The Scathing Atheist - 267: Host with the Most Edition

Episode Date: March 29, 2018

In this week’s episode, we discuss Trump’s crayon-panned trans ban, we learn that your firearms are useless against killer swarms of bee-sting acupuncturists, and Noah will do battle with eucharists, because when it comes to hosts, there can be only one. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out Transylvania Television, click here: https://watch.seeka.tv/#/catalog?fi=11e69ada-f41b-2235-b5e2-0adb670d5395 Headlines: Trump White House Avoids Calling Austin Bomber, a Devout Christian, a Terrorist (lead?) http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/21/trump-white-house-avoids-calling-austin-bomber-a-devout-christian-a-terrorist Kevin Swanson blames Austin bombing on Superhero movies: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/kevin-swanson-blames-austin-bombings-on-superhero-movies/ Leaders of Dangerous “Macrobiotic” Diet Cult Accused of Using Members as Slaves http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/24/leaders-of-dangerous-macrobiotic-diet-cult-accused-of-using-members-as-slaves Tennessee Lawmakers Pass Bill Requiring Public Schools to Post “In God We Trust” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/22/tennessee-lawmakers-pass-bill-requiring-public-schools-to-post-in-god-we-trust Focus on the Family only supports happy gay conversion therapy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/22/christian-group-dont-say-we-support-gay-conversion-therapy-even-though-we-do/ Head of Christian College: When You See LGBTQ, “Replace Those Letters With ISIS” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/20/head-of-christian-college-when-you-see-lgbtq-replace-those-letters-with-isis Trump’s trans military ban guided by Christian hate group leaders: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/anti-lgbtq-activists-reportedly-helped-guide-new-pentagon-policy-on-trans-service-members/ Man Who Vandalized Buddhist Monastery Says God Sent Him to Destroy “False Idols” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/20/man-who-vandalized-buddhist-monastery-says-god-sent-him-to-destroy-false-idols Woman Dies Due to Gwyneth Paltrow-Endorsed Bee Sting Acupuncture Treatment http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/21/woman-dies-due-to-gwyneth-paltrow-endorsed-bee-sting-acupuncture-treatment This Week in Misogyny: OH republicans propose bill giving death penalty to abortion doctor: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/23/ohio-republicans-propose-bill-to-punish-abortion-doctors-with-the-death-penalty/ Christian School Bans Girl from Prom Due to Small Mesh Cutouts on Side of Dress http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/23/christian-school-bans-girl-from-prom-due-to-small-mesh-cutouts-on-side-of-dress/#jq8mQiMtaJ18E1yV.99 Girl scout cookies = abortion and sexual promiscuity: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/22/christian-right-group-girl-scout-cookies-fund-abortion-and-sexual-promiscuity/

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language. Shit, for example. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the political rally in Salt Lake City last weekend, the March for Our Wives, organized by the Polygamy 2 campaign, and now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, I'm the vampire count Voldemir LeChoc from Seeker.TV's Transylvania Television, a monster puppet comedy that's really not for kids. As an immortal vampire, I can assure you that you did, in fact, evolve from dirty monkey men. And you are delicious. It's Thursday.

It's March 29th. And we're where the wind comes sweeping down the plane. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we discuss Trump's crampan trans ban. Your firearms are useless against killer swarms of bee sting acupuncturists.

And I'll do battle with Eucharists, because when it comes to hosts, there can be only one. But first, the diatribe. you know one thing i love about christians is that when they figure out what's really wrong with me they don't hesitate to let me know i mean think about the altruism there they don't hesitate to let me know. I mean, think about the altruism there. They don't have to let me know about that God-sized hole in my heart. They don't have to tell me about the eternity and hell I'm courting. They don't have to pray for me, but they do. In fact, they're so quick to assess the psychological and theological needs and failings of a person they've never met, you might even mistake them for sanctimonious assholes. For example, I had a Christian email me the other day

and let me know that he'd figured out exactly what sinister, previously undiscovered personality flaw motivated my every action. Now, think about it. He could have ransomed that off. Consider how valuable that information is. But no, in a show of great charity and selflessness, he just copied it right into the same email. He didn't even make me wait. So here it is. All right, you ready? I'm angry. I know, but there's more. Wait, wait. I'm angry at God. Now, I know it probably seems like I'm not. What with the me not believing in him thing, which that's probably why I hadn't noticed for so long, but he was certain of it. And what's more, he even had proof. See, he'd listened to most of one of our episodes and he noticed that we don't really focus on atheism. We focus on how terrible

Christians are. And if you think about it, that means we're not speaking out of our love for atheism. We're speaking out of our hate for God. Now now normally i ignore emails like this and it's not out of callousness or anything but non-listeners get lowest priority on my email response itinerary and i get a lot of emails but for whatever reason i decided to write this dude back and i wound up in a week-long exchange with him i never quite got my point through his thick fucking skull but i thought it was one that might be worth bringing to you. After all, you might just get an unsolicited psychological assessment from this guy or somebody just like him in the future and, you know, want an argument for it.

So ultimately, his question boils down to this. If you're really in this movement because you think atheism is good, why do you spend so much time talking about how bad religion is? And at a glance, that seems like a stupid fucking question. Even at a long glance, it continues to seem like look religion or no religion is a dichotomy lowering one necessarily raises the other right if i'm telling you about how awesome seatbelts are i'm going to get there by talking about what not wearing a seatbelt does but there's more to the question than that see we like to pretend in atheism

that the simple fact that we're right is enough, but technically speaking, it isn't. Or maybe it is, but it's still more complicated than that. As much as we'd like to keep the argument and the truth playing field, once in a while, we've also got to descend to the benefits arena. Now, we don't have to go there quite as often

as religious people seem to think, but we do have to go there. Our instinctual dismissal of arguments from utility doesn't entirely hold up logically, and it doesn't remotely hold up socially. I mean, obviously it doesn't, because we won all the does God exist arguments back in the 1800s, and there are still churches. So if we can prove that there's no God, or get as close to that as logic allows in terms of disproving the existence of something, why are we still fighting? Well, that's because of the utility thing, right? See, God not existing is plenty of justification

for not believing in him, but it's not quite enough to justify going out into the world and telling other people they shouldn't believe in him. And just being right isn't enough. If I tell you how the next season ends before you watch it, it doesn't matter that I'm right. That makes it worse.

