The Scathing Atheist - 311: Shrinkage Edition

Episode Date: January 31, 2019

In this week’s episode, adoption agencies will dust off their “no dogs no irish signs JUST in time”, Melania Trump holds a beer for Karen Pence during their feckless contest, and religion will finally find a way to cheat death. Come see us live in Denver! https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called Headlines: Trump administration approves “no atheists or jews need apply” adoption agency: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/24/trump-admin-government-funded-foster-agency-can-deny-non-christians/ Missionary may face genocide charges for contacting Brazilian tribe: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/27/missionary-may-face-genocide-charges-after-contacting-isolated-brazilian-tribe/ Trump promotes biblical literacy classes after being duped by Fox News: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/28/donald-trump-promotes-bible-literacy-classes-after-misleading-fox-news-segment/ House committee strikes ‘so help me god’ from oath; Christians freak out: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/29/democrats-propose-nixing-so-help-me-god-from-default-oath-in-house-committee/ Bible Camp Brought in fake Atheist https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/28/a-christian-bible-camp-brought-in-a-fake-atheist-so-kids-could-stump-him/ Karen Pence teaching at bigot school for bigots: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/18/mike-pence-falsely-claims-critics-are-attacking-his-wifes-christian-faith/ Dead Man Gets Three More Weeks of Life After Religious Time-of-Death Lawsuit https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/21/dead-man-gets-three-more-weeks-of-life-after-religious-time-of-death-lawsuit/ Catholic writer: Calling unborn boys ‘princess’ will turn them gay: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/29/catholic-writer-calling-a-baby-boy-princess-in-the-womb-will-turn-him-gay/ This Week in Misogyny: VA legislator rejects equal rights amendment because ‘god already made us all equal’ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/24/va-legislator-votes-against-equal-rights-amendment-since-god-made-us-all-equal/ Vatican will only let infertile women get hysterectomies: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/17/vatican-will-only-let-infertile-women-get-hysterectomies-at-catholic-hospitals/

Warning, by the time I finish this sentence, this podcast will already have started using words like fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS and by the monarchy of His Majesty Eli I, an alternative government that has shut down zero times this year. Just putting it out there. Monarchy, Majesty, Eli I. And now, The scathing atheist. Hi, this is Kenny Weiland, and I just got a seven-day Facebook ban for quote-unquote

hate speech because I posted a comment that said we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. What the fuck? It's Thursday. It's January 31st. And Happy New Year! What? Really? What? Sorry. It's the January thing. And Happy New Year! What? Really? What? Sorry. It's the January thing. I have no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Martha Stewart's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is Scathing 80s. On this week's episode, adoption agencies will dust off their No Dogs, No Iris signs just in time. Melania Trump holds a beer for Karen Pence during their feckless contest. And religion will finally find a way to cheat death. But first, the diatribe. The Urban Dictionary defines shrinkage as, quote, what happens to a man's penis in cold water, often a result of cold showers, swimming pools, or the ocean.

Very embarrassing, end quote. And to be clear, that's a terrible definition. First of all, it can happen to anybody's penis. It doesn't have to be a man. Secondly, it doesn't actually tell you what happens to said penis in cold water. That being said, my penis came of age in the days before the Urban Dictionary, so even that lackluster definition would have been welcome to newly pubescent noah see like many penis owners i had to learn about shrinkage the hard way i was at a friend's house in michigan and they had a pool and sure it was too cold to go swimming

but it's michigan it's always too cold to go swimming so we went swimming anyway after i ducked into the garage to change out of my trunks i was shocked to find that my dick had somehow benjamin buttoned itself back to adolescence. And my friend's little brother, who was also changing at the time, must have noticed my horrified expression and followed my gaze because a second later he said, shouldn't it be bigger than that? To which I answered in frenzied desperation, it is. Now, my penis did return soon after, so the existential dread lessened, but it didn't go away. After all, I was dealing with a data set of one here, so it didn't occur to me to blame it on the cold or the pool or any other specific event of the day.

So for all I knew, the same thing might happen again at any time. Perhaps I had some weird fluctuating penis disorder. Maybe I was in reverse puberty. What if it happened again when I was showering after gym class? Or worse yet, when I finally got that lauded opportunity to be bare naked with the girl. But of course, we didn't talk about dicks back then. Dick problems were your own problems, and genitals don't come with instruction manuals. Now, maybe some of you were fortunate enough to have the kind of dad you could come to and say, hey, something's going on with my dick. What's up with this? But I was not one of those guys. My dad tried to give my brother and me the birds and the bees talk once. And after he left,

we were openly wondering how we were born, if that's all he knew about sex, right? Like to hear him awkwardly stumble his way through it, you'd have thought there were actual birds and bees involved. So the case of the incredible shrinking penis was one that I'd have to investigate on my own. But again, this is the late 80s. I don't have the internet to turn to. And even if there was a book at the library called What's Wrong With My Penis, a comprehensive guide, it's not like I could risk leafing through it or checking it out. What if somebody saw me? So for years, I just held this dread in the back of my mind, knowing that at any time I might reach for my penis only to find it wasn't there.

