The Scathing Atheist - 301: Kids' Table Edition

Episode Date: November 22, 2018

In this week’s episode, we yell all the things you wish you could yell around the Thanksgiving table, Pat Robertson's face traps a mosquito and a Spicy Cheeto for the scientists of the future, and we’ll crack open Case for Christ just so you can be thankful you didn’t. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Bad magician turns out to be christian https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/04/atheist-group-calls-for-investigation-after-il-schools-religious-revival-event/ Matthew Whitaker thinks judges need “Biblical view” of justice: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/trumps-pick-to-replace-sessions-thinks-judges-need-a-biblical-view-of-justice/ Orthodox Jewish parents sue school to force admission of unvaccinated kids: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/03/orthodox-jewish-parents-sue-school-to-force-admission-of-unvaccinated-child/ Losing assed Loser Kim Davis to pursue a Christian ministry: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/10/after-election-loss-anti-gay-ky-clerk-kim-davis-will-pursue-christian-ministry/ “Ex-gay” therapist who promotes conversion therapy found on gay dating apps: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/ex-gay-therapist-who-pushes-conversion-therapy-found-on-gay-dating-apps/ Parents form prayer circle over gay stage kiss in Shakespeare play for high schoolers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/12/parents-formed-prayer-circle-over-gay-stage-kiss-in-play-for-high-schoolers/ P-Robes to non-profit leader: Pray with volunteers whether they like it or not: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/08/pat-robertson-tells-non-profit-leader-to-pray-with-her-uncomfortable-volunteers/

Warning, the profanity starts in three, two, fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Robin Hood. And by not punching that family member right in their mouth. Hey, hey, you can do it. You can do it. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Nicholas Cage, and I literally say yes to every film I'm ever offered. But despite starring in the straight-to-DVD rapture-based travesty Left Behind,

I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Monkey Man. It's Thursday. It's Thanksgiving in the U.S. And I'm thankful to be an atheist. Wrong show. They don't own gratitude, Heath. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Trailer Ham, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we yell the things you wish you could right now. On this week's episode, we yell the things you wish you could right now. Pat Robertson's face traps a mosquito and a spicy Cheeto for the scientists of the future. And we'll crack open Case for Christ just so you can be thankful that you didn't. But first, the diatribe i felt it was pretty obvious what it should be about right i mean of all the holidays we've got it's the biggest one that doesn't have a Jesus tie in. It's sort of a proof of concept that you can have the holiday without the holy. So I did a diatribe about how great it was to see my country coming together for a national secular holiday. I talked about how, you know, maybe non-exclusionary holidays were the way to go.

And in response to that diatribe, I got a few different emails from confused listeners and at least one angry one who were shocked at my gross mislabeling of Thanksgiving. They insisted that it was far from a secular holiday and that suggesting that it was amounted to revisionist history. So I emailed back and forth with them trying to keep my da fuck you talking about as polite as possible. I mean, because to me, it was a no brainer. Right. Thanksgiving doesn't commemorate any religious moment. about as polite as possible. I mean, because to me, it was a no-brainer, right? Thanksgiving doesn't commemorate any religious moment. It's not somebody's birth or death or rebirth. The mythology around it isn't religious in nature. Hell, even Linus can get to a Thanksgiving special without preaching to us. But here I had a handful of seemingly smart and thoughtful people vehemently

disagreeing. See, in their childhood homes, Thanksgiving was every bit as religious as Easter or Christmas. There were special Wednesday night services. You said an elaborate prayer before and after the meal. It was sold to them as a day set aside to be thankful for the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross. And the history of Thanksgiving at least kind of backs them up here. I mean, it's a complex history and nobody's 100% sure where it comes from, but very clearly for large spans of our nation's history, it was a tradition almost entirely propagated by the church. It sort of got nationalized by force during the Civil War,

but even then it was proclaimed as a day to ask God to be nice to all the new widows and shit. Now, that being said, I'd still argue that it's a secular holiday, but I have to admit that the borders are fuzzy, not because these things are especially hard to define, but because one side of the argument is actively invading the other. Thanksgiving is secular, but only because we won't let Christianity have it. I mean, you got to imagine that the argument I was having with those listeners

played out at some point way back in the day about Christmas or Easter, right? Some dude said, you know what I love about Yule time is that we can set aside all our religious differences and just enjoy a nice secular celebration. And some other dude said, the fuck you talking about? We're celebrating Jesus' birth here. And the other guy said that wouldn't even make any sense based on his birth narrative in the Bible. And the other guy said, burn that heretic. Same thing almost certainly happened with Easter. I mean, conditioned as we are to a world where religion is a thing that has its very own magisteria. When we hear that Easter and Christmas have pagan roots, we think about that in religious terms. It was a religious holiday that this other religion called paganism originally had.

And then this religion called Christianity took it. But that's not the right way to look at it. Through most of human history, they didn't separate out religion from the secular parts of their culture. Religion wasn't as codified as it is now, and you didn't have fucking monotheists running around making it such a pain in the ass for everybody else. So religion and culture just blended into a singular thing. I mean, I'm sure if you ask some individual pagan about their religion, they could give you very specific shit, probably a lot more specific than what the average Christian can give you today, but it wouldn't be uniform. And paganism was just a blanket term for all the people with religions that didn't start in the Middle East.

