The Scathing Atheist - 288: Abandoned Edition

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

In this week’s episode, Noah stops going easy on the Catholics, a person named Cody Coots does something exactly as intelligent as he sounds, and Mormons will somehow become easier to insult. Come see us in London! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Pope Francis Urges Catholics to Pray and Fast in Response to Child Sex Abuse (lead?) http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/08/20/pope-francis-urges-catholics-to-pray-and-fast-in-response-to-child-sex-abuse/#lrQwLDXU1vL4Jl4Q.99 And Bill Donohue: Child Sex Abuse Really a Gay Problem: https://www.catholicleague.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/PA-GRAND-JURY-REPORT-DEBUNKED1.pdf Mormon President: God Told Me To Tell You To Stop Calling Us “Mormons” http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/08/16/mormon-president-god-told-me-to-tell-you-to-stop-calling-us-mormons/#jf3BCI2M3EEPQ8BC.99 It’s Official: Batman’s an Atheist http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/08/16/its-official-batmans-an-atheist/ Florida latest state to require “In God We Trust” signs in every school: https://nypost.com/2018/08/13/in-god-we-trust-signs-must-now-be-displayed-in-all-florida-schools/ and https://ffrf.org/news/news-releases/item/32798-project-blitz-targets-schoolchildren-with-godly-agenda Son of pastor who died from snake bite nearly dies from snake bite (again): http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/08/18/son-of-pastor-who-died-from-snake-bite-nearly-dies-from-snake-bite-again/#BalBwS8JSPzShBsG.99

Warning, we were going to do a profanity-free episode this week, but then we were like, ah, fuck it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the unhealthy psychological need to win the approval of strangers. Guys, we can't do this every week. I mean, I feel like it's true. That's what we're brought to you by every time. Okay. And by Stamps.com. And by 4Hims.com.

And now, The Skating Atheist. Hi. This is your friendly neighborhood foxhole atheist. And based on what I saw at the two different boot camps that I went to, we definitely evolved from filthy monkey men and women.

It's Thursday. It's August 23rd. And it's National Sponge Cake Day. Is it? So big shout out to whoever was washing dishes and thought, you know, I wish I could fucking eat this. I want to eat this. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Noah stops going easy on the Catholics. A person named Cody Coots

does something exactly as intelligent as he sounds. And Mormons will somehow become easier to insult. But first, the diatribe. It's like the old Peanuts gag. If instead of pulling away the football every time Charlie Brown went to kick it, Lucy had raped his kids. See, I don't know how you spent your weekend,

but I spent it curled up by the fire with a 900-page grand jury report out of Pennsylvania. I didn't read the whole thing because a lot of it's redacted, but I read a bunch of it. I spent the whole weekend reading about priests and lawyers conspiring to discredit victims about blackmail and threats and about them prying into the sex lives of teenagers in an effort to accuse them of seducing their rapists i read about ruined lives about suicides about substance abuse about a dad in Erie who was so terrified of touching men that he'd never hugged his sons. I read about inhuman levels of negligence. I read about a sadistic pedophile the Catholic authorities bounced around for years before they finally

had to let him go. But don't worry about him. They gave him a glowing letter of recommendation when he applied for a job at Disney World. That's what's in the goddamn report. And I had to read it for myself because I can't really trust anybody in the media to actually report on what's there without underselling the fuck out of it. Like the New York Times, their headline said, Catholic priests abused a thousand children

and Pennsylvania report says, but that's not what it says. What it says is they can identify 1,000 specific victims. The report says they abused thousands of others too. But it's not just these misleading headlines. A lot of mainstream accounts leave out the fact that this jury's report was based almost entirely on documents received from the Catholic Church. So when the Pope goes out there and wipes a single tear from his eye for the victims, we should be super clear of the fact that he learned exactly zero new things from this.

This shit was in their files. And all we've got is the ones they turned over to the grand jury. I mean, consider how important this is to know if, for example, you then go on to argue that the problem is in the past. The problem isn't the past. The goddamn records they're willing to show you are from the past. The problem isn't the past. The goddamn records they're willing to show you are from the past. 300 predator priests identified in the report, two of whose crimes weren't beyond the statute of limitations. Keep in mind that the Catholic authorities weren't just keeping a tally on the rapist so they could adjust the leaderboard or anything. In virtually every circumstance, the documents turned over to the grand jury were communications about victims that were

threatening lawsuits or public disclosure. Right. It was only when their money or their veil of secrecy was threatened that they reacted. So the only predators we know about are the ones whose victims came forward forcefully. You know, the report also has a bunch of stories of people trying to tell a trusted priest about what happened to them when they were a kid and being told stuff like, OK, but don't tell me his name. And OK, well, let's just pray and try to forgive him. These people may not have been in a position to shuffle him to the next parish, but damned if they're not still complicit, right? But that's the real question, isn't it? How far does it go? I mean, at this point, are we all complicit? It's a fair question. I mean, I've been doing this show since January of 2014, and I don't know that there's been a single week where I've been combing through the headlines and not found another story we could run about this scandal, this one ongoing perpetual worldwide scandal.

