The Scathing Atheist - 306: Let's Plague Edition

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

In this week’s episode, Noah refuses to let Eli do a podcast yule log, we learn how that relates to Eli's vision board about his annual solid defecation, and we’ll bid farewell to 2018 like we were waving away a fart. ---  Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Oranges disprove evolution https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/01/creationist-kent-hovind-now-says-oranges-are-proof-that-evolution-is-false-2/ Greek Bishop: Earth only planet in the universe: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/11/29/greek-orthodox-priest-claims-earth-is-the-only-planet-in-the-universe/ They’re coming for our johnson...again...again...again: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/12/once-again-house-republicans-are-trying-to-repeal-the-johnson-amendment/ Attorney General pick William Barr blamed secularism for nation's moral decline: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/07/attorney-general-pick-william-barr-blamed-secularism-for-nations-moral-decline/ Best nuns Ever https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/09/two-nuns-stole-500000-from-a-catholic-school-to-gamble-in-las-vegas/ Anti Trans Group admits bathroom Bill Fear Mongering is bullshit https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/09/anti-trans-group-admits-bathroom-bill-fear-mongering-was-largely-contrived/ Christian group opposes meditation, says “mindfulness” is against their religion: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/16/christian-group-opposes-meditation-says-mindfulness-is-against-their-religion/ Atheists Win Discrimination Case Against BC School That Kicked Out Their Child: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/13/atheists-win-discrimination-case-against-bc-school-that-kicked-out-their-child/ Indonesia Launches “Heresy App” to Help Muslims Lodge Blasphemy Complaints https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/08/indonesia-launches-heresy-app-to-help-muslims-lodge-blasphemy-complaints/

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to hitting 2018's profanity quota. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new revisionist toothpaste, Popsident. Get your Messiah three shades whiter in just a few generations with Popsident. And now, the scathing atheist. This is Greta, an actual internet porn provider. And I'm here to tell you that not only did we evolve from filthy monkey men,

based on the number of unsolicited dick pics I've received, we all still are filthy, filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's December 27th. And in what may be the worst idea ever, it's Visit the Zoo Day. Really? Fuck, kids, just say hi to the penguins and get them back in the fucking car. Jesus, it's fucking cold.

I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York's Table Scraps Pilot Fish, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, Noah refuses to let me do a podcast you'll love. We learn how that relates to Eli's vision board about his annual solid shit and we'll bid farewell to 2018 as though we were waving away a fart but first the diatribe so i've been getting into video game history lately, and I come across a nugget the other day that I had to share with y'all.

It's a fun little tidbit about a Christian game manufacturer called Wisdom Tree Games. But to understand the significance of their story, I have to dive a little bit into early console history. So apologies in advance if you don't give a wet shit about any of that. But trust me, it eventually circles around to a relevant atheism point okay so in 1977 it's already released the video computer system or vcs often now referred to as the atari 2600 and as starry-eyed as its creators were nobody could have first seen the success it was going to achieve by 1982 they'd sold over 10 million of these motherfuckers which means that damn near one household in eight in the U.S. had one of these things in their living room. Now, it never occurred to Atari that eventually they'd have this nice, juicy install base for third-party developers to salivate over, so they didn't have any kind of proprietary code in there or anything.

Basically, anybody who knew how to code games could release a cartridge that would play on the 2600. So when a group of disgruntled Atari employees left the company to form Activision and do exactly that, Atari responded with a lawsuit that backfired spectacularly. Soon after, there was a legally binding ruling saying that anybody who wanted to could release games for their system. Now, maybe this is fair, maybe it isn't. But regardless, it's a big part of the reason Atari turned south so quickly after their initial success. Their whole business model was to sell the console itself for near cost and make their profit on the back of the game sales. And at the same time, Atari is dealing with the huge financial hit of these third party game developers carving out a slice of their pie. They're also dealing with a market that suddenly flooded with really shitty games.

I mean, Activision was making great stuff, but less talented developers were grinding out utter shit and selling it alongside the best games the system had to offer. So when you went to buy an Atari game, it was a coin flip whether you were going to get something that was going to give you more than 8 seconds of gameplay. So several years later, this little video game company in Japan called Nintendo decided to try their hands at the console market. And before they did, they studied the rise and fall of Atari in detail. Eventually, they concluded the main reason the company failed was this inability to control the game market.

So they built a lock into their system. Unless the game had proprietary code that acted as a key to that lock, the games wouldn't play on the Nintendo Entertainment System that they were going to sell. Of course, this did not stop third-party developers from trying and occasionally succeeding in breaking that code and coming out with Nintendo-compatible games. But even when they did, it gave Nintendo a much more legally defensible position in court. So, like, when unlicensed third-party developers did start to push their way in, the corporation had a much stronger hand to play. To develop that third-party game, they had to insert proprietary code, which, as often as not, the developers had to steal from Nintendo.

Now, in the late 80s and early 90s, this earned Nintendo a reputation as one of the world's most litigious companies. They sued every fucking body, except one tiny little third-party developer called Wisdom Tree Games. Now, if the other developers Nintendo was suing were shoplifters, Wisdom Tree Games was a fucking bank robber. And yet they were the only company to ever successfully release an unlicensed game for the NES. The game was called Super 3D Noah's Ark.

