The Scathing Atheist - 305: Bitter Pell to Swallow Edition

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

In this week’s episode, we ask “If George Pell molests kids in an Australian forest, does it make a sound?”, we learn about the Bible's take on heteronormative pegging, and we’ll remember those we’ve lost in the War on Christmas. Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Pell convicted of sexually abusing children: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2018/12/top-vatican-official-cardinal-george-pell-convicted-of-sexually-abusing-choir-boys/ Evangelical Christian apologetics on pegging: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/12/conservative-christian-sex-advice-is-surprisingly-kinky-but-still-homophobic/ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/opinion-evangelicals-christian-sex-website-lgbtq-adviceus5c102db7e4b0ac537179acd1?f6 Stephen Curry doesn’t think we went to the moon: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/10/sports/stephen-curry-moon-landing.html TN congressman elect blames vaccines for autism, claims CDC is covering it up: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/12/gop-congressman-elect-falsely-blames-autism-on-vaccines-claims-fraud-at-the-cdc/ Video game “Jesus Strikes Back” gives points for killing gay people: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/17/jesus-strikes-back-video-game-gives-you-points-for-killing-gay-people/ This Week in Misogyny: Iowa Catholic hospital will no longer perform vasectomies or tubal ligations: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/16/a-catholic-hospital-in-iowa-wont-perform-vasectomies-or-tubal-ligations-anymore/ Theologian: Most Indian Christians support priest accused of raping nun: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/18/most-indian-christians-support-bishop-accused-of-raping-a-nun-theologian-says/ Raped teen immigrant denied abortion; offered coloring book: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/19/raped-teen-immigrant-denied-abortion-offered-coloring-books-by-trump-admin/ See the God Awful Mini here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwVpTYez82w

Warning, this is the vulgar atheist podcast your mama was warning you about. Also, you have a weird mom. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Robin Hood. And by Electromagnetic Pulses. The preferred solution to Christmas music saturation. Electromagnetic Pulses. Because noise-canceling headphones are selfish. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hello, this is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Yes, I am dressed like a pilgrim gas station attendant right now, I don't know why. And I'm here to deny any rumors that might be going around that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men? There's no such thing as a monkey. That's ridiculous. That is the official White House stance. It's Thursday. It's December 20th. And it's Go Caroling Day. You throw one water balloon, they never bother you again. I'm just saying.

I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from respect-adjacent New Jersey, Cincinnati swing state, and good husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we ask if George Pell fucks a kitten in an Australian forest, does it make a sound? We learn about the Bible's take on heteronormative pegging. We do. And we'll remember those we've lost in the war on Christmas.

But first, the diatribe. Of all the modern-day Christian apologetics, perhaps none is as pervasive as the argument that somebody's religion gives their life meaning. And I find it odd that so many people would cling to that one, since it's the one argument they have that actually gets worse the more generously you interpret it. I mean, you know, the Gen 1 answer here is that gives my life meaning isn't one of the variables that we use to determine truth value. I'd venture to say that most of the things that might give one's life meaning are untrue, but that kind of misses the point, right? People don't say, my religion gives my life meaning, therefore it's true. They say, my religion gives my life meaning, therefore it doesn't matter if it's true.

So if we want to meet this argument where it is, we have to weigh the value of having a life with meaning versus the value of believing true things. And while that makes their argument harder to defense, it makes it way worse once you do. So, okay, our first challenge here is defining our terms. I'm inclined to say that a life having meaning is a nonsensical notion. You know, I'm sure it's possible to ascribe meaning to moments in one's life, even large swaths of one's life, but the idea that a life is going to have some singular overall meaning is downright teleological. At that point, the argument basically assumes what it's trying to prove by even suggesting a life can have meaning.

But maybe I'm wrong here, right? Like maybe I'm just such a wretched heathen that I can't even comprehend what it would be like to have a life with meaning. So for the sake of the argument, let's grant that A, a life can have meaning and B, that a life with meaning is better than one without it. Even after that, the apologists have a huge hurdle to cross, which is proving that their religion is an effective way to give life meaning. And that's more of an uphill battle than most of these folks realize. We talked a couple of weeks ago about a survey that showed that, you know, when you ask people what gives their lives meaning, they're more likely to say money than religion, even if they're religious. According to self-reports, family, friends, career, and money are all better at giving people's lives meaning than religion, and they don't generally require you to believe untrue things or wake up early on Sunday.

And while that weakens their argument, it doesn't exactly overcome it, right? Because I'm talking about statistics, and they're talking about experience. It may very well be that for most people, family and career are better, but for them personally, religion is the best way to give their lives meaning. But even then, they're confronted by the obvious problem of explaining what that meaning is, right? I mean, based on what I know of God's mysterious ways from watching 175 Christian movies, the meaning of your life might just be to distract someone playing a more important role in God's plan so that they don't get hit by a bus. But of course, this is one challenge they're actually ready for. See, even if you don't know what the meaning is, you can still be comforted by it. They know they're playing a part in God's plan and they know that the plan is perfect. So even if it's just to stop somebody from getting hit by a bus, it means that they've played their

part. And that sounds kind of bullshitty, but it actually checks out logically. If I found out that I was going to be involved in the first manned mission to Mars, there would certainly be particular roles I'd want to play more than others. But even if I didn't know the role, I'd be pretty stoked. Of course, they don't usually have the sense to retreat to that defense, but it doesn't much matter. They'll usually say that the meaning of their life is to spread the gospel and live in Christ's image.

