The Scathing Atheist - 248: Alternate Dimension Edition

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

In this week’s episode, we report back to the future, "everyone becomes Eric Stoltz in Mask" gets more popular votes than the President, and Mormon Jesus will be back to tell us how important all that stuff he said was. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To hear more from Adam, check out the Herd Mentality podcast here: http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/

Warning, Noah was on a plane for 25 hours, so you know this one's going to have some profanity in it. I mean, we recorded it in advance, but he has preliminary profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, Stamps.com, and by the new book about Donald Trump's origin story, The Big Tang Theory, because he looks like a cotton ball came inside a jar of Tang. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Greetings, inhabitants of Sol 3. Am I a phrax from the planet Shulchav?

I evolved from reptilian ancestors, but in fact, you evolved from filthyilian ancestors. But in fact, you'll evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's November 16th. And we put the A in atheism. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Sydney, Australia, this is Gaining Atheist.

Retake. On this week's episode, we report back to the future. Everyone becomes Eric Stoltz in mask, gets more popular votes than the president. And Mormon Jesus will be back to tell us how important all the stuff he said was. First, the diatribe. I apologize in advance if this comes off as a little New Age hippie-dippie, but it occurred to me the other night as I was pondering this upcoming trip to Australia that this is going to be my first trip to the Southern Hemisphere. And once I get there, in a sense, every time I look up, I'm going to be looking in a direction I've never looked before.

Now, technically, I guess that's not true. I mean, I've looked down, but that vast expanse of three-dimensional space that's always been blocked by the immediate opacity of the Earth is just going to open up and show me stars I've never seen before. And when that occurred to me, it felt profound. And never mind if it makes me sound like a bumpkin trying to comprehend the international date line.

Even if you reject my grandiloquent perspective on looking at a bunch of stars, you have to admit that there's profundity and the very ability to look at a 24-hour trip to the other side of the world is mundane. And I only bring this up because I think we should all be pushing back against this pervasive idea that understanding shit somehow inhibits awe. As though we were better off recycling the same astonishment of our primitive ancestors. But understanding shit just gives us more to stand in awe of.

You know, if I thought the stars were some kind of apocalypse utensil capable of falling to the earth or an anti-demon projectile, seeing the ones in the southern hemisphere wouldn't be anywhere near as meaningful as it is. You know, I'd look up and I'd say, so those are the ones that are going to get the Patagonians at the end times, huh? But because we understand what they are, I'll know that billion-year-old light that's been hidden behind an 8,000-mile-thick curtain of iron, silicon, and magnesium is touching my skin for the first time. And that beats the fuck out of air-to-demon missiles, if you ask me. Now, obviously, this is a long-held objection from the rationalists. I mean, hell, Dawkins wrote a whole book about this misconception called Unweaving the Rainbow. His title was borrowed from a famous lament from Keats where he bemoaned science's insult to the beauty of the rainbow by, quote, reducing it to prismatic

colors, end quote. Now, I'm not going to outdo Dawkins' argument in the span of a diatribe, but it always struck me as the dumbest possible example for Keats to use. I mean, of all things to draw from, he chooses the fucking rainbow? What better symbol of how little of the world's beauty is apparent to us than the narrow band of colors in the visible spectrum? The fact that the rainbow extends in directions no human eye will ever perceive is a hell of a lot more awe-inspiring than a multicolored parenthesis. And look, there's more value in this than the simple aesthetics.

I mean, we as atheists tend to congregate based on reason. We tend to value rational arguments, objective facts, well-done statistical analyses, etc. But that's a weird quirk of self-selection. It's something that largely sets us apart from everybody else. Not to say only atheists value rationality, but we're far more likely to be swayed by it on the average than the theist. The thing most likely to sway the average person is narrative. And it's here that atheism suffers from a distinct handicap. It doesn't take much to give religion a good narrative because all it is is a fucking narrative and it exists unhindered by fact. unhindered by fact. And when you're making shit up, you can, and inevitably will, wind up with an interfaith arms race of empty promises that naturally selects the team with the most preposterous

heaven claims, which, when coupled with the concomitant hell threats, perfectly explains the global religious landscape of the day. Science, on the other hand, is stymied by its reliance on fact. We're not allowed to just make up an even cooler sounding heaven with even more virgins. We have to stick with the reality that if you're going to have 72 sex partners, you're going to want at least some of them not to start virgin. But that's not our only problem. We're fucking rationalists after all, so we tend not to be super good at this shit. You know, when scientists and science enthusiasts try to package reality in a compelling and awe-inspiring narrative, they come up with shit like the Stardust Gambit.

You know, the bit about how all the atoms in your body were born in the hearts of stars distributed through the universe in colossal stellar explosions. And that sounds good for a second until they admit that that's not, like, unique to people. That's also true of cum stains and anal fissures. And I don't point that out to take a shit on the people who are trying to sell the rationalist narrative. It's a tough row to hoe when you're going up against, you know, all your childhood puppies come back to life and you have a forever orgasm. It's not exactly a fight you can win, but it's a fight we have to fight nonetheless. Because whether or not we atheists, Vulcans, or want to admit it, people need awe. They need inspiration. They need that

reverent moment that I had when I thought about the southern starlight that's been waiting for tens of millions of years to mingle with my skin cells. And science needs all the help they can get in giving it to them. And ultimately, look, we don't need to win this fight. We just need to put up a good fight. We don't need the better narrative. All we need is a good one. An imaginary friend is better than a real enemy, but it's not as good as a real acquaintance. With the exception of a few backward-ass cultures that have managed to insulate themselves entirely from modernism, even religious people recognize on some level that they're full of shit, and when the chips are down, they'd rather take the more mundane option from reality. Right, like, so in the religious narrative, God can cure your cancer just by folding his arms and

wiggling his nose. Science needs to load you up with a shit ton of toxic chemicals and arduous surgeries just to give you a chance. And yet the vast majority of cancer patients would take chemotherapy over prayer if they could only have one. So our narrative might not sound good in a vacuum, but luckily for us, we're not in a vacuum. The point is that if we could win this war with logic, it would have been over a century ago. We need narrative, and it's up to all of us to provide that. Sure, we need the logician, we need the observer, we need the mathematician, we need the scientist, but we also need the poet, so that somebody can tell Keats to go fuck himself in a language that he understands. Aw, cheese and crackers.