Or more to the point, if I knew how to make a nuclear bomb out of like common household items, the simple fact that my plans were correct wouldn't justify me putting them on the internet. To justify the activism, atheism has to be more than right. It also has to be beneficial.

Now, this is an especially hard hurdle to clear with atheism because it's a position that's defined by a lack of a thing. It has no inherent benefit. It's a neutral position. I can't tell you how awesome the absence of tumors are without telling you how terrible cancer is.

So by logical necessity, an atheist activist has to make the case for how malignant religion is. And obviously, this isn't new. You know, this is something that pretty much everybody but the guy who was emailing me already knew. But it's not something everyone accepts. Obviously not, or we'd have hung up our spurs by now it all boils down to the noble lie argument that you so often hear from fellow atheists who hold their noses at atheist activism you know that that but leave the little people to their little thoughts arrogance

that glares down from its high horse to decry your pedestal and they argue that our harsh criticism might pierce the fragile bubble that shields the little people from the terror of mortality and the hedonism of an unsupervised existence. And that's in no one's best interest. Now, nevermind the smug pretensions of that view. I mean, just because I can make you sound like a prick

when I present your argument doesn't make you wrong. And instead, let's focus on the implications of it, right? These folks would argue that convincing a bereaved mother that her child's in heaven would be a moral good or at the very least, disabusing her of that illusion wouldn't be. And at a glance, it seems like they got a point. After all, science and logic can't offer up anything more comforting than an eternal paradise for her kid. But of course, that lie can't be restricted, can it? We can't turn it on and off at will to believe that after the kid dies you have to tell her about it before and if she believes you and say the kid's going

through some pretty rough chemotherapy the flaw in our heaven lie presents itself pretty quick doesn't it hmm more chemotherapy just for a couple more decades in a relatively shitty place or a fast pass to paradise let me think about this you know it's like ancient world maps you go back to the roman empire or even the assyrians and they have a map of the world right the whole world there's no like fucked if we know spaces on their maps they'll put edges or dragons or realms of the gods beyond what they can prove and and that's the whole damn world there's no hint of their ignorance on those maps. And then along comes the scientific revolution and teaches us to say, I don't know.

And lo and behold, as soon as we start leaving blank spaces on the map, we start filling them in. And you know what? I'm sure that all the shit that they found in those blank spaces, you know, the Americas, Australia, all that shit. I'm sure it's way lamer than whatever Assyrians and Romans were putting at the edges of their map, but it was true. It was a truth that could only really be ascertained by admitting our ignorance. You know, kind of like the way we'd never come up with chemotherapy if we were convinced that praying hard enough and living by the word of the Bible would be enough to win God's favor.

Regardless of what it is, you're never better off pretending you have something than admitting you don't. And the importance of that rule grows one-to-one with the importance of the problem you're pretending you solved. Joining me for headlines tonight are two traveling men, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, did you ever think you'd be this excited to go to Oklahoma City? No. Nope. Two nopes. Okay, you know what? Let me back

the question up a little bit. Did you ever think you'd be at all excited to go to Oklahoma City? Still no. Yeah, no. Also no. Four nopes. Yeah, no. Six. So yeah, stick that on your resume, Hugh Laurie.

You can make Oklahoma exciting. Okay, in our lead story tonight. Kisses. Kisses. Kisses. Lead story tonight. According to the White House, Mark Anthony Condit, a nondescript human being with no race, no political party,

and no religious affiliation, was behind the tragic series of package bombings in Austin, Texas over the last few weeks. And despite that string of attacks sounding a lot like terrorism, Mr. Condit's amazing immunity to adjectives of all sorts makes it impossible to assign a definite political motivation. So the administration doesn't want to call this erism tay by an right way eastern gray right yeah yeah funny how the media didn't tell me anything at all about the troubled childhood of that dude who ran over new yorkers last year screaming allahu akbar right so weird well the problem is people need to walk up the hood of the car not out of the way never Never mind. Nope. Wait. No. No.

All right. So just in case anyone missed it, Condit was building homemade explosives and sending them around Austin. He placed a few, too. In total, two people were killed, five people were injured, and then eventually another police officer was injured. And the entire city was fucking terrified. This all culminated with Condit killing himself last week moments before a swat team was about to arrest him and if we're being fair based on what i've seen so far there's no clear evidence that the guy was trying to accomplish a political goal but at the same

time there's also no evidence he did this for exactly zero reasons he just yelled entropy party whenever mom went off because that's absurd. He left a 30 minute manifesto video on his cell phone. I'm guessing it's not a shopping list. No, it was Game of Thrones fan theories. You don't know. Yeah, so again, no

direct evidence of personal politics playing a role, but there's definitely some light suggesting at the very least. For example, condit was a devout christian who studied survivalism he was staunchly pro-life he made public statements of homophobia and although it's a small sample size most of his victims were black or latino again this doesn't prove anything but there's definitely a larger point if an arab muslim guy did the same thing in texas trump be holding a press conference from the h Arab Muslim guy did the same thing in Texas,

Trump would be holding a press conference from the HQ of a lynching posse in Austin. Yes, right. I mean, he probably would have hurt himself playing with the torch. Put on the helmet. Put on the helmet. Yeah, now as it is, John Kelly just has to cross out on both sides faster than Trump can write it in. And you're telling me it's not the fault of the people running towards these mailboxes, just swinging

their hands. La la la la la la. Alright, so yeah, had a few ideas for a solution to the problem. First of all, I think it's time for the United States to stop letting people into the country from Christian majority places like texas hell yeah maybe we just keep going with that wall and do the north part of the state border too figure that'll help um granted not so popular

those two ideas with texas lawmakers but this last one i think they're all going to get behind it we arm every non-ch-Christian minority in the state with an arsenal of bombs. Right. Yes. A well-regulated arsenal of bombs. Yeah. It's a shithole state anyways.