So it's not like there was some centralized temple of paganism that was laying down these various celebrations. Which means that the winter and spring celebrations that eventually became Christmas and Easter weren't the creation or the property of some religion back in the day. They were the property of some culture. And not even one particular culture. Even today, Christians celebrate Christmas in wildly different ways from one Christian country to the next. Imagine how much more diverse the celebrations would have been in a largely tribal world with no mass communication. And then along comes monotheism, that asshole friend that has to make everything about them and starts laying claim to the day itself and saying, yeah, just so happens our Lord and Savior already had dibs on those ancient celebrations. So now they're Christian

and they're still doing it today, just less effectively since we took away their burning at the stake privileges. If Thanksgiving didn't have such recent historical origins, you can bet your ass the Catholics would have laid claim to it and said that that was the day the angel appeared to Joseph for that awkward cuckold talk or something. So they do the next best thing. They ingrain the idea that it already is a religious holiday to such a profound degree that even atheists who have rejected their dogma so thoroughly, they entertain themselves with atheist podcasts, hear somebody say Thanksgiving is a secular holiday, and feel the need to send in a correction. It doesn't matter if religion didn't mix the flour

or knead the dough or bake the bread. It's their goddamn loaf. And to say otherwise is to deprive them of their rightful property. But by and large, I think Thanksgiving is safe from them. I think we've got our atheistic claws deep enough into it to insulate it from the church. And they've had a lot of trouble winning arguments since they lost the ability to kill the people that disagreed with them. And in that sense, one might even look at this holiday, at least in American terms, as something of a cultural Stalingrad. They've used and continue to use the same tactics that worked so well for them when they invaded Christmas and Easter, and there was only a token force there to defend them.

But by the time they reached Thanksgiving, they were stretched thin, they were tired, they were depleted of resources, and we had the will to fight back until they turned around. And that's fair, right? It's fair the will to fight back until they turned around and that's fair right it's fair for us to fight our collective culture built this goddamn thing and it's a pretty good thing it's got food and parades and hand silhouette turkeys it's what happens when you tell a cultural hey this is a day that's special sort it out and then just let cultural evolution have it say it's a patchwork holiday that better encapsulates america's patchwork culture than any celebration handed down from on high by a central church could ever hope to be and it's still ours and for that i'm thankful they're talking about you jesus

joining me for headlines tonight aren't heath enright and eli bosnick because they're out of town for the holidays. Fellas, are you ready to have done headlines already? Yeah, I made a few fun predictions here just in case. Trump said, what? I don't know if the atheist community will ever get over this feud. Heath is dead. So, yeah, just fill those in.

I'd like to. All right. Well, there you go. And on that depressing note, we'll join the gently used headlines already in progress to make the sound of pac-man when you die i do okay yeah good to know and in very bad wizard news tonight the students of west middle school in moline illinois followed in the disappointed footsteps of so many children this week when they attended a performance by illusionist Zach Mirzada. Rabbits were pulled from hats.

Leather jackets were worn by someone who had no business wearing them. And then at the end of the show, students were invited back that evening with their parents for a special bonus performance that promised, quote, more magic, free prizes, and food, end quote. And yet, to their horror, when students arrived, they encountered the only thing worse than a magic show. Another magic show? A second magic show? Close.

Close. A second Christian magic show. second magic show close same day close a second christian magic show hey still where did the where did the thoughts and prayers come from yeah no i've been saying for years there was no way to make the linking ring routine worse because i never considered they could represent the father the son and the holy ghost you know he did that oh indeed and you never saw a man who only has use of one of his arms because he had a stroke perform it according to that theme like i did at a magic convention three years ago so yes instead of the dated comedy and obviously store-bought magic these children were expecting

marzotta told the audience about his conversion from Islam to Christianity, asked them to raise their hand if they accepted Jesus during his performance, and my favorite, at the end, held an altar call to celebrate people's spiritual birthday. He pulls a quarter from behind the kid's ear, puts it in the collection plate gross and for my next trick i'll walk through this solid wall of separation yeah exactly so uh this did take place in a middle school so the ffrf has written the school

district a hey maybe you find a magician who doesn't think magic is a real letter. But to be fair to the school district, Christians do this sneaky shit all the time under guise of popular entertainment. In fact, they do it so often, this is true, that in the few unfortunate mistaken times a school has booked me to perform for children, I've had multiple people ask me some version of,

hey, are you going to try to trick the kids into switching religion? Yep. Yeah, been there. And in Vax Fifth Avenue news, a school in New York got roped into a legal battle last week after they refused to let a four-year-old boy with no vaccinations come into their building full of kids who don't want to die of the rickets. The perfect crime. And it turns out there's actually a measles outbreak happening right now.

So the school has a very strict no-plague policy. I feel like that's fair. It's sad that there are gradients of strictness there, though, right? It shouldn't have to be no so uh in response to this the anti-vaxxer parents filed a lawsuit arguing i guess there needs to be some reasonable amount of plagues allowed inside the school a reasonable about it especially considering their sincerely held religious belief about minimum plague standards or whatever the fuck they're trying to say. Cool. I feel like this lawsuit gets solved by everyone just tapping out, right?

Like they show up and everyone's just like, you know what? Tapping out. Nope. Nope. And away. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Yeah. So the parents took it to court and asked for a preliminary injunction, which is fucking crazy. A preliminary injunction, if it were granted, would force the school to admit little typhoid Jerry and let him rub his puss-filled boils all over the other kids while the legal battle gets decided,

which could take months or possibly years. We don't know. Fortunately, the court decided that spreading disease all over the fucking place was a bigger problem than one kid having to learn nap time at home. He's four years old.