Hey, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. What's wrong? Oh, hi, Tyler. Nothing. Just trying to mail these press releases, but human mail is so fragile. Just split. When I try to push it through the envelope, it vaporizes. Oh, you are 100% an alien. What?

Nothing. Nothing. Why don't you try stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Is it a website where men pay women like me to crush them? Because if it is, I'm kind of committed to squish.net. No, no, it is not that. Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your fingertips.

You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail by using your own computer and printer. Okay, but what about the weight of the parcel I intend to transverse? Well, Stamps.com makes that easy. They'll send you a digital scale, automatically calculate exact postage with that. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best

class of mail based on your needs. No need to lease an expensive postage meter. Because I've been holding a handful of small rocks in one hand and the package in the other. Is that good? Am I doing it right? No, you know what? No, probably not.

Okay, then I will cease. Oh, yeah. I use stamps.com for all our merch and Patreon fulfillment at Scathing Atheist. Super convenient. It's like having the post office at your desk. And right now, anyone can enjoy the stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments.

Free postage is good. I have trouble conjuring moisture. Sure. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's Stamps.com. Enter scathing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who are you and why are you here?

Oh, I'm looking for Sarah456. I'm supposed to get stepped on? That's me. That's me. Get inside and lay on the tarp. Nice. Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. The new tarp.

Obviously the new tarp. Way ahead of you. Okay. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. All right, so this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but there was a bit of a problem with the headlines this week. We knew well in advance that we were going to be in Australia this week, and we wouldn't be able to record this segment like we usually do. So we tried something a little bit risky. And as so often is the case in those circumstances, it went

disastrously wrong. So our original plan was to build a time machine, go back in time and give it to ourselves before we started building it so as to not waste any time figuring out how to build a time machine and then use it to go forward in time a couple of weeks read up on the news record headlines there and then bring the recorded headlines back to now so that everything would be topical on the show and it could go on without a hitch unfortunately as i said it didn't exactly go as planned somehow and you know how this shit is we wound up with some other dimensions headlines when we got back. And apparently they have ours. It's a whole big fucking thing.

And because we're in Australia, there wasn't time to fix it. So we had no choice but to roll with what we got. So without further ado, I present to you headlines from a dimension where Hillary won in November. Joining me for headlines tonight are two people with normal, healthy blood pressure readings, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to make this relatively uneventful news cycle interesting somehow? I guess we'll figure something out. But let's be fair.

I am not healthy in any of the dimensions. That's a weird thing to say. The dimension. I'm just not healthy here now. I don't know if I would call it a six-pack, but honestly, for those who are interested, my new weight loss DVD does come out this year. I could not be more grateful.

Boom! Gun show! Arms comes out next year. Great. The gravity is sideways here. It's weird. It's weird. In our lead story tonight, trans people continue to openly serve in the military,

and why wouldn't they? I mean, it's not even like there's a dispute unless you're some crazy fringe, hyper evangelical nut job with no real political power. They don't matter. When asked for comment, a legally visiting Libyan tourist said, quote, well, of course they can. They have as much right to serve as I have to visit, don't they? End quote. Hope they like the hot weather in Syria. Just kidding.

Remember when everyone was so afraid she was going to start a war? They're like, she hadn't been Secretary of State for years. I have so little to talk about and so much hair. Right? Okay. I mean, you have some. Let's call it patchy. It's patchy.

Like a baby got attacked with a little bit of acid. Stay on concept. No. He's a political leader. like a baby got attacked with a little bit of acid stay stay on concept now so evangelical leaders of course continue to decry president clinton's refusal to disenfranchise whole swaths of the american population out of a self-serving desire to shore up her base tony perkins took time away from his nine-month stint breathing into a paper bag to warn of global catastrophes if the u.s military continued down the path of equality and mostly insignificant senator who's way too far to the right to shift platform decisions jeff sessions took time away

from his 16th consecutive benghazi hearing to urge the president to reconsider sorry jeff who uh sessions jeff beauregard something something he was president of the confederacy i think really close actually and look the tony perkins and roy moore's of the world can keep screaming themselves blue in the face but they're powerless right i mean it's not like either of these two equally qualified people are getting elected to high office anytime soon and the lgbt community has nothing to worry about from judicial discrimination as supreme court justice obama made abundantly clear last month oh i don't know too soon with the roy moore joke he's the he's the one who got eaten by bears right that guy who just i thought he was the shitty bond who just died so unimportant it's hard anyways yeah it doesn't

and in dodged a bullet news tonight. Turns out the United States may have dodged a bigger bullet than we thought. Recent arrests within the campaign show that Donald Trump attempted to collude with the Russian government to influence the election. Jesus. Only Donald Trump could need help losing, right? That's a funny joke in this dimension. Yeah. In the dimension.

But in fairness it feels like hillary's doing this for spite i mean if she didn't win the election this probably wouldn't be happening that's the whole investigation you're right you're sure leading analyst and person who we all still take very seriously nate silver says that had it not been for last november's massive turnout trump's misinformation campaign could have swung Ohio, Florida, and even Pennsylvania. Wow, scary thought indeed. Pennsylvania. That's ridiculous.

