The Scathing Atheist - 278: Bigotry on Parade Edition

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

In this week’s episode, Christian hardware store owners are pretty sure America just got great again, Coach Dave finds a gay Muslim fetus on the playground and pulls its hair, and the Bible will be here to begat ‘er done! To see us live in Chicago, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-chicago-tickets-45942658729 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out the Conversations With God Podcast here: https://www.conversationswithgodpodcast.com/ https://twitter.com/convowithgodpod https://www.instagram.com/convowithgodpod/ Headlines: Diatribe Links: Article: https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2018/05/american-atheists-religious-european-christians/560936/ Study: http://www.pewforum.org/2018/05/29/being-christian-in-western-europe/ Tennessee Hardware Store Owner Puts Up “No Gays Allowed” Sign: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/08/tennessee-hardware-store-owner-puts-up-no-gays-allowed-sign-again/ Christian Teacher Quits Because He Refuses to Call Trans Students By Their Names http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/08/teacher-resigns-because-he-cant-handle-schools-transgender-name-policy/ Christian Parents Who Used Jesus As Their Lawyer Lose Baby Custody Trial http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/06/christian-parents-who-used-jesus-as-their-lawyer-lose-baby-custody-trial/ Christians Are Mad Because This Giant Marilyn Monroe Statue Is Mooning a Church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/09/christians-are-mad-because-this-giant-marilyn-monroe-statue-is-mooning-a-church/ Mike Pence to address Southern Baptist convention: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/06/12/southern-baptist-convention-meets-amid-turmoil-over-gender/ CrossFit Fired Its Spokesman—a Christian Pastor—For Saying LGBT Pride is a “Sin” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/07/crossfit-fired-its-spokesman-a-christian-pastor-for-saying-lgbt-pride-is-a-sin/ Mark Taylor: Hurricanes will be created to suppress pro-Trump vote: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/mark-taylor-hurricanes-will-be-created-to-suppress-pro-trump-voter-turnout/ Coach Dave organizing bigots for big protest of Islam, abortion, and gay pride: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/06/11/christian-activist-will-shame-gays-women-and-muslims-into-accepting-jesus/

Warning, the following podcast contains more foul language than an issue of Chicken Magazine. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron and by Trump Tower Pyongyang. Coming soon. Almost certainly. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Tony from the Conversations with God podcast, the fortnightly podcast where I chat with the creator of the universe.

God, are you there, mate? Yes, Tony. May I ask you a quick question? Yes, of course, Tony. Thank you. We just want to know, how did human beings come to be as a species, perfect Lord? Well, Tony, I made man out of some dust from the ground

and I made woman out of one of Eve the ground and i made a woman out of one of eve's ribs does that make sense tony i'm not sure god i think everyone knows that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men It's Thursday. It's June 14th. And it's National Bourbon Day. Getting ready for the last 20 years. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. From New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Christian hardware store owners are pretty sure America just got great again. Coach Dave finds a gay Muslim fetus on the playground

and pulls its hair. And the Bible will be here to be gator-ed. But first, the diatribe. Okay. So when the headline is atheists are sometimes more religious than Christians, you immediately have to ask yourself which word they're redefining to get there. Now me, my money was on religious, but no, it turns out it was atheists and Christians to a lesser extent, and also more an R if we're being totally honest about things. So, okay, let's start

with the study that this dumbass Atlantic headline sprung from. It comes from a Pew survey of religiosity in Western Europe that showed that not only is the rate of people identifying as Christians declining there, but the actual Christianianness of the ones that do identify that way is also declining right so fewer and fewer christians in western europe go to church regularly a smaller percentage get baptized smaller percentage seems certain that their religion is real or that their god exists so the actual takeaway from the results are that being christian just doesn't mean the same thing in western europe as it does in america you know what we think of as average christian they think of as raging zealot. Not to imply that those two things are mutually exclusive, but that's the takeaway.

And to their credit, that's precisely what the headline on Pew's website focused on. But rather than focus on the real conclusions, The Atlantic chose a headline where even the forms of to be were suspect and said that atheists are sometimes more religious than Christians. And how they got there is at least as stupid as you're guessing it'll be. So in the most recent American religious landscape study that Pew did, 22.8% of Americans fell into the unaffiliated category. 3.1% identified as atheists. That's us.

4% as agnostic. And 15.8% as nothing in particular. And from time to time, that collective unaffiliated group is referred to as nuns. Now, obviously, we've talked about this group a lot in the past. A lot of overzealous atheists see these numbers and think, holy shit, almost a quarter of Americans don't believe in God. But of course, that's not what this survey asks. Pew does do a survey where they ask that. And when you ask Americans if they believe in God, 89% say yes with varying degrees of certainty. So when you compare those two data sets, you'll see that at least half of the so-called nuns do believe in God. In fact, 27% of them

are absolutely certain God exists. And that's the number the Atlantic writer seized on. Because among European Christians, only 23% are absolutely certain that God exists. Ergo, American atheists are more religious than European Christians. Now, to be clear, I know that you don't need me to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. The number of American atheists who are absolutely certain that God exists is zero. Same goes for the agnostics. By fucking definition. It's not until you clump atheists in with another group and then ignore that grouping when you're drawing your conclusions that you can possibly justify a statement as stupid as this fucking headline.

If your data set is men married zero to five years, you can't use those numbers to say that a high percentage of bachelors are married. But that's what the atlantic seems to think and by the way this is not a case of a headline writer fucking the journalist with some clickbait the opening line of the article is quote americans are deeply religious people and atheists are no exception end quote a statement more unforgivably stupid than the fucking headline now eventually it carries on to disavow all the bullshit it started with and ultimately the clickbaity nonsense gives way to a humdrum article making the same basic point I just made about how our language needs to catch up with the way that people think about religion today.