Go fuck yourself. So they denied the injunction. But the case is still moving forward. So we're still going to hear about this. Yeah, no, the school is being asked by the court to justify their current vaccination policy. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you could get there in three words your honor mortality right seven if you count i rest my case a little behind the

scenes for everybody here i counted those words got six nope uh let me finish wrote six question mark in the margins to which noah replied seven to which i recounted and wrote seven just in case you're wondering what our writing process is like here at the scathing atheist there's um us teaching you to count that's kind of yeah that's yeah a lot of our writing counting numbers between one and ten yeah so here's where it gets interesting. The school in question is a pro-vaccine Orthodox Jewish school, but the parents are anti-vaccine Orthodox Jewish people. So apparently there's some sort of dispute over which part of the Torah is more important, the part that says vaccines aren't kosher,

or the part that says you shouldn't let shitloads of innocent kids get murdered by stupid so tough call that i mean i don't know how they're gonna that's why you have rabbis i guess sort out those difficult questions like that one all right another behind the scenes at first i read that as that's why you have rabies i guess and in context it still made perfect sense sad when you just sub those two out yes so apparently the bigger issue of a school's right to have a vaccination policy is still up for debate somehow and depending on how that goes we might get to find out what happens when the unstoppable force religion meets the immovable object. Also religion.

Usually the answer is preventable death. Yeah. In this case of kids. Hopefully that changes, but I am not holding my breath. Well, except when you enter schools filled with airborne Spanish flu. But other than that, I don't want to be this guy, but I could win this argument in an afternoon if they'll let me give the vaccines away for free. I know my people. I know how to solve these things.

Yeah. So regardless of how the court battle turns out, the way this particular school handles this issue makes me very happy. Their policy is vaccinations are required, but you can request an exemption based on your religious beliefs so these anti-vaxxer parents were like oh okay can we get that exemption we're jewish and the school was like no we're jewish not a good system but at least this one school is doing it right so yeah they're like no you can request an exemption yeah you can. Request it again. No, this is fun. This is fun. Ask again if you can have an exemption. No. Go crazy.

You can't use them up. Before you say anything, no. And in putting the AG back in red flag news tonight, I want to take a quick minute to remind you that there's more wrong with acting attorney general at the time of this recording, fingers crossed, Matthew Whitaker, than just the fact that he's an unqualified, prejudiced sycophant that got his job by promising not to do it.

He's also a theocratic bigot. I mean, I feel like he mentioned that somewhere in the job interview. Like, there was a moment where he was like, wait, wait, and? And I'm a theocratic bigot.

Oh, cool. I also noticed under special skills, well, it just says magic comma leviticus so if you promise to never do magic you're hired just like when we interviewed eli so among the exceedingly long list of things whitaker has failed at in his life is a 2014 senatorial campaign in iowa which he actually pre-failed by taking fourth place in a primary behind the likes of sam you're gonna finish that clovis but during that campaign i miss sam clovis i want him to stay there i want him to say stuff though

yeah right in charge of a health thing? Isn't he? He is the agriculture department meeting us at a house and home. Anyway, so during that campaign, Whitaker did go on the record stating that he would only support federal judges that had a biblical view of the law. When asked at a primary debate how he would assess potential judges, he said, quote, I'd like to see things like their worldview. What informs them? Are they people of faith do they have a biblical view of justice if they have a secular worldview where this is all we have here on earth then i'm going to be very concerned about that judge end quote just standing beside some guy twirling his finger by his ear sorry mr i don't believe in a sky demon that will punish me for thoughts

i don't think you're right for the job all right so at the time whittaker's campaign responded to reminders that religious tests for office are expressly forbidden by the constitution with a statement that read in part can you hear anybody because i don't hear anybody i don't hear anybody and by the way if you're thinking that biblical view might mean he's at least okay with a a jew judge no no there's no way no no when he started talking about biblical views of justice the moderator at this christian zealot theocrat debate asked for clarification by asking quote levitical or new end quote. There was a hand gesture. You know there was a hand gesture. Yeah, right.

Either it means he was literally asking a Senate candidate if they would support judges who called for the stoning to death of sexually active teenagers, or he was just using Christian supremacist code words for you don't mean Jews now, do you? And he did not mean Jews. He responded without hesitation. No, no, no. He was talking about the completed biblical worldview. Yeah, 100 percent. All the way evolved.

Charizard. He also added, I guess you could say I'm unqualified for a job as attorney general. And it's super important. Everybody knows that. Not sure why I'm mentioning it right now. And then he turned to camera and listed our names like one of those weird 3D movies they tried in the 90s. And in county smirk news tonight, loser and mental image of Ted Nugent's mom, former county clerk Kim Davis, has got a new job already lined up after being soundly and roundly defeated in her bid for re-election this week.

That's right. She's going to be a Christian. Oh, damn it. Damn it. I had 400 bucks on mashed potato sculpture of Devil's Tower for the Close Encounters remake. God damn it. Yeah.

I had start a giant blue t-shirt endowment or smash James Caan's ankles with a hammer. I feel like I'm still in the running though right no that's true doesn't preclude those james is on vacation we can make it happen so according to her attorney matt staver of liberty council who appeared on the show crosstalk this week davis who achieved national fame for not doing her job never wanted to be re-elected anyway so it doesn't even count even if she did she's gonna go hang out with her best friend jesus so there sun was in her eyes it's cool yeah yeah so here's the slightly less exaggerated than what i just did quote kim did not campaign interestingly kim just focused on doing her job well to be fair

that takes more focus for her than for most yeah she ran a very unconventional campaign she didn't do official fundraisers yeah she didn't go out and beat the bushes she's somebody who's not your typical politician she spent her waking hours really working on her job, end quote. I love that she didn't do official fundraisers, right? I guess evenings and weekends at the glory hole off exit 137 are unofficial. It doesn't sound like soft money. She's behind a wall. Is this blowjob tax deductible no talk about

modest needs so then after saying that her opponent probably won't do a good job because he's willing to do it staver added quote frankly i think what she's gonna do and where she's been wanting to go is into some form of ministry that's where the lord is leading her this time okay okay but keep in mind that the last place that the lord led her was jail right i mean she needs to stop following that dude is what i'm saying yeah uh in related news davis has said that if she is assigned to a ministry she she'll immediately convert to Islam so she can get right on not doing that job as well. And in

ex-ex-gay news tonight, we have a rather rare treat on today's show. These only come up once in a while. It's a story about a super religious person who got caught having consensual sex with other adults.

