The Scathing Atheist - 250: Sestercentennial Edition

Episode Date: November 30, 2017

In this week’s episode, we’ll celebrate two hundred and fifty episodes when we technically won’t have that many until we get done celebrating, Heath will get to say “bread-ophile”, and all of us will finally get to talk about all the latest revelations about Roy Moore. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To learn more about Dogma Debate’s 24 broadcastathon, click here: https://www.facebook.com/events/346447599152121/ To check out the “We Agnostics” podcast, click here: http://www.weagnosticspodcast.podbean.com/ Headlines: We haven’t gotten to talk about Roy Moore yet. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/21/christian-activist-roy-moore-dated-girls-because-all-the-older-women-were-taken/ and http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/22/donald-trump-defends-roy-moore-he-totally-denies-it/ and http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/20/pastor-supporting-roy-moore-his-accusers-must-be-getting-paid-a-healthy-sum/ NZ megachurch to lose tax exempt status, because Eli and Heath set foot in country: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/22/new-zealand-megachurch-will-lose-tax-exempt-status-for-failing-to-file-returns/ Starbucks cups now accused of promoting lesbianism: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/18/bigots-say-starbucks-is-promoting-lesbianism-somehow-on-its-holiday-cups/ http://www.newsweek.com/starbucks-lesbian-holiday-cups-conservatives-719063 Indian politician: Cancer is divine punishment for sins: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/24/indian-politician-says-cancer-is-divine-justice-caused-by-sins/ Scotus won’t hear case against school board prayers: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/27/supreme-court-wont-hear-atheists-case-against-school-board-prayers-in-tx/ Man to launch himself in homemade rocket to prove earth is flat: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/22/man-will-launch-himself-in-500-mph-homemade-rocket-to-prove-earth-is-flat/ Follow up: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/25/man-delays-plan-to-launch-himself-in-homemade-rocket-to-prove-earth-is-flat/ Malaysian deputy minister: Atheism is unconstitutional: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/23/malaysian-deputy-minister-says-atheism-is-unconstitutional/ Vatican Astronomer: TV scientists pretend to be atheist for credibility: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/23/vatican-astronomer-tv-scientists-only-pretend-to-be-atheists-for-credibility-2/ Amazing statue is amazing: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/11/22/catholic-school-forced-to-cover-up-accidentally-inappropriate-statue-of-saint/

Warning, Lucinda's not here, so I might not be my normal level-tempered self. Might even use some explicit language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by everyone's favorite Lord of the Rings-themed band, Middle Earth, Wind, and Fire. Brought it in. Nailed it. Thanks to me for writing that joke. That is hilarious.

Eli tried to trick me. And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Justin of the We Agnostics Podcast, reminding you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey women and men. It's Thursday. It's November 30th.

And happy five-year anniversary, motherfuckers. Episode 250. Woo! Ow! That's not five-year anniversary, motherfuckers. Episode 250. Woo! Ow! That's not five years, but I am no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick, and I can't count. I'm Ethan Wright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania,

this, Scathing Atheist 250, on this week's episode, 250, bitch! 250. On this week's episode, 250 Bitch! Sonny and Shire are super bitter about getting snubbed during today's sponsor. And we'll

finally get to bitch about Roy Moore. But first, the diatribe. I recall reading a book about juggling years ago, where the author said the most important thing a performer has to learn is how to present their act in a way that doesn't say to the audience, look what I can do that you can't. And while I'll admit I never mastered this art, I did appreciate the author for opening a book on performance with a lesson on humility. And it's a lesson that I've tried to take into podcasting as well. When one sets out to say the world needs more of my voice in it, one does well to temper that with

a steady dose of humility. So I make it a general rule never to make the show about me. We're all here because we share a common interest and that interest is not in me. No one ever went through iTunes thinking, hey, where can I find a podcast about itself? So I make an effort, though admittedly sometimes a failed one, not to waste anybody's time with like inner reflections and shit that only matters if you've taken an unhealthy interest in my personal life. In other words, i try to keep my gaze clear of my navel but when you look at the top of the page and you see episode 250 diatribe staring back at you it's hard not to get all introspective and meta so sorry i'm gonna fail spectacularly i i get

that 250 is not a particularly significant number you know i understand that on an intellectual level it's just the next number but holy shit we've been doing this for 250 episodes we've been around forever now you look when i first started podcasting there were only a handful of weekly shows i listened to that had more than 250 episodes. I guess Skeptic's Guide to the Universe started podcasting the day RSS feeds were invented. So they were already like 400 in. But other than them, even the real Methuselahs of podcasting were only a bit over 200.

Nearly all of the people I reached out to and tried to emulate when we started this show had less experience then than I have now. So in addition to all the groovy divisibilities that make 250 a more important number than 257, I have a real, like, you know, like a fifth graders used to seem so big feeling going on as well. And so I've spent way more time than usual this week, reflecting back on the very early days of this, when Heath and I were still debating what we wanted to do a show about and eli was just some dude at work that said funny shit about jesus now and then those those very first weeks when i was fucking around with a midi player for the first time in a desperate effort to conjure theme music and wondering

whether or not we should say fuck on the show so before we locked any ideas down we sat around heath lucinda and i and we discussed what we hope to do with this show now we had like we had a good set of goals and it's a set of goals that we've stuck to ever since they're solid goals they're goals i'm proud of they're things like creating community helping people laugh at their former beliefs organizing like-minded voices offering isolated atheists a dose of friendship and camaraderie and making church state separation news funny enough to keep abreast of. That's what we set out to do in the beginning. That's what we continue to strive for today. But those are pretty tough goals to measure. So you can't quantify most of that stuff.

