The Scathing Atheist - 276: Keytar Edition

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

In this week’s episode, Catholic Hospitals will get a reward for keeping those “no jews or Irish” signs in the basement for a reason, Alex Jones continued his slow, non-surgical tracheotomy by talking again this week, and Seth Andrews of the Thinking Atheist podcast will be here to rock for the king. To see the whole Citation Needed crew live in Chicago, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-chicago-tickets-45942658729 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Link: Hear more from Seth here: http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/ Diatribe Links: Project Blitz seeks to inundate legislatures with Christian bills: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/26/opinion/project-blitz-christian-nationalists.html and http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/05/28/project-blitz-is-the-christian-nationalist-plan-to-merge-god-and-government/ and http://cpcfoundation.com/first-freedom-coalition-project-blitz/ and https://www.salon.com/2018/04/29/onward-christian-soldiers-right-wing-religious-nationalists-launch-dramatic-new-power-play/ Headlines: Christians freak out over Irish abortion referendum: http://theliberal.ie/dublin-priest-tells-congregation-during-sermon-if-you-voted-yes-you-have-no-business-receiving-holy-communion/ and https://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/religion-and-beliefs/catholics-who-voted-yes-should-consider-confession-says-bishop-1.3511127 Rick Wiles says we need demon control, not gun control: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/05/23/we-dont-need-gun-control-we-need-demon-control-christian-broadcaster-says/ "Laughter Revival" pastor says you're going to Hell if you make fun of him: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/05/24/pastor-if-you-make-fun-of-my-holy-laughter-revival-youre-going-to-hell/ Also he has proof that Luciferians run the planet and drink blood: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/05/23/christian-pastor-i-have-proof-the-luciferians-who-run-the-planet-drink-blood/ Liberal Christians march to White House to "reclaim Jesus": https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bishop-michael-curry-joins-christian-march-to-white-house-to-reclaim-jesusus5b07261ae4b0fdb2aa51b060 Alex Jones says Boy Scouts of America is a "pedophile induction center": http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/alex-jones-the-boy-scouts-of-america-is-a-pedophile-induction-center/

Warning, this podcast contains explicit language and is best listened to while not approved. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by 4Hems, ZipRecruiter, Stamps.com and by the new zero calorie slash zero belief religion for the modern Christian, Giant Joke. Just for the waste of it, Giant Joke. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Okay folks, this is how you do it. You go to your app store for whatever system that you've got.

If you've got the Firefox OS for your phone, then I don't know what to tell you. You're just strange anyhow. You're strange, but I love you that strange. Anyhow, you download a sound recording application to your phone. Then you press the red button. And then you talk into it. And you say stuff like, Hi, this is your old pal Dan at your old pal Dan on Twitter.

And we did, in fact, come from the very filthiest of monkey men. It's Thursday. It's May 31st. And I just took an Ambien so you can blame the rest of the show on that. I'm Noah Lusens. I'm Eli show on that. I'm Noah Lucius. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania.

This is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Catholic hospitals knew they kept those no Jews or Irish signs in the basement for a reason. Alex Jones continued his slow, non-surgical tracheotomy by talking again this week. And Seth Andrews will be here to rock for the cake. But first, the diatribe. around midday saturday i started getting messages from listeners about once every half hour linking me to this opinion piece in the new york times a lot of them with messages along the lines of hey isn't this exactly what your theocracy talk is about and on the hand, it's quite vindicating to see the nation's second largest newspaper prominently agreeing with something you've been traveling around the country to warn

people about for the last year. And on the other hand, it's damn frustrating to realize that the New York Times is just now noticing. So the piece is by one Catherine Stewart and it's titled A Christian National Blitz. In the op ed, Stewart outlines a transparent effort by the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation to bring down the Constitution with a legislative DDoS attack called Project Blitz.

And I do mean transparent. They're making no effort to hide their goal. So what's the goal? To overwhelm the courts with unconstitutional laws. One of the masterminds behind the scheme is pseudo-historian David Barton, who swears he thought PhD

just meant pretty happening dancer. He's the one of the four people masterminds behind the scheme is pseudo historian david barton who who swears he thought phd just meant pretty happening dancer he's the one of the four people that make up project blitz's steering committee and he's described the strategy as a whack-a-mole for the other side adding quote it'll drive them crazy that they'll have to divide their resources out in opposing bills end quote and look if you have absolutely no attachment to constitutional law and no moral qualms about forcibly clogging the American judicial system and grinding countless vital functions to a halt, this is a great strategy. Right. I mean, they've got plenty of crazy zealots in positions of power on federal, state and municipal levels all over the country. And passing an unconstitutional law is a hell of a lot quicker than getting rid of one through the courts. And even if it wasn't, they could just outman us. They could out dollar us. So their stated goal is to break the law so

frequently that the courts have to give up on punishing them. Of course, all of this is done under the guise of religious freedom. But if the last few years have taught us anything, it's that that term subject to radical reinterpretation at a moment's notice. And in case that wasn't clear, by the way, Project Blitz makes that explicit on their website as well. Twice in their mission statement, they talk about reclaiming the narrative and the language of religious liberty issues. In other words, changing the laws by redefining the words in them. Stewart sums it up nicely in the article. She says, quote, the mission has little to do with what most Americans would call religious freedom.

