The Scathing Atheist - 256: Monson of a B1tc# Edition

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

In this week’s episode, we’ll try to scare you out of gay sex, we learn that Roy Moore's not anti-Semitic because he knows a self-hating former Jew, and by the same token, we learn that Noah and Heath aren’t anti-Semitic either. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To hear Noah (and friends) take on the new Star Wars movie with Host Seth Andrews, check out the Thinking Atheist here: http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/podcast/skeptics-on-star-wars-the-last-jedi Headlines: Mormon leader dies: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/03/obituaries/thomas-monson-dies.html Christian Radio host urges Christians to ‘re-horrify people about homosexuality’ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/05/christian-radio-host-we-must-re-horrify-people-about-the-sin-of-homosexuality/ Church forgives priest who stole half mil to pay gambling debts. Courts not so much: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/05/church-forgives-priest-who-stole-535000-but-judge-gives-him-prison-time/ P-Robes: No reason to fear Nuclear War with North Korea, because god’s busy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/04/pat-robertson-there-wont-be-a-nuclear-war-with-kim-jong-un-because-gods-busy/ God forgives Christian Congressman for sleeping with patients and paying for their abortions: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/06/christian-congressman-god-forgave-me-for-sleeping-with-patients-paying-for-abortions/ Paula White says got told you to give her a month’s salary or else: https://www.christianpost.com/news/paula-white-urges-followers-sow-first-fruits-offering-up-to-1-months-pay-or-suffer-consequences-212716/ Roy Moore’s Jew turns out to be Christian: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/05/roy-moores-jewish-attorney-has-been-found-and-hes-actually-a-christian/ This Week in Misogyny: Mormons focus on modest dresses at Golden Globes: http://religionnews.com/2018/01/08/mormons-miss-the-point-of-metoo-by-focusing-on-modest-gowns-at-golden-globes/ Fat guy in a red hat decries slutty Golden Golbes dresses: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/10/feuerstein-the-hypocrite-women-at-the-golden-globes-were-dressed-like-hookers/

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It's about fucking time. Hell yeah. And now, Scathing Atheist. Hello, this is John Emler from the point of beginning, East Liverpool, Ohio. And I'll be a monkey's uncle. We did evolve from filthy monkey men. Too bad it wasn't flying,

filthy monkey men. That would have been cool. It's Thursday. It's January 11th. And all things are passable through Christ. He's got good digestion. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

From New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we try to scare you out of gay sex. You learn that Roy Moore's not anti-Semitic because he knows a self-hating former Jew. And apparently we just found out that me and Heath aren't anti-Semitic either.

First, the diatribe. For thousands of years, men had searched for a magical potion to make their dick hard. And for just as many years, somebody was willing to sell them one. There were whole tomes of ancient wisdom cataloging the various remedies for the intractable problem of the perpetually deflated penis people traveled around the globe after hearing rumors of miracles and after millions of rhino horns were ground up and bull testicles were consumed not a single cock moved a single degree and then in 1996 some researchers with pfizer were like yeah it doesn't look like that blood pressure medicine is working we're gonna need them samples back and the entire male population of the human

trial suddenly forgot where they put them or something they guessed and in a lucky stroke or many lucky strokes i should say viagra was born i mean think about that on march 26th of 1998 guys whose dicks didn't work were climbing up mountain stairs in Asia, megadosing on oysters, aligning their chakras with hot yoga, all in the wild hope that some ancient ritual out there was going to wake up their dick. On March 27th of the same year, the FDA approved sildenafil and nonagenarians were fucking like rock stars because science. But imagine, though, imagine a world where it hadn't been science right imagine if the solution actually did come from chanting om with your legs crossed while you contemplated the sound of one hand clapping imagine that some guru out there actually hit on the spiritual equivalent of viagra you know something that worked just as well just as easily

had the same side effects or fuck it swap swap that out for the Western religious tradition. Imagine somebody discovered the one prayer that always made your dick work, but only if you were saved by Mormon Jesus. I feel like we'd all be Mormons the next day, wouldn't we? Or Hindus or Muslims or whatever it took to make our dicks work. And not just those of us with dicks that didn't work just or even just those of us with dicks we'd all be convinced because it was the one religion that had ever actually done a thing i mean you know apologies to the women in the audience for being so dick centric with my intro i talk about dicks because dicks are funny but i could have plucked any one of a million examples

any one of a million promises that religions made and sciences fulfilled and if any of the religions had lived up to any one of these we'd have all happily rallied to their banners if one single religion ever had the results of like the cochlear implant we'd all be tithing to those motherfuckers and yet here we all are comfortably not tithing to any damn body i've just been overwhelmed by this thought lately but a bunch of stuff online that i follow rang in the new year with lists of all the coolest shit that science achieved last year and all the cool shit that science is going to achieve this year. And if you just look at those lists and imagine somebody reading it at any point in human history before the scientific revolution. Right. I mean, you know, most of the shit would be stuff they couldn't possibly understand. Right. I mean, you know, most of the shit would be stuff they couldn't possibly understand. But if you could somehow go back to the like pre-science days and explain even a sampling of the miraculous achievement science would make in any given year, just pick one at random.