So I had a different set of goals that had numbers on it, right? Like the, we've got to get at least this many people listening for this to be worth doing kind of goals. And it's not fair to imply that I had just like the one list, right? I mean, I did have the one official, these are the ones I'm saying out loud set of goals that I gave to my wife and my friends when they asked why I thought the world needed yet another atheist podcast. After all, there were already seven. And this was my no Icarus to see here list right it had like the most modest possible goals for downloads and impact and shit like that but in my head there were a couple of other lists

right in addition to the official one I also had the but if we work really hard maybe list of goals and above those I had the but if we work really hard and we get really lucky maybe list of goals. And above those, I had the, but if we work really hard and we get really lucky, maybe list of goals. And above even those, I had the, but I guess I could at least still get away with daydreaming about list of goals. And above even those, I have all the stuff that actually happened. Because what we've managed in the last five years dwarfs any goals that I could have realistically put on this podcast, and it manages to dwarf many of the unrealistic ones that I put on it as well. Because look, on my work hard, get really lucky list, I did have get paid to speak at an atheist convention, but I didn't have get flown out to Australia to headline at the world's

longest running skeptical conference. You know, I had make a few bucks off this thing, but I didn't have make a comfortable living for four people, hire on great people from within the community and raise tens of thousands of dollars a year for charity. I had do more than the 30 minute biweekly podcast I can manage now, but I didn't have do three and a half podcasts a week and guest on dozens more. You know, none of my lists have have the most awesome job in the world in a couple of years on them. And that's what we got. Because to be honest, even now that I have it, I have trouble comprehending how awesome my job is. And I get how fortunate that I am to have it. I appreciate that every day. It's not hard to do. And every time I'm overwhelmed by how lucky I am, I remind myself that I have you to thank for it.

You hired me for this job. You hired me at a time when I had nothing to offer you but my voice and the occasional funny line about Jesus's stigmata holes. You hired me to do a job that didn't even exist when I showed up with my application. my application. And every time I sit down to a blank screen that says episode X diatribe at the top of it, I try to remember that I'm reapplying for the best job that I've ever had. And it's not fair to call it a job because it is both way less and way more than a job. It's less in a sense that I never think, oh, it's time to go to work. I never think of the stuff I do for the job as labor, but it's more because there's no fucking way I would stay this passionate about a job. We've been going for a month shy of

five years. I've never called in sick on you. Believe me, I've been sick in the last five years, but it's never stopped the show from coming out on time. Now there's any vacation or family crisis or personal issue or technical glitch. I'm proud that we've made it through 250 episodes without missing a week, but I'm damn certain we're going to manage to do it again over the next 250 weeks because no matter how I feel when I wake up or how bright it is outside by the time I get to sleep, I am perpetually flattered by your confidence that I'm up to the job you hired me for and I'm always eager to prove you're right.

So thanks for listening, boss. Much appreciated. They're talking prove you're right. So, thanks for listening, boss. Much appreciated. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two gentlemen learning that jet lag can be way worse coming back than going out. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to tell the nine-eyed lizard in your mouths to stop screaming the name of my high school girlfriend so that we can record already okay well if you never sleep like a human you never lag checkmate check tag all those meetings we have at 4 a.m are totally worth it

now it's a brunch meeting not a brunch not that's reasonable brunch so while we all take a quick nap to make it through the headlines we're going to pause for our quick word from this week's sponsor stamps.com industrial drum of lube how am i going to ship that hey santa what's up oh hello jingles i'm just so worried we won't be able to deliver all the toys and presents we need this year really yeah what with dancers broken hoof and everything being so busy, we'll never get all the good little boys and girls the presents they need. Well, why not just use Stamps.com? Stamps.com? Isn't that just for huge businesses that, like, mail stuff all the time?

No, not at all. Stamps.com is just like having the post office at your desk. Buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. Then, the mailman picks it up. You mean, I can even schedule a mail pickup on Stamps.com?

You sure can. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail every time, whether you're shipping a Tory train or a... That's a Butt Blaster 9000. Right. Butt Blaster, yeah. Yeah, or one of those.

And you use Stamps.com? Well, this year I'm using Stamps.com for all my holiday shipping. It makes everything so convenient. Okay, Jingles, how do we give it a try? Well, right now, you too can enjoy the stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in scathing that's stamps.com enter scathing oh j, Jingles, Christmas is saved.

But whose list is that? Uh, Eli Bosnick? Oh, that guy. Again. Naughty. You know, with this being our 250th episode, I feel like we should do something we haven't done for a while. Um, about the headlines. Hey, good call. In our lead story tonight,

tyrannical theocrat and real-life cross between Yosemite Sam Falkhorn Leghorn and Pepe Le Pew, Roy Moore, waited until all three of us were out of the goddamn country with two headlineless weeks coming up before getting belted with accusations of sexual misconduct and assault against underage girls. And if I didn't think that was intentional, I wouldn't have the requisite overestimation of my own importance to say what the world needs is a fourth podcast with me on it. Okay, I just want to say that this story is the saying something sexy to your significant other as they leave for work of news stories. to your significant other as they leave for work of news stories. I will get you

those TPS reports, Karen, just as soon as I go jerk off in the bathroom for the fourth time today because of what my wife said before I left the house this morning. Wait, so this is us coming home and doing weird pirate stuff with our spouse?

This is it right now? With our spouse and her Asian friend who's hot? Yar. So obviously this doesn't meet the new requirement for news at this point, but I'll be damned if I'm letting this predatory Afibophile escape on a fucking technicality.

So to summarize, at the point of this record, Mora's now been accused by nine separate women of acts ranging from pestering teenage girls to go out with him when he was in his 30s. Okay. Judgmental. I feel like that was aimed at me. Time is a construct.

Unless you were calling girls up at their high school classes to see why they said no, it wasn't. He's also accused of sexually assaulting teenage girls after offering them a ride home, being kicked out of at least one shopping mall for repeatedly coming on at underage girls, and groping full-grown women. I'm not worried, though. I mean, Nate Silver has him as a long shot for the White House in 2024. It should be fine.