In fact, there wasn't a real crack in the case until May 12th of 1994, when the 85th episode of Seinfeld finally named the culprit. Now, at this point, I was 18 years old. I'd carried this dark secret with me for nearly a decade. The problem had never recurred. And while I had noticed a correlation between ambient temperature and the size of my penis, it never caused anything of the magnitude that I'd witnessed on that brisk Michigan afternoon. So when this infamous Seinfeld episode comes out,

most people are just laughing along at the misfortunes of George Costanza. And I'm exhaling a sigh of relief that's been caught somewhere between my cock and my mouth for a third of my life. Of course, laughter and relief weren't the only reaction that that particular episode elicited, because America is also filled with a disturbing number of pearl-clutching prudes that were relegated to the fainting couch by a television network having the audacity to air a television show that acknowledged the normal functioning of genitals. Well, children might be watching no less. So evangelical mothers and puritanical fathers flooded their phones and mailboxes with their apoplectic outrage and stirred up a comical amount of controversy over the mere acknowledgement that a male TV character had a penis, right? Because how dare a little terrified Noah have some means of discovering that his dick was just behaving normally before he was old

enough to vote. And those people will play the part of the villain in this story, right? I mean, America isn't a Christian nation in the sense that David Barton would have you believe, but damn if our sexual mores aren't still hamstrung by their Christian roots. Hell, my entire career is built on the fact that America still nervously giggles a little when you say dick. We don't teach kids about their genitals in schools. We feel like girl nipples are naughtier than boy ones.

We outlaw prostitution. We hide our porn behind incognito windows. And look, I know how easy I had it here, right? My primary consequence for this was treating my dick like a mysterious dagger gifted to me by the eagle of Zeus. But think about how this fucking Victorian priggishness contributes to the culture where, for example, sexual assault victims don't feel like they can come forward.

Right? I mean, yes, sometimes it's because they're afraid of the repercussions and somebody that has power over them or they're afraid that they won't be believed. But but sometimes it's also just because they're not comfortable talking about sex. And our society has done everything in its power to keep them uncomfortable. We live in a country where men forego treatment on life threatening conditions because they're afraid to tell their doctor something's wrong with their balls. Right?

Women often forego important parts of medical screenings because they're too embarrassed. And what do we get for this national prudery? I mean, I've listed a whole bunch of shit to put in the con column, but I'm hard-pressed to think of anything that sits on the other side. We're backwards-giggling infants about sex as a matter of national policy. And we even have an army of letter writing boycotters in the wings ready to fight to keep it that way. And for what? What's the end goal? I mean, it doesn't lead to less sex. It just leads to worse sex. But even if it did, why the fuck would anybody want less sex? Look, as a society, we've secularized a lot in the last 400 years. We've

taken back our education. We've taken back our heavens. We've taken back our laws. We've taken back our history. But it is long past time for us to take back our junk. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the two guys that live at the end of this sentence, Heath Enright and Eli Posnick. Fellas, I got a great vulgarity for Cherry Roast to open up with. Jeremiah would like us to roast the sis. All right.

That's actually a great request from Jeremiah. This one really got me thinking, actually. And here's where I landed on the cis. We're just a bunch of unoriginal cowards. That's what we are. At some point in our lives, we thought about our identity, like who we

really are as a person, and we counted our penises and stopped thinking about that very important thing. Because we're afraid of figuring out pronouns or some bullshit. It's just lazy and boring. We're the fucking worst. Yeah, being cis in 2019 is like being the only one in your family

who doesn't play an instrument. Put some effort in. Spice some things up. Come on, people. And speaking of spicing it up, we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, Hymns. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing single guy stuff.

Single guy stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Heath, Heath. Hey, Eli, what's up? So our sponsor this week on the show is 4Hymns.com. Oh, what's 4Hymns.com? It's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. 4hims.com. It's a one-stop shop for hair loss,

skincare, and sexual wellness for men. So I was thinking we could be in the ad. We could be like, if you want to, or a little more on the 4hims.com. Yeah, yeah. Eli, you don't have to do like the weird hinty stuff. 4hims connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions. They're great.

Right. Or as we'll say in the ad, a little honka-honka for the schwimmy-schwammy or bonger gone on the thunder-dom. Nope. None of that. So, they provide generic equivalents to name-brand prescriptions to help

you keep your hair. Or slim-slam your gym jam. Nope. Again, not a phrase. Look, Eli, 4HIMS is a fantastic way for people to get real medical care without the awkward doctor visits. And if they order now, our listeners get a trial month of HIMS for just $5 today, right now, while supplies last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy.

Mucho dinero en la farmacia. No, Spanish is not better Just tell people to go To 4hims.com Slash scathing That's 4hims F-O-R-H-I-M-S Dot com

Slash scathing 4hims.com Slash scathing But when the top on the mop Looks like it's starting to stop Nope Whatever it is Don't continue

Quimicham Okay Now I think you just might be having a stroke. Are you probably having a stroke? Ring. Toast? Yes. Please.

And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Trump reminded us again this week that pandering to a religious base and being a bigot are functionally indistinct when he sought to shore up his flagging poll numbers by making non-Christians in South Carolina unofficial underclass. This came in the form of an exemption to anti-discrimination laws the administration granted to Miracle Hill Ministries that says that you don't have to give kids to Jews to get federal funding. Won't let us deny food to gay people. You won't let us lynch them without us. Extra red tape. Never let us do anything. Yep.

At least, at least let us prevent orphans from becoming Jewish. That's where American evangelicals are right now. That's what they're saying. And the president said, yes. Yeah. Right now they're getting their fucking way.

So yeah, let's be super clear on where the law is going into this thing. Okay. So as of now it's actually perfectly legal for adoption agencies to use prejudice as a metric for foster care fitness somehow but you can't receive federal fundings if you do and as much as i'd like to say that this is some storied tradition enshrined in the earliest days of the republic it actually is because of a regulation put in place in the waning days of the obama administration

so this gave the trump administration a chance to be bigots appease their base and unweave yet another threat of obama's legacy so you can see why they jumped at the opportunity right come on at least let us spite the black guy fine yes spite the black guy that's actually exactly that's part of the platform it is yeah exactly make america great again spite the black guy and then it was it was really head and head in fact it's not inaccurate to say that the unweaving of anti-discrimination legislature may be the legacy of the trump administration like everything else well that and the fucking scandals yeah and look it's worth emphasizing this we've known this was coming for a while now right he's been holding on to this for a time when he needed some good bigot chum for his base so much so that when the news stories over this past weekend were all about

how he caved in on the shutdown and ann coulter called him a pussy i turned to lucinda and said i bet he grants that adoption agency in south carolina their little bigot waiver this week right so so keep in mind, if you're gay or trans or atheist or Jewish or black or female or Muslim or Hispanic, the total pool of rights you enjoy is directly correlated with Donald fucking Trump's approval rating. Yeah. Well, at least they know it can't get lower.

