The Scathing Atheist - 309: Mind on my Manna Edition

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

In this week’s episode, Texas Republicans stop being so damn inclusive, evangelicals complain about the secular nature of anti-lynching rules and end their thought right there, and Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, will be here to finally give this show some liberal arts chops. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Appearances: To see Noah on the Atheist Experience, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StLoQ4CVJgk To see Noah on Talk Heathen, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs5XD-PvI Headlines: Muslim Republican allowed to stay Muslim and Republican, but just barely: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/11/muslim-republican-leader-survives-contentious-vote-in-tarrant-county-texas/ Arab Christians in Israel have a meltdown about crucified Ronald McDonald sculpture: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/14/violence-erupts-over-israeli-museums-sculpture-of-a-crucified-ronald-mcdonald/ Jerry Falwell Junior hates poor people and is a fucking loony tune https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/04/ignoring-jesus-jerry-falwell-jr-dismissed-what-the-poor-give-back-to-society/ Hinduism and Science don’t mix: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-46778879?fbclid=IwAR2ibWaHmejPFNshRofKLEJp9kppB3vR1eroJSfX955uj7-Mo5K5G12Kn34 That lady gets to go to Canada: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/11/canada-grants-asylum-to-saudi-woman-who-fled-after-renouncing-islam/ Russian Orthodox leader says smartphones could bring about arrival of Antichrist (10 seconds): https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/10/russian-orthodox-leader-says-smartphones-could-bring-about-arrival-of-antichrist/ Christian hate group urges GOP to exclude LGBTQ people from anti-lynching bill: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/10/christian-hate-group-urges-gop-to-exclude-lgbtq-people-from-anti-lynching-bill/ This Week in Misogyny: Baptist leader calls toxic-masculinity guidelines “anti-Christian”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/15/southern-baptist-leader-rejects-toxic-masculinity-guidelines-as-anti-christian/ Christian leader objects to lady-legislators photo: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/16/christian-tells-sc-lawmakers-not-to-hang-evil-photo-of-female-legislators/ Egyptian university expels student for hugging fiancee in public: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/15/egyptian-university-expels-student-for-hugging-her-fiance-after-proposal/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, so either turn it off or stop being such a fucking baby. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, ZipRecruiter, and by Dang Griffith, our top patron. I'm not saying it's a contest, we're just saying Dang is winning. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Oh, shit. is winning. And now,

The Skating Atheist. Oh, shit. So, I was listening to The Skating Atheist this week, and believe it or not, they ran out of fucking front stingers. Like, they totally ran out. Didn't even notice. What? How the fuck did that happen? I must not have been paying attention or some shit.

Don't they do the same shit at the beginning of the fucking episode every single time? Yeah, they do that same quote, we did in fact evolve from filthy Don't they do the same shit at the beginning of the fucking episode every single time? Yeah, they do that same quote. We did, in fact, evolve from Filthy Monkey Man. Like, that's their shtick. And they're the ones that called us the Bargument Podcast. Oh, yeah. I guess it works.

That's accurate. You know, we're like a virtual bar room. We drink and we talk about shit. Yeah, but we come up with original shit. We've got fucking different singers every time. Yeah, I mean, it is a little hackish to, like like open every show with the same fucking quote like every time bullshit hold my beer It's Thursday. It's January 17th.

And it's Benjamin Franklin Day. So, uh, everyone write your friends a letter about fucking. He did other stuff, too. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Staten, mainland,

New Jersey, Cincinnati, swing state, and good husband, Georgia, this is the skating atheist. On this week's episode, Texas Republicans stop being so damn inclusive.

Evangelicals complain about the secular nature of anti-lynching rules, and then end their thought right there. And Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, will be here to finally give this show some liberal arts chops. But first, the diatribe. Thought I gave the show. Arts. My wife said she could see it coming.

To hear her tell it, she could have counted down my outburst like a space shuttle launch. My face just got paler and paler. My lips got thinner and thinner. And then I guess eventually my face is just white. My lips are gone and we achieved liftoff. See, for years, I've been turning down debates and guest spots on call-in shows, and for good reason. I get angry. I've got a temper. You may have noticed. But when the atheist community of Austin invited me to do a guest spot on the atheist experience, I couldn't exactly turn that down. That's the atheist podcast I've listened to the longest. It's one of my favorite resources

for counter-apologetics. Hell, I was probably listening to Matt Dillahunty go off on a listener when I first conceived of the Jaya tribe, So of course I was going to do their show, but I was worried because I know how I get. So I told my wife, I said, I'm going to go full boot on this shit. I'm going to lock my rage deep down. I'm going to give it the day off and I'm going to present myself in a calm, professional manner throughout. And for a while I even believed me, but Lucinda didn't. Neither did Andrew or Heath or Eli, who apparently had a pool going about how far I'd make it into the taping before I told a Christian caller to go fuck himself with a crucifix. And judging by that early cluster

of purchase spaces, none of them had much confidence in my temperance. But they all still managed to overestimate it because the actual answer was negative one hour and 12 minutes. See, I actually appeared on two of the ACA shows on Sunday. The Atheist Experience starts at 430. But there's another call-in show that tapes right before that called Talk Heathen that records at 2 o'clock. And they invited me on as well. And to my credit, I made it a full hour into that show without yelling at anybody. But then about an hour in, along came this fucktard named Dean, whose apologetics tactic was apparently to filibuster the argument by talking in circles until the rapture started. And it was obvious that he was right.

So let me set this up a little early in the show. We had a caller that wanted to talk about the definition of faith, and he took issues with the way that atheists portrayed it. So, you know, we had a more or less productive chat with him. He made a valid point or two. We show him how, you know, those points don't change any of the conclusions, and we move on. So then this guy Dean pops up, and he wants to revisit that with his own definition of faith. Now, here's his argument in a nutshell. And, no, I am not strawmanning him.

