The Scathing Atheist - 258: Papal in Glass Houses Edition

Episode Date: January 25, 2018

In this week’s episode, the Pope on a Rope makes himself look a dope, God finally takes over control of all the snipes in Oklahoma, and we’ll reach the glorious end of an inglorious book. This week's episode is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club and Blue Apron. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out the GeoLogic podcast, click here: http://www.geologicpodcast.com/ Headlines: Pope Francis won’t believe sex abuse coverup charges unless he sees proof: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/19/pope-francis-wont-believe-victims-unless-he-sees-proof-of-a-sex-crime-cover-up/ and http://religionnews.com/2018/01/20/cardinal-rebukes-pope-over-chile-slander-comments-on-abuse/ Christian lady sets up fake Tinder dates so she can proselytize: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/12/this-christian-used-tinder-to-proselytize-to-her-dates/ Noah’s Ark replica in Netherlands breaks free, damages bunch of stuff: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/03/a-noahs-ark-replica-in-the-netherlands-broke-free-and-caused-enormous-damage/ Gay couple orders wedding invitations, gets anti-gay pamphlets: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/17/a-gay-couple-ordered-wedding-programs-they-got-anti-gay-pamphlets-instead/ Judge dismisses jury verdict, says god told him defendant was innocent: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/20/judge-god-told-me-to-sway-jury-to-acquit-defendant-in-sex-trafficking-trial/ OK bill seeks to give all state wildlife to god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/20/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-give-almighty-god-ownership-of-all-wildlife/ Mark Taylor says Trump will arrest all the satanic pedophiles in February: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/mark-taylor-trump-has-already-taken-the-steps-to-unleash-a-wave-of-arrests-of-satanic-pedophiles-in-february/ This Week in Misogyny: Biblical Gender Roles says it’s not a woman’s consent that matters, it’s god’s. https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2018/01/11/it-is-not-a-womans-consent-that-matters-it-is-gods/ Two members of cult marry each other’s 7 and 8 year old daughters: http://people.com/crime/utah-church-allegedly-married-child-daughters/tual Man sells ex-girlfriend’s soul to devil for revenge: http://www.wtol.com/story/37315851/i-sold-your-soul-to-the-devil-man-cuts-girlfriend-in-satanic-ri

Warning, the following podcast has so much profanity, you'd think it was a bipartisan White House meeting on immigration. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club, Blue Apron, and by Sir Francis Bacon, the real identity of William Shakespeare. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm George Robb, and as the producer of the Geologic Podcast, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's January 25th.

And if religion poisons everything, we've got the cure. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Gating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Pope on a Rope makes himself look

a dope, God finally takes over control of all the snipes in Oklahoma, and we'll reach the glorious end of an inglorious book. But first, the diatribe. I got an email from a longtime listener a couple of weeks ago who said that he found the show decreasingly relevant he used slightly more complimentary language than that, but the gist of his message was that in a world where nuclear dick measuring is dominating the headlines, focusing in on the crazy shit

that Pat Robertson is saying seems less and less important every day. Now, my knee-jerk reaction was to remind him that the crazy shit Pat Robertson is saying has a tendency to become a national policy a few days later, and I still think that's a pretty good response. But after chewing on it for a bit, I want to offer up a more meaty answer. And it goes like this. That's the whole point of the circus, folks.

The whole reason for the loosely orchestrated shit show is to distract us from all that shit that used to matter. If you create a new crisis every day, nobody can focus on anything, even if it's the thing that they've dedicated their lives to focusing on up until the day before. And along the way, it's not like the things we were focused on before have gotten any less important. If anything, they've gotten way more important

as they come increasingly under threat from zealots and the people who are dumb enough to still support Trump. There's never been a time in my life when the wall of separation was so eroded. So as much as I like to talk about the impending nuclear showdown, the last thing we can afford to do is to take our eyes off of our charge. Yes, the dumpster is flaming away out back, but we've got to leave that to the firemen. We're the watchdogs. Our job is to stay in here and guard the fucking jewels. Case in point, last Thursday, the Department of Health and Human Services announced that they were going to be starting a new department called the Division of Conscience and Religious Freedom.

Ministry of Truth was apparently taken. I mean, based on nothing but that name, I trust you're already as terrified as you should be. But in case you're not, here's its stated goal, according to NPR, to protect doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to take part in procedures like abortion or wait, it gets worse. Treat certain people because of moral or religious objections. To the people. religious objections to the people. So yeah, the HHS just opened a department of not giving gay people medicine. And because of the raging Trumpster fire around it, this barely even makes the national news, right? It was barely a one day story. And let's be honest here. If you didn't listen to shows like this or follow atheists online, a lot of you wouldn't even

know what happened. Now, the intended victims here are women seeking abortion and trans people, right? That's who they're going after. But they're gassing a wide net. You know, they happen to catch women seeking contraception and gay people too. Well, you know, that's good too, right? And if they wind up catching any unmarried person with a venereal disease and all non-Christians, well, that's a risk they're willing to take and as much as i'd love for these to be outlandish slippery slope type arguments they're

not we've already seen cases in the u.s where health care workers have used religious freedom to refuse to provide health care to women because they once had an abortion we saw a pediatrician refuse to treat a child last year because his parents were lesbians. We've seen women in desperate need of abortions turned away by puritanical psychopaths that forced them to birth miscarriages at home. This is not theoretical shit. When he announced the new policy, by the way, Roger Severino, who directs the HHS's Office of Civil Goddamn Rights, by the way, said, quote, civil goddamn rights, by the way, said, quote, never forget that religious freedom is a primary freedom, that it is a civil right that deserves enforcement and respect, end quote. Now, focus in on that word enforcement and think for a second about the gross and transparently motivated