And it's probably the most blatant plagiarism in video game history, okay? It was basically a pixel-for-pixel ripoff of Wolfenstein 3D Noah's Ark, and it's probably the most blatant plagiarism in video game history, okay? It was basically a pixel-for-pixel ripoff of Wolfenstein 3D, except the graphics were changed so that instead of playing an allied spy that killed Nazis, you played Noah and you calmed down animals with fruit that made them fall asleep. But the layout of Noah's Ark was coincidentally exactly the same as the layout of Castle Wolfenstein, down to the elevators. Now, this game was released in 1994, and that wasn't a great time for Nintendo from a PR perspective. By then, parents and senators were freaking the fuck out over violence in video games and warning of the murderous, turtle-stomping generation that Nintendo was

trying to turn their children into. Like, a year earlier, the head of Nintendo, Sega, and a couple of third-party game developers had been drug in front of the Senate to be grilled about their marketing. A bunch of pop psychologists were cashing in on the fear-mongering, and parental groups were organizing to try to restrict game sales to kids. So Nintendo's corporate offices were no doubt leery about the public perception of this big-ass company stomping all over a plucky little Christian game developer that just happened to be the most egregious rip-off artist in the industry. And look, before they were Wisdom Tree Games,

this company was just an unsuccessful software developer trying to push unlicensed games for other companies' systems just like a bunch of other ones. After crapping out on that a couple of times, though, they made the switch to Christian games because they knew they wouldn't be sued right this wasn't like some religious conviction this was a marketing decision the people heading up the company knew that christianity would give them extraordinary consideration in legal matters and help insulate them from playing by the rules that everyone else had to play by. You see this same phenomenon in a smaller scale

when corporate logos are hijacked to send religious messages, right? Like if you or I ripped off the Reese's logo as blatantly as the guy selling the Jesus pieces shirt, we'd get a letter from their lawyer. But Christianity is a cloak of legal protection, and these failed capitalists that can't succeed inside the bounds of law take advantage of that. And it's important that we keep this in mind,

because when Christians in America talk about being persecuted, what they're really talking about are threats to this unearned privilege. They fear that they'll be reduced to playing by the rules that everyone else has to play by. And anybody who tried out one of Wisdom Tree's original games will know good and damn well they don't stand a chance in a level playing field. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are nobody. Heath and Eli might have sounded like they were here during the intro, and they'll sound like it again, but that's all through the magic of podcasting. We actually recorded this show in advance so that we could take a few days off this week, so please enjoy these never- heard headlines already in progress and in the fault in our mars news tonight while religion was still locked in that ongoing debate about the angelic density of metallic discs two millimeters in diameter science landed on mars for the eighth fucking time this time with an 800 pound robot the size of a car that will enable us to accurately model the interior of the

planet. Boo nerds. Where's my fucking blowjob robot? I think it's a Josh Gad's house. Actually make more money. I'm in. If you're on a budget though, you got a Turkey baster,

right? You're all set. Just, just cut the end off of that. You're good. Blow job life hacks with Heath. There we go. That's his new thing, everybody. You heard him.

Crying out for help. Basically, it's just a different way of saying the same thing. Blow job life hacks is the opposite. That's just awesome. That's not calling out. You're calling out for help that you didn't get in on that. That's cool. All right.

So while the announcement of yet another successful application of human ingenuity came with pictures, not everyone was buying it. For example, Bishop Anthimos of Thessaloniki, a Greek Orthodox priest from a drag show in the 1400s, cast doubt on the whole endeavor when he advised his congregants to take the stories about NASA's latest accomplishment with a grain of salt. And not because NASA's lying about landing on Mars, but because they're lying about

Mars existing. That's right. According to Anthimos, Earth is the only planet. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. So as a species, our scientific knowledge is averaging out at, like, cool. So as a species, our scientific knowledge

is averaging out at like steam engines? What do we think? What's the median? Actually, probably closer to just, you know, steam. Yeah, really, when you factor in hot water. Everybody.

All right, so this revelation comes not from Holy Scripture, but from, this is his citation, not mine, a Greek scientist whose name he didn't catch who assured him that other planets is a load of shit from the man quote he the unnamed scientist told me that many young scientists came to the conclusion that there are no other planets besides

earth adding and i love this pro script so, quote, their findings have not been published yet. It's true. The guy's just like, oh, I was gonna, but I think my email got lost where I sent it to you is the thing. Really? Your email got lost? What's your email? I'll search my spam folder. I'll find it.

Oh, it is J. J. Wubble you. Do you have wubble you? Yeah. my spam folder, I'll find it. Oh, it is Jay. Jay. Wubble you. Do you have Wubble you? On your keyboard? Plentyofblackfriends.com. Okay, moving on. That's right.

It's a dating site. So now, this was a sermon, so there are no follow-up questions about, you know, what those things we can see with our naked eyes are, but they sure as fuck not planets according to Greek Orthodox

science. Also, no word yet on where NASA put that big-ass robot, but given the nature of NASA, I think we know somebody took it home and fucked it. So they do have my blowjob robot. Yes, they do. They do. You can't spell that out when you're a Greek Orthodox

priest. You just have to kind of insinuate. Yeah, exactly. And in Orange, you're glad I didn't say banana news tonight. Christian apologist Kent Hovind said that oranges disprove evolution this week, making my headline intro the funniest thing anyone has ever written. So, with that in mind, I'm going to re-deliver my opening lines. I really appreciate it.

I was going to ask you just one more time, a little more. Yeah, exactly. And in orange, you glad I didn't say banana news tonight. Thank you. I'm a genius. Ray comfort banana.

Orange is what Ken Hovind said. Classic knock-knock joke. People are aware of it. Here we go. Here is Ken Hovind's thinking. I don't know if it's... Okay, yeah. Thinking's not the right word. Here's what I think the point of his 37-minute YouTube ramble

about literally everything to do with oranges was. You think all those oranges and those trees that are producing it and the dirt that's holding it all came from a dot of nothing that exploded 13.7 billion years ago?

End quote. Yes. So, I'm sorry. So, orange was just a stand-in for thing, right? Yep. For now. Yeah, he rotates it. I'm pretty sure it was lettuce a while ago, and then

cabbage, and now orange. Whenever Kent Hovind sees a new plant, he thinks he just won a new argument. I'm pretty sure that's what's happening to his fucking stupid face. And he's like, alright, fine. Lettuce is pretty simple. Last video was stupid. But look at these fucking segments.

