The Scathing Atheist - 269: 2 for 69ing Edition

Episode Date: April 12, 2018

In this week’s episode, God’s dead at the box office, Coach Dave gets a handjob from a dude while thinking about a goat, and perfect word of god will be back to not make any fucking sense. To see Noah in Syracuse courtesy of the Central New York Humanist Association, click here: https://www.facebook.com/events/188813505256294/?active_tab=about To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To learn more about building model trains, click here: http://www.bgtmrring.org/ Headlines: Common thread among Christians who voted for Trump is BEING CRAZY PEOPLE: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/researchers-discover-common-thread-between-evangelicals-who-voted-for-trumpus5abbd15ae4b04a59a313c5ea God’s Not Dead 3 Was a Box Office Disaster http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/02/gods-not-dead-3-was-a-box-office-disaster/#WMbulMEbE6gKESqO Christian Author: We Must Avoid Vaccines Since the Bible Never Mentions Them http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/05/christian-author-we-must-avoid-vaccines-since-the-bible-never-mentions-them/#dhXrJEzbdsX33Red Megachurch Pastor: Jesus Visited Me But “I Never Saw the Front of His Face” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/04/megachurch-pastor-jesus-visited-me-but-i-never-saw-the-front-of-his-face/#CLdE2pQfcsHthMyd To Save Jesus, Audience Member Attacks Roman Soldier in Passion Play http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/02/to-save-jesus-audience-member-attacks-roman-soldier-in-passion-play/#vbUS5TSowGcgClSl Liberty U. to Student Journalist: Don’t Write About Progressive Christian Event http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/08/liberty-u-to-student-journalist-dont-write-about-progressive-christian-event/#Moc0I3lHickXXDTz And Liberty U. Head Threatens to Arrest Christian Critic If He Steps Foot on Campus http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/07/liberty-u-head-threatens-to-arrest-christian-critic-if-he-steps-foot-on-campus/#tExJRZYHQqCP7Kko Televangelist: With God’s Help, I Brought a Dead Ant Back to Life http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/04/televangelist-with-gods-help-i-brought-a-dead-ant-back-to-life/#vVteWBS4JPEPrOwy Coach Dave: You Shouldn’t Touch Yourself Because It’s Totally Gay http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/03/31/christian-right-activist-you-shouldnt-touch-yourself-because-its-totally-gay/#MXxM613zP00B4Gs3.99 This Week in Misogyny: Uganda newspaper apologizes for “wine for sex abuse stories” contest: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-43587253?intlinkfromurl=http://www.bbc.com/news/topics/cjnwl8q4gxwt/womens-rights&link_location=live-reporting-story Lt gov candidate says women should be put to death for abortions http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/04/idaho-lt-gov-candidate-says-women-should-be-put-to-death-for-abortions/ Trump’s Bible study teacher: Women can’t lead in family or church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/08/trumps-white-house-bible-study-teacher-women-cant-lead-in-marriage-or-church/

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This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club and by the new Eucharist delivery service for Catholics in a hurry, HelloFlesh. And now, The Scathing Atheist. I'm John Gardiner, and last week, No Illusions said that if you couldn't wait between all of the Puzzle in a Thunderstorm shows, you should find a new hobby. Thus, I would like to humbly recommend to you all that you check out my new podcast, The Beginner's Guide to Model Railroading. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that filthythy Monkey Men did evolve to invent a steam locomotive, or something like that. I'm not too sure. I didn't check up on this before recording. Anyway, on with the show! It's Thursday.

It's April 12th. And your Thursday's about to get a lot more sweary. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is Scathing Atheist. On this week's

episode, God's dead at the box office. Coach Dave gets a handjob from a dude while thinking about a goat. And the perfect word of God will be back to not make any fucking sense. First, the diatribe. me and satan yeah we go way back i mean i wouldn't wouldn't say we were exactly friends but we got in a lot of trouble together back in high school see i was one of maybe half a dozen kids in my high school that didn't go to a southern baptist church every sund Wednesday evening. And that meant by a standard, I didn't understand until I'd been

there for quite some time that I was in league with the devil. And there's more to this than just being cast as an outsider. Cause in addition to wearing that label, I actually was an outsider. All the other kids in my school were receiving information I wasn't getting. And as laughably ridiculous as the information was, I was still put at a social disadvantage by not knowing it. Let me give you an example. Did you know that the Smurfs were satanic? Well, in my high school, that's common fucking knowledge. Right.

Now, I found out in a government economics class that the teacher asked me for an example of communism and I offered up the Smurfs. I think I still am pretty proud of that answer right they did a whole episode once where greedy started charging money for his pies and by the end of that smurfettes blowing brainy for an extra turnip in her stew and hefty sneaking lennon into the country on a midnight train through germany so i presented my example ready to defend it but i wasn't ready to defend it against being in league with the desolate one so i I say the Smurfs, couple of students laugh, and then some dumb ass says,

no, the Smurfs are satanic. And to this, there are murmurs of general approval. Now, I wind up getting sent to the principal's office for calling him out for being Marxist. But when a couple of kids accuse him of worshiping the horned one,

the teacher agrees. She's like, well, yeah, of course there's Satanics, but calling him communistists that disrupts class so go to the principal's office which i spent a lot of time doing and i'll admit i'm still bitter spent way too much of high school going to the principal's office despite being right so in the moment i hardly had time to reflect on the pod people like conviction with which the crowd had agreed

that the smurfs were satanic but to honest, as bizarre as that probably sounds to anybody who didn't grow up in the Bible Belt, it was to be expected. My whole fucking school was Satan-obsessed. The music I listened to, for example, that was written, recorded, and produced by Satan. He was also chiefly responsible for most of the movies I liked, the books I read, the stories I wrote, and the presidential candidate I preferred. And for those of you who have the good fortune of not going to high school in South Georgia, I can't emphasize enough for you how nonchalantly Satan was invoked in conversation, right? I mean, I learned to read poems at one

point because I was all about the woo and it afforded me a great opportunity to talk to pretty girls, touch their hands even. So one time I'm offered to read this girl's poem and she begs out by saying, and I quote, I'd love to, but my pastor says that's of the devil. Now, it says all kind of shit about your worldview when you feel the need to insulate it against the veracity of shit like palm reading. But what's more striking in retrospect is the ease with which they'd convinced the majority of kids in my school that among the great motivating forces shifting the cultural winds of their generation was an evil magical satyr with a penchant for power cords. Of course, this ridiculous extreme is a hallmark of religion, isn't it? It's not that God will give you three demerits for coveting your neighbor's wife. He'll burn you in hell with ultimate torture for eternity.

