The Scathing Atheist - 249: How to Heretic Edition

Episode Date: November 23, 2017

In this week’s episode, Eli will reference a thing we put up on YouTube, and then forget to post it to YouTube on time to make it into these shownotes, and Mark and Dan will join us to talk about fun things you’re allowed to do with your butt if you’re not religious anymore. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out the How to Heretic, click here: https://howtoheretic.com/podcast/ And to hear more from Mark and Dan on Thank God I’m Atheist, click here: http://www.thankgodimatheist.com/

Warning, this week's episode should not be played at Thanksgiving dinner unless your family is fucking awesome. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Policy Genius and by the Turkey Safety Tweet Line. Apparently somebody on Twitter named AtRealDonaldTrump is ready to answer all your questions about turkeys. That's AtRealDonaldTrump with two E's, not R-E-A-L like RealDonaldTrumpkeys that's at real donald trump with two e's not r-e-a-l like real donald trump because that's the president so don't be confused and send way too many tweets to at real donald trump send it to at real donald trump also happy thanksgiving and now the scathing Atheist. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Hello, boys and girls! It's me, Santa! Just reminding you that if you aren't a patron of this show already,

you're probably getting cold in your stocking this Christmas. But why, you ask? Because we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. It's Thursday. It's Thanksgiving if you love freedom. And you should go watch the thing we made on YouTube. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, seriously, go watch the thing we did on YouTube. Angelo is amazing. I yield the balance of my bullet point to the thing on YouTube also. And Frank and Dan from the How To Heretic podcast will be here to talk butt stuff.

But first, the diatribe. all right so i had an amazing time in Australia. I enjoyed myself so much that I started getting worried. Skepticon was fucking amazing. It was a whole weekend of deciding between great speakers and great live podcast records. And Iran and all the folks with Australian skeptics spoiled the hell out of us while we were there. It was an amazing fucking time. And the whole time, I'm having so much fun in one of the world's least religious countries. And I'm getting really concerned because my job requires me to be pissed off. Right? Like I've got to get angry to make this whole thing work. I can't do

a diatribe about how happy I am. Where would I put all the fucks? But I wasn't too worried because I knew there was a savior awaiting me between the trip to Australia and the next diatribe, a bright, shining rancor factory of misery that promised to reinvigorate my acrimony and reaffirm my job security. And that was the 29 hours of airplanes and layovers that got me back home. I was sure that somewhere along the vast and tiresome expanse of the Pacific Ocean, there was a match awaiting my fuse. But as certain as I was of that fact going in, I was still surprised when it happened, because it came from an unexpected place. What pissed me off, in fact, was piss. The piss, specifically, of American thespian and national treasurer Tom Hanks. See, I'm looking over the movie selection on the plane, and it's the same one

I had on the 23-hour flight to Australia, so it's getting a little stale, but I noticed that they did have The Green Mile, and I think to myself, hey, that's a perfect movie for a long flight. It's three hours long, it moves really slow, but in a good way, and despite some on-the-nose analogies and a few over-the-top cliches, it's well-written, so I decided to watch it. And of course, they come up and warn you ahead of time that this film has been modified from its original version because a dude's head catches fire in it, and we don't want some little old lady seeing that for the first time on our airplane.

Thank you very much. But I was unprepared by how much they were going to edit out. I mean, I'm used to the dumb shit they substitute for profanity. You know, fuck a stranger in the ass turns into fight a stranger in the Alps. And Tony Montana starts thanking people at the least appropriate of times. And as a professional Bulgarian, I don't care for this type of censorship. But even that wasn't enough to get under my skin after such an amazing trip. But when you start fucking with Tom Hanks piss, you've crossed the line.

Now, if you haven't seen The Green Mile, that's going to sound weird. But if you have, you know that a significant portion of the film revolves around Tom Hanks' character's inability to squeeze out a piss. The key supernatural conceit in the script is revealed to us through a miraculous healing of his urinary infection. So this really matters to the plot. But apparently some people think urinating is offensive. to the plot, but apparently some people think urinating is offensive. So the version of the movie I get on the airplane chops apart all the pissing related parts with a meat cleaver and delivers up a movie that would be indecipherable to follow on a first viewing. And I can't overemphasize how A, pivotal to the story this is, and B, how non-offensive the peeing in this

flick is. He's not pissing on a mattress because Obama slept on it once. It's not being used for comic effect. We don't see his urethra open. It's off-camera benign and a pretty inspired plot device. And beyond that, it's Tom Hanks. I would submit that there is no way to appreciate Tom Hanks' brilliance if you take out the pissing. His whole acting method revolves around the pissing. League of Their Own, Castaway, Forrest Gump, The Money Pit, Captain Phillips, all of them have pivotal pissing scenes. And how the fuck can anyone get angry about urinating? Is there an anti-urinating group out there that tells us that peeing is sinful? I mean, don't get me wrong.

That's not inherently dumber or more crazy than telling us that masturbation is sinful. But unless it's being done by trans people, you don't often see people getting worked up about it but apparently the very fact that a penis is involved is enough to piss somebody off and i can't help but wonder what that decision making process looks like right i imagine a room with a lawyer and a mom a rabbi and a priest you're probably a black guy and a gentleman of polish descent just so you can have all the subject of bigoted 80s jokes in the same room, and they're just going through it frame by frame with a buzzer for anything that might offend somebody. Wait, wait, wait, back up for a second. That blood on the floor, that isn't menstrual blood, is it? No way to know for sure. Cut it.

I'm sorry, but this film takes place in November, and that coffee cup is just plain red. Cut it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but you can hear him urinating, and that coffee cup is just plain red. Cut it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you can hear him urinating and that comes out of the devil's hot dog. Cut it. Right. I mean, that has to happen. That has to exist somewhere in the world.