Why not? Is that good? Each of those people is about 40% of a person, and literally nothing can change that. Clearly. That's nice. Trump could announce Kristallnacht 2.0 tomorrow, and you guys would be still holding strong at four-tenths of a person.

That's comforting, I guess. Right side. Come on, people. No. Okay. And as to the legal angle, yes. This is more riffraRA shit, right? Lynn Johnson, an official speaking on behalf of the Department of Health and Human Services said, quote, the government should not be in the business of forcing foster care providers to close their doors because of their faith. Religious freedom is a fundamental human right.

End quote. Not adding the foster agency's freedom. That is the religious freedom of the people who want to give a kid a loving home can go fuck itself clearly i was talking about the other guys though imagine being that bad a person nope all right i really can't and in brazilian reasons why news tonight regular listeners to the show thank you thank you regular listeners to the show may remember the alabama missionary who was killed last year by a secluded tribe when he ignored government warnings and snuck himself on their island, exposing himself and the tribe to mortal danger. Christians haven't learned a fucking thing from that experience. And a missionary from Maine now faces charges of genocide for contacting different isolated tribes in Brazil.

Yeah, I would not like to be this guy's fucking attorney, right? I mean, look, facts of the case are white man contacts native tribe. How often is that not genocide in the long run? That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. So according to the missionary, Steve Campbell, he was showing someone how to use a GPS when he accidentally wandered into the village of the high Merira tribe and started talking to them about Jesus all while exposing them to about 500 years worth of germs they don't have immunity to and very possibly killing fucking all of them. Genocide.

Right, okay, but to be fair, right, my dad tried to use GPS one time and he wound up in an unexplored Brazilian jungle and he was trying to get from St. Louis to Cleveland. That's fair. And there were no natives there, but if there had been, I'm sure he would have talked to him about Jesus. I'm just saying the cover story is plausible if you've met my dad.

Honey, honey, don't make a left. You're going to literally run over that native guy if you make a left. Don't make a left. The computer says make a left and sneeze in his mouth. That's what the computer says. Remember the last time we ignored the navigator?

Yeah, so the consequences of this visit are uncertain because at this time, the people who could like check on the tribe to make sure they didn't all die from the fucking flu are similarly compromised and Campbell may face little to no consequences if Brazilian courts buy his excuse of this all being a terrible game of Marco Polio gone wrong.

I'm so happy. Thank you. Thank you. You're a treasure. Hours of work. Thank you. Either way, this story is a fantastic reminder that if you bring disease

to possibly the most vulnerable population to that disease in the world, you sure as fuck shouldn't be calling what you're doing saving people. Yeah. No. All right. Next up in headlines, North Dakota State Representative Aaron McWilliams took some time away from

drawing his mustache with a Sharpie this week to harvest Michael Ian Black's face for his skin mask. But that only took a couple hours, so McWilliams also went into the office and put together a proposal for a new bill that would make it a legal requirement for public schools to offer Bible classes. And I'm also assuming there was a small addendum in crayon in the margin that said

also the First Amendment is canceled, really small. Well, fortunately, the bill got voted down meaning it was dumb even for north dakota and north dakota people knew that but that didn't stop donald trump from tweeting his ardent support for the idea okay so he's just literally retweeting r slash the Donald at this point. Right. Like if you told me at this point, Donald Trump's biggest goal as president was Reddit gold. I get it. All right. OK, but I just I should be the one that points this out here. If you do it right, Bible class is an atheism factory.

Right. Like I'm a teaching certificate and a move to North Dakota away from dissolving this controversy at any moment if it gets bad enough. So it's true. Yeah. So regardless of the fact that this bill didn't pass, North Dakota needs to leave. Yeah. In related news, according to a new bill proposed by podcast representative Heath Enright, according to a new bill proposed by podcast representative heath enright we're reverse annexing the dakotas we're making canada take that shit over you guys fucking deal with it we're bringing on puerto rico and washington dc as full states two senators each that's oh yeah we're doing that because as it currently stands taxpayer money is paying the salary of people

like aaron mcwilliams and that is unacceptable. It is, that's true. Just for the record, his bill would have allowed the Bible classes to teach that book as nonfiction and would have allowed those classes to replace a government or economics class as a graduation requirement. Oh, really?

Jesus. Kid from North Dakota gets to his first day of college out of state, won't stop asking the RA where they keep the stoning rock. You're right. Well, I can't see how this guy benefits from less education on good governance, though. Yeah. So Trump heard one single piece of news that didn't involve his campaign team getting arrested by SEAL Team 6 last weekend.

And he started making loud noises and pointing as much as he could. And then he stole his phone from the teacher's desk before the semester was over and tweeted the following in support of McWilliams and his proposed bill. Quote, numerous states introducing Bible literacy classes to learn about I.I. Corinthians, I guess. Yeah, no, right, right exactly giving students the option of studying the bible instead of government or economics or anything that might teach you about why trade wars are stupid and why treason is bad so yeah makes perfect sense and uh here's the end

of that tweet bible class starting to make a turn back question mark great end quote turn back you know i'd call this shameless pandering if it didn't work so well like like it's not a bad magic trick if every time i pretend to throw a ball for my dog she falls for it you know what i'm saying is it me eli after a bad gig doing balls and cups cups for Madge. There's a visual for you. There's a sad visual for you. That would be way better than those little bratty Jewish kids. Now it's a wrap. Where's my thumb?