We've even had production meetings where we have to ask questions like, OK, so exactly how rapey does a Catholic priest have to be before it's newsworthy? I mean, Cardinal McCarrick, the Australian Royal Commission's final report, the Pope referring to sex abuse allegations in Chile as calumny. Cardinal Pell's indictment, Archbishop Wilson, the conviction of child porn distributing Vatican diplomat Carlo Capella. That's all just shit from this year. Right. You attack on the Pennsylvania report. You've literally got a major scandal every month. And still, you've got a media going out of their way to present the child rape cabal side of the story. You've got the pope coming out with some bloviating bullshit about how they promised to try super hard not to cover up any more of the child rape that they're currently covering up. And the media makes that the headline. the media makes that the headline pope super serious this time not pope fails to implement changes recommended by grand jury report and australian royal commission and every other independent body that's looked into this problem makes hollow promises instead shouldn't that be the fucking headline and it's not just the media sucking the pope's dick here after the pope rips

off a disingenuous letter that has as its precept that he somehow didn't know any of this shit that was contained in these documents the vatican has had for decades none other than the goddamn attorney general of pennsylvania josh shapiro called francis's letter powerful and said quote the pope has long been a fighter for the defenseless end quote keep in mind that the entire time he's been the Pope, they've had all these fucking documents. They could have released him at any time. He's still actively covering up evidence of ongoing child abuse and rape, and the AG in charge of defending his child victims is going out of his way to praise him for adding for realsies

this time. Hell, even the grand jury report itself pulls its punches when it comes to the present leadership. Again, keeping in mind that the archdiocese refused to hand over most of these documents and fought against the subpoena the grand jury issued, then fought against the report getting issued. The report goes out of its way to say the archbishop they talked to that's in charge now seems super sincere about trying harder not to cover up all that child rape in the future. The guy that just got finished

fighting to keep him away from the secret trove of child rape evidence that he had. They couldn't point to anything he'd done or was doing or was planning to do that would help, by the way. They literally just said he seemed sincere. And when you have the media giving equal time to the rapists or better than equal time actually when you got politicians that acquiesce on things like child rape statutes of limitations when you've got a society where even the atheist news shows are going do we really need to cover yet another story about these guys raping kids at what point is it everybody's fucking fault at what point do we owe all these victims not just the ones from the past mind you you, but the ones the Catholic Church is raping right fucking now are apologies. Look, the Vatican could voluntarily release all

the documents they're still holding instead of getting them subpoenaed one archdiocese at a time. They could also stop using NDAs when they reach settlements with victims and politicians could pass laws forcing their hands. They could also pass laws removing the statute of limitations on child rape retroactively. The media could stop couching their coverage in the fiction that most Catholic priests said nothing to do with this. They could stop acting as the Pope's uncompensated PR agent every time he says, well, maybe gays aren't that bad after all. There are simple things that could be done and nobody's doing them so why aren't they i get why the vaticans covering their ass they're evil but what about the politicians on both sides of the aisle and the media on both sides of the bias why are they so willingly complicit

well the answer should be obvious if for no other reason than this is a diatribe. The real problem here, the actual culprit underpinning the whole goddamn catastrophe is the religion. I mean, were all these bishops involved in the cover up just unspeakably evil or had they convinced themselves that the house of God was more important than the virginity of that kid? Right. We could believe it's just pure evil. But when you look at the internal letters exposed by the grand jury report, you can see the tortured logic in them. It's fucked up beyond all belief. Their morals are all out of fucking line, but they think they're protecting God here. They're protecting the integrity of God's representatives on earth. Right. And that's the big missing piece in all the commentary.

I mean, it's in the report if you care to confront it. One victim described to the grand jury the power of the priest in the Catholic world, quote, there wasn't anybody that was more important than not him, but any priest. They are much above anyone else in your family, or they are God in the flesh, end quote. A woman testified that even after her grandson told her about the abuse, he still wanted to go to church because, quote, the religion was very important to him and he was so afraid of going to hell that I think that's why he stuck with it, end quote. When asked why they kept sending their five kids to Catholic schools after three of them were molested by the same teacher, a mother told the grand jury she said it was the only way to get her daughters into heaven that she knew of. The other two kids were eventually also molested, by the way.

So you can't walk too far down this road before you start seeing these foundational problems. When you speak for an ultimate authority that doesn't exist, you become an ultimate authority. This is the necessary byproduct of an independent and organized system of moral authority that exists alongside the legally sanctioned one. And despite Todd Starn's sweat laden fever dreams, nobody in the mainstream media or in American politics has the guts to point that out yet. So they pretend the problems in the past and that the bad guys are good now, not because they're looking for a way to excuse the pope or catholicism or god they're looking for a way to sleep at night they're talking about your jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the frankincense and gold of my mer

heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to come unto a child king? Okay, first we have a giant meeting about this, and then you give me this setup. I need you to pick a lane. No, I need to go home. Andrew cried. Weird. Alright, well, I'm ready, but I call gold. I feel like

you gave me frankincense. Like, who the fuck cares about those other two things? If there's gold and two types of incense? It's a weird comment gold but yeah all right well it looks like eli and i have to have the homophone talk again so we're gonna take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor hymns i'd like gay people hi i'm crunch biggins from typical hair loss prevention experience are you watching tv at 4 a.m did know that 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35? Well, whatever you do, don't go to 4hims.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.

