The Scathing Atheist - 259: Mormonpiece Out Edition

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

In this week’s episode, we break out the Book of Mormon voices one last time, we learn which Jehovah's Witness elder ate the most cum-covered cookies, and we’ll examine the zero fold increase in worldwide demonic possession. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out the Reasonable Risk podcast here: http://www.reasonableriskpodcast.com/ Headlines: Idaho protest against killing kids with stupidity: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/28/group-fighting-faith-healing-will-march-with-symbolic-coffins-in-idahos-capitol/ Exorcists: Demonic possession is on the rise: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/27/exorcists-desperately-claim-dramatic-increase-in-demonic-possessions-worldwide/ MS bill would force teachers to read the ten commandments every day: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/23/mississippi-bill-would-force-teachers-to-recite-the-ten-commandments-every-day/ Photographer releases book about watching snake handling pastor get killed: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/27/how-the-photographer-of-a-snake-handling-pastor-handled-the-bite-that-killed-him/ Steven Anderson banned from Jamaica for being too homophobic: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/30/christian-hate-pastor-banned-from-jamaica-for-being-too-anti-gay/ MO lawmaker proposes law banning all marriages not conducted in a church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/24/mo-deaconlawmakers-bill-would-ban-marriage-unless-it-takes-place-in-church/ Update: Satanists challenge to MO abortion law might actually work: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/23/a-satanist-fights-for-her-religious-right-to-an-abortion-in-mos-supreme-court/ OK bill seeks to give all state wildlife to god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/20/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-give-almighty-god-ownership-of-all-wildlife/ Jehovah's Witness anti-masturbation videos: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/01/29/get-ready-to-cringe-jehovahs-witnesses-are-warning-people-not-to-masturbate/ This Week in Misogyny: GOP candidate, feminists have “snake filled heads” https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2018/01/25/gop-candidate-says-feminists-have-snake-filled-heads-hopes-daughters-dont-become-she-devils/?utm_term=.608c08a73e45 Lawmaker: “Women acting in moral defiance have no defense if raped” https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/arizona/2018/01/23/arizona-lawmaker-kelly-townsend-women-acting-moral-defiance-have-no-defense-if-raped-womens-march/1055970001/

Warning, I was trying to think of another way of warning British people that this podcast contained explicit language, but then I was like, fuck those people, and I just carried on with my life. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Zip Recruiter and by PayPal. A great way to send Eli money after his debit card gets denied at dinner and you realize he's broke and really needs some help right away. It's really rough. He's going to Zales, TGI Fridays. It's everything he hates. Just really, really sad. PayPal. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Michael Schaefer of the Reasonable Risk Podcast, and I'd say that the only reasonable answer to where men came from is that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's February 1st. And after Tuesday night's speech, I think we're all a little more sure God isn't real. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. From New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we act out the Book of Mormon one last time.

We learn which Jehovah's Witness elder ate the most cum-covered cookies. And we'll examine the zero-fold increase in worldwide demonic possession. First, the diatribe. My brother once told me I had a soul of the devil. I was probably about nine years old at the time, and as you know if you're a regular listener, I didn't have a hell of a lot of religious education growing up. And my parents didn't take us to church, and they didn't let anyone else do it either. In fact, I wasn't even allowed to spend the night with my friends on Saturday night, lest their parents take me to church the following morning.

But as any of you from sufficiently religious families know, if some fundies find out that, you know, there's some parents out there not letting their kids hear the word of Jesus, they basically take that as a challenge. They hear about some poor young soul being shackled to the satanic totem of free thought, and they start scheming ways to make the Jesus happen. And that's what happened to my brother. His friend's parents lied to my parents, told my mom that they were taking him to some museum or something, and then snuck his ass to church and got him saved. Now, this lasted about a week and a half as these things generally do. But during that brief period, he strutted around the house with a holier-than-thou haughtiness that was punctuated with frequent and conspicuous prayer, pausing every so often to tell my sisters and me all about how much hell we were going to.

And at one point during that little phase of his life, I made the mistake of interrupting one of those holy confabs with Jesus to ask him something, which is when I learned that I had a soul of the devil. When I learned that I had a soul of the devil. Now, this was my first taste of that temporary elation of conversion, but it would be a recurring theme throughout my life. I spent most of my formative years in South Georgia, ergo, most of my friends were at least nominally Christian. And from time to time, they'd go on little Jesus kicks and they wouldn't want to hang out with people like me anymore. And now, like my brothers, of course, these were all fleeting. The worst infestations might persist for a couple of months, but generally it ran its course in a couple of weeks,

and then they were getting shit-faced behind the school with us bad kids once again. Now, most of the time, this is just a minor inconvenience. It was a lot worse if it happened to be the girl I was dating or the person I was getting my weed from, but most of the time it was just one less ass in the car on a couple of Saturday nights. And sure, it usually came along with some half-hearted conversion attempts, but apparently I'm not that fun to try to convert. So those generally ended abruptly and with spectacular finality. So sure, there was an annoyance there, but mostly this was just an anthropological curiosity for me. It was something I had only ever observed from the outside. And even by the end of

middle school, I'd noticed that when somebody turned their life over to Jesus, he was keeping it in temporary storage. It struck me as hard to believe that all these friends of mine hadn't also noticed this. So to an outsider, it seemed absurd that they'd expect their conversion to behave any differently than the dozens or scores of likewise conversions they'd seen in the past. It was a theological equivalent of being a rock star when you grew up. But at a certain point in my life, I discovered cocaine. And then it all made so much more sense to me. Now, I'm not saying that cocaine offered up some great insight into the nature of the human condition. That was acid and ecstasy.

