The Scathing Atheist - 307: I'll Make Hug to You Edition

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

In this week’s episode, Eli will make a New Year’s resolution to have sex with fewer mailboxes, Eli will fail at his New Year’s resolution, and we’re all left wondering how that works. Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 To find out how to see Noah live on The Atheist Experience on Sunday, January 13th, click here: http://www.atheist-experience.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: The Catholic Church in Illinois Didn’t Disclose Allegations Against 500+ Priests: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/19/the-catholic-church-in-illinois-didnt-disclose-allegations-against-500-priests/ Christmas Christian Freakout https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/08/the-story-of-god-impregnating-mary-isnt-a-story-about-rape/ Some Christians are mad at Mattel for considering same-sex wedding dolls: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/21/some-christians-are-mad-at-mattel-for-considering-same-sex-wedding-dolls/ Christian Airline https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/20/an-aviation-ministry-plans-to-launch-the-first-ever-christian-airline/ Arizona GOP legislators file overreaching bills to stifle classroom discussions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/28/arizona-gop-legislators-file-overreaching-bills-to-stifle-classroom-discussions/ Facebook awful sorry Franklin Graham has to follow hate speech rules: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/30/facebook-shouldnt-have-apologized-to-franklin-graham-for-his-hate-speech-ban/ Woman Claims in Lawsuit That Former Boss Forced Her to Adopt Scientology (doodly doo) https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/24/woman-claims-in-lawsuit-that-former-boss-forced-her-to-adopt-scientology/ A new album offers Christians clean music to play during sex: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/12/20/a-new-album-offers-christians-clean-music-to-play-during-sex/ This Week in Misogyny: Video: Bedouin judge forces accused wife to lick hot iron: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/01/video-shows-islamic-bedouin-judges-forcing-accused-wife-to-lick-red-hot-iron/ Female Mormon missionaries can now wear pants: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/02/female-mormon-missionaries-can-now-wear-pants-but-serious-restrictions-apply/

Warning, none of the resolutions involve cleaning up our language this year. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Puzzle in a Thunderstorm Freelance Governments for Hire. I'm just saying, if you don't want to open up, we'll do it. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello everyone, this is Bobbi from Central Illinois, and right now I'm sitting on my front porch, staring at my neighbor's confederate flag curtains and thinking to myself that this absurd display is a perfect example of why we did in fact

evolve from filthy monkey men. I mean come on people, just buy some fucking curtains. It's Thursday. It's January 3rd. That's my life. And my New Year's resolution is to fuck less mailboxes. And my New Year's resolution is to fuck less mailboxes. My New Year's resolution is also for Eli to fuck less mailboxes. I vote that he fucks fewer anyway.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from we still go to the city all the time, seriously, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia. This is the Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, I fucked the shit out of a mailbox. That was actually a soda machine. Switched it out. You flattened out your dick on the corner like a dollar bill.

You don't remember that? That's true. I'll spend the rest of the episode trying to purge that mental image. But first, the diatribe. When I was growing up, there were a handful of movie reviewers that could really make or break a movie. I don't feel like we have that anymore, but back then there were a couple. So like naturally, when one of those influential reviewers would say something good about a movie, the marketeers would swoop into action and add that compliment to the movie's promotional material. So you just kind of got used to seeing quotes on movie posters from Roger Ebert and Gene Shalit, or if they didn't get a good blurb from them, it would be from like some respected publication. You know, it'd be like,

this movie is awesome, the New York Times or whatever. But of course, not every movie has good reviews from respected critics. And eventually, movie posters started looking kind of naked without those blurbs. So the marketers would go one of two ways. Either they would scour the movie review universe and quote the morning radio guy from WKOP Des Moines or something. Or they would shave one of the more respected reviewers comments down until they sounded good. Gene Siskel would say the director exhibits a stunning lack of competence and the movie poster would just say stunning gene siskel and naive little optimist that i was i kind of thought that represented a low point for movie review blurb promotions but it got so much worse and and i realized this the

first time i ever saw a movie blurb attributed to somebody like at Smack Doggy 44. But even quoting random Twitter mentions apparently didn't represent rock bottom because the other day I saw an advertisement for a TV show where in the middle of the ad, they just stuck in phrases like gripping and amazing television in quotation marks. No attribution, mind you. Just quotation marks. Who are they quoting? Doesn't fucking matter. The attribution, mind you. Just quotation marks. Who are they quoting? Doesn't fucking matter. The promotional material for this show. This is a real-time quote, apparently.

And I know this sounds like a random thing to be bitching about, but holy shit. Is there anything else that you can think of that more aptly describes the America of 2018? Right? Like, where once we had trusted experts vetted through our collective experience, we now just have quotation marks. I mean, it's not like movies are the only place where we lost objective,

respected, principled commentators. I mean, they're still there if you're willing to look. But when it comes to convincing Americans of something, the good ones are interchangeable with the bad ones. They all come with quotation marks. Bullshit website with only the thinnest veneer of legitimacy making patently ridiculous claim goes toe-to-toe with the Washington fucking Post, and it's a goddamn toss-up in this country. Of course, I'm hardly the first person to bemoan the death of expertise.