This is a man who ran on the slogan, I stand with Roy Moore. So, I mean, I guess it's good we know the answer to where is outside of the pink at the mall, right? Like, now we know where to stand. To be honest, if this was happening a year and a couple of weeks ago, I might have naively celebrated this scandal as the guarantor that the Democrats would pick up a seat in the Senate.

I might have thought, well, that man that's literally been removed from elected office twice for ethics violations got close, but it looks like the multiple credible accounts of being a child molester should do him in but we live in trump's america so now i'm resigning myself to the fact that roy moore is going to be a goddamn senator oh oh yes let's be very clear alabama is absolutely still going to vote in this pedophile we will write jokes about it and i will continue to run head first in the walls trying to find my way back into that ultimate dimension we found a few weeks

ago yeah yeah and if you guys could stop doing that in my room you're fucking up the stucco no not gonna stop also no also gonna keep doing that now to be fair basically every mainstream republican has come out against more at this point conceding that even a Democrat is better than a child sex abuser. Now, at this point, in fact, the only people left supporting him are the far right wackaloons that are too divorced from the political process to shape policy, like the president, for example. Or the big fat liars at Project Veritas. Yes. The Project Truth liars who tried to trick the Washington Post

with a fake story about Roy Moore. I guess they didn't realize the Post might have some you know investigative journalists on their staff. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah if your undercover op is going to get blown up by Google maybe reconsider your business platform.

Also maybe a new name for your group. Operation Bovum Stereo Quere isn't taken. Also, let me close on how fucked up it is to say that the guy who was removed from elected office for refusing to recognize the Supreme Court's authority on gay marriage had to get accused of sexually abusing children

before the country started saying, you know, I don't know if this guy's a good fit for the Senate. I mean, you know, I'm glad know if this guy's a good fit for the Senate. I mean, you know, I'm glad we got here eventually, but I feel like we got here late. Was that Latin for bullshit, by the way? Yeah, it was. Nice. And in Imagine Nye religion news tonight.

I'm not saying inviting us to your country is lucky. I'm just saying, Noah set foot in Australia, gay marriage gets approved, me and Heath took a trip to New Zealand, and a megachurch loses its tax-exempt status. Coincidence? I think not. But those hobbits beat the shit out of us.

It was totally worth it, though, but we got beat up by hobbits. I will be the first to admit, how old is your daughter in human years was a bad open. Yeah, I thought it was going to go a little bit better. Depends on your senatorial ambitions, but generally, yes, it is. So the CRB in New Zealand, which I believe stands for Koalas, Rabbits, and Bidgeridus.

Bidgeridus is what you said? Bidgeridus, yes, Bidgeridus. Okay. Will revoke Destiny Church's tax-exempt status this year because of its persistent failure in filing annual tax returns. Now look, some of the best and brightest among us go years without filing tax returns. They're nothing wrong missing a few years on your taxes. In fact, I hear it's the smarter, better way to be.

But in the case of destiny church it might be for far less wholesome reasons so if you if you think you're not going to get audited by because of that you're deluding yourself so yeah so the church is obviously pushing for a reversal of this decision but i love this little detail they're also asking for an apology they want the government to give them back their tax exempt status like they mean it and apologize for making them follow the law like they were in America. Well, that's not the only way they've been acting American. See, Destiny Church has a history of playing fast and loose with money, like the time their pastor bought himself a $78,000 car with church money, or his wife a giant diamond ring,

or the time they spread cash all over the church floor during a service to demonstrate that churches don't use money well. I'm not sure what the point was there. That's what they demonstrated. So yeah, I guess what I'm saying is when you reach let's dump the money all over the floor levels of careless your taxes probably need work too yeah it's probably safe to say takeaway and in two girls one coffee cup news starbucks kicked off this year's war on christmas

the new strategy involving lesbian holiday cups. And we could not be happier. Quick background, in case anyone's not familiar. The War on Christmas is a phrase that was used by Henry Ford in a pamphlet he wrote called The International Jew, The World's

Foremost Problem. Really? That's a fun origin story for that phrase. That is fun. The for that that is fun and these days the phrase represents the persecution of christians by muslim and jewish people you know the well-known historical allies christmas brings people together yeah and uh they're teaming up and making it impossible to live as a follower of jesus christ here the United States. That's what the Muslims and Jews are doing. Despite what 250 straight weeks in a row of our show might have told you,

it's really... 255 weeks. Show us bi-weekly for the first five episodes. For boys and girls. Bi-weekly. So, getting back to the coffee cups, in past years, we've seen Starbucks persecute Christians in several different ways.

This includes the blank red Christ killer Zionist cups of 2015. And, of course, the cups from last year that depicted unity among people of diverse backgrounds. Naturally, that second one caused Donald Trump to call for a boycott. Well, this year, Starbucks ramped it up even further with some hardcore ladyfucking on the cups. Honestly, I know this is just going to be more Christian crazy, but if it

were possible to get me to buy more Starbucks, which it is not, it would be by putting lesbian porn on the cups. Is that right? So, yeah, the lady fucking, not exactly as overt as I'm making it sound, but we're pretty sure that's what's happening. The part you can see on the cup, it's just two hands that are holding. But there's a good chance the disembodied hands are from two women. And I think it's safe to assume those two women are just, you know, going to town on each other outside of the frame.

Oh, yeah. The frame being the cup. But yeah, just above the cup, you got to assume two women are violently smashing vaginas into each other or however that works. Which seems like a great way to sell coffee or just about anything, honestly. But the Christians aren't happy. And that's because they hate everything that's good and beautiful in the world. And they want to ruin it. Well, and honestly, think about how far gone you have to be sexually at this point.

