The Scathing Atheist - 298: Genesis Terminus Edition

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

In this week’s episode, Kellyanne Conway blames us for the Pittsburgh shootings, we blame Kellyanne Conway for the break-in at the crypt she was supposed to be keeping, and we’ll use our America powers to point out that Muhammad was a pedophile. Vulgarity for Charity is back! You can make a donation here: https://www.modestneeds.org/features/ledger/index.asp Or get more information here: https://scathingatheist.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out the New Books in Secularism podcast here: https://newbooksnetwork.com/category/religion-faith/secularism/ Hear Noah on the “Man Yells at News” podcast: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/larry-yellingman/man-yells-at-news Or check out the same episode on Secular Soup: https://www.spreaker.com/show/secular-soup Headlines: Conway: “Synagogue shooting because of anti-religiosity, not anti-semitism” http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/29/kellyanne-conway-anti-religiosity-not-anti-semitism-fueled-synagogue-killer/ After Synagogue Shooting, Mike Pence Event Opens with Jews for Jesus “Rabbi” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/30/after-synagogue-shooting-mike-pence-event-opens-with-jews-for-jesus-rabbi/ Calling Muhammad a pedophile not protected under EU free speech laws: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/27/calling-muhammad-a-pedophile-isnt-protected-under-free-speech-laws-in-europe/ Chicago Megachurch Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Bloggers and Journalist http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/26/chicago-megachurch-files-defamation-lawsuit-against-bloggers-and-journalist/ U.S. Justice Dept. Launches Probe into Catholic Church’s Child Sex Abuse Scandal http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/19/u-s-justice-dept-launches-probe-into-catholic-churchs-child-sex-abuse-scandal/ AAE produces anti-Soros video saying he rented Christians: http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/10/25/religious-right-group-claims-george-soros-is-renting-progressive-christians/

Warning, they're going to start playing the Christmas music now if they haven't already started. Also, this podcast has cussing in it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron. And by George Soros, apparently. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Carrie Lynn from the New Books and Secularism podcast. An atheist podcast inferior to this one in its sad lack of profanity-laced tirades,

but boldly attempting to compensate through its similar interest in proving that we all did, indeed, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's November 1st. And it's vulgarity for charity time, motherfuckers. Yeah. Gonna hurt some feelings for good. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Snooki and JWoww's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Kellyanne Conway blames us for the Pittsburgh shootings.

We blame Kellyanne Conway for the break-in at the crypt she was supposed to be keeping. And we'll use our America powers to point out that Muhammad was a pedophile. But first, the diatribe. As of last week, I have watched two dozen Christian apocalypse movies. Seriously, I'll do the list. A Thief in the Night, A Distant Thunder, Image of the Beast, The Prodigal Planet, Left Behind, Left Behind 2, The Tribulation, Left Behind 3, The World at War, Left Behind, The Gritty, Reboot, Revelation Road, 1 through 3, Leap, Leap 2, Rise of the Beast, End of Days, Apocalypse, 1 through 4, The Mark, The Mark 2, 6, The Mark Unleashed, The Moment After, The Moment After 2, The Moment After, The Moment After, and The Remaining. They account for nearly 15% of the movies we've reviewed on GAM. Needless to say, I've become something of an expert on the genre. Not that many people would have to die for me to get bumped up to world's leading experts,

so I've gotten used to the tropes of these movies. You know, things like inordinate amounts of Christian piloted air traffic at the precise moment of the rapture, antichrists with vaguely eastern european accents people looking for their raptured loved ones in places that humans wouldn't fit but my favorite christian apocalypse movie trope by far is the unraptured preacher this guy has to show up in the rapture movie first of all he serves an important function from just you know like a storytelling perspective in In Act 1 of the movie, all the good Christians get bamfed up to heaven, which presents a problem in

Act 2 when you need somebody to realize that this is the rapture and that person has to know the Bible well enough to foreshadow all the stuff that's coming up. Now, clearly, there are plenty of ways to handle that problem. Atheist podcasters, for example, would fit the bill. And Christian audiences would love to see us be the first to fall under the stingist podcasters, for example, would fit the bill. And Christian audiences would love to see us be the first to fall under the stingers of the lion, locust, horse, scorpions.

Or if you don't want us in your movie, you could use a fallen Christian or a Nick Cage fan. Hell, you could use anyone nominally aware of American culture if what you need is a person who's heard of this rapture thing.

But all the screenwriters seem to land on unraptured preacher. But that's because he also serves a theological function here. And to understand that, you have to recognize the target audience. See, when an atheist sees the obligatory scene where all the good Christians disappear, leaving nothing but a pile of clothes for their sinner, left behind loved ones to ponder over,

it's fucking silly i mean we're we're thinking about all the naked people in heaven right but to christians it's scary if you're already pre-programmed to think of this as a genuine possibility it's terrifying but it's only terrifying of course if you're one of the people left behind i mean sure it might be a little awkward to show up in heaven naked, but everybody's naked. You know, if you get raptured, you get to skip all the scary stuff. The fear then rests in the notion that maybe you'll be left behind after all. Now, if religion worked on a rational basis, that'd be a pretty hefty problem for a writer to get around, right? This is only scary if you're

a Christian, and if you're a Christian, you wouldn't be scared of this. The rapture is something to look forward to. It's the good guy's master plan coming to fruition. But since religion gets to operate in a logic-free zone, you can get around it easily. I mean, you say you're a Christian, you think you're a Christian, but are you really a Christian? Because let's be truthful here. No offense to Gary Busey's masterful performance, but you don't convert nonbelievers to Christianity with a movie like Apocalypse 3 Tribulation. That's not the function they're meant to serve. They're there to make already Christian people question their worth. Right?

