The Scathing Atheist - 295: Time Warp Edition

Episode Date: October 11, 2018

In this week’s episode, we travel backwards in time then forward, back to now. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out Mark’s blog about old school tabletop role playing games here: http://noschoololdschoolgames.blogspot.com./

Warning, the following podcast contains obscene language, even British stuff like clunge and bugger. Now that I said clunge and bugger. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Simple Contacts and by Jew Apron, the new meal delivery service that comes with somebody calling afterwards to make sure you're finished. And again, the next day to see if you pooped. Jew Apron, really, there are children starving in our warehouse.

And now, the scathing atheist. This is Mark A. Seifert from No School Like the Old School, a blog dedicated to classic tabletop role-playing games, reminding you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Armor class 8, 2 hit dice, saves as a level 2 fighter, and has 20 XP each. Now roll for initiative. It's Thursday. It's October 11th. And it's World Sight Day.

Yeah, I don't really see the point of that. Yeah, because it's a globe on the world. Euclidean humor, I'm down. I'm also no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Great Again, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, Good husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. Liar, we're in England right now.

On this week's episode, spoiler alert, priests were raping kids in all the states. Donald Trump considers Bill Cosby for the Supreme Court because justice is blind. And the Bible will continue to be better with funny voices. But first, the diatribe. The whole of human knowledge is built on the same three words. I, don't, and no. That's the most productive answer that has ever been uttered to any question. We never fully explored the world until we started leaving blank spaces on the map. We never fully cataloged the atomic variety of the universe until we started leaving blanks on our chart.

We never fully cataloged the atomic variety of the universe until we started leaving blanks on our chart. We never achieved a single advancement of any kind before admitting that we didn't know. And despite this answer's stellar track record of advancing human civilization, we still reflexively avoid it. I remember hearing this bit on an episode of the Freakonomics podcast where they bring a bunch of kids in and they tell them all a story. Susie and her brother Tommy go to the beach with her babysitter. They have ice cream on the way home, right? That's all the details that they give them. And then they start asking the kids questions that they couldn't possibly know the answer to, given the details that they had to work with, right?

Which flavor was the ice cream? Did the kids listen to the radio on the way? What was the babysitter's name? And the result is a bunch of kids desperately trying not to say, I don't know. They're just making shit up, trying to work out some puzzle that isn't there, never considering that the correct answer when they didn't know something was, I don't know. Now, this is far from a perfect illustration. Normally, when a grown up is asking a kid in a school for answers, they're not looking for I don't know. So the kids are taught to avoid that answer in this environment. But it's not like this fear of not knowing needs a lot of demonstration, right? I mean,

we're all walking around with brains in our heads every day and worse yet, interacting with other people who are similarly afflicted. So any of us can probably scrape together a memory where they said something stupid rather than admit they didn't know, right? And if you don't want to get introspective, you can at least come up with an example of watching someone else do that. And I don't know if this reluctance to admit our ignorance is cultural or innate. I'm not sure how you'd know that, but I'm tempted to think it's innate since our culture should be sending the opposite message. Right. And not just like should as in that would be better, but like that's what it should be doing as it stands. The smartest people I know are the ones who are quickest to say, I don't know.

Right. And the dumbest people I know are the quickest to pretend to knowledge. It seems like the cultural carrots and sticks would swing the other way. I mean, if for no other reason than being caught talking out of your ass is almost always more embarrassing than honestly not knowing something, but regardless of how we get here, here we are a whole species full of people that when pressed will admit that

they only know the tiniest imaginable sliver of the sum total of all human knowledge, but anxious about giving people any reason to suspect that. And I think that more than anything, except maybe the fear of death, this is the reason religion is able to thrive in a modern society. Look, I go to bed every night frustrated by the thought of all the stuff I'm still not going to know when I die. So I get the temptation to wash all that away as meaningless details and replace it with pretend knowledge. You know, hell, pretend knowledge is allowed to be absolute because there are no rules when you're just making shit up. If you want to keep up with real knowledge, you have to keep learning. And like Dewey said, the process and goal of education are the same

thing. But if you want to check out of that hamster wheel, religion will happily sell you the only answer you'll ever need. And, you know, in the modern day, in a country like the U.S., it's easy for the consequences of that kind of shit to hide. I mean, you rewind a couple of centuries to people being burned alive for trying to predict eclipses, and it's pretty hard to miss. But in the modern day, when you have enough people ignoring religious certainty in favor of scientific ambiguity, it can almost seem harmless once in a while. Hell, one could even mistake it for a positive since it allows all the stupid people to fill a hole their intellects wouldn't allow them to fill in any other way. Right. I mean, there's a certain amount of intelligence you need to understand the answers to some pretty basic questions. So, you know, even if the dumbed down why is the sky blue explanation is over their head god had too much blue left as the only real substitute right but this ignores the danger of fooling fools into thinking they

aren't fools like i'm sorry i know it sounds callous but stupid people should probably know they're stupid right they should at least know enough to know that smart people know more stuff right and not be distracted by this well-polished illusion that their pretend knowledge about imaginary stuff is just as good as the real knowledge about the real stuff that smart people have. I mean, I'm not saying it isn't theoretically possible to preserve this illusion and not carve out society-wide exceptions to the obligation to know shit, but I am saying nobody's figured out how to do it yet. But beyond that, ignorance isn't just a hole best filled with knowledge. It's a hole that needs to stay a hole. You know, intellectual humility is only possible when you start with an admission of ignorance.