Right. Because this has to start with two friends at Starbucks turn into each other. One guy goes, I think these two hands here are lesbians that are gonna fuck each other later and the other guy had to go like yeah yep yep that sure is offensive offensive i'm mad about this exactly why aren't you throwing out your cup i'm taking it home i'm gonna fill it with a different kind of latte. It's still foam. And ask a stupid question, get a stupid cancer news tonight. According to Indian Senior Cabinet Minister Himanta Biswasarma, God is carcinogenic.

Now, to be fair, I guess God is everything-ogenic. But since this asshole drilled in on the cancer bit, I guess it's only fair that I follow suit. So while speaking out loud to humans the other day, B-Sarms, as the kids call him, explained that cancer is God's punishment for you being such an asshole. In other words, according to a senior cabinet minister in India, people with cancer deserve it. Okay. Not sure if he has that right. I was thinking maybe God's punishing the cancer by giving it a

shitty person to live inside. Oh, there you go. It's just like, hear me out, guys. You ever spend five minutes at St. Jude's? Bunch of whiners. That's basically it. So here's the, this is why we'll never have to make shit up quote. This was said, by the way,

on television. So he knew other people could hear. This was not a hot mic situation. Anyway, quote, God makes us suffer when we sin. Sometimes we come across a young man getting inflicted with cancer or a young man meeting with accidents. If you observe the background, you will come to know that it is divine justice nothing else we have to suffer that divine justice end quote so god you're gonna make the human race out of good people god's like well actually i was thinking shitty people plus also cancer

and i'll make oncologists as a decoy nailed it yeah it's like the sims but instead of taking the ladder out of the pool you just watch them wither away and die from the inside darker exactly now you may have noticed that he made an almost testable claim there right he said that if you look back over the life of a cancer patient you'll see why they had it coming but he hedges his bets a little later in the interview when he cancer patient you'll see why they had it coming but he hedges his bets a little later in the interview when he admits that you you could also be all cancer ridden because of your parents sins or your sins in a previous life and then he later apologized for those statements and explained that they were taken out of context which implies that a the

apology was pretty half-hearted yeah and b that hem Hemant Abiswasarma thinks there's a context where cancer patients deserve it is an okay thought to have. Yeah. Wait a second. I can do this one. I can do this one. Nope. They deserve it.

No, you cannot do this one. Next story. Okay. Bye. And in highest and most holy court news tonight, you know, Keith, Noah, and myself have never received an apology message from a listener who voted third party. Not once, not one, not ever.

But that doesn't mean that we don't keep getting the messages they were hoping to send last year. And we received another one of those messages right in the ball set this week when the Supreme Court unsurprisingly rejected the American Humanist Association's Apignani Humanist Legal Center's appeal to hear a case that would have massive repercussions for church-state separation

at public school board meetings, graduation ceremonies, and in the lives of non-Christian students everywhere. Yes. So basically, the AHA was aha was like hey we'd like to recite the first amendment for you guys and the supreme court was like no we will not hear it la la la can't hear you yeah right right yeah exactly get a couple more trump nominees in there and andrew will literally be citing precedent from the am not versus r2 decision

right so as listeners might be aware since the greece v galloway ruling in support of legislative prayer in 2014 atheists have been desperately clawing at the cliff edge of theocracy like mufasa in the hopes that perhaps school board meetings might not begin with legal and officially sanctioned religious invocations. Now, this case specifically was about the Birdville Independent School District in Texas, which has a history of invocations at mandatory school activities, punishing students for ripping pages out of the Bible, and religious symbols in a classroom, which, a reminder, a federal judge says was just hunky-dory last august leaving the aha and the ahlc no choice but to appeal to the higher court yeah and the way they defend all

this by the way is to say that it's okay for like non-religious people to invoke god at the beginning of their meetings too see so yeah everyone has an equal right to praise jesus at the beginning and therefore it's okay and the only reason we don't cover, by the way, the seven stories a week about local school boards and whatnot, rejecting atheists who want to give secular invocations at meetings is that they don't lend themselves to enough dick jokes. Right. And I should point out the unconstitutionality of this all seems fairly obvious. But again, Jill Stein, Gary Johnson and who tuesday just wasn't a great time for put gorsuch on the court last year so he you know dug his claws into our paws whispered long live the king and now school districts get to line up everyone for jesus blow jobs before handing out diplomas yeah yeah and it's weird because gorsuch is supposed to be taking advice from jill stein

did he not get the message from all those message votes i remember there was a message and i want to point out why i chose this story this week because as terrible as it is it's fairly uneventful right something didn't happen something we expected not to happen didn't happen but i mention it because a year into trump's presidency i'm seeing a combination of the news crush and time result in a lot of, you know, well, I don't agree with Trump, but I don't really care about X. And and I hope this story is a reminder. If you care about spreading theocracy, whatever else your politics are, if you care about the separation of church and state, if you care about your children's school not having a legally sanctioned official religion next to their mascot then you care about trump and i'm sure i'll open your apology letter just

as soon as i'm done reading all the ones i'm going to get from jill stein voters i just want to say officially nobody owes me an apology if i were a third party voter i'd start my apology tour in south korea probably that's that giant crater where all the people used to be right yeah oh too soon sorry a little a little bit but not hey we don't know come out till tomorrow yeah yeah uh and in long form earth certificate news tonight flat eartherther, limo driver, and self-proclaimed autodidactic rocket scientist Mike Hughes ran into some trouble with his plan to launch himself into space last weekend

using his homemade rocket ship. Well, pre-space, but we'll get to it. Not 100% clear what exactly the problem was, space but we'll get to it not 100 clear what exactly the problem was but i'm guessing it was either uh physics or laws about civilians launching ballistic missiles without a permit or he got foiled by a bird that runs really fast or maybe all three yeah i kind of have the feeling that this is just like if cnn showed up to the time that Cordy said he was going to jump off the roof of the Schmenderson's house. You know what I'm saying? Exactly.