Pennsylvania. Silver was right, though. We know Silver. He's a serious, smart, intelligent person who we all listen to here. All over his game. He's doing awesome. And in neocontiki news tonight, a whole bunch of neo-Nazis sat on their couches

not really doing anything this week. At one point, their leader guy stood up and asked everyone, hey, do you guys feel emboldened right now? Should we go, like, do something? Everyone just kind of mumbled no, and they continued having a lazy day. Later that afternoon, confederate statue was taken down with uh no incident it's it's nice when your impotence is just line up like that

right yeah so apparently this journalist um who was covering this story was he was on it really closely according to the article i read the very next week the leader guy stood up again and asked the same question you guys want to do some nazi stuff or and uh at that point number two guy responded dude we're feeling kind of powerless let's definitely keep hating the jews and the blacks but you know this doesn't feel like there's a future in this it's not like we have any ambitions to get our people into the highest levels of government the leader guy was forced to agree the rest of the evening they ended up playing xbox and pretending not to be gay i did the same thing last week yeah but i'm

pretty sure when you hate jews it's okay so someone even say genetically determined nobody in power but yeah well no no yeah so uh overall it's been a pretty apathetic stretch for these guys this actually led a prominent reality show host to ask them on twitter why they're not being more active which a spokesman for the group responded quote i don't know maybe we'll hand out some pamphlets next week but it's not feeling it right now seems like everyone thinks the blame for bigotry is all on one side our side because we're bigots this year sucks we are not having any kind of popular revival right now how's your grandfather by the way end quote and in how a bill becomes a flawed news tonight right wing pundit and human semicolon bill o'reilly is in hot water again this week after comparing himself to jesus

by pointing out that the son of God made people put their fingers in way grosser places than he did. These comments came during the debut episode of his new show on Trump TV, Fuck It, We'll Do It Live, and netted him yet more controversy in the wake of his controversial bukkake nard cream comparison. And when asked if he'd ever consider podcasting if he gets fired from his TV show, O'Reilly responded, absolutely not. That would be embarrassing. Oh, can you imagine?

Well, he's missing out. I love my job because it's super duper easy. I know I say this a lot, but I do not feel like I can see the seams of reality pulling apart on a regular basis. I know it's weird to say that you can't see a thing, but it's yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I know it's weird to say that you can't see a thing but it's yeah that's awesome now the White House of course had no comment on the matter

because it's not like the president is sitting at home watching cable news all day she's got shit to do she's not weighing in on petty issues with no regard to the stature of her office why the fuck would a president do that it's true I have no idea who the administration consists of outside the president

because I'm not afraid all of them are Russian spies yeah no me neither it's weird that way not afraid at all anyway despite the controversy o'reilly show continues to be the highest rated show in cable news because let's face it there's not much going on in the world and it's not like we're glued to the news feed every day wondering what watergate eclipsing scandal dribble out of the executive branch today and in baby on the wavy news tonight uh we were waiting to let this out but my wife and i are expecting a child yeah thanks to your support and the fact that my depression is not compounded by an ever-increasing certainty that the world is bad and people are bad we are bringing another life into the world i hope it's a girl whose

rights seem in no real danger of receding given the current political climate. That'd be great. Yeah. Well, except right now while she's a fetus and we're definitely still allowed to kill her. Yeah, for sure. We were actually thinking about aborting this one for fun. Anyway, I couldn't be happier. I have not gained a ton

of weight and I'm not in a mad scramble to keep enough pills in my system to keep us from doing a very special episode oh that Eli always joking about not killing himself I like it when we do running gags like that John Bennett Ramsey

that's the dad Eli wants to fuck an adult this is a different dimension alright so before we get to the last Eli wants to fuck an adult. Yeah. This is a different dimension. All right. So before we get to the last story, I just wanted to tell you guys about this crazy nightmare I had. I feel like it lasted like a year.

It's crazy. You'd never believe it. But in the nightmare, we elected Donald Trump as president of the United States. And he just barely won. And about 1.5 million people voted for a liberal candidate who had no chance of winning and i told him that was stupid ahead of time and and none of

them apologized to me afterwards i mean it was crazy i did get about 100 million apologies from people who didn't vote at all so that was nice but nothing from those wasted liberal votes not one yeah it's crazy terrible nightmare but luckily it didn't matter because just like nader in 2000 didn't really affect the outcome this is an awesome dimension we don't say that enough about our dimension but people in a dimension in dimensions in general don't just say that and love it that's true god i honestly don't know how i'd even react to that actually happening i mean honestly i think i might like as a reaction become over confident in my ability to change minds and get like really sunk into atheism infighting until what i had to say was overshadowed by an ever-growing but useless enemies list until i just sort of gave up on the whole false idea of community and just like

stuck to comedy and like defeat and cowardice i I honestly, I am so grateful that didn't happen. So grateful. No kidding. Good stuff. Good stuff. Lots of good news this week. All right. Uh,

time for the final story from the flotus to potus file. President Hillary Clinton, uh, is a great way to begin a sentence, isn't it? I did not vomit in my mouth at all. Just now. Good times.

Anyway, President Hillary Clinton accomplished one or more productive things so far this year. Good stuff. Seems obvious that a president would do that. So not sure why I said that, but there you go. Did something positive this year, this entire year. That's important. And since there's nothing horrible to rant about and considering we might be going out of town at some point, I thought we could do a quick lightning round with some future predictions. So let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Headlines that we'll almost certainly see in the near future go. A Johnson Amendment under no immediate threat.

Kevin Sorbo defeats huge invasion of alien Nazis using words with friends. Democratic Republic of North Korea dominates Hearthstone World Championships. Scientists realize mattresses only consumer product not sold with sex. Kentucky's Creation Museum crumbled to the ground after its gopher wood became infested with ken ham's facial mold tinder just for people who want to fuck each other again donald trump damn lucky no sane politician would stick their justice department on the person they defeated in the general because holy shit did he make it easy uh religious tax exemptions cost the united states about 80 billion dollars over the last year. Some things never change in any dimension.

