The Scathing Atheist - 291: Kavanaughty Boy Edition

Episode Date: September 13, 2018

In this week’s episode, Christians write an open letter of closed-mindedness , Ted Cruz asks Brett Kavanaugh a softball question that's literally about a ball that's softer than a softball, and Christians in Pensacola will play the martyr for not having a giant cross to lug around. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Kavanaugh makes it super clear he wants to help create a theocracy: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/09/brett-kavanaugh-on-the-supreme-court-would-solidify-christian-privilege/ Appeals court in FL reluctantly follows 1st amendment, orders giant cross removed: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/08/appeals-court-says-with-sadness-a-giant-christian-cross-in-fl-must-come-down/ India decriminalizes gay sex http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/07/india-decriminalized-gay-sex-but-critics-says-that-will-increase-hiv-rates/ Kaepernick Christian Freakouts: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/08/liberty-university-considers-cutting-ties-with-nike-over-colin-kaepernick-ad/ http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/06/after-colin-kaepernick-ad-christian-school-bans-nike-apparel-for-athletes/ Prominent Evangelicals Issue Statement Denouncing “Social Justice” Activism http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/05/prominent-evangelicals-issue-statement-denouncing-social-justice-activism/ Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop will pay $145,000 to settle lawsuit over vaginal eggs: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/05/gwyneth-paltrows-goop-will-pay-145000-to-settles-lawsuit-over-vaginal-eggs/ Liz Crokin blames her surfing injury on a spell hillary cast on her http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/liz-crokin-blames-her-surfing-injury-on-a-spell-cast-by-hillary-clinton/ Man Who Bought Bank Because God Told Him to is Now $30 Million in Debt http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/07/man-who-bought-bank-because-god-told-him-to-is-now-30-million-in-debt/ This Week in Misogyny: AA elects another straight white dude as president: https://www.atheists.org/2018/09/fish-announcement/ Utah school body shames eleven year old over bare-shouldered shirt: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/12/utah-school-accused-of-body-shaming-girl-for-wearing-shoulder-baring-shirt/ Politician accuses raped nun of being a prostitute: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/09/09/nun-who-was-allegedly-raped-by-bishop-is-a-prostitute-politician-says/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity. Specifically, four pisses, four asses, 15 shits, and 29 fucks. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Kinetic Coach. And by the new fragrance of barely disguised theocracy, Cavanautica for Men. The clone for men that's just guaranteed to drive women crazy. Rovers is weighed into Cavanautica for men that's just guaranteed to drive women crazy. Roe vs. Wade into Kavanautica. For men. And just for men.

And now, the scathing atheist. Hello, I'm John Cutting, writer at FortunaSaga.com. As a clinically proven serious person, I can assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's September 13th. And it's bald is beautiful day. Shucks. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Cincinnati swing state, and good husband Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Christians write an open letter of closed-mindedness. Ted Cruz asks Brett Kavanaugh a softball question that's literally about a ball that's softer than a softball.

And Christians in Pensacola play the martyr for not having a giant cross to lug around. But first, the diatribe. You ever notice how often people use the word humility when what they actually mean is the exact fucking opposite of humility like consider as an example every acceptance speech in the history of politics right you got somebody who just spent months going to rallies where people are holding signs and wearing t-shirts with their name on them being introduced to the stage by people who talk about their inevitable greatness and then coming out to a sea of strangers chanting their adulation

all the while watching television pepper with ads about how amazing they're going to be interrupted by pundits extolling their virtues with sycophantic hero worship then after they win the popularity contest they step to a stage and the first thing they say is how humbling the whole experience was notice this doesn't so much go the other way the concession speech you know the one given by a person who actually was humbled by the experience only rarely invokes that word but damn if the winner won't say it every time i was very humbled by this campaign no the fuck you weren't you won you started off thinking you were the most qualified person to run the country or the state or the congressional district or whatever. You started off by putting yourself on a pedestal above all the other people

in your area or even in your country. And then you had that reinforced by the majority of people agreeing with you. See, we have this bizarre relationship with humility as a culture. It's one of these weird aspirations that nobody really aspires to. Or I mean, I guess that's overstating it a bit because some of us do aspire to humility in a lot of things. But by and large, we want to be fucking awesome in all ways, including being more humble than the other guy. But let's face it, as soon as you start bragging about how humble you are, you're missing the fucking point. And it's probably worth reminding ourselves that this aspiration to humility is hardly a cultural universal. There are plenty of cultures out there where you're expected to tout your own exceptionalism,

especially if you're genuinely exceptional. You know, we see this shit in the Olympics, for example. Some dude from one of those cultures kicks ass and takes names, and they go on TV and talk about how awesome they are. Then all of us from the disingenuous humility culture say, what an asshole. I mean, that motherfucker just won a gold medal. He or she proved themselves to be literally the best in the world at the thing they've dedicated themselves to. If ever there

was a time you should be allowed to pat yourself on the back and talk up your awesomeness, that should be it, right? But if your culture values humility or even just pays lip service to it, stating the obvious is considered impossibly arrogant. And look, I'm not bringing this up because I think it's a good thing or a bad thing. I grew up in this culture, so I value humility. I'm not frustrated about my inability to talk about how awesome I am or anything. But when you deal with religious people all the fucking time, it's important that we at least recognize that when they say humbled, that's not at all what they mean.