And as lame a meaning as that is, if you think about it, they've got plenty of florid language at the ready to make it seem like a Zelda quest or something. Of course, this directly conflicts with their mysterious ways get out of jail free card thing since they're ascribing intentionality to God while simultaneously holding that one cannot know the will of God. But, you know, they can talk through that by invoking some I know in my heart, Holy Spirit based excuse, even if they don't think of the Mars trip analogy. So at this point, I feel like we're being as generous with this argument as is intellectually possible and a lot more generous than is intellectually warranted. We're accepting half a dozen unstated premises and we're letting them special plead their way out of a couple of

different contradictions. And at that point, we actually find the ugliest possible interpretation of this argument. See, if meaning really is something that's important, so important that it's worth intellectual dishonesty that could be manipulated by a malevolent actor to get there, then how fucking dare you mislead people into thinking they already have it when they might not? You know, if people really do need meaning and this meaning that you offer is held up by an intellectually dubious premise, then what you're really doing is tricking them into thinking the problem is solved when it isn't. I mean, the human body needs food. If I trick you into thinking I'm giving you some, I haven't done you any favors. And to really understand how nefarious this is, you have to consider the context of this apologetic. Again,

this isn't offered up as proof that they're right, but rather it's used to dismiss the argument without reflection. The fact that they brought this up is all but a concession that you made a good point or at least one they can't logically refute or at best to prevent you from doing so in the future. When you think about how knowing works, it occurs to you that you can't always know what you want to know, which means that you're depriving your life of meaning with an illusory meaning that could crumble at any second. And that would be bad enough if they were just doing it to themselves. You don't have to meet a hell of a lot of newly minted middle-aged atheists wondering what the fuck they just did with the first half of their lives to understand how devastating that can be. But the good news is, like I said, we were being way too generous with this argument to begin with. It falls apart way before we get to consequences. The very idea of something can give one's life meaning relies on the misconception that life doesn't have inherent meaning already. Hell, life is where meaning comes from. And that's

self-evident unless you've been force-fed the narrative that we all started as fallen sinners that needed some religion to fix us. Religion didn't give your life meaning. It took the fucking meaning away and then tried to sell it back to you. Joining me for headlines tonight are vulgarians with a backlog heathen right and eli bosnick fellas i got another vulgarity for charity insult to open up eric donated 200 to modest needs for us to roast his brother and his workplace ross okay i mean i think it's fitting that he chose those two because they both look like they should have stayed in a calendar it's like a calendar someone threw away eric's brother you look like a f have stayed in a calendar. It's like a calendar someone threw away.

Eric's brother, you look like a fencing instructor. She tells you not to worry about this. Yeah, so this one was actually fun. I drew a creepy goatee on Mario Paint. Okay. And I told Google Image to work backwards and just figure out what I was talking about. And amazingly, it came up with the picture we got of Eric's brother with his

arm around his next victim in the woods, which is clearly what's happening in that picture. And then it actually rolled me a wooden skee-ball out of my screen that said, call the pre-crime division. He's going to kill that lady. Also, don't shop at Ross. It's

gross. It's gross. While we take care of our civic duty, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Robinhood. Huh. That's cool. Hey, Eli. What you doing there? Oh, I was just thinking of getting into trading stocks and stuff.

So I was actually... Eli, trust me. You don't need a little app to trade stocks. Just follow me. You don't need a little app to trade stocks. Just follow me. Did you have that installed in my room? Yes.

Yes, I did. This is the secret cabal of guys who trade stocks. Eli, meet Kyle Ryan, Ryan Kyle, Ryan Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, and Ryan Kyle. Wow. Are you all really named? Yes. Yes. Yes, they are. Kyle, want to show Ryan Kyle. Wow, are you all really named? Yes, yes, yes, they are. Kyle, want to show them the way?

Sure. So this is your chair. You're going to want to spend eight, nine hours a day in this bad boy. So go ahead and get a model that mixes health and comfort. You're going to want that. Actually, guys, I just downloaded Robinhood. Robinhood? I'm a different person, by the way. What's Robinhood? Robinhood. Robinhood? I'm a different person, by the way. What's Robinhood? Robinhood,

it's an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission free. No, Eli, Heath again, by the way, the way you balance out commissions is by jockeying the hit more to the hanky wazzle. Hanky wazzle, mumble, mumble, hanky wazzle. Guys, I actually don't have to do that because while other brokerages charge up to ten dollars for every trade robin hood doesn't charge commission fees you just get to trade stocks and keep all your profits plus you can make a trade with just four taps on your smartphone so the hanky wazzle what is profits well you can find out for yourself robin hood's giving away a free stock like apple ford orint to help you build your portfolio.

Just sign up at scathing.robinhood.com. That's scathing.robinhood.com. Hmm. Hmm. I'm going to try that out. I'm going to definitely try that out. Kyle, yeah, let's try that out. Ryan. Okay, um, different guy by the way, again. So if you're not going to trade stocks with us, you want to join our

crazy, shouty foosball tournament instead? Uh, no no i think i'm good guys thanks okay whatever you're lost get off the bank get off the bank we are shouting we are shouting about this foosball stop you're not allowed to spin it we obviously said no spinning learn foosball you're not allowed to spin and now back to the headlines in In our lead story tonight, there's a legal tradition in Australia that when a high profile person is convicted of, say, sexually molesting children, but still faces another trial for, say, sexually molesting other children. The court issues a gag order to the media on that first conviction so as not to taint the jury pool in the upcoming trial. Of course, these orders only count if you're an australian news outlet that being said i'm sympathetic to the goal of the

gag order so australian listers just talk amongst yourselves for a moment start paying attention again when you hear eli's strained pun attempt at the beginning of the next story yep and by the way i'll give you guys a topic so you can talk amongst yourselves the drop bear is neither a drop nor a George Pell fucked a bunch of kids sorry I guess I couldn't help it alright so now that the Australians are gone

we can say that first of all the southern cross is a wildly unimpressive constellation it has nothing on Orion and we don't put that shit on all the flags in our fucking hemisphere, people. Jesus. Wow. Feels good to get it out there. Right.

