The Scathing Atheist - 302: Vulgaritable Edition (and a half)

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

On this week's special extra length episode, we reveal just how much good got done without god, our google alert about "Gwyneth Paltrow news" sent a singing telegram with a 30-piece drumline, and Tom and Cecil will be here to get vulgaritable one more time. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out Opening Arguments here: https://openargs.com/ Check out Cognitive Dissonance here: http://dissonancepod.com/ Check out How to Heretic here: https://howtoheretic.com/podcast/ Headlines: Survey: Religion becoming less important to Americans: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/20/survey-finds-that-religion-is-becoming-less-meaningful-in-the-lives-of-americans/ NCAA Says Lesbian Athlete, Disowned by Parents, Can Keep GoFundMe Cash: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/19/ncaa-says-lesbian-athlete-disowned-by-parents-can-keep-gofundme-cash/ Baptist Hate-Preacher Claims “Hanukkah is a Deception from Hell”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/26/baptist-hate-preacher-hanukkah-is-a-deception-from-hell/ Gwyneth Paltrow in talks to get her own Goop show on Netflix: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-6407973/Gwyneth-Paltrows-Goop-getting-Netflix-treatment-wellness-oriented-TV-series-talks.html https://shop.goop.com/shop/collection/the-2018-goop-gift-guides

Warning, this episode contains so much vulgarity, it needed extra vulgarians. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Blue Apron, and by raising a shit ton of money for charity. How much money? A shit ton. Woo! And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey Wes, you're home late today from school.

Yeah, I was talking to my anthropology teacher. We were discussing human origins. Did you say we evolved from filthy monkey men? I did. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, I have this paper for you to sign, and this paper, and this one from the principal. Right. Stupid monkey man.

It's Thursday. It's November 29th. And I've already put up my Christmas decorations. You're Hitler. Two of us. I mean, I did too. I just agree that you're Hitler. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. Also Hitler. I'm Heath Enright. And from Corpse Chris Christie, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we reveal just how much good can get done without God. My Google alert about Gwyneth Paltrow news sent me a singing telegram with a 30-piece

drumline. And Tom and Cecil will be here to get vulgaritable one more time. But first, the diatribe. I first learned about isolated tribal peoples like the Sentinelese from an article in the much less woke National Geographic of the 80s called The Last Stone Age People on Earth, where they highlighted a number of those groups. And for all I remember, the Sentinelese themselves were included. And I remember thinking about the religious implications even then, because, you know, I wasn't raised in a church core, but I knew enough about my parents' religion to know that people who didn't hear about Jesus didn't get to go to heaven. And also because I was a

naive fucking eight-year-old with no conception of that middle ground between reality and fiction that I was supposed to be carving out for religion. And that's why I could be sympathetic to John Chow if we later find out that he was actually an eight-year-old that got Freaky Friday'd into a 26-year-old's body.

Now, obviously, you all know the story by now because this asshole couldn't have had the decency to get himself killed on a Monday or a Tuesday when we could have worked this shit into last week's show. No, he had to do it on a fucking Wednesday and one on a week where we recorded early, no less. But just in case somebody is listening to this in archives or maybe some of you guys only know the story from the headlines and the memes, here's how it went down. The Sendalese are one of the last groups of people in the world who remain uncontacted by global society, and mostly because when anthropologists and government officials have tried to contact them, they've killed them or at least had a go at it. And John Chow is a 26-year-old Christian missionary whose job is to make Christians where there weren't Christians before. Now, you've got to imagine that a group like the Sentinelese are a Christian missionary's wet dream, right?

A whole culture that's unaware of the word of Jesus and the price he paid for him on the cross. But of course, as tempting a target as they are, there's plenty there to dissuade the hopeful Christian missionary. And the getting killed bit is only the first item on a long list. Add to that the fact that these people have no immunity to modern diseases, so just sneezing too close to their island could trigger an inadvertent genocide. And then add to that the fact that international law and national law in India forbid even going within three miles of that island. And that's to say nothing of the practical issues, right? I mean, even if you set aside law, personal safety, and the very real possibility of extincting a whole culture with measles or the flu and spoiler alert he will

you're still left with the fact that you don't share a common language hell anthropologists have so little information that they can't even classify the sentinelese language it's not intelligible to any of the tribes from nearby islands and there are no bilingual translators so short of a really long and disturbing game of charades it's hard to see how you encapsulate the died for your sins message here but none of that was enough to dissuade the intrepid idiot john chow after years of researching and learning all about how his mere presence could kill every single person on that island he was ready to make his move so he paid off some local fishermen to violate international law and take him to their island. Now, he didn't have enough money to talk him into taking him with an arrow range of the island, of course. But they got him close enough that he could row the rest of the way on a little canoe.

So he rose out to the island with a Bible and some trinkets, just like the colonialists of old that he doesn't know better than to admire, apparently. And he makes that long awaited first contact and they start shooting arrows and yelling at him and shit. So he rolls the fuck back to that fishing trawler. But the story doesn't end there because there is no limit to this guy's stupid. Apparently, he's keeping a journal through his multiple trips back and forth to the island where he documents his increasingly stupid efforts to bring these poor savages under the wing of white people. God, he tried shouting at him that he loved him and that Jesus loved him. And that didn't work because of the aforementioned language thing. And then apparently he knew a few words of Xhosa or however the hell you pronounce that.

It's one of the weird click languages from South Africa. So he tried shouting those in the apparent belief that this was universally intelligible to people that were brown enough to get it. Also didn't work. Then apparently he tried singing worship songs at them. universally intelligible to people that were brown enough to get it also didn't work then apparently he tried singing worship songs at them according to his journal they responded with a pretty even mix of amusement bewilderment and hostility and this goes on for a while apparently he'll shout some bible quotes and they'll thrust a few spears at him he'll row back to the fishing boat and then he'll think to himself oh what if i sing it to him or something and then he'll row back to the island to have another go'll think to himself, oh, what if I sing it to him or something? And then he'll row back to the island to have another go.

And look, at this point, I feel like you'd be legally allowed to shoot the dude if you were in America, right? He shows up on your property. He won't leave when you ask him. He keeps coming back. Eventually just decides to move in. Like killing him was wildly justified, even by people who don't know about the measles and shit. But to their credit, the Sentinelese showed some admirable restraint. They ran him off, they yelled, and on his penultimate

journey, according to his journal, one of them literally shot an arrow through his Bible. But despite all that, and the law, and the fatal pathogens, he decided to make one last trip, and he was so confident that he told the fishermen that brought him there they could leave this time. The fishermen leave, they come back the next day day and they see the locals dragging his lifeless body across the beach now of course this touched off an awkward response from the christian community which largely seems to be engaged in a collective effort to find a way to praise and condemn his actions with the same sentence because anybody with a bare sense of morality knows that what he did was stupid immoral and dangerous to a lot more people than just himself. This whole accidental genocide thing isn't exactly a bullet we dodged here, right?

Like if he introduced the tribe to some new disease that's going to kill him off, we won't know about it for quite a while. But at the same time, it's virtually impossible to condemn what he did without admitting that at least some of the foundational precepts of Christianity are make believe. that at least some of the foundational precepts of Christianity are make-believe. I mean, by the Christian reckoning, right? Like, even if he had killed all of them, what he did would have been an overall good if he'd managed to get them into heaven beforehand, right? I mean, even the language barrier shouldn't have been a deal-breaker, what with Christianity giving you the magical ability to speak in tongues

and that Jesus-shaped hole that God put in the natives' hearts when they were born. I mean, John Chau would just be revealing a truth they already knew deep inside, right? That's something you should be able to do even without a common language. Hell, to do so isn't just morally justifiable. It's a moral imperative if you take their religion seriously. As John Chau wrote in his own fucking notebook, quote, Lord, is this Satan's last stronghold where none have heard or even had a chance to hear your name? The eternal lives of this tribe is at hand.

End quote. Look, as a society, we stopped turning to religion with our questions about the natural world when it became clear that their explanations couldn't be reconciled with reality without Ken Ham levels of motivated reasoning. But religion is no better at answering moral questions, and yet we're still waiting for society to have a similar reckoning on that subject. And as John Chow's actions aptly demonstrate, we've already waited too long. Joining me for headlines tonight are renowned

philanthropists Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to bask in the warm feeling of getting credit for other people donating money? Well, that's pretty much our entire business model. No, it is. We just stopped being the receiver of the donations this time like fucking idiots. But I am nice and warm. I got that nice warm feeling you're describing. See, Heath gets the problem. Next year, we do vulgarity for charity,

but the recipient is us. It's going to be great. All right, well. Just spam modest needs with our nonsense. Now that Eli is so clearly in the Christmas spirit, I guess we can pause for a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor, Stamps.com.