It isn't enough that Jesus really thinks your poem was pretty good. He has to love you beyond any conceivable love. And it's not that this book might present a few notions contrary to the biblical worldview. It was inspired by the devil himself for no lesser purpose than to irrevocably corrupt your immortal soul. And that's not just some quirk or something, right? That's the inevitable result of the theological arm race that left every god all powerful all knowing and all loving when you're making shit up and that shit's being tested through natural selection it's no great mystery how every religion winds up on infinity times infinity plus two for every measurable aspect of their faith of course

god is all knowing because if he was mostly knowing he'd have got swapped out along the way for better bullshit but the extreme never seems more self-serving than it does with Satan. Because, I mean, when it comes to bumping God up to the extreme, you're still just talking about God. God is some ephemeral concept that defies definition precisely because his attributes have all been cranked up to 11. So to accept the omni-everythingness of God, you just have to accept this one impossible thing.

But Satan has to cover all the other stuff, right? Pretty much all the non-God objects have to be infused with this childish notion of preeminence, which becomes impossible to take seriously almost immediately. I mean, the story they were selling 16-year-old Noah is that the same guy working towards the same goal came up with the Smurfs, the Rwandan genocide, and the main guitar lick in Hanger 18. I mean, consider the whacked out sense of priorities in There, Satan. Somewhere in hell, Mephistopheles has a checklist that includes provoke genocide, instigate war, and increase number of skulls on t-shirts. He's steering humanity towards the brink of nuclear

holocaust, and he's sneaking boob references into popular songs because it doesn't work if only the really bad stuff is inspired by the devil, right? Everything that challenges your religion has to fit into that category. That means genocide, evolution, rock music, and Harry Potter books all have to be treated with the same level of alarm and the same remedy. And notice that this is a problem you don't have when you're telling the truth. Science doesn't have to make up a totem of anti-science and blame all the wrong shit on him. And it's pretty obvious why, right? Science can just use empirical data to differentiate

between science and non-science. Truth itself can be the arbiter, but that doesn't work when you're selling religion, does it? If we're measuring based on numbers of verifiably true thing, the Bible isn't scoring any better than the Smurfs. So religion requires a whole new metric, a metric that draws a line through fictions and assigns a small number of them as true, while at the same time rendering certain truths as fictions. So the science-minded parent can turn to their kid

and say, well, Smurfs aren't true because magic doesn't work. There are no tiny blue hominins in it. three apples high, there's no fucking way they'd fit into those mushroom houses. But a religious parent can't resort to that kind of objection without planting seeds of doubt about far more ridiculous claims in the Bible. So they have to create something else to do all the heavy lifting. You can't use anything that's based on reason. So you have to use something that's based on fear. And if that leads to the occasional prominent Christian having to be publicly

terrified of a Teletubby, that's a price they're willing to pay. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the shaggy to my scoob and the stimpy to my wren, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to fill me in on the 21st century so that all my references won't be so dated? Okay, we're the dark money to your Senate campaign. Oh, that's good. We're the Tide Pods to your SpongeBob memes. I don't know, my generation is kind of sucking. We're the AR to your 15.

Well, as profitable as shitting on Eli's generation is we still do need to pause for a word from this week's sponsor Dollar Shave Club hey Lucinda what's the matter Anna what are you doing here oh well in the world of ads we all live in the same place right oh yeah I guess I always thought of that as Eli living here but not you yeah I see that anyway why so blue right? Oh, yeah. I guess I always thought of that as Eli living here, but not you.

Yeah, I see that. Anyway, why so blue? Oh, it's these ads. They're always from the guy's perspective. Blue apron because you live alone in a loft. Dick pills. When are we going to get advertised for some stuff for the ladies? Well, what about Dollar Shave Club? What's Dollar Shave Club? You mean that website that sells razors? Well, not just razors. They deliver everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. Everything? Everything. Dollar Shave Club has razors, shave butter, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, everything.

Wow, I thought it was just shaving stuff. Nope, but their shaving stuff is amazing. I get an amazing high-quality shave every morning from my Dollar Shave Club executive razor. It's the best razor I've ever used. Their Dr. Carver's shave butter is fantastic. It goes on clear so you can see where you're shaving. And since Dollar Shave Club delivers everything to you, you don't have to set foot in a store wandering the aisles hunting for razors, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, none of it. Wow, and without the pink handles and boxes, we're saving even more money than the guys do.

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And yeah, the researchers are describing that common thread using a technical term called giant bigot or giant bigot. Oh, there you go. Specifically, white Christian nationalist giant bigot. And according to a second study conducted by every other civilized country in the world, what the fuck are you guys doing over there? Get your shit together. You know, at some point before publication, there was an argument about controlling for stupid, right? Like there was one guy bringing it up.

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, we didn't have that argument before adopting the presidential primary system. Hey, you didn't have that argument. Well, I did. I did. We as a nation. By the way, they did control for stupid in this thing.

