The Scathing Atheist - 300: Tricentennial Edition

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

In this week’s episode, Alabama officially decides we the people didn't apply to them anyway, Pakistan dispels exactly zero Muslim stereotypes, and we’ll celebrate our 300th episode by kicking a Persian down a well. For more info about Vulgarity for Charity, click here: https://scathingatheist.com/2018/11/01/vulgarity-for-charity-2018/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To hear Noah on Philosophers in Space, click here: https://0gphilosophy.libsyn.com/ To hear more from Tom and Cecil, click here: http://dissonancepod.com/ To hear more from Thomas and Andrew, click here: https://openargs.com/ To hear more from Yvette, click here: http://twogirlsonemic.libsyn.com/ To check out the Free Roll 5 podcast, click here: https://freeroll5podcast.podbean.com/ Headlines: Alabama approves ballot measure to put Ten Commandments monuments on public property: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/07/al-allowing-ten-commandments-displays-on-public-property-is-a-legal-nightmare/ Losing assed Loser Kim Davis to pursue a Christian ministry: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/10/after-election-loss-anti-gay-ky-clerk-kim-davis-will-pursue-christian-ministry/ Asia Bibi released and looking for asylum before she gets murdered by an angry mob: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-46130189 Matthew Whitaker thinks judges need “Biblical view” of justice: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/trumps-pick-to-replace-sessions-thinks-judges-need-a-biblical-view-of-justice/ “Ex-gay” therapist who promotes conversion therapy found on gay dating apps: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/ex-gay-therapist-who-pushes-conversion-therapy-found-on-gay-dating-apps/ Parents form prayer circle over gay stage kiss in Shakespeare play for high schoolers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/12/parents-formed-prayer-circle-over-gay-stage-kiss-in-play-for-high-schoolers/ Vatican halts planned US vote on sex-abuse prevention measures: https://religionnews.com/2018/11/12/vatican-instructs-u-s-bishops-to-halt-voting-on-sex-abuse-measures/ and https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2018/11/13/halted-voting-by-vatican-us-bishops-begin-heated-debate-about-anti-sex-abuse-measures/?utm_term=.beaa76c0bbbc P-Robes to non-profit leader: Pray with volunteers whether they like it or not: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/pat-robertson-tells-non-profit-leader-to-pray-with-her-uncomfortable-volunteers/ Trump admin finalizes rules limiting women’s access to birth control: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/09/trump-admin-finalizes-rules-limiting-womens-access-to-birth-control/

warning these guys were already plenty vulgar when it wasn't for a good cause this week's episode of the scathing atheist is brought to you by forhims.com and by raising 23 000 for charity that's right fuck you lindsey from high school what's your husband do oh he works at toyota cool i raised 23 000 for charity. No big deal. And counting. Whatever. And counting. And counting. And now, The Scathing Atheist, which I'm on. I'm on that show. Now. Also, Lindsay. Steph, why? What's up, heathens?

This is your Dungeon Master from the Free Roll 5 podcast. Do you know what it's like gaming with filthy monkey men and women? Because I do. And I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women? Because I do. And I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. Good afternoon, everybody. It's Thursday. It's November 15th.

And it's National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day. Because old milk never becomes new cheese, Heath. You don't know. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from scared to pump your own gas New Jersey, Cincinnati swing state, and good husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

That's a weird phobia. On this week's episode, Alabama officially decides we the people didn't apply to them anyway. Pakistan dispels zero Muslim stereotypes. And we'll celebrate our 300th episode by kicking a Persian down a well. didn't apply to them anyway. Pakistan dispels zero Muslim stereotypes. And we'll celebrate our 300th episode by kicking a Persian down a well. But first, the diatribe.

You know, it's kind of a milestone all its own when even the milestones start looking familiar. Like, seriously, I was racking my brain for weeks trying to think of what to do for the diatribe on episode number 300. But, you know, I mean, I already did that. Look how divisible by 50 this episode number is, diatribes, on all those other episodes that were divisible by 50. And how many different ways can you say that, right? And I think I get dispensed with the

pretense here of not wanting to spend any time navel gazing i mean first of all i said that in diatribes for episode 50 200 and 250 and then i followed them up with five minutes of navel gazing so at this point you probably wouldn't buy it but also you know i i do want a navel gaze i feel like reaching 300 episodes is the kind of thing that deserves to be looked back over. I mean, when we started this show, it was on the week that Obama was being inaugurated for his second term. Right. It was a time that seemed like secular government was barreling towards the finish line and just needed a few motivated atheist cheerleaders to nudge it the rest of the way. The Supreme Court, yeah, flawed as it was, but at least it seemed like a stalwart defense against theocracy.

And that was with Scalia still munching on cladowing patty frogs behind the bench. The American electorate was made up of an ever larger share of non-believers. They were increasingly active in the political arena. There was real, albeit belated, momentum behind LGBTQ rights and the hilarious flailings of the fundamentalists

seemed increasingly desperate. We weren't popping quarks exactly, but, you know, we were we were putting it on ice. And there I was in the middle. All of this is some weird combination of Pollyanna, Chicken Little and Cassandra talking about now as some distinct but remote possibility, like a like a worst of all worlds prediction prediction if we failed to press our advantage. I mean, sure, you go back to the older episodes and here and there, I'm going to seem hopelessly naive about America's political future. But considering it was going to turn into this, Eeyore would have seemed naively optimistic. But here and there, I'll slip into some warning that

we could theoretically, if you think about it, somehow slip into a political death spiral that would lead us to present day 2018. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I saw any of this coming or that I've got any greater ability to predict the future than a magic eight ball, but I've been afraid of it, you know, and and anybody who took it upon themselves to keep up with a couple dozen evangelical blogs, news sites and YouTube channels over the last few years would have been, especially as the flyover state politicians started to echo those people's buzzwords. But look, if I'd said back in January 2013, hey guys, we better be prepared because in six years we're going to have a president whose one play playbook for dealing with scandals is throw a bone to bigoted fundamentalists, I'd have been laughed off the stage. You know, if I'd suggested that Roe versus Wade would be under serious threat,

that we'd be rolling back legal protections for LGBTQ people, or that we'd be restricting access to birth control, I'd have been called an alarmist. I know because I did suggest those things and was called an alarmist. But we live in a permanent state of worst case scenario now, and we alarmists are in the best possible position to act. Now, if you want to put a silver lining on this toilet plunge America and the world at large has taken over the last six years, you can look at it as a death rattle. You know, back in