quote, the mission has little to do with what most Americans would call religious freedom. This is just the latest attempt by religious extremists to use the coercive powers of government to secure a privileged position for their version of Christianity, end quote. Of course, none of this is at all new. We've been talking about this evolving strategy since the show started. I've been given a talk about it for the last few months describing exactly this and occasionally in the exact same words as David Bart barton except i add for fuck's sake at the end what is new is how brazen they're getting they're actively trying to reform our secular government into an evangelical protestant theocracy and they're no longer trying to hide it they're just calling it christian nationalism and and look it's effective according to americans united for separation of church and state more than 70 bills before state

legislatures alone seem to be based on the legislative templates Project Blitz is churning out. These are carefully worded, slightly unconstitutional laws that inch us a little closer to outright monotheistic monarchy while presenting themselves as common sense laws that seem harmless to most people. harmless to most people. A Minnesota law that allows teachers to post, in God we trust, in the classroom. An Oklahoma bill that would allow adoption agencies to discriminate on the basis of what they think Jesus thinks. A New Hampshire bill that would allow doctors to refuse necessary medical procedures if they make baby Jesus cry. And of course, all these bills are further couched in cushy little titles that are as close to the Stop Stepping on Babies and Boiling Puppies Act as they can get away with with a straight face. Like, for example, the Child Protection Act, or acts more like it,

since they've managed to get virtually identical language introduced in at least four different bills. And what do these Child Protection Acts protect against? Why, being adopted by loving parents who fuck the wrong gender, of course. How about the eight Bible literacy acts that seek to carve out exceptions that allow holy books to be taught in schools, but only if it's the one that has real Jesus in it?

Or the 10 First Amendment defense bills, which would legalize state-sanctioned discrimination across the board. And of course, the 23 national motto display acts, which would remind American people who their nation trusts in just in case they've never seen money. But of course, if you're just the average unplugged voter, none of that seems

like a big deal, right? They've confused the definition of religious freedom with an Orwellian fervor that's left many observers honestly unable to recall what that's even supposed to mean. And so when they suddenly look up and realize that they're living in a world where there's one set of laws for the Christians and a different set of laws for everybody else. Average Joe America is going to look to you and say, oh, that's what you were getting all Cassandra about. That's it. And as disparate as these goals might seem, they all come from the common source of Christian exceptionalism. The bullshit pseudo historical construct promoted by David Barton and his discredit acolytes, this thoroughly debunked notion that America was founded as a Christian nation,

despite our claim to fame being our secular government and our First Amendment expressly saying the opposite. And regardless of how anathema this concept is to real historians, evangelical dominions are actively trying to insert it into American textbooks, weave it into American theology, and insert it into American law. And if you take a minute to scroll through their model bills, you'll see these themes reinforced again and again. They've got a model Civic Literacy Act and a Religion and History Act that require the posting of the founding documents in public schools. But then they go on to describe those founding documents in a way that purposely omits every possible reference to secularism or the importance of religious freedom the original kind that is and look when you're

trying to connect these dots for people you can feel like glenn beck standing at his chalkboard right i mean even just in this diatribe i'm arguing that laws about which founding documents we display in public schools is a threat to lgbt rights so it's a hard struggle to motivate people on our side to take this seriously but if we cede the past to these people, we're also giving them the future. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Thelma and Louise of atheism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to accelerate? OK, sounds funny now, but I'm going to wake up one day in a car with Eli at the edge of the Grand Canyon. We're both going to be dressed like ladies.

It's going to be like, remember from the intro to the headlines? Don't put stuff out like you did. Is this because of what I did after he called us the Bonnie and Clyde of atheism? Yes, obviously. Okay, while Heath relives that traumatic memory, we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, HIMSS. Hi, folks. Eli, Noah, and Heath here with another advertisement for 4himss.com. What's 4himss.com?

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That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash scathing for hymns dot com slash scathing dick pills we hear they're awesome and we're back in our lead story tonight the republic of ireland got their shit nominally together last week and overturned their pre-scientific abortion laws by an overwhelming majority nearly two-thirds of votes cast in the referendum sought to overturn a 1983 amendment that granted equal right to life to unborn children and the women they lived in. And after suffering through 35 years of seeing what that misguided bullshit actually looks like in practice, including the notorious case of Savita Halapanavar, the 31-year-old woman who died of sepsis because the Irish doctors weren't allowed to perform abortions

while a fetal heartbeat was detectable, Ireland finally said enough. abortions while a fetal heartbeat was detectable ireland finally said enough yeah when your laws have you aborting a mom in her 130th trimester because there was some like jingly cum in her belly yeah probably time to change up the laws it's a very specific right to life yeah now we already talked about this referendum a bit on the skeptocrats so i'm not going to focus so much on the vote here as i am on the resulting christian freak out anna what are the guys talking about it's the newest the greatest christian freak out all right so obviously the catholic church was super active leading up to the referendum urging their supporters to keep these unborn babies out of heaven at any cost and the overwhelming extent to which they were ignored has them more than a little worried about their stranglehold on the Irish populace.

And instead of the dire introspection that this might prompt in a sane person, Irish priests decided to throw tantrums. Hey, I get it. Can't fuck a kid who was never born. Am I right? No. Okay. So, for example, the Bishop of Elfin, Kevin Duran, took to the airwaves the day uh following the announcement to urge catholics who voted yes to at least confess their sins after all they don't want

to wind up in hell with all those abortion havers when asked during a television interview if a yes vote on the referendum was a de facto sin dolan replied quote if they knew and intended abortion as the outcome yes i believe so end quote okay what does he think the ballot looked like like how many babies should we murder a a little b medium amount of murdering babies c all of them d jill stein vote once what the fuck maybe he thinks some people voted yes to increase rubber glove sales you know there's a lot right no yeah exactly and not every catholic authority was quite so reserved according to a dublin morning radio show a priest leading mass in the area on the sunday after the decision was announced told this congregation that anyone

who voted yes had no business expecting to receive holy communion so yeah you can have your abortion but if you do he's taking his crackers and going home. Okay. Okay, Father, let's compromise. I used a condom, so I know that's some kind of... Let me just fill it up with wine for later. I'll fill the condom. That's like half and halfsies. This is my body. Take it and remember me.

