The Scathing Atheist - 285: C.O.O.L. G.I.M.P. Edition

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

In this week’s episode, we’ll learn what christians mean when they say they’re a COOL GIMP, Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop company hires a stunt vagina, and Jeff Sessions apparently thinks it’s the ��just us” department. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To learn more about the Guerilla Skepticism on Wikipedia Project, click here: http://guerrillaskepticismonwikipedia.blogspot.com/ Headlines: Jeff Sessions announces "Religious Liberty Task Force": https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/07/jeff-sessions-announces-religious-liberty-task-force-at-doj-summit.html Cardinal resigns over kid-raping, ordered to a ‘life of prayer and penance’: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/28/cardinal-resigns-over-sex-abuse-scandal-ordered-to-life-of-prayer-and-penance/ Republican in virginia race loves bigfoot porn https://www.rawstory.com/2018/07/republican-accused-of-being-devotee-of-bigfoot-by-democratic-opponent-in-virginia-house-race/ And https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bigfoot-porn-house-race-virginiaus5b5ec4f5e4b0de86f4988800 Study: Christian nationalists think god wants them to have guns: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/27/christian-nationalists-believe-god-literally-wants-them-to-have-guns-study-says/ Update on bible in military display: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/07/23/conservatives-are-furious-that-the-military-replaced-a-bible-on-a-memorial-table/ and http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/07/30/christian-right-group-says-military-display-with-generic-faith-book-is-illegal/ Log Cabin Republicans support anti-LGBTQ politician in GA Governor’s race https://www.rawstory.com/2018/07/log-cabin-republicans-support-anti-lgbtq-politician-ga-governors-race/ NYC officials sued for allowing substandard education at Orthodox Jewish schools: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/24/ny-officials-sued-for-allowing-substandard-education-at-orthodox-jewish-schools/ CVS fires pharmacist who refused to fill hormone prescription for trans woman: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/25/cvs-fires-pharmacist-who-refused-to-fill-hormone-prescription-for-trans-woman/ Goop hires a fact checker: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/25/gwyneth-paltrows-goop-hired-a-full-time-fact-checker-and-other-revelations/ This Week in Misogyny: Saudi woman faces jail time for hugging male singer on stage: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/07/30/saudi-arabian-woman-faces-prison-time-for-hugging-male-singer-on-stage/ Mormon mother denied temple recommend for breastfeeding in church: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/07/27/a-mormon-mother-was-denied-a-temple-recommend-after-breastfeeding-in-church/ Catholic ownership of hospitals an increasing problem: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-catholic-bishops-are-shaping-health-care-in-rural-america/ Sources for Christian terminology: http://loveandsalvation.blogspot.com/2011/04/christian-acronyms-and-acrostics.html https://www.dictionaryofchristianese.com/list-of-words-by-alphabetical/

Warning, this podcast contains offensive language, and if that's the thing in this podcast that most offends you, your priorities are all kinds of fucked up. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter and by Catholic Starter, the crowdfunding source for city-states that spend all your charitable donations paying people not to get into too much detail about the child rape. Catholic Starter, because we can't sell the art we got from the Holocaust yet. And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Susan Gerbic, fearless leader and founder of the Gorilla Skepticism on Wikipedia project.

And we did indeed involve from filthy monkey humanoids. It's Thursday. It's August 2nd. And it's Dinosaur Day. Shout out to Satan for planning such an elaborate and exquisite fossil record. Right? I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Cincinnati, Ohio, and bumfuck nowhere, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll learn what Christians mean when they say they're a cool gimp.

Gwyneth Paltrow's goop company hires a stunt vagina. And Jeff Sessions apparently thinks it's the Just Us department. But first, the diribe. My wife's family doesn't exactly get what I do for a living. I mean, they're all nominally Christian, so it's not like i want to clear things up by playing them a couple episodes but but they seem to get that i do something on the internet that pisses off the baby jesus and the more i explain it the more they don't get it now for context keep in mind that these are people for whom words like religious and christian are just synonyms for good right? That was mighty Christian of him isn't in their minds a stab at all the other religions and the atheists.

It just means he did a good thing. When they hear a person is very religious, they take that to mean that they're studious in their morality. So, of course, when I say my show is anti-religious, they take that to mean that it's anti-good. In fact, the first time I ever told my niece I was an atheist, her immediate response was, isn't that evil though? But despite the linguistic difficulties, I think I might have made a breakthrough with one of them the other night. Because if there's anything that can demonstrate the vileness and horror of religion,

it's religion. And it just so happened that me and my sister-in-law were both confronted with it at the same time. So here's the story when my father-in-law stays here the house is filled with network television turned up insanely loud and it's it's just the same fucking channel he watches channel four damn it and he watches whatever's on that channel and whenever he takes a shit or something we mute it so we can have a conversation without ambient judge judy reruns in the background anyway at some point he goes to bed and the the TV's still on, but it's muted, so we never bothered to turn it off.

And crazy late that night, my sister-in-law gets off at work and swings by to see Lucinda for a bit. And we're talking post-programming late. We're talking infomercial late. So when Dorothy Hamill gets done trying to wordlessly sell us anti-aging skin cream, I glance up from the dining room table and see none other than Peter Popoff. And he's not there to sell us miracle cream. No, sir.

Cream, you see, has a cost. So he's cutting out the middleman and selling us plain old miracles. No cream need apply. Now, I'll do you the credit of assuming you've never seen Peter Popoff's miracle water infomercial. But yes, you heard me right. He's selling water with miracles in it. Well, okay, to be fair, he's giving away Miracle Water because he wants a mailing list self-selected for really desperate, stupid people. So you can call the 800 number on

your screen and he'll send you a McDonald's salt packet worth of Miracle Spring water along with a tiny little Jesus pamphlet. And then he'll send you shit for the rest of your life requesting a seed blessing. And now this is a scam we've talked a lot about on the show before. Hell, we watched a whole movie about it over on GAM. It's this particularly flagrant con where Christian preachers say, if you send God money, he'll return it tenfold. So, you know, if you desperately need some money, the wisest thing you could do is give it to the church. Hell, God can perform miracles, and apparently you can grease his palm on those. And Peter Popoff would be happy to help you launder your God bribe.

