The Scathing Atheist - 312: Top 10 Moral Edition

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

In this week’s episode, the Jews will make it to Mount Sinai, Christian people celebrate Black Face History Month, and Pew Research finds out sick people are less healthy. Come see us live in Denver! https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called Guest Links: Check out Andrew’s podcast here: To get in touch with Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, send your inquiries here: [e-mail] Headlines: Survey: Actively Religious People Are Happier: http://www.pewforum.org/2019/01/31/religions-relationship-to-happiness-civic-engagement-and-health-around-the-world/ Sarah Huckabee Sanders: God “Wanted Donald Trump to Become President”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/30/sarah-huckabee-sanders-god-wanted-donald-trump-to-become-president/ Franklin Graham Refuses to Acknowledge Any of Donald Trump’s 8,158 Lies (So Far): https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/30/franklin-graham-refuses-to-acknowledge-any-of-donald-trumps-8158-lies-so-far/ Texas Catholic Dioceses Disclose 286 Priests Credibly Accused of Child Sex Abuse: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/02/texas-catholic-dioceses-disclose-286-priests-credibly-accused-of-child-sex-abuse/ Kentucky’s Christian Governor Wants Kim Davis to Pay Her $225,000 Bigotry Fine: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/01/30/kentuckys-christian-governor-wants-kim-davis-to-pay-her-225000-bigotry-fine/ Coach dave says food companies are using aborted fetuses in flavoring https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/02/dave-daubenmire-food-companies-are-using-aborted-fetus-tissue-in-flavoring/ Teacher at CA Christian school wears blackface during lesson about David Livingstone: https://www.newsweek.com/blackface-teacher-school-racism-africa-california-1314358 This Week in Misogyny: Pakistani women fear violence for bike riding: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/05/when-young-pakistani-women-ride-bikes-disapproval-and-violence-ensues/ Islamic school in the UK makes girls wait to eat until boys have had enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/05/at-an-islamic-school-in-the-uk-girls-may-eat-when-the-boys-have-had-their-fill/ Woman found guilty of FGM in the UK (for the first time): https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/01/for-the-first-time-a-uk-woman-was-found-guilty-of-female-genital-mutilation/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, if you don't like profanity, you're in the wrong place. Both in terms of the podcast and the century. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Robin Hood

and by the new stylish accessory for the successful career woman standing behind a lying asshole who needs to be periodically electrocuted. Cattle Prada. Cattle Prada. Because the State of the Union didn't have to be boring. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Don Ford. I'm a voice actor. And I am Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth. As a professor of science, I can assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's February 7th. And it's wave all your fingers at your neighbor day. Okay, 100% sure you celebrated this wrong.

It's finger-like. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from John Travolta's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Jews will make it to Mount Sinai. Christian people celebrate Blackface History Month, and Pew Research finds out sick people are less healthy.

But first, the diatribe. so let me tell you why i hate arguing with religious people again it's a twisty road to get to the point but i promise this story involves a tennis ball and an asshole and not necessarily in that order okay so the so the story starts in July when Lucinda and I packed up our things and moved back to this tiny little shithole town in Georgia where her dad lives. It's also the town where both of us lived when we met, so we still have a lot of friends here, but they're shitty friends, right? They're like small town only other guy that smokes weed and doesn't say the n-word a lot friends. They're lingerers on from high school friendships that should have been written off as marriages of assigned seating convenience.

I mean, I've got a few friends in Georgia that are genuinely good people that I enjoy spending time with, but I also have a few people I just don't have the heart to say fuck off to. Okay, that's actually not true. But my wife has a lot of those people and she won't let me tell them to fuck off.

So enter, we'll call her Cassie. Cassie is a friend that my wife made in junior high or something that would probably make the top 100 list of America's shittiest people if we had a few precogs knocking out all the violent criminals, right? So she's a racist. She's a homophobe. She's a transphobe. She's a Bible thumper. She's a transphobe. She's a Bible thumper. She's a Trump supporter. And sorry if this seems redundant at this point, she's a fucking idiot. She speaks like Trump spells. Okay, that level of stupid. But she has two adorable

daughters whose favorite person in the whole wide world is their Aunt Lucinda. So I'm forced to occasionally tolerate Cassie for the length of time it takes to make and decorate cupcakes or something. And I have to be nice, or I'm not allowed to have sex or cupcakes. So I'm nice. Even when the conversation turns to, as it did on Saturday afternoon, the latest revelation offered up to her by her psychic. This begins, by the way, with maybe my least favorite sentence of all time. It's like the words are serrated. She says, I know my pastor says it's a sin like witchcraft

and palmistry, but my psychic done knowed things. I mean, like, I'm pretty sure Cassie's psychic does know things, but I reject the premise that Cassie is in any position to judge. This is a person that just managed to get religion, pseudoscience, mangled tense, and a meaningless conclusion into the same fucking sentence. It's like somehow she knew all my triggers and just wanted an extra cupcake. Of course, I know better than to ask how she knows her psychic is psychic. I did the whole psychic shtick before. And when I'd read tarot cards for people, I'd watch as idiots would tell me they had two kids and then be surprised later when I knew they had two kids. I know the cold reading trick. So, you know, if I ask, she'd say something like, well, she knew my grandpa, dad

near Thanksgiving. But if we could go back and replay the tape she'd have actually said something like i sense a trauma around november or december so i didn't bite but lucinda politely on her way through so this led to talk of a guru that she met through her psychic at some retreat which was no doubt a holiday in conference room that she paid 180 to hum in and by the way if this sounds weird to you coming from a Bible thumper, you know, like with a guru, you just need to meet more dumb Christians, okay? I mean, you and I look at Hindu, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hodgepodge and see it as in direct conflict with Bible-believing Christian, but let's face it, if these people understood concepts like contradiction, they couldn't exactly be Bible-believing Christians at all, could they? Anyway,

eventually she tells Lucinda this story of the way she knew the guru was legitimately magical and it's a goddamn parlor trick okay so she says at one point in the retreat the guru told her to take her wrist and find his pulse and then he stopped it all together with nothing but his will and she told the story as though she'd witnessed the unearthing of the Holy fucking Grail. Look, I'm not a magician, so I'm allowed to tell you this. This is a fucking magic trick, and a lot of you probably know how it's done. But in case you don't, it works like this.

