The Scathing Atheist - 253: Vulnerable Transgender Fetus Edition

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

In this week’s episode, the CDC gets 7 words they can’t say in this hellish vision, Egypt comes out with some banana porn that sadly does not include Ray Comfort, and a fat man will watch you sleep. This week’s episode is brought to you by Policy Genius. Find out more at https://www.policygenius.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist You should like our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To hear more from Andrew, check out the Opening Arguments podcast: https://openargs.com/ Headlines: CDC gets list of banned words from Trump: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/politics/ct-cdc-forbidden-words-20171215-story.html Roy moore blames everyone and doesn’t concede http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/14/roy-moore-longs-for-theocracy-in-non-concession-speech/ Kevin Swanson blames Moore loss on Alabama’s “significant sexual problems” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/15/kevin-swanson-roy-moore-lost-because-of-alabamas-significant-sexual-problems/ Jesse Lee Petersen says it’s because black people don’t believe in god enough: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/14/jesse-lee-peterson-doug-jones-won-because-black-people-do-not-believe-in-god/ Study: Most Americans don’t give a fuck if you say “merry Christmas” or “happy holidays” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/13/listen-up-donald-trump-americans-dont-care-if-people-say-merry-christmas/ Pope wants to change the translation of the Lord's Prayer: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/pope-francis-lords-prayerus5a2aa38be4b0a290f0500f8f?section=us_religion Gay man who got denied a marriage license by Kim Davis now running against her: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/06/gay-man-who-couldnt-get-marriage-license-from-kim-davis-will-run-for-her-seat/ Big win in legal case against tax free housing for pastors: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/14/tax-free-housing-for-religious-leaders-is-officially-illegal-pending-appeal/ Egyptian pop singer will serve jail time for sucking off a banana in her video: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/13/egyptian-pop-singer-will-go-to-jail-for-sucking-on-a-banana-in-a-music-video/ This Week in Misogyny: Trump admin seeks to block two more immigrant abortions: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/18/trump-administration-risks-lives-of-two-more-pregnant-immigrant-teens/ Catholic Priest: It would be unethical to install smoke detectors at Planned Parenthood: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/12/17/catholic-priest-its-unethical-to-install-fire-alarms-at-planned-parenthood/

Warning, our reliance on profanity has made us all permanent features on the naughty list. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Policy Genius and by everyone's favorite documentary about the tragic school shooting in the Shire, Bowling for Gollum Bine. Gollum, where's the hype man? Gollum Bine. Eating ramen. D up hype man. Okay. Thank you. And up, hype man. Okay. Thank you.

And now, the skating atheist. Oh, hi. I didn't see you standing there. I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that I, Dan Jacobs, and your old pal Dan on Twitter, knows for a fact that we did truly come from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's December 21st.

And the reason for the season is a pregnant teenager. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the CDC gets seven words they can't say in this hellish vision. Egypt comes out with some banana porn that sadly does not include

Ray Comfort. And a fat man will watch you sleep. First, the diatribe. you know we make a lot of jokes about the uh the so-called war on christmas paranoia but i'm starting to think that those guys might be on christmas paranoia but i'm starting to think that those guys might be on to something because this year i decided i wanted to celebrate like a truly traditional christmas and it turned out to be nearly impossible first of all it was absurdly difficult to get any slaves at all i mean it doesn't matter the whole point of the fucking holiday is for slaves to become the masters and the masters, their slaves for a day, right?

I'll be damned if everywhere I went, it wasn't emancipation this and you have the right to an attorney that. And I'll be damned if you can sacrifice anything at the Temple of Saturn without the Roman cops freaking the fuck out and rescinding your visa at this point. So I come back home all disappointed. And just to rub it in, I get back to America. The asshole at Starbucks is happy holidays and then just stares at me blankly when I corrected him with Io Saturnalia. But it's not just archaic Christmas customs that are coming under fire here. Even the modern Christmas traditions are enough to set off these culture warriors.

For example, my goat demon costume? Collecting dust again this year, despite me offering to play Krampus in at least a dozen Christmas parades. Well, who's going to be the terrifying infanticidal baphomet that boils the naughty children alive I ask and they respond like naughty children shouldn't even think they're gonna be boiled alive by monsters because they hate Christmas and by the way it's not just my international flair or historical pedantry that's triggering these affronts to Jesus's birthday just ask Andrew how those people felt about me breaking into their house chimney first

to shove hydrocarbons into their asshole kids' socks. Those kids were so fucking naughty, obviously. And those people had Christmas lights up. They were obviously already celebrating the holiday. And it isn't just the old shit that's fallen away that bothers me, right? It's the dumb new shit people are replacing it with, like lights.

Lights? Are you fucking serious? What the hell the colored lights have to do with Christmas? You think the shepherds were stringing incandescent bulbs around the manger? You think our medieval ancestors were decorating their houses with blinking LEDs? No, they were putting candles on dead trees. And if open flames on dry timber inside your home isn't good enough for you, I'd venture to say you're putting the safety of your family above the sanctity of Christmas and you are the problem. I mean, where does this end, right? I mean, imagine if we just kept tossing away all the old Christmas traditions and replacing them with

whatever new shit comes down the pipe. Pretty soon you're going to be left with a Christmas that has no mass, no church events, no guilt, no evangelical cartoons, no fruitcake, no eggnog, no cumbersome itchy sweaters no harvey weinstein wannabes stalking below the mistletoe to harass unsuspecting co-workers no middle-aged fat men with questionable motives taking the low-paying job where kids sit on their lap all day no parody christmas songs about reindeer manslaughter no drunken family fights no delaying a delicious meal to listen to grandma stumble through grace while you worry that that shit on your brother-in-law's hand is contagious no ceremonial trampling to death of walmart employees no alienating local muslims hindus