Where's my thumb? Look, it's on another side now. You're a dog. So during a recent interview on Fox News, Aaron McWilliams was trying to defend his bill. Nothing about defending his mustache, which I thought was weird. So, about the bill, he argued that our lack of a law that makes Bible classes mandatory

is forcing the religion of secularism on students. Just like, you know, the current science curriculum is forcing the religions of heliocentrism and oblate spheroidism on students. Finally, someone says something. And regardless of getting voted down this time, bills like this are popping up constantly, including something similar in West Virginia while I was reading about this story.

Literally what happened while I was reading about this story. Literally, it happened while I was reading this one. And either way, this is apparently exactly the kind of thinking that resonates with the goddamn leader of the free world. Everyone go out and buy some goddamn stamps right the fuck now. Okay, everybody, 20 minutes of teeth gritting practice a day. Minimum. You hear me? Primaries are looking dirty.

Minimum. Grit and vote for whoever. Grit and vote for it for it look i'm voting for tulsi gabbard right now oh full-grown adult change your mind about whether gay people are people yeah i pulled the lever i did it and then maybe god will help news tonight you know we don't talk a hell of a lot about parliamentary procedure in the House Committee on Natural Resources on this show. And believe you me, we hear about it in the comments. As you all know, this subject is of interest to a wide swath of the U.S. population. Otherwise, it would be physically impossible for anyone to freak the fuck out when said committee moved to strike the words. So help you God from the mandatory recitation for

witnesses appearing before them some nerd showed up at that committee and he's like hey cool yeah natural resource committee uh i'm a scientist maybe the dune model for water allocation is not i was just thinking not ideal uh so help me spinoza deity which burn him yeah ranking member raul grahalva who runs the now democratically controlled committee proposed the change on wednesday which would oh god this is depressing which would likely represent the largest concession to non-religious americans made by the federal government in my lifetime right or at least it would be on the top 10 list the movement is strong to non-religious Americans made by the federal government in my lifetime. Woo!

Right? Or at least it would be on the top ten list. The movement is strong! But look, the fact that fucking Joe Christian has never heard of this committee and wouldn't be able to pick its swearing-in oath out of a list of shampoo ingredients didn't stop them from freaking the fuck out. Lather, rinse, rinse repeat so help me fucking god i just love christians are the mundungus fletcher of freak eyes i agree with theocracy in their ongoing effort to prove that no step towards equality is too insignificant to oppose, Fox News made this a major topic of interest during the most significant scandal in the history of the U.S. presidency.

Arbiter of moral virtue Liz Cheney appeared on the network to say the Democrats, quote, really have become the party of Karl Marx, end quote. Except for, you know, the communism thing. The Marxism. Yeah, exactly. I would bet literally anything she thinks it's the guy with the cigar. Anything.

Absolutely anything. And in fakethiest news tonight, you know, as we approach the final chapter of A Case for Christ, we've asked ourselves and others, is this really the best the Christians have? And we were reminded again this week that the answer to that is a resounding yes. Yeah. All I got in the mail from my born again cousin since he sent me that copy of A Case for Christ was a rubber chicken with a post-it that said i came first

yeah creationism or a really good fuck tip but bad evangelism either way yeah absolutely so here's the story according to a fundraising email from the apologetics ministry stand to reason passed along to hem at meta the friendly atheist blog this week. A Christian Bible camp brought in a fake atheist last week so campers could beat the crap out of him in a stage debate slash Q&A. Jesus Christ. Okay, so Matt Powell is a trendsetter. In case you had too many reasons to live. In case you were just thinking,

you know what I have is a lot of reasons to live. There's a minus one for you. they brought in the suicidal amoeba yay kids you stumped him all right so here's the quote from the email again this is christians telling the story quote nick even staged a stump the atheist event to conclude the five-day camp. He brought an atheist, really a Biola student and STR listener, and the kids peppered him with questions, with many of them asking some amazing follow-up questions, even pointing out his inconsistencies. I was a bit nervous, Nick admitted.

I wasn't sure anyone would rise to the occasion. But when the time came, after a week of training, the kids were armed and ready end quote jesus what does that look like right yeah no i'm trying to imagine the rocky montage if he like knew in advance that apollo was taking a dive in the third and at least the music is different you know he's boiling he's fucking he's scrambling them eggs he's cutting slides off of the meat christian kids running around a little pen picking up rubber chickens this is easy so given the nature of this story i think the solution is obvious stand to reason and

this camp needs some real atheists to volunteer and we'll be damned if we aren't the men for the job. So we made a quick stop to a local Christian day camp and would like to submit the following audio as our audition. Morgan, hit it. Which is why you haven't been asked a question hard enough to fuck your mother with in your miserable sheltered Nazi youth mirror of a goddamn life. Um, I asked where the bathroom was.

So, uh, how do you respond to the Kalam cosmological argument? You're fat. Um, what? I respond by pointing out that you, as a person, are fat. You are a fatty, fat, fat, fat. I don't think you're supposed to say... Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Next question.