You hold a tennis ball under your armpit. That's the whole thing. You just squeeze down a little, so it pinches off that big artery by your bicep, and that inhibits the blood flow to your arm, so your pulse stops for a second. And, of course, as a juggler, I'm never all that far from a tennis ball, so I recreate the trick for her.

I do the exact same thing her guru did. Now, she stares in baffled amazement for a second, and then I show her how it's done. And her daughters are super excited about this, right? They found a new way to baffle their friends, but for a brief second, Cassie is crushed. She's been clinging to this phenomenon as her spiritual lifeline. It was her go-to example of proof that there was some truth underneath the spiritual assertions that governed her life. It was the only tangible thing that was ever offered to her by a pastor, a priest, a guru, or a psychic, and it was a lie. And you could see all that on her face, but you had to

watch quick because the instant her brain made it through the conclusion of this revelation, she also erased it from her memory. Right. The kids are asking Lucinda to feel their pulses to see if they're doing it right. And already she's making excuses. She points out that just because I know a fake way to do it doesn't mean her psychic dude didn't know a magical way. And besides, none of that diminishes the fact that her psychic did know that grandpa died near Thanksgiving. You know, just already ignoring everything that happened. And it's hardly worth bringing this up, except that it underscores a point that I have to make every fucking time somebody asked me to explain something to their religious aunt or their grandma or something. This was offered up as her best evidence, right? This was by her own telling before I exposed the fraud, the best evidence she had. And when I took that foundational piece away, her faith was undiminished. She replaced it with something else. She ignored the fact that it was foundational to begin with. She ignored what she just learned. She went back

to her sky castle as though nothing had ever fucking happened. I'm not saying it wasn't worth doing. Of course, you know, maybe she's still wrestling with it. And someday down the road, she'll realize it was all a con. And maybe I set that in motion. Maybe I planted a seed with her. There's plenty of fertilizer in there to nourish it. But one way or the other, her daughter's left a little less likely to get duped by their mom's psychic. So at least I can cling to that. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Bert and Robert Ducky to my Ernie Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick, which is my gay lover. You may never know. Fellas, I've got an amazing vulgarity for charity roast that I've been saving for you. Nathan gave us over 100 bucks to roast Christian karate teacher Kirk Stewart. I put a picture in the notes. Apparently, this guy created his own form of martial arts, so it would be more Jesus-y. Oh, the picture is amazing. I wish I could just make it the photo for this week's episode he thinks he can heal attacks from using chi he's a creationist and according to nathan

he once credulously cited an article from the onion during a lesson oh we finally found him the god of wrist control he looks like if the word actually got turned into a guy he looks like you can look at his samurai sword but you definitely can't touch it right and then the police are like no we can do whatever we want you're under arrest for carrying around a samurai sword in public. And no, you're not a deputy. Stop showing up here. Don't critique my form as I arrest you. Don't, sir. In our lead story tonight,

Pew Research just gave your aunt Kathy some more bullshit to sling around while she desperately ignores all the arguments she's already lost in the form of a new survey that shows that actively religious people are, statistically speaking, happier than non-religiously active people. Sorry, everyone.

Sorry. I got to stop answering their calls. I'm fucking it up for everyone. I apologize. They were like, all right, rate your happiness from 1 to 10. And Eli was like, ah, it's square root of negative 1. I don't know. Yeah.

On the left side of that happiness bell curve, Eli's the fat tail by himself. He's the entire fat tail. I'm so... What a nickel. Obviously, there isn't room on the internet to go into all the reasons that this survey is worthless, but let's start with the lack of a relevant comparison. So, like, if you looked at this number

and compared it with people who are active in any other thing, what you'd find is a statistically insignificant difference, right? So people who are active in their bridge club or their monthly astronomy meetup or even their local atheist group will wind up being just as happy, which means that what we're talking about here is the differences between socially active people and non-socially active people. But people who like people are happier i guess is too obvious to build a headline around so instead we get this clickbait nonsense i mean do they account for the shitty people factor like it seems like any sound study on this would have to be like x number of people are shitty and stay home because they suck. I'm just trying to science here. Let's throw it out there. Those variables isolate themselves, right?