They think we only think of like sharks and badassery when we think of their country. No, no. Also, side note, Cardinal George Pell is a child molesting child molester that molests children. Notice I didn't say allegedly there. That's official. Yeah, that's because that motherfucker was convicted by a unanimous jury last Tuesday. Now, details

are hard to come by at this point because of the gag order, but multiple reports from reputable American sources have confirmed that he was found guilty of molesting two choir boys in the late 90s and will face sentencing in early 2019, which is also when he'll go on another trial for molesting two other boys at a public swimming pool in ballarat a public swimming pool like how does that even happen yeah george pell's just like all right giant game marco polo uh everybody versus me you're all it close your eyes everyone at this public pool close your eyes what okay wait but this gag order is to prevent a jury from being biased in the second trial

is this guy's a convicted rapist not pertinent information they're not going to bring that up convicted molester i'm sure they will it's still going to be like appealed or whatever. So anyway, so we should say Pell is the highest ranking Vatican official ever convicted in the child sex abuse scandal. And that's a title he'll likely retain until we find out that Frankie Doodle Dandy did some diddling of his own. Pell is the third ranking Vatican official, or at least he was until last Tuesday. After that, it was reported that Pell was removed from the Pope's inner inner circle i guess there's a couple of different ways you can take that given the nature of the scandal and to be super clear he was promoted to this position after the allegation that led to this conviction arose and and when you're talking about catholic priests raping children like credible allegation is all but redundant so they gave him this job

knowing full well that he molested kids and yet there will still be catholics after this gag order is lifted yeah and also not for nothing australia but maybe come up with another name for your let's keep quiet about the molesting then gag order a poor taste poor taste australia Poor taste. Poor taste, Australia. And in square peg round hole news tonight, thanks to a recent article by author and sociology professor Kelsey Burke, we got an interesting glimpse this week into the twitchy, pent-up ball of weepy guilt orgasms that is evangelical Christian sex. It's just tears and calm and frantic apologetics. And after reading

a Lee Strobel book for the last year, this brand of apologetics was a genuine delight, to be honest. Because according to Burke's research for her book on this topic, evangelicals have a very active sex advice message

board community. And one of the biggest themes of discussion is pegging really yeah and case that it was not familiar we're talking about christian women delivering butt stuff to their husbands using a strap-on that's a big topic for them evangelicals with latent homoerotic tendencies you don't say i'm serious no wait no wait is it still latent when you have a plastic dick in your ass i think that's fair yeah so apparently there's a whole industry that's basically a weird little christian only version of the sex industry right yeah the only difference is that with theirs the pages are already stuck together when you buy them. Yeah.

So this includes self-help books and advice columns and even Christian-themed online stores for sex toys. And now imagine they're all being run by David A.R. White, and he's getting railed by his wife with a big black strap on. Now you've got a perfect picture of this industry. Yeah, let's just take a moment and envision that. Yeah. Everybody give it a second. Maybe Google David A.R. White

so you got his face right in front of you. Somebody want to Photoshop or maybe a cartoon. Maybe a tasteful cartoon. Do like the Wonder Woman thing. Perfect. Alright. I'm going to give him a couple more seconds take a minute recover so according to uh ms burke these people are all convinced that god just wants them to be happy as long as they're not gay of course well right yeah they're all quite certain that god is

up in the sky being like, all right, well, that better be a woman ramming that large, veiny, rubber dick into David A.R. White's butt. Okay, yes, it's a lady. Enjoy, buddy. Go right ahead. That's proper. You know, between this and soaking, I'm pretty sure we're going to find out that, like, Christians believe if you wrap a towel around your eyes,

their God can't see you. Wait, what's soaking? Is that something? That is a Mormon practice that young Mormons do where they stick their dicks in each other, but then they just like hang out with their dicks in each other. They don't like do anything.

Oh, you mean sex? So it doesn't count. No, they do not mean sex. No, it's Heath. This is Heath. Yes, Heath. Oh, yeah, sex. I like to relax. It's a very relaxing thing. It's very zen.

Sometimes you don't, you know, whatever. So during Ms. Burke's research, she found that Christian people are scouring the internet for advice on how to reconcile the bible with their very natural desire to put stuff in their butts one trend she noticed was that men were constantly pointing out how the dildo they're getting pegged with doesn't really look like a penis that much really it's not penis like apparently there's a demand actually for non-dick-like rubber dicks because that's more Christian. Some guy's just like, it's called a rabbit. Get your mind out of the gutter. Jeez.

All right. But so the good news is if we do lose Pascal's wager, listening to the guys at the gate who actually get in is going to be way more fun than we thought. Wait, wait, hear me out. My wife was wearing that, though. Hold on. Yeah, as you might expect, the other big trend on these sites was also based on homophobia.

Basically, Christian people were using these message boards to write these stupid little essays about how they're actually extra hetero cis because of the pegging really for example one post said quote my dear husband is 100 man throughout whatever the fuck that means like we thought he might have a lady butthole but he loves when i peg him end quote i mean to be fair there is no better punishment for

homophobes that i can think of than them not ever being able to enjoy any fun sex like if i were a sci-fi space judge that might be what i'd order yeah right and that's weird since they're the ones that believe in a sci-fi space judge i feel like they'd be accounting for that more than us right and uh one other example oh good um here it is according to another post from a man who's getting pegged quote i was talking to god about it again um i guess he's been pestering for a while to endorse pegging officially. I was talking to God about it again, and I really felt the Lord say to me, I love what you and your wife have together. End quote.