That room has to be real on earth. And honestly, who the fuck are they trying to protect here? Who are they cutting these scenes for? Is it for the innocent little nine-year-old who decided to forego the five separate Spider-Man movies they had on tap to watch a three-hour Frank Darabont period piece about an African-American man's unjust treatment in a 1930s Alabama prison and might be scarred by the tangential suggestion of a grown man's penis therein? Or is it for the hyper-religious antiquated prude who watches this movie after

their mission trip and can't believe they'd include the acknowledgement of a basic biological function in entertainment that's technically accessible to children? Look, as a species, we are way too easy to offend. And as a person who's actively offended that they cut out pissing parts of a schlocky Tom Hanks movie, I recognize that I'm not immune to the problem. But at least the petty thing I'm getting worked up over has some basis in reality, right? I'm angry about artistic integrity here, and I'm getting pitted against people who are angry about people having to expel excess fluids. And I'm trapped in a world where international airlines take their concerns more seriously than mine. I'm stuck in a world with whole institutions dedicated to being offended by mundane universalist

shit. And for some fucking reason, society is still pandering to them. The first time they got offended because somebody admitted peeing was a thing, we should have laughed them out of the conversation. And yet we've let them hold sway over our entertainment for decades. And it's not like this is a victimless crime here, right? I mean, the first time a TV network censored an interracial kiss, we should have rose up against them as one. What we see on television and in movies helps shape what we consider acceptable and normal. And if it's used to reinforce negative attitudes about sex that extend all the way down to everything that involves a penis, there's no way that's not damaging. I'm certain that our puritanical squeamishness about pissing has led to an awful lot of kids

too embarrassed to tell somebody when they have the early sign of a serious medical condition. Right? I mean, I'm sure there are adults that right now are too embarrassed to go to a doctor and say, hey, what's this thing on my dick? All because we're wedded to some fossilized arbitrary rules of priggish etiquette. So all of those people who are still offended by innocuous shit like pissing, fucking, or the words pissing and fucking,

I want to say, in the language you understand, your spit brain morality can suck my foaming dish. I'm sick and fairly tired to listen to you bewail and moan about heck, fire, and darnation every time we acknowledge that human beings have drops in vegetation

and we use them to farm. Get the fork over it, you miserable frowning bandit. And let kids embrace their gentleness without being burdened by bull stuff. Fears of their own cartoons. And before you write a flowing letter to a flying airline about a flickering movie where a fainting actor ponders a couple of fleeting times,

try taking your own rusty drill. Or the arid sandpit of a country. You call your property and thank yourself until you're over it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are nobody. Because we're all still recovering from the Australia trip. We all had family stuff to attend to immediately after, you know, with Thanksgiving happening two days after we got back.

And there was no way we could get together for a topical segment in time. So we're going to be stepping a bit outside the normal format this week, and things will be more or less back to normal next week. We've got a great interview for you coming up, plus some award-eligible acting and another installment of Mormon Peace Theater. But first, a quick word from this week's sponsor policy genius hi i'm no illusions and i'm heath enright is someone you know planning to fight a kangaroo does the explanation that kangaroos are almost seven feet tall not help does he keep telling you that the key is to get inside the kangaroo's guard? I'm going to get inside its guard, exactly.

Then there's no better time to check out policygenius.com. Wait, what? Policygenius lets you compare life insurance from the top providers online. It takes as little as five minutes. And if you find a policy you like and you want to know more, you can talk to one of their licensed experts and perhaps explain to him that you need to protect your income because one third of it

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just got disemboweled by a marsupial. So if you're about to fight a kangaroo, or even if you just need life insurance, but you've been putting it off, try policygenius.com. You can compare life insurance online on your own terms in your own time. Policygenius.com, because you should only be forced to speak to an agent if you've committed a federal crime which i'm pretty sure attacking a protected animal is protected by evil as a person that grew up in a nominally religious non-church going family i'm often baffled by the questions and concerns in my inbox i mean i get that 30 years of indoctrination doesn't wash off easily, but I can only imagine what it's like to actually go through that process. And despite my publicly professed

ignorance on the subject, I still get inundated with requests for advice on how to be an atheist. How does a person raised in the church get over their fear of hell, their prejudice against casual sex, their innate discomfort with the word fuck? Now, for years, I've muttered my way through those inquiries with an apologetic reminder that I've never actually been through any of that. But I'm happy to now finally have a place to send those concerned emailers. Now, you know Dan and Mark as the co-host and occasional fill-in co-host of the Thank God I'm Atheist podcast. But they joined me tonight to talk about their new collaboration. The How-To Heretic is an avuncular guide to leaving religion and all the new adventures that entail so dan mark welcome to the scathing atheist thanks man hey noah how's it going it's going you you guys gave me an opportunity to use the word

avuncular it's going i was impressed that you knew that one that's a great word i didn't i don't know what that means i guess i need to see a specialist it means uncle like and i paid a lot of goddamn money in college to learn that word i'm damned if i'm not going to use it so okay first things first uh has salt lake city fully recovered from four days of having eli in it you know that's not something you recover from but i think if you get they give you a cream for it it cleans it cleans it right up you know i i i have i i made a joke during theCast that the only exercise I get is showing atheist podcasters around Temple Square. But you guys and your jokes about Eli and the bathroom are correct. I now know Temple Square more intimately than I ever did before because I know where every single toilet is.

