The Scathing Atheist - 303: Larry, Curly, and Moses Edition

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

In this week’s episode, we arm ourselves for the War on Christmas, we learn that Barron Trump was conceived while Melania was laying down under a sex-doll of Donald like a handmaid, and Biblepiece Theater will be here to remind you that there are still sixty-five books left in this damn thing. For tickets to our live show in Dallas, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: Check out the Evil League of Teachers blog here: www.evilleagueofteachers.com Headlines: Atheists and Theocrats locked in battle over courthouse decorations: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/03/oh-mayor-reluctantly-removes-christian-displays-saying-atheists-have-a-point/ The War on Christmas is Over. Christmas Lost. https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/29/the-war-on-christmas-is-over-christmas-lost/ India’s Interfaith Couples Now Have Help to Avoid the Wrath of Family Members: https://www.npr.org/2018/11/22/661830695/when-indias-interfaith-couples-encounter-threats-love-commandos-come-to-their-ai https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/23/indias-interfaith-couples-now-have-help-to-avoid-the-wrath-of-family-members/ Hijabs and Yarmulkes Will Be Allowed in Congress, But What About Colanders? https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/26/hijabs-and-yarmulkes-will-be-allowed-in-congress-but-what-about-colanders/ Catholic church: “Oh THESE rapists” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/30/catholic-church-outs-38-nebraska-clergymen-as-credibly-accused-child-sex-abusers/ Trump announced as savior of Christmas and Melania reveals terrifying decorations: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/29/ryan-zinke-donald-trump-is-the-man-who-brought-christmas-back-to-america/ https://www.vox.com/2018/11/27/18113451/melania-trump-white-house-christmas-decorations-meme-2018 This Week in Misogyny: 5 years in jail for a revealing dress https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/02/egyptian-actress-could-spent-five-years-in-jail-for-wearing-revealing-dress/ OK Legislator Files Bill to Put Women in Jail for Life if They Have an Abortion https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/30/ok-legislator-files-bill-to-put-women-in-jail-for-life-if-they-have-an-abortion/ Judge Throws Out Charges Against Doctor Who Mutilated Genitalia of 100 Girls: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/21/judge-throws-out-charges-against-doctor-who-mutilated-genitalia-of-100-girls/

Morning, the following podcast contains adult content, adult language, mild violence, drug use, full frontal nudity, pigeon noises, and unreliable lists. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Sentinelese Tourism Bureau. Are you a Christian missionary without enough money for a return ticket? Then do we have the vacation for you. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, this is Colin from the Evil League of Teachers.

If you did your reading outside of Texas, you will in fact know that we did evolve from filthy monkey men. Eli, Eli, take that out of your... Come see me after class. It's Thursday. It's December 6th, and it's National Microwave Day. Because if you had the will to cook, you wouldn't be doing it for one. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York's Dangler, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, we arm ourselves for the war on Christmas. We learn that Baron Trump was conceived while Melania was laying down under a fucked olive Donald like a handmaid. And Bible Peace Theater will be here to remind you that there are still 65 books left in this

motherfucker. But first, the diatribe. When I get interviewed on other podcasts, people often ask for my atheist origin story. And, you know, I'm more or less concocted something, so I'll have a ready answer when I get the question. But while it isn't exactly untrue, it also isn't descriptive. See, I learned to stop asking that question pretty early on when it occurred to me that almost all the atheist origin stories are A, the same, and B, boring. I mean, they all boil down to some level of, I thought about it for a while, with the only significant variable being the length of the while.

I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but by and large, people don't become atheists so much as they reluctantly admit to it over time. But despite that, people still ask about it so often that I have a prepared answer. And I think the reason is that even atheists sometimes get stuck in that mental trap of treating atheism as though it were another religion, right? Because when people

switch religions, they generally have stories. I mean, consider the famous case of Sammy Davis Jr. He was born and raised Catholic, but late in his life, he converted to Judaism. And the story goes that he'd been good friends with this Jewish dude who gave him some kind of magical Jewish good luck charm. And Sammy Davis Jr. dutifully wore the good luck charm around his neck every day. But one day he forgot it and he got into this terrible car accident that almost killed him. So he started rethinking this whole not being a Jew thing. And while he was recovering, that good friend that gave him the charm in the first place shows up, starts talking to him about how great a Jew he would be. So he converts. And as unusual as the specific circumstances of that are, it's got all the hallmarks of a generic conversion story.

First of all, it's complete bullshit. I mean, I think we all know that if we had some sort of time traveling camera fly or whatever, keeping tabs on Sammy, we'd notice that he forgot that Hebrew rabbit's foot pretty regularly and then went on to not have car accidents. Not to mention all the car accidents he didn't have in the broad pre-Jewish good luck charm portion of his life. Secondly, it makes no fucking sense even by the theology of the religion he's converting to. I mean, in order for that to factor into his decision, he'd have to concoct a God that got so pissed off at him for failing to wear his special necklace that he smote him with a near fatal crash that seems pretty bad even for the god of the hebrew bible plus it's definitely not what the religion itself teaches right i mean

they don't give out these good luck charms and say hey if you forget this god's gonna hurl a half ton of steel at you at 60 miles an hour so be good third it isn't verifiable i mean you know we could run the experiment again but something tells me that if we convince sammy to get behind the wheel for a trip to disneyland without his magic amulet he'd have stayed jewish even if we made it there unscathed if we bother to look at traffic related deaths for people that are and aren't wearing jewish decoder rings i'm pretty sure we'd find no difference and yet people go on being jewish fourth, and perhaps most importantly, it's disingenuous, right? It's actually far less real than the story I give when people ask how I became an atheist.

