The Scathing Atheist - 252: Faith No Moore Edition

Episode Date: December 14, 2017

In this week’s episode, Alabama takes out its ponytail and turns out to have been super hot all along, Alex Jones learns the hard way that his android sex doll is a homosexual, and Joseph Smith will finally make with the genocide. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out the Brainstorm Podcast, click here: http://www.thebrainstormpodcast.com/ Headlines: Roy Moore can suck poop through a tube: https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/voters-head-to-the-polls-in-contentious-senate-race-in-alabama/2017/12/11/26e36b56-deb7-11e7-8679-a9728984779c_story.html Australian bigot couple that vowed to divorce if gays get to marry are now welching: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/08/couple-that-vowed-to-divorce-if-australia-passed-marriage-equality-wont-do-it/ Anti-gay propaganda group operating in public schools: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/07/an-anti-gay-christian-group-is-converting-kids-in-public-schools/ Pat Robertson tells unemployed woman that tithing will get her a job: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/07/pat-robertson-tells-unemployed-woman-to-keep-tithing-if-she-wants-to-find-a-job/ Teacher reported Muslim 6-year-old with Down Syndrome as a terrorist: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/06/teacher-reported-6-year-old-muslim-special-needs-student-as-terrorist/ Alex Jones worried that gay people are gonna fuck his car: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/alex-jones-people-will-call-you-a-homophobe-if-you-dont-let-them-have-sex-with-your-car/ This Week in Misogyny: Webster’s word of the year for 2017 = Feminism: http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/12/world/feminism-merriam-webster-year-trnd/index.html

Warning, I've been storing up a lot of profanity over the last couple of weeks. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist, thank you, thank you, is brought to you by Blue Apron, Stamps.com, and by Middle Earth's favorite church of Scientology, the house of L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard, Eli. Thank you. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Corey from the Brainstorm Podcast,

everyone's favorite Canadian skeptical podcast. And even though it took me nearly four years to get this recorded and sent to Noah, I still have nothing particularly witty to say except we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And maybe some moose, because, you know, Canada. It's Thursday. It's December 14th.

And suck it, Roy Moore. Suck it hard. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Keith Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, Alabama takes out its ponytail and turns out to be super hot all along. Alex Jones learns the hard way that his android fuck doll is a homosexual. That's a good visual. And Joseph Smith will finally make with the genocide. But first, the diatribe. if we take one thing away from all the conservative op-eds about the masterpiece cake shop case, all of the punditry defenses of it, I hope what we take away is that at this point, religion is nothing but organized bigotry. I mean, think about it. If a politician in today's America wants to reach out to his religious base, wants to get him fired up, the best way to do that is to hate.

Hate black people, hate gay people people hate trans people hate muslims you don't mobilize the evangelical base with promises to help the poor turn the other cheek and love thy neighbor you get out the vote by scaring them that gay people are coming for the christmas and this isn't something you can pin on trump's america either right let's not be so naive this This shit didn't start with Twitter. When George W. was facing reelection 2004 in the middle of an increasingly unpopular war, the Republican get out the vote effort was to get anti-gay marriage amendments on every state ballot they could. And while you're out of voting against the gays, you might as well check the box for that Christian freedom guy who tortures Muslims, right? But I'm not naive enough to think Karl Rove was rewriting the playbook

back then either. A listener I met on the Bat Cruise in Austin sent me pictures of a pamphlet distributed back in the 60s by the American Baptist Association that argued forcing states to recognize interracial marriage was against religion and was an anti-religious plot. And quick, somebody dig up George Wallace, ask him if he thinks that was a winning issue. Look, the decision before the court in this case is whether or not we as a society want to continue to let bigotry hide behind a cross. Religious freedom in this case is unabashedly the freedom to discriminate. And you're a goddamn fool, by the way, if you think they're going to stop at gay weddings that want like custom products. And if you don't believe me, let me quote the pamphlet here for you quote prior to this century neither historical christianity nor

judaism has held that the integration of the races was necessary to a nation's obeying the laws of god and the concept and practice of racial integration is heathen in origin and has been primarily promoted by atheism infidelity and communism for the past 4,000 years. Communism for 4,000 years. Now, you can plug whatever minority group you want into the crosshairs, and they will. Trust me. Anybody they think they can get away with discriminating against, they're going to discriminate against. And wherever that bigotry goes will be conveniently excused in some interpretation of the Bible.

Now, keep in mind, that's a quality unique to holy books. The Quran, the Book of Mormon, the Bible, all of them could theoretically be used to justify pretty much any type of bigotry you wanted. And it's not like that's a common flaw with books in general, right? That's just holy books. You can't do that with Prisoner of Azkaban or Everybody Poops, for example. But every holy book I've read seems almost to go out of its way to keep the hate broad and malleable. Almost like they were designed to do that. And look, from a perspective of social evolution, that's exactly what the holy books were designed to do because that's what the religions were designed to do. Even if nobody ever sat in a room and said, how do I make a religion that helps make people hate others? It would have happened through

natural selection. I mean, somebody did sit in a room and say that a lot of people in a lot of rooms, I'm sure. But even if they didn't, it would have been the inevitable result because society spread best when they can talk the individuals into hating other people near and around them, right? Hating people that are different than them, dehumanizing them when you need their land, dismissing them when they need your help. And it just so happens that religion is really good at doing this, regardless of whatever it originally arose for.

I mean, maybe back in the day, there were religions that weren't good at authorizing, but that fact alone doomed their adherence to death at the hands of the religious people that were good at that, right? So we've got this societal man nipple that's been fashioned over thousands of generations to be ever more effective at manipulating us into hating people, you know, turning us

against the other and justifying the mistreatment of our fellow humans. And then on the other hand, we've got an increasingly rational, increasingly global society that leaves less and less justification for the hate and the otherization and decreasing amounts of tolerance for it. But luckily for the bigots, we just so happen to have this whole vestigial institution sitting here in the junk drawer in case we someday found a use for it. And now this is an atheist show, so nobody's going to chime in here and try to argue that there are other uses for religion, too. But even if you could successfully defend that point, it wouldn't fucking matter. The main thing religion does is protect bigotry.