Dude, take a hint. God wants the devil's three-way. Make it happen. So yeah, God is actually a big fan of pegging himself. If you really think about it, it would be irresponsible to not have your wife blasting you from behind and shoving your face into the pillow. That would be unbiblical to not do that. I'm honestly very happy to hear that certain evangelicals might be finding ways around their weird sexual repression that involves consensual sex with adults.

That's great. Get that rubber dick game. Whatever you gotta do. I'm happy for you. Silver lining around this dildo. And in Space Jam news tonight, you know, as one moves through the world as a skeptic, you start to notice things that might pass by most

people's point of view. Why are so many minion memes racist why can't anti-vax moms tell you what's in their thrive and of course why does so many professional basketball players think we didn't go to the moon right yeah i'm trying to remember back if there was any difference in the scientific knowledge of like my high school teams from sport to sport but there wasn't everybody was stupid just evenly stupid about yeah i do love it though because i feel like lunacy is coming around full circle etymologically and i don't know if that's ever happened before yeah so listeners may remember earlier this year kairi irving received negative press for his

insistence that the earth was flat and that the moon landing was faked. And apparently none other than basketball person who even I'm vaguely familiar with, Stephen Curry, decided to follow in his giant, giant footsteps. How does this happen? Like, all right, please welcome to the show, Steph Curry. He's arguably the best person in history at throwing a bouncy sphere through a circle. So, Steph Curry, tell us about literal rocket science. That's why you're here on this podcast. That's what happened.

Yep, on the podcast Winging It, Curry did just that, asking his fellow guests and the hosts if they believe we'd been to the moon. And, of course, everyone said no. Oh, Jesus. Except for Annie Finberg, who did the best woman calmly explaining everyone is fucking up hugely since Lucinda talked Noah off the top of that airport Starbucks. It's really impressive. I wasn't going to jump. I was just levering myself up to tear off the sign.

That's true. That's true, to be fair. myself up to tear off the sign that's true that's true to be fair and of course nasa who has nothing better to do than had to answer this shit issued a statement saying quote we'd love for mr curry to tour the lunar lab at our johnson space center in houston perhaps the next time the warriors are in town to play the rockets we have hundreds of pounds of moon rocks stored there. And the Apollo mission control. During his visit, he could see firsthand what we did 50 years ago, as well as what we're doing now to go back to the moon in the coming years,

but this time to stay. End quote. Now, when asked why their voice was doing that thing and why their eyebrows were so high, Nestor responded, what thing? I'm fine. It's fine. Come see the rocks we brought back from the moon, please. And thank you.

And thank you. Just come along. Why would you need other people? And while I add there won't be any moon landing deniers there to my list of reasons I want lunar tourism, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. You know, sometimes it surprises me that this show even has to exist. Like when a headline comes across my desk that says Iowa Catholic Hospital will no longer perform

Like, when a headline comes across my desk that says Iowa Catholic Hospital will no longer perform vasectomies or tubal ligations, and I think to myself, wow, a modern hospital that thinks recreational fucking is immoral. I can't help but wonder why anyone ever needed anyone to point out why religion is a bad idea. But yeah, this Iowa hospital has decided to tackle the problem of global underpopulation once and for all because God's still been out of shape by owning and leaving a wet spot on the carpet. This is a building filled with MRI machines and x-rays and cutting edge medicines, and their ethical posture is being decided by people who think common ancestry is a sin. But apparently, even as we sheepishly slide into 2019, we still need voices shouting from the rooftops. Hey, they've gotten every moral question in the last 2,000 years wrong. Why would that change? Like, if I want to grab a positive from this year, my likeliest choice is the Me Too movement, right? But then I get a story like this one out of India, where a theologian is assuring anyone who will listen

that Christians in their country support the priest way more than the nun he's accused of raping. And I'm suddenly reminded that while we're still staked to this religious anchor, all of our progress is temporary. And this is such a fucked up story. Now, there hasn't been a national poll or anything, but feminist activist and former nun Kukurani Abraham estimates that about 60% of Indian Christians blame the rape victim for tarnishing the reputation of the church more than the priest that raped her. In fact, a disturbing number of them, that is a number greater than zero, believe that the nun should have been arrested alongside a rapist. And while we can question her numbers, there's no denying that a huge number of Indian Christians

are lining up against the nun, up to and including a retired Supreme Court justice. But somehow that isn't the most depressing rape story I've got for you this week. And this last one comes to us from the good old U.S. of A. That's right, I'm about to up the ante on a sexism story out of India with one out of America. So this is yet another case of the Trump administration kowtowing to the worst instincts of the evangelical bigots, and it involves a 16-year-old immigrant who was raped in her home country. She makes it to America and tries to get an abortion, but instead the government took her to a crisis pregnancy center, a religiously affiliated anti-abortion facility where she

received counseling. And just to make the experience even more degrading, they sent her away with a goddamn coloring book. The news reports don't say if it was an anti-abortion coloring book, but I'd love to see what that looked like, just in case anyone was still wondering what to get me for Christmas. And with that hint duly dropped, I'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And the not easy being green news tonight. Tennessee Congressman-elect Mark Green is making a late push for honorable mention in the competition for worst person of 2018. Top position's been locked down since November of 2016. But damn if he isn't going to do what he can to crack the top five.

Now you might remember Mark Green for hastily withdrawing his nomination to be Secretary of the Army once his homophobia and transphobia became common knowledge or you might remember him from claiming that psychologists classified transgender as a disease on the campaign trail or maybe for justifying his opposition to medicaid expansion by arguing that not having health insurance brings people closer to god yeah um so does pegging um just listing things sounds like mark green needs us all to send him some strap-ons at his office. Maybe. Birding station style. I was thinking of a more personal interaction, but, you know, I'm a man of action. Okay, so Green, who will join the enfeebled Republican House minority on January 4th,

upped the ante once again last week when he told an audience that one of the first actions he would take as a congressman will be to finally get the truth about the link between vaccines and autism. Fuck you. The link's out there in the middle of an ocean in international waters. Yeah, right. Okay, so specifically he committed to, quote, stand on the CDC's desk. They just have the one. It's just very inefficient. And get the real data on vaccines, end quote.