redefinition we've seen around the phrase religious freedom over the last decade, because now they're going to enforce that shit. And this is not a thing that started with Trump. Hell, it's not even something that started with conservatives or Christianity. Used to be that religious freedom meant the freedom to practice whichever religion you chose or not to practice anyone if you didn't want to. The government couldn't pass a law making you be religious, and they couldn't pass a law that gave a distinct advantage to one religion over another i mean obviously there's more nuance but that's the goal right then the liberals come along and they start inflating it freedom of religion also sometimes means freedom to wear a fucking hat you know or have a beard or smoke peyote so you wind up with riffra and all of a sudden religious freedom is the freedom to do

shit other people don't get to do because of your religion. Now, to be fair, the majority religions always had this implicit right. You know, as our friend Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast is fond of pointing out, only Catholic priests get to give wine to teenagers on Sunday morning, Eli. So all they were doing was codifying a right that was already there for all the non-minorities. But of course, sooner or later, the majority religion noticed how malleable that definition had gotten all of a sudden. And then hating gay people became as intrinsic to their religion as wearing them little hats was to the Jews. And bam, you've got a whole different set of laws for every religion. And since you can't fact check a religion, of course, anything a big enough group of zealots pinky swear on is now an inalienable human right.

Right. If if the judge wants it to be. And look, this whole trap was laid in plain sight. The watchdogs saw it all happening and raised alarms about it along the way. You know, because you're probably one of them. about it along the way. You know, because you're probably one of them. They've been waiting for years for us to look away long enough for them to pull the switch on this shit, and they seem pretty certain that now's the time. And that's why, if you're going to be a good watchdog, you have to get more vigilant when somebody pulls the fire alarm, not less. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. joining me for headlines tonight are two men once again snubbed by the academy's inherent racism heathen right and eli bosnian fellas any oscar predictions for this year millionaires are going to use the opportunity of being given a solid gold statue to shit on people who are literally incapable of being better uh i was gonna say uma thurman's gonna run for president uma oprah 2020 and while i stole mine and while i pine for the days when that definitely would have been a joke we'll take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor dollar shave club hey podcast listener. You know, we got to travel and meet a lot of you this year. And it was such an honor. Yeah, to shake your hand,

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just five dollars exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing that's dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing dollar shave club because some of you were like hugging a pizza old pizza and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight pope francisco and ebert made his 22nd overseas trip last week when he visited his native continent of south america and managed not to openly defend sex abusers cast out on the claims of child sex abuse victims or deny that there was a cover-up for almost the whole time wow uh laryngitis the quiet game they were playing silent treatment no dicks in his mouth not enough dicks in his mouth no there you go okay all right so the trip began in chile where the pope enjoys the lowest approval rating of any pope since the guy whose corpse they dug up to

yell at for fucking a jew or whatever that was people in chile, the California of South America, rate Francis at 5.3 out of 10, and only 36% say they trust the Catholic Church. In a South American country, where 67% of the people are Catholic. And in case he wasn't aware of how much Chileans disliked him, they did him the favor of firebombing three Catholic churches in the nation's capital

leading up to his visit. Chile's a weird place. Kid fucking gets a mild boo and you get a slight down tick in approval, but you mention sea bass from Argentina one time and the firebombs go off. It's their only thing.

They know that the fish don't respect borders, right? How do they keep them all on that one part? I don't know. Argentina's right there. You gotta talk to it. You gotta talk to it for a little while. You gotta be like, hey, how much is okay to touch a woman you don't know? Oh, everything

is okay. Yeah, this is one, guys. Get it. Grab this one. That's an Argentinian. Oh, Jesus Christ. Argentinians won't put their hands on your wife? Okay. You know what? Just leave your wife alone in a room with an Argentinian then. That's what I thought. That's what I thought.

They're white. I don't need any of this. They're white. It's fine. You don't like it? Oh, you know what? I won't go to Argentina ever. That's my punishment.

So knowing that he's going to be facing massive protests over corruption and kid raping, which is, while a subset of corruption, worthy of separate mention nonetheless, he schedules this whole speech about how the Catholic Church needs to try harder not to rape kids and they'll sure do better next time and mea culpa. And then he follows it up by celebrating mass next to one of the nation's most notorious child rape enablers bishop juan barrows yeah it's kind of like ending this year's oscars with a viewing of annie hall you know what it's a great movie though it is a great movie fantastic movie so okay so when asked about palling around with a guy who defended sex abusers in his own church in a very public way pope francis down and shut up dismissed the allegations against the bishop making him the first person in chile to do so and said that until he saw proof that the bishop covered up sex crimes he wasn't going to worry about it he said of barrows quote there is not one shred of proof against him it's all calumny end quote okay so just to recap the pope's saying

come on be nice maybe he was just in charge of people who raped yes that's the moral ceiling best case scenario is what i just described now among the people expressing outrage is this statement by the way are the pope's top advisor on clerical sex abuse, saying he has no fucking idea why the Pope would choose to accuse sex abuse victims of slander. Perhaps more impactful, though, was the response from one of Barrows' most vocal victims, who tweeted out, quote, as if I could have taken a selfie while Cara Dima abused me and Juan Barro stood by watching it all. End quote. All right. And in so tender and mild news tonight, you know,

Noah and Heath started this show as a space for atheists by atheists that I've been honored to watch serve as a place of comfort and community for hundreds of thousands of people. Honored to watch serve as a place of comfort and community for hundreds of thousands of people. And the accusation has been leveled at me that in the past I've used the show less as a way to unite our community and more as a way to push my own personal agenda. And in that spirit, I'd like to introduce the next story. Tinder is for fucking. It's not for dating. It's not for toying with people's emotions or exposing them to your genitals without consent. It's for finding people to fuck and then fucking those people.