So throughout this infomercial, they're interviewing people who sent in seed blessings as little as $10 and got rewarded by God paying off their debts, granting them unexpected inheritances, and or curing their cancer because they said Peter, pop off money. Now, we talk about shit like this so often on the show, it's really easy for us to become numb to it. So I feel like I want to dwell here for a second on how unspeakably evil this is. This is a con artist who has chosen to specialize in fleecing the weak, vulnerable, destitute, and diseased. He'd be happy to take anybody's money, I'm sure, but his preferred mark is a poor old lady with cancer. Because every single one of these paid anecdotes he offers up is somebody saying, you know, they were about to foreclose on my house and I couldn't afford my son's asthma medicine. But then I sent a seed blessing to Peter Popoff. He's aiming his evil at the weakest among us. And Lucinda's just snapping pictures of the screen and bemused

disbelief. I'm offering up Peter Popoff trivia to anybody who wants it. And my sister-in-law is just gathering her jaw off the floor at the shameless audacity of all of this. And sensing a bit of an opportunity, I point out just then that this is what I fight against on this show. This is the malicious underbelly of religion that prompts some of us atheists to take it to task and hold it responsible for its consequences. Now, of course, her instinctive reaction is to try to draw some arbitrary line between what Popoff is doing and what real Christianity would have him do. But that's a pretty permeable argument to set to see on. I mean, sure, Popoff is more explicit about it, but all the people giving money to their churches are doing it to win God's favor,

right? To amplify God's message, to keep him happy in case you ever have cancer in need of curing. But it's not just the bottom feeders at the top that bear the blame here. Everyone who acts like miracles are a real thing deserves at least some of it, because when you act like something exists that doesn't, you're creating a commodity for a fraud. If you play along with the idea that God can grant miracles and answer prayers, you have helped to fill Peter Popoff's warehouse of steeply discounted divine intervention. And that is a powerful argument to confront. I know because it's the one that shook me loose. All that lingering neo-pagan bullshit I had to shed to get to atheism. You know, I played along with the magic thing and the tarot thing and all that shit.

And I insulated myself from guilt by saying, sure, I'm propagating a lie, but it's a fun lie. And at least I'm not charging anybody for it. But eventually I realized that if I wrapped a good cold reading around a deck of tarot cards, I was just priming a mark for the less scrupulous cold reader next in line. And look, it's not like my sister-in-law heard that argument and turned in her crucifix at the door or anything. She didn't renounce Jesus before me and pledge herself to the anti-theist cause. But for a a brief second there it was clear to me that at the very least she understood why i did they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the father and son to my holy ghost heathen right and eli

bosnick fellas are you ready to Trinity it up? If by that you mean Eli and I going to a father son picnic together and me yelling at him about sports failures then yes. You are not going to be happy when I tell you what I did to that baseball glove you put under my mattress. Okay, well quick

before we get any more details, we'll take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor Zip Recruiter. I had sex with it. Mr. Sessions, you wanted to see me? The Tyler's mess comes in-ses. Okay, but it's kind of dark and drippy in here. Did you have stalactites installed in your office?

Relax it. Of course you do. Okay, so what do you need from me? We need this Tyler's help for the new task force. Wants to protect the Jesuses. Right. Task force. Well, why don't you try ZipRecruiter?

Does not want to record on his zipses. Wants the whites as peepers. No, no, no. ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. The ZipRecruiter refines the peepers. No, no, no. ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. The ZipRecruiter refines as the peepers? That's right. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there.

With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experiences and invites them to apply to your job. ZipRecruiter is so effective that 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within one day. Come on, Dutch. Him too. With results like that, it's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is the highest rated hiring site in America. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. Ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. And, Tyler's, can through screens by wrist.

No, that's illegal. You can't. Sads. Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And now, back to the headlines. The smartest way to hire. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the God stoppo has arrived. Yep.

We have it now. During a speech at the Religious Liberty Summit that we apparently spend time and money on that exists. Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III announced this week that he's setting up a special forces team within the Justice Department just for protecting Christian people. You know, the oppressed, downtrodden group of Americans who worship an obscure Messiah figure from the first century known as Jesus Christ, I think it's pronounced. I've never heard of him maybe jesus christ something like that he you joke but the last 150 plus movies i've seen have been about how hard it is to be christian let me tell you except for black panther that was not about that right well right and also had the least magical black person in any of those movies though so just to be clear it's actually a religious liberty task force that's what he's calling it so technically it's not just for christians but uh i'm going to go ahead and guess that they won't be helping any imams sue for the right to build a mosque in lower manhattan

doubt that's going to be the focus so according according to Jeff Sessions, quote, the task force will help the department fully implement our religious liberty guidance. They have that. It's something he told them last fucking year. So continuing, in the cases they bring and defend, the arguments they make in court, the policies and regulations they adopt, and how we conduct our operations. That includes making sure our employees know their duties to accommodate people of faith, end quote. And, yeah, that sounds terrible, but the first draft just

said, die gay people die, read that back to me. I'm an elf, so it's evolving. And that might just be the most fucked up thing about it because what they've got first and foremost is an anti-gay task force, right? And they know they they can't call it that so they're disguising it as a pro christian task force a little like camouflaging your warplanes as attack helicopters except that

it'll work yeah well uh sessions also included a creepy little Braveheart section, which was weird about how American Christians are being persecuted by big data and Eurasia and East Asia. So he told the summit, quote, a dangerous movement undetected by many. It's invisible, challenging and eroding our great nation of religious freedom there can be no doubt it must be confronted and defeated end quote this is the attorney fucking general saying this yeah yeah telling us about a trend that you can tell is true by the lack of evidence for it and things things i never thought i'd miss white supremacy euphemisms yeah okay well here's the part i'm confused about everything that christian people want to do that's legal is already legal so they're not talking about that stuff. No, uh-huh. So, correct me if I'm wrong, that leaves crime.