People have been writing books about this for years with urgent warnings that if we don't do something soon, we might wind up with 2018. You know, the dystopian hellscape where an opinion gains the force of fact by the simple merit of appearing with quotation marks on either side of it. You have a peer-reviewed study from JAMA there? Well, this PragerU video also has quotes around it. You have the findings of a UN panel of PhDs? Well, this Breitbart article also has quotes around it. You have the findings of a UN panel of PhDs. Well, this Breitbart article also has quotes around it. You have you have double blind placebo tests. Well, this proverb also has quotes around it. And like most of you, I've spent a lot of time around these people who reject that very concept of expertise, right? People who are suspicious of anybody who went

to one of them ivory towers to learn what the man wanted him to know. You know, I'm just talking about the fucking rednecks on the right. It happens on the left. I spent years hanging out with hippies that would eye a doctor with suspicion if he said, hey, take two of these pills a day after meals. But if some unwashed vagrant in the parking lot outside a widespread panic show told him, hey, eat this algae three times a day and you'll live forever. They'd trade off two hits of ecstasy and a nug for that shit and choke it down religiously. Because when you reject expertise, it's not like you also reject advice. You know, it's not like everything gets through now. You can't believe all the claims. Too many

of them contradict. So you need something to separate the quotes you're going to accept from the ones you're going to reject. And once you rule out expertise as a metric, you've really only got your gut left to work with, right? I mean, sure, theoretically, you could just vet all the stuff before you decide what to believe. But if you don't accept expertise, where but your gut can you vet it? So you're left accepting the things that feel true to you, the things that reinforce the worldview you already have, the things that allow you to further insulate yourself in your uninformed fucking opinion and the things that doom society to make the same stupid fucking mistakes over and over again because we won't listen to the experts that already made them. Now, the good news, if there's good news, is that there is a way around this shit. It's not inevitable and for a template

on how to fix it we need to look no further than the film criticism industry i started this diatribe on i mean sure we don't have movie critics with the same stature as we once did but websites like rotten tomatoes do afford us the ability to collate all those lesser known critics and arrive at a consensus even without specific experts that we know. The modern consumer of cinema puts a hell of a lot more stock in the Rotten Tomatoes score than whatever complimentary blurb that marketing department guy managed to dig up. It took a while for the field of film criticism to catch up with the technology, but once it did, it actually created a system far more useful than the old one where we waited to see which way Siskel and Ebert were going to orient their thumbs.

So the only thing we're waiting for now, I guess, is for Americans to take governing their nation and protecting their planet as seriously as they take their movies. So, yeah, we're fucking doomed. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the bad and the ugly Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, we still have a bit of vulgarity for charity to catch up on. So how about offering up an insult to acting AG Matthew Whitaker on behalf of Matt? All right. That was a good pick, Matt. Matthew Whitaker looks like a bobblehead of Matthew Whitaker. He looks like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats became a Nazi supervillain's bodyguard. Oh my god, he does!

He really does. Matt Whitaker looks like the thing is gonna get you money if you've been injured in a slipping ball. He looks like he got kicked out of the Bald Evil Guy Club by Lex Luthor for raping up the club. In our lead story tonight illinois state attorney general lisa madigan has given law enforcement around the nation a fresh new reason

to question the efficacy of bringing the catholic church to justice by just calling up one diocese at a time and saying yo how many kid rapists y'all got because as it turns out much to our collective national surprise apparently the institution at the heart of the international child rape cabal that came into existence by exploiting a lie and maintain power by burning anyone that publicly questioned him alive for centuries can't be trusted on the honor system yeah catholic parents have just been like leaving that bucket of halloween candy on their front porch that says, take one, and the Catholic Church just breaks into the house and

rapes all the kids. It's a weird analogy. I mean, if they only rape one, that's a misunderstanding. You know what I'm saying? That's an innocent misunderstanding. Alright, so ever since the bombshell grand jury report out of Pennsylvania last August, we've had this

awkward follow-up where the states all over the country are calling up Catholic diocese going, OK, so sorry, we didn't ask earlier. Kind of assumed you just volunteer this information. But do you happen to have a list of budget child rapists that you're harboring or have harbored in the recent past to which the answer has been yes every single fucking time every single time maybe they're just asking the bad stage yeah just like okay well this is a bad system guys this is a bad system here we're gonna switch it up uh hands up if you're not hiding rapists this will be easier nobody larry really you work for us all right man we'll talk in that we're doing the catholics now but we're going to talk in the car okay that's too late now you can't just put it up now of course some clever attorneys general consider the possibility that the people

whose chief saleable asset is their proprietary ability to turn crackers into chunks of magical dead cracker flavored jew might not be entirely forthcoming so in addition to asking the diocese to voluntarily name all their rapists the state of illinois also set up a hotline for victims to call in and name the priests that raped them and it turns out they got way more names from the latter than the former like that's weird like 505 more names somebody's lying on one of those clearly someone's lying so okay the diocese official list included the name of 185 clergy the list the ag's office put together from the victims reports had 690 names no okay wait i remember this from last year uh they put a list of names together and then they asked the catholic church to say how many people are rapists then they'll be honest we'll trick them into it yeah but look as bad as this already sounds it's

actually worse okay so i just i have to add this the list of 185 names that the church offered up only included people that had already been reported to the authorities or were dead. But 45 of those 185, nearly a one in four, got reported since the Pennsylvania grand jury report. Like like when they realized that all the states were going to go in and ask for the list, they suddenly remembered nearly four dozen names of credibly accused child rapists that they've been meaning to follow up on. And at the same time, continued to forget to report 42 dozen more.

Hold on, there's a post-it on the side of my monitor with the ones who I forgot. I hadn't entered it. Yeah, that's a rave. I've been here for a while, guys. I've been here for a while. And in Alpha Omega State news, after being voted most likely to make Jim Crow great again in the state Congress yearbook, GOP lawmakers in Arizona decided to improve their reputation

and pivot their focus to something more positive. And of course, that would be making sure their public schools aren't skewing the curriculum towards things that are true yeah i can't have that instead they want to be teaching the controversy and presenting equal amounts of things that are false i guess for example white people aren't racist. That's an example they'll give. We'll get there. So I guess it's not a big pivot, but it's something. They're doing something.