and jews and what are you left with at that point right so yeah it seems like everything that makes christmas great is being cast aside by today's pc culture it's almost like they think of christmas as some kind of living cultural celebration that should evolve along with society to reflect the ever shifting social mores of their time. It's as though the celebration belongs not to the church that commandeered it, but rather to the masses of people who actually celebrate it. It's almost like the universal values of family, love, peace, compassion and hope that informed winter solstice festivals since the beginning of recorded history are worth celebrating independent of their religious barnacles that have adhered to them through the centuries. But I, for one, have had enough. I'm switching sides. I'm joining the war for Christmas, and I'm going to fight for all the Christmas traditions, from the orgies of ancient Rome to the present shitting masochistic log of Catalonia, which is a real thing called the Tio de Nadal

that you should definitely Google. I'm going to strive to keep all the traditions alive because let's face it, if I was selective about it, you know, if I fought to keep nativity scenes in malls, but not to include the Dutch Saint Nick's evil dark skin slave boy, Zwarte Pete at the Santa court, for example, I'd just be transparently privileging my own idiosyncratic preferences as though to say they somehow formed a universal template for a festival that spans the globe and stretches thousands of years into the past. And if that was the case,

I would be blatantly weaponizing a celebration of harmony to exacerbate division. I'd be arrogantly dictating to others how they should enjoy themselves in a callous effort to promote social hegemony. And if I did that, it would really be me declaring war on Christmas, wouldn't it? Joining me for headlines tonight are two men who know when you're sleeping

and awake for a much more insidious reason. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to make a list and check it twice? Absolutely. Establishment clause is coming to town. War on Christmas. Daniel Baldwin. I mean, I made a list and you said, quote, by no means read that on air, end quote. So I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. I just want to throw that out there. All right.

Well, now that I know that that list was not destroyed in a fire, I need to make some contingency plans. So we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Policy Genius. Noah. Noah. What is that? I am the ghost of Christmas. Hold on. I'll tell you what.

Give me one second. Let me slowly sit up in bed the way that it's physically possible for a human to do. Okay. All right. Um, okay. All right, now I'm, okay, shoot. I am the ghost of Christmas future, and I have something to show you. Follow me downstairs. There, there, Lucinda. There, there.

Perhaps my new Let's Play channel will make enough money to get us a scoop of coal for the winter. Oh, I hope so. If only Noah had gone to PolicyGenius.com and made sure he was well insured. Yes. PolicyGenius.com lets you compare life insurance from the top providers online in less than five minutes. It's true. Spirit, tell me, what about that abandoned dildo in the corner? Where's Eli? Tell me, Spirit, are these visions of what is to be or is it possible that if you need life insurance but you've been putting it off, you could still try Policy Genius? Can I still compare life insurance online on my own terms in

my own time speak to me spirit why don't you speak to me eli that was just you in a costume the whole time damn it policygenius.com because you should only be forced to speak to an agent if you've committed a federal crime i knew i should have double stitched and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight from the pc culture run amok file the fragile little snowflakes in the white house have been getting very triggered recently by scientists using accurate words when speaking about true things. Really, the entire body of things that are true can be extremely offensive to the GOP at this point. So that's why the Trump administration officials instructed policy analysts at the

Centers for Disease Control that they're now forbidden from using seven particular words. Are you ready for the list of words? Cogsucker, motherfucker, tits. Yeah, it's way worse than that. The following words are too scary for Trump and the administration to handle. Diversity, transgender, fetus,

entitlement, science-based, evidence-based, and vulnerable. there's my favorite and and this one's getting less play by the way but they were also told to use obamacare instead of the aca or the affordable care act where they're talking about that also the state department is replacing the term sex education with sexual risk avoidance kind of feel like orwellians the next one on the list, right?

We're going to have to get rid of that shit pretty quick. I'm sorry. I just can't let go of vulnerable. Right? Why? I get the others. I really do. I don't agree with them.

They're crazy, but I understand the agenda. But banning vulnerability is just the perfect symbol of America, isn't it? Yeah, right. It's just so perfectly us. So just for a moment, let's ignore the implications of being scared by words like diversity and transgender. Just pin in that. But just purely in terms of general science talk, the administration of the president of the United States doesn't want the people in charge of preventing the spread of disease to be using words like science-based or evidence-based. What the fuck is happening? Oh, yeah.

Jesus. Now, here at the CDC, we encourage you to follow uh truthy medicine more truthfulness what the fuck am i doing yeah but you know don't worry too much the white house had some some ideas for alternative phrasing instead of science-based and evidence-based. They want the CDC to say things like, we base our recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes. What? In consideration of wishes?

In consideration of wishes. As in, we do science, but then we have all the not scientists check our work. Yeah. Not evidence-based, but guessing impaired. We don't have to make some euphemisms. And what it's actually there to do, by the way, in case you're still wondering, is placate anti-vaxxers and alternative medicine zealots. It's because this fucking administration is run by conspiracy theorists who actually think alex jones has a fucking point the literal reason they're banning the

term science-based and evidence-based is because they're against basing science on evidence yep and also uh no more doctors from now on. Everyone's just knows some shit about that. I guess. Yeah. One last thing. If you remember, we had a pin in the fact that the president of the United States is afraid of the words diversity and transgender because he's a giant bigot. And you know what? I'm thinking we just leave the pin in there.

Like now he's a giant bigot. He's a giant president. United States. Bottom line, I don't care if Liz Warren and Kamala Harris were like clubbing baby seals for the entire decade of the 80s. Everyone make your peace with that shit and get on the fucking board. I don't care about email, they can do whatever.

God damn it. That joke is very funny and will be very sad when he gets re-elected in 2020 because Cory Booker once farted in an elevator. It's like old Skeptic. You can't listen to him because they were very funny. It's like Mercutio. We're all Mercutio.