Unless you disagree with a 60-year-old virgin in two millennia. Then you can fuck right off. Right. My body now. Of course, the real freak out is the sudden realization by catholics that they don't have much dick left to swing in irish politics and i can't imagine why this is coming as a surprise to him i mean the media keeps referring to ireland as a predominantly catholic or even overwhelmingly catholic country but that belies the fact that

the majority of irish people don't give the least fuck what the Catholic Church has to say about anything. I mean, sure, nearly 80% of people in Ireland identify as Catholic, but only 30% of those Catholics attend church regularly, and 53% of Irish people say religion doesn't play an important role in their lives. So when it comes to checking boxes, sure, it's majority Catholic, but luckily for Irish women, when it comes to having morals, it's predominantly secular. Of course, not all Irish people are happy about the change, which is why we're joined by our good friend, Irish Abortion Clinic Lady. Irish Abortion Clinic Lady, how is this impacting you? Oh, it is a sad day, Noah. A sad day indeed.

Yeah, I can understand how you'd feel that way, but you have to admit it's a huge step forward for women's rights. Indeed it is. Oh, but what about my rights? I see you brought your ghost puppet. Oh, I'm just the ghost of a wee tiny baby who was aborted by me, mummy. Oh, why, mummy? Why did you abort me?

I was going to cure cancer. Oh, really? Which kind of cancer? Base. Base cancer. You were going to cure. Yep. But alas, I was aborted, so I shall never be.

That's a real pity. Irish Abortion Clinic lady, thanks for joining us. Oh, thank you, Naomi. May the Lord Jesus look on you with mercy and his bloody vengeance. I'm sure he will. And in... I love her. I love her so much. And in Meanwhile's news tonight, Christian broadcaster and Evil Universe Martin Sheen impersonator Rick Wiles

took to his show, True News, this week, despite its title being neither of those words, to give us an answer to gun control. Gentlemen, any guesses? Oh, too many roads? We need schools with no roads that go there? Oh, there you go. Gay Disney princesses.

That's a social ill panacea for this guy. They're a big problem. Great ideas, great ideas. No, according to Wiles, quote, we don't need gun control. We need demon control. What? That's what we need need demon control. What? That's what we need.

Demon control. What? And only the church can control demons through the name of Jesus Christ, through the blood of Jesus Christ, through the word of God, end quote. What? So he wants the church, because they can control this, he wants the church to assign a safety demon to every teacher? The only way to stop a bad demon is a good guy with a demon.

Room full of demons. Or anti-psychotics. One or the other of those things will solve the problem. Right. Now, obviously, this is fucking stupid, but it does make you wonder how the NDA, the National Demon Association, will respond. Will respond.

Will respond. Balthazar the Evil. Balthazar, any response to the accusation that we need demon control to stop school shootings? Well, this is just patently ridiculous. What we need is better mental health care and more doors. Where were the demonically possessed fellow students

who could move stuff with their mind to stop the student? Where was the projectile vomit that could have ended this situation? The answer is not to restrict the rights of demons and the possessed, but to make sure the right people are possessed at the right times.

Thank you. Thank you. Yes, one more question. Is it true that you'll be appointing Oliver North to head the National Demon Association? No. No, that guy is way too evil. And lest I force you to suffer through a defeated

side that's probably going to last upwards of 90 seconds, we're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week, ZipRecruiter. Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm Entertainment? Well, I've never looked at a woman with lust. Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm Entertainment? Well, I've never looked at a woman with lust. Okay, that's

not really relevant. Sure it is, because Jesus says that when you look at a woman with lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery with her in your heart. Yeah, I know. In your heart? Yeah, but that's not relevant to this job. Means they'll live forever. No, it doesn't. God, why is's not relevant to this job. Means I'll live forever.

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Smartest way to hire. Okay, now leave. Now. And we're back. Next up in headlines. In Spare the Rodney, spoil the child news. It looks like Christian preacher Rodney Howard Brown got super jealous after hearing us give all that attention to Pastor Matt Powell recently.

In case you missed it, Powell's the 22-year-old rookie prospect who we covered two weeks in a row when he claimed the sun helped the Jews bury all those fossils and then went on to prove the Gospels are all true because when four strangers masturbate in your house they don't lie about it our job offers a weird window on the world new listeners you get used to it you get used to it yeah it's a weird two weeks well grizzled veteran rodney howard brown didn't like being shown up by some little freshman so he threw a series of tantrums until he got some attention one meltdown was about people making fun of his holy laughter

revivals that he holds and another was about how members of u.s congress are drinking human blood and fucking little kids i get it i get it my turnoffs are when people cut in line and the rwandan genocide so uh just a quick background on rodney howard brown first of all he comes from parents who don't love each other and gave him a hyphenated last name like monsters and you might remember him as the pentecostal preacher who got invited to the white house last year yep where he laid hands on donald trump in order to prevent an imminent attack on the president at which point the secret service was like okay well now you have to stay here and tell us exactly what you know about an imminent attack are you lying we're

gonna count to three one two and right after two and a half pastor rodney was like i make up lies for money please i lie my money is all from lying please don't tell me uh slightly off topic but is there anyone who's had a harder downturn in their job over the last two years than the Secret Service? Right. These guys went from, oh, thanks for the recommendation. I'll check that book out, too. Sir, you have leftover fish sandwich on your face. Oh, well, I mean, they spent the entire Obama administration literally buried in hookers and cocaine. So, yeah, it was only going to go

