The Scathing Atheist - 245: Late Breaking Jesus Edition

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

In this week’s episode, the Catholic church wishes you’d stop talking about all the Id-kay ucking-fay, you'll never believe what the gay Nazis are up to, and Jesus will be in the Book of Mormon like Luke was in The Force Awakens. To see us in Australia at Skepticon, click here: https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Trump administration wants to replace contraception with the rhythm method: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/21/trump-administration-pushes-abstinence-and-rhythm-method-over-contraception/ Indiana county ends needle exchange program because Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/21/indiana-county-ends-life-saving-needle-exchange-program-because-jesus-said-so/ Man says MAGA hat is part of his “spiritual beliefs” in dispute with bar: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/19/man-says-maga-hat-is-part-of-his-spiritual-beliefs-in-lawsuit-against-ny-bar/ Catholics won’t allow gravestone to mention priest rape victim advocacy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/24/catholic-church-wont-allow-gravestone-marker-calling-out-pedophile-priests/ Bill O’Reilly blames god for his sexual misconduct: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/10/bill-oreilly-blames-god-sexual-harassment-allegations/ Students that opt out of Ireland’s religious classes better not learn other stuff: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/23/students-who-opt-out-of-irish-religious-ed-classes-cant-learn-anything-else/ Rick Wiles blames Vegas shooting on gay nazis: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/23/rick-wiles-a-gaylesbian-nazi-regime-carried-out-the-las-vegas-massacre/ This Week in Misogyny: Franklin Graham: New Trans inclusive bill dangerous to women: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/23/franklin-graham-new-trans-inclusive-bathroom-policy-in-nc-will-endanger-women/ Tony Perkins: LGBTQ in military cause men to harass women: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/tony-perkins-says-lgbtq-people-in-the-military-creates-moral-confusion-that-makes-men-harass-women/ Trump-allied pastor: Women sexually harass men by dressing provocatively: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/trump-allied-pastor-carl-gallups-says-women-are-sexually-assaulting-men-by-dressing-provocatively/

Warning, the following podcast contains angry words. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Policy Genius and by God Awful Movies. Don't hate the prayers, hate the gam. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey, this is Jesse. I'm a licensed counselor in Florida, and despite your sincerely held belief, I assure you, we all evolved from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 26th.

And you don't have to go home, but you can't pray here. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Catholic Church wishes you'd stop talking about all the idk-ucking thing.

You'll never believe what the gay Nazis are up to. And Jesus will be in the Book of Mormon like Luke was in The Force Awakens. First, the diatribe. One of the hard lessons that atheism has taught me is that too much information can be a handicap. Not something I would have expected, so it took me a long time to learn, but you can only be in so many arguments with religion's self-appointed intellectual defenders before it becomes obvious. You get done laying out the conflicting genealogies of Jesus, and they say, all right, but then how do them BC people know what year to count up to?

And you're left thinking to yourself, okay, how could I dumb this down enough without creating a pop-up book? Now, this seems counterintuitive, but think about it like a race where you start miles ahead of your opponent. You know, obviously you're going to cross the finish line early, but they're going to be so far back they won't know about it, so they'll just keep running. Therefore, the key to successfully arguing with Christians as near as I can tell is to know as little as possible, or at least try not to rely on any of the stuff you do know. I mean, think about it. One of the first places atheists want to go to dispute the

veracity of Christianity is the Bible, but on the average, atheists know a hell of a lot more about the Bible than Christians. I mean, the kind of atheists that would go out and argue with Christians, that is. So you're asking them if they believe in the talking donkey. They're not 100% sure you don't mean Shrek. You know, they know about their book, but they haven't read it. They've been told about it by people with a vested interest in sugarcoating it, which means that the parts you probably want to talk about are the parts that they're least likely to know about. So scriptural arguments are out.

But you might still be tempted to go with biblical arguments. I mean, they might not know the whole book, but they know the Bible stories, right? They all know the 10 plagues of Egypt. They know Adam and Eve. They know Noah's Ark. So maybe you'll just want to use those universally familiar parts of the Bible to make your argument. But if you've tried to do that before, you know it's a dead end too. After all, the Bible stories are just stories, and they have this ability to like, you know it's a dead end too after all the bible stories are just stories and they have this ability to like you know shift into allegories of the convenience of the christian in question sure some of them have to be literal for their theology to make any sense but as you learn as an atheist debater theology doesn't have to make sense so arguments based on bible stories are out

too and for that matter so are arguments based on theology because they really don't know that either how can you pick apart the illogic of the trinity if neither you nor the person you're talking about knows what the fuck it is this becomes painfully obvious when you start arguing apologetics and discover that the arguee doesn't understand the thing they're saying well enough to recognize its refutation you know we're reading william lane craig and rolling our eyes they're still busy reading c.s le. Lewis and gasping in awe. So counter apologetics are out, too. But surely you might argue we can use basic logic, can't we?

Well, don't be so confident. After all, as many atheists are fond of reminding us, you can't reason somebody out of something they didn't reason themselves into. Now, you know, we can dispute how broadly applicable that is, since most of us were reasoned out of religion at some point. But for every anecdote supporting that, any atheist, you know, can supply 100 plus anecdotes of logic falling on deaf ears. I mean, just you personally, how many times have you exhausted all your opponent's logical objections just to have them change the subject, refuse to relent or just get irate? So logical arguments are off the table as well. And that pretty much precludes all the arguments i mean you might be tempted to go with emotional appeals but as eli's twitter will be

happy to explain that's just bad argumentation it's like trying to win a fight to the death by convincing your opponent to commit suicide so we can't use scripture bible stories theology counter-apologetics logic or emotion what does that leave us with? Well, nothing. And that might seem discouraging, but when you think about it, that's exactly as much as we need, because what are we arguing against? Nothing. We're arguing against a Christianity that isn't based on scripture, literalism, theology, logic, or reason. We're arguing against a Christianity that defies definition. And if you doubt that, just ask the next Christian you're arguing with what Christianity is. It's like listening to a new age hippie define energy. What's Christianity? Well, it's not a religion. It's a relationship.