Not sure why he's going to stand on a desk for that. Seems like that would slow down a FOIA request, but whatever. OK, but he's going to be asking for the real data. That's actually a smart move. Most people, they just say data and that's how they get you. Clearly. Yeah. real data that's actually a smart move most people they just say data and that's how they get you clearly yeah now but green was careful not to leave the accusation of a cdc cover-up merely implicit adding later in the speech that he believed the cdc was withholding information on vaccines and quote some of that data has been honestly maybe fraudulently managed. Cool. Okay. So here's all our raw data, Mark. You want to go through that yourself

or you're asleep. Cool. Glad it's more illegal to shoot you now. Glad it's more illegal to do that now. Yeah, he seems to be fully aware that there is no single datum anywhere in the world that supports this alarmist bullshit,

but he avoids the consequences of that by conjuring up a conspiracy theory by the CDC to ensure that the Illuminati reached their quota of autistic kids. It's a weird end game. They've gotten their head. There's like, so lots of autistic kids now nailed it. What can I say?

The Illuminati love dinosaurs. Clearly. And just to make the story more terrifying and depressing, by the way, Mark Green is a physician. He has a license to stick his finger in people's asses in a work environment. Okay. So that makes me still a felon. Well, not until the conviction, but yeah. Now, he later kind of walked back the statement or at least tried to eat it too, I guess. When asked after the speech about it, he admitted that he did get his kids vaccinated and recommends that other parents do the same.

But it's not clear if that's because he's pro more autism or he's just a fucking hypocrite. Just rolling the dice you know these kids i don't know and finally tonight we have yet another story about how donald trump's america is collapsing in on itself into a sad little neutron star of ethnic slurs and intellectual failures and in case it wasn't already clear from looking at the midterm results, we got further confirmation this week in the form of a bluff, I guess, about the release of a video game that features Christian heroes like Jesus and Adolf Hitler. And they go around killing evil gay liberals in the game and apparently this was

made by trolls who don't understand how fucking trolling works and they accidentally trolled themselves right in the face so spending hundreds of hours to make myself universally hated to own yeah it seems it stops counting at some point right right? Like, watch, I bet the libtards freak out when I stab this puppy. That's you stabbing a puppy and nothing else. Yeah, so the game is allegedly coming out in January, even though it's clearly not coming out at all on any significant platform anyway. But it's supposed to be a first-person shooter called Jesus Strikes Back Judgment Day. And in addition to Jesus and Hitler, you also play as characters that resemble Mussolini, Putin, and, of course, Donald Trump. And your mission is to kill the LGBTQ community, feminists, social justice warriors.

feminists, social justice warriors. And there's a final boss that's described as a radical, frenzied, non-binary, gender-fluid, pansexual, humanoid berserker. That's an exact quote. It's funny because all those people did kill the LGBTQ community

all the time. Because they do that. That's why it's funny because you get to be them. Very clever, yeah. So we only even mentioned this story because it set us up for something and we'll get there in a second. But first, I need to explain something

to anybody involved in this trend of like ironic hipster trolling nonsense. You know what I'm talking about? So first of all, you're not even trolls. You're talentless assholes with nothing to say. So all you come up with was, look, am I saying something? Am I right? Am I?

Am I saying something? Or am I not? Or is this nothing? Or is not saying something actually saying something? Shut the fuck up. That's nothing. You're nothing. You're saying nothing.

You're doing nothing up that's nothing you're nothing you're saying nothing you're doing nothing is nothing but most importantly you can't troll the group of people called anti-nazis that's that's just being a nazi yes but you're not even that i mean at least nazis have something to say at least it's an ethos yeah exactly you're gross but circling back these empty husks of a personality did give us a chance to bring back fun little segment for a special appearance so let's go ahead put 30 seconds on the clock merry fucking christmas there it is ideas for the donald trump video game go. World of Wallcraft. Need for

Speed is Taken. Super Mar-a-Lago Brothers. You have to go around and rescue Princess Impeach, but she's always in a different house. What about Grand Theft Autocracy? Collusions of Grandeur. Oh, i like it uh man of fortnight um all right well his version of call of duty was recalled due to bone spurs um

oh cov fifa uh mine comp craft nice um so you got to develop a city without letting black people into your building. Like a sim. How about porn star craft? Star craft. Golden shower Rangers available on the Wii. Yeah,

but you should hold out because you can get the whole cabinet with the Wii U, Wii U, Wii U. Jesus. My wee joke was good. I don't know why you had to throw that. My wee joke was doing just fine on its own.

Wee, like piss. I helped. Donald Trump got peed on. So, alright. One more. What about Donald Trump's punch out with a tiny little white power glove? Tiny little baby hands, but you can't win because it's just Joe Biden just beats the fuck out of you the whole time.

All right. So on that blast from the past to the second power, I guess we can close out the headlines for the night. Eli Heath. Thanks as always. And when we come back, Dennis Prager will be here to de-educate you. Oh, that was a good one.

Thank you. Guys, what the hell are you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath and I are mailing our non-patrons some spit for Christmas. Now you do one. Do one. Oh, this is going to be good. I can tell it's going to be good.

Oh, this is going to be good. Why are you mailing spit to non-patrons? Oh, so they'll become patrons, silly. They're going to open their package from us and be like, oh, cool. It's from Noah. Oh, damn. I don't want to get this next year. I'll jump right on.