They controlled for being extra religious and for being Republican. And they still found the same thread. Yeah. So here's, they did control for stupid in this thing. They controlled for being extra religious and for being Republican. And they still found the same thread. Yeah. So here's what they did. The team of sociologists was apparently wondering why the fuck 80% of white evangelical Christians voted for the worst Christian ever in the 2016 election. And why almost all those same people still approve of the job he's doing. why almost all those same people still approve of the job he's doing. Well, other than stupidity and Russian Twitter bots,

they landed on Christian nationalism, which is a really nice way of saying panicky dominionism, the belief that we should get rid of secular laws and use the Bible instead. Thus, panic. Well, except for the Second Amendment. We'll keep that in case i i hear someone say happy holidays and i need to start a gunfight in a crowded walmart where i am currently buying an oil painting for the wall a palette of velveta and a wedding ring my culture is superior yeah white christians are basically the cultural equivalent of me walking around planet fitness

laying my tummy on machines women are working out on and clearing my throat loudly just adonis in your vicinity yeah so uh if anyone's wondering why we get all political sometimes instead of sticking to atheism this is why uh because you were wondering a stupid false dichotomy first of all also because christian nationalism is fucking terrifying every time these people see a gay person get a right or see the beak of a finch or see reconstruction after the fucking civil war they fly off the handle and do something insane and most recently that meant voting for a sociopathic rapey adulterer just so they could get pro-life anti-lgbt judges into the courts right yeah i don't understand what

these people who want us to be less political want it's just like we're in a smoking hole in the ground where new york city used to be and another stupid thing about the bible wait the fancy dumb. And the rumors of my survival have been greatly exaggerated news tonight. As God awful movies listeners know, the third film in David A.R. White's God's Not Dead trilogy debuted over Easter weekend, coming in just shy of the top spot in the box office

behind Ready Player One, Tyler Perry's acrimony, Black Panther, I Can Only Imagine, Pacific Rim Uprising, Sherlock Gnomes, Tomb Raider, A Wrinkle in Time, Love, Simon, Paul, Apostle of Christ, and Isle of Dogs. 12th. It came out 12th out of the three movies

that were debuting that week. Okay, but to be fair, Sherlock Gnomes, get it? Gnomes, they're like lawns. Don't get me started. I can't record i've just got culture so as bad as it is it's actually way worse than 12 makes it sounds because that's total gross but god's not dead 3 was playing in 1700 theaters isla dogs was in 165 isla dogs out did it so when you look at it in terms of per theater earnings,

God's Not Dead, A Light in the Darkness was 33rd. Even when you knock out movies that were playing in five theaters or fewer, they don't make the top 20. For a Christian movie to perform worse than this would have to cause a schism or a global flood. Yeah, and it did this badly mostly because it starts out as a Christian movie, but then it turns out the character arc is actually about the movie

realizing it's a terrible movie and admitting Christian persecution fantasies are fucking stupid. Right. It's like if Danny LaRusso was about to do the crane kick and just stopped and was like, well, alright, this is stupid, right? I mean,ny's clearly better at karate i shouldn't i should not win this tournament he's better i'm gonna cry and

take a nap right here on this mat that's the movie about the psychopathic stalker who attacks an athlete in front of his girlfriend and then calls it bullying when he stops him and then learns an illegal kick from a homeless man to win a tournament right i'm trying to remember because people that's that's the film in question. No, but the movie we were originally talking about, Guys Not Dead 3. You're homeless. You said you wouldn't say.

Pat Morita was a national treasure. He won an Academy Almost Award. Still alive. He was kind of a dick in person. Was he? Yeah. Okay, so anyway, the film, which continues the narrative of Christian persecution fantasy,

not fucking Karate Kid. We were originally talking about God's Not Dead 3. Now when I say the film, I have to clarify. Anyway, the film, which continues the narrative of Christian persecution fantasy while pandering ever more to David A.R. White's ego, revolves around stakes so insignificant that, as Heath mentioned, the film ends with everyone realizing that wasn't a conflict worth basing a movie

around, and with a Rotten Tomatoes score so bad you'd have to present the percents as stars to make it sound good, the movie going public is clearly sided with Nietzsche on this one. It's okay to fuck your sister. Well, it's like cousins.

Your third sister is fine. And if this headline seems like a less than newsworthy, heartless effort to rub some salt in David A.R. White's festering stigmata, there's a reason for that. And we get to plug the GAM episode we did about it, so make sure you check that out. It's a double, a twofer. And Eli has a blog about it, so make sure you check that out. It's a double. Pretty damn funny. And Eli has a blog about it.

And in anti-fax news tonight, Christian blogger, author, and certified master NLP practitioner, Brittany Cara. Yeah, get ready. Brittany Cara may have just solved the question of vaccines once

and for all this week as she slammed down the fact hammer by pointing out that vaccines are bad because they aren't in the Bible. That's interesting because BoJack Horsewoman doing a vlog is not in the Bible either. Yet there she is looking like Ann Coulter's full. And she's bad, QED. Now, before I get into the argument here, I have to point out that Brittany presented her ideas like all great scientific revelations in a rambling 41-minute long Facebook Live video she shot on her iPhone. Yeah, not what we mean by peer review, Brittany.

Anyway, she claims, quote, there's nothing in the Bible that talks about vaccines. So I just want you guys to think about that. So if God knew in the future that he was going to help create these amazing things, we're going to just change our health and be the best, you know, scientific advancement in human history and human society ever. And it's just, oh, my gosh, they're so great. Like, why isn't there anything any inkling of talk about these things called vaccinations coming into being later to save people like if that was really god's plan and they're so amazing then why isn't it in there at

all end quote yeah why great she's so strong words. Gentlemen, let me ask you, why isn't there anything, any inkling of talk about vaccinations coming into being later to save people? Wait, sorry. Brittany Cara just snapped three times in the video, so I'm going to scream some animal noises into a mirror

for ten minutes and then send her a bunch of money on Western Union. I'll be back later. I don't know if i get that joke but i'm gonna go watch heath do that patreon on your own content nlp is real but that's not all she also seems to think that vaccines are made out of dead babies cause brain damage and turn you transgender saying quote when did we decide that we were going to inject our healthy babies with dead babies? Fucking what? Okay.

Why? I think because live ones would be cruel. I don't get the question. What? What else would we do with those dead babies? Seems like a waste. She goes on, when did we decide that was a smart thing to do and expect them to not have brain damage?

And then we expect them not to have gender disorders. Oh, that's OK. Wow. OK, I have to point this out. When I first read your story, I read cause as the shorthand for because which made your opening statement. She thinks vaccines are made of dead babies because brain damage and turn you transgender right so even when it causes confusion the oxford comma make stuff make more sense because that would be a better sentence it would it would you insult the name of hl mankin

sir the name of hl mankin uh however whatever the case there's one thing for sure. This NLP practitioner has me anchored to her words. Anchored. Snapping. Snapping is an anchor thing, right? There was a Harvard study about liking things you like, and then liars pretended it was hypnosis for rapists. Fascinating. Harvard figured out you like the things you like.