The real reason he converted is because he had a persuasive friend that sold him on the religion and made it sound cool or fun or like it would fill some hole in his life. He converted because the other religion wasn't doing it for him anymore. In other words, he made the decision the same way somebody chooses to switch insurance carriers, right? But when it comes to religion, you can't admit that you made the decision for mundane reasons without admitting to yourself that it's all a bunch of bullshit to begin with. So instead of saying, you know, I wanted to fuck a Jewish girl or they saved me 15% in just 15 minutes, you have to concoct a story about a car accident you had and then dress it up as sufficiently life-altering to justify something as monumental as changing your faith.

And the fifth hallmark of a religious conversion story, of course, is the one that you've all been waiting for me to say, it's fucking stupid, right? The questions of a religion are things like, where do we come from? What happens when we die? And what's the right way to live in the world? And no matter how bad you fuck up your epistemology, you would never go into those questions saying, well, the best way to answer that is to wait and see which God tries to kill me with a Buick. It's not just logically indefensible. It's logically incoherent.

If we tried to map out this chain of reasoning, I wouldn't even know which variables go on which side of the air go. And yet virtually every religious person you meet has a story that will contain all five of those traits, even if they never switched religions. Right. I mean, obviously, the overwhelming majority of religious people were fortunate enough to be born into the correct religion to begin with. But no matter how religious their upbringing was, if you ask a born and bred Southern Baptist how they became a Christian, they'll tell you some dumb ass story about the time they forgot to wear their crucifix

and Sammy Davis Jr. hit him with his car, right? They'll take a term that's already meaningless, like rebirth, and then they'll add an even more meaningless modifier, like spiritual to it, so that they can share in that eureka moment when they realized in a moment of abject humility that they had been right all along right but atheists don't have those stories if you ask an atheist how they came to be an atheist and and you're not a

character in a christian movie and we know you're not because i'm allowed to finish a sentence they'll generally provide you with arguments they found persuasive rather than dead moms and out of body experiences i mean if they were really religious going in they might have had some provide you with arguments they found persuasive rather than dead moms and out-of-body experiences. I mean, if they were really religious going in, they might have had some interesting stories about how they overcame their programming, but the catalyst in every single case I'm aware of was logic. And when you think about it, even that fact alone basically proves us right in the eyes of a truly objective third party, right? Because nobody has a story about the time they came to believe in gravity or the time heliocentrism revealed itself to them. The only true atheism origin story begins 13.6 billion years ago when God started not existing.

Joining me for headlines tonight are overworked Bulgarians Heath Enright and Eli Bosnickfellas. We still have a lot of vulgarity for charity to wrap up, so before we start the headlines, how about we give Dustin a roasting on behalf of Jared? Dustin looks like he became a dermatologist just for the skin masks. He clearly has to drive several towns away and go to a bunch of different stores to buy lotion and baskets at this point. There's no way around that.

Dustin looks like if Doogie Howser was a gynecologist, he looks like he's received multiple warnings for leaving Warhammer figurines inside patients. And everyone who does that is bad, Eli. All right. In our lead story tonight, it's that time of year again the time of year when tinsel springs forth from trees and the same 11 songs are being played

on every public speaker in the country the time when your significant other has no idea what they want but still manages to be disappointed by what you get them thank you here where you rank your friends and family with a dollar value and learn things like, I like Andrew $100 worth, but I only like Tom $40 worth. I was fishing for the numbers. I love it. Such a weird one.

What are you guys doing for a living? And of course, it's also the time of year where atheists and theocrats do battle over the decorum of courthouses across the nations in what the theocrats call the war on Christmas and the rest of us call basic adherence to the First Amendment. Don't forget, it's also a chance to remind everyone that the war on Christmas was created by Henry Ford and pamphlets about the Jewish menace. So, you know, that's always a fun time for me. by Henry Ford in pamphlets about the Jewish menace. So, you know, that's always a fun time for me.

And then revived by Donald Trump with tweets about the Jewish menace, which is Michael Cohen. But we each have our own. And even though we're still early in the campaign, of course, we already have at least one confirmed kill to tell you about. And that would be the nativity display in Dover, Ohio. So this victory comes to us via an intrepid local who said, hey, the city's been putting up a nativity display at a Ten Commandments monument on public property. And also the FFRF who said the hell they are. After being informed of a longstanding tradition in the town of ignoring the non-gun parts of the Bill of Rights,

the FFRF sent a letter to the city asking the displays be removed from public property the city relented but not without some whining despite the fact that all they had to do was move the display several yards away to the nearest fucking church i'm picturing christians angrily muttering to themselves like teenagers cleaning a room yes Yes! Drag a nativity scene a foot and a half. Take the fucking sheep and kill them. I dropped it. Just a giant row of nativity stuff and confederate statues along

the property. You know my real dad, I hate you. Worse. Alright, so in a statement about the begrudging recognition of church state separation dover mayor richard hummerghausen said quote they have a point they being us but it's been that way for eons so just leave us alone and quote apparently believing that the statute of limitations clock begins when you start the crime rather than when you stop it. The city's law director, Douglas O'Meara, went even further, urging the city to piss away taxpayer dollars fighting the FFRF on this and even dubbed the threatened lawsuit extortion in a statement he made after the city ignored his advice and acquiesced.

Yeah. Picturing a mobster. Gee, it sure would be a pity if you went to jail for breaking the law. Wait, sorry, what? Pauly, Pauly, show him what happens. Show him what happens, Pauly. I fill out this legal complaint. You want me to show him that?