And we see that in action in our politics. You can say you care about whatever you want to care about. But when the thing that actually makes you come out and try to affect social change is always bad, you're bad. It doesn't matter if you also do good stuff sometimes. I shouldn't have to say that creating a society wide judicial safe space for bigots is a bad idea. OK, that's one of those precepts that should never have to be expressed. But it does over and over again, because, sure, Doug Jones squeaked by with a few thousand votes, but we still saw how many Alabamians were willing to overlook some of the most disgusting personal behavior imaginable under the guise of religion. Now, if the religion was really about good morality and shit, that would be a contradiction

in terms, right? Vote for the child molester because he's religious. But Roy Moore didn't represent that aspect of the religion. He represented that other far more important one about protecting the Christian right to bigotry. And in case anyone still wants to make the case for Christianity, I should remind you that I'm judging them by their own standards. They chose this shit. I've seen their fruits and I know them. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two men who also aren't conceding defeat in the Alabama special election. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to

defy the deep state? One of our lawyers is a Mexican. I just wanted everybody to know we have a Mexican lawyer. Is everyone else just picturing Roy Moore just like clinging to a desk while two aides grab his ankles? Doug Jones is just waiting with a cardboard box filled with pictures of his family and desk toys. No, that's fine. I'll wait.

Take your time. That is absolutely happening right now. Yeah. Yeah. No, but there's a gun involved. So I've still got a little celebrating to do. I don't know about you guys. So we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor, Blue

Apron. We wish you a dry Apron. We wish you would try Blue Apron. We wish you would try Blue Apron. We wish you would try Blue Apron. It's the better way to cook. Say, Anna Bosnick. Yes, Eli Bosnick. Have you ever heard of Blue Apron? Yeah, we use it all

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scathing. Wow, that sounds great if you have a husband who can't even cook white rice. Okay, you said you liked it al dente. I lied. We wish you a tribal apron. We wish you a tribal apron. We wish you a tribal apron. It's a better way to tri-blue apron. We wish you a tri-blue apron. It's a better way to cook.

You like my rice? You're good at other things. Like what? You're funny. I'll take it. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Protestants in Alabama prove themselves at least a little less willing to overlook child rape than their international catholic counterparts so i want to draw too big a conclusion based on one senate race but it turns out the ira was wrong protestantism is better and we learned that last tuesday when dark horse candidate doug jones best

and sassy horse candidate roy moore in a special election in alab Alabama to see who would take over the seat that Jeff Sessions had vacated. Those asshole hick pieces of shit. Eli, that's not what it is. I don't rewrite. I don't rewrite. I don't know what happened. Oh, well, then you must not have been up till 4 a.m. yesterday.

Dude, Jesus Christ. I had a different lead story. Now, I'm happy that Roy Moore lost, rewrites notwithstanding, but I want to stop short of congratulating Alabama like so many others have done for a 0.7% victory on the side of basic human decency. I mean, yeah, yeah, they made the right decision ultimately, but when they were offered a xenophobic, race-baiting, misogynistic, theocratic, homophobic, transphobic, racist, anti abolitionist who was removed from elected office twice for ethics violations and had multiple credible accusations of child molestation against him.

They held on to their now. Wait a second. Until the kid raping part. Right. And like just barely with the kid rape part like really squeaked by exactly yeah so good work i guess but it was like child molester or democrat too slow yeah exactly you really gotta answer that right away can we check doug jones email server no no it was right away it was you answered democrat yeah so you know whatever congratulations alabama you pooped in the grown-up

potty of politics for once but we haven't forgotten that your state ranks 44th in public education 7th in the murder rate 44th in high school graduation 47th in average income 47th in quality of life 50th in women's rights and not coincidentally first in religiosity yeah you have the very worst state and that's in a country where most of the states voted for donald trump so you give weird praise no i want to give you that note i just don't want to make it too easy for him, you know? Sure. Now, this may not be over. As of this writing, reports are that Moore will not concede in the race and is demanding a recount, saying, quote, when the vote is this close, it's not over, end quote. An assertion that is disputed by Alabama election law, adding, quote, what we've got to do now is wait on God, end quote. And in that, I agree with him.

Just wait on God, Roy. You sit right now. Hold your breath. Hold your breath. You'll be right here. And the rest of us can rest assured that you'll be a senator about the same time Jesus returns with that sword in his mouth. Yeah. And speaking of which, Jill Stein is actually raising money for a really big mouth shield.

Everybody donate. actually raising money for a really big mouth shield. Everybody donate. I wanted so badly to create a GoFundMe that was like, get a recount money and do that to Republicans. But Andrew was like, no, it's fraud unless you're a political. I don't want to get into it. But the answer was no.

It was emphatic. Emphatic no. And then I just give it to a trans teen who's been kicked out of their home. Oh, delicious. And in down underhanded bigots news tonight. As many of our listeners at home and abroad might be aware, last week, Australia legalized gay marriage, throwing pastors into jail,

losing critics their job, and skyrocketing rates of child abuse in a matter of weeks. What? Oh, the gay marriage. Everyone started fucking their kids that they're allowed to adopt and everyone who voted no got thrown in jail and they lost their job. Nope, none of that happened. Really? No. None of it?

None of it. Nope. Okay, well, wait, what did happen then? Because a lot of people were saying that... No, just Australian gay people can just get married now. Oh, like to straight people, like against their will. Okay, so it's straight people desperately search for places... No, no, no.

To each other, just gay dudes getting married to each other if they want. Yeah, or lesbians. Right, or lesbians. Okay, well then I don't understand why anyone cared about it to each other. Yeah, or lesbians. Right, or lesbians. Okay, well then I don't understand why anyone cared about it to begin with. Yeah, it makes absolutely no sense. You want to just do your story?