2013, the Christian nationalists were wounded and backed into a corner. Give them enough time. They had no choice but to bleed out. But that didn't mean they weren't still dangerous. And that's what we're seeing now. I mean, you know, the numbers kind of back that up, right? The people driving this authoritarian, racist, bent-to-world politics right now are old, undereducated, from underpopulated places and otherwise destined to be out of power for most of ever. You know, they're vanguards of racist, ignorant ideologies that the majority of us have consigned

to the septic tank of history. They're stalwarts of antiquated beliefs stretched ever thinner by the advance of science. And what's more, they're going all in. They're doomed by demographics, and yet they're alienating ever more generations in their effort to hold on to this one dying one a little bit tighter. And in a lot of ways, I think we got blinded by that. You know, I mean, when victory is inevitable, it can seem like the battles don't matter. But as long as what you're fighting for matters, the battles always will, too.

You know, people are suffering under this burgeoning evangelical theocracy here. Women are losing rights. Trans people are losing personhood. Refugees are losing their children. Children are losing their education. And every day that the Senate can keep confirming Mike Pence's judges, they ensure the suffering will go on that much longer. Every battle matters because this is the kind of shit that happens when we lose them.

And in light of all of that, when I look back over our 300-episode contribution to this conversation, I kind of feel like it's a training montage for politics in 2018, right? You know, like those of you who have been listening for a while, you could just clip together a bunch of memories and diatribes and headlines and shit that we did where you got angry and reflected on how horrible the world would be if those evangelicals ever got their way you toss a little rockies music behind that you've got the atheist 80s movie version of this decade assuming that we kick even drago's ass in 2020 joining me for headlines tonight are charitable vulgar, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to dole out some altruistic fucks?

Wait, are we talking about pity sex? Because I'm usually on the receiving end of that. Anna's wedding vows were beautiful. They were beautiful. All right, well, I'll tell you what. We've got a lot of vulgarity for charity to get to this week, so we're going to keep the headlines short. But first, a word from this week's first sponsor, HIMS.

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No? And now, back to the headlines in our lead story tonight while the rest of the country was heading to the polls to vote on amendments that would restore voting rights increase the minimum wage expand access to health care and protect transgender rights alabamians were voting to make sure people with the wrong god would know about it when they went to the courthouse. Yes, amendment number one in the state with the third highest poverty rate, the sixth worst public schools, and the seventh highest violent crime rate was a measure to amend their state constitution to, quote, allow display of the Ten Commandments in schools and on other public property, end quote. And it passed by more than a 40-point margin.

All right, boys, start bringing out the Baphomet statues. We got some shit to do. Roy Moore wakes up with a severed Baphomet goat head in his bed. He's like, okay, fuck, fuck, I'm not even a judge anymore. Just relax. All right. Chaz Stevens just twerking in his window, pouring goat's milk on himself. All right.

So at this point, you're probably wondering, hey, does the Alabama state constitution supersede the we the people one? And no, it doesn't. We actually fought a whole war about that. It was a big thing. It was a big to-do. I mean, I don't want to be pedantic, but me and Heath weren't born yet, Noah. So you, you fought a whole war about that it was it was a big thing it was a big to do i mean i don't want to be pedantic but me and heath weren't born yet noah so you you fought a whole war with we the royal we anyway the aclu was quick to characterize the vote as both unsurprising and legally meaningless what with the first amendment still being in effect and all but they do fear that it will

give public officials quote false comfort that they will be saved from costly litigation, end quote. And is if to save them the trouble of italicizing that, Alabama's Governor Kay Ivey has signaled that she'll do everything within her power to ensure that Ten Commandments displays are on display within 90 days of the vote. Cool, cool. Couldn't just promise to pour a ton of money into a big hole because fuck everyone that isn't my religion. Is that too direct?

What was she thinking here? Well, this is Alabama, so probably something like, Jesus, college football. Jesus, college football. Black guy, nope, nope, Italian, false alarm. Jesus, college football. Now, it's worth noting that the amendment actually prohibits any public funds from being spent on the legal defense of those displays. So when they're inevitably sued, it'll be like Christian legal defense funds were draining instead of the public coffers.

And while there's no legal question that this is wildly unconstitutional, thanks to our latest pair of Supreme Court justices, there is a question about whether wildly unconstitutional matters anymore so we'll keep you posted but at least all those non-voters sent a message you know i think that's the important thing yeah we got to remember here and in bb86 news we have a follow-up on last week's story about the acquittal and release of a christian woman Aziah Bibi, a previously convicted blasphemer. Pakistan. In case you missed it, she was on death row for eight years. Yelling, rude, virtue signaler. Until

this latest trial finally decided not to have her executed for verbally taunting a Muslim guy who's been dead for almost 1400 years. Also, she probably never did that. Doesn't matter. This is Pakistan.