Okay. Period. Are you sure it's not for guys who need more platonic female friends? I think I'm using it wrong or something. Yeah. You are, and so is everyone else on it. And if you have ever used...

It's for fucking, and if you've ever used the app for anything besides fucking you suck and you're the cause of lots of bad things in the world okay another thing eli you have one sentence to make this about religion or i'm gonna nail you inside a wooden box again fair fair enough okay but there's perhaps no abuse of tinder more egregious than the one reported in christianity Today this week by a young woman who used Tinder to tell people about Jesus. Oh, for fuck's sake. It sounds like a whole thing, though.

Like, just get some herpes going on your face. This way, there's a lot of easier ways to not get fucked when you're trying to get fucked. To not get fucked when you're trying to get fucked. Yes, the blogger Tori Rowe, who spells her name with an I so that everyone can be entirely certain she's a terrible person, took to Tinder last year, not with the goal of finding a soulmate, but of saving one. Or her boyfriend is like, why did you download Tinder so she had to write a blog post? It's one of those things, though, probably. Indeed. So in the article, she says, quote, on each date, in quotes, the guy would ask me what I did for a living.

I would tell him that I'm a divinity student. He would ask what that means. And then, bam, that was it. Suddenly, the kingdom of God was on the table. Instead of being put off by my words the men stayed and engaged they asked questions questions probing the heart and goodness of god oh i i pray yes this didn't happen one time it happened dozens of times oh you bitch yeah you know what's also fascinating besides the bible what your co-worker said the other day.

And also, what did you say after that? Because she said that, and then what did you say? Oh, what did your cat knock off the counter today? Wait, so, okay, all right. She found men on Tinder that were willing to ask her questions in an effort to deeply probe her. This is the, my cologne must be working, this stripper loves loves me but for online evangelism i fucking love this story yeah it is obvious tori is not clear on how male listening works also probably thinks she's really funny however it does give us an opportunity to put 28 seconds on the clock. Worse opening lines on a Tinder date than,

have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Ooh. Okay. About, so your lives matter now. Congrats on that. Matter. I was thinking, I podcast for a living. I consider gonorrhea the greatest gift you can give someone oh good how about which other lives matter let's rank them together this is fun

i have another one i have another one um that podcast is about atheism okay well with both of noah's answers firmly on my vision board and in my internet history i wish tori the best and tori okay if you're listening and i know you are that's fine try fat life next lots of souls they are in desperate need of saving tori what's fat combined with the openness of fat life he would melt Let's get Pete on FetLife! Oh my god, Keith's cluelessness combined with the openness of FetLife, he would melt. He would melt because it's just like, ha, my name is

BigDaddy44. Please pee on my chest and he's just trying to solve it like a Sudoku puzzle. Wait, it's a PP Sudoku themed dating site? We'll go with that. We'll go with that. And in Arky McArkface news.

Nice. Some crazy Dutch guy built a replica of Noah's Ark, started a museum of fake news inside, and eventually caused massive damages to the value of surrounding property. Well, actually, let me start from the beginning. Ken Ham did all that stuff i just said and then the crazy dutch guy was like that's actually a great business model hold my honey well now actually to be fair the dutch guy beat amish wolverine to it by about four years so ken ham

still hasn't actually inspired anyone to ever do anything ever pennsylvania dutch so my opera big wasteful boat is nothing to you, Noah. Good to know. Good to know. Yes. The crazy Dutch guy is Odd Peters. And although he didn't crash the entire local economy with his thing, he did crash his stupid fucking boat. Yeah. giant i'm assuming gopher wood box slash bible museum got loose from its mooring in the port of

irk last week and it smashed into a cluster of boats that were tied up nearby at which point all nine types of of animals in the world that were there stepped out from his cabin and we're like shit this is not mount hararat really Really sorry about that. I love his quote afterwards. He literally used the, this has never happened to me before line. Or actually, he said, this has never happened before. So maybe it was a Freudian slip about how the arc was based on a silly myth and

obviously it wasn't going to work in water. He's just like, I've got to admit this all seems really impractical. You know what? Never mind. I should have tied it. Should have had a way to steer. It would have been helpful. And just

for the record, by the way, yes, he definitely put the arc in irk just to be a dick and do annoying like Abbott and Costello routines the whole time with people who are stupid. If someone irked at the arc and irked. If someone hasn't chatted on my opera, you would have gotten to hear the musical number. An arc and arc is nothing like ours,

but I don't want to get into it. Because apparently it's nothing. No, sing it. Sing it. An arc and arc is nothing like ours. Here in Kentucky way. I feel like you didn't mean it.

I don't have any of the instruments or anything. And scene. That was lovely. That was lovely. And I took my cymbals. Now, in fairness to this guy, Odd Peters, his business is doing infinitely better than the Ark Park in Kentucky. And to his credit, he did correctly identify the key component that Ken Ham's business

model was missing. And that would be the water. When you build a giant boat, you're going to want some water. But despite that crucial addition, it's still a giant waste of space and still caused enormous problems for the people around it. Despite all the God that should have been helping. And in your cordially invited to go fuck yourself news tonight. You know, planning a wedding can be stressful. There's choosing the cake, the dress. And in the case of Stephen Heasley and Andrew Borg this week,

being sent anti-gay Jesus pamphlets instead of your wedding program. That is fucking despicable. You can't do that shit with wedding programs. Only medical services. Exactly. New rule. That's right. That's right. The night before their wedding, Stephen and Andrew opened their package from Vistaprint, which was

supposed to contain the order of their processional and the lyrics to Treasure by Above and Beyond, only to find a pamphlet from Battle Ready on understanding temptation that warns of temptations of the flesh and how to ward off Satan. Oh, for fuck's sake.