But with all the damage it does in the opening, it comes across as the journalistic equivalent of ramming a truck into your house to straighten a picture frame. But far more interesting than the how they got there is the why they got there. The how is just a writer sticking his round dick into a square hole until he makes the word count. But what purpose does this self-contradicting assertion serve? What narrative is it trying to promote? Well, it's in The Atlantic, so there's your first clue right there. I mean, don't get me wrong, they do some good journalism here and there, but if the subject of atheism ever comes up,

it's guaranteed to be followed by some kumbay guns be bygones bullshit about how gosh darn it religion still has a role to play in the world despite being demonstrably incorrect and socially detrimental it'll be some you know former atheist that used to be the head atheist and gods aren't us and he's talking about how he gave up on atheism and started believing in jesus because we were too mean it'll be some story about how some atheists went too far this time when they used the term barbaric to describe a barbaric attack by Islamic militants. Or, more often than all of that put together, it'll be a story about how atheists are just as blank as Christians.

And, of course, ultimately this one is no different. You know, while it eventually negates the point, the assertion at the heart of it is that atheists are prone to the same sorts of irrationality as religious people. It's yet another desperate attempt to pretend that getting an answer correct isn't better than getting it incorrect, complete with the typical dubious math they always use to get there. And look, I know you can't just put out a headline that says Europeans still way less Christian than Americans. Nobody's going to click on that. But it's not like there aren't some newsworthy takeaways from the data that they're presenting here. Like, here's one. How about the american christianity is so shamefully unethical

and disgusting that they can't even win the allegiance of some 19 or 20 million people in this country that already believe their most outlandish claim with absolute certainty they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the heath and eli of this podcast heath and right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to react to my introduction i'm eli my google alert for nazis talking on the internet forced me to talk with the nazi on the internet my life is so hard i want to fuck a child all right guys heath is just mad at me because i tried to get his childhood heroes to say mean things to him on camera this i'd really like if he wouldn't do that i'd really like if you did it with a little more success in our lead

story tonight the tenuous threat of illogic christians used to pretend that their opposition to gay rights is prompted by something other than their bigotry proved itself too complicated for him to follow last week when Tennessee hardware store owner Jeff Amick celebrated the masterpiece cake shop decision by hanging a no gays allowed sign on the front of his store. Anthony Kennedy could not be reached for comment as he was occupied preemptively fucking himself, but Scalia, Thomas and Gorsuch were overheard this weekend waxing intellectual on the art of recommending the proper torque wrench.

Okay, everyone, we know the rules now. We got to ask him real nice to take the sign down. Real nice. Real respectful. Right. You got to be all bashful and kick pebbles. If there's no pebbles, you have to bring some with you and lay them down and then kick them ironically it's kind of like asking for butt sex

now it's worth noting that this isn't the first time amex display windows were graced with this particular sign he first put it up after the 2015 obergefell decision uh recognized the constitutional right to marriage regardless of a couple's total penis count. Now, eventually, somebody convinced him he couldn't do that. So he took that sign down and replaced it with a sign that said, and I quote, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who would violate our rights of freedom of speech and freedom of religion, end quote. Which means the exact same thing as far as he, most evangelical christianity and apparently the majority of this goddamn supreme court thing but after the masterpiece cake shop decision he decided he could you know stop being so subtle and changed it back to the no gays allowed sign i love this

guy so much because he's just murdered the christian euphemism right yeah we always knew that that's what they meant when they said freedom of speech freedom of religion but this guy's just like yelling from the back like we mean the game oh guy most fancy words for guy most and when you say freedom of assembly blacks thank you cool and look i get that like some redneck misunderstanding a supreme court decision isn't proof that the decision itself is bad but it is a naked reminder of what they're after this is the end game for them and every flimsy legally dubious logically incoherent concession we offer up to pacify them will only have the opposite effect and when slobbering bigots like Jeff Amex, who justified his sign in 2015 by saying, quote, gays and lesbians are against my religion,

end quote, think that they've won, the whole goddamn country has lost. So can we start voting like on the local level to ban ignorant rednecks from places? Just a team of trolls that guard every bridge and every entrance into New York City. Sorry, I'm going to stop you right there, sir. Name a book.

Not the Bible. Too slow. You're boring. Turn around. I mean, we do have that. It's the $12 toll on the GW. AMX does not have that. Believe it's $15 now. Yeah, now it is. That'll keep them out. Alright, so just one more chilling note on this one.

When asked about the sign by a local news affiliate, Amick said, quote, Christianity is under attack. This is a great win, don't get me wrong, but this is not the end. This is just the beginning. Now, keep in mind, this guy thinks it's legal for him

to not sell hammers to gay people. That's what he thinks this ruling means, and he says it's only for him to not sell hammers to gay people. That's what he thinks this ruling means, and he says it's only the beginning. What is the ending in his mind, right? And now we wait. They are hammerless. See how they work.

Houses will fall down and just move. Long con. Back to France. And in Call Me By my name news tonight, Christian orchestra teacher and mid thirties ET who went through a bad breakup. John. He's the craziest looking.

He looks like an apostrophe. If I looked like him, I would never do anything to bring attention to myself. Is way too public, I would never do anything to bring attention to myself. Pressure teacher is way too public. I would just, I would scurry from place to place hoping no one ever saw me. Eli looks like Eli and brings attention to himself just to give you the scale of what's happening right here. Google him and you'll be like, oh, oh. You'll start to write an angry email about us making fun of someone with a disability and then you'll google further and realize no god just hates him anyway that guy's in the news this week

after quitting his job upon learning he has to treat all of his students like human beings even the gross queer ones so you know yeah so kluge who again i cannot emphasize enough looks like he's about to rise out of a snake basket at an insult convention he originally claimed that he was forced out of his job but upon further examination admitted that by forced out of his job he meant he was told he had to use trans students chosen names yeah okay as opposed to what the student 24601 got lay miz all confused he thinks he's javert he thinks that's the good guy he's just screaming that number at some kid kids it's like, come on, man. Just, it's Steve. It's so simple. Two boys and Steve. Just say Steve.