The people there would burn you at the stake because Jesus. But but if you could somehow fireproof yourself against their ignorance beforehand and you could present them with even the lightest taste of what science had to store for them, if they just put down their fucking dogma, every single person would throw away their saints before you finish the sentence. Look, the advancement of science is gradual. It's exponential, so it doesn't really seem all that gradual at this point. But the advance of science still is gradual, which is why you're inclined to hear me say every single person and scoff at it. Aren't you you're inclined to think well obviously not everybody would throw away their religion because you still have ye olde pat robertson and his merry band of analogous fuck muppets because it it's really hard for us to put ourselves in the position of the pre-scientific people that we'd be talking to

look i mean it's not like you'd be promising faster download speeds and unlimited talk and text we'd be offering them your child doesn't die of rickets we'd be offering a machine that does all the shit that hobbles them by the time they're 26 we'd be offering food abundance is so great that they have to try hard not to be fat we'd be offering them an extra 30 years of existence and twice the rate of children that survive past childbirth but of course we don't really need this mental experiment do we because that actually happened in history right at some point along the way we were offered the choice that we did choose science you know we kept religion hanging on as it desperately tries to morph and contract enough to fit into the diminishing

gap science leaves for it but we stopped choosing prayer over medicine a long time ago. And that's because results convince every fucking body. Religious people like to sell a world where people choose between competing realities. But that's an illusion that nobody living in the real reality needs to entertain. If one of the religions had prayers that worked, we'd all be that religion and we wouldn't even have terms for other religions. If one of the religions had prayers that worked we'd all be that religion and we wouldn't even have terms for other religions if one of them succeed in bringing us solace or making us better people or making us fear death less even we would all use the same fucking religion but alas none of them work none of them do anything they promise even as their promises get ever less

grandiose gone are the days when religion would promise to cure the blind and the lame and offer us deep insight into the nature of the heavens. They've replaced those promises with shit that's ever less impressive and ever more vague while all the important shit gives way to the casually miraculous world of science. You know, science gave us all the shit religion promises us and science never asked for fealty. Hell, science will let you use orbiting satellites to tell people the Earth is flat. All science ever asked for in return is that we live longer, enjoy a larger percent of our lives, and not burn them at the stake. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Larry and Curly to my Moe, at least in terms of hair amount. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to slap some stick? Okay, let me just finish this cookie before we play again. Cool. I still think it's weird that you play alone. Can I give you those feedbacks? It'd be such a good got milk commercial right now. Quick, before we fill in any of the blanks for people innocent enough not to get that one, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron.

Eli, we're going to miss the movie. Dude, what is taking so long? Hey! Hey! Sorry about that, guys. Just getting ready. Hey! Dude, what are you wearing?

We do not have time for this. We're going to miss Pitch Perfect 3. Oh, these? These are my body weights. They're my New Year's resolution. I figure, great way to lose weight in the New Year would be to just, you know, wear extra 20 pounds or so of dumbbells on my body. I'll be fit in no time.

I don't think that that's a reasonable way. Whatever, it's fine. Let's go. Come on. PB3, PB3. Heath, Eli, I don't think that that's a reasonable expectation for trying to be healthier in the new year. I mean, what else am I going to do, Noah? Other than strap dumbbells? For starters, why not try Blue Apron?

Blue Apron? Yeah. Yeah. For the next eight weeks, Blue Apron is teaming with Whole30 to bring you delicious recipes. Their menu will feature two Whole30 approved recipes each week, like Mexican spiced barramundi with avocado, togarashi chicken lettuce cups with avocado and kale and sweet potato salad. Well, that all sounds like really delicious and good for you. Yeah. Right. So I guess there's never been a better time to give it a try. you yeah right so i guess there's never been a better time to give it a try okay but no these these weights were pretty expensive i don't want to well that's okay blue apron is treating the scathing atheist listeners to 30 off their first order if you visit blueapron.com scathing so

you're telling me i could check out this week's menu and get $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash scathing you sure can okay i'm convinced blue apron a better way to cook if you guys make me late for pp3 i will stab you in the heart let's go heath the movie isn't for three hours i want good seats and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight ceo of mormon co thomas s monson in the first act of true altruism of his life gave me a 10 spot in my celebrity death pool last week by keeling over at the ripe old age of 90 monson served as the president of the lds church for just under a decade beginning in February of 2008 because he was 80 and they literally just give that job to the oldest fucker in the room. Yeah well that makes sense since like ability to not call bullshit for a

really long time is the sole requirement of the job. In his tenure of course Monson presided over the largest exodus of church members in mormon history cemented the mormon reputation of homophobia for a new generation and excommunicated dissenters with a fervency of a saudi prince yeah he's like he's like mormonism's joppa he's a lot like that actually yeah and i guess uh warren jeffs is there sandusky right i mean there's a lot of sorry two centuries worth of warren je. Yeah, there you go. And BYU's football team isn't even that good. It's a giant waste. So Monson, who got his start as the secretary

for a state organization of pigeon breeders, which is a real fact that I didn't even have to make up. Really? Yes. But then he really got a taste for hating gay people when he started serving on the National Executive Board of the Boy Scouts of America in 1969. Before ascending to the church's top office, he served on the Quorum of Twelve Apostles and invested his efforts teaching Mormonism to islanders in the South Pacific and Soviet Russia because other people had access to information by then. Yeah, future president of the Mormon church is switching baby switching baby einstein cds with the book of

mormon audiobook to the same exactly right that's their new strategy of course outside of the mormon bubble monson is mostly known for doubling down on the church's antiquated fear of gayness despite the church's policies of political neutrality and the tax code one of his first acts i think everybody comes in the policy is i'm like yeah that's the law too anyway one of his first acts i said they think everybody comes in the policy is i'm like yeah that's the law too anyway one of his first acts as the church's president was pending a notorious letter to mormons in california urging them to donate their money and their time to supporting prop 8 that was the 2008 anti-gay marriage referendum in california he also threatened to cut the church's funding for the boy scouts if they stopped hating gays enough