That's true. Last Nazi on Twitter closes his account. NASA admits Richard Branson kind of a fucking nut, if you ask me. Pat Robertson finally took the form of a small puddle of honey next to the microphone on his desk. And Sarah Huckabee

Sanders secures heavyweight boxing championship of the world, marking Floyd Mayweather's first defeat and of course death 100 of puerto ricans have electricity we controlled a single gun and alex jones burst into flames a democratic process probably a good thing and on that note uh finding worthwhile things in the news to do diatribes about sure is tough these days. So I need to get back to work on that and close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Noah, Heath, Tom and Cecil are best friends and we have a best friends club.

And when we come back, Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast will be here to discuss the recent Supreme Court win in the Kevin Swanson versus those sluts who want me to pay for their whore pills decision. And we now return you to your regularly scheduled dimension. Please note. Hi, welcome to Generic Local Cooking Class.

I'm a dangerously frail looking woman who does not know that much about cooking. Can I help you? Yeah, my mom got me this Groupon. Yeah, that's why everyone is here. Find a seat next to a group of sad girls or a serial killer. Hi, it's my birthday. Oh, hi. Okay, class, today we have two options.

It's my birthday. Oh, hi. Okay, class. Today we have two options. I can either yell a single recipe at you intermixed with very personal half jokes that indicate a tragic backstory to my life or we can talk about Blue Apron. What's Blue Apron?

Good choice. Really? Not again. Can we? Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Blue Apron's mission is to make credible home cooking accessible to everyone. Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system,

setting the highest standards for ingredients, and building a community of home chefs. Isn't that what you do? No, no. I rent this room in the YMCA because my home is dreadfully quiet. Mine too. Yeah. Okay, great. Look, I'm really just hopingCA because my home is dreadfully quiet. Mine too. Yeah. Okay, great.

Look, I'm really just hoping to make some home-cooked meals. Oh, okay. Well, how does crispy wild Alaskan pollock and garlic mashed potatoes with roasted broccoli and tartar sauce or steaks and garlic butter with oven fries and romaine salad sound? That sounds amazing. Maybe this cooking class won't be so bad. Nope, that's coming up this month on Blue Apron.

We're going to be making no-bake cookies salted with tears. I don't think you should be in charge of anyone right now. You sound just like the judge. I started crying and I don't know why. She gets it. Okay, class. Well, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You're going to love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. All right. So why don't we break into groups of four and make wine jokes that barely cover all alcoholism. More like a start bottle. Blue apron, better way to cook. Start bottle. We now interrupt this pre-recorded episode for a quick update on the political situation in Australia. The day before this episode was set to go to air, a national non-binding referendum on marriage equality passed overwhelmingly, and while that has right-thinking people the world over celebrating, that ebullience doesn't translate to the wrong-thinking people.

So for a bit on their perspective, we now turn things over to our Australian correspondent Adam Reeks, who is live with the managing director of the Australian Christian lobby Lyle Shelton. Thank you Noah. I'm reporting live from Sydney with the news that the voluntary postal survey is in and the results were an overwhelming yes in favor of marriage equality. 61.6% in fact. Now joining me for an exclusive interview is Lyle Shelton. Lyle thanks for joining us for an official statement. Pleasure. You're very brave mixing religion and politics. As are you. Now, let's briefly cover off your position throughout the campaign.

You are very much against equal rights for gay and lesbian couples. I'm not wanting to propose anything against any fellow Australians. People have a right to live their lives as they see fit in a free society like Australia. But I do think there is an issue with changing the definition of marriage. And this is not a gay straight issue. Well, it kind of is. It seems like now the results are in, you're beginning to change your position. Yeah.

Best news I've heard all day. How will the Christians deal with such a shock to the system? We've got a huge education task ahead of us. So now that people can be a bit more open about their sexuality, do you think that homosexuality is more prevalent than you'd previously acknowledged? Yes, it does exist on both sides. Gay Christians, eh? This is groundbreaking stuff. I want to start by offering an apology. Really? Well, okay, this is the place to do it.

We're sorry for what happened. Oh, you mean the hate, the vitriol, the straw man arguments and so forth? Yeah. Encouraging to hear. I mean, the first step is acknowledging the problem. So, when the news was announced that lesbian couples are likely to be able to soon marry, what was the first thing that sprung to your mind? Their lips.

Hmm. Do you have any urges regarding gay men? Were you... Compelled to perform same-sex. Yeah, right. So you joined in the celebrations? Quickly joined by the gay couple. And? I touched gay men.

Well, why wouldn't you? I think that's the basis of a civil society. Absolutely. So why did you stop? Because it started to hurt. How's your sphincter feeling now? I think we need to have a good hard look. Hang on.

Well, it's quite dark in there, but that looks a little bit like... Come. I'm no doctor, but I'd say you're spot on there. Now, final thoughts on the outcome of the postal vote. There are no consequences to changing the definition of marriage. Lyle Shelton, leader of the Australian Christian Lobotomy, thanks for joining us on The Herd Mentality, reporting live for The Scathing Atheist.

He's a hero. Yeah, Noah's a genuinely good guy. Take care and all the best in the future. Anonymous sperm donation is a good thing. Thank you, Adam. And for more great interviews with the leading figures in backward-thinking stupidity, be sure to check out the Herd Mentality podcast, which you'll find linked on the show notes. And now, back to your regularly scheduled episode.