Oh, congratulations, religion. You are bound to fuck right eventually. Broken cock twice a day. Now, Noah, before you get too excited, the subject of today's story, Orthodox Jew Norman Goldwasser, who was caught on a variety of gay hookup acts, soliciting sex currently serves as the clinical director of horizon psychological services in Miami beach. I hope you hear the air quotes there because he claims to be an ex gay and promotes conversion therapy.

Oh, wow. Just given super clumsy toothy blowjobs and rubbing guys' dicks on his stubble really hard. Just like gross, right? Men are gross. That is going to take a while to heal, by the way. That is raw. Maybe stick with ladies. Just probably better. Here's your bill, by the way. Yeah. So in sort of a anti-advertisement for the whole sexuality changing side of his brand, Goldwasser was exposed by a former patient who had been propositioned by him on

Manhunt and Grinder under the pseudonym Hot and Hairy 72. Oh, God. Now, the accounts have been disabled and Goldwasser has yet to give a statement. Either way, I think the old expression about the cobbler's kids going shoeless takes on a whole new meaning here. Something we need to... Still, you get exposed by your own patient like that,

you got to wonder what that would be like. What that would be like. Hey, are you pretty boy 16? Yeah. Are you... Hot and hairy to. Are you hot and hairy 76? You bet. All right. Let's get rubbing our butts together or whatever gay guys do.

No, that's not what gay sex is. Weird how you would describe that. No, I was going to ask you. I'm pretty sure. Are you Norman Goldwasser? Who? Yeah. Who's that? Are you Norman Goldwasser? Who? Who's that? Dr. Norman Goldwasser.

You were my gay conversion therapist. I'm Josh, remember? Oh, was I? Yeah. So, how's it going? The not being gay thing? Not great. Not great. Not great.

But it seems like it's not going great for you either. Oh, me? No. This right here was a test. And I'm sorry to tell you, Josh, you failed. Bad.

Oh, this was a test from you. So, you failed. Bad. Oh, this was a test. Yep. Test. From you. So you posted naked pictures of yourself on Grindr as a test. Yep. Really care about you crazy kids. That's, come here.

Okay, don't touch though. All right. Don't touch. Well, my work here is done. I'm just going to take off these chaps, which are always ashless. I don't know if you know that, but the term ashless is redundant when you talk about chaps. And I'll be headed on my way. Great.

And your dildo? Death dildo. Yep. I'll take that too. Don't touch me. And we're back next up in headlines. Christian parents in Bakersville, North Carolina. That's right.

It's time for another Christian Freakout, Anna. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian Freakout. Yeah, so the Christian parents in Bakersville, North Carolina did exactly what you'd assume. They had a meltdown last week after a local theater company performed a Shakespeare review at the town's public high school. Apparently, there was way too much secular material, like drinking alcohol, incest, and suicide. None of which is found in the Bible. So, I didn't like that.

Okay, to be fair, most of the incest in Shakespeare is in the histories, and the man's just recording what happened. You can't blame the bard. Really, though. But yeah, apparently they sent to the church a letter that says, yeah, we were going to do something from your book, but that stuff is illegal to even pretend you're doing.

So, you know, had to go with the greatest writer in the history of any language that there is sorry sorry team of writers but yeah so the response this town of kill you 464 people went with was to wish away the evil by forming a prayer circle which could only be distinguished from the checkout line at Walmart based on the circular shape. Yeah, that'll do a great picture. It's just a sloppy blend of non-ironic camouflage and diabetic cankles and jazz scooters with gun racks and trailer hitch testicles on the back. It's not great.

Also, they're liars, by the way. The local news station was told that the prayer circle was all about the secular material. But apparently, it was about hating gay people. There was a stage kiss between two male cast members, and that's why everyone panicked. They even started a petition to ban any material that would, quote, started a petition to ban any material that would quote promote homosexuality incest suicide or any other sick space that would be contrary to life end quote what okay i mean say what you want about incest hey what if you stop talking but right But it is not contrary to life. Let's just be fair, though.

It was suspicious immediately when we said, like, all of a sudden, North Carolina has an issue with incest. Not buying it, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Now, normally, when you hear a headline like this, you assume it was just some ignorant parents who were like boo gay acting's gay but this time they were like boo literally homosexual acting is literally homosexual the entire concept theater is very confusing to me sexually but also in general i don't understand acting. We can't have our kids learning about gay people and alcohol and suicide. That's crazy.

We want them learning about Jesus who wandered the desert with his all-male entourage and did wine magic. And how he killed himself in order to... Fuck. I thought I had a good rant. Whatever. Shakespeare's gay. This is gay. I mean, there is some evidence to suggest that yeah really i didn't know that yeah in the first folio it's originally uh to be or not to be that is the question

yeah and in prape news tonight pastor pastor, TV host, and the owner of the first ever set of windswept jowls, Pat Robertson, was asked on his show The 700 Club this week by the owner of a non-profit what to do about those pesky employees who are uncomfortable when she

prays to Jesus at their monthly meetings. And his answer was, I'm going to say, expect it. Okay. Okay. I got this. Was it, I'm melting. I'm melting. Please lick around the bottom of my face like an ice cream cone. I'm melting. No, no, no. It was a brief glimpse of self-awareness where he just cried out. It should have been me, Stan. Oh, both good. But no, with all the determination of a YouTube freeman on the land who is definitely about to get tased, Robertson insisted he was not hurting anybody and demanded that the listeners stick to her Jesus-filled guns because he's sick and tired of being told he's the only

asshole. Damn it. Right? No. Yeah. One asshole is just an asshole, but if they all asshole together, it's Alabama.