This is how stupid it was to begin with. No, I am not strawmanning him. This is how stupid it was to begin with. One of the Greek words that's translated into the English word faith in the Bible actually means confidence in a reliable source that's been demonstrated to be effective. And therefore, when Christians say they have faith, what they're really saying is that they're affirming the reliability of the Bible. Now, as you've likely already noticed, this is wrong in every possible way. Okay, first of all, he's just wrong about the definition of the Greek word that he's talking about. He pronounced the word wrong, he defined it wrong, and he applied it wrong. But even if all of that shit was right, it wouldn't matter to the argument unless we were arguing in Greek.

We were, as you might imagine, speaking English at the time, so the technical definition of a Greek word was fucking irrelevant. What's more, as Eric pointed out, if we apply his definition throughout, the Bible at one point says that, quote, confidence in a reliable source that's been demonstrated to be effective is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, end quote. Now, that's nonsense even for the Bible. So he makes his silly little point and we rebut it.

So he makes the exact same point again using the same fucking words. Now, luckily for us, the point is stupid enough that we can rebut it again in a fresh new way several times as he impotently repeats it like it's going to get more logically sound with age. We point out other biblical passages that refute the one he's using. We read the definition of the English word faith from a dictionary. We apply his definition and demonstrate the absurdity of then trying to communicate at that point. But at a certain point, you run out of ways to say it politely. You do not, however, if you're me, run out of ways to say it impolitely. So at a certain point, I just turned to those because what we had was what you so often have when you argue with believers. He was repeating some point that he'd read somewhere or heard from his preacher that

sounded good to him. Like when he first heard it, he nodded along and he said, yeah, that makes sense to me. I will make no effort to refute it whatsoever. Then use it as my trump card the next time an atheist points out that faith is the opposite of reason. And so he did. And surprise, surprise, the second it's presented to a person who isn't actively trying to be convinced by it, right? Somebody who isn't overlooking the flaws in the argument through motivated reasoning, the argument falls apart. But since he never bothered to understand what he was saying, he doesn't know what to do then. Right. He doesn't comprehend the argument he's making. He's just memorized the order of the words. So any competent rebuttal is too much for him to handle. What he wanted was to say the

argument and drop the mic and leave us with our jaws on the fucking floor. He very much did not want to hear a response. And I can say that with confidence because Eric and I both gave him multiple responses and he actively failed to hear them. I mean, clearly that's what the vast majority of Christian apologists want, right? They don't want a discussion. They don't want an argument. They want a magic fucking spell. They want to wave their hands in front of our faces and say, these aren't the logical contradictions you're looking for and eliminate the outward expression They want a magic fucking spell. They want to wave their hands in front of our faces and say, these aren't the logical contradictions you're looking for and eliminate the outward expression of the doubt they're trying to pretend they don't have.

And even without arguing with them, you can verify this. Just look at their marketing. Every fucking video Ray Comfort does promises to turn an atheist into a Christian with just one simple question. He doesn't sell them a coherent thought or a cogent argument he offers him a simple question a grammatical elixir that will excise the atheism from anyone in an instant of course when the favored incantation fails their quivers empty so they assume they must have gotten the word order wrong or something and then they just repeat it and they do so quick before their brain can internalize the objection.

And if you're on the other end of that, right, like once you realize what they're doing, you have two options on how to respond. You can either play along with this illusion of an honest exchange of ideas or you can tell them to go fuck themselves. In my experience, both avenues are equally effective, but one is way more fun. Joining me for headlines tonight are slightly less somnambulistic people than me after our trip to Texas. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to carry this show if I fall asleep mid-headline? So does Uber Eats deliver cocaine yet?

Checking our credit card statement. And we have one, so no. No, they do not. Well, in that case, I'll have to get it the old-fashioned way, so while I do, we'll pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. And we're millennials. I'm a zenialick. And I'm Heath Enright. And we're millennials.

I'm a zennial. Okay. If you listen to all our shows, you know that we recently read an article about young people, like ourselves, not voting because of a lack of stamps. F***. Heath, this is an ad. You can't say that. Whatever.

We'll beep it. It's fine. Okay. Well, we'd like to reach out to our fellow millennials to let you know about Stamps.com. Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. And the mail carrier picks it up no more lugging mail to the post office no more hassles yeah you hear that you stupid the mail carrier

will get it from you maybe put it in your vision board now so you're ready for the 2020 election you stupid yep stamps.com not only saves you time it saves you money too with stamps.com. Not only saves you time, it saves you money too. With stamps.com, you get discounted postage rates that you can't even get at the post office. Just in case your gig as a part-time Tumblr moderator for your friend's new mod wiki doesn't work out, you stupid... Exactly, Heath.

I use stamps.com because it makes sending out Patreon rewards a breeze. But whatever your postal needs are... One piece of paper, you dumb... Wow. And right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Okay, okay. So start the new year off right. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. Or that.

You can put that in too. Probably not our podcast. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Dr. Shahid Shafi, the vice chairman of the Tarrant County Republican Party in Texas, was allowed to remain both Republican and Muslim after a vote confirmed that some of Texas Republicans' best friends are Muslims. Democracy. Yeah, right, right. So less than a year after being elevated to that post, Shafi faced accusations that he was a member of the Muslim Brotherhood

that was surreptitiously trying to implement Sharia law. And while those claims were demonstrably untrue, he was shown to be a Muslim. So, you know, they had to hold an actual vote on whether or not that alone, the fact that he preferred brown people, God, disqualified him from holding office in the county's Republican Party. I mean, that's terrible. But on the other hand, hi, I'm Mordy. Hi, I'm here to join the Nazi party.