Even the smartest and most knowledgeable among us knows that they're dumping thimbles into an empty ocean every time they learn something. It's not like the goal is to reach a point where you don't have any more ignorance. Hell, even that analogy with the thimble fails because every time you come back with a thimble full of new knowledge, the reservoir you're dumping it into gets bigger. Learning about one thing inevitably forces you to confront your ignorance about the dozen other things that that leads to. But ultimate truth can't coexist with indelible ignorance, so they inevitably conflict. And when they do, our willingness to admit ignorance, the cornerstone of all of human advancement is more often than not used as a bludgeon against our position. From our collective willingness to admit we don't know what happened before the Big Bang,

to my personal admission, to my gaps in knowledge of Big Bang cosmology, our advantage is weaponized by people with far more ignorance. And we're tempted at that point to point out that, you know, two I don't knows don't default to the guy who asked the question, but they never have to admit that they don't know. Their whole thing is not admitting that. In fact, so it becomes a contest between our knowledge of our ignorance and their ignorance of their own. See, they're not wrong when they talk about that God sized hole we all carry around. God is infinite and there is that infinite hole. It's just not in our hearts. We, the atheists, embrace the vastness of our ignorance while they stuff theirs full of Jesus.

And although it doesn't lead to any medical breakthroughs and it'll never take them to the moon, I guess if you eat enough cotton, eventually you'll at least feel full. Hey, Heath, what's up it's uh my contact i tried this miserable maze of a website to order contacts and this morning they sent me 60 boxes of thinly sliced wine gums and and you don't know what's wrong with that i like wine gums sure yeah but but i wanted to make ordering contacts easy and inexpensive, and the wine gums weren't helpful. Why didn't you try Simple Contacts? Oh, what's Simple Contacts?

Simple Contacts is a super convenient way to renew your contact lens prescription and reorder your contacts from anywhere in minutes. You can take a five-minute vision test from your phone or computer. It's carefully reviewed by a licensed doctor. You receive a renewed prescription and order your brand of lenses. They have all the brands you're familiar with at great prices, making vision care simple, accessible, and affordable.

Wow, really? Because these guys made me upload my vision test to a fax machine and then mail them the physical fax machine itself. Yeah, and Simple Context just lets you do it from your computer. It does? Yeah, with Simple Contacts, I was amazed at how simple and cheap everything was. And uploading my prescription was a breeze. Yeah, on the website, all the names were in Uzbeki, where I was going. So I just kind of guessed at it.

Yeah, I see. Well, if you want to try Simple Contacts, you can get $20 off your contacts at simplecontacts.com slash scathing20 or enter code scathing20 at checkout. Did you say simplecontacts.com slash scathing20 and then enter the code scathing20? Yeah, I did. This is a replacement for your periodic full eye health exam, but it's the best way to buy contacts online. So what do I do with these wine gums, you think? Send them back? Right.

If I already ate them? Don't send them back. Okay. I have my answer. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are temporally nondescript heath enright and eli bosnick we had to record this one in advance so we couldn't put up any new up-to-date headlines uh but we do have some old ones that we stocked up in the run-up to this show so without further ado we'll join the headlines already in progress and in save my Soul news tonight.

Pretty sure a bunch of people get, oh, wait for it. Wait for it. Pretty sure a bunch of people in Argentina are fucking with me, but I do not know. I do not know is what this story is about. Okay. So, you know how Americans see people in South America, like, crowded around a statue of Mary leaking sewage water or, like, still being Catholic? Weird stuff. And we're like, well, you know, South America loves themselves some Jesus.

All right. So either two former journalists noticed how often that happens and our church of sataning the fuck out of us or or what i'm about to tell you is real and like all religion is interchangeable but again i cannot emphasize enough i do not know i do not know okay um well neither do we what's the story about the inferiority of south americans so far that's where i'm starting that is where i'm starting established move on established that's a background according to vice there is a dedicated but growing church to former soccer star diego armando Maradona. Complete with its own set of Ten Commandments, regular weekly services, and a Facebook page with over 100,000 members and baptisms.

Huh. Yeah. In the article, the vice team attends a baptism of twin girls named Mara and Dona. No. Complete with, yes, complete with, it's a video, complete with Argentina jerseys and hymns. Hymns to Diego. That's actually pretty great.

And I'm pretty sure it's just to spite England. Right. Because Diego Maradona just blatantly cheated England out of the quarter finals of the 1986 World Cup. It's legendary. And it's with a goal that's called the hand of God goal. Maradona just decided, you know what? I'm fucking using my hand and nobody's going to notice. Yes. And he punched himself a goal. He punched the ball into the goal and somehow none of the refs noticed that shit. Then, four minutes later, he scored arguably the greatest goal in history, even though he should have been off the field with a red card for intentionally punching a goal four minutes before that.

Actually, that sounds like a god now that we're talking through it. It sounds like a lot like what a god would do. Hell of a lot more than a little more than the Christian god ever did for South America, right? hell of a lot more than a little more than the christian god ever did for south america right and it's probably worth mentioning that as like straightforward as these people seem hemet meta over at the friendly atheist blog pointed out that gods don't usually have a very public cocaine problem or have to be treated for hepatitis. Also, by the way, Maradona wears two watches, one on each wrist at all times because he's a fucking crazy person. And he looks a lot like Kathy Bates if we were just giving him a few notes. And in better late than never news, in the wake of an encyclopedic condemnation of Catholic child rapists and child rapist enablers in Pennsylvania,

at least seven state attorneys general are launching inquiries into all the kid rape cabals in their states, too. Florida, Illinois, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, New Jersey and New York have all initiated investigations in the past couple of weeks because apparently the 2002 report out of Boston flew under their radars for the past 16 years, despite the best picture winner back in 2015. I mean, I'm pretty sure we all turned to each other and we're like, yeah, but it was Boston's kids they were raping and torturing. Well, everyone in New York said that, yeah. Those Irish kids are super attractive up there.