All right, and it says here that Eli has one more agenda item. we can pause for a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor, Stamps.com. Alright, and it says here that Eli has one more agenda item for the meeting? Yeah, yeah. Okay, it's an idea. It's an idea for how to increase our patrons. So, you guys know how we mail rewards

to all the $5 patrons using Stamps.com? Well, what if in addition to sending something good to people who donate to the show, we send something bad to everybody who doesn't? See what I'm talking about? What do you mean bad? Okay, so this is an ad.

I'm not technically allowed to say, but look at me in my eyes and you're going to know what I mean. I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, it's not like Eli couldn't make enough.. I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, it's not like Eli couldn't make enough. Two votes. I think that's a vote. Anyway, it would be easy with Stamps.com.

They bring all the services of the U.S. Post Office right to your desktop. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. I mean, it says any three times in the copy. It's like they want us to do this, guys.

It's part of their thing. Plus, you can print postage any day, any time. Stamps.com is always open. Kind of like Eli's. Okay, guys, that's not the problem, though. Well, not only does Stamps.com save us time, Noah, it also saves us money.

And you do love saving money. That's true. And stamps.com helps you print the right amount of postage every time. Never overpay again. And with stamps.com, you get discounts on postage you can't even get at the post office. I mean, we've been using stamps.com for over a year now, and I can't imagine being without it, especially this time of year. And the best part is right now, our listeners can enjoy the stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at

the top of the homepage and type in scathing. That's stamps.com. Enter scathing. Hmm. All right. In that case, I'll run it by Andrew. Nope. It was worth a try. And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, a recent survey from the Pew Research Center gives us yet another statistical scrap of hope for the future of secular America. According to the survey, a smaller percentage of Americans than ever are reporting that religion gives their lives meaning and while the pew results don't explicitly say it the people who do say that are the people with the least meaningful lives overall yeah they're also the people with lower iq on average and they're older and they have way bigger overbites. Responsible eugenics and death panels. I've been saying this for years. Let's just speed that shit up and make it happen.

All I'm going to say is if the intangible and unprovable is what gives your life meaning, it doesn't. Right. These results come from two complementary studies. The first survey just included an open ended question asking respondents what gave their life meaning. The top answer predictably was family. Boo, normies.

Well, only 69 percent of Americans actually could stomach the assholes they share DNA with long enough to include them. So it wasn't an overwhelming majority or anything. The second most common answer at 34% was one's career. And number three, beating out spirituality and faith by three percentage points was money. My people. Yes, almost a quarter of Americans when asked what gives their lives, actually said cold, hard fucking cash. Yeah, religion would need the people who said money to tie the way 10% of their votes if they wanted to get the bronze medal, not even win. And those people already said no, kind of by definition of their vote.

I mean, okay, but to be fair to religion, Pew entirely rejected my suggested category of fuck stuff. So fucking stuff gives your life meaning? Pretty much, yeah. That's what I wanted. It was an open-ended question. That's valid. Now, the second study narrowed things down a bit and gave respondents an actual list of things to choose from,

like does your career give your life meaning? Does spending time with your friends give your life meaning? Et cetera. And while the number did rise substantially of the people who said that religion gave their life meaning, still only 36% of Americans answered yes would directly ask, does spirituality or faith give your life meaning? And don't get me wrong, that's still terrifyingly high. But seeing as how the whole giving life meaning thing is really the only claim religion is still making it seems damn significant that fewer than half of the religious people are willing to say it works for that when asked directly or hold on or this is a really clever

long con by god you know the greatest trick that God ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Right. I think I I think I heard that somewhere. Yes. Tall Tyler walking away from heaven as his limp goes away. Because if you follow the religious statistics closely, you might have noticed that this is also pretty much the exact same percentage of Americans that attend a weekly religious service of some kind. So I think the most meaningful statistic here is that barely half of those people remembered to say Jesus when the question was open-ended. And even more forgot to not say money. And by the way, if you need a dark cloud to go with this silver lining, learning consistently came in last in their questionnaire.

So... What the fuck? Yeah. America will always be dumb as fuck, but maybe hopefully we can be different. Dumb someday. I mean, to be fair, they probably saw that the researchers gave everyone who said learning and

atomic wedgies that discouraged the answers. Nerd. And in go fund yourself news tonight. I can't believe i'm saying this but i've got a story this week that involves college sports a gay kid being disowned by their parents go fund me and it's a happy story okay but fat people having to stand in long lines makes you happy so i'm gonna reserve judgment until i hear true oh you true. I do love it. Oh, you remember our Black Friday picnics we'd have at Walmart?

Put that. Just watching people stand badly and with difficulty. So much fun. I mean, we were two of the people, but still, like most,

it was a fun picnic. We got a TV and a memory. We did. So here's the story. This past fall, college sophomore, Emily Sheck's parents found out that she was gay when they discovered a photo of her and her girlfriend on Facebook.

Now, because they're Christian pieces of shit, they demanded Emily immediately return home for conversion therapy or risk being disowned by her parents and having the financial support they gave her for college withdrawn. Now, luckily, Emily refused and, sure enough, was told never to contact her family again. In the middle of the night, her father, Timothy Sheck, drove up to her school, removed the license plates from the car she had bought herself because he was paying the insurance, and left her birth certificate and childhood belongings inside.

Oh, you said happy story, and you're telling me a Kevin Swanson rewrite of Frozen, bro. Wait for it. Wait for it. So Emily was obviously destitute. She runs Division One track for her school, but track only provided a partial scholarship. And even though she was already working two jobs, Emily was unable to even buy groceries for herself, let alone pay for the rest of college.

It looked like all hope was lost. But then, Emily's roommate posted her story on GoFundMe, and as so rarely happens, something good happened on the internet. Eli, porn happens on the internet. Your Twitter feed is not the internet. The internet is not

your Twitter feed. Just don't go there. What's keeping you on Twitter? You get lots of Nazis tweeting back to you like, oh, Eli Bosnick, great argument. I'm convinced now. Please send me this Torah you speak of. Really?

They might someday. You don't know. They could. I could change. Don't I know, though? Don't I know? You'd probably do, though. Well, anyways, Emily raised over $ hundred thousand dollars on gofundme and she actually would have raised more except she's such a good

person that this 19 year old stopped accepting money once she had enough for college and asked people to donate to lgbtq charities instead By comparison, I was selling underweight bags of drugs at Emily's age. Okay, hold on, though. There's no such thing as underweight bags of drugs. You get this bag for $50. Do you want it or not? That's how it works. Thank you.

This is the bag, $50. I'm guessing Eli was putting, like, Stixxie Fountain in his yard out there, though. That's Pesky Dust in there. Yeah. That thing. I would just hand them a thing with a spice label on it. It was not great. Now, there was one catch

that luckily saw resolution this week. You see, the NCAA has very strict and specific rules that college athletes have to be slaves. Wait, what?

Well, they have rules that they have to be unpaid workers who generate vast amounts of income for people who control where they live and their education. So. Oh, yeah. OK, that sounds a lot like a slave withdrawn.

OK, but that being said, she's on the track team, which is a more like a subset of a sport and B makes absolutely no money, makes no money. It makes giant calves is what it makes. But as I said, this week, the NCAA granted Emily special permission to receive her payment, keeping her scholarship in place and leaving her with more than enough money to continue her education. Because when confronted by the horrors of this girl's parents, even the NCAA said, hey, that's no way to treat a college student. Now, there is one little ending to this story.

Emily's dad, Timothy Sheck, has explained that the family regrets those texts where they said, never contact us or your family again, and actions where they took the license plates off her car and put her childhood belongings inside. He says that they were made in anger and that they support their daughter, though Emily has made it clear that behind closed doors, he still expects her to get counseling if she ever wants to see her family again. And you know what? Fundraising worked out so well for Emily that we thought it might just work out for us.

So check out GoFundMe.com forward slashath and eli beat the shit out of emily's dad for more info um just check that out but first the diatribe but first the diatribe and since leaving y'all uplifted for very long goes against the whole concept of the show we're gonna pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This Week in Misogyny. All right, so I've been off this beat for a couple of weeks, and plenty of misogyny has happened in that time. But it turns out that you guys got me a Christmas present this year. Apparently, a few Vulgarity for Charity donors requested specifically that I handle their roast. So instead of reading up on misogyny news this week, I get to flambé some cornholes. First up is Samantha's husband, Tyler, who she says is a Trump-supporting Republican and a misogynist. And girl, if you aren't kidding, you better drop this Amish beard-having piece of shit.