downhill for him. Yeah. So that guy is a pioneer of something called the holy laughter movement. And he puts on revival meetings where congregants have laughing fits from all the God floating around. And by that, I mean, he very clearly sets up audience plants who go into fits of horribly fake laughter like you gotta watch the video if you get a chance it's the best worst just like oh my god i'm having a vaginal orgasm sorry godly laughing and then his weird like he has like a pit crew that just like runs over to the fake laughers and they do a little mime skit and then they they bring them up front and they get blessed it's so fucking stupid i'm just saying these motherfuckers got nothing on tom and cecil okay amateurs but neither of them laughed at that they don't listen so there you go i'm right

yes apparently those laughter revivals became the object of ridicule somehow. Can't imagine how. And Pastor Rodney freaked out and announced that we're all going to hell for laughing at the laughing. Speaking of which, Satanists at Bohemian Grove are having sex with each other, then fucking little kids, drinking their blood and becoming members of Congress. That was the other thing on his to-do list for this month, announcing the gay pedophile vampires in Congress thing. Yeah. And now at the top of our to-do list,

attending one of this guy's laughter revivals. We have got to go. Or we go laugh at a child sacrifice, ruin it for everybody. There you go. We've got a lot of inappropriate laughter that ruins it for everybody at Christian movies practice. We're pretty good at that.

And in March for true Scotsman news tonight, thousands of Christians marched on the White House this week as part of the Reclaim Jesus movement, which is weird. I didn't even know

he'd been captured. It's like a whole. Just God about to get on the phone with Trump practicing his Mel Gibson voice. Give me back my son. No, too much. Give me back my son. Please.

Should I say please? Yeah. So the march led by Bishop Michael Curry of the Episcopal Church was meant as a rejection of Trump's policies and behavior by progressive Christians with support for the LGBTQ community and even a condemnation of sexual harassment in their message. Cool, cool, cool. So did they renounce the Bible? Yeah, right. It seems like they would renounce the Bible.

Yeah, the great march of, but some of us aren't assholes. Yeah, exactly. So look, I wanted to report on this story for a couple of reasons. I know most of the time we dedicate this show to religious assholes like Josh Furstein, who we can all agree are dicks with a capital D.

However, I bring up this march especially because I've noticed a worrying trend among atheists and I'll venture among our listeners who tend to be liberals, especially to make the mistake of saying these are the good ones and forgetting just how dangerous progressive cover for regressive ideas are right yeah and if we haven't made it clear where we stand on this see all the odd numbered diatribes exactly and look i've spoken elsewhere about this and noah said he's diatribe multiple times about the idea that like the christian who's doing what the bible says is in fact just as much christian as your grew the aunt kathy who's never what the Bible says is, in fact, just as much Christian as your groovy Aunt Kathy,

who's never read the Bible, but is pretty sure Jesus had a gay best friend. I want to point out how dangerous marches like the Reclaim Jesus one are. I mean, they lend a face of liberalism to inherently illiberal ideas. They allow archaic institutions to seem modern. But more importantly, they are almost always funneling money back to these so-called bad guys that they pretend to be different than right yeah and this isn't even progressive it's just a little chunk of like basic common decency among people who probably still donate money that ends up paying to like silence rape victims and heal gay people and campaign for people like donald

trump fucking idiots oh well right what do you think's happening and look i mean less aggressive cancer is better but that's not an argument against chemo right i don't want to hear i'd rather work with skin cancer than have pancreatic cancer right and just to prove my point i went on the website for this thing the march to reclaim jesus and i read their statement and nonsensical almost comically dishonest representation of the words of jesus aside the third name down on the list of their speakers is a member of the motherfucking national baptist convention yep and, maybe that dude loves everyone and remembers the part of the Bible where Jesus asks for preferred pronouns.

But nobody whose collection plate is going towards one of the single largest financial forces against gay marriage and trans rights is what we would call progressive. Yeah. Look, I mean, everyone looks progressive compared to Pat Robertson, folks. That's not a good thing about them. It's a bad compared to Pat Robertson, folks. That's not a good thing about them. It's a bad thing about Pat Robertson. Right. Because if you're looking for the name of the group that doesn't give a shit about what the Bible says and stands for equality and liberalism, numerically, statistically and inherently, the word you're looking for is atheist.

Thank you. The word you're looking for is atheist. Thank you. And finally tonight, Alex Jones woke up and jammed his face into another salad bowl of meth and protein powder last Thursday, like he usually does, and fired up a new episode of InfoWars, during which he continued with his job of picking random stuff and proclaiming it to be a secret haven of sodomy. Past examples include when he accused Hillary Clinton of being a demon who molests little kids in a hidden underground labyrinth of fuck dungeons below a pizza place. Yep.

Still no proof on that one way or the other. We're not sure. And also that time he claimed the LGBT community is causing people to put their dicks in the tailpipes of cars. Yep. Okay, so let's play the game. It's time for Where's That Butt Sex? Lightning round. Go. Where's that butt sex? Oh, between the pages of

all the library books that start with J. Hidden in the Hewlett Packard logo, if you think about it. That's true. I know where it is. In the microverse created by George Sordos at the center of the hollow earth. Oh, the bottom of Alex Jones' meth walk. Yeah, definitely. Good ideas, but not the one I was thinking of.