And in bigots in morning news tonight, as many of you may know, Alabama flipped a slightly heavy coin in favor of not pedophilia last week. As regular of you may know, Alabama flipped a slightly heavy coin in favor of not pedophilia last week. And as regular listeners will know, whenever we have good news, that means

it's time for a Christian Freakout. Hit it, Anna! What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian Freakout. So, thank you, Anna. That's the best jingle ever. I'm incorporating more jingles into our program. I think that's what we've been lacking.

We did a survey. You guys weren't invited, but jingles was the number one feedback we got. So first up is the unemployed pedophile himself who took to YouTube on December 13th to deliver a long, rambling, non-concession speech that blamed abortion transgender people gay basically all the seven banned words of the cdc for his loss which again he did not admit to so he really just took to youtube to remind us all that he's an asshole like that was his really his thing yeah and uh fun game if you watch the non-concession video every time he pauses imagine someone just running on and yelling because you tried to fuck a child he keeps

doing these like question answered it's like wizard of oz and dark side if you did it because you tried to fuck a child it's it that seems rude to to do after he spent so much time editing that out that pa was fired so uh him aside next up conservative radio host and man who we aren't sure isn't just an offensive little britain character jesse lee peterson took to the airwaves to blame black people for not believing in god enough right right but that's okay for him to say because his jewish lawyer has a black client. That's right. According to Peterson, quote, if they believed in God, they would have clear minds. They would have sound minds. They would have godly values that guide them.

It's like he's trying to psych up all the black people in America for a high school football game. Who has clear minds? Who has clear minds? Who has sound minds? Yeah, exactly. He continues, quote, there is no way that you can be a son or daughter of God and a Christian and support anyone who represents the Democratic platform

or the Democratic Party. That's a reality. How can you be of good, of God, of truth, of love and vote for a man such as Doug Jones or even Barack Hus hussein obama and i gotta admit i agree doug jones and obama are both pretty anti-genocidal so points for jesse there points for jesse there yeah and after that whole uh the whole bus thing white christians can't be happy about getting beat in alabama by black women again this is great they got rosa parks and they're

pissed and it's fucking fantastic and of course last but not least the shit covered gay son wedding attending pastor we know we can always count on to mourn good news kevin swanson took to the airwaves to let us know that doug jones won because alabama watches too much porn. Look, if you don't want everybody watching porn, have an interesting anything anywhere in your state ever. You've had 198 years to work this out, guys. That's fair. That's fair. Citing Pornhub's own data, Swanson pointed out that Alabamans watch a ton of porn. And as a result, quote, the state probably has significant sexual problems especially since

doug jones is so in favor of sexual perversion transgenderism and homosexuality the guy who doesn't fuck the children yeah just some guy like all right honey uh i'm gonna go vote for roy moore wait a minute wait a minute. What you watching? Is that Nuru? Nuru. Lost my train of thought. You want to get an abortion and vote for Doug Jones? The fuck? So there you have it. It's not pedophilia that's to blame. It's

black atheists, gay porn, and all of the above. So until next time... What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. And in down under age news tonight, the Australian Royal Commission on Institutional Responses to Child Sex Abuse issues its final report on Friday,

thus hopefully ensuring that I'll never have to say that clunky fucking title again. And apparently the verbosity with which they were christened carried over to the report itself, which comprised a whopping 17 volumes and included 189 recommendations. In addition to the 220 recommendations issued in its two previous reports, none of which included just stop fucking kids. OK, weird. Judging. Just just stop saying fetus.

That's how you sound. It's a bit of a bit of a difference. And of the many findings in the report, the first one I want to highlight is that, yes, this is a Catholic problem. I mean, that seems pretty fucking obvious from the atheist perspective. But the Catholics like to whine and bitch all the time about how they're getting unfairly singled out by the press. And the Salvation Army rapes Australian kids. True. And that's true.

The Salvation Army does rape kids a lot. We killed lots of gypsies, too. Wait. I did it back. Yeah, right. It doesn't work forwards either. But of the thousands of victims the commission interviewed that were abused in religious institutions, 62 percent were in Catholic institutions. And I should point out out like catholic is the

largest religious denomination in australia unless you count no religion way to go guys but catholics have less than twice as many adherents as anglicans and more than four times as many abuse allegations so yes this is predominantly a catholic problem also not for nothing but like i just want to emphasize again weird response to look how much rape you've been doing is okay but it's not just yeah right steve and brian were raping too if all of your friends raped off a bridge steve and brian did it and if you're thinking to yourself gee i wonder what sets catholic leaders apart from other religious leaders in a sexual way that would aggravate the problems of child rape and abuse.

It's because you're deliberately trying to pretend the answer isn't celibacy or you wouldn't have to ask the fucking question, right? I mean, as the commission puts it, quote, while not a direct cause of child sexual abuse, we are satisfied that compulsory celibacy for clergy and vowed chastity for members of religious institutions have contributed to the occurrences of child sexual abuse especially when combined with other risk factors and understatement they also point out that in addition to exacerbating the child rape thing it also contributes to quote emotional isolation

loneliness depression and mental illness end quote in the priests themselves right so as much as i love the idea of damning up the dedicated my life to religion tributary of the gene pool just doesn't seem like it's worth all the downside right yeah when all finger licking is forbidden someone's gonna bite off their thumb you know what i'm saying right or lick their thumb because that would be smarter if that was the rules but then rape a child well apparently yeah now i should take a second here to recognize too the plight of the australian taxpayer in all of this right this report took five years to compile and came with a price tag of 342.3 million dollars so the australian government just spent a third of a billion

taxpayer dollars showing tax-exempt catholic institutions 409 ways not to cover up child rape. Think about how many rights you could dangle in front of gay people with that, Australia. Jesus. Better uses. And in Gators news tonight, Pastor Adam Fannin had some advice this week for his congregation. If they ever get a quote, flaming foo, foo, fruit loop and quote for a waiter in a, yep.