So come see me in Salt Lake. I'll show you around. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Especially if you're missing a gallbladder or just have Eli disease. All right, well, I apologize. It seems like I just asked, hey, is that cousin of yours

over the Vietnam War or something? So I'll withdraw that question. And instead, we'll talk about the How To Heretic. So tell me, what is the show? What was the inspiration for it? Mark and I decided that we wanted to do something for the atheist community that wasn't being done yet. And we looked around and, you know, there's lots of good shows like yours that cover sort of current events and cover all of, you know, how that's supposed to go. So we wondered about what but the your show and you know thank god i'm atheist these are all

somewhat deep dives in into the world of atheism if you're not already initiated you're going to be lost at some parts of the way at some of it yeah and so we decided that we wanted to do something for the it's not just for newbies but we wanted to make sure that there was a, that there was a place where, where we could just discuss how the hell do you, do you live life once you, once the, your entire worldview has suddenly just disintegrated out from under you. Yeah. And I think you, you touched on that a little bit in your excellent intro there, Noah, that for people like you who didn't, you know, give up a massive amount of your youth or, you know, adolescence or twenties or whatever to, you know, full religious

programming, it's perfectly fine to, to, you know, hate on religion and, and have this intellectual basis in that. But then there's these, this other group of people, which Dan and I are kind of part of who walked out of a situation where your entire life, you know, most of your life is programmed and you traded 10% of your income and most of your time for all the answers. So once you walk out of that room and you have to look at, you know, the world which you were taught was sinful and fallen and suddenly make a whole lot of decisions ethically and morally about it and even just lifestyle decisions

like how to drink how to sex how to have a good time so we thought there's probably conversations like that happening in bits and pieces on different podcasts but there's not one repository probably for that and we thought we

were just the idiots to do it yeah well there you go okay so let's let's dive a little deeper into that what kind of challenges in your experience do new atheists and especially we're talking about people who were you know not that didn't like just make the jump from strong agnostic to now i call myself an atheist but people who were like raised in an evangelical home or a Mormon home who are highly religious, what kind of challenges do they face, both on the serious level and just on the more mundane level?

You know, there's a lot of ways that that jump becomes tricky. So for, you know, on a very basic level, it's things like, you know, okay, well now I get to drink. I was Mormon my whole life or I was, you know okay well now i get to drink i was mormon my whole life and i or i was you know muslim my whole life and i never was allowed to drink alcohol while i was in that religion and now everybody seems to be doing it and i'm making new friends who are outside

of that that world but you walk up to a bartender and what the hell do you do you just i mean yeah it's intimidating the guy's just staring at you and you i don't i don't know maybe i heard of a martini is that a real drink i don't know yeah and there's there's other things like you know people bring the program programming is so deep when you've been in a long time that sometimes when you leave and you're like okay i get it it's not real a lot of people are still afraid of, like you said, hell or the devil. And that takes some work. You know, that takes some time to unwind.

And you have to unpack things. Here's what's really what's interesting to me is that one of the things that you have to do in this process is unpack things and ask yourself, wait, was this a function of societal programming in that, you know, these are good ideas or was this a function of my religious programming? And it's actually stupid for me to think this way. So like you may think, you know, you may be faced with, you grew up in a restrictive religion that doesn't, that says that sex is always bad unless it's in marriage and then it's beautiful and good. And suddenly you're looking, you're looking at the issue again and you just it's hard to unpack like how much well i mean i know i could get you know a disease that's bad but is so should i continue with this whole abstinence until marriage thing or what and so we you have to examine everything everything

and you have to kind of you have to examine everything. Everything. And you have to approach every moral quandary or ethical quandary that you thought you had the answer to because it was handed to you. You have to then look at all of those things. It's like Brexit. You used to belong to this huge thing where everything was taken care of and all the treaties were signed. And now you decided to go off on your own and you have to renegotiate with every country about everything now. I feel like comparing atheism to Brexit is not a winning strategy.

I don't want to give you notes on air. We should strike those remarks. Here's a great example. Yesterday or yesterday on the last show, we had an English and creative writing professor on to talk about how to read. Because once you leave religion, you are no longer reading a canon to arrive at a preconceived notion.

You're now engaging with literature in an entirely different way. And you're choosing the literature. Oh, wow. That's the kind of thing that a person in my position would never really consider. But that's really interesting to think about. You don't think about it because we think, well, of course you know how to read

because I know how letters form words and I know how to read. But no, I mean, it's actually quite fascinating when you realize that someone has been training themselves this whole time to avoid anything that's scary or that's not faith-affirming or blah, blah, blah. It becomes a very different animal. You know, I remember religious people saying to me, but does life have any meaning now? Now that you don't, you know, you're not going to go on after this life, you know, now that you believe't, you know, you're not going to go on after this life,

you know, now that you believe that there's no afterlife and Jesus isn't going to hug you into his arms and you don't get, you know, blow jobs from 72 virgins or whatever. Once you die, what's the fuck, what's the meaning to it?

And I, and it blows my mind every time because I'm like, this life means so much more now, like everything about it. I have to save her because I get one, this life means so much more now. Like everything about it, I have to savor because I get one shot at this thing. So like it's all about going out there and just, oh, I just need to sample everything. I feel greedy, but I'm just grabbing at life.

I just want more and more and more life because it's great. Absolutely. Yeah, you got to get blown by your 72 virgins now. That's a better deal when you think about it. Why wait? Now, obviously, this can be a very useful resource for new atheists, but obviously

there's a much larger audience of atheists out there than just the new ones. What does the show have to offer to the seasoned disbeliever? Nothing. Shit. We didn't think of that. God damn it. So here's a great moment

that happened the other day is we had a therapist on named Paige who's really terrific. And the topic was how to come out as a skeptic or atheist. And he had this, you know,

really important point to make which was have a goal and make a plan but basically to have a go what is what do you want from this coming out and of course you know now you've been to salt lake city no and we've talked all about how you know there's a lot of people that young people end up on the streets uh because they didn't make a plan because they didn't have the goal of uh they just think coming out is you make a declaration and then it's all over.