You know, consider the religious asshole that humbles themselves before God. There's an impossible task for you. Yeah, the creator of the universe has taken a personal interest in me and my naughty bits, and I'm going to humble myself. Nope. Nope. The very idea of humbling oneself before God is an oxymoron. And to underscore that point, let's move back to that political acceptance speech. is an oxymoron. And to underscore that point, let's move back to that political acceptance speech. The humble way to look at a victory in an election is to recognize that the vast majority

of it had nothing to do with you, whether or not you were pushed to victory by Russian interference. Somebody wins an election on anything but a municipal level, and odds are really good that the main thing they did was not fuck up as bad as the other candidate, right? The real victory belongs to the campaign staff, the media coordinator, the donors, and the ground game. And sure, you as the candidate had something to do with hiring the right people and making the right decisions, but that's some coin flip shit as often as not. And beyond that, major aspects of your victory had nothing whatever to do with your decisions. You won because of the other candidates' gaffes, the general economic trends, party

affiliation, the mood of the electorate, et etc. Oftentimes, the only thing the candidate did right was think, hey, I should run for office. And to be fair, a lot of politicians do point that out. Hell, all of them point out that they couldn't have done it without their pollsters and their supporters and their volunteers. But inevitably, at least here in the good old USA, they will also attribute their victory to the will of God. God himself has taken away time from fashioning atoms and crafting hurricanes to get personally involved in making sure you're in charge of shit later. What could be less humble than that? And this is far from a semantic thing, right? I mean, if everybody knew that they were full of shit, it probably would be. But at least some of these politicians actually do think God put them in office.

A lot of Christian business owners will explicitly say that God has miracled them into success. Christian athletes just can't shut the fuck up about God divinely intervening in their competitions. And I challenge you to come up with anything less humbling than actually believing that shit of course on the surface sure it seems humble right you're not taking credit for your own successes you're admitting that it wasn't you that won the election or the super bowl it was god he won it through you the problem with that of course is that god doesn't exist so what you're really doing is adding an omnipotent ghost to your repertoire of supporters see there actually is value to humility as a senator that recognizes they're in office because of broad economic trends and their opponent fucking up

a debate is probably going to make decisions better than the one who thinks he's there because you know he's better than everybody else that senator is far more likely to listen to their advisors to reconsider their positions and to recognize that they only get to keep the job as long as they don't fuck it up. But the guy who thinks he's there because God thinks he's better than everybody else, that's the most dangerous motherfucker of all. Because when advisors and staff push back against them, they're trying to thwart the will of God. the will of God. And this is a message that would be important at any point in American history, but it's never been as important as when you've got Mike Pence second in line to the most impeachable president in American history. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the blossoming bubbles to my buttercup, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, you ready to whip the fuck out of a culturally insensitive chimp? Or a gay guy with lobster claws who's the devil. Absolutely. Also, I have a theory on why the professor created three little girls. I want to get it out now. What the fuck is I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I will say I am erect.

I don't know what that means. Quick, before Eli or Heath goes into any more detail here, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Kinetic Coach. It's her sex. Hey, Sarah, you want it? Oh, my God. Sorry. Hey, Tyler. Caught me in the an oh, my God. Oh, sorry. Hey, Tyler, caught me in the middle of doing my workout. Just give me a second.

What are you wearing? Oh, you like it? I call it my battle suit. How does it not cover your vagina? Well, you know, got to let my lips breathe. I will never sleep again. Yeah, I hear that a lot. But, you know, what to let my lips breathe. I will never sleep again. Yeah, I hear that a lot. But, you know, what are you going to do?

Got to stay in shape. Yeah, but why don't you just... Square is a shape, for the record, before you make a comment. No, it sure is. But, Sarah, why don't you try Kinetic Coach? Oh, what's Kinetic Coach? It's the best way to get fit on your iPhone. Really? How does it work?

Well, Kinetic Coach's proprietary custom workout builder incorporates your fitness goals, experience level, how you're feeling that day, how much time you have to work out, and most importantly, what equipment you have available that day. Kinetic Coach then delivers 10 customized workouts based on your inputs. Every workout includes a thorough warm-up, detailed instructions, professional movement demonstrations, and modifications for injuries provided with every workout.

Wow. Sounds like having a personal trainer right in your pocket. It is. Except not like that time you cut a hole in your pocket and told that personal trainer to just dive right in.

That lawsuit was settled. It was settled. It's not anybody's business. This is like the time my brother set that dog on fire. So anyway, how many workouts are we talking here with Kinetic Coach? Well, with more than 150 different movements and more than 1,000 customized workouts, Kinetic Coach keeps you engaged and challenged. Plus, Kinetic Coach uses a built-in timer that auto-programs to your custom workout.

No more messing around programming a clock for intervals, and you don't have to download another timer app. Track your results and progress, and compete on teams and leaderboards if you'd like. Okay, but I guess the most important question is, does it work? It sure does. I used Kinetic Coach for my workouts for a month after we announced it over on Godawful Movies, and I dropped six pounds. But more importantly, it made working out when I traveled way easier than other programs. Plus, getting to try different workouts kept me from getting bored or lazy. You're the squish guy, right? Yeah, I left my tarp here. Sorry. Classic. Okay, but this has got to be super expensive, right?

Not at all. Their annual subscription is just six bucks a month. Six bucks a month? That's less than what Mike got paid for his op-ed in the Times. It wasn't me. Everyone knows it was you, Mike. Go drop a lodestar in your pants, whatever. Sorry. So how do I give Kinetic Coach a try?

Well, just search for it on the App Store. Kinetic Coach, all one word with just one C. That's K-I-N-E-T-I-C-O-A-C-H on the App Store and enter the code SCATHING for a full month of premium for free. Kinetic Coach, the better way to get fit. I mean, better than that, at least. All right, well, you want to help me stuff this back up in there? I do not.

I will. Nobody asked you, traitor. Oh. at least all right well you want to help me stuff this back up in there i do not i will nobody asked you traitor you're the worst and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight you should have voted for hillary clinton whether she excited you or not you should have voted for hillary clinton i hate to keep repeating this, but no, I don't. No, I don't. This needs to be repeated forever. And if you didn't vote for Hillary, you're probably already getting angry and defensive as you hear this. But what you need to do is calm down and sit in the corner and think about what you did.