The original paper is fine. It's the hypno-rapists that were the problem. Yeah, that's the biggest problem. Hypno-rapists are always the problem. We're saying we're anti-hypno-rapists to be clear. Got it. New t-shirt. Anti-hypno-rapists.

And in spreading for the gospel news tonight, all of you atheists who are just one motivated anecdote away from faith in Jesus Christ can quietly exit through the back doors this week after mega church pastor Stovall Weems shared just such an anecdote. That's right. That's the man's fucking name. I wasn't trying to say some kind of normal human name and got ahead of myself. The dude's name is Stovall Weems.

Wow. Because, I mean, the dental hygienist for a Wild West prostitute doesn't usually time travel and become a pastor. That's impressive. I think this is a simple case of what do you want to name your baby? Sudden punch in the stomach slash fall down an elevator shaft. You know, just like a. Anyway, this isn't remotely newsworthy, but it's weird as fuck. So I thought I'd share it. So according to what Weems thinks his congregation will believe, he had a personal meeting with Jesus over Easter weekend.

leave he had a personal meeting with jesus over easter weekend that being said he was curiously imprecise on the details leading many people to believe that a long-haired dude in a thorn hat butt-fucked this pastor under false pretenses over easter yeah or what noah calls a good friday what anyone calls a good friday all right so after gushing about jesus's great personality for so long you thought he was going to try to set you up with him he said quote this is an actual quote and that was so what so so so so so what's overwhelming is like it's like he has new in that way but at the same time no no he is not okay this is what the guy said um yeah um anyway the continuing the quote it eventually gets normal i felt like i'd known him forever like like like like like i can't describe the closeness the closest that i felt with jesus like he didn't look at me like i never saw the

front of his face well Maybe this is no surprise. End quote. When did it get normal? I mean sentences. I meant it like eventually broken to sentences. He then adds that Jesus had long brown hair,

but I'm gonna leave that part out because he's already kind of hinted at my guilt too much. Oh, sure. Your prank words are fine. Typical. And in I'll save you Jesusesus news tonight a brazilian performance of the passion of the christ got a little too real for one audience member this week

when apparently seized by the moment he screamed i'm not going to let jesus die jumped on stage and attacked a centurion with a motorcycle helmet. That's the best. I was expecting the guy beside us at God's Not Dead 3 to do that any minute. He just sets off an EMP. No more atheist note taking. That's all you're doing. Dives in the seat, grabs

Noah's pad. Threw him in the face with a hammer. True story. True story. Now, luckily, nobody was hurt except that guy in our movie theater when he and Noah got in a fist fight. The centurion in question was wearing a helmet and the other actors subdued the man relatively quickly.

However, they did have to stop the play while the authorities were called, which led to the actor playing Jesus to like hang there awkwardly and try to take a break. Yes. While in a video, which I will watch forever when I'm sad for the rest of my life. Do I say thank you? I feel like I feel like I should say thank you.

Honestly, the whole thing, it looked like like a brazilian jerry springer show jerry was like you are the father and joseph runs out and tackles jesus all angry pretty much exactly what it looked like now like i said there there is a video of this and i highly recommend watching this gentleman's slow-mo dive in front of the spear followed by him getting all bam margara on the romans but it does make you wonder, if this guy goes to heaven, what his welcome will be like. Will be like. Will be like.

Where, uh, where am I? There he is. Dave. Whoa. Jesus. Is that you? You bet it is. That's my guy, Dave.

Come here. I want you to meet everybody. Hey, Phil, come meet Dave. Oh, hey. Hey, Phil. Dave here. Dave saw me being attacked and tried to save me. Ran right up there swinging, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah. I was pretty severely mentally ill. That's not the point, though. The point is you saw the son of God getting attacked, and you just went for it, didn't you? In a play, though, Jesus Christ. Well, sure, Phil, but you saw a lot of passion plays during your life

as a church leader, didn't you? You ever jump on stage and try to help? I can't remember what I'm thinking about it. No, but that's because... That's because you're not Dave! Dave, my man! Try to save Jesus. I really needed medical help.

This guy, right? This guy. Good to see you, Jesus. I'm going to go to the blowjob fountain. Yeah, you do that, Phil. You go enjoy my blowjob fountain. I'm going to hang out with my buddy Dave. There's a blowjob fountain. Yeah, you do that, Phil. You go enjoy my blowjob fountain. I'm going to hang out with my buddy Dave. There's a blowjob fountain? Yeah, it's actually kind of weird. Are the mouths coming out of it? Or it's dicks and then they

burry. You're in it? And now that I have some totally unrelated schematics to draw up, I guess we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucyn. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. So when you do something like this every week, it's hard not to get a bit repetitive. So to combat that, I usually try to come up with a theme that ties the stories I'm going to be talking about together. Now, sometimes the stories just naturally lend themselves to that. Other weeks, not so much. So in a kind of desperate effort to tie this all together, our theme this week will be a tour of a few of the least pleasant

places on earth, Uganda, Idaho, and Bible study. So we'll start off in Uganda, where the nation's newspaper recently issued an apology after realizing that giving a special prize to the woman with the most harrowing story of sexual abuse might have been in bad taste. The misguided contest from the Daily Monitor asked female readers to tweet out their stories of gender-based violence, and in return, one lucky person would win a luxurious bottle of wine. Now, as ill-advised as the structure of this contest was, I should probably give the newspaper a bit of credit for what seems like an earnest effort to draw attention to the nation's heinous record of sexual violence. According to a recent study, the majority of women

in Uganda will experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime. That being said, getting them drunk for being the best at it is still pretty tone deaf. And speaking of tone deaf, our next story takes us to Idaho, where a candidate for lieutenant governor recently called for the death penalty for women who get abortions. This horseshoe theory version of pro-life came on Monday during a podcast forum for conservative Christian candidates, where current state Senator Bob Nonini sought to outdo his rivals by calling for women to be put to death for exercising a constitutionally protected right. And if you were thinking maybe this was just a case of escalating hyperbole, his campaign

disabused you of that with a statement that came out afterwards confirming that, yes, he does think women deserve to be executed for evicting a blastocyst. After the predictable backlash, yes, this is even extreme for Idaho, he kind of walked things back by saying the death penalty would only be used as a deterrent, then made added insult to the death threat by implying that he could outfox all those little ladies and make them think he'd kill them, even though he actually wouldn't. And as bad as that is, at least it recognizes more intellectual autonomy from women than you get from the Trump's Bible study. So the guys have talked before on the show about the Trump