I mean, sure, but it doesn't make sense now. Right. Anyway, okay. So yeah, like, gay people can marry each other now. I'm not sure who cared about that. Oh, the opposition were like gay guys who were afraid of commitment, right? No, Eli, that was not it either.

Just do your story, bro. Okay, fine, fine. Anyway, not everyone is happy about the ruling. Most publicly, Nick and Sarah Jensen. Listeners may remember for promising that if gay marriage passed in Australia, they would get a divorce. That's right. Yes.

And this week they announced, much like certain fundraising platforms, backseas. Yeah. It's a do-over. The sun was in their eyes. It doesn't count. Yeah, right, right. No, but the good news is backseas are legal now. They did a referendum.

Right. So here's the catch to their protest to divorce. They were planning. See, Australia prohibits legal divorces when the couple still plans to live together and have children and be married. See, the law requires couples to be separated and live apart for a full year before the government will grant a divorce. And Nick and Sarah didn't want to do that. They wanted to burn their marriage license like a freeman on the land burning his social security card. Right.

Yeah, when those gay capital letter corporate entities are allowed to marry, that ruins the verb for everybody else. That's fair. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Almost like this process wasn't designed to facilitate homophobic show tantrums yeah marriage is so that grandpa can leave your inheritance to a pole dancer named carol who loves him for his mind everybody knows that so with their protests smashed like their hopes and dreams this week they offered this public and hopefully final statement quote my previous public comments regarding civil divorce never envisaged me separating

from my wife, but rather our marriage from the state. This legislation currently makes it untenable for us to do this under the law. And here's the part I imagine he screamed through a bedroom door. The point we were highlighting, and that still seems, however, is the fact that a redefinition of marriage changes the agreement under which we were originally married. We will be making no further comment. Oh, good.

It's like they're both afraid of the new butt sex requirement. It's going to be an adjustment period. I get it. Butt sex, just during your period. Right? Is that what we were advocating? That's what I'm advocating. We're not not advocating.

See? So often I advocate something on the show and you guys are like, no, no, you can't say that. It's true about Gorsuch, but that's absolutely a felony. Now we're all on board. And with that, hopefully Nick and Sarah can go back to being those people

who people ask, hey, weren't you those assholes who said they'd get divorced if other people were allowed to get married and then changed your mind about it at parties? Right. And in Schoolhouse Croc News, Betsy DeVos is an ignorant an ignorant spoiled reverse centaur who's doing her

best to turn the american public school system into a giant bible seminary though yeah and uh not surprisingly that's helping pave the way for christian fundamentalist groups to sneak into public schools and spread their propaganda or in some cases apparently be openly invited somehow by those public schools and one of the worst examples of this that we've seen recently is the todd becker foundation which performs school assemblies and of course cures gay people jesus fucking at the assemblies because that is a weird hypnotism act i'm gonna call it i do a lot of high schools and that's a weird hypnotism act when i count to three you'll take a penis and like it yeah no it's even worse as a hypnotism act than as an alabama campaign slogan all right so here's a little background on the todd becker foundation todd becker is a kid who died at age 18 in a tragic car accident that involves alcohol.

And that's why everyone needs to stop being gay. The alcohol was homosexual. Oh, I see. Yeah. So this group goes to schools. They preach about the Bible and apparently argue away the gay. they preach about the Bible and apparently argue away the gay. In one of their recent newsletters, they proudly announced how they ended a lesbian relationship. Here's the exact words, quote,

through much more conversation and many tears, one of the girls said, I don't want to be homosexual anymore. I want to become a new creature. However, her partner replied, I'd rather burn in hell forever than be straight. Their lesbian relationship ended that night with one heart surrendered to Christ and one heart still in rebellion towards God. End quote. And they bragged about it. Also, we poked a puppy in the eye that night. Little fucker never saw it coming.

What the fuck? Well, now, since she said she wants to be a different creature she could just want to be a manticore so i withhold judgment we don't know what a weird weakness is when you're a manticore though how do you shave so uh carefully obviously anyone who's read past the very first right in the bill of those things that we have is aware that this is illegal yeah it is and that's why both the aclu and the ffrf have both made official complaints about the foundation yet somehow they seem to be continuing their operation arguing that the proselytizing is all spontaneous, student-led conversations, which are totally legal.

As in, okay, so that was our song about Leviticus. Everyone spontaneously, right now, break up into one-on-one preaching pairs. Also, above nothing, we're going to put this big basket of rocks right here at the front of the room. And go. Spontaneous like that. put this big basket of rocks right here at the front of the room and spontaneous like that and now that eli knows somebody's pulled off a butt sex just naturally came up in conversation with those children defense i feel like we need to take a moment to talk him down so we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda filming a man wrote the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man

this week in Masajid. So Tuesday was a hell of a day. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself here, but it almost felt like the wave broke and started rolling back. Maybe that's wishful thinking, sure. But when's the last time any of us had an excuse for wishful thinking, right? Even that's a small victory in this fucked up year. So yeah, I gritted my teeth through the election results on Tuesday, just sure I was going to have to come on today and channel the fiery rage of a thousand sons about the goddamn child molester getting elected. But I didn't. At the last minute, the decent human being won, even though he believed in women's reproductive rights.