Because that was fucking stupid, what you did. I bet I get all the tweets again. Okay. Well, here's the thing. We're about to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court for life. Yep. And you helped it happen if you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in the general. Stupid actions have consequences.

And this is one of the big ones. Biggest. Yeah. Yeah. The biggest. Exactly. one of the big ones biggest yeah with yep the biggest exactly with gorsuch and kavanaugh on the court instead of merrick garland and uh insert other non-bigot here church state separation is pretty much gone a woman's right to operate her own uterus is pretty much gone and the entire

lgbt community gets a zero fifths compromise apparently don't look over here. You look at the wall. You know what you did. You look at the wall. Sorry, Heath. I'm one of those atheists whose nonbelief extends exclusively to feeling smarter than my aunt. So checkers. That's not it. Mate with me. Closer.

I don't know. And by the way, before you tweet us or email us, ask yourself, hey, am i a straight white cisgendered man with virtually nothing to lose from my political apathy and the answer is yes go fuck yourself with fire hydrant like seriously i'll read your fucking tweet but it needs to have an attached picture of you taking the whole hydrant okay i want a video where you spin too to be honest and then you let some urban black kids who don't have clean running water open the hydrant while you're still on it. All right. Well, that makes it a lot more fun, though. That's, yeah.

And you have to double dutch at some point. Okay. So we've had over a week's worth of Senate hearings for Kavanaugh at this point, and they've confirmed pretty much exactly what any constitutional law scholar could have told you in July when Kavanaugh was nominated or at any moment during Kavanaugh's career. Right. Or while he was making D-bag remarks during law school. So now we all know, though, that's that's the deal. Basically, we learned that he's a highly intelligent person who got made into a giant bigot by his religion. And that describes just about all the most dangerous people in all of human history. Yeah. And somehow we're putting another one.

This is number two on the nation's highest court in 2018. I mean, at this point, we need to pack the court with Noah and Aaron Raw for it to be balanced in 2020 yeah so uh here's a few highlights from the hearings so far let's start with a uh hard-hitting question from senator ted cruz who wanted to know if brett kavanaugh would would use the scotus basketball court known as the highest court in the land now amazing wordplay notwithstanding fuck you ask a real question it's your fucking job are you serious god damn it but regardless the answer was yes he will use the court and apparently cavanaugh coaches his daughter's basketball team where he's known as coach k in unrelated news mike shishovski stabbed himself in the eyes like Queen Jocasta.

So he can't be sexist, though. It's a ladies basketball team. Yeah. Also, Keith, the Queen Jocasta thing isn't fair. Kavanaugh is going to fuck all our mothers and daughters. Women. He's going to fuck all the women. I just have to say say you know you have reached

rock bottom when the person trying to humanize you is ted cruz or oedipus yeah um also it appears that brett kavanaugh doesn't vote what the fuck was not vote It was the best. The lifelong legal scholar told the Senate of the United States, quote, I do not vote in political elections, end quote. Go get a hydrant. I guess he'll get involved for fucking American Idol, but not for deciding who runs the country. Are you serious? That was the weirdest moment of his testimony, right? Because obviously someone was like, hey, act impartial, and Kavanaugh was

like, I don't taste flavors. I'm nailing it. I'm nailing it. Wow. Yeah. And here's another little detail we learned, as I already started mentioning. We learned that Kavanaugh does not believe that religion needs to be separated from government for example he's a

catholic who thinks cum has fingernails and a heartbeat and that's definitely the reason all his answers about roe v wade during the hearings had exactly zero informational content like he might as well have had sarah huckuckabee Sanders come out from backstage with Enter Sandman playing slide in like WWE and take all the abortion questions for him. Point being he's obviously pro-life and he's obviously hostile toward Roe v. Wade

and he was trying to hide it. Very clearly. Hostile isn't the word. Noah is hostile to airport security. Noah's not going to end and set legal precedent banning airport security. But it would be going to end and set legal precedent banning airport security. Well, but it would be more like banning air travel. This motherfucker implied

that contraception caused abortions. And by implied, by the way, I mean said. Exactly said that. Out of his face. He said those things. Yes. And all right,

just a couple other fun details. This I actually enjoyed, at least the part with the leak. Thanks to Cory Booker, the Dominic Toretto of the Senate. I would watch the shit out of that movie. I would. It's true. I'm excited. Awesome.

So thanks to a leak by Cory Booker, we all got to see some otherwise classified documents from the hearings that showed just how much of a bigot we'd be getting with Kavanaugh. This included emails from Kavanaugh's time as the lead attorney on George W. Bush's faith-based initiative, which if you're not familiar, that's a program that allowed religious groups to get taxpayer funding and also continue refusing to hire and serve gay people all at the same time. During his time with the faith-based initiative, Kavanaugh's team helped the Salvation Army keep discriminating however they wanted, and in exchange, the organization agreed to spend about $100,000 a month

on promoting faith-based legislation around the country. Yeah, and if you're wondering why that would have been classified, it was for national security reasons. What? Yeah, troop movements of the salvation army were classified for national security reasons jesus fucking christ someone was control effing not their fault fucking nonsense yeah and uh one other highlight from uh the cory booker documents we saw emails from kavanaugh that argued in favor of government funding for religious programs like teen challenge and their faith-based drug rehab he actually argued that

the constitution requires that we all pay for shit like that and just for the record about three weeks before this particular email the guy in charge of Teen Challenge testified before Congress and said, quote, Jews are welcome to join the program. They might even become completed Jews. And, quote, completed Jews, as in Christian. If you complete stage Jew, you become Christian. You level up. Brett Kavanaugh was in favor of that guy's program but not just in favor believes it is the law that they get money yep god damn it anyway moral of the story

hillary clinton could literally be in charge of a giant cannibalistic pedophile cartel and we still obviously should have elected her like seriously how many kids would you eat to make donald trump disappear i mean like what like honest answer like my answer is a positive number yep yeah and i it's medium large especially like if i'm choosing the kids it's a medium large number like ballpark a ballpark of kids yes kids do we get to choose how we eat them? Moving on. It doesn't matter. And from the establishment clauses coming to town file, the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals begrudgingly affirmed the First Amendment last week when it ruled that a gigantic cross is, in fact, a religious symbol.