Or you're required to do it. And so if you think differently or if you're gay or if you're whatever, you're required to tell everybody about it. Otherwise, you're not being honest, true to yourself or whatever. And people think that you have to now be evangelical about it. So I got all this feedback on social media from people who I've

been out as an atheist for eight years. I've been out for 10 years. I've been out for 15 years and I never thought to have a goal at coming out. And it was such a fascinating, so fascinating to hear people who've gone through all the mental rigors that we have to be prepared to come out and to live life as an atheist or a skeptic. And they'd never thought about that very, very simple idea. Not only that, but we really do try to keep this entertaining for everybody. I mean, you know, Mark and I have both been atheists for, you know, years and we, you know, we're trying to entertain ourselves too. So I think that hope, I honestly genuinely believe that this is a show for everybody. It may be, you know, even if you already are a seasoned drinker, it's kind of fun to hear

like good drinkers talking about, you know, nuanced ways to think about drinking. You know, even if you are a lifelong reader, our conversation with Dr. K about reading or with Professor K, we're calling her Professor K, about reading was fascinating. Yeah. And I don't think anybody will lose anything from that conversation just because they're already readers. Well, yeah, I definitely would say the same after listening to the show myself and if i could offer an answer to my own question as well oh please do people seasoned atheists like myself as i said in the intro are constantly inundated with these kind of questions and these are problems that you may never have really thought about like the idea of reading critically

for the first time and knowing that the right answer isn't a foregone conclusion it's something that you have to find that's not something that really occurs to people in my position and so to have that sort of laid out in front of you it prepares you for when you face that question from let's say your nephew that just decided maybe he doesn't believe in mormon jesus anymore right absolutely but but to you know obviously our listeners can go check out the show there will be a link on the show notes so they can find out for themselves. But rather than make them go through a whole download in an effort to give our audience a taste of what you guys have to offer, I've chosen a couple of subjects here that are all in the larger category of shit that newly minted atheists might be both curious about and unfamiliar with. And I'm going to ask you guys for your top three pieces of advice for each.

familiar with and i'm going to ask you guys for your top three pieces of advice for each can we go into this with the caveat that neither mark nor i is an expert on anything and we're just uh we're just your your dopey uncles who have advice for you only because we've lived hard lives and made all of our mistakes uh already school of hard knocks credentials are a given yeah well and then obviously it's worth noting that of course you bring experts on to talk about these things on your show so it's not we're not just relying on your expertise but but just to give everyone a taste here let's let's start right there let's start with getting drunk we've talked about it a number of times now obviously i'm not talking about having a drink here or taking a sip of the blood of the savior i'm talking about

getting full-blown puke on the dog i don't tell you guys how much i love you enough drunk uh what does the new drinker need to know in that situation um we got we got great advice on this from these our friends at water which bar here in salt lake and they one piece of advice was do it if you're going to start drinking you know first of all always be with friends who have some experience, who've done this before. But at home or at somebody's home one night, just swing for the fences. Because what you don't want to do is what we all did in our 20s, which was shit hammered with a bunch of guys who have never done it before. And then we all jump off of the same roof at the same time and break all of our coccyxes. So what you want to do is have some friends.

Everybody knows what they're doing except you. They'll be fine. They'll embrace you. They know that you're new to this thing. And just try it. Just push yourself. See what happens. Know how it feels the next day.

Decide if that's something you want to have be a common occurrence in your life. Yeah, they'll show you the right products to help clean up the urine, wherever that went, and you'll be fine. But also, you'll also feel what that feels like. You probably won't want to do it too much. And that's the other thing that we talked about, was that you probably don't want to get shit hammered drunk all the time. It's much more, drinking is much more fun, at least in our view, just keeping that nice buzz going.

Yeah, and nothing's going to teach you how bad excessive drinking is better than excessive drinking. Yes, indeed. Yeah, no, that's a good one. That's a good one. All right, well, let's move on to something a little more important here. Ooh. I had a buddy in New York. He was from Utah.

He was a recently deconverted Mormon, and he took to hedonism pretty well. He was great at fucking and all that. But in the five years that we hung out, we could never get him to stop saying gosh when he was angry. So how about a little advice on using the Lord's name in vain or just cussing in general? This is a topic we are so excited to dive into in a how-to section because absolutely, swearing, you know, I'm not telling Noah Luzon's anything he doesn't know. Swearing deployed effectively is spectacular. It's a grand thing. I'll tell you what, Mormons especially were raised with this notion i remember so distinctly it being pounded in my head

that swear words were words that people used who didn't have the creativity to express themselves with non-swear words that's fucking bullshit it's yes absolutely i used a funcular and fuck in my intro people come on yeah exactly so i mean i think that i think that one of the things that bullshit. Yes, absolutely. I used a funcular and fuck in my intro, people. Come on. Yeah, exactly. I think that one of the things that you need to do as a former non-swearer is wrap your head around what swearing

is for. And the whole point of swearing is that it's not like, it's not to offend. It's not about, what it is about is a strength is using an appropriately strong word when you want it it's a force multiplier in language yeah it's one of those things where like yeah i could say i cannot overstate the enormity of these mountains that are set in front of me but that just sounds nowhere near as fun as look at that

huge fucking mountain fucking hell jesus christ that mountain and the the other thing is and you made a good point about about taking the lord's name in vain because that's a very special thing for a lot of people and that's one of those ones that i remember like training myself off of, even when I was saying shit and fuck as a kid, I definitely didn't say God or oh my God or Jesus Christ or anything like that. And I think one of the things we have to remember, and I actually remind my believing friends about this, is that that has,

with apologies to the believers, these have become colloquial terms. These are owned by the culture at large now. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. And so you can't see it as actually a direct reference to God or Jesus. You have to realize that these are cultural touch points. And so if I say Jesus Christ when I hit my hand with a hammer, it's that I'm not referencing a guy.