But that wasn't the only good news of the day, because before the polls closed that day, Merriam-Webster announced their word of the year for 2017. And despite the obituaries for it that have filled my inbox since we started doing the segment, their word of the year this year is feminism. And look, I get the word feminism has become a bit of a taboo. Part of the reason I started this segment was in an effort to rehabilitate it. And from my perspective, it was easy to lose track of the fact that it was really only the word that was suffering, because a quick glance at 2017 shows that the concept of feminism is stronger than it has ever

been. From the record-breaking women's marches that ushered the year in to the cavalcade of shamed-faced men retreating quietly from allegations of sexual abuse and harassment that's closing it off, 2017 has shown us the power of feminism. And make no mistake, as narrow as the victory was in Alabama, it was the feminist issues that tipped the balance. And it was the feminist issues that tipped the balance. And it was the female vote that carried Doug Jones over the finish line. According to Merriam-Webster, feminism was the most looked up word this year on their online dictionary, with searches up 70% from last year. And while I'm sure a good chunk of that was based on shitlords needing it for Twitter fights, there's no doubt that a lot of that is driven by people picking back up that word and wondering why we ever let it get so dusty. Now, I get it. We still have a serial sex abuser in the White House and Planned Parenthood is picking its way through

the legislative equivalent of the Goonies cave. A man with multiple credible child molestation accusations damn near went to the Senate. Women's rights haven't been in this much danger in the U.S. in my lifetime. But like I said, it kind of feels like the wave broke and maybe 2018 is the year it rolls back. Thank you, Lucinda. And in with one arm tithed behind your back news tonight in an effort to retroactively justify how considerate my eulogy won't be, host of The 700 Club and racist droopy dog with the bends, Pat Robertson took to the airwaves to remind the world that he's still a rapacious, merciless fraud

without a shred of compassion for his victims. This was on full display once more when a viewer who was on unemployment called to ask if she still had to give 10% of that money to her church. Guess what he said. I saw a colored in the front of the bus today. That's a good guess. Chinese people don't use lines well. What does that mean?

I'm not sure either of those is. You know exactly. That's the problem. Everyone pretends they don't know what it means. They know what it means. So I'm honestly not going to say that either of your answers is worse than what he actually said. So here's a quote. Quote, I think if you do, there's a blessing that God gives.

If you do give the 10%, that is. There is a blessing that God gives that will be given to you. So I think if you have unemployment and I hope you don't have to have it for long, you lazy anchor baby having crack prostitute. That last bit was just implied. Anyway, he continues, but once you have, you want God to prosper you and give you employment so you have to do something and you can have funds if you can help others. That's a sentence by the way. Oh, is it done? Yeah, no. Anyway, he concludes, so we give out that which god's given

us why not end quote i mean i get it though she's got the unemployment money and the crack whore money so like yeah this is a weird patreon pitch you guys can i just give you that no this is a weird way for us to segue i mean i like it but it's a weird way to segue so remember boys and girls not only are faith-based initiatives no real substitute for public assistance but they also actively decrease its effectiveness if you listen to assholes like p-robes or the dickhead preacher that mentioned what a penny pincher my wife's grandma was in her eulogy and by the way on an unrelated note if pat robertson isn't the next serial sexual harasser, it's only because his earlobes have gotten so much wind resistance at this point that he's fucking up his mobility with them. It's so goddamn creepy.

Just walking down a hallway towards his secretary with his hands outstretched, but he's fighting a wind tunnel. Yeah, no, exactly. Exactly. His cheek skin and earlobes could land a satellite on reentry. They're getting crazy. That would be such a better use of them. Everybody almost wins a taco. That was from a long time ago.

Yeah, it was. It was, but I remember. We almost all won a taco. And in Muhammad, leader of the Jandals News Tonight. I love this so much. What? What? What? Substitute teacher. leader of the jandals news tonight i love this so much what what a substitute teacher in texas reportedly called the police to report that a six-year-old in her special needs class was a terrorist what the dumbest thing that's ever happened

hello police i got an autistic kid he refuses to look me in the eye what's he hiding so according to the teacher's report the six-year-old who has down syndrome was saying the words Allah and boom which is why she went ahead and called the police because i'm guessing this person needed backup for the six-year-old with Downs. Yeah, right. And then a white kid said bye-bye, so she reported him to the FTC. Then a black kid offered her a Skittle

and she shot him in the face. It's not clear how quickly she escalates. So there's just one problem with her story. The little boy who she says said Allah and boom can't speak. What? That is a problem. So the chances that his first words ever were Allah and boom seem unlikely. Now, to be fair, other reports say that she claimed to the police that he sexually harassed her

which again seems unlikely in a non-verbal six-year-old with downs police show up she's got him tied down under the water fountain he still won't talk you guys however despite the insanity of this claim it didn't stop child protective services from visiting the kids home and the cps investigation now remains open because you can't just be like oh sorry that was a crazy person so because some crazy asshole substitute teacher didn't like that a kid was named muhammad his entire family has to deal with cps for the foreseeable future so jesus look out for that teacher's run for senate next year i guess i mean she'll lose but just barely yeah yeah because i hear she had a sexual encounter with a six-year-old

fatal and finally tonight from the gayest ex-machinophile, host of InfoWars, rejected third stooge, and arch nemesis of disgruntled slingshot birds everywhere, Alex Jones. His new theory about why gay people are a problem for society. Pussy brunch. Alex Jones puts a lot of work into these, so let's take it seriously. All right. Oh, okay. According to Alex Jones, by letting gay people exist, we're already well on our way to teaching our kids to fuck a toaster instead of a person. Okay.

I feel attacked. I feel warm. Almost too warm, but not quite. So here's how he gets there. Going to connect those dots. Go right ahead. During a recent pre-infarction rant that he loves to have, Jones explained that the gay community has a secret plot

to make a bunch of money on fuck robots, which is admittedly a great plan. Yeah, no. And apparently that entire industry sends all the profits to the big gay bank account that the gay people all have together, I guess. And even worse,

Jones is pretty sure that schools are now teaching little kids that there's a new sexual orientation called, I like put my dick inside of a machine. Okay. But let's be real here for just a second. Sex robots, like real sex robots, they're going to change the game.

Okay. I've seen Westworld and it was awesome. Okay. You have not seen Westworld. Okay. I have not seen Westworld, but it sounds awesome for the robots. I feel like the awesome robots are having a great. It's not. No, not awesome for the robots. I feel like the awesome robots are having a great... It's not...