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You'll save time and money. With typical hair loss prevention experience, we'll sew pillow stuffing to the top of your skull. It'll make your friends go, oh my God, what did he do? What did he do? I used to be balding, but thanks to typical hair loss prevention experience, I'm balding and I look like Pinhead's unmotivated son. Thanks, typical hair loss prevention experience. So so like i said please do not go to fourhims.com and order now scathing listeners get a trial month of fourhems for just five dollars today right now while supplies last see website for full details this would cost hundreds if you

went to the doctor or pharmacy but it can cost way more than that if you wait and buy what i'm not legally allowed to call hair from a tv commercial right after a girl's gone wild ad spot so again do not go to fourhims.com scathing that's f-o-r-h-i-m-s.com scathing fourhims.com scathing don't go there because why keep your hair when you can replace it with guitar strings and glue my hairline's like an inch above my eyebrows now. That's where it goes. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, even after that long-ass diatribe, I'm not quite finished with the fucking Pope yet. So, for those of you just joining us, the Pope is the Officer Renaud of Comet Ping Pong. the officer renault of comet ping pong and he was recently shocked shocked to find out that the state of pennsylvania wasn't the single geographic location where catholic priests weren't actively

suborning the law against child molestation and rape for the last century plus i mean at this point the pope pretending to be surprised by child rape is like a farmer pretending to be surprised by corn. Again? I swear. I drop a little bit of water and some seeds on the ground and every shit just fits. I guess I'll cut it down and sell it. And just because we gave out children of the corn necklaces to the hot kids with corn shaped asses, that is unrelated. We just really like that movie. That movie's good.

Whatever. So in the wake of the aforementioned grand jury report, the Pope penned a letter that said the Catholic Church needed to condemn these atrocities again and called upon Catholics the world over to fix the problem through prayers and fasting. Because, come on, he's already done all he can really do, right? What is he going to do? Not disband every independent council that looks into this scandal? He's going to stop actively standing between

indicted child rapists and extradition. Stop talking crazy, guys. Just wish and stop eating. Okay, wish and stop eating is the same advice I got from my doctor. So that spooked me out there. Topical. All right, so the hollow and heartless words of the pope though were far from the worst response to this report by catholics and

since i said worst response and catholics in the same sentence you already know that it's time to talk about head of the catholic league and rejected dig dug villain bill donahue oh that's really good in the aftermath of the grand jury report he he rushed out an 11-page report of his own titled Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report Debunked. What? Oh, my God. It's the worst. First of all, he tried to make it look just like the other grand jury report with the same fonts and shit just to be a dick. But then he defends the church inside of it by pointing out things like, you know, most of the victims weren't even penetrated, and a lot of them even had pubes.

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure he also called the Catholic Church the best institution in the world, public or private, in terms of pedophilia. Is that what he said? Yes, that's a quote. I'm pretty sure he said that. Kind of makes you wonder about the uh tournaments that affect those rankings that he's talking about because that's fucking terrifying also makes you wonder how a scrappy podcast with a glimmer in its eye might join such a tournament moving on but as if donahue's defenses weren't offensive enough he also goes on the offense and claims that quote it's been a homosexual scandal all along end quote the worst

guy oh after a few ranty paragraphs that include quotes like the new york times which has been covering up for homosexuals for a long time end quote he backs up his assertion by i shit you not pointing out that 81 of the victims were boys and therefore gayness accounts for at least four-fifths of the problem. Gee, it's almost like when you spend your entire career demonizing relationships between consenting adults, you

lose the ability to tell the difference between that and the victimization of children. Who knew there were consequences to homophobia? Yeah, couldn't have guessed that shit. I'm just going to go ahead and say it now, bigots. Avoid all the fifth-based solutions in the future. Just going forward. Lesson learned.

And in no-mo-mo-for-show-show news tonight, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, President Russell M. Nelson got a message from God this week, letting us know the time has come. It is of the utmost importance that we all vague up how we talk about his church a bit. Man, you know shit is post-fan when you're asking your PR guy, okay, how can you make us sound less like us, though? Indeed.

So along with a brief statement, church of jesus christ of latter day saints never gonna fucking happen no released an updated style guide for those who write about the church and you know given how often we talk about these motherfuckers i thought we should you know check in so you guys ready here's here is the complete style guide. Quote, in the first reference, the full name of the church is preferred the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When a shortened reference is needed, the terms the church or the Church of Jesus Christ are encouraged. No. The restored Church of Jesus Christ is also accurate and encouraged. Accurate even.

I'd appreciate it if you guys called us Sting from now on. No. In fact, if you could just call us the monogamist whose views on American history is A-OK, that would be awesome. That would be super awesome. Spoilers, Noah. Yeah. Spoilers. Okay.

So it continues. for awesome spoilers noah yeah okay so it continues while the term mormon church has long been publicly applied to the church as a nickname it is not an authorized title and the church discourages its use thus please avoid using the abbreviation lds or the nickname mormon as substitutes for the name of the church as in mormon church lds, or Church of the Latter-day Saints. Oh, even that's out, huh? Wow. Well, looks like Jordan Peterson won't be getting that job at BYU anymore. That's unfortunate.

You know, for some reason, my Patreon to keep calling them Mormons hasn't reached $60,000 yet. It's weird. I don't... In forced language and everything. So it goes on, when referring to church members, the terms members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

or Latter-day Saints are preferred. We ask that the term Mormons not be used. But you can call us saints in the flesh if you want to. Okay, how about fucking nutters? You don't address that directly. Can I still call you fucking nutters? They do not, so I'm going to say yes on their behalf.

It continues. Mormon is correctly used in proper names, such as the Book of Mormon. Good to know. Or when used as an adjective in such historical expressions as mormon trails okay sorry sorry we changed it again uh call us the church formerly known as this picture of the noun known as verbs that rule will be known as okay here we go this is they're getting offended

now you ready for the offense oh yeah the term mormonism is inaccurate and should not be used when describing the combination of doctrine culture and lifestyle unique to the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints the term the restored gospel of jesus christ is accurate and preferred accurate and preferred yes okay sorry last one last. Promise we're getting too silly. From now on, we're the Mormon Church of eki, eki, eki, eki, zumpa.