That's it? No, crime. We have a new Justice Department task force of government employees that's just for helping religious people to make sure they're allowed to commit crimes. Do people not understand what all those words mean? Why is everybody not yelling about this? They're sincerely held crimes, Heath. Well, right. To make sure they're allowed to commit crimes. Do people not understand what all those words mean? Why is everybody not yelling about this? They're sincerely held crimes, Heath. Well, right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. So apparently we're playing this weird game of when to yell Nazi. It feels like a lose-lose. I can't think of any positive outcomes, but we're playing regardless. And it goes something like this. The administration keeps doing these absurdly horrible, evil, bigoted things. And we're trying to, you know, respond with the correct type of yelling instead of immediately going full Godwin.

So it's this terrifying lightning round for the last year and a half. Just like, I don't know, Russian spies, treason, Russians, but no, no. Okay, okay. Bigot judge, that's a bigot. Stop it. Stop it. Also him. Also him.

Also him. Okay, baby stealing. Stop stealing babies. That's baby stealing. You can't steal babies. That's what that is. But I feel like we might eventually need to yell Nazi. But I feel like we might eventually need to yell Nazi.

And the creation of a dedicated Holy Spirit squad in the Justice Department or Holy SS, that feels like it might be the moment. Nazi. I'm calling Nazi. Okay. Silver lining to this, though. Andrew Seidel on Twitter of the FFRF has just been quote tweeting everyone who's like, how about a task force to separate church and state? Just being like, that's us. That's what we do at the FFRF. Please join.

Please stop retweeting this high school girl and join the FFRF. Oh, it's okay. You guys are bored. I'll just go back to doing my channel lawyer. And in throwing the book near him news tonight, Cardinal Theodore McCarrick will finally face justice, trading the lavish lifestyle of one of America's highest ranking Catholic priests for the impoverished objection of a retired high ranking American Catholic priest. And as if that isn't enough, he was ordered by Pope franchise player to a life of prayer and penance. And he has to totally mean it, though. prayer and penance and he has to totally mean it though so you know that'll give him a little something to think about the next time he's tempted to sexually assault teens with impunity for the first 88 years of his life huh sorry no no you didn't let me finish and in addition to that punishment i just said uh he's gonna write that on the chalkboard 88 times i will not actually i'm sorry sir at a school

mother fuck sorry sorry sorry call the school right now somebody call school right now get school on the phone so yeah the former archbishop of washington was apparently deemed a little too osteoporotic for a full-blown slap on the wrist and thus this lesser punishment of still getting paid but not having to do anything quick before he died was instigated. Now, we should be clear that the first accusations against him were for things he did to teens. But the victims range in age from adults all the way down to one that was 11 years old. Which makes it... Not better.

Not better. Right, not better. That's what I was also going to say. We all agree. We all agree. Now, to be fair, this is just the papacy's initial reaction. The accusations against him still have to be adjudicated by

an internal Vatican trial, and they haven't even started to voir dire the kangaroos for that yet. But if past performance is anything to go by, he faces a maximum sentence of retiring to a palatial villa in Vatican City and promising to share all the kiddie porn on his laptop. And in Yeti or Not not here i come news tonight

the race that's so good yeah that's your best one ever there we go and that was for you the race for virginia's fifth district took a turn that's absurd for even trump's America this week. But it was revealed that Republican Denver Riggleman appears to be a proponent and author of Bigfoot erotica. Bigfoot erotica! That's right, Republicans. You had Nazis, you had KKK members, and Bigfoot fuckers now. Things have changed since Lincoln.

And this is a fun little moment to be watching the GOP. They either have to draw a line after neo-Nazis and the KKK, but before Yeti fuckers. Or they have to draw a line between yeti fuckers and whatever fucking comes next kind of painted themselves into a corner there they did who would have thought the problem with rule 34 is it wasn't inclusive enough it doesn't have to exist but but to answer your question he they feel like they gave up on the line drawing immediately after grab her by the right oh god they're just gonna not draw lines that's you're right i should that's what bad people do right wow so riggleman was called out by his opponent

in a tweet sunday that said quote my opponent denver riggleman running mate of cory stewart was caught on camera campaigning with a white supremacist now he has been exposed as a devotee of bigfoot erotica this is not what we need on capitol hill isn't it though uh gonna be super honest i care way way more about that first thing than the second yeah i feel like the lead's getting buried in this story right well no okay i'll tell you the lead that's getting buried four goddamn years we did 30 seconds on the clock where were you wriggleman you miserable motherfucker months we spent going shit did we already do gay catholic bird porn what about straight catholic bird porn and through it all this asshole was just biding his time with his fucking yeti erotica he didn't even need to

do the erotic just your name's denver wriggleman just tell us that we had that's a fucking week god damn it inconsiderate anyway the tweet is accompanied by a picture apparently from wriggleman's instagram of bigfoot with a giant penis well he's not gonna have a little penis right but i But I mean, even for Bigfoot, you're like, okay, that's, you don't call that animal Bigfoot. You call it big penis. So that Instagram picture led to the discovery that Riggleman has been promoting a book through a Facebook page called The Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him. That he wrote. He wrote that book.

Yeah. No, they have interesting mating habits it turns out bigfoot usually fucks japanese women because you know they both have those blurry genitals right no it matches okay so to be fair i hate it in wriggleman's defense, I guess, he says that the posts are a joke. At which point, literally every man in America who has shared their porn interests nervously cleared their throats and remembered all the times they were joking as well. Right. The point of the story, though,

is that Bigfoot and female orgasms belong together. That's what we're saying. That's the takeaway. Just want some proof. And in Uncle Tom's log cabin news tonight, the Georgia branch of the log cabin Republicans have chosen their candidate in Georgia's gubernatorial race. And as will surprise nobody, it's the guy who thinks they're going to burn in hell. Yep.