No, not awesome for the robots. No. Eli would be the first customer to get kicked out of Westworld for pretending that he was one of the fuckbots. I'm just painting it all silver. Eli, this isn't how it works. Oh, I am pleasure unit. You're bleeding a lot, pleasure unit.

All right. New show. New show. unit. You're bleeding a lot, pleasure unit. Alright. New show. New show. Also, getting back to Alex Jones, again, really not exaggerating, here's some of the exact words. Quote, they're now saying sex with machines or sex with

cars or sex with appliances, there's a whole big movement where people are marrying their cars, marrying their toasters, marrying their dogs, their cats, their horses. I'm not kidding. End quote.

You're kidding. No, you are kidding. I hate those. Your dog is not your baby. People. It's like, yeah,

my dog's not my baby. Neither is your adopted kid. But I comment that on your Facebook photo, and suddenly I'm the bad guy, right? So it's like, you are the bad guy. That's fair. You sound like 147 commenters. Jones also added,

quote, they're catching people in public places trying to have sex with a Ferrari, or trying to have sex with a 57 Chevy. I'm not going to get into the details of what they do, but here they are. The details. They lube up the tailpipe and everything. And then the police come up and there's a guy hunching your car.

End quote. Sir, are you stealing that car? Yep. Stealing it. Please arrest me for stealing this car right out there stealing i want you to say see you right stealing on the report yeah and of course uh alex jones is being persecuted as a result of all this is he he further complained quote if you don't let somebody have sex with your car you're a homophobe now you're a bigot you're a horrible person by the

way this is not satire i'm not kidding here this is what they're teaching kids now end quote okay all right i'm most of the way convinced i mean well i mean clearly people are fucking cars and toasters in public and we've got to do something about it he said it he made it clear he wasn't kidding it was not satire but um but i'm not sure he's tied this together with gay marriage. I mean, unless you know cause and effect. Like, I would fuck a car regardless. I was fucking cars before Obergefell. Yeah, so gay people are a gateway drug to gay dudes fucking Alex Jones's car.

Okay, there it goes. No, okay, you've really tied it together now. I would fuck Alex Jones' car. Like, give him the opportunity, to be fair. No, you're right. Yeah, we all would. Fair, fair. I mean, I'm not sure what his opinion on dual exhaust would be.

Pretty sure he'd be super confused, though, and also aroused, as much as that's possible, with all the blood in his face. Anyway, though, and also aroused as much as that's possible with all the blood in his face. Anyway, regardless, we're obviously going to take a little time to help out the gay people with the marketing. Oh, of course. So let's put 10 seconds on the clock. We can do whatever the fuck we want.

We can sometimes do this, sometimes not, sometimes 10 seconds. You don't know. Anyway, ad slogans for the vehicular butt sex fuck robot. Obviously, go. Oh, putting the bum back in Bumblebee. The boy Yoda butt roll up. All right. No, I'll do one for you.

Sexist. The relentless pursuit of a rectum. More than meets the brow. Transformer. And now that everybody's gotten their requisite weekly dose of Transformer porn in their mind, I suppose we can kill the hell lines right there. Eli, thanks as always. Nope. And when we come back...

Can't say any of that. Can't say any of that. You can't even say the first syllable. And when we come back, the Nephites are fucked. Dashing through the snow to send out all my gifts. Waiting in long lines, waiting through snow drifts. A better way to ship and send gifts home to mom is here.

And now I have no fear because I'm using stamps.com. Oh, stamps.com, stamps.com, shipping the easy way. Buy and print right at your desk and enjoy the holidays. This holiday season, I'm using stamps.com to send all my holiday gifts because it's easy, quick, and keeps me out of the cold. Right now, you too can enjoy stamps.com service with a special offer that includes four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without the long-term commitments.

Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. Oh, stamps.com, stamps.com, shipping the easy way. Buy and print right at your desk and enjoy the holidays. But I logged on to Facebook on Monday. It came up with one of those little memories from a year ago where apparently I posted that I had finally finished the goddamn Koran. That was December 11th of last year. And here it is, December 14th. And we've still got three goddamn books to go in the book of

mormon so i'm not sure if the math holds up exactly but i think we just scientifically prove that there's more bullshit in the book of mormon than even muhammad could manage and to be fair quran peace theater was just giving heath moonshine and quaaludes and turning on the recorder so it didn't work out one One of my friends is a Jew, just for the record. Just to be clear, yeah. Everybody knows. And, of course, rejoining us after a sad and prolonged hiatus is my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Lucinda, welcome back. It's great to be back, except that part where I have to read the Book of Fucking Mormon. Yeah, well, there's that. Speaking of which, we're actually going to be breaking down the titular Book of Mormon. That is the Book of Mormon in the in the book of mormon which is titled mormon of course it is so we start off by mormon announcing that he is now writing the book but he undercuts the shit out of his own account by admitting that he just started trying to remember shit when he was 10 but he

didn't write any of it down for 14 years right god's like hey mormon uh actually never mind we'll talk in a decade and a half yeah yeah well amaran hid this shit that we've read up to this point and then he just plucks out a 10 year old kid at random and he says hey i perceive and this is a quote i perceive thou art a sober child and aren't quick to observe end quote and proceeds to give him a lifelong charge of recording Nephite history because he's 10 years old and he's not on the bottle yet. Okay, so what do you want to be when you grow up? Oh, well, I was thinking I'd be a farmer or a keeper.

Keeper of the Nephite record for all of history? Great answer. I got an awesome surprise for you, buddy. And if Mormon had to describe the lands of South Zarahelma back in those days in a single word, he'd go with megalopolis. In the 4th century CE in the Americas.

Bunch of Lamanites handing out CDs in Times Square. So, of course, war breaks out immediately with the Lamanites, but this time it's all out. It's the Nephites, the Jacobites, the Josephites, and the Zoramites going up against the Lamanites and the Lemulites and the Insecticons and the Constructicons all out fucking rumble. So he sets up this war.