All right. You started off telling me what it isn't. That's a that's a good sign. Well, there was this guy once, but he wasn't a guy. All right. Getting colder. And there was an omnipotent being and he had to, nope, that sentence can't be finished without a gross reinterpretation of omnipotent or had to. We're all imperfect, you see, and we need to be forgiven.

Oh, I was busy apologizing for not having a prehensile tale. I didn't hear the last bit. And even when you come across that rare individual that can offer a concise sounding definition, it falls apart as soon as you start asking them to define their terms. What is God? What is sin? What is redemption? What is a soul? What is heaven? Not a one of those concepts can even stand up to scrutiny. So how can a definition, let alone a worldview based on them, hold up to it? Christianity, like all other religions, is Kleenex in the adolescent bra of reason. It's what we put there when there wasn't enough to fill the fucking cup.

But now our reason is mature and arguing against the religious worldview is as easy as arguing that tissues aren't tits. Religion is nothing pretending to be something. And if you're arguing against nothing, nothing is all you need to refute it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two men that Australia approved

for entry into their country with a disturbing lack of caution, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to get to Skepticon or what? They approved me so fast it seems like a nice place i was filling out their their visa form online the other day i put my mouse over the checkbox for a white guy and before i clicked call from malcolm turnbull well look the question isn't whether i will fight a kangaroo the question is how many kangaroos i will fight uh the over under is one so with a quick reminder that you can find links to get tickets to skeptic

on the show notes for this episode we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor policy genius and that's why the bible is actually um hold on hold on you think we should use a prayer at this point oh probably right guys what are you what's going on in here oh we're just starting up our alternate christian blog slash podcast for extra money yep nothing but clean religious comedy yeah two for one right okay okay um why oh uh financial Oh, financial security. Yeah. Financial security? Yeah, man. I mean, when you go, who's going to take care of us?

I'll tell you who. Christians who love good, clean comedy. Oh, yeah. How about that as the title? The Clean Christians. Oh, well, I mean, I feel like I was a little too on the nose but something well lord knows guys guys guys knows if you're worried about financial security why not just check out policygenius.com what's uh policygenius.com policygenius.com is the place to go to learn about life insurance compare quotes from america's top providers and save up to 40 on your policy

it sounds crazy but that's never existed before huh life insurance yeah i mean well they don't just do life insurance you can get health insurance you can insure your pet you can protect your income and if you don't need any of that they'll even tell you wow so we could make sure us and our loved ones are taken care of without... Without starting a clean Christian comedy podcast. Yeah. Oh, okay. But how hard is it? It's super easy. So if you've been putting off life insurance or want to make sure the insurance you have is right for you, check out policygenius.com today. You can save up to 40%

just by comparing policies. The quotes are free. there's no sales pressure, and zero hassle. PolicyGenius.com. It's life insurance for the 21st century. Okay, guys, I did my best on this flag, but I think I made the Chrissy the Crucifix crooked. Chrissy the Crucifix? Don't look at me like that.

Stress is the silent killer, and you yelled at a door yesterday. It was a stupid door and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight from the potus interruptus file the trump administration has a new plan for birth control and it works just about exactly as well as pulling out seriously according to a white house internal memo that was recently leaked the president wants to slash the budget for family planning like the real kind like real birth control and replace it with the fertility awareness method oh jesus fucking christ also

known as the rhythm method that's the one where you only have sex when the ovaries are turned off so you check for the ovary light and it tells you whether you're good to go or not it's green or red this is like raising national sat scores by adding i don't give a fuck as an optional answer i don't give a fuck yet take your temperature i might give a fuck we don't know yeah so uh this is by far the dumbest thing on the leaked memo and there's some serious competition for that for example also on that list of future plans for the trump administration was getting rid of the let girls learn initiative also replacing real sex ed with abstinence only nonsense and also starting a child rape prevention program um

obviously obviously the last one sounds good but the plan mentions nothing about priests pastors or rabbis oh nothing it's just it's like building a dam where there's no water or or building an ark in kentucky it's or or preventing pregnancy in a country full of white people using their amazing sense of rhythm. Trump is the only way to complete an analogy to Trump. It's fucking ridiculous. It's like the time he, yeah. I don't know. I think pulling out is actually a great analogy for Trump.

Like, it's stupid. You're pretty sure it's got something to do with people being poor and everyone wants you to feel bad for the people who did it, but it's like really their fault and you can't sort of shake that feeling of like yeah but it's on that you know what i'm saying it's it is on them that that is one way the analogy holds up all right so just to be clear about this method of birth control i was not exaggerating about how effective it is. The stats on the rhythm method versus the pulling out method are pretty much exactly even. In practice, they work about three quarters of the time each. So if you had sex four times, hoping to groove with the ova just right,

probably a baby on the way, which is probably a mistake. Most people are stupid. You shouldn't have babies, most of you. If you need a license to drive, you should definitely need a license to breed. That should be a rule. And honestly, I'd be fine if the test was parallel parking for both.