We're safe in New York, though. We're fine, right? Right? Did you say Missouri, by the way? Is that one of the states? I guess I'll give Missouri a pass. All right, so New Jersey Attorney General and defrosted alien spy who had to come up with a name quick before familiarizing himself with human nomenclature, Gerber S. Gruel.

That fucking Ford Prefect was taken? Anyway, so Gruel excused the belated move by claiming that the Pennsylvania report, quote, revealed that sexual assaults on children and efforts to cover up such assaults were far more widespread in Pennsylvania than we ever thought possible, end quote. Not adding, I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Be familiar with anything that's happened in the last 20 years? My name's Gerber S. Gruhl. Because I am not a defrosted alien my favorite actor is ice t wow i got that right awesome actor all right so to this point every diocese that's commented on the investigations have committed to full cooperation because let's face it nobody was remotely punished for the Pennsylvania report. So they literally have nothing to fucking lose.

But I should say that of the seven, the most intriguing one here is Illinois, because in August of last year, that state removed the statute of limitations on felony sex abuse in the wake of the Denny Hastert conviction. Of course, given that, we're expecting them only to receive documents detailing the criminal misconduct of dead people in Illinois. Just a gunshot from inside the rectory and we're good here's your file are covered in blood oh sorry uh one more quick thing just uh hold these files and uh hold my beer blam and in bada bing news tonight now that i'm a new jersey eight i gotta rep the nj if you know what i mean absolutely not no veto you live on a literal pile of garbage eli okay okay first of all it's poison garbage second of all fair all right so as we reported last week despite our hopes that catholic priests were all

yankee fans and we're just really following through when they said fuck boston several states have started investigations into abuse by priests and in new jersey it's going well or not well what is it when you're looking for rape and you find a lot of rape? A Supreme Court confirmation. Well, if the Me Too movement has taught me anything, the term for that is looking for rape. Patreon goldmine. Yeah. So just a week after the state attorney general's office launched a special task force to investigate allegations of sexual abuse within the Catholic Diocese of New Jersey, a dedicated call-in center to allow victims to speak with investigators received so many calls that they broke the hotline. What the fuck?

It's like they invented the cronut, but for reporting abuse of little kids. Right. The Catholic Church is the cronut of pedophilia? Okay, the analogy got away from me. I'm just, I'm really hungry. Right. Come have a meeting, Heath. I told you.

Go for it. So, according to NJ.com, the drastically understaffed hotline had to assign more people to it, and multiple people on Twitter reported not being able to get through at all. Now, the problem has since been corrected, but many who've been advocating for victims for years are unsurprised. Democratic Senator Joseph Vitale, who's been pushing to eliminate New

Jersey's limits on civil lawsuits involving child sex abuse complaints against priests, said, quote, I've been working on the issue for 20 years or more and have met dozens and dozens of survivors. Some have never talked about it before, end quote. Okay, I know this is minor, but what kind of hold music do you use for that hotline, right? Like somebody had to figure that out. Somebody's like, hey, Tim Minchin's got a great one for that. Hold on, hold on. And more horrifying still, attorney Greg Gianforcaro, who has brought many sexual abuse cases against the church over the years, said, quote, I predict that the findings from New Jersey's grand jury report will expose even more abuse than Pennsylvania's report has, end quote. So as horrible as Pennsylvania and Boston discoveries were, get ready, folks, because it seems like we just scratched the surface. Who knew? And in polls apart news tonight,

we were reminded once again how fucking easy it is for atheists to be the good guys in social debate by a new poll from NPR, PBS, and Marist. According to a poll taken last week, in the lead up to the Christine Blasey Ford testimony,

48% of evangelicals in America said that Brett Kavanaugh should be confirmed to the Supreme Court eveny Ford testimony, 48% of evangelicals in America said that Brett Kavanaugh should be confirmed to the Supreme Court even if the charges against him were true. What? Yeah, right. And then these results quite predictably led to a lot of online outrage

and probably at least more than one Republican donor going, then what the fuck am I spending all this money on smearing her? He ain't even gonna rule any rape cases. It's fine. Why would they be in the Supreme Court? It's fine. Okay, well, just in case the GOP decides that, you know, sexual assault

is a deal breaker. I know that's a long shot, but just in case they decide that, quick reminder, if you live in Nevada, Arizona, Montana, North Dakota, Missouri, Indiana, Tennessee, New Jersey, Florida and Texas, you have Senate races that are really, really close. Also, everyone else. You should also vote.

There's also the other part of Congress. There's also other elections. Look up your races for everything. Maybe set up that babysitter. It's November 6th. You set it up now can't hurt i'll watch your kids no no no okay so look i'm gonna be a little bit more sympathetic than i normally am here but don't worry i'll turn it around at the end if the evangelicals actually

believe their line about abortion being the same as murdering a baby you could almost see their willingness to put a rapist on the supreme court if they think that's what's necessary, you know, to overturn Roe v. Wade. But that's not even the tepid intellectual exoneration that it might seem, because what it should actually demonstrate to you is how terrifying it is to have religions out there using that kind of rhetoric, you know, the kind that will convince people to confirm a rapist to the Supreme Court if it means they get their way judicially. I mean, I get it. Like, if I thought he was going to disband the Electoral College and gerrymandering, I would put

Harvey Weinstein on the court. He's old. What harm can he do, right? Jewish? That's fun. Luckily for America, Eli doesn't have the skills to make the Yale JV basketball team. That's at Yale, by the way. The university. It's called Yale.