All right, well, at least it came with a handy return address for sending subpoenas and bags of dicks, whatever. No, I feel like that's where you go to get the bags of dicks at this point, right? I mean, these guys are fans of the bible they were okay with it when david did it to the philistines turnabout fair play now just to clarify vistaprint has apologized profusely they've reached out to the couple to make amends and is on the hunt for whatever asshole employee did this but it's worthwhile to consider that only a religious person would think swapping out someone's wedding program for an insult is the right thing to do.

Yeah, because they're so good with morals, those religions. Yeah. And with a quick reminder that when we send off for explicitly anti-Christian stuff for the scathing atheist, the religious folks at Vistaprint don't swap it out for chick tracks and shit. Almost like it's naked bigotry and religion is just a convenient excuse, isn't it? And with that, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Okay, I have a movie pitch for you. It's called A Vag of Their Own. It's this touching story of all the patriarchal misogynists waking up one morning with a vagina on their face.

And they realize that now that they finally have their very own vagina, they can stop trying to take ownership of all the other ones. Then everybody lives happily ever after while the sexes go fuck each other in the head. Because that's what it's really all about, isn't it? Ownership. Take, for example, the intentionally disgusting article this week on biblicalgenderroles.com titled, It's Not a Woman's Consent That Matters, It's God's. Now, granted, this is nothing but outrage bait bullshit.

Hell, there's a subheading titled The Myth of Marital Rape. But even this kind of extreme can tip their hands. The whole point of God when it comes to women is to assign her a previous owner to ratify the sale. And look, it's not like this ownership fetish comes without consequences. And look, it's not like this ownership fetish comes without consequences. Like the story sent to me by astute listener Sandy, among others, about two men from a doomsday cult in Utah that decided to pull a daughter swap. Samuel Schaefer and John Coulthard, both in their mid-30s, faced charges including, oh for fuck's sakes, blanket trigger warning here, sodomy of a child from an alleged incident

where they agreed that each of them could marry the other one's daughter. The daughters, by the way, were seven and eight. Now, if there's a more heinous and gut-wrenching way to make my point, I sure as hell don't want to know about it. But something tells me the daughter swap polygamy cult would have been rooted out earlier if it didn't have a million other fundamentalist offshoots of Mormonism competing with it for government time. Of course, the ownership thing isn't just about having somebody to sign the title over to you. Sometimes it's about having a ready buyer, too. Take, for example, Kyle Parker, a 21-year-old Pennsylvania man who's facing charges on assault and harassment after allegedly cutting his unconscious girlfriend with a razor blade in an effort to sell

her soul to the devil. No word exactly on how much he was looking to get for the soul, but something tells me it's going to be less than bail. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of storyboarding to do, so I'll wrap it up there and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in judge head case news tonight, a Texas state judge has recused himself from a court case after interrupting deliberations to let the jury know that God had just told him

a woman who was convicted of trafficking her teen niece for sexual favors was innocent. Ah, God also said, this is so weird that he'd add this, but he also said that I should give her niece piano lessons. Anyway, weird day here at the court where I'm a judge. Case dismissed, huh? Now. Hold on, hold on.

Getting one more thing. God says the bailiff should ignore the fact that someone took his meatball sandwich out of the fridge, even though he had his name on it. He should just take it easy. Indeed. So Judge Jack Robinson has since apologized for intervening, but excused himself saying, quote, when God tells me I got to do something, I got to do it. gotta do it. End quote. Leading sane people everywhere to go,

hey, let's never let Jack near anything sharp again in case his invisible friend tells him to start a stab and shit. Yeah, we'll also need to take all his dull things and all his medium sharpness things, honestly, and his penis. And, you know what?

His abstract things, too, like his bench seat, for example. Really all his bench seat for example really all his things except his soft helmet and his padded room yeah now as i said the jury was apparently made of all atheists and muslims with bad god reception because they sentenced the defendant to 25 years in jail though many would think you know hey my judge started dictating divine will is a great excuse for a mistrial well i'd be but but she was convicted and god was her character witness i feel i feel like at a mistrial they would just find her more guilty that's a good point and here's the worst part robinson goes back on the bench at the end of the month.

That's right. Next month, this dude's just a fucking judge again. Which is why from now on, I'm instituting all my first date questions during depositions. Just like, yeah, judge, whatever. Quick question. How often do you hear from G.O.D.? Is the answer ever? How often do you hear from G.O.D.? Is the answer ever?

And finally tonight, in Taylor bespoke news, right wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor said stuff again this week. That should really be an entire podcast. Mark Taylor said stuff again. Kind of like Adam Carolla, but way more interesting. Or like Joe Rogan, but way more interesting. Or like Joe Rogan, but slightly more data-driven. I wish you would stop tearing our community apart, Heath.

You don't know, right? Anyway, here's what Mark Taylor told us this time. According to his calculations, Donald Trump is planning to carry out a wave of arrests next month and finally lock up all those satanic pedophiles. Trump decided to let them do their thing for about a year.

Yeah, right. Their time is up in February. I get it. I get it. It's like arresting a hooker in Michigan, you know. Wait, what? Cops used to be allowed to fuck a hooker as part of a sting in Michigan. No, they didn't.

No, that's actually, that's true. That's true. I grew up in Michigan and my dad was a hooker. Is that real? No, that is real. That is real. They recently passed a law making it no longer. And there are no other fringe benefits, by the way.

The cop in fucking Michigan is the shittiest job in the world. At least they got legal hookers. Now they don't even get that anymore. You guys don't deserve safety Michiganders. Yeah, but to be fair, that's not a fun afterglow, right? That was the best sex of my whole life, and so I feel really bad about this.