That is complex. Watchmaker. He continues, quote, how many trillions of intermediate steps would there have to be to go from a dot of nothing to an orange tree? And where is the evidence? By the way, to be clear, yes, he's holding an orange when he asks for that evidence yeah inside of a human hand yeah he has right he continues is there any scientific evidence for all these supposed changes you guys talk about end quote yes yes yep yeah Yeah. Either way, it's nice to see Christian apology expanding its branding. Pretty sure we're going to get a video next week from Matt Powell called, I tried to open a coconut and now I'm an atheist.

And in failing the bar news, Donald Trump has a new candidate to become Attorney General. After putting the thing from Fantastic Four in charge as acting AG last month, it looks like Trump decided to copy off Bush Sr.'s homework now that he's dead. Oh, I thought you were going to tell me he died. Oh, so sorry. So the current frontrunner for the permanent job is william p bar who was ag from 1991 to 93 back when america was great again and even liberals hated gay people it's going to be great and just to be clear when i say permanent job i mean he'll have the job for the cabinet average of until after lunch or until he takes a plea deal and

goes to jail for medium treason down from heavy treason whichever comes first that's the pattern right now he's moving his stuff in and tyler's like wow putting stuff in drawers huh the ball's on this guy all right relax relax we'll get super excited, man. We usually just keep it in the cardboard box. Don't be a dick. So just in case being chosen by Donald Trump isn't enough to make you terrified of William P. Barr, here's a few highlights from his career. First of all, he landed on Trump's radar, not because our president has any knowledge of very recent history or thought to himself, hey, maybe Bush senior knew what the fuck he was doing a billion times better than me. No, Trump met William P. Barr when he was thinking about hiring himself a defense attorney for something. Being innocent extra hard?

I'm not sure. For something. But that means that if he actually got confirmed, Barr would almost certainly have to recuse himself from the Mueller investigation, which would be goddamn hilarious. It would be worth having this asshole as our AG just to see that happen, right? Amazing. Pan out to a long line of AGs recusing themselves, led by Leslie Nielsen.

Damn it, woman, I recuse myself. I recuse myself. Yeah, so William Barr is an evangelical Christian christian bigot okay sorry um bad writing barr is an evangelical who spent a bunch of his career helping create our absurd mass incarceration problem and helping bush senior pardon a bunch of guilty people right as he was leaving office, which was probably the title of his resume. And more recently, he supported the firing of James Comey and made a very incisive argument

against the Mueller investigation by pointing out that Hillary Clinton quo qui. And if it wasn't obvious, he's a theocrat who is 100% under the impression that God wants him to take a giant shit on the First Amendment and also help overturn Roe v. Wade or at the very least remove female bodily autonomy one state at a time, just like the founding fathers intended. Well, I mean, the rights of women are basically the one spot where he probably is eye to eye with the founding fathers. He just doesn't have the it's the 1770s to hide behind. Yeah.

Same with the powdered wig and wooden teeth. Dude, it's just weird. It's just weird. Yeah. And here's a few of William Barr's exact words on the topic of secular America. Oh, good. on the topic of secular America. Oh, good.

Quote, legalized abortion and the deterioration of the traditional family are among the most obvious signs of pervasive moral collapse. End quote. Proving, among other things, that he's never been to a live game record. Right. And Barr also added the following. Quote, the secularists of today are clearly fanatics. Their debunking of the Judeo-Christian moral tradition, science is what he just described there.

Yeah. Trying to say. Has produced soaring juvenile crime. Nope. What? Widespread drug addiction. Nope. What? Skyrocketing rates of venereal crime. Nope. What? Widespread drug addiction. Nope. What?

Skyrocketing rates of venereal disease. Nope. From the secularism? From the secularism. Secular venereal diseases. Nope. Opposite. And 1.5 million children aborted each year.

End quote. And that last one was correct at the time he said it. And also amazing. You're all welcome. Fucking abortions are great. You're welcome. Heath, we didn't perform those abortions. Credit where credit is due.

Okay, whoever did it. Great job on behalf of them. You're all fucking welcome. And just last thing before we wrap it up, you should have voted for Hillary Clinton. Oh, there it is. In case that wasn't obvious right now. And in bad habits news tonight,

according to an internal investigation at the St. James Catholic School in Torrance, California, over the past six years, two nuns there have embezzled something like half a million dollars to spend on, among other things, flights to Vegas to gamble away the money they just stole. They reportedly skim money off tuition dues, fees, and donations while telling parents that the school is having budget concerns, which, to their credit, was almost certainly true. It's like a really sad sequel to Empire Records. Yeah, so fun fact, Son of God, bad at blackjack, would have guessed.

He'd be better. He's just got his head in a vice somewhere. Like, okay, this is a fun new one. This is a fun. Lee's Trouble is actually going to love this. I can't wait to explain his. He can do a lot of cool chip tricks. Okay.

But like if these nuns stole the money from the Catholic church and gambled it away, isn't there a pretty solid argument that they did a good thing? I mean, a neutral thing at least, maybe. It's also worth noting, by the way, that the half million is just what their investigators know about, and there's a lot of reasons to believe it's more. That number comes from audited bank records over the past six years. So if anybody was donating cash, that isn't showing up. Also, the diocese has indicated that they won't press charges against the two nuns because they'll be fucked sideways if they're going to let state investigators turn poking around in their finances and also forgiveness or something. They're like a drug dealer out in front of his house talking to police about how he got shot in the face. Just like, hey, officers.

Cool, thanks. Thanks for coming. I'm fine. Not pressing charges for the face shooting. It all happened out here, outside of the building. Okay, bye. You guys are good. I love how often this happens on our show.