Patreon.com does support the show. Eli, first of all, stop making those sounds. Wearing people's headphones. You're going to make somebody drive off the fucking road. Second, anyone who hasn't signed up at Patreon.com is going to sign up for good reasons. Not because you sent them spit. Good reasons? Yeah, what are good reasons? Yeah, I mean, patrons get an early extended version

of our show that can play on any podcast player. They get access to our patron-only AMAs, plus high-level patrons get free Diatribes books. Wait, people get all that just for supporting the show? Not just that, they get the warm and toasty feeling that comes with knowing that without them, we couldn't do what we do.

No, that's true. That's true, I guess. So what do you say? You guys want to throw those out? Okay. The one he's doing now is for Joel Osteen, though. Technically, not a patron. Okay.

So could we just dump all the other ones into his? Yes. Yeah. the other ones into his yes we know that the holidays are right around the corner and we also know that a lot of you gave to vulgarity for charity so you'd have an insult to leave in the stocking of someone special so for tonight's vulgarity for charity mini we're gonna get downright festive and for that i'll need a couple of little helpers so still here are heathen right and the guy who always writes an intro for himself in intros even on bits where he's already

there Eli Bosnick woo yeah I'm here Eli's here still on the show alright gentlemen are you ready to be the open fire to a couple of assholes chestnuts here sure we're gonna roast them alright Eli

this first one's for you Trevor would like us to roast them. Getting roasty. All right, Eli, this first one's for you. Trevor would like us to roast his brother, Roger. Okay. Roger looks like he owes Larry the Cable Guy copyright money. If a used car could sell a person, it would be Roger. All right, I'll take this next one. Denny donated $200 to roast his co-worker, who looks like the promo shot for the upcoming Netflix docuseries Making a Molester, and his sister-in-law, who looks like a chameleon. And not in the sense that she resembles one, but she looks in the way that they do, with both eyes moving independently.

It's creepy as fuck. She also looks like she'd list karaoke under special skills on a job application. fuck she also looks like she'd list karaoke under special skills on a job application and speaking of co-workers heath adam also gave us 200 bucks to roast his co-workers okay that was kevin and jim got it all right uh kevin looks like a fire flower with diabetes oh he does and uh jim looks like kevinilted 30 years later. And honestly, I'm not sure how they pulled this off, but same goes for their lady friends in the picture. It's like they're all part of an overweight remake of Back to the Future.

Baby Back to the Future. All right. Time to get cruel and unusual. Eli, Wendy has asked you to roast Shakespeare. How dare you,endy why why okay uh here we go it's for charity um hey shakespeare you know even though you invented the human being you went downhill faster than tesla and that guy fucked a pigeon i mean pericles seriously thought you were gonna save that shit with an act two monologue and by putting your name on it you wrote merry wives of windsor by the time you got around to pericles and tempest you were

avatar era m night shamalan of playwrights also you should have been nicer to ben johnson like he knew and you knew come on dick all right heath i got a painful one for you here aj wrote us an incredibly lovely note about his friend jason who passed away and then requested us to roast him so all you bro what the fuck seriously so messed up all right so first of all uh fun little coincidence we have a google doc with all the emails and photos um pasted in as they arrived. And the photo that just happened to be above AJ's note is showing a guy on a rope swing.

Oh, God. So, all I could think of was like, what the fuck? Did Jason die while trying to swing to Terabithia without a spotter? Like, rookie mistake. But that was actually a different donor. Jason died of cancer. So so jason first of

all boring uh the rope swing would have been way better for a roast it's not all about you i'm just saying you know die better also uh you look like a wedding dj who calls himself a host and tries to keep things classy. Yeah. You look like the predator on school picture day. Wow. All right. And speaking of weird, Chuck requested that I roast a fungus.

He didn't say which one, so I'm tempted to go after Trump's dick. But in keeping with the spirit of the fundraiser, hey, nice annulus, Amanita Verosa. Makes you look like a fucking foliota, squarosa, and a turtleneck. Very dignified. You're so ugly, I'm surprised you can muster the enthusiasm to reproduce asexually. Alright. Burn.

Eli, friend of the show and host of the Naked Mormonism podcast, Bryce Blankenale has asked for you to roast him and his fiancée. Woo! He sent a picture of the two of them from the day they got engaged. Okay, here we go. But you cannot use the word soup. What about...

Or stew or goulash or chowder or Campbell's or any other soup words. Okay, here we go. Let's see. Annie told me that her and Bryce are having a small wedding, so they've only invited his listeners. And Annie looks like she just realized that, for whatever reason, she agreed to marry the guy who runs the IT help desk at Gringotts.

She's not looking good. You can see her smile fading in the still photograph. Yeah, no, that's another Back to the Future reference there. Oh, right, we're supposed to do Annie. Okay, Annie's a lovely person who I will probably have to meet again when I object at their wedding, so I'm going to take the easy way

out of here and say that Annie has terrible taste in men, but great taste in soup. Eli, what did I say? I regret nothing. Okay. So Heath, here's a tough one. Sarah is deployed in the Middle East right now, and she'd like a roast of the Eagles,

the band, not the NFL team, and the guy in the photo with her. All right. So the Eagles found their sound when somebody was playing Zeppelin on the radio, and Don Henley was like, bro, people are trying to talk in this elevator. Wait a minute. Eureka. And as for the guy in the picture, that is rough. Sarah looks like she's about to get her tongue stuck on that racist snowman.

Still, it's nice. We now have photo evidence of the time a beautiful woman ran her tongue along Heath's face, and his response was, let's get you into an Uber. Let's get you home safe and sound. All right, Noah and Heath, this one's for you. Patrick would like you to roast Steelers fans. Okay. Can I just say Levy and Bell several times? This one's for you. Patrick would like you to roast Steelers fans. Okay.