Is that how you do it? That's science. They isolate them. We're done. Of course, look, even if you solved for the measuring the wrong thing problem and established that there was

a specific correlation here between religion, it still wouldn't prove causation, and in this instance it wouldn't even suggest it. Since being happy is known to lead to attending more stuff. You already lost everybody who did this survey. Yeah, I mean, and to be fair,

Pew admits as much in the accompanying article, but look, if your survey data contains actively religious people as a category, you were full of shit going in. Right. We don't divide up actively Republican or actively Puerto Rican in our surveys. The experimental design is set up to drive a false narrative. OK, well, as someone who's been told to be less actively Jewish, I resent your implication. As someone who was ignored when he told you to be less actively Jewish, I resent your implication. As someone who was ignored when he told you

to be less actively Jewish, you should. Jew less. Just pop back down. The less you Jew, the more you Jew. And if that's not enough to shut up Aunt Kathy, by the way, you can also point out that self-reported happiness is possibly the least meaningful

inter-human comparison that you can have. Or you could go full george bernard shaw on her and point out that the happiness argument didn't sway her much when she caught her delinquent ass son with crack and in god votes red news tonight with donald trump's approval rating tanking almost as fast as the american economy none other than show favorite sarah huckabee sanders took to the christian broadcasting network to remind us that the president still has one big supporter god okay no i'm sorry but i'd be so much less depressed if his numbers were actually tanking no they're still holding

steady at 40 or so at this point i I feel like Hillary needs to come out and apologize for coming out and apologizing for the basket of deplorables remark. In fact, it turned out to be, she's like those gluten people. Now, I messed up a softball analogy a few weeks ago, so let me see if I got this right. In the softball equivalent of lesbians throwing under hands. No, no, it's not an analogy if you're comparing it to itself. It's also not, it doesn't have

to be homophobic. Well, then I don't know what you want from this analogy. I don't know. A non homophobic analogy? That'd be good. No. Okay, no, or maybe just say stuff normal. Why don't you just stick with level one? Either way,

I feel criticized. Either way, in the softest of softball interviews, nailed it, that includes Sarah literally explaining that the press is always waiting with those gotcha questions. She had this to say about Donald Trump's divine mandate. Actually, Heath, will you help me out with this? Okay, sorry, got it. I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times. And I think he wanted Donald Trump to become president. And that's why he's there. And I think he's done a tremendous job in supporting a lot of the things that people of faith really care about. There you go. Nailed it. Nailed it. When asked if that applied to Donald Trump's predecessor, Sanders replied, that was the

devil. They switch off election. Yeah. And in Graham overclocking news, right wing evangelist with millions of followers, Trump supporter and evil 1970s news anchor with the superpower of square face, Franklin Graham, did an interview with MSNBC last week, during which he was not held on the ground by Rachel Maddow while she slowly lowered a column of spit into his mouth.

So that was disappointing. But we did get the interview. I mean, we can still dream interview i mean we could still dream heath we could still dream or we can enact operation gabardine right but here's what we did get we did get to watch a live action robot malfunction when graham's christianity software got violently crashed by exposure to data. Actually, exposure to a datum. Right. Datum of fact caused a meltdown for Graham. And that fact was the number of lies told by Donald Trump during his first two years in office. It's 88 yeah that's the number it is okay but to be fair to uh graham

this is a guy whose favorite book is the old and new testament and donnie's not anywhere close to the bible's numbers for now no i'm just what's amazing to me is how many individual data you could have been talking about right like this could have been and it could have been the definition of the greek pistis, for example. Nobody would have seen that coming. Yeah, so during the interview, Graham was asked by Craig Melvin to reconcile his Christian value of truth

with his support for Donald Trump, given those 8,158 documented lies compiled by the Washington Post fact checker. That's over 11 public lies every single day. That's about one lie every 86 minutes for every single waking hour for two straight years while president. And here's the response from Graham, Quote, well, I don't know how to reconcile that. I bet you don't. I mean, you have a fact checker for the president, but I don't know if you have a fact checker for the media at the same time. End quote.

At which point, I'm assuming Graham's face started spinning around while he mouthed, checker checker checker fact checker checker checker fact checker checker checker and he started bleeding from his ears and spewing steam I guess what I'm trying to say is to quoque y'all know to y'all know quoque

think about what this says about his understanding of truth right the Washington Post fact checker doesn't just post declarations of lie dumb, right? Like he quotes a claim, then cites a bunch of on the record evidence and then assigns an appropriate number of Pinocchios. But Graham assumes that there's just some dude on the fact throne at WAPO HQ declaring what shall count as lies because that's how he thinks truth works yep so craig melvin let graham's handlers do a force reset or whatever they had to do and then he continued with some follow-ups and graham continued to underestimate the number of lies by donald trump by about 8158 and then it just devolved into Melvin using different words

to make Graham keep talking about it and hopefully have another software crash because it was like super fun the first time. It was basically like, okay, Pastor Graham, come on. I will not come on. Come on. No, you come on. And then Melvin tried the, you know,

wabbit season, duck season trick, I'm assuming. And then he was like, sycophant says what? And Graham said what? And then Graham slowly set up a Monopoly board and then flipped it and then ran away crying. It was a pretty great interview. It was nine minutes of dead air, but totally worth it for that flight.

Yeah, no, the best part was when Melvin realized what he was going to do and he told him he knew, but Graham still counted out all the money. That's great. Amazing. And then there have been too many lists of Catholic pedophiles released for me to continue to come up with new puns every time news tonight. Right. Like, that's actually a thought I had in my head. Gee, do I have another pun for this?