It's in New York. I didn't know anybody connecticut now evangelism yeah okay that counts now evangelicals weren't the worst subgroup in the survey while nearly half of them were okay with the attempted raping and the subsequent lying about it to the senate a whopping 54 of those people hillary clinton had the gall to call deplorable, also known as Republicans, so that they would continue to support Kavanaugh, even if he did try to rape a girl. Not included in this survey, of course, is that this support would likely disintegrate if that rape had led to an abortion that he paid for. Right? For both fucking groups.

For both of those two groups. Because this is what inevitably happens when you try to enforce non-overlapping magisteria between the part of your culture that does the knowing and the part that does the morals. 54%. Like, you could pretty fairly divide up a game of dodgeball

among Republicans by who does and doesn't think being a rapist is a disqualifying characteristic in a Supreme Court justice. All right. Next up in headlines. In no-doy news,

Burt and Ernie are super-duper gay. Felt like that was pretty obvious and also adorable. But this came as a shocking revelation to homophobic Christian people last week, especially the ones who spend a weird amount of time closely following the content of publications about the LGBTQ community like Queerty. That's a great name.

During, yeah, it is. During a recent interview, Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman said he wrote the two characters based on himself and his longtime partner, Arnold Glassman. And now millions of Christian guys who used to watch Sesame Street are giving themselves the gay boner test and freaking out. They're probably failing.

Because Burt and Ernie are a very sexy couple. They are. Are they not? Yeah, and they look alike. One is obviously a top. I mean, how could they not see? How could they not see? I am profoundly curious what the rubber ducky represented in their real relationship.

I get it. I know. Just for the record, religious bigots have been trying to argue with pride groups for decades about how to interpret the Bert and Ernie roommate relationship. But Saltzman finally gave us the official confirmation, which went viral pretty much immediately. And it led to such a ridiculous meltdown from Christian groups that the studio behind the show had to, again, like they've done many times before, issue a statement explaining to the crazy people that these are Muppets. And they don't fuck each other during the children's television program and therefore don't technically have a sexual orientation in that sense. Except

they do. They're gay. So fuck the studio and fuck all the bigots. They're gay. Just deal with it. It's a gay couple. They're amazing. Look, if our listeners can turn Noah Heath and Lucinda into a polycule and me into a pedophile, the least PBS can do is entertain Bert giving Ernie analingus.

That's a very, we don't need to say it. Maybe they reference it. Maybe they use the rubber ducky. Thank you. I was getting there, right? Yeah. So again, it's kind of a deal with it type scenario in my opinion, but it should come as no surprise that plenty of Christian people absolutely cannot deal with it. And that includes conservative activist, former Colorado congressman, and bacon-wrapped scallop come to life, Gordon Klingensmith. During a recent episode of his TV show, he made the following statement. Quote, Mark Saltzman is actually trying to recruit children into his perverse lifestyle

so that he can eventually recruit them you already said that to become what he is homosexuals he's he's more than one homosexual plural homosexuals it's very interesting multiple dimensions maybe i don't know continuing the quote because they don't have their own children they have to recruit the children of heterosexual couples in order to continue and propagate their own population of sex partners. End quote. They're like the Borg. You see less gay. Right.

You know, I kind of want to hear Gordon Klingenschmitt's opinion on where the first gay came from, right? I'm terrified, though, that he's just been waiting for somebody to ask. He has. He has. And in radical reconstruction of history news, the Doogie Howser of absurdly stupid pastors Matt Powell said words into a recording device again. Damn it. Powell said words into a recording device again.

Damn it. Pausing my automated alert system to send me a text, an email, a phone call, a fax, and a singing telegram. It's a crazy fun moment for me when that happens. You may remember Powell as the 22-year-old preacher who suggested a national dress code for women, called for a gay genocide, and proved the gospels are true by explaining how four random dudes walked into his house and ejaculated. Well, this time around, he told us about

not making this up, the brave dinosaurs who fought in the American Civil War. Yes! I like how we've gotten to watch Matt slowly descend from like 22-year-old who probably shouldn't have put the video of his first

sermon on YouTube to Bigfoot's official spokesman. Yeah! They grow up so fast. Yes, so here's the exact words we got from Matt Powell during a recent interview. I believe if we study history, the Confederates were able to shoot pterodactyls.

Great start, Matt Powell. Great start. I wonder what they were able to shoot if you study, I don't know, drama or philosophy. Interesting that it's based on what you study. You could find out what they were shooting. Anyway, continuing. Anybody can look it up online. They spread these things out and this is historical fact. Like you have to say so often when you're giving. Also, kittens used to surf through the cosmos on pizza slices. I didn't believe it at first neither, but I've seen pictures. Yeah. Continuing the quote one more time. So they spread this thing out and it's got huge wing length.

It's a pterodactyl they shot. So of course, these things have been around. Now they went extinct, obviously, slowly but surely. And I'm going to do him a huge favor and just end the quote here.

So he doesn't have to spend five minutes ending his thought like Gary Busey trying to stop running, which he does if you were to hear the rest of the quote. So yeah, end quote right there. And this was in a debate. Classic gun to a knife fight situation where Godless Engineer was debating him about this. He's like, okay, so if humans and dinosaurs coexisted, why didn't the other cultures write about it? And then Powell's like, what about them dinosaurs from the Civil War? It was like Twitter, but you got to see the look on my face. It was so amazing.