Pretty sure this is going to go great. Amazing, actually. Well, yeah, no no there's that as well okay so to their credit almost three quarters of the members of the party weren't willing to make their xenophobia a matter of public record and as lukewarm as it is it's certainly the most complimentary statement you're ever going to hear um on this show anyway about texas republicans but as heath and eli are fond of pointing out repeatedly via a running joke that's just racism if you're a new listener who isn't aware that it's a running joke

the very act of ranking the races is bigoted regardless of what order you put them in okay i mean you pronounce it wool uh and heath and i inadvertently make new listeners think we're racist lots of blame on all the little things yeah and all the races tie everyone is in first place at everything i score all right so for his part uh shafi says he holds no animosity towards the people who backed his ouster and that he remains proud to be a republican in a statement after the vote he urged his fellow conservatives to be open and trusting to peoples of all creeds and religions and reminded them

that without colorblind unity, they'd never find a way to keep the Mexicans out. Also, can I just throw this out there? It's hard to be less sympathetic than I am to this person. I mean, this dude stayed Republican after the Muslimlim ban really dude

how much money could you possibly be saving with a republican tax plan i mean okay but he's already here though like i don't know maybe his family in syria is fucking obnoxious yeah we don't know save me from my mother-in-law you have have my vote. Some Syrian people are just shitty. We don't have to be nice to all of them just because they're in a tough situation. Maybe some of them are assholes. I didn't think of that. Next up in headlines. In Patty Meltdown news,

Arab Christians in Israel are an interesting group of people. I have lots of questions about what you guys are doing, but we'll skip those for now and get right into the story. Arab Christians in Israel had a bit of a meltdown last week after they heard about the Haifa Museum of Art putting up a new exhibit that includes a sculpture

of a crucified Ronald McDonald. Patty meltdown. Patty melt. Yeah, I know. Burger. McDonald's Patty Meltdown. Patty Melt. Yeah, I know. The burger. McDonald's. Crush it. The piece is called

McJesus and I want it in my house immediately. It's fantastic. I hope it catches on because I know McDonald's isn't good but it's better than communion.

Right? Just step up. Take this special sauce. It is my blood. So apparently, McJesus was so offensive that hundreds of Christian protesters gathered outside the building

to demand that the museum take the piece down. In their opinion, the sculpture of a burger-themed clown is not being taken seriously enough. They had a Trump statue, too? Oh, oh, the McDonald's. I got it. I'm sorry i get you i got you well eventually this led to a violent clash with police who used tear gas and stun grenades on the crowd in response uh every single palestinian person

asked if they could please please please be treated like a christian rioter sadly as they were asking they got too close to the fence and so all of them are killed by a please, please be treated like a Christian rioter from now on. Sadly, as they were asking, they got too close to the fence, and so all of them are killed by a sniper. It was pretty sad. But to honor their last request, they did douse their bodies in tear gas afterwards. Yeah.

A lovely ceremony. The protesters were claiming that the government should have already forced the state-funded museum to remove the sculpture, claiming this would have already happened if they weren't from a religious minority group. According to one of the protesters, quote, if they put up a sculpture of Hitler with a Torah scroll, the government would immediately respond, end quote. Leading many to wonder, uh, who do they think Ronald McDonald is? uh who do they think ronald mcdonald is yeah i mean either they are super anti-fast food or like super pro-handler i'm unclear and uh bottom line these protesters are missing the whole point of

the artwork it's obviously making fun of mcdonald's and making fun of corporatism more than anything else i mean if the artist wanted to mock christianity uh there's a lot of things you could do he'd have a ronald mcdonald sculpture dressed as a priest getting blown by a kid or something like that or well except his dick is a burger and um the kid would be missing a foot from diabetes something like that which i'm sure he Heath would also hang in his home. Yeah. And sorry, last thing, below the bottom line, Arab Christians in Israel, move. You should move. You should live elsewhere would be the smart move.

Not great for you there. And in Falwell, and thanks for all the fish news tonight, President of Liberty University and villain too cartoonish for disney caught national attention this week for failing to catch any of the softballs the washington post threw him in spite of the fact that he was lying in a swimming pool of catcher mitts at the time okay i have i have questions um you do so So first of all, the softball question thing is about hitting the softball, not catching the softball. It's not a question. If anything, it's actually easier to catch a baseball than a softball.

But either way, your idea of an easy catch scenario, do I have this right? You think it would be easy to catch something if you were lying down in a pool full of catcher's mitts? That's to you the easiest? I spent so long on that, Heath. So long. We'll do the sports analogies if I stay in your lane. Is there water in the pool? Bowling.

Bowling. See? I can do sports. I can do sports. Cowboys. see i can do sport i do sports cowboys now we could dedicate an entire headline segment hell probably the entire episode to the variety of stupid and evil things that jerry falwell jr said in this interview from saying there was literally nothing donald trump could do to lose the support of himself and his fellow evangelicals to hand waving donald trump's adultery away the post

might as well have published an article about how la la la mr falwell couldn't hear us la la la oh his answer on that one was basically you don't know you don't mit romney could have murdered somebody with that dog and he was just hosing away the evidence how do i know you're not fucking a porn star behind your wife's back right now. You could be. You could be under the table. Exactly. However, if I have to pick my favorite and most bizarrely honest moment from the interview, it would be where Falwell just drops all the pretense of giving a fuck about poor people and says the following. Real quote.

Why have Americans been able to do more to help people in need around the world than any other country in history? Because of free enterprise, freedom, ingenuity, entrepreneurism and wealth. A poor person never gave anyone a job. Poor person never gave anybody charity. Not of any real volume. It's just common sense to me. End quote.