But cocaine did teach me all about addiction. And from that perspective, the whole getting saved thing makes a lot of sense. Now, before I push this analogy any further, I want to stress that it is an analogy, right? It pisses me off when I hear people talk about shopaholics and chocoholics and sexaholics, and not just because the ahol shouldn't technically be part of the suffix, rightics aren't addicted to elk but also it belittles the struggle of people going through actual physical addictions when we pretend that people who can't stop looking for cute boots are going through the same thing that being said there is no better model i can think of when i'm trying to construct the process of religious conversion than addiction right the first hit is free and

that's the best one. You go to church, you come up at altar call or whatever. Everybody there loves you. It's all about you for a minute. You're 10, 12, 15 years old. That's some potent shit. Hell, you're 32. That's some potent shit. Huge group of people all accepting you and paying attention to you all at once. That kind of emotional release combined with a promise of eternal love, who the fuck wouldn't get high off of that? Of course, the high you feel isn't from the love of God. It's from the love of the people surrounding you. But you're a temporary fix for them, so it's just a temporary fix for you. Next week, they're on to the next fresh fish in their desperate effort to vicariously recapture the feeling of being newly saved once again, and you

get to join them in the cycle now. some people spend decades chasing that dragon some people spend their whole lives but it's just as ephemeral as a crack high more so actually because at least crack is actually doing something but religious ecstasy is more like like placebo crack it's a high that you thought you had once instead of building up a tolerance you build up an immunity and despite that just like the cocaine addict the jesus addict doubles down ups the dosage recommits himself to christ and before long he's snorting his jesus off the tank of a truck stop shitter without a straw now obviously carl marx beat me to this analogy by about 174 years so i'm not claiming any ownership of it but the part that never made any sense to me and the part that still eludes me is how this isn't the intellectual deal breaker

a temporary realization is no realization at all when some previously incomprehensible concept in physics or calculus or whatever finally clicks in and i understand it, I don't stop understanding it later. I don't have to periodically recommit myself to Newton. Truth, by definition, doesn't fade with time. And anything you stop believing if you're not told it often enough is a fucking lie. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Philadelphia Eagles and New England Patriots of Atheism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, who wants to be the loser and who wants to be the cheater?

I have no idea what to pick. I'm a Giants fan. Right? Yeah, no, it's tough. So I was rooting for a 0-0 tie and for like everybody to get hurt and like a problem with the stadium and like Brady and Belichick, they get touched by a child with a pure heart from Make-A-Wish and they explode into a pile of snakes. I just wanted everything to go wrong. And Eli?

Pikachu. Pikachu. Well, in hopes of matching the inevitable Super Bowl assessment of at least the commercials were good, we're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's sponsor, ZipRecruiter. If you need an assistant, an accountant, secretary, or a nurse, a driver or a pilot, or a witch to break a curse, a dishwasher, bug squasher, tutor in Dutch, sign up for ZipRecruiter. They will come through in a clutch. If you need fire eaters, penguin feeders, techies for a show,

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight atheists kill babies so much better than religious thank you yeah i think we deserve a medal We're so much Our system is great We go around looking for pregnant women We convince them that giving birth is lame And we make them donate their baby to science Karen And then we abort the baby

We cure stuff with their stem cells And we eat the extremely tender meat that's left over We even make jewelry with their tiny little bones We're like the Native Americans Of killing babies. It's called class. It's called class. Meanwhile, religious people are just straight up

murdering kids of all ages by choosing prayer instead of medicine. So, I'm pretty sure we win the game. Can we call it, like, end of show? We done? Yeah. I'm good. I feel like we nailed this episode. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-ba-wee. Is that the End of show? We done? Yeah, I'm good. I feel like we nailed this episode. Banana, nana, nana, banana. Is that the end music?

Noah, say nice stuff about us. Banana, nana, nana, banana. Eli always listens to the end. Well, I have to say, as the Romans demonstrated repeatedly, being the best at killing babies is a winning strategy. So at the very least, we're inevitably going to win. Yeah. So I'm definitely excited about winning that really weird game just now.

But all those kids are still getting killed by religion. So it's like win-win-lose. We won the game. We kill lots of fetuses. Win-win. But real kids are dying. Win-win-lose. The dying. Win-win, lose. That's the lose part, depending on the kid.

Especially in Idaho. And that's because Idaho is homicidally insane, thanks in large part to being full of people who choose to live in Idaho. And those people decided that you're allowed to let your kid die if you're doing it for God. And considering they're the number one state for fucking deregulated filicide which is a thing all the kid murdering parents are moving there in possibly the most terrifying feedback loop ever created so in response to all this an anti-child murder group

that they need to have in idaho is having a march later this month in protest of religious exemptions from don't kill your kid laws. And I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, like, look, this would be tragic if the other option for these kids wasn't growing up in Idaho. And you're right. I mean, that makes it better.