Tyler is a misogynist? Samantha, you go a week without shaving, you'll have more hair on your cooch than this all ventriloquist, dummy production of deliverance looking motherfucker has on his cheeks. So he better hope he's not a misogynist. One way divorce laws, honey. Google is your friend. Next up, Cindy asked me to roast her mother-in-law. And hell, I'd love to roast this selfish bitch,

but it looks like the sun beat me to it. Seriously, Cindy's mother-in-law looks like the world's first sweet potato drag queen. She looks like a VH1 behind-the-music video about the Cabbage Patch Kids. But hey, Cindy, don't be too sad. The less she goes to the doctor, the sooner you get that house. Start moving things in now. Looks like she's on the verge of putting the noma in melanoma any second. And finally, Angie donated 200 bucks to have me roast her boss, Brian,

who she didn't have a picture of because she couldn't get a wildlife photographer to lend her the wide-angle lens on such short notice. But I've got a special message for Brian, and it's also for every other misogynistic motherfucker we've had the pleasure to roast over the last month. Brian, you tried your absolute best to keep Angie down because you and the men like you are terrified of her. But no matter how hard you tried to keep her and other women down, deep down, you're just a loser, a relic of history. And the only good you've ever done is inspiring Angie to donate to charity. And when all is said and done, Brian, I feel sorry for you.

Not because you're bad, but because you missed out on the chance to be good. And Angie didn't, no matter how hard you tried. And on that note, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Eli, and Heath, who is not going to die alone, no matter what the other guy says. He's welcome to move back in with us before then. Sorry, Heath, looks like Eli got into my notes again, but the offer does stand. Thank you, Lucinda. That's fine.

Cold. And in dreidel to grave news tonight, Christian hate preacher Adam Fannin decided that he'd be damned if the most offensive thing to come out of Jacksonville on Sunday was the Jaguars' offense, so he took to the pulpit to warn his congregants about the dangers of Jews. And he took to the pulpit to warn his congregants about the dangers of jews

and he set aside the normal theme of covert media manipulation and subversive conflict propagation to go after the oft overlooked blasphemy of having different holidays than christians specifically his ire fell on hanukkah which he dubbed a quote wicked holiday and a quote, deception from hell. So wicked. Oh, candles. Shiny. Hold. Fuck.

Ah, wicked deception from hell. Okay. From hell. Like, it's so boring that you might kill yourself and go to hell. Oh, good. A notebook. I can't wait seven days to get my fucking Christmas present. Sorry. So this borderline hate crime came during a Christmas themed sermon he delivered last Sunday in front of a large misspelling of steadfast that drove me nuts through the whole video because he never explains or even acknowledges that he knows it's misspelled. Since sermons about Christmas can so easily get weighed down with all that peace on earth and loving your fellow man bullshit,

Fannin made sure to spice it up early and often with a healthy dose of anti-Semitism. So after about 20 minutes of extolling the virtues of Christmas, he supposed his audience needed a contrast to really get the point. So he said, quote, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are wicked holidays. They are unholy holidays. Hanukkah is Kwanzaa are wicked holidays. They are unholy holidays. Hanukkah is a deception from hell. It's wicked. End quote. Deception?

Just Barack Obama and Satan standing next to each other, smiling, each lighting the first candle on their eighth thing. And now we wait. Mwahaha. I mean, Hanukkah does have gambling. It's got drinking. It's got sodomy. Like, I can see where...

Sorry, pretty sure that last one was just you. So, now he continued to ramble on for a while in a way that kind of made you think he was just going to leave that there as a self-contained thought but he did come back to Hanukkah's wickedness later adding that he believes it was quote like a starter drug to get you interested in the Hebrew roots movement he continues it's something to oh I'll do Christmas I'll do Hanukkah too we'll respect everybody well I don't really have any respect for Hanukkah. I'm sorry. It's not of God. It's not a good thing. End quote. So apparently the target of this Nazi outburst was the scourge of Christians converting to Judaism. The complete list of whom includes, to my knowledge, Sammy Davis Jr. and Walter Sobchak. And I'm pretty sure they just did it for the Hanukkah blowjobs.

Am I right? Quiet time now. Everyone's got that. Nope. Pretty sure. Nope. And finally tonight, it's the most wonderful time of the year. And of course, I'm talking about the 2018 Holiday gift guides

That just got released over at Goop.com With Paltrow's health and wellness Emporium Oh it's so good I put so much on my Amazon smells like fish list It's really Spoiler they didn't make any upgrades

On the uterine Kegel egg or the vaginal steam laser. Disappointing. Personally, I was rooting for an actual spoiler to fix the drag issues, but apparently nothing new there. So this year, we will not be issuing any warnings about the latest in ancient cutting-edge vagina-mangling technology, but we will be looking into their newest line of nonsense for wealthy idiots god bless us everyone just g pal standing in front of a boardroom we've got to top the golden dildo we've just got to yes she's the the gift that keeps on grifting yeah yes so before

we jump into the gift guides we have a special bit of extra Gwyneth Paltrow news. According to the 8,000 messages and tweets we got, news broke last week that she's currently in talks with producers to make her very own goop show on Netflix. Yeah. They're planning to have a format kind of like vice on hbo and they'll be exploring so-called wellness and homeopathic traditions in different cultures uh except they're fucking stupid so it'll actually be the opposite of vice yeah they'll be exposing vice and then complimenting the vice and and then selling it is selling it yeah and apparently the working title is the radical wellness show so people won't be moderately well they'll be

radically well that's exciting brought to you by an apathetic fda. Every show begins with Pally G skating onto the set down a half pipe. Who wants to know what's in my vagina? High fives, high fives, high fives. Robert Downey Jr.'s hepatitis, probably. Okay, so here's a few of my favorites from the 2018 gift guide on Goop. First up, we have the marble dumbbell uh yeah so you know how your metal dumbbells are too light well marble on the other hand is heavy yeah a pound of it weighs a lot yeah for a hundred dollars you can have an entire kilogram of marble.

And as we all know, metal doesn't go that high. So it's a very useful workout tool. You know when you're lifting weights and you think to yourself, damn it, this isn't breakable enough. I need something. Yeah. Okay, so there's also a new book on sale entitled High Vibrational Beauty. And it's full of recipes for quote radical self-cure again there will be no moderate amounts of self-curing you just you eat a vibrating

scallion and a tumor just shoots out of your face and uh that one's only 28 for that book i love how none of the words there are connected, right? Like you said, there was no way I was going to guess it was going to have recipes in it. You had beauty and recipes and then vibrations. There was no point in that description where you could have added dot, dot, dot, you know.

Amazing. Alright, next up for the lovers. We have something called The Infinite Rose Amazing. All right. Next up for the lovers. I'm listening. We have something called the Infinite Rose. And the only other words in the description are stays fresh for up to a year. There's a ceiling on the Infinite. It's $150 for the Infinite Rose.

Yeah. Watch out for thorns, though. And let's see. We also have several different collections of pills that they're not allowed to call medicine. The names of these supplement packs are Why Am I So Effing Tired, High School Genes with a G like high school DNA, High School Genes, Balls in the air and the mother load and when taken together they cure teenage impotence it's not clear what they do yeah if you open the first one the the why am i so effing tired one it's actually just a note that says you're not tired you're emotionally worn down but society has taught you the only way to elicit sympathy is to pretend you haven't gotten

enough sleep so that's that one actually works it's fun we have so many interesting windows into your psychology on this show all right moving on to the blood diamonds of the goop site blood diamonds blood diamonds they do have uh what was it they had diamond necklaces shaped like astrology constellations i think it was like the closest thing to science they actually had on the site but no the blood diamonds of the goop site um for the smoker who doesn't feel like they're spending enough money on their habit they have the king size 24 carat gold rolling papers what yep somebody clearly just thought of the pun pot of gold and they made a product to go around that pun oh no uh crazy billionaire money no uh no smoke build walls around whatever building Gwyneth Paltrow was standing in at any given moment.

Yeah, and then you would smoke gold behind your side of the wall. Yeah. Chuck Schumer's offering us $500 million. No, that's good, though. That's a good start. You can get some of that wall going. All right, next up, just in case smoking pure gold wasn't obnoxious enough goop is ready to sell you

an entire spanish village like literally on the website next to a 340 banana lamp and a 1450 folding table by gucci there's village for sale, an entire village. So if you're running low on villages, that's only $173,000. Oh, sorry. Question. If we buy the village. Nope. Absolutely not.