We need more Swedish Texans. Don't we, though? More Swedish Texans. We will trade Sweden. Straight up. Swap. Texas for Sweden. What do you got?

I got like three Texans I want to keep. Foghorn Leghorn. He's two of them. Samity Sam. And in inanity wars news tonight, despite the cowardly reticence of the White House and many in mass media, Presbyterian pastor and man who always looks like

he's doing a mean impression of Stephen Hawking, Kevin Swanson, isn't afraid to place the blame for those Austin bombings squarely where it belongs. Ant-Man. That's right. That's right. Swanson did Thomas Smith the favor of bumping him down one spot on the least

defensible assessment of the superhero movie genre list when he said that the true blame for those bombings belong to superhero movies and their glorification of vigilantism and anarchy. Huh. So weird that Swanson never thought of this until right now. Yeah, right. One black guy gets a lead role. Black Panther's a terrorist. So this Blade fella just goes into this club full of white young teenagers.

He starts shooting. Yes. They're all enjoying a delicious meal. Now, these remarks came on his radio show on Sunday in a rant that could as easily be described as pro-tyranny as anti-superhero movie. He claims, quote, almost in every case of these superhero movies, tyranny is set against anarchy.

Think of the Avengers, who are vigilantes, always setting up some form of anarchy against tyranny, as if somehow anarchy is going to beat tyranny and is going to produce something of a solution for society. But it never does. End quote. Hey man, you Team Captain America or Team Iron Man? Oh, Team Captain, so so i'm gonna go blow up some black people what well i love that his two options are tyranny and anarchy like you ever notice how in these superhero movies everyone is either the pope or a whore made of sentient blood what they're trying to do is get you to be the pope well okay so let's

set aside the fact that the avengers initiative was entirely concocted by the strategic homeland intervention enforcement and logistics division of the u.s government and currently operates at the discretion of the un with the express consent of the 117 signatories of the sokovia of course because it gets even weirder when he goes dc quote batman is an anarchist he is setting himself against other forms of anarchy in an attempt to prove man as god end quote jesus he sounds like a freshman in philosophy 101 at gotham university right hey. You know what I've been thinking? And by the way, I'm not like

leaving out the transitional points or anything. Right? According to Kevin Swanson, that is why the kid blew up black people in Austin. Because the Avengers are too rogue and Batman is a humanist. Q, E, and motherfucking D.

And in it's a good day to diet news tonight, four leaders of a macrobiotic diet cult are under police investigation this week after ex-members have come forward about the bizarre mistreatment they received. Treatment even more bizarre and cruel than a macrobiotic diet itself when i first read this i think by the way if you're thinking to yourself wait wouldn't macrobiotic just mean eating organisms large enough to see you you understand words better

than the idiots that name this idiot diet it's based on chinese fucking cosmology. The diet is. That's the baseline from which these people went crazy. Yes, indeed. For those of you unfamiliar with this particular group, the Ma Pi Society was started by Mario Pianessi. That's the Ma Pi in there, by the way, who looks like the mascot for if Orville Redenbacher only

made popcorn for you to eat when watching soft corn porn, and it dates all the way back to the 90s, where they made their name by claiming to be able to cure conditions like cancer and AIDS through a combination of eating food that doesn't taste very good and not caring about being wrong.

Okay, but there's plenty of cancer and AIDS in Chicago. The Rust Belt. Right. Ireland. They're obviously lying. I love that he J-load himself out. No, my friends call me Ma P. No, they don't.

No, they don't. And you stopped having friends as soon as you started saying that. Hey, guys. We know it'd be cool if don't make up nicknames. That's okay. Never mind. What if we all had different colors? Right.

So, as I said, several former members have stepped forward to share details of the bizarre rules they were forced to live under while under PNSC's care told police of rules that included women being forbidden to wear short skirts or makeup or wash during their periods which local podcasters agree is super gross. Disagree. I mean, you go on Tinder and you see a profile that says

77 pounds, super long skirt, no makeup, lots of blood. You swipe right. that is the move either either that girl is fucking hilarious or it's a great story or both it's win-win all right veto yes now weirder still members weren't allowed to cut their hair finger or toenails on any day of the week except tuesdays and thursdays they were also banned from laughing too much using the internet or going to the gym and and look just because that's good advice if you're tom from cognitive dissonance that doesn't make it good advice for everybody

i'm kidding i'm kidding he can cut his toenails whenever he wants so as i said pnsc is under investigation for this and tax fraud behaviors. But general advice, if someone starts telling you what day of the week to do a thing on, you're in a cult. You're in a cult. That's how you know. Unless it's Thursday, download this show. Yeah, that's true.

But hey, if you want to start a cult about this show, by all means, please get some land in Oregon. It's going to work out great. Trust me. And in Why Is There Still Tennessee News? Tennessee lawmakers overwhelmingly approved a new bill this month that would require public schools

to prominently display a sign that says, In God We Trust in Every Building. Which means it probably ends up right next to a sign that says, are you choking? And the answer is going to be yes, on the irony. But they're not going to get that. Okay. All right.

Okay. They said prominently. So they preempted my hidden picture idea. They thought of that one. But they don't say it can't be part of a larger sentence. Right? Like, if you believe in God, we trust you'll think better of it after biology class. As just as an example.

Oh, spitballing. You keep the sign prominent, but you have a more prominent sign that says only assholes would say next to it. Right. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Either would work. Other signs. All right.