Yeah. So here's the exact quote, quote, if you're a nonprofit, you can do what you want to do. End quote. Uh, are we sure about that?

Cause V for C is a charity event. I have some things. Nope. Nope. Okay, thought so. Just checking. Throwing it out there. He continues,

and if you don't give glory to God, he'll take away his blessing. All right, cool. Thanks, Pat. Thanks for your advice. Allah Akbar. Fuck, wait. Wait, wait.

Ah, shit. A whole scoop fell off that time. Oh. I should cry, I cannot move quickly. Next to Pat Robertson's head on a sidewalk. Finally, he added, don't stop talking about Jesus, whatever you do, all right?

End quote. Though at the time of the recording, it was unclear if that was advice to his listener or him externalizing the voice in his head. Either way, he continues to be the worst. And that's saying something on our show. It really is. Yeah, I mean, at this point,

just making us wait to use that obituary is becoming rude. Yeah, it's dusty. It's got a bunch of old jokes. And while we patiently await Pat Robertson's demise. It's got a bunch of old jokes. And while we patiently await Pat Robertson's demise, we'll close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Do manji. And when we come back, we'll take a break from roasting mere

mortals and get back to fucking with Jesus. Hey, podcast listener, did you make the mistake of getting excited about yet another Robin Hey, podcast listener. Did you make the mistake of getting excited about yet another Robin Hood movie, even though Hollywood hasn't made a good one since 1938, unless you count the Disney one, just to see that this one has a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes and is being described by critics as blundering, ugly, and strobing between boredom and absurdity? Well, then why not try a Robinhood that doesn't suck?

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No, I'm sorry. Robinhood, investing for the rest of us. Hey, podcast listeners. We know that today many of you will have a meaningful glance turned your way as you're asked to say grace and moments like this can be damned confounding. So without further ado,

a few suggestions for your holiday table. Dear Lord, thank you for not providing enough food for the starving Africans. Nobody likes a fatty. Dear Lord, we take a moment to bow our heads as we wear mixed fibers, our genitals still covered in the juices of premarital sex and sodomy. To thank you for blessing this mixed milk and meat. Wish you were super clear about us not eating. All deep in the knowledge that there are Canaanite babies out there somewhere with heads unsmashed. Dear Lord, I want to fuck. And that's it. Two jokes. Rule of twos, everybody. Everybody loves the rule of twos.

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. You know, there are a lot of great things about doing vulgarity for charity. We raise money for people in need. We unite our community in the inner warmth of generosity. We insult people who really deserve it. But perhaps best of all, we get to postpone this scheduled case for Christ segment for like at least a couple of weeks. We didn't have to read it at all. But now and $60,000 for people who need it and counting and 60 grand.

As of you hearing this question, if we make 100 hundred thousand, can we stop reading these books, please? No, because then there's all the more reason that we have to do it again next year. And joining us in our procrastination was my lovely wife, Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, good to have you back. You tricked me into marrying you. I shouldn't be talking about this shit. No, I'm surprised it took you this long to figure that out. All right.

Well, I'll tell you what, we put this off as long as we could. It's time to dive into the third and final section of the case for Christ, researching the resurrection. Don't know what he's been doing up till now, but we're going to start with chapter 11. The medical evidence. Was Jesus's death a sham and his resurrection a hoax? Those are two separate propositions, by the way.

Was Jesus's death a sham and his resurrection a hoax? Those are two separate propositions, by the way. Yes, no, let's go home. And this time around, the subject of his gay porn fanfic intro is Dr. Robert J. Stein, one of the world's foremost forensic pathologists. OK, this dude has a plaque on his wall that says, let conversation cease. Let laughter flee. This is the place where death delights to help the living dude there's love in your work and there's being very obviously the killer at the beginning of a law and order episode i don't know yeah and apparently this guy robert stein is so fucking good at being a medical examiner his His testimony got serial killer John Wayne Gacy convicted.

Yep. They found 26 bodies in his house. Yes. And then Bobby Stein was like, yup, corpses. I am the best in the world at this. This one got stabbed at an angle of, nope, you're done.

You're done. I don't even know why we brought you here. You definitely killed him. All right. So now that Leah's knocked off all the objections of atheists, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Jains, et cetera, it's time to take on that last bastion of doubters, Christians who think the resurrection was just a magic trick, though. It's our last argument.

I really hope it works. That is all we have left. Well, he opens up the argument against this by saying, you know who else doesn't believe Jesus died on the cross? Muslims. You're like a Muslim. Yeah. You know who did believe in Jesus?

John Wayne Gacy. Okay, but what angle? You know who did believe in Jesus? John Wayne Gacy. Yeah. Okay, but what angle were the... You know what? We'll talk about it later. And I love how his point here is like, look, obviously Muslims don't know shit about tits. So we're dealing with the real skeptics here. Right.