You, brace face, metal mouth. Never mind. He's fat, too. Wasn't there a third guy with you? Yeah, he found the water slide. You guys are missing it. You're missing it. There's no line. There's a water guy with you yeah he found the water slide you guys are missing it you're missing it so what there's no line there's a water slide with no line you guys the best i'm a christian now

all right well that does sound fun so we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucid a man wrote the. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Okay, so here's the thing. I grew up in Georgia. I spent most of my life here. I get that we're never going to have a world where people don't cling to stupid worldviews. But there's a compromise here, I'm sure. Just because your worldview is stupid, that doesn't mean it's irreconcilable with smart. Let me give you a great example out of Virginia. So Virginia is on the brink of becoming the 38th state to ratify the

Equal Rights Amendment. And if you're anything like me, when you hear about states ratifying the ERA, it's like hearing about some one-hit wonder from your childhood that's still touring. But it's still out there chugging along with its refrain of, I think I can, I think I can. But unfortunately, stupid Christians think it can't. Enter member of the Virginia House of Delegates and stupid Christian Margaret Ransom she's the chair of the subcommittee in charge of deciding whether the ERA will go to a full vote and she cast the deciding vote that kills it why well she'd be happy to tell you speaking in defense of her vote she explained quote I don't need words on a piece of paper God made us all equal Now, that's fucking stupid.

Just objectively. But a stupid path can still get you there, right? Like, you could say, God made us all equal and here I am affirming his work with this legislation. I mean, it's not like you guys have an issue with legislating stuff that God already did, right? But no, somehow your God always lands on the side of misogyny. And for a quick reminder on why this can be deadly, we turn to Vatican City, where nothing is too stupid to be non-lethal. They decided on a new policy a couple weeks ago with regards to hysterectomies. It turns out that God only allows those if women can prove to his

earthly stand-ins that a pregnancy would be life-threatening, or if they can't get pregnant to begin with. Of course, in a sane world, this would only matter if you were a Catholic that took this shit seriously, but we don't live in a sane world. And in the world we do live in, Catholics own one out of every six of our hospitals, and they're setting binding medical policy by leering into the innards of sacrificed goats. And here's the Vatican acting like I've got no right to be pissed because the policy has an exemption for women who can prove a pregnancy would be life-threatening. But what about women who can't prove it? And what about women who sincerely believe that you can go fuck yourself?

There's almost no question this policy will cost lives. There's almost no question this policy will cost lives. And the only thing that will be gained by it is that some celibate men and child rapists will appease an imaginary deity that seems way too quick to forgive the kid rapes. Anyway, I could keep going, but the limit to these segments isn't the material. It's my blood pressure. So I'm going to go listen to some waterfalls or some shit and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines, according to a recent study, our country is being run by garbage human beings.

I agree with this study. They're not even smart enough to realize why they're garbage human beings. The study was conducted by Heath reading the news at literally any moment in the last two years and according to the most recent data the Vice President of the United States is incapable of having the shadow

of a female human being touch his righteous body without his religious fundamentalist bigot wife in the room to help assuage his evil shadow boner, I guess, or in headline form, Second Lady Karen Pence is a malignant C-word. Catholic. Yeah. Oh, okay.

And so is her husband. Oh, see, I thought you were going to say cancer, but you were more specific than that. Yeah, you were way worse. Way, way worse. Yeah. So just in case you missed it, Karen Pence is an art teacher at a school called Emanuel Christian School in Virginia, where they expel students for having gay family members or for attending a same-sex wedding or even for just generally acknowledging the existence of gay people they also have an official policy of never hiring a trans person and if you're thinking to yourself why would that school be allowed to exist yeah

great question great question according to laws they should not but according to other laws we're all being dicks about it if we make christian people have laws yep you might also be thinking why is a propaganda daycare allowed to use the word school in their title again great question they should not it's a school the way christ Christian science is science or the way the Trump Foundation was a foundation and not a wing of the KGB. Yeah. Right. Fun fact, you can swap out the word presidency for foundation in that joke and it works exactly the same. Exactly. In case you were going to kill yourself over something vague. I just want to make sure you can specify the specifics. Okay, so regardless of everything I just mentioned about Emanuel Christian School, the vice president is proud of his wife's place of work, and he believes all the recent criticism to be Christian persecution.

Christian persecution. He thinks, hey, stop working for a hate group equals Christian persecution. And when he says that out loud, he doesn't hear the problem. Somehow. Impressive. During a recent interview, Mike Pence

said it was deeply offensive to see major news outlets attacking Christian education. So, first of all, no, it's not. Learn better. Come on. But more importantly, nobody gives a fuck about the word Christian at the beginning of the school's title.

It's not like his wife gets a job at Ayn Rand Junior High instead and we're like, oh, okay, cool, cool, cool. That's a propaganda daycare for a secular hate group. She's fine. No, that's good. Fixed it. And we should point out that the criticism he's talking about was hashtag expose Christian schools, which meant that Mike Pence, our vice president, looked on Twitter and saw thousands and thousands of stories of abuse and horror and thought,

this is an attack on me. Yep. They're coming for me. Me and mother, the woman I call mother, who I also fuck. You're the good guys. I'm the good guy. And in Todd's not dead news tonight, a Brooklyn judge has officially ruled that a dead guy was alive

for three weeks longer than he was after his family sued New York Presbyterian for declaring him brain dead or in layman's terms, in dead. Yeah, that's also a way of saying that. By the way, Eli, this is your best pun week by far in your entire life. Live it up.

Marco Polio. Can we revisit Marco Polio real quick? Right? Come on. So yeah, according to this story, I'm Jewish. That's the accurate pronunciation. Don't correct me.

That is true. You're an anti-Semite. That guy, that Jew, died of a stroke on May 31st of 2017. However, since he and more importantly his family are Orthodox Jews, they insisted he not be declared

dead until three weeks later when he stopped breathing. And when the doctor was like, hey, that's fucking stupid. You don't get to decide how medicine works. They sued. And this week, they won. They do too.