So the proposed law, it's called SB 2661, and it passed unanimously in the Senate. Twenty eight zero and almost unanimously in the state house with a vote of eighty one to eight. So now it just needs a signature from Governor Bill Haslam and it becomes official. And just for the record, Haslam is pro-life. He opposes gay marriage and he's a member of the NRA. He also wants like the paper laws of Arizona for immigrants. Great guy. So it appears he only believes in convenient little chunks of constitutional law, not looking good on the establishment clause.

Well, yeah, right. But see, if all the amendments got in a fight, the Second Amendment would win. So obviously it's the alpha. I don't know. Eighth Amendment seems like that weird guy that would bite your dick. You know what I'm saying? Okay, no. No, that's a good point. Andrew, Andrew, which one,

which Amendment would win in a fight? See, they're afraid to tackle the real issues over there. They're also afraid to listen to this one. I feel like it's racist if we don't say 14th. Okay, yeah. 14th. So here's the part I'm confused about.

I don't understand what these people in Tennessee think is going to happen. It's a good question. Are religious kids just like constantly forgetting? Yeah, right, right. It's like, hey, gravy boat. Who do we trust again? Who do we trust in? There's no sign anywhere.

What? God. God. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. I was thinking it was either him or Batman, and then I thought Batman is a humanist. So.

Right. Or do they think we're going to forget the national motto? Also, why would that even matter? Yeah, right. Do you ever go to a job interview? You figured out exactly how many windows in New York City in your head. You got it perfect. And then they stumped you with a question about the national motto since 1956.

We're terrified of communism. What the fuck are they worried about? I mean, in their defense, it's a great moment for those kids who are like, oh, man, why is my life terrible in all Tennessee? Like, oh, look, in God we trust. There it is. Back to my tooth. Yeah, so can't believe this needs to be said, but apparently we have to do this every so often. Tennessee, listen up.

Actually, put us on speakerphone so everyone can hear. We know you're listening. Okay, you were the bad guys from Inherit the Wind. The bad guys. Scopes Monkey Trial was about how you're stupid. Put that on a sign if you want to remind people of something. Yeah, amen. Amen.

And in torturing gay people news tonight, responding indirectly to a recent expose on John Oliver's last week tonight, president of Focus on the Family, Jim Daley, wants to make it perfectly clear where his organization stands on the controversial practice of gay conversion therapy. They're against being for, being not, in favor of, not endorsing, the lack of, not supporting it, but only conditionally. He also added, we officially believe. Holy shit, is that David A.R. White standing right behind the line?

Right, right. Smoke bomb. How many words do I have to put in here before you're not going to read the next? Okay, so raise your hand if you think there are more gay people trying to be straight than there are gay people. Exactly. Riddle. Yeah, right. Not a lot of you.

A lot of you in that one. Not a riddle. This unconvincing dodge came in the form of a blog that Daily Post in the wake of Oliver's segment. It starts off, quote, In recent years, reporters have repeatedly and regularly alleged that Focus on the Family has practiced and endorsed so-called gay conversion therapy. Is that true? End quote. And then he follows that sentence up with a lot of non-no words. Yeah, he sure does.

Huh. Maybe Lawrence Krauss can find some work writing for Focus on the Family. Here he's looking. Similar styles. Yeah, right, right. Now, just to be clear, gay conversion therapy is a euphemism for torturing the gay out of people. It is not a therapy and no respected psychological body endorses it. And the closest Daley ever comes to disavowing this practice is to say that he doesn't think that all gay people should be tortured out of it. Just some of them. After a whole paragraph about how they don't endorse any therapy that, quote, shames, degrades, coerces, abuses or insults individuals. End quote.

He goes on to shame, degrade, coerce, abuse and insult gay people by suggesting they might benefit from, quote, therapeutically investigating their sexuality and exploring faith-compatible responses for their individual situation. Fuck you. End quote. We just want to help people become double plus un-gay. Yeah, right. Yes. Right. His actual defense is the homophobic version of that douchey rehab speech he gave.

We don't believe in stopping people from being gay we believe in helping people stop themselves this is the ping pong table yeah no exactly and by the way if that last quote wasn't direct enough the blog post also links to a document that points out quote alteration in one's inner sense of sexuality or attractions. While this does occur in the course of time for some are subjective and individualized, end quote. So, yeah, yeah, they're not in favor of torturing the gay out of everybody. Just everybody they can. Lovely.

Plus side, though, they did sell way more of the gay bunny book than Mike Pence did. And that that's true. No, that is true. Yeah. And in a la RuPaul Jack Parr news tonight, president of Oklahoma Wesleyan University and man who looks like he missed out on his dream job as motivational speaker to date rapists, Everett Piper took to the this is the Internet and that's how it works. Now, let's say website the Washington Times to publish an op ed this week on how gay people are just like ISIS. Oh, OK. I got this. Invented by the Jewish media.

No, no, no. Flamers. No, both good answers, though. In a rant that makes destroying net neutrality worth it just on the off chance that this website might someday be unable to afford to exist, Peter secretly wants to puff a Piper condemned not just being gay, but talking about being gay. In a statement that's so close to understanding why he's stupid that I expected for it to end with, oh, there's my car. to end with oh there's my car he said in part quote if you're still not feeling a bit unstable on this slippery slope already a bad sign using a fallacy describe his own arguments all right bear with me as i attack this homonym i recommend he goes on i recommend this simple exercise go to any article in any magazine or website that argues for conversations about sexual morality and simply replace the acronym of the day with another set of letters for example every time you see lgbtq in an article simply replace those letters with isis change nothing

else do this throughout the entire column in question right now it's important you you only go one way with this though or you end up reading about people having a kurgle berserk of faith and stuff it gets really confusing in doing that he continues in doing this something will quickly become obvious sentences will emerge such as love is love and isis has the right to love who they want to love but okay does he not want isis to love who they want to love because that is not my problem with isis all right if a member of the isis community has sex with another member of the ISIS community, as one does with a white lady. Both of them have committed an abomination. Hold on.