I'm just using an expression. And in the same way that when people leave hardcore religion, it's possible for them to go off the deep end with drinking or drugs, the same is true as swearing. So it's important to know how to use it properly. Swear well, people. Swear well.

I know exactly what you mean. There is something just amazing about that new person dipping their toe in the water of vulgarity that doesn't understand that there are rules about when you can infix fucking. You can't just put it in the middle of anywhere there's a place where it goes god damn it

fucking amen all right so okay let's do a serious one here because when you're religious you've got sort of like a pre-packaged system for charitable giving community service etc um now of course that's often faux charity that's really just thinly veiled marketing for the church itself but it's there it's simple it you feel good. And all you have to do is add your name to the bottom of a list on a bulletin board and show up on Saturday. But for atheists, again, like you said, we've got to go out and find this stuff ourselves. And it's often harder to get involved and give back to your community. So what advice might you offer up to somebody trying to learn how to be charitable and secular at the same time. That's a trickier one.

That's a, you know, and that's something that I've struggled with. There's two. So you've actually asked two questions in that because charity, charitable giving is one thing and community is another thing. I think that there is definitely something beautiful about finding atheist community. And there are lots of community organizations now that are popping up all over the world and in our country. You know, things like Oasis

and various Sunday services for atheists. And those are great. And I say go to those if you want to, if it appeals to you. In terms of charitable giving, there are lots of organizations that can help you research different charities. I wouldn't give to think, you know, it's one of those things. It's tough. It's a tough moment when you stop giving to the guy ringing the bell outside of the grocery store or whatever.

Because that feels right. It feels nice to give to that guy. It's Christmas. It's cold. Because that feels right. It feels nice to give to that guy. It's Christmas. It's cold.

He's cold. And you feel like, well, this $0.25 or this $0.50 is helping somebody. And it kind of does. But what you have to realize is that the Salvation Army is a religion. You're actually giving to somebody else's religion. You're not giving to a charity. You're giving to someone else's religion. And if they choose to use that for charity, that's on them. But they may not.

Yeah, they might just as well use it to oppose gay marriage, for example. Exactly. Or to impose a religious sanction on somebody that wants their services. Oh, you have to attend this service first before we'll give you a hot meal, which is just is is cruel, in my opinion, but there are plenty of secular charities, but there are also just plenty of, you know, God neutral charities. There are, you know, charities for, uh, helping animals in your, in your locality or, you know, the world wildlife fund and, you know, they just don't have a position on religion. Right. So like anything else, once you're out of religion and in the skeptical slash atheist world, it is now incumbent on you to do research. It's now incumbent on you to learn.

Oh, God damn it. There's work. Well, and now we have the Google, which is not just for pornography. Well, speak for yourself. I mean, it's mostly for that. Yeah, absolutely. By the way, if an old record player is called a phonograph, how come laptops aren't called a pornograph? Hell yeah, let's get on that shit.

The pornograph. We're solving problems. We're solving problems here. That's right. That's right. All right, so I've got one last, but certainly not least, how-to for you. It's the how-to on everybody's mind. Let's talk butt stuff. for you it's the how-to on everybody's mind let's talk butt stuff and also also mouth stuff because look in atheism we don't have salvation spiritual guidance or eternal bliss but we do have all the various fucking and i feel like that's our strongest selling point so what what advice

would you give to the new atheist who wants to get into all the groovy perversions that christianity forbade them from well first of all, I would say that gonorrhea is real. And we don't leave that behind, so there are precautions to take. So as the resident gay 50% of our show, I can certainly talk about some of my more spectacular stuff in the turkey moments. But we're actually going to bring on a sex professional, a doctor who, among other things, is an abortion provider. And she's going to talk about issues of consent, sexuality,

the butt stuff, the mouth stuff, the front butt stuff. What's it called on a lady? It's called a hoo-hoo. A hoo-hoo. It's the technical yeah in the latin so uh you know i think the first thing is especially for people who've been in a religious situation for years is let's talk about what consent means and let's talk about how you know you can just take the whole bible and throw it in the trash can including the part about women being property and subservient right and so i think we

start by unwinding you know by unringing that bell and then we move on and then we're going to move on to the more technical plumbing issues and then you know it's funny because it's not because yeah people like to get hung up on the the mechanics, you know, how much lube do I use or, you know, what holes can I not put things into? People do like to get hung up on those mechanics. They do. Yeah. But that's but is that really what happen is that you've got to fucking free your mind from intense indoctrination about how

fucking evil all this shit is. Right. So the first step isn't to just start sticking your dick into things or start allowing dicks to be stuck into your things. The first step is dive into your thinking

about this stuff because your thinking is what's going to really hinder you and you know you may be in a situation ready to go or think you're ready to go and suddenly all of that programming starts kicking in and and you freak out so you know give yourself space to think give yourself space to like explore the ideas and like oh yeah like maybe fucking isn't bad and why did i think that and whose idea of of bad is this and start yeah it's you got to release all of the guilt and all of the negativity that you already have hardwired into you yeah that programming is so so intense and it starts when you're so young so to to you know speaking as a gay person who came out of religion one of the first things you've got to do is stop hating yourself yep and then you've got to figure

out why that programming programming was there and how you're going to leave it behind and of course part of that process is just fucking so like yeah you will want to get out there and how you're going to leave it behind. And of course, part of that process is just fucking. So like, yeah, you will want to get out there and fuck. And yeah, that's when... Well, it's like the drinking thing. You just get a bunch of friends over that fuck a lot, have a giant all holes orgy and find out how you feel the next day. No, I get it.

You can do that. You can totally do that. It's funny because once the whole world opens up, the whole world kind of opens up. You can, you know, if you suddenly realize, well, shit, I kind of do want to do the whole whippy, chainy, tie-yuppie thing. Try it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Believe me, there are resources on the web that you can find the shit you want. On the pornograph, absolutely. Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this went a little longer than I intended. Obviously, I could talk to you guys You can find the shit you won't. On the pornograph, absolutely. Yeah.