Arizona. YouTube comments. The state. Right. Yeah. So I guess the final solution for Latinos is firmly in place now. And it's time to make sure the younger generation doesn't fuck up that plan. Derail the train.

And that's why State Representative Mark Fincham filed a new bill last week that would prohibit teachers from engaging in political, ideological, or religious advocacy in the classroom. Which actually sounds reasonable. Almost sounds like a rule we already have for the entire country. And by almost, I mean, yes, it absolutely absolutely is. Yep. But the bill wouldn't stop there. It basically says First Amendment,

not the fucking atheist part, don't be a dick, but the First Amendment otherwise, plus no talking about any real world issues that arise from academic material like seriously that's what it says no no no this is actually super smart because think about it guys what's the only thing you can study but learn nothing about the real world religion exactly they nailed it checkmate yeah so here's a few of the exact words from this bill the law would forbid quote any controversial issue

that is not germane to the subject matter and that sentence fragment is apparently the size of the attention span of gop lawmakers in arizona because the very next item after no controversial tangents says teach the controversy idiots here's uh some more of the exact wording from the bill quote to ensure that students have the resources to make independent decisions on these issues a teacher must provide students with materials supporting both sides of the controversy and present those views in a fair-minded and non-partisan manner, end quote. Yeah, I mean, when your political position is imaginary stuff is real, education is partisan by definition.

It's a real hang-up. Yeah, so basically no cheating in telling the kids which side is true. You can't skew it like that. Are bananas designed just like a Rolex? You decide. 50-50. I don't know. Yeah, they're going with the fair and balanced education style.

The Fox News pedagogical method that's exciting for Arizona. And speaking of Fox News, there's also a rule that says teachers wouldn't be allowed to, quote, to quote single out one racial group of students as being responsible for the suffering or inequities experienced by another racial group of students what end quote okay uh we're not gonna say who started all the wars but avram moshi rebecca yahuda It was you as individuals. I love the thought of history teachers trying to navigate this one, right? How do you? Yeah. And then all the people who couldn't dance as good had to free all the people who couldn't catch a cab as good. And then the Mexican-American war started itself.

Fuck it, guys. I'm going home. They had a swimming race. I don't want to say who won. You're a racist. Just to make sure there's a tangible penalty for sneaking nuance or reality propaganda into schools schools there's a second bill that basically says uh a triple stamp or double stamp from before and you're allowed to sue any teacher you want if you think they're being too sciencey so great what could possibly go wrong i can't see this

being abused at all should be fine great job arizona we'll beat them to it i got a plan we enroll some kids in Arizona schools and we just start suing the shit out of everyone the moment they say anything true. Just sue. Sue. Sue. We can get this thing crushed. Alright, quick before Eli offers up any thoughts on where we'd get those kids in the first place,

we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape. Then it's your slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! lovely wife, Lucinda. So my first thought for this week was to do a year in review thing, but I decided against it because just looking at the sexism stories from any single week of the year was depressing enough. So instead, I thought I'd focus on the transition. I brought two stories this week, one from 2018 and a somewhat more hopeful one from 2019. So representing 2018 this week will be a recent story out of 1631. A number of listeners sent me links to this video out of Egypt that shows what passes for a judicial system among nomadic

Bedouin tribes, and it's to build a bridge out of her scene from the Holy Grail without the sardonic wit. The video shows a woman who has been accused of being unfaithful to her husband, and to determine her innocence or guilt, rather than fuck around with the whole big court thing with witnesses and evidence, they use a trial by fire. Literally. Now, they don't set her on fire. That would be barbaric, and it would smell horrible, and they don't want it to smell horrible.

So instead, they lay an iron in a fire and wait for it to get red hot. Then they force the woman to lick it three times. And according to the guys judging her trial, if she's innocent, the rod won't blacken or blister her tongue. I should note here, by the way, that the law in Egypt expressly forbids this practice, which is mostly just depressing because it means it happens so often that they had to make a law. But also the people in the video aren't exactly hiding their faces from the camera, asking the filmmakers to obscure their faces. They sure don't seem to be worried about getting punished for this because let's face it, religious people in Egypt have to follow the law even less than the ones in America. But let's move beyond that story. It's so 2018. Instead, I want to focus on some

good news or what passes as good news when you do a segment called This Week in Misogyny. So as it turns out, Mormons are working hard to shed their label of being backward, sexist, and antiquated by announcing a rule change that will allow female missionaries to wear pants. Can you believe that shit? Ladies and pants? Of course course they're not just letting in any old pants they have to be long baggy slacks and they can't be showing gratuitous ankle they also have to be conservatively colored so caucasian also women missionaries can't just wear pants any old wear they still have to wear skirts at sunday worship baptismals conferences or other official mormon functions mostly actually just when trekking through malarial jungles looking for humans who have to wear skirts at Sunday worship, baptismals, conferences, or other official Mormon functions.

Mostly, actually, just when trekking through malarial jungles looking for humans who haven't heard about Joseph Smith's criminal record yet. Now, if you'll excuse me, the 51% of the country that are women now control almost 25% of the Congress, and apparently we're still celebrating that. So I'll rush off to grab my party hat and bong and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Christian freakout news tonight, while children all over the world eagerly awaited their PlayStations, toy trains, and dental dams this holiday season,

we here at the Scathing Atheist were awaiting a very special gift of our own. 2018's Christian Christmas freakout. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Freakout. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian Freakout. Christmas-y. That was Christmas-y. All right, gents.