And apparently that's their national motto. So there you go. Right. No, Pakistan, come see our us killing you. Oh, that's weird. They have the same motto as Air India. So Ms. Bibi did confess to insulting muhammad but it was to a literal pitchfork mob that almost beat her to death that day and that's when she went to jail got convicted and almost got

killed by the state but now that she's been legally vindicated she's in the middle of uh getting almost killed by the state again yep yeah instead of organizing her immediate asylum in anywhere the fuck else the government of pakistan just released her into islamabad where they manufacture most of those pitchforks i'm assuming and while she tries to find asylum her only protection is being handled by a government that almost killed her for talking. So, yeah, well, OK, but it's not like they're just going to literally look the other way while a Muslim mob hacks her to death with machetes. Bangladesh called that that's kind of there. They got dibs on that.

Yeah. And to be fair, the list of people who want to escape Pakistan has got to be fucking long. Like she can't just front sees backes, back-sees that shit. You know, she's got to wait. Wait her turn. Okay, what about people who want to leave because they're going to get murdered? I feel like that would be... Ibid. Yep, okay.

Yeah, ibid indeed. So, in response to Bibi's acquittal, the country of Pakistan broke out into violent protests. The country of Pakistan broke out into violent protests. Entire cities had their major roads being blocked off for days because giant crowds of people needed to stand in line together and yell, what the fuck? We didn't get to murder that lady. Seriously, you need to let us murder that lady is the theme of our protest. And apparently the government was like, okay, maybe.

We're going to consider maybe doing that. That's real, by the way. A few days after the protests began, the government announced that legal proceedings would soon begin to prevent Asia Bibi from leaving the country. Okay, so what we need is Ben Affleck to get in there. Oh, you know Argo was just a movie. No, no, I mean he's going to show everyone Justice League,

and then they will kill themselves, and she just walks out. Oh, okay, that could work. Yeah, it's like the happening. And by the way, also helping with Bibi not leaving Pakistan was the UK. She actually applied for asylum there and got rejected because the UK is the us of europe apparently can they maybe swap her for tommy robinson i hear there you go yeah now uh fortunately basic ethics is still a thing in a few other countries bb's attorney secured

temporary asylum in the netherlands and most recently it looks like justin trudeau and his beautiful beautiful kind face that i have on my ceiling uh they're currently in talks with bb about bringing her family to canada meanwhile the entire city of islamabad is doing a giant lynch mob training montage just rocky music pitchfork and torch choreography and tackling greased up christian women as they run around a little pen maybe edit the book maybe it's time to edit your fucking book and in delayed inaction news tonight after largely ignoring the ongoing child sex abuse scandal for the 16 years since it was made public by the boston globe the u.s conference of catholic bishops decided it was finally time to do something about it. Symbolically.

During their annual conference, they planned to vote on two action items. One would create yet another commission to look into ways to keep their dicks out of kids. The other would outline protocols for bishops who did put their dicks in kids. But even this belated and impotent gesture was apparently too much for the Vatican,

which ordered the conference to delay the symbolic votes until after their international not raping kids conference in February. All right, love the brainstorming, guys. Good stuff. But let's go ahead and table it until after we workshop those ideas at the big conference. That'd be better.

We're going to workshop not raping kids versus the alternative is apparently what I meant when I said that. And see what we like better. Somebody else talk. But that's what this is, right? It's corporate bullshit. Because we've all been in this toy meeting but it turns out that this just also applies to kid raping for the catholic church clearly okay this is a brainstorm session let's not act on any ideas right now all right yeah but see now in fairness

to the usccb they did express disappointment in the vatican's decision and cardinal blaise kupik of uh chicago urged the group to hold a delayed non-binding vote on the symbolic actions making it an empty gesture to the third power Kupik added that action on the crisis quote is something we can't delay and quote not adding more yeah that's important but we're going to do a resolution. Okay, so whereas sexually abusing a child is horrible. No? Okay. Crossing out horrible.

Whereas sexually abusing a child is awful. We still know that's not. Neither of those. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, we're about to hit overtime. Let's say resolution TBA.

And we'll just table this. I was interested in how you were going to deliver the text you had in the crossed out font. And can I just say, you nailed it. Thank you. Thank you. Here you go. So with the sweeping inaction out of the way, the body's president delivered a speech about the importance of not raping kids where he said quote whether we will be remembered as guardians of the abused or of the abuser will be determined by our action today and this week and in the months ahead end quote

subtly suggesting that time began only moments before his speech with all our memories before that event just implanted by some kind of malevolent force trying to make them look bad. But to be clear, what they did that day was nothing. Right? And also that's what they had on the itinerary for the rest of the week. So even if we grant him a century plus of like rapinesia, they're still the guardians of the abusers by their own standard. Oh, okay. So you can use rapinesia as a word in your headlines,

but I can't offer a class edit at QED? Typical. That was Andy's decision. And it is typical. And finally tonight, the Trump administration announced their finalized set of regulations for how they're going to make access to birth control as difficult as possible for as many women as possible. This is their latest attempt at eroding the Affordable Care Act, removing laws from Christian people, ignoring data, taking away bodily autonomy from more than half the population, and being terrible at eugenics despite a big chunk of their party's normal propensity for such things or put more succinctly the gop is once again republicaning cool cool was there a time when

they stopped like i've been pretty busy with the vulgarity for charities did they miss did was there a respite that i well no they well the thing is that they've been failing at republicaning mostly which is which is normally called libertarian-ing, but it's gotten weird lately to have sort of crossed over. Yeah, so the rules allow any private business or nonprofit group to withhold coverage for contraception in the health insurance plans they offer to employees. And the reason doesn't even have to be related to the passage in the bible about ieds anymore the reason could just be fuck you should have been born with a penis doesn't matter whatever you want any non-religious moral conviction is fine so basically we took the hobby lobby decision which is fucking awful that allowed religious people to break the

law and we said also everyone now apparently you get an exemption and you get an exemption fuck you know it's not the evil that bothers me it's the obvious lazy evil like next week they're just going to be like uh blacking is illegal now. What? Yep. Come get my Senate seat in two Super Bowls. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. So this is obviously horrible. First of all, birth control is amazing.