Steve-an. Steve-an. Yeah, right, right. So, hoping to catch in on some of that sweet, sweet pseudo-intellectual Christian apologist Patreon dollars, and no doubt with a best-selling

book about cleaning your room in the waiting, who said, quote, I'm being compelled to encourage students in what I believe is something that's a dangerous lifestyle. Would it help if we explain that his bigotry is the reason it's dangerous? Right?

No, no, no. You're the it's not dangerous. Just if you leave him, go to Sweden, check it. They're just fine. Anyways, he added, quote, I'm fine to teach students disagree with other beliefs, but the fact that teachers are being compelled to speak a certain way is a scary thing. What is it? Is it? I feel like we're already compelling teachers to avoid hate speech.

Also, just most people. Yeah, there's certain amounts of compelling there. Like he's just yelling at a black kid. You're Toby, First Amendment. No, not anything like that. That's not what the First Amendment means. And while we can all agree that the argument from Jesus wants to know what name is on your driver's license is dumb as shit. I want to point out that I've seen some relatively intelligent people fall for the no less insidious argument from how can i keep track of all these

pronouns and i think it's worth noting that the former is the road that the latter argument leads down so again officially if you were wondering where on the slope we're interested in stopping transphobic bigotry in the name of freedom it's at the top it's at the top. It's at the top. Okay, but I can still complain about there being too many letters, right? Yes, absolutely. Like acronyms of four or more letters have to be pronounceable, people. NASA, scuba, laser, spam. Help me out here. Help me out.

Still, I think it's obvious someone needs a lesson, and that's why we sent out our very own Heath Enright into the field to set things right. Hey, John, right? Yes. Yeah, wow, you are strange looking. Hi, I'm Heath Enright. You're the guy who, like, won't use trans students' names, right?

The teacher? I am, yeah. Sorry, I was just trying to get past you to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, just one second. I was just wondering, get past you to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, just one second. I was just wondering, why? Why would you do that? Well, if you must know, sex is based on chromosomes, and while I'm perfectly happy doing...

Okay, cool, cool, wasn't listening. Have you ever had your karyotypes tested? My, my karyo-what? Yeah, that's, that's what I thought. Just hold still for a second ow you stabbed me yeah yeah just doing a dna profile real quick why why are you doing a dna you know intersex conditions are more common than red hair and blue eyes so just making sure you aren't a giant liar wait they they are yeah yeah and And that's just chromosomal anomalies.

That doesn't include non-receptor conditions, different hormonal balances, and brain structure deviations. Huh. See, that's what I was talking about. Would you look at this? You have a chromosomal anomaly. I do? Yep.

I think I'm going to call you Jomina from now on. Now, wait a minute. You can't just make up sorry man uh i mean whatever you are uh woman's uh sexist chromosomes you're jomina but now look i'm a man i don't care what a random blood test says i live my life as a man and i need sorry not really into the whole uh post-modern cultural marxism thing i mean don't get wrong. I know you think you're male. It's just, you know, cuckoo, right? Like you got to what science? No, you can't just hint that I'm mentally ill because you've arbitrarily. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not hinting that you're mentally ill.

I'm pretending it's fixed science that you're mentally ill. Okay. This is ridiculous. I'm going to the bathroom and when I get out, uh, yeah, sorry about this, this is ridiculous. I'm going to the bathroom, and when I get out... Ooh, uh, yeah, sorry about this, but, uh, I just passed a bunch of laws saying Jomina's gotta go to the bathroom at home, so... What? Why? Oh, because I think you're a pedophile now.

Let me get this straight. With no acknowledgement of my lived experience or appearance, and an arbitrary scientific standard that you already admitted has enough deviation to produce a hair and eye color we don't think twice about. You refuse to acknowledge my name, pretend I'm mentally ill and created a law about where I can go to the bathroom based on falsely accusing me of being a sexual predator. Yes. You know what? Fuck you. Whoa. Fuck you. Wow. predator yes you know what fuck you whoa fuck you wow so much for the tolerant left

and in throwing the baby out with the holy water news tonight in a refreshing change for us here on the scathing atheist we have a story this week about a kid that did not die because of his insane religious parents. Awesome. Oh, nice. Finally, a story about a kid that died for a good reason. Oh, yeah. Fantastic. So what happened?

He got dragged off a flight and beat to death by a United Airlines security guard to raucous applause. I feel like that would be fun. I thought we agreed we weren't reading Noah's road trip fan fiction allowed on the show. So now I don't know who agreed to that. I don't know. It was just twerked right in the kid's face as he's getting. No, this story is because a judge in British Columbia took the baby away and gave it to

sane people in spite of the fact that the two parents used a stuffed lion as their defense attorney which they claimed was channeling the spirit of jesus christ lion king of kings awesome what does in spite of mean to you eli it means that some of us think that stuffed lions are a great defense no matter what cock nadia thinks yeah all Yeah. Alright, well, if I'm the prosecutor here, I'm wearing a scar costume, dressing up like Satan, and also definitely taking their child away.