So before we reveal our big winner, any guesses for 2018's Christian Christmas Freakout? The fact that you're still doing Christmas-themed shit in 2019? That's a pretty good answer. I'm going to guess Sarah Huckabee Sanders finally got one of those White House Christmas trees inside herself. Hurtful and fantastic, respectively. But no, it was 2018, and it was news,

which means we found out that everyone with a penis that isn't Heath and Noah is a rapist. And the biggest rapist of them all God call forward this all started when associate professor at Minnesota State Eric Sprankle tweeted quote the virgin birth

story is about an all-knowing all-powerful deity impregnating a human teen there is no definition of consent that would include that scenario. Good point. Happy holidays. No, there is not. End quote. Also, your name is Eric Sprankle. I just want to repeat that. His name is Eric Sprankle. He's got to do what he can. And just like Noah said, of course, he's right. I mean, even if we assume that Mary's testimony in Luke qualifies as consent, I don't think it does. The nature of

omnipotence means that God made Mary do everything. Well, yeah. And also you and me. Well, what I'm saying is technically God raped everybody ever if he's omnipotent and omniscient. So, you know. Yeah. Well, God likes beer. He likes to drink beer. but as you can see on his calendar it says don't rape mary today yeah that's another don't rape mary day and by the way it's worth noting that the that the most that any of the apologists are even trying to do is like plead god down to statutory rape on a technicality right exactly they're pulling an r kelly for their exactly so the fact that this conversation is only less silly than how could superman fuck lois lane because millions of people don't believe superman is real didn't stop

media darling tucker carlson from getting mark stein on his show to lose their goddamn minds about a tweet. Now, there's a lot of things to love about this interview, but my favorite moment is when Tucker Carlson thinks he's adding something when Stein is ranting about people not liking this tweet or liking this tweet. And Tucker adds something when he says, quote, and it's not even brave. They never say this kind of thing about Jeff Bezos.

They suck up to people in power. What? No, no, it's a common mistake. Jeff Bezos is an omniscient, you see. Also hasn't raped any 0th century tweens that we know of. We don't know that. He's got a lot of money. There's a couple of distinctions that can be made.

A couple of them. And there's one more thing I want to point out about this story, because I know a lot of you saw it. Carlson almost certainly learned about this tweet from the organization Turning Points USA, which is a literal psyop funded by the Koch brothers that pays students to inform on their liberal professors. So I'm just saying, next time your uncle points out how crazy the atheists on university campuses are, remind him that we aren't the ones with literal dark money funded child spies reporting

to the right wing media. Or don't go to that Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore. Just skip that. And speaking of Christian freakouts, next up, we have another story about

almost anything. Reality happened again. Anna, one more time. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. It's a pretty universal intro. This fits for a lot. So, Christian Snowflakes are having a meltdown again.

And this latest example is all thanks to the Mattel Toy Company, the creators of the Barbie doll, who announced their plan last week to create a set of dolls with a same-sex wedding theme. Gay. I mean, Heath, there are only two same-sex wedding themes, tasteless or political. Come at me, Twitter. You know I'm right. You know I'm right.

Eli, to be fair, they all have to get their cakes from the same guy. That's fair. He just does penises and flags. So, congrats to Nick Caprio and Matt Jacoby for helping make this happen. They're a couple who wanted to get a same-sex doll couple as a gift for Jacoby's little niece, but weren't able to find anything on the mass market. So they contacted Mattel and asked the company to consider ending their weird policy of producing hetero-only doll couples because it's fucking 2019. Grow up. And it worked.

Supply reached out to meet demand. It's amazing. But for some reason, the Christian community of self-professed Milton Friedman Chicago School libertarian economists who don't know what any of those words I just said mean, they didn't enjoy this very very elegant market solution i mean it seems that way but to be fair i'm pretty sure the venn diagram of you know shrill women offended by gay marriage and people who still buy barbies for their kids is

a circle he so you see that it's about market share so here's the reaction we got from the christian media hub life site news quote homosexual celebrations celebrations they're gonna be they're gonna be coming to toy aisles nationwide and please somebody do that the gayest parties you could possibly put together in some toy aisles that would be amazing heath i gotta tell you i think you are underestimating how gay a party I can imagine. I don't think I am. I really, really don't think I am. Challenge accepted. See you at Target.

Wink. Got it. Continuing. Homosexual celebrations are coming if Mattel accepts a proposal to produce sets of same-sex wedding dolls. And by the way, wedding was in quotes there. Yes.

Despite that whole thing with the Supreme Court ruling. I guess it's like, you know, Friedman Blacks would be in quotes when they describe the African Barbie doll. Well, it's okay. Well, it's okay. Here we have a grown man whose rage is calculated to say in no uncertain terms that when he plays with Barbie dolls, he plays with them heterosexually, damn it. What is the point? And continuing the quote one more time. Lefty types seem to have an obsession with molding the kiddos to do their bidding. Way to make the gift all about yourself, chief.

Literally, he says chief to somebody. Maybe I'll follow suit and give everyone a stocking full of guitar strings, handgun ammo, and beef jerky. You know, things I like. Those would have been my guesses of things. That I'm not embarrassed to be the list

of things that I like in an article I write. And again, his choices of gifts that he would like are very intentionally screaming, I'm angry about boy dolls kissing in a manly way, a manly way with handgun ammunition and dried beef. Heath. Yeah, so, bottom line, if Christian people are this offended by a depiction of the mere existence of gay people, I think we need to get some aggressively sexual gay

dolls into the toy stores, too. As much as possible. Blanket party party. It doesn't matter what we're talking about. That's always Heath's conclusion. That's the bottom line, just in general. That's my pinned tweet. top line too and finally tonight we have a story about music for christians to play during christian sex and if you're anything like me your first thought when you heard that was oh good maybe it's a meditation mantra compilation that just says get consent

get consent over and over and over or grown-ups only grown-ups but sadly no it's neither of those things it's an album of bible-friendly christian fuck songs by gospel artist Tamela Mann and her husband David Mann. And apparently it's meant for Christian couples who want intimacy without tasteless lyrics. Oh, I can see the title now. Girl, I'm gonna, you know, it'll be fun, I promise.