Intriplicate motherfuckers. And speaking of which, you might be wondering how real is the war on Christmas? And it'll come as no surprise that the answer is not fucking real, even a little. Nope. So, for example, a new poll from the Morning Consult was published this week with grave news for Christian warriors. Because, as I hinted, nobody gives a fuck about their made up fight over what the tired teenager at checkout says to you. Well, OK, but if if nobody giving a fuck means that you're not at war, then the war on Afghanistan ended 14 years ago. Right. Did it

not? I got to check in with those guys. Anyways, according to the poll, 49 percent of adults said it makes no difference to them if the places they shop say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. And 42% of adults say they would be more likely to shop at a store that says Merry Christmas. However, contrary to their insane paranoia, less than 3% of adults said they would be less likely to shop at a place that said Merry Christmas. And the big takeaway from that poll, by the way, is that 42% of Americans are full of fucking shit. Oh, the happy holidays thing

will dissuade you even when finding out that your phone case was literally bought from the skulls of Indonesian orphans wouldn't do the trick. If any moral calculus factored into American buying decisions, our two largest retailers couldn't exactly be Amazon and Walmart, now could they? And by the way, does this like kick in on a certain day

for these people? Like between, you know, just goodbye and Merry Christmas? Yeah, right. Like they go to Walmart on November 30th and they walk out and realize now it's after midnight and they just like run back in and start yelling

at a mentally disabled person at the door just like, the fuck did you say to me? Goodbye? Are you fucking kidding me? Goodbye? Fuck you.

This is what you get for not being in the army for long enough. Now you're probably wondering what about christmas itself how many windows are darkened for fear that jeff blackwell will sneak under their doorframe and rape everyone who dares to dream of sugar plums well the answer according to the pew research center is also fucking nobody according According to Pew, 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas, though, to the Christmas Warriors argument, less than half celebrate it religiously, which tells us what we already knew. The war isn't on Christmas. It's on bullshit.

And that is a battle religious bigots are more than welcome to continue losing. Oh, they will they will and in cast aspersions news apparently india noticed me paying attention to them recently so they decided to send me on a roller coaster of mixed signals that ended with deafening silence in my apartment by myself so yeah we're gonna say say that was India's fault today. Okay, I was going to say. We can't just... Yeah, it was like,

deafening silence in my apartment by myself is to Heath Enright as happily ever after was to the Grimm brothers, I do believe. Yeah, so first, I read about a blasphemy complaint that was filed against Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey for taking a picture while holding up a

sign with an anti-cast system message during his visit to india last month and now he's being charged with a federal crime there so that was a bad signal well then he was being charged with that federal crime exactly with that particular federal federal crime in india yeah but then i read about the sentinelese islanders who killed that idiot preacher from alabama so you know good signal they're smiling at me again i'm smiling back everything's going good but then i read about the team of commandos that people need if they're having an interfaith or intercast marriage and that's when the attractive man with six-pack abs who is standing right behind me walks past and takes his shirt off for no reason and starts making out with india right in my face roller coaster i don't think this metaphor

is working so much as it is crying out for help i think it's working okay i'm sorry crying out for help is your happily ever after never mind never mind the last i think it's working okay i'm sorry crying out for help is your happily ever after never mind never mind the last i like it get him a shirt in terms of the mixed marriage thing uh i was being serious when i used the word commandos yeah here's how it works as a group old people in india are kind of like old people here in the United States. They prop up religion and they fuck up politics. But there's one other twist. They're also extra murdery in India, especially when their kids try to get married outside of their religion or outside of their caste and therefore bring shame upon the whole family. So those crazy old people murder the kids.

These are called honor killings and they don't happen much in Canada, for example. It appears to be mostly an Islam and Hinduism thing. And activists are estimating thousands of these every year just in India alone.

Okay, sorry, I gotta go back. The old people are killing people? I mean, how old? Because I'm pretty sure anyone but Heath can take their grandma. This might be the victim's fault, is what I'm saying. I could not, that is correct.

Right, none of us can take your shit out of me. Now, I want to be clear here, though. We Americans are way more murdery overall than Indians, right? No, specific, right? No, no, specific, right. Yeah, but when we kill our families, it's for secular reasons, like insurance money or something, but we're still winning. Reasonable, good, logical, database killing.

Exactly. So you can move to Colorado and it's best for everybody. Lots of reasons. Oh, Jesus Christ dude alright so ah cool she doesn't listen she doesn't listen to this part of the show

she doesn't so that brings us to the good news I guess but uh it's also the bad news so yeah I mean that's kind of India's thing good news got bad news don't pick it's also the bad news so yeah i mean that's kind of india's thing right yeah good news got bad news don't pick it's the same here it is the good news is that there's a team of

commandos to stop a few of those honor killings in india the bad news is that there exist commandos to stop a few of those honor killings in India. And one of these teams is called literally the love commandos and their stories are absurd and tragic. Young couples are literally like diving over fences in the middle of the night and throwing away their cell phones to avoid tracking and getting moved into windowless safe houses for months at a time. And they just stay there until there's a way to sneak them out of the country undetected by the crazy old people. I mean, honestly, hearing these stories, I am really glad my father-in-law didn't know this was an option. Really, really glad.

really glad despite honor killings being a thing for about like ever uh india just started keeping track of them in 2014 and the government claims there were 71 honor killings in 2016 that's their most recent data and again they're fucking liars. Yeah. They're refusing to count thousands of reports about young couples, you know, accidentally falling on a machete over and over. So just to be clear, 71 is India's sugarcoated number of people killed because their family was made criminally insane by Hinduism or maybe Islam. Yeah. It's the sugar-coated number. You take away one thing from the show today.

And in Ministry of Silly Hats news tonight, the newly elected Democratic House majority has wasted no time in tackling the big issues facing our nation in the coming year. Climate change. Reproductive rights. Climate change. Reproductive rights. Climate change. Yes. The Mueller investigation.

Ooh, ooh. Climate change. No. Close. Close. It's magic hats. Magic hats. I was about to say magic hats.

I was just going to say climate change again. Yep, that seems important. So thanks to a rule instated in 1837, headwear of any kind has been forbidden in the halls of Congress. However, lately, a lot of people have pointed out that that rule has been more of a, you know, happy coincidence for people who don't like hat-wearing religions. You know, the not Christian religions. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I feel like the lack of hats is the reason Christianity is winning globally, right?