All right, well, I'll tell you what. This went a little longer than I intended. Obviously, I could talk to you guys about any of these subjects for a full hour. Hell, you should do a whole show about that. Hey, good idea. I want to say, I'm not an expert in mush, but when you're looking for somebody to come on and talk about cussing, well, I'm your man. I want to make myself available to you. Well, I kind of was going to offer that, but I didn't want to be too presumptuous. Well, there you go.

There you go. Too fucking presumptuous. Yeah, exactly. I saved you the trouble. I want to say, honestly, this is a really good resource. It's funny. It's relevant. And like you guys said, you would be surprised what you learn regardless of how godless you are.

If you want to check it out, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode, along with a link to hear more from them and Frank on Thank God I'm Atheist. Mark, Dan, thanks for putting this show together, and thanks for hanging out with me tonight. Hey, thanks for having us, Noah. It's been great. Thanks so much, Noah. Ah, Jesus. The car chase of holy books. When he shows up in a holy book, you get to sit back, relax, and follow the story you've known since childhood. Unless, of course, you're reading the Book of Mormon, in which case Jesus is as true to the source material as the Super Mario Brothers movie. So for those of you who need help figuring out what species Dennis Hopper is supposed to be, and what the hell Jesus is talking about, we are pleased to once again present Mormon Peace Theater. to once again present Mormon Peace Theater.

Everyone, it is I, Nephi. The signs are fulfilled and Jesus is on the way. Do you all believe me now? No. Blow it out your ass. God, I told everyone that Jesus is coming,

but nobody believes me. Oh, right, My kid. Shit. Uh, give me one second. All right, how's that? Um, dark? Yeah, yeah. That'll show him. Okay, so you guys can see that the sun literally went out. There's no more sun.

Do you believe me now? Flashlight, bro. Fuck you. Whoa. Damn it. Hey, Lamanites. The Gadiantans are taking over all our cities and shit. You want to team up?

Sure. Good job, Lamanites. Oh, wow, my skin turned white. It's amazing. You're welcome. Yeah, I didn't have a problem with my dark skin, though. Oh. Oh, you, uh, you didn't? Nope. Did you have a problem with my dark skin? No, no, no I just thought maybe, uh You would, uh Wanna be white?

Um Why? Why would I wanna be white? Easier to catch a cab? To Laconis, the governor of the Nephites It's me, Gadi Anhi, leader of the Gadiantans, just writing to say, you guys are the good guys and we're the bad guys. Which seems oddly self-aware.

Anyway, we're gonna kill you. Love, Gadianhai. P.S. We heard some of you guys turned white recently. Was that supposed to be, like, a reward? And so Laconius asked his people to come to Zarahemla so that they could be safe from Gadionhai's wrath. Hey, Gid-Gadonai. Yes, Laconius.

So, you're the general of my army and a prophet, right? Smooth intro, man. Thank you, thank you. So, me and the other Nepphites were wondering if we could uh you know go fight back instead of just sitting here in the city oh no can do no can do boss man says we all got to stay right here oh okay i mean could could you go ask him again? You want me to ask God if he changed his mind? Okay, no, I guess not. I guess it's stupid.

Stupid idea. Charge! Sorry, Gadiotai? Yeah, what's up? Nobody is here. What? Yeah, just checked. Everybody's gone.

Really? Everybody? Yeah. Oh, okay. what yeah just checked everybody's gone really everybody yeah yeah oh okay well uh do you and the other lamanites want to move in until this area gets cool and then a bunch of hipsters will raise our rents so we can't afford to live here anymore and that's how gentrification was born eli eli, Eli, get out of the announcer's booth. That's not how gentrification was born. Fine, fine. Were you eating candy in here? I was hungry! And so the Gadiantans and the Nephites did wage a great war,

and the bad guys lost and the good guys won, and everyone became Christian again. Oh my God, the mic is sticky now. The microphone is sticky now. That's not from candy! Hey, how y'all doing? It's me, Mormon. I'm the narrator in the book of Nephi now, just in case y'all were wondering, even though I should very much not be. Ta-ta! I say, fellow Nephite, we've been Christian and not Christian and Christian again quite a bit lately. Indeed we have.

What say we stiffen our necks and act like dicks again, huh? Okay, sounds great. I'm going to kill people for saying Jesus' name. Who's that now? Oh, he's a 13-year-old on the other side of the world. Okay, all right, yeah. No, good, good. Cool.

Hi, Nephi, right? We've met. I thought that was your dad. Oh, I'm actually unsure. Anyway, I'm Brett. I help out around the palace. Just wanted to give you a heads up. Something banal and also the Gadiantans run the world

through a secret cabal of antichrists? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, if we're just going to interrupt people's reoccurring bits, then yes, that's what I was going to say. I'm sorry, I mean, it's just... No, it's fine. You think Carol's birthday is banal. Good luck being Judge King or whatever. Hey, everyone listen to me.

Such a dick. Boo! I was dead, but now I'm alive. I'm healed! Okay, so now, do you believe me? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Of course. I would have led with the raising of the dead. Okay, well, I mean, maybe

say something. Give me a note. You say something. And then, halfway around the world, Jesus died. And the world was all a-flutter. Earthquakes quaking and floods flooding. Lordy, it was a mess. Mormon, what are you doing in here? I'm the narrator.

But I thought I was the narrator. You are of the book, but not of this bit on the show. Okay, I am confused. Were you eating candy in here? No. And so it was that when Jesus died, all the Nephite cities did sink into the sea. Um, hey, Joe, does that mean if we ever explore the ocean, we'll be able to find the ancient Nephite cities? Um, how good are we at that kind of exploration now?