I think the right amount of people they had honest testing for both of those things, parallel parking, it'd be good. Point being, Eli shouldn't breed also. If you ask most men to describe the menstrual cycle we'd be like at the crest of the labia i feel like women keep using that phrase when we keep saying i don't get it is that the menstrual cycle is that where it is we're not gonna get the rhythm right or or bright side maybe there will be a blossoming industry of thermometer warmers

come on babe it says 101.6 it's my birthday yeah so uh this is the real opinion of the president of the united states he really i feel like i've said that sentence so many times this is the real opinion. Fuck. Yeah. Well, Trump really believes the rhythm method works. And if I had to guess, that's because either a his calm is made of Cheetos dust at this point or be somebody from the party told him about a camera that you can swallow and it takes pictures of the ovaries. So, you know, when the eggs are all clear. It's like one or both of those things. And in Jesus Take the Needle news tonight, needle exchange programs are a safe and effective way

to reduce the spread of infectious and deadly diseases among intravenous drug users. They save the government money, time, and more importantly, they save lives. And wherever there are good programs that save money and human beings, there are Christians there to put a stop to it yeah like reverse superheroes or uh mediocre villains if you will bad guys yeah i smell spin-off religion faster than impeding bullshit and able to heap a

large building with a single inbound is it absurd absurd? Is it a pain? It's Mediocre Villains! Yeah, no, it would be good. Yeah, this is going to work out. Okay, so it's thanks to the work of these Mediocre Villains, now TM, that's ours, please don't steal it, that a needle exchange program in Lawrence County, Indiana

will be discontinued. During the hearing, the program director, Chris Albert, pointed out that the needle exchange has already decreased infectious diseases in the county by 80 percent. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. It cost the county nothing. But Councilman Rodney Fish still voted no.

Citing Chronicles chapter seven. Wow. chapter seven wow which uh for those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar is the part where solomon threatens everyone in the room to bring more stuff to burn or he'll kill them with his magic powers yep not sure great yeah 80 b minus it wasn't doing great they decided to spread aids and hepatitis because the knights who say knee of the Old Testament. That was great. Yeah, and that's how governmental decisions are being made now. By a guy going, well, I've got preventable HIV deaths

on this hand, and an apocryphal account that starts with a guy slaughtering 22,000 cows to appease the bloodlust of his God. Hold on. Hold on. I'm sincerely holding something here. Anyway, the program is dead. And soon so will lots of people who deserve some of that wishy-washy fake Christianity.

My cousin insists I missed in the Bible when I read it. But hey, at least when Rodney Fish gets to heaven, he can tell Jesus he sent a lot more people his way with the tiny amount of power he had on earth. Good job, Rodney. You did it. Used my power wisely. And in pilgrimage to MAGA news tonight, a man who was denied entry into a New York bar over his Make America Great Again hat is now suing the bar on behalf of both Jesus and the victims of 9-11.

What? Absolutely not. You used your what way too early i was like where's he gonna go now so greg piat piatic piatic i don't know greg piatic a philadelphia accountant who understands both politics and law to equal degrees originally sued the happiest hour bar for what he claimed was egregious un unlawful, and discriminatory conduct. But after realizing that asshole was not a legally protected class, his lawyers switched their story and now claim that the MAGA hat was tied to Piatek's sincerely held religious beliefs. Fuck you!

Absolutely not. And his reasons for wearing it, quote, entirely transcend the political realm, end quote. I think Heath can do the diatribe this week and verily reagan was a couple points shy of a shot out and low at water was like why don't we see if we can get the clowns in the revival tents to vote for you a religion was born and an empire was destroyed okay a religion was born but that means there's also a religion called donald trump is the fucking devil ism and we'll give you all the penis cake you want but we sincerely believe people wearing maga hats should be stoned to death yes so it's a good thing we have RFRA or else this whole situation would be stupid

and untenable, wouldn't it? Right. You joke, but I am in. So at this point, you're probably wondering how wearing a hat with a political slogan that you purchased from a campaign that then used your money to fund the legal defense for the president's kid can transcend politics. And the answer to that is 9-11 damn it because make america great again in the eyes of greg pietek's god means really wish 9-11 didn't happen and that's what he's telling a judge i think this guy's hell should just be having to say that with a straight face for all eternity.

While he blows a Muslim guy and Al Franken asks him questions. Right. Reclaiming my time. And in rest in piece of shit rapist's news tonight, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Joliet in... The Roman Catholic Diocese of Joliet in... The Roman Catholic Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. It's definitely Joliet. Yeah, it's Joliet.

Hey, Joliet. Joliet. Oh, is that her brother? He doesn't get into the play? Well, people in Illinois don't know how to name cities. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes. No, in the city of Detroit, Michigan. That would be amazing. You just

proved my point. Welcome to Detroit. We will shoot you. Would you like a burned out house for that dollar? Amazing. Come on. Well, it could be Illinois, but Joliet wouldn't make sense because the O and the I aren't next to each other. Joliet,

Illinois. I made everything better just now. I feel like i don't get the support i want and need hope you weren't in a hurry today morgan because i'm the new guy all right some people are very very those priests those catholics are very very sorry about the whole aping ray it's k thing but they'd prefer that everybody like the children they raped put this thing behind them a fact made ever more apparent this week when they refused jack rule's request for an inscription on his mother's grave that reads she supported priest rapist victims amazing i mean if they were irked by the lack of an apostrophe S, I get it. I feel like I'd be in danger of just etching that on myself if I saw it.

You're just constantly giving awkward explanations to people at the grave like, no, no, it's not priest rapist victims. The priests wouldn't be the victims. Fuck, somebody give me a chisel. This is every time with this. This is why we need the Oxford Comp.

So, according to the Chicago Tribune. So it's very similar to this one. It's important. Thank you, Eli. You're laughing, but that's serious. Serious time now. Serious time on our show. So according to the Chicago Tribune, quote, an attorney for the diocese in an October 6th letter proposed removing the word rapist and substituting softer language such as she supported clergy sex abuse victims or she supported victims of clergy sex abuse.