Like, it's hard not to look like the reasonable one when you're the only one who isn't wearing matching hats as though Eli organized a team sport. Well, have no fear. A newly elected rep, Ihan Omar, a Muslim woman who wears a headscarf, has proposed to put an end to the ban and when asked if she would also consider allowing her colleagues to wall her up inside a house if

she spoke out of turn to her husband her response was quote come on you don't come on we all know i'm doing the lying thing let me do the lying thing you guys guys are being jerks. End quote. In related news, I am a bigot, and I don't get to tell people what words mean. Yeah, right. No, I'm with you, Eli. Look, if it's not just a religious exemption, I'm fine with it. Honestly, I'm fine with it, too, as long as they respect my nudist religion that I'm currently talking to Cory Booker about joining. And Bernie. He comes up with everything in between his pecs.

He just like releases the paper. Yes. I'm talking about Bernie, of course. Now, there is a silver lining to this story, which, you know, to atheists, this story kind of feels like when you hear your uncles marrying his 21 year old girlfriend you know you're like ah good for you but also gross and it'll gross like but happy for you but gross you should know it's gross i don't know that's what it's like anyways anyway that silver lining is cowboy themed stripper and my favorite member of the house of representatives frederica wilson who has made her opposition to the hat man as clear as her

promise to bring her fantastic collection of rhinestone cowboy hats through the halls of Congress. Oh, that's fantastic. Just the one lady with the headscarf and a naked Kentucky Derby for the rest of them. Let's fucking do this. I want to see that. It's amazing.

It's a great Congress. Honestly, as an atheist, that is all we need. I don't need a satanic congressman with a hat made of milk. I just need everyone who wears a yarmulke or a hijab after this ban is raised to be seated next to representative wilson so she can turn to them

and just be like yeah right hats this is how we look awesome i make laws i am incredibly important to both history and modern day look at it you can see in the dark while we cope with the fact that there is literally no attire that could make us as a nation take our congress any less seriously we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a whore is what she if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fine hey i'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. I'll admit that since I started doing this segment, my prognosis for the future has gotten worse and worse. And that revelation first occurred to me when I saw the story of Rainia Yosef, an Egyptian actress that faces jail time over a sexy dress. The dress in question was worn to the Cairo Film Festival and had the audacity to show her legs through a translucent skirt.

And now she faces five years in prison for illegal possession of legs because Egyptian authorities say her appearance, quote, did not meet societal values, traditions, and morals, and therefore undermine the reputation of the festival and the reputation of Egyptian women in particular, end quote. Yeah, you wouldn't want Egypt looking like

a bunch of assholes on the international stage. But seriously, how far off of that level of misogyny are we in America? I mean, yes, we are way ahead at the moment. I'm not trying to draw an equivalency here, but I feel pretty confident in saying that half of our major political parties look at this story and say, well, the dress was pretty slutty. And if that seems a bit hyperbolic to you, allow me to draw your attention to Oklahoma State Senator Joseph Silk, who has pre-filed a bill called the Abolition of Abortion in Oklahoma Act, which would give all fertilized eggs the same, quote, powers, privileges, justice, and protections, end quote, as adult humans. And a few years ago,

when I first started this segment, I'd have probably made some joke about how silly this was since the good old Supreme Court would squash the shit out of this dumbass law should it ever pass. But nowadays, I'm thinking, well, Egypt is probably pretty lovely in December. I mean, shit, even when we pass laws to protect women's rights, we manage to fuck it up as often as not. You remember that story of Jumana Nagarwala, the doctor in Michigan that all of the Muslims were taking their daughters to to have their clit slopped off?

Yeah, well, it turns out that she didn't break the law when she mutilated the genitals of over 100 young girls. A judge tossed out the charges against her, and now she's free to rush off and treat prepubescent genitalia like Thanksgiving turkeys all she wants, apparently. Now, I want to be clear that this wasn't because of some religious freedom argument. She's Muslim and religious freedom arguments don't work for them. It turned out that the law she was being charged under was a federal law that hadn't been tested before. And since it relied on

the interstate commerce clause and she didn't later sell the clips over state lines, the judge ruled that the law itself was unconstitutional and even expressed sympathy for the goals of the law when she did so. Now, in a perfect world, the laws regarding mutilating the genitals of children would, you know, just be the same as the laws about mutilating anybody. But for reasons I don't need to explain to you, they have their own special subsection in the legal world. So while I get on the horn with Andrew and find out what parts of

Dr. Nagarwala I am and am not allowed to mutilate in the state of Michigan, I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Nebraska stupid question news tonight, the Catholic Church in Nebraska recently published a list of 38 clergymen who have been credibly accused of sexually abusing children in my lifetime, a revelation surprising only in that it means that there are at least 76 people in Nebraska unless they were all raping the same kid. The list came to light after Nebraska Attorney General Doug Peterson, a confirmed 77th person, reached out to the three Nebraska diocese in the wake of the Pennsylvania report and said, hey, do you have a list of known child rapists that you've been keeping from the public? And of course they did.

What? The list? No, no, we don't have any list. I can see it in your hand. You're holding. Joel, this list of known child rapists. This list? Is that what you said?

As in you have more than one so okay like can this not count as asking everybody like do we need a letter yeah okay here it is dear entire church of christianity and you know what all the other ones too and everybody just everybody are you hiding more rapists yeah buddy hiding more rapists we asked now it's like investigating a fucking monkey's paw with these assholes oh but you didn't say pretty please okay so it's worth noting that all the names on the list just so happen to be beyond the statute of limitations what are the odds that they would have stopped raping exactly then but but the point i'm making is that the Nebraska diocese weren't giving up the names of active rapist priests.

And we know that because we know of at least one credibly accused active priest whose name didn't get included on the list. So 38 is the number they had handy that wouldn't get them in trouble. Right. Which means that there was a which rapists that we know about are safe to put on the list day. Yep. He did that. Yep.

Big whiteboard. You're like, okay, which rapists are we admitting to today? Should I write that at the top? Write it at the top, yeah. Do we need a title for this? Just have your chart? Okay, I'm going to write it at the top.