This is our 97th. Sure, he robbed us, but he's mosey along now. Yeah. Right. Is it something worse than face shooting inside of there? No. No?

What? This guy, Officer Jokes and Fun. Did not fuck kids. What? I am just going to toss this out here since it seems to be especially relevant at the moment this could not happen if churches were treated like all the other non-profits okay so like if churches had to account for where their money's going this kind of shit couldn't happen and obviously the churches are willing to pay the occasional half million dollar hooker and

blow budget for a couple of nuns to protect their ability to take advantage of that same system remember boys and girls the existing tax structure only benefits the churches and the primary people at fox are the congregants and in massive aggressive news tonight but a good news we didn't get to report on last month was the passage of an anti-discrimination law in Massachusetts that protected transgender rights. The ballot measure passed with a whopping 67% of the vote, leading Christian hate groups to do some oddly public soul-searching. It's like, fuck, okay, okay, we've dealt with laws like this before. I guess we treat them like a black guy? A Muslim?

I don't know. A black guy Muslim? So Christian bigot factory Mass Resistance, the major political force against the ballot, took to their website in a shockingly honest summary that included admitting that the whole dudes will sneak into bathrooms to fuck kids thing was total bullshit. Yeah, no, the confessional is way more private. Yeah, exactly. So here's the actual quote from their fucking website. Quote, the rallying cry of the pro family groups, that's them trying to repeal the law, was the well-known bathroom safety argument that in addition to

transgenders this law allows male sexual predators to lurk in women's restrooms to prey on girls and women this was technically true but largely contrived they also talked about privacy in restrooms and locker rooms end quote so yeah gotta, that was total horseshit. But the best part is, they follow this up with, like, hear me out, new plan. Oh, is it to sneak into bathrooms and fuck kids? Because I feel like that's the next stage. Bathrooms for non-Christians. They'll be separate, but... Nope.

Nope. They'll be detached, but just as good. No, you're allowed to say separate but equal now it's okay you can say that the space force whatever so here's the new plan quote about a month before the election mass resistance activists formed their own no to three ballot committee to campaign on this they felt strongly that three important points were not being presented to the public. Here are their points. One, the LGBT movement, civil rights argument, has no basis whatsoever. Evidence not included. Well, no, because they don't have civil.

They're not. What? Right. Two, that transgenderism is actually a mental disorder and a destructive ideology. Scientifically false. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. And three, this law forces people to accept an absurd lie.

Men can never become women. End quote. Is that the absurd lie? Yeah. Whoops. Phrasing. So yeah, their new plan is gay people don't even need civil rights. The earth is flat.

Gay marriage meant I had to suck a dick and this law means I have to ice cream scoop my wang. That's their new plan. Yeah, still, I do like the refreshing honesty, I guess. Hope they keep that up. That up. Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith Mr. Smith Mr. Smith Mr. Smith

now hold on hold on I have a prepared statement and then I'll take questions we at the Family Values Voter Fund have fought

long and hard against the rights of other people for one reason and one reason only power we are a mixture of the mentally ill

the socially blinded and the downright evil and so much as that concept has any real meaning and by pretending to be concerned about the private lives and choices of our fellow citizens we have bought ourselves tremendous power and privilege this is because we are aware perhaps unconsciously but probably not that the underlying cause of our bad behavior religion is socially unacceptable to address be it the left the right or in the center we as a society continue to treat the symptoms and not the disease because our mom has that disease and fuck if we're going to have that conversation am i right

i will continue to behave this way without consequences until i die any questions mr smith mr smith mr smith yes yes over here yes um mainstream media here uh i'd like to promote your viewpoint through exposure without addressing the underlying cause may i call you a naughty naughty christian you may i'm not listening naughty go fuck yourself naughty i just made a million dollars off of old people naughty christian and indonesia to come with me news tonight indonesia defied vegas odd makers this week by sucking even more after the government announced the release of a new free app that would make it easier to punish your neighbor for having the wrong god now the app would seek to

make reporting blasphemy easier and quicker so that the police in the nation with the world's fifth highest rate of violent crime could be more easily diverted to dumb shit. Okay, yes. So the app is called Smart Pack'em. And it's about time for everyone to download that app and start spamming the fuck out of it. Just get creative. Everyone report me. Just no illusions.

Did it again, guys. Okay, maybe. Maybe. Don't throw our names out there. Let's keep our funny friends here at the Scathing Atheist kicking ass. Because Charlie Hebdo is in France, you know. The app, which was no doubt introduced after a cutaway to a harried mother dropping a torch and a pitchfork on the kitchen floor and exclaiming there has to be a better way will allow users to report groups, quote, practicing unrecognized

faiths or unorthodox interpretations of Indonesia's six officially recognized religions, end quote. And no, by the way, none of the above is not one of the six recognized answers. So in addition to modernizing the reporting process, it will also list edicts and blacklisted organizations so that people don't accidentally fail to discriminate against them. Alright, well I really want to see that commercial now. Just a millennial Muslim looking over his neighbor's tree. It's got a knot that kind of looks like Muhammad.

Honey? Honey? You keep dropping the torches and pitchforks.ks they're broken should we call the cops i can't even i don't know use the new app honey oh sorry alexa honor kill my daughter now it would be easy to talk at this point about how easy to abuse this app would be since people who practice the five officially recognized religions that aren't Muslim are already discriminated against and subject to disparious blasphemy allegations. But since the process of using it incorrectly is exactly as immoral as the one for using it correctly, that point seems superfluous. So I won't bother to make it.

And in raving atheist news tonight, you know, here are the scathing atheists. It's a rare treat when we get to report on atheists being jerks. Eli, I said I was fucking sorry, dude. Nope, it's not about that.