You're under arrest. As soon as you get out and I know this is going to sound crazy because I just arrested you call me and I will pay you and you'll get to keep them it's so awkward handcuffs are on the nightstand

you can just show yourself out you're already wearing them alright so just in case anyone's not familiar with mark taylor here's a little background for you first of all he looks like a satanic pedophile yes he sure does like honestly he looks like a guy who'd be pouring milk on a kid and see the picture of that kid on the cart and you're probably thinking that that's not like a kind of guy you can look like, but then you'll Google Mark Taylor and you'll be like,

no, I get it. He does look like that. That is exactly what he looks like. It really is. So, Taylor's job appears to be going on TV and radio shows run by insane people and trying to out-crazy the host. And he pretty much always wins.

He does. For example, he claimed last month that Trump is going to release the cures for Alzheimer's and cancer, but not until his second term. Right, make him wait. Taylor also uncovered the plot by the Illuminati to use radio waves that shoot out of TV screens to change our DNA from from republican dna to democrat dna

and uh my favorite detail about mark taylor he calls himself a firefighter prophet so i guess he just shows up at random places for no reason and pours water on nothing and he's just like crisis averted you're welcome this is what I do he also invented an unwieldy piece of plastic you can use to drag people out of buildings

Hevelton yeah it ties right back into the thing Heath was saying earlier about dumping the milk on the kids yeah exactly yeah alright so here dumping the milk on the kids. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, all right. So here's the scoop on the satanic pedophiles from Mark Taylor. During a recent episode of the Faith Talk radio show, he explained how the government is building up a military force that's going to round up all the satanic pedophiles during the the coldest time of year february because the temperature right you know because they're satanic they have fire powers those are

weakest oh everywhere that actually does make sense yeah my thing was stupid so that's why trump recently signed an executive order that lets him seize the assets of anyone involved in human rights violations which means trump will be able to take all the money from the clintons the obamas and george soros thus preventing them from paying satanic pedophile advocacy groups like antifa and black lives matter to hold protests obviously yeah according to taylor quote this is one way that god is working behind the scenes to save america end quote just one of many one of many yeah he also paints sets and puts spike tape down on people's marks great guy this godfailer yeah so moral of the story if

mark taylor says words you send us a link just in case we miss it somehow. We probably won't have a Google alert, but you send us a link. And until he utters something else, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jenga! And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to finally catch up with the perpetually receding goalpost that was the final chapter of the Book of Mormon. Woo! eating goalpost that was the final chapter of the book of mormon and so instead of cheese we're going to use flavored soy shavings flavored soy

shavings yeah the texture is very Earth-like after you get used to it. Earth-like. Earth-like texture. Hey, guys. What are you doing? Oh, yeah. I'm trying to eat healthier this year,

so Eli's teaching me to be vegan. Ooh, good. Noah, you're just in time for my famous carrot bacon. Carrot bacon? Yeah. Yeah, carrot bacon. Heath, why don't you just try blue apron blue apron you mean the meal delivery service yeah yeah for the next six weeks blue apron is teaming up with whole 30 to bring you delicious recipes or or or we can hear about the carrot bacon we haven't heard about the carrot bacon yet. Okay, what kind of delicious recipes?

Well, there's seared steaks and warm lemon salsa verde with roasted broccoli and sweet potato and chicken and kale orange salad with spicy tahini dressing. That does sound good and healthy. Eli, what were you saying about the carrot bacon, though? It's carrots and you slice them thin. I see. Okay.

Okay, Heath, but think about the cost. I mean, I bet Blue Apron costs a fortune, right? This bag of egg substitute I bought this morning was only 58 bucks and it is...

Actually, Blue Apron is treating the scathing atheist listeners to $30 off their first order if they visit blueapron.com slash scathing. Wait, I can check out this week's menu and get $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash scathing? That's right.

Um, you guys want one of my textured almond paste bars? No. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. The aftertaste goes away eventually. No, it doesn't. It Apron. A better way to cook. The aftertaste goes away eventually. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. At long last, we've reached the promised land. We're on the last book of the Book of Mormon, and I've got to be honest, nobody seems happier about that than Joseph Smith.

That man gave up on this project way before we did, and the result is the most half-assed, perfunctory, page-padding bullshit I have ever encountered. Which you realize right away when you see the majority of the chapters in this book are four or five verses long. He's like the marathon guy happily shitting himself. He's psyched about it. Now, to understand this, you have to keep in mind what a good thing Joey has going for him while he's writing this book. He'd suckered a few hillbillies into paying for his room and board while he completed his holy mission to translate them imaginary plates and keep in mind that he doesn't know this is going to turn into a popular religion he's got every reason to believe it won't so he kind of wants to stretch this phase at the end out a bit his roommates just being like hey joe let's read the uh let's read the classifieds

out loud together i'll go first i'll go first one bedroom available in rochester doorman easy access to the subway lots of metal plates cool okay you go your turn all right as someone who's living is currently people listen to his free podcast and give him money for it i get it i'm just hoping this podcast turns into a big religion. I can get shot in jail. Got a five-year plan. And, of course, joining us for this joyous good riddance is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Thanks, Noah.