Okay. You guys didn't let me finish. If we buy the village, can we every tuesday yeah no absolutely we don't even know if they have that many wicker baskets yep that's fair yeah so next up we have the smart rope pure it's a jump rope for $64. Oh, Jesus. Which sounds expensive, but it also knows how to count. And not just count like whenever. It counts your jumps in real time. I would be so much more impressed if it had to think about it for a few minutes.

As someone who used a calculator for 8 plus 6 this morning, I feel attacked by this item's inclusion. I was impressed if it had to think about it for a few minutes. As someone who used a calculator for 8 plus 6 this morning, I feel attacked by this item's inclusion. I would just like to say, watching me jump rope at the gym, I mean, I can't, but if I had the physique to jump rope, counting would be what stopped me.

What did I do? 4, 5, gosh. No, yeah, we have counted with you before. Yeah. Fine. It says 1 and 4. That doesn't even make sense. counted with you before. Yeah. Fine. It says one and four. That doesn't even make sense. There's two solutions. Whatever.

So another amazing item was the Kishu Binchotan charcoal. It's literally just two burnt sticks in a bag. This one's a great deal at only $16, but unfortunately it's sold out right now. Oh. Sold out of burnt sticks in a bag. And currently no word on when you'll be able to get two entire burnt sticks. Right, yeah, but they will sell you a serrated edge

in a match for $15.25. Oh. Like a make-your-own-bath bomb. All right. And last one from our highlight list. And this one actually makes sense. They're selling a collapsible helmet for $140. And honestly, it feels like everybody shopping at goop.com could use one of these.

Honestly, would not be surprised if a judge makes a ruling at some point that says this helmet has to be included for free with every single purchase on goop.com. That would be fair. Plus, if your kid has Tay-Sachs, it is a must for the holiday season. Ooh. What? It just goes right with them. It makes their skulls collapse.

Racist. So you picture it folding up. So. Juiced. just just to recap the person in charge of that website we just talked about is getting her own goop show on netflix so check out patreon.com if you'd like to support our new podcast the gooper scooper and uh merry jewish coffee cups everybody yeah you just give us that 15 bucks a month you don't have to give Netflix anymore. Come on.

They have no good shows left. What? Stranger Things will be out in 2027 again, apparently. That's it. Those kids are 60. Those kids are 60 years old. They're all aging into too attractive or not attractive enough. You don't want to watch that.

Bumping mics was funny. All right. So on that happy holiday message, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Drew Kwanzaa. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here for a little more high-powered vulgarity. Welcome to Typical Grocery Store. Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I want this product right here. But as you can see, they're displayed in such a way that if I take one, the entire pyramid will come crashing down like the opening scene of an Indiana Jones movie. Yeah, it's a grocery store, sir. We have to do that by law. That's weird. Is there any way I can get one then? No, not here, at least not here okay bummer that's stupid um all right well do you know where the saffron is oh we do not sell products of an adult nature sir i am a christian uh it's a spice please do not tell me

details i already have to pray to the grocery store it's the worst. Please do not tell me details. I already have to pray. I hate going to the grocery store. It's the worst. Well, why not try Blue Apron? Oh, what's Blue Apron? Really? After all these ads, it still hasn't sunk in what Blue Apron is? Apparently not. No.

Oh, all right. Well, Blue Apron is America's number one meal delivery service. They deliver farm-fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door. Really? So how does that work? Well, you choose chef-designed recipes, then Blue Apron delivers fresh, seasonally-inspired ingredients that allow you to cook incredible meals in as little as 20 minutes. 20 minutes? I spend that long in the shopping cart slalom that is your parking lot. That's actually quicker than average. And Blue Apron offers a range of recipes bursting with flavor. So whether you're looking for a quick and easy meal or a full-on culinary cooking experience,

Blue Apron lets you choose from a range of recipe options. They'll help you get out of your routine and enjoy restaurant-quality meals at home. All right, great. So how do I try it? restaurant quality meals at home. All right, great. So how do I try it? Well, you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free

at blueapron.com slash scathing. That's blueapron.com slash scathing to get your first three meals free. Are you telling me all this stuff in hopes that I'll leave? I don't want to restock things later. Got it. Yeah, that's what I figured. Blue apron, a better way to cook. Okay, quick question. How old are you? I'm like 15 or 30.

Noah, come on in. We just finished up recording. Where are Heath and Eli? They're still in the car. They're fighting. Oh, hey, Noah. Wait, why am I here? I live in California.

Oh, Eli has this thing where he thinks that everybody who's on a podcast get together lives in the same house except Andrew who still has an office for some reason. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like that episode of the Twilight Zone where the kid with the superpowers makes everybody pretend that every day is his birthday. Oh, I love that episode. Hey, you guys think that kid made everyone suck his dick

eventually? Hey, Andrew. Hey, Thomas. Oh, 100%. Yes. That's what I thought. What else would you do with that power? Eli, it's good to see you. You notice that I have removed all of the furniture here in my office. Dibs on Thomas! Too slow, that was me.

Eli broke your co-host. Keith broke your co-host. Eli broke him. Wait, so am I dead now? No, they just needed to rip something. It's a bit. Yeah, that's I dead now? No, they just needed to rip something. It's a bit. It's a thing. Yeah, that's a bit.

Cool. Called back. So, Noah, you've got some roasting for us. Yeah, but first we got a request from Debra to roast Andrew. You look like Ken DelVecchio's baby. Oh, he does. God, yeah. I heard that the first time you said it, Eli, on one of the most downloaded episodes of our show.

Thanks. Thanks a lot for that. It's so accurate, Thomas. Thomas, check it out. Look at this baby. Look at this gigantic fucking baby. Look at the picture. Oh, my God.

He does. Guys, you know, I actually have lost quite a bit of weight. Yeah, not in your voice, though. Yeah. Probably need to do voice setups or whatever. Yeah, not in your voice, though. Your voice is... Probably need to do voice setups or whatever. Yeah, voice body. Oh, good. Yeah, this is fun.

Thanks for having me back. Oh, and Thomas, very real donor Tony D, gave us money for you to roast the father of your child. Oh, you mean me? I do not. Okay, Thomas looks like the yearbook photo of an Abercrombie and Fitch model Oh, you mean me? I do not. Okay. Thomas looks like the yearbook photo of an Abercrombie and Fitch model who killed himself because he couldn't find work. Ooh.

Yeah. I wouldn't even drape you. You too, huh? All right. It's for charity, Thomas. All right, Thomas. You'll like this one. Allison gave us $100 for you to roast, quote, the bitches who keep whining every time Thomas talks on OA. Yeah.

You know what's the worst thing about those people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough of that, Thomas. Look, these people are the worst. I can't wait for Allison to stand atop a pile of their skulls like Conan the Barbarian. You know, I've given up any hope of ever sitting on the Supreme Court thanks to this bit. And let me tell you, it is 100% worth it just to roast you fuck faces. Yeah, this was what kept you off the scotus there, Andrew.

It was just that. All right. Also, Teresa would like Thomas to roast Brian Z, your editor. Oh, hey, you know, guys, Brian is honestly wonderful. I don't feel like as an employee... It's okay. We wrote something for you.

Oh, okay. Fine, then. Let's see. This says, Brian looks like he got cut from the background of Vikings for masturbating. He's a great guy who does great work. Brian looks like he joined a

biker gang for the gay sex. He's honestly a member of my family practically. I really feel uncomfortable. He's an employee I shouldn't be. And Brian, just an FYI, you know, the word editor usually indicates

cutting things out of the audio that someone gave to them. You make the producers of Access Hollywood look like Craig McKay. Okay, but he did Silence of the Lambs in Philadelphia, right? He did do Philadelphia, too. Yeah, I think he did both of those.

Brian is an extremely valued employee whose work goes above and beyond what is asked for him that's true you're not very good at this okay oh oh no do the steve novella one do the steve novella oh right okay so andrew kyle gave us money for eli to say more awful things about steve novella and we were hoping you could like you know play some legal defense for us here i will do my very best eli are you ready always okay uh as a matter of law no reasonable person could possibly think eli is anything but joking when he says that steven novella killed four people that i'm aware of if the police are currently building a case against him, contact me. I have vital information I need to share with you.

The following statement from let me remind you, professional comedian Eli Bosnick is a comedian and total fabrication and falsehood. Steve Novella told me in confidence at QED that he thought Neil deGrasse Tyson must have white writers because, quote, black people can't do science. Oh, God. Cool. So I talk next, I guess. We good? We move on? Assuming that Steve Novella

has the greatest sense of humor in the known universe? Yeah, sure. All right, good. So, Andrew, I've got a challenge here for you. Ricky would like you to roast your hero, Optimus Prime. I don't think Andrew's programming will allow him to do that. Yeah. Well, Ricky, this one's for you, bud.