and in 2015 he presided over a new church policy that banned the children of gay couples from church membership until they turned 18 and then only under the condition that they like publicly disavowed their parents and their lifestyle okay but to be fair the mormons were the only ones not in the bar mitzvah sweet 16 market and they had to come up with something just for them right hey fun pinata party just curious though what does strange fruit mean just your turn you go and by the way if you think my obituary was a little harsh there check out the one in the new york times not much more complimentary. Or don't bother with that. Just check the online petition where 50,000 Mormons are trying to make the Times rewrite it

to de-emphasize what a fucking bigot this guy was. Hilarious. Remember when the New York Times was like, no, we don't want to be, but now they're like, so this asshole's dead? Patooey is what we write out, but you're getting the spit saying, right? We're spitting. That's what we write out but you're getting the spit sing right we're spitting that's what we're saying a new game everybody we're all wolves now

and in spook hockey news christian radio host and mission america founder linda harvey took to the airwaves this week to bemoan the fact that not enough Christians are afraid of homosexuality. Or as one might call it, homophobic. Yeah, we have a term for that. Although, it sounds like she's looking for more rational fear of gay people. Well, right.

Like how they're stealing all our verbs, like marry and buy stuff and to be. But to be existing. But to be fair, if we could mix Linda Harvey's advice with Eleanor Roosevelt's, all the Christians would have to do

a different gay person every day. So on her radio show, speaking with her guest, Peter LaBarbera, Harvey, who is too old to be pregnant, but somehow always looks three months done, postulated that, quote, homosexual clubs

and schools are just red flags for predators end quote which i must say i agree with i mean back in my day we called it a drama club and it was all in the dm you tell them linda i get it well see when i was in school we called them churches i mean the red flags for fucking predators i'm sorry linda a lot of pedophile predators is a reason to shut something down all of a sudden you sure about that she goes on to wonder how we can re-horrify people about the sin of homosexuality saying quote people are becoming so comfortable with this even people on our side we need to re-horrify them end quote what the fuck it's like dear kkk have you not been hearing my dog whistle here's a regular whistle one two three

go whatever i gotta fucking say love linda go it actually gets better because then la barbara responds that homosexuality is a very trendy sin right now. Oh, trendy. And to be fair, I mean, this week's Golden Globes, everyone was wearing the latest penis or vagina. So you've got a point. Either way, I think it's time for some... Gay Horror Stories.

Gay Horror Stories. And that's when the police told him that the creepy grinder messages were coming from inside the bar. And then, when they got home, hanging on the door of the car was the severed hand of that

straight girl who only pretends to be gay for attention at parties. But when he showed up at the old woman's house, she wouldn't stop deadnaming her kid, even though they hadn't been named that for 20 years. They hadn't been named that for 20 years. This has been The Horror Story. There you go, Linda. Enjoy.

Well, like a truck rally. We're reaching out. It's all Mormon peace there now. And in Jesus Take the roulette wheel news tonight Monsignor William Dombrow will go to jail for 8 months after being convicted this week for being too honest about

what a church does sorry typo typo for stealing $535,258 that should have gone to the needy. Yeah, sorry. Okay, okay. Good precedent. I like it. So $80 billion in lost revenue last year from religious exemptions

divided by $535,000. So that's about $150,000 times worse than Dombrow. $150,000 times 8 months. That's 1.2 million months. About 100,000 years. Okay. So religion is about 100,000 years in jail. Based on just last year

just in the United States. It's good to have some math. Yeah, exactly. By the way, I will steal the fuck out of half a million dollars if it's 8 months in jail I'm looking it at the other end of this. But I just want to point out that like when Willie goes to this, he goes to jail. But when FEMA does it, it's just federal policy and nobody gives a shit about it. So Dombrow, who served as the rector for a retirement home for elderly priests,

stole the money for concert tickets, fancy meals and lavish vacations according to the prosecution but his defense claims he spent it on the people he was helping so well he was helping pimps coke dealers and resort owners who needs jesus more than them lawyer yeah well there you go well i mean look by definition the people you spent the money on were the people you were helping. I mean, those people might be you, but that's one of them always true type statements. I like it. I like it. I'm keeping that in mind.

What seemed to surprise the judge most in this case was the fact that Dombrow's church and the head of his archdiocese don't fucking care at all the judge actually said quote what happened here is that someone with a weakness took great advantage of the generosity of countless people and saw an opportunity to fund a lifestyle and to a certain extent an addiction with other people's money end quote not adding i mean i know we're all thinking at least it wasn't kid fucking but he wouldn't be in jail at all then so come on right yeah so to paraphrase the actual quote um so all he did was priest he just priested he priested all over the fucking place either way dambro will spend almost an entire school year in prison for stealing half a million dollars and has been ordered to repay the money. But

one can't help but think of the old expression. If you rob a thief, is it really stealing? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Agree to disagree. Nope. Okay, moving on. In anal P-robes news, host of the

700 Club and Confederate statue of Elmer Fudd that got melty from all the tiki torches, Pat Robertson is still alive. That's the headline. He's still alive. His face looks like it's going to trap the mosquito that leads to Jurassic Park,

but he's still alive. And that means we got to hear his advice about how to avoid nuclear war last week the answer we just need to keep god busy what keep god busy with like paperwork i guess gay marriage licenses and stuff i don't know i mean to be fair i get it we got a bonus episode this weekend again i have a blog due I find my world ending plans have hit the back burner

that's right world you have our patrons to thank for your continued existence so if you're a fan of the world keep Eli busy by going to patreon.com slash scathing also by the way if you type in we need to keep