Hold on. Bad example. I confused myself that time. You know, when I found and replaced the other day, I fucking nailed it. He concludes the ISIS community simply wants to be accepted and affirmed. What right does anyone have to refuse to bake a cake for an ISIS wedding? As such absurdities jump off the page, hopefully it becomes clear how absolutely ridiculous our culture's game of sexual politics has become. Not adding, what do you mean you are

do i see what i don't understand what do you mean i said what i don't know also if you replace the word before with chicken butt you're gonna see how silly those notions of causality are too what right so it's obvious, given this fantastic argument, that we need to fire up the alternate universe machine and check out the dimension 456JK11,

where ISIS and the LGBTQ community have, in fact, switched. Morgan, let's hit the switch. Chaos today as LGBTQ continues to move its way across Iraq, reducing millennia-old historical sites to adorable little cafes serving boozy brunch. The president still refuses to comment on how he can increase school shootings this week as ISIS clubs across America march in the streets, behead classmates, and refuse to learn to read.

This week on Jersey Shore. Yo, me and my boy Squish were trying to rage all night, but then Snooki and Pajama brought us to what turned out to be an ISIS club. Whoa, dude, not cool. I'm sorry, Jihadi, for real. You've been eliminated from Abdu'l-Paw's rag race. Please, sashay away. And while we have yet another

discussion about more beneficial uses for our alternative universe machine, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Oh, for fuck's sakes, Ohio. I was going to do this whole bit on promiscuity this week. I had it all worked out in my head. I was going to do this whole bit on promiscuity this week. I had it all worked out in my head. I was going to talk about this weird moral failing that seems to only afflict the one gender. I figured with prom season coming up, it would be a great topic, and I knew I wouldn't have to look very hard for stories of draconian dress codes

and girls getting shit for showing too much ankle. And I was right, by the way. Friendly Atheist had a story about a girl getting kicked out of her prom because the side of her dress had tiny mesh cutouts in it. It was all going to be so easy. The Liberty Council even issued a press release that described the Girl Scouts as a group that, quote, aggressively promotes abortion and promiscuous sex on behalf of its 10 million members, end quote. So my promiscuity twin would have even had cookie puns. Cookie puns, people. But because of Ohio, instead of all the kinky sex

the Girl Scouts teach 10-year-old girls about, I'll have to focus on all the abortions they give them. Because you see, the state of Ohio was the latest to fire a salvo into the I bet Trump appointees will overturn Roe versus Wade offensive when they saw Mississippi's 15 week abortion ban and raise them by 15 weeks. Now, it's not a law yet, but it's got a pretty clear path to becoming one. Right now, though, it's still just House Bill 565, which would ban all abortions in the state of ohio period under any circumstances at any point what's more yep there's more it would also allow prosecutors to charge any doctor who performed an abortion with murder but lucinda you ask is it ohio a death penalty state meaning that the logical conclusion of this bill would be pro-lifers getting doctors killed in order to save blastocysts? Oh, indeed, hypothetical inquisitor, indeed.

Of course, your follow-up question might be, well, isn't this unconstitutional? And I mean, it is, but that's not much comfort with Neil's seat all warmed up and Kennedy on his way out. Republican lawmakers are dying to give this new Supreme Court a chance to rethink Roe versus Wade. And this bullshit bill is part of that larger effort. And the scariest part is that I don't see how they lose this one. Kind of weird to be in a position where women have never had more political power, and yet we're actively losing rights, huh? So yeah, maybe a lady president would have helped here.

So sorry to be the one to tell you, in addition to rampant corruption, endorsement of racism, homicidal foreign policy, endless scandals, disastrous environmental consequences, a dysfunctional executive branch, global economics, instability, and a possible nuclear war, the Trump administration also cost you a bunch of cookie puns.

And while you absorb that news, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in If He Can't Do It, No One Trans News Tonight, Donald Trump had a bad week last week. What with the Stormy Daniels interview airing, his Fox News bullshit lawyer jumping ship, and his base furious over an omnibus spending bill that president hillary would have been pretty happy with so it was clearly time to beat up on a minority and that came in the form of his on again on again trans military ban which he doubled down on last friday and apparently trump got help from not one

but two anti-lgbtT Christian hate groups along the way. Trump voters, just FYI, they have a German word for this. It's called Wanderspluten. It means telling someone to calm down right before they get set on fire. So yeah, if you're looking for what you did in 2016. See, it's like Lexicon Valley meets hardcore history with dick jokes. With dick jokes. The Pentagon Valley meets hardcore history with dick jokes.

With dick jokes. So, yeah, when Trump made the announcement, it was accompanied by a Pentagon report on the subject of transgender service that he used to justify the decision. But according to a Slate report, the Heritage Foundation's Ryan Anderson and the Family Research Council's very own Tony Perkins played leading roles in the creation of that pentagon report so either the pentagon has a strategic scorpion horse lion locust defense department or this isn't a fucking pentagon report yeah right in trump's fucking america both are equally possible well i'm guessing it's both i think it can be right right if bizarro kurt vonnegut can become our national security fucking advisor, it seems like that's where we're going. Give it a few more weeks.

Secretary of the Navy, Ken Ham. HUD Secretary, Kool-Aid guy. Yeah. Just walking onto boats. Yeah, this is ridiculous. This aircraft carrier has no broom. What are we going to do with all the droppings? We need a broom.

So now if you're wondering what kind of expertise these dudes bring to the table, I should point out that Perkins is a former Marine, but more pertinently, he's blamed the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell for sexual assault, sexual harassment, suicide of service members, and child abuse. He also said it turned the U.S. military into, quote, a parade that looks like the bar scene in Star Wars, end quote. I'm sorry. He's just walking through a barracks.