Not very good. Yeah, then sure, sure. And it became so dark that one could not light a candle. What do you mean you can't? It's too dark. It's too dark to what? That's not how fire works. Well, how does fire work?

Dude, I don't know, man. Just not based on how dark it is. That's not how it works. And then out of the darkness came a voice, but not just any voice. Gay Jesus. No, Eli, we are not doing gay Jesus. Why not?

I'll do him all sassy. I'll be like, sassy gay Jesus. Okay, well, who's the butt of the joke there? Homophobes. They don't want Jesus to be gay, so we make Jesus gay. Okay, but aren't we laughing at gayness then no no he's silly he's not silly because he's gay gay guys can be silly i feel like the truth of a stereotype doesn't make it less harmful i mean it's not a weird stereotype

it's a commentary on the respect and devotion to jesus okay but we don't make god gay to make fun of him so why would we no but that's that's like a common understanding thing we got to do the boomy voice or something do the boomy voice exactly what if he's gay but he doesn't like like sound stereotypically gay he's just like he's gay as character motivation yes what does that even mean like it's a secret guys no but I'm just worried that if we do sassy gay Jesus people are going to think that the

butt of the joke is gay people and not reverence for the character of Jesus we could do a meta bit and get out ahead of it no no that's gross yeah I agree. Okay, I'm sorry.

Do we like have a magical fourth wall that I don't know about? I just ate candy in the booth as two different characters. Okay, no, that's fair. I guess we do do meta all the time. Well, we do now, thanks to... Is that me? Am I... Because I'm here.

I can hear you when you speak. Guys, guys, guys. Sassy gay Jesus stays, but we really bring the meta commentary front and center so people understand what we're making fun of. Totally. I agree. Yeah. Okay.

Super meta. I like it. Hi, April. You're my favorite listener. Hi, April. See? Like that. But not just any voice.

It is I, Jesus. Y'all need to ship up and shape up, y'all. I am so super serious. Anyways, just letting you know that everyone I killed was like super gross and fat and ick who needs them. Am I right? Any who's will be. I am the Alpha and the Omega. What are those?

Right Greek doesn't exist yet. So listen up. You all following me is like a chick under its mother's wing, and a wing over a chick is a way to protect them because you're all chicks, and I'm like a big old mother bird. You know what? And you're all just going to sit there under my wing. At first, I was kind of bummed that Jesus killed all those people,

but listening to him just say what a chick and a wing we are. Like a little thot wing. RuPaul to all the contestants. Me too. I was just going to say that. And just flapping around. And that's why you're all like a chick under my wing. Hey, Steve.

How was your trip? Oh, it was great, man. Did I miss anything? Yeah, actually. Jesus talked to the entire world. Did he now? Yeah, you missed it. Aw, sounds like it was fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Nazarene. If you know what I mean, the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost. He's Jesus Christ! Thank you, Thank you. Thank you. So, who wants to put a finger in my holes? I do. I do. I do.

Okay. Tall one first. Chubby one, no. Yay. Aw. And thus, the grand tradition of people who wouldn't let me put fingers in their holes was born. Eli, get out of the voiceover booth. I'm not in the voiceover booth.

Okay, so let's get some of these men wet. I want them soaking wet, just water all over their bodies. Do you mean that you want to baptize people? I was going to call it a foam party, but whatever. Baptize is fine. Okay, so sermon on the mount, blah, blah, blah, be nice, Matthew chapter 6, oh, and no working for any of my prophets.

They just sit there all day with me and they snuggle. Are you sure you aren't setting up a ruling class in a golden city someday? Snuggle! Uh, hey, Jesus? Ugh, it's you. What do you want, Pocahontas? Well, it's just that you've been saying a lot

of stuff that might appear elsewhere already if you know what I mean. So I was wondering... Right, sure. Originals. Got it. Nobody likes the classics. Okay, also everyone all of a sudden I'm a way worse speakerer. But yeah, I did

all my prophecies and don't let the Jews or Catholics bullshit you. They're a bunch of assholes. I'm Jesus. Great. You know what's great? A haircut. Hey, Jesus.

Oh, good. The tall one's back. What's up? So we were just wondering about, you know, the rest of the world. Oh, right. Totally going to do a world tour. Going to hit up Cabo and Brazil, Fire Island, the Castro.

Yeah, I mean, those all sound kind of... And some other places too. Maybe I'll even bury some plates. I don't know. Let's go get boozy brunch. It's 4 p.m. It's Tuesday. Exactly. Boo's Tuesday. 4 p.m. on a Tuesday. Busy brunch. Okay, so when you're getting ready for butt stuff,

it's very important. And no tongue can speak. If you don't have access to a shower. Neither can there be written by any man. Neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak. But honestly, showers are your friend people now who wants to do the communion thing okay everyone i'm leaving encore okay okay one more minister

to the children play my heart will go on now now ministering to the children, and then I'll play my heart. We'll go on. Yay! All right, we'll go on. And Jesus did return to the Nephites. Hi. And not for nothing, but he was super duper white. Like, just the whitest. The whitest white you've ever seen whited. Boy, was he white.

Great. Good thing I'm in the desert. I'm going to look like Donald Trump tomorrow. Um, who? He's the Antichrist. Don, was he white. Great. Good thing I'm in the desert. I'm gonna look like Donald Trump tomorrow. Um, who? He's the Antichrist. Don't worry about it. Okay, everyone. Who's hungry? Oh, me! Me! I'm hungry. Right. The tall one.

I figured. Gotta keep you in wine and bread, don't we? Yes, we do. Can I have some wine and bread? No. You need to cut out carbs entirely. And alcohol is empty calories. Alright? I still get to have some wine and bread? No. You need to cut out carbs entirely. And alcohol is empty calories. All right? Aw. I still get to have some.