Yes. it's the guy who thinks they're gonna burn in hell yep yes so for those unfamiliar with log cabin republicans they're a national organization of gay republicans because in 2018 even self-hating can be a brand damn it yeah you know it's a tough call here in georgia though the governor's race offers citizens the choice of healing racial wounds and pushing back against the state's notorious reputation for bigotry by electing a supremely qualified moderate or cement that reputation for another hundred years by electing a guy whose primary qualification seems to be knowing 32 slurs for mexican that he's still allowed to say in tv ads it's a tough choice down here pretty sure it'll go the latter's way that's right. So the slur expert in question is Brian

Kemp. He's the Republican candidate in the race, and he somehow always manages to look like he's yelling at a girl's slumber party to quiet down. Pretty impressive. Okay. Just real quick, why do you know what that looks like? How about not

answering that on the air? Noah says I can't answer. He yelled at me. He says i can't answer yelled at me says i can't answer anyway seems like you wouldn't support the candidate who believes that someone's god-given right not to rent you your cabin or sell you your logs because you fuck dudes i don't know man isn't your whole you're gay like what yeah and just for the record they're called log cabin republicans because they like the inclusive nature of abe lincoln who was known for log cabins but what they're doing now it's like a coalition of black people campaigning for stephen douglas instead of abe lincoln

because they like the way douglas was going to lower taxes on the vanderbilt family right yeah fucking idiots right so now that said Kemp is as Noah mentioned also known for campaign ads where he promises to round up some illegals in his pickup truck and with a quick glance at the log cabin republicans member page being blindingly white

I think I found out what they have in common guys I think I figured it out wanting to fuck hispanic dudes in the ass and tough transition here. Can't say speaking of any of the things we were just talking about while introducing my wife. We're just going to take a break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Speaking of the. A man wrote the Bible.

A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man wrote the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race cooking can be fine hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage you know if you had nothing but my inbox to go by you could be forgiven for thinking all the religions just have a running bet on which one can punish women for the dumbest thing and honestly you could also conclude that with any amount of additional information, too. Our first contender this week is Islam. For that story, we're going to head over to Saudi Arabia,

where an unnamed woman was just sentenced to two years in prison for the heinous act of hugging. That's right. This venal harlot had the audacity to hug a man she wasn't married to publicly. The scene of the crime was a concert, and the audacity to hug a man she wasn't married to publicly the scene of the crime was a concert and the victim of the hug other than the eyes of all the decent people who had to witness so gruesome an act of a carnal lust was a popular male singer but yeah a garbage bag with eyes hugged a fully dressed man and that was too damn much female independence for saudi arabia and it probably seems like that's where i'd normally end a list like this, but let's face it, hugging doesn't serve any kind of survival function for anyone.

And that leads us to Salt Lake City, Utah, where we have a story about the Amish. Just kidding, it's the Mormons. And they're punishing a woman for not only having the audacity to have breasts in the first place, but for exacerbating that crime by actually using them to feed a baby in public. So to understand this story, you have to know about the Mormon membership card called the Temple Recommend, which is basically a permission slip from a bishop to be in a Mormon temple. Well, this woman's bishop refused to sign hers, and his reasoning apparently was that she was openly breastfeeding during services. She wasn't even ashamed. So according to the unnamed mother of four,

the bishop quoted to her from a Mormon pamphlet about modesty and told her she should cover up so that men don't have sexual faults. Now, she left the room, probably because it was that or rapist scrotum around his neck. And when she did, the stake president, whatever the fuck that is, started telling her husband that he needed to control his wife. And that if he didn't straighten her out, he too would be denied his temple recommend.

And to his credit, he told them to fuck themselves. So now he isn't allowed to come to their hideout anymore either. But as strong a showing as Islam and Mormonism made, our winner this week would be Catholicism, which continues to punish women for existing. I mean, to be fair, all the religions do that. It just so happens that my next story is about Catholics doing it. And it's not really news in that there's no new item I'm talking about here, but every so often we like to reiterate one of the most terrifying trends in American medicine, namely the Vatican buying up hospitals like a solitary game of Monopoly and then refusing to do procedures like tubal ligation, vasectomies, and of course abortions.

According to a new analysis by the FiveThirtyEight blog, the problem is getting worse in a number of ways. Not only is the rate they're buying them up increasing, but they're focusing on rural hospitals, which means the number of communities with no choice but a Catholic-owned hospital is rising even faster. As of 2016, which are the most recent numbers available, some 10% of all hospitals that are the only hospitals serving their communities are now Catholic. And to put that in perspective, that percentage has just about doubled since we started this show. So with my patent filling of impending doom, thus transmitted, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda.

And from the putting the Jew back in junior high file, a lawsuit filed last Monday is challenging New York's prolific exemptions to educational requirements afforded to ultra orthodox Jewish schools. And look, Judaism. I shouldn't have to explain this to you, but forcing a substandard education on a minority group is something that's supposed to be done to you. Right? You know how you guys are knocking down all the good schools in Palestine? It's like that.

If any group should have mastered being a reviled minority, I feel like it would be you guys, but you've got this one backwards. Okay. Two things. One, those schools are very close defenses. Two, in the Jews defense, when am I going to use algebra really does apply if you spend your whole life breeding and reading the same book, right? So like in there.

But see, that's kind of the problem because some of those kids might want to do something else okay so for context here there's a law in new york state that says all kids have to be given access to basic education but there's an exception thanks to an amendment right thanks to an amendment to the budget of the state's education law, ultra-orthodox schools are allowed to decide for themselves if their curriculum meets state standards. And they invariably decide that, yes, in fact, reading religious texts in Yiddish meets those standards with absolutely no education in math, English, history, science, physics, just like nothing else which means among other things that if graduates decide that they want a future other than rabbi or rabbi's wife they have their choice between unemployed and awkward prostitutes okay but to be fair there's pretty much nothing as attractive as uh broken english and sexual clumsiness plus you, you still get the unemployment money.