We demand to be taken seriously. This is serious. We're a church. I mean, for what it's worth, I agree that the term Mormonism shouldn't be used to describe one's culture or lifestyle. I get there by a different road is all and finally this is my favorite this exact quote when referring to people or organizations that practice polygamy it should be stated that the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints is not affiliated with polygamous groups what except for you know in history

and now well i love that like just anywhere in the world that you're talking about a polygamous act you have to say by the way they're not mormons of the restored and accurate apostolic fucking teachings of the new jesus. The best Jesuses, guys. The real Ghostbusters. And in the Capes No Savior news tonight, move over, Kevin Bacon. There's a new fictional atheist in town and his name is Batman. Eli, real quick. Kevin Bacon is not fictional.

He's an actor. Okay, Heath. There's a real. Kevin Bacon is not fictional. He's an actor. Okay, Heath. There's a real actor made entirely out of bacon. Okay. Just move on. According to issue 53 of the latest Batman series, the Caped Crusader and the world's greatest detective doesn't believe in God and

that is fucking stupid. Wait, why? Because he's met several gods and their avatars. You know what? He was on a super team with two of them. He kicked the shit out of a few of them. And he fucking was a god for a second there.

Okay. And plus, Batman was in Batman Begins with morgan freeman who was god in bruce almighty who was in the bucket list with jack nicholson who was a few good men with kevin bacon boom checkmate atheists okay now let's be fair to to bats uh from what i can tell about this series it scrubs out most of that past or at at least doesn't acknowledge it. And I should admit that I haven't read Batman since I realized it's about a billionaire who dresses up in a costume to beat up mentally ill people because he didn't want to go to therapy. So it kind of wrecked that for me. Wait, so now you masturbate to it instead of reading it?

I'm confused. You just described your vision board. I've seen it. It's like almost down to the word. Also, what did you think it was before? I don't want to get into it. I thought he was like Sherlock Holmes. He was a cool guy.

And then I started thinking about the words billionaire. Then I was like, all of his villains dress up in costumes too. And they always go to an asylum. And he puts them there. And then they break out. The world is even aware that they're ill. costumes too and they always go to an asylum and he puts them there and then they break out so like the world is even aware that they're ill anyways as he met us over at the friendly atheist blog pointed out the portrayal is largely positive i mean yes he's an atheist because his parents are

dead it's not perfect but he doesn't like find jesus by the end of the comic or serve as an atheist punching bag he just doesn't believe in God. And you know what? I think that's a good thing. If only, maybe, because DC will stop throwing out my story pitches where Batman beats up the Pope. Come on! But still, I mean, that's

pretty cool. An atheist superhero? I wonder what that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. Atheist man! Help, atheist man! They're putting the Ten Commandments up at my school! Have no fear!

Thanks, atheist man! Kinda took out the wall there, though. Morality is objective! Okay. Okay. Okay. Atheist man, help! My senator is trying to pass a heartbeat bill! Not on my watch!

Oh! You, uh... melted his head! I sure did. Now go kill your baby. It's okay, Timmy. Mommy might be gone, but she's in heaven with the angels. She... she is?

Mm-hmm. No, she's not. She's just gone. Thanks, Atheist Man. Atheist Man! Atheist Man! Atheist Man! And while we pitch a movie crossover to Willie Ames, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our second sponsor this week,

Stamps.com. We're so mean. You work harsh for the money. So harsh for the money. So hard for the money. Hey, hey, Melania. What you doing there? Oh, my gosh. He the baby.

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does that in my country. Okay, look, Mrs. Trump. Call me Mar-a-Lago, baby. That's what Donald called me. No, not gonna do that. Okay, so I know how great Stamps.com is. We use it to ship our Patreon rewards, our merch for live shows, and even just our everyday mail needs.

And right now, our listeners can use the code SCATHING for this special offer, which includes up to $55 free postage, a digital scale, and a four-week trial. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com. And before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in SCATHING. That's stamps.com. Enter SCATHING. Stamps.com. in scathing. That's stamps.com enter scathing. Stamps.com hamper sketching. That's right. But my

problem was with what you were saying about, I think you said sniper bullies? Yeah, sniper bullies. Some facky, he walking around eating jelly beans then poof, head explodes. Sniper bullies. Got it. Real problem.

And we're back. Next up in headlines from the What's a Motto With You file, Florida students who are unsure which fictional character our national trust was allocated to can breathe a little easier this week thanks to a new state law that requires In God We Trust to be prominently displayed in every public school. This bill was sponsored by Democratic state representative and leader of a christian ministry kimberly daniels whose self-professed hobbies include i'm not making this up speaking to demons she says look like the predator you know because when i think florida i think godly

and trustworthy i feel like god's to want to distance himself from that relationship. Yeah, all right, Florida. I'm going to let you guys use my name, but just this one time. We're not setting a precedent. I'm going to Bush v. Gore it, if you know what I mean. Florida gets it. Florida gets it. This guy.