In a sermon that reads like dear Abby was sent meth and a thank you card. Yeah. No. And I have to say, if you, if you're not familiar with pastor Adam fan and you have to imagine a guy who would look at a place anywhere,

but angrily explaining to a judge that it was on account of his culture and heritage. That's the vision you should have in mind. And look, I would like to write some jokes here. Unfortunately, all the funny in the universe has been taken up by Fannin's actual advice. So here we go. Quote, if you ever go to a restaurant and you sit down and then here comes this flaming foo-foo fruit loop right and you're like oh great i'm here to have a date night enjoy some time with my wife and i can't because of the lisps i can't even you know end quote sorry fucking interruption

interruption why can't he have a gay waiter? Like, is it food AIDS? Because I know he's not admitting like, oh God, that looks like so much fun. I hope I get to do the flag dance next year. So like, what does he want us to think bothers him about a lisping man? No, he made it clear. It's because of the lisp

and his consequent inability to even. No, I get it fair also even if you manage to get a hetero server from another section you gotta weigh that against the very large amount of cum you're about to eat some would argue that's even gayer i'm just saying you gotta you know weigh the risks gay chicken gets a whole new meaning. Anyway, he continues, quote, my recommendation, if you don't just get up and leave, my recommendation is just don't order anything. Well, here, let me get you a drink. No, just wait, just wait.

And you sit there patiently and you look around and you will find a lady that looks like a mom, that looks like a very diligent worker. You will find somebody that you notice that's busy that's doing stuff you say yeah that's the one right there you walk up to them and you say hey what's your name have we had you before can we get you over here i guarantee you it always works then you can enjoy your dinner and hey you better tip her well let that foo-foo know what he missed out on okay that's how you avoid a gay waiter end quote jesus yeah also helps to signal just how much of a hetero

christian man you are yeah like uh having testicles hanging off the back of your truck or matthew shepherd yeah the whole time i'm reading this thing i I'm just like, yeah, man, you know what? Just yelling fag at him would probably work, too. And in the end, you'd be less of an asshole. You wouldn't be taking up a seat in his fucking section. Also, Fruit Loops are great. What the fuck?

How is that? Where did that become a negative kind of? This is a fantastic cereal. Stupid, stupid way to say it. Taking it back. Taking it back. stupid stupid way to say it taking it back taking it back but i i have to admit i'm conflicted because this is the first time in history a christian has ever recommended tipping so that's good right right good as a former server i gotta say a married couple's date night is about as

appealing as a table full of rabbis so you know it know, my point is this is fine. It's all fine. I've concluded this is fine. You and your wife can have one glass of wine apiece in someone else's section. Order the pasta and try to fuck your babysitter. I got it. And in just give me

my fucking receipt news tonight, a new study from the Pew Research Center found last week that in the question between Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, the majority of Americans answered, Oh my fucking God, are we still going on about this pointless bullshit when too crazy people are playing nuclear chicken

and the government just passed the Kleptocracy Act of 2017? Are you fucking kidding me? Are we still pissing away valuable polling resources on this meaningless conservative boogeyman? Or, as the survey put it no opinion anyone else just picturing noah furiously scribbling what he just said in tiny print inside the bubble like the japanese guys at the rice yeah seems obvious but i kind of like the idea that lots of Christians were hearing happy holidays and just getting all mad. Yeah.

Be more specific or shut your vague whore mouth. I'm angry now. Now, to be fair to the relentless warriors for Christmas, of the minority of people who do care, the Merry Christmas folks beat out the happy holidays slash season greetings folks by a little more than two to one but that number has been steadily decreasing since pew started asking the question so the more these antiquated zealots freak the fuck out about it the less americans seem to care and that's a good sign yeah it's like anal the more you ask the cooler people get with it it's just like nope nope agree to disagree i don't know about that see now i should point out the same survey showed that a decreasing but still distressingly large percentage of americans believe the biblical christmas story reflects actual historical events so two-thirds

of americans do believe that jesus was born of a virgin but that's down from 73 just a couple of years ago and 68 still believe a star guided wise men to Jesus's manger. So I'd love to hear a goddamn one of them explain what that would even mean. It's like a cartoon rain cloud. Oh, I see. Yeah. Anyway, the important takeaway is that Americans are getting smarter. It's just that we started all the way dumb.

Imagine if Noah was a scathing Christian. I wonder what that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. Okay, sir. Your total will be $34.57. Great, thanks. Thank you.

Happy holidays. I'm sorry, what? What? Did you just say happy holidays Yeah You know happy holidays Oh I'm sorry Hanukkah was last week

What holiday could you be talking about Oh that's right Christmas If only there was some way to wish someone a happy Christmas In the popular vernacular Oh well happy holidays to you too then. Sir, I just meant that I wanted you to have a... Noah, did you get the dildo for Eli? Yes, yes, Heath.

I did get the dildo for Eli. Now let's see our way out. I don't think we'll be coming back to Dave's dildos anytime soon. Oh, sir. Good day to you, madam or whatever. Or should I say, Merry Christmas. Yeah, ma'am, I'm really, really sorry about him.

Also, I ate like four pairs of your edible panties. So what do I owe you for that? What flavor? Cloth? And speaking of awkward Christmas dildo purchases we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in i'm starting to feel like there's a finite amount of women's rights. And if we want to add some over here, we have to lose some over there.