Because religion went to the abusive husband school of customer retention. They ask you to compare yourself against a perfect being and then chastise you for coming up short. And to be honest, this was probably my first red flag about the religious lie. It was never enough to do the right thing for them, right? They tell you, you can't masturbate, you can't have premarital sex, you can't have oral sex, you can't watch movies with boobs in them, etc. But even that impossible standard wasn't enough for them. You also can't want any of that shit. You can't look at a woman with lust in your heart or a man, especially a man, with lust in your heart. Because if you don't add that stipulation, some fucking zealot might actually get through all of their hoops. Right?

And if you zoom out on the religious fractal a little bit, you'll see that same impossible standard defense guarding the entire faith. bit, you'll see that same impossible standard defense guarding the entire faith. Even if you follow every rule and you do good works and treat others how you'd have them treat you and say all the magic words and all the magic times, that's not enough. You have to really be a Christian. And what does that mean? Well, they can't quite articulate it, but you'll know it when you've got it. And since that's meaningless, you can never know you've got it. They give you no metric but perfection. So no matter how much time you spend getting really good at Christianity, you can never know if you're good enough or even how close to good enough you are. And that's their whole shtick, isn't it? You come back with a shrubbery, they give you a herring. Because if you ever made it

all the way through their fucking maze, you wouldn't need them anymore. You won't need that brand of forgiveness that they have the patent on. That's why our measure of morality can't be the priest here, right? He's got to be broken and fallen too. Otherwise, you get to graduate as soon as you didn't rape children or whatever moral standard your particular priest sets. Hence, that ubiquitous, unraptured priest in the apocalypse movie. Just something to think about the next time a christian makes the argument that their religion is good because it promotes a good moral code a code of conduct that's literally impossible to follow isn't moral it's totalitarian they're talking about

joining me for headlines tonight are vulgar humanitarians Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready? Drum roll, please. For another vulgarity for charity. Woo! Eli looks like a baby with a hangover. Nobody will ever love Heath. That's what?

Too far. Eli went too far. Yes, it is. Fat. You say I'm fat. Money! Give us some money. That's why no one will ever love him. So, yeah, it's. Fat. You say I'm fat. Money. Give us some money. That's why no one will ever love him.

So, yeah, it's that time of year once more. It's the time when we open up our mouths and you open up your wallets and we remind the world that atheists can do charitable, too. This year, we're teaming up with Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance once again in support of our favorite charity, Modest Needs. It's a great charity. It does a lot of good. It needs your help. And if you donate, we'll insult anybody of your choice right here on the show or over on Cognitive Dissonance. Now, we're going to have some more details coming up after the headlines,

so stick around for that. But first, a quick word from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron. What do you mean you don't have Harajia? Okay, baby, how about Narham? American. What do you mean that's not a language? Mrs. Trump, you wanted to see me? Oh, Giler, thank God. I'm trying to order some takeout, but it's impossible. I'm sorry, impossible? No, they won't serve it in like a bowl they make from a possum.

It's like a mouse. Yeah, no, I know what a possum is, but why don't you just try Blue Apron? I mean, I don't know who Apron is, but if he can give me a possum ball, I am open to it. No, no, no, no, no. Blue Apron is the number one meal delivery service in the country. They deliver farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door. I don't know, baby. I don't have time to cook.

Yesterday, I watched you try to put on a pair of sneakers for four and a half hours. Oh, yeah. The secret is to put your foot in the hole. Did you know that? Yeah. No, I knew that. I'm shod, as you can see. But if you're short on time, Blue Apron is perfect for you. With their selection of 20-minute recipes, you can have a fresh home-cooked meal in a flash. Okay. This coming from the guy who the other day I walk in on eating all those pills. No, that's not why I was eating those.

No, Blue Apron has mouth-watering choices like home-style beef medallions and maple pan sauce and a smoky chicken and sweet potato bake. Wow. If I could make moisture, I'd water my mouth, Giler. Yeah, I know. I want you to know that. Well, you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash scathing. That's blueapron.com slash

scathing to get your first three meals free. You know what, Giler? I'm convinced. Hello? I'd like to cancel my order. What do you mean this is a staples? Blue Apron. A better way to cook. Did you hear that, Giler?

Talking staples. It's magic. In our lead story tonight, the list of things Kellyanne Conway can go fuck herself with somehow got larger and even more torturous this week when she appeared on Fox & Friends to blame the mass shooting last Saturday at the Pittsburgh synagogue,

not on anti-Semitism, but on anti-religiosity. Fuck you. That's right. It's our fault. Yeah, she figured out that we've been doing reverse psychology the whole time

and we're hoping to turn people into Christian ze zealots yes and now we wait yes it's for profit yeah it's coming yeah oh yeah so this effort to determine once and for all just how many cuss words i know came on monday morning when the animatronic scarecrow slash fuck doll said, quote, the anti religiosity in this country that is somehow in vogue and funny to make fun of anybody of faith and is constantly making fun of people who express religion. The late night comedians, the unfunny people on TV shows. It's always anti religious. End quote. Oh, she's so close isn't she just ah everyone's laughing at religious people

because of how right we are you're almost there i feel like i nailed it you can almost hear kellyanne's mom a few seconds later right after the cut just giving up it's like yeah i don't feel bad honey they're all jealous of your uh fuck i don't know you're an evil monster i give up i've been trying this for years you're 51 years old you're evil and as if lamenting all the unsung christian martyrs that lost their accountants during the Holocaust. She plowed on. She goes, quote, These people were gunned down in a place of worship, as were the people in South Carolina several years ago. Now, no, she could have used Texas as her example on that one.