Not adding muahaha. Cool. Just a small thing, Jerry Fogel Jr. A little reminder. I think it was a poor person who died for all the sins of humanity. Are you serious? Jesus Christ? Maybe you heard of him?

Yes. Fucking halfway between Gordon Gekko and eli's character there but no but to be fair he's right i mean if if poor people could give out jobs and provide vast sums of charitable contribution this country would be filled with churches or something right if i wrote a line like that for my character it would be too broad we'd be like nah come on let's have it like take it too high like something about eating them so yeah uh welcome to post 2016 everybody where bad guys don't even bother to lie anymore tune in next week uh when we cover pope francis's interview where he says i let kids get raped and i don't even feel bad about it finger guns finger guns finger guns and in hinduzy news tonight the 106th indian science

congress wrapped up earlier this week in calcutta and their theme this year appeared to be those guys on the scathing atheists don't make fun of hinduism enough it was amazing oh my god okay so to rectify that oversight they spent the weekend spouting scientific inaccuracies on a level that would make a Texas school board blush. These included, but were not limited to, a refutation of the findings of both Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. All of their findings, by the way. Apparently calculus is a Ponzi scheme.

And gravity is a Ponzi scheme. No, that was the one that really pissed him off, yeah. Alright, if everyone tries to use gravity at the same time, the elephants float off the turtle. Who said the elephants float off the turtle? This is fucking serious math. This is serious math. Who's being an asshole? I love that some guy obviously

was like, hey, Hindu boss, I was just reading the works of Einstein looking for, you know, what we disagree with because we're hindu um and i cannot uh read the works of einstein so uh yeah no just cut it all just cut all okay it sounds good just cut it all of it yep all of it's wrong pretty much it's going up now all right so other highlights from the esteemed scientific body was a claim from the vice chancellor of andhra university that the demon king ramayana had at his disposal 24 types of aircraft as evidenced by a network of ancient landing strips in modern day sri lanka there's also uh yeah there's also the claim by an indian

scientist that gravity doesn't exist and thus those waves that everybody's all stoked about should probably be named Narendra Modi waves after the nation's prime minister. Gravity is bullshit anyway. But the gold medal, in my opinion, went to the head of a southern India university who used old Hindu text to argue that stem cell research was discovered in India thousands of years before Whitey figured it out. Dude, that's a clip from South Park. You're sure it's a clip from South Park. Cartman made a shake. He's got a fetus. That's not real, guys.

That's not an old text. And we praised the great Chakra Kiki. Nailed it. From now on, they're called Chakra Kiki cells. Of course. You guys are stupid. We put this on video. And I should be clear here.

While there are a lot of very serious scientists in India doing very serious science, and while the Indian Scientific Congress Association vociferously distanced itself from those remarks, this is far from an isolated thing, right? Many have criticized the administration of Prime Minister Narendra Modi for bringing pseudoscience into the mainstream by saying things like that cosmetic surgery was invented in India thousands of years ago and offering up as his evidence Ganesh's elephant head. OK, I mean, we had Ted Danson way before they had Bal Ganesh. So get well, I don't think we, you know, I don't think we did. And in O Canada news tonight,

we've got some good news this week. We are happy to report that Rahaf Mohammed Al-Kun, the 18-year-old who fled her family on vacation in hopes of escaping forced marriage, physical abuse, and the very possible threat of death, arrived safely in Canada as a refugee. threat of death, arrive safely in Canada as a refugee. Yeah, and Justin Trudeau was just waiting for her at baggage claim, and their eyes locked, and they ran towards each other in slow motion, and chariots of fire started playing. She threw her bags to the side and jumped into his loving embrace. And they kissed hard. And they kissed long. And the crowd went wild. Sorry. Sorry. Daydream. What? What were you guys doing?

Let's play this out a little. No hurry. I'd like to be here. And then we went on a tandem bicycle ride. Well, you slipped up and said we. Now I'm not in there anymore. You had me when it was Rahaf Remember the dirty dancing?

The big lift? He does the lift for me I'm a very good dancer Hey, fun fact about dirty dancing That movie is about a child rapist No? So, for those of you who haven't She's 15. So for those of you who haven't followed the story According to Rahaf herself She escaped she escaped to Bangkok by slipping away from her family while on vacation in Kuwait.

She then barricaded herself in her room and took to Twitter to ask for asylum. Holy shit. So like, take a second to appreciate the kind of desperation you've got to be in before you say, you what would upgrade my chances of having my rights respected going to bangkok and counting on the help of the police why or twitter right yeah well luckily for her and now super duper unbelievably twitter sprang into action her case caught national attention and she was granted asylum on Friday. And as I said, she is now safely in the land of maple syrup, legal weed, and weirdly popular racists. Oh, wait, she's at the IHOP in Washington, D.C. now? I see.

Getting less popular, slightly less popular. Now, to be fair, I i should point out not everyone is happy about rahaf's story the national society for human rights which is an organization closely associated with the saudi government and therefore named badly tweeted after a safe arrival that quote some countries and international organizations are politically motivated to incite female teenagers to leave their homes. End quote. So yeah, the Saudi take is that Justin Trudeau lured her away with poutine and the promise of condoms. But everyone else seems pretty happy.

Okay, well, if I'm not mistaken, that story just ended on a barely legal girl eating poutine off of Justin Trudeau's naked body. Obviously, we're all going to need a moment. So we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. The cheese curds. More cheese curds, please. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Masagia. So back in August, the American Psychological Association put out a 31-page report showing the ways that masculine ideology can be toxic for boys and men. The report highlights what it deems a particular constellation of beliefs about masculinity that play a demonstrable role in things like anti-femininity, misogyny, and violence. So, of course, the Christian leaders have been freaking the fuck out about it.