Wow. Get to decide. Just same judge next week. He's sentencing a dentist. And the defendant will be required to sneak into the plaintiff's house at night and put a shiny silver dollar under his right so according to the court this is a real quote because respondents did not take

sufficient steps to reasonably accommodate the family's concerns including steps set forth in their own written policy and practice, it was not proper for respondents to declare Mr. Ngaard brain dead when they did, and quote, translation, do you be in real pedants about what constitutes

being alive and dead at your hospital? You lose. I'm a judge. Are we splitting hairs? oh yeah so we're gonna need to hear guys guys legal precedent now that alive and dead are subject to rifra considerations exists that's like i just feel like future historians very well may converge on this as the point where the dam broke. Yep. So I'm confused, though.

Like, now an Orthodox Jewish doctor can tell a family that their dead father has three weeks to live? Is that what it announced? Yeah. So the more you read into this thing, the more bizarre the story becomes. However, it does give me a business idea. Please no. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. Are the harsh realities of death bringing you down?

Is losing your loved ones just too much to handle right now? Why not consider our brand new religion, the Church of Denialism? According to the tenets of the Church of Denialism, the living are with us until we're good and ready, no matter what some fancy doctor says. Which means you don't have to let go. Ever. Remember that story you read in high school, Rose for Emily? It's like that, but a religion. That's right.

Just listen to this satisfied adherent. My relationship with the life-challenged women's rights opponent, Phyllis Schlafly, was causing tension in the workplace. But thanks to the Church of Denialism, if Noah and Heath complain about the smell, I can sue them. The Church of Denialism. Because life's too short not to make it longer. We're all

brain dead. And in trusty trombone news, according to a new Gallup poll, American Catholics are less trusting of clergy members than ever before. Experts are speculating this is related to either the Pope getting caught using the neighbor's Wi-Fi

or the news that decades of news about sexually assaulting children was very much real and also very much tiny compared to the actual size of that crime. Like whatever number you had in your head, it's that plus thousands and thousands more. It's one of those two things. And that was enough for a little over a third of the trusting Catholics to change their vote since last year.

This is the largest drop in almost two decades. Right, and keep in mind, this poll doesn't count people who stopped being Catholics. This is just people who are on some kind of weird 24-strike system, but they stay Catholic. They hit it this year. It's unclear. Yeah. So here's the breakdown from Gallup.

Among practicing Catholics, the trust level dropped from 49% a year ago to not fucking zero. It didn't drop to zero. The new number is 31 31 in this latest poll so i guess the headline should actually be some american catholics believe clergy are a trustworthy group still what the fuck um in a related story according to a new heath poll a little over a third of trusting american catholics learned how to count past one this year well okay so i'm actually shocked that the number is still so high because i mean because what the fuck is a catholic who doesn't find clergy trustworthy right a fan of bland biscuits how the hell is i don't trust what they're saying, I just voluntarily give them money, a majority opinion in any demographic. Just people who are into crackers and wine.

I guess. Yeah. I love big, quiet rooms. Yeah. And by the way, according to another Heath poll, American Catholics have a really weird line in the sand when it comes to sexual assault of children. And how much is too much? Like, where the fuck was that line?

And the answer is, shut the fuck up, Catholic people who just now changed their vote. It doesn't matter what your answer was going to be because now we know your line was somewhere in between thousands of kid rapes and way more thousands of kid rapes. Jesus. And just for the record, we have about 70 million Catholic people in the U.S. That means about 12.5 million people had their line in the sand about too many kid rapes in the medium thousands area that I just described. I want to meet that guy just like look any organization is going to have hundreds of kids rapists but thousands that's on you i'm a bug and uh one other ridiculous number that goes along with the poll is the total rate of catholicism that we have in the u.s that number tends to float around the 20 to 30 percent area.

And that's exactly where it continues floating now. The percentage of Americans who call themselves Catholic is holding steady somehow. It's like Donald Trump's approval rating if he fucked Barron. We cut to a bunch of raped Catholic kids going, well, at least he didn't give me a happy meal. And one other detail. Prosecutors have only come out and officially asked Catholic leaders in a small handful of states if they're actively hiding pedophile rapists. Not sure how long it takes a lawyer to ask that question 50 times. But I did it super fast just now as a test run before we started recording really fast.

Like pro tip, you want to minimize the words in the question. If you're trying to get it as fast as possible, just be like rapists, rapists, rapists. I was done in like 30 seconds. You're right through it.

But regardless, even at the pace we're going, we should be seeing every single Catholic person turning Protestant and then turning Jewish and then turning atheist by the end of 2019. But I'm sure we won't. Oh, you fucking tease. I was having these brief fantasies about Joel Osteen money.

Oh. That'd be so great. And finally tonight, in gaybies news, we finally learned how to make gay babies this week which is going to save us a lot of juice box lining cost in our secular goal of turning everyone in america into a gay trans communist with autism i don't mind saying it oh oh can i guess no i would like to know legally speaking you cannot so it turns out it's way easier than we thought you don't need to sneak

gay books into school libraries or force their parents to bake gay cakes or develop subliminal gay love stories in Disney movies that only Kevin Swanson can see. According to Catholic blogger Richard G. Evans, all you need to do is call unborn male fetuses princess. Okay. If this is true, I have an amazing prank war for literally all the christians so yeah i was also surprised by this but he lays out the methodology of his study here and of one self-reported double unblinded because the bird backs challenge is dangerous boys and girls in the article evans who identifies as having same-sex attraction but is celibate, so apparently Catholic God's okay with it, relays the story of the tragically all-the-way gay Andre.