You know, when I was a kid, Optimus Prime's John Wayne shtick was really, really moving. But now it kind of comes across like make Cybertron great again. And I'm a little uncomfortable about it. Oh, also, Optimus Prime dies so often, it's like he's a red shirt intern on Star Trek. And let's be clear here. Thank that was for you. Optimus Prime has a face plate. Those shows where he's got the little robo lips like that.

Oh, that makes him look like the face on a Quintesson's ass. And you know, the one that I'm talking about. Okay. And finally, I thought you'd both enjoy this. Jeff would like you both to roast Green Party voters. Oh, I've got one. Hey, hey. Hey, Green Party voters.

Have a seat over there. That's right. You have a little seat right there. There you go. Put your little hacky sack back in your pocket for a second. And I want to spell this out for you. Crystal clear, like, okay, you are a rube. You're worse than a rube. Actually, you're, you're a sucker who doesn't know he's being conned. Look, I get it, right? You sucked at life early, so early, so often that you separated from society. Good for you, right? You sucked at life early, so early, so often that you separated from society. Good for you, right?

You joined the long list of people who saw through the lies and used this new glimpse of truth to bore their drug dealer. But I got words for you. The Green Party is a fucking con, okay? It's not a third option. It's not an option at all. It's a Russian-funded, spoiled pyramid scheme that uses tactics that would make the so-called corrupt Democrats

lose their fucking shirts, okay? But this isn't about my Wi-Fi-blocking Barbie and her gang of failed baby boomers. This is about you. I want you to know something, okay? I'm smarter than you. I've had every thought you'll ever have, and I've dismissed them all

as a goddamn waste of time, okay? You're not fighting for something here. You aren't smart. You're stupid, and deep down, you know it. So, here's the parting thought, guy. Enjoy those two Supreme Court justices you gave us,

Granola. They're all yours. You know, I don't think I can add to that. So I'll just say it's kind of an insult to the left that people think Green Party voters would have voted for the left. I'd rather them just not do anything. Just don't

even do it. The thing you did was worse than nothing. Just stay home. Just do nothing. Good work, fellas. Good work. I'll also add, fuck all of you. Let's move on. All right. Nailed it.

Okay. I guess we should be going. Shotgun. I call shotgun. No, no. Shotgun. I said shotgun. Andrew, Thomas, thanks so much for helping out.

Thanks. No problem. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Oh, also, Thomas, nobody likes your shows. Oh, cool. Yeah, I guess someone paid for Thomas to get roasted? No, that's just what Noah says every time he sees me. You know, Vulgarity for Charity did a lot of good this year,

and I'm proud of all of it, especially the part where our audience stepped up and gave my mother the most awkward thing in the universe to brag about over Thanksgiving dinner. It was really awkward and difficult for her. But holy shit did we blow away our expectations. When the fundraiser ended at midnight on November 21st, our listeners had stepped up and donated an astronomical drum roll. Please.

No, I'm serious. Put in a genuine drum roll here. $72,671. And, of course, thanks to an extraordinarily generous match of the first $50,000. That means that altogether we raised $122,671. Amazing. That's incredible. We can just do bad shit from now on.

I feel like it balances it out. I'm so glad this is their show, Cecil. All right, so the fundraiser itself is over, but the insults are far from complete. So rejoining us now are two guys so brutally honest that they named their podcast after an uncomfortable mental state brought about by logical inconsistency

Tom and Cecil you guys are like the three stooges if they were all Shemp I didn't mean it I didn't mean it I'm sorry that's so mean I'm sorry I didn't mean it what the fuck man everyone knows Heath is Shemp. Holy shit. Dark.

You're Shemp. Wild card. Fuck you. Shemp was the wild card. No, he wasn't. Working with you three is like working with three men I would hire just for the pleasure of waiting for them to settle in, buy a car, maybe have a kid, get really comfortable, and then fire the day before Thanksgiving. Tom and Mitt Romney, man, they get off on the same shit.

We started late because he was hosing down a dog. And, of course, Eli and Heath are still here because those Christmasmas ghosts could go fuck themselves apparently i keep waiting oh oh uh fuck marry kill uh uh first lady uh i don't like labels the president i wasn't done yet too fast okay sorry part of the problem so So fuck, marry, kill the Christmas Carol ghosts. Oh, okay. Okay. Sorry. I got excited. Okay. Were you talking Muppet Christmas Carol? Obviously. Only Christmas Carol we have. Okay. Yeah. Kill past, marry present, fuck future.

Ooh! You do love skeletons filled with demons. Certainly have a type. All right. So before we begin this show tonight, in addition to extending our hearty thanks to the anonymous donor who provided our $50,000 match, and to all of you who gave what you could to make this event happen, we want to take a moment to extend a special thanks to a listener and our number one donor of the fundraiser, Kirk,

who donated an astonishing $15,000 total. Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. Right? Okay. So one of the things that struck us most about this fundraiser is just how often you all reached into your pocket and apologized that it couldn't be more. And Kirk was the

exact same way despite that huge number. Now, Kirk has refused a song or a kidney we offered, but he did mention kind of as a joke that it would be real swell if we did a live show in his hometown of Virginia Beach, Virginia. And you know what, Kirk? Fuck it, man. You give $15,000 to a good cause and we'll do a live show in your town, even if you're the only one who shows up. So we're going to book

a theater in Virginia Beach. We'll have information as soon as everything's available. We're going to do a live citation needed there. And of course, Kirk, your ticket is on us. All right. Well, you guys didn't tell me that. Kirk has to buy his ticket. $15,000 a ticket. Fuck you, Kirk. No. I'm sitting there. Tom, you're on stage. I'm sitting here.

Squalbarity is not a bird, Stu. All right. Let's get to some insults. First up, Chris. Well, some of the ones that we're getting paid for. Chris donated $1,000 to have his boss and best friend Ian roasted. into some insults first up chris well some of the ones that we're getting paid for chris donated a thousand bucks to have his boss and best friend ian roasted and says he probably could have had that shit done in a five-star restaurant for that kind of money let's make it good uh okay ian looks

like he could blow it with a hooker he looks like he's been asked multiple times to hold the camera while the woman he's in love with makes a dirty video for her boyfriend. Oh, that's so rough. Yeah, Ian looks like lunch money with a body around him. I just want to beat the shit out of him. Also, a failed pedophile. He looks just like a failed pedophile.

Like he showed up at a middle school to fuck a kid and got beat up by that kid for his lunch money. Picture we got looks like a selfie from inside a locker that he's been trapped inside ever since or maybe he could be in the back of his own windowless van after getting carjacked by that kid that he was trying to buy i've never seen anyone look so much like a ground squirrel. When he dies, they're going to check inside his cheeks, and they're going to find a torn-up penthouse in there he was storing for later.

I'm confused. Ian is your boss? A boss? Ian looks so weak, he'd cuck himself while masturbating. I've seen men wearing ball gags in a spreader bar more dominant than Ian exactly are you the boss of Ian crying a lot alright Heath Eli

we three are going to handle this next one from Mark hi Mark I love you Mark Mark feels bad about some feedback he gave us a while back and so he threw a whopping $1,150 to Modest Needs for us to roast him. But the problem is Mark is a good looking dude. He looks like if Santa would sell you weed, right?

So let's hit him where it hurts. Let's hit him with some Christian guilt. Oh, this is good. Okay, here we go. Mark, hi. Would you pass the potatoes? Or did you want to call them homophobic first i don't know whatever you it's up to you yeah well either way we'll be praying for you because you

look like zz bottom and you're so old that when you told me you were a veteran i had to ask north or south but we love you buddy all right tom and cecil john gave us a thousand bucks for you guys to roast chicago and illinois illinois is the only state where people who live a hundred miles outside a larger city will just tell people they're from that large city they don't want to be thought of as the outward hillbilly racist they want people to know they came from that shining, horribly segregated city on a hill. I don't even know how to do that. How can a person roast a city that roasts itself?