You know, I got to say, I've gotten so used to making I'm not doing this anymore jokes at this point that now that I'm actually not going to do it anymore, I don't really know what to say. See? Yeah, it kind of makes you nostalgic from when we were just getting started, doesn't it? No. Yeah, no. Me neither. All right, so let's get this shit over with then. Now, if I had to summarize this whole book

in a single sentence, I guess that would be that Moroni has really learned something here today. Right. And he gets there by saying, so Jesus told me to stop writing after ether so when you get to heaven let's just keep this chapter between us yeah right i feel like marona is testing the water to sexually abuse us when he drives us home from school yeah and it's the sloppiest excuse to

keep the story going it's done and now he now it's like the Terminator rising back up out of the lava on the chain. Sorry, just a couple more things. A couple more hand signals I wanted to give. Double guns. Peace. Now, if you'll recall when we last left Moroni, all the Nephites in the world were killed in a

giant battle and he was on the run. And it turns out that the Lamanites hadn't calmed their shit down at all, so he's still hiding out, I guess. Yeah. It feels like 200 pounds of golden plates would be an encumbrance whilst on the run, but maybe that's just me. Oh, these? These are

how to fuck plates. Gay how to fuck plates. It's not religious, it's just gay fucking plates. Don't worry about it. But we should point out that he sells this like oh here's the really wise parts of the book coming up so pay a lot of attention I just want you to keep that in mind as we roll through these closing

nuggets of wisdom so yeah after that chapter slash kind of long paragraph he says remember when Jesus showed up in America that was awesome. That was the whole fucking chapter. All he had to say in this chapter was like, when Jesus' American disciples touched people, they would get the Holy Ghost chills, huh?

And he points out that nobody was around to hear this, especially not him yes i guess the apostles scheduled an email to moroni 400 years later with their fucking quantum computer that they also had right and what could possibly be the point of telling us this he's basically saying man if you were alive now who boy would you be convinced yeah right and it kind of seems like he's saying that the apostles can like give you the Holy Ghost by touching you. I feel like Joe was hedging his bets on some like supervillain knockout gas he was working on that never panned out. That would explain a lot of this book, actually. Yeah, right. And with that chapter slash slightly long sentence out of the way, he says Jesus also told his disciples they got to be priests.

Yeah, and a fucking course they did we spent a whole chapter here all four short verses of it explaining that Jesus' disciples were teachers and priests you think? yeah what the fuck else do we think that disciple means are you distinguishing it from decibel?

but we also learned that Mormon priests are like vampires but with laying on of the hands instead of biting, which I guess is a step up. I don't know. Vampirism. I love that he had to write this down on his solid gold plates. Ronan was like, hold on, hold on. How do we make these people into priests?

We're going to make new priests. What are we, fuck them? We're going to fuck them. And then you tell them they're a priest and they are. What are we, fuck them? We're going to fuck them. Okay. And then you tell them they're a priest and they are. And that's it. Just say it. Yeah.

Sure. And with that chapter slash 2018 tweet out of the way, he makes it super clear how to do Mormon communion. And he cites his sources, by the way. His communion comes straight from Jesus. Of course it does. And we should point out that the Mormon communion is just like the Catholic one, except the language is clunkier. Yeah. And let nobody who

am it not gonna eat this year's bread. Exactly. You can literally watch him distract himself with each little clause. Yeah. And those souls who partake of it with whom of which per se no not per se cannibal bread well it could obviously be explained away by joe being a shitty writer but it could also just be that if you think about it like maybe jesus was just crazy inarticulate and

the middle eastern jews did a way better job on the rewrites than the Nephites. Could be. You know, like it turns out the whole remove the beam from your own eye speech actually started with, like, it was actually just Jesus doing the what's on your shirt prank. We're going to have to make this sound better, y'all. And with that chapter slash verbose fortune cookie out of the way, he adds the

wine part of communion. Yes! That's right, that's right. We have a three-verse chapter for the cracker and a two verse chapter for the wine which uh sure is odd because he spells water which mormons will drink w-i-n-e wine in this chapter which mormons won't drink. Super silly of him. And also, can we underscore two verses? I was expecting the next chapter to be about setting the cup back down. And then you sort of, you know, make sure it's stable.

And any more of that stew you made last night? Your wife is just tight as a dish with that stew never mind so the cup the cup is there i like a tapered cup remember tapered jeans gene therapies and then you just set it down you made sure it was stable and then you set it down and with that chapter slash overlong screen name out of the way we get what you might almost consider a two chapter nine whole verses

nine whole verses and isn't it amazing how long that seems like it is at this point right you're just hustling through this you just want out so bad you've been mowing through these length chapters you hit one that almost covers the whole page and you're just hustling through this. You just want out so bad. You've been mowing through these length chapters. You hit one that almost covers the whole page and you're like, oh, fuck. But this one is about proper baptism.

And no, it says nothing at all about what to do with Holocaust victims, by the way. Well, if you're Heath, the answer is don't exaggerate when you count them. Okay. Well, I'm just saying that's with everything. Don't count wrong. It's just generally a good policy. Whatever. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm just saying that's with everything. Don't count wrong. It's just generally a good policy.

Whatever. Okay. So step one in baptism apparently is being contrite enough. The priest is supposed to measure your contrition quotient. And if you're not at least over the 50th percentile,

you stay dry, I guess. I'd love to see that interview. Right? Why aren't you helping the turtle eli so anyway be contrite enough that's step one apparently step two is have been baptized because that is all we get in terms of instruction it's nine fucking verses and all he says is like you got to be contrite that's pretty much it after that the chapter is mostly about like where the disciples used to meet for brunch. I wanted the book to just stall

out completely, talking about the brunch. And then I have the eggs usually, and Steve last time, Steve had the toast or maybe eggs too. No, no, it was toast. It was toast. And he had two OJs

and claimed he only had one. It's typical Steve. And his debit card declined and we had to pay for it. It's embarrassing for him. We should also point out here that this is where the book lays out the three witnesses rule, which says that anytime three members of the church condemn a person before the elders, that person is excommunicated. Which makes it, A, really fucking easy to oust anybody you don't like.