But still. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but if this parade accidentally gets run over by a truck full of homeopathic cures, it's going to be super ironic, right? Just saying. Yeah, so the group is called Protect Idaho

Kids, and during their protest, they'll all be carrying child-sized coffins, which is a pretty powerful image. And also an image that made me wonder about the etiquette in coffin stores right i feel like i'm getting off track that's not really the point hi i'd like to buy 30 baby sized coffins it's fur to fame right hey morgan by the way edit out that part where Eli's Echo said reordering 30 baby-sized coffin. It sounds

bad out of context that he would have that. Yeah, that's fair. Also worth noting, Idaho's not even the only state that's doing this. If you're looking to murder a child, Idaho's definitely your mecca, but you have at least five other options

in the United States. Jesus Christ. Because, you know, federalists think the minutia of kid murder needs to be decided at the local level. Like slavery. It's important for states' rights to be a thing. Also, Mecca. And one last thing. How are we supposed to change the law? Like, they seem to be suggesting that an atheist needs to murder a child and be like you know no reason

darwin eugenics just felt like it whatevs i want a test case nobody do that just to be clear and um if you're a child in idaho with a sniffle get the fuck out right now or without a sniffle just nobody be in idaho leave okay heath you just broke the heart of our one listener in idaho tim is gonna be so upset i'm sorry tim sorry he did this to you don't murder your child out of anger yes and in conjecture systems news tonight scientific surveys around the world are showing an infinite increase and decrease in cases of genuine demonic possession, and that has exorcists worried. Or wait, no, not... What's the word

for when you want to fuck people out of money so you lie? It's not worried. I don't know. Trickle down? Patreon.com. Anyway, this has led Father Pat Collins to reach out to the Vatican, urging them to churn out more exorcists

to keep up with demand. Wow, that it really is a little bit like supply side economics. Like we make shit up and help the exorcism sector become more profitable. Then the price goes down and that money gets passed on to the consumer of imaginary. Yeah, right. So what we're saying is it's a slightly more realistic option than the coal industry it's like better coal yeah unless you mean beautiful clean coal in which is a in which case it's a lot more realistic the exorcism thing anyway uh collins told the irish

catholic that that's a newspaper by the way not a dismissive over generalization quote it's only in recent years that the demand has risen exponentially. End quote. Well, when asked what exponentially meant, he hazarded that it was a synonym for significantly because he's one of those fucking idiots that uses words because they sound smart, not because he knows what they mean. But to be fair, you can put pretty much whatever exponent you want over your zero. That's true. Except for a zero. Yeah, I guess so.

All right. Turns out zero. He claimed the world was desperately understaffed when it came to qualified exorcists and added that anyone who disagreed was, quote, out of touch with reality, end quote. End quote. Let me tell you right now, if you don't think we're just backed up with demons at this point, inhabiting the bodies of the living, then you are not realistically viewing the world. I am an adult who is in charge of a thing. Anything at all, too.

Like, my own toothbrush is probably too much here. Now, to be fair, he did say one technically non-bullshit sentence responding to what i could only assume was the reporter whacking his face against the nearest solid surface repeatedly he said quote what i'm finding out desperately is people who in their own minds believe rightly or wrongly that they're afflicted by an evil spirit, end quote. Not adding, good thing there's not a worldwide institution dedicated to exacerbating that patently self-destructive delusion, huh? Yeah, lots of people think Hillary Clinton fucked a kid under a pizza parlor. We don't need more mozzarella-themed undercover officers as a result. Right, exactly.

We can still, that sounds fun. Cool job. Not because fun. Cool job. Not because of the Hillary thing. A mozzarella themed anything pretty much has Heath excited. Let's not cross things off the list. Podcasting's not going to last forever. We need other

options. And a new debit card. And in way too many s-holes news tonight you're gonna get emails from the pleurectals again no oh god i'm so sorry i'm so no not that controversy again so uh democratic mississippi legislator credel calhoun has proposed a bill this week that among other things would mandate that teachers recite the 10 commandments at the beginning of each school day honestly if they can agree on which 10 out of

like 14 they're gonna go with i'd be astonished and i'd let him do it yeah right and so okay so he wants teachers to start the day saying i am the lord thy god i feel like mr arowood would have loved that it would have been more honest anyway so okay exactly so legislator calhoun whose first name is credel and was therefore always going to make decisions like this one introduced house bill one one zero zero this week which i assume is named after all the numbers Calhoun can count up to. And binary. Yeah, exactly. The bill would make the previously optional moment of silence during the school day mandatory.

It would place a copy of the Ten Commandments, where Mississippi already has mandatory In God We Trust signs, by the way, in every classroom. And finally, yes, each day would begin with the teacher reminding students not to lust after their neighbors wives all right well time to send in the muslims and the satanists that's the thing that solves all these like mississippi teachers end up chanting ala akbar and hail baphomet for a day they switch back to the bill of rights real fast yeah well the ones that survive the lynching switch back at very... Right, exactly. And you can't help but wonder with this

bill, what is Calhoun compensating for, right? Is he some kind of super atheist? Like, this is the red Ferrari of theocracy. Whatever it is, I don't know what's going on, but I personally look forward to the long, infinitely repeating cycle of someone taking them to court over this, them losing, David R. White making a movie where they didn't lose, us watching that movie, making fun of it, and the cycle beginning all over again.

All right. And podcasting never ends. Yeah, there you go. Don't have to do the mozzarella thing, even though I might do that just for fun. You're always going to be there, aren't y'all? You're always going to be there. Just like radio. I wish you wouldn't

put that in the silent film god damn it all right next up in cobra la la land news photographer lauren pond released a new book earlier this month called test of faith signs serpents salvation and it's all about the time she spent documenting Pastor Mack Wolford of West Virginia, the Pentecostal snake handling preacher who died in 2012 from a fatal case of Christianity. Right. And also, obviously, the resulting snake bite. And also refusing to have the snake bite treated by doctors, which goes back to the cause number one, the Christianity thing. Okay.