I'm sorry, but this is the kind of product you could only think the world needs if you've never fucked to the Mighty Mouse theme. That is a fucking wholesome song. Yeah, and the rhythm's just right. Two votes. And here I do come.

So the men's are African-Americans who don't seem to be aware of the biblical stance on their existence. existence. They also seem unaware that they look like a geriatric version of the Barbie dolls that never sell in whatever redneck town in Texas they live in. They're beautiful people is what I'm saying. That's how I feel like they know.

They look like CeeLo Green is starring in a retirement home's production of The Bodyguard. Beautiful people, exactly. But their new album entitled us against the world is not beautiful it's it's rough they sound like jasmine and aladdin singing r&b ballad duets about fallopian tubes and like sciencey baby making it's like like boys to men lyrics got redacted by a nun right before the church karaoke night it's terrible well but and that could be fucking phenomenal like i was thinking that it

was just gonna be like baudelarized existing r&b lyrics but no it was way less fun i mean that would have been great right singing about finding you in the alps constantly and have it awesome no baby all through the night procreate with you yeah that'll be good uh anyway we'll work on it we'll work on an album i like that idea and uh by the way here's how they described the inspiration for the album according to david quote we wanted to make music that people can have those intimate moments with and not listen and be like girl let me slap you bump you pop you all of that stuff you know they said that quote right before i dropped my r&b album of the exact same title get andrew on the phone right now right the fuck now okay slap you bump you those are not rnb lyrics those are yearbook

signatures from supreme court justice brett kavanaugh also if you're slapping and popping her that's extra christian isn't it that's in the book that's in the book and you got like a 48 hour rule if it's these two exact people you pop you pop them a little too hard. Yeah. So apparently this is a big problem for Christian couples, I guess. They're fully clothed and weeping with guilt, trying to jam a penis out through one

zipper and in through another. I mean, that's a lot of attention you're paying to that already. And the music has a naughty word and David A.R. white loses his god erection immediately because that crazy naughty word but then tamela man walks in and says there must be a better way music and uh speaking of which i think we're gonna need 10 seconds on the clock that's uh about enough time to procreate right ideas for the christian sex mixtape go

uh let's make hug by barry white and delights uh i can't stop loving you because our religion rejects the concept of marital rape uh by rape charles let me smell your dick Clark New Year's Rockin' Eve Memorial Poker Eat. Marvin Straight, and that would of course be heterosexual healing.

Alright, and now that Christians have something to fuck to, I guess our work is done. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Lee Strobel still won't have given up on us. Hey, everybody. Eli here with some exciting news. As you know, our very own No Illusions

doesn't really do debates. Uh, I mean, unless you count that time at Wendy's, that was serious. Sir, sir sir you need oh sir and another ketchup packet brian okay sir and another sir and sir another that's private property sir should have given him the ketchup packets when he asked for him either way we are pleased to announce that on januaryth, he will be on the Atheist Experience, and we want you

to tune in. But more than that, we want your stupid Christian uncle to tune in as well. We do. Or that asshole from your hometown who always comments on your Facebook posts. Or your dad, because we've been looking forward to this almost as long as you

have. Hey, Noah. Noah, I know the exit is deceptively far from the stuff that's said on the sign, but I think it's still a felony to fuck with the signs. Noah? I almost got it. I'm almost done. Okay.

Okay. So tune in to watch Noah on the Atheist Experience live January 13th at 5.30 p.m. Eastern Time. And invite your shitty uncle to call too. You know you want to. Which one of you motherfuckers moved my pop filter? Lucinda did. Lucinda.

Lucinda moved your pop filter. it's hard to say which religious figure is the most full of shit and i suppose any answer would be subject to interpretation so i'm not going to say lee strobel is definitively more full of shit than joseph smith or muhammad but i will point out that we were able to fit all the stupid from their books into single calendar years, and that is not the case for Lee, as we now apparently have some type of dangler. So here's yet another chapter of the goddamn case for fucking Christ. And rejoining us for yet more of this shit is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Come meet the new year, the same as the old year ain't it though all right so this week we're going to be digging

into chapter 13 the evidence of appearances was jesus seen alive after his death on the cross nope there's so many easy answers and he has so many extra words. It takes so long. All right, see you next time on the Caholi Babble. We learned right away that Lee is equal opportunity here. This time our opening murder is of a black girl. Well, there you go. It's so fucking random. So, okay, so the point he's trying to make is Jesus had a lot more going for him than just an empty tomb, y'all. But to make that point, he starts with the infamous Alabama church bombing of 1963. Yeah.

His literal example is, all right, so you remember how the KKK killed those little girls and then her body was lost? Well, nobody thought she was the savior. We have fun here at Case for Christ. What? the savior we have fun here at case for christ all right how do i explain that empty casket is not equal to savior of the universe all right it's a tricky concept to explain i would need a good example okay so the jews were ruining the Germany con. It's kind of their fault they lost World War I, too, if you think about it.

Okay, so now it's time for the 12th interview. This is what I've been looking forward to. This is going to be Gary Habermas, who Lee bills as the guy with, quote, the most sophisticated defense of the resurrection to date, end quote. Yeah, and it's important to show that we know that Gary Habermas could kick some ass if it came down to it. He tries. He's like, this dude's a fighter in the marketplace of ideas.

He has a knife, sharp wit. Please don't Google him. Which is good advice, actually, because he looks like Pavarotti's cum double. He also tells us about how Habermas whipped up on Anthony Flew in a debate. And if you've never heard of Anthony Flew, that's really on you.