But she instead chose to use the obviously racially motivated shooting by a Christian because the whole fucking point of her thing is to exonerate white supremacists. So, you guys remember Bernie Goetz? So, yeah. You know, perspective. I'm just saying. Name other shootings that happened.

There you go. So, yeah. I can forgive you if you thought we'd reached peak bullshit persecution complex when Josh Fierstein claimed that the cups without anything on them were symbols of Christian oppression. But no, they found a way to go further. Now, when people of their religion murder people of a different religion for being from a different religion,

that's Christian oppression too. a different religion, that's Christian oppression too. Kellyanne, can you show me on the doll where the atheist didn't touch you? I want to get that all... And of course, since this was

all an effort to camouflage the culpability of her boss, herself, and the network she was appearing on, and since she decided to use the atheist comedy shows as her scapegoat the fact that she was trying to make sure her religion could get in on some of that awesome post-murder spree sympathy was only the third most offensive aspect of this story i didn't realize america had bigotry achievements left to unlock but leave it to kellyanne Conway to fucking find one, apparently. She's a trailblazer.

Isn't she? A trailblazer. And in We Just Figured Out Jews Clues news tonight. In response to this week's horrific mass shooting in Pittsburgh, Vice President Mike Pence gave the stage to exactly the right person to open up a campaign event with a solemn memorial to people of hebrew faith not just a rabbi a completed rabbi jew for jesus yeah it was it was so perfect it's like they told pencey should have a jew there and he's like i'll meet you halfway that's right because nothing says

taking a stand against anti-semitism like someone who's smartened up and stopped being Jewish. It's less than a full degree away from him just inviting Eli's moishy voice. Listen, I wanted Sinead O'Connor, Catholic and Muslim, like the averages to Jewish. But then you guys all complained. averages to Jewish. That's not bad. But then you guys all complained. So I went out and I got an advanced Jew doing post-grad work.

You're welcome. Extra mile. And now I'm being made fun of again. So the invited speaker, Rabbi Loren Jacobs of the Messianic congregation, Shema Yisrael, began his invocation by saying, quote, God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, God and father of my Lord and Savior Yeshua, Jesus, the Messiah, and my God and father too, end quote. So he said that, and then he went on to not say the Jewish prayer of mourning or list the names of the dead, but he did ask God to bless all the GOP candidates at the event. So, you know, lovely.

And we'd like to recognize all both the Republican Jewish congressmen that exist right now. David Lee couldn't work. Now, to be fair to Mike Pence, he did not choose the speaker Republican candidate for Congress and not yet completed. Julina Epstein did. Yeah, well, and he was quoted later exonerating himself with appeals to them all looking the same to him. I mean, pretty much because Epstein released like a statement about choosing Rabbi Christmas because it's time for all face to come together. Some bullshit. The real reason is because this dude is probably the first Jew who comes up when you Google Jew in Pittsburgh.

And Republicans were too stupid to ask like, hey, man, you're like actually Jewish. Like all the way Jewish. Real quick, just step into the light for a second. Oh, that's weird. Okay. Whatever. We can use a day walker. They never said we couldn't use a day walker.

That's fine. I don't see a horn. So either way, we can't look too deeply into this kind of fluke, which is why next week Pence has invited Hank Azaria to come and speak as a poo at a Hindu memorial for a different shooting. So yeah, you know, we'll probably have a Hindu shooting by then. And in don't picture Muhammad news tonight. Great. Now I'm going to get murdered. So despite some good news out of Ireland about the removal of their federal blasphemy law, it looks like the European Union as a whole is still having lots of trouble with the concept of free speech. So I'm going to start with a quick little seminar for anyone who's still confused about this.

Trivia can't be illegal. End of seminar. It can't be illegal. End of seminar. Sounds like that. It can't be illegal to say a true thing. There's plenty of other stuff surrounding that topic that's worth a genuine debate, but that part needs to be super duper obvious, but apparently it's not.

And that was confirmed last week when the European Court of Human Rights made a ruling against an Austrian woman identified by the initials E.S. for saying that Mohammed, the prophet of Islam, was a pedophile. And she based this on the fact that he fucked a child. Yeah. According to Islamic scripture.

Right. Heath, you know what they say? Do as I say, not as I wait. No, don't do as I stop talking about what I, you're a bigot. You're a bigot. That is what they say. Well, but no, but to be fair, though, look at the source. I mean, that book also says mountains keep the earth from rolling up.

It's not the most trustworthy place to go for information yeah so just for reference according to the hadith which are official islamic texts that supplement the quran muhammad married a girl named aisha when she was six or seven and had sex with her when she was nine or ten this factual statement about what it says in books was mentioned by Ms. E.S. during a lecture she gave. And that eventually led to a conviction by an Austrian court for the crime of disparaging religious doctrines that was later upheld by an appeals court in Austria.

And then last week it was upheld again by a continental court of human rights. So get your shit together europe the u.s is more enlightened than you on a philosophical issue about society i think it's time to re-examine your choices what are you doing over there okay so here's the thing not that it matters i'm on her side but uh what subject was she delivering a lecture on that Muhammad fucked a child came up? I feel like the answer is math. Was it math? Maybe European law?

I mean, we're talking about it. Yeah, I just love that she has to find an alternative now in that lecture, right? She's got a series of pictures up on the chalkboard, including a child. Like, Muhammad didn't fuck an apple. She crosses it off. He didn't fuck a goat. She crosses it off. I got, I don't know.

What did you, what do you do now? You can't assume Muhammad didn't fuck a goat, Noah. That's. That's true. No, you're right. You're right. You're arrested. I can't assume it in Austria, but I can do it here.