Huh. Yeah. So this case comes to us from Pensacola, Florida, via a lawsuit originally filed by the FFRF and the AHA's Apignani Humanist Legal Center. Named exclusively to make us go seriously guys, can you not do the Not Jesus Club or something? You can make me pronounce and spell

Apignani all the time. So yeah, so the plaintiffs argue that gigantic religious symbols on public property are gigantic religious symbols on public property. This seems like an a equals a yeah right and despite the tautological nature of the argument and having already lost the case the city has invested more than an eighth of a million dollars in counting of taxpayer money

to argue la la la we can't hear you right at which point they were like did you see how much money those mean atheists made us shove into our ears so mean right they made us shove this money in our ears they made us all right so the first decision on this one came in june of last year when u.s district judge roger vincent ordered the cross removed despite the city's argument that the cross was secular because sometimes people in the city used it as a memorial for non-christian people no it's there's secular reason there's a big homeless geometry club that uses it for learning like secular hypotenuses yeah exactly right that was better than any argument that they offered actually now in his decision vincent pointed out that quote the mayor has said that he does not want the cross taken down specifically

because he hopes there will quote within the quote, always be a place for religion in the public square and internal quote, which is essentially an admission that the cross has been sustained for a religious purpose and external quote. It's also non essentially that admission. It's homeopathically that admission. It's in every fucking way. So, we done here? No, apparently not.

Despite that decision and the unwinnable nature of the case and the mayor's explicit admission to the contrary, the city elected to piss away public funds appealing the case, which leads us to this latest decision. What the fuck? How does this get appealed? It's like, okay, remember when OJ was only guilty the first time? This feels the same, right? Or was it the second time he was guilty? Do over. We call it do over. It's interference.

We're calling something do over. Right. And while the three-judge panel did eventually agree unanimously that the first judge got it right, they didn't do so enthusiastically, lamenting that, quote, our hands are tied. Absent an unbuck reconsideration or Supreme Court reversal, we are constrained to affirm the

district court's order, end quote. In other words, unfortunately, we're judges, right? If only a couple of roguish 40-year-old originalists appointed by the will of the people could save us. It should also be noted that this decision basically offered the SCOTUS a free donut

if they reversed the decision. In a concurrence written by Trump nominee Kevin Newsom, the establishment clause precedent was referred to as, quote, a hot mess, end quote, on account of the cross having been, you know, there for a long time, as though there should be a statute of limitations on violating the Constitution. And in light of our lead story, you can bet your sweet ass, the city will appeal again.

And you can bet your sweet ass that the Margaret Atwood inspired incarnation of the Supreme court will ultimately conclude that the first amendment only counts against heathen faiths. And in musty laws news tonight, that's right. Hindu pun founded on Wikipedia, native Hindu speakers cracking up right now. That's right. Hindu pun. Founded on Wikipedia. Native Hindu speakers cracking up right now.

Just FYI. Anyway. Provide some informational content. No, they got it. When I said musty, boom. Huge explosion. There's a non-racist location. There is a karate class

just cracking up right now. They love karate. Anyway, this week, India's Supreme Court overturned a 157-year-old law that made gay sex illegal. Well, as long as you're not gay fucking a Dalit. Or maybe you can do that with a condom. It's not really super clear on how that works. them i don't it's not really super clear on how that works yeah so the offense yeah so the offense which carried a sentence of up to 10 years in prison was unanimously overturned by india's five judge supreme court leading u.s citizens to be hugely depressed at the thought that there is a zero percent chance that would happen with our current supreme court well but thomas jefferson Our current Supreme Court. Well, but Thomas Jefferson intended for us to kill our gay slaves.

I don't vote in political elections, but I am an originalist. That's important. Now, obviously, the change does have its detractors, and I'll give you one guess as to what they all have in common. Oh, dreams about dicks that confuse and scare them. Okay. So close. It's religion. I feel like it could be both.

It is probably both. So Christian, Hindu, and Muslim leaders, along with astrologers, have risen up as one voice in light of the decision to cry, gross. I mean, who is even the guy in that situation? It's whoever comes first, right? It's a race to guy. Yes. What does it say about religion that the only thing that can unite Christians, Hindus and Muslims is bigotry? I feel like we should be retired by now.

Right. so about that astrologer bit shoresh kumar kushal whose name i can't pronounce because he's an asshole and not because i'm racist was responsible for the reinstatement of the ban in 2013 when he legally challenged its repeal in 2009 and had this to say on thursday quote marriage is the most sacred part of our culture many cultures actually sexual relations are a sacred part of this bond wait what what the hell does marriage have to do with sexual relations i'm pretty sure sure sure whatever is doing it wrong yep absolutely now christians and hindus are coming at this from a different angle pun intended eli has to say that a lot you noticed noticed at the beginning of the... Yeah, I like to point out... Remember that earlier pun?

When I get in front of a pun, I stand there pointing at it, and you... Gives you guys a time to relax because you're laughing so hard at my word smithereen. Anyways, the Christians and Hindus are coming at this from the...

Preventing the spread of HIV. Because, you know, nothing keeps something safe like making it illegal, right? Good plan. Okay, hold on. What if we make them smoke the whole bag of AIDS? No, no, too far, man. Too far.