People who don't believe in magic? No. No. People who think he fainted. Those are the real skeptics, according to me, Lee Strobel. Now, I should say, though, that this is a conspiracy theory that goes around quite a bit in the pseudo-Christian coexist cults, right? Like the idea that Jesus just fainted on the cross and then woke up in the tomb thinking, man, this is going to freak Thomas right the fuck out here. gonna freak thomas right the fuck out here yeah apparently some doubters tried to quote explain away the resurrection and okay first of all fuck you that's the dumbest phrase ever

you don't have to explain away resurrections anyway they tried to explain away the resurrection by saying that jesus only fainted from exhaustion on the cross and that he had been later revived by the cool, damp air of the tomb. End quote. So, yeah, good work, Lee Strobel. I was about to ask, what if Jesus got nailed through his hands and feet and then got the vapors? Maybe just swooned at a handsome Roman soldier and then got mouth to mouth from cave air this has not been addressed it's a good chapter it's a good chapter good stuff the very foundation of my atheism is that christ of nazareth was actually a possum but but even lee admits that nobody takes it seriously

here he's like look this is the first time the academics are on my side in this entire fucking book so let me revel in it for a minute right it's right and by the way you remember that foremost pathologist guy he is not the interview in this chapter nope right lee was just like i guess in his office when he wrote that intro apparently because when he finally gets around to introducing the 10th interview uh it's a different dude named alexander mithril md phd yeah and he opens this one up by reflecting on how weird it is to be sitting in some old guy's living room talking to him about beating a jew to death great this iced tea is good this is good all right so let's talk about the Messiah's dick. Was it mutilated or describe it exactly? Because this is our job. Now, Lee explains, though, that he chose this guy because he was so dispassionate because Lee, quote, wanted the facts to speak for themselves without the hyperbole of charged language that might otherwise manipulate emotions end quote this time in in this interview because

the facts actually are on his side for once yeah right but but it doesn't mean that he didn't find a guy with a degree from the university of miami just sitting in his office hey that's cute your diploma has a dolphin sticker on it no no no no, no, no. It is a dolphin sticker. Oh. They just gave you. And by the way, dispassionate doesn't extend all the way to finding a guy who wasn't a Christian. He admits before he's done talking about how silvery his hair is that the guy is already religiously obligated to agree with the book's thesis. Right, right.

to agree with the book's thesis. Right. Right. And apparently, this is the only Christian who can talk about the crucifixion without literally fighting off tears. He's dispassionate, man. It's amazing.

And that makes me happy because it means Lee Strobel was just bawling by the end of this interview. He thinks that's what happens with everybody. Whispering curled up in a corner somewhere.

All right. So now, of course, it's just not a Christian book until you dig into the details of just how tortured Jesus was. So we're going to dive into that for basically the chapter. Well, and in case you were wondering how long it would take for the expert to completely lose your confidence here, he's two paragraphs into the interview before he argues that jesus literally sweat blood the day before the crucifixion like like medically so like yeah but it's apparently blood sweating from psychological stress apparently the son of god just, you know, didn't have the spoons that week. He couldn't even.

Yeah. Sweating blood is a real thing. Apparently is what we learned. It's a condition called hematidrosis. Sure. And honestly, I was just excited to learn about a medical condition I didn't have. Well, there you go. Oh, there it is.

Never mind. There it is. Oh, yeah. He points out that the blood sweating would have made Jesus' skin extra sensitive when he got flogged. So, you know, Jesus didn't just get regular flogged like a wuss, people. He had sensitive skin, a rash. Yeah. And then he goes full torture porn with his description of the whips the Romans used,

using terms like, quote, quivering ribbons of bleeding flesh, ill, and, quote, the bowels of the victim were open to exposure. Bowels open to exposure. Sorry, I'm just customizing a Jesus fuckbot at realdell.com

where you can get delightful fuckbots. Call forward. Actually, no, we're pre-recording this for after that episode comes out. That's right. So it's a callback, callback forward. Right? I said something.

I just said something. If we repeat this and somehow figure out how to call up, up, B-A, start, we will get 30 lives, guys. We can do this. How do we call up? Well, this guy seems obsessed with pointing out minor extra stuff that Jesus suffered through too.

He's constantly going, well, sure, being whipped sucks. But with all that blood loss, imagine how thirsty he was. Oh, my God. Jesus. He actually says that. Yes. And he like really had to pee. Like super bad.

Super bad. Quivering ribbons of flesh. Super duper had to pee. Yeah. bad, super bad, quivering ribbons of flesh, super duper had to pee. Just if we're doing the whole list, you know, one of those things where like your dick feels numb and you have that moment where you're like, Oh,

did I pee myself? It was like that. And again, just a reminder, this chapter is to convince us that Jesus didn't survive in their book. I feel as though I'm being yelled at as I desperately slam my head into walls at Charing Cross looking for platforms at nine and three quarters. All right. But enough of that savage pre beating.

It's time to get to the agony of the cross. Oh, my God. And he starts this off by explaining that he's got no issues with the good capital punishment like we have in the u.s he's like look i love state-sponsored murders as much as the next guy but only if they're sanitary keep that shit clean but most importantly because they have a medical examiner right there in case we murder the messiah again and then pedantic truthers start asking for death certificates again it's bullshit and not that it matters to this story or this chapter but this part's not true there's actually a tremendous amount of evidence that we fucked up

a bunch of execution oh yeah yeah no right right he's just like and then they just go to sleep no timmy it's fine it's time they just go to sleep. No, Timmy, it's fine. It's time they just go to sleep. Right. We actually just drive them upstate to a bar. They can rape and murder all they want. All right. So at this point, Lee's Christian bloodlust really comes to the fore. He's like, tell me more about the size of the nails and shit.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, now tell me. And this is just a little moment, but Strobel's like, wait, I thought he was crucified through his hands.