God busy spell check is going to be like hey man you sure you don't mean dog instead of god because that's crazy spellcheck saw me write that down so i'm gonna write that idea from pat robertson and it was like wow that's fucking stupid please tell me that's dyslexia right just the paper clip slowly moving towards you out of the screen it looks like you're writing a screen would you like to smear this in your own feces i'll help you with that okay so here's the exact words from the p-robes. Quote, I don't think we're going to have a nuclear war. I don't think that God Almighty is going to allow that to happen to this world. I think there are too many

other important things to be done spiritually, and I just don't think it's in the Lord's plan for this world. But if he has to take out Kim Jong-un in order to accomplish that, that's what will happen. But I just don't think we're going to have a nuclear war. End don't know god strikes me as more of like a george r martin type you know spoiler alert for the bible like he set it up he already killed a bunch of people already

jumped the shark by bringing someone back from the dead i think god's just out of ideas you know what i'm saying oh another similarity neither of them will exist when the end of their story is written brandon sanderson just has to finish the universe fucking every time no one buys my books but i just gotta fucking finish everybody's shit you know what time was so boring yeah so point being uh don't worry god's all about nuclear non-proliferation, apparently. Well, actually, he's all about the opposite, but he's way too busy right now to have an actual nuclear war happen. God is too busy. The omnitemporal guy.

Yeah, he really needs to focus on work right now. We've got to power through a few more conventional holocausts before we do any nuclear holocaust. It's not us, it's him. He's busy. Yeah, right. He's just in a single place right now. We've got to power through a few more conventional holocausts before we do any nuclear holocaust. It's not us, it's him. He's busy. He's just in a single place right now. And while we consider the very real possibility that this is just P-Robes recounting his end of a messy breakup

with God, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. A cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud what she was. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. You know, it's a damn shame that all the talk after the Golden Globes was speculation about Oprah running for president.

And not just because that was a horrible fucking idea. fucking idea. Oh my God, people, the problem with having an inexperienced, incompetent, conspiracy theorist, billionaire TV personality running your country is not that we picked the wrong one. But the less existential bummer about it was that it detracted from what should have been the takeaway. The message was clear, concise, and poignant. Time is up. It's time for the patriarchy to die and the world to move on. Of course, there was backlash from the religious universe that was every bit as clear and concise. And that was that they do not move on. Because while actors and activists at the ceremony were talking about gender equality and recognizing women for their contributions rather than their boobs,

the religious folks were sitting home fretting over the devil's cleft they could see above their necklines. For example, astute listener Haley sent me a story from Religion News about the Mormons just proudly not getting it. See, women attending the awards were wearing black to protest the culture of silence that allows harassment and sexual abuse to go unchallenged. But the official magazine of the Mormon Church was more concerned about whether they were wearing enough black. In a profoundly tone-deaf article from the LDS Living Magazine, Danielle Wagner praises this year's ceremony for its unusually high number of modest dresses, adding, quote, While we understand modesty encompasses so much more than merely what you wear, we wanted to compile a list of some of the stunning modest dresses to demonstrate that style does not have to jeopardize modesty to be fashionable end quote now eventually they updated the article to at least mention that the reason for the somber dresses was a protest against sexism but they didn't delete any of the sexism so it wasn't exactly a correction but of course not everybody is as polite in their misogyny as the mormons take, for example, Fat Guy in a Red Hat, who took to YouTube to point out that if those actresses didn't want to be sexually harassed, they shouldn't dress

so slutty. Or, in his words, quote, 70-80% of them dress like hookers, adding, quote, their chest or cleavage was all over the place, end quote. No, Josh, that was your cleavage. You were seeing your own cleavage because it's always in the lower periphery of your vision. It's that was your cleavage you were seeing your own cleavage because it's always in the lower periphery of your vision it's that thing your lower chin rests on because you look like you think your cellulite is a turtle shell and you're in danger so yeah time's up and that's a good thing but unfortunately religion has a tendency of lingering on way after its time is up and on that depressing note i'll hand things back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in hypocritic oath news tonight question what's the first word that comes to mind when i

say christian fail uh sandwiches okay uh good answers uh okay well one good answer and one universal constant the one that congressman scott de jale is looking for this week is forgiveness specifically for being a giant steaming pile of hypocrisy who was elected to a second term in spite of the fact that he appears to have heard it was opposite day in 2005 and never stopped playing. Okay, hold on a second. He's a Christian congressman and he's a hypocrite. I can see why this made the headlines. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, Eli, everyone makes mistakes. Surely a little forgiveness is a good thing.

And to you, I say, an apology only means something if you stop stabbing people. Debatable. It depends on what you're apologizing for. Right. Exactly. Or in the case of the congressman, you probably don't get to be, quote, pro-life and proud, end quote, after you are caught and admit to having sex with your patients and then pressuring them into getting abortions that you pay for. Wow. Yeah.

Well, I mean, at least he's being eugenically responsible. That's something. Yeah. Eugenics is the positive spin you can put on this one. Now, again, by the congressman's own admission, while practicing as a doctor he had sex with multiple patients while he was married who he then pressured into having abortions which he paid for like a gentleman i got this beb i got this you just leave the tip and we're good and while you'd think that would be enough to put him out of office he's from tennessee and of course jesus forgives him well double yeah no i get it though i used to live in tennessee most of the

voters there are going to the ballot thinking man i wish somebody had aborted me he's like the father that they wanted you know i get it i get it so you know roll tide of fet. Do you think that's Tennessee? I am. Yes. He was making a reference to the national champions. Yes. Of baseball. Either way, the point is, when everyone finds out my secret files, I'm running for Congress.