You always do that. Oaktall Christian Council and Trust God Ministries argued that, quote, it had nothing to do with notions of Victorian morality and rather hinged on the issue of spread of HIV slash AIDS and was therefore a medico-legal necessity, end quote. who's same rule as his name because the other guy has described homosexuality as a mental illness and told cnn news 18 that this verdict could give rise to other issues such as an increase in the number of hiv cases to which he added who said condoms this is serious i am being serious yeah like only if i have a fucking vial full of AIDS and access to that guy, right? Patreon goal. And in whoever knelt it, dealt it news. The Nike brand made a great move last week when they somehow got everyone on every side of every political issue to help them with marketing all at the same time. Right. To help him with marketing all at the same time.

In case you missed it, their latest ad campaign features a close-up shot of notorious national anthem kneeler Colin Kaepernick, along with the slogan, believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything, just do it. And this refers to Kaepernick sacrificing his NFL career to protest systemic racism. And it seems like you wouldn't become unhirable because you're anti-cops killing unarmed black people so much. But there's lots of stuff that seems obvious that's not so much obvious to the average NFL fan. Yeah, like breathe through your nose so you don't die, you know, right. Or where the ball's highest point is what the fuck

why would it not oh my god obviously you wouldn't be anywhere anyway idiots so might have already guessed this already but uh whenever there's a chance to yell hates freedom without understanding either of those very simple words or any of the context of what you're talking about you can be sure that we'll be getting a weird meltdown from some of our favorite professional Christian stupid people. That's right. It's time for another Christian freakout. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. Love that song. Okay. So, Anna, one more time really fast.

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. love that song okay so anna one more time really fast awesome okay so the latest christian freak backwards came from slow motion every time you hit a C note. In French. Okay. No, it's just sitting there at 4.30 in the morning. Figured it out. The key is to spin around the earth. All right.

So the latest Christian freakout came from the two schools that supply just about every single Ph.D. on a god awful movie, Liberty University and College of the Ozarks. Apparently, they're not mad at Nike, but they're very disappointed with Nike for naming a color of lives that matter. And that's why Liberty U president Jerry Falwell Jr. announced this week that he's seriously considering a boycott. He announced, quote, if it's just a publicity stunt to bring attention to Nike or whatever, that's different. We understand that. We understand how marketing works.

But they're going to have to convince us that they're not proactively attacking law enforcement officers and our military. End quote. Like with bats? I mean, proactively. I'm sorry. He's wondering aloud whether a marketing campaign is a publicity stunt and then saying he understands how marketing. You know, I see how he got snowed by all that Bible stuff.

This is all starting to fall into place. Yeah. And by the way, College of the Ozarks president Jerry C. Davis said pretty much the same thing, except with a lot more twitching and podium pounding. So I guess Nike's looking pretty good right now. But all that success might come crumbling down any minute now that Liberty University and College of the Ozarks might be off the table. Also, I know it's a weird nit to pick, but we understand how

marketing works. Dude, you don't let your students watch R-rated movies and you regularly announce that you have a gun hit it on your person when you speak to the student body i have a gun i have a gun yes so uh naturally the ad campaign got lots of support from anyone who thinks racial injustice is unjust but this reverse streisand effect bugs bunny trick that worked on christian bigots is the real genius part of this campaign. Now, Nike has a team of like Confederate statue security guards helping draw even more attention to their brand by whining about the ad and posting all about it on the Internet.

Yeah. And threatening boycotts at press conferences. And now they're just like all covered in thorns, sitting in a briar patch, yelling ethnic slurs about tar babies. Well, he makes more money. And what I love is like the tearing off of the socks and the underweight. There is no amount of self-destruction conservatives won't engage in to own libs. I mean, we all see where this is going, right? We here at Huggies stand proud with our community to say that black lives matter.

If those motherfuckers at Huggies are going to disrespect our troops, then little Cameron here to just wait around in his own shit for freedom. Oh, damn it. That's the curtains. Is that the curtains? For freedom. Oh, damn it, that's the curtains. Is that the curtains? Fuck. Jones' power and water stands against the separation of families at the border. That's fine.

That's fucking fine. If I need to give up power and running water for the troops, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my freedoms and the proud men and women who... Jesus, Cameron, you're just caked in that little body. Just fucking caked. The U.S. Army stands against bigotry. If the U.S. Army is going to disrespect the U.S. Army, then... A la Akbar, motherfuckers. Allah Akbar.

And in SJWWJD news tonight, regular listeners to the show remember last year's infamous Nashville statement, an open letter from powerful evangelicals that gay people are gross, trans people don't exist, and women belong in the kitchen. Yeah, not to be mistaken with all the other statements made in Nashville. Right, confusing, confusing.

Well, apparently, that was a bit too subtle. So in the newly released Statement on Social Justice, or Dallas Statement, those leaders have doubled down on those things. Plus, they've added that black lives really don't matter until they get to heaven for good measure. So from blue lives to black lives, you are welcome. We helped you matter. Sometimes you need to sacrifice everything.

It's right in the poster. You didn't do the poster thing. This was your whole idea. Helped you matter. Welcome. All right. So here are some highlights from the no your aunt isn't really nice in spite of having some disagreement statement they begin by saying quote we are deeply concerned that values borrowed from secular culture are currently undermining scripture in the areas of race and ethnicity manhood and womanhood and human sexuality end quote and look maybe i'm jaded to the casual homophobia of the bible and its proponents but

do they really want to plant their flag on scripture's ideas about race and ethnicity yeah the emancipation proclamation undermined scripture maybe maybe focus on the other stuff i mean it's not like they're worse than the scriptural ideas about human sexuality at least your slaves get to wake up eventually it's true that's true so they go on to explicitly reject that gay christians exist so you know not all wrong. They talk a bit about how women need to serve their husbands. Gay marriage isn't real because the towel is wrapped around their eyes. And then they double down on the race thing again, saying, quote, we reject any teaching that encourages racial groups to view themselves as privileged oppressors or entitled victims of oppression, end quote, end quote. Although families, groups, and nations can sin collectively and cultures can be predisposed to particular sins,

subsequent generations share the collective guilt of their ancestors only if they approve and embrace or attempt to justify those sins, end quote. In other words, let's see, very fine people on both sides. And seriously, when are you guys going to get over the whole slavery thing? What? You first? Yes. Maybe the American South gets over the slavery first and then black people go next.