When we last left Joseph Smith, Jesus had come and gone, and despite hundreds of pages to build up, it turned out Jesus really didn't have anything much to say. And clearly, Joey heard about it after the dictation, because in the second half of 3 Nephi, Jesus is back to take another wild stab at profundity. of third nephi jesus is back to take another wild stab at profundity yeah and so it came to pass that jesus walked back into the the frame and said hold on you didn't let me finish also i was gonna say more more stuff in a minute bring what i have to take this call i'll be right back just jesus holding up a finger in a waiter's face. I'm so sorry. I do want to order, but I want you to stand there and wait for me.

That is a huge chunk of this fucking book. And, of course, joining us in celebration of how slim the right half of this book is getting is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Sorry you couldn't join us for a twim from another dimension. Well, to be fair, in that dimension, I'm still recovering from my inaugural celebration. True that. True that. Fair enough.

So when we last left off in the book of 3 Nephi, Jesus had appeared to the Nephites, said his peace, and dipped out back to heaven. But before he left, he named 12 American disciples, pretty much at random, and promised to be right back. And I'm sorry if we're having too much fun with these, but here's the 12 disciples. Nephi, Timothy, who Nephi raised from the dead earlier, Jonas, Methoni, Methoni-ha, Cuman, Cuman-ha,

Cuman-ha! Jeremiah-ha, Shaman-ha, and Jonas again. Jonas again! Sedeqia and Isaiah. I can only think of 11. I love that so much.

Jonas. You said Jonas. Yeah, it's also Jonas. There can be two people with the same. You don't know. Jax. Right. Okay. So all the people in the world count off by 12s and each one of them gets a

different disciple there's just 145 people in the world and it's like fuck okay steve you you be a jew okay you're gonna fuck this whole thing up well and then everybody gets baptized so a ring of fire appears around them and a bunch of angels show up to minister to them and jesus makes an encore performance shows him back up they bring the lights up people just grabbing their coats and then bam comes running back out on stage jesus and of course jesus doesn't really have much to say this time around either but joey wants to be super clear that he was really white right like super caucasoid yeah the quote here is amazing quote behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of jesus and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the

whiteness yay even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof. Do you guys hear a whistle? My dog is going crazy. I also hear it. Weird. So Jesus goes back and forth praying to his dad, being prayed to, praying to his dad, until eventually he prayed in a way too awesome to carve into golden plates apparently. Eventually, he prayed in a way too awesome to carve into golden plates, apparently. Right. But they pray so good that even the disciples turn super white here. Yeah.

One guy's still kind of tan. Everybody's like, Jerry, Jerry, you want to pray a little harder? Right. And Jesus tops it all off by saying that everyone has done a way better job praying than the Jews ever did. Like, way better. Then Jesus magics up some more wine and bread and they do that whole thing again. Yeah. Just dig around his purse.

Don't worry, I have enough here for everybody. Give me a second. And then Jesus calls white people dibs on America. Yeah, okay. Sorry for the extended quote, but I want to underscore just how articulate Jesus isn't in the Book of Mormon. This is 3 Nephi 20, verse 19. Jesus is talking about how awesome he's going to make the white people of America. And he says, quote, I will make thy horn iron and I will make thy hooves brass and thou shalt beat in pieces many people. And I will consecrate their gains unto the Lord and their substance unto the Lord of the whole earth.

And behold, I am he who doeth it. End quote. Just a guy standing there with an iron trumpet. Backwards, backwards. Fuck. This is going to be a nightmare. This isn't in B flat, which is the appropriate key for this instrument to be in. Call forward.

Sometimes C or E-flat all of a sudden. Anyway, this is also where Jesus quotes from the book of Acts, which even Christians think was written 30 years after when this is supposed to be happening. Yeah, exactly. So Jesus is quoting from a book that hasn't been written yet, just for the record. And that's what Christians think. A lot of talk about the Holy Ghost spilling his seed over the Gentiles here, too. Also known as Jukaki.

Yeah. Also, we should talk about this one ending because it's like excuso numero uno to kill everyone that isn't Mormon. So Joe obviously gets bored and runs out of bible in the hat so he has jesus say all this stuff about mountains and feet and zion it's all very thorn right which mormons have decoded to mean america is ours and we get to kill everyone who disagrees yeah when being jesus said that in and out of code. Exactly. Then Jesus is all like, okay, so you're probably wondering how you'll know when it's time to take back America from the Lamanites.

So when I'm ready for you to manifest your destiny, I'll be sure to have somebody uncover the Book of Mormon. We'll find it. But think about what a stupid thing this is to say. Jesus is basically saying someday in the future, there will be people in this land that you're in right now that will know you existed. And that'll be the sign. And everybody's like, do you mean now? Because we know we exist. And it seems like now counts.

Jesus goes hard on this. He's like, you believe me here? Great, great. But if any future motherfucker doubts the Book of Mormon, forget about it. That guy, that guy's a real dick. That happens.

Well, God also kind of un-chooses the Jews at this point, too. Jesus gives the Nephites this it's not you, it's me, okay, it's you speech about how it looks like the jews are just beyond redemption and he's gonna have to go choose european gentiles to get shit done yeah it's for the best i hope me and jesus can still be friends and i can like all of jesus's facebook photos all of them joseph smith also declares himself invincible in chapter 21 he's talking about his future messenger

and how some asshole won't believe him Jesus is even though he'll clearly be right and then he says but even if people try to shoot him in a jail for example he'll be just fine note to self do not write go ahead shoot me in holy book. Got it. Then we really reinforce the only Mormons count aspect of heaven. Then Jesus also promises to kick son's ass eventually. Right. Yeah.

And Jesus might as well be tweeting these threats. Are we sure Trump isn't a Mormon? Are we sure? And look, we can joke about this all we want and that's a lot oh good i'm glad to hear it yeah but it's worth reflecting on the fact that what you're reading is genocide apologetics right like this is joseph smith putting words in jesus's mouth to justify massacring native americans and that at least deserves a mention. Yeah. Casual. Yeah.