You don't have to declare that. I'm sorry, you want to talk exotic in a prostitute? Ashkenazi Jew? What? Little don't get me pregnant or our kid might have Tay-Sachs roleplay? Yes, please. Alright, well, so apparently

some Jews said to themselves, hey, you know, if somebody else was working to ensure we couldn't participate in the larger society, they'd be Nazis. So they filed a lawsuit. The plaintiff in the suit is a group called Yafet or Young Advocates for Fair Education. And they allege that these exceptions are unconstitutional as they represent a very real case of the state passing a law that endorses a religious choice. And the lack of any conceivable secular purpose for these ultra-narrow exemptions seems like a strong argument in their favor. I mean, that said,

nobody likes a nerdy Jew. I can just say right now. That is just you. I thought I was real clear about the clumsy and the... Alright. Well then. In CVSOS news tonight, sometimes medicine store, CVSS is trying to win itself back into my good graces this week when they fired a pharmacist for refusing to fill a

hormone prescription for a trans woman. Oh, for not doing his fucking job. That seems pretty clear cut. Well, but it's a selectively fireable offense at CVS, though, right? I mean, maybe you want to get a job there and keep shitting on things until you find the ones that'll get you fired, right? I am in undercover. Let's do it. So according to Hildy Hall, the trans woman in question, she finally got her prescription for hormones when the pharmacist in question denied her prescription, wouldn't give it back, and wouldn't give a reason.

What? Quote, he just kept asking loudly and in front of other CVS staff and customers why I was given the prescription. Oh my fucking God. Huh. Good question. It was to get you fired. That's what makes sense.

In about five minutes, you're going to laugh. I think he's never laughed. Now, here's the scary thing. I should point out, Ms. Hall lives in Arizona, which is one of the far too many states where pharmacists are allowed to just refuse to fulfill prescriptions

on moral grounds. Now, luckily for us, in this situation, why you don't got these drugs isn't a refusal as much as it is signs of early onset alzheimer's and so as i said the pharmacist in question was fired and miss hall got her prescription filled elsewhere i don't get why these christians want to be martyrs but not lose their jobs, though. Right? Like, taking a moral stand or thinking that's what you're doing should involve a willingness to sacrifice, right?

Like, not for nothing, but if it were just, like, letters from the Holiday Inn Express in Birmingham, that would have lacked some impact, wouldn't it? Maybe. Maybe. Room service is late again, brothers and sisters. Maybe, maybe. Room service is late again, brothers and sisters. So that said, we've seen more and more of these cases lately. And pharmacists, especially Christian pharmacists, listen, just you and me now.

You're like the third job to get replaced by a robot with a camera on it. Do you really? You want to be a nuisance right now? You want to bring attention to your job? I'm just saying. Like, no, I'm sure scooping pills in a bottle is really hard, but, you know, at no illusions. That's all I'm saying. I replaced that with at Heath Enright.

Who changed that back? At Heath Enright. At Heath Enright. I don't go on Twitter. And finally today, we have some news about Gwyneth Paltrow and her health and wellness blog called Goop. And I love these stories. Goop, by the way, I learned this week is based on her initials. What? Yeah.

Well, her full name is Gwyneth Kate Paltrow and G-K-P spells Goop. Well, after trying to call her business Goop for a while, Well, after trying to call her business K'Kup for a while, she decided to lose the K and add a double O after she figured out that beloved successful companies all have two O's, like Facebook and Monsanto and Blockbuster Video. Yeah, right. So that's what she did. You know, but I'm 100% willing to believe that G-O-O-P is to Gwyneth as M-O-O-N is to Tom Cullen, though, so it could just be that. Well, regardless of the title's origin, Goop is frequently called out for being full of dangerous nonsense. So GKP decided it was time for them to hire their very own fact checker. And this person will have

the most terrifying job ever created. If you already know about Goop. You know exactly why it's that terrifying. Marsh gets hired. He comes in the first day. Just smashes all the servers. Fact checked. There are now no lies on your website. He's just scrolling

and he's like, okay, I haven't even started yet. But Kate doesn't start with two o's i mean we're gonna take a long fucking time is what i'm saying or one oh it's not kate kate your middle name is not kate kate you're just you're getting it all wrong yeah so okay here's a quick review of some goop highlights that we've covered in the past in case anyone's not familiar. They sold jade eggs that you shove inside yourself in order to promote a long list of health benefits that emanate from a $60 rock inside your vagina. So basically the same as shoving six rolls of quarters in there, except, you know, you can't pay the parking meter with jade or whatever, rose quartz. So worse than shoving six rolls of quarters in your vagina.

What else? Demonstrably. Yeah, demonstrably worse. That's just like good utility for the quarters. Anyway, they also, for everyone who got bored with mouth coffee, they sold an apparatus for shooting coffee into your ass. That's a fun one. coffee. They sold an apparatus for shooting coffee into your ass. That's a fun one.

For people who wanted to combine the nothing of acupuncture with the bee stings of bee stings, they endorsed paying for that service I just described. It's called apitherapy, and it killed a woman earlier this year, just for the record.

And this one's my personal favorite. For everyone whose vagina needed a thorough cleaning before the next family of renters took it over, they sold a vaginal steam cleaner with a literal laser beam attachment. And now they're trying

to hire someone to fact check that stuff. Just him and the OSHA guy assigned to Willy Wonka's factory down in bottles at some shitty piano bar. Oh, dude. I wish

where I worked had four dead kids and a slave army of little people. I wish. You trade? You trade. Just trade. Yeah, so whoever this person ends up being this fact checker i'm assuming a woman because of all the the vagina stuff and the need to have an extremely high tolerance for pain women have more of that whoever it is i want to do nothing but follow her around

all day and watch she like she's gonna think it's basically a job with Snopes, but she's going to find out real fast that she's a dedicated tester for the vaginal destruction category of fact-checking. Probably didn't see that coming. She needs to have her own reality show. It's going to be just Deadliest Snatch or something like that.