Then he says, and the Nephites won and there was peace for four years. Dismisses the whole war with a sentence so he can skip ahead four years to the next one why you gotta wonder why joe who very clearly he made this all up yeah why would he need a war that didn't matter in his book it's your book why would you put filler in your fictional book just go to the one that matters yeah exactly right but in this you see, the Nephites were being too stiff-necked and iniquitous, so the Lord didn't give them any cheat codes. And, of course, Mormon knows the cheat codes, but he's not allowed to give them to anybody because they're so stiff-necked.

Yeah. Right. And he's 15 at this point, and he goes and, real quote, tasted and knew the goodness of jesus end quote lovely so jesus can run for senator in alabama i guess that's good right so mormon goes to tell all the nephites about tasting jesus but then quote my mouth was shut nobody will ever believe you i'm gonna almost win i mean it's gonna be way closer than you think yeah so speaking of which the lamanites start winning and the gadianton robbers infest the

place and i want to draw attention to a bit in chapter 1 verse 18 because we encountered this before the gadiantons were burying their treasure all around but god was so pissed at him that he made the underground slippery so their treasure sunk down and they couldn't get anymore and i only point this out because it's been brought to my attention that this was a ruse people like joe smith would use when their dousing stones or whatever would say treasure was in a certain place and then they dug really far and it wasn't like they they turned to the sucker they duped into paying for the dig and they say well god must have gotten pissed and made the underground too slippery probably

because you didn't believe in us hard enough. And that's an insight into Joey's mind that I think we should all draw a circle around, take a moment with. And that explains why nobody's ever found the Oak Island treasure. They weren't Mormon. LDS people should really put some money into that. They should start digging. But anyway, back in the story, witchcraft, sorcery, and magics are everywhere and all of the lands of nephi have gone to shit yeah okay i'm just picturing ancient mormon me shuffling cards while

some guy conjures a demon just like okay demons pretty cool but eight of diamonds uh no damn it should have gone with demons so then we get to chapter two where the nephites decide mormons should lead their army and that's a hell of a lucky coincidence considering you know him having been randomly chosen to write the history yeah right lucky break for us i guess right also lucky because he's not a prophet right like he hasn't done anything to deserve this. No. He hasn't done any prophecy. They were just like, hey, 15-year-old. Yeah, exactly. And Mormon is such an inspiring leader, by the way, that at the age of 16, when his army meets the Lamanites in the field, the Lamanites say boo, and his guys, like, run to the hills and scatter.

Yeah, and they go north and west. So just remember, Canadians, they're just peaceful Mormons. That's how they have it. That actually makes a lot of sense. No, it does. Right? Yeah. I really don't get this book.

Mormon is basically bragging about what a shitty general he is. This whole chapter is a list of battles he lost. But it's presented like, and you guys are so sinful that I got my ass kicked in Angola and Joshua and David. Yeah, right, right. Exactly, exactly. Okay, but then he finally wins a battle. He takes care to point out that his forces were outnumbered 42,000 to 44,000.

That's such a lame thing. You're just making shit up. Why not make it a significant number? He's like, all right, 42,000 to 45,000 000 one no hold on hold on let's keep this book believable 44 000 they'll believe that be reasonable so the nephites all repent but they repent wrong of course so god still doesn't forgive them yeah see according to the book the problem was their sorrow was the sorrow of the damned quote they did not come unto jesus with broken hearts and contrite spirits but they did curse god and wish to die end quote

be like boss next story just saying this book speaks to me is what i'm saying now this brings us to the point in the story where he turns 24 and has to go get the plates Amron hid. And it just so happens his army is retreating to that very spot. Very convenient. Pull over, pull over. This is perfect. This is perfect. I got some plates. They're literally right there.

Oh, hello, Morgan Freeman. Did you get a box or something? All right, cool. And then the Nephites start winning battles and take back all the lands they lost. So that chapter meant nothing. Nope. No need for chapter two. Then chapter three starts with a 10-year break from all the battles.

But sure enough, here come the Lamanites again because Joseph Smith literally never thought of another thing that could ever happen. Exactly. It's just been that since page one. And they're back. Jesus. And Mormon realizes that the people aren't godly enough, so we get a quick montage where he tries to Jesus them up a bit, but it's

too little, too late. Just chasing around a chicken with a crucifix on its neck. Painting them all white with rollers. But the Lamanites are super polite about the war here. Apparently, their king said,

we're going to attack you, Graham, before it happened. Okay, I'm going to attack. One, two, two. And the Nephites win, again, despite all their iniquity. So Mormon God is proving himself to be wholly unnecessary for military victory,

even in his own book right or or it could have something to do with the lamanite army having the enthusiastic consent approach to war and then the nephites get so haughty and wicked that mormon takes his commission and goes home and refuses to lead the armies anymore yeah well and mormon's logic here is he's like, I'm not going to keep bailing you out if you all don't join my religion afterwards.

I would rather see you die and our people get wiped off the earth because I'm the good guy. Yeah. God's like, all right, I'm going to kill everyone

without a ball. And Mormon's like, okay, this is actually pretty funny. I'm taking my ball and I'm going home. Yeah, exactly. But instead of telling us what happened to the leaderless army in their next battle with the lamanites the book just takes an

eight verse muhammad like diversion to say and by the way don't think the jews are getting off light in the afterlife just because jesus had a mitzvah and because joseph smith completely lacks descriptive skills here he tells us the blood and guts and shit couldn't be described, but assures us that the massacre is the most worst one in the whole book. Yeah. And lo, it came to pass that pshew, blast, boom, boom, boom.

Oh, no, no. Also, the Lamanites are burning women and children to their idols at this point. Now, I know the Nephites aren't tithing enough. Their necks aren't as flexible as God likes. But he's starting to seem like a third-party voter here. Just sitting up in heaven. So they're burning people.