It's the greatest. Strong disagree. I meant like the pill. Withdrawn. Yeah. Well, that too. That too. But birth control is one of the most important inventions in history.

Most people should definitely not be running their piece of shit mouth-breathing DNA back in the gene pool. That's just irresponsible. Instead of chopping off foreskin, we should be tying it off on top of like a bread bag for most people. I spin and talk myself oh yeah boo the worst but also how do these employers think that fucking money works like do they hand out cash and then just be like all right everyone please don't use this particular pile for murdering cum. You promise not to do that.

Great. What does fungible mean? Boo. Nerd. Whatever. Talk to us tomorrow. I kind of feel like the whole Hobby Lobby decision is just designed as a reminder that slippery slope isn't just a fallacy. Yeah.

And in other news, nobody forgot about how the house got flipped and how Donald Trump is embarrassed. Didn't trick anybody. With that glimmer of hope to cling to, we're going to close off the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji, what does that say? And when we come back, Thomas Eazle will be here to cuss at charitable people. Hey there, podcast listener. You know, I've done a lot of not smart stuff over the years,

like running the world's only failed casino, or publicly admitting to being the thing everyone's accusing me of, or trying to jail my political opponents for crimes I committed, or the time that I went to the- Sir, sir, sir, the ad. Oh, but you know what else isn't smart? Job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. You know what is smart? ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't wait for candidates to find you. ZipRecruiter finds them for you. It's powerful matching technology, scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with the right

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ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. You know, a lot has changed since last week's Vulgarity for Charity segment. The days have gotten shorter. Arizona has got a democratic

senator and an incredibly generous donor has offered a 25 000 match if we can raise over 25 grand by the time the fundraiser ends the day before thanksgiving amazing recording we are only a couple grand away we've already raised 22 970. And Heath, I'm afraid that means you will be reading all about young people who couldn't be bothered to vote on the 6th in a Vulgarity for Charity exclusive. Woo! We already said it.

Now, if you've already given any amount of money, there's nothing for you to do. Just check your inbox sometime soon for a link to download. But if you want to hear the worst thing that happened to Heath that wasn't his fault, head over to ModestNeeds.com. Give what you can. Send us an email at VulgarityForCharity at gmail.com. Any donation above $50 gets you a roast like we'll hear today.

And you might just win a roast from a friend of the podcast. So let's just jump right in here. Joseph tossed us $55 to roast him. Eli, do your worst okay uh joseph looks like his make-a-wish was for thicker eyebrows he looks like an angry bird on chemo yeah absolutely like a mass shooter who forgot to start with himself yeah all right tom turn it your way rick's ex-wife needs a little signature sauce wow okay uh

took a quick look there rick and just i mean wow the fuck man like i don't know how you like to get off but i'm telling you like whatever this costs you you're getting off easy. Oh, God. Like, your ex-wife looks like what would happen if Hobocum was as addictive as meth. Oh, God. Like, your ex-wife is actually, I mean, she's pretty lucky, though. I mean, she looks safe. Like, pass out anywhere with her pants around her ankles and not even Brett Kavanaugh would touch her. Oh, shit.

Like, that's kind of safe. Like your ex-wife looks like gonorrhea would throw its fucking pestilent hands in the air and take one look at your ex-wife and just pass. I mean, don't worry, Rick. Someday, when your ex-wife's five-year plan of blowing dudes in Buick Skylarks for 20 bucks finally runs its course and she ODs, you'll have long since forgotten to care just like everybody else.

All right. Shit, Ricky, got your money's worth. Okay, Heath. Jordan would like a roasting for his wife and your Scrabble-nenimusess, Jenny. Well, Jenny looks like she's really good at Scrabble. Also, though, she's not very good at Scrabble, so not great.

Jordan, if you're looking for a busty, pale, recessive nerd with freckles that look like a petri dish full of bacteria, maybe it's time to find a real woman like Heath. A real woman who knows how to manage a rack. Jenny looks like your first date is under a waterfall. She found as a little girl and she cheated on you.

She's got cheated on. All right, so Cecil. John gave us 400 bucks to roast his buddy, Phil. Okay. Phil looks like there's an elaborate cord and pulley system to pull start his brain. He looks, I mean, he kind of appears to be starting a new kind of cosplay, Steam Plump. With that eyepiece thing he's got going on, he kind of looks like

Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy. If Star-Lord had developed an addiction for mainlining Oreo filling. Phil, buddy, you look like the VA tried their very best.

Looks like if Ben Garrison made a cyborg. He looks like if the million dollar man had been a coal miner noah got one for you uh rebecca would like a roast for the state of georgia and i figure you're the man for the job since you spent last month doing the tough mutter they make you do to vote there so yeah no it just sort of comes out naturally during room tone okay the state of georgia is like if you took a fetid swamp covered in an alligator's rattlesnakes rat-sized cockroaches and every kind of venomous spider indigenous to the u.s filled it with uneducated criminals and then let them interbreed for 13 generations oh wait

it isn't like that it It is that. Right? It's the state so bad people sigh with relief when they get out. Even though that means by necessity they're entering Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, or South Carolina. Or they just drove into the ocean, which is honestly the best possible option. If you're already here. No using state mottos, we said. All right, now occasionally our listeners need a roasting that only we five can deliver with the accuracy

and specificity of a Tomahawk missile. So it's time for a little something we call, you get it, right? Now Cecil, this first one's for you. Travis gave us 200 bucks to take on people who insult the good name of Warhammer by calling Trump the God King. And since I have no idea what the

fuck I said, and his email is full of nerd code that only you understood, I'm going to let you give them the thrashing that they deserve there. To be honest, this actually fits. I mean, not the God King part, but the Emperor is the leader of a fascist group that travels

around the galaxy bringing planets into compliance by killing all the illegal aliens? The real insult here is you'd have to draw Trump looking regal. I mean, you might as well adorn the Mona Lisa with a suction cup cock and make her look like a dildo unicorn. Or take the Son of Man painting and replace the apple with a pair of saggy balls, you know? Also, have you seen America? I mean, it's clear that God King has embraced chaos, you know? This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy knows. Oh, it'd be amazing if the dildo followed you as you walked. Oh, yeah. Like Scooby-Doo eyes. Just one eye. Oh, whenever dildos comes up, Tom's going to bring up Scooby-Doo. It's like 100% of the time here. Okay, Eli.