Oh, not not adding. Or how about she was nice, nice to the people who were not, not nice, nice to. Huh? How about that? Come on. Compromise. How about improperly vetted penis recipients? Means the same thing. All right. All right.

What about this? What about this? And we're just talking. We're just talking here. Any chance my friend Ben Franklin can get you to change your mind? No? Okay, what about my friend Golden Adolf? Golden Brick of Adolf.

Change your mind? So Diocese Council went on to clarify that this wasn't really about the church. It was about not upsetting visitors saying quote our concern must be with the many people who visit assumption cemetery with the expectation that their quiet time with their loved ones will be peaceful tranquil and free of stress and anxiety end quote and you know what the lawyer is right finding out that this diocese spent more than four million dollars to hush up rape victims probably does put a real damper on the visit to grandma's and again i'm just spitballing but maybe they put a big basket of money on top of the grave for

everyone who sees it to have some because they're pretty sure that makes this kind of thing better and don't get me wrong, but where there's a basket of money, Heath and I will be there to double dip. Cue the music, Morgan. Damn it. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright.

You might remember us from our Lyme disease curing fuck coins. Which, sadly, due to certain legal issues, have been discontinued. We don't want to talk about it but we're pleased to announce our new pr firm the softer side of rape softer side of rape softer side of rape are you a secret ring of pedophiles using nazi gold as hush money well maybe you're a well-respected community pillar redistributing old wealth to victims of abuse. Do you knowingly cover up for a child rapist?

Or do you just believe in second chances? Or third chances? Or seventh chances? Either way, there's a nicer way to say it. The softer side of rape. Do not Google that. do not Google that. And quick before Eli realizes he made it all the way through a story that involves cemeteries without even mentioning Phyllis Schlafly,

we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Aw, damn it! Lucinda's going to undo that last skit. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rave. Then it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny.

You know, This Week in Misogyny has a better ring to it than This Week in Sexism. And the world's most effective smear campaign has made This Week in Feminism downright toxic. But we chose the title we did more because it sounded better and less because it was more accurate. Because I talk about a lot of people in this segment that don't hate women. You don't have to hate women to think a pregnant chick can swallow a camera that will take pictures of her fetus on the way to her asshole. You can get there just by being profoundly stupid. And you don't need to hate women to think that abortion is immoral. You can get there just by being misinformed. So yeah, there are plenty of misogynists that we talk about on this segment.

But if I'm being honest, most of my targets actually love women. I mean, that's true of conservative Christians in general. After all, if it wasn't for us ladies, who would scape their goats? I mean, think about it. Us harmless little ladies are their go-to excuse when it comes to, say, transphobia. What about those poor girls that will have girls in the ladies' room that will be trans? Those big, strong, old men who need an oil tube to piss need to come to our rescue. Take, for example, knight in shining ghost costume Franklin Graham. He charged into the

defense of North Carolina's women after the Democratic governor signed an executive order that makes bathrooms more gender inclusive. Now, one can and should fault Roy Cooper for how half assed this move was, but it's a step in the right direction. And that makes it a step too far for Franklin Graham. The man so white he was named after a cracker took to Facebook to warn that the good people of North Carolina were, quote, going to be exposed to pedophiles and sexually perverted men in women's public restrooms, end quote. Because before this EO, there was a force field that kept them out. But pissing isn't the only way that the LGBTQ community is endangering us poor helpless ladies. As Tony Perkins pointed out last week on an episode of Washington Watch, that they're also the reason men in the military keep sexually harassing and abusing the women in the military.

Because you see, allowing gay people to openly serve in the military creates what Tony Perkins calls a moral confusion that makes it impossible to puzzle out what is and isn't allowed. I mean, if two men can consensually fuck each other, why can't I send unsolicited dick pics to a subordinate officer's wife? What possible line could one draw that would allow the one act and not the other? Tony Perkins sure can't think of one, and he wants that to be a matter of public record, apparently. Of course, at first glance, this idea might seem ridiculous as fuck. But if it was as stupid as it clearly is, do you really think Carl Gallups would agree?

Now, you're probably thinking, who the fuck is that? And you're right. Who the fuck is that? All I know about him is that he's a pastor, a conspiracy theorist, and a prominent speaker at Trump campaign rallies. So, you know, the trifecta of credibility there. Anyway, he set out to protect women from sexual harassment this week too, and he put the blame squarely where it belongs. The slutty women in the provocative whore clothes that made those men sexually harass them in the first place. And his solution, obviously, is that men should be able to sue women who wear sexy clothing for sexually harassing them because of the mental anguish and torment of not being able to then fuck them. Because let's be honest, and I don't think Gallops would mind me slightly paraphrasing his point here, it takes two to sexually assault. Now, if you'll

excuse me, I need to get back into my anti-trans rapist pedophile bunker. So I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Russia's America bills pay you news tonight, disgraced Fox News host and person who now has my job, o'reilly came clean this week on who was really to blame for his recent spate of sexual harassment revelations and that culprit was god on his no spin news internet radio web series anything he has to call it to avoid using the word podcast o'reilly said quote you know am i God? Yeah, I'm mad at him. I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn't happen.

I can't explain it to you. Yeah, I'm mad at him. End quote. Well, Bill, we have a surprise guest here who'd like very, very much to talk to you. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. He goes up to the audience with the mic. I have a question for the God one with the beard. If you are omnipotent, Bill Reilly is your fault.