Because at the same time we're seeing these massive outpourings of sympathy for women harassed and sexually abused by their supervisors, we've also got a federal government that has to be regularly reminded not to refer to us as the fair sex in official documents. But make no mistake, Weinstein effect or no, women's rights haven't been under this much threat in the U.S. since the Salem witch trials. For example, you remember that story from a few weeks back when the immigration service tried to force an underage girl to birth an unwanted baby? Well, it turns out that's not so much a one-off as a statement of general policy. We learned that this week when two more teenage girls had to instigate legal action against the Office of Refugee Settlement over the same fucking thing. Two girls identified as Jane Roe and Jane Poe, which kind of makes me assume they'd already used E through O, got an assist from the ACLU who argues that forcing these girls to prolong their abortions is not only

cruel, but increases the risk to their health once they finally do get the abortion. And keep in mind, it's not like the administration almost won that last case. The court made it very clear that they had no right to deny abortion access to immigrant girls. So they know they're going to lose. They are literally just making teenagers suffer. And I'd love to say i'm surprised by their callous disregard for basic humanity but when you put an anti-abortion zealot with no relevant experience in charge of the office of refugee settlement this is obviously what you were going for so yeah women's rights and lives are at risk when they want abortions but if you ask catholic priest paul keller they're not at risk enough. And that

brings me to my final story of the night. While taking calls on a Catholic radio call-in show, Keller got a call from a guy who installs fire alarms for a living. And this concerned Catholic wanted to know if Jesus would be mad at him if he installed said fire alarms in a Planned Parenthood clinic. Now, to his credit, Keller didn't wrestle with this question any longer than I did. The problem, of course, is that he got the answer wrong. He explained, quote, think about it if you were in Nazi Germany and you were asked by Hitler to install a fire alarm in one of those guard shacks right next to the ovens where they were killing the Christians and Jews, end quote. Now, he went on to explain that parenthood was actually way worse than the Holocaust, of course,

but that's the basic gist of his point. Even if you buy into his whole warped worldview where we're suffering through a nationwide genocide of sesame seed sized tadpole humans, you'd think that the would-be mother burning to death with said tadpole inside of her would still be worse than just getting an abortion. But maybe Father Keller just figures it's better if they get used to those flames early. And on that disturbing realization, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in our father issues news, the Christian belief system is an insane web of ignorance, bigotry, daddy issues, and logical contradictions.

We got a fun little glimpse into that web last week when Pope Francis went on Italian TV to explain how there's a serious problem with one of the words in the English translation of the Lord's Prayer, also known as the Our Father. And that's why the English speaking world is lagging behind everyone else. I mean, I agree. They should stop saying the Lord's Prayer. So, so

far, so good. I was really hoping he was about to unveil a rap version, you know, of George Carlin and Dogma. Like Beyonce's Lemonade? Just like that. Okay, so... At one point, she did something with music.

People seem excited. I don't like hip-hop. All right, so the lighting question says, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. And apparently the problem for him is the word lead, because that makes it sound like God might actually, you know, be an asshole who corrupts us if we don't ask him not to. But that's not how it works.

Oh, really? It's Satan who does stuff like that. Oh, yes, of course. You know, the lemon angel who turned evil that God created, who's allowed to hang out on Earth to fuck with all the people, the people that God created who aren't capable of not murdering each other every day. So point being, it all unravels if you don't fix the word leak. The logical system makes no sense if they don't fix that. So he wants a change to do not let us fall into temptation.

Oh, well, there you go. Right, because when you're omniscient and omnipotent, those are different, letting someone do something and leading them to something very different. And right after the announcement, by the way, Protestantism ended. So it turns out he was right. That was the problem all along. So apparently humanity's conduit to the God of the universe thought this was the best use of

his time last week. He's looking up at his to do list and he's like spreading the message of tolerance and charity. Right. Right. Cutting down on the kid raping. All right. Well, that's all going to have to wait for a little bit because the connotation of the verb they're using in the English version of the our father is making us sound like idiots. I'm going to go on a different language TV show. Yeah, right. It's been an entire hour-long special about that single clause of that one sentence. Way to go, Pope.

And entire irony to the face news tonight. Irony to the face news tonight. County clerk and ball-rogging training Kim Davis is up against some stiff competition for re-election in Rowan this year. That joke's hilarious. You'll get it in a second. Having cost the county $225,000 in legal fees, made them a national laughingstock, and shown herself to be a hypocritical slate-faced cunt, many believe that she could lose her position in the deep red county. But who she'll lose it to just got a whole lot more interesting.

All right. Well, the only way you compete with that resume in a deep red state, you'd have to be molesting underage girls. So, Josh Duggar, is that who it is? No, dude, he gave it away in the intro. It's Gandalf the Grey. Candidate

David Ermold. That's perhaps Al Ronda. He was in the intro. He's a local English professor, one of four Democrats running, but he also happens to be one of the gay couples she denied a marriage license to.

And sweet baby Jesus, please, please let this hag be unseated by the gay guy she wouldn't let get married. It would be like the witch from Hansel and Gretel dying of diabetes level of

ironic, and I need it. I need it. Also, I really hope Martin shkreli dies of aids yeah just oh yoigo it's a fun funeral eulogy starts okay you gotta admit though this is pretty good oh i got one i got one i hope donald trump gets a flesh-eating bacteria it's not analogous or anything. Just tossing it out there in case he still hadn't decided what to get me for Christmas. Are we allowed to just say our hopes on the show?

Because when I do that, you guys interrupt and then later on, it's not in the show. It depends on the hopes. It depends on the hopes. It doesn't depend. It never depends. I said a funny thing, everybody. There were beeps yeah i've said a funny thing everybody there were beeps but i said a funny thing anyway the election is early days and as i said rowan is a deep red county but here's hoping that don't vote for the candidate who literally refuses to do her job is

as convincing as don't vote for the pedophile. Is how we could hope. And in red and tooth and establishment clause news tonight, U.S. District Judge and ever so slightly failed palindrome Barbara B. Crabb, just lose the C, just lose the C and we've got it, upheld an earlier ruling last week that threatens to force clergy to pay taxes. Occasionally. The ruling seeks to strike down the parsonage exemption in the u.s tax code which allows pastors to deduct the cost of their rent of their church-owned houses from their taxable income even if they're a mega pastor

with a ten and a half million dollar 17 000 square foot mansion who still won't open his giant church to houston flood victims yeah so good step in the right direction but um joel osteen's still declaring his front teeth as dependents well and uh pretty sure they're also an epa mega site well i would certainly hope he's a net negative on taxes so now this all stems from a lawsuit filed by the ffrf there were attorneys pointed out that giving a tax exemption to a religious leader that atheists can't have is unconstitutional and since that needed to be explained they also went ahead and pointed out that humans can't breathe water round tires work the best and he will too come in your mouth now one way to tackle this problem of course would be okay would be by allowing

atheist leaders to also claim this exemption which which eli was very clearly really pulling for. Yeah! No, no, no. But since atheist leader is a stupid contradiction in terms, the judge instead ruled the whole practice unconstitutional. And this decision was appealed. But last Thursday, the ruling was upheld. Yeah. At which point the New York State Teachers Union delivered a giant bag of dicks to the Hasidic Jewish community. The note that said, go ahead and start sucking these whenever you get a chance.