Similarly, Alan gave us $250 to roast Jordan Peterson, Brett Dalton, Richard C. Meyer, and Jordan Peterson again. I love that. I love that so much. That's fantastic. I love that. I love that so much. That's fantastic. This, Marks, I believe the first and only time your list of least favorite YouTubers has made anybody money.

So have at it, bro. Okay, Alan, thank you. I mean, what can I say about Jordan Peterson that hasn't been said by the psychological, academic, or merely informed community? Jordan Peterson is such an obvious hack, his next self-help book will be a Gideon Bible with the title scratched off and a whole bunch more rules for life written in in sharp. Okay, now, Alan pointed out that Brett Dalton is ridiculously good-looking,

and there's no doubting that. However, he does look like his body is starving his face to death. So there's that. There is that. Next up is Richard C. Meyer, who was one of the leading figures of Comicsgate, the most recent attempt by stupid white men to signify that any scandal that ends in gate is, in fact, about hating women. While a lot of people pointed out that Jim Jeffries already took care of Richard by letting him talk, Jeffries did forget to point out that he looks like everyone's personal trainer got together to fuck everyone's divorced dad.

He looks like he's never been on a date that hasn't started with negging, and he looks exactly like the audience for Jordan Peterson. So incredibly mind-numbingly stupid that entire industries and careers are supported by telling him he's not. Brought it all the way around. Well done, sir. Okay, and Alan also wanted a roast for people who jog and place on corners. Fuck you!

Fuck all those people. God damn it. Good one. Cecil, you on occasion run people. God damn it. Good one. Cecil, you on occasion run places. How about you take this one? I do, I do. Let's see. People who run in place, you realize you're wasting your precious time tapping your feet. You could be taking an

Instagram selfie of you doing the activity like a normal douchebag. Alright, Heath, this one hits a little close to home for me. Brendan has a special request for you to roast Jacksonville Jaguars and their fans. Jacksonville has a zoo? I wouldn't have thought.

Kinda. Yeah, okay, so the Jaguars are the heroin habit of NFL teams. Everyone said they were a bad idea, but they started out weirdly good with plenty of money. It was like weirdly, weirdly fun. But then really quickly, they're basically a homeless squatter in northern Florida. And then Mark Brunel left, and they haven't had a usable arm since.

They're Requiem for a team. They are. And their fans are mostly from Jacksonville, Florida. I feel like that speaks for itself. Limp Bizkit is from Jacksonville, Florida. A band named after a cookie covered in mixed cum is more successful than their football team. And speaking of Jaguars fans, Noah, you're up next. Mary wants us to roast Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

Oh, fuck that guy. Okay, Jerry Jones, first of all, looks like if Jeff Sessions hadn't been eunuched back in 72. The guy was running a business that was good because of somebody else back in the 80s. He's failed at everything since then and people still act like he's a success. What I'm saying is he's the Donald Trump of NFL owners. Alright, so Tom, after last week's brutal bastings, we've gotten yet another request for the long-form destruction that only you can deliver so how about a roast for emily's old boss

oh emily sorry your boss was such a monumental piece of shit but i mean really like it wasn't even his fault like honestly think about it from his viewpoint imagine if like instead of being you every morning you woke up like he does without enough manhood even to bother summoning a piss boner in the morning this poor son of a bitch has to hobble to the bathroom his bones and ligaments groaning with the pointless effort to propel him through one more meaningless day and he has to try to come up with one reason just one not to put his fucking gun in his mouth and after walking past his wife who he knows is fucking a real man while he's gone

all he has left in his ugly little life is to try to spread the seed of his misery until he finally summons enough courage to do the world the favor it deserves. Jesus. So mean. All right. It's the best. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to need a second. But we put a little aloe on that burn. So, okay, we're going to let things settle down for a second, and we're going to turn to our first celebrity roaster of the evening,

Yvette Detremont, the Psy-Babe. Hello, everyone. This is Yvette Detremont, the Psy-Babe, and co-host of the Two Girls, One Mic podcast. And I've been called in by special request to spit-roast some horrible hucksters and hoaksters. Now, for legal reasons, I would never use the term fucking frauds or two-bit con men, so commentary on looks and general stupidity will have to do. First up is Nora's co-worker Desiree, who refuses to vaccinate her child and instead insists on filling up everyone's work emails with requests for prayer assistance when the kid gets sick.

Oh, Desiree. This veteran of the Tupperware Wars looks like all the craze that David Icke is friends with. They're more like the reptilians he thinks runs the planet. And honey, if you want to feel better, take the bandana off your head and stuff it in your mouth for a year or two. I saw on Facebook that it does wonders. Next up, Amber gave us some dough to take on Michael Marshall's evil twin, Martin Shkreli.

Martin might always look like someone's accountant who you just caught with his dick in the copier. But as many of you know, he's headed to jail this year. And look, I'm not saying it would be funny if someone gave you AIDS in jail, Martin. I'm saying it would be expensive. And that's funny and finally on a more serious note as a woman with a chronic illness who also works against bullshit a giant fuck you to Christine's chiropractor anti-vax Trump supporting uncle Mark who uses machinations made her already difficult conditions worse. You know, Mark, as often as I've been told I'm a career destroyer lately, I almost wish it were true so I could end yours.