Enter Albert Moeller, who rose from the grave to become president of the Southern Baptist Theology Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, where he serves on the Atwoodian Title Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. And he declared yesterday on his podcast that the APA's new guidelines can't, quote, be honestly and consistently squared with any form of historical biblical Christianity, end quote. Now, I've seen a number of atheists take issue with that statement, but I'm with them. I'm not saying you couldn't cherry pick the right biblical nuggets to fashion a form of Christianity that isn't imbued with toxic masculinity. I'm just saying nobody's bothered to do it yet. Where me and Mueller diverge, of course, is that he wants to reject the science-based findings of a professional psychologist about the healthiest ways to raise

children, and I want to reject the ramblings of iron age shit munchers that endorse rape and freak out when a woman's head is visible. But seriously, how can you possibly argue that the Christian view of masculinity isn't toxic? And quick before you answer, let me introduce you to Steve Lafferman, director of Columbia Christian Center for Life in South Carolina, who spent his Tuesday this week arguing that the state legislature shouldn't post a photo of the House's female caucus because, quote, biblical doctrine of the headship of man disqualifies a woman from civil office, end quote. Now, to their credit, even the South Carolina state legislature knew this asshole was going too far. So when he started this rant on the floor of the state house, they pushed back. Democratic State Representative Russell Ott interrupted quickly

and moved to limit Lafferman's time to one minute starting two minutes ago. Of course, he couldn't do so without first defending the Bible and all of its progressive attitudes about gender, but at least he shut the asshole down. And speaking of at least, I suppose it's worth reminding all the women stuck in the more Christian parts of And speaking of at least, I suppose it's worth reminding all the women stuck in the more Christian parts of the world that at least they're not stuck in the more Muslim parts. Our final story tonight comes out of Egypt, where a female student has allegedly been expelled from her Muslim university for the crime of publicly hugging her fiance. No twerking, no bump and grind. He proposed, she said yes, and she hugged him.

Video of the event went viral, probably because happy people are nice to look at, but the school saw it as undermining its reputation of being a fucking miserable place full of assholes, apparently. So they moved to expel her under what the school described as a public outcry of people offended by the premarital hugging. So, to all the people I saw on social media this week complaining that Gillette can't counter toxic masculinity on their own, I simply say it depends on how you use their razors. And quick before Andrew demands an edit, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Big Brother, where art thou news tonight? We have a story about Russian Orthodox leader and ruling Santa God Emperor cosplayer Patriarch Krill of Moscow.

He looks like Duck Dynasty just found a dragon's treasure and Phil Robertson tried to wear all of it. Yeah. All of it. Yeah. Just now. Yeah. So Patriarch Krill added sounding incredibly stupid to his already perfect record of looking stupid when he announced this week that smartphones are the tool of the Antichrist. Yeah.

Although he already sounded at least medium stupid when he told his staff to spray holy water on government computers to clean off a virus that's true he did that real yeah i mean you could even argue that he was already sounding medium stupid just in how much he jingles when he walks it was the hiv virus yeah so in an interview shown monday on state tv patriarch krill said quote someone can know exactly where you are know exactly what you're interested in know exactly what you were afraid of end quote at which point he was immediately added to the new york times editorial staff oh you gathered some data from where oh never mind it's fine all you need to know is google maps is inside your bones sorry sorry religion we're doing religion things yeah imagine the horror though of some all-knowing entity knowing all your fears and where you were and your thoughts

i feel like this story is scarier if google has earthquake and brimstone powers isn't it it is and they do you guys should try out google earthquakes right so he continued quote control from one point is a foreshadowing of the coming antichrist if we talk about the christian view uh noah get ready pretty sure he's going to define faith in greek let's hope not let's hope not excited he is of the greek orthodox church so at least kind of makes sense uh antichrist is the person who will be at the head of the World Wide Web that controls the entire human race, end quote. So, guys, someone want to tell him we've known Jeff Bezos was the Antichrist for years? I mean, I feel bad.

And finally tonight, we have a story about Christian Wright Law Firm, well-documented anti-LGBT hate group, and accidental Orwellian title joke at their own expense, Liberty Council. And the liberty that their legal counsel is fighting for right now is lynching. Lynching. Lynching. Yep. In particular, the liberty to carry out a lynching against a gay person without all that crazy red tape that surrounds it. Yeah, they want to streamline it.

Yes. They made it all the way through this. Yeah. Nobody stopped. Nobody was like, wait a second, guys. I think we might be the worst. We are definitely the bad guys, guys. The way through this.

Yes. No, God supplies the hate. We just supply the crime we're only half guilty yes so that really happened the justice for victims of lynching act passed unanimously in the senate last month making it a federal hate crime to lynch a person if your violence was motivated by gender sexual orientation gender, gender identity, or disability. Now, in the good old days, you could lynch for whatever reason you wanted, and it was nobody's business. But then, in the slightly less good old days, you could get in more trouble if you lynched a person based on

race or religion. And now in 2019, the government is all up in your business when you lynch people. You'll do a lynching and you'll get in trouble and you'll be like, am I being detained? And the authorities are going to be like, yeah, for lynching, you're being detained for lynching. And also, by the way, don't scream a homophobic slur or you're going to be in more trouble. And then you'll scream a homophobic slur because you're a crazy person. And then all of a sudden you're the bad guy getting federal charges. And apparently, that's a big problem for evangelical Christians

like Liberty Council Chairman Matt Staver, who spoke with lawmakers in the House of Representatives hoping to make them change the bill before they vote to include an exception