Below the Bible bet. Yeah, right. Getting some of that Jesus forgiveness. And you could work for Roy Moore. And in white privilege news tonight televangelist and urukai homecoming queen paula white is urging her followers to yeah right right think about it for a second it's just fairly natural uh anyway she's urging her followers to give all their money to her or else in a cash grab brazen enough to make Patreon blush, Trump's spiritual advisor called for a first fruits

offering from her followers. Which is like a tithe with an extra zero. Okay. Just once, I want one of these people to wear a bandana. Is that too much to ask? A bandana over the face? Oh, yeah. I thought you were wishing she'd get cancer.

That too? Okay, question. Fun little. I thought you were wishing she'd get cancer. That too? Okay, question. Is it legal to send Paula White a bag of cash that explodes paint in her face and ruins the bills? Can you do that? I'll check with Andrew about the sending explosives in the mail protocol. Okay, good. Way ahead of you guys. Way ahead of you guys. everybody should do that for all prosperity

if we find out it's legal yeah right right get on that shit andrew all right so during a televised sermon on sunday she called for the first fruit donation explaining quote the difference between tithe in first fruit first fruit is all of it end quote all of what well paul is glad you asked quote if you want to bring god all one day's salary one week salary or one month salary well that's between you and god i try to bring a month's salary end quote oh so it's like those depressing this is the age you need to start saving by articles except you're throwing it into the garbage instead. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Just like one of those. So on our website, White really digs in with an explanation of all the groovy miracles God has in store for you if you give her one twelfth of your annual income in addition to the 10% you're already supposed to give her. 35 cents per post. addition to the 10 you're already supposed to give her 35 cents per post so uh first fruits she explains quote supernaturally unlocks amazing opportunities blessings favor and divine order end quote also upgrades your weapon damage surprise she didn't mention that but she's not all carrot here she also ominously adds quote when you don't honor it through ignorance or direct disobedience there are consequences end quote adding consequences and finally tonight in jew eris demonstratum news we have a follow-up on a recent story about unemployed alabama politician

roy moore and his wife kayla holding a press conference to prove they don't hate jewish people which is a lot like taking the stand in your own murder trial that's happening because you're a nazi and murder the jewish anyway in case you missed it kay, Kayla Moore thought it would help if she announced, we have an attorney who's a Jew. She was incorrect. It did not help. And no, they don't. Yeah, we're all friends. Yeah, this story is the political version of eating your dog's shit so that guests don't know it's pee pad trained.

Or trying for that and accidentally eating the cat's shit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. or or trying for that and accidentally eating the cat's shit yeah exactly yeah okay so yeah there were several fantastic results of this whole thing most importantly it might have helped contribute to roy moore's narrow loss to democrat doug jones in the alabama special election for a u.s senate seat although knowing alabama it actually might have gained votes for i don't i don't feel like claiming to have touched a Jew helped him at all. Either way, a

fundamentalist Christian Republican lost an election in Alabama to a Democrat, which, that's like losing a pull-up contest against me, whoever you are, anytime, anywhere, because you did negative one pull-ups.

You just immediately fell down and shat yourself and vomited. More than me. More than you did. And that's why you lost. I thought we said we weren't announcing the results of our two-man Olympics on air, Heath. We said that those results... Okay, well, you shouldn't have insisted that half and half counts as an energy

drink. I feel like that's your fault. Calories are energy. By the way, Eli and Heath pull-up contest slash scat porn is our newest Patreon. You can help make that happen. Sorry, we really got fucked by that money grab that they did. We sure did, everybody.

We lost a pretty big chunk of money there. I gotta throw them in where I can now. Just really. I mean, it's fun, but it's not fun mean it's fun but it's not it's not i'll drive for uber doesn't have a doesn't have a car it's okay i'll talk to my friends over at the dollop yes another amazing result after kayla moore's big announcement was the investigation that followed. After hearing the claim, a journalist named Liz Brody was like, OK, well, I'm going to go find their Jew. Because there's no way we're getting the whole story on this.

I love her so much. And the only Jewish lawyer she found that they could have been talking about that made any sense was a guy named Richard Jaffe. And it turns out that jaffe actually campaigned and voted for doug jones right right and by the way he's a criminal attorney they hired when their son got in trouble once i mean he's not a guy who worked on the campaign in other words they only hired a jew when they needed somebody who knew shady right but uh it actually gets even better here's the latest development. When the news about Jaffe came out and further embarrassed the Moore family,

they responded by claiming that they were actually talking about a different lawyer. His name, allegedly, is Martin Wischnacki. And according to Kayla Moore, he's a genuine Jew, I guess. But it turns out people can check on the stuff you say which you should have already known from the first thing and mr wichnotsky is actually a messianic jew which means a jewish person who found jesus and stopped being jewish also known as a christian yeah that would be the other term that we use for that. Tons of Jews made it out of the Spanish Inquisition just fine. We even gave some of them T-shaped jewelry, y'all.

T-shaped jewelry. Well, and of course, when this came to light, Kayla Moore added, okay, okay, well, he's not all the way Jew, but close enough that we make him wait in the foyer. This whole story makes me so happy. Let's just bask in the schadenfreude for a second. Schadenfreude. So good on my skin.