I just want to see her walk into a bar after work and it's full of ice road truckers and shark wranglers swapping stories. She just waddles into the room with overpriced DVD rocks inside of her. She's covered in blistering burns from fucking lasers and vagina kettles. Swollen up like Stephen Baldwin from bee stings and pot full of coffee spraying out violently under pressure from the ass eggs. And she's just like, fuck all of you. This is called the solid gold ass cannon.

Hold my beer. All right. Well, while we check to see what Angelo would charge us to visually render that joke, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath Eli. Thanks as always. I'm. I have nothing here to add. well there you go and when we come back you'll realize we never really left and these breaks are just a contrivance of post-production

hey podcast listener do you like? Do you like our songs? You bet your ass you do. Well, if you remember, a few weeks ago, we asked you what our new Patreon goal should be. And one answer stood out from all the others. Kick Heath off the show. No, it was release an album of some of our favorite songs from all our shows. Kick you off the show. That's right.

So whether you want to bop along to Go Take a Public Shit in Oxford, Alabama in the shower or make Heath's Fuck Tour song the first dance at your wedding, you can help make that happen. I'm just saying, like, what would you say you do here at Puzzle? I started the show. You don't even edit. You don't do anything. I mean, we have Morgan now. It's not like

how much do you do? So head over to Patreon.com slash Scathingatheist. And when we hit our next goal, 3,666, we'll send a digital version of the album to our $5 and up patrons for free and a hard copy to our $10 patrons. So if you've been waiting to kick us a few bucks or even just a few bucks more, we're only a few hundred dollars away and there's never been a better time. That's my armrest. It's mine. It's mine.

I'm in the middle. The middle gets armrest. Guys. Eli started it. Also, if we hit our goal, I'll get paid more to deal with them. So consider that too. It doesn't even edit. You even know what program we use?

No. ZipRecruiter. no it's hypocritical since i moved back to georgia i've been struck by one reoccurring question more than any other what the fuck are these people saying and that's not just because the southern accent is the result of speaking really slow quickly it's also because the people around me are all evangelical christians and they've got a language of their own and and and that got me thinking it's been 67 episodes since we played a good game of what the fuck are you babbling about? It ends. All right, let's meet our contestants from Cincinnati, Ohio.

Heath Enright is a professional podcaster that somehow manages to stay single despite that. And from New York, New York, Eli Bosnick is a professional magician who wants to redact it. Fellas, are you ready to play? With a child, Noah. Alright, we've got three rounds of competition starting with multiple choice. I have three questions for each of you. They're worth five points apiece and you can steal if the other guy gets it wrong. Heath,

you didn't just say with a child so you'll start us off. Alright, let's do this. First question. With an, let's do this. First question. Multiple choice here. Multiple choice here. What is purpling? Is it A, pinching the head of your penis

until it gets numb and then feeling the tingle when blood returns to it later? No, I've heard of that. That's not called purpling. That's called the reverse stranger or the stranger danger pass. All right.

It was at B eating communion. Is it Z achieving higher rank in the Catholic church or acting in a way clearly designed to, or D what happens when boys and girls at youth camp get a little too friendly? All right. Well, I love that actually getting a higher rank and also sucking up for that purpose are possibly the same.

Pandering and achievement might be the same thing that feels super Catholic. I'm going to go. All right, judges. Oh, sorry, Heath. Good guess. But Eli, you've got a chance to steal the first question here. What? I'm going to go with B, eating communion?

No, I'm sorry. It actually is what happens when boys and girls at youth camp get a little too friendly. Oh, I thought it was going to be the penis thing for a second. Yeah. I thought for a second it was going to be the pinching the head of your penis. All right, Eli. This is going to be the pinching the head of your penis. All right, Eli.

When an evangelical lacks conviction, a critical Christian might accuse them of being A, evangel-y, B, evangel-y fish, C, an evangel-y bean, or D, all of the above. Okay. I'm going to go with B because not even Christians can think that people are jealous of them. All right. Is it B? Oh, sorry. I like to steal. You have a chance to steal.

What is your answer? D, all of the above. And that's because it's always D, all of the above. It's always D, all of the above. If that's one of the choices. Yes, exactly. Jelly bean? Yes, even jelly bean. I love that only one out of three of these was underlined by spellcheck.

Even jelly and even jellyfish, like even spellcheck knew about. Apparently. Yeah, exactly. All right, Heath, your next question. What is a woman corner? Is it A, where that bitch can sit and think on what she done is it b any corner with no women in it c the rear corner of the church furthest from the door so-called because adulterous women tend to sit there or d any street corner where there

might conceivably be prostitutes and thus any street corner or street curve yeah um okay uh well the answer to my first one was c uh but no one knows i would think about that and he would then try to double or triple bluff all right or he would just use a random number generator on google for all i fit damn it don't okay ruin my whole thing now. Alright. Well, I feel like Nathaniel Hawthorne is exactly the type of hacky fucking author that Christian people would try to reference to sound smart.

Yeah. I'm going with the Scarlet A corner where the adulterous women sit. Okay. First time I've ever heard Nathaniel Hawthorne described as a hack. Whatever. Write a fucking ending. You can't think of an ending, so it's going to be ambiguous and it's fucking deep.

Fuck you. Write something. Come up with an answer. Finish your story. Dick. Alright, so is that correct, judges? Eli, you have a chance to steal. Okay, it's D. Any street corner where there could be prostitutes and thus any street corner. I'm sure I understand why your mind stayed there, but no, I'm sorry. The answer actually is A, where that bitch can sit and think on what she's done.

It's literally, it's the corner of the church where women are allowed to sit as opposed to a men corner where the guys sit. Oh, Jesus. I thought it was going to be like the corner of the truck. Yeah, probably deliberately deceptive there. I don't mind saying it. All right, Eli, what is the stained glass ceiling? Is it A? I got to say, it sounds like something I get yelled at on Twitter for even mentioning.