The craziest thing about that story, though, is the amount of people who were there and are still on board with the snake thing, right? Like, wouldn't that be it? Do you think? Okay, okay, okay. There is no only crazy thing about this story. And as a demonstration, I offer up the fact that among the people who watched a crazy snake handler die of being that stupid but kept doing it was mac walford who had seen his own

father die fucking his trick up only a couple years earlier he was a second generation crazy christian snake bite dyer yes the reason uh why the fuck you would handle venomous snakes during a sermon good question is because of a passage in the bible which is a book that millions of idiots take literally in mark 16 it's talking about the superpowers you get for being christian and it says quote in my name shall they cast out devils they shall speak with new tongues they shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them they shall speak with new tongues they shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover end quote ah i see so mark's the original tide pod challenge i guess exactly yeah so based on that

passage steve irwin of west virginia decided he should play with a rattlesnake during his sermons. Now, there's nothing that says it has to be a deadly snake. I just read it. But the details of the book aren't important unless it's about gay people, I guess. Also, seems like God was offering a few other options besides the snake thing for doing your little faith demo skit. But, you know, sick people are gross and we don't touch them so the pastor kept playing with deadly snakes and unfortunately for him the time dimension kept going and he got attacked eventually well attacked seems a little harsh responded to appropriately for a snake is probably fair in this instance but yeah that's what's always freaked me out

about these snake handlers of all those different superpowers. They don't cast out the devils. They don't heal the sick. They fucking stroke snakes. Yeah. And speaking nonsense words, those are the two they pick. Yeah. Those fucking stupid. Of those five.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So this whole story gets told by the photographer in her book, which is terrible, by the way. Don't buy this book. It's all about how Pastor Mac was like a super nice person and yeah he tricked people into almost dying from rattlesnake attacks but look how rustic his porch is oh it's fucking horrible yeah it's 2018 damn it we save our feel-good profiles for literal nazis okay anyway preachers the only thing of value in her book seems to be the lesson that accidentally got built in so after the pastor got attacked he told everyone that he didn't

want a doctor because that would you know fuck up his magic demo but this photographer was pretty insistent about going to the hospital but he he was like, you know, just keep taking pictures. It's fine. It's fine. So she spent the next six hours taking a terrifying series of him dying pics. Yeah.

Honestly, I think the laser background at that point was in poor taste. I'm going to say it right now. Okay. Well, this makes so much. So that's what you were looking at

the other day. I thought you were just watching the 700 club and that seemed like a weird choice for you, it was the it was the guy dying on the snake i got oh yeah so the photographer obviously didn't mean to give an amazing lesson on the value of atheism but i'd say the moral of the story is pretty clear uh friends don't let friends be christian if you see something say something it's just like terrorism and drunk driving christianity is like a drunk terrorist getting behind the wheel you take the keys of a

nuclear pinto exactly exactly exactly and in missouri loves company news tonight a new house bill put forward in missouri this week would make not only gay marriage illegal, but would invalidate marriages that didn't take place in a church or between non-church members. What? That's right. State Representative T.J. Berry, who, despite sounding like a hip hop themed cereal, looks like he's always just been told the FBI confiscated his computer, introduced a law this week that wouldn't just make gay marriage illegal it would undo all non-churchy heathen marriages to boot what insane his bigotry is taking the form of trying to steal an entire word it's just about the word at this yes uh-huh it's like if if white people tried to own the n-word.

Black people need a note from a white person from now on. We're taking it back. But see, this is going to backfire. It's going to be just like the Idaho thing because that means in Missouri neither Eli nor I are married. So if Eli and I are ever going to fuck, it's definitely going to be in Missouri

now. Yeah. By the way, that live show is coming up so get your tickets i'm just kidding we would never do a live show or again so i want a caveat here i read the bill or i tried to read the bill because it looks like it comes from the trump tax plan school of proofreading it's like it looks like it got in a knife fight with zorro pen it is so clearly illegitimate bullshit written in them fancy words that a lawyer just later had to go through with white out if ever i've seen it so i have no idea what it says that's the point whole sections of this bill are crossed out some of it has notes some of it refers to other sections nonsensically it's a ton of fun wow so sloppy disorganized writing i can't even imagine what that must look like

that's gotta be a disaster rough for the guys who do the interjections terrifying okay hurtful hurtful i don't give you guys notes on air but but it's fine. Whatever. Okay. What we do know is that Representative Dingleberry had an email exchange with Hemant Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist blog where he made it clear, yes, I am that stupid. See, according to Barry, the point wasn't to make churches like a weird training ground so you could call yourself a true fire mage. No, no, no. It's to make sure that nobody accidentally forces churches to marry gay people what i feel like king solomon could help solve this actually um so we offer to cut the word marriage in half and we give a piece to the gay people and a piece to the church and then when tj barry yells out we call mar then we know who deserves it we know who gets

the whole yeah yeah no that would finally settle the uh the question of who the bad guy is in this scenario uh but tj berry he's no bigot oh i spoke too soon okay you did in the email exchange with he mentions that he recently attended a wedding where quote a ceremony where a person dressed up as batman came out and did the wedding ceremony end quote so yeah he's as egalitarian as they come guys no no stickler for tradition is he listen i'm not an insane person and a bigot. Some of my best friends are Batman. So there you go. Sir, I just asked if you were ready to order.

And with the realization that this guy is literally cooler with the abomination that is a cosplay-themed wedding than he is with gay people getting married, we have to wonder, if this bill passes, what that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. Lou, Lou, Lou. I'm T.J. Barry. Just smelling my own poop. Lou, Lou, Lou.

Representative Barry? Oh, hi. Paul, right? Yeah, yeah. Thanks for seeing me. I love the new law. It's totally not homophobic at all. Yeah, yeah, of course.