Cabinet Weekly Bible study. Trump doesn't go, of course, but Pence, Sessions, Pompeo, and a lot of the other heavy hitters are regular attendees, including Betsy DeVos, even though she's not allowed to talk, you know, because of the vagina. See, the dude who leads these little theocracy sessions is Ralph Drollinger. And among the many antiquated idiot thoughts he espouses is that women shouldn't be allowed to lead at anything. In fact, he thinks it's sinful for women with children to serve in Congress. And it also means the Secretary of Education has to sit down and shut up in these meetings, apparently. And don't get me wrong,

nobody on earth needs to sit down and shut up more than Betsy DeVos. But for the record, Ralph Drollinger is still pretty high on that list. And even though I'm tempted to keep talking just to piss Drollinger off, that's where my segment ends. So I'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in We Were Using Liberty Ironically News Tonight, Liberty University reminded us this week why religious and university are and should remain two different things when it freaked the fuck out on liberal Christian author Shane Claiborne.

and should remain two different things when it freaked the fuck out on liberal Christian author Shane Claiborne. Claiborne, who managed to be wrong in a far less dangerous way than most Christians, is a vocal critic of Donald Trump and, by extension, Trump's evangelical cheerleader-in-chief, Jerry Falwell Jr. Yeah, so I guess congrats to Shane Claiborne, the clean coal of Christian voices. Yeah, right. Great job. Right. Yeah, the big-boned kid at fat camp but perhaps taken in by christianity's gratuitous lip service to cheek turning clayborne reached out to fall well to propose a joint prayer event at liberty university to remind christians that even when

they disagree politically they can still come together in prayer Falwell told him to fuck off in fact he went so far as threatening to have Shane Claiborne arrested if he set foot on Liberty U's campus I want to know how that conversation went it's just like I actually think it would be really nice for us to you know stand like my ground my ground yeah I will stand my ground. Stay out of my fucking cult. I mean, off my campus. I didn't say cult. I meant campus. Before I go on, I want to reflect on how freaked the fuck out the Christian persecution LARPers would be if a secular university threatened to arrest a Christian for coming on campus to pray for any reason whatsoever.

Right? If this was Harvard saying, no, you can't have your prayer event here because you had your dick out when you came to ask us, it'd be the plot of God's Not Dead 4. And God, I want that to be the plot of God's... They call us, man, call us. He's there. Yeah, right?

But since it was a Christian turning him away for not being Christian enough, evangelicals are turning to into their electric monks apparently david a.r white just drops into harvard's chapel like mission impossible says a prayer gets pulled back out into a vent the bible he's got it drops and it sticks in the floor like a knife i just want to know what he's repelling with gotta catch a drop of the virgin mary's blood i get it we can make this movie call us so okay so even without fallwell's endorsement clayborne did end up having his prayer event somewhere near

liberty university kind of like i'm not touching you of ritualistic wish casting i guess so liberty you send student journalist aaron covey there to cover this thing for the school newspaper but quick before they run a story about the event, Falwell gets personally involved and nixes the story, arguing that Claiborne's group was just stirring up shit to get fans. Covey cried foul and pointed out the policies of the university to make it almost as difficult to publish accurate things as the theology does. I mean, you went to a Christian school, Aaron. So good.

And in Ant-Man news tonight, Christian televangelist Frank Amadia took to the airwaves this week to show us that when God said small miracles, he meant that shit literally. Amadia, who regular listeners will remember for claiming to stop a tsunami, blaming AIDS on unnatural sex, and saying he cured a guy's tongue cancer by saying magic words to him on TV was a guest on Tri-State Christian Television Today because there are some people even CNN won't let on a panel. And while on air this week, he used that opportunity to tell the story of the time he brought an ant back from the dead. Worst use of power ever.

Right? Next, he's at a children's hospital just like growing hair on leukemia patients. Hey! Hey! Magic healer guy. Magic healer guy, you want to focus up? Fingernail growing. No. Fix the blood cancer. God damn it.

I throw the cards and then they'll take a picture. Get it. Now, I highly recommend checking out the video in the show notes because this guy delivers a fucking lightning round of extraordinary claims. I mean, he says he raised three people

from the dead. He gave a baby a kidney that was born without one, but he really settles in on this aunt story, so I guess I'm going to as well. Yeah. Yeah. Baby coming to term without a kidney.

Dive a dozen. But raid says kills and dead right there in a fucking slogan, guys. Yeah. So according to a mania, he's praying one day and he gets bitten by an ant. So he squishes it. And then the Holy Spirit reaches out to him and says, quote, Son, I hear the cry of an ant. Oh, God. So hold on.

Wait, wait. Jesus goes full post-Ulderaan Obi-Wan every time somebody uses a bag of ortho? Right? That seems inefficient. Trying to go to a movie with Jesus every few seconds. He's like, it's like a thousand fleas called out at once. And then we're oh jesus okay so here's what happened next according to frank's own words quote i began to weep inside of me i

want to see that first of all and then the lord said son take your finger and touch the ant the power inside out little girl the power of god shot out and the ant it came alive and the pieces all were together and it jumped on my finger jumped yep came up very slowly on my palm and stopped right there as if it was looking right at me yes wait hold on all the pieces yes we're together like terminator liquid metal guy like did he shatter the ant when he squished did he cut it up like buffalo bill to make chitten exoskeleton skin suit what the fuck was happening who knows who knows so uh then god tells him that the ant is grateful that he healed it and and his co-hosts all fake a coughing fit to cover their laughter. Yeah, I just wanted to pull a dead out covered in scotch tape out of his pocket, and that ant is here with us today.