I mean, seriously, Chicago tries to kill itself every spring when the temperature finally climbs out of the teens and we begin our annual brown people season. Roast Chicago? Where the police are discovered to have black sites to torture people and the response is a sigh, a shrug, and the only thing that changes is the governor sends a Christmas card to the black site from his prison cell? Chicago can't even be roasted. Even our world-famous comedy troupe is so aware of its position, they named themselves

after being the first to lose. The only roast that Chicago needs is another fire to clean it out. Alright, got another one for all of us. Aubrey gave us a thousand bucks to roast her old professor, Steve, a racist, misogynistic, Trump-supporting wannabe biker. All right. Steve looks like a grandfather of anarchy. Pretty sure he's got a leather vest tucked into high-waisted pleated pants

if he started an easy rider that was a happy ending oh my god a wannabe biker okay uh this is actually true story true story time uh last summer i was driving home and i saw fire in the road and when i slowed down i saw there was actually a terrible motorcycle accident the guy who'd been riding the motorcycle was on fire next to the husk of metal that used to be his bike. And that really happened. And the worst thing about that event, the worst thing wasn't

that my kid saw it with me. It was that that wasn't Steve. Steve looks like Stanley Tucci playing a vulture in a Lenny Reifenstahl film. Yeah, clearly he went into geology because he was sympathetic to not shifting significantly in the span of a human life. Also because he can chisel granite with his nose and most professions don't give him a chance to show that off. He wants to be a biker, so I'll sing him out.

Born to be mild. a biker so i'll sing them out born to be mild now at this point i should add that besides being our most profitable year this also had by far the best weird requests like this next one from elizabeth who gave us 850 to roast the new orleans sewage and water board that's awesome. Years ago, I went to New Orleans and there was this garbage can that had on the outside, keeping New Orleans clean. And the outside of the garbage can, I'm not even kidding here, was covered in so many different types of unidentifiable goo that I just decided I'm not going to put my hand even near this thing. I'm just going to hold on to this garbage for the rest of the day.

So NOLA Sewage and Water Board, if you invited me over for some scat play, I'd just hold it in for fear my shit would become contaminated. Let's see here. The NOSWB is so full of shit, they refuse to clean themselves. Yeah. She sent along this three-page essay about how bad they are. They're like my father-in-law using Roku of utilities. And based on the level of corruption,

they're probably afraid to actually process sewage lest some of them get caught in the machine. I mean, look, we're talking about a group of people so incompetent they can't get water to a city that's default mode is flooded. I don't know, guys. You think it'd be a little hard. Like being part of the New Orleans sewage board has to be an impossibly difficult job. I mean, you're in New Orleans.

So where does your job begin and where does it end? It's difficult. I mean, imagine when like with that kind of need and job security that being a shit cleaner in New Orleans provides, someone still looks at $150 in their wallet and says, you know, you know who needs to be taken down a peg? Those highfalutin guys over at the poop factory. All right. So first of all, the New Orleans sewage and water board should get a name that's not redundant. That would be the first step. Also, maybe think

about pulling the plug. I mean, like, literally. It's time to pull that plug at the bottom of your dirty bathtub city and let it drain away quickly. Whole city looks like the tub scene from Fear and Loathing after it got drained way too slow.

Just a slimy film of cum and blood and vomit. It's gross. All I want to do is play White Rabbit and hit the sewage board in the face with a grapefruit. Awful. In the next Saw movie, the victim's just going to wake up in New Orleans with an open paper cut

and try to navigate his way out of the city. It's going to be terrifying. Jesus Christ. This is the best thing you've ever written. God. You guys are like the Oregon Trail. You have to caulk your car to get across the city. The only fun part is rifle hunting.

And half the people die of cholera. What the fuck? All right. Pretty damn good. On the other end of the spectrum, some of you got very specific, like Fred, who donated $500 and requested that we roast any random, this is a quote,

any random racist redneck that has a Confederate battle flag on his pickup and is proud of his traitorous ancestors, but thinks NFL players that kneel during the anthem to protest cops shooting innocent civilians are traitors to our nation. Also, Robert E. Lee. Fred.

Fred, buddy, so vague. Give us something to work with here. Okay. All right. It just occurred to me, though, that the reason all those doofuses wear white wife beaters is because that's the closest thing to wearing a realistic confederate flag on

your back all right okay um oh boy i sure do love giving my wife orgasms on my first try and not running such a bad military campaign that i ask historians to modify history while i'm still alive. Yeah, and a quick tip, Confederate flag guy. If you ever do want to give your wife an orgasm, think about dressing up like Colin Kaepernick. It still won't happen, but you'll get a lot fucking closer. Honestly, even a George Soros mask would probably get you closer. And as for Robert E. Lee, we don't speak ill of the dead like that, everybody. Could be somebody's direct ancestor and who's just doing his job.

I don't even know where to start. Like, because I love those guys. Those guys are awesome. I love those guys because that flag is like a great big stupid loser broadcast symbol. You know, like think about all the time those things save you you can take one look at that flag and that truck and you know you fucking know that whoever is driving that monstrosity is some diabetes filled bloated canker on humanity who would be the shame of america if america could still summon enough decency to be shamed

and we'll get there again we will we'll get there we'll be ashamed again and when we do their time in the sun having faded these shit heels will go back to what cowards always do drinking cheap beer alone and reliving that one time in high school and they had a football thing happen until through the tears they don't even deserve the catharsis of they lock eyes on the extension cord and step stool in the garage they deserve all right so to fulfill the first part i just have to walk out my front door and yell fuck you in any direction and the cop said the next time it won't be a warning so i'm gonna skip straight to the only military officer less intimidating than colon Sanders, Robert E. Lee. He's no doubt admired by military historians for his masterful ability to get

the fuck out of the way and let Stonewall do all the work, but the legend of his military prowess are less believable than his comb over and his offspring will bear his shame until, what is it, Heath 8th generation? 9th generation? In fact, the only good thing I can say about the guy is

he opposed the construction of confederate monuments all right well it's time for another spightning round which is a name we were hoping eli forgot about but it's in this week's script so apparently not it's frightening so gentlemen we've got some bad bosses here are you ready to tell me why these motherfuckers got fired yeah you are good good you are all nodding that's good all right i am ready for that percent radio mark's boss andreas look mark's boss i know i should just call my, I guess, because his name's right there. All right. Look, Andreas, I know you walk around with that sandwich board sign that says genius on it,

but you can't always dress for the job you want. All right. How about Patrick's CEO? He probably got fired because he looks like Cartman made a Dick Cheney clone out of stem cells. And now he's a judge who's about to throw out a hate crime case on a technicality. He looks like every judge who's ever done that all mixed together.

Alright, Tom, how about Garrett's boss TJ? TJ, I need just a moment of your time. Step into my office. Thanks, thanks. TJ, as you like to point out, we pride ourselves here on being, well, solutioneers. And when I think solutioneer, when i think solution here i think what are our problems in need of those solutions so stayed up all night trying to come

up with some way you might be able to power wash some and even all of the chew off between your teeth or maybe some possible way i could get you to understand that forcing your employees to adopt your political views wasn't as poor taste as your actual political views but instead i decided to call you in here just uh tell you two quick things one one is that you're fired uh and the only legacy you'll leave of your impact here is the fart stench that pervades the cushion of your chair that maintenance is already burning out back by the dumpster we put your family photos and uh the second is that your wife is gonna leave you but not until she fucks her way into an escape plan so that you know until the last of your days that there is nowhere that you can turn where you were good enough. Mitt Romney just came.

See? All right. I'll take Gavin's boss, Wes. He was fired for sexually harassing cleaning equipment and solitary violations of the elevator's load limit. All right. Eli, how about Molly's supervisor, Phil? Oh, Phil, fun fact, was fired for thinking casual day referred to his racism. That's on him. All right, how about Christopher's boss, John?

Well, John looks like the highlight of his life was a really good leg day in 2001. He's been dwelling on it ever since so he decided to keep the exact same goatee forever that he had on that day in 2001 and um i think he got fired specifically because under special skills on his resume it says wrist control voter suppression and not being detained all All right, Eli, how about Hertz's mom's CEO? Oh, you know, she actually got fired for stealing rubber bands from the office

and using them as Spanx for her neck. All right, and finally, Chanel's boss, whose name we don't know, but fuck that guy. Okay, look, Chanel's boss. Look, Chanel's boss. I'm sorry,

but we can't have a school principal losing his spelling beat a Floyd Mayweather. All right. So on that note, we're going to toss things over to our next guest roasters, Mark,

Dan, and Doug from the How To Heretic podcast. Hello, I'm Uncle Mark. And I'm Uncle Dan. and i'm uncle doug and we're your audio uncles here to bring you a very special roast edition of the how-to heretic yeah so the scathing boys were super sweet and actually wrote up a whole script for us apparently believing that we were too nice to give people the kind of brutal roasting that scathing and cognizant listeners

have grown to expect. But fuck that. We write our own shit. Other than the massive help these guys have given our podcast over the past year, we don't need their fucking help. Thank you very much. Yeah. And since one of the people we're going to roast is Eli, we're not going to let him negotiate

the terms of his humiliation. Hell no. All right. Well, let's jump right in. of his humiliation hell no all right well let's jump right in uh knowing our mormon roots roxanne donated 110 bucks for us to roast the mormon church leadership now listen i you guys i was on the lds website looking at all of the general authorities pics arranged yearbook style that's what you do after dark it's kind of a hobby anyway i swear to god when i got to the black guy and the bunch uh all the other pictures around him were watching him out of the corner of their eye.