But I do have a couple of questions. Sure, can i do for you okay well well my wife and i had an outdoor ceremony uh when we got married uh domestically unicated is what you mean by married right domestically uh unicated right but but a preacher did it so i'm wondering if we're still uh no sadly you are not married but if you'd like to get married i'm a deacon and i'd be happy to hi sorry sorry to interrupt are you tj barry uh sorry i'm i'm in a meeting right now yeah no this won't take long at all love the new law we are not bigots so when i got married i was a member of the church but my wife wasn't so are we married technically according to the new um you are but she is not oh okay okay wait but but then who is he married to oh that's a good question oh uh well do i need a divorce from that person to remarry

my wife can i marry my wife if i've been divorced and does the divorce need to be in a church um uh oh question what if i'm getting married and the church wall falls down and my wife is standing outside but i'm still inside. What am I doing legally? Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to need a whiteboard and some markers. This is a whole lot.

Seems like it. Let's get it down. We're not bigots. Nope. We are not. Nope. Definitely not. And with that conundrum swimming around in my head, we'll take a break and hand things over to my lovely wife in 49 states and fuck buddy in missouri lucinda a man wrote the bible a horse

which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in look i get this is a small segment on a small podcast, but there are still times when I read the news and feel like certain people are angling for a mention. Take, for example, GOP Senate candidate Cortland Sykes, who delivered a speech that might as well have been titled, Hey, Lucinda, I have the intellect and visage of a testicular wart. Please tell your listeners. have the intellect and visage of a testicular wart.

Please tell your listeners. In what can only be seen as a concerted effort to edge that blue wave a little closer to tsunami territory, he delivered an anti-vaginal screed that made a legitimate rape sound like an excerpt from the vagina monologues. Highlights of his speech include referring to feminists as she-devils, reminding his audience that he wants his dinner ready when he comes home at 6 p.m.,

and saying independent women have, quote, snake-filled heads, end quote. Now, I kind of hope that last one was just his wife's excuse for biting his dick every time he wants her to go down. Oh, sorry, hon, must have been all those snakes in my head again. But one way or the other, the re-elect Claire McCaskill's campaign appreciates his efforts. But of course, the good people of Missouri can at least offer up the excuse that this guy hasn't been elected for anything. Not so for the good people of Mesa, Arizona, where their state representative took to Facebook last week to retroactively excuse sexual assault. Arizona State Rep Kelly Townsend, who refuses to let having a vagina slow down her misogyny, posted a photo of a topless attendee at the Phoenix Women's March last weekend with a caption that basically said, will somebody please rape this bitch?

Okay, to be fair, it wasn't quite that bad. What she actually said is that women who would dare to publicly display their boobs and whatnot, quote, will have no defense when they are sexually assaulted or even worse, raped, end quote. So, yeah, it's not that she implied that topless women deserve to be raped. It's that she outright fucking said it. No implication required. She also added, and I thought this was a bit weird, but at the very end, she added, quote, and no, you won't be able to blame President Trump, hashtag put your shirt on, end quote. I just feel like it's unjustifiably optimistic to assume that Trump wouldn't be the one doing the sexual assaulting. After all, as he's fond of saying,

somebody's doing the rapings. Now, if you'll excuse me, if I don't hit the bathroom now, there's no way I'm going to have all the ingredients to Cortland Sykes' wife in time for his 6 o'clock dinner. So I'll wrap things up there and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in satanic baby murderers news tonight. 2015 court case of Mary Doe, who cited her membership in the Satanic Church in her case against the state of Missouri's blatantly unconstitutional 72-hour mandatory waiting period for an abortion. They may also remember that a state judge threw her case out two years ago because at the time of her challenge, she wasn't pregnant anymore. And hey, even if you

aren't a longtime listener, you probably recognize what a stupid legal choice that is, you know, in like a murder case. Yeah, right. That makes the statute of limitations on standing 72 hours, doesn't it? I'm sorry, man, but you don't have standing. She just squirts cum inside herself with a turkey baster. I'll wash it out. I'll fucking do it.

Back up. Now do I have standing? Vivid. Vivid. Right. It's the legal argument from, but is the defendant murdering you now? Right. So as we predicted at the time, an appeals court revived the case, which will be heard in the state Supreme Court this week.

But here's the weird thing. And I'm Donald Trump will never be president levels the state supreme court this week but here's the weird thing and i'm donald trump will never be president levels of wary about saying this there doesn't seem to be a way for a theocratic court to get around this thing i mean either missouri admits that its laws are theocratic bullshit or the membership of the satanic church is about to fucking skyrocket. Especially if we only abort the Christian fetuses. Yeah, right. Basically, right now, a bunch of asshole pastors are playing chicken with like some goth kids in a hearse.

And whatever happens, it's going to be amazing. It's gonna be amazing. Yeah, and honestly, fetus hostage chicken seems like a great movie premise sending little pieces of zygote in the mail like this would have become a toe with nail polish well i for one i'm just looking forward to the missouri republican mayor who gets caught asking his mistress if she doesn't like feel a little satany now and then when he gets bad news and in beasts of Novation news tonight, a new bill in Oklahoma

seeks to clear up the lingering question of who owns all the river otters and pronghorns. And it turns out, by the way, that that would be Jesus. So the Queen of England may have all the swans, but the King of the Jews has all the northern hogsuckers and hispin cotton rats.