No, that's right. That is correct. Now, upon hearing that, I'm sure you guys are all thinking what I was thinking. Who'd win in a fight? I mean, is Brimstone and Firstborns really any more wrathful than the fuck it we'll do it live excerpt plus think about o'reilly is six foot four he has a 78 inch wingspan a 44 inch jowl span and most importantly exists so the smart money's on big bill but it does leave the open question on what he wishes god had done he wanted wanted more protection. Smite Liz Wheels?

Turn Gretchen Carlson into a pillar of salt? More of a pillar of salt? What kind of protection was he angling for here? According to the depositions, Trojan extra small. All right, well, they're called fun size. If we're going to talk about things we should use the terms for words matter eli fun size the halloween joke now for his part o'reilly continues to deny the allegations against him and insists that he paid those ladies 45 million dollars that we know

about so far to help out with bills and shit because he's a nice guy also that the new york times is mostly making this shit up about the latest settlement because they were afraid he was hogging up too much of the news consumer's time. Right? It was competition

because once you start believing in God, I guess crossover viewers between the O'Reilly factor and the New York Times is a small leap to make. I like information, but I also like a screaming old Irishman. You know?

And in Father Ted of the Class news tonight. What? Ah, Ireland. Land of green rolling hills, somehow entirely recessive jeans, and a style of music that is all the same song, Anna. It's the same song.

It's the same. I know you can hear it. No one else can hear it. No one. Just relax. Relax. You want to dial it in? Find the point here?

Doing a story? Maybe. Thank you. Thank you. But what many listeners might not know is it's also a land where 90% of schools are run by the Catholic Church. So sex ed means a very different thing as you can imagine. Yeah. I'm picturing naughty Catholic school girls.

So I didn't hear your intro. What are we talking about? Oh, with the Irish accents? Yes, please. Jean Benet Ramsey. Sorry. That is inappropriate, you guys. You guys are lying in the sand.

You guys were being inappropriate. hentai is classy that's different by the way Eli I signed us up for that thing oh right excited now the good-ish news is that students can opt out of religious education however

according to documents obtained by Atheist Ireland this week opting out can mean anything from still sitting in the room without being allowed to do anything else to being put in detention-like environments while other students learn about Jesus. That doesn't count. Purgatory is making a comeback. Again, according to the documents, in one district, quote, children are regularly left to sit at the back of class during religious instruction they're often prohibited from studying other subjects some stipulate that wearing headphones or completing school work is banned end quote which uh sounds like being forced to attend religious classes yeah it does is the difference

that they're drawing there is that they don't have to learn the information that they're being forced to heal? Like they're allowed to loudly sing to themselves? They're all rigged up like clockwork orange. But look, look, they can block with the paper. We gave them the paper. It's optional. Okay, but it gets weirder see the supposed reason is to make sure all the atheist kids don't get too smart again from the documents quote the rationale for this is to

ensure that no unfair advantage accrues to students opting out of religious education well rather to, there's no way around it. What are they going to hit him in the head with a shovel? But rather to ensure that all students have equality of opportunity time-wise when it comes to exam preparation during the school day, end quote. And if that's not admitting defeat, I genuinely don't know what is.

It's not that we want kids to learn about religion it's that we're afraid they'll learn real things if they don't and that's not, oh I'm the bad guy I'm the bad guy I think I'll play a song literally totally do it now I'll play a different song

same song, it's the same song over and over again. Been together for six years. Play some classical. Play a twinkle, twinkle little star. Something. Anything. A piano.

An accordion. This is my moment. They can't edit out all of it. And finally tonight, from the art mandalay file it's been almost a month since the tragic mass shooting in las vegas and rick wiles has finally figured out the underlying cause apparently he did some research uh on eli's twitter feed i'm guessing and discovered who's pulling the strings turns out it's the homosexual Nazis. So I guess I can understand why it took so long for him to piece that

together. Undercover Rick, just walking out of yet another seedy locker room covered in Santorum and baking soda. Well, it's not the gay commies, gay Muslims, gay abortion advocates,

or gay plutocrats. What else can i infiltrate anywhere you want honey okay so just in case anyone's not familiar rick wiles is the christian fundamentalist conspiracy theorist and radio host who makes insane horrible and bigoted remarks in response to tragic events in the world and is not alex jones gl, Sandy Rios, Brian Fisher, Joyce Meyer, Coach Dave Dovermeyer or Kevin Swanson or anyone else we have a file for in our weird, terrifying file cabinet. And he looks like Anderson Cooper got taken over by Voldemort.

And kind of liked it, but pretended he didn't. Sugar, water, horcruxes. He looks a little sick, like he's down one or two. Yeah. So here's the exact words from Rick Wiles. Quote, we're in a fascist Nazi police state. There will be a day that they will tell law enforcement officers to execute your children right in front of you and they will do it. America has become a Nazi state.

The deep state is a Nazi state. And then he clarified, I mean, even if you're white, they'll let the cops do that. They're just practicing now on the non-white people. Also, I mean, bad Nazi, not the racist ethno-nationalist that we can barely pretend not to be. I mean the ooga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga Nazi, you know. The ooga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga-booga.

You know, ooga-booga. Right, so, you're probably thinking at this point, how does this all connect to Ellen DeGeneres? Well, great question. Continuing the quote, he answers it. The deep state is a Nazi state.

That's why compost appeared on a daytime talk show hosted by a fast talking dancing comedian. And let me add a lesbian because this Nazi regime is a gay slash lesbian Nazi regime, just like Nazis in Hitler's day. Are you? What? Do you guys remember when Hitler surprised Goebbels with that slop? It's just like, oh, he freaked out. All right. It was a good dance.