Okay. So, I mean, it's ridiculous. Kayla Moore might as well have said, our best friend is a black guy who's not a pedophile. And it turns out she's talking about michael jackson in 1975 it's like the worst excuse ever uh speaking of which let's put 10 seconds on the clock just for fun worst phrasing by a bigot for an excuse about not being a bigot go okay um i can't hit gay people i'm secretly gay that That's every Republican ever. Yeah, no, I've heard that one. It said coolest monkey in the jungle.

That's a compliment. That would be that barista that used to work for H&M. What about my Uncle Tom is black. All right. Well, with the riddle of Roy Moore's Jew finally put to rest, I guess we can hop back in the mystery machine and find ourselves another caper heath eli thanks as always going on vacation yes you are and when we come back there will be sound effects

when in fact you were the one in the wrong line after all. Hey, Noah. What you doing? Oh, hey, Eli. You know, all that talk about New Year's resolutions early in the episode got me thinking, so I'm writing hate mail to all the people that wronged me. This one is for a lady who cut in front of me in a line at Potbelly's in 1993. Cool. Cool. If you don't mind me saying,

that sounds a little expensive and time-consuming, you know? Oh, no, not at all. I've got stamps.com. Stamps.com. Isn't that just for, like, giant companies that shift stuff all the time, though? Not at all, man. Stamps.com brings us all the amazing services

of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage for any letter or package, any class of mail. And then you let the mailman pick it up. No leaving the office, no more lugging mail to the post office, no more hassle.

Okay, but still, mailing all those letters, and is that a package? That looks like a box. Yeah, there's several. Some people are getting old pieces of wood and animal droppings along with the letter. Oh, okay. Well, that has to be pricey, right?

No, not with stamps.com. Stamps.com has postage discounts you can't get at the post office, not to mention it's a fraction of the cost of those super expensive postage meters. But all the time and the effort just to get back at people. I'm telling you, Eli, stamps.com makes it easy. Stamps.com sends you a digital scale that automatically calculates exact postage

so you'll never overpay or underpay for postage again. Plus, you can create your stamps.com account in minutes online with no equipment to lease and no long term commitments. Noah, I know stamps.com is amazing. We use stamps.com because it's the best way to send out our Patreon rewards right from my desk. And right now, our listeners can enjoy the stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale.

I mean, if they're ready for a happier new year, they can go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, and then enter scathing. Okay, well.com and then enter scathing. Okay, well then what's the problem? It just

seems a little mean and crazy. You know what? Now you're getting a note too. I'm putting you on the bottom of the list. My whole life is in it. What? Nothing. Dear Eli, it's pronounced chimera stamps.com postage on demand as we get so close to the end of the book of Mormon that we don't want to stop to eat

because we can eat when we're done with this shit and then never have to read it again, one starts to wonder, what has it all been for? The laughter? The tears? The downright Herculean effort to be more anachronistic than a flat earther? Whatever the case, we're here to guide you through it all with Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. Literally everyone died, remember? What the fuck else could one possibly write about in a book where all the characters are

dead? He's got a point, Joe. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, wait, can we hear him? No, but we've only got a couple more of these, and Eli's getting, like, super meta. Oh, good, good. Anyway, he's right.

Everyone's dead, remember? Well, what about those other plates? Other plates? Yeah, the ones that were found by the people of Limhi during the days of King Mosiah. The pizza bagel guy? God, I see that were found by the people of Limhi during the days of King Mosiah. The pizza bagel guy? God, I see what you mean by super meta. I am Ether, descendant of Corianter, son of Moron,

son of Ether, son of Aha, son of... Wait, sorry. Moron is the name? Okay, so I was thinking we'd do like a little bit where moron has like the big southern accent. And you're like voting for Trump, y'all. Come on, that's so done. Yeah, but it's what people think of when they think moron, right? So when people think moron, they think of my wife's accent? Retracted.

You're damn right retracted. Okay, like what about just a broad, you know, like, duh, duh, duh kind of voice? Uh, that feels ableist. Really? Cool, yeah. Hey, everybody, kid fucking is worried about ableism, so we need to be more sensitive about what we say from now on. Oh, I'm sorry. How about we just call him Retardy the Retard then?

A little theme song then? Guys, guys, guys. No, no, I think there's a moron we can all get behind here. I am Corey Antimer, and I am his father, Moron. I deem the Oxford comma unnecessary. The worst. You're the worst. Son of Cib, son of Oriha, son of jared who is the guy this story is actually about

jared you alone have pleased me here at the tower of babel and thus i will not change your language wait but you're still going to change everyone else's language? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, no, I guess that's not super useful for you. No, not really. Yeah, no, okay, all right. So what I'm going to do is you and your family will keep their language. Wait, but, like, everyone didn't get their own private language at the Tower of Babel, right?

Like, they all speak the same language as some people. Isn't that how the story goes? I'm pretty sure that's how the... You know what, never mind. Just get your family and leave. You mean like, everyone else did at the end of the story of the Tower of Babel?

Yes. Okay, got my family together. Anything else I need to grab before we head out on the big... Yes, as a matter of fact, you need to get a male and a female from each of your flock. Okay, good thinking, actually. I probably need one or two sheep. Also, one of each kind of seed on Earth. Sorry, one of each kind of seed on Earth.

Yep. Cool. Okay, great. Yeah, let's just set that right over there. And hey, Alan? Yeah, Jared. What's up? Are these the Kentucky bluegrass seeds or the lawn grass seeds?