So just to be clear, the historical fact he was talking about that anybody can look up online is a promotional image for a show called freaky links from 2000 2001 it shows a band of confederate soldiers standing over a pterodactyl that might as well have a watermark that says property of photoshop and just to make it even better that show was about a guy who debunked stupid conspiracies that was the point of the show oh the first episode he kicks the shit out of a guy named fat mal no it's not too subtle okay no but i mean look the image was literally designed to be the dumbest thing the host could imagine someone believing from the internet right right? It was an avatar for stupid and it succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.

And just a couple other quick notes before we wrap it up. First of all, I think my favorite detail about this whole thing is that Matt Powell thinks the pterodactyls were specifically on the Union Army side, depending on what he saw.

In his head, these were abolitionist pterodactyls. These were anti-slavery pterodactyls. But more importantly, Matt Powell needs to stop wasting time on stupid fucking interviews and get his movie done. He promised us

that his debunking of evolution entitled Science Falsely So-Called would be out on September 22nd. We built it into our schedule for God-awful movies. We had a giant party set up with strippers and blow. There's a cargo container of avocados just sitting on my front porch. I look like an idiot. It's getting ridiculous.

Well, you know, Heath, he's 22. He's probably, you know, concerned with drinking and partying. Yeah, never mind. Where's our movie, man? Make the movie. Yeah, right? Where's our movie? Just for us.

As one picks one's way through the pages of the Bible, there are always new surprises to be discovered about how monstrous the good book really is. But if the spoonful of sugar you need to make the medicine go down has funny voices and sound effects, then don't touch that dial. Because that's not at all how podcasts work. And also because we're pleased to present another chapter of Bible Peace Theater. Hey, Dina, daughter of Jacob. Oh, hey, Shechem, the son of Hamer, the Hivite. What's up? Nothing.

I was just wondering how you'd feel about me defiling you. Uh, bad. But I love you. Seriously? Yes, that is what the book says. Of course it does. Dad, dad, dad, dad. Remember that girl I raped?

I have a letter here from 65 people saying that you- No, no, no, no, no. I want to, I want to marry her. You want to marry the girl you raped? Yes. So you want me to go to the father of the girl you raped and ask for her hand in marriage yes sure why not absolutely not jacob no no 100 no 100% no. Look, is this about the raping? The raping? What? No.

No, you guys aren't circumcised. Gross. What? You're dicks. They're all not circumcised. It's the worst. So you're not mad about the raping? I mean, I don't love the uncircumcised penis that did it, if that's what you're asking.

Is that what you're getting at? Not what I was asking. Hivites, gather round. Hear me. Jacob, head of the pre-Jews, has made a great offer to our people. Oh, yeah? What's that? Those among us who are circumcised may marry his daughters,

and his sons will marry our daughters in return. Uh, I'm sorry, what's a circumcise? It's where you cut off the tip of your winky. Oh! Oh, why? What? Why would anyone do that? So you can marry Jacob's daughters. So the reward for cutting off the tip of my dick is fucking a Jewish girl?

Not better. Yeah, well, the book says you guys said yes, so get used to it. Oh, man. I hate this book. Stupid book. Dude, my dick is on fire. Why would anyone do this before ice exists? I mean, ice already exists.

Really? Now? Now you gotta do this thing? Aha! Oh, hey, Jacob's sons. What's up, guys? Oh, uh, we're gonna kill you now. Wait, what? Wait, you let us cut off the tips of our dicks and now you're gonna kill us? Yeah, it was like It was like a trick. Seriously? I tricked you.

You couldn't have thought of a different trick? Like drugging some wine or something? Well, how would that even work? I don't know. All I know is that this is a total dick move, man. Yeah, super dick move. Yeah, well, we're already here, so it's happening. Well, honestly, at this point, I'm pretty glad to be getting killed.

Yeah, two votes. And Jacob's son returned to him and told him what they did. You did what? Look, they're the ones that defiled our sister. So, you burned the city down and took their wives and children as slaves? Yes. I cannot believe you. I mean, we tricked them into circumcising themselves first.

You did? Yeah, yeah. A bunch of them did it. Oh. Okay, then. Good stuff. Good stuff. We should get out of here, though.

People are going to be mad. Oh. Oh, okay. Cool. Grab my earrings and strange gods. You're a weird guy, Dad. Strange gods. Did you hear me?

Jacob. Jacob. Yes? God? Hey, first of all, good job with the dick thing. Classic. Right? Right. Anyway, got a new name for you.

Oh, cool. just like grandpa did i do that with your grandfather yeah remember uh abram abraham right right uh anyway your new name is jack Jekabraham. What? Really? Grandpa was Abram and became Abraham. And I'm Jacob. And now I'm Jekabraham? Yeah, you know, now that you repeat it back to me, I see that. Yeah, it's a little derivative. Okay, okay. How about Israel? Uh, the place? No, for like a name.

Okay, again, seems a little on the nose I don't care, I don't have time to make up names all day Your name is Israel now Okay, just as long as you don't like make And you shall inherit the land called Israel Don't do that, as long as you don't do that Okay, go sacrifice some goats or something to me Sure, great Good luck in Israel, Israel

Thanks, you're the worst Sacrifice some goats or something to me. Sure. Great. Good luck in Israel, Israel. Thanks. You're the worst. And so it was that Rachel died giving birth to Abraham. Oh, finally. And Isaac did die at 140 years. Finally. And Reuben did sleep with his aunt Bilal. Finally?

Wait. What finally? What? I didn't say anything. You absolutely said finally. Yeah, you did, Heath. You said finally. No, you did. You guys are being weird. You're being weird. Somebody said finally. It was you guys.