He can't launch himself in his homemade rocket when you're looking. Obviously. Yes. So apparently Mr. Hughes doesn't believe in science, but like all of it. That's what he said. science but like all of it that's what he said and that's why he decided to fly up really high and take a picture of earth to debunk the global conspiracy uh you know big spheroid that conspiracy i guess he climbed up a really tall tree at some point and he took a picture and it came out in the shape of a rectangle seemed like a strong argument against the roundness claims to him.

This is a fucking rectangle. There you go. So now he wants to try again with a little more height just to be sure. I'm sorry. You can see the curvature of the earth from how high? Okay, fuck. I'm going to need like three more ladders. No?

No? Make it four. Four more ladders. And look, okay, so to see the curvature of the earth, a cloudless day, you only need about 35,000 feet, which means you can see it from the seat of an airplane if you're lucky. Right? And he was planning, as I understand it, to launch himself 5,000 feet in the air. Yep. 5,000.

The height of a tall mountain for West Virginia. Yeah, so the whole thing might sound dangerous, but don't worry. This guy knows all about the relevant details. Mr. Hughes, quote, I know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move through the air about the size of rocket nozzles dynamics and thrust dynamics but that's not science no that's just a formula oh there's no difference between science and science fiction end quote what sounds legit to me state of california is telling him no but i say we let him do it two votes want to let him do it. Two votes. It's good to know about both aerodynamics and how things

move through the air when you do this kind of shit. Way to prove the first four words false with words 8 through 14 there, bro. So Hughes was originally planning to launch his personal rocket on Saturday in Amboy, California. California, highest point is Mount Whitney. That's 14,494 feet or three times his intended height. Right, but according to his account, the Bureau of Land Management showed up and made him stop. Probably by blowing out his fuse each time he'd light it.

So after what I'm assuming was a comedically long back and forth with the fuse lighting and the blowing it out, Hughes gave up and decided to reschedule for later in the week. And allegedly, he's going to be high as a kite by then. Literally, because his thing doesn't go very high. He's still a rocket man, a rocket man burning out his fuse up there alone. Still, this means that at some point this week, someone in a Californian Bureau of Land Management office had to decide whether or not to let the crazy Uber driver

kill himself with a rocket. Yeah, right. Right. I wonder how that conversation went. Conversation. So. So. You think.

I mean, we could let him. We are not going to let him do it. Okay, but if we don't, he's just going to say it's because. Because the world is actually flat. I know. It doesn't matter. We can't let a guy kill himself so that he doesn't say we're hiding the fact that the world is flat. But it's not flat.

The problem is it's not flat. We know that it's not flat, Dave. The point is it's fine for a guy to say we're afraid he's going to prove the earth is flat. It's not fine for us to let a guy kill himself i mean he might not he is absolutely going to kill himself and then and then people say we secretly killed him to stop him from proving the earth is flat okay does he know about yeah yeah we explain like weather balloons with a gopro that would allow you to see the curvature of the earth he wants to go up himself okay i have one other idea all right what do you got you remember when my nephew was super obsessed with the moon yeah so what are you thinking? Okay, ready for a liftoff, Mr. Hughes?

Yeah, I'm ready. Gonna prove this once and for all. All right. Oh, look out the windows. What do you see? Put up the picture. Put up the picture. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Well, look at that. It's flat. I'm a space alien. Holy shit, an alien. Damn it, Dave. Sorry, look at that. It's flat. I'm a space alien. Holy shit, an alien. Damn it, Dave. Sorry, I got excited. And in Malaysian me crazy news tonight.

Malaysia continued to act as America's hometown friend on Facebook who posts patriotism memes and then gets into ugly public fights with their ex in the lobby of AMC while going to see Cars 3 with their mutual kids this week by reminding us all that it can always be worse. Listeners might remember a few months ago when an atheist gathering in

Kuala Lumpur caused a national stir with government officials calling for their death and imprisonment. Which is a weird idea. Seems like you pick one or the other. You think, right? Seems like the wrong order at the very least, yeah. Well, don't worry, because Deputy Minister Azraf Wajid Dessouki,

whose name I pronounced wrong because he's a dick and not because I can't, took to Parliament this week to let everyone know that the real problem in that situation was the atheists because atheism violates the malaysian constitution i feel like he's copying off of gorsuch but whatever yeah get your own anyways here's his reasoning in language again terrifyingly similar to what we might hear at home desukiSuki said, quote, atheism contradicts the first principle of the Raku Negara, which is sort of their like constitution. It's a document of their national principles. He continued, which is a belief in God. We need to understand that in the Malaysian context, our federal constitution states that freedom of religion is not freedom from religion.

End quote. Just, you know, be whatever religion you want be atheist totally fine the quran tells us exactly how to deal with you people yeah right right so similar talking points aside if the news ever bums you out from the united states too much just remember that at least obama didn't blame newtown on the kids. No, no. That was the people I went to high school with on Facebook. Motherfuckers need to duck. Yes. No, I actually got that, that those kids should have been armed. And in observant purport news tonight,

director of the Vatican Observatory and guy who suggests resorting to cannibalism way too soon, Guy Consolmagno, whose name I could also pronounce correctly if I gave a shit to, sat down for a recent interview with the Vancouver Sun, in which he assured readers that all those astronomers on TV are just pretending to be atheists so they can sit at the cool table at science school. Yes, no, he went on to point out that even if you didn't believe in God, which he does does he's totally

not pretending but he would pretend if he didn't believe so that religious people wouldn't hate science because facts should always take a back seat to wishes boys and girls what if we just change the science then nobody has to pretend yeah exactly it's like apple changed the roads to match their maps i'm sorry i'm just too busy picturing a bashful astrophysicist tearfully throwing his crucifix that his mom gave him on the first day of space school into his locker. I love the idea of space school. So the thrust of the article was the question of whether or not faith and reason are necessarily in conflict. Oh, oh. So you check the dictionary and yes, they are in conflict.