I would do that if we're going in order. I'm sorry. Did he just try to justify racial injustice by saying it's not bad until you try to justify it or or does he think slavery is the last bad thing the whites did to the blacks which of those is he saying yeah and look i wanted to report on this story not just because it's fucking terrible but because this letter has thousands of signatures from prominent church leaders on both sides of the political aisle. Yes. One of the authors of this and the Nashville statement was pitched around as the fresh new face of Christianity earlier this year,

and mainstream liberal news media fell for it. There is a lot of ways that theocracy is trying to sneak its way into politics right now. But one of the most insidious is by lying about whose side they're on so that you'll give them power. Check out the names on that letter. Yeah. And for a quick counterpoint on the most insidious thing about theocrats, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race.

You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. So before I get started with TWIM proper, I want to congratulate Nick Fish, who was elected the new president of American Atheists last week. Of course, the appointment isn't without controversy.

Given the me-too nature of David Silverman's ouster, I recognize that a lot of atheists were hoping that the next president of the organization would be a woman, and I get that. That being said, I think it's reasonable to believe that the board members made their decision based on qualifications, and I'm happy to throw my support behind the new president. I mean, when it comes to female presidents, I was hoping for in the last few years, this one is a long way from the most disappointing. And before decrying the choice, I think it's worth remembering that the organization had a female president for 45 of the 55 years it's been in existence. So it's not like the organization has a long history of sexism to overcome. Now, I don't mean to be dismissive of the people who were calling for a female leader either.

Atheism is overwhelmingly male and overwhelmingly white, which means that a woman or a person of color or both might have done a lot to improve our demographic diversity. But the flip side of that coin is that when the vast majority of people in your group are white men, the vast majority of qualified presidential hopefuls were also white men. And I'm open to discussion on this point, but it really is kind of a chicken or the egg argument. But the most important thing, in my opinion, is that we give Nick Fish a chance to succeed and we don't saddle him with the sins of the past. All that being said, it would have been nice to at least get a nomination. I'm just saying. Anyway, on to the real sexism. Our first story comes to us from Utah.

Yes, believe it or not, we managed to uncover some misogyny in the polygamy state. And this time it comes in the form of a grown adult admonishing a prepubescent girl for being too sexy. Jada Kelson, an 11-year-old student at Valley Elementary School in Ogden, Utah, was asked to cover herself up with a jacket because otherwise somebody might be distracted by her provocatively visible shoulders. That's right, her shoulders. Now, to his credit, when her dad heard about this, he raised hell. And to the school's credit, when he raised hell, they changed the dress code policy to focus less on visible shoulders and more on in their words students whose clothing was disruptive i mean to be honest it shouldn't take anyone making a fuss about it for these people to

realize that bare fucking shoulders on an 11 year olds aren't problematic and if anybody is distracted by how racy her wide neck t-shirt is it's because they're fucking pervert but this is utah so they get graded on a curve and i know we grow numb to this kind of shit since we see it so often but think about what a fucked up message this is to send to children little boys are being taught not only that they're physically incapable of controlling their intractable sexual urges whenever they see a shoulder and little girls are being taught that it's their fault and their responsibility to circumvent that and this kind of bullshit has real world consequences for both boys and girls that grow up with it take for

example indian politician for fuck's sakes at this name black huddle phil checker con george in a press conference he was asked about a recent report that a nun in the city of gelandar was sexually abused 13 times between 2014 and 2016 and he sided with you guessed it the rapist and why pray tell because the nun didn't complain until a few years after the abuse stopped and he reasons that you, if she wasn't into it, she'd have gone public after the first rape. And believe it or not, it's actually worse than I'm making it sound. His actual answer was, quote, is there any doubt that the nun is a prostitute?

Twelve times it was a pleasure. Thirteenth time it became rape, end quote. Or at least as much of the quote as I'm reading. He goes on at length about what a whore she must have been. Now, it's worth pointing out that this isn't just a case of him saying something awful. He's also the one in charge of

overseeing the investigation of the crime. It's been more than two months since the accusations were made, and still the bishop in question remains unpunished. Some observers have accused the government of inaction because the bishop has a remains unpunished. Some observers have accused the government of inaction because the bishop has a lot of money. But as somebody who's been doing this segment for years,

I think that might be more explanation than they need. It doesn't take money for powerful men to ignore accusations of rape and sexual assault. It just takes powerful men. And on that note, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Keith, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in vajayjay news, we have a positive story about Goop. HIV positive. They're selling it now.

Well, in case anyone's not familiar, Goop is Gwyneth Paltrow's impossibly successful business empire of nonsense and lies known for selling among other absurd items jade vagina eggs that they claimed would perform about 20 different medicinal functions and another 20 or so magical functions well it turns out according to the data they were about uh over 40 on that. That was about zero. And that's why they agreed last week to pay $145,000 as part of a settlement in a consumer protection lawsuit. So that was fun. To be fair to Goop, though, the plaintiffs didn't even wait for the damn things to hatch. Right.

Also, inquiring minds want to know, how many claimants are we talking? How much prefer burger? Like, what do we, you know, I think it is. Yeah. It's Southern California. They're doing something anyway. Uh, these are some of the actual claims they were making about the health benefits of shoving a $60 rock in your vagina.

Goop.com was telling customers that the eggs would quote, cultivate sexual energy. I mean, increase orgasm, balance the cycle. If you were menstruating askew, I guess, balance that. Stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls. Tighten and tone. Prevent uterine prolapse. Apparently, they can go inside out sometimes. And without the eggs, you could have an outie baby.