Real interesting new lecture, actually. I think we're going to surprise some good ideas. So, yeah, this is actually a big topic of discussion among Islamic scholars. And for good reason. If they don't discuss away this Muhammad fuck child thing, their religion was founded by a pedophile. But apparently, that's not that huge of a deal. was founded by a pedophile. But apparently, that's not that huge of a deal because the best argument I could find

was that the timeline was off by a little and Aisha was actually a little bit older, but still definitely a child. 100% still a child. 100% still a child. And just for the record, the definition of pedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to children so

just an idea maybe think about arguing that muhammad wasn't attracted to aisha but he fucked her anyway now i want to be clear that's a terrible fucking argument but it's way better than anything i could find oh oh maybe she going to turn out to be a raisin. She's a little girl. Maybe she's going to turn out to be a raisinette. All right. So just to review one more time, this woman said a true thing that was already public knowledge and got convicted of a crime. So we're being technical.

It feels like Islamic holy books are guilty of disparaging Islamic doctrine. Yeah, really? Much like I'd be able to easily disparage all of Christianity and Judaism by reading exact quotes from the Bible. We do that sometimes, actually. It's part of the job.

But despite all that, the legal system decided that a crime happened because feelings were hurt. And that's fucking stupid. Might seem obvious to lots of people in the context of this particular story, but I think it's very important to realize that this applies to your soft spot too, whatever that might be. Right.

Most people have one. Really think about it. Freedom of speech is more important than your feelings your safety no but your feelings yes absolutely that opinion might be unpopular but it fucking shouldn't be it's pretty obvious yeah it's also the founding precept of our entire profession so i hope it kind of a big deal and our charity drive so So that's, you know. Yeah, exactly. Keep it all in mind. And a free society. That too. And in what would Jesus sue news tonight?

When Harvest Bible Church and its pastor, James McDonald, were revealed to allegedly be $70 million in debt and to have allegedly barely survived bankruptcy in 2006, thanks to McDonald's alleged gambling problem. Thanks to the investigative journalism of Julie Roy's and the blog, The Elephant's alleged gambling problem. Thanks to the investigative journalism of Julie Roy's and the blog, The Elephant's Debt, they did the Christian thing. They freaked out

and sued everyone they could. Okay, I'm sure Andrew loves what you're doing here, but if you get taken in by Pascal's wager, I don't think we have to call your gambling problem alleged anymore.

Now, I should point out that we don't know if the accusations made on the blog uh towards harvest bible church and mcdonald are accurate but you know based on their shall we say kavanaugh-esque response it doesn't look great doesn't look great in an email that somehow managed to be flecked with spit mcdonald wrote to his congregation saying quote we are indeed living in an age of rage fueled by fake news so proud of that rhyme where the presumption of innocence has almost universally given way to the presumption of guilt due process seems entirely disregarded in our national discourse and for the church this cultural decline can cause great damage to worship communities and

i like community wine so i just yeah something inherently disingenuous to me about the statement there's no way to get justice in this country anymore, which is why I'm suing these people in a court of law. Well, we're going to hear why. See, he continues, quote, we have carefully reviewed the scripture related to the purpose of human government and the church. We have contacted many influential pastors and biblical scholars and received near unanimous confirmation of our thinking now it's time to step up and say enough is enough employing less traditional but entirely biblical provisions from god oh no yep biblical no more sitting by doing nothing while digital attackers ravage the body of christ what What do you want us to do?

Turn another cheek or something? Yeah, we were doing this weird voyeur cuck thing for a while, but now, well, starting next week, what? Starting whenever the paperwork is done, we're going to ravage the body of

nothing. Fuck. It's so much harder than they think it was. And while Eli laments about how we never get to good defamation suits, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race.

It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage Talk. Okay, so I know my thing here is generally to rustle up a few current events that exemplify abuses of women's rights done in the name of religion.

But look, this is the last chance I'll have to talk to you before Election Day. So we're going to set that aside this week. And no, I'm not going to spend three minutes urging you to vote. At this point, you're either voting or you're not voting or you already voted. So instead of pestering you about that, I'm going to pester you about pestering other people about it. Because at this point, we've really got to go all in. See, I was 14 years old in 1992 when the media declared it the year of the woman because the percentage of Congress made up of women went all the way up into the double digits seriously women are so underrepresented in this country's government that we had to break out the party hats that uncorked the champagne after capturing a meager

10.3 percent of the congress and look percentage wise that was a huge increase the number of women in congress went from 33 one session to 55 the next. So sure, it was genuinely worth celebrating, but in the same way that fixing the carburetors were celebrating even if the alternator still doesn't work. But since 1992, that number has been steadily climbing. And as of the 115th Congress, the total number of women in the House and Senate stand at 104. And pretty much no matter what happens on Tuesday, that number will go up and we'll rightly celebrate finally getting the alternator fixed. And we'll temper that with the fact that we still don't have a car to put it and

that carburetor in. And that matters. It really does. But what matters more than who gets elected is who votes. The Women's March after the inauguration was a potent reminder to our politicians that women, when united, can vote anybody out. There is every reason to believe that the decisive demographic in this election will be middle-aged women, especially middle-aged women of color. And we missed our opportunity to have a woman running our government in 2016, but we still have a chance for women to run it. So yeah, vote. And don't be afraid to annoy other people about it. Dedicate your whole segment of the show to it if you have to. Just get the fuck out there,

bring some women with you, and vote. And with that out of the way, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in delayed reaction news tonight, the Justice Department has belatedly realized that an insulated cabal of child rape is kind of right in their wheelhouse.