Say hi. Oh, Philip, come on. Stop telling me to shit in a salad bar. He does gymnastics on my hand now. Look. All right, well, now he's not doing it. Hello now look all right well now he's not doing it hello my baby no he's not doing it make him nervous don't look at him don't look at him you can't do it while you look did it so well at home so here's the thing we love some wacky

christian fun here on the skating atheist but a quick reminder franka media is president trump's unofficial but only because it doesn't fucking exist, liaison for Christian policy. So, while he may talk to God and stop storms and cure ants, he also has the ear of the President of the fucking United States.

Oh my God. And finally tonight, we have some great news to close out the headlines. So if you're anything like me, you've been hoping for years that the wildly aggressive Little League dad from your hometown would eventually make a video explaining the sexual orientation of masturbating. Well, it finally happened. All right. Well, in my case, it happened again. But yeah, so coach Dave Dobenmeier finished angrily measuring wood for no reason and gave us the official ruling on this during the latest episode of his past the salt live Christian webcast that he has.

And the answer is. It's gay. So if you thought masturbation was hetero or bisexual or pansexual, you were wrong. It's gay. Which means I can legally force Dave Dobenmeier

to make me a masturbation cake. He's going to hear that. Somebody send him that clip. He won't come out of his abandoned football stadium for a year. It's Easy Bank ovens for emergencies. Just a light bulb, Dave. Eating dough, buddy. Yeah, so if you're not familiar with Coach Dave,

he's the guy who's always in an abandoned football stadium doing a podcast or whatever the fuck he does. Also, today is the day to change that. You need to get familiar with Coach Dave. he's in an abandoned football stadium doing a podcast or whatever the fuck he does um also today is the day to change that you need to get familiar with coach dave if you've never seen a devoutly christian homophobe accidentally come out as gay to himself out loud on camera you now have that chance here's the exact words quote masturbation is homosexuality. You're having sex with a man. You get it?

You put images of a woman in your mind, but you're having sex with a man. It's where the devil will take us if we give them free reign in our minds. End quote. Well, then Satan take the wheel, I yeah so uh i have questions um first of all are we all picturing coach dave painting his fingernails trying to make his hand into a lady because that's clearly happening right or maybe dress dressing up his dick like a lady it's definitely one of the other he's trying to like make it straight somehow little wig he puts a bra on the balls. Yeah, I picture

it. Also, I found it interesting that he used the non-binary pronoun them to refer to the devil. He did. Which was a weirdly progressive move from Coach Dave. So that was nice, I guess. But I'm curious

what he thinks about that. If you're non-binary, isn't that the perfect loophole around Leviticus? And since we're all on a gender spectrum, we're all non-binary in some sense. So we're all allowed to fuck whoever we want. We're all just fucking. There you go. So, I mean, somebody should tell Christianity. And I feel like we could resolve this whole mix up with the horrible centuries of rabid.

You God, wouldn't that be nice? we could resolve this whole mix up with the horrible centuries of rabid bigotry. God, wouldn't that be nice? Oh my, I'd love it if there was some theological equivalent of reason, right? Like if you could go into the Southern Baptist Convention with a theological proof or something that whacking off is okay. Everybody's junk is out nine seconds later. Everybody's got their dick and everything. You just hand out the flow chart

to the church 10 seconds later they're all drinking i love it yeah absolutely um so one last thing um i'm curious about the rules so he tries to keep jamming women into his head like it's a meditation mantra apparently but he just keeps slipping back to dudes now that by that by itself, I feel like that means nothing. I mean, who among us hasn't tried to slow things down a little bit by thinking about baseball, but then all of a sudden you're picturing Derek Jeter's live naked body turning a perfect double play. That's not gay. That's just being a loyal Yankee fan. Everybody does that.

But then the devil ends up in his head and that's a goat man. So that's bestiality, right? Or like half. That's like semi bestiality. So, okay, Dave, if you're listening, give us a call. Pretty sure you're fucking a goat without realizing. We'll walk you through it. I feel like you need to hear.

We'll walk him through fucking a goat? And before Eli gets any ideas about his next citation needed essay we're going to close off the headlines right there heath eli thanks as always yeah no and then we do manji and when we come back god will be here to make a couple of Some people worry that eventually we at The Scathing Atheist will run out of source material and exhaust the supply of Christian idiocy to make fun of. But others have read the Bible. And to allay the fears of the former, we'd like to present the next installment of... Bible Peace Theater.

Oh, boy. Sarah, Sarah, get in here. Uh, yes, Mr. President. I mean, God, Mr. God. Oh, what happened yesterday? I feel awful. Yeah, uh, okay, well, Tyler quit, so you and I just really rested, you know?

Really got to resting. Okay, okay, time to get back to work. We don't need Tyler anyway. Read me back last week's notes. Um, notes? Yeah, Tyler took a... Never mind, we can remember it. Right, right, of course. All right, so first, I built the heavens and the earth.

I remember that. Right, right right i remember that too and then i made the plants um i feel like you skipped a day nah nah it's cool i made the plants right plants okay and then i made people okay no you're definitely skipping stuff and then plants like a garden like no like four seconds ago you said plants just now for my humans but what but most important i'm gonna make two trees two big beautiful trees you're not gonna believe okay okay i'll just skip that other stuff it's fine it's fine all right so the first tree of life, which if you eat the fruit, it's going to make you an immortal god. Aren't they already immortal gods?

Spoilers. Sorry. Sorry. And second tree, even better, even bigger, tree of knowledge, which will teach you the difference between good and evil. Okay. I feel like there's a bunch of other stuff that needs to be created there was already an order that we had but i don't know whatever it's probably fine but we had okay sarah who's gonna care about a couple of differences

a couple billion people yeah see no big deal. Hey. Hey, you. Wake up. Ugh. Whoa. Um, what's up? I have created you to take care of this garden. Wait. Really? What? Yeah, that's what the book says. The Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. Um, like, like in hats? What? No, no.

Dress is just fancy talk. Okay. Couldn't, couldn't you just make a garden that doesn't need dressing and keeping? Complaining already? See, this is why I wanted to make you Mexican. Uh, racist. You ain't seen nothing yet. Okay.