The leadership of the Mormon church looks like what happens when eugenics meets multi-level marketing. The Mormon leadership looks like what would happen if a movie production called a casting director and asked for all the headshots for the role of child-molesting funeral director from Wichita. and ask for all the headshots for the role of child-molesting funeral director from Wichita. The Mormon Church just appointed its first Latino apostle this year, and the rest of the apostles have had nine and one dialed into their phones ever since. Yes, that's true. Look, I'd call them Nazis, but they're somehow all convinced that they are actually the real Jews.

So what can you do? Now, John gave us $330 for, quote, for and on behalf of kelsey and carrie who are poor in the name of the women and the gays the mary jane club fuck packer end quote that's inside that's deep inside joke yeah if you're not a mormon he's the guy who used to lead the charge of hatred in the morm against the gays, but did us a huge favor by dying. Yeah, he was the head of the Mormon SS and the gay hater general. Boyd K. Packer looks like a mortician school practice corpse that got left out over the holidays. Boyd K. Packer's lifelong, very public obsession with teenaged peen, which he affectionately

called your little factory, should have gotten him locked up in the crazy house like the very public creep he kept doubling down on telling us he was but no obsession with the genitals and private activities of children has a long honorable history in mormonism so in their universe he's a good guy go figure yeah boyd k packer insisted that homosexuality was not genetic unlike his his signature whole-face foreskin. Oh, my God. Yeah, that is inheritable. Boyd K. Packer looks like he was the inspiration for the Frankenberry cereal monster.

Boyd K. Packer looks like if you had a seance and asked the spirits to summon the average of every regional credit union vice president, and the spirits did not disappoint. every regional credit union vice president and the spirits did not disappoint if you did a time lapse of boyd packer from the 70s through to the 20 teens you'd have a video of a man being consumed by his own neck he's going full mcconnell it would sound like more tyson gave us 99 to give a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles dallin h oaks a roasting dallin h oaks looks like a dentist who whispers, Showtime, right as you lose consciousness. Dallin Oaks looks like a mortician

that gets an eye-fluttering erection under his desk whenever anybody says, Cremains. Oh, God. Imagine if your grandpa was always half-smiling because he is forever returning to the memory of

when he organized utah's most successful lynching it makes me shudder to think of all the unsuccessful ones yeah well unsuccessful lynchings don't get you an apostleship so zhang dallin oaks looks like the malt shop owner who's been putting birth control in the coloreds water fountain oh oh god jesus he looks like his proudest little known fact is that he invented the game smear the queer dallen oaks looks like he was the original artist model for the swastika all right well uh lane and craig isn't lane craig a person anyway william lane craig there you go william lane craig's probably William Lane Craig secretly doing it. Yeah, he's giving under both names.

Lane and Craig both kicked in to hear us make fun of Mormon President Russell Nelson. Oh, that's too bad. That's not going to be any fun. Yeah, I think we can do this one. Listen, he literally looks like Jeff Dunham's old man puppet came to life, fucked Dunham to death, and then sat smiling on the body until the authorities arrived. Seriously, Google it. It's uncanny.

It's kind of on the nose. President Nelson is smiling because only he knows that he put all those hard candies in that bowl up his ass. Russell Nelson looks like if a children's television show in hell was hosted by a rancid, grinning, canned ham. His smile is so terrifying it gives Stephen King nightmares. Well, I think that's exactly perfect

because he does look like if you buried Bob Newhart in a pet cemetery. President Nelson looks like he managed to get the lid back on the ark after just a few seconds. So our friend Matt asked us to roast a certain someone that had almost thankfully disappeared behind the veil of obscurity. The very strange transracial Rachel Dolezal.

Oh, yes. So you guys remember the 1986 C. Thomas Howell movie Soul Man, where a rich white kid gets a perm and paints himself brown to get one of those super easy to get affirmative action full rides to harvard remember that yeah satan send us rachel dolezal so that we as a society never forget that we made that fucking movie yeah that's true rachel dolezal now known as nichecki amare diallo shabazz x look she looks like the daughter of amy polar and sideshow bob which technically makes her half yellow. Does that count? And half two-dimensional. If she keeps going in this direction, her next name will be

an Africa-shaped necklace. The artist formerly known as White. You know the worst, most unretractable, life-altering, embarrassing drunk tweet you've ever woken up with a splitting headache only to remember hitting tweet outside the bar at 2 30 last night rachel dolezal is that tweet made

fleshed out rachel dolezal's before photo is contractually obligated to call the police on her after photo rachel dolezal is suffering from stage four jungle fever rachel dole rachel dolezal is black in the same way that mayonnaise is hot sauce okay that's over so edmund gave us 250 bucks to do something i don't want to do yeah which is specifically to roast uncle doug on how hard he fucks. Yes. Now, Doug, as much as you may want to chime in here, I'm pretty sure none of us wants to know how hard you think you fuck. So we'll mark you and I. All right. So I'm just going to dip my toe in this, so to speak.

So, you know, since Doug and I both moved out of the house decades ago, it's been a while since I had any firsthand knowledge of this. But let me take a stab doug fucks so hard that he makes me his older brother who imagines things for a living unable to imagine the image of doug fucking long enough to make a joke about it gross edmund you're a gross person oh you bailed on it all right right. Fine. Fine. Then I'll take the handle. Here we go. Enjoy. Doug fucks so hard that he uses 5W30 for lube. Look, Doug fucks hard, but not appropriately. He is not welcome at that PetSmart anymore.

Yeah. Lifetime corporate band. The entire chain. Yeah. Exactly. Is that all of them or just the one of them? It's the whole thing. Well, here's a fun fact.

Okay. If Doug does fuck you, you instantly grow a beard. Oh, Jesus. He fucked Zach Galifianakis one time, and now no amount of shaving can keep that face clean. Oh, God. The same thing happened to Roseanne. He fucked Daniel Radcliffe into puberty. Jared Kushner wanted the same, but white doug wisely declined gross and apparently

duck that he fucks like a duck he's a fuck a duck apparently he fucked the racism into roseanne yes radcliffe's a racist now too you'll see oh yeah look that's duck fucks hard doug fucks hard i can't even speak anymore uh and finally as we mentioned before susanna donated donated 250 to hear uncle mark roast eli because quote eli loves him so much and needs to feel our pain although uncle mark i don't think we're gonna let you have all of the joy on this no i think we're gonna make this a group effort it's gonna be a group a group hug of pain around eli so you know eli you sweet summer child you thought i'd let you write your own roast i think not if i was asked to eulogize my friend eli bosnick and i probably will be i would just play a recording of the pillsbury doughboys struggling to get a quarter out of his velcro shoe at the bus stop on a hot summer day just going.

Eli looks like the birthday magician that keeps asking the kids to fish around in the hat on his lap. Oh, God. It's hard to do magic from the court mandated 500 yards. Yikes. Look, he's the guy who walks into a sex club and suddenly a spontaneous meeting is called to make sure everyone understands the rules. Eli's entire being can be summed up by remembering what the last postage stamp you licked tastes like.

When Eli tells it to put the lotion on its skin, it's actually ointment. Look, he looks like the kind of guy who will die on the toilet. That's just another way Eli is exactly like Elvis. Oh, see, there you go, Eli. Yeah. And lastly, Eli looks like if you went to the deli and ordered the chicken salad sadness. And with that, thanks to the scathing boys and the guys over at Cogdiss.

And a special thanks to all the very generous donors. From the How To Heretic, I'm Uncle Doug. I'm Uncle Mark. And I'm Uncle Dan. And there's got to be a better way to raise money than this. Oh, my God. That's so stupid. Bye.