And continue the quote one more time. Hitler was a bisexual and the top Nazi leaders were homosexuals. The Nazi takeover of Germany was a militant, homosexual, fascist takeover. That's what's taking place in America today. End quote. Same thing. And his problem is the homosexual part. Once again, for the record, Rick Wilde's main problem with Nazis

is that they were too LGBT inclusive. I'm sorry, before I put you in the sour, what is your preferred pronoun? This is fucking bullshit. What if I get it wrong? Everyone's going to look at me funny. Yes.

Lots to unpack there. Ideally by a psychiatrist who specializes in paranoid delusions. And that's not us. We are, however, very excited about the idea of gay Nazis, which is obviously the subject of a very large collection of videos that Rick Wiles secretly owns and loves. And we're hoping the genre just keeps getting bigger. So let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the gay Nazi porn category, obviously, go. All right. Well, I believe there's a whole subgenre for ass to axis. Show a don't tell us. Very small mustache rides with the original Dirty Sanchez. There you go.

Das Schutt. In glory holiest bastards. First they came for the other gay people. They just want to fuck each other. No follow up consequences. They just want to have sex.

I have a title for it. Like an epic one. Schindler's Lust. Tales from the Homocost. Dr. Mente the Homocost. Ooh. Dr. Menteley. Mengele. I did good this week. I got two. No, I did good this week. About

two gobbles, one cup. There you go. Now we finally have the fat lady gargling. I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. You show me yours, I'll show you mine. Conf. And when we come back, we'll find Jesus.

Jesus is to the Book of Mormon as Michael Keaton is to the movie Beetlejuice. Despite the fact that that's what the fucking thing is supposed to be about, he only gets 17 minutes of screen time. Jesus, though, is considerably more backloaded, so if you've been wondering when the fuck we get to the Jesus, well, we've timed this out to take a year, and it's the end of Ack-fucking-tober, and we're just finally getting to the Jesus parts.

I don't know. I'm excited for all the golden ruling, loving gay people, and not being a schizophrenic doomsday preacher I've heard so much about. It's going to be fun. But the kid in me loves the frosting and the shitting on Mexican people. Frosting will make you shit on anybody. Norman Life. Fresh from sexually harassing men with her a lascivious femininity is my lovely wife lucinda lucinda welcome back yeah quebec made it illegal not to yeah what are you gonna do anyway how about some book of mormon okay okay but before this book

even starts as if to underscore how stupid it is the LDS has inserted this quick genealogy. Quote, Helleman was the son of Helleman, who was the son of Alma, who was the son of Alma, being a descendant of Nephi. End quote. And this is a book about his son fucking Nephi.

Yeah. But for being fair, Alma, Alma, Helleman, Helleman, Nephi, Steve, it would have been, Hellaman, Nephi, Steve. It would have been silly. Well, yeah. You got to keep the pattern going.

So Jesus is born and all the signs are fulfilled. But all the nonbelievers are like, doesn't count. Didn't say Simon says. So Nephi gets really sad and goes out to whine to God about it. Sorry, not to get too meta, but this chapter is a made up story. Using a made up story to prove a madeup story is true to prove it's true. That's how it works, yeah. Yeah, much like American politics, it's a Russian nesting doll of lies. Well done, sir.

And God's like, oh, I was just getting to that Jesus thing. See, sun went down and no night. See, I totally didn't forget about the prophecies. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And at this point, of course, Satan starts pushing back with a vicious attack campaign. Just wandering through the streets.

Is there a Hamlet? Extra, extra. God forgave Willie Horton. Read all about it. The Satan paying Russian hackers, put fake news about Jesus on Facebook? And it's been a whole chapter since the people had a complete nationwide moral failing. So

we get that in chapter two. You mean since November? Oh, you mean the book. Sorry. Yeah. And by verse 11, the Gadianton robbers are starting wars and land waste to cities and shit.

So the Nephites and the Lamanites team up to form like Mormon Voltron, I guess. And God is so impressed with the Lamanites that he turns them Caucasian. He does. Yes. All right, guys, this is getting confusing. We're going to do shirts and skins. So actually check that. We're going to do skins and lighter skins. So actually check that. We're going to do skins and lighter skins.

So now we meet Laconius, the governor of the Nephites, and Gadeon High, the Gadeon leader. And we do so in a letter from the latter to the former, asking the Nephites to surrender. Does anyone else feel like Gadeon High was a mistake and he was supposed to be Gadeon Ty, but everyone just sort of rolled with it yeah i think it's safe to say everyone just rolled with it for like a bunch of stuff a bit of a running everyone just rolled with the book by joe smith yeah and um if i could paraphrase the letter here it basically goes dear, dear Laconius, I totally get that you're the good guy, but we're going to kill the fuck out of you toodles.

Yeah. So Laconius is like, fuck that, in order that all the Nephites come to Zarahelma with all of their food. So it'll be harder to genocide. Yeah, harder when they're all in one place like that. Yeah. We also meet the new leader of the Nephite army here. His name is gid gid donnie right and he's a general slash prophet the way that fabio was a model slash actor so

so loch ness monster asked him to ask god to save them. Like siblings giving each other the silent treatment. Yeah, right, right. Right, but Gedoni is like the parent who obviously has a favorite kid and he's like, no, we can't do that or else God's going to side

with the bad guys. So the Gadianton robbers attack, but all of the towns were empty so they were like, fuck, nobody here. Want to murder ourselves? No ourselves no yeah that was a dumb idea forget i brought it i was testing you guys dollar dollar in the idea joe whoever said that was stupid so they scrape around for a year and they're like fuck it battle and the nephites are

like yeah battle so they battle yeah and we should point out that this book is filled with horses, chariots, all this other stuff that didn't exist yet. Just FYI. We've mentioned that before. I think Nephi uses cold fusion at one point. It's a little out of control. And so he did ride his pugga-pegga-corn into battle. pug a pegacon into battle and because joseph smith has no idea how to escalate the action here he just says for the fourth or fifth time and this was the biggest battle yet in the whole book yes but eventually the nephites win and they kill gideon high totally killed him off for having

the wrong name for joe's pattern just saying. Exactly. So that's over. But a couple of years later, the Gadianton army comes back, this time being led by a guy named Zemniraiha. Fuck this book. But the Nephites win again and Zemniraiha gets hanged, making his appearance in the book utterly pointless. I don't even know why we brought him up. Well, except to fit the name pattern, I guess.