And, B, impossible for victims of sex abuse to be punished by the church unless they victimize in threes. Right. Yeah, it's a good policy. Yeah. Because everybody knows sexually abusing kids is like like pringles uh hard to get your hand inside oh jesus christ yeah but but easy to get one or two with your fingers oh god damn it no guys and okay and we should also point out after that little crazy edit there i don't know what happened um that just so they can stay in control of everything,

the elders are allowed to let any condemned person confess, and as long as they're contrite enough, again with the contrition quotient, they get to stay in. The elders are just using their arms to make an applause-o-meter. All right, make some noise for contrite enough. So close. Nope, didn't make it and and then joey just starts blatantly

fucking with us okay after all those little chapterlets he drops this goddamn 48 verse novel on us in chapter seven just when you thought you were about to clear the fucking finish line yeah and this whole chapter is just a stream of random faith platitudes under the guise of cool shit Moroni's dad said once. Yeah, and audience, I just want you to know that I wanted to let our dads do this part of the Book of Mormon, but I was outvoted. I just want to say I was outvoted. Would have been hilarious. And again, sorry for the extended quote, but I feel the need to constantly reinforce just how poorly written the Word of God is. Chapter 7, verse 2.

And now I, Mormon, speak unto you, my beloved brethren, and it is by the grace of God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ and his holy will, because of the gifts of calling unto me, that I am permitted to speak to you at this time. Like the second he runs out of Bible-provided words, everything turns into a memo from an overworked paralegal. The book spends a big chunk of this chapter digging into the doctrine of like you really mean it, which is clearly meant to account for the fact that their theology says prayer should always work. And it very definitely does not. Right. It's all part of the trick. I mean, religion. All part of the religion. Magic words

inside the box. Only 49. No strings. He also stops here to explain that the devil is the bad guy and God is the good guy. If you made it this far into the book and didn't pick up on that, does he think this sentence is going to make the difference?

I don't know. I've read that story satan still just kind of sounds like a firm editor to me are we sure about the holocausty rapey beings this hasn't gone out yet i just want to ask you do that right right and just in case you forgot that jesus a dude, the book takes a few verses to explain that in detail again. Damn important that we stick that one in before we end this goddamn perpetual piece of shit. Yeah, in case you didn't know. Also, in case you're wondering, there are still miracles. Or at least there was when this was written. They seem to have dried up around the time that video cameras started to exist. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle. Electrons are a Ponzi

scheme. It's being paid off by the next electron. Next Adam has to pay for that one. The cameras must have made the miracles obsolete, I guess. I didn't really need them anymore. Look, if you guys don't like them,

just give me my Criss Angel DVDs back. Alright? Mind free. Oh, shit. You can have them. He also tags on a quick PS, give to charity at the end. So this chapter smells a little bit moral. Right.

Lovely. Yeah. Fucking Jew, darky, gay. And brush your teeth. Hard ed, dad do not like tooth brushing. And then we get to chapter eight and at this point it's the

scriptural equivalent of reading the back of the shampoo bottle while you're taking a shit. So loud? Apparently now Verona would like to share a letter his dad wrote to him about how evil catholics are all right i need way more than the bottle if i don't have my phone i'm using

anagrams on the back i'm playing hangman with myself and shampoo what kind of speed shits you people are taking get some of that bird speed shit it'll keep you busy i've been bringing a sandwich in i know you're not supposed to do that, but I bring a sandwich. It just makes sense. Yeah, so wouldn't you know it, what are the odds? The Protestant Reformation also played out in miniature with the Nephites. So Mormon takes a second here to make it super clear that only evil satanic people baptize babies. And he's got evidence to back it up.

He's like, but don't take my word for it take my word for the fact that god yeah exactly but to be fair he presents a pretty good argument here where he points out all the millions of three-hour-old babies consigned to an eternity in hell and catholic universe that seems excessive i don't know seems kind of fun right like how much can you torture a baby? You know? Well. You know what? Retract the question.

Retract the question. And retract your plus one for the dinner party when Anna's out of town. That is also. Too late for both. Retract it. I love, too, that he closes the letter by saying, All right, well, this won't be the last letter I ever write to you unless there's a huge war with the Lamanites that kills everyone on the continents. Toodles.

That's the end of my advice about the correct way to dunk people in water okay enjoy your wooden submarine trip with a hole in the top and bottom but unluckily for us mormon does write another letter to morona which we get to read in chapter nine and and this time mormon is writing to say that he's pretty sure he's going to be genocided by Lamanites. Any chapter now he promises, but he goes into some detail on all the rape and forced cannibalism. The Lamanites are subjecting them to just an angry Lamanite reading along. It's like rape and forced cannibalism.

Huh? You mean the birth and death of Jesus Christ learned it by watching you. Right. You mean the birth and death of Jesus Christ? Learned it by watching you. Just saying. Right. And it's that they're making the wives eat their husbands and the children eat their fathers.

So I guess it's been a good thing that dad got the big piece of chicken this whole time. And again, let's not lose the forest for the trees here. The flesh-eating rapist he's talking about here are the Native Americans, by the way. Again, this is the origin story of. Yeah. Also, he works in some sexism here. He's like, and worst of all, which, reminder, he's comparing this to eating your husband,

the Nephites were popping cherries. Can you believe that shit? Cherries. Unbelievable. Did you pass the dick? Thanks. And then we reach chapter 10. The final chapter in the book. And it's a

fucking long one because there is no end to the himself that Joey cannot go fuck. So Moroni feels like he still needs to add a summary here. And to be fair, he seems to be as sorry about it as I am. This whole chapter has a look, guys. I know this meeting has already run a little long,

but we really need to discuss who keeps taking my potato salad, Phil, to it. Well, then you should stop taking my potato salad. I have no idea what you're talking about. And the very first thing he says in his summary about that time when God wiped out his entire civilization is, don't forget how awesomely merciful and forgiving God is. Or he'll kill you. Right. I love the bit in verse four where he's all like, and if there's any part of this book you don't believe, ask Jesus if it's true.