Cool. Okay, cool. Counterpoint, Eli writes off his mansion because I am a beacon of this movement, you assholes. Get while the getting is good, damn it. Get while the getting is good. Now, of course, this... 400 square foot mansion. Now, this fight isn't over, obviously. Oh, you just wait till the mics are off.

This fight is not over. Well, I mean, hell, you haven't even seen any Fox News host hyperventilating about this yet. Now, Crabb ruled that the tax break was unconstitutional and had to stop. But she stayed the order for 180 days to both play out the appeals process and give pastors a chance to move into more reasonable sized houses so while i have a sneaking suspicion there are more chapters in this story as it stands right now we're six months away from winning this fight and finally tonight and you've lost that love and peeling news oh get ready for a lot of that it's gonna going to be fun. So my Google alert for Muslim banana porn paid off again this week.

Found some good stuff. That's also how I heard about Egyptian pop singer Shaima Ahmed and her recent conviction for eating a banana in her latest music video in a way that made Islamiclamic theocrats feel like the middle of my body sneezed but better it was really weird i don't know what happened

hey hey not just islamic theocrats i have that clip on repeat okay but the important takeaway here is that like look if a video where you treat a banana like a dick is enough to land you in jail the only question remaining is how to get ray comfort to egypt right are you a good person no so according to the authorities ms ahmed was guilty of inciting debauchery publishing an indecent film and amassing a very large dry cleaning debt. And in Egypt, the penalty for that stuff is two years in jail. Jesus. Yeah. Unless, of course,

you also stop being Muslim, in which case the government murders you with a rope. That's the rule for that. And I'm guessing they make you serve the two years in jail first, just for spite. Probably. Yeah. Point being, everyone in Egypt should fucking move. And then they should stop being Muslim. You just have to get it in the right order.

Just don't fly through Chad or Venezuela, that other hotbed of Islamic place. And you're welcome here in the U.S. Yeah, right. Exactly. Ms. Ahmed especially is welcome here in the U.S. I know an eligible bachelor who would happily green card her into this country if she's willing to order her own fries. I'll even split them once. Okay.

Well, all that being said, in fairness to Egypt, the video is straight up porn. It really is. It's all porn. Like if instead of her eating a banana, we saw literal cum flying through the air and landing on a face the video would actually been less sexual yeah it just it felt weird that everybody singled out the banana scene everything and like she sucked off a taco too that was pretty great yeah pretty sure any minute during this video she was going to get gangbanged by a large room full of male students who were all dressed up like

different village people for some reason. I don't know why. Except the Native American. The Native American was missing, which was kind of disappointing. Although I have a separate alert for that, so I guess I should have known. Question. The alert. Is it Native American porn or Elizabeth Warren

porn? Yes. I'd poke her on this. I'd poke her. Alright, so of american porn or elizabeth warren porn um yes i'd poker hunt this i poke it all right so uh really not supposed to do this but you know story's pretty special occasion yeah that's true all right so let's put 10 seconds on the clock compromise song lyrics about anti-islam blasphemy and banana dicks obviously go eli Go. Eli's so excited. Oh, yay. This is part of the show. Peel fatwa wherever you are.

From my fruit just got long. My heart will go on. You're supposed to stop doing this. This is like putting the guy who hates the CDC in charge of the CDC. That's the podcasting equivalent. I had an obvious one. Jesus Don't Take the Peel from the song by the same name by Banana Bosnick, obviously.

Oh, I like it. All right. How about Peel Like Making Love to Jews? It's an Islamabad company. Oh, I see. P-Like Making Love to Jews. And now that everybody's properly incited to debauchery, I guess we can close the headlines off for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Don't wake daddy. Used to be right there. When we come back, I'll introduce the C-segment. Okay, the Senate will now begin this hearing. James Falmore of the CDC is here. Dr. Falmore, thanks for joining us. Yes, I'm very happy to be here.

Thank you. Great, great. So tell us about your findings. Right. Yes, I'm very happy to be here. Thank you. Great, great. So tell us about your findings. Right, so as of 2017, our research into vulnerable populations that aren't as awesome as us has shown, with recourse to science-based... Mr. Falmore, a little decorum, please. No, you're right. Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean, real, real medicine. Individuals whose gender on their start on their.

Mr. Falmore, we have limited time. Can you please get through this? You know what? I'm just going to turn this over to our new spokesman, Eli Bosnick. Okay, Mr. Bosnick, go ahead. Hey, guys, how's it going? Yeah, queers have it easier when they get real stuff and bitches kill their babies less. Can we have some money?

See, there you go. Motion passed. Fetus. Whoa. Language, dude. Language. Fetus. Gentlemen. Hey, Andrew. How's it going? Merry Christmas. Hi, Andrew. Merry Christmas.

Eli, scotch. You know, after last year's jar of sneezes. Yeah, it's not scotch. Hey, Andrew. How's it going? Yeah, Heath just let me borrow one of his empty bottles That's my homemade Tootsie Roll juice Tootsie Roll juice? Homemade Tootsie Roll juice

Oh, oh, dibs on chair No, I want chair, I call chair No, stop Heath broke your chair It's fine, it's fine Gentlemen, how can I help? Well, I just want to run some paperwork by you and make sure we were good for the new year. Yeah, sure.