Okay, everyone, gather around just to be super clear. This place, I'm going to call it America, is yours now. I gave it to you. Just go ahead and kill everyone who says otherwise. Okay. How will we know when it's time for us to reclaim the land? Sacagawea, great question, thank you. Well, someone will write a book of Mormon

or something, and that guy, that guy's just going to be the fucking best. Let me tell you, bee's knees. So wait, Joe, Jesus said you were going to be the bee's knees? Yeah. Are you saying I'm be the bee's knees? Yeah. Are you saying I'm not the bee's knees?

No, you're... The bee's knees? You're the bee's knees. There you go. And Christ did spread much wisdom to the Nephites, telling them all the things that ever were or ever will be. So she drops out of college but doesn't tell her mom.

What? Right? Anyway, back at the restaurant, mom and dad are trying to make it work, and Melissa McCarthy is just amazing in this season, by the way. But, like, she's trying to find herself an author at this point. And this is where her character quickly really big turns from, like,

sassy little girl over to womanhood. It's actually really important. Mostly Gilmore Girls. At this point, she's sort of worried, is he her dad or has he ever really had a father figure?

It's really hard. Her grandfather has just died at this season. This is part of everything, I guess. He'll get to the other stuff. I'm sure he will. Yeah, he's going to get to stuff. But Rory and Logan said they were no strings attached, right? Hey, Jesus?

Oh, good. He's back. What happened? Did you confuse me for a fruit roll-up? Mean? No, I was wondering if we should write all the wise stuff you're saying down. No. If I want people to hear it, I'll tell them myself. Are you sure?

Because it's probably like the most wise stuff anybody has ever said. Yeah, I know. I know it is. I'm Jesus. Remember the other day when all those babies started talking? Yeah, totally. I saw that. And the stuff they said.

Super wise. I know, but don't write any of it down. Really? Because it seems like a pity not to write any. Yeah, well, so is the neckline of your beard. Ah. Okay. Okay, everyone gather around, I'm Jesus. I am out of stuff to say.

I'm gonna grant you all one wish. Whatever you want, just name it. Seriously, say the word. Um, what do we call our church? What? Oh, fuck you, Alan. Wow. Okay, any wish, that's what you wanted.

Um, call yourselves Christians. Great, question answered, wish granted. Dude, seriously? I panicked, I panicked. We wipe with our hands, Alan, our hands. Disciples, gather round. Last thing, take a knee. Especially you.

Okay, inappropriate. What are you going to do? Cancel season six of Jesus? Whoa, too soon. Technically too early. Look, you guys are my faves. Alan kind of blew the question thing. So I'm going to grant you guys, my apostles, anything you want.

What about it, you guys? What do you want? I'd like to live a long time and go to heaven when I die. Oh, me too. That's a good one. Me too. Me too. Great.

You're all going to live to be super long. What's a super old age? 72. You'll all live to be 72. 72? Is that a long time? Shush. And you'll go to heaven when you die.

Um, see, me, Steve, and Tim were thinking that maybe, uh, instead we could, like... Ah, I know what you're thinking. Live forever? No worries. You guys are going to live forever. You three. You'll live forever. Well, uh, actually, it was about dick stuff.

But you know what? Forever's fine. Live forever. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, man. Forever is way longer than 72 years. I'm sorry. Can I change mine?

No. No backseats. Oh, man. All right. Get out there and tell people to believe in me. Hey, everyone. Mormon here again. I bet y'all are wondering how I know when the world's gonna end.

Well, it's in this very book, so remember to be Mormon, or the Mormon just might have to kill you. Not really. Ooh, Skittles! And with that vague threat and my narration booth all sticky, we'll leave things there, but we'll be back in a month with even more Mormon Peace Theater. Before we pass out on the couch in hedonistic glory tonight, I want to thank everybody for bearing with us these last couple of weeks while we've been out of the country. I know there's a lot in the news that we haven't talked about, but I don't know what it is because I'm recording this outro three weeks in advance.

But next week, we're going to be back to topical shit and ready to make a coordinated frontal assault in the war on Christmas, don't you worry. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode

of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And of all the days of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And of all the days of the year, this is the one where I could least get away with failing to thank the wacky band of characters that make this show happen every week. So in all sincerity and with all the jokes aside, thanks to Morgan for working hard in the shadows. Thanks to Andrew for working hard behind the curtain. Thanks to Lucinda for being my best friend and my muse. And thanks to Eli and Heath for elevating this thing more and more every week.

Also want to thank Dan and Mark one more time for hanging out with me tonight. Again, check the show notes for a handy-dandy link to their new show and their old one. And, of course, a big thanks to Santa for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, I know he's been busy. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, whose names I don't know for the second week in a row because of all the Australia travel and the turkey eating. But I promise I'll thank them by name next week because they so fucking deserve it, what with those spectacular genitals and intellects and whatnot. And if you'd like to hear your name alongside such

shining exemplars of humanism, you can give us money. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help put all your money's tied up in the cultural obligation to support retail change this time of year, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else they let you do shit like that. Legal services for

this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAathiest.com If you could put some jingles, you know, maybe some jingles.

Jingles, maybe a trumpet and B-flat. Sorry. You were doing Great Eli, but I wasn't on the file yet. Oh, sorry. This is the ad. Hold on.

You did it weird that time. Start again. All right. This is our job. Do it in B flat. That's not B flat. What do you know, Trumpet? You're an F.

All brass is an F. Who cares? No, it's not. It's absolutely not. It's in B flat. All brass is an F. Morgan got that joke way before we said it, right? Way before we said it, he's like, no, it would be a B. No, a lot of brass is in B flat.

It's all in F. They tell you it's in B flat. Try to make it better for you. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.