Thank you, Heath. It was Bugging Joe, like a crooked painting. Exactly. By the way, somebody shared the greatest thing on Facebook last week that I saw. It was a quiz called Book of Mormon Name or Pokemon Characters. It's fun. Figure which one was which. It's really hard.

I didn't get that on my Facebook. You had other stuff. Now, after all of that, they achieve full Christianity for a brief time, and everybody stops sinning all at once. Zero hurricanes that year. Yeah. Kid reaches into a cookie jar and a volcano just erupts underneath him. And then Mormon chimes in to say,

by the way, guys, I'm the narrator now. Just thought I'd let you know since this is called the book of Nephi, even though Nephi disappeared a couple of chapters ago. That's me, Mormon. Hello, and welcome to the book of Nephi. I am, I'm not him. I'm not you.

It's about him and then we get an even number chapter here so it's time for the Nephites to lose their shit and go all stiff necked again yeah I miss the story of Moses at this point what about the annals of the kings of Judah can we read that list of people again yeah

and that culminates of course in a plan to overthrow the entire government and install a king. Again. So the bad guys murder the chief judge and destroy the government. Again. So all the people devolved into tribes. Again. All right, guys. All right.

The government got destroyed again. Everybody count off by fives. We're doing this seriously, okay? I know you guys didn't try to go with your friends. You have to deal with the numbers that I give you. So Nephi goes out and tries to breed Jesus, everybody here. Also, Nephi has angels at his disposal, healing powers, and he resurrected the dead when he felt like it.

Sure he did. Yeah, specifically his brother who according to mormonism would go on to become the apostle timothy so a bunch of people are pissed at him because of all of his magic powers and shit but a few of them do repent and get baptized hey can you raise my brother from the dead, all out of dead raisin juice. So then we get to the part where Jesus is dying halfway around the world. And I love Joey's bet hedging way of introducing this too. He's like, and all this comes from really meticulous records from a super honest guy.

But if the timeline is fucked up, it's that guy's fault. Not the fault of some future prophet reading this thing out of a hat. He can garbage in, garbage out. My knee always knows when it rains. After. Because it gets wet.

Then we get all the Jesus is dying signs. We get a tempest, an earthquake, other things that fit under the umbrella term of tempest. He's he says like there are storms and there is lightning and there is rain yes all of that is storms anyway trump's given a press conference god you remember when your son died and obama didn't even call you And then God sets about destroying all the archaeological evidence of the Nephites. Yes! He starts sinking their cities into the seas and turning them into mountains,

you know, just in case anybody ever wanted, you know, went looking for them or anything. And if you're wondering what God did to all of the people in those cities at the time, it was kill them. Yeah. They're dead. Yeah. Deep, deep into the oceans where no trace would ever exist again.

Or of the oceans. The ocean itself was buried is how deep it was. We used to have other ones. And then it got so dark that you couldn't even light a candle because at a certain point of darkness

that happens apparently. And that goes on for like a full three days while the Nephites are just pissing all over the place. I guess they can't find the latrines. And a hero did appear among them. His name? Marco Polo.

But just then, from amid the darkness, a voice could be heard by all of the inhabitants, like some kind of Vogan construction announcement. And it was Jesus. Jesus! Fantastic. It's weird, though, that nobody else on earth noted this announcement maybe it was in English

or maybe the people in China were confused because their cities didn't all get destroyed yeah it wouldn't make sense to anyone else and by the way Mormon Jesus crazy bloodthirsty we've been waiting for him to show up for 11 books, and when

he does, the first words out of his mouth are, okay, so let me explain why I killed all the towns full of people just now. Oh, okay, but him you'll listen to. I see. I hate being the new guy. And this leads to one of those wonderful

moments where Joey has to come up with a bunch of city names all at one time. So as Jesus is listing the cities he's destroyed, he includes in order the cities at Gadiani, Gadiamna, Gimgino, and Jacob Baguth. And Charizard. Jacob Baguth is my favorite desperate failure of the english language ever and i'm me and uh by the way he also clarifies that he's the alpha and the omega here in his little speech which was probably weird for everyone who wasn't greek i guess language things that makes sense so all the nephites in the country apparently are milling around a temple going, wow, that was weird.

What were the Jesus talking to us stuff, huh? When yet another voice comes from the heavens and says, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jesus of Nazareth. And thus began the long tradition of over the top bar mitzvah introduction And he's like And Jesus comes out and he's like hey guys You want to finger my crucifixion wounds Come on right in the side here Where the spear went

And they do want to do that apparel All of them in a line like Disney World Well I mean I get it I get it So I get it. So once everybody's done fingering him, Jesus says, where's Nephi? He's my favorite.

And he gives Nephi and some others the power to baptize, which is a throwaway X-Man if ever I saw one, really. Sorry, maybe it's the giant Book of Mormon-shaped tumor in my brain, but weren't they baptizing people before? Was that just practice? Yeah, it's like kissing your podcasting partner. tumor in my brain, but weren't they baptizing people before?