It's not about that. Come back to it later. I mean, sure, the Chinese are burning down churches and stuff, but we're supposed to pretend that isn't funny. And with story after story of a nativity display or some other creeping theocracy coming across our desks,

well, we could feel a little left out in the jerk department. So when a story like the one I'm about to tell you comes along, we can't help but feel a little like it's a Christmas miracle. I feel like we can help. At first glance glance this seems to be our usual fare a couple in british columbia won a discrimination lawsuit against a preschool that kicked their child out for being atheist but like a girl with a nose ring the deeper you dig into this the more crazy it gets but like the good crazy right like you might get kicked in the neck

at any moment but you're pretty excited about it. You're like, what? That'll be fun, maybe. I feel like we accidentally hit on the root of your relationship problems a lot on this show. It might be the thesis of all of our shows, like a cohesive theme. So here's the story.

Back in 2014, this couple, we'll call them Noah and Lucinda, and roll their kid in this preschool. And the dad, we'll call them Noah and Lucinda, enrolled their kid in this preschool. And the dad, we'll call him Shmoa. He was on the board of directors. So November rolls around. The board's discussing how the school should celebrate the holidays. And someone suggested clay elf ornaments. And dad said no which i understand so the board offered to include menorahs and candles

and other shit to make it more inclusive to which he responded with the following email which read in part quote as richard dawkins author of the god delusion has written there is no such thing as a muslim jewish or christian etc baby toddler child they are simply too young to be making these sorts of decisions as a side note i certainly hope there will be no discussion of santa claus at bims that's the name of the school i am absolutely against anyone blatantly lying to my daughter just some thoughts from an atheist family please accept my apologies if this offends end quote i love it just like please don't tell lies to my child pretty please sorry in advance if you really did want to lie to her though sorry sorry like you might as well just say canada canada

canada richard dawkins canada sorry sorry sorry canada great so the board responds by being like okay douche nozzle what kind of ornaments do you want to which he suggested and these are real an ornament that said skeptic an ornament that said atheist someone who believes in one fewer gods than you do and my favorite an ornament of a plane crashing into the Twin Towers with the quote, atheists don't fly airplanes into buildings. You know, for preschool decorations. I mean, we don't, but yeah. You pull a little

string, little people leap out of it. No, it's fun. It's our Christmas crackers. Exactly. Oh, that would be such a great atheist advent calendar. I'm just saying if anybody wants to come up with that, you open it up, one of them falls out out different terrorist thing that we don't do now as you can guess this argument spiraled out of control over the following weeks with emails and phone calls that included both parents complaining about the school acknowledging easter and valentine's day

and culminating in dad marching around one school board meeting, throwing Hitler salutes and singing his own made up lyrics to Oh Canada. OK, that part was less Canadian. I feel like I started becoming pretty American there for a second. Oh, gross. Making atheism look bad. Like, I feel like black people listening to Steph Curry and Ky kairi irving talk about science like this is not fun right so to get us back on the schmoa and schmooch minda side the following year because they wanted to kick them out the preschool drafts this multiculturalism is important to us document that says like oh we acknowledge all the holidays at our school and ask the parents.

And it turns out only the atheist parents to sign it, which, of course, they refuse to do, which means that the preschool denied the kid re-enrollment to the school and thus the victory in court. Because unfortunately, your dad marched around a school board meeting acting like Hitler is not grounds for readmitting a kid to school feels like it almost should be like there need to be consequences but yeah not quite not quite and also uh this is a montessori school by the way feels like dad could use some montessori night school for adults just let them walk around play with blocks, and sing about Hitler, apparently. Just let it all out, whatever it needs to do.

Fuck. And in one-hand slow-clapping news, Christianity saw another big wooden box held up by a stick this week with a picture of a finch's beak inside, and they angrily dove right in because they're fucking stupid. And this particular idiot trap came in the form of public schools allowing kids to spend time sitting and breathing yeah you heard me correctly kids in public schools are sitting and breathing like satanist jew muslims buddhist hindus so Witnessed Jew Muslims, Buddhist Hindus. So, Anna, hit it. What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. That's right. We have a Christian activist group that heard the word meditation and had a meltdown about Buddhist and Hindu propaganda in public propaganda in public schools meditation i want to hear the mess how dare you practice noticing the thinker of thoughts motherfuckers i know like this would be like atheists trying to ban patty cake because it forces you to do pray hands but somehow we get excoriated every time we say hey you know maybe maybe your Jesus is God, you filthy Muslim sign shouldn't be on a courthouse fucking lawn. We're the bad guys, really?

Yeah, so this particular group of trap-diving idiots is the American Center for Law and Justice, or ACLJ, which is run by Donald Trump's personal lawyer, Jay Sekulow, actually. And he's in jail. Yeah. So they heard about the meditation and immediately panicked over all the damage to Christianity

that could be caused by mindfulness, I guess. When asked if they wanted me to repeat that last part so they could think about the words, they said no, absolutely not, we would not. Thinking about the words too similar to mindfulness. Yeah, right. So instead, they cleaned off the pile of shit from their copy of the First Amendment and decided to start a campaign to stop public schools from continuing this religious indoctrination. Because again, sitting and breathing is a violation of church state separation right no yeah like evolution and geology okay in their defense meditation does lead you to realize the eternal nature of the mind the effortless knowing of the

knower and innate buddha nature it is a gateway drug i'm saying it's a gateway drug so the level of insanity here is just breathtaking uh heath i feel like breathtaking would be a form of buddhist indoctrination please hair raising so here's the exact words we got from the aclj Keep in mind, this is supposed to be describing something scary. Yeah, right. Quote, imagine your child hearing an audio recording that tells them to clear their minds, to watch their memories and emotions float away on clouds,

and to feel the love and warmth from their connection to the universe. I should do this more evil. Imagine your child. Yeah, right. To mindfulness sessions that are similar to anciently established Buddhist and Hindu practices, love and warmth floating away on clouds. End quote.