Those are actually the perennial ryegrass seeds. Okay, so then they should be under L, right? Well, no, I thought because, you know, perennial. No, no, we're going by genus, and the genus is lolium. Get your head in the game, man. Head in the game. Stupid. Million different types of seeds.

I'm sorry, what? Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. That's what I thought. And stop eating the sunflower seeds. Which one? All of them.

All several thousand of them. Okay. God, I got, I got all the seeds. Great. And now you should grab some fish, too. Some fish? For my walk through the desert? Yep. And one of each kind of bird on Earth. A male and a female, of course. Got it. Fish and birds. Dicks and pussy birds. Got it. No problem. And bees. Don't forget all the bees. He's going to forget the bees.

And so it came to pass that Jared and his family did load all the fish, seeds of earth, and male and female birds onto barges, which they rode down rivers to the ocean. Seriously? That cannot be what it's... Yeah, nope. That's what it fucking says. Hey, God, I hear you're mad at my brother, who we never named? Hmm. God, are you mad at my brother? I just don't know why he never asks about me. I don't like the phone.

Too soon. Okay, you're going to sail to the new world, but you'll need magic boats. Hey, Joe? What? So, about the descriptions of the boats. Yeah, what about them?

So, okay, light as a duck. Obviously, right. Long as a tree. Clearly. Right. Obviously, right. Long as a tree. Clearly. And then you got a bunch of descriptions of it being as tight as Mary Henderson's ass. Like a bunch.

Yes, I do. I was just thinking maybe we could use any other description of tightness instead. Really? Because it's tight. Fine. How about tight as a dish?

Dish? Tight as a dish? Yeah, it's that or it's Mary Henderson's ass. Take a pick. Okay. Tight as a dish it is. Tight as a dish. They'll get it.

Hey, God? Oh my God, what now? Okay, well, we loaded up the boats with all the stuff. All right, are they tight as a dish? Sure, but there's no air or light in there. And I was just wondering... Oh, yes oh yes right do humans still need air yeah yeah despite what republicans will tell you humans still need air okay all right well then um i got a poke a hole in it in the in the boat yeah mean, what do you want, windows? Yeah, that would be stupid.

This conversation actually happens in the book. It really does. Just like this. This is not going to work. Listen, dude, just follow my lead. All right, fine. Oh, man, these rocks sure are cool, Jared's brother. I bet God could never make these glow-in-the-dark, Jared's brother.

Yeah, never. Never be able to do that. I'll show you. See? Glow-in-the-dark rocks. Boom. Okay. I still think we should have gone with blowjob rocks.

Lou, Lou, Lou. Just looking for some mouth-shaped rocks. Hey, Jared's brother. Oh brother oh hey jesus what's up hey just you and me all alone huh yeah yeah i guess so i was just uh so tell me you want to see my finger um i i don't i don't really no come on it's just my finger? Um, I... I don't. I don't really. No. Come on. It's just my finger. And I'm like, God, nobody's gonna know. And you'll be like, oh my gosh, I saw God's finger.

It'll be cool. Okay. Okay. Sure. Ooh, there's my finger. You wanna see some other parts of me? Hi there. Moroni here. Um, you'd think this book would have a lot more about Jesus revealing his true form, but it doesn't. Uh, and it has nothing to do with the fact that we don't

want Jesus to get kicked out of Hollywood. It's just not in the book. Okay. Well, don't tell anyone about any of that or I'll send you to hell. Okay, how am I going to write the book then? Oh, right. There's the book, the plates. You can tell them in code. You want to see my finger again? No. Boo. You're no fun.

Also, Joe, it's Moroni again. Hi. I'm Moroni, not you. Want to remember, pick up eggs from the store. Mary Henderson's working today, and she is just... Sorry, right. And so it was that Jared and his family did load all that shit from before into their wooden submarines and sail the submarines for 344 days

in the near-complete days in the near complete darkness. Okay, my turn. I spy with my little eye something green. Is it the rock again? The rock again? Yes. Until they arrived in the new world and did propagate the land with their people. Oh boy, all that being cooped up in a boat for almost a year with my own shit sure did make me horny.

I'm ready to have some babies. Plus with that rock just staring at you the whole time, right? Dude, you got a rock thing. You've got a rock thing. a rock thing. You've got a rock thing. My children, gather around for I am old and we must count our people. Boring. No.

Oh, okay. Um, then we must choose who will be king when I am gone. Not it. Call it. Oh, fuck. There you go. Orihor's king. Sucks to suck. Damn it. And then there's just like 20 pages of king kidnapping.

Right? Yeah, I have no idea how we're going to make that entertaining. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of drama filled. Maybe we could do it like, you know, like as a fake soap opera. Oh, or it's like an action movie or romantic opera. Or as like an action movie. Or romantic comedy. Or This week on The Mormon and the Restless.

So, Korihor, it turns out that you're evil and you've kidnapped the king. My son. Yes, I have. But you should know that while he was in prison, he had a son.

It's true. I'm Cib Sung Shul, and I'm here to free my father. But I've been hiding a secret. Your son is about to kidnap my son. Okay, okay, my turn. You Esram? Who's asking? I hear you were the crackest shot with an anachronistic steel sword

this side of the Mississippi or whatever river we're supposed to be near. Okay, well, I don't, uh, I don't do that anymore. I don't have that life anymore. It's Jared, Esram. He's kidnapped your father and taken his kingdom. That son of a bitch. Looks like I'm about

to kick some ass. Ooh, ooh, me, me. He was a usurper who had lost it all. I'm a usurper who lost it all. And she was a daughter who just wanted to get ahead. I'll marry a kish if he brings me the head of the king. The only thing they didn't count on was love.