He is, after all, quote, one of the leading philosophical atheists in the world, end quote. He is? Like, right there on the leaderboard? It's hard to follow those rankings like we need a playoff system right it's complicated no but anthony fleas the guy uh credited with naming the no true scotsman fallacy and he became a christian in 2004 so you know one of those famous atheists who became christian He actually became a fucking deist and shit.

Then the Christians were like, see, Christian. He's a completed atheist. There you go. He says, I met him at his office at Liberty University where he's a distinguished, and I'm like, bullshit. Bullshit. Doesn't matter how that sentence ends. Bullshit. But just for the record, it ends with

Director of the Master's Program in Apologetics. They have a Master's degree in like shhh. I don't know. I have an MA in shhh. A Master's degree

in being wrong, extra smart-esque. It's a fucking Master's degree in motivated reasoning, though. It really is. Right. Well, we also get a tease for some gay sex that never pays off in this intro. He says he also has a tender side, which I would discover quite unexpectedly before our interview was over. Right.

I was so hoping for gay sex. There's a saxophone playing. He looks like a tender lover. All right, so Lee opens up the interview strong. He says, isn't it true that nobody was actually looking at dead Jesus when he turned back into a live Jesus?

He gets into this by saying, you know, we know dinosaurs are real because of fossils, and you can just feel Lee thinking, oh, come on, man. You know who I'm writing for. Sorry, sorry, bad example. We know Jesus got

resurrected because of the lack of fossils. There you go. Show me a Jesus fossil. I'm a fucking atheist right now. But you can't. You say that as a joke, but they actually say that. They actually say, well, why come nobody could show us the bones of Christ? He was the format of an argument they're making.

Yep. Yeah, it is. And the first place Habermas goes is Corinthians, which is to say right after Saul fell off his horse and had a nervous breakdown. He had a damn vivid dream. Did he not? Lee gets it. I'm tripping on shrooms. i see garfield the cat with a nine foot penis history that's how history is made show me a cat with an eight foot penis exactly

or a ten foot penis can you too slow exactly christ is god qed and then we slide into a bizarre tangent where lee demands proof that the passage from corinthians that gary habermas is referring to is really an early christian creed and not just shit that paul said but but since unless you accept lee's argument paul created the fucking religion i'm not sure how you draw a line between those two things. No, and his response apparently is to say, dude, even Jews think it's a creed. Fuck off. Here's a Jew who agrees with me. And apparently there's a verb in ancient Greek that means received a creed, delivered a creed.

This is definitely a fucking creed. And Elise Strobel is an amazing journalist. The verb. They had a dedicated word for all that. And Paul fucking used it there. But not for like time going in order. No, no, not at all. I didn't understand what his point was with this section.

Like, this feels like the Christian version of me joking about things that happened before we started recording. Well, right. No. talking about things that happened before we started recording. Well, right. No, okay, so after a page or two, it occurs to Lee that Paul quoting an early creed is actually way less convincing than Paul talking about something he knew to be true.

So he hastily addresses that eventually. Yeah, and don't worry. It looks like Paul fact-checked the creed. That's what he said. Habermas is pretty sure that that's what he was doing with Peter and James and Galatians. He was fact-checking early Christian creeds. Well, no, I mean, he's positive about it.

There's another very important word at play here. Paul wasn't just doing a casual Snopes check at this point. This was a fucking historio. And that's an ancient Greek word for for this is definitely true and no illusions should stop being a dick he was a great journalist yeah and quick before the next subheading lee admits that the argument he's presenting in this book is pretty convincing again yes so far i'm doing a great job okay but if you're familiar with the creed in question, you'll note that it also says that Jesus appeared before 500 people at some point, which is never mentioned anywhere else in the gospel. So Lee digs into that in a Netflixian title subheading, The Mystery of the 500.

And when Lee points out this discrepancy, he notes that his interviewee seems offended that he's even bringing it up. Right. Which happens a lot with the people that he interviews and also diminishes the ever-loving hell out of their credibility. Right. He's constantly like, he was really angry that I asked this question. Academic rebuttals very rarely constrain phrases like, quote, I mean, give me a break, end quote. But they should. They should.

Did your voice just go up at the end? Was that a fucking question? How dare you? How fucking dare you? Not a good sign when your expert says stuff like that. Yeah. Alright. Do I have their argument right here? They're saying, sure,

nobody else mentioned the 500 witnesses, but Paul was first. So, you you know no point in repeating it all late like an asshole yes okay like after habermas's tirade lee sheepishly interjects long enough to say well still like uh a dead guy appearing before 500 people in public seems like somebody would have written that down and habermas's response to why didn't any of those 500 people or any of the people that they talked to later about it think the resurrection of a dead preacher was worthy of recording for posterity his answer is literally quote how long do local stories

circulate before they die out really and we ask that question every week on Skathing. Not fast enough. Come on. I mean, I still talk about the time in middle school when I rolled an all-sport bottle end over end down the table like five times and it landed straight up on its end. It was fucking amazing. I retell that story about once a week. I hold a webinar about it. I call friends and we get together. We have meetings.

This is 25 years ago that happened. Then we move from the epistles to the gospels where dead Jesus was just popping up all over the place. It was like one of those little gophers with the hammer. Yeah. And is it just me or does the opening of Gary Abrams' answer have a real Dr. Seuss feel to it? Right. He starts talking about Jesus appeared to individuals. He appeared to groups. Does the opening of Gary Abrams' answer have a real Dr. Seuss feel to it? Right? He starts talking about Jesus appeared to individuals. He appeared to groups.