Uh, watch the garden. You want me to watch the garden? seen nothing yet. Okay, uh, watch the garden. You want me to watch the garden? I got it. Yeah, and, and, hub yourself to the fruit. Oh, but, but, but, do not eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. For if you do,

that very day, you will die. That very day? That very day? That very day. Okay. Just off the top of my head, maybe we just get rid of that tree. It feels like a bad idea.

No, no, no, no. It stays. The other person who was running for God deleted thousands of trees. You know that? Nobody cares. I care. Lou, Lou, Lou.

Hanging out in the garden, doing garden stuff. Garden stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey. How you doing? Oh, uh, good. Good. Just hanging out in my garden, doing garden stuff. Great. Look, I can see that you're lonely. It is not fit

that man shall be alone,, I shall make you a help No, no, I'm actually fine I'm good Really? Yeah, I like this I mean, I'm just doing my garden thing, having fun You're not, like, lonely? No, no

I found this hole in a pear tree Let's just say I am set Okay Well, uh I'm gonna make in a pear tree. Let's just say I am set. Okay. Well, I'm going to make you a help meet anyway. Help meet? Yeah. Is it like a Roomba?

What are you talking about? Well, for the next 2,000 years or so, yeah. It's kind of like a Roomba. Oh, awesome. Okay, big boy. Here we go. What do you think? That's a cow? Is that a cow? Okay. Okay, big boy. Here we go. What do you think? That's a cow? Is that a cow?

Okay. Okay. That's called a cow now. Good. But what do you think? Good help me? You want to help me? Okay.

Well, I was thinking something that looks a little bit more like me. More like him. Okay. Good. Got it. Got it. I'll be back. Great. Alright, how about this?

Huh? Two legs, hair, a face. Well, I mean, yeah, that's a monkey, though. That's a monkey. Monkey. This is great. We're double-tasking. Not for you, though, huh? You don't want to get all up in there? I mean, in a pinch,

but I feel like you could do better. Okay, buddy, I got to tell you, right now, we've named 8.7 million kinds of animal. None of them have fit your fancy. I don't want to say that you're picky. I just want to say that this process has been long, and I personally have been. That's fair. Okay, well, can I see the spider one more time? I feel like the spider might be the one

You know what? I have one last thought Let me try one last thought Okay, lay it on me Okay, I'm gonna What? Oh, look over there Did that peat fall into that tree trunk full of rotten water?

Scotch! Where? Where? This guy in the scotch Okay, here we go Just gonna grab one of these Yep, rib should be fine. And then I'm gonna add a butt to the front. And longer hair. And like this downstairs.

I'll just like cave this in. Whoa, man. That is, uh, that's what I'm gonna call it. Whoa, man. Okay, wait, why is Heath Adam? Well, because Noah's going to be the serpent in a second. Yeah, but I'm married to Noah. Why can't Anna be Eve?

Well, we're still in negotiation for her participation in this part of the show. Also, why does that matter? Anna is married to me. For now. What? What happened? Did somebody drink the scotch what happened hi hey what um did you see what happened to the scotch whoever you are no no are you even a little bit curious as to who or what i am not not really um it looks like water but but brown and smoky, the scotch. Because we're like destined to be together for all eternity.

Okay, but like, I need my space. I just want to be clear. I was literally just- You're smothering me. Good way to start off this relationship. Yeah, well, get used to it. Lou, Lou, Lou. Garden stuff. Garden stuff, loot, loot. Dude, garden stuff.

Garden stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, how's it going? Oh, hey, Snake. What's going on? Oh, you know, just chilling. Just an arm day, so my thighs are real sore right now. Great. Eating some fruit there?

Yep. Nothing else to eat, right? Sure. Sure. What about the big tree of good and evil? Have you tried Eating some fruit there? Yep, nothing else to eat, right? Sure, sure What about the big tree of good and evil? Have you tried that fruit? Nah, God says if we eat it, we'll die Or, or Maybe you could gain knowledge of good and evil What do I need that for?

God tells us what's good and evil Does he, though? Farrah, Farrah Can you check and see if I could put my name on the universe somewhere? Like, call it God's Universe Okay, you've got a point Hey Adam God, will you get off my back?

Nice, you want some of this? What, what is it? Just try it Just tell me what it is first Just try it What? You're being weird, is it bad? It's not bad, just try it. Just tell me what it is first. Just try it. What? You're being weird. Is it bad? It's not bad. Just try it. I don't wanna.

Are you serious right now? Yeah, fine, fine. I'll try it. And so it was that that's how man would be convinced to try something by women forevermore. Especially milk. Which, if you think is bad, you could really just throw out. You don't need to make us taste it. Hey, that's actually pretty good.

What is it? That's that fruit. God said we kill us. Seriously? Are you mad? Well, yeah. I mean, it's just that like. Yeah.

Well, I'm not mad. I get. All right. Let's let's go. Let's go cover our junk, though. You seem mad. I said I'm not mad. All right, let's go cover our junk, though. You seem mad. I said I'm not mad. Okay, well, now you're yelling. You're yelling. And so it was.

Watch it, mister. Well, it was. I could ask Eve to do it, but I feel like that'll be weird for me and Adam. And we're like bros. Nah, nah. He's cool. He's cool. Shit, it's God.

Hide, hide. Maybe if I squeeze the lemons on my face, it'll feel like it. Right? And then I won't have to do it. That could work. Yeah. What's he doing? Shh. What?

Who's that? Man? You there? Oh, hey. Hey, God. Hey, God. Oh, hey. We were... I wasn't... I wasn't doing anything. Yeah, um, us neither. Nothing. We weren't doing anything.

Cool. Cool. Why are you guys hiding? Oh, uh, well, heard your voice, and, uh, I was naked, and, uh, didn't want to, um... Uh, wait. Wait. Who told you you were naked?

Um, Vogue? Did you guys eat the fruit I told you not to eat? She did it. She made me eat it. I didn't want to and she did it. You were the one. Hi, how's it going, God? Tyler.