So in justifying the bill, Daniel seems to be able to remember that she's supposed to serve a secular purpose for almost a whole sentence when she says quote the motto is inscribed on the halls of this great capital and inked on our currency and it should be displayed so our children will be exposed and educated on this great motto end quote and let's face it anybody who uses great as their go-to adjective probably knows a little something about needing to be educated the quote continues even after the true parts are over quote which is part of this country's foundation end quote an addendum only accurate if you consider the founding of this nation as a 180 year event that ended in 1956 i mean to be fair we are still scared of the socialist menace and isn't that

really what building a nation is about yeah maybe slogans from the 50s aren't the best idea it's like welcome to miami-dade high school in god we trust and four out of five doctors prefer lucky strike cigarettes nice and smooth we've learned a thing or two is what we're saying. All right, so this makes Florida the ninth state to either require or encourage schools to prominently declare their fealty to Yahweh. And while a legal argument can be made that this serves a secular purpose, since they're just displaying the national motto, no logical argument can be made to that end. Especially seeing how it's a stated goal of project blitz project blitz you'll recall is a group of christian nationalists led by david barton who are too unconcerned with sounding like nazis to name their organization something other than project blitz and while the displaying of in god we trust models might seem innocuous the ffrf has

accurately described the move as quote the thin edge of a christian nationalist wedge end quote and if you doubt their assessment you need to go no further than the project Blitz's stated goals to confirm it. Yeah. Keeping with the Nazi theme probably wasn't a good idea to, like, wait out annexing Poland and see what happened. And finally tonight, get ready for some delicious, decadent schadenfreudian delight because we have a new story about Pentecostal snake handlers and not just any Pentecostal snake handlers. I'm talking about the legendary Coots family of Middlesbrough, Kentucky, or at least the ones who have not died from snake bites yet wait for it refresh refresh wait for it we're gonna get there and they run a snake-based church because it says in the book of mark that christians are magically immune to serpents which turns out to be false so this

family keeps getting bit by snakes for literally three generations but they're so fucking stupid they also keep becoming pastors who manhandle deadly snakes every week as their job. The Coots family is to snakes what the Kennedy family is to Ted Cruz's dad. They get attacked from the grassy knoll. Yeah, exactly. I feel like the most amazing part of this story is less the three generations of inbred stupidity in Kentucky. I mean, and more the fact that there's still a living to be made in snake juggling. I feel like if you were trying

to launch that business cold, it would be a tough Kickstarter to fund. I disagree. Link in the show notes. Heath will juggle a poisonous snake. Oh, that's locked in. Absolutely. It would have to be three for you to juggle. I'll become Christian. I don't care.

He can bar juggle it. He can do the flair stuff with it. And he pours the poison in, drinks it, dies. Yep. Perfect. So the latest news on the Coots family comes to us in the form of a mini documentary by Barcroft TV that shows us a day in the life of Cody Coots, the pastor at a church called Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus' Name. You might also know their crosstown rivals, the Partial Gospel Tabernacle Church in Christ's

name forever and ever. Amen. Suck it. Our name is longer. That was actually the first draft of the New Mormon Style Guide. Yeah, so Cody Coutts, he's only 27 years old but he took over his head snake handler after his dad died in 2014 from a combination of a snake bite and the opposite of irony well the documentary is fucking fantastic and i highly recommend watching so hate to throw in a spoiler

but cody gets bit by a snake but i promise the video is not spoiled just because you heard that watch this video it's amazing snake bites him turns to camera it's a living and by the way if you're thinking to yourself hey didn't the last thing I get bit while there was some outside witness? Gee, it's almost like this is an insane publicity tactic that they only really do when outsiders are watching to make themselves seem interesting in a freeway collision sort of way. Then we were thinking the same things to ourselves. You and me were. Yep. So here's a few highlights.

Just in case idiot with four teeth who wears a giant pink zoot suit to work gets mauled by a snake. Hasn't told you yet. And it really should have told you. Yeah, exactly. Just in case. First of all, we meet a bunch of other people from Middlesbrough, Kentucky during the documentary, which was terrifying, but also amazing. They're absurd. Like everyone looks like Kim davis in overalls

the only visible difference being hair length yeah literally it's a town of kim davis with different mullets male female in between does not matter um the documentary like it should be called the hills have snake eyes it's fantastic and terrifying and they're really, really ugly. Anyway, we get to watch them all dancing around to their new hybrid form of gospel music, dubstep, and death metal that they apparently invented, all pretending to be possessed by the Lord. I mean, I get why this appeals to most people, but I have the automotive section of Walmart in Waycross, Georgia, 10 minutes away. So you know how people who live in New York don't go to the Statue of Liberty? It's kind of like that way. I didn't enjoy the video as much, I think. Understandable.

Yeah. Well, we also get to watch Pastor Cody leading the worship, which consists of yelling into a mic over the Gitmo mixtape and violently swinging around rattlesnakes and just like screaming the death metal lyrics right in their faces, the faces of rattlesnakes, just to be clear, until they obviously attack you. Because, again, the theme of their services appears to be sudden wild motions and disturbing loud noises. It seems like the Catholic services are better angled for this, right? Just bore the snake to sleep right up front, right? Or rape it. So the documentary kind of gets forced into a quick ending after 12 minutes when Pastor Cody gets his ear almost entirely bitten off by a snake. And blood just starts spurting out all over him like it was staged by Tarantino.