Instead of the 98 hours of square dancing I got in school, I will burn this shit to the ground. To the ground. Yes. out in school i will burn this shit to the ground to the ground yes so it's pretty great when crippling paranoia ends up tricking religious people into fighting for the secular cause especially when the secular cause was already being carried out in this example and the meditation had exactly zero bud or Hindu scripture built in. But regardless, I love the idea that Christian people are picturing their kids at public school just wrapped in a giant tantric orgy summoning Shiva to devour Jesus or whatever their tarot cards have.

Just every time they see their kids sitting and breathing, they dive across the room and tackle the kid out of the sitting pose like, Stop clearing your mind! Stop it! Think about stuff right now! Think about something! Do more! Do more! You step right back under the waterfall of your thoughts, young man. That's right. Right back under the waterfall.

And in still tugging on my Johnson news tonight. There it is. There we go. Nailed it. That was pretty good. The Trump administration is trying to repeal the johnson amendment again okay well technically again again again yeah trying to do you have to you have to pull several times before it comes yes yes in a will they won't they matched only by ross and rachel if one of the outcomes of that relationship had allowed ross to funnel

undisclosed amounts of money to political candidates. The Trump administration tried to sneak their fourth attempt to repeal the Johnson Amendment into year-end tax legislation before they give up control to the Democrats and, you know, democracy in the new year. So they're trying to. Yeah. All that's left on the docket is this and for Paul Ryan to put all the house pens inside of himself

and then put them back like they did in Wisconsin. Yeah. And then lick them all just to be sure that he got them. So let's review for the new listeners.

Hi, new listener. I'm Eli, kind of the intellectual of the group. Other things around that. I'm Noah. I'm the sassy one. Cool. He doesn't have

one. Business as usual. Anyway, I don't need to say it there. It's understood. It's tacitly understood. He's still iconic. No reason to say it. Yep. Unspoken wildcard. Unspoken wildcard. Wildcard doesn't need to be said. Assumed. Wildcard. So the Johnson Amendment is that

pesky provision in the u.s tax code that prevents 5013 c's including churches from endorsing or opposing political candidates and if you're thinking hey i might be a new listener but don't religious assholes do that all the time yes they do but the fact that nobody enforces it doesn't mean it's not a good thing for there to be a law against it you know what i'm saying yeah totally no it's like treason or um shooting a black guy yeah yeah right exactly exactly yeah see because without the johnson amendment there would be even less resistance to churches becoming giant off the books super packs for whoever god told them there should be president this month which as you can imagine is exactly why donald Trump has been trying to repeal it since he was elected.

Well, yeah, that and a gross misunderstanding of what Putin meant when he said castrate the U.S. government. Yeah. So for the record, first, Donald Trump tried to gut the Johnson Amendment via an executive order. But if an executive order could change the U.S. tax code, Trump would be in so much less trouble. No, that didn't work. Tyler, is there an executive order to time travel? Not yet. Not yet.

So secondly, Republicans tried to include it in their omnibus spending bill, but it was cut from the final version. Then Republicans tried a third time in July with with an appropriations bill and it failed again and now as i said at the beginning of this story they're aiming to go out in a blaze of theocratic glory yeah they they also added language to this bill that said fetuses count as people now according to taxes yes it's not great bullshit and look the three-time failure of this attempt might make the stakes seem low but they only have to get it through once and if they do the consequences are really really dire to quote the freedom from religion foundation this would quote allow churches to become unaccountable unregulated super PACs through which dark political money will flow, end quote.

Not adding more. Okay. On the other hand, I mean, to be fair, the IRS is overworked, as it is. It's got to be exhausting to ignore this rule every day. Maybe we take a few of those rules off the table for them. Yeah, and if you're thinking to yourself, hold on a second. Aren't super PACs inherently unaccountable, unregulated things through which dark political money flows?

Yes. Yes, they are. That's not an exoneration, though. Churches suck, too. So this would be like a Voltron of tax dodges and corporate influence, basically. Yeah. So if you've got a brand spanking new congressman, and I know a lot of you do,

maybe give him or her a ring to let them know you'd like to keep church and state legally separated, even if it's just for funsies. And with that public service announcement out of the way, we'll close off the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll learn that Moses was so sexy,

he could harden a heart. As an atheist, you spend quite a bit of time explaining to people that the Bible is, in fact, not a book of good moral fables, as most people believe, but rather an exceedingly dull and complex set of biographies held together by bat shit mythology and genocide, which a terrifying percentage of the world thinks is 100 percent true. People are familiar with Exodus through sanitized, made for TV, Disney-esque retellings and are thus wholly unprepared for the mind numbing redundancy of this genocidal lie. prepared for the mind-numbing redundancy of this genocidal lie but if the first time didn't kill us the second time will only make us stronger so we're pleased to present bible peace theater last time on bible peace theater i'm moses let my people go. Um, no.

Eh, so it goes. Knock, knock. Oh, don't do that, Kyle. Just come on right in. Okay, Pharaoh. Well, after last time. I was holding the cantaloupe at waist height for a thing. Yep, 100%.

Yes, absolutely. Waist height. So about the Jews. Oh, God damn it. Yep, 100%. Yes, absolutely. Waist height. So, about the Jews. Oh, goddammit. What'd they do now? Uh, okay. So you know how you took away their brick-building straw? Yes.

Uh, brick-building straw, of course. Right. So they're building a lot less bricks. What? I know. Crazy. Uh, what do you want me to tell them about that? Well, um, tell them to stop being so lazy and to build more bricks.

Build more bricks. You got it. Okay. This is a weird science story. Right. But it's in the book, so... So it goes, right? Oh, my God.

Is that your Moses? Pretty great, right? It's good. Yeah? It's good. Yeah. It's good. He can't talk correctly. God. God.