Hi, Tyler. Sarah, you look like a sloppy cement mold of Mad-Eye Moody. Yeah, tough, but fair. That's fair. Tyler, what are you doing here? Well, it turns out that your plans are super easy to fuck up. Okay, okay. Everyone's in trouble.

All right, woman, now Childbirth is gonna hurt Like a lot, a lot From now on, just so you know Ooh, that's so bad for you I'm so sorry about that, Eve I'll be like Right there for you though, I promise Great

Well, I mean, unless I'm busy I hate this book Just wait till Timothy And you, Tyler, you will slither on the earth forever Well, I mean, unless I'm busy. I hate this book. Just wait till Timothy. And you, Tyler, you will slither on the earth forever. And, and, you will eat dust. You will live on nothing but dust. Um, sir?

Okay, I've been informed snakes don't actually eat dust, so that was a metaphor. Also, also, but here's another punishment for you, Tyler. All ladies will hate you. You and women will be enemies forevermore, and they will always be... Um, uh, sir, sir. Okay, I've been informed that not all women are afraid of snakes, so that is also a metaphor. For what? Racism. Really?

Yeah, no, there's actually a whole gnostic tradition of this story being about eve fucking the snake and kane turning out black as a result it was in the church until like 1950 oh wow really yeah uh excuse me i'm talking sarah sarah what else does it say i do to them on my list um okay uh well to punish Adam for listening to his wife, you make women under men. Chapter three. We're on chapter three of this shit. Yeah.

And you make plants have thorns also. Wait, the plants didn't have thorns before? I guess not. No. This is not how plants work. Metaphor. It's a metaphor. For what? I don plants work. Metaphor. It's a metaphor. For what?

What's it about? I don't know, man, but it's a metaphor. But, but I'm also going to make it so peat grows really, really slowly. And around 2020, the world will run out of it. No, Eli's bringing up the scotchpocalypse. We said no doing that. Eli, we agreed. We're not going to bring up the scotchpocalypse. Didn't we?

Didn't, isn't there? Whatever. It's true.'re not going to bring up the Scotchpocalypse, didn't we? Isn't there? Whatever. It's true. I'm going to kill you and marry your wife. Good. She deserves to be happy. This is a weird fight that we're having now. This is weird. I don't feel comfortable about the last couple lines I had.

And then you named them Adam and Eve. Wait, I named them now? Yeah, now. Okay, well, what the hell was I saying before? I mean, there were only two people. I think you could just say, hey, and they'd assume you were talking to them as the only people. Alright, I'm gonna leave it there. And worst

of all, you know what? Worst of all, I didn't want to do this, but Adam, Eve, you're gonna die now. Like, right now? Oh, no. No, in like 930 years. Oh, considerably less. No.

Yeah. Said you'd die the same day. I never said that, Tyler. I never said that. Actually, sir, you did. Sarah, not now. Sorry. Sorry.

You know what? It doesn't matter. Take these coats of animal skins and be gone from my garden. Forever gone. Okay. Coat of animal skin. That's a weird choice. Like a gift bag? Is that what you're doing?

Also, did you kill the animals while we weren't looking? Or are these skins, you know, just, like, poofed? I don't know. Sarah, what does it say in the book? Doesn't. Oh, this is gonna be fun. Okay, so, uh, what if we just eat from the tree of life? The one that makes us gods

and immortal? I mean, wouldn't that undo this? Look, whose idea was that tree, Sarah? Yours. Remember, we saw that episode of Land of the Lost with the midget and you were all freaked out? Oh, that's right. Okay, we saw that episode of Land of the Lost with the midget and you were all freaked out? Oh, that's right. Okay, well, then I shall place a flaming sword at Eden's gate so that none shall eat of the tree of life. Hello!

Exactly. You are not getting into Eden in those shoes, honey. Come back and see me in a couple thousand years when you have a Prada bag. Motherfucker. Yeah, this sucks. Will all of humanity be doomed to mortality? Yes, but we're going to act like it's a cliffhanger anyway and return in a few weeks with yet more Bible Peace Theater. Before we fight over the tab tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you missed my talk on how to survive a theocracy in eight easy steps last month, you get another chance next month.

The Central New York Humanist Association invited me out on Sunday, May 6th in Syracuse, New York at 1 p.m. I'm going to be giving an updated version of the talk now with 25% more dominionism. So even if you already caught be giving an updated version of the talk, now with 25% more dominionism, so even if you already caught it, there's plenty of new material there. Check the show notes for details. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I wouldn't earn the right to call myself the host if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being top-notch, Lucinda for being top-tier, and Eli for being topological. He's stretchy, is what I'm saying. He maintains his... Anyway. I also want to thank Anna for stepping way outside her comfort zone by reading the copy instead of singing it this time. Much appreciated.

I also need to thank John Gardner from The Beginner's Guide to Model Railroading for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for serving as a reminder that sometimes they sit in my inbox for a couple of weeks before we use them, so best not to make them too topical. Anyway, if you'd like to give his show a listen, you'll find a link on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most magnanimous mammals, Kyle Shannon, Andrew Hilbrun, DM, Christina, Robin, Susie, Deirdre, Jacqueline, Matt, Anderson, Oliver, West, James, Tyler, Epluribus, Unum, Sterling, Ernest, and Joanna. Kyle, Shannon, Andrew, Hilbrun, and DM, whose IQs are often mistaken for their years of birth. Christina, Robin, Susie, Deirdre, and Jacqueline, whose vaginas would be the preferred subjects if flowers did impressionist painting.

Matt, Anderson, Oliver, James, and Tyler, whose erections have their own spot on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness. And West, Epluribus, Unum, Sterling, Ernest, and Joanna, whose neurotransmitters upgraded to 5G before it was cool. Together, these 20 people, compass points, and secular national mottos have improved our national standing this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the commitment to excellence in poop jokes it takes to give us money, but if you're up to the challenge,

you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingattheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAtheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're setting your money on fire quick before the trade war can do it for you, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes. That's the best way you can improve our visibility. Also, like us on Facebook if you're still doing the whole Facebook thing.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. Go, Eli. We're recording. I think... Tell him to go. Stop laughing at you.

You say go. Say go now. Did you say go now? Or are you telling him to say go now? All right, so... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.