Are those real? Yeah, all of them are. Do they rename all the animals to just be and hispin cotton rats are those real yeah all of them do they rename all the animals to just be weird rednecky words that make me feel stupid they all sound like silly minor league baseball teams i'm with noah americans are on a naming things time out until like the year 3000 amen brother amen so this meaningless little story comes to us from Hemant Medover, the Friendly Atheist blog, and it's too stupid not to mention. It starts when Oklahoma State Senator Nathan Dahm notices that an obscure law in Oklahoma says, quote, all wildlife found in this state is the property of the state. The people of the state of Oklahoma place authority

to manage all the wildlife, blah, blah, blah. So Dom thinks to himself, well, shucks, that ain't right there. So he has his office cross out the words the state and replace them with the words almighty God. What does he think is being accomplished? I don't know.

God was just pacing behind a force field like Darth Maul waiting to play with those cotton rats and those mud clumps or whatever the fuck animals they have. Okay, but this brings up a very serious question. Are gay people allowed to hunt slash ride those animals now? I mean, how sincerely held are these animals? Right. Yeah, exactly.

So as Hemant points out in his write-up, this doesn't exactly change anything or do anything or anything. But it's good to know that people being paid by the state are spending their time finding places to sneak Jesus into the margins of legislation. And also that this is what they're doing instead of meaningful shit. By the way, this is not ancillary to a larger point, right? Like this bill wasn't going through and he's like, oh, wait, wait, let me let me read pennant real quick. wasn't going through and he's like oh wait wait let me let me red pen it real quick dom introduced a standalone bill that does nothing but swap out the words the state for almighty god that is his contribution to the political process oklahoma state senators by the way are paid 38 400 a year and they have about 65 legislative days a year 600 bucks day. They're paying them to do shit like this

with a staff. What the fuck is happening? Okay, new idea for the wording. We go with God gets all the animals. Helen, read that back to me. Can you read that back to me? Actually, you know what? Let's get some food first. We will really workshop this after lunch.

I feel better after a sandwich. Let's do coke. Let's get some. And we wonder how they built the pyramids. And finally tonight, we have a story about the greatest thing to happen in Christian cinema since Gary Busey's teeth were forged in Mordor. And if you guessed,

leaked video of Jehovah's Witness leaders warning about the evils of masturbation then you're really good at this game and if you also guessed they warn about the dangers of fucking a pillow as well then you win and so does everyone else because that's exactly what happened i'm so happy yeah but the question, who leaked the footage from my nanny cam to the Jehovah's Witnesses, right? Let's talk about root causes. I feel like we talked about this, Eli. That's my standard response when people send me emails trying to save my

soul is to send them that video. You said that was okay. It is okay. I wanted to thank you. Oh, okay. You're welcome. Get you a lovely basket. Alright, so, looks like I won't need to dress up as a kid dying of leukemia anymore because I made a wish and

it came true. And it's everything I hope for and more. That doesn't mean we can't play terminal dress up anymore. It does not mean that, correct. So We're still doing that. So the video's in two parts one with a lecture for men and the other with a lecture for women and they're both delivered by a different creepy old man who's an elder at

their weird spy network all together it's over an hour of deadpan sex criminal health teacher talking about gay cum like it's an episode of mr rogers it's pretty amazing the gay cum episode of mr rogers not my favorite gonna throw that out there yeah yeah they should have known better than to start turning those hand puppets inside out that late in the game yeah so you gotta watch the videos yourself to get the whole experience but here's a few highlights you can look forward to. And these are only from the video for men. The video for women, it's just like 20 minutes of wear more fabric or you deserve to get assaulted.

I don't even want to talk about it. It's depressing. But here's some details about the men's one. Anyway, they start you off with a graphically detailed discussion of homosexual legwear and the exact shape of the male camel toe which was a camel nose i guess whatever and this is to discourage masturbation they're doing it wrong and from there it goes into a discussion of what's very clearly the narrator's first time having gay sex until he realizes what's happening. It's amazing.

He says, quote, consider a situation. A group of single brothers has a meal together. And after most leave, two of them remain behind in the room drinking alcohol. At one point, the one asked the other if he's ever woken up with an erection. Their conversation starts to touch on sexual matters are they flirting their conversation sexual desires in them even though they are the same sex this could easily lead to comments or curiosity about each other's bodies don't deceive yourself into thinking this could never happen. End quote.

Honey, sweetie, that doesn't happen to straight people, teacher man. Right. Look, gay if you want it gay, but I made it 30 years without the conversation just accidentally slipping into dicks. Well, I mean, not exactly because I don't think I've ever had a conversation with you that didn't slip into dicks eventually but that's where the dick slipping ends is conversationally and it definitely wasn't accidental that's right we didn't all right it's either not accidental and i've never just been like fuck i'm wondering about another man's body again i'm like i'm wondering about another man's body because i want to have sex with him It's not like ah it's weird You know how you can't get a song out of your head

Or the idea of sucking a dick Smile You've got French It's in there With a big black dick Big black dick Yeah it just gets The stanza

The whole thing Is just peppered with homophobic slurs from repressed gay men, just like that one. And a running theme is a breakdown of what counts as masturbation. For example, the creepy old man asks, quote, does a person have to use their hands to masturbate? I'll tell you right now, he does not. Say a brother wears an undergarment that's so tight it rubs his penis as he moves around. He gets aroused and even

ejaculates. Is he masturbating? Yes, he is. Wait, wait, wait. I want to see that. First of all, I want some of those undergarments. Second of all, I will pay good money for that video of just like, yeah, hey, Macarena, Macarena, so close.

Alright, well, let me tell you, you're using your penguin pants wrong. Enjoy those. I gave them back. He continues, does there have to be an orgasm for it to be considered masturbation? Suppose a brother starts rubbing his genitals against a pillow.