Now these are the generations of Esau, who as Edom Esau took his wives of the daughters of Cain. How is but like, how is it not a Ponzi scheme? Because it's none of those words. Right, but it is attributing value to something by buying into a system of value, right? Yeah, you mean currency? Do you think all currency is a Ponzi scheme? I mean...

I will literally kill you. all currency is a Ponzi scheme? I mean... I will literally kill you. So you're saying the butt is not involved at all? Why would the butt be involved? Because the pee is in there. Where would women keep pee in their butts,

dude? The cheeks? Is it the cheeks? I feel like it's cheeks. I'm going to go get the chart. Because they're bigger, and you would put it there. It would fit. It makes sense, geometrically. Get the sprinkle ball.

I'm saving it. No, get the green stripey with the springy ball, and then they'll all be stripeys. Look, look. See? Two sprinkle balls. Oh, that's so good. Tell me how to crush my candy. But then she ended up going to the convention anyway.

So he wrote a blog in response to her podcast, right? But she retweeted it with a comment and then blocked him. And I thought that was the end of it. But then, during a hangout with his patrons, he told them Dude, literally anything is a better use of your time and brain space than this. Just like

get a stamp collection, anything. Can I hate certain stamps? Sure. These are the Dukes of Edom, according to their habitations and the land of their possessions. He is Esau, the father of the Edomites. Now, Jacob Israel loved Joseph more than all his children because he was the son of his old age, and he made him a coat of many colors. Look at me.

I'm Cher at the 1972 grammys dude what are you doing you're gonna make mark mad at us again no no hear me out hear me out i fucking love mark don't do this i i love mark too but there's actually a biblical source for this a lot of scholars think that joseph's coat of many colors was actually a gown that a father usually gave his virginal daughter. And the real reason for Joseph brothers rejection of him was because they reject his father's acceptance of him. OK, that seems like a bit of a stretch. Also, I don't think that doing a stereotypical voice is going to serve that progressive message, even if we do buy that.

Exactly. OK, plus, plus, didn't let me finish. Jesus isn't for like ever and I want to do a gay voice. It's true though that Jesus isn't for a fucking while. Like three years. Okay, but if Mark gets mad, I will end you. Do not

hurt Mark. Anyway, Daddy, are you dying? I'm gorged. Look at me in my coat of many colors. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You look great. Okay. But daddy, am I like Meryl looks great for her age grade or like altered carbon at midnight

grade? Tell you what. Why don't you go check on how your brothers are doing tending their sheep? Oh my God. Yeah. Slamskin is so in right now. It's in what? What does that mean?

And so I said to him, look, if you don't want the sheep on your land, build a fucking fence. Fair. Hello, brothers. Hey, Joseph. Hey, Joe. Oh my God, you're both so rustic. I'm dying.

Come here. Please stop doing that. Okay, so crazy story. Lit's theic. I'm dying. Come here. Please stop doing that. Okay, so crazy story, like lit's the craziest. I'm on my way here, right? And I have a little napsy noobs. And I had a dream that I'm working in a field, which already, ew. But then my like wheat thingy. You mean your sheave?

Yes. Look at you. You're like a little farmer. I am literally a farmer. Yes. Anyway, all your sheaves like started worshiping my sheave. Like, is that a crazy dream? That's pretty crazy. And then, and then, don't interrupt, I dreamed that the stars and the suns worshiped me. Is that crazy?

Yeah, it's pretty crazy too. Okay, well, I'm going to go lie down because this trip was Molly Shannon after 1992 rough. Hey, bro, you want to murder him? Sure do. Step ahead of you. Oh my God. We have been walking for evsies. Where are we going?

You'll see. Here it is. Here it is. Seriously, this is just a giant hole in the ground what's that is there a fat girl with no personality looking for a best friend down there where we're gonna get so many emails about that joke yeah we are glad i said it okay guys seriously this isn't funny you have to let me up now i'm this is a brand new coat oh yeah no here let me take that uh coat for you here okay but that is dry clean only only okay so we sell him into slavery pour blood on the coat and then uh tell dad he got

eaten by a lion okay wait what what kind of slavery the fun kind no not the fun kind and so while either the ishmaelites or the medianites brought joseph to egypt don't get me started it changes four fucking times joseph's brother brought the news to their father joseph is dead? No. Dad, what are you doing? I'm tearing my clothes and covering my loins in sackcloth. Okay, but why are you covering your loins in sackcloth? Because I'm so sad.

Okay, but it feels like you're just using the sadness as an excuse to cover your loins in sackcloth. How dare you? I'm so insulted. I'm going to cover my loins in sackcloth. And it came to pass that at that time that Judah went down from his brethren and turned in. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to Joseph? I was doing the voice. No, I know the book gets super distracted here.

Just get used to it. Yeah, Bible's going to get real late-term grandma. Just a heads up. Welcome back to Maury. My guest today says her father-in-law is the father of her twin babies, and he's trying to burn her. Give a round of applause for Tamar. Thank you, Molly.

So, Tamar, tell us what happened. Well, Martin, my father-in-law, Judah, got a Canaanite pregnant three times, and I was married to the first son. But then he pissed off God and died, so I married his second son. But he jerked off, because, you know, he didn't want to mix man-mare with his brother. So God just killed him too.

Then Judah promised me I could marry the third one. But he welched on me. So I dressed up like a whore and I charged him with some bracelets and a staff to get his gunk on. And now he wants to burn me for whoring. Okay. Well, let's see what he has to say for himself judah come on out whatever fuck y'all fuck you now now judah you insist that you are not the father of tamar's baby is that correct that's correct. Those babies look nothing like me. I have a beard,

for example. They're your babies. Is not. Is two. Is not. Is two. Okay. Well, Judah, we have the results of your paternity test here, and Judah, you are the father.