And it's a nonsense thing, but the doctor's just like, oh, yeah, that, because of the pictures and stuff. He didn't really have the concept of the wrist yet. It was just like hand and then shoulder,

middle head, penis. Don't worry about that obvious contradiction in our book and imagery. Yeah. At one point, Lee's like, tell me how painful. But Captain Trivia literally says, you ever hit your funny bone? It's like that, but worse. He does. He does.

So much. Her owie. Like remember, remember him die hard when Bruce Willis had to cross all that broken glass without his shoes on. He didn't know what he could do about it. So he just did it anyway. He also, there's this weird bit on the etymology of the word excruciating that is hilariously

wrong. Right? Oh my God. It's amazing. He says, you know, that word means out of the cross excruciating that is hilariously wrong. Oh my god, it's amazing. He says, you know, that word means out of the cross, and that's true, basically. But then he goes, think about it. The pain from crucifixion was so bad they needed a whole new word to describe it. But the word excruciating

isn't Latin. I mean, it has Latin origins, but that's an English word that showed up in the 16th century coined by Christians. How foreign. And then there's this other word called excruci-resurrecto-truthical-son-of-God-iating. There's no other way to say this book in one word. There was, and then I just wrote 300 pages because I'm an asshole on top of it. no other way to say this book in one word so there it was and then I just wrote 300 pages

because I'm an asshole on top of it but then right here at the end of this paragraph he undoes all of the hard work because he's like and then they pounded nails through his feet which would also have been bad not sure why I spent so much time on the wrist thing

let me clarify having nails pounded into your body is bad for you. And generally uncomfortable. Right. And then we get to a heading called The Calls of Death, where leaves like, Methrol had been extremely graphic about Jesus' suffering, but not graphic enough, damn it.

Tell me more. Oh, it was so bad I couldn't help but read this part in my Dan Carlin voice. Nine months later than you promised. It was something like that, yeah. Also, by the way, if you were wondering which of the conflicting reports of Christ's last words on the cross were true, it was Luke's version. Oh, good. Yeah. And this is where Metheral explains how Jesus knew he was dying.

Being crucified wasn't a big enough clue, I guess. No. This is how we got the perfect timing on his closing line. Right. He was like, yeah, this feels like I'm getting respiratory acidosis, which means my heartbeat should start getting irregular. Okay, there it is. There it is.

Luke, Luke, write this down. Luke, write this down. Not you, Matthew, Mark, and John. You guys make up something different. Luke, write this down. Okay, three, two, one. Lord, into your hands I commit my spirit, and I'm dead.

Nailed it. Nailed it. Crucified. Nails. Hilarious. That's all for me. All right, so for those of you who didn't grow up around this shit like me, here's what he's explaining.

Apparently, when your arms are above your head, you can only breathe in. So in order to breathe when you're being crucified, you got to, like, scoot your way up the cross like a bear trying to scratch his back on a tree to breathe out and is anyone else just picturing a bunch of guys bobbing up and down like the oompa loompas on the hill he then explains with science why the book has water squirting out of the dead jesus okay of all the things to drill down with

in this silly explanation, Lee goes, hold on, though, hold on. The gospel says it was blood that came out first and then water, but you're saying it would have been water and then blood. This makes no sense. And the doctor's like,

yeah, well, I don't know, ancient Greek, but I'm pretty sure they just put words in any fucking order they felt like it. So don't worry about it. It doesn't matter. There's so much of that excuse in this book. And I love his big clothes where he's like, okay, so at this point, what would Jesus's condition have been? And Mithril's like, dead, man.

In your expert opinion, was he dead? Totally fine and faking it, or body double? Sorry, no, just A or B. The last, I don't even know why I said the last thing. He's Muslim. I wouldn't have, I'm not a Muslim. Then he goes into detail about why breaking somebody's legs would speed up a crucifixion. Right.

This is because Jesus' legs were not broken, just like the prophecy said. Yeah, his bones would be unbroken. Okay, you just spent the last hour explaining how broken his arms would have been because of all the stuff. Jangly. Well, at one point in this exchange, he follows up one of the interviewee's points by writing in, Touche, I thought. change he follows up one of the interviewees points by writing in touche i thought i feel like that sums up lee's entire contribution to this book really you're right you handsome devil you pretty sure this book was written by lee writing phrases like that and damn he's good

and then just you know i'll fill in the rest. I got notes. All right, Lee, come on in. Come on in. So last month you had Touche and Damn He's Good written down. Let's see the new draft. Did you add anything? All right. It just says Amazeballs and Mindblown.

Sorry, not to correct you. It's mind blown. Okay, great. Great. Amazeballs. Here's another check. I'm an atheist. Now, of course, we also learn here that Jesus couldn't have still been alive after they took him off the cross because the Romans were amazing at killing people. And that's true, though.

They were. They were. Cool. Cool. romans were amazing at killing people and that's true though they were they were cool cool so um about the sun going out let me crucify you right now and see if you survive right all right and then lee throws up his hands and he says well shit i'm out of arguments for the atheist side do you have any and and metheral doesn't, by the way. Well, he pretends to have one for a second, though, just so he can just strawman the fuck out. He's like, hold on, hold on.

What if Jesus held his breath? No, no, no. Somebody would have made him laugh. There are zero arguments left for skeptics. QED. We're done. And then Lee goes, and besides, even if he did survive the crucifixion, he'd have probably

been all messed up like, you know, late second act Bruce Willis. He'd have been all fucked up. Also, I have to point this out. Notice how the spear wound keeps getting more and more fatal in Metheral's recounting. Right, okay, so in John, it only says that, quote, one of the soldiers pierced

Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water. End quote. That's all that any of the Gospels say about it. But Metheral says he stabbed him through his lung and his heart, and by the end of it, he literally refers to the spear in the side as, quote, a spear wound to his

chest. If this chapter was any longer, it would have been an adolescent xenomorph that popped out of his fucking body. Yes, because he knows the biggest argument against the Christian religion is, what if Jesus was just the Black Knight from Monty Python? And now, 2,000 years later, we're reading, I'll bite your legs off by Lee Strobel. Lovely.