Anyway, our state by state batch of phenomenal numbers of as of yet unknown catholic child molesters comes from texas this month the february list contains 286 names which is slightly smaller than the pennsylvania report but before texas celebrates that fact let's remind everybody that the texas list wasn't the byproduct of a grand jury it was what they elected to offer up, you see. And was, without question, trimmed down so that they didn't have the biggest numbers. Oh, certainly, yeah, because it's short by like 15. Yeah, everyone sat around and was like,

tell you what, let's lose Father Flannery. He fucked two kids. That's basically it. Right, yes. Hey, Oklahoma, you get all of North Texas for a minute what never mind we took it back we had now we're done we don't need to talk about that

nothing at this point this is clearly the plan right like you hit them with that PA number you let the shock wear off a bit and then you go state by state and at a certain point even an atheist podcast has to be like are we really going to do another story about the hundreds of child rapists harbored and encouraged by what the irs defines as a charity guys okay okay i don't quote you during staff

meetings i'd appreciate the same respect it's a safe space oh i love this too okay so cardinal daniel dinardo of the archdiocese of galveston houston said they quote decided to release the names of these priests at this time because it is right and just and to offer healing and hope to those who have suffered, end quote, which just about explicitly states that those ungrateful rapes didn't really deserve healing and hope until just now. Right. They just passed in to needing it. He also left out all this stuff about the public screaming for the publication of this

information once it became general knowledge that, you know, each state has a giant list of rapists they were harboring that nobody bothered to ask for yet. So that factored into it, too. Cool. Cool. The market solution for healing and hope is what they went with. Supply finally met demand for healing and hope for rape victims. you know coincidentally right before the da demanded it so i finally met the man right before it got demanded by a prosecutor it's great it's god's invisible hand at work though also is it me or is implied in

that statement that the time to reveal a child rapist is not right the fuck away yes let's try who raped a child too slow waiting for the question is too slow yeah right the fact that i had to ask is too slow now like all these lists at this point these names are coming from church records and thus most or all of the priests named are either dead or their crimes are beyond the statute of limitations up until now there's been no indication that any of these numerous lists have led to a single new prosecution or even investigation also worth reminding everybody that when illinois asked the church and the victims the victims offered up a hell of a lot more names than the church so as bad as these numbers are that you keep seeing in the headline never lose sight of the fact that the real ones are way worse. And in country justice news tonight,

you know, it's been a great couple of years if you hate Kim Davis. First, she lost that role in The Handmaid's Tale for looking too on the nose. Then she lost her trial. And finally, her election. However, Lady Fate sweetened the pot this week when her constant supporter, best friend, and man robot made slightly a little bit wrong, supporter Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin

told her she can pay her own goddamn $225,000 legal bill. Look here, Kim. I'm not saying you aren't a martyr to our cause. You are. I'm just saying them 30 pieces of martyr to our cause. You are. I'm just saying them 30 pieces of silver got to come from somewhere. Okay.

Indeed. Yes. Despite the fact that Bevin has called Davis a hero and an inspiration, his lawyers filed this week for the fees to fall solely on her shoulders, saying in their briefs before the sixth district that Davis acted alone and in defiance of Kentucky law, which, to be fair, she did. Yeah, she did. It's like a game of bigot scrabble. Like, the Supreme Court put out gay person on the board, and Matt Bevin was like, Kim, Kim, they're not people.

That's not, you should totally challenge. You should totally challenge us. I'm not losing my turn if you're wrong, but you should totally challenge that. That would be the best thing. And look, as much as I'd love to tell you that that settles the Madmer, sadly, this will probably go the other way. The state did accommodate Davis by changing the forms to be more, I don't know, bigot friendly.

And she was acting in her official capacity as a state representative. So yeah, the whole state is going to foot her bill. But I think it's nice for all of us to remember that when push comes to shove, Matt Bevin was ready to do both of those things to Davis right under the bus. Straight under the bus. From South Park that she drives as her job. Yeah, no surprise that even the hardiest of shoves from Matt Bevin isn't going to do that trick. And quick, before we accidentally reflect

on how quickly she would raise that quarter mil on Hickstarter or whatever, we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, Robin Hood. You know, here at The Scathing Atheist, we like to keep things fun and fresh by presenting our ads as skits or humorous dialogue starring a pug of Pegacorn. But as it turns out, not every podcast can do that

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You said it was everywhere. A man wrote the Bible? A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man!

This Week in Misogyny. Gotta admit, this segment is a little bit awkward for me. Because I'm recording this on Wednesday, but you won't hear it until Thursday. And by then, I have no idea how legal abortion will be in this country. We'll get a big indicator of where we're heading with the post-Ocean's 9 Supreme Court in terms of chipping away at that right. And I'm not sure which way it's going to fall yet. But there's no sense in sweating over it yet. So to keep my mind off of the Christian extremists shitting all over the rights of women in America, I brought you three stories about Muslim extremists shitting all over the rights of women elsewhere. We'll

start in Pakistan, where apparently it's taboo for women to ride bicycles if they can't do it side saddle. It's considered, according to the article I read, quote, a vulgar and sex-like act because a woman must straddle a seat, end quote. And honestly, I can't tell if the person who said that is having terrible sex or amazing sex. It could really go either way, I guess. But the point is that when women and girls ride bicycles in Pakistan, they're subject to harassment and even violence for such lewd and provocative behavior. But Zaluka Dawood is trying to change that. She's an activities organizer for a girls community center, and she started weekly bike rides for girls last year in an effort to push back against this antiquated prohibition.

Apparently, she was running a girls boxing club when she saw a couple of boys ride by on bikes and thought, fuck it. And I know that the end of the story is a bunch of middle-aged men yelling slut at 11-year-old girls in cute little helmets, but in my head, the fact that it started as a boxing club gives me hope for a happy ending eventually. Anyway, moving from one failed state to another, our next story comes to us from the UK, Birmingham, England to be exact. Where an Islamic school is in hot water this week after it came to light that they had a gender segregated lunch in which girls were not allowed to eat until the boys were finished.

Keep in mind that just segregating the lunch by gender has been illegal in the UK since 2017. I'm not sure if they have a specific law against serving the girls the boys scraps, but if not, it's probably because they just didn't think to write one. This revelation came to us from Ofsted, the UK Office of Standards of Education, which also pointed to what they described as, quote, very discriminatory text encouraging violence against women, end quote, that were apparently part of the curriculum there. But apparently they're suffering through the same problems we have here when you try to hold churches accountable for violations of the Johnson's Amendment or anything else.