for the religious liberty of biblically motivated lynching. Seriously. Seriously. They are, by the way, motivated lynching seriously seriously they are by the way i've read it they are taking the jordan b peterson route of like well what if i lynch someone for their fashion choices that could be considered sexual orientation the actual thing here is i'm not saying i'm against the justice for victims ofching Act. I'm just saying there's room for a most in there somewhere. So despite being about disgusting bigotry, I feel like this story actually has some good news hidden in there. And that's because, A, Poe's law firm will not be getting the bigoted thing they want. And and b they kind of did our job for us this

week just by being themselves yeah right and just to reiterate themselves is opposing a federal anti-lynching bill uh so you remember in 2012 when mitt romney was debating obama uh and romney thought he's about to catch obama in that lie about benghazi whether he declared terrorism or not in a rose garden but it turns out romney had it completely wrong and he even offered obama a chance to backtrack his words but obama was like please proceed governor oh so good that's what it feels like when we deal with people like matt stave right here we are trying to explain how religion is bad for society. And Matt Staver just lobs us up a softball

and sets us up with a swimming pool full of catcher's mitts to lie down in. Yes. Eli, I'm pretty sure that's your example of something that's super easy. Do I have that right? Yes, you do. That is correct. Okay. First, they came for the people that came

for the socialists and i did not speak out yeah yeah so matt staver and liberty council heard about this anti-lynching rule and they thought this was a gotcha moment they were like okay so you guys in the senate are seriously making a rule that says lynching a gay person while yelling homophobic slurs is a hate crime. Really? You want to walk that back? I'm going to give you one chance to walk that. I'm about to read from the Bible and make you look stupid. But even the Republican senators were like, please proceed, Matt Staver. Please say whatever. I mean, that's what I call bipartisan cooperation. The GOP is

willing to put aside our differences and make all the lynching into a federal crime. So good for them. Right? Democracy. Yeah, well, this story gives me some ideas. So while we lobby the Senate for a very specific additional lynching exception, we're going to wrap up

the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Yahtzee! And when we return, it'll be like we're running up the score on Jesus. Okay. Now, don't open your eyes just yet. Okay, Mrs. Trump, I won't.

Oh, is this the Bird Box Challenge? Because, fun fact, we actually had an invasion of those in my hometown, and they killed themselves when they saw me. True story. No, it's not the Bird Box. It's for Tony's Fancy Football Dinner. Look. Oh, you got $125 worth of McDonald's.

Awesome. Mine. Sarang. Sarang. No, this is for the football players. I will sever your Achilles tendon. Okay, honey. Okay, that one's for Jake.

You can have that one. Damn right. Mrs. Trump, why didn't you just hire someone to do this? Okay, Giler. I'd love to, why didn't you just hire someone to do this? Okay, Giler, I'd love to, but hiring people is just so harsh, you know? Well, why not try ZipRecruiter? It's Hans Gruber. What's JingerKruger? It's the smartest way to hire. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter finds qualified candidates for you. Its powerful matching technology scans thousands of resumes to identify people with the right skills, education, and experience, and actively invites them to apply to your job, so you get qualified candidates fast.

That's why ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the U.S. This rating comes from hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews. Wow, 1,000 reading juice. And right now, Scaling Atheist listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. If you love this show, show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ziprecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. That's ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. Okay, Kyler, I'll try it.

Now, help me get these hamburgers away from Sarah Juggler Sanders. Okay, but keep your hands away from her mouth. She's so strong. And cheese plate, too. If my guest spot on last week's episode of the atheist experience taught me anything it's that if you want to know about the bible your best source is an atheist but unfortunately too few

atheists take the time to embellish it with voice work so to fill that gap once again we're pleased to bring you another edition of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. And rain. And rain. Will make the flowers. You make the flowers grow. Guys, that is not what happened on the last... But it could have been what happened.

You wanted to perform the entire second act of Les Miserables. No, we needed to perform the entire second act of Les Mis. Thank you. And when she asks if you're a Russian agent, you say that... I'm not not an un-agent. You know what? Close enough. Sorry. I'm sorry. Mr. God? Mr. God? Oh, hey, Mosey baby. What's up?

So, you know how you're striking down the firstborns of all the slavers of Egypt? Again, really feels like you're going out of your way for the siblings, buddy. But don't worry. I got a solution. Or as you might say, a Thaluthin. Nailed him.

So, here's what you do. Ah, hey, neighbor. What you doing there? Oh, you know, just, uh, paint some blood on my doorway. Some doorway blood. I'm sorry, who the fuck is this? I'm Don Ford, the voice of fantasy and adventure whoa wait we're hiring voice actors now no no don heard us complaining on air about needing a bigger

cast for bible peace theater and he offered to help us out plus listen to his voice it's so beautiful it's very beautiful well thank, thank you, wild card. I love him. I love Don. Okay, okay. I love you. His voice is pretty great, but you better not replace me with him like you did Heath with me. Don, I said, wait, what?

He's not replacing anyone. He's just helping us make the show better by doing us a favor. Now, can we get back to work? Okay, okay. Okay, wait, but what about the replacing thing? What were you just saying now? Guys? You were just saying something about replacing. I feel like it had me in it. Guys?

Don, I said I love you. Nobody? Ah, hey, neighbor. What you doing there? Oh, you know. Just, uh, paint some blood on my door. Door blood. Oh, yeah? Why's that? Nah, it's no reason. Just felt like it.

Oh. Doesn't happen to have anything to do with, I don't know, all the firstborns dying or anything like that? What? What? First, I don't know, all the firstborns dying or anything? What? What? First, I don't even know what that means. No. No, this, the door blood is for Halloween. Oh, okay.

You know what? That's a good idea. I think I'm going to do the door blood Halloween decoration too, you know, just in case, just in case your God is stupid enough to kill people based on the hemoglobin content of their door frames. No, no, that's, uh, it's, it's my decoration. And also I will be upset if you copy me. So please do not put paint on your door.