He appeared outdoors. He appeared indoors. I'm like, yes, but could he do it with a fox? It's a good question. And once again, we retreat to the argument from, well, if these people were lying, they must have been lying right away. Yeah. Who does this convince? All lies start off as lies.

That's how that works. Just a big meeting among the apostles. Okay, guys, who saw the risen Christ among his followers? Okay, all of you. Are you lying? Because you are going to have to stick to this. Okay? Okay?

All right. You guys want to do over on that with the eyes closed i will turn around and turn off the light all right and let's be clear because the list of all the appearances of jesus in the bible which is presented right here pales in comparison to the number of elvis sightings in the 80s, right? Which all happened within a few years of his death. And apropos of nothing, I have a notebook from high school with very, very clear evidence about a long series of vaginal orgasms that I caught without ever seeing a vagina. It was amazing. It was magical. True story. and when lee asked for more accounts havermas goes to acts like anything else that can corroborate the new testament how about more of the

new testament yes written by this part written by the same guy as the last part paul equals paul yeah he uses a lot of big words but they're just there to distract you from the fact that his entire argument seems to be even the earliest Christians believed in Christianity. That's about it. Jesus. And then Lee's like, huh, the entire New Testament seems to agree on the chief assertion of the New Testament. And that's pretty darn convincing. Maybe the most convincing thing ever.

But I still had one more trick up my atheist sleeve. So we get a sub heading on mark's missing conclusion right kind of hard not to at least address this part because every biblical scholar seems to agree that marks was the earliest gospel and it never mentions the part where jesus comes back to life and appears to people well yeah right well to be clear it does mention that in the modern versions but all that ending shit was added later like he doesn't mention that in the old ones modern versions jesus skateboards past mark jamming on his zoom oh did it say he was searching on bing uh okay yeah it's just

complicated uh so bing is actually an ancient greek word for uh the search engine that doesn't make us look stupid savvy we know what we're doing and but but hammer mass is like mark wasn't focused on every little detail so obviously unimportant stuff like the founder of the religion empowering a ministry in physical form after having died publicly would get laughed out now and again he even implies that Mark was saving some good stuff for the sequel. Yes! There's this amazingly weird wink of

like, maybe you and I will find out when God zoops everyone to heaven. I'm like the grandpa from Princess Bride. Doing a little excited. Just one last question.'re colombo we got it yeah all right so he opens up the next section by saying quote without question the amount of

testimony and corroboration of jesus's post-resurrection appearances is staggering end quote and i feel like staggering would generally suggest, at the very least, appearing in multiple sources. But apparently, no, the Bible seems to generally agree with itself on this is enough to stagger Lee Strobel. There's one thing I've learned from this book. It's that I want to tell Lee Strobel a ghost story. Where did the sweater come from, though? Lee Strobel a ghost story. Where did the sweater come from though?

And if we ever meet him, I think you got to tell him the ghost story. Absolutely. But the game will be how many famous hate crimes we can get him to mention. So Lee Strobel, Jesus never resisted arrest

by the Romans, did he? Rodney King was an impolite man 10 points rodney king all right but but staggered or not lee is going to toss out a few alternate theories uh so that he can see habermas terram to shreds and we're gonna start with possibility one the appearances are legendary and that's a pretty strong argument especially when the evidence by their own admission are stories that get increasingly grandiose over time right now one might even skip over calling that evidence and just look at the definition of legendary yeah no exactly and holy shit is habermas's rebuttal weak he says okay even if it was exaggerated through legend though something had to happen to start the legend

yeah descartes is real so end of proof jesus thinks therefore he am that he am well and then he concludes that since something must have started the legend, it must also have been a dead guy starting back up again after being unplugged and plugged back in for 30 seconds or whatever. Which would be like concluding that the kernel of truth at the heart of the Odyssey is that way back in the day, animals could talk. All right. All right. You play an oddball. You play an oddball.

Let's compromise. Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to 250 people. You see that? We just doubled the odds of the resurrection. Fucking double. You could argue with math. He also tries to argue his way out of the legend hypothesis by

citing the legend. This guy is literally one of the best they have, too. So with that one debunked, I guess, we move on to possibility number two. The appearances were hallucinations. Okay, so...

You eating your tail, buddy? You want to put your tail away for a minute before you move on? And look, this is a straw man in the sense that it's a stupid argument that nobody's making we really don't need additional possibilities beyond the story where the guy sucks demons out of a crazy guy and puts him into suicidal pigs is alleged right that pretty much does it but straw man or not it's still a better argument than the actual assertion they're making so sure let's hash

this one out he even says at one point that thomas was a skeptic skeptics don't hallucinate and first of all yes we do two of us don't even need drugs to do it but secondly we don't have thomas's testimony we have what other people say thomas saw yeah we have another middle school story right like yes mark, yes, Mark had said that Matthew had said that Luke had said that he saw Thomas beating up 10 cops. So. Also another quick bit of bafflingly bad logic from the PhD here. He says,

quote, if we establish the gospel accounts as being reliable, how do you account for the disciples eating with jesus and touching him end quote but but establishing the gospels as reliable is what you're trying to do right like that's what you're tasked with the ultimate argument here is literally if i'm right i'm right who makes up a lunch? I mean, besides the president. Bad example. Come back. Jesus. Okay. But then Lee backs off a bit in light of these very powerful arguments.

And he says, okay, what if it wasn't a hallucination per se, but more like that thing that Wiccan hippies do after a ritual has no result whatsoever. And then everybody starts going, hey, did anybody else feel that? Is that what happens? Oh, yeah. And I'm sorry, but was Habermas' first argument here, I know atheists are, but what am I? Yes, it was. Okay. Okay.