This has been known about for years. And despite Ofsted's repeated warnings and a court order the school has been ignoring for a year and a half, the country's Department for Education appears reluctant to do a single fucking thing about it. But it's not all bad news out of the UK this week. I mean, it's mostly bad news. Don't get me wrong here. But I was able to find this shiny nugget amongst the turds. For the first time in the nation's history, someone was actually found guilty of FGM. The guilty party who wasn't identified in the report was a Uganda born woman who tried to claim that her three-year-old daughter had just

somehow managed to fall clit first on a piece of metal. But the judge wasn't buying it because she's not a villain from a cartoon, and she warned the mother of a lengthy prison sentence to come. So yeah, what I bring in terms of good news is that women in Pakistan can ride bikes if they don't mind being called whores for it. And in the UK, there's at least some chance a person will be held legally responsible if they hack at a baby girl's genitals with a knife. Lovely. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some bad habits to take up, so I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in baby back ribs news tonight, show favorite and man voted most likely to fail in his attempt to hang himself with his own feces, Coach Dave Dobbenmeier. He's also the most likely to succeed, but that's just to be clear. Yes, in that category alone with me. Anyways, he took to the Internet this week to warn listeners that food companies are using aborted fetus tissue in flavor. Okay, well, I mean, look, I know that this is obviously bullshit, but at least we could put them in dog food or something. Right?

That's a better use of them than Texas is making. Got to do something with that shit. It's protein. It's so weird. Alpo keeps buying land in the backyard planned parenthood in our state. Now we have these super intelligent dog people

live like 500 years. I don't know what's happening. I feel like we should bomb an animal shelter. You want to bomb some puppies? Let's bomb some puppies. That's what we need to do.

Yeah. Publishing on that bastion of fair and balanced news, barbedwire.com, Dave's article titled, Are We Eating Our Children? Posits that fetal tissue is being used in food supplements, additives, sweeteners, and other things that human beings ingest. Planned Parenthood should start selling like fetus shaped Flintstone vitamins. Just the fuck with Christian people. Just put it out there.

Oh, he continues, quote, I often hear the refrain from pro cannibalists. How does my abortion affect you? Catholics? It is. Yep. I don't know, man. It is none of your business what I do with my body. Except it does affect me when I swallow little

Susie's DNA in a soft drink. Oh, okay. Well, people are going to jerk off in your drinks no matter what, Dave. No abortion law is going to change. There's always going to be DNA in your soft drink. And Susie's going to menstruate in your drink, too. Well, that, too, or spit or something.

But, there's more. See, Dave has an idea that there might be some side effects to putting the babies in the latex. Saying, quote, you are what you eat! Two exclamation points. Remember that phrase? I wonder what we become when we eat the DNA of another human being. Could that explain the big butted women I see when I go to Walmart? Did you really say?

Okay, I'm sorry, but like the whole you are what you eat thing is a bit of a pro cannibalism slogan. What the hell does it have to do with large butted women at Walmart? Fat bottom fetuses make the rockin' world go meatuses. Yeah, so it's pretty obvious We need to put 10 seconds on a clock Name for the aborted baby Flavored sweetener, go Sugar in the, oh

Okay, if you could get one That was just African American babies How about the separate but equal Damn Eatin' Low Okay, if you could get one that was just African-American babies, how about the separate but equal? Damn Eaton Lowe. What about Plan B pollen? Peekaboovia. All right, that was more than 10 seconds.

Yep, Truvia. Gotcha. Watch a TV. And finally tonight, it is Black History Month. And apparently Christian people didn't want to be rude. So they spent the end of January squeezing in all the blackface themed headlines at the last minute that they could. Well, at least Covington Catholic was classy enough to do that. And so were those kids at the University of Oklahoma Who made a blackface video

That's now gone viral But unfortunately Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Wasn't quite as culturally sensitive As those people And the same goes for a teacher At a Christian school in California Who dressed up as an African woman

And wore full on blackface For a history lesson About the colonization of Africa. She's in now? Yep. She did this during January of 2019, but not early enough for the headline to drop until February 1st. So not classy is what I'm saying. You got to fit that in first.

Guys, guys, this was all the way back in January. We have to let people grow and change. It's a different world now. Hashtag free Liam. I mean, her heart could have been in the right place though, right? Like, so for today's a lesson on African colonialism, I've dressed up as racism. It makes sense, right? For tomorrow's lesson on the Holocaust, she dresses with a, like a rat with a yarmulke. I get it. I get where she's going. I like it. I learned about all these stories I'm talking about when I was looking for a link to this story about this Christian school. And when I searched blackface news,

Google was like, yeah, you're going to need to be way more specific, bro. Way more specific so after adding about eight extra search terms one at a time i finally got the article i was looking for to show up on the first page and here's the basic story this particular blackface incident happened at one of the locations for the victory christian school system an evangelical private school network in Carmichael, California. And according to their superintendent, John Huffman, quote, Last Thursday, our elementary chapel speaker

dressed up as a Central African native woman in order to tell the life story of missionary David Livingston. Sick. It's Livingstone. In an effort to bring authenticity to her role, she wore a typical native dress and headdress. She also used makeup to darken her skin tone on her arms, shoulders, and face. End quote. I feel like you're presuming on that pronunciation. She thought the best way to tell the story of a white guy whose life work was to save black people was to dress in black faith.