Thank you. Just, I'll be doing it and then you would not copy it. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and paint the door. Motherfuck. Wow, sweet sassy malassy. I can't believe you scorned all those flavors

for us. Again, what's with the S thing? Is it me? I feel like he's going, I feel crazy. I feel crazy. Anyways, look, Moses, I need you to make, like, my administration and flee, like rats escaping a sinking ship. You get it? Sir, think. Sinking ship. Grab whatever golden

jewels you can get out of the Egyptians while you're at it. I mean, rob these motherfuckers blind. Yes, sir. And hey, I know this isn't exactly the time to point this out, but I'm thinking maybe we make this like a holiday I'm sorry

you want to celebrate the time you killed a bunch of our enemies babies and we stole all their goods while they were still too sad to stop us yeah like every year I'm thinking we get a little call and response section going little thing people read maybe everyone's weird religious relatives who you never see come over.

Plus, if you're super religious, you can like throw out all your bread and cake and cookies and shit. That sounds terrible. Right? Right? Jew holidays. Welcome. Gonna be a lot of that. Couple rules, though, for the party.

Yes? I don't want any non-Jews at the party. Nobody who isn't circumcised, okay? Tipless dicks only, mosey baby. Okay, what about our slaves? If you cut the tips off their dicks, sure. You can bring the slaves. Bring all the slaves.

I feel like this is going to result in some very awkward conversations. Uh, hey, Bill. Oh, hey, Dave. What's up? You got any plans for this weekend? Oh, not really, no. Oh, good. I'm actually glad you said that.

Look, I don't know if you remember, but Hannah is Jewish and doing like a Seder thing. Her parents are visiting. Thought we'd invite some folks over so um you know kind of an awkward question but uh that's not awkward at all my friend Karen and I would love to yeah yeah yeah

no just uh let me let me finish my thing so quick question here's here's the question I was going to get to um how is your penis? um i'm sorry how's my penis yeah um so like you have the snippy snip going on down there uh it's a whole thing for the dinner

kind of matters so so how is that to know if i'm circumcised for dinner. Yep. Yeah. Yes, I do. Please tell me about your penis situation. Yeah, I'm circumcised. Okay, great. No, no. Fantastic.

Cool. Great. So Saturday night around like eight. Sounds great. Great. Sure hope you like the snipsle. Schnitzel. Sorry. Schnitzel.

And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day in which he came out. This section really goes on, huh? Yeah. Most of the book. Absolutely. Don seems nice. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Don's super cool. Yeah. So I was wondering. Yeah, here we go. Are all the woolly mammoths dead? Like the animal? Yeah.

You remember we saw the museum the other day? They're like big elephants. Yeah, got it. Sorry. So you're asking if there are any living woolly mammoths left in the world that maybe you just hadn't heard about? Is that what you're asking? Yes. Like in a zoo somewhere?

Is that what you're picturing? Like there's maybe a couple woolly mammoths in a zoo that you didn't know about? You're doing that thing you do with your voice, so it's no, right? Yeah, it's no. The woolly mammoth is no longer with us. That's a no. Here's what it was. You know how you hear that thing that woolly mammoths are closer

to Cleopatra than the Triceratops is to the T-Rex or whatever? That's not a thing that you hear or one hears. But now I'm super curious. How long ago do you think Cleopatra lived? Just ballpark.

Ah, five. Nope. Whatever you're going to say next. Hundred. Way too soon. Thousand. Too far. Years. When I came forth out of Egypt. And it came to pass when Pharaoh had let the people go that God led them not through the way of the land of the Philistines,

and the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud to lead them that way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, to go by day and night. He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night from before the people. Okay, we're just going to, hun, we're just going to follow the pillar of fire by night from before the people okay we're just gonna uh hun we're just gonna follow the pillar of fire up here on the right i know i know okay i i was just saying in case you didn't nope that that is not the pillar of fire follow the pillar of fire this pillar of fire this pillar of fire right here and we we missed it. Okay. Fuck. It's fine. It's fine. It's not a big deal. This is why I wanted to use Google Maps. I know.

I know you wanted to use Google Maps. It has the little lane thing. It does. But, you know, I thought because we had a pillar of fire. You're mad. I'm not mad. It is just that we had a pillar of fire. You're mad.

I'm not mad. Hi. Barrow, right? Hi. Yeah. Barry, right? not mad hi barry right hi yeah um barry right you're uh kyle's replacement okay i kind of feel like if kyle gets replaced it takes away from the power of kyle's death on the last okay i think our audience will be okay okay really because like i cried when i wrote the scene so i can only imagine well you also cried at the end of bass and the furious seven and uh and our insurance commercial

like hard the main guy embarrassing okay well excuse me for having a heart um is he okay? Nope. No. Anyway, people of Egypt were wondering if you wanted to, you know, catch the Jews. Um, can, can we do that? Just catch them? Oh, yeah. We have, like, chariots and stuff, and they're just walking. So, uh, yeah. I mean, they have a head start though, right?

So, oh yeah, but they're Jews. You know, they're not super agile group of folks. I don't know. Just seems like it might be sandy, which is bad. Or like the horses, their feet, it's all sandy, dry, and, you know, unpleasant. You really just don't want to go, do you?

I do not. Jews! Jews! Hear me, Moses! I know we are surrounded by our enemies, but do not seek sorrow, and you shall be okay. The ocean! it's parting. You fools, after them. Uh, you sure about that, boss? Yes, go, after them. Oh, no you don't, Pharaoh. Fuck my tea. I said, I'm sorry, what?