This time, in a rare twist, he actually might have landed on a real one. The Boy Scouts. According to Alex Jones, the Scouts, they used to be a good christian organization but now they're a den of pedophile sodomy which i mean that does sound pretty accurate but regardless that's not related to the fact that condoms are available at the world scout jamboree which is the reason he gave for his lunatic rant about the boy scouts being a pedophile then uh here's the quote the boy scouts of america is a pedophile induction center just like the vatican and it's crafty how he sprinkles in a little truth there right he views you he also added handing condoms

to 11 year olds is pedophilia so um it is if you're about to fuck him, Alex Jones. But, I mean, it doesn't really matter what you hand him at that point. That's not really the, I feel like he's focused on the wrong thing. There are ways that you could give an 11-year-old a condom that is pedophilia, but I feel like if that's where Alex Jones'

mind went, it's more on him than the scouts. And I will list them now. Alright, so the first way. No, it's more on him than the scouts and i will list them now all right so the first way no it's all edited anyway edited anyways by the way i thought he was joking and i want to point out they actually do hand out condoms at the world scout jamboree i i don't want to agree with ellis jones here but i'm weirded out right i'm weirded out by that okay guys knots and ropes and condoms go nuts no no i don, no. I don't like it. I don't like it.

Well, I mean, they go up to 18, like 21 with the venture. I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, they're giving out condoms. Anyway, to close it out, as if just for us, Jones made the natural segue from pedophiles fucking 11 year olds to 5G wireless signals giving us all cancer. Yeah, what? Just for the record 5g means fifth generation but apparently alex jones thinks there's going to be like a 25 increase in the number of g's and our bodies won't be able to handle the big jump to that fifth g just flying

around all fast and invisible speaking of which, Alex, if you're listening, when you hand a 5G smartphone to an 11-year-old and they get cancer, and then you fuck that 11-year-old, that is pedophilia. Just FYI in case you were confused about how it works. Okay, what if the 5G smartphone is a bribe?

And a moment too late as always, we're going to close the headlines off for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, Andrew're going to close the headlines off for the night heath eli thanks as always eli's the friend and when we come back andrew's gonna be all kinds of hey eli i'm spelling that wrong but but what are you doing with that box? Oh, hey, Heath, just moving into my new home. Oh, wow. You and Anna found a place in Hawaii? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Eli, no, no, no. You can't live in a box in our living room. Nope. I know that.

That's why I'm going to mail myself from place to place with stamps.com. You're going to mail yourself from place to place? Yeah, and stamps.com makes it easy. With stamps.com, you can access all the amazing services of the post office right from your desk 24-7 when it's convenient for you. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package using your own computer and printer. So if I'm off to Alaska, it's just a few clicks and Stamps.com finds exactly the postage I need.

No, no, no, Eli. I know Stamps.com is great. We use Stamps.com to send our Patreon rewards, to sell things on eBay, even just to mail letters and send gifts. But I don't think you can use it to ship yourself around the world because you can't find a house. That's not.

Maybe for some people, Heath. But right now I can use scathing for a special offer that includes $55 of free postage, a digital scale and a four week trial. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in scathing. That's stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in scathing. That's stamps.com.

Enter scathing. No, I mean, there's no kitchen or bathroom in the box. And then you're going to have to. I beg to differ. Eli. There are a box full of poop in my living room right now. No. Lying. poop in my living room right now no you're lying

years ago a monthly movie review segment on this show spun off as its own podcast god awful movies but if we've learned anything since then it's that christians suck at everything not just movies so we're happy to present another edition of god awful music music music and joining heath eli and myself for this foray into christian harmonics is our resident expert in outdated Christian tunes. Seth Andrews is the host of the Thinking Atheist podcast and the author of Deconverted, A Journey from Religion to Reason, and Sacred Cows, a lighthearted look at belief and tradition around the world. But before all that, he was a Christian radio personality and a Christian rock enthusiast. Seth, welcome back to the show. Yeah, man, we were rocking for Jesus.

We were rocking for the rock. We were rocking for the king man i was a guy with the posters in his bedroom and i don't know how many cassettes i had lining the wall and you know i had the sock tie and the and the uh and the white jacket and the i was so good i was like if vh1 threw up all over you that's what i looked yeah i don't know what you guys were doing but it weren't rocking so vh1 ate too much cotton candy at a youth retreat all right so heath tell us what will we be breaking down today? Okay. We watched the music video for 666 by DeGarmo and Key. And it's the story of how Satan is corrupting the world 160 kilobytes at a time.

And Eli, how bad was this video? Well, if you love being Rickrolled, but you always thought if only that guy was allowed to keep talking, I bet he has a mental illness. You will love this music video. All right. Now, Seth, you actually recommended this one to us. Thank you for that. Well, let's qualify recommended. Yeah, no, we asked.

You were aware of this and its existence, and you told us of it. It's like the elephant's foot in Chernobyl. Like, you know, you warned us. We were digging. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, this is the musical elephant's foot at Chernobyl. So now when you mentioned this to me at first, you said this was originally banned from the airwaves for being too bad?

I mean, if it was too bad, that would make sense. There was a lot of controversy about it. First of all, for those who aren't familiar with the band, it was a couple of guys, Ed DeGarmo and Dana Key. DeGarmo and Key. Dana Key played guitar ed de garmo played the keyboard and keytar which in the 80s was was the keyboardist attempt to try to get chicks right the entire of the drummers and guitar players getting all the women and so someone invented the keytar so they could do keyboard solos on stage female listeners google keytar

right now but i'll warn you you're about to get wet like don't do it at work when too i don't know if that's a wet thing but you're gonna get these guys were uh you know their music was very much 80s you know they had that sort of analog synth backdrop. And this album, the Communication album, was very much that way. This was in the middle of the 80s. I think the album released in 84. And MTV was relatively new. And so everybody in Christian circles was desperate to get what we called crossover airplay,