I'm a journalist. What would that article say? Are the exploration of what is true and the opposite of that in conflict? It's a thinker. Yeah, right. Don't rush to an answer. Those ones wouldn't meet the word count, so they had to bring this asshat in. And when they put

the question to him, he dodged vociferously, rambling in part, quote, the scientists you see on TV who are proclaimed atheists because they think it gives them credibility in science, which it doesn't, are turning off the nine-tenths of the population that don't call themselves atheists end quote it i'm gonna argue with his

numbers but later he then went on to misquote carl sagan and by misquote i just mean made some shit up and then said carl sagan at the end and then then he noticed his Uber driver was four minutes late and suggested cannibalism. Wait, what? Like as a punishment for the driver? Or to have a snack while he was waiting? Either way, I get it. Take a look at the guy. Well, either way, as

Carl Sagan said, don't say things people don't like, because then they won't listen to you. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Wait, why does Carl Sagan go ba, ba, ba, ba, ba? Why did Carl Sagan go ba, ba, ba, ba, ba? Now, I should say, this story pisses me off for plenty of reasons. But for most of them is that TV scientists go out of their goddamn way to pretend they're not atheists when they obviously fucking are, right?

Like, if you ever get a chance to hear Neil deGrasse Tyson explain how he's technically not an atheist because he likes stained glass windows, you'll see a ready example of the exact opposite of what this asshole is trying to say. In fact, the fact that Neil deGrasse Tyson has to pretend there's a place in the Venn diagram where he doesn't believe in God and isn't an atheist, don't touch, in order to get his new fucking cosmos on Fox fox and is perfectly willing to divorce himself from sound reasoning to get there is fucking proof that this professionally delusional jackass is using horse shit to mask the smell of his bullshit and finally tonight in ciabatta fuco news we have a story about pedophiles bread and erections and it's pretty amazing now i want to hear an unamazing one though right just just to know what the run-of-the-mill pedophile bread erection stories sound like it's all met the store i'm thinking about fucking kids and

they're out of whole wheat bread so i got white is that okay you go. Go to one of Eli's slam poetry nights. Anyway, a Catholic school in South Australia erected a new statue last week of St. Dominic holding a loaf of bread right in front of his crotch, which is hilarious because it was like the bread was a penis. Bread penis. But here's the problem. The display also included a small child right next to

St. Dominic who appears to be gearing up to blow the bread penis. Yes, he does. Also, the kid's hand is very clearly cradling the balls of the bread penis if there were balls on the bread penis. Cannot express how much you need to see this picture. Look, and this was like a kind of sort of thing.

I'd be all for it, but it is upsettingly clear. It is Roy Moore wants to watch the movie Kids for the fifth time in a row level of disturbance. It is not fun. Very clearly, the bread was added later like a bad tattoo cover-up, right? Somebody walked in on Tony Carvin, this thing, and was like, oh, dude,

you have to make that into bread or something. Like, it is penis-shaped bread. The fucking bread has balls. Yeah, so as soon as the statue went up, kids showed up at school, started pointing, laughing, and taking blowjob selfies with him, obviously. And when parents found out and started making complaints,

the school was forced to cover it up with a wall of curtains until they could figure out, I guess, a more appropriate place for a pedophile-themed statue, which seems pretty much impossible. Also, the curtains kind of make it worse because now they have this little like private blowjob booth right by the front door of the catholic school there's no way this isn't getting used for actual blowjobs i feel like this statue is worse than actual blowjobs and it's not close right so uh we laid some pillows down Just in case people faint And we put this Barry White music in there In case people get upset

And just for the record As much as we'd love to take credit for this one The fact that we were in Australia At the same time is purely a coincidence Right Same goes for the fact that my dad's a stone sculptor And same goes for Eli's that my dad's a stone sculptor and same goes for eli's often interrupted statements about his sexual desires all a big coincidence we definitely did

not spend years engineering this entire thing just so we could go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock for one last time here on episode 250 get excited excited. The final 30 seconds. 30 seconds on the clock. Caption ideas for the placard on the statue of a priest offering penis bread to a child. Go. Oh, wow. So much pressure. Know your role.

Reach around for a crusty trombone. Come on to all the children. What if I said it was mayo? What about a six inch for $2.50? Eat frosh. Got to give some to get some. Oh, yeah. No, a kneading it joke.

Oh, I guess now that they've got the curtains, we could have maybe God hates baguettes. Oh, I like it. How about the breadophile? Wheat spray love. In memory of Jean Benet Ramsey. And on that awkward edit, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Eli tried to fuck a nine-year-old.

What? You can't stop right there. You can't stop before the last word there. Person. That doesn't make it better. That doesn't fix it. Is Hobbit that much better? I guess not, but at least that's a non-existent thing.

It's much better at the callback to earlier. It puts it in context of but at least that's a non-existent thing. It's much better. It's a callback to earlier. It puts it in context of something at least. And when we come back, Andrew's going to be all kinds of pissed. Hobbit. Hobbit's a set up for, and then I'm supposed to be like, I don't know how their birthdays work. Oh God. Whatever. know how their birthdays work oh god whatever for a while we didn't even know what we wanted to do the show about no and i talked about doing a fantasy football podcast we talked about a stand-up comedy podcast. Yeah. And in the first week

in the episode, got 77 downloads. I was talking to Heath and Lucinda, trying my damn just to make that sound good. I'm like, imagine 77 people sit in the backyard, listen to us talk. That would seem good, right? Yeah. Why, I remember back in the winter

of 37 when we and Mammy used to head to the woodland to gather juba berries. Eli, no, it's real. Just do a real memory. Back in the winter of 2007 when Jean-Bernie Ramsey. Why would you be doing a voice? It's just you. Just do you.