Well, and that's the great thing about being the prosecutor here. You can say, do, or wear anything. Anything you always want to do. Doesn't matter. You're winning this case anyways. Keep away with the gavel. Call yourself to the stand and run back and forth to ask questions. thing anything you always want to do doesn't matter you're winning this case anyways play keep away with the gavel call yourself to the stand and run back and forth to ask questions object on the grounds of hey macarena just go fucking nuts this goes in the wind column no

matter what yep that's your day that's fair so even with their slightly more subtle production of the lion the witch in the wardrobe the two parents failed their appeal this week though i imagine that has less to do with the fact that they used a god puppet for their defense, and more with the multiple witness statements of their terrifying endangerment and abuse of their child and each

other. Yeah, I mean, I still feel like without that, the Harry Mason gambit would have done the trick, though, right? For listeners born after 1947, that's a reference to a TV show from the 50s about a pair of eyebrows that solved crimes. Either way, it's good to report on some parent plus baby plus Jesus news

that doesn't have a body count, but tune in next week or, hell, this week for a story that does. We've always got those ones you're missing and in statue of limitations news christian people in stamford connecticut having a little meltdown ever since a 26 foot tall statue of marilyn monroe was placed in laytham park across the street from the First Congregational Church. The installation is part of a public art project, and the piece features Marilyn in her iconic pose above a sewer grate from The Seven Year Itch.

And apparently this is a big problem because Marilyn's ass is facing their building. And because people are standing underneath the statue and looking up her skirt obviously at the carving of nothing they obviously didn't carve a butthole and a vagina but most importantly i'm assuming it reminds them of giantess porn that they've been watching and they have to deal with awkward church boners more than no such thing as an awkward church boner okay so at this point even hollywood censors from the early 50s are looking at modern day christianity and going you fucking prudes see i say we go to the protest but when they ask why we're there we're like it's because they didn't carve the butthole switch it on them strong agree strong agree by the way everyone go check out giant is born if

you haven't already just like like pause, take some time. You're worth it. Okay. So I looked at some maps and did some geometry and it turns out Christian people are fucking stupid. First of all, the Maryland statue has been transported all over the world, including Australia, mostly while laying on her stomach. australia mostly while laying on her stomach which means her ass was facing heaven the whole time because heaven is up from everywhere right but god's totally cool with it and these people are complaining also if you continue drawing that line uh north northeast-ish from maryland's again non-existent butthole she's technically about to shit all over Danbury, Connecticut also, and then Quebec City, and eventually a big chunk of Russia if you keep going.

And if you draw a sine curve, it gets even worse. It hits a bunch of stuff. And one other thing, if you guys are listening over at the First Congregational Church, my weird lumpy dick is out right now and facing directly at you and noah can verify this he's not happy about it and i'm gonna do this every day like you guys are mecca and my penis is a muslim so whatever you do i'm not mad i just don't think you should have cut an isolate in your condom yeah just to be clear this is going to end with heath acid attacking his own penis i know it i want us all to know. I warned us now. But life's cool.

Learn some cool new stuff. Okay. So I came up with a few solutions, though. We're always, always looking to help here at the Scandic Atheist. So option one, I'm saying we build an atheist, you know, a little atheist pop-up church right behind Marilyn's ass. And we block the directional ashtrays of evil right because we can handle those okay we can handle that um option two we set up an even larger scale diorama of an iconic bible scene you know to to drown out the inappropriate nature of the maryland

statue like maybe you know like a giant pillar of salt next to an angry mob trying to gangbang two angels. Yeah, something inoffensive like that. Something inoffensive from the Bible. Or option three, everyone finds a way to walk past the statue without trying to fuck it. That would be great. I would say that would be option two. Or they try to fuck it. Either way, I really don't care.

Just walk past it. Oh, sure. Now you don't care. But when I try to fuck a statue, it's the Anne Frank Museum and we're under arrest now. Typical. Hate being the new guy. And because they specifically asked if we could transition to their ads straight out of a bit about fucking statues, we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron. Eli, are you in here?

Oh, hey, Noah, how human do you human? Dude, you've been in your room refreshing Twitter and newsfeeds for hours. You've got to take a break. Can't break Trump. Trump say things. I know he does, dude, but especially right now, self-care is really important. I self-care. I bubble bath.

I bubble. Yeah, you brought yourself a thing of bubble bath here, but no, dude, you really need to take care of yourself, and part of that is eating right. What did you have for lunch today? Hot pocket soup. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's not food. Why not try Blue Apron?

No, no, don't need apron. Just wear poncho for crumbs no no just blue apron it's the number one meal delivery service in the country they deliver fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes the menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by blue aprons in-house culinary team this good sound but need to save money. New health care law says just everyone tissues. No, I get it.

But Blue Apron does help you save money. In fact, our listeners can check out this week's menu and get their first three meals free at blueapron.com slash scathing. That's blueapron.com slash scathing to get your first three meals free. You, Blue Apron? Oh, absolutely. Look look i'm under a lot of stress too but blue apron is an easy simple way to take better care of yourself and it's really important it's delicious saves money and takes care of your body and mind got got puppy pictures for facebook i know you did, bud. I know. Blue apron. A better way to cook.

It didn't help. No, they're pictures of puppies. Why would they? That's for me. And now, back to the headlines. In Southern Baptist contention news tonight, the Southern Baptist Convention held their first gathering since the ouster of controversial misogynist and chief Paige Patterson, who was rocked by scandal when it came to light that he was acting like a Baptist.

Convention organizers were concerned that they'd have trouble filling the center without a raging misogynist who wields too much power to somehow ignored by the press despite his rampant bigotry. So they got Mike Pence, which which means a team of secret service agents is going to be making sure pence doesn't end up alone in a walled area with the female right lest he immediately pull his dick out and start smashing it into her face uncontrollably that's something we're paying for as a country dudes to dive in front of that weird dick honestly dudes to dive in front of that weird dick is a growing industry we could get rich on a timer but dudes to dive in front of dicks ever fucking green all right so one of the first orders of business of course was electing a new president who would continue to do all the terrible shit page patterson did but without pre-existing negative press coverage and they

admitted as much by the way ed stetzer the executive director of the Billy Graham Center at Wheaton College, the innermost ring of atheist hell, described their newly elected president, J.D. Greer, as, quote, a new face for a traditional theology, end quote. What? Yeah, right. And then, as if to beat me to the comparison, he added, quote, think about how Pope Francis hasn't really changed Catholic doctrine,

but he has put a different face on that. Greer is sort of a new generational face. End quote. Yeah. Just like Jared when he started working for Subway. Exactly. They're just admitting that they're just going to sugarcoat their bullshit, but keep it the same. Yeah.