So we got... Seems like... Yeah, like they may have figured that out. What do you say you do here? We got an announcement late last week that they're going to be opening an investigation to the diocese that credibly accused over 300 priests of sexual assault in just part of Pennsylvania. The stated goal of the inquiry is to figure out if any church leaders committed federal crimes and presumably

to figure out why the fuck we don't have federal laws against this shit if they didn't. Nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't rape thousands of victims over a 90 year period that was a weird air bud i'm gonna be honest right now that was a weird air but no but that's true there is nothing in the rule book about that prayer bud is not a fun movie so okay so u.s attorney william mcswain who is leading the investigation is asking certain church leaders in pennsylvania to testify before a federal grand jury to match up with that state one they did. He also demanded any relevant evidence that, quote, anyone in their rank took children across state lines for illicit purposes, sent sexual messages or images via phone or computer, instructed anyone not to contact police,

reassigned suspected predators, or used money or other assets as part of the scandal, end quote. Sorry. Oh, all of the above? Yeah. Tell you what, why don't you all just come down? Yeah, just all of you. Save us some gas. I think we can just bring all of you.

Well, actually, you know what? Let's make it even easier. We'll just simplify it. Send the guy who didn't do all that stuff. We're actually kind of fascinated by him. We kind of want to talk him how that was for you all right so now the smart money is still on nobody ever gets punished for any of this but with just the resources of the non-philly parts of pennsylvania a grand jury was able to scrape together a ton of damning evidence so just having the federal government

checking their work has value and keep in mind that despite the decades plus that these crimes have been universal knowledge this is actually the first time the federal government is launching a real investigation into it so who knows there might even be some justice out of the justice department this time oh you sunshiny optimist. And finally tonight, the American Association of Evangelicals or AAE decided last week it was time to warn us all about the biggest threat to America

right now. And sadly, they did not become self-aware all of a sudden, so they're not talking about the AEs for whom they formed a stupid fucking a no they're talking about non-evangelicals they think the biggest threat to the united states of america right now is christians who aren't being christian hard enough oh so close for example jewish people yeah you know like george soros and of course

the team of christians that george soros rented rented i want to say right off the bat here i feel like it's only a team if they work together well so more of a ragtag band but i feel like we can fight bigotry with bigotry here, right? We can be like, come on, AAE. Soros wouldn't have rented Christians. They depreciate. He would have leased them. Yeah.

The AAE apparently noticed that a whole bunch of people who identify as Christian are actually liars who support liberal causes in direct contradiction of the Bible. And on that, we actually agree with the evangelicals. Those people are liars. But it's not clear that the lying is due to a lease agreement with George Soros. And just to be fair, the thing those people cherry-picked from the Bible is the part about Jesus clearly being a liberal himself and doing good with that. Don't tell the conservatives. He's the last brown person they liked.

They've only got one. Yes. So being tolerant of other lifestyles and being helpful to poor people was a bridge too far for the aae uh well actually it was two entire really long bridges too far so they released a beautifully terrible propaganda video entitled soros's rented evangelicals that explains how the evil Jewish puppet masters are paying Christus actors to confuse Christian people and split their vote. And just for the record, spellcheck was fine with Christus actors. It is great. Yeah. I think that's because once I was in the middle of typing and Clippy came out of the page and shot himself. That could have been it.

And by the way, I feel like we could do an entire GAM episode on this video. Oh, yes, we could. Yeah, it's pretty great. Check out this video if you get a chance. It's only three minutes long and it's absurd. This includes a chopped up clip with absolutely no context and some lady just being like, rent and even gel lick call. Like the audio is made of magazine cutouts on a ransom note. But my favorite part is the serial killer wolf section that they have in the video so they're trying to make the point that christian

people who aren't all the way insane are like a wolf in sheep's clothing and that's when we get the silliest looking wolf who's apparently gone ahead and murdered several sheep and then skinned them like buffalo bill and then patched that skin together to make a giant skin suit with sheep's head that this wolf is wearing over his entire body like you know the hunter with the lion suit over his head like the wolf might as well pop scare into george soros with a yarmulke and crawl out of the screen at us. It's ridiculous. Watch the video. And what I love about this is that a cartoon wolf is the closest they could find to scary without tipping their hand

and like having a menorah with a bag of gold jump out at you at the end of the video. Yeah, so I'm glad we talked through this story. But I feel like we're losing focus here. The important takeaway, in my opinion, uh, we can rent a team of Christian people to do stuff.

Yeah. We've earmarked a pretty good chunk of our money, pretty much all our money, all of our Christian people to perform weird tasks for our personal amusement. Um, first thought, obviously gay porn. Right.

We're well on our way into production on that. But if anyone has any other ideas, please let us know. We're taking suggestions. And while you fill out the comments slips at home, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Don't picture Muhammad fucking a kid. And when we come back, Bible Peace Theater, after nearly a year,

will make it to the end of Genesis. Woo! Hey, podcast listener. Do you like charity? Do you like having your friends and family thoroughly roasted? Well, then you're in luck because it's the time of year or every couple of years three times in three years it's annual

where you can do both that's right does your best friend need to know just what kind of anthropomorphic object they look like does your father-in-law need to know what cartoon character with what disease best describes him well vulgarity for charity is here. And before you ask, yes, we did ours before Seth Rogen thought of his thing. That's right. It didn't matter. Yeah, exactly. So here's how it works. You give a tax deductible donation to charity and we roast someone for you. And this year's charity is once again, modestneeds.org. What's modest needs? Well, they take the guesswork out of giving by responsibly providing short-term financial assistance to individuals and families in temporary crises who are ineligible for most types of conventional social assistance,

but who, like many of us, are living one or two lost paychecks away from the kind of financial catastrophe that can eventually lead to homelessness. Modest Needs makes sure the money goes directly to the vendor or creditor named in the applicant's documentation. So you don't end up giving money to a GoFundMe for a homeless guy who helped a lady with a flat tire, only to read six months later that they kept all that guy's money and now he's suing them. But best of all, unlike other financial assistance websites,