But Doug Jones doesn't support Medicare for all. I'm going to write in Mickey Mouse. And just when it seems like the Nephites are going to win after all, they don't. And the Lamanites send out an army so big that they, quote, were not numbered because of the greatness of their number. What? End quote. So, infinity. That's how many of them there were. Infinity. Infinity warriors. So yeah, shit gets real. The Lamanites start winning for reals now.

So Mormon grabs the plates and hauls ass northward. Yeah, to go find the plates that he already found a couple chapters ago? Waste. Maybe he's checking on uh maybe he's checking on the

backup plate. Like a backup plate. You want those redundant. Yeah, that's good. Maybe he's checking on the backup plate. He's got like a backup plate. That would make perfect. You want those redundant. Yeah, that's good. Exactly. All right, we get to chapter five where Mormon goes around saying how super sorry he is about everybody's kids

and wives getting burned to death and says he'll lead the army again now. Yeah, of course, the people still didn't repent and Mormon is a crappy leader even by his own telling. So that doesn't shift the fortunes of war or anything. The Nephites just continue to get their asses kicked, this time under Mormon. Right.

Guys, Mormon's back. Let's all get our asses kicked for Jesus now. Yeah. That'll be a fun change. And once again, Joey has to explain why he isn't telling you all of the awesome shit. He's got a whole bit where Mormon says, and the blood and guts were way cooler and gorier than I'm telling you all of the awesome shit. He's got a whole bit where Mormon says, and the blood and guts were way

cooler and gorier than I'm telling you. Trust me, they were way fucked up. But I'm not going to bore you with that shit anyway. More about how repentant everybody was. Right. Yeah. Which is followed, by the way, by a long monologue about how if only some righteous white Christian

people should arrive in this land a thousand years from now or so. And by the way, if the abject racism of this book isn't clear enough, this part about the filthy Lamanites burning women and children as they murder all of the white people is Joseph Smith's fanfic origin story of the Native Americans. Yeah, let's keep that in mind. Seriously. yeah the quote here is for his people shall be scattered and shall become a dark a filthy and a loathsome people beyond the description of that which ever hath been amongst us yea even that which hath been among the lamanites and this because of their unbelief and idolatry yeah yeah fun fact about this part it used to be in the description of the chapter in the Book of Mormon until 2010.

Jesus. 2010 is when they took that description of Lamanites out of the official Book of Mormon. Wow. Because they're progressive. Well, just out of the chapter description. Yeah, right, right. It's still there. Yeah. And now it's time for the final fucking battle We reach the hill of Camora Not Gamora, mind you

Come-ora Yeah, no Sorry, Joe, did you say that this place is called Come-ora? Yeah, way worse than Gamora Come-ora, trust me So yeah, Mormon sends a final battle Invite to the King of Lamanites

And he RSVPs Apparently Okay, wait, and he RSVPs, apparently. Okay, wait, did he RSVP on Facebook? Because apparently that doesn't mean anything, Keith. Dude, I said I was sorry. I made so much bean dip. How much bean dip did you think I was going to eat? So much. At this point,

Mormon buries the book he's writing. Yeah, wait, no, wait, wait. Good point, yes. At this point, midway through the chapter, he tells us about burying the book he's now writing. Yes. And then he carries on with what happened next.

And after I stopped writing this, dot, dot, yeah. And of course, this is when the Lamanites march through and kill all but two dozen of the Nephites. Right. And let's talk about how impossible this is. Right. So by the number Joseph gives, at least one million Nephites had to, quote, die by the sword, end quote, which again didn't exist yet, in a single day and leave no trace.

Yeah, exactly. Laminates didn't have enough gasoline. Laminates don't burn that hot. People in armor and shit must have been so biodegradable back then. They were forward thinking. It was a green economy. I'm just telling you, wheat shields are underrated.

It must be. And when Mormon looks over the 100,000 plus slain Nephites, his reaction, of course, is to say, see, this is what you get for not being Christian, you stupid assholes. That's right. Because he's the good guy. He's the good guy. Yeah. As if to prove the Mormons are the cockroaches of evangelism, even after the Lamanites kill hundreds of thousands of them, Mormon and his kid pop up to bitch at them for being so wicked and sinful. He does. Dude, we just killed a million of you.

Are you kidding me? Well, you missed me. Now stop being black or red or whatever. I'm clear. And we cannot overemphasize how anti-Semitic this book gets in this chapter. Over and over again, it says, and don't forget, Jews killed Jesus. That was the Jews. And it's never for any reason, right?

Like, just all of a sudden and out of nowhere, it'll be like, and it came to pass that the Lamanites overrun us at Tien Kham. And if you think about it, the Jews started that war, too. And we did regather our forces in the land of Shiblim. I feel like Joe was denied a loan during this chapter. Mormon's wife holds a press conference. One of our lawyers helped kill Jesus. Just so you know.

To be clear. He also tells the Lamanites here, oh, and in 1100 years, white people will show up with a Bible. And it's going to be awesome. You should totally listen00 years white people will show up with a bible and it's gonna be awesome you should totally listen to those white people there's also a quick aside about how uh and if you believe in that book that bible which you should obviously you can't help but logically believe in this one too and i guess it's only now that joy realizes the buried plates thing creates a logistical issue here so now now Moroni takes over and he's like, oh, by the way, I'm writing extra

plates now that I'll later bury with those first ones you read. So this will make sense. Right. But he mentions that he's like literally running out of room on the plates. He's like writing this shit in the margin. And you're allowed to be a Russian spy at the end.