Do me. Oh, I remember in 2007. Here's who I met at this week. Yeah. Cut. Cut. I mean, I'm not going to say there weren't challenges. Turned out to be a lot more work than any of us anticipated going in.

Yeah. I didn't even own a computer when we started. First laptop I ever bought was to edit this show. I had to defeat a dragon in a karate tournament. No, you didn't. Noah and I had to defeat a dragon in a karate tournament. Not what I'm taking issue with. Noah and I had to seduce a sexy dragon in a karate tournament.

Okay, in your mind, does that make it better? The last revision to that because there's a karate tournament going on smell of sweat jean benet cut i mean i don't mind if turkish people listen to the show uh fuck hefty kill brainy, marry greedy. I think that's pretty obvious, right?

That wasn't remotely the question. Well, then what was the question? Not that. Okay, guys. Episode 250. The retrospective thing doesn't seem to be working, but I feel like we should still do something big.

Clip show. We just took four weeks off. Okay, why does he get a vote? Oh, I'm sorry. Why don't I get a vote, Heath? No, no, no, it's fine. You're like America in World War I. You've been here for like 10 minutes, and now you're in charge.

It's fine. No, I don't know. I'm just suggesting. One way or the other, Eli's right. We did just take like a couple of weeks off. Plus, if we did that, we'd have to re-record some of our older bits. You know, sound quality was shit back then. Not all the original files still exist in WAV format.

I don't know what a WAV is. Like the ocean? Which is why he shouldn't get the vote. Hey, I have an idea. Let's tell everyone Heath's real name. That's a fun... Okay, Vito. No, no.

Why do I even bother? It's... Okay, I got an idea. We're not doxing Heath. Thank you. No, no, I have another idea. Why don't we do one of those, like, suck-our-own-dick self-reflective things? A... a what? You know, like,

Morgan, make him the music. Wow. 250 episodes. It's been such a wild, wild ride. And after all these years... I get it. I want to go. I want to go. Okay, Morgan, give me

thoughtful music now. Better than Eli's. I want the manicotti, but the meatloaf also looks good. And, you know, if I order both, I feel like everybody's going to judge me. I'm probably... Heath, it's supposed to be about the show. You're supposed to reflect about the show. You said self-reflective.

That's what I was reflecting on. Guys, guys, guys, we already tried the self-reflective thing. It didn't work. Plus, I already talked about that stuff in the diatribe. on guys guys guys we already tried the self-reflective thing it didn't work plus i already talked about that stuff in the diatribe did you ask for money in the diatribe no i didn't ask for money what's the diatribe god damn it i still can't believe you get your own section of the show just you introduce it every week you say but first the diatribe. You say that. I thought that was just like a figure of speech.

More importantly, have you never listened? I'm not that into atheism, okay? It's just... I'm not even going to touch that. Guys, guys, come on. We got to do something like huge for episode 250. We can't just do our show. Wait a second.

I think you've got it, Eli. What? What's it? Our show. We just do our show. I am very confused. Me too. We don't need any fancy gimmicks. We don't need to pull clips or dox Heath or ask for money. Okay, disagree with the last one already. Hear me out. Look, we have the best job in the world.

We tell jokes for a living. We fight theocracy for money. We get to raise money for charity by making fun of people's physical appearances. We get to make awesome new friends like Tom and Cecil and then do shows with those funny motherfuckers. We get to travel the world just because people want to hang out with us.

Maybe the best way we can celebrate our show and how lucky we are is to just keep doing it. Now, I think we should ask for money. Yeah, money. Two votes! We should ask. Money! Money! Money! Thanks for 250 episodes, guys.

Money! I hate you guys. We're playing characters there. Clear to everybody. He's playing a character there. Eli routinely chants money in his real life. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.

The part of the show that we basically never do, even though it's the only one where none of us have to do the heavy lifting. And even though it's been something like a year since we've done a listener feedback segment, this still isn't really going to be one because I'm really just hijacking that intro to do another episode 250 navel-gazing bit. So I reached out on Facebook and patreon today and asked our listeners for questions they'd like to hear us answer about our first 250 episodes and i plucked out a few representative ones here so to start things off paul asks what episode 250 noah and heath most want episode one noah and heath to know and he adds limit the answer to the podcast only if you deem necessary um so i'm gonna throw that to both of you but first i'm gonna steal the easy answer and say that i'd want them to know to have eli on

full time as soon as possible good answer uh i'm gonna say buy more bitcoin over ten thousand dollars crushing it also short sell the british pound. I don't know what they're worth, but very little, I would imagine, still. And masturbate more often to President Obama's sweet, sweet dulcet tones while you still have the chance. Remember him? This is a lesson that I've, obviously wasn't here since the beginning,

but this is a lesson I really just learned this last year, which is that funny is enough. Just do the show. The show is enough. Do the show. Alright, so a couple of questions about what we actually call each other in real life. I call Eli and Noah Bay

and Boo. Yeah, no, I call Heath Bitsy Pookums and Eli Snuggie Whips. Okay, so I use their pseudonyms and am wildly confused when their friends and family use their real names. Like, I have had their families both use their real names and I'm like, who the fuck are you

talking about? Name is Heath. That stroke was bad. Nobody Jesus. Nobody uses my real name for anything and if you called Heath by his real name, I wouldn't know who you were talking about.

Okay, so on a slightly different note duff asks invisibility or flight and then begrudgingly adds or whatever other superpowers if you insist uh invulnerability i i would say if i have to pick between the two i'm going invisibility because flight doesn't have any real functional uses it would just be fun. Um, but if I'm picking any power, I go with time manipulation pretty easy. I feel like, uh,

and if I could go on with a one for Eli, it would be, um, it would be spell check. Okay. I'm going flight. Flight's got, you get,

you get free powers with that. Like, how are you flying? You have like super speed and super strength and like, well, you have some kind of stuff going on. It's not just that you could fly. No, but you're saying you'd have that other stuff going on just

so that you can fly. So it's not just so you can fly. You seem to be on both ends of that. I'm getting a package of stuff there. He's giving himself other powers. I want Superman powers. I want my own dreams. Superman can fly and he has a bunch of other cool stuff.