And if he doesn't say it is ask more sincerely right and we should clarify that like that bit is the mormon's john 316 right like if you ask and mean it you'll see it's true and if it's not you didn't mean it it's fantastic the no true moron fallacy yeah right yeah and then he enters into a very specific list of the eight power-ups you get as jesus ranks you up as a yes they are as follows the ability to teach wisdom that's handy uh the ability to teach knowledge different thing healing powers seem like you would have led with that one. Seems like we would have heard of that one. Working mighty miracles.

Okay, miracles can't be a power. It's always one guy. More wishes. Vulcan it up for everybody. You also get the ability to prophecy. Nice. Of course. The beholding of angels and ministering spirits.

So, like, you can see them? Yeah, the power of hallucinations. Got it. The ability to speak all languages. Okay. They had, like, three brownish people in Utah. I called them brownish. And finally, the ability to understand all languages.

And apparently, some people get one without the other yeah what so the level seven people can say things fluently but not understand just nodding along with themselves to be polite actually that sounds exactly like joe smith yeah along with himself to be polite. Also, I have to point out this line. In verse 23, God says, if you have faith, ye can do all things which are expedient unto me. I have to ask, did Joey not know what expedient means? Or is Mormon God supposed to be just like looking down on your cancer-ridden kid going, man, I don't know.

He's all the fucking way in Sheboygan. I'd have to get on the turnpike. Trains a bitch this time of day. Then he spends three or four verses desperately flailing for a profound sounding ending about how you should accept Christ and not touch dirty stuff. But then he gives up and he just closes with the holy book equivalent of any who is a beast. Yeah. Sounds like the end of my blog just like I'm done

and then we finally read the only two good words in the book the followed by end we made it pearl of great price no go fuck yourself So after 13 months of tedium

We never have to read anything Written by Joseph Smith ever ever again And that helps ease the pain of the officiating In the Jags game But we're not quite done with the Book of Mormon yet We still have one last Mormon Peace Theater Coming up along with a wrap up segment In three weeks where we'll all get to give this thing

The send off it deserves. Don't forget to jiggle the handle afterwards. Good call. Until then, this has been the Book of Morons. Woo! Signing off! Wrap-up's just gonna be like, okay. Boo!

Boo! Done. Just a techno remix of Heath's boo. Boo! Boo! Just a techno remix of Heath's Boo. Boo. Boo. Before we disengage tonight, I wanted to thank whoever the hell it was that turned me on to Neal Stephenson. I can't remember who it was, but it was somebody, a listener, they wrote in with a book recommendation on facebook i think it was but holy shit thanks

for that whoever you are anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern time on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday and if even that's too long to wait, be sure to like us on Facebook for bonus nuggets of scatheism pretty much every day. Obviously, this show wouldn't count towards our official stats

if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the tramp to my lady, or the lady of my tramp, depending on which side of that analogy he's less offended by. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being the lady to my Aunt Gentleman. Pretty sure I nailed that one.

I want to thank the lovely personality to Eli Bosnick for being the lady to my tiger. I'll explain that one right after the copyright notice. I also want to thank George Robb of the Geologic Podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote five years ago. Got all the way to the bottom of the well, guys. Incidentally, it has run dry, apparently. So if you'd like to promote your atheist or skeptical blog, podcast, Facebook page, YouTube channel, anything at all or nothing in particular, check the website for info on how to submit your Farnsworth quote.

Also, check out Gio's show. It's linked on the show notes and he's fucking hilarious. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mortals. Smanix, Octane, Matt, Dwayne, Merrill, Badali4, Revan, Justin, Angela, Ryan, Jake, TheFake, Jake, Libertarian, Shitlord, Nathaniel, Duck, James, Jonathan, Phil, Patrick, Vitter, Andrew, Simon, Phillip, Hunter, Greg, Zane, Lion, Jacob, Roberta, Evidence, Monkey, Connor, Nate, Wookiee, Stick, Lowercase F, H Hades, Scott Maru, Mimi Collin, I killed Andrew Wakefield and all I got for was this lousy t-shirt.

All right, I love the name, dude, but you could have given me a slightly shorter one at the end there. Anyway, Smanix, Octane, Matt, Dwayne, Mero, Badali, 4Revin, Justin, Angela, Ryan, Jake, TheFake, Jake, and LibertarianShitlord,, who are so sexy the Academy Awards feel dishonest using the word best next to their visual effects awards now. Nathaniel, Duck, James, Jonathan, Phil, Patrick, Vitter, Andrew, Simon, Philip, Hunter, and Greg, whose dick pics are so big they get charged postage to emailing them.

And Zane, Lion, Jacob, Roberta, Evidence, Monkey, Connor, Nate, Wookiee, Stick, Lowercase F, Hades, Scott, Maroon, Mimi, Colin, I Killed Andrew Wakefield, and all I got for it was this lousy t-shirt whose asses are so tight ancient Mormons try to immigrate across the Atlantic in them. Together, these three dozen dastardly disbelievers dashed the designs of the deceitful denizens of deism this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money, honey, despite our having of what they need, but if you think you possess the quantities of viscous, apian food substance

it takes to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingathe atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving every penny for a garage sized ball pit, I don't blame you. Good luck with that. In the meantime, you can help us a ton by leaving us a five-star

review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, or painting Listen to the Scathing Atheist on your car somewhere. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com I'm sure that's a real thing.

It's a real thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. You get a peeler and you fry them in canola oil and you're supposed to put salt on them and make them taste like bacon. Yeah, I'm sure it tastes just like bacon. Bacon is made of salt. Same as bacon.

And carrots. And carrots. Don't be silly. It's the same thing. Earthy bacon. Great. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.