I'm gonna call them Perez and Zara. Okay, that's all for today, but join us next week where we'll continue to destroy culture and somehow always be playing in your break room.

Did your father leave you and say he was swallowed by a giant fish? Want him to take a lie detector test to prove it? You could be on the show. Call 555-SOCIETYSCANCER.

And so it was that Joseph was brought down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of the pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, brought him to the land of the Ishmaelites, and Joseph found grace in his sight. There's my favorite... slave. Hey, Potiphar.

Okay, you are definitely not someone's wife. I mean, that is for sure. Nice. You would not believe what I've been through with that. I bet. You know what? I like you. You're in charge of all my other sl...

Ha... You're in charge of my house. Yay! And it came to pass after these things that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph. Hey, Joseph.

How you doing, baby? You look amazing, honey. Oh, um, thank you. Come, give me a snuggle. Uh, you know what? Maybe we should just, like, watch Will and Grace or something. No, don't. Come, give me a snuggle. Uh, you know what? Maybe we should just like watch Will and Grace or something. No, don't be shy, baby. I'm like Mario.

I munch your mushroom. Okay, I am going to throw up. No, baby, stay. Oh, no, your shirt. That's actually fine. You can keep it. That's from last season anyway. Oh, she's last season.

Glalp, Glalp, Pontybar. Whoa, what's up? Pontybar, baby. I've been calling you for like 45 minutes. I don't like the sound that reverberates. It was Yotzeb, baby.

He tried to grab me. He tried to gripe me. He tried to... Gripe me? Like, as a funny joke. Like, oh, look at me, just griping whoever I want, you know? Yeah, that's a weird joke. It's like a prank.

Yeah, got it. Joseph, get in here. Ugh, Ponifar, thank God. You'll never guess what I just... Ew, she's here. Did you try to rape my wife as a prank? That would be a weird prank. Yeah, that's what I said.

But do you have like, I don't know, a letter signed by 65 people across five different high schools you knew as a kid on hand by any chance? Something like that? No. Why would I have... Well, then we are going to have a problem and joseph's master took him and put him into the prison a place where the king's prisoners were bound and he was there in prison but the lord was with joseph and showed him his mercy and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison you know what i like you kid how'd you like sight of the keeper of the prison. You know what? I like you, kid.

How'd you like to be in charge of the prison? Yes. What the hell was that noise? Yes, I'd like to be in charge of the prison. Oh, okay, good, good. It's only to get rid of the stripes, though, let me tell you. It's like Marc Jacobs 2013 in this bitch. Hey, welcome to jail.

I'm like in charge. My name's Joseph. What are you guys in for? We pissed off the king. The king. Ooh, that happens. What'd you do? Well, I was the head baker

and he asked if I could do something gluten-free and like, you know, what the hell is gluten? I have no idea. I get that. Yeah, and I was the chief butler. Really? How'd you mess that up? I don't know.

Being a butler is so fucking easy, you just have to open a door. Right? I think that. Any whoos will be. Here are your uniforms. Leathered jorts? Yes.

Is that what we're going to be wearing? I just changed it. Do you love it?orts? Yes. Is that what we're going to be wearing? I just changed it. Do you love it? No. Yes. I mean, no. Nope. Oh, guys, what's the matter?

I mean, besides being in prison, because that's obviously probably the first thing. No, it's just, we both had really weird dreams last night. Ooh, tell me, tell me, tell me. I'll interpret them for you. Isn't there a rule that you can't tell someone your dreams unless you're fucking them?

I mean, we are in prison, so. Okay, so I dreamed I was like, there was these three vines full of grapes, right? And I grabbed the grapes and I make them into wine and I gave it to the pharaoh. Ooh, you know what that means? That means you are going to be released in three days. I am?

Yep. Awesome. I know these things. Okay, do me next. Do me next. Okay, I dreamed I had three baskets on my head full of food for the pharaoh, but then birds came and ate the food from the top of the basket. Ooh, that's actually pretty similar to his. So you are going to be hung in three days and then

the birds are going to eat your flesh off your corpse. What? That's bullshit. Sorry. It's what the dream says. Oh, and something about wild card. Yeah? Yeah, it's not going to take. I hate you. I just did. I'm wildcard. And it came to pass, the third day, which was Pharaoh's birthday, that he made a feast unto all his servants, and he lifted up the head of the chief butler and of the chief baker among his servants, and he restored the chief butler unto his butlership again. And he gave the cup into the Pharaoh's hand, but he hanged the chief baker as Joseph had interpreted to them. Told ya.

Thanks, dude. Maybe see if you can get me out of prison? Oh, yeah. We'll, uh, we'll get brunch. Oh, boo, that means no. Two years later. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing pharaoh stuff. Pharaoh stuff is favorite stuff. My king Lou doing Pharaoh stuff. Pharaoh stuff is

favorite stuff. My king, you seem troubled. What's the matter? Oh, I just had this weird, weird dream. Isn't there a rule about... Well, I mean, I'm the Pharaoh, so let's go ahead and assume I've fucked everything. Fair, fair.

You know what? I know a guy for this. Okay, so in my dream, I was standing by the river when seven fat cows Gross. Yeah, they came out of the water and started to feed. Of course they did.

But then, seven thin, sickly cows Love it, so fashion. Yeah, they came out of the water and they started to feed. Gross, not fashion. Okay, so what do you think it means? Okay, so

like there's totally going to be seven years of good crops and then seven years of bad crops. I mean like Colin Firth singing in Mamma Mia level bad. But don't worry. Put me in charge of everything and we'll be all set. You know what? Sure. Let's do it.