Thank you. All right, so Omaha's Archbishop, whose name is George Lucas, just in case episodes one through three hadn't sullied that name sufficiently, released a statement where he promised the church would seek a, quote, more specific code of conduct, end quote, to help avoid the problem later. Because you know how you go to the pool and it says no running, no diving, no horseplay, and that leaves it totally ambiguous as to whether or not you're allowed to rape the kids? It's like that.

He's going to close that loophole. Two votes. And finally tonight, we'd like to wish everyone a happy Hanukkah. And the President of the United States would like to say, fuck you. Go back to New York. He gets confused pretty easily. And so does his entourage. The latest example came last week when Trump was being introduced by Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke before the White House tree lighting.

Zinke, who looks like he's always in a commercial for a gun that cures erectile dysfunction, took the stage and announced the president as, quote, the man who brought Christmas back to America. Yeah, see the fucking Cindy Lou Who of American politics. Well, I'll tell you what, he certainly brought a hell of a Christmas to the Zinke household. Yeah, he is the white and black spy, the guy. He's like, I fell in a mound trap. Yeah, so while Donald was busy fighting a cartoon Grinch inside his own head,

was busy fighting a cartoon Grinch inside his own head. Melania, on the other hand, was putting together the White House Christmas display. What the fuck was that? Which is apparently a standard activity for the First Lady over the years. And I guess I never heard about this before because we've never had a First Lady completely abandon stuff like, you know,

tree based Christmas trees. Instead for a goddamn nightmare inside an acid trip inside a nightmare inside an acid trip inside a fucking nightmare. There is literally no way for her to even order this stuff without using the phrase dystopian hellscape of creepy red cones. It's impossible for her not to have said that. It's crazy. It's like she's an evil robot

that sees the world in nothing but basic shapes and murdery colors. She can put this together. It's like the aftermath of a crossover episode between Sesame Street and the Saw franchise. Just in case you missed it, the internet agrees with us that this was absolutely horrifying. This is like the five-year-old kid doing a finger painting of a crucified puppy and bringing it home for you.

But she's a grown-up. So until John and Jane Q Public realize they need to vote correctly, I guess we're going to be seeing the white house turned into a museum of bloody suppositories used by a race of anemic giants every December. That's going to be standard. All right. Well, since Heath suppository line managed to encapsulate both the display and the

cabinet in one tidy sentence, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath Eli. Thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll get Mosaic up in this bitch. Welcome back to Skew VC. I'm a woman who's made of dust.

And I'm a man who hits his wife. Okay, you're just tuning in, we have completely sold out of the gorgeous honeysuckle diamond brooches. Please stop calling. They are gone. They will never be back. Done. You missed your chance. Kill yourself.

Hope they have them in heaven. I don't know what to tell you. Exactly, woman. Now, our next item is something really special. Look at this. Check it out. Can we get a close-up on that there it is it's god awful movies live in dallas texas january 12th that's right this

fantastic live show is the perfect gift for anyone in your life who loves to laugh if i laugh my face will break you laugh i'll break your face great shut the fuck up all right we got normal tickets here can we get a back shot there look at that we got vip tickets and platinum tickets these are just perfect for that special someone y'all you just stuff it in their stock and stuff it in their stocking that's right but it gets better buy a vip or a platinum ticket before december 15th and we'll record a very special holiday greeting for the recipient oh that's wonderful isn't it so just purchase your vip or platinum ticket send us who we're sending the message to at godawfulmovies at gmail.com and you'll have the perfect gift to stuff in your stocking well okay fantastic thank

you uh it's 4.30 a.m., which means the sad man with the sword collection is coming in. We all like to vacate before he gets here. Again, that's Godawful Movies live in Dallas, Texas, January 12th. Oh, shit. Yeah. Think in the show notes. Yeah. Sword guy's here.

They're collector's items. That you stab people with. Oh, yep. I'm gonna get one. You know, we've insulted a lot of people over the last few weeks, both here and over on Cognitive Dissonance. But if there's one thing our listeners have made super clear, it's that we haven't insulted enough. With Vulgarity for Charity being such a big success, we've got quite a few overflow insults still to get to, so while we're between bits, I figure we could knock out a few of them,

starting with a $500 donation we got from Jim to roast the state of Missouri. Missouri's violent crime rate has skyrocketed in the last few years, despite still being one of the friendliest states in the Union. My theory? The nicest thing you can do to

someone who lives in Missouri is to kill them. Put them out of their misery? I thought you were going to say a pun with the state. That's cool. That's on you. It's your thing. Do you bait me with that? Are you fucking kidding me?

Shave and haircut. I'm not saying it. I'm not saying it. I'm not doing it. All right, Missouri. You look like a diabetic chef's torso. Like, literally. Look at him now.

You look like a diabetic chef's torso. That's what you look like. It looks like Georgia got east cancer. Like, cancer of the Southeast of the state. Oh, Jesus. Missouri is so terrible that its largest city is trying to be coy about which state it's in. Right.

And its second largest is named after a 13th century French King that shat himself to death while losing at a crusade. Not a great start. All right. Matthew gave us 250 bucks to roast his ex, CJ. Okay. So in the picture we got, CJ's standing proudly in the Carlo Rossi, Alize, and Franzia aisle of a wine store.

I knew that was going to make it into your world. But yeah, you can barely make out her body in the shot. And that's because she looks like boxed wine was a person. If it wasn't for the bag of Capri Sun Merlot or whatever the fuck she's holding, she must have grabbed that in a different section. She'd be completely invisible if not for that. But then I actually, actually found a solution. I held up a Kraft single in front of my screen, and she lit right up in contrast to my amazing cheese taste.