He gets an erection but stops before having an orgasm. Is he masturbating? Again, yes he is, end quote. This is an awesome game show. Is he masturbating? Yes! Did it, Dan?

This is just like the fucking skit we just did about the marriage thing, except he's for real and it's about dicks. I want him to just be like, what if a brother just keeps rewinding Magic Mike? Is this masturbation? Yes. Yes, it is.

This is the kind of thing I think about while i'm heterosexualing yep and uh one other moment you definitely don't want to miss is the discussion of what does and does not qualify as pornea what which means fornication in j-dub talk it's an old greek word they took they use it anyway they define pornea as quote sexual relations involving persons not married to each other includes acts such as oral sex anal sex and masturbating another person that's not what that means it always involves deliberate manipulation of the genitals and at least one other person or animal. End quote.

Yup. And they give us examples of porneia, which includes getting a lap dance because, you know, you're letting the stripper stimulate her genitals on your leg. That's how they think lap dances work. And it also includes anything over the pants with or without cum but in a

surprise twist this is my favorite part you want to know what is not pornea having a jerk party with your bros that is not pornea that's you don't even have to sit back to back amazing i i love this list because it means that there was that one guy in j-dub council that just kept asking questions until they told him to shut up right okay but what if i intentionally hold my legs apart while i'm on a bus on a crappy road next item jerry we're moving on jerry all right so one last note um i just checked and porneahub.com is available somebody grab that start sending us royalties you are welcome yeah you're going to be a billionaire podcast and can't last forever and with our backup income thus secured i suppose we can close the headlines

for the night heath eli thanks as always is he masturbating when we we come back, Mormon Peace Theater will return for one last time. Hey, Anna, what are you listening to? Oh, hey, Carl, just a new song from my album. Wait a second, you got an album? Yeah, it's called The Ring, and it's available now on CD Baby iTunes or wherever else you get your music. Oh, wow. Well, what if I want a CD to, like, play in my Walkman? You have a Walkman?

Yeah, old school's the new school. Well, you can order it online at CD Baby soon. Okay, but, like, what if I don't want to listen to your album? Well, then you can straight-up fuck yourself, can't you? Wow, you really are Eli's wife. I want to fuck. Okay, that's enough. They don't like that joke.

As the Book of Mormon slowly rolled to a close, the words ran out of stuff to say and stalling? I'm stalling? Don't even begin to capture the sheer volume of nothing that this book contains in its final pages. But Joseph Smith has a unique ability to say nothing in a damn confusing manner, and we'll be damned if we're going to leave you hanging.

So we're pleased to present one final installment of... Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. Literally everyone died. Remember what the fuck else could one possibly write about in a book where all the characters are dead? Wait a second. Eli, I said that last

week. Eli! What's up, N-Dog? Stop trying to make N-Dog work right now. Okay, pin in that. We don't need to make a decision. What's up? Well, this is last week's script. No, no, this is the second book in the Book of Mormon

that takes place after all the characters in the last book die. Really? Really. Okay, uh, as you were. You got it, Endog. Hey, everyone. It's me, Moroni. If you remember, I was hidden away whilst all the world was torn asunder.

I'm back for one more holy book. Tell you some really important stuff. So listen up. Washing your hands is good. Hey, Joe? Yeah? good hey uh joe yeah look uh me and the missus really appreciate you uh staying with us while you finish your holy book but looks like that's wrapping up so we were just wondering wondering wondering when you'll be, you know, moving on. Oh, I just remembered some really important stuff

that if you don't know it, you're going to go to hell for sure. Hondo P. I'm sorry, you were saying? Never. Never mind. Hey, boys, it's me, Jesus. Remember the time when I was, like, talking to all of you never mind hey boys it's me Jesus remember the time

when I was like talking to all of you and I gave you all the ability to give people the Holy Spirit that's like super important

right yeah but aren't aren't we all dead yeah how is Moroni relating this story doesn't make sense uh

oops and so I told her, bitch, I am not going to do this over Instagram. If you want to talk to me... Jesus? Uh, Jesus? Oh, uh, what? It's me again? Oh, right. Um, oh, okay. Uh, also, you are all priests

now. We're priests now? Yup. And if you want to make more priests, this is important, uh, you go to another guy and you're like, hey, you're a priest now. Then you, you know, boop. Um, is the boop part of it? No. Silly. I was just, just giving you a boop. Boop.

It's right there. Thank, thank you? Now you got to blow it off my finger and make a wish Jesus? Seriously, me again In the same, okay How about communion? Like you say, I take this bread

And I eat it And it's my body And yum yum yum, delicious I love Jesus That sounds like a worse version of an existing thing. Yeah, I'm thinking of calling it atheistically speaking. Okay, that's just mean. He doesn't listen.

Also communion. See, remember this time that they were going to switch back to me. Didn't forget. So you take the wine and you drink it and you say you love me and you're done. Good? Good. Say, Joe, don't we Mormons not drink alcohol?

Oh, shit. Yeah. Right. So you take the water and you drink the water and then you say you love me and you're done. Good? Good. Hello and welcome to our two-step baptism course. Okay.

Step one, contrition. I'm sorry. Like you mean it. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. And step two, dunk. End of baptism instructions.

And lo, in a time three members of the church do speak against a fourth, he is excommunicated. Pastor, you gotta come help us. Dave stabbed Brett. We, we, he did. We saw it. We both saw it. Okay, so just the two of you saw it? Yeah, I mean, there's blood everywhere, and I don't know if he's gonna... Ah, ah, ah, ah. What's the rule? Three people. Three people. Three people, exactly.