My friend likes you. I like you as well. It's not a lightsaber he pulls out, but it does extend. Anyway, as for Ryan Anderson. That'd be the best if you could make that noise. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Right. Right. I mean, you Anderson. That'd be the best if you could make that noise. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Right.

Right. I mean, you can. That's true. You just did. Anyway, as for Ryan Anderson, his sole qualification seems to be a recent anti-trans rights book called When Harry Became Sally. So those are the guys assessing our military readiness, folks. Yeah, good thing we're not antagonizing one quarter of the world's nuclear-armed nations

and reigniting a Cold War with another, huh? Okay, bright side. I'm very excited for all the apology letters and tweets we're going to get from people who told us that the liberals were freaking out over nothing. He's not coming for the gay community. Yeah, they're community lining up for the mea culpa's aren't they oh man can't wait anyway and in buddhising the point news tonight florida man ahmed hinson florida man ahmed hinson had an alibi at the ready when he was caught destroying

over 48 000 of statues and ornaments at the viengak Buddhist Monastery in Tallahassee. You see, God told him to. Huh. Okay, this is exactly what Todd Starnes was talking about. You got TV shows like Bible Man. That needs to get banned. Right, right. Movies like Passion of the Christ.

You get vigilantes. Well, yeah, no depictions of the passion and vigilantism go way back, way back. It's true. That's right. According to WTXL, quote, when deputies arrived, they saw Hinson standing by a van, backed up to the monastery garden, and immediately took him into custody. They say that Hinson stated to a deputy on the scene that, quote, God told him there are too many false idols and he was there to handle it. Yeah. Good thing most of Earth keeps theirs in that Floridian monastery, though.

Significant dent he made there. Now, Hinson appeared in court last week and when asked if they had read those Ten Commandments signs they love so much at the courthouse, Lawmakers said, come on, man. Cut it out. You know what I mean. I thought this was America. In whom we trust. God, exactly. Right there on the next to the choking sign. Come on.

By the way, little addendum to this story, but I just can't resist. Hinson is currently on probation for his role in a fatal drive-by shooting in 2012 so i feel like it's weird to break other people's fake gods but it's way way weirder to get judgy when you're still on probation for a drive you're right i feel like it's me is it compensating and finally tonight we have a new development in our ongoing coverage of gwyneth paltrow being a dangerous lunatic according to a recent report in the journal of investigational allergology and clinical immunology a 55 year old spanish woman was killed by a violent allergic reaction to a bee sting earlier this year after paying money to have an acupuncturist very intentionally

sting her with live bees oh for fuck's sake you guys are gonna know i've snapped when you start hearing stories about like an eccentric clinician in california getting 1800 a punch for lubeless fistotherapy or something oh that's when you'll have snapped good to know co-worker who yelled at a mailbox the other day. Well, I was walking there, Eli. There's nothing incorrect about what I was yelling. And he did the lubeless fist thing on the mailbox. And it still owes me 1,800 bucks.

I dropped the bill right in there. So this type of treatment is called apitherapy or bee acupuncture. It's real. And it's been endorsed by ms paltrow who also promotes a whole bunch of other extremely stupid shit on her health and wellness blog called goop feels like nobody should have to say this but do not take medical advice from anything called goop right and you know what extending that policy to anything that rhymes with silly noises like probably decent rule of thumb yeah also it just extended to all ancillary avengers

characters while you're at it it's a very marvel universe show we got a through line i'm pretty excited i'm pretty excited actually all right so if we're being fair and listening to the all caps text message i got from andrew i need to mention that you should not take medical advice from a podcast either. But keep in mind, this particular podcast is getting its information about AP therapy from a medical journal. therapy practitioners should be trained in managing severe reactions with adequate facilities for management of anaphylaxis and rapid access to an intensive care unit so okay already don't do whatever is being talked about right right you need to be next to an er to do blank don't do blank this is harder than ziplining anyway Anyway, so here's... Continuing the quote from the medical journal, the risks of undergoing apitherapy may exceed the presumed benefits.

Not even real, but just presumed ones are exceeded by the risks. This practice is both unsafe and unadvisable, end quote. And that wording, again, is is being extremely generous considering it didn't also include oh yeah and just to reiterate it killed a fucking lady yeah right okay but i think they're glancing over a pretty major thing here which is bee poking 101 needs to be hey are you allergic to bees and if the answer is anything other than no, you got to be like, okay, let's do some other stupid thing that doesn't work. How about a laser your cooch, huh?

Nice laser cooch. You know what? I feel like whether you answer yes or no, you know what? I'm not going to sting you with this B anyway because it's fucking stupid. Dude, laser cooch is a bad idea. We got the laser cooch thing. You go through all the trouble, you catch a B. I get it.

You want to stab someone with it all right so if you've been listening to gwyneth paltrow and i know you have you know you know shoving jade eggs in your vagina or tuning up your labia with a steam kettle and laser beams actually consider yourself lucky none of that stuff has been reported as causing death, at least not yet. Yeah, wait until those vagina eggs start to hatch, though. But regardless, if you're paying for health insurance right now in the United States, and a bunch of other countries, actually, like it or not, you're theoretically supporting acupuncture, which is covered by lots of plans,

despite being complete nonsense. by lots of plans, despite being complete nonsense. Or sometimes killing me if it's the kind with injections of poison by insects. Right. Fun fact, acupuncture is on our health plan, and our health plan also covers Christian

science practitioners. So I can officially spend HSA dollars on someone rooting for me to get better. Alright, that's actually a good expenditure. We need to do an episode where we spend some HSA dollars going to... Ugh.

Gross. Yeah, so it turns out fatal events are a possible side effect of listening to Gwyneth Paltrow's medical advice. She took something that does nothing, acupuncture, and made it infinitely worse. A lady died.