And then Jesus has a message for all the ladies out there, and that message seems to be, how you doing? It really, he says, quote, enlarge the place of thy tent and let them stretch forth the curtains of thy habitations. Spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy states. And I just want to say, I am into it! I'm hungry.

And then he runs out of shit for Jesus to say, so he starts paraphrasing Isaiah. And man, if you thought Isaiah was inarticulate, oh boy. Yeah, but the gist of this chapter is basically, right before the end of the world, Jesus is going to kick so much ass. Jesus is like the friend who can't tell when the beat drops. Like even in his favorite songs, he's like, and mother fuck. Wait, wait for it.

Okay. Okay. Here. No, wait. Now. Nope. Nope. Okay.

I'm a white person. now nope nope okay i'm a white person and then amazingly when he runs out of isaiah to paraphrase joey has jesus spend a chapter saying so how about that isaiah huh and and it's so obvious that joe just realizes he's running out of book of mormon so jesus is like, and write all this down and maybe some other stuff. Everyone start writing. Just everyone write right now. There's also this weird bit where Joey's trying to establish that the Book of Mormon also counts as scripture.

So he has Jesus go like, hey, Nephi, bring me that book that we're both in right now. This is legit, y'all. Totally true. This book. I'm Jesus. Are you carving this? How about that? How about that?

What are you carving? Did you get that in there? Your hand's moving. Also, Jesus gets oddly bitchy here and chastises Nephi for forgetting to write a part about angels. And he has him go back and add it. And I'm dying to know here what kind of an argument with his transcriber led to that exchange you know what do you mean jesus says he forgot i wrote down what you said so you're calling jesus a liar alan jesus really a liar no calling you a liar. What? Nothing.

And then Jesus starts quoting Malachi in chapter 24. I don't remember Jesus doing so much. It's like they always say in his teachings, but whatever. He always seemed more grandpa after the Alzheimer's rather than grandpa before the Alzheimer's to me. And do I have this right? Joe's excuse for this super long block quote is that Jesus was like, oh yeah, write this down. Malachi, this.

Write it down. All this. But the whole bit is here, I think, because it's part of the Bible, specifically of the Old Testament, that underscores the you need to give God money message in the most brimstone of ways yeah it's like that moment during a timeshare pitch where the guy starts talking about his sick kid yeah exactly it's like oh then there's this obvious filler chapter where joey's once again just straining

to make word count six verses long and it can be wholly summarized as i'll kick so much ass so much ass he also throws a little prophecy in here which according to the mormons was fulfilled when elijah visited the kirtland temple in 1836 giving the mormon church the keys of the priesthood. So well done, Joe. You know, I love a good call forward. There's also a little bit of love each other unconditionally or I'll kill you mixed into this chapter. Ah, yes. Jesus and dad on a road trip.

So much fun times. And then the book spends some more time telling us about Jesus, telling us about stuff, just verse after verse. And Jesus did say some super wise shit. It was crazy wise and stuff. And boy, was it wise. Yeah, I mean, it goes so far as to say that Jesus told them about all the things from history and the future. All the things. All of them.

In three days. That says a lot about what Joseph Smith considered the grand scope of possible knowledge, right? Joe, how long do you think it'll take to tell the people literally all the things, everything? I want to say three days. Three days. I was going to say the same thing great awesome this worked out

locked it in he also says that at the end of days the earth will be rolled up like a scroll and I'm just picturing God sitting there in space with a globe like trying to um where do I do I start at a corner

this is an obloid spheroid. There's, oh, almost. Yeah, no, you're close. But there's even a part where he does like a great wisdom psych out. This is an actual quote from verse 11 of chapter 26 of 3rd Nephi.

He's just been talking about how much amazing wisdom Jesus dropped on him and how not even a hundredth of it could ever be written down but he's going to put some of the great wisdom in here right and then it says quote behold i was about to write them them being the great pearls of wisdom from jesus but the lord forbade it saying i will try the faith of my people and typical jewish girl making you earn it so jesus ministers to the kids cheers all of the sick people heals the blind raises a man from the dead you know the usual and then he heads back up to heaven because he's done which is weird because he did that a few days

ago someone had to die or get sick like that afternoon and And after he leaves, all the kids he ministered also said super wise shit that Mormons weren't allowed to carve into these plates. Yeah. We don't know what they were. And when we say kids, we mean literal babies are throwing out marvelously unwriteable

things. Babies. Babies. Yes. And look, what possible motivation could jesus have for this like like what do mormons think why would jesus build up that he was coming for centuries show up and say i've got some great important grand messages for you nobody write any of this down all right off the record you guys are the new jews and invest in clean coal clean coal then jesus shows up yet again while everybody's praying and he's just like sup do you guys call yeah comes down he's like hey you guys want any wishes i guess i just saw aladdin i'm doing the wish thing now i just had

we get maybe my favorite part in the book so far. There's a lot of contenders. This is the part where the new Christians freak the fuck out because they're on the spot and they can't think of what question to ask Jesus. So one guy blurts out, what should we call our church? And then everybody looks at him like, that's your question, dude? Jesus. And Jesus is like, fucking Christian. Duh. I'm Christ Christian.