We're both eating ice cream. You meant my character actor grandmother. This summer, Ether Orr. Hi, Moroni again. Just wanted to take a second to say anyone who makes a secret alliance is a big old piece of shit. Fucking dick ballers, all of them, with their secret handshakes and their dick noses and their fucking... Hey, Joe, if you want to come to poker night...

Excuse me, I'm busy dictating the word of God here. Thank you. I'm just saying, Jared, we could, like, stab him in the neck. I know, daughter of Jared, but I don't want to get my clothes all dirty when we murder a glory horn. Guys, I am right here. Quiet, we're talking. Rude. Okay, I'm going to leave.

And leave he did. But then he got killed by Akish, who became king until someone killed him, who then became king until somebody killed him. And that happened a couple more times until God liked the king. Okay, I like you, and I will uncurse the land.

Wait, was the land cursed? I don't remember you cursing the land. Oh, who the hell can even keep track? Either way, you're good now. Cool. Glad we're good. And there was much flourishing in the land. The people had elephants and heffalumps and woozles and all those bears from the Golden Compass.

Oh, really? Yeah, why the fuck not? But then, along came evil King Heth. Hi, it's Heath, actually. And he did spite the prophets. Okay, well, spite seems strong. I mean, I made a podcast about him. And he did spite the prophets so much that God cursed the land

and sent poisonous serpents among the people. That's venomous. Okay, you know, I'm trying to do a thing. You can go fuck yourself. Yeah, I will. Miss Sanders, Miss Sanders, what do you say about King Heth's recent tweet that, quote, there are no snakes here, even though I'd like one, so snakes aren't real, end quote. I think it's important that we take these words in context.

And I'm sorry, do you have any comments on Michael Wolff's new book, Heth Caused All the Snakes? Yeah, it was very mean to write down the things we said. You look young now. Jesus, and then there are two more kidnappings. Anime. Pppings. Anime.

Porn. Mine. Aha! I am your villainous rival. I have kidnapped the king and put him in prison. Aha! I am the king's son and I have unleashed my ultimate form to defeat you. Well, then I will unleash my ultimate form. Ah! Well, then I will unleash my ultimate form.

Ah! Oh, King Heatham. You've been cooped up in this prison cell for four generations. I sure have combed my son. And after watching you give that beating to King Amnegad, there's only one thing on my mind. Mine too. Wait, is this a father-son gay porn?

Not everyone watches your boring-ass straight people porn, Heath. I am Ether, the guy this book is named after. And I am here to tell you, you all suck. Seriously? Boo! Okay, well, you know what? God's going to stick snakes in you guys, and I'm going to hide. Man, sure is bad nowadays. Tell me about it.

The thing with the hammer? That's the worst. Yeah. You want to have a giant war between everyone? Like, literally everyone? Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good. Let's do it. Wow, what a battle. Woo, I know, right? Like literally everyone on the continent is dead except for 188, 189, 190 people. That's it. Wow, that's amazing.

Right? Same time tomorrow? Yeah. Okay, same time tomorrow? Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Great.

Great. Okay, so literally just you and me left. Yep, just you and me, the last two people on the continent yeah uh okay you want to uh murder each other murder murder each other exactly what did you say murder each other uh-huh me too you want to do that sure okay guys it's me ether i'm back i forgive you all for not believing me and they're all dead well i guess i'm gonna eat everyone's food anybody mind any of you mind no cool ether's food yum and with literally everyone on the continent dead this part of the story comes to a close,

but we'll pick up the pieces of this brittle storyline one more time next month for the final installment of Mormon Peace Theater. Before we give way to the next thing on your playlist, I want to thank Seth Andrews from the Thinking Atheist podcast for inviting me on his show last week to talk about the new Star Wars movie. After a half decade of podcasting about religion and politics, it was nice to finally tackle something controversial for a change. If you want to give that episode a listen and then email me to tell me about how wrong I am, you can find a link on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And if even that's too long to wait, be sure to like our Facebook page for bonus nuggets and scatheism throughout the week. Obviously, this wouldn't quite reach show level

if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for talking to me and Eli on Skype every week, even though he doesn't like phone calls. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for 21 consecutive years have not given up on me yet. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for 21 consecutive years of not giving up on me yet. I need to thank the lovely in his own way Eli Bosnick for making the stuff I say seem so much

less controversial in comparison. Also want to thank John for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for five years of sending us headlines and encouragement and just generally being a great friend of the show. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Tim, Gina, Nephthys, Christopher, the paper librarian, Harrison, Palouse, Norman, Brandon, Justin, Thomas, Patrick, R3, T7, Yodel Mountain, Conspiracy Cover Band, Lizzie in the Lab, Sky, Marcella, Don, Michael, Charlie, Tango, Megan, Crumpout Chicken, Tasha, Laura, Lee, and Pesky, whose IQs give Pavarotti digit envy.

Together, these 26 savvy skeptics synchronously serve to subsidize our sustained struggle to slacken the strangling strands of superannuated supernatural superstition this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the imperturbable impetuosity it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving all your money to buy back the family farm, you can also help us out by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or by telling a friend about the show, but make us sound sexier than we really are or they probably won't listen. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also

wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron. I'm sorry, Heath, that heat is on. Oh, okay. I thought he was just going to like stone cold interrupt you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Heath. Ha ha. This is very funny. I just wanted you to know. This is a great bit. We love and appreciate you. No, keep going. Keep going.

Keep going. You're crushing it. Okay. This is a good intro. It's a good sponsor.