It's like a comical amount of blood. And it just gets more and more. It's like a Dexter diagram. It's crazy. And then we watch him slowly realize that he absolutely needs to go to the hospital. him slowly realize that he absolutely needs to go to the hospital but also at the same time we see him remembering that like a minute ago in this video he said straight into the camera if i get bit i don't go to doctor god is my healer so he like finally yells at the crew to shut it down to shut down the recording and immediately goes to the emergency room right after that to get like

deflated. It might be my all-time favorite movie. It's so good. And by God, I mean Gerald Ornithal Doctor over at the hospital. Gotta go! All right, well, on that note, we all have some super slow-mo to watch, so we'll close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Naked snake juggling. And when we come back, the Mormons will be here to be the mormons mormons fucking mormons hey podcast listener have you ever wondered what Heath thinks of genocide? What poisonous chemical Eli's new house is filled with? The origin story of my cats? Well, then you're in luck because we just released our latest patron-only AMA with all the answers you've been looking for. Just head over to patreon.com slash scathingatheist. Give us as little as a dollar a show and you'll get access to all our AMAs, an early commercial optional RSS feed of an extended cut of every single show,

and much, much more. But that's not all. This month, every dollar you pledge doesn't go to the Catholic Church. I mean, yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So if all that stuff wasn't enough, don't do it for us.

Do it for Not the Catholic Church. Patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. Not the Catholic Church. In our constant quest for the very worst in Christian cinema, we occasionally come across films that are too short to make for an episode of god-awful movies, but too awful to resist skewering altogether, which brings us to yet another God-Awful Mini. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? Alright, we watched

Uncle Ben. It's a rare Mormon YouTube video or something. And it's the story of Eli and Noah doing a super passive-aggressive intervention on me because they were too lazy to buy plane tickets to Cincinnati and do an intervention like you're fucking supposed to and actually sit the person down in person and address their problem directly. And so they made me watch this stupid fucking movie. Yeah, so instead it's just me watching a Mormon movie on YouTube

by myself in the middle of the afternoon drinking a goddamn scotch and watching a movie about alcoholism huh all right so how bad was this mini well if your intervention for heath just failed and the ending of liar liar warmed heart, you will love this movie. It's like if at the end of To Kill a Mockingbird, Boo Radley got to keep Scout. The movie. It's a lot like that.

Yeah, it is. A little Dolphus Raymond in there too. Yeah. All right. So this is a BYU production. That's the Mormons. I don't give a fuck what they say. So we're going to start with three people in a diner.

It's two grown brothers and their graduating sister. All of them are in their mid-30s. Yeah. And so in the 70s, I guess everyone's hair looked like a cupcake decoration also. They're always like 30. They're always like just exactly 30 and just like a decade of barbers getting handed pictures of lemon meringue pie like that, that's what I want

and all I want to point out is that the credits during this sort of opening montage of her talking to her brothers is like produced in Technicolor now with desegregated water fountains executive producer Harvey Weinstein, directed by Woody Allen,

and introducing the heartthrob Kevin Spacey. He's just like, ooh. Right. Ew. So we're watching Mary Tyler Mormon, is what I'm calling her. She's about to graduate, and she's walking through the halls

of her university building i guess yeah and like she keeps walking pat like i thought she was about to get her entire body three hole punched for a binder or something that's like what it felt like and also they picked uh weird music i'm gonna say for this moment like you know when you know in like a western when the evil cowboys they find like a brook out of nowhere and they all have like a naked river frolic together. That's the music that's happening. We watch different cowboy movies. Yeah.

Which cowboy movies are you watching? We watch the not gay porn ones. Okay. Well, that's your mistake. Or both. Yeah. So, okay. Now she's going to go see Dr. Kenneth McFarland, who is a real guy playing himself, by the way.

This was based on the story of him talking to a young woman once. So she's going to tell him, Dr. Kenneth McFarland, the dean of the school or whatever, the story of Uncle Ben. But to do that, she'll need a doodly-doo. Exactly. And by the way, Uncle Ben doesn't turn out to be the rice guy. No. Spoiler. Yeah, if you were hoping for that the whole fucking time.

And it's a weird doodly-doo that just kind of happens unnaturally. She's like, yeah, so Dr. McFarlane, it's about my Uncle Ben. And he's like, what are you doing with your hands? Why are you making that weird noise? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Do you mind if I doodly-doo? I was going to do that.

I thought it was obvious what he was doing. Okay, but I'm going to talk over it for a bit, though. Sorry. Do you mind if I doodly-doo? I was going to do that. I thought it was obvious what I was doing. Okay, but I'm going to talk over it for a bit, though. Just to make sure. All right, so we're going to learn about when she was a kid once who frolicked. Mom worked in the grocery mines. And then she came home and she ironed until the crack of dawn. What was she ironing? She has a bunch of eight-year-olds.

Yeah, so mom had it rough. then she also has uncle ben we get uncle ben showing up to nancy's birthday party but he's drunk and everybody now we know he's drunk because everybody starts commenting on how funny he smells i knew it was because he was drunk but in my heart i just wanted him to have like terrible breath just like oh it's sad yeah honestly i was hoping it'd be like a cautionary tale from the mormons about bo at this point yeah right they would do that i mean if there's any religious book that has something about races smelling different it's the book of mormon that's true top of the list absolutely all right so uncle ben goes to work but he's been fired for the drunken laziness

but but not not like verbally fine no no he looks for his time card while his boss watches him for 50 seconds yes no keep looking it's in there no keep looking and ben's like and, this is valid. He's like, hey, maybe just tell me with words, you fucking asshole. What are you, just letting your weird bit play out? Like, fuck you. It's a magic pumpkin

scenario for his boss getting... Getting warmer? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You're fired. Alright, so Ben dejectedly walks away and then he goes to the grocery store where mom works. And this is where we really get a sense of when this movie was made, because he's buying $40 worth of groceries, and it comes up to $2.32.