Whoa, there he is. Hey, no money, no problems. How'd it go with Pharaoh, huh? How'd it go over there? Not so good. I said let my people go, but he sort of told me where to stick it. See, if I were you, I would just avoid S's. I'm sorry, what?

Never mind. Look, big guy, it's like I told Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Joseph, you're going to get your own land, and you're going to have lots and lots of kids. Right, but they all died without the land that you had promised them. Right, but I'm gonna. I'm gonna. You believe

me, don't you? Oh, sir. Sir, yeah. Cool, because I'm gonna. Look, just go ask the pharaoh to let your people go. Again? Uh, yeah. Exactly how many times am I going to ask? A crazy, crazy boring amount of times. You sure I'm the one to ask? I have uncircumcised lips. I'm sorry, you have what now? My lips. Do you just call your lisp uncircumcised lips?

Yeah. Hey, hot take? Don't do that. Why not? It's a poetic flourish. Just go, tell you what, just go talk to Pharaoh. Alright, weirdo? What? I said weirdo.

Oh. Children of Israel, listen to me. God will stop this slavery. Yes, question? Yeah, sorry. Random Jew in the crowd. You know how you have your little speech thing super distracting

do you mean my uncircumcised lips yeah I guess that is what I mean I would not call it that though gross metaphor okay what about it alright well one seems like you're using a lot more S siblings

than you have to just to denote you, maybe search for some synonyms, maybe. Get a thesaurus, you dink. Yes, thank you, Dave. Get a thesaurus, exactly. And two, didn't you already ask Pharaoh to free us because God told you to? Yes, but this time will not be similar. Going out of your way for essence. Dave, okay. Dave, thank you. I got it. Going out of your way for essence. Dave, okay?

Dave? Thank you. I got it. I got it. Sorry. Yeah. So I think we're going to pass on your God thing, dude. Ah, shit.

These be the heads of their fathers' houses, the sons of Reuben, the firstborn of Israel, Hanukkah, and Pohan. All right, so I'm thinking I'm going to give some Dungeons & Dragons a shot. You played some of that, right? You know how that goes? Yeah. No, quite a bit.

You are going to hate Dungeons & Dragons. Wait, what? No, I like board games and strategy and stuff. I'm into that. Board games and strategy, adorable. Okay, yeah, let me put it this way. You know how much you love to play pretend with other adults? I have a whimsical side. You don't know.

Yeah, and you know how much you love to take other adults who are playing pretend super seriously? It is that. Yep, it's that. With dice rolling. Oh, okay. But dice have like, you know, some chance and strategy together. You got like... Nope, nope. 99% of the time you don't even know, some chance and strategy together. You got like... Nope, nope. 99% of the time, you don't even know why you're rolling the dice. What? Then why do you roll them?

Because the Dungeon Master says you roll them. The who now? Okay, imagine a board game where the rules are made up on the fly by a slam poet. That's the Dungeon Master. That sounds absolutely awful. Yeah, it is awful. That's why nerds do it. If it wasn't awful,

everyone would do it. I'm a dragonborn. You're 37. That's what you are. Okay. Moses, tell Pharaoh everything I have spoken to you.

Wait, didn't, I'm sorry, didn't we just have this conversation? Oh, MoMo for sure. You really don't get this book, do you? Also, didn't, I'm sorry, didn't we just have this conversation? Oh, mo-mo for sure, you really don't get this book, do you? Also, did that genealogy just say that my father and mother were a nephew and an aunt? I know, hot, right? Nope, nope, not my thing. Wait, who asked you to sing? No, I did not my... All right, look, go, go talk to Pharaoh, you inbred monster. Hey,

Not my... All right, look, go talk to Pharaoh, you inbred monster. Hey, maybe that's why I'm of uncircumcised... Uncircumcised lip. Yep, got it. Jesus. Guy would give Steve Bannon the willies. Hi, Pharaoh? Moses and his brother Aaron are here for their appointment with you?

Sure, sure. Send them in. Let my people go. Um... still no? We good? We done? So it, Aaron. Throw your stick. Oh, uh, okay. Ta-da!

Oh, is it a magic trick? Did you just do a magic trick? Is that what this is? Yep. God said you'd be all like, ooh, sit, did you see that? Okay, racist. I'm the pharaoh. I have like eight magicians. Whenever I want, I can have a magic trick.

Hey, magicians, do that that he just did. Oh, yeah? See this? Boom, boom, boom. Aaron swallowed all your rods. Dude, Moses. What? You had no better way to put that than I swallowed...

You did swallow the rods. Okay. Yu-Gi-Oh, you win the magic battle, obviously. So, you'll let my people go? Um, obviously. So you'll let my people go? Nope. But Aaron, if you leave a business card, I'll give you a ring if I have a bat mitzvah coming, something like that.

You'll be so sorry. Okay, I'd actually would like to leave a business card. Cool. Yeah, no, great. Great show, man. Thank you. Thank you. Lou, Lou, great. Great show, man. Thank you. Thank you. Lou, Lou, Lou.

Doing balcony stuff. Balcony stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Pharaoh. Hey, Moses. What are you up to down there? Watch this. Um, you turned the water red? No, no, it's not just red. It's blood.

Whose blood? Well, it's nobody's blood. It's just, it's just blood. I mean, that's gross. Were you going for gross? I was not going for gross, no. Well, it's gross. Also, my magicians can do that trick also. So, you know, just bad all around. You're not doing well. Let my people go? No.

Sit. Pharaoh! Pharaoh! Oh, good. He's back. Moses, what's up? Gonna let my suffering siblings out of their servitude now because there are frogs yes frogs the most fearsome of beasts nope um not even like top 50 uh really frogs really yeah man we're in africa uh also

my magicians can do this trick, too. Rick, Rick, do the frog thing. Show them. See? Classic. Thanks, Rick. Good work. Let my people go? You know what? Sure, just get rid of the frogs, and we'll do that.