Thank you, gentlemen. And if you'd like to hear more from them, you can check out the How To Heretic anywhere you get your podcasts or check the show notes speaking of which taru tossed us some cash to roast hi taru those very same guys so let's see them off in style special request please incorporate and it came to pass uh and it came to pass that mark and dan's podcast was like the golden plates of nephi perfect, and with an audience of five people. And it came to pass that Mark and Dan forgot to

leave their shift at Abercrombie that ended 30 years ago. And it came to pass that Mark, Dan and Doug just couldn't decide on a threesome, so now they're all sister-wise. And it came to pass that mark dan and doug just couldn't decide on a threesome so now they're all sister wives and it came to pass that mark dan and doug went to the mountaintop and thus spake damn that thing looks tall i'm winded let's get arby's and so began their thousand days of torment the longest span any of them would survive after their second bypasses fail oh jesus all right next up michael

gave us 400 bucks to roast his halloween costume okay michael looks like he's not wearing a halloween costume he looks like he's actually a homeless lumberjack from ancient israel and he's not okay. And he used his time machine to get ladies' glasses in 2018 and nothing else, which is a weird use of a time machine. Michael looks like he writes brutal reviews of the high school play, but only because he's mad they won't cast him for being an adult. And I feel you, Michael. I feel you. I mean, are we even sure that that's a costume?

Because I'm pretty sure Michael hit me up at the gas station last week for $10 in bus fare. And that blowjob wasn't worth the $8.50, Michael. Lackluster. I got to say, Buddy Christ is such an ironic costume for someone with no friends. All right. All right. Adam gave us 360 bucks to roast his 9-11 truther friend, Mark, who has a mustache that doesn't quite connect to his beard. He always has a confused look on his face, and he constantly misquotes the Big Lebowski.

Okay. Mark looks like he is the walrus, actually. Like a really slow walrus trying to do math in his head, which weird i don't know what the walrus math would be he looks like what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass honestly this is what happens mark you happen oh man movie quotes comedy guy everybody loves that guy well that was funny literally no one likes no one likes that guy. Seriously, Mark, you are the very definition of unoriginal tedium. It's not even that no one likes you. It's that you're so bland, it wouldn't

even occur to anyone to bother to remember to dislike you. Mark, your beard and mustache are a metaphor for you eventually touching someone of the opposite sex. I mean, you might get close one day, but some things aren't meant to be. All right.

And Sam gave us 250 bucks to roast his friend, Nigel. All right. So Sam tells us that Nigel is into making money with cryptocurrencies, which makes that right now. Not this weekend, he doesn't. Well, no, I mean, it makes sense. I think you've been spelled losing. Did you short that shit really hard in the Chicago Mercantile? Doubt it. Well, you know, it actually makes sense because the only successful pickup line that Nigel would ever use is,

I'm that billionaire you read about on the internet. Nigel, you look like you play mandolin for your real dolls from what i read nigel had to enter into a contract with sam to get work done the penalty on the surface i guess if he didn't get the work done was that nigel would have to donate five thousand dollars to charity but that's not the real penalty. The real price, and Nigel, buddy, you're paying it every day, is that you are an impossibly stuck adolescent whose only sense of motivation and responsibility is still based on a child's version of

daddy will be mad if I don't empty the dishwasher. When nothing happens for you in your life, and it won't, it will be because that's exactly what you've earned, you lazy fuck. All right, Noah, this one's perfect for you. Sterling gave us $275 to roast his old church. Yeah, no, and it's the New Life Mega Church in Colorado Springs, no less. Fantastic.

The one that bred Ted Haggard out for snorting meth off the nutsacks of male prostitutes, despite that being the least immoral thing he'd ever done. Yeah, New Life Ministries managed to make Colorado Springs into a shithole, despite being in Colorado and having springs. Fucking service is so boring that when they had a shooting back in 2007, the congregation was just thankful for an action beat. All right, so before we end the day, we wanted to take a moment to thank Heath's favorite donors,

the people who didn't ask us to do any work. Starting with Theodore. I don't really understand that reference. That's a weird reference. Theodore gave us a thousand bucks for the fucking sake of it. Heath is so grateful that he didn't have to do anything. What's that? Also wanted to give a shout out to Joe, Jay, Emma, Ben, Justin, Lauren,

Victoria, Sky, Nicole, Sabrina, Eric, Steven, Wesley, and Ben, who also did not make Heath do any work, but donated anyway. Anyway, and as our way of saying thanks, we'd like to take a moment to list all the stuff that Heath did with that extra time. Okay, you don't have to read everything Eli writes. You can change it and write

your own little setups, whatever. Eli wrote for you to say that. Yeah, but I mean it. He wrote, he knew I would want to say that. Now it's like a double thing. Meta. You're lazy. So I'm going to start us off. Heath used at least some of that extra time to play mandolin for his real doll. It was beautiful. It was a beautiful moment. I'm thinking that Heath probably spent some of that time he saved staring blankly off into the middle distance

and wondering if he could re-wear that one shirt he owns with buttons on the date he scheduled for last night and then slept through. It was in the wash. Not coming to any of the four Thanksgivings he was invited to. I went to one. I'm betting $200. One for Phil. I think he might have spent all that time reconciling his

cellular bill. Yep. Zero minutes used. That's about right. Zero minutes. So finally tonight I'm just kidding. No one wants to talk to you. Ribs that I bought the night before in my car. So finally tonight

Lori donated $2,050 to make her our second biggest donor of the fundraiser and requested a roast of Ted Cruz, specifically his beggary, ever more desperate emails leading up to the midterms. And damn it, that deserves something special. So without further ado, emails from a human person. September 1st, 2018. September 1st, 2018. Dear citizen, it's me, Ted Cruz, your governor and human person with the normal number of organs. Today, America faces many threats. Immigrants, floods, and reporters who look into long-forgotten serial killings when they should just be leaving well enough alone.

But perhaps none of these dangers are more dangerous to us humans, of which I am one of you, than Beto O'Rourke, whose liberal policies are sure to take the money, I mean, lifeblood from our great state of Texas. What makes Texas so great? No, no, I should have phrased that differently what makes Texas so great I'm asking me and my staff tried to think of something for like 22 minutes now and we haven't been able to come up with anything yours without gills Ted Cruz.

October 14th, 2018. Dear citizen, gee, you all seem to really like Beto O'Rourke. Polls say it's because he, quote, doesn't look like sentient pre-cum, unquote. And I hear your words, but ask yourself this. Would Beto O'Rourke let clean the frolic ring of a man who insulted his wife in front of millions of people? Would Beto then go on to beat the shit out of said wife because his human suit malfunctioned during a press conference? No. I take in oxygen and exhale just whatever you guys do.

I do that too. Ted Cruz. November 5th, 2018. Is this what you want? I'm in a band. We play polka at the local Y during square dances. We're hip. Please.

There's literally nothing left for me if I don't go back to the base and tell them that I won. Seriously, they are so mad at me for not winning the presidency. Do you guys want me to hit my wife again? I will. I'll do it. SmartCon 4, Unit J35. I mean, Ted Cruz. November 7th, 2018. Never mind.

I won. I'm the best. Fuck all the Mexicans. I'll eat them first. Also, I'm an alien. And a big thanks to Colin and Lank, who also requested a very human person for their roast as well. So I know that we said that this was our last segment, but we are doing one more official full segment over on Cognitive Distance on their episode

that comes out on December 3rd. Tom Cecil, thanks again for joining us. Thanks for having us. Our pleasure, man. Thanks for having us. Our pleasure, man. Before we raise the drawbridge tonight, I want to remind everybody that the war on Christmas has officially begun. So, you know, report to your muster stations when you're done listening to this or whatever. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd get kicked out of the podcaster camp if I neglected to thank Heath Emmerich for being the sword

in the darkness. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for being the watcher on the wall. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for being the shield that guards the realms of men. I need to thank 2018 for hurrying the fuck up and getting over with so we can get to season eight. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for partnering up with us for Vulgarity for Charity. I need to thank Mark, Dan, and Doug for chipping in as well.

I also want to thank our father-son duo for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. They asked not to be named specifically since, you know, who knows, maybe that kid goes into politics one day, but thanks a ton, guys. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, John, Lance, George, Dina, Ivan, and someone's going to pay for this.

John Lance and George, whose dicks are so long, Stormy Daniels compares them to Rainbow Road, and Dina, Ivan, and someone who have enough sexual magnetism to levitate a train. Together, these six sexy secularists succumb to our successive solicitations to secure our sacrilege this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the wit, vigor, and cool minty taste that it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but we're not high enough on your Christmas list to get money,

you can also help a ton by liking our Facebook page, leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, death threats,

you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. Never overpay again. Are people doing that? Sorry. Are people just like, $800? I don't fucking care. They're just attaching a $100 bill to every letter. Just in case money.

Maybe this one gets there a little early. What? Okay, whatever. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.