I don't know what, I have no idea what that one's about. Also, develop and clear chi pathways. Intensify feminine energy. Invigorate your life force. Sure. And increase control of the whole perineum. What? In case your taint has the tendency to go rogue

sometimes. Keep it under control. Get that taint under fucking control. Arnold Schwarzenegger has to hunt down your taint before it blows up Los Angeles. We've all been there. You put Cory Booker in that motherfucker as his bad cop, and I'm in. As the taint.

Yeah, so that was all complete nonsense, but that doesn't mean the eggs are completely useless. For example, they could probably help block an attack by a vaginal steam laser, for example. But that actually fucks up another important prong of their business plan over at goop so they didn't mention that part regardless the fact that this became part of a lawsuit makes me very happy because not only were the liars forced to pay money and stop lying it also means that people with very expensive university educations had to argue about the minutia of taint control.

I mean, look, I have nine houses in Georgia's worth of university education, and here we are. So, you know what I'm saying? That's right. If that's your thing, I recommend The Skeptocrat. Yeah. So, bottom line, in the grand scheme of things, $145,000 is a drop in the bucket for Gwyneth Paltrow and her giant business that's worth a quarter billion dollars, by the way. I want to change sides. I want to change sides.

Yeah. But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they sold homeopathic drop in a bucket at some point as an actual product that they carried. So anything bad that happens to them is good. Right. Yes. Homeopathic fine. Yeah, exactly. And in Tipper Gore news, nobody's sure exactly which satanic sorcerer

cast the spell that caused Liz Croken the tips of two of her fingers, but she's pointing her stump firmly at Hillary Clinton. Croken, an insane conspiracy theorist and right-wing watch mainstay, posted a video last week in which she detailed a surfing accident in which a sudden wave ripped a surfboard away from her and took the tips of two of her fingers now she admitted that could have been a freak

accident but concluded it was far more likely the result of oceanic witch magic wait wait how tight was she holding that surfboard? I'm sorry, what? I understand very little about the world. It was on a rope. Anyway. Why would a finger? Who you may remember from every anti-Hillary conspiracy theory ever listed Clinton as the chief culprit who is likely targeting her due to her unrelenting efforts to expose the cabal of satanic cannibal pedophiles that secretly rules the world. Though she admitted that it also might have been artist Marina Abramovich,

because honestly, that's so clearly a fucking witch name. Quote, These people that I expose engage in witchcraft. You know, the people like Marina Abramovich, the people like Hillary Clinton, the people from the deep state articles that are getting ready to write a hit piece on me right now, end quote. So I guess I'm on the suspect list too, because I can't imagine Hillary has any comment at all on this shit. Okay, two points. One, I ruined Maria Abramovich's performance at NYU by making her laugh with a Jewish joke. And two, I googled Marina Abramovich, which,

and it takes you right to the heart of the internet's crazy five out of five highly recommend it's sound it's i'm brahmovich i'm a witch oh it's still close yeah all right right such a good double bluff you wouldn't put it that close so she is but okay so i love the choice to only go with two fingers i think that's my favorite part and just the tips. Yeah, right. If I'm Hillary Clinton and I've got witch powers, I'm going to jump the gun and just take the whole hand or the arm or something big. But that ruins the whole mind game with Liz Crokin. This is such a great slow play.

I like it. It's smart. Anyway, so Crokin wasn't about to make such outrageous claims without offering up some evidence. So she added, quote, look it up. Do research on Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton and their trip to Haiti and how I think it was their honeymoon. They admitted to doing voodoo there together, end quote. So setting aside that she followed up, do research with. I think it was on a question that auto completes four words in one can't help but wonder why they

didn't go for a vital organ or like he said the whole fucking finger at least but voodoo works in mysterious ways I suppose uh by the way you have to read Bill's description of this in his memoir he's like the guy rubbed a torch on his dick and the lady bit her head off a chicken it was crazy and finally in god's not the fed news tonight the year was 1988 and donald h bell senior was a successful home builder and ready to retire at the age of 56 a mere three years older than heath is now why are you keep why do you keep doing Stop telling people my age wrong. You know my age. I am testing my powers. Are you testing your powers by trying to age Heath by almost 20 years?

Yes. Okay, well, given your current record, I would like you to please stop. Yeah, right. You took that chick's fingers like nothing. No. Anyway, Donnie Bells did not retire because instead, he received a financial tip on that fateful day from God. So God told him not to retire and instead to buy a bank and build several value place extended stay hotels instead.

Right. Because if it works in Monopoly. Yeah. works at monopoly yeah so it turns out that was not a great idea because this week we learned that god's advice landed donnie 30 million dollars in debt he walks into his bankruptcy hearing just slowly setting up monopoly and then he flips the board and runs out lands onto the board that the lehman brothers did that with yeah so it turns out 2004 was not a great year to be taking out giant loans on speculative real estate. You'd think God would have known that.

But good news, Donald Trump took care of all those pesky regulations that put a stop to this kind of thing. So, you know, maybe Buddha or Bahrain or something will reach out to Mr. Bell so he can give it a second go. Or maybe Russia can help. Yeah, exactly yeah exactly yeah all sorts of debt yeah untouchable powers or he could just get the fed and barack obama to bail him out by printing more money which they're just going to destroy with the war in afghanistan that obama started you got to listen to all the shows and know that the fed is a ponzi scheme that's all right

oh my god now that heath needs a minute to breathe into a paper bag we're gonna close the headlines right there heath eli thanks as always jew ponzi when we come back we'll be back it's time for the part of the show that comes next listener feedback this is the part of the show where people say i understand you're joking about everything else but i'm pretty sure you meant this one or at least this week that's what it's about all right our first message comes from mark who wrote to us about a bible piece Theater segment we did on episode 286. And he said, quote, I was very disappointed that you continued to perpetuate the lie that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of homosexual sex. As a gay man and former evangelical, I've been fighting this lie for 53 years. Plus, you managed to tie eating shit to homosexual sex. I know

this is all made up, but it still hurts to have my sexuality tied to Sodom and Gomorrah, as even the Bible does not claim that it was destroyed because of homosexuality. End quote. So, yeah, first of all, I should say that we love Mark. We met him at Reason Rally back in 2016

and he's just continuously impressed the shit out of me. Mark's the best. He's awesome. Yeah, I like Mark. He had his own diatribe. And he's called us out a time or two in the past, and usually with good reason. But in this instance, I don't know that the reason is really justified. So point one is that Sodom and Gomorrah never existed, and there's no reason to believe any of this was based on a true thing.