modest needs never charges a fee to applicants. The grants they make come with absolutely no strings attached and they never have to be repaid. So it's like GoFundMe or Kickstarter, but without all the terrible stuff. Exactly. So here's how you get involved. Go to modestneeds.org and choose absolutely any cause that appeals to you. Maybe you want to help a single mom pay her medical bills. Or a veteran turn his heat back on. Whatever cause you choose to help, just forward us the receipt for your tax-deductible donation

to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and who you'd like us to roast. That's right. With every donation of $50 or more, you get a personalized roasting for the person of your choice live on our show. Just tell us who they are, send us a picture, or any special request you have. And before you know it, you'll have a scalding hot burn to play for your asshole uncle at Thanksgiving. Don't have $50 to give? No problem.

Just give what you can, forward us the receipt, and you'll be entered into a drawing to win a roast of your choice. But that's not all. We'll be joined once again by Tom and Cecil over the Cognitive Dissonance podcast, as well as a slew of other special guests. Many of whom aren't used to saying mean things, but will because it's for charity. It's so easy to talk them into it, though. It's really fun. So head over to modestneeds.org, give till it hurts, and then we'll bring the pain to whoever you want. Once again, that email is VulgarityForCharity at gmail.com.

But don't wait. Our fundraiser ends at midnight on November 21st, and we are doing those in order of donation. That's ModestNeeds.org and VulgarityForCharity at gmail.com. Doing good never felt so bad. As we round the final corner of Genesis, so many questions arise. Is this really the whole thing? Can this possibly be the most readable book of the Bible? What if we just stopped here? Wouldn't that be nice? But stupid is our job security, so we're pleased to present yet another

installment of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Joseph, for interpreting my dream correctly and protecting my people from famine, would you be in charge of all my holdings? Yes. What? Yes, I would like to do that. Just say yes. Meanwhile, back in the home of Jacob and his sons.

Oh, man, I'm so hungry. Me too. This famine is the worst. Hey, sons. How's it going? Not great, Dad. There's famine everywhere. Well, except for in Egypt.

Right, yeah. Oh, well, why don't you guys go buy some corn from Egypt? You know, so we don't starve. Oh, yeah. Buy food so we don't starve. Oh, yeah. Buy food so we don't starve. Why didn't we think of that? Okay, but not you, Benjamin. Not you.

What? Why not? Why can't I go? Because you're my second favorite son. Your second? Second favorite son. Yes. Ever since I lost your brother, Joseph, who was my first favorite son i've loved you

second most which which is still a lot so you know you stay in your mind are you saying a nice thing to me right now is this nice hilarious that's why you're my second favorite and i cannot possibly put you in danger but your other brothers they should go buy some corn from Egypt. Like right now. Cool. Yeah. We'll just be, uh, we'll just be going then. Cool. Cool.

Whatever. Bye. Uh, so yeah, look at you. Number two, my precious, precious.

Number two. This is not good. This isn't nice. Second silver. And so Joseph's brethren came and bowed down themselves before him with their faces to the earth. And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them. Hey, hey, come here and translate to these Canaanites for me. But Joseph, you speak...

Just do it, just do it. Hail to you, governor of Egypt. We come to buy corn from you. R-O-F-L-T-B-H-E-A-BASIC. He says he doesn't believe you. Girl, these some shady-ass bitches. 100, 100, 100. About to go full cookie.

Okay, he thinks you're spies is what he's saying. What? No, we're not spies. Tell him we're not spies. Okay. WTF, TBH, 100, 100. They're bae for life. Clap hands? Yeah, clap hands. Basic. Yeah, he doesn't believe you.

Put a bitch on lockdown, except for Simeon, cause that bitch Cardi be out of here. Holler at Benjamin to roll in. Yeah, so he's gonna lock up your brother Simeon and send you guys home until you bring back Benjamin. What? Really?

Uh, clap hands? Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands. Roll with some cards, because honestly, I'm paleo life right now. Hashtag living it. Hashtag loving it. Uh, yeah, he's sure, but you can

have some corn, and you can keep your money, so. Oh. Well, thanks? T.Y. Okurr. have some corn and you can keep your money so oh well thanks ty ok and so joseph's brothers returned to jacob and told them what joseph who they knew not had said what you guys lost simeon he was my fourth favorite son dad maybe you just don't rank your sons at all. Okay. I don't understand. How would you know which one's your favorite then?

That's stupid. You just wouldn't. I don't understand. You know what? Never mind. Tell you what, I'm going to go get Simeon back. And if I fail, you can kill my sons. How about that? Are they your favorite sons?

They're my only sons. So, yes. Okay, but which one do you like better bye dad hi the tall one probably the tall one oh man i'm so hungry again uh honestly maybe that popcorn tasting was a bad idea yeah because now we're all out of food. Again. My sons. My sons. Yeah, Dad. Yeah?

Wait. Didn't you go to get Simeon back? Yeah, it's unclear on the timeline where this takes place. Yeah. Oh. Well, go buy some more corn. We can't. The governor said he won't sell us any more corn without Benjamin. Right.

Right. But then didn't he give you sacks full of corn and your money back? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess he did. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe go and hope he does that same thing again.

Yeah, that makes sense. Well, it does. But in the book, you give us double the money and Benjamin. Why would I do that? Because this book is stupid. Right. Governor Joseph, your brothers are here, and

they brought Benjamin. Nice! Okay, so here's the thing. When they get here, I want to, like, throw a big party, and we're going to party hard, but then, just before they party, and we're going to party hard. But then, just before they leave, put my special divining cup into Benjamin's bag and then, like, go after them and arrest them. Uh, sorry, your special divining cup? Yeah.