which means, man, I wish a pop rock station would play this song and get us out of the bubble that we were in. I wish MTV would play our video. And that became the holy grail for Christian music. And so this was DeGarmo and Key's attempt to get mainstream airplay. And to a degree, it worked. I believe it's the first quote unquote Christian song that ever aired on mtv and uh there's a segment and we'll get to it but there's a segment of the video called which it integrated what they called a full body burn it was the antichrist and we'll get into what it exactly was but it was considered offensive and you know you got to remember the hearings were going on in front

of the senate and everybody was talking about the censorship of labeling of rock music, pop music, the damaging to a generation. So that was the culture. And so they were like, oh, God, it's violent content. And I think somebody at MTV actually thought it was an anti. They didn't know DeGarmon Key. So they thought it was an anti-Christianity video. So they banned it. And so DeGarmon Key's producers and record company had to go back and reproduce the video, change a scene, tap everybody at MTV on the shoulder and say, we actually believe in Jesus.

And then they put the video back on the air. So someone at MTV was like, all right, this rock and roll thing is going to. No, no, we're part of the problem. Oh, OK. Part of the problem. Oh, okay, you're part of the problem. Yeah, we'll throw you at this. We honestly, we haven't seen this imagery used non-ironically in like 20 years.

That's on me. That's on me. Still Christian. Fuck. Look at you. So, alright, so before we get into the video proper, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst accidental allusion to pedophilia. Accidental?

Yeah, I'm not going to spoil it. We'll get there. But the very end of this thing, they managed to do that somehow. And they also managed to miss one of the actors being visibly disgusted, as one should be, by an allusion to pedophilia in a music video it's baffling i don't know how they missed it eli any best worsts i'm gonna go with best worst recruiting method uh again i don't want to spoil anything but who knew those 100 free hours of aol were from the devil i had a few i had uh best worst nighttime sunglasses they all everybody walked around in that video like those uh the cops in that uh old arcade game time crisis remember you know they pop up and they had the sunglasses on uh i've got in regard

to dana key as lead singer i've got, in regard to Dana Key as lead singer, I've got best worst impression of the Amish kid in the movie Witness, because he had the bowl haircut. And regarding the main character, best worst attempt to reproduce a Christian version of Kevin Bacon. Yes!

Right? Footloose released the very same freaking year. Now, Christianity loves to find what's popular and they try to make their own sort of vanilla version of it. And I looked at this guy and I'm like, this is what would happen if Madame Tussauds Wax Museum attempted Kevin Bacon and then they had a problem with the thermostat. It's Kevin Turkey Bacon. Yeah. drifted it's kevin turkey bacon yeah and oh okay i've got to say everything in this video is so incredibly of its time right like literally the video starts off with a floppy disk on a picture tube with a font that

we retired in 1989 followed by a newton's cradle a pat and then the synth kicks in five and a quarter floppy floppy floppy disc it's so much nostalgia i just want to make america great again it's the best now guys maybe you can explain this someone printed out the save icon as a coaster is that what that Can you explain what that is? I was born in 1987, so just keep in mind how old I was. In its defense, though, in this video, that is still the most useful of five

and a quarter floppy disk has ever been since it was invented. I just want you to know that. Yeah, apparently it holds an entire music video on it. Yeah, right. That's not... The number 666 is just about all that fits on that floppy disk. You're not getting a music video on that thing. Yeah, no kidding.

Okay, so the video starts out with this kid at his desk and he's got this floppy disk with 666 written on it. And I guess the video is supposed to be the game that's contained within the disc, which is the music video, right? Right, but they blow that right away. It says, Loading Video Game Program. And I wanted the computer to be like, which is the game? Not like a driver for the game.

You know what? Never mind. It's just video. Stupid. Stupid. All right, so we get that awesome 80s synth intro and then the lyrics begin. He says, I was feeling kind of restless, so I went out for a walk.

Yeah. And he went out for a walk in the dry ice district of his town, apparently. One of those steam-powered sidewalks he was on. Right. Right. Yeah. It's a combination of hookers and stunt doubles for miami vice on this street that's who lives on this street once again we see christian media in this extremely

clumsy position of trying to communicate these are hookers without making them look walk or talk in any way like hookers right yeah matthew 520 but i tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in their heart so they they don't want to be behind that so what they do is they say all right let's make her look like a hooker what do they do they remove the woman's sleeves she's like actually giving people directions with a map show her arms that ought to do it yeah that's an awful lot of shoulder guys a lot of shoulder here so and then the lyrics take a weird turn okay so so far we've got this guy went out for a walk and he talked to agent smith for a while and then the lyrics say said I've been waiting for this moment all my life

and I'm like damn you should have dreamed bigger DeGarmo or Key question so you go for a walk and you run into agent Smith and you just talk for hours with him yeah whatever happens at this point I feel like it's your fault like you're not being responsible. We're like a virus, you say. I get it. I get it. Now, at this point in the video, we get skulls and all the members of the band looking bored and slightly to the left. These guys are hardcore is what we're trying to say here. My favorite part of that scene is when the camera pans up above the door and you see the number 666. And it becomes clear.

of the door and you see the number 666 and it becomes clear the producers drove to Home Depot and they bought three sixes in the hardware department for about ten bucks. We're putting them everywhere, guys. Everywhere. I feel like they bought nines

just to be safe. They don't want to get in trouble. And they hired some atheist to do it. I'm not going to touch them while you flip though. You just tell me when you're done. We'll figure it out. Also, can we point out, this is where we're in Satan's evil lair. And Satan's evil lair is a PTA meeting with four people sitting around with Ash Wednesday sixes on their foreheads.