There's so many layers of wrong. She may end up right. But could she moonwalk? I feel like that's the detail they're leaving out here. Where's the media when you need them? Yeah, I'm just I'm so curious what's going through the mind of this teacher and superintendent before this lesson happened. Wind! They're thinking to themselves like, all right, should we do the blackface or not?

Tough call. Hmm. Without the blackface, it might be confusing. Kids are going to be like, wait, who's this white lady in an African head wrap and a Hobby Lobby black person costume? Did we colonize white people in africa that's fucked up like and now i think about it yes that might have been what they thought probably yeah they might have been confused about which group of savages were saved by david livingstone on his missionary trips see and she's up there see white missionaries be saving people here's the rest of the explanation from superintendent huffman well he needed more

i will at least he knew he needed more he was aware he should keep talking but he didn't know that quote i was wrong to allow the use of makeup no matter how innocent the intentions. Were they? As it's offended some of my students and parents. End quote. It's offended some of those people. Yes. Some of them were offended by the blackface.

Now, of course, we are no strangers to this type of controversy here at The Scathing Atheist. Now, of course, we are no strangers to this type of controversy here at The Scathing Atheist. And since it's probably going to come out on some obscure Republican news site soon anyway, we might as well offer it up now. Morgan, can you cue that tape, please? Dude, get under the blanket. Come on. It's hot under here. You guys are overreacting.

We are not. Noah, we didn't have an appointment today, did we? No, we didn't, but it's kind of an emergency, bro. Hi, Andrew. Oh, Jesus Christ. Get inside. Get inside. Did anyone see you?

I stopped and said hi to Tony. Fantastic. He's cool. I stopped and said hi to Tony. Fantastic. So, should I even ask why you came to my office in blackface? Okay, for the last time, it's not blackface. That's why we're here. We're sorry, Andrew, but apparently he did this with permanent marker.

Yeah, we scrubbed him for a while. We did. It's true. For a while they did it's true a while yeah uh of course but look yeah you still haven't explained why you did this it's for our virginia beach show we're gonna do a virginia beach show later in the year in virginia i'm i'm governor northam yeah yeah i get it. Which we explained people wouldn't understand because he won't have been governor for months

by then. Yeah, for a while. We explained that for a while. But then what I explained also was that I'm not in blackface because he is a white guy. No. Eli, look, I understand Governor Northam is white,

but Governor Northam is also about to resign probably before we record this sketch. And he will no longer be Governor of Virginia. He will no longer be in public life.

He may no longer be allowed to go out in public for forever for wearing that outfit. So... So... there's never been a better time to lampoon him. Not the point.

Tell you what, Eli. If you don't wear blackface to the show, you can pick dinner on the first night. You don't mean. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I do. I do.

Tofu Town? Yes. Yes. We'll all do. Tofu Town? Yes. Yes. We'll all go to Tofu Town. Absolutely. Andrew does not speak for the entire group. We're not. No.

We will all go to Tofu Town. This is under protest. Even Cecil? Oh, even. Not even Cecil. Okay. I'll be in the car making the reservation. Hello.

Hi, Michelle? Reservation for six, please. I know! Yes! No, you're crying. You are crying. Good save, Andrew. Yeah.

Thanks for that. I'm not the one who has to go to Tofu Town. Yeah. So, can we just re-vote on the blackface one? No! No! No! No!

No! No! Boo. Can we just re-vote on the blackface one? No, no, no, no, no. Boo. And I've got an inbox full of calls for Eli's resignation to deal with now, so I suppose we'll close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Moses will start wishing he'd asked Pharaoh for a receipt. Hey there, listeners.

If you've been listening to the last few shows, you know that we're bringing Godawful movies live to Denver, Colorado on March 9th, and that our Platinum Night is March 8th, which includes dinner, drinks, a swag bag, as well as a riff-track-style viewing of what many consider to be among the first Godawful reefer madness but what you may not know is that just three days before platinum night is my birthday and i'm not saying that you not buying tickets to platinum night is you missing my birthday party i'm just saying you're invited to my birthday party and you can come to it if you

want or you can come the next night either way the show March 9th, and I sure would love to see you at my birthday party. But if you can't make it, it's no big deal. All I've ever done for you is given you a few years of free podcasts through thick and thin. Never missing a day or coming out with one late. Never taking a vacation or anything. But if you get busy, I understand. It's just my birthday. They happen every year. Link in the show notes. Fantastic. So that's what it's like to be Jewish, huh? Yeah, but you do that like all the time.

Because of the sporadic familiarity we all have with the stories in the book of Exodus, that book has a weird feeling of familiarity even the first time you read it. Except that it also has really fucked up parts that the sanitized retellings tend to obscure. So it's kind of like going back to watch a movie you loved as a kid, discovering not only was it actually horrible, but it was also peppered with excerpts from German shit porn, which you'll learn all about in today's installment of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. At last, my people are free from the slavers of Egypt.

No more shall we suffer under their slavery and subornment. Okay, but what are we going to do now? Wander in the desert. For how long? Forty years. Seriously? Yeah, well,

you'd set aside that before you asked God to free you, wouldn't you? Have... Yeah, well, you'd set aside that before you asked God to free you, wouldn't you? Have, hmm? Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur. Jews, Jews, why do you murmur so? We have no water. You let us from Israel, only let us die of thirst.

This is crazy. Do not worry, I shall go speak to the Lord. Uh, Time out, guys. I think we messed this up. This sounds like last week's script. No, no, no. This is the second time the Jews murmur. The last time it was about food. Oh!

Oh! Okay. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. I forgive you, Don. I forgive you. Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure. Did you hear me? I said I forgive you, Don. I forgive you. Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure. Did you hear me? I said I forgive you. Um, you wanted to see me, sir?