And while I can take some comfort in the fact that you look like fat Ben Kingsley grew Dame Judi Dench's pubes on his face, my greater hope is you'll hear this mark and know that while you're out there destroying lives christine is giving money to save them this is yvette don termall the side babe from the two girls one mic podcast saying there's got to be a better way to raise money for charity than this thank you yvette and if you haven't gotten a chance by the way to check out the two girls one mic podcast treat yourself it's on iTunes. It's wherever else you get your podcasts. Or you can just check for the link in the show notes. All right, Eli, Francis would like you to insult snooty French people.

And Elvis would like you to insult him in your terrible French accent. Why, Francis and Elvis? Why encourage this behavior? Oh, hello, French people. It is me. One of you. Oh, hello French people. It is me. One of you. Oh, what's that? You like to sit down at my cafe and rest a while with your giant bags? No. No, no. I'm afraid I'm too

busy serving my single French customer who looks like fruit leather. Have you noticed all the beautiful things in my country? Very nice. No, we've really been riding on the back of them for the last 200 years while we rolled over like a bitch to whatever form of Nazi was in or out of power at the time. Anyway, while you're here, enjoy some of our food,

which was the best in the world around the same time as we were relevant. But now, it seems like our cooking classes consist of just staring at a board with the word butter and fancy written on it in four years. Oh, there you are, Elvis. I didn't see you there for a second because I thought you were a mime

in witness protection. You look like you give people beat poetry as an anniversary gift. So long, everybody. I am off to surrender and vote meh when one of the people running is a Nazi.

Goodbye. Also, if we're being accurate, we should probably add about 45 minutes of weird noises involving excess mouth air, saliva, and the letter F. Just like that. All right. So next up, we got a special request from Kyle who gave us 200 bucks to give his ex-girlfriend the kind of roast that only Tom can deliver. Tom.

Yes. Hit us with something so good David Smalley won't read it. So something funny? I should do something funny. All right, so this one goes out to Tiara. Hey, Tiara. Hey, you know that phrase, what goes around comes around? It's not true. It's not.

Sometimes really shitty people still win out in the end, and sometimes being a cruel, mean-spirited, selfish cunt is actually rewarded. And maybe, just maybe, Tiara, you will be one of those deeply fortunate consummate assholes who never gets what they deserve. That's certainly possible. But maybe, just maybe, fate will intervene,

and you will find yourself shivering and cold, the scent of your days- old urine filling your nostrils as you lay helpless on the greasy linoleum floor of your shitty third floor walk up gasping your final breath. The last thought on your mind, only your astonishing, crushing loneliness. Hey, that's Tom's recycling material from the Heath roast. We said no doing that. Except for that exact text on my birthday. It's fucked up. Oh, Tierra's going to spend the rest of her life thinking the fact that the only thing people ever say about her is that she's kind of pretty, and that's a good thing.

If you were a mail-order bride, Tierra, I'd return to send her. All right. Deserved and delivered. Next up, Holly would like a roast of her boss. Holly, your boss looks like, you know,

like if you walk in the room one day, you might catch him smelling your chair. Like his face is pressed up against it so hard. And he's just like sucking in air. Like he's at the doctor's office. You know, he's the kind doctor's office. You know? He's the kind of guy that, you know, when you're in a meeting with your superiors, he'd throw you under the bus so fast he would redshift. And he looks like a campaign ad if you were allowed to run for parole.

Also, Kate wanted a roast of her brother-in-law, so Jamyleal i don't give a fuck if i'm pronouncing your name correctly but i believe it's jamal you look like sinbad fucked a turducken that shot heroin while it was pregnant and apparently by the way he's the kind of insecure asshole that forbids his wife from hanging out with other people lest one of them tells him how big a penis is supposed to get he's the kind of asshole that would probably tweet trump to see like what he's allowed to grab if his facebook post went viral you know all right uh heath will would like a roast for australian prime minister scott morrison uh okay uh he looks like an evil king's idiot son who you know like had to get promoted to a position of power eventually but the king's super worried about it

so finally the king's like alright fuck fine you can have Australia you get Australia Scott Morrison is like free ice cream cones and the king's like idiot this is serious you're running a thing I just get ah fuck and Scott Morrison's like I shot myself in the leg with my gun idiot, this is serious. You're running a thing. I just get, ah, fuck.

And Scott Morrison's like, I shot myself in the leg with my gun. I gave him his leg. Yep, there it is. Figured that would happen. Scott Morrison looks like he always just shot himself with a gun and smiled like an idiot because he's proud of himself.

Megan gave us $165 because a ginger needs to somehow further be burned. She describes this employee of hers as a shithead emo kid with douchey facial hair including what appears to be a pointy ginger chin only beard.

Can you rise to the challenge, sir? Oh, lovely. Okay. He looks like carrot top fucked ginger spice then she had an abortion but the fetus survived and it crawled out of a dumpster amazing and then it tried to become a magician but it's a an ugly fetus so it failed and became a lackey on a porn set who does the stuff nobody else wants to do. And his porn name is Blumpkin Spice, obviously.

He looks like he's going to try to sell you a vegan recipe book on the streets of New York. All right, Cecil, you got something to say to Justin's uncle? Sure. If Bill Clinton would have gotten somebody pregnant with that cigar, you'd have Justin's uncle? Sure. If Bill Clinton would have gotten somebody pregnant with that cigar, you'd have Justin's uncle.