Oh, man. Alan had a rough rest of the year and staren's walking around oh man sure wish stones gave you a blowjob but we're called christians huh alan that's good right but then he's like uh since that was such a stupid question let me answer a better question about satan and he's like okay well at least we get that Jesus also points out that the most important thing anybody can possibly do is write down the book we're reading or transcribe it from a hat

and then he tacks on this oh by the way lamentation at the end where he says sure feel awful about the great grandchildren of yours eventually being led astray and burning in hell and everyone's like dude spoilers sorry it's just an awful pity grandchildren of yours eventually being led astray and burning in hell. And everybody's like, dude! Spoilers! Sorry, sorry. It's just an awful pity what happens in season five

of Game of Thrones. You want to get crucified again? This is how you get crucified again. Come to find out that's why it happened in the first place. And then we get a classic case of shouldn't have answered so soon. Jesus says to his twelve Nephite disciples, okay,

so I can give you anything you want. Just ask. And nine guys blurt out go to heaven when we die. Woo! And Jesus is all like, yeah, gotcha. And the other three guys are like, um, already had that on account of the baptism, guys. So

not die ever? Not die ever. Ah! Ah! die ever also for clarity the guys who go to heaven want to live a long time so jesus makes them live to 72 right my grandmother who listens to this podcast is 95 so yeah cholent and chain smoking get you 23 more years than Jesus. You fart all the time. We can all hear it. I wish you could hear it.

So yeah, we've entered into the Highlander portion of the Book of Mormon, whereupon three Mormon disciples are granted immortality and, as near as I can tell,

are supposed to still be wandering around America teaching people about Jesus now. Yeah, and there should be only one. Okay, new question for the white shirts to show up on Saturdays, though. Are you an immortal disciple of God? Right. Please explain. And I have to mention my favorite part about these immortal guys. So Jesus asks the last three disciples what they want,

but they're too afraid to tell them. So he's like, oh, I know what you guys want. I can read your thoughts. You want to be immortal, don't you? Yeah, totally, totally immortal. That's it. It was not, I was not going to say anything about my penis. I love too that whenever Jesus promises something, he has to confuse himself with the Trinity.

He's like, I promise I'll do that, by which I mean that the Holy Ghost promises my dad that he, I will do what I, he promised the Holy Ghost would do. So confusing. Then Jesus says some more way cool, too hot for gold plate stuff and they can't. Yeah, and what it sounds like based on the half-assed semi-description is a mushroom trip. Right? Sounds like Jesus had some blotter for everybody.

Hey, I appreciate a holy book that has all the thrill of your friend telling you about the first time he smoked pot. Second only to hearing about someone's dreams right so jesus's disciples head off to go do some superhero preaching complete with prison breaks and retribution magic apparently yeah there's a nearly comical list in here too of ways that people tried to kill them and how they failed right like lo they were thrown in the fire

and did not burn they were cast to the wolves and gave them belly. Right? Like, lo, they were thrown in the fire and did not burn. They were cast to the wolves and gave them belly rubs. They were hung but just kind of swung back and forth for a really long time and eventually we had to cut them down. And by now, forbidden writings has just become a way to avoid remembering what he just said. So the narrator

says, and I was just about to write down which disciples did what and even though I totally remember the names I gave them earlier, God told me not to write it. Then he makes it clear that immortal disciples are lurking among us and could be anywhere and I just want to know where

our Mormon movie about those three dudes is in the modern day looking at a fucking remote control. I want to make that movie that's where it is take it and then joey spends three verses trying to answer all of the i don't get how they wouldn't ever die though questions yeah got a hunch they'll be the ones running around screaming oh my god i'm so bored and i can't remember anything because my life is 50 times longer than it was when I was a kid. It's a massively swollen brain. It's weird.

And then Mormon turns to the camera and he's like, I bet you're wondering how you'll know when the apocalypse starts. Well, I'm glad you asked. There's going to be this book, see, called The Book of Me. But Grandpa, they can't be stuck in the fire pit.

They just can't. Shut up, kid. I only have one eye and you'll do nothing after one of years. Most people don't know about that one eye thing. And it doesn't come right out and say, and you might have to kill people who don't buy into that book when it comes out to, but it certainly alludes to the fact that you should kill people who don't buy into that book when it comes out to. But it certainly alludes to the fact that you should kill people who don't buy into it. There's also this weird and stop hissing at the Jews moment at the end of chapter 29.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I approve of the message, but it just comes out of nowhere. It's just like, also campers, there's been some Jew hissing. Maybe we cut that out. All right. So campers, there's been some Jew hissing. Maybe we cut that out. All right.

And then third Nephi wraps with a quick altar call that says, hey, don't everybody forget to be Mormon now. All right. Yeah. And as much as we'd like to call it a night there, we're going to go ahead and knock out fourth Nephi as well because it's one chapter long. And as much as we'd like to only have to read one chapter next time around, we also want to be done with the goddamn Book of Mormon and we want that more. Yes. Right. So we start with everybody becoming Christian and there being no strife or conflict in the land. Also,

they were communist. Apparently. Yeah. Or maybe they just had like a super free market that took care of stuff just efficiently. Doesn't say why everyone had enough food. God's hand is invisible. There's that.

Just be market efficiency. And apparently they were so righteous that Jesus was letting them heal the sick and raise the dead and ambulate the lame. Good times. Good times. We're a border wall away from getting back there, y'all. It's still going to happen. Also, Joey makes it very clear that everyone

was crazy white at this point. Fourth Nephi, verse 10. Behold, it came to pass, of course it came to pass, that the people of Nephi did wax strong and did multiply exceedingly fast and became an exceedingly white and delightsome people. Of course they did.

Some bunch of albinos fucking like rabbits in perpetual peace for decades and when it snowed everyone disappeared yeah for 50 years or so there was no robbery murder envy strife whores or lying no lies for decades right because everybody was so mormon and all right hey does my ass look big in this uh yes it does you should have asked me in 49 years okay rude well you are lucky there's no murders well you're lucky there's no horse so my first 19 joey realizes this chapter has been going on for over a hundred years. So he decides to address who the fuck would be writing that.

Now, he does have immortal people now, but he doesn't go with them. No, no. But after a couple hundred years, shit starts getting all wonky again. Lamanites start cropping up here and there. Starbucks opens. Is there a Helmler? It's weird. Okay.