Can I just say Le'Veon Bell several times? All right. Steelers fans. So, you know how nobody's going to be wearing around Harvey Weinstein jerseys for the next 10 years? Well, they would in Pittsburgh if he had a better arm. Yeah, there you go. In Pittsburgh. All right.

And finally, Alexandra donated 100 bucks in hopes of getting a Christmas roast for her beloved boyfriend, John. All right. John looks like someone sent their ventriloquist dummy to rehab. John looks like if a cartoon woodchuck smiled for a picture with Alexander he looks like a cartoon woodchuck looks and now he's about to explain how he makes a really nice chocolate

stout homebrew go the fuck away no you don't absolutely you do not liar cartoon woodchuck liar so that's going to do it for this holiday edition of Vulgarity for Charity. There's still plenty of vulgarity to get through, though. So if you haven't heard yours yet, you don't need to email me about it. It's just it's going to we got a lot.

So stay tuned and we promise to get to it as quick as we can. Eli Heath, thanks as always. You know, there's a lot of things I want for Christmas this year, but there's only one that I want above all others. And it's one of those things that you just know you can't get. It's not something you can buy and it's not something you can ask for. But then I woke up one morning and I saw a Christmas miracle in the form of a Facebook post. A listener by the name of Jeremiah posted a link to a video, and it said, I'd give my left nut if the guys break this video down on the show. And Jeremiah's left nut is exactly what I'd asked Santa for.

So to secure that debt, we're proud to present yet another God Awful Mini. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today all right we watched just say merry christmas 4.2 million views on youtube prager you dennis prager yep and it's the story of denn Dennis Prager trying to work through some aggressive spittle on camera. It is rough. It's like you showed up on set and the director was like, hey, buddy, what's up? You try to eat a handful of flour again? No. Are you lying? Are you clearly lying? Whatever. I don't fucking care i hate my life let's go we're just doing it did you say that without blowing bubbles buddy no no no i cannot and

well we're already rolling great okay and eli how bad was this mini well if you love feeling smart but literally everywhere you go that knows things, thinks you're a fucking idiot, you will love this mini. Oh, it's PragerU. PragerU, by the way, is not affiliated with an academic institution or anything. It's just that dude's name with a U at the end. PragerU, the master at the top of the mountain for everyone's asshole uncle. It's the University of Hard Knocks. Yeah.

Their motto is actually, I'm not joking, undoing the damage of the university five minutes at a time. That is actually their motto. Wow. Alright, so we're going to start off by meeting this bizarre combination of,

he's like halfway between Newt Gingrich and just a newt. That's Dennis Prager. He's the one that hosts these things. It looks like Bernie Sanders overdosed on milk. Like Bernie completed his Judaism and became Christian by overdosing on milk. He looks like Brian Dennehy playing a Macy's float. So, yeah, so he comes up and he goes, the change from wishing people Merry Christmas to Happy Holidays is a very significant development. Is it, though?

And by the way, you can tell which of the two of those is worse because Merry Christmas has a much happier font. So he says proponents of happy holidays. That would be us, by the way, argue that it's no big deal. And I'm like, OK, no, you have nailed my argument. To be fair, I would. That's how I also would have phrased it. Yep. And apparently we're calling them hysterical yeah about this whole christmas thing he's like

these happy holidays people are calling me hysterical i made a goddamn university i'm calmer than you are dude well but so but then he gives us the slippery slope argument, right? He's like, you know, it's not just Merry Christmas. They're also coming after the term Christmas vacation and Christmas party. Where does it all end? It's great. His actual argument is, which is it?

Is being racist not hard or is not being racist not a big deal? I'm an adult. I'm a grown up. I'm allowed to drive cars i'm hysterical they want to use the phrase holiday party now too i'm are you fucking kidding i will murder the next person who says holiday or calls me hysterical murder and okay and his argument here seems to be that you can tell how much it matters to us because all the effort that we devote to it. I'm like, you made this video, right?

We're just making fun of it later, man. We didn't have to draw nothing or nothing. All right. So now we get the little montage of all the different cartoon characters, all the different stick figures telling him happy holidays everywhere he goes. It's okay. And even in animation, Dennis Prager's life is a sad heart. He dines alone.

He travels alone. He dines alone in his own cartoon. It's funny. Why? You know the animator was like, should I put your wife and kids in here? And he was like, no I put your wife and kids in here? And he was like, no, no. It's just going to be confusing if people see a woman weeping while I masturbate to a mirror.

Maybe I could sit next to Heath. No, he doesn't. He likes sitting alone. Yeah, so he says, he's like, everyone says to me happy holidays and then he says like but when they say that to me i respond to merry christmas and when he does that all the little stick figures gasp oh jesus but he points out that look even though i make people visibly uncomfortable they secretly love it i bet yes yeah no their mouth may have said no but their eyes said yes to merry christmas yeah jesus and he explains that though he says it's the sensitivity training that makes them

gasp all that sensitivity well except for the ones that just had sensitivity naturally also by the way this is the animation is of a mostly empty airplane at this point so if people seem uncomfortable it's because you just yelled something across an airplane cabin that's mostly empty the content doesn't really matter because you're a crazy person yelling across an airplane that's what's happening guys brager and so this is where he again he completely non-hysterically screams in all caps of course it's a war on christmas and then he says or more precisely this is how quickly this shit escalates in his mind it's a war on the religious nature of america he actually says he's like they accuse us of fabricating this war on christmas uh go

ahead give the uh cartoon atheist an assault rifle right here that's ridiculous a war on christmas that's what literally happens in the cartoon right when he says that the us stick figure has a machine gun and the them stick figure has a christmas president that's how we know where that we're the bad guys super unrealistic we don't even know where that other stick figure parked so like chapel hill murders google it's funny it's a very funny joke i get it and then he says the left believes in secularism as much as jews and christians believe in the bible yeah that's why we're always breaking the law putting up podcasts in churches you know murdering non-believers rampant rampant liberals are radically faithful in their secularism and dogmatic beliefs like that are edit interference and the thing is the his entire argument is this.