That's not a problem. Yeah, and we need to go over our operating agreement too. Right, of course. And my joke list. My joke list. And Eli has some jokes he would like you to look over. Okay. I thought

I was pretty firm about this, but he swallowed it and pooped it out in the car. He did. That's what happened. Oh, God. It was in a bottle. Don't worry. You can touch it. You should go to the hospital. I'll go to the hospital later. Read the list and have some Tootsie Roll juice. I made it. It's homemade.

Maybe in a minute. All right. No. No's homemade. Maybe in a minute. All right. No. No. No. Absolutely not. That last one is basically the textbook definition of a felon.

Oh, really? Because I thought it would be. No. No. All right. That's what I thought. So we're good. Thanks, Andrew.

Yeah. Thanks, Andrew. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Heath. Okay. So we're good. Thanks, Andrew. Yeah, thanks, Andrew. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Heath. Okay, what if I say hypothetically the best thing one could do is kill... No, no, still no. Just get in the car, dude. One more, one more. How about knock, knock, who's there?

Knock... 20. Okay, okay, ow, ow. Okay, fine. Fine. Goodbye, Andrew. Merry Christmas. Jesus. You know, that's not bad. Despite the pretty lights, jovial crowds, sappy commercials, and presents galore, when you're an atheist, there's still a lot to hate about Christmas. From government-funded nativity displays to propaganda-laden children's movies, there's almost nothing that, upon a second thought, isn't filled to the brim with religious assholery. But nowhere is this more subversive or insidious than the ubiquitous soundtrack.

perversive or insidious than the ubiquitous soundtrack. So this week, to get you in the grinchly spirit, we'd like to break down a tune so terrible that even Grandma Got Run Over With A Reindeer won't sit with it at lunch in a new segment called God Awful Music. And even though they never left because they're actually me using a voice modulator, in the name of season's greetings,

sitting to my right is my nice friend, Heath Enright. Heath, what do you want for Christmas this year? I want the Asa Akira flashlight. Mine broke again. I want the ass one. The ass one. And a flashlight, by the way. They're not actually flashlights.

Did you guys know that? Stupid. Making a flashlight, too. And, of course, sitting to my left is my naughty friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, do you want anything that we can air on the show this year? I want to fuck s*** right in her dirty asshole. I guess not. So tell us, Heath.

That's what I said when I tried to explain the First Amendment. The best! The best! No, that's going to be censored so they won't get it someday someday we'll get to tell that story oh we won't all right i guess not so tell us what will we be breaking down today all right we listened to christmas shoes by a band called new song it's the story of how we wanted to do a parody called Tiny Cancer, but then found out it already exists in Christmas form.

Yeah. And already included an incest pedophilia theme. These guys at New Song are way ahead of us. Yeah, ahead of their time. We're going to just review theirs. And Eli, how bad was this song? Well, if your God is an evil demon and the entire universe revolves around you you will love this christmas song there are christmas songs called father

christmas do not touch me and tiny tim wrote a christmas song called santa claus has got the aids and this is still the worst Christmas song ever. Still. So, all right. So let's get into it. I've got the lyrics right here. We're going to start off by setting the stage. It was almost Christmas time.

There I stood in another line, trying to buy that last gift or two. Not really in the Christmas mood. Okay, these rhymes can go fuck themselves. No, none of them. Nothing. Couldn't think of a solid rhyme for two new song dude jesus grumpy like a fucking jew you know what why don't we go with mood why don't we go with not a mood kind of just anything with an u will work okay moving on

standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously, pacing around like little boys do. Okay, I'm already confused. Why is this child Willie Loman? You're right. He's pacing in little zigzags in front of you like this is not Blockwell. Yeah, he is pacing like that. It's like a Koopa Troopa. The video is amazing.

And the guy in line couldn't be more of a child predator. It's a full grown man in a suit jacket and a baseball hat. And he's just leering at the kid and he's seeing him like a cartoon chicken dinner. It's gross. Oh, but it gets so much worse. Okay. And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old. He was dirty from head to toe. And when it came his time to pay i couldn't believe what i heard him say okay i mean i am curious why a child chimney sweep is in a payless i just hope that what he says is hey man i need a shower do you have a shower yeah but just for the record the kids dressed exactly like i am right now and at most times and about equal amounts of dirt smudge on his face the pedophile narrator is super judgmental yeah damn it all right so here's what the kid says in the lyrics sir i want to buy these shoes

for my mama please it's christmas, and these shoes are just her size. Creepy. Creepy. So creepy. Honestly, less creepy if he's buying her a dildo at this point. Well, and of course, the shoes that he's buying for her are her size. Who the fuck else's size would they be? Also, little kid, I want to let you in on a secret.

If you ever need to explain to the cashier why you're buying women's shoes, What size would they be? Also, little kid, I want to let you in on a secret. If you ever need to explain to the cashier why you're buying women's shoes, we all know you're going to fuck those shoes. Yeah. All right. But back to the lyrics because shit's about to get serious here. It goes on. Could you hurry, sir?

Daddy says there's not much time. Creepier. Creepier. Yeah. Daddy sent them out to my mom. New shoes quick before he beats her to death or something. Honestly, though, at this point, I thought it was more of a sci-fi incest

scenario. Take me there. I'll explain. She's already dead, and the dad needs to dress her up just right with the right shoes. And then the kid has to fuck the corpse because like a time portal is going to close that's that's where you guys are what were you guys you guys go you say what you were thinking oh oh oh i've got one no no actually i have more

lyrics we'll just keep going all right so the kid goes on you see she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile. Tiny cancer in my kids. My kids, I said. And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight. Because Jesus is judgy. He's got a foot thing. I get it. I get it.