They're like, this is weird. That look they had is exactly how i listened to god awful movies i just want stony fearful silence and well and you know it's gonna get rough now because apparently they're gonna have a white wine spritzer right this is where the alcohol gets involved you know we're sinning now oh so good so okay so yeah now he's in the devil's storefront or whatever and the lyrics continue he said things will get much better and the night is new age eve not a thing what the hell are you okay i can even change the weather i can do things you won't believe like of all the satan powers that's the one you're gonna highlight

also thunder thunder were you looking to have a picnic later cause uh one soul later and it's sunshine better bring your umbrella because I'm Satan and then we see this woman

oh my god this like the hole in the ozone layer just follows this chick around. Right? She's got the 8-foot 80s hair. Just amazing. Okay. Just a quick question. I'm confused.

So Satan, the Prince of Darkness, runs a small retail location to get people that's his thing sells wooden boxes and a revolver it's very I really just wanted to see him going around with a realtor finding this place just say it and be like no I'm not looking for

like a big space just you know something do you need a lot of foot traffic no I don't need like it's really just this one guy that I need to i'm gonna hack into his apple 2e and i'm gonna start mining bitcoin with all that computing power i just need to sell one guy a disc so yeah so this is where he gets the disc right this is where he does his little handprint thing and the box opens and it's got the the 666 floppy disk in there okay note on this idea of a handprint thing what what happens is the minnesota seven comes over and she puts his hand on the table which someone to do with this music video was pretty sure they were going to do some special effects for at some point

but he's just got his hand on the table for a second and then he sort of awkwardly takes his hand away after nothing happened lasers i'm just gonna say we found this rv side mirror just put your hand this is how pathetic my life has become at my age i'm actually actually watching and going, oh, you know, that's really smart. He put the disc in a hard case to protect it from heat and moisture. They were pretty damn floppy back then. He goes, when I asked him to explain, he just smiled and told me 666. That's the lyrics there.

And I'm just like, explain what? Yeah, and just one more time. So he's in a retail store owned by Satan that seems to offer designer floppy disks and fancy antique gun boxes. Also, undead prostitutes and the occasional wine tasting. That's where we are. I mean, I'm back on board, actually. I would go to this store. If I'm being honest, I would go there. This is basically our trip to Australia.

There are a lot of undead prostitutes down under is what we're saying. How do you order that? Like I walk in the store and say, look, I'd like a hooker, but I'd like her to look just like the girlfriend from The Last Starfighter. I'll tell you exactly how to order that stuff. I'll tell you. I got a guy. We'll go over it when we get that stuff. I got a guy. Don't worry.

Wink. All right. So the song carries on. I said, Jesus, won't you save me from this evil man of sin? I've read about his future. I don't want to go with him. I don't want to seems like an understatement for going to hell. Like, I feel like you could be a little more enthusiastic.

Also, now this is where he goes goes to run or agent smith bursts into flames is this the full body burn moment so he's he's the antichrist and he goes into a full he's actually it's like hell on earth he epitomizes the satan of hell or the antichrist who's satan's agent from hell and this was you know of all the things to get weird about that this is apparently the scene which caused him to go back and do a re-edit. And the re-edit has him lift up a snow globe. And inside the snow globe, there's like, I think a skull that flashes in there,

you know, the skulls they were using through the previous parts. And then there's like, you see the mushroom cloud of a nuke and little, these little like defender video game lasers come out of his eyes toward the snow globe it's not an improvement that's all that sounds like an improvement i've got to be honest you're selling it wrong if that wasn't an improvement okay to be fair i'm pretty sure the actor playing the antichrist actually lit himself on fire like

that guy is dead that's why they cut it because they were like don't worry steve it's gonna be fine seth said he'd done pyrotechnics a whole twice seth was just like oh i'm an atheist now nope nope i'm here i don't know who you're talking about my name's seth so okay but that's the thing they had to censor not like again there's a pedophilia reference later this is what that is telling i know welcome to my welcome to the welcome to the satanic panic of the midday yeah no kidding all right so now this is where our hero in the video has to affect his escape where he throws the stool through the window oh my gosh he throws a comically tiny stool he He throws a figurine from like Dungeons and Dragons stool out a window.

And you could see everyone in the video be like, I mean, are you going to climb through that hole? I feel like you're going to hurt yourself. Your arm won't even fit. Ripped the stool out from in front of an Easy-Bake oven, which was just how small it was. easy bake oven which was so and then he runs outside after escaping with his his stool throw and these two sunglass cops grab him this is where he kicks over the the trash fire apparently there were some hobos back there a moment earlier that got called away. So he kicks over the trash fire and then a bowling ball rolls out of it? Okay, I have no fucking idea what this was. Seth, is this a Christian thing?

There's a bowling ball in every fire? Is that what you all believe? I'm as lost as you are. I was just stuck on the symbolism of trash fire inside the video. I thought this is the only symbolism this video really needs. Yeah. And I love the fact that they fucked up the continuity of a garbage can fire over the course of 10 seconds. It's burning and then it's out and then it's burning again across three cuts, like 10. Like they didn't have the budget to keep that garbage can fire going the whole time.

I'm just saying like homeless people work that into their budget. So, all right. Then we. OK, so this is, I guess, where we move on to sort of the second phase of this story because this is where we get the guy waking up. The lyrics come in and says, when morning came, I laughed at what I thought was just a dream. And I went to call my neighbor and tell him all I'd seen. And he was going to tell his neighbor about his dream, asshole.

But when I reached for my address book. What the fuck is an address book? I address i'm sorry wait you have your neighbor's address in your address book it's your address plus two what the hell are you what do you need this for hey what's your address all the people you don't call your best friend girlfriend parent sibling the police no you, you call Wilson from Home Improvement to give him the critical information that these are the last days. I mean, that's perfectly sensible to me. Well, to try anyway. See, when he reached for his address book, he felt sick.