Yes! What? Yes, I'll be in charge of the crops. Thank you. And with Joseph once again in charge of a place he just arrived at, we'll take a break, but we'll be back in a month with more Bible Peace Theater. It's time for the part of the show that comes next. Listener feedback.

This is the part of the show that comes after the previous part. Our first message comes from Tom. And it was an amazing. Thank you, Tom. Amazing message from Tom. Thank you, Tom. Tom sent us the following email. Subject line line i voted third

party boo sorry sorry wait for it wait for it quote and i'm sorry it was a protest vote because i saw hillary as completely out of touch and i didn't understand the full ramifications of a trump presidency hell i was entertaining the idea of voting for him quote to just burn it down already i've learned not to vote selfishly just because a policy change doesn't affect me personally it sure as shit is going to affect those i care about i just wish i'd figured out sooner no matter how much i donate bigots and insane theocrats are still in power regrettably tom end quote amazing so first of all tom gets so many points back for re-evaluating a political opinion in light of new information being presented and changing his mind in a positive

way that's so rare which is nearly impossible for most fucking human beings, despite that process being enormously valuable to society. And just for the record, that makes two total people I've heard naturally admit to this error. But most importantly, this is exactly the type of email that should be coming in a giant barrage to the entire LGBT community and non-white community and uterus having community yeah from friends who didn't think it through when they voted third party in a general election

in which donald trump was one of the possibilities yeah yeah and actually i wanted to add uh to this a tweet that i got recently from a listener asking why we don't blame the electoral college instead of third party voters well um well yeah it's not like we haven't brought that up but that seems like a fair point so for the record eliminating the electoral college requires a constitutional amendment okay people not doing the democratic equivalent of holding their breath until they turn blue takes people not doing that right like we're way more likely to affect the latter than the former right yeah also again i have blamed the electoral college believe eli has to i think people voting badly and a system where you can win by negative three million votes are both uh suboptimal and i've said that and and for

those who wonder why we keep talking about this it's because we know our listeners like i cannot imagine we have a lot of trump voters in our audience but we do have a lot of liberals and some of y'all are wacky as fuck let's just be honest there is a solid chance that the democratic candidate in your state in november won't be perfect there's a solid chance the presidential candidate in 2020 might be imperfect. But we remind you of how important your vote is because we saw what happened when somebody, anybody failed to do so. So before you point out that like, oh, blaming third party voters is tried, it's been done to death. Keep in mind, every time time we mention this there's a chance that we as people who talk into mics move the needle away from trump in the best way we can for our audience

it's not just our opinion it is our fucking responsibility and if that bothers you check your closet because the skeleton in there might be jill stein is it her i think it's her all right we also got a message from john who wanted to follow up on our discussion of uh butt raped angels from the last feedback segment john writes one step logic on the whole sodom thing if sodom was destroyed for threatening butt rape on the hapless angels why were said angels there in the first place i was honestly surprised that dispassionate atheists missed the double think christians have wait what right so not sure what you think to prove there john but if if the angels are for fucking man is this book inconsistent and stupid

yeah we know i think we've mentioned it have we not been clear about our our perspective on yeah right he's gonna be solid presenting this like he refuted a point, but if so, it's not a point we made. I did mention something like that. I mentioned that what happened immediately before the city's destruction was them trying to fuck angels, but I never said or implied that it was the sole reason. And if John would like to give the segment another listen, he might notice all the points we actually did make and how they negate his argument. But for the record, no,

the Bible never said Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of the butt sex, which we said the last time. I'm surprised a dispassionate atheist email writer missed this. I kind of had to do that one. Put that language on you there a little bit, John, didn't he? And finally tonight, we had an awesome piece of feedback

from Ben about a joke we made on GAM. Heath, why are you so set on bad-mouthing the life-saving tactic of CPR? I'm not. It's interfering with God's plan. Thank you. I shouldn't do that.

So the truth is, we recorded that show for hours and hours, and the joke that heath was making was don't just wing it when it comes to medical care for a child who just got his head run over but in all seriousness ben wrote us the kind of feedback we love to get from our audience it was gentle it was cited and understanding and we really do want to thank those of you who reach out and set us straight it makes the show better better, makes us better. Yeah. Well, look, and some of us don't even need it to be gentle, right? I can take it rough, just cite it and correct. Yeah, that's all I'm really looking for.

Noah's happy. I need it to be gentle. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. Just gently. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com send no all the ungentle emails you want before we nip to the loo or whatever it is they do in england i want to thank everybody who came out to see us in london or manchester i'm recording this before we left, but I already know that you're going to have made this an amazing trip,

so I can preemptively be sincere in this instance. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

I need to thank Heath Enright for remaining cheeky even when he's trollied. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for fancying some bands even when he's knackered. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for being bloody cracking even when I'm narky. I need to thank England in advance for eventually forgiving me for my half-assed appropriation of their slang. I also want to thank Mark A. Seifert from

the No School Like the Old School blog for both providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for getting me all tingly about old school tabletop role-playing games with that submission and if you get the tingles along with me be sure to check the show notes for a link to his blog but most of all of course i want to thank this week's most dashing diploids the people who gave us money on patreon and i'd also like to thank them by name but i can't because that's not how the time dimension works so they'll have to settle for uh me promising to get them all caught up next week and telling you now that their genitals are fucking awesome, just non-specifically. And if you too would like to hear about how

amazing your genitals are, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended app-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingadius.com. And if you'd be chuffed to help, but if all your quid weren't additional British slang term here, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and or liking us on Facebook. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson

handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAadeus.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2018, all rights reserved.