It's impressive impressive like mathematically speaking and you know she's a pretty lady who's famous but death toll so pros cons to each her own medical relativism it's yeah right call that the jenny mccarthy problem yeah right and i guess now that i gotta emphasize to eli the whole lube-less fistotherapy thing was definitely a joke no matter how many votes. We should probably close the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. House is going to be in Oklahoma.

And when we come back, Heath will tell us about how awesome and magical crackers are, but not in the way that he does at those secret meetings in a different way. House is going to be so mad. I love it.

I love it when he's all angry. Not lupus. It's never lupus. I'm going to be the first one to say that. He's going to be like, what? That's from my show. That's so funny. Yeah, no, I'm sure that's exactly what he will say that he'll be so excited. You want to be best friends? You want to be best friends? today's christians try to sell you a pretty watered down version of god a god who lacks

clear borders who lacks clear powers and whose interactions seem to entirely coincide with what was probably going to happen anyway but back in the days days before cameras, forensics, and skeptical journalism, they were selling a much more impressive deity. And that's why we like to take time once in a while to examine some of God's greatest hits in a segment we call... The Devil's Advocate. So tell us, Heath, what feat of divine intervention will we be discussing today? Well, before I answer that, I want to mention how hard it is to come up with these now that we've done the really obvious ones.

And it's not because there aren't plenty of handy lists online to help me out. It's that they're all on fucking slideshow websites where you get to click through each one and fuck you. Indeed. See, another benefit of losing all net neutrality is that in the near future, those things will take days to load. So each side will be like getting a letter from an old timey cowboy. All right. Well, today we're going to be talking about the most beloved of all Catholic miracles. The one that happens every Sundayay across the catholic world trans

substantiation all right this sounds more like a how bullshit is it segment well okay yeah there's no distinguishable difference between the two segments no no the intro is is different in this one we do the fire thing instead of the echoey right right okay uh would it help if i told you i was building to the miracle of the hosts of sienna yes yes i guess that would help i was actually hoping for the hosts of burnt umber so no for me it's our second crayon joke crayons okay so everybody knows how this works you start with shitty wine in a cracker the priest says some magic words and it turns into

blood and flesh unless you're protestant of course in which case it's figurative and that's worth killing people over but the true miracle is that after they think it changed from a cracker to flesh they eat it after this would make a lot more sense going the other way. But no, they change the food into living human flesh and then they eat it. Yeah, that's pretty fucking weird. And totally ruins the idea for David Blaine's new special, Eating Alive. I was looking forward to that one, too. Yeah, and when the Catholic Church lost the ability to burn people to death for pointing out how silly it was, it became

something of a theological weakness for the vatican so ever since then they've been desperately propping up miracle claims about the eucharist to make it seem significantly more magical than you know your average triscuit okay so they're desperate they doubled down on it yep uh now we talked about the miracle of Lanciano back on episode 160. Just to refresh everybody's memory, that's the one where the priest claimed his Eucharist became actual flesh and blood. And if you don't believe him, they have a 1200-year-old chunk of flesh that proves it. Okay, but wait, isn't the whole point of transubstantiation that all the Eucharists become actual flesh and blood? Well, no, just magical flesh.

Okay, but wait, but wouldn't that make this the least miraculous Eucharist then? Yep. Yes, it would. Everything about transubstantiation has a, like, we didn't really think this through sort of feel to it so uh there's a less well-known and even less impressive miracle the vatican touts called the miracle of the corporal of bolsegna and this one shows up in the 14th century and it's about a priest in rome who's kind of doubting the truth of the jesus cracker when suddenly his eucharist started bleeding right there on his corporal that's uh some kind of like liturgical cloth, I guess. Wait, wait, wait.

So is the evidence a bloody cloth? Yes, that is the entire evidence. Yep. And the Vatican had it tested to prove that it was human blood. Okay, but what would that prove? That it was human blood. all right well that's kind of kind of figured that was gonna be it didn't do it with an animal nailed it proved the thing yeah but the story is even harder to believe than you think actually wait wait you mean somehow it it

has less going for it than then where did this 600 year old bloody cloth come from it does see this one showed up in the 14th century but it supposedly happened in the 13th century and apparently it took a solid 100 years before anybody thought to write it down just two monks sitting around dave will you remind me to finally write down that thing where my cracker turned into flesh of our lord and savior after prayers today no yeah right all right i'll just keep waiting so i'll keep asking so okay so catholics worship a menstruation rite from the middle ages don't they probably yes okay all right here yep you don't have anything less impressive than that do you i have a weirder one okay that'll do okay what about the eucharistic miracle of santerum i don't i don't know uh there were the kids learned cpr magically what a fucking asshole right god damn it you deserve to be named after cum and whatever and shit. Probably mix of lube and semen.

Asshole. It's human semen. I proved something. Asshole. Fuck Rick Santorum. Yeah. Okay. Good diversion.

So the Vatican has confirmed the Eucharistic miracle of Santorum and it, uh, it has a sorcerer involved in the story. That's exciting right i mean okay so this one is also from the 13th century and it involves a portuguese woman and her unfaithful husband yeah yeah very very much so uh but the story starts after all the fucking. So Portuguese lady is all pissed at her husband. But rather than just, you know, cut off his dick like a normal woman, she goes to an evil sorceress for help.

And the sorceress told her that she could curse her husband. But to do it, she'd need a consecrated Eucharist. She's got to fuck the cracker. Not everything in every story has to get fucked eli okay one vote one vote unfortunately this one yeah so the woman goes to uh church to get her you know eye of newt substitute and she comes away with the jesus cracker she wraps it in her veil and heads for the door but before she can even make it outside of the church the eucharist starts to bleed oh a fucking course it does she starts slipping around in it yeah if it was like fire hose level

pointed away pointed away from what elevator doors open or something. Yeah, right. Is this building built on a slant? I'm sliding. This is weird. It's in my socks. It's really getting everywhere. I'm really getting it on everything now. Man. Yeah, so big blood thing, slide all around the church.