I know you are, but what am I shit, right? He says at one point he's like, secularists hate it because Merry Christmas reminds them of how religious America is. No, that's the like Christians hate hearing happy. Like he just heard good arguments against his position and switched out the groups. Yep. Right. That's this entire fucking video he might as well just go straight into a meltdown here just like the left is making a video right now about how much they hate a phrase and now they're having serious

doubts about their entire life's work and maybe realizing they're a giant embarrassment and their family looks like want to... Looks like Bernie Sanders over those dog milk. You're projecting. You are all projecting. And here we get my favorite argument is, sure,

secularists say when you say Merry Christmas, it doesn't include Jews, but I'm a Jew and I think it's fine. Yeah. Okay.

So, yeah, this is where he lays out the inclusiveness thing. But you know, he says, instead of secretly admitting that they just hate Cindy Lou, who would her infernal joy, atheists pretend that they want to be inclusive. Yeah,

that was no, I mean, like our meeting was very similar to that. It was like, okay, how should we get this happy holidays thing going? Should we pretend we like Jewss i guess we'll just pretend we like jews right that'll do it and blacks yeah sure right yeah no of course yeah yeah but he says he says in here that the

inclusive argument is preposterous because he's a fucking jew a jew he's just talking about all the jews that have written christmas songs i'm like wow jews love christmas so much that they'll take christian's money amazing do you know jews are actually physically capable of writing christmas songs jews it's true seriously like me fucking jews do you believe that shit look it up look watch jingle bells coughs out a frog that only happens the first time it's okay i represent all jews i'm a good house self what you guys can you can all say kike go ahead all right enjoy i'm allowing everybody to say kike i'm i'm cool we're cool i'll teach you our jewish handshake that is it's done it's done over lox and bagels. That's the secret.

I love, too, that at one point he's, again, I know you are, but what am I? He says, if you don't wish me Merry Christmas, you're excluding me from being said Merry Christmas to. See? Same thing, though. Wish me a Merry Christmas right the fuck now. Do it. Say my name. Drink my pee. Merry Christmas.

But of course, he's so convincing that he can throw away his best argument and it'll still work. So he says, but even if Christmas wasn't a national holiday, I'd still want everyone to say Merry Christmas to me, because otherwise that would mean that they wanted me to have a shitty Christmas then. And he exemplifies this by the atheist character beating Santa to death with his bare hands. It's the greatest moment.

The cartoon, the shitty cartoon just beats the fuck out of Santa Claus. With a full-blown Bruce Lee sound effects. We absolutely need to reenact this cartoon in live action. I want to beat the shit out of a Santa so bad. Santa starts saying Merry Christmas. I just kick him in the face.

That's our stunt. We beat up Santas. We're the atheists who beat up Santas. Everyone's got to do the they don't represent us thing, but then a whole bunch of people join our side. Come on! Yes! Game plan. Two votes. That's our PSA

right there. Happy holidays from the scathing atheist. Beat up Santa Claus. The more you know. Also, okay, this is how dumb his fucking arguments are. He literally tries to make the argument that it's mean-spirited not to say Merry Christmas to your coworkers and your friends because that

means you don't want them to have a Merry Christmas. But like, your entire argument is against saying Happy Holidays. Maybe everyone just says what they want. I don't know. You're being hysterical. Fuck you. You're losing your

goddamn mind. You are largely supported by the Koch brothers in a fake thing that you know isn't real, but you know you're going to die soon. You just want a little bit more money because your education was wasted and socially acceptable

you have a 10 million dollar a year budget that you spend on youtube videos with animations stick figures yeah so he wraps us this up by imploring us as he says so please say merry christmas if, you're not inclusive. You're hurtful. You're hurtful. Hurtful. Well, I guess, look, if there's one thing Dennis Prager can rest assured of, it's that if I see him in public, I will not say happy holidays to him. And while you at home guess what I would say, we're going to wrap up this edition of God Awful Minis.

Heath, Eli, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas! You! Get him, Heath! Get him! Before we rev up the reindeer tonight, I want to remind everybody that there are still tickets available to our live GAM show in Dallas on January 12th. And there's technically still time to get those as gifts if you're as bad at this shopping shit as I am. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously this show would bring shame upon my family if I neglected to thank

Heath Enright for guiding my sleigh tonight. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for being a jolly happy soul. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for donning all that gay apparel and I want to thank the definitely not Heath for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. That was a different person. And I am not completely out of Farnsworth quote and failed to realize that until I was recording the outro.

Incidentally, apropos of nothing. Check the website for details on how you can submit your Farnsworth quote if you should want to do something like that. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Amanda, Gary, Jemima, Dylan, Horatio and Riley. Amanda and Gary, whose IQs have twos in them even when you express them in binary. Jemima and Dylan, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian. And Horatio and Riley, who have been asked not to sleep on their backs by the Federal Aviation Administration. Together, this half-dozen delightful doubters dispense the dollop of dodoar devious dissections and doctrinal delusions this week by giving us money. Not everybody

has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage

at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, giving us money is a whole big thing. You can also help a ton by liking our Facebook page, rating us on iTunes, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. If you've got a Brankin' new... So if you've got a brand new Spankin'...

So if you've got a brand new Spankin'... Spankin', Brank, Spank, Brankin'. I like Brankin new... So if you've got a brand new Spankin... So if you've got a brand new Spankin, Spankin, Brankin, Spankin, Brankin. I like Brankin, though. I like Brankin. I feel like the Earth is ready for that portmanteau, damn it. There we go.