Comes out for his first address, turns his chair around backwards. Okay, guys, let's rap about how gay people are going. Yeah, exactly right. Gay people. Well, to their credit, the SBC did realize that in the wake of the scandal surrounding Page, well, don't divorce him if only half your eyes are black. Patterson, they had to at least pay lip service to gender issues. On Tuesday, the group released a plan of resolutions they plan to vote on, and the first two

deal with gender issues. And that's where their line of credit expires. Because both of them are fucking terrible. The first one is titled, On the Dignity and Worth of Women. And it talks about how women can do a lot of stuff. Not be ordained pastors, mind you.

But a lot of stuff. And the second one calls on the Southern Baptist to formally condemn beating your wife. And we're not even certain yet that these will pass. Oh, you know what they should do? They should combine them. It should be on being dignified while you're being beaten. That would get a lot

of... Yeah, no, Paige Patterson would approve. Alright, now that's pretty bad, but I'm still not ready to give up on this diving in front of people's dick business model yet. So, like, guys, just imagine it. Imagine it. Hi, I'm Noah Lusions.

And I'm Heath Enright. And we're excited to offer a brand new service, cock blockers. Tired of being sexually harassed at work, school, on a movie set, or in the Oval Office? Then why not hire cock blockers tired of being sexually harassed at work school on a movie set or in the oval office then why not hire cock blockers we can turn this hey pretty ladies someone wants to say hi oh gross into this hey pretty ladies someone wants will always love. Dude,

did you just dive in front of my dick? I did. Yes, I dove in front of your dick. Cock blockers. Theme from The Bodyguard, not included. And in gotta get bigot news tonight, CrossFit spokesman

and Christian pastor, Russell Berger took a break from advising people to hurt themselves physically this week to get fired in an anti-gay Twitter rant about how homosexuality is a sin and how damn intolerant them gays are when you point

it out. At the gays. Stop resisting. And I'm already fired. Pretty much. So Berger, who looks like Doogie Howser traded his teeth for roids, took to Twitter to weigh in on the closure of an Indiana-based affiliate who lost massive membership after canceling a special workout that had been planned to honor LGBTQ pride. Oh my God, that sounds like the best workout ever.

Right? Wow. Just doing cleans with your rectum yeah whatever parts of the body lesbians use boobs i don't know so burger was very angry that people would take their business to a gym that didn't have a strong opinion about who their patrons fuck saying quote as someone who personally believes celebrating pride is a sin i'd like to personally encourage okay hashtag crossfit

infiltrate the business that didn't want to have the gay workout day by standing by their convictions and refusing to host an indie pride workout the intolerance of the lgbtq ideology towards any alternative views is mind-blowing yeah end quote those gays are always blowing something am i right so yeah guys any theories on why fags hate god back so much their idea uh probably a combination of stuff uh entitlement uh the skull dimples are different they have that gay heel bone thing right right their unwillingness to tolerate alternative views like you shouldn't be allowed to exist right closed minded exactly conversation people so five hours later burger was fired much

to the chagrin of homophobes and people who enjoy throwing their back out by doing too many cleans everywhere for now it looks like burger will have to go back to serving the other huge parts of this country that don't care if you're a hateful piece of shit or his job as a pastor where that's a requirement and you don't pay taxes he's gonna be fine yeah he's got a pretty good gig there yeah and in taylor made news tonight firefighting prophet upcoming liberty university film hero and person who thinks the sick in brackets that always accompanies his name in news stories is an honorific mark taylor took to the internets this week to warn of the nefarious illuminati plan to use man-made hurricanes to depress midterm election turnout because for liberty university to find somebody confidently predicting trump

would be president before 2015 they had to go with a guy who says shit like this or be an episode of the simpsons yeah that predicted his presidency and also got pretty close on his future skin color way back in 2000 yeah it's true i mean yeah but to be fair yellow-skinned, four-fingered people are just way too close to home for Liberty U. And I bet it's a special spot for them.

So this revelation came to us via Sheila Zielinski's podcast, the Sheila Zielinski podcast. Creative. On the nose. It's better than citation needed, actually.

In which Taylor reiterated his earlier assertion that hurricanes Harvey and Irma were man-made storms sent by the illuminati to punish trump voters and as evidence of that claim he pointed out that irma was the first hurricane ever that quote didn't know where to come and land at and quote no fucking No fucking clue. So the hurricane just guessed where to land? What the fuck would that even mean? Like, it left the question blank on the Scantron? You remember the landing question?

God's like, come on, hurricane. You got to guess. Test taking 101. Now, he further pointed out the state of Florida was already seeing subtropical storm activity well before their normal start of hurricane season, a phenomenon that could only be explained by the overwhelming prediction of climatologists, a not particularly unusual coincidence or a band of shadowy global oligarchs with a secret hurricane machine that needs warmed up several times before November. And Taylor was clear that, yes, they're sending hurricanes to steal your vote, but that's not the limit of the illuminati's nefarious plot he also issued a slightly less specific warning to quote look for some stuff right before the election end quote so you know and on the lookout for the stuff and and if there

is any stuff be on the lookout for a sequel to Liberty U's Trump Prophecy movies. Obviously, yeah. There could be stuff. That'll be the name of it. There could be stuff. Perfect. And finally tonight, in old guy in a red hat news. Switching it up. Christian Wright activist Coach Dave Dobenmeier finally got kicked out of the

press box at the abandoned stadium where he's been squatting for the last five years forcing him to find a new location to record his webcast and probably also reside permanently. And it looks like he chose the grass in the middle of that same stadium where I'm assuming he

shat in a circle to establish his own sovereign nation. That's where he sat angrily and announced the bigotry-themed protest that he organized for this weekend. No, it's going to be a blast, guys. Roasting marshmallows off a cross, throwing stones. They even got a little ring toss for the kids, but with tiny little nooses.