I got this. I'm actually fluent in Hebrew. Okay. He said, fuck his tea. Ew, why would he want me to fuck his tea? I don't understand. Maybe it's a thing with them. I don't understand maybe it's a thing with them i don't know maybe uh

okay maybe maybe i got the the letters wrong maybe it's shuck a shiny sure or fuck a shiny um well i'm not gonna fuck your knee dude i mean that's gross no strange no fuck my thee. What's a thee? Like old-timey you? Like thee? Like, what are you saying? I'm getting out of my element here. I'm really more of a horse guy. That is all I ever hear from you, man.

I'm a horse guy. I'm a horse guy. You're a horse guy with an opinion. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a horse guy with feelings. You know what, guys? Never mind. guy with an opinion like oh yeah well i'm a horse guy with feelings you know what guys never mind oh suck my c obviously i got it yeah good one good one that actually made sense yeah i'm sorry i snapped at you earlier oh no problem the horse thing. Wow. 600 people swallowed up by the sea.

The death of our enemies. So what do we do? Dance party! Woo! This is what happens in the book. I know. This is a terrible book. I'm John Ford, the voice of fantasy and adventure.

So Moses brought Israel from the Red Sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur, and they went three days in the wilderness and found no water. Moses, we've been walking for like three days. We could kind of use some water. Oh, and what about this pool? Um, it's all gross and covered in flies. Is that my daughter in there?

Oh, yeah, that's really bad. Hey, hey, Moses, it's me, God. Take this tree and throw it into the water. But it's all covered in moth. Trust me, Moses. See? Now it's scotch. What? Move! Mine!

Okay, you know what? That's on me. We'll go find you some other pools. No, stay here. Stay here. Scotch. I'm still here, in the Scotch pool. Can't swoosh me to another location. I called it. This is the Scotch pool. I stay.

Don't swoosh. Juth! Juth! Why do you murmur so? We have no food! You let us from Israel only to starve us here. Yeah. Yeah, on second thought, it was probably a bad idea to bring Jews by foot into the middle of nowhere, huh? Can we turn up the air conditioning? Yeah, just a smidgen. I'm on his side.

For the last time, that hasn't been invented yet. Yelling! People, people listen to me. Tonight, it will rain manna. And in the morning, you may gather as much as you can eat. But do not leave it overnight, or it will sour and grow insects. eat but but do not leave it overnight or it will sour and grow insects um could god maybe make manna from heaven that doesn't you know rot and get bugs um no apparently uh not really why Why? Because man is probably bug-sit? Um, say again? What?

Can we get any word on the air conditioning? Bug-sit. See, some people think it's tree bark, some think it's a species of locust, but if it wasn't bugs, it was probably bug-sit. That's gross. Super gross. But trust me, it was better than God's original solution. So, what do you think of my manna? It's the best, am I right? Is that $100 worth of fast food that's cold?

Right? Burgers, fries, they're going to love it. No, nobody loves this food. This stuff is for nine-year-olds who won't eat other stuff and Thomas Smith. Well, I already tweeted a picture, so it's this or bug shit. Thanks for choosing bug shit. You're welcome. You're welcome. And we're going to eat that for how long? 40 years.

40 years? How long is the walk? A couple weeks, Max. But, you know, we're Jews. So, you know, 14 poop breaks an hour. It adds time eventually. That's true. Makes sense.

My circumcised penis is dripping more salt Than the dead sea Can I please get an answer on the air conditioning Just a nudge I said it doesn't exist yet Now go eat your bug shit You gonna finish that And with the knowledge

That we're just 40 wandering years Of bug shit eating away from Canaan We'll take a break there But we'll be back soon with more Bible Peace Theater. Before we lower the flag tonight, I wanted to thank everybody that came out to see us in Dallas, everybody who came out to see me in Austin. I want to thank Matt, Mark, everybody else with the Atheist Community of Austin. Those guys are doing a hell of a job, by the way. If you're anywhere near Austin, make it a point to swing out, see their library, see their community center, attend a taping of their shows. I guarantee you

will have a good time. Also want to toss out an extra helping of thanks to Eric from the Talk Even podcast and Thomas from the Holy Kool-Aid YouTube channel for their incredible hospitality while I was in town and for reminding me that atheists can do community every bit as good as the religious folks. Also, if you want to check out my guest spots on The Atheist Experience or watch this week's Diatribe Occur to Me in Real Time on Talkie, then be sure to check the show notes for links to both. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy

we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't clock out if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his eternal willingness to soak up all the drinks listeners want to buy us. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for his willingness to soak up all the bodily fluids he left in that Uber.

I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for soaking up all, for being such a wonderful wife and partner. I need to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for helping us with Bible Peace Theater tonight. I also need to thank the guys from the BS Hold My Beer podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, but I don't need to thank them all that much, do I? Probably don't even need to link their show in the show notes.

But I did it anyway. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Mark, Steve, Nate, Lake, Bronze, Smoochie, Hiccup, Wynn, Lachlan, Anita, Patrick, Black Desert Jackal, and Fighting for Secular Freedom. Mark, Steve, Nate, and Lake, whose circumcisions were announced by two lumberjacks yelling timber. Bronze, Smoochie, Hiccup, Wynn, and Lachlan, whose galactically infamous kung fu explains

the Fermi Paradox. And Anita, Patrick, Black Desert Jackal, and Fighting for Secular Freedom, whose arguments are so sound they were named honorary estuaries. Together these 12 people, bodies of water, canines, involuntary respiratory spasms and noble endeavors nudged up our nutritional intake this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the chutzpah it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're a federal employee, you can help a ton for free

by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and liking our Facebook page. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode,

which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. This stuff is for a nine-year-old who won't eat other stuff and Thomas Smith. Well, I already tweeted a picture, so it's

this a bug shit. Eli, don't surprise me with his shit. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.