I'm picking Dr. Manhattan then. Unstuck in time, like Billy Pilgrim. Time manipulation would be good. You're already blue. And a question from the dreaded Rear Admiral here. Having just seen the animated version of the diatribe about arguing

with religious relatives i want to ask what works even just in terms of leaving them with some understanding of what you believe because forget trying to change their mind what even works uh so there's lots of really good books and writing on this from much much smarter people than me including the two people who are going to talk after me. But my favorites, like when it comes to direct one-on-one interactions, I'd recommend checking out the work of Anthony Magnabosco on YouTube.

His Street Epistemology series is really good, or the book A Manual for Creating Atheists. I really love those both as sources for those conversations. Alright. I don't have too much experience with this. Most of my family doesn't really have religion going on, but a few of them do

and it's aggravating as fuck, super obnoxious. It did work a little bit when I mentioned other religions, actually. That fucks them right up. Wait, so you're saying I'm Hindu-Atheist? Fuck you. I'm so confused confused that really got to a couple of

them well see the problem in my experience is if you get if you get really good at it they won't talk to you about it anymore so like all my religious family members now have a rule that i'm not allowed to talk about religion with them because i do it for a living and i'm right so obviously i'm going to win all the time. So my advice is not to get really good at it, I guess, or you won't get to do it anymore. And finally, Jennifer asks, what listener response, good or bad, stuck with you the most?

So there have been like a lot of amazing ones and it's genuinely humbling. But at the Chicago show, this is always my answer. This woman came up to me out of nowhere and super duper casually. She was just like, oh, Eli, you know, you talk about your dad a lot and how much you wish you were like him. But I can't imagine a better man than you. And I bet your dad couldn't either. And then she just vanished like the world's best compliment ghost. And then she was I don't know who she was or why, but just did the world's best and then i was alone again in the world

without her um all right well one definitely sticks out in my head uh i'm gonna say someone um someone at reason rally told me she would listen to the shows during chemotherapy and it made her laugh and now she's in remission i i started crying and laughing at the same time and so did she and we cried and laughed together it was pretty powerful well i was pretty psyched about that i would love to use one of those kind of answers you know one of the people who helped us who say that we helped them get through severe depression or the death of a loved one or something. But if I'm going to be perfectly honest, the bad sticks with me way more than the good. So all the bad comments in order first.

I would say the one that most stuck with me was the first review we ever got. It was via email and it did nothing but bitch about our episode two sound quality and complain that the show was written. Because my inferiority complex knows no bounds. Apparently. Anyway, thanks everybody who submitted a question. Sorry,

we could get through so few of them, but thank you all for the last 250 episodes. And thank you even more for the next 250. Before we light the fuse on the outro music tonight, I wanted to let everybody know that Dogma Debate is going to be hosting their third 24-hour charity fundraiser this weekend. They're raising money this year for Modest Needs, which is one of our favorite charities,

so I'd highly recommend you tune in and you donate, preferably on Sunday between 11 a.m. Eastern Time and noon Eastern Time when I'm going to be on with Cecil. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern Time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting 24 hours after that. And a yet still newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, 29 hours after that. Obviously, this

wouldn't achieve episode Duma if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for 250 episodes of unceasingly altitudinous standards for sardonic wit. I need to thank Eli for agreeing that Kangaroo was not giving him a fuck-off stare eventually. I need to thank Justin from the We Agnostics podcast for this week's Farnsworth quote. You'll find a link to his show on the show notes along with a link to more information about Dogma Debate's 24-hour broadcast-a-thon. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions, who's very sorry to report that she'll be unable to join us for the next couple of weeks. Death in the Family has her tied up for at least a couple more episodes,

but she promises to be back as soon as she can. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week, last week, and the week before that's best people. Mark, Andrew, Sean, Michael, Andy, Bill, Robert, Jay, Brendan, David, the dreaded Rear Admiral, molested by a radioactive space clone, the true Eli Bosnick origin story,

Robert, Yosekus, Marie, Captain Peanuts is a fish. Mike, Leslie, Matthew, Maxwell, Mattman, Jonathan, Drew, Fivjixer, Stifofim, Marie, Pierre, Nicole, Brian, Rosiah, Chris, and Dave. Mark, Anders, Sean, Michael, Andy, Bill, Robert, Jay, Brendan, and David, whose ejaculatory ballistics are still unrivaled by the North Korean missile program. The dreaded rear admiral molested by radioactive space clown Robert Ezekias, Marie, Captain Peanuts is a fish, Mike, Leslie, Matthew, and Maxwell, whose intellects give the Hubble Deep Field image vastness envy, and Mattman, Jonathan, Drew, Fiv, Jixer, Stiffafee, Marie, Pierre, Nicole, Brian, Rosiah, Chris, and Dave, who are so sexy,

Eli talks about their buttholes more often than he talks about my cats. Together, these 30 military ranks, random assortments of letters, and shocking revelations improve the world ever so slightly this week or last week or the week before that by giving us money. Not everybody has the crisp, refreshing taste it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help,

but you're heavily invested in the new underground chamber you're building, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or that Google one. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scatheist.com. Voluntarily. I didn't do anything. It had nothing to do with anything. It was just gurgled.

Sorry about the face gurgling there, Morgan. Have you heard some face gurgling in the background? My face apparently does that now. It happens when you get old. 36. When? Who had 36? Whose list is that? garrison keelers

oh that guy again i'll take that again yeah please i thought we were just gonna name i was gonna say penis to start I thought we were just going to name I was going to say penis to start sorry Morgan penis moving over to a different bit you guys, who goes next?

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