It's going to be great. Adorable. So you may remember Coach Dave as the guy who proved that masturbation is technically gay because it's a dude touching a penis. Right, right. Like, it's like peeing in that way. Groundbreaking stuff. Well, his upcoming protest event is called All Hands on Deck. I said deck, damn it.

I said deck. And his brigade of religious assholes is going to be heading to Thornville, Ohio, to harass people at a mosque, an abortion and a pride parade for fucks so if you're a gay muslim in thornville ohio about to terminate your unplanned pregnancy right watch out he's coming or set up a fun coach dave themed scavenger hunt thing for yourself because you're gonna see him so much. Spot him. Where's Waldo? I mean, if they did this in California, they could have just saved some time and gone to one of those gay abortion mosques.

Right. You heard me, Dave. They have those. They have those there. Go check them out. They're just south of Snipeville. We're going to drop a wooden box on him. A little aborted fetuses all the way as a

little trail of a fetus ah shit this keeps happening yeah so the goal of this guy's protest is to shame all those different heathens into becoming christian that's the stated goal is shame yeah according to coach dave quote shame is a good thing. Shame breaks you down.

Shame drives you to your knees. Now, okay, so far, so good. That's true. There needs to be more shame around society. He continues, shame lets you know you need a savior. And there it is. You're doing so well with the shame thing. And this is where he gets super confused and starts

trying to i'm pretty sure voice all three parts of an argument that only he could hear so he continues what do you mean why do you make them feel ashamed they're gonna kill their baby don't make them ashamed what end quote and i think he left out the rest, which ended with, What? What? What? Yeah, the one-man interview show genre is underexplored in my mind. Yeah, I mean, look, the day Coach Dave gets in a fistfight with himself on camera, we'll report on it, but we won't say we didn't see it coming. No, we'll probably just play this clip, actually.

Yeah, and in terms of the pride parade, Coach Dave wasn't sure if everyone was familiar with that topic of being gay, so he took a moment to clear that up. Apparently, he just found out what happens during gay sex between two men

and he got extra interested angry he asked quote do you know that those men put their penises in the rectum of other men do you know that end quote have you heard about this have you seen this penis and rectum these kids there it is but it makes you wonder what did he think was happening before he learned about the butt yeah like i really wanted to hear flash cut to coach dave with two ken dolls with the clay dicks he made for him just does does it go in in the dick i mean, the way he sets this up, I was expecting a doodly-do. Right?

Did you know that? I wonder what that'd be like. That'd be like, fuck, that only works in the movies, doesn't it? Nesting dicks. Nesting dicks, yeah. Apparently, Coach Dave couldn't pick just the one thing to hate, so I guess he just had everyone start yelling slurs until three major themes

emerged from his like pan-bigotry symphony of idiots. And naturally those themes were Muslim people, gay people, and abortion. So basically the GOP platform and its entire suite of bigot stuff all at once. At the end of the weekend, I guess they're

going to release 20 poor people into the woods and hunt them down with bows and arrows. A nice luau roast to close it all out. All right. Well, now that Eli has to find out if there's still a ticket available, we're going to close off the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Widows fuck better.

What? And when we come back, God will so love mankind, they'll kill all but seven of them. You tricked me with that one. Okay, so you're saying if I use your boxes, it's $25,000, but if I use my boxes, it's less?

Yes, I'll hold. Hey, podcast listener. As you may have noticed over the last couple of weeks, Noah and Heath are moving this month. And, well, it's kind of expensive. Hey, guys, do I need a bed? Like, do I need it? Like, how hard is it to sleep on a floor? It's not.

Heath, I'm on the phone. What do you mean you have a van with three wheels? Do I have to bring a wheel? So we thought we'd take a moment to remind you that if you don't already support the show on patreon.com slash scathing atheist, now is a really, really good time to start.

Eli, sorry, I know you're recording stuff, but how much do you think I can get for my pog collection? That's a quarter you painted, Brown Heath. Damn it! Right. People who chuck us as little as a dollar a show get access to an early extended and commercial free version as well as an over-the-top compliment from noah for your genitals and access to our patron only ama episodes where we talk about everything from

our personal lives to our favorite kinds of scotch plus higher level patrons get free e-copies and hard copies of our books special shout outs on your patron anniversary and much much more okay Thank you. are super duper grateful for anything you can give okay eli uh how about now what about this that's just a slightly lighter shade of brown damn it especially now it's a it's a slammer it's not though you're not as we make our way through the bible for the second, or in some of our cases, the third time, we can't help but be saddened by the fact that the familiar stories are disappearing a lot faster than the remaining pages. So as the landscape before us grows ever more barren, we present yet another edition of... Bible Peace Theater.

of Bible Peace Theater. And so it was that Cain did bear Enoch, who began Erod. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Who did Cain marry? His wife? No, I mean, there are three people on Earth at this point. Who did he marry?

Mrs. Cain. Well, actually, most biblical scholars agree that it would be an unnamed sister. Like his sister? Who else's sister? Gross. Judgy. And you guys know what that means, right? What?

No. What does that mean? Mormons have a point about the Garden of Eden being in Missouri. Who begot Mehujel? Who begot Methusel? Who begot Lamech? Who is the only person who has a story about them? My wives, my wives, come hither. Okay, Anna, you ready for your first Bible piece theater?