Tell me if I'm wrong about this. Is his argument, sure, maybe they all lied because their entire religion was based on it. But atheists might also be lying about all the things they don't believe yeah i think i think that's it and then he closes his interview with habermas with one more of his notorious hardballs he says so does this resurrection thing matter much you think oh jesus and and lee's like and to be honest i wasn't expecting to get a full page and a half off of this but he started bawling like a baby and shit, so I figured I might as well pad my word

count a little. Yeah, so out of fucking nowhere, Habermas is telling us the story of his wife dying of stomach cancer. Okay. Yeah, that was weird. This felt like Lee Strobel didn't have something to start the next chapter, one of his ridiculous

terrifying stories. He was like, oh, Gary, so just last thing, any chance you have a good story about somebody dying? A black person, maybe? Your wife? Is that what she said? Is she black? Whatever, it's fine. As long as somebody dies,

we're good. Can you pretend she's black? Look, and this is yet another example of the interview subject undercutting the fuck out of his own credibility and Lee being too dumb to notice. Right. Why would you keep this? He basically says, look, I have to cling to this Christianity thing or I'll be forced to deal with the fact that I'm never going to see my dead wife again. So, of course, I'm being perfectly objective. You might as well end this by being like, look, like Eli's mom every time

religion comes up at Christmas, I'm just going to stare at you until you start talking about something else. Your father's dead. Your father's dead. But of course, we'd never get out of a Lee Strobel chapter that easy. One death never does it. So then we get the

deliberation questions we have four of them again so uh starting with question one habermas reduced the issue of the resurrection down to two questions did jesus die and was he later seen alive based on the evidence so far how would you answer those questions and why heath you seem to be dying to answer this one oh no i'm excited about this one. Okay. I'd ask whoever asked me those two questions, I'd ask them to, hey, you know, lean in really close. Lean in really close. Cool. And then I'd whisper,

I'm holding a gun in my pocket. Give me all your money. We are both taking this seriously in equal amounts right now. Yeah, I'd answer them nimbly. i love that did jesus die is question one so pretty much no matter what they're half right yeah yes he is not still alive we can all agree on that all right question

two how influential is the first corinthians 15 creed in your assessment of whether Jesus was seen alive? What are your reasons for concluding that it's significant or insignificant in your investigation? Not at all. And for the same reasons I don't believe women who say they think Me Too has gone too far. Well, when trying to determine if the Bible is correct, the fact that the Bible says says so is insignificant i feel like this was meant to be a trick question i think it was supposed to be harder not sure how i'm supposed to you know i'd say it was pretty darn influential especially the part where it doesn't match up to the goddamn gospels later you fucking idiots all right two more question three spend a few minutes to look up some of the gospel appearances cited by Habermas.

No. Yeah, you do it. Absolutely not. Do they have the ring of truth? Jesus. Do they have the ring of truth to you? N.A. I wish you evaluate them as evidence for the resurrection.

I love that even this question has built in bullshit. Right? Really really 13 chapters are the best he can even hope for us but it sounds like a true thing might sound like though right yeah the ring of truth that sounds like an item you'd need to make it past a fourth castle or all right so finally question four habermas spoke about how the resurrection had a personal meaning for him. Have you faced... This is so awful. Have you faced a loss in your life?

Eli. How would belief in the resurrection affect the way you view it? Eli. I mean, look, I lost a whole fucking year on this book. Didn't I? Yeah, I mean, I know some who who turned out to be not immortal right but none of them was jesus christ so belief in his resurrection doesn't really come into play right but let's get to the underlying manipulation here like yeah yes I guess I would feel better to know that my dad is just ignoring me?

Or more accurately, burning in hell. Right. Yeah, or he got resurrected as some shitty thing that can't talk. You don't know. Right, right. A lot of possibilities. Okay, so on that note, we're going to bid Leah not so fond to do for the night, but we've still got another

chapter and a goddamn conclusion. So we'll be back soon with even still more Case for Christ. We fucking have to. Before we raise the drawbridge tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to tune in to see me on The Atheist Experience next Sunday. I'll have

links on how to watch live on the show notes for this episode. And if you missed that, we'll have links on how to watch it in archives on our Facebook page. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Neededies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half-Sister Show Citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this

episode would ring hollow if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being the light to my darkness. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for being the yin to my yang. I need to thank Eli Bosney for being the oil to my vinegar. Also want to thank Bobby from Central Illinois for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I've been there. It's shitty. My parents live there, actually, but they're not the ones

with the Confederate curtains, I promise. But most all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Tylan, Chris, Benjamin, Cherie, Thomas, Russ, Justin, David, Nicholas, Dustin, I think, therefore, I gam, Emily, Neji, and Naudius Maximus. Tylan, Chris, Benjamin, Cherie, and Thomas, who are so bright they're not allowed in dark sky reserves. Russ,

Justin, David, and Nicholas, whose cocks are so legendary they renamed that dog breed Russ, Justin, David, and Nicholas are Spaniels. And Dustin, I think, David, and Nicholas, whose cocks are so legendary they renamed that dog breed Russ, Justin, David, and Nicholas are Spaniels. And Dustin, I think, therefore, I gam Emily, Neji, and Naudius, who are so sexy the MPAA rates their ID photos. Together, these 14 formidable forward-thinking folks have formally afforded our forum the fortune to foretell the forthcoming forfeiture of forced foreclosure of foreskins from fuckers that forbid foreplay and fornication forevermore by giving us money. from fuckers that forbid foreplay and fornication forevermore by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you have money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but in more of like an afterthought kind of way, you can also help a ton by liking our Facebook page, leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music

that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Math teachers spending half the lesson on non-Euclidean geometry? Two plus two could also be five. Two plus two could also be seven. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.

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