So saying that we're getting the facts wrong is obviously an error. There is no correct way to tell a story that never happened. That being said, that doesn't really speak to Mark's larger point about the gay stuff not actually being cited as the reason for the city's destruction. And he linked to an article and also sent a follow-up email making this point. And they make good, if not entirely convincing arguments. I mean, the thing that's happening when god destroys the city is a bunch of people trying to buttfuck the angels right i mean granted you could say it's just as much about the rape and you know that's what pissed god off but elsewhere in the book god you know is only 50 shekels worth of pissed about that so it's not like this is definitive scholarship that all biblical analysts would agree with but even if

it was bible peace theater isn't about what the Bible really says, and it certainly isn't about what it really means, whatever the fuck that is. We introduced the devil into the story in the first segment, even though he doesn't show up in the book until the New Testament. The whole bit is based on the common understanding of the stories,

even when those don't line up with the literal text. And the fact that the word sodomy is named after this story strongly supports the common understanding theory. All that being said, I definitely agree with Mark's overall point that there's value in pointing out to evangelicals that this is not what the Bible actually says. Any way that we can nudge Christians towards acceptance is good,

in my opinion, but our audience here is not evangelicals. Even if we have homophobic listeners their their homophobia isn't being reinforced by thinking god doesn't like man-on-man action uh and lastly i want to address the shit-eating point that he makes because here i feel like the argument tries to have it both ways right like either we're saying that sodom was destroyed because of gay sex or we're saying it was destroyed because it was a den of iniquity and this kid also had murder in it and you know mark didn't argue that we're saying it was destroyed because it was a den of iniquity, and the skit also had murder in it, and, you know, Mark didn't argue that we're trying to tie murder into gay sex.

We were presenting what would be in biblical terms a den of sin, and that would logically include a dude blowing a bunch of other dudes. All that being said, I do want to thank Mark for this email, even if I didn't exactly agree with the points he's making. It sent me down a really interesting road of biblical interpretation, and it's important that we're held in check by our listeners, even if sometimes we disagree with their conclusions and by the way just real quick if we have homophobic listeners go fuck yourself what are you doing oh yeah also

yeah right from our hearts yeah and so specifics of this instance aside and i want to mention i agree with no specific points i think he argues them really well i want to mention that we get feedback a lot that runs along the lines of like, hey, how come you guys made fun of X, like poly relationships or spoon terminology? Hell, I got a genuinely angry and hurt email from someone about how packet loading is a perfectly acceptable strategy in the Pokemon trading card game. Genuinely upset. And look, in the Pokemon trading card game. I'm genuinely upset.

And look, as much as I love Mark, there is no way to read his email to us that doesn't tacitly accuse us of homophobia. And so I know I've said this before, but first of all, if you're ever upset you hear about a joke on our show, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. Genuinely, goal of the show is to make you laugh,

make you feel welcomed and loved, like you have community, all that stuff. But we're not sorry we made the joke because we have to be able to joke about anything and everything. But everyone has tender parts and we're sorry we hit yours. But the second part of this that I want to address is when you send us feedback like that, like the why did you make a joke about blank what you're saying is hey i know that you're joking when you make jokes about murder and starvation and rape and genocide but i'm pretty sure you meant this one and i never meant this one never we've said this so many times, we are pretty clear when we're being serious. Yeah, Noah's talking.

Yeah, and we're pretty clear when we're joking. Right, when Eli and I would be talking. Exactly. Except that. On the show, and if you ever hear a joke that you think is serious, please ask yourself first if the reason you're upset has more to do with us or you. And secondly, what are you implying about us when you say we meant it? Good guidelines.

And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. We love you, Mark. Love you, Mark. Before we evacuate the studio tonight,

I want to express our best wishes to all our listeners in the path of hurricane Florence. Stay safe. I know that Pat Robertson and Kit Kerr have tossed out some pretty powerful God magic to stifle this thing, but just in case that doesn't work, get the fuck out of there and stay safe. Anyway,

that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, assuming that that hurricane doesn't swing south, that is, and an even newer episode of our sister

show's hot friend, Godolphin Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, that'd be a sad excuse for me if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for managing to stay sane despite his cable and internet going out on opening day for the NFL.

Not sure I managed that, but he did. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for managing to stay sane despite moving to New Jersey, no less. I need to thank my lovely wife, Lucinda Lusions, for managing to stay sane despite being my wife.

And I also want to thank John Cutting from Fortunasaga.com for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I'm not really qualified to speak to his sanity, but thanks regardless. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most dashing diploids, Kit, Amy, Vera Lane, Chris with a K, Chris with a C, Devin, Mark, Joshua, Sean, Craig, and Daniel. Kit, Amy, Vera Lane, and Chris with a K, whose pheromones have an MPAA rating. Chris with a C, Devin, Mark, and Joshua, whose ejaculations give Hurricane Florence storm surge envy. And Sean, Craig, and Daniel, whose IQs have so many digits, Liz Croak, and asked if she could borrow a few.

Together, these 11 elegant, eloquent elites elected to elevate our electronic elegy for religion this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the unique blend of herbs and spices it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

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Tim Rapinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skating, atheist.com. Sarah. I'm going to go at my Sarah SHS on. Sarah Huckabee Sanderson. Gonna get my Sarah SHS on. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Okay. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC.

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