Oh, there you are, Sarah. Did you deliver that message to Moses about smashing Barack to get the water? Um, smashing Barack? Yeah, I told you to tell him to go find Barak and smash him with a stick, and then they can all drink what comes out. You told him about that? Uh, sure, yep. That is what I told him, yep. Uh, Sarah, you sure? You got that look you get when you're lying. Do you mean my face? Yes, yes I do. Fair.

Then came Amalek and fought with Israel and Rephidim. Oh my God, this book is so long. Who's Amalek? I don't know. He's the grandson of Esau. Oh, Esau. That's the one I did as Elmer. Which has a totally copyright

free voice. Yeah, that one that you did. Cool, cool. Right, that voice. Don, you got something copyright-free for us? Oh, yeah. Stand back and watch the magic, boys. Hi-oh, it's me, Amalek, head of the Amaleks here.

We're going to get so fucking sued. Moses, Moses, listen to me. Yes, God? As long as you keep your hands up, your people shall be victorious. Really? Yes. Wait, like, like physically? You're not speaking in a metaphor here?

Wait, like, like physically? You're not speaking in a metaphor here? No, no, I mean that literally as long as you keep your hands in the air, the Jews are going to win the battle. Huh. Like this? That's the ticket. Hit!

Uh, Moses, kind of in a battle here. Oh, shit, sorry. Hit battle here. Oh, sorry. Oops, got an itch. Uh, Moses, Moses! Sorry, sorry, sorry. And Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. board. Killed a Muppet in a sketch about the Old Testament. Three points. Suck it. Oh, damn it. Put it on the board. Fine. That's three. Yep. Moses, write this for a memorial in a book and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua, for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Okay, I'm sorry, wait. You want me to put in this book that nobody will

ever remember Amalek? Uh, yes. The book that will then serve as the foundation for our spiritual movement? Yeah. Oh, oh, and build an altar here that says, I will always hate Amalek from generation to generation. Like, I hate that guy forever. So you want me to write in your book that no one will remember Amalek and then build a statue

to how much you hate Amalek? Yeah, call it Jehovah Nisi. Okay, but that literally translates to Godland. Yes. This is all in the book. It is. This is almost verbatim. Hi, Moses. It's me, your father, Jethro. Wait, wasn't your name Reul?

I mean, back in Chapter 2, it was. But I'm Jethro now. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-doggy! Brought you your wife and her two sons. Wait, where was C? Uh, it really isn't clear. Anyway, here you go. Thanks, I guess.

He stole my wheat. Well, she stole my cow. Okay, listen. You both shall learn that mankind... Hey there, son-in-law. What you up to? Hey, Jethro. Oh, come on.

You can call me Pappy. Okay, Pappy. I'm serving as the judge for my people. Anyway, so you sell... You're serving for Judge Obire Lonesome? No, son, you got to get some help. Some help? I can speak directly to God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But delegation is regulation, right? Now you pick some judges and let them boys do all the little shit. What does that even... But I can speak directly to God. Okay, so don't pick anyone in a wheelchair. You'd be fine. This is also in the book, isn't it?

Yes, sir. It is. And Moses chose able men out of all Israel and made them heads over the people, rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. And they judged the people at all seasons. In those shoes, girl? I don't think so. Reaching? No, no point for that. What? Totally not reaching. Put it on the board. Judging. They said judging.

Guys, do you, do you know that people listen to your podcast who aren't you? I don't think they do. Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. I don't think they do. I'm fake. Oh,

okay, everybody. Here we are at last. Mount Sinai. It is here that we shall make our covenant so that we may be the chosen people. Okay, so God, God is going to cover the mountain in smoke

and speak to all of you. All of us? Yep, he is. But first, you have to promise to do whatever God says. All of us? Yeah, together. We promise to do whatever God says.

Voice of fantasy and adventure. Okay, everyone go home and wash up. You want to look nice for God when he comes down. Okay. Also, nobody touch Everyone go home and wasp up You want to look nice for God when he comes down Okay Oh also Nobody touch the mountain Wait what? Why?

Just nobody touch the mountain Or God will kill you okay Okay Oh and one more thing Nobody fuck your wife Did you say I'm sorry did you say don't fuck our wives yeah god doesn't want anyone with a sticky dick throwing up all right well no problem this is in the book by the way it is yeah and it came to pass on the third day in the morning that

there were thunders and lightnings and a thick cloud upon the mount and the voice of the trumpet exceedingly loud so that all the people that was in the camp trembled okay everybody quick change of plans i'm just gonna go up and talk to god myself and i'll tell you what he says you stay here okay wait sorry what you said we were gonna talk to god yeah well it turns out that if you look at him, you die. So it'll have to be... So you're going to die? No. No, I'm just not going to look.

Wait, you mean like in Bird Box? No, not like in Bird Box. Oh, it sounds like Bird Box. Not everything that's not looking at stuff is Bird Box. You guys stay here. He's absolutely talking about bird box. It's absolutely bird box. It's a waste of fantasy and adventure.

Okay, God, hit me with some of them commandments. Oh, okay, wow. Big ask. Foundation of all Western morality. Here we go. There is. Okay. First.

First. First commandment, number one. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Wait, I'm sorry. Are there other gods? Seriously? I just started and you're already interrupting. No, I'm sorry.