I don't know why you think that's a bad thing. There's no heaven without peppermint mochas. That's an odd metaphor. That stuff gets worse and worse until, wouldn't you know it, all the necks start stiffening once again and they're like, you know what? Fuck all these Christians with their superpower and lack of whores. Let's throw them into

furnaces. But the Christians were still too Jesus-y to die. So they had to let them back out of the furnaces. Which means, by the way, that the Mormon equivalent of snake handling should actually be furnace surfing, right?

See, you say that, but I grab the white shirt of teenagers, I tie them up, I get them ready, and they send us off. Don't ruin my oven. And squeak, squeak, squeak, ma'am. So the key takeaway is that despite all the miracling and whatnot, within 300 years, everybody turned back into assholes and they were killing each other freely once more. And then Ammaron, who is apparently taking care of the writing at this point, gets a message from God that he should bury the plate somewhere safe. And even though that would be a spectacular place for the whole goddamn book to come to an end.

Wouldn't it? It doesn't. There are still three more goddamn books to go. But we've definitely knocked out plenty for this episode. So we'll shelve this tedious tome until the next installment of The Book of Morons. Morons. Oh, hey, God. Didn't expect to see you on the floor today.

Yeah, just checking in on that last continent, seeing how you guys are doing. Yeah. I really wish you had called ahead. What the fuck is this? Yeah, that's why I wish you had, uh, had called ahead. What the fuck is this? Yeah, that's why I wish you'd called. Seriously, did you guys mix up the ducks and the beavers or what? Uh, yeah, we're

calling that one a platypus. You can't be serious. Where the fuck is Tony? Yeah, uh, about that. Well, Tony quit, so we put a new guy in charge of design, and he's good. He's really good. Mick, can I borrow you for a second?

And what the fuck is this when it looks like a box of hypodermic needles fucked in armadillo? That's an echidna, sir. G'day. God, this is Mick. Mick, guard. Great to meet you, boss.

What the fuck are you making here? Whole new design concept. Figured we'd done the hell out of dogs and cats and whatnot, so we're going with something I call... Get ready for it... Marsupials. No, no, this is all... You've mixed the beavers with the ducks,

you got the legs all wrong on this hopping thing, and what the fuck is this, were you watching Game of Thrones on acid or something? Goanna. We call it a goanna. None of this. None of this. Look, and hear me out boss, these marsupials, they're gonna be awesome. What the fuck are you talking about, they don't even have room marsupials, they're going to be awesome. What the fuck are you talking about? They don't even have room to gestate.

They're young. That's why we gave them these little pouches. They're going to gestate? They're young? In pouches? Yeah, that's right. Little fetuses can just crawl up the belly there. Then we've got the separate tits for the stages of growth.

No, look, I had a chart. Why didn't you just use the chart? Yeah, well, we've already filled up six continents with that stuff, so I figured, well, why not get a bit creative? This is an embarrassment, Nick. Well, to be fair, I don't think you're really giving it a chance. Wait until you see these wallabies hop, hey? Hop? They hop? That's not a legitimate means of locomotion. What's wrong with walking?

Oh, it's been done to death. How many of these have you already produced? Couple of million, I suppose. And how long do we have before Earth goes live? We're already two weeks past the scheduled date, sir. Oh, for fuck's... All right, well, I'll be damned if I'm letting this continent touch any of the other ones. Stick it off in the corner there.

If the humans see this, we're going to be a laughingstock. Well, sir, they're bound to find this continent eventually. Look, I don't care if you have to surround it with sharks, deadly jellyfish, and venomous everything. No one ever sees these goddamn rapusials or whatever. Masuvials, sir. Whatever. Don't you want to say the sugar glondus? The what? It's alright,

God. Remember what they said about your blood pressure. Let's get you a coffee. The sugar what? you're worthless. Before we ring the closing bell tonight, I want to let you know that this is your last chance to come see us in Sydney for Skepticon. If you're listening from the Sydney area, it's a two-day event.

You can get one-day passes if you're only free one of those days. We're recording two shows and we're going to be hanging out the whole time. These motherfuckers flew us halfway around the world and if you don't show up, they're going to think they wasted their money. So let's get on that shit. Also, we've got a special Thanksgiving treat for you.

We had a good friend and trusted cartoonist, Angelo Madrid, animate one of our favorite diatribes, and it's available now on our YouTube channel. You'll also find it on all our social media or through the handy link on the show notes for this episode. Check it out, share it, thumbs it up, and enjoy. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, and an even newer

episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday, because Australia or no, we make the fucking donuts. Obviously, this wouldn't count as a show if I didn't thank Heath, Eli, and Lucinda for the Herculean amount of work it took to get the show ready in advance along with all the GAM stuff and Citation Needed stuff. Also want to preemptively thank them for hopefully keeping me from getting thumb-raised by an angry air marshal during the flight. Also want to thank Althrax from the planet

that Althrax is from for this week's intergalactic farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, whose names I don't know yet because we had to record this episode in advance. But I'm sure they all have amazing genitals, and I'll be sure to thank them by name when I get back up over. Because they gave us money. And if you, too, would like to give us money, you should do that.

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Spoke to Anna. Don't know if this affects your decision. It is not a zoo. It is a wildlife rescue. So everything we're dealing with has been rescued. They've been rescued from the wild into this zoo? Yes. Okay.

To be taken because they were hurt in the outback. Oh, so it's going to be like shitty disabled animals that we're going to be hanging outback. Oh, so it's going to be like shitty disabled animals that we're going to be hanging out with. Yeah. Okay. And they put them in a bag so they don't harm you. Alright, I look forward

to hearing what that was. It's going to be a bunch of wallabies looking like my dad rolling around in fucking wheelchairs and walkers. Great. Yeah. And then I go over and I gently pat it on the head. Or not so gently.

What am I going to do? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.