And that's when I found out she looks like Conan O'Brien dressed up for Halloween as a cunt. Yeah, no, in this picture, she looks like Inspector Gadget's trying to sell insurance with sex appeal. I don't know. Matthew, I don't want to blame the victim, but you dated a can-I-speak-to-the-manager haircut on the face of Crivella DeVille. What did you expect? She looks like the kind of girl who insists her boyfriend go on whatever diet she's on, which, in her case, looks like the heart of the woodsman who betrayed her. on, which in her case looks like the heart of the woodsman who betrayed her. All right.

Next up, Amber gave us 330 bucks to roast her terrible teacher, Jennifer. Oh, I got this. Hey, Jennifer, look, I'm as sorry as you are that marrying for money didn't work out. But if you're not going to teach your class, at least do us a favor and become a youtube nutritionist right like you look like sentient teeth grew a white woman so they could roam the earth fucking up people's education oh god she looks like a featured instructor from the great horses jennifer looks like she was created in a genetics lab by fox news as a mascot for their female anchors. But the first design came out way too attractive. So she was very intentionally engineered down

from a seven to a five. Like she's exactly scientifically mediocre. It's amazing. Like if she's ever a fugitive from the law, she could walk into literally any Walmart in the Midwest and everyone would be like I am Spartacus and she would say alright we got a few special requests

here first up Atheist with two S's would like you two to roast each other cause he quote likes it when they fight oh okay um Keith is that friend who hits his girlfriend fuck you and doesn't understand why he's single guys who hit their girlfriends care Oh, okay. Keith is that friend who hits his girlfriend. Fuck you. And doesn't understand why he's single.

Except guys who hit their girlfriends care. Oh, gosh. So it's not a correct. That's really dark. Okay. Well, first of all, guys who hit their girlfriend aren't single. Your premise is stupid. That doesn't even make sense.

Defeated. All right. Well, the point I'm making, it's a bad, it doesn't matter. I got off track. Okay. When did you stop beating your life no it's not i want to be very clear i've never physically contacted a woman in any sort of negative way anyway or any way at all really this well if it's same thing so eli speaking of which eli looks like linus after rehab like a where are they now about linus from peanuts after being a child star and then doing meth for 20 years and then

replacing the meth habit with bread i'm assuming and somehow he looks like he's 5, 30, and 80 all at the same time. It's amazing. And at any moment, he might die. He's like Schrodinger's fat. Best not to look at him for a bunch of different reasons. Fantastic. Okay, Noah, Brian would like you to roast his parents.

Okay, I cannot imagine there is a single picture of either of these two humans where they don't look like they're just now realizing they fucked up this crossword beyond saving. That's clearly what's going on in the picture, but you can't imagine their faces anyway. Okay, so Cheryl, Gary, listen up. Brian isn't your fucking religion. He will never be your religion no matter how many unimpressive coincidences you describe in florid fucking language. no matter how many unimpressive coincidences you describe in florid fucking language what's more you should be happy about that because it means that whatever else you fucked up you at least

managed to squirt out an offspring that won't fuck things up as bad as you did okay finally heath alex would like you to roast his guide dog cosby okay yeah so so Alex decided to skip the picture like we told everybody to send a picture. He decided to skip that because he didn't want to hear visual jokes because he's a selfish blind person. Oh, jeez. And instead, he just wrote

a really long explanation about Cosby including a description of Cosby's color. So, liar, goldbreaker. This guy fucking sees. Anyway, the rest of the email was all about how great Cosby is as a guide dog. And he sounds fucking amazing. But apparently he's not great enough to take a fucking selfie, which is simple.

Real easy. Learn to take a selfie. Also not great enough to lead his master into piles of wet dog shit until he gets a name that's not a notorious serial rapist is that you mention it all right well tell you what there's still plenty of more vitriol where that came from so if you haven't heard your insult yet keep listening here and over at cognitive dissonance because i can't promise much but i guarantee you that as long as blood courses through our veins, we'll still have more insults to get to. Ah, Exodus, the Ryan Lochte of holy books whose untruths would spread and grow until

they formed a whole new religion, a book almost too nonsensical to even rise to the level of ahistorical. But if you're going to live with the consequences of this book existing, you deserve to have it explained using sound effects. So without further ado, we're pleased to present Bible Peace Theater. Now there arose up a new king over egypt which knew not joseph hi you must be the new pharaoh yes i am hi i'm kyle uh part of the transition team here oh cool cool i remember this character from uh mormon peace theater right it's fun so uh you found your throne and stuff uh that's great quick question what do

you want us to do with the jews um the jews yeah they're they're the children of this guy who used to work for your predecessor as like an accountant and now they're just they are all over the place. Right, but they're not Egyptians? No. I mean, they seem like they kind of do their own thing. What have I got about them here? Oh, they really like to pretend their wife is their sister. Oh, like as a role play thing? No, usually as like a trap or a trick when they're traveling. What's a role play thing? How would that be a role play thing? No, usually it's like a trap or a trick when they're traveling.

What's a role play thing? How would that be a role play? Never mind. It's not important. Okay. Well, that doesn't sound great. Maybe we, I don't know. What if we make them slaves?

Ooh, make them slaves. I like it. I like it. Great. Great. Yeah, let's do that And maybe kill all their male children I'm thinking

Male children, got it Is that because there's a prophecy About one of them taking you down or something? Nope, nope Just, you know Getting rid of the competition The baby competition? Yeah, I got a whole plan.

Okay, just keep writing everything I say down. Okay, yep, fine. Getting rid of the competition. Exactly. As babies. As babies, yes. Lou, Lou, Lou doing Pharaoh's stuff. Pharaoh's stuff is my favorite stuff.

Knock, knock. Oh, hey, Kyle, right? Oh, look at you, Mr. Good with names. So, bad news. The Jewish midwives we told to kill all the babies, you remember them? They did not. Wait, what? Why not?

It is unclear, but their god gave them houses. Their god gave them houses? That's what the book says, gave them houses. How does that even work? What does that mean? Well, it works like this. Hello and welcome to House Finders. Shmuley and Yahal are a couple who live just outside of Egypt and are looking for a dream home. I'm a carpenter.