All right. I got to say, it sounds like something I get yelled at on Twitter for even mentioning. All right. Is it a an object of worldly beauty that stands between you and God? B, a euphemism for the highest rank in a church attainable by women. C, a euphemism for the cultural differences between church and secular communities. Or D, heaven. Okay. So you didn't answer a bar that me and Heath went to in Japan so I know it's not that

that was a table though so I'm going to say B and for bonus points bonus points the rank would be broodmare I want to say broodmare B and for bonus points I want broodmare highest rank church that sounds right that's definitely what that phrase Broodmare. B, and for bonus points, I want broodmare. Highest ranked church attended by women, broodmare.

That sounds right. All right. Well, I mean, that's definitely what that phrase should mean. No! But Heath, any guesses? Oh, chance to steal. Gah. No whammies.

Whammies. Tricky. Psych out. Psych out. Psych out. I'm going to say object of worldly beauty that stands between you and God. A. That's a great guess, but I'm sorry.

The answer is C because holy shit, do they not give a fuck about sexism? They're actually using that for some other purpose. Amazing. Random number generators, bullshit. Whatever. All right. One more question each in round one. Heath, if a Christian were to say to you, I agape you, what would they mean?

Would they say that? They might. For real? A, that you're incomprehensible. Okay. B, they can't find a way to reach you. C, they can put their legs behind their head and want to show you. Or D, they love you.

Okay. Well, can't be that last one. Nobody will ever say that to me ever again. That's fun. Almost 37. Fine. I'm going to go with B, they can't find a way to reach me because they don't know what the word agape means or how to easily reach me with agape stuff. All right, judges. Oh, I'm sorry. easily reach me with a gape stuff. If they do know what that means.

Alright, judges. Oh, I'm sorry. Eli, another chance to steal. It's always been what I don't understand. It's D. They love him. They love Heath. The only people that will ever love him are Christians.

Alright, judges. Do we finally get to hear what the ding-ding sound sounds like? Yes, that is correct is correct apparently a gape is a greek word that means unconditional love and it's used in the bible to denote the love that god had for us so if they really really really love you they get to say they agape you and eli gape spending time with you. All right. So, Eli, last question around one. What does it mean if someone has sloppy a gape?

Okay. Okay. Again, I didn't make any of these up. A. They haven't been using the ointment as directed. B. They love God so much they're not caring for themselves physically C they affirm love of God lavishly but don't back it up with action or D they haven't figured out that the wicker waste basket in their bedroom needs some kind of liner in it or something okay uh well I've been through A nobody ever told me I had a sloppy Gabe so'm going to go with my usual strategy of copying off Heath's answers. I'm going to go with C.

C. They affirm love of God, but they don't back it up with action. What? Two points. That is correct. There's no way. Well done. This game is bullshit.

Bound to happen eventually there. All right. So at the end of round- If Eli beats me at something the universe is going to implode on itself it's a big problem this is only round one don't worry there's still time to catch up and guess what the score is 10 to 5 in Eli's favor now in the next round why did he get points because he answered correctly I forgot I have audio evidence all right so now in the next round I'm going to give you guys a common Christian acronym, and I'll ask you to tell me what it means.

Whoever gives me the best answer will win 10 points. And if one of you guys actually hits the right answer, it'll be worth 25. So, Eli, you're in the lead. You get the first crack at this one. Christians love to co-opt what the kids are saying these days. So what would cool, C-O-O-L, mean to a christian uh okay c-o-o-l a christian on only lemons it's a keto thing there's a keto slash christian thing and heath I'm going to say Christ Kate Paltrow. I'm going to say Christ.

Ooh, Lord. Well, actually, you damn near nailed it because you went with something really stupid. It's Christ, our only Lord. That's 10 points to Heath. All right. All right. Heath, you get to Heath. All right. All right. Heath, you get to go first on this one. What would a Christian mean if they told you they got high?

Okay, I'm going to say they got herpes in God's house. Hepatitis. They got fucked by a priest. They got fucked by a bloody priest. If you're a Catholic. Sad one. With a sloppy agape. All right, and Eli, I think I actually know this one. Is it held in God's hands?

Oh, dude, you so almost know it. You were off by two letters. I liked Heath's better, but you were only two letters away. The correct answer was healed in God's hands. Oh, but I still get 10 points because it was better. Yeah, no, no, no. He still gets the 10 points because it was better. Yeah, no, no, no. He still gets the 10 points because that was so fucking close.

And it's better for me if I keep the score close here, so that round three matters. Okay, Eli, what would a Christian mean if they told you they had lice? They've been separated from their parents at the board. Oh, we're doing the acronym thing.

We're still doing the acronyms, yeah. Living in christ's image image with an e dude you wrote that ahead of time you couldn't think of a word that begins with the letter e any word eli great great living in Christ's Eli. Okay. They told me they have lice. L-I-C. They have lawyers in cake emergencies. Okay. Well, not only was Heath's better

than Eli's, but it was also better than the real one, which was life in Christ eternal. So that's going to be 10 points for Heath. Yeah. Okay. And Heath, you get the first crack at this one as well. When a Christian hears you tell them that you're too busy, what does it mean to them? Oh, like I'm saying that? Yeah. Okay. I'm blessed under Satan's yoke.

Hashtag blessed by Satan. And Eli? Basking under the stare of yahweh all right this is a tricky one but if you think about it okay if there's one thing we've learned watching christian movies it's that only evil people and bad parents are ever busy so and heath once again you damn near nailed this the answer is being under satan's yoke oh really fucking close because only the devil would ever make you earn money or get stuff so 10 points to heath and finally because i swear i'm not making any of these up but i want that to be as hard to believe as possible what does the love and and Salvation blog's list of Christian acronyms say that GIMP stands for?