It's just that if this is going to be the ultimate list of morality, do you really want to start it off by acknowledging other gods? Okay, I'm not actually acknowledging other gods. I'm just saying, don't have any other gods before me. So there are other gods, though. I didn't say

that. I did not say that. So why don't you just say there are no other gods except me? Okay, because that to me sounds suspicious like like protesting too much like plus people already worship a bunch of other gods okay all right no other gods before me got it that's number one i'm off i'm in my head i'm off my groove i feel sorry sorry it's okay all right i i wrote stuff down um Number two, you're going to like this one. Don't draw any pictures.

Seriously? Let me finish. That was not the end. Don't draw any pictures to worship those pictures. You want number two on your list of all the things you should and shouldn't do to be don't worship the pictures you draw? Yes. Okay, but the way that phrase seems kind of confusing.

You sure you want to set that precedent? I mean, what could go wrong, Moses? Okay, next. Next. Um, name? Jimmy. Jimmy Benson. Okay. Jimmy Benson. Got it. Uh, I see you died of leukemia, but when you were alive, you started a charity that gives baseball gloves to kids who need them. Um, that's pretty good. Is that right? Do I have that right?

Yes, sir. Absolutely right. Right. But you also drew, like, a lot of pictures. Like, a bunch. Specifically of dinosaurs. I did? Yep.

You did. It says right here. So, commandment number two, kid. I mean, that's a rule. Dine and go to hell. I love dinosaurs. You deserve that. I mean, if you want to make an omelet, am I right?

Okay, it's just, you know, you're going to seem like a jealous god who hates people who hate him and only loves people who love him, so. Oh. My. Me. Write that down. I'm sorry, write what down? That. Exactly that. What you just said.

Seriously? Absolutely. 100% serious. Word for word. In the book. Okay. Number three. We're on a roll.

Okay, please make it something that isn't about you. Don't just throw my name out there. Damn it. Like, mention me at a party if we know people, sure. But don't be like, my friend God. You don't know me. We're not friends. You know, I hate that.

And then I have to meet someone who's like, oh, I met your friend Jeff the other day. And then I got to be like, who the fuck is Jeff? Like, my friend Jeff? What am I, nine? I have friends now? No, I got it. I got to be like, who the fuck is Jeff? Like my friend, Jeff? What am I, nine? I have friends now? No, I got it. I got it, God.

No taking your name in vain. Okay. Also, no working on the Sabbath. That was the day I needed off. So everyone gets it off. Everyone. Animals. Animals?

Working men. Just call it executive time on the sheet. Okay, executive time on the Sabbath. Got it. All right. Well, Sabbath. Maybe let Aaron deliver that one. All right, next.

Here we go. Honor thy mother and father. Like specifically them? Yeah, yes. Okay, you sure you don't want to make that like honor the people that you love? Oh my god, Jesus Christ, are we at a yoga retreat?

I said honor thy mother and father, star child. Write it. Mother and father, got it. Okay. You know what? I got one you're gonna like, Moses. Thou shalt not kill. What? I'm sorry,

this book is filled with so much killing. Like, we just killed a bunch of people and then built a statue about killing more of them. We did. Okay, well, I'll tell you what. No killing starting now. Okay. Uh, let's see.

Uh, thou shalt not commit adultery. That's a pretty obvious one. Hello, everyone. It's me, Polyguy. Go away, Polyguy. You're going to get us a bunch of emails. Boo. Who is that?

He's a running joke thing. You guys know new people listen to this podcast, right? You're telling me. Okay, three more. Let's go with no stealing. Super. That's a good one. No bearing false witness against your neighbor.

Those are good. And finally, this is important, big last one, don't covet your neighbor's stuff. I'm sorry, what? Don't want your neighbor's stuff. End of list. Don't want your neighbor's stuff? End of list. Don't want your neighbor's stuff? That's the end of the list? You haven't put rape on here yet and you want to make it clear that people

shouldn't get jealous about somebody else's car or something? Yeah, because it's mine. It's my stuff. Get your own stuff. Well, alright, well at least it can't get any worse. Or can it? You have a crazy long list of ever more barbaric commandments still, don't you?

I do, and I do not differentiate them from these ten, as many people pretend I do. Sit, snacks! And with just how much you have to pay for raping someone's daughter waiting tantalizingly in the wings, we're going to break for Andrew to do a trading trading montage but we'll be back soon with more bible peace theater before we retreat to higher ground this week i want to remind you one more time to come see us in denver it's gonna be a hell of a show links to buy tickets are in the show notes just where you wanted them. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. I need to thank Heath Enright for never giving me up, Eli Bosning for never letting me down,

Lucinda Lusions for never running around and hurting me, and all the people who don't listen closely enough to the outro to know when I'm recycling material. I also want to thank Andrew Torres from the Opening Arguments podcast for helping out with the skit today, and of course Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for helping out with Biopeace Theatre and providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you're in need of voice work, check the show notes

for how to get in touch with Don. He comes highly recommended. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most masterful mammals, Linnaeus, Karen, Jim, Alicia, Trina, Christopher, Eric, Zachary, Andrew, and Jonathan. Linneus, Karen, Jim, and Alicia, who have enough gravitas to assist deep space probes, Trina, Christopher, and Eric, whose IQs are high enough to keep those probes company, and Zachary, Andrew, and Jonathan, whose cocks are the ones that the coldest super deep borehole dreams of at night. Together, these ten tendentious targetters of the tenacious transgressions of the tabernacle took the time to tithe to the truth this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the crisp logic circuits it takes to give

us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash skatingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but all your money's tied up in paying rich people's taxes, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, or liking our Facebook page.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. And if you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. I don't mind saying that was the best Kermit death in the history of podcasting, Don. Thank you. Thank you. I was like, the Kermit Wilhelm scream, that's going to be iconic forever. Fuck yeah!