And I'm a midwife. And our budget is some pots that we stole from a dead guy. They're nice. Nice pots. With a limited budget of some pots we stole from a dead guy, let's see what they were able to find. Well, God gave me a beautiful two-bedroom, open windows, and a Spanish kitchen. And I'm pretty invested in converting

this old firehouse shaped like a horse. Will Shmuley and Yahu make it work? Find out after these not commercials because you're watching this on Netflix. And there went a man of the house of Levi and took to wife a daughter of Levi, and the woman conceived and bared a son. Wah! Wah! Wah!

And when she saw him, that he was a godly child, she hid him three months. Okay, I'll keep him. And when she could no longer hide him, she took for him an ark of bulrushes. Mama! And put the child therein and daubed it with slime and with pitch. Mama!

The ark, not the baby. Sorry, sorry. And she laid it at the flags by the river's brink and stood afar off to wit what would be done with him. Loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, doing fair's dollar stuff. Fair's dollar stuff is my favorite stuff. Wah, wah, wah. What's this? A baby?

I'll keep it. Hey, hey. Me? Yeah, yeah. Is this? A baby? I'll keep it. Hey, hey. Me? Yeah, yeah. Is this your new baby? If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that. Also, why is he in blackface? Ibid. Okay, well, you go wean him and I'm going to ask my brother if I can keep him. I should be so lucky.

What? No. Oh, please, oh, please. Oh, please. No, no. I did. I did a whole killing Jew babies thing already. It's true. He has a whole thing. No, quiet, Kyle. I just want this one Jew baby. You can kill all the others. Fine. Fine. Yeah. I'm going to call him Moses, you know, because he came out of the water. What? I don't know, man. It's what the book says. And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out into his brethren and looked on their burdens,

and he spied an Egyptian smiting a Hebrew, one of his brethren. Take that! Ow! That! Ow! That! Ow. That. Ow. You stop right there, you son of a bitch. I, Moses, will not

stand by and watch another suffer. Dude, what the fuck is this? Yeah, everything can't be a voice. Okay. One, yes it can. Two, this is real. There's a long rabbinical tradition that Moses had a lisp. Really? Yeah, yeah. Check the book. Check say one. Yes, it can. Two. This is real. There's a long rabbinical tradition that Moses had a lisp. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Check. Check the book. Check the book. Yeah. No, they say that's why he needed Aaron to do the talking for him. Woo.

Voices. Let's add him to the other show. You said it'll be less work. You said it. I am not having this conversation again. That. That. That. That. That. That.

Hey, say, is that a cop behind you there? Um, no. Sucks for you then. Quick, I need your assistance burying him in the sand. I'm sorry, in the what? The sand, man, the sand.

What's the sand? I don't understand what you're saying. There's going to be a lot of the thith and ther. Yeah, this is our kind of bit. Pharaoh! Yes, um, Kyle. Right, so, quick thing. You remember Moses, right? Oh, yeah. My, uh, my sister's, like, kid project thing.

Yes, so, he killed a guy. What? Bring me to him. I will smite him down. Oh, absolutely, Pharaoh. He's fled to Midian, so I'll just gather up your troops and then we'll head over the...

Oh, he's... He's all the way up in Midian? Yeah. Ooh. That's, uh... That's far. That's really far. I mean, it's that's far that's really far I mean it's kind of far on second thought I just had a different idea

honestly I think it's going to be fine he's over there doing his thing in Midian that's far I think he gets it though we don't need to go and do a whole thing about it you just don't want to go all the way to Midian. I do not.

No. Okay. Now the priests of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and filled the troughs to water their father's flock. Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here. I need this water for my flock. Okay, okay.

I'm going, stupid shepherds. Excuse me, myth. I couldn't help but see that you and your seep need sustenance. You can water your seep over here if you see it fit. I mean, that sentence just about did it. You want some water or not? Yes, please. Zipporah, my daughter, you're home early.

Oh, yeah, this guy let me water my flocks on his land. Well, that was nice of him. I know, right? I was thinking maybe we, you know, send him over a fruit basket or a note or... I think I'll give you to him as a wife. Or we can give me him as a wife. That's great. Cool.

But okay, like, is it a lie if you want it to be true? Still, yes, yes. Sarah, Sarah, where are you? I need you. Oh, hello, Tyler. Or should I say, Satan? Hey, God. What are you doing up here anyway? This is my place. I was getting bored. My spot is empty.

You don't even have a kid yet. Um, spoilers. La, la, la, la. Couldn't hear what you just said. Yeah, Tyler, come on. She hasn't even have a kid yet. Um, spoilers. La, la, la, la. I couldn't hear what you just said. Yeah, Tyler, come on. She hasn't even read the book yet. Anyway, Sarah, I need some help. I'm going to reveal myself to Moses. Oh, awesome.

So, come on. Hit me. Ideas. I want to make a huge first impression. I want to make him crazy. Okay, um, how about a, crazy. How about a bush that catches fire?

Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. You could just pull up in a 2014 Mitsubishi. You could hand him the cure to all diseases and then write, I am God in eternal flaming letters in the sky in a language that everyone can always read. I like the bush thing.

That seems very impressive. Thank you. You just don't want to do the other thing because it's too much work, right? I do not. Okay. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing separate stuff. Separate stuff is my favorite stuff. Holy shit.

Moses. Moses. Ow. Sarah, you forgot to turn the heat down. Sorry. Turn it. Sorry. Turn it on. Holy shit Moses Moses Ow Sarah you forgot to turn the heat down Sorry Turn it Sorry Turn it on

Ah That hurts Anyway Moses Moment's gone Anyway Take your shoes off Um

Cause this is holy ground Yeah sure Whatever Oh okay Oh yeah That's the stuff I'm sorry Did you have something to say?