Oh, uh, Brett saw it. Uh, it doesn't count. He's dead now. Dear son, it's me, your dad, you are Maroney. Just writing you a letter and not because you are out of stuff to say just uh wanted to let you know a few things let's see uh native americans are gross i am not a satanist super best friend promised and um you know throw a couple bucks to the poor here and there

believe in jesus and text your mother dear son i almost forgot people who baptize babies are gross not naming names but anyone who does that is a douche kano of the first order i mean what do you do with a baby that's in hell anyway welcome to hell you will taste the wrath god damn it was that another baby dave dave Was that another baby? Dave? Dave? I got another baby? Seriously? Is yours from Oklahoma City too?

Um, I think so, yeah. What do you think happened? I don't know. Anyway, you know what to do. Take its candy. Yeah, anyway, that would be weird. Love, Dad, who will probably not die in a giant war in a second. Was that an Oklahoma City bombing joke? It was, yes.

Huh. Dear Maroney, see? Told you I wouldn't die. Anyway, things are really bad here. Oh, boy, are they bad. They're making wives eat their husbands and children eat their fathers. These dirty, dirty layman nuts. Kids, dinner.

Oh, man. Dad again? Now, you listen to me, young man. When I was your age, if I didn't eat every bite of my father, I didn't leave the table. There are kids in China with no father to eat at all, so be grateful. What's a

China? Never mind. Now, pass the testicles. Anyway, yeah, things are pretty bad here, but if everyone had believed in Jesus They wouldn't be eating their dad's balls Toodles, Mormon Sorry about that, dad's, right?

Anyway, looks like it's time for a summary montage or something Am I right? Clip episode? Huh? That'll be fun. You guys remember Alma? Gah. That was fun.

Right? You remember that character? Pizza bagels. Right? Another good one. That was good. I'm Jesus. Oh, what fun we had.

Anyway, remember, if you believe in Jesus, uh, you get superpowers. Power one, the ability to teach wisdom. And if you say you found it dented, they'll give you a discount. Huh. Yeah. Power two, the ability to teach knowledge. And that's how the moon was made. Huh.

Power three, healing powers. Hello, sir. Would you like to hear about how... Oh, thank God. You guys are Mormons, right? Uh, yes. We are. You have to get in here.

Someone stabbed my friend. He needs your help. Oh. That is not actually how it... And he's dead. Okay. Power four Working mighty miracles Is this your card?

It might be Boo Boo Power five The ability to prophecy Dude, watch out You're going to step in that shit No, I'm not

Mormon Power six The ability to prophecy. Dude, watch out. You're going to step in that shit. No, I'm not. Mormon. Power six. The ability to speak all languages. Je n'ai aucune idée de ce que je dis maintenant. Power seven. The ability to understand all languages. Quoi? Tu aurais le droit d'être un meilleur maman.

Le but. Le but. Le but. Oh, fuck. Uh, this is the end of the book. Um, okay. Well, you know what they say. Uh, Penny saved his, damn it,

the Lord. Alright, hear me out. He's like Cheris cause, no, he's not the cherries. You're the cherries. And he's like a guy who makes cherry stuff, like a cherrier, if that's a word. And it, anyway, the end. And on that anticlimactic note,

we're going to close out the book that's haunted our nightmares for over a year now. We hope you've enjoyed Mormon Peace Theater. Before we cue the copyright warning tonight, I wanted to thank all the people who took me up on that call to replenish my stockpile of Farnsworth quotes. First and foremost, of course, Michael from the Reasonable Risk podcast who provided the one we use today and whose podcast you'll find linked on the show notes. I'm good to go for at least a few months, but by all means, keep them coming. Never can have too many. I don't give a shit what Eli implies. Podcasting is going to last forever. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with

more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting 24 hours after that, and a yet newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting 29 hours after that. Obviously, this show wouldn't achieve full maturity if I neglected to say nice things about Eli, Heath, and Lucinda, so a huge thanks to Heath for his unique ability to make a six-paragraph script about homicidal child neglect hilarious, an equally huge thanks to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for for his unique ability to make a six paragraph script about homicidal child neglect hilarious. An equally huge thanks to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for her superhuman

ability to maintain a sense of humor despite her weekly charge. Another equally huge thanks to lovely in his own way Eli Bosnick for his ability to maintain a superhuman sense of humor despite his weekly schedule. And most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Damian, Jessica, Topic of Month Podcast, Potoroid, Nick, Christopher, Kernan, Javier, Andrew,

Matthew, Richard, Dan, Renit, Nick, James, and Rufflebutt Sarah. Damian, Jessica, Topic of Month podcast, Poteroid, Nick, Christopher, Kernan, Javier, Andrew, Matthew, Richard, Dan, Renit, Nick, James, and Rufflebutt, Sarah. Damian, Jessica, Topic of Month podcast and Poteroid, who give the Wizard of Oz wonderfulness of things done envy. Nick, Christopher, Kernan, and Javier, whose tongues are so talented their oral has been promoted

to Brigadier Generalingus. Andrew, Matthew, Richard, and Dan, who can't wear cock rings unless you count an Einstein ring. And Renit, Nick, James, and Rufflebutt, Sarah, whose intellects are so vast they understood that last joke without having to Google it. Together, these 16 savory savants

of skepticism signify their support for our scurrilous screeds against the sanctimonious stupidity of the spiritual swindlers this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the superior secularism skills it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access

to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a donating money kind of way, you can also give us a five-star review on iTunes,

share the show, or think about us when you masturbate. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer, S. Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions,

comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. I'm sure next week's episode is going to be brought to us by how unethical pugs are. That's actually written down. I have a list going. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.