You see, Andre's dad wanted a daughter, so he referred to his wife's yet sexless fetus as her and used terms of endearment like princess, which, Evans is convinced, is why Andre loves the dick now. Which is why you don't play mozart for your kids they come out all german and now yeah it's a good lesson eli's parents played lots of um npr and a little bit of nirvana i'm guessing but just a little just a little and my parents just played the white album the whole time and and drank a lot and drank

a lot that was the major thing also all right so evan's defense is assertion by appealing to the argument from you haven't bothered to prove i'm wrong yet because this is too stupid for you to have thought of saying quote science cannot definitively tell us how much unborn children understand but it is known that they feel pain and clearly sense the mood of their mother and other loved ones. End quote. As though the logical end of that observation is, so it stands to reason that they A, understand the concept of masculine and feminine pronouns more than a year before they manage concepts like bi and no, and B, thus logically change their sexual preference okay i get it though i've met a gay baby like you guys ever met a baby and you're like that baby is fucking gay gay baby jordan peterson's baby comes out it's they them fuck you guys read a book all right so bottom line our lives just got

a lot easier and there will be a lot more money for fake moon landings with the budget that this frees up i believe china has dibs so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring the headlines to a close heath eli thanks as always snowballs are for fatties and when we come back heath will make fun of dogs. Love snowballs. All the best. Hey, podcast listener. Do you love Scathing Atheist?

Do you worry that the guys are computer simulated and you won't be able to sleep until you've seen that they're real people? Well, good news, because the guys are coming to Denver, Colorado for a live God Awful Movies on March 9th. They'll be breaking down one that's been on the list since the show began, the all-too-appropriate Reefer Madness. But that's not all. Grab your platinum tickets for a chance to enjoy an all-inclusive dinner, drinks, and riff-track style viewing of the movie with the guys the night before.

Or go full hog and get the platinum package, which includes platinum knife and a VIP ticket to the show. That was a hog. Godawful Movies live March 9th at the Oriental Theater in Denver, Colorado. Buy your tickets or we will die. With many of our listeners in the middle of a live action preview of the heat death of

the universe, we figured now would be the perfect time to warm them up with a little roast. Fortunately fortunately we still have quite a few charitable roasts to get through so eli this first one's for you nilesh noricar sorry if i'm butchering your name gave us 150 bucks to roast his wife because apparently he hates having sex right and dog there's gotta be less painful ways to kill yourself buddy what are you thinking man um okay well your wife you sent us a picture. She is lovely. She looks like she's going to take off her glasses and

shake her hair out and want to heat sexual fantasies. That is accurate. She looks like Hermione Granger married for money, and it's... Okay, and I'm going to go ahead and assume that N-Dog has a lot of money because you

look like a mean cartoon of all the races, dude. Okay, so keep it up. Yeah, no, she looks as skeptical as we are that she's in that picture. Sorry, I feel like that roast was good, but it missed. It missed. I'll try harder on this next one. Did it? George would like us to roast him and his girlfriend.

So, hey, you guys look like the Fisher-Price people grew up to be survivalists. Amish people went undercover for some 80s comedy hijinks or something. Maybe you need to see the picture for this. She looks kind of low

definition. Like 8-bit. Yeah, you look like a photo for a news story about the first guy to marry a hologram. She looks like a photo for a news story about the first guy to marry a hologram. She looks like a manic pixel dream girl. Yeah, there you go. And George looks like he won her over by giving her a nice easy riddle to cross the bridge that he guards as a child.

All right. So, Heath, Andrew would like a roast for his brother, Stephen, a music snob who thinks the best albums are obscure punk rock that only sound good on vinyl. Great, great. Yeah. So, hey, Steve, just quick thing. That's not what snob means. That's stupid. Your refined musical palate only likes one, four and five chords.

Those are the top shelf chords in your head you feel like you're a snob uh that's stupid also those bands only sound good on vinyl because nobody gives a fuck about uh apocalypse toilet since 1975 and they only exist on vinyl yeah it sounds better when you can hear it less that's great musical taste all right gentlemen got a couple of specific requests for you here eli megan needs a roast for her jew preferably by another jew yeah the number of times you said jew just now kind of mandates my participation let's see uh megan's jew looks like the Facebook profile for a guy who goes viral for being racist alright, Heath okay, another dog, what do you got?

nope, attractive listener okay, alright I would have preferred a dog actually, if you think about it you say that at the end of all your relationships but I don't make the rules here, Heath okay, but you do though Trevor would like a roast for his English major girlfriend, Autumn.

All right. Lovely. Autumn looks like an English major. She looks like the novel she's been working on is super interesting before sex. Like super duper interesting in that time period. Alright, Noah. One for you that I know will be near and dear to your heart. Joshua

would like a roast of cops who pose with weed busts. Okay, yeah. Yeah, good one. I've never understood that you don't see like SEC officers posing in front of giant piles of exploited black homeowners. I feel like maybe it's like an overcompensation thing, right?

Like if you know what you do is negative, useful, like your whole job is to stop transactions that are consensual on both sides because people in the 30s were racist against a plant for sounding Mexican. You have to own that shit, right? It's like I wanted to go to my room anyway of occupational justification. All right, so this next one is for all of us. It's from Ted. He gave us $250 to roast our favorite member of the intellectual dark web. Thank you, Ted. Wow, excellent.

All right, I'm going to go with the most American Canadian ever, Jordan Peterson, who looks like the world's most boring vampire, like the worst fucking vampire. You're excited. You meet him at a dinner party and you're like, wow, a vampire. No fucking way. You got to tell us about all these stories like you've been alive for centuries and you fuck these famous historical figures and you got magical powers. Tell us about that stuff. And he'd be like, I heard you ranking the races earlier. I want to push back on your top five. Fuck you. God damn it.