Was that just practice? Yeah, it's like kissing your podcasting partner. And then Jesus names 12 disciples and then lists all the people that are blessed. Yeah. We also get Joey desperately trying to remember details from the Sermon on the Mount here and

fucking them all up. Yeah, like wooey Christian mom defending herself at Thanksgiving. And jesus said why can't we all just get along also mormon jesus isn't above sending you to hell for calling somebody an asshole apparently yeah it's a little too on the nose joey has a habit of doing this right so jesus is like and damn to hell are all the people that call other people assholes or fools or charlatans or idiots that spend all day with their faces stuffed into smelly hats everyone's just staring angrily at old-timey american noah and then he more or less directly lifts matthew chapter six here joseph are you turning pages in the hat? Because that's what it sounds like you're doing.

No, no. I'm just, ow, paper cut on my lip. No. What was that? I said, I said the Nephites built a giant ship. He also makes it very clear to his proto priest that they should never, ever work. Yeah. Very important that the other people give them all the food that they should never, ever work. Very important that the other

people give them all the food that they need and stuff. Yeah. And thus was invented Blue Apron. White and delightsome apron. Something tells me they wouldn't like that, Ed. And apparently Jesus is just covering his greatest hits album here because now he does the

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged bit and the Beam In Your Eyes song. I song i mean sticks has got to play lady uh strong disagree but after lifting three entire chapters from the bible here joey feels like he should at least take a stab at original for a second so he has jesus take a minute to say and for the record i'm totally fulfilling all of the prophecies earlier in this book yeah you know and i love hearing the contrast between joey paraphrasing matthew's jesus and joey just making shit up yeah jesus somehow gets way less articulate between chapters 14 and 15 somehow yeah i'm not saying the bible's well written but it goes full white album here if you know what i mean uh white

and delightsome album then it gets around to that uh what about the 99.9 percent of earth's land mass that is an israel question that the bible never bothered with so jesus announces a world tour right hooray oh jesus likes eating the snack packs on planes for breakfast. They never have the one that has the good stuff in it. It comes out. But I bet Joe felt great about this part. He was like, there you go, con man in China. Pick up that mantle. And then we're reminded in stern terms that salvation isn't a right.

It's a privilege. And if God doesn't like our our attitudes he will turn this apocalypse around and then jesus assures us that if the stuff he just said didn't seem super life-changing and profound it's probably because we're too stupid to get it so he orders all the people to go home and think about what they learned yeah but before he takes off he has he has to miracle it up a bit so his grand finale is healing all the sick people and curing the blind and shit. And he held all of them, by the way. None of this one at a time and bullshit was going down in Jerusalem here.

He knocked that shit out like a New York deli. I was actually fine. Don't be a dick. I mean, thank you. My slight fatigue is gone. You helped. And then Jesus said something really cool. Joey won't tell us what it was, of course.

Yes. He tells us how cool it was. Yes. Okay, quote, and no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak. End of quote. Ooh, I bet it was, he who smelt it dealt it. Once you go black, you... Hammocks are bad for your back.

Call almost a month forward. Yes! Yeah, future you that listens to this show in a weird order. Yeah. Once you go Gideonon high you never go Gideon so then Jesus shakes his hands kisses some babies goes to leave everybody's like encore encore so he looks back they think he's not

and then he does happens opens up some angels come down start ministering to kids rings of fire crowd goes wild Murtaugh's just standing there, Jesus, you son of a bitch. I got a bomb on my dick, Jesus. And then he goes to go again, and everybody's like,

you know, hey, maybe a little your flesh before we go? And he's like, yeah, all right, I'll stay for a little communion. So they do communion. Oh, okay, so it's fine. Sorry, I hate to be competitive, but it's fine when they ask.

But when I ask, I'm not allowed to Facebook message Sybabe without talking to you anymore. He also reminds them to look out for that devil fella. He'll get you. Yeah. And then Jesus steps out to heaven. Yeah. And while that doesn't end the chapter, it seems like a great spot to end the segment. So we're going to finish up third Nephi and knock out the one chapter addendum. Fourth Nephi on the next installment of the Book of Morons.

Before we pull up the drawbridge tonight, I want to thank Pat Robertson for taking such good care of his ticker for all these years. The guy who's afraid of AIDS-coated decoder rings. You'd think the stress would have gotten him by now, but nope, there he is, still going strong, making my job that much easier every week. Way to go, P-Robes. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern Time on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I'd be unworthy of this post if I neglected to thank Heath Enright because, because, because, because, because, because of all the wonderful things he does. I need to thank Eli Bostic mostly for the things that he doesn't do eventually. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions because I'm the thing she does, and I don't want to fuck that up.

I also want to thank Jesse for providing this week's Farnsworth quote but most of all of course I want to thank this week's best people Malik, Ed, Karen, Doug, Drunken Disorderly Jim, Evan, James, Nancy, Emily, Tori and Mike. Malik, Ed, Karen, Doug and Drunken Disorderly whose IQs have more zeros and ones than this MP3

Jim, Evan and James whose cocks give supermassive black holes supermass envy and Nancy, Emily, Tori and Mike whose unrivaled strength resulted in the nuclear force being downgraded to the less weak force. Together, these 11 elegant altruists elected to elevate our elegies for the Almighty this week by giving us money. If you, too, would like to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Thank you. As you can imagine, sex ed in preschool means a very different thing. Oh, well, you didn't have in preschool.

Yeah, if you had in preschool, that's a right joke. Do your joke now. I'm being professional. Do your joke. You need to go back and say not preschool. You should go back and say very old high school, really college age. Let's stick on script here.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.