She gets home. She locks the bleeding host in a trunk. But overnight, a miraculous light started emanating from the trunk like the macguffin in pulp fiction so she decided she probably shouldn't give it to the witch at that point uh the next day she confessed her plans to her priest instead and he came and got the host which is still on display to this very day oh okay So the evidence for this one is a bloody cracker. That is the beginning and the end of it. Yes. Wow.

Alright, but if I recall correctly, you said you were building to the miracle of the hosts of Sienna. I am. Good memory. I scrolled to the top of the script. Your click wheel is so very quiet. Isn't it? I use the max square part of my keyboard moving on

sorry we were all talking i wanted to it's sticky because my hands touch it yeah go to the genius bar they're awesome there yeah so they are they won't overcharge at all this might be my favorite shitty miracle of all time the uh the host of sienna because nothing really happens and the evidence of the miracle is is the fact that you can watch nothing happen oh it's okay all right uh so ground me here where and when are we okay this one takes place in sienna italy in 1730 it's a muggy august night but it wasn't too hot to party, obviously. So the Catholics were celebrating the Feast of the Assumption. And in keeping with the theme of the holiday, they were about to make asses of some people.

Oh, there you go. Assumption, everybody. So while the celebration is going on. Right in if you got that joke. That's one now. So while they're celebrating, a couple of thieves broke into the church of St. Francis and stole a golden candy dish called a ciborium. Inside the candy dish were a couple hundred consecrated hosts.

I'm sorry, a couple hundred? Were they having a Super Bowl party? Leave that here. I'll get the guac. So two days later, a priest at the church noticed something white sticking out of the offering box in the church. And upon examination, he found out that the thieves had returned the hundreds of pieces of active Christ flesh.

Oh, my God. Tell me that's the whole miracle. Yep, pretty much. That's it. But it's actually even dumber whole miracle. Yep, pretty much. That's it. But it's actually even dumber. No. Yep, it is dumber. So the priests, you know, they appreciate it and all,

but they don't know where these things have been and who's licked them. So they decide not to actually put them in people's mouths and use them. Judgy. But for whatever reason, they kept the dirty, licked eucharists hanging around maybe in case of emergency i don't know and over the decades they noticed that a curious thing was

happening to the eucharists well not happening nothing was happening i was curious to them nothing was happening despite all the intervening years, the Eucharists never rotted. Rotted? Yeah, but I mean, how humid was it where they stored them? Oh, okay. No, I got you. You're going to ruin the whole thing. Yeah.

So now, even today, 285 years later, you can still view those magical, uncorrupted Jesus crackers. And what's more amazing people do that people go can i please see the wow well i've got some magical mcdonald's french fries to show the catholics are gonna blow their dicks off still you gotta admit that these crackers are a wide open mcguffin for a cath Catholic action movie right during the gear up scene Arnold sews them all together into holy plate mail bullets pinging

off them see you in a later if you enjoyed that joke more than Heath's press 1 now I don't like this game okay so uh can't stress this enough these are all miracles that were confirmed by the vatican these all have the papacy's seal of approval like they probably have a thing what's more from all the listicles i could find these are the ones they're the most proud of. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Which is why our jobs will never actually get hard. Anyway, all this talk of consuming human flesh got me hungry for some fetus, so we're going to wrap up there. But we'll be back for more miracle claims on the next Devil's Advocate. Before we return our seats to their upright position tonight, I wanted to remind you that this is your last chance to get your submission in for our failed Easter card contest on Facebook. You still got a chance to earn a shout-out next week, but you'll have to get your submission in today. That's Thursday.

Be sure to check out our Facebook page for all the details, and hopefully we'll see you in Oklahoma City this weekend. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Nuded, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Clearly, I wouldn't be worth my weight in ducks if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for always having the nerve, Lucinda for always having the heart,

and Eli for always having a firm desire to do better every single week. Also, a big thanks to the vampire accountant Voldemir LeChoc for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you need a little more not-safe-for-kids puppeteering in your life, you'll find a link to Transylvania Television on the show notes.

Don't look down on it. It's a noble profession. Also, it's how Peter Jackson got his start. Went straight from puppets fucking to Lord of the Rings. Seems weird if you think about it for any amount of time. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Unfortunately, we had to record a bit early this week because of the trip, so I won't be able to name all those people.

But you know who you are. You know how awesome your genitals are. And I'll be sure to tell the rest of the world about it next week. And if you'd like to hear your name alongside theirs, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not so much that you want to have less money at the end of it, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show on social media, or telling a friend about it. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at

scalingatheist.com. You know, I just, I know this is probably a little late to think about this, but we're going all the way to Oklahoma City tomorrow, and we haven't even discussed who's going to cough incessantly the whole time. Oh, that's true. Yeah, Morgan's not coming. Morgan, can you make it? Can you make it, Morgan? Have you?

You don't have any plans this weekend, do you, Morgan? Morgan! You have family or something or college or something near there. He was telling me about a good theater that we could go see God's Not Dead 3 in. Anna's going to go to the banjo museum. Well, there you go, Morgan. You're missing the banjo museum, bro. Banjo museum.

None of those new fucking banjos. The old shit. Before they sold out. Before they sold out. Sending you home in an Uber pool. All right. If Morgan had a medical emergency emergency i would still order him so remember that when you're doing the edit this has one swipe on it you take the e

all right you know anywhere where there's a plane wind will come sweeping down it yeah but that's where wind comes like if you were like hey there's wind sweeping down a plane, wind will come sweeping down it. Yeah, but that's where wind comes. Like, if you were like, hey, there's wind sweeping down a plane, I'd be like, you mean Oklahoma? Right. People don't know what you're saying. I'm just pointing out that any plane, if there's wind... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.