Magic. Nothing. You're the worst. All right. So the beauty of being as non-Eli as I am about the Internet is that like Eli sent along a link to who counts as a member of the intellectual dark web because he knew I wouldn't know. And I only know who like three of those people are. I've heard of a couple of the other ones from other people hating them. Right. But I don't even know what I'm supposed to hate about it.

Right. But I don't even know what I'm supposed to hate about him. But OK, Ben Shapiro always looks like he just remembered that time 17 years ago when he found out they had put alcohol in that punch. Indeed, he does. Thank you, Ted. This was for me. Thank you. So many great pickings on this list. I'd love to do them all. But I'm going to go with Rush Limbaugh's favorite native informant and rape apologist, Christina Hoff Summers. Oh, so much to go with here. I could point out that Dr. Summers looks like her legacy, empty, shriveled, and

shameful. I could say that she looks like if all the mothers of all the rapists in the world got together to form Voltron. But the best roast I can give her is the hell she's living. See, Dr. Summers gets to watch the world leave behind her choice for the short dollar and watch as her dying brand of pick me is replaced with me too. All right.

Well, Heath, that got a little real. So to wind things back up, it's time for you to make fun of some dogs. Are you ready? So we got dogs too? Great. Dogs, yeah, and attractive listeners. things back up it's time for you to make fun of some dogs are you ready so we got dogs too great dogs yeah and attractive listeners okay our friend deb would like you to roast both of her rescue dogs dharma and sagan hi deb deb's the best all right uh and the dogs are the best okay so dharma is a very large pit bull sharpay who thinks she's actually very small.

Every picture we got looks like the canine equivalent of that 15-year-old kid who's about to tackle his tiny mom and start breastfeeding like in missionary position violently. Sitting in her lap after that. You can't even see mom now. It looks ridiculous.

That's Dharma. And Sagan is the red redheaded stepchild of dogs. But he's good at everything. Like I've played Frisbee. He's like better at throwing a Frisbee than me and catching a Frisbee. He's amazing. So you hate him even more than a regular redheaded stepchild. If Sagan was a kid in my middle school, I'd be saying like, hey, Sagan, nice shot in a pickup basketball game. But you know what's even better than being good at basketball?

You don't? Real parents is the answer. Real parents. Having a mom who birthed me and continued wanting me the whole time. Wow. That's what's the best. Got your money's worth there, Deb. Sagan, you're an orphan. And while we're here, we also got a donation from a dog named Tika who would like a roast for his sister, Soba. Okay. Soba looks like a stuffed animal owned by an abusive child. Not like a real dog, like glass eyes and like not.

Like the kid tried to do the peanut butter thing and Soba just sat there and pretended to be a stuffed animal and then had to commit to that bit forever. That's what Soba looks like. All right, Eli, last one for you. Bradley would like a roast for his brother, Lane. Oh, Jesus. Talk about a gimme.

Lane, look, some guys can pull off long hair and I am not just saying that because I'm sitting next to Noah and he'll pinch me. But you look like Weird Al Yankovic started taking quaaludes, dude. On top of that, from the pictures Bradley sent, you seem to have managed every possible variation of terrible mustache in one human.

I don't even know how you did it. You have run the gamut from child pornographer to slightly older child pornographer i don't know i think that was kind of mean like i mean lane was obviously born without a chin yeah i don't know that we should make fun of him so much as donating to like a chin cause or something well what we're at it, could we arrange for some kind of cheekbone graft? You look like you'd get cut from being an extra in silence for being too offensive. All right, Noah, we're going to let you finish this one off with a roast for Mick, who I believe is Cardinal George Pell.

Uh-huh. Wow. So what can I say? A Cardinal Pell that hasn't already been said. Other than not guilty, I mean. Wow. So what can I say? A Cardinal Pell that hasn't already been said other than not guilty. I mean, okay. So he starts off like looking like a Dick Tracy villain, got a CPA license after the divorce to begin with. And then he rapes kids. Right.

And then and then he covers up for kid rape all over his diocese and then all over the world. His whole biography is like an exponential growth curve of bad traits. If we don't kill him now, he's going to have to commit trans-dimensional xenocide by this time next year. Anyway, there's a lot more insults still to come. So we'll be back soon with more Vulgarity for Charity. So we'll be back soon with more vulgarity for charity. Before we hit up a save point, I want to remind you to check the show notes for info on how to see us live in Denver in March. I got a birthday coming up a couple of days before we go.

And the gift I want most of all is you paying to come see me. Kind of fucks it up when I finish that sentence, doesn't it? Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show, Citation Nuded, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would be brand X if I neglected to thank Keith Enright, who really had to move the sun, the moon, and the

stars to be here today. I need to thank Eli Bosright, who really had to move the sun, the moon, and the stars to be here today. I need to thank Eli Bosnick, who really only had to move Eli Bosnick to be here today, but that can be difficult. I also want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions, who moved me to be here today. And I also want to thank Kenny Weiland for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for doing a little time for the team.

You seen Reservoir Dogs, Kenny? You're Mr. Blonde. I'm Joe Cabot. You hear me? We're going to take care of you while you're on the inside Just don't break But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people Richard, Michaelia, Amos, Nathan, and Keith Ask me Joel, Drew, and Steven Richard, Michaelia, and Amos, who are so sexy

Wandering lusts after them Nathan, Keith, and Esme, whose IQs have more ones and zeros Than this MP3 And Joel, Drew, and Steven, whose cocks are so intimidating That when they get in a cold pool, the water shrinks. Together, these nine naughty, naughty non-believers nudged our net worth nearer to nice this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingadeast, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices

of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, and he wrote all the music that was used in this episode and it was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. All right. All right, Morgan. Let's do this. So the dinner now, dinner now. This is a live show.

That's SportsCenter, but you know what he means. He gets it anyway. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.