Really? Totes, yep. Okay. I'm just fucking with you. Absolutely not. Damn it. Can't believe you fell for that. You're stupid.

Moses, where's Moses? Oh, hello, Pharaoh. Okay, did you do this? Oh, do what? Is something the matter? Yeah, something's the matter. You's the matter you gave us lice yes i did okay so you're saying your third plague is lice didn't realize so many fourth grade classes pissed off yahweh that's right lice lice can your magicians do that um uh, uh, hey, Rick.

Come here for a second. Yeah, can you do the lice thing? He says your god is real because he can't do that trick. See? See, are you going to let my people go? Because you gave me lice? No. I'm going to get a haircut, shampoo with mayo or whatever.

And also calm my wife down because she is freaking out. She's like a lice thing so that's a whole nightmare thanks for that sorry asshole well uh i do keep your family as slaves so all right so the the next plague would be flies okay but can we not do the sound effect? What sound effect? The flies. Like, I wear headphones when I'm listening to podcasts, and whenever anyone does, like, a fly sound effect, it totally freaks me out because it feels like there's a fly in my ear. I hate that, too.

Okay, but what are we going to use for the sound effect? I actually have an idea for that. Oh, man, these flies. There's flies everywhere. Moses, man. These flies. There's flies everywhere. Moses. Moses. Yes, Pharaoh? Please go sacrifice something to your god so these flies disappear.

It's gross. You want to let my people go? Yeah, no, totally. I will do that. No backsies? No backsies. They're everywhere. Please just do it.

Okay. Okay. No backsies. They're everywhere. Please just do it. Okay. So, are you going to let my people? Nope.

Darn it. Twice. It's twice you fell for that. You're so dumb. You played the Mystic River clip? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Got it. And so the plagues continued, butaraoh hardened his heart after each time uh what if i kill your cows um no boils no baroony fearsome hail not happening nope locusts no three days of darkness how about three days of darkness? Oh, no. What will I do? Oh, that's right. It's called a match. Seriously, darkness? Sarah. Sarah, get in here. Yes, Mr. God.

So, tell me, did my nine plagues work? Um, no. You keep hardening Pharaoh's heart, sir. Kind of, uh, defeats the purpose. Oh, hey, no. You keep hardening Pharaoh's heart, sir. Kind of, uh, defeats the purpose. Oh, hey, sir. Do you have any of the early seasons of Scrubs? My place only has the last one. Tyler, what are you doing up here?

Hey, God. How's your, uh, how's your bug thing going? What? I'm doing plagues. What do you mean, my bug thing? Oh, come on. Your plagues are like 30% bugs at this point. I did a darkness one. Oh, no.

Right. That thing that happens once a day. The Egyptians must have really lost their shit over that one. Okay. You know what? That's it. I'm going for the big guns. Sarah, kill Baron. Um, how does killing Baron make the Egyptians

do? I mean, kill all the firstborn sons. Kill them all. That'll show them the firstborns all dead. Baron's the youngest, sir. Yeah, he's the first youngest born. Cool, cool. Okay, just gonna roll with that.

Knock, knock. Kyle, uh, what what's what's happened to you always always good with names boy this last play sure is a doozy isn't it pharaoh yeah um we need some some help here somebody call a doctor he's not looking good no i don't need a doctor. Just, I just need to rest. Kyle, Kyle, no, you can't die. I, um, I need you to transmit information in a, you know, sassy yet meta way like you do. Oh, Pharaoh, you never needed me for that. You brought a meta third person perspective all on your own. But, but Kyle, you...

It's okay, boss. No. This was never going to work if they didn't have something to... Is that from Avengers? It is, remember? Oh my God. I cried like a baby.

Oh, me too. Me too. Great movie. Such a good movie. Right? So good. Thanos was correct. Yeah.

And on that nearly somber note, we'll take a break to remind you that god is supposed to be the good guy in this story and that we'll be back next month for more bible peace before we drop the ball in 2018 i want to remind you that if you'd like to start the New Year's right, you can still get tickets to our live record of Godawful Movies in Dallas on January 12th. We've still got a couple of platinum tickets available and plenty of general admission. Check out the show notes for a link to find out more. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i need to thank the brilliant and witty heath enright for all the brilliant wit i need to thank the lovely and talented lucinda illusions for all the lovely talent and i need to thank the benevolent and bountiful eli bosnick for all the good and plenty i also want to thank greta for this week's farnsworth quote. Also want to throw out an apology about all those unsolicited dick pics. I will talk to Eli. I'll get that under control.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Matthew, Michael, Anthony, Guy, Katie, Samantha, Taylor, Evenload, Benjamin, Taylor, Dr. Ace Manliness, and Steven. Matthew, Michael, Anthony, and Guy, whose balls don't need a calendar change to fill Times Square. Katie, Samantha, Taylor, and Evenload, whose IQs were doing numbers greater than 2018 before it was cool.

And Benjamin, Taylor, Dr. Ace, and Steven, whose cocks are so long the head will celebrate the new year well before the balls. Together, these 12 tremendous traducers of the tabernacle typified the tenderheartedness of our troop with a token of treasure to extend our tussle against the turpitude of the temple this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you'd like to prove yourself worthy, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not if it costs you money, you can also help a ton by liking our Facebook page, subscribing to our YouTube channel, sharing our stuff, and leaving a five-star review on iTunes. Admittedly, though, at this point, it would probably be easier to just give us money. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. LivingAtheist.com Oh my god, I got to try to explain what I do for a living to a dumb Christian person yesterday. It was so much fun. Oh, that's awesome. Because he kept asking questions. Okay, so binary code is the thing that they came up with. Alright, you know how lights are either on or off. All right, you know how lights are either on or off.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.