And by the time he has a spare plate carving minute, the other 23 surviving Nephites have apparently been hunted down and killed. So now it's just him. He's the last one. Moroni also wants to make it clear that there's still an even bigger apocalypse on the way. So, you know,

God will have his revenge eventually. Yeah. One of these days and then we get this crazy awkward transition where he says and now i'm talking to you future people i know it's going to seem weird for me to give contemporary commentary about your present day churches from 400 ce where i am and everything but trust me god showed me 1829 and you guys are all kinds of fucked up. You're not doing it right at all. We did not need a Will and Grace reboot. That is the next 40 chapters. And we did. It was a great

reboot. But he saves the last chapter for the atheists and the unbelievers where he offers up such nuanced theological challenges like, I bet you won't be so atheist when the rapture happens, bitch. Yeah, right. If God isn't real, what are you going to tell him when he comes back is an

actual argument in this book. Yeah. But you won't say that to his face. He also points out that being a Mormon is better than dwelling in a hell for eternity, which is a slogan I think the LDS should have stuck with. Mormonism, at least a little more fun than hell.

Way more fun. Unless it's the hell from Bedazzled. Yeah. Because of Elizabeth Hurley's giant boobs? Yes, because of Brendan Fraser's giant boobs. What did you say? What did you say? What did we say? In his Getting Into Heaven instructions here,

he's sure to point out that being white helps. Yeah. Definitely a good thing. He also points out that it's impossible to read the scriptures and not come away believing in them, which I mean, we still got two chapters left. I don't want to prejudice or experiment here, but I'm having a healthy suspicion maybe he's

wrong. What we're saying is I'm a Mormon reserving judgment. He also points out the atheist God can't even perform miracles so mormon god would clearly beat him in a fight another good uh uh apologetic that he offers up if you don't believe in christ who do you think redeem mankind's sin through their ultimate suffering checkmate and if you think that's stupid wait wait until he gets to that. Okay, then who's multiplied all those fishes?

Yeah, this chapter is slowly turning into a more honest version of the conversation your uncle is going to make you have at Christmas by the second. There's also a mandate in here for Mormons to quote, preach the gospel to every creature, end of quote, which makes you wonder who ministers to termites and shit. All right. Heath, Heath, if you were a Mormon, you could be a missionary to dogs. I'm so in. Had me at Mormon. All right, so then we get a list of Christianity powers,

including but not limited to spontaneous language genesis, casting out of devils, serpent immunity, invulnerability to poison, and infinite healing powers. Testable claims. But you can't look. Stop looking. It's the Mormon uncertainty principle. It's like peeing.

It's just like peeing. That's why I never look when I pee. Gross. There's also an out-of-the the blue ham-fisted thing in here about how they couldn't write their plates in hebrew because they didn't have room so they used egyptian hieroglyphs to conserve space yeah what i get it i mean to be fair this whole book pretty much fits into a single picture of a dude dickishly wagging his finger at the Cleveland Indians mascot. Like, that's the book. You don't need anything.

That means Book of Mormon. And that's where we're going to close things off for the night. Looks like we will not be able to wrap this fucking book up in 2017, which is a shame, because 2017 kind of owes us some good news eventually, but we're going to be back in three weeks with the Book of Ether, or we'll just huff Ether instead.

Find out in three weeks when the Book of Mormons returns. Before we lower the lights and put on something a little more comfortable tonight, I wanted to take a second to address some weird shit with Patreon. Earlier this month, they announced an upcoming change in how they were going to charge patrons, and it was a bad idea that got called out as such far and wide. And Patreon heard our voices. They backed off of the fee change. It's not going to happen. So if you canceled your pledge because of this, or if you made any changes to your pledge because of this, or if you were going to donate to Patreon and then you heard about all this and decided not to,

the fee change will not be taking place as a person that makes the bulk of his living through Patreon. This is kind of important to me. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show,

the skeptocrat debuting at 7am Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister shows, hot friend, God awful booze debuting 24 hours after that. And a yet even still newer episode of our half sister show hot friend Godolphin Boos, debuting 24 hours after that, and a yet even still newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I wouldn't be keeping in the spirit of the season if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for taking on a huge amount of my work while I was sick,

and also taking on the huge amount of work he always just takes on because he's Heath. I need to thank the lovely Eli Bosnick for not quite saying anything that got us sued while I wasn't on GAM this week. I want to thank Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast for making sure of that. Also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for kicking shit right back into gear when she got back. And also a kind of ridiculous number of presents under the tree for me. I need to thank her for that.

Can't figure out what the long flat one is. No fucking clue. It's really weird shape. Also, I want to thank Corey from the Brainstorm podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and demonstrating our show's international appeal in so doing. If you need a little bit more Canadian skepticism in your life, be sure to check the show notes for a link to his podcast. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people.

Only I can't do it by name because all the changes with Patreon have caused a flurry of canceled pledges, adjusted pledges, weird shit that's going to make it take at least another week for me to pick through and figure out what actually is and isn't a new pledge. But I promise I'll get you thanked by name and properly complimented next week. If I fail to, let me know and I'll correct it in an upcoming episode. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, and he also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. That was sexy.

Right on top. That really was. You just drove it right in there, Eli. Sometimes you think you're going to need lube and you don't, and that was one of those moments. And I stopped understanding. That was nice. I fucking hate you.

It's going to make sense to like three listeners. I just cracked myself up with you, motherfucker. All right. The important thing is that we're having fun all right quick sketch all right well that's official you're the hype man for the intro there's no way around you not doing that forever now okay yeah yeah all right your words on the page you can read the words on the page every time it always will lead you correctly you don't have to make up your own words you also fucked it up so we're just gonna never mind all right let's take two everything's i feel like we should check if christianity like

quit the religion before we start the episode. Everything's changing. Maybe. And now, back to... You guys don't even know. There's a space and then not. We do two there. Two spaces there. Why would there be two spaces?

Two lots because it's a new segment. We're moving to, it's like the intro. Who is that for? Is that for us? We don't know? It's a new segment? It's for proper formatting that we do the same. Yeah, you know what?

You're right, Eli. Why would we even need space there? We could just do that. You'll never outdo me on the why do we need spaces thing. That is a gambit that will go right. That is the gay chicken of our show. You can put all the words together. Get rid of all the spaces now.

I read my notes. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.