All right, so then we get a subheading that, you know, bodes real well for a scientific inquiry about the death of Jesus. It says, a question for the heart. And it literally starts with this sentence, quote, convincingly, masterfully, Metheral had established this case beyond a reasonable doubt, end quote. So now that everybody's either a Christian or stupid, we'll proceed. And this section is so mind numbingly corny. Like I expected Strobel to like show us the thumbsup scene from Terminator 2, start cutting onions. No, of course, it's not a Lee Strobel chapter until we sit back and think on what we've done. So we're going to close things off tonight with a couple of his deliberations.

He had four for us this time. Question one. After considering Metheral's account, do you see any validity to the swoon theory? Why or why not? I'm going to go with no. Jesus didn't rub some tussin in the crucifixion. Alright, after considering

Methryl's account, I'm not sure I see any validity in even carrying on in a world filled with humans. How about that? Okay, well, just maybe don't call it the swoon theory. Likeesus went to a beatles concert in the front row and passed out with some girls but yeah regardless nobody thinks jesus was like snore snore snore and then escaped that's not what anybody said no i mean am i comparing it with the

man god rose from the dead theory because i don't believe either of them but there's one i don't believe harder right well that's the thing yeah exactly like as bad as this theory is it's still better than the one christians sell all right question two for two millennia the cross has been a symbol for christians now that you've read methorel's testimony how might your own view of that symbol be different in the future? I'll imagine myself cramming it down the throat of a bloviating forensic pathologist

in Southern California, maybe? Well, I'm noticeably more sexually attracted to Christian people now. Good note. What I learned from this chapter is that they should be wearing it driven through their funny bone for accuracy come on right

you owe me I'm reading that question like yeah I never knew they hung a dude on that thing totally different ball game now I guess like we knew what the thing was okay question three would you be willing to suffer for the sake of another person for whom and why what would

it take to motivate you to endure torture in the sake of another person for whom and why what would it take to motivate you to endure torture in the place of someone else uh no i don't i don't like labels i mean i showed up for this segment again and i'm fucking tortured all the time yeah i mean i'm looking at this i'm like yeah it would take a lot i mean you know maybe if my dad was omnipotent and created a torture dimension for people who didn't love him enough and i could give all the humans in the world and then the future of the world a chance to not get stuck there for eternity then it would be a no-brainer but like in most circumstances that would be a hard question yeah but like the problem is it's not that hard because

i absolutely would and it defeats their religion like i would get crucified instead of my wife and as my internet history proves i am very much not the son of god so kind of wrecks the whole conceit doesn't it all right so then we get question four how would you react to the soldiers that were abusing humiliating and torturing you as they did jesus what could possibly account for jesus's reaction which was to utter in the midst of his agony father forgive them again according to one of the gospels and not the other and i'm just going to start off by saying that anyone who has ever been through airport security with me already knows exactly how I'd react to those Roman soldiers. Yeah, I mean, I definitely wouldn't forgive them, but my roasts from the cross, oh, they would have killed.

I love how much of this book is just Lee Strobel going, I mean, other than severe mental illness in a time when people thought that was caused by demons, what could possibly explain this? I don't know. Oh, look at this. My bowels are inside out. I look like Matthew after that night I did the wine trick. I look like no illusions after going

through airport security, right? Alright, so that's going to do it for chapter 11 only four more to go and we'll be back in a few weeks to make that three heath lucinda eli thanks as always guys 60 000 for charity before we kick back on the couch for our pre-pie nap, I wanted to thank everybody who chipped in to make Vulgarity for Charity such a resounding success this year. I'm actually recording this outro before the fundraiser ends, so I can't drop the final sum on you yet. But suffice to say, it was huge.

We smashed through all our previous records. We more than doubled the amount raised last time, and we made a lot of people's lives better. Now, the fundraiser part is over, but there are still a lot of insults to get to so if you haven't heard yours yet don't worry we haven't forgotten you anyway that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m eastern time on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this would

be the worst possible day to neglect to thank people, so huge thanks to Heath Enright for busting his ass to make sure we could get all the vulgarity for charity stuff done and still have time off for the holiday. I need to thank Eli Bosnick, who also busted Heath's ass to make that happen. I want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for something ass-related too, but I don't need to spell it out here. I also want to thank Tom, Cecil, the Sci-Babe, Andrew Thomas, Seth Andrews, Mark and Dan, and everybody who donated time or money to make Vulgarity for Charity happen. I also want to thank Nick Cage for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Turns out he does voiceovers too for a dollar. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Michael,

David, Stephen, Brandon, Stuart, Andrew, Adam, and Todd. Michael, David, and Stephen, whose dicks are so long they're a parade even when they walk alone. Brandon, Stuart, and Adam, Brandon Stewart, Andrew, Adam, and Todd. Michael, David, and Steven, whose dicks are so long they're a parade even when they walk alone. Brandon, Stewart, and Adam, whose erections give Plymouth Rock rigidity envy. And Andrew and Todd, who are so sexy that when they stuff a turkey, it comes. Together these eight amiable atheists aided our aim to alienate the amoral Abrahamic

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And count. And count. and count and count yeah this is we're doing this when you're listening to this it's way higher yeah the preceding podcast

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