So, hold on. So, mom's been dying and asking for death shoes uh-huh and dad's been like well maybe if you make it to christmas we'll think like the fuck christmas song is this okay but in just the shoes though because like right there aren't four other versions of this song about like a dress and a nice wig and a sporty fashionable jacket she's just gonna look like when a homeless guy finds a tie when she gets to heaven right oh yeah man you shit your pants but you found that tie in a garbage can please all right so the song goes on he counted pennies for what seemed like years. And if I'm behind him, I'm thinking, oh, fuck this kid.

I hope his mom dies before he gets home because he was counting all his goddamn pennies. Yeah. I am now fine with this kid's mom getting cancer. I hope she gives it to him. Like, let there be lifestyle. Rubs it on him and just a tumor grows out of his chin. Cashier's like, next. Just like the soup Nazii he gets skipped he practically is though because the song goes on then the cashier said son there's not enough here okay i

have been this cashier and i don't need i don't need new songs judgment all right yeah good fucking services charities down the street it goes on he searched his pockets frantically then he turned and he looked at me and i realized this was obviously how he wrestled up his crack money i mean come on fucking obviously if i'm that guy though i'm just gonna be like hey man you buy her some chocolates instead of you probably get to finish the chocolates yourself, kid. Like, think ahead. You can do it with those shoes. I mean, fuck them, I guess, but... He goes on. He said Mama made Christmas

good at our house, though most years she just did without. Tell me, sir, what am I going to do? Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes. So weird. Yeah, that's what she needs, shoes. I feel like Mom's lack of health insurance is a more pressing concern here, but maybe that's just me. Yeah, that's what she needs, shoes. I feel like mom's lack of health insurance is a more pressing concern here, but

maybe that's just me. Yeah, maybe mom should have bought some Bitcoin, fucker. And then just Martin Shkreli pops up behind the counter. Sorry, those are $750. Yeah, right. All right, so I laid the money down. I just had to help him out. And I'll never forget the look on his

face when he said mama's gonna look so great because that's what this kid was worried about right because that means that the kid was watching his dying mother and going man those shoes are fucking ugly though also uh kid didn't say thank you so So whatever. Yeah. Just focus on you and your mom. Asshole. So then we get the chorus and it moves on to this bridge. So this is where it all ties together on the bridge. I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love and he thanked me and ran out. I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me just what Christmas is all about.

That's why he killed the mother with the kids. And the rest of my life I lived knowing that that kid's mom would still be alive if I just found my holiday spirit sooner. Right? Well, I watched Love Actually twice

before we recorded just so God wouldn't give Heath Ball camp. You're all welcome. And it's much appreciated. Next scene, the kids at Dr. Kevorkian's office. Sir, I want to buy this syringe. And with that, a quick another chorus. The song wraps up.

So we'll wrap up as well. But don't worry. I'm sure we'll be back with God awful something because everything Christians do is terrible. Before we settle in for a long winter nap tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you haven't liked our Facebook page, there's all kind of new reasons to do so. We just brought on a guy who's helping us with social media. There's a lot more action on that page than there has been in the past. So definitely hunt us up. You'll find a link on the show notes.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 7 a.m. Eastern time

because Christmas don't slow down this fucking train. Also look for a brand new or newer episode of our half sister show, Citation Needed, on Wednesday at noon Eastern. Now, obviously, this wouldn't be an episode if i neglected to thank heath enright for eventually conceding that dreaming of a white christmas was about snow i need to thank the

lovely and talented lucid illusions for all the cool shit under the tree not sure what it is yet but i'm pretty sure it's awesome i need to thank the lovely in his own way eli bosnick for eventually agreeing to go with homemade tootsie roll juice for the skit with andrew i'm not going to tell you what he originally had speaking of which i also want to thank andrew for helping us out tonight also big thanks to anna bosnick for the jingleit with Andrew. I'm not going to tell you what he originally had. Speaking of which, I also want to thank Andrew for helping us out tonight. Also, big thanks to Anna Bosnick for the jingle. And a big thanks to Dan for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Found that one way in the back of my archives. I think he was probably pretty surprised to hear it.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. And since I can't tell which are new pledges and which are just people who are adjusting stuff because of Patreon's weird surcharge thing, I'm going to err on the side of caution and just list everybody. So here it goes. Justin, Megan, Barry, Steve, Scott, the woodworker, Walter, Jennifer, Leone, Karen, Michael, PC, James, Philip, Truck, Fump, Genevieve, Derek, Eric, Huub, Julie, Tamir, Chris with a K, Gene, Jody, Never Knows Best, Kevin, Butterfly, Bob, Regular Bob, Daniel, John, Andy, Bill, Agnes, McKinley, Dante, 255, Mark, Kristen, Daniel, Jeffrey, Shape of Thought, Tim, Benjamin, Nora, John, The Daily Circus Podcast, and Jillian,

whose IQs have so many digits they qualify as polydactyl. Together, these 47 people, podcast points, and political profanities prepared our prosperity by pouring pennies into Patreon this week and giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you're still trying to decide what to get us for Christmas, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time or recurring payment by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but for

fuck's sake, you just dropped over a grand on presents and shit, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show on social media, or tattooing an advertisement for us on your body. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music we used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scanningatheist.com. Are you like literally eating food while we're recording, Eli? No. I mean, I just, I mean, like we arrive having eaten as early on the list. Don't do that. You sound like you're going to yell at me. So the answer is no.

Jesus Christ. You hear him slurping shit, dropping dishes on the table and whatnot. All right. Just record some hype man stuff and we'll drop it in. Asshole. I haven't been introduced yet. Just organizing my Triscuits collection. You got to do that sometimes.

I got yelled at for eating my ramen, so it's just sitting there. It's good. I hope it falls. I hope Madge knocks it over. Don't you say that. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.