Fucking Trump's going to fucking win again because your stupid-ass cousin's going to fucking win again because your stupid ass cousin's going to vote while everyone on our side's at home having a fucking self-care day in the fucking tub. Don't say that, man. Come on. No, no.

And you know what else? They're all going to stop listening to podcasts eventually. Come on. Don't. It's too dark. I'm going to end listening to podcasts eventually. Come on. Don't. It's too dark. I'm going to end up a social studies teacher in upstate New York. Dude, everybody likes podcasts. I don't like podcasts.

What? I don't. Oh, my God. They're so boring. Just blah, blah. I'm Dan Carlin. Blah, blah. Don't.

Don't. Oh, that Divining Cup. yeah that one my lord here are the prisoners uh you told us you bring you benjamin but then you were like come back and and here's some free quarters so it would be okay but i know you Silence! Your punishment shall be... Surprise! It's me, Joseph. The brother you tried to kill. Wait, what?

I got you. Got you guys. Pranked you. Right? Like you guys sold me into slavery and then I made you guys think I was gonna kill you. It's a fun prank thing we do. Not cool. Dude, too far. Way too far. Oh, my God.

You guys are such drama queens. Now, go get Dad so you can live here in Egypt with me, and you'll be like my pasta. I call Turtle. I call... Damn it. You can both be Turtle. I called it.

Jacob. Jacob. Ah. I thought it was named Israel now. Oh, right. Sorry. I haven't been in the book for a while. Jacob I thought it was named Israel now Oh right Sorry I haven't been in the book for a while Go to Egypt There I will make you the father

Of a great nation And then shall return you safely home Wow So no harm will come to me at all Absolutely not Just like Mikey Flynn Ah Didn't he go to jail Oh right sorry I forgot Paul Paul Manafort Will come to me at all? Absolutely not. Just like Mikey Flynn. Ah.

Didn't he go to jail? Uh, oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. Paul. Paul Manafort. Also jail. Michael Cohen. Uh, not jail, but convicted of some crimes.

Rick Gates. Nope. Uh, Georgie the Platypus. Uh, Papadopoulos. Uh, also, no. You worry too much. You'll be fine. Don't.

You're worrying. You're being weird. Daddy! There's my favorite son. My number one son. There he is. Son I love the most. Out of all my sons, good to see you, buddy. We're still here. Yeah, I see you right there.

Yeah, I gotta admit, I kinda get where the murdering thing comes in Pharaoh, this is my dad, Jacob, or Israel Uh, which is it? God's not even sure, actually Yeah, it's a fun thing Cool, uh, cool So, uh, quick question Is anyone with you your sister wife? Uh, no

Great, great You would not believe how often that's come up. And Joseph found much favor in Pharaoh's eyes, for he was a shrewd businessman. I mean, he was, you know, he looked really funny. You know, he looked like he was hilarious. Governor Joseph, Governor Joseph, please, the people of Egypt are starving. Do not worry about it. No problem. Just give me all the money in the land. I'm sorry, what? All the money in the land. Okay, all right. And then you'll give the people food?

We'll talk about it. Okay, that's all the money in the entire land. Do the people have some food now? Okay, so I totally forgot, and this is on me. I have forgiven myself, and I hope you can too. Can you bring me all of your cattle as well? All our cattle? Yeah, and your land. All our cattle and our land?

Well, it's not like you have to bring me the land. You get to keep the land. All our cattle and our land? Well, it's not like you have to bring me the land. You get to keep the land. You're just, from now on, you're going to give one-fifth of what you produce to Pharaoh, okay? Okay, so you mean like, like slavery? I mean, we have a thing where we do like a slit and then we say another word, but yes. I'm sorry, what? Yes, like slavery. And the time drew nigh that Israel must die, and he called his son Joseph. Joseph, put your hand under my thigh. Way ahead of you. Don't. Don't make it weird. So look, promise me you won't bury me in Egypt. There are black people here, and that's gross. Really? That's Jacob's last wish in the Bible?

I mean, kind of a family tradition. Just promise me. Yas. What? Yes. Yeah. This is serious. Wait, wait.

I have a speech. Oh, boo. Joseph, bring me your sons so I may bless them. Wait, he has sons? Do not put me in your boxes. All right, so I bless them. Ruben, you first. Let's say that's me.

We need a bigger cast for this. Okay, Ruben, you fucked my concubine, so fuck you. That's a blessing. Yeah, thanks, Dad. Simeon and Levi. You guys are dicks. Everyone hates you. Judah.

Judah. Yes, Father? Thy father's children shall bow down before thee. Oh, that's actually kind of nice. I was worried you were going to do some kind of... You shall wash your garments in wine and your clothes in the blood of grapes. Okay, those are just crazy dying person words. His eyes shall be red with wine and his teeth white with milk.

Okay, this is fun. Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea. And Issachar is a strong ass crouching down between two burdens. Hey, Issachar. Joseph. Sorry. Sorry. Dan shall judge his people

as one of the tribes of Israel. Fucking Dan. Judge Dan. Fuck this book. And Gad, um, a troop shall overcome him, but he shall overcome at last.

Uh, actually, I would like some more details on that if it's possible. Out of Asher, his bread shall be fat and he shall yield royal dainties. I think that just means you're gonna be a baker.

Naphtali is a hind let loose. He giveth goodly words. Fucking what? And Joseph, you are a fruit. Hurtful, plus you already did me. Let me finish. Let me finish. You are a fruitful bough.