Oh, God damn it. I miss it. I miss it. You weren't alive then, but yeah. Walk to the store and buy yourself a nickel's worth of eggs. All you need to carry. Got to use the N-word. Jesus Christ. Binghamton, New York.

Alright, so Uncle Ben is there and he doesn't have enough money for his $2.32 worth of groceries and he does the whole awkward like, gee, I should have known I didn't have this much money when I brought you this much stuff to the cash register. Whatever will I do, sis?

Not having the other 82 cents I need. Am I going to pay for this pizza? No, no, no. We're brother and sister. But this is a Mormon movie still. Maybe. Donnie and Marie. And then immediately after she's like,

okay, I'll spot you for your weird associated groceries. He's like, she's like, do you want to come over for dinner? Because you obviously can't afford food. And he's like, nah, you guys are kind of lame. Let's take the free groceries. Yeah. Right. And then she takes his $1.50.

It's so good. She's like, oh, you're totally out of money. Like, I'll let you get away with that, give you these groceries and, you know, make you dinner. And then also, but I'm taking your $1.50. Yeah, right. All right. So Uncle Ben comes over to supper. We cut to them just getting finished.

And then it's time for Mom and Uncle ben to have some serious talk right and this is a christian movie before they invented whisper sickness disease so she just has to sit there being like sickness and uncle ben is he's just like oh you're crying do you want to go see a doctor for your woman-ness and she's like no i i am i saw a doctor i'm gonna die in the next few minutes of this movie because i saw a doctor yeah i've been to the doctor and he was like maybe it's your period have a have a menthol have a menthol cigarette it's smoother i'm gonna manually masturbate you perfect you're fine right and she's like well would you you want to take home some muffins with you

and he's like yeah how about that and five bucks while we're on the subject right and she's like okay yeah no problem I'll cash a check and I'll give you that five dollars tomorrow and he's like no it's for medicine that I now

night medicine I need night medicine. Yeah. He needs booze money. Damn it. So she scrounges up 250. Keep in mind a buck 50 of it. She just took from him at the grocery store earlier,

but she scrounges up 250. And I guess that's just enough to get him drunk that night. It's like asking Heath to wait until after a live show to drink. It's like, yeah, yeah no it'd be good now though would be good now so now so we cut to a cop busting Uncle Ben

for being a drunk again he's taking a wall nap why you being a dick I love his back talk against the cop here he's like no I'm good man I'm just having a wall nap you you're a against the cop here. He's like, no, I'm good, man. I'm just having a wall nap. You're temporarily homeless

when you drink. You just have to sleep on walls. You have to live near and next to walls. That's all that's left. Temporarily. And then we cut from that to mom reading a story to the kids about the moral of this story.

Jesus, that's thick. Yeah. And then they sing a weird culty song together. Oh, God, fucking damn it. My notes here are just, I bet this movie makes me listen to the whole fucking song. I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this. I bet I worked in a DMV and made people wait to come up to the window until I pushed the button. It was like preemptive war on us.

Like they knew we were going to make fun of this 40 years later. All right. So she kisses him one last time and they love her. So that means she's going to die of cancer before the next scene. Good night, my children. I will never die. Yeah. All right.

And then we cut immediately to one of the kids finding her dead in bed. And he thinks it's a prank. Classic. Heath's dad gets it. The old toothpicks and faking your death prank. You go to give him CPR and there's

a toothpick in there. Oh, classic. You go to give him CPR and there's a toothpick in there. Oh, classic. You got me. Yeah, like she does lots of fake dead mom pranks is the way this kid is treating him. And I was really hoping she was going to go all the way with this, like go all out

on a long con because she is dead. We're fine now. She's getting picked up by coroners. I want her to jump out of the hearse just like, ah, fuck it with you, kid. Look at your faces. Look how sober Uncle Ben is now. Wow.

Idiots. All right. So now the kids watch him load mom into the hearse. Uncle Ben's sitting there. He's like, well, I guess now you have to take care of us, Uncle Ben. And the cop's like, are you fucking kidding me? This guy? He's like, I'm literally here because I arrested him last night. Like, that's why I'm here.

I had to un-arrest him to come here. Also, Uncle Ben, in response to his, like, they're not going to give you the kids thing, says, I made a few mistakes. I wanted the cop to be like, last night! You made a few mistakes last night! You remember way back in the this morning? There's

shit in your pants right now. Like, I know for a fact, I drove you here. And now we cut to Heath's new apartment. What? He was just having a nice, dark, cellar morning cap. That's not weird. That's not just me who has that going in their apartment.

It's nicer just drinking in the dark. It's a little nicer is all I'm saying. Don't make it weird. Yeah, he goes home to where he lives in a shitty basement apartment, apparently, and there's a bottle of evil right there in a brown paper bag. So he unscrews

the cork, and then the little kid's voice is from, like, the last scene cut in, and like, Uncle Ben, what are we gonna do? Do you love us more than alcohol? Oh, Uncle Ben. Were they inside the bottle? I wanted the bottle to start playing like audio of happy kids with really good foster parents. Yeah, right.