Give it a second. Okay. Right, uh, go, go. I free my people from Egypt. Tell them I sent you. But, but who are you? I am that I am. Sorry, I, I, did you say you are that you are?

Yes, that is, that's me, that I am. Are what? Nope, I am that I, I am. Which, which I am. Never mind, do you know what? Just go tell Pharaoh to let the people go, all right? And he'll let the people go? No. He's going to say no.

Okay. So then why am I asking? All right. So that when I kill their babies and we steal their stuff, we're still the good guys. Really? Because that doesn't seem like a good guy thing to do. Well, it is. We're still the good guys. Okay. So what if the Pharaoh doesn't believe me? Oh, two words Moses supposes,

magic tricks. I'm sorry, did you say magic tricks? Yeah. Egypt's in Africa. They love magic tricks. They're going to be like, ah.

Okay, I feel like what you just said is very racist. Just do some magic tricks. Trust me, they're going to love them. Okay, but what about my lisp?

Look, Moses, I'm God. I can cure the blind and raise the dead. So you're going to cure my lisp? Nope, I am not. Let me finish. You're going to use your brother, Aaron, as a spokesman. Oh, man. Plus, it will help people listening know which character you are.

I mean, couldn't we just get a bigger cast? You find someone with a microphone and talent. I'm God, not NPR. Fair. Man, we sure have been walking through the desert for a while, huh, Moses? Seriously? This has happened four times already in this book. Hey, don't look at me. I read this shit the first time. Moses.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that your kid? Oh, yes, he is. His name is... I don't give a fuck what his name is. Why isn't he circumcised? I will fucking kill you. Dude, be cool. Be cool. No, no, no. Sarah, Sarah, fuck this shit. I'm gonna kill you and everyone else you know.

I'm gonna kill your fucking dog. I'm gonna kill everyone in your home. Jesus Christ, fine. Fine. Fine. There, better? and dog. I'm going to kill everyone in your home. Jesus Christ, fine. Fine. Blah, blah. There, better? Yeah. Yeah, way better. I'm cool. Sorry about that. I just get

super pissed when I see a force get re-invited. This really happens in the book. It does. It's like a whole thing. Okay, Brother Moses, are you ready? I sure am, Aaron Okay, and then Moses does a magic show for the Israelites And they all worship God again

Oh, oh, I have an idea, I have an idea Hi, I'm Moses, and welcome to MindSpeak. You see this stick? Now it's a snake! MindSpeak! MindSpeak! Okay, I like it, but, you know, when I think magic, I picture more. Hey, hey, kids, it's me, Moses the Magician. No leprosy? Leprosy! Where does the leprosy come from, huh? Hurtful, ancient art form, nuanced, not? Hurtful.

Ancient art form. Nuanced. Not what all magicians or not all magicians. No, no. Lots of ancient art forms. They're walking around bar mitzvahs.

Okay, I will have you know. Guys. Many guys. Okay, compromise. Compromise. How about a magician from when Noah was a kid? Step right up and see the amazing Moses.

He'll turn your water into blood by pouring it on the ground. Pay a penny and get a free house with every ticket. Okay, so that cutaway was an old joke, wasn't it? Yeah, it's an old joke. Oh, hey, Moses. Thanks for coming in. Aaron, you too. Hi, Moses.

You want to do your thing? Yeah. Let my people go. Oh, so that's weird. I felt like you were going to sing it for some reason. I thought you would sing that last thing you said no just want to not be slaves anymore so you know oh okay i hear you um no are you sir yep pretty sure no because because god said that if I... Oh, God said? Well, I didn't realize God had told you.

By all means. No, get out of here. That's fine. Nobody ever told me there. God wants me to not enslave them before. Yeah, man, just get going. It's cool. It's cool.

You want something before you go? You want a cheese plate? You want a doggy bag? You're being sarcastic, aren't you? Yes, yes, I am. Okay, we're going to go. And with the most boring imaginable prequel to Jailbreak underway, we'll take a quick break, but we'll be back soon with more

Bible Peace Theory. Before we don our kerchiefs and caps, I want to remind you that we got tickets on sale now to our live God-awful movie show in Dallas in January. Great gift to hint around for if you're going to be in the area or if you're not going to be in the area, but the area you were planning on being in is shittier in January than Dallas.

You'll find links to tickets in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait, they'll long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Unit, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode wouldn't get a letter on its jacket if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for always keeping his nose to the grindstone even though that seems like a terrible place to put your nose. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for always keeping the pedal to the metal despite the ever-increasing

insurance costs. I need to thank Eli Bosney for always giving 110% because he doesn't do math good. I also want to thank Colin from the Evil League of Teachers for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to peruse the musings of a teacher on his blog, you'll find a link in the show notes. Seems like the least you can do. If I know Eli at all, he is never getting that chalk back. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most amiable atheists, Mangus, Austin, Brad, Terrence,

Derek, Alan, Chris, P. Bledsoe, 63, Kristen, Samara, Prof, Scaramanga, and Trevor. Mangus, Austin, Brad, and Terrence, whose ejaculations create gravity waves. Derek, Alan, Chris, and P. Bledsoe are so sexy, their selfies get flagged as porn

no matter how dressed they are. And Kristen, Samara, Scaramanga, and P. Bledsoe are so sexy their selfies get flagged as porn no matter how dressed they are. And Kristen, Samara, Scaramanga, and Trevor, whose IQs are so high they can only be adequately expressed in A-Left notation. Stole that compliment from Colin of the Evil League of Teachers blogs, passing it off as my own. Feels good to do that to a teacher and not get in trouble. Anyway, together these 12 tantalizingly taught troublemakers took time and treasure to tender a token of tribute to our tawdry truth touting this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us some, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the

homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're not alliterative enough to donate money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, liking our Facebook page, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the

contact page at ScalingAVS.com. Oh my God, that was amazing. Oh my God, that was amazing. Oh my God. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.