But the cigar would have to be a blunt filled with crack. In the photo, you're surrounded by dozens of white flags. That's your family giving up on you, Justin's uncle. You're like North Korea when you're around. There's three generations of

suffering. Justin's uncle looks like a buck tooth escaped and became a person. All right, Tom. Brandon needs a little anti-love for his old cult leader. Cult leader. All right. All right, guys. Imagine a man who, in one of the least religious, happiest places on the entire planet,

has to resort to being a religious cult leader just so people won't vomit at the sight of him. Like, cult leaders really have it all, though. They have that special kind of love and admiration, and only decades of terrible emotional blackmail can buy you. I mean, that's the best kind because it's genuine, right? And, you know, the world has rejected you as completely and as thoroughly as possible when the only love and admiration anyone can summon for your bloated fucking face is enforced for just exactly as long as it takes to leave you okay wait wait a second noah i resent the implication that's been going around this round of vulgarity for charity that that Tom is the only one of us who can darkly monologue about the truly fallen among our victims. I mean, we all bring a different je ne sais quoi. Cecil has his biting wit. I bring wacky characters beloved by all.

Tom obviously does the long and the mean. Your intelligence and knowledge is unsurpassed. We all bring something to the table. No, I don't understand why. Great. No, that's great. This is a great week. This is fun. Alright, Eli. What say you give the Tom treatment to Wade's dad who definitely

deserves it? Alright, okay. Here we go. Now listen, kid! Maybe without the impression, though. Did you guys think I was Tom, though? No, not even. I have lots of different talents that we could emphasize right now if we wanted to just make a list, whatever. Okay, Wade's dad, I'm not going to tell you anything that nature hasn't already written like a billboard across your face. I mean, if you looked up rapey coward in the dictionary, you'd

be too afraid to turn the page. But Wade's dad, here's the thing. You can go on as many missions as you want. You can go to church spaghetti dinners until noodles come out of your ears. But Wade's dad, deep down, you're a bad person, not corrupted, not evil evil not filled with demons the way you've always told yourself there's just no good to uncover no diamond in the rough you are simply a broken man a badly made human bicycle a sickness for which thank non-existent god your children are the cure and when you die wade's dad which will be so much sooner than you think you will die alone with the worst person i could curse you to be with yourself okay all right no that was pretty damn good this is fun i see why he's doing it yeah okay so cecil any of that meanness rub off on you over the years?

Only that one time, but we're cool now. It's the beard. It's from the wrong angle. I just thought it was. We all know what you thought it was, Tom. It was the 80s. Okay. Cecil, let's have it for Morgan's Trump-supporting dad.

Morgan's dad, I see you like Ray-Bans. I mean, the eyes are the window to the soul, and it's obvious that if you took those off, we would see the two sunken holes in your head filled with your dead black eyes. Unlike human eyes, yours don't have a thing of substance behind them. Instead, these holes into the abyss

just eat the surrounding happiness and joy and process it into selfish contentment and vain glory. Then you refine that positive energy into, I'm guessing, chest hair production? I'm sorry, I can't do this. Morgan's dad, you look like a guy who proudly cuts his hair with a fucking weed whacker. You look like you don't understand that at your advanced age, when you turn your head and do a selfie, your neck looks like a flaccid cock shaft, man. All right, Heath, I can tell you're pulling at the leash you want to do another dog again wait what no i can be mean give me a mean

one i hate people way more than tom does give me a mean one all right all right let's see if you can get it going on uh jordana's old boss preston who stole her work and aggressively sexually harasses his female co-workers. All right, fun. Okay, Preston, hey, how's it going? I know you're busy masturbating to a trophy of yourself that you bought yourself for winning a contest that you created yourself. Just give me your attention for a minute. just just give me your attention for a minute quick lesson about basic humanity while you try to weep enough tears onto your hand to decongel all the mucus and blood that's been built up looks like you're trying to grate the nub end of the cheese

but uh that doesn't mean you get to skip the consent part. That's still a fucking rule. It means instead that you get to be an incel. That's what that means. Do you hear that, by the way? That's your right hand blowing a rape whistle. Does that sound familiar? Yeah, that's probably because your mom was blowing one when she gave birth to you. Just like every single female you've ever interacted with wanted to do, but they probably just didn't have a rape whistle handy.

Also, that's a third place trophy. You're bad at everything. You're horrible. Who knew he had it in him, folks? Who knew? Felt good. This is fun. Felt good.

Noah, you want a hint of this? I'm feeling great. Oh, dude, I've been getting high on hate since Tom was in diapers. We're like the same age. Right, but Haley sent me the pictures. No, no, no. Quiet down, Noah. Kids, move on.

Forward those back to me. That's how that works. All right. Well, Matthew wants a roast for the Autism Speaks charity. So, okay. At first, I thought, wow, roasting an autism charity is going to be tough. And then I did any amount of research about Autism Speaks. Holy fuck, they're so awful.

This fucking charity spent years funneling money into anti-vax research long after that shit was discredited, which was the day after they started fucking saying it. They pay their executives lavish salaries and they produce videos that literally present autistic people as the grim fucking reaper. It's like if we found out that Suzanne Summers was taking care of the hunger problem by trying to find a cure for having black kids. They got two stars on

fucking Charity Navigator. But even that's misleading. They got one star for their financial management and four for transparency. So the second star for their financial management and four for transparency. So the second star is for being honest about wasting the money. Fun fucking reel. Well done, gentlemen. But I don't try to edit or think or do funny voices or die alone.