I want to point out, I did not cheat, but I am looking this up immediately when we are done here. I can't. I can't be real. It cannot be real. The whole reason I'm doing this again is because I found this one. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. I'm going to go with God in my pants. whole reason i'm doing this again is because i found this one yeah absolutely okay i'm gonna go

with uh god in my pants it has to be sexual right yeah agree okay i'm i'm going same theme god is my pimp maybe or god inspires my penis i feel like that's pretty strong god god insists miscegenation prohibited yep Ooh, I like that. Yep. All right. Well, obviously, all of those choices are badder. The real answer is God is my provider. Apparently, they had no idea.

And even though I liked Heath's last one the best, I'm going to give the 10 points to Eli just to keep round three interesting. Ooh. There you go. I could win. I could win. Burgundy ribbon for you, buddy. Participation trophy.

All right. Well, after two rounds, we've got a super tight race here. Heath has 35 points to Eli's 30. Now, in this round, these questions are worth 25 points each, and each of you will get a crack at them. You can both get them right, potentially.

And just to make it a little harder, we're going to go with some Mormon multiple choice here. And we can both get them right potentially and just to make it a little harder we're going to go with some mormon multiple choice here all right we can both get them right yeah yeah exactly and then you both get the 25 points it's tricky so heath okay you're in the lead you get the first crack at question one what would it mean if a mormon spoke of burning in the bosom would it mean a the holy ghost is confirming the truth of the Book of Mormon via gastric reflux? B, the feeling you get from the sin of a dead person you act as a baptism

proxy for? C, the Mormon form of stigmata as their martyr was shot in the chest? Or D, they had heartburn? Oh, man. B and c are super tempting uh but i think no i'm going out i think i'm gonna go d heartburn i mean that's easily confused with

under boob rash from running or doing no exercise and not showering. But yeah, I get heartburn. All right. He's got D. What do you have, Eli? I need it to be C. Please tell me it's C. More than anything, I need it to be C. And the answer is A.

It's actually that the Holy Ghost is confirming the truth of the Book of Mormon. Other people might think it's heartburn, but that's what the Holy Ghost has been doing all the while. I really wanted to be c and i made c up eli and i still wanted it to be c all right so no points in that one he's still in the lead by five in mormonism what is a court of love is it a an overly flamboyant and theatrical will you go out with me note is it b a church court convened to discipline a church member? C, a parking lot with a basketball hoop at the beginning of one third of all Mormon movies? Or D, the celestial court God will convene to determine who does and doesn't get a planet after the rapture?

Okay, it has to be D. There's nothing more Mormon than litigious gods arguing about who gets entire planets after the universe explodes. It's definitely D. All right. And Eli? I don't know. Passive aggressively bringing someone up in front of their entire community and then disciplining them is pretty Mormon. I'm going to go with B.

B. And the answer is B. It's a 20 point advantage for Eli going into the final question. Uh oh. He has to answer this one first. Otherwise, he can just answer the same as me no matter what. Yeah, but he wouldn't have figured

that out if you didn't say it. Don't fuck it up. All right, Eli, you do have to answer first though okay finally what is the deseret alphabet is it a the alphabet the doctrines and covenants were written in since the reform egyptian lie was already fallen apart by then was it b a secret alphabet the mormons designed to make it harder for people to know how silly their book is, dubious spelling customs retrofitted onto Joseph Smith's writing to make some of the more egregious falsehoods excusable.

Or D, a way for early Mormons to sneak Ovaltine ads into the Pearl of Great Price. I'm going to go with C, dubious spelling customs retrofitted into Joseph Smith's writing to make some of the more egregious falsehoods excusable.

I'm going to go with C. All right. That's for the game. Heath, what do you got? Okay. It feels like secret alphabet to hide how silly we are is basically all of the above. Not sure how you spell away a wooden submarine from Israel to Mexico,

but yeah, I'm going to go with B, secret alphabet designed to make it harder for people to tell how silly the book is. All right. For all the marbles, the correct answer is B. That's right. If you nailed it, the final score is going to be 55 to 60. I hate being a new guy. Yes, well, Eli made a valiant effort by accumulating 55 points. That's 60 points for Heath, proving that Heath has tried to fuck more Christian chicks.

Congratulations, Heath. You've proved today that you're better than Eli. And that's going to do it for today's edition of What the Fuck Are You Babbling About? Yeah, beating me. I'm going to find a gate soon. Before we scatter this script's ashes tonight, I want to remind you that we're gearing up for another Patreon-only AMA,

so if you're a patron, you don't always check the Patreon feed. Be on the lookout for a request for questions and an announcement on the date soon. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't always check the patreon feed be on the lookout for a request for questions and an announcement on the date soon anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m eastern time on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday

obviously this episode will be rejected during its physical if i neglected to thank heath enright for his wit luc Lucinda Lutions for her wisdom, and Eli Bosnick for his winterization. Very well insulated against the cold, you see. I also want to thank friend of the show, Susan Gerbick of the Gorilla Skepticism on Wikipedia Project for providing this week's Firesworth quote. Incidentally, if you've

ever looked up something pseudoscientific on Wikipedia and thought to yourself, huh, they actually nailed that, you probably have Susan to thank for it. If you want to learn more, you can hear my interview with Susan on episode 132 of this show, or you can follow the link on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Tom, David, Sean, Ben, Feel the Steel, Micah, and Daniel. Tom, David, Sean, and Ben were so synonymous with impressive members that being overconfident

is sometimes referred to as being Tom, David, Sean, and Ben, sure. And Feel the Steel, Michael, and Daniel, who are so hot, sex thinks about having them. Together, these seven savvy savants save the sovereignty of our saver-savaging severity this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some of it to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll learn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, bonus stuff, swag, and get us closer to releasing our album. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button

on the right side of the homepage at ScathingADS.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingADS.com. KDS.com. So the new album absolutely needs Melania and Jeff Sessions singing the duet from Aladdin.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.