Ooh, sick. Because written across the page, every number there was six six six and we see this he opens his little address book and it's got six six six for all the phone numbers i want to be at the planning meeting where satan this is his place like and you know what let's get in there and fuck up his address book too he'll have to ask everybody which number they had. It'll be like when you lose your iPhone. It's going to be a good time. What if we also have his printer print out a page entirely of sixes?

Yeah, right. I feel like, I mean, it's a dot matrix. It's slow. He'll have to just wait while that happens. And that ribbon is spence. Maybe that form feed will mess up and jam. We'll have to refeed all those spokes through the little side holes. There'll be a break

in the page and you just can't get it lined back up. World. Alright, and then this is where I guess the main character, the Christian Kevin Turkey Bacon gets sick of all this. So he throws the disc out of the window

the the floppy disk because now it's gone yeah it's out of the world now a child is about to pick this up and lead himself into temptation and the protagonist seems totally unbothered about the fact that he damns a child because he couldn't like go over to his trash can yeah he's like yeah good luck with that weird undead prostitute i guess you're you're 10 actually picked up the disc and said oh look it's leather goddesses of phobos and so what a great game for those who are not children of the 80s, never mind. I'm sorry. That's a very obscure reference. Very obscure. Leather Goddesses of Phobos. Leather Goddesses of Phobos was a text-based video game that came out in the mid-80s.

It was like this. It was this thing. So when I see a five and a quarter, not that I ever played. It's just what I heard. Honey, if you're listening, I was actually stopping people from playing Leather. That's why I have all those copies and those posters. I'm keeping them. The other goddesses of Phobos

actually opened for DC Talk and DeGarmo and Key on the Christian music circuit back in the day. Oh. Alright, now I have to be honest because like I said, as I'm watching through this video, of course I'm nostalgic about the clothes, the hair, the data storage units, etc.

But I wasn't nostalgic about the music. So, Seth, be honest. Did you find yourself singing along? I had the album i i i i went to the i drove to to this i went to this i gave them my money i bought i owned i'm so sorry i bought i i was a fan i went to their concerts oh wow i was i was and i played some keys right i played keyboards so that keytar fantasy at one point was my own. I had, you know, the parachute pants and the sock tie and all that crazy stuff. I had the mullet.

I didn't do the perm, but I mean, I was very much that guy, you know? But yeah, it's weird when you're a fan of Christian music, there's a part of you under the surface that knows it's shit, that i it's weird when you're a fan of christian music there's a part of you under the surface that knows it's shit that knows it's terrible but you desperately so desperately wanted to succeed that it's like you know you have a child and and you're like oh you're so wonderful and talented and what a great kid you are and you're not looking objectively you're looking at it through the eyes of you know bias, bias. That's exactly what we did with Christian music. But no, I had the cassette and listened to it all the time.

Sorry. I was there. You guys camped outside of Tower Records for the album release party. I'm sorry. I've been researching Leather Goddesses of Phobos. It came with 3D glasses. No, no, no, no, no. It came.

It's a text-based game, I think. But the box came with 3D glasses. Yeah, no, there was a 3D picture on the box. Just for the box? Yes, just for the box. It's a text-based game.

On the box it says, with alluring 3D and sensational scratch and snip. You should be in jail, Seth. You should be in jail. Wait, scratch and sniff? That's what it says right on the cover of the book. Scratch and sniff. Okay, question.

Seth, what does a leather goddess of Fobo smell like? I have no recollection, Senator. Senator? All right. Well, before we get you in any more trouble, we're going to let you go. But, Seth, thanks again. Here's hoping we can get you back on to relive some more traumatic childhood memories sometime. Thanks for letting me play along.

Big fun. Before we snuff out the embers tonight, I want to remind you to pick up your tickets to Citation Needed live in Chicago on August 11th. There'll be a link on the show notes. Platinum Night tickets are selling out fast, and we're kind of heartbroken that you didn't show up at our last live show.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern time on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously this wouldn't be a real show if i neglect to thank heath enright for putting up with my increasingly desperate lucinda list 3 a.m

musings about whatever happened to rick moranis i need to thank eli bosding for all the times he let me smell his finger i need to thank your old pal dan on twitter for providing this week's farnsworth quote he's right by the way it really is that easy and i'm starting to run low on farnsworth quote so now would be a great time to send a few in. Check the contact page on the website for more details. Also, a lot of you wrote in to ask about Lucinda's dad. Thanks for that. He's doing a lot better. He's up and he's moving around now. Hopefully that means Lucinda will be back soon, but she promises to catch you up on all the misogyny you missed while she was gone. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most brilliant pipeds, Lars, Angelo,

Andrew, Ragnarok7x7, Backerkit, Raul, and Atropos Switch. Lars, Angelo, and Andrew, whose dicks are so intimidating, Battletoads brag about beating them, and Ragnarok 7x7, Backerkit, and Atropos Switch, who are so sexy that if I hadn't used nicknames, you'd have come, and that would have been messy and or dangerous. I don't know if you're driving. Together, these six savory secularists subsidize our struggle to subdue the serpentine side effects of the sanctimonious, splenetic sniveling from the sinister stooges of superstition this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money,

but if you do, we could use it. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a giving-us-money kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, liking us on Facebook, and subscribing

to us on YouTube. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. That's why I'm going to ship myself from... That's why I'm going to ship myself from place to place with Stamps.com. You're going to ship yourself? Mail. Let's say the going to ship yourself? Mail. Let's say the word mail.

Mail is better. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.