Now, to be fair, I'm doing this because Lucinda is out of town. This is not a commitment. See, this is how you end up reading Case for Christ. Understood. Wow, okay. Eli, what'd you do to convince Anna to do this? Something with my tongue, if you know what I mean. Um, was it shut up for two minutes?

It was to shut up for two minutes. Okay. Wait, two wives? Yeah, I'm the first guy in the Bible with two wives. Chapter four. We made it to chapter four. Yeah, uh, anyway, uh, I have slain a man to my wounding and a young man to my hurt. Jesus, what does that even mean?

I think it means I got in a fight and I'm going to die. You sure? I am not. No idea. Go ahead. Okay. If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. Wait, what? Uh, remember?

Right, people are gonna know that I'm a murderer and they're gonna kill me. Oh, yeah, they probably will. Okay, so well, whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken upon him sevenfold. Wait, whoever kills a murderer is seven times worse than a murderer?

That's what it says in the book. Seems like a weird system, especially since I'm the first person to do this. Yeah, you want to get murdered or not? No, I do not. Do not. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah want to get murdered or not? No, I do not. Do not. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, 77-fold. Okay, but what about the guy who avenges that guy? Is it 847 or is it 777? Oh, I mean, I would assume 847 is because of the math. Yeah, but it's not like God laid out that it would be an exponential growth factor to begin with. I really thought that it was based on Cain. Uh, you know what? I'm dead.

Do the stories get better? Not really. And so it was that Adam and Eve bore a third son. Wait, wait. They had a third son? Yeah. Okay, since I was a little kid, all I've heard about was the brothers Cain and Abel.

Cain and Abel. Now they have a third son? Yeah, third son. What was his name? I am Seth. Does he do anything? Nope, that's it. That seems like a waste of Seth's time that we asked him to do that.

Oh, he doesn't know that I did. I just record him introducing himself to someone at the American Atheist Convention. Oh, okay. It's at this point in the Bible that the book sums up the last four chapters incorrectly and then lists the comically exaggerated ages everyone dies at until Noah. So, to sum up this part of the book, we'd like to bring to you Methuselah's last birthday party. Hey Grandpa! Happy Birthday! Oh thank you young Noah, my grandson!

I'm so happy to be celebrating my 969th birthday with you. You said 69. Hey, act your age. I'm 500 years old. Well, I'm 500 years old and I just had three sons. Wait, really? Yeah, they're mostly dust. This book is stupid.

There were giants in the earth in those days, and also after that, when the sons of God came in on... I'm sorry, giants? Oh my God, read ahead. You really should read ahead. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Where did the giants come from? The sons of God and man.

Wait, who are the sons of God? I think, I mean, a lot of people think it's angels that fucked. So angels fucked people? How did that happen? Hey, yeah, can I get another shot of ancient booze or whatever? Sure thing. Hey, handsome. Jesus.

No, no, he's not in the picture yet. But, uh, bet you could make me leak. You know what I mean? Okay, I'm literally gonna throw up. I'm literally gonna eat it if you do. Oh. That would explain it. Yeah, no, yeah.

Hey, it's at least as good as the explanation in the Bible. Sarah, Sarah. Yes, Mr. God. What's with least as good as the explanation in the Bible. Sarah, Sarah. Yes, Mr. God. What's with all the old guys and the giants? It's a fucking mess down there. Uh, no idea about the giants. Pretty mad you even asked. Kind of rude. But, uh, the old guys, uh, yeah, when you said we'll die, you probably should have been a little more specific. Okay, okay, understood. From now on, people live to 120 years old Um, really?

Because, according to my reports Most people aren't going to make it until 60 For like a bunch more years No, it's fine, it's fine The number looks smaller because so many of them are white Uh, actually, sir Literally, none of them are white yet Wait a minute

Sarah, you're telling me Nobody on Earth is white yet Yeah, I mean Based on the time period And the like cultural Let's flood the Earth and start over That's gonna be tough to spin Noah

Noah Hey Hey God How are you doing man Noah Noah Hey Hey God How are you doing man? How's it going? Are you drunk? A little bit A little bit

Here's the thing I'm killing the whole earth And I need you to build a boat And I need you to put some of every animal on it And kind of just sail it around for a while while shit works itself out. Wait, wait, wait. You're, uh, you kill all the animals?

Uh, yeah, gonna kill everything, except the stuff you put on the boat. And maybe the giants. What? There's giants? Yeah, someone had too many appletinis. Sorry, sorry. Uh, okay What about a fish?

A fish can stay So So fish are gonna Stay dicks? Yeah, man, fish are dicks Alright, okay, you know what? Sounds fucking great I'll build a fucking boat, I'll build it right now, let's do it

That's the spirit. I like this guy, this Noah guy. All right. What are we building out of? Gopherwood. It's going to be huge. It's going to be a big, beautiful boat, unlike any other boat anyone's ever, ever seen.

Sounds physically possible. But you know what, man? You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. That's the spirit, Noah. That's the spirit. Yep, okay, you know what, man? You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Do it. That's the spirit, Noah. That's the spirit. Yep, okay. Just one problem, though.

What's the problem? I can't build a bow right now. Why not? Because I, uh, because I sent this gum. You see the gum? Oh, dude.

Is that your junk? Ha ha ha, yeah. That's, uh, that's kind of my thing. The gum. Lou, Lou, Lou doing drunk boat stuff. Drunk boat stuff is my favorite stuff. Noah,

Noah. Oh, hey, hey, God, how's it going, man? What's up? Uh, how's the boat thing coming? Great, great. Hey. God. How's it going, man? What's up? How's the boat thing coming? Great. Great. This is 410 feet long and made of wood. Floats and everything, like I said.

Really? It floats? That seems super unlikely. Sure does. Sure does. So what's up? Okay. Sure does. Sure does. So what's up?