Those are your things. That's fun. This is fun. We're having a fun time. You guys step back. I'm doing great. Give me a moment. Let me rev up up let a pro show you how this is done all right well tom i have saved a special victim for you how about giving steve's sister-in-law some of that signature vitriol all right uh well steve you didn't uh include a name for your sister-in-law i'm not

surprised i wouldn't bother naming a baby nobody wanted either. Stevie told us quite a bit about your sister-in-law in your message, but forgive me, I didn't take notes. Who convinced her to get the hair plug eyebrows? That's an unusual choice. You don't see that. It's pretty evident from the photo you sent that she won't be in your lives long. I can't imagine that when your brother regains his eyesight

or recovers from whatever traumatic brain injury inspired him to marry this walking petri dish, that he won't dump her to the side of the road like a piss-filled bottle of Gatorade. She appears to be worth less than. Seriously, Steve, these kind of people are only ever in our lives temporarily, so they don't last. Sit back, relax, enjoy the show. When inevitably you're at a family function years from now and her children can't even remember her name or recognize her photo. Take solace, buddy.

And knowing that while not everyone dies alone, she certainly will. All right. And on that note, I'm pretty sure we all need to check the legal status of all the shit we've set up to this point. So let's head over to the law offices of P. Andrew Torres Esquire. So, fuck you, little Nino. You know, Antonin Scalia is dead, but he's not dead enough. I mean, if he were in the pet cemetery, I'd still piss on his grave,

even though I'd have to dodge zombie cats to get there. And, you know, I get that this roast isn't funny by Noah, Heath, and Eli standards. But guess what? I'm not funny. And neither was Antonin Scalia. But the difference is that little Nino thought he was funny. Well, guess who gets the last laugh, asshole? Thanks to your hilarious, sarcastic dissent in Lawrence v. Texas,

we got nationwide gay marriage in Obergefell. So how's that for pissing on your grave, you bigoted fuck? Finally tonight, we all wanted to send a huge thank you to Sarah, who donated $2,000 for us to roast the governing body of the Jehovah's Witnesses. That makes her the number one donor of the fundraiser so far.

Damn it, that was a beautiful gift. We need some kick-ass tunes from the one and only Anna Bosnick. So Anna, one for the J-dubs. Knock, knock, who's there? Don't do what they says or does. Knock, knock, who's there? It's the Jehovah's Witnesses. Knock, knock, who's there? It's the late guy Pierce. Looked like to jelly donut made entirely of ears.

And with him we have David Slane, who looks like a sheep on Novocaine. There ran their congregations like two power-drunk cashiers. Next we have Jeffrey Jackson and, of course, Mark Sanderson. They look like two potato heads melted into one. They covered up for child abuse because, and this is their excuse, they didn't want to embarrass the men of the congregation. Knock, knock, who's there?

Don't do what they says or does. Knock, knock, who's there? Don't do what they says or does. Knock, knock, who's there? It's the Jehovah's Witnesses. Knock, knock, who's there? Look, it's Garrett Losh. Looks like a high school principal turned into a butternut squash. Next we have Samuel Heard. Looks like the facial composite was heard.

And drew an angry guinea pig and spectacles and a mustache. Next is Stephen Lett and Anthony Morris III, look like two giant vassals trying to pinch out a difficult turd. They say tight pants will rob you of poison, gay designers corrupt little boys, and keep kids out of college so that they will be one of the herd.

Knock, knock, who's there? Don't do what they says or does. Knock, knock, who's there? It's the Jehovah's Witnesses. It's the Jehovah's Witnesses. Thank you, Anna. Amazing as always. And that's going to do it for this edition of Vulgarity for Charity. But if you haven't heard your insult, don't worry. It's still coming. We've got another segment coming up on Cogdiss next week and plenty more time in the fundraiser. So keep those donations rolling in. You'll find a link to more details in the show notes or at ScathingAtheist.com.

Tom, Cecil, can't thank you enough, guys. Thanks for having us. Before we retreat to the shadows this week, I want to let you know that if you can't get enough me in your life, you can catch me on not one, but two episodes of Philosophers in Space. It's a podcast where they break down the philosophical concepts and different works of science fiction. We spent

a couple of episodes talking about one of my all-time favorite books, Snow Crash, by Neal Stephenson. If you want to check that out, you'll find a link in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday,

and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. I also want to toss out a thanks and an apology to Tom and Cecil. Thanks, obviously, for being here and being part of the charity drive, and apologies for not introducing you guys. We were recording two segments. It was super late at night. One was for their show.

One was for ours. It was crazy busy. And then after we got done recording at like 1 a.m., Eli was like, hey, Noah, I don't think you ever introduced Tom and Cecil. And he was right. So sorry about that, guys. And sorry about that, listeners, who were surprised by the sudden appearance of Tom and Cecil as though they'd just been lurking in the back of our studio this whole time. I also want to thank Yvette, Andrew, and Thomas for being part of the festivities tonight. You'll find their shows linked on the show notes as well.

Obviously, I also need to thank Heath Enright for bringing the burn. I need to thank Eli Bosning for keeping his insults within the legal parameters that Andrew said. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusion. We had to bump Twim this week to make room for all the generosity of our listeners, but she will be back next week. I also want to thank our Dungeon Master from the Free World 5 podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. You'll find his podcast linked on the rather busy show notes this week. But most of all, of course, I need to thank all the people who are tied with the vulgarity for charity donors for best people this week. Matthew Sterling, Amelia Helio Plump, Liam, Michael, Kevin and James, Tyson, Jonathan, Sarah, Benjamin, James, Nathan, and One Nation under no illusions.

Matthew Sterling, Amelia, Heliopump, and Liam, whose IQs have more digits than all but the hardest Sudokus. Michael, Kevin, and James, Tyson, and Jonathan, whose cocks are so big the Fremen of Arrakis look for spice where they've been. And Sarah, Benjamin, James, Nathan, and One Nation, whose ninjutsu is so fast their fists are younger than their shoulders. is so fast their fists are younger than their shoulders. Together these 14 formidable fornicators forfeited some fortune for our foreboding forewarnings this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money

and if they do they should probably donate it to Vulgarity for Charity or do that and make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode or make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. All legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim

Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. this is scathing the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2018 all rights reserved