It's just the other side of the coin. I'm the bottle. Just so you know, like this is the other argument. Then like Clarence, the angel comes down, but also heath the drunk angel and they that would be fair brandy library brandy library and then okay so but then they have this moment where he's got to decide between the kids and the alcohol so he pushes the alcohol away and he doesn't do like dramatic like dumping down the toilet or the sinker He just pushes the bottle a few inches away and then he pushes a little more. Like it's going to be

just like the rest of the movie. He's trying to like just barely can't reach it. Trying to do the finger pincer thing like, oh, this is, oh, it gets further now. If you rotate it, no, no, I did make it further. Shit. I thought this would be more

dramatic. Damn it it and he says out loud i have to choose between loving you and loving the kids and i wrote my notes he's like root for scotch but just in that moment at his lowest he asks god for help yep god comes down and like pushes the bottle back to his side of the table there you go there you go looked like you're having a lot of trouble with that so okay now we are immediately at the court hearing to determine if he gets custody for the kids and the opening of this scene is so amazing yeah the court the court is pretty sure you're an alcoholic with multiple arrests and he stands up and he's like give me the kids right so the judge is being super hard and he's like ah you know you're unemployed and you're a drunk and you're in jail like pretty

much every night and those so then uncle ben starts crying in front of the court because a grown man sniffling shows that you got your shit together like nobody's business, right? Yeah. Nothing will assure me that you are a responsible adult faster than breaking down in tears when someone points out your criminal record. Yep. And that's pretty much how it goes. The judge is like, okay, well, no, good points. You are weeping uncontrollably.

Check. You're shaking violently from DTs. have some kids yeah okay and then we cut back to grown-up sister telling this story to president mcfarland and she's like and all those years later he never touched a drop of alcohol which led me to believe that the moral of this story is give drunks more orphans. No, it works. Here you go. Here you go, Dave. It's a puppy. Now you got to get it.

Ship up. Shape up. No more meth for you. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. So she's like, do you think you could end the commencement by singling out my uncle more than all the other parents and guardians?

And he's like, well, yeah, that's pretty much the whole movie i guess absolutely yeah could you reward my uncle for being a parent some of the time as opposed to the other parents that were parents the whole time i'd like him to get a participation trophy yeah right yeah and uh the doctor's like you just leave it up to me and he says it weird like that like he's gonna have like applebee's waiters sing happy birthday i thought it was gonna happen all right so then we cut immediately to graduation particularly the part where they ask all the parents to stand up because this movie's not gonna make you fucking wait i guess so they ask all the parents to stand and everybody claps and then the dean says

and would all the uncle ben's in the audience please stand up but but he doesn't stand up no and the two people next to him are like dude dude you're an uncle ben you're embarrassing us stand up well no wait let me give the other Uncle Ben's a chance first. I don't want to be the first Uncle Ben. He hasn't said last names. Maybe he's going to do us an order. I didn't even prepare a speech. Just stand up, you fucking piece of shit.

It's weird how they don't have a cure for piece of shit. And then we get like this slow clap for him. Like everyone in the audience just decides to give a standing ovation to a guy that nobody there knows. I wanted one person to be like, why the fuck are we all clapping for this guy? I'm an uncle. I'm sitting back here, not in the parents section. I brought that guy a lovely dress shirt for his graduation. Only the uncle.

This is bullshit. Also, this is the fucking reward for not drinking some clapping 20 years later? Like, fuck yeah. Not worth it. Really? This is a terrible intervention. All right, so the graduation ends and the dean meets with uncle ben afterwards so the dean's like hey can i ask you a question how did that

doodly-doo end and he's like well for that we're gonna need another doodly-doo i remembered what i'd been taught as a kid so we all we all went inside the house and and I thanked God for murdering my sister. And then asked him not to make me drink no more, because after all, he is omnipotent. So he could have just taken that away from me. And he did. Yeah. All right. And now, firm in the knowledge that just wishing in your head is all that stands behind a fall-down drunk and perfect parenting, we'll close the segment off for the night.

But either we'll be back or Christians will stop putting horrible messages into shorts. So, see you soon. Before we get the gong tonight, I want to remind our British listeners that we're going to be recording a live episode of Godolphin Movies in London the first weekend of October, and tickets are still available. And to our American listeners that maybe have never been to England, hey, it's the weekend before QED. Between us and the world's best skeptical conference, you've got the British Isles to keep you company. Never been a better time to go, and given the state of the Brexit negotiations, there probably won't be any other ones coming up that are better either. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait to get along, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd get the S and the T revoked from my host position if I neglected to thank the great and powerful Heath Enright for all the wonderful things he does. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for all the wonderful things she usually does. She's sorry she couldn't be here today, but she'll be back next week.

I need to thank the lovely in his own way, Eli Bosnick, for all the wonderful things he thinks of doing and then allows Heath Andrew and me to talk him out of. I also want to thank my friendly neighborhood foxhole atheist for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Said it before and I'll say it again. If you thought you were going to heaven, you wouldn't be in a foxhole. There are no theists in a foxhole, you see. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. DJ, drummer, Jesus H. Fish, Pat, Zafrophenic, Adam, Other Adam, Brian, Matt, Jennifer, Riff, and Kate. DJ, drummer, Jesus H. Fish, Pat, and Zafrophenic, whose nunchuck skills lend credence to the

they-just-know-better solution to the Fermi paradox. Other Adam, Brian, and Matt, whose members are so legendary, newer aircraft have an Adam, Other Adam, Brian, and Matt, whose members are so legendary, newer aircraft have an Adam, Other Adam, Brian, and Matt pit, and Jennifer, Riff, and Kate, who are so hot, Icarus instinctively keeps his distance. Together, these 11 enviable envoys of evolution elevated our efforts to make the evils of evangelism evanescent this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you had all your money on the over-on-manifort convictions, you can also

help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, liking our Facebook page, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. You work harsh for the money

So harsh for the money You work harsh for the money So you bagler treat me glyph Oh, that's Glyph sorry Morgan the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018

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