Okay, so I want you to bring seven of each clean beast and two of every unclean beast. Uh, like, muddy? No, no, the clean and unclean, like I say in Leviticus. That hasn't been written yet. Oh, it hasn't? No. Uh, call forward, I guess? Ha, ha, love those.

Hilarious. Call forward. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Wake up, wake up. Wake up, you gotta go. You gotta go, come on. It's raining. Let's do it.

Dad, it's late. What's happening? Come on, come on. Get in the boat, Daddy Maiden. We're all going to get in the boat with all the animals. I got two, or like fucking seven of each animal. We got a bunch of the animals. We're going to ride around for a while with the animals.

Let's do it. Dad, that's physically impossible. No, no, it's not. God said or something. I just had to get them in there real tight. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Hey, Shem.

Shem. Shem. What, Dad? Don't forget this. Ew, Dad, that's your dick. I got him again. My dick. It was my dick.

And so it was that all the creatures on Earth were killed, and Noah, his family, and two of every animal floated on the sea until God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged. Um, it was Mexico. Noah, Noah. What? What is it, God? You're good. The water's all dried up. Be fruitful and multiply. I mean, I'm like

a couple hundred years old. No, I mean like the animals. All of you and the animals. Be fruitful. Okay. Okay. Didn't you kill the trees and grass and stuff? What are you going to eat?

This is all gone. Right. McDonald's? Oh, right. McDonald's? Oh, McDonald's sounds so fucking good right now. Flurry. Hey, that smells good. Noah, Noah, what are you doing? Oh, hey, God. I, uh, set up an altar.

We're doing barbecue for you. Oh, you guys are the best. You know what? I'm never drowning the earth again. That's good. That's good. I didn't, didn't know you were considering drowning the earth. Yep.

But it's good that you're not. Yeah, no, I was thinking about making it an annual thing. But, uh. Cool. Cool. Confused. Noah, Noah, bring... Cool. Cool. Confused. Noah, Noah, bring your family before me. Listen.

Go forth. Be fruitful and multiply. We will, God. Over the earth, I give you control. Don't kill each other. Or, if you do, kill that guy. Seems oddly bloodthirsty. And, and, uh and uh also be fruitful and multiply okay got it

can i watch okay we're done and noah had three sons shem jepheth and ham the father of canaan who for some reason was black. My grandmother's one-third Italian, okay? Italian. Sure. Sup, narrator. Narrating. Boo. Oh, man.

I should not have drunk all that drink. I'm going to take a little nap with my dick out. Dick's out now. Hey, Dad, the kangaroo was wondering how the hell he was going to get... Oh, Jesus Christ. Hey, Ham, what's going on? Oh, nothing, Dad. Just fell asleep with his dick out again. Well, did you, like, cover it? No, I didn't cover... Why would I cover it? I don't know. It just seems like, cover it? No. I didn't cover...

Why would I cover it? I don't know. It just seems polite to cover it. To cover my drunk dad's dick? Yeah, I'm gonna go cover his dick. Yeah, let's go cover his dick. Dude, it's so dark in here. I know, I know, but go backwards so we don't see Dad's dick.

What? I'm still really confused why you guys are so concerned with seeing Dad's dick. It's weird. It's a weird dick. You guys are weird. Okay, one, two, three. Okay, Mr. Goat. Just this once. Just once more. We're gonna do this again.

Oh, gross. Kids! Kids! Kids, get in here! Uh, yes, father? Yes, father? And it's still out. Which one of you covered my dick?

Uh, we did, father. You covered my dick? That was you? Yeah. That's awesome. You guys are the best. You guys are the best. You know what, Chev That was you? Yeah. That's awesome. You guys are the best. You guys are the best. You know what, Shem?

You're blessed now. Ham's kids are going to be your fucking slaves now. And you know what, Seth? You're blessed, too. Ham's kids are also going to be your slaves. That is such bullshit for not covering your dick. Yep, yep. Although, you know, this is color-coded.

It's useful. I hate this book. I'm dead now. And with several thousand years of slavery set into motion by the lack of a dick towel, we'll leave things there. But we'll be back in a few more weeks with even more... Bible Peace Theater. Before we disappear behind Tinkerbell's fairy dust this week, I want to remind you that we've got a live record of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, coming up on the second weekend in August.

Saturday, August 11th, Heath, Eli, and Neil join Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for a double feature of Citation Needed. Should be a lot of fun, so if you're in the area looking for a great deal on some live entertainment, check the show notes or our Facebook page for more info. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend God of Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this would be little more than a practice episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the kind of guy who can fit a geography joke

and a math joke into the same sentence on a bit about Marilyn Monroe's ass. I need to thank Eli for all the stuff he could fit into a bit of Marilyn's ass, too. I also want to remind everybody that Lucinda is coming back eventually, she promises. I also want to thank Tony and God from the Conversations with God podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to hear the omnipotent creator of the universe answer for his crimes, you'll find a link to their show on the show notes for this episode.

Most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most masterly mammals, Deirdre, Jin, Matthew, Annalid, Jacob, Patrick, Dennis, four words, all lowercase, Tamara, and Andrew. Deirdre, Jin, Matthew, and Annalid, who are so smart Alexa asks them shit. Jacob, Patrick, and Dennis, who are so cool they're going to fuck up Hell's theme when they get there, and four words all lowercase, Tamara and Andrew, who are so hot they'll change it back when they get there. Together, these ten tenacious tenderhearts have made our tendentious tendencies more tenable this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathing atheist.com and if you'd like to help but your money's all tied up in buying non-free things you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on itunes telling a friend about the show or liking our facebook page legal services for this podcast are provided by

the law offices of p andrew torres and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingideast.com. Swoosh. Sorry. Nothing says Heath off like a long fart. Farts are so funny. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC.

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