A fruitful bough by a well whose branches run over the wall. Okay. Better, I guess. Benjamin shall raven as a wolf. In the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil. That's complete nonsense. Are you done? Yeah, I'm done. And so it was that Jacob was buried with all the pomp and circumstance

and all people mourned him. Hey, bro. I don't know if this is a good time, but just like super duper sorry for trying to murder you. Yeah, and selling you into slavery. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank, and selling you into slavery. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, everyone, for coming. My father, Jacob, dwelt in tents. And then he stole his brother's birthright with, like, some sheepskin. Then he went to this other place and was just like, give me your daughter. There was a series of rapes and murders. Honestly, probably not the best to go over at this time.

Not a great story. Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead. I'd like to leave you with a quote. Met an older man who taught me his own way to live and all I had to do to keep him was to give and give. Is that Carousel Man by Cher? Mm-hmm.

Yes. Feels inappropriate. Yeah. Sorry, okay. Kiss me now, before you go. Summertime sadness. Lana Del Rey. She doesn't own being sad during the summer.

Come on, man, get it together. Get it together. Poker face. Okay. We Del Rey. She doesn't own being sad during the summer. Come on, man. Get it together. Get it together. Poker face. Okay. We're going. Poker face. That's enough. Poker. And at the age of 110 years, Joseph died. Pass.

And thus ends the book of Genesis. Wait. That's's it I mean yeah Joseph that's the end of Genesis there's not like a moral or something at the end of the book I thought there'd be something like that

moral would be what would you say you do here I get it it's the first book of the bible and let's face it it's almost certainly the only one people who claim to have read the whole book i've ever read eli um it could use something along the lines of uh you know maybe a rousing number to wrap it up oh anna what's to be said that hasn't about the first book of the Bible a work of ugly fiction that made humanity

so tribal what lessons learned what morals gleaned to communicate to you except to say we're baffled that this book convinced the Jews

Genesis is all the proof that you need That nobody who's read this book could possibly believe Forget Richard Dawkins, the book punks itself The proof it's bullshit is to pull it down from the shelf The Lord in all his wisdom makes the world in seven days But the book forgets the order by the time you turn the page So God makes even Adam so he'll have some help to count But they eat the fruit he puts there so he freaks and kicks them out

He birds little Abel then shortly after Cain But God says Abe's his favorite so Cain bludgeons out his brain It's downhill after that though the book seems to rush, till God tells no the world's shitting, I'm about to flush. Genesis is all the proof that you need, that nobody who's read this book could possibly believe. Be it parent or pastor, there's one guarantee, nobody who's read this book could possibly believe.

So Noah gathers everyone upon his giant boat So he and the animals can spend the year afloat But after the flood, pious Noah gets crunk And his daughters do a tasting of their daddy's aged spunk His sons see his junk and they point and laugh to see Apparently this means that God is cool with slavery There's also something about a tower that makes God super mad. So he invents the languages and that's, I guess, bad?

Genesis is all the proof that you need. That nobody who's read this book could possibly believe. Ray Comfort and Ken Ham, they're both full of shit. Cause if you've read this book, then you fucking hate it. There's Abraham or Abram, it's never fucking clear. God's like, you should kill your son. And he's Abraham for Abram, it's never fucking clear. God's like, you should kill your son, and he's like, yeah man, hold my beer. He mutilates his dick to thank the voices in his head, then he fucks his wife's slave and leaves the kitten hurt for dead. The kid he likes is Jacob, also known as Israel. Steals his birthright with a goatskin, which I guess works

just as well. When Jacob has Joseph, he's like shantae east day and joe is an accountant like you still do to this day genesis is all the proof that you need that nobody who's read this book could possibly believe just count yourself lucky you didn't read along we saved your time and anguish go sign up on patreon yes genesis is all the proof that you need That nobody who's read this book could possibly believe With one book down, seventy-nine to go The chances are the Bible will last longer than the show But Genesis is all the proof that you need That nobody who's read this book could possibly believe

So if your atheist shirt is getting you looks Remember there's no better way to make an atheist today than reading them this book. And safe in the knowledge that that song is going to be stuck in your head all week, we'll take a break, but we'll be back soon with more Bible Peace Theater. theater. Before we dive into that leftover candy, I wanted to let you know that I appeared on not one, but two podcasts last week, but it was the same show on both of them. So if you'd like to hear me yell at the news, you can check out the Man Yells at News podcast or Secular Soup, both of which will be linked on the show notes, but you don't have to listen

to both of them because they're the same. But how you choose which one you do listen to, I don't know. I'll leave it in your hands. Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show Citation Needed debuting

at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, the hollowness of this episode would have left an echo to this point if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his mellifluous melancholy, Lucinda Lusions for her euphonic humanitarianism, and Eli Bosnick for his dulcet delirium. I also want to thank Carrie Lynn from the New Books and Secularism podcast

for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and if you'd like to give her a show a listen despite that lack of profanity-laden tirade she mentioned, you'll find it linked in the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most vivacious vertebrates, John, Caleb, Matt, Megan, Jenna, Sarah, Goose, It's Same, Supporter92, and Turd Ferguson. John, Caleb, and Matt, whose dicks are so legendary you spell their names in Morse code with all dashes, Megan, Jenna, and Sarah, whose IQs have more ones and zeros in them than my laptop,

and Goose, It's Same, Supporter92, and Turd Ferguson, who are so hot the sun has its picnics when they're out. Together, these ten tenacious tenant tenderizers made our tendentious tendencies more tenable this week by giving us tender. And normally, I'd spend a few seconds here telling you about our Patreon page, but instead, I'll tell you to go to modestneeds.org, give what you can, and then tell us all about it

so we can insult people. If you want more details, you'll find them at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com, which you're already going to be on looking for more details about vulgarity for charity anyway. How convenient

is that? fuck you the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2018 all rights reserved