The Scathing Atheist - 314: Pi Edition

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

In this week’s episode, Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance podcast will warm your winter with some roasting, the Catholic Church uses deadbeat dads as a diversion, and Ex-Mormons will masturbate as often as they damn well please. Come see us in Denver! https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called Guest Link: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: http://dissonancepod.com/ Headlines: Christian-Owned Tax Service in Indiana Won’t File Lesbian Couple’s Joint Return https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/18/christian-owned-tax-service-in-indiana-wont-file-lesbian-couples-joint-return/ Some Ex-Mormons Used Facebook Ads to Tell Believers the Truth About the Church: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/11/some-ex-mormons-used-facebook-ads-to-tell-believers-the-truth-about-the-church/ This U.K. Teen Who Joined ISIS Wants To Return. Why Should She Be Allowed Back?: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/15/this-u-k-teen-who-joined-isis-wants-to-return-why-should-she-be-allowed-back/ WY GOP Lawmaker: I Support the Death Penalty Since That’s How Jesus Was Executed: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/15/wy-gop-lawmaker-i-support-the-death-penalty-since-thats-how-jesus-was-executed/ This Week in Misogyny: One step closer to back alley abortions thanks to the SCOTUS: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/19/supreme-court-wont-hear-case-involving-catholic-church-and-texas-abortion-law/ Church of Norway apologizes for anti-abortion stance: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/18/the-church-of-norway-just-apologized-for-its-inconsiderate-anti-abortion-stance/ Old purity rings turned into golden vagina: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/02/19/at-long-last-these-old-purity-rings-were-turned-into-a-golden-vagina/

Warning, even our profanity warning has profanity in the motherfucker. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. And by the new fertility drink at Starbucks, Immaculate Conception. It's coffee that gets you pregnant, because coffee is better than dicks. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, friends. It's me, your favorite medical professional, Dr. Zoidberg. So, we've gotten your test results back, and it is in my highly trained medical opinion,

with 100% certainty, that you have indeed evolved from filthy monkey men, why not? We already knew that, Zoidberg. Get out of the recording booth! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, It's Thursday. It's February 21st. And it's card reading day. Still for diamonds. I don't get it.

I don't understand this. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Ian Ziering's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Tom and Cecil will warm your winter with some roasting. The Catholic Church uses deadbeat dads as a diversion. And ex-Mormons will masturbate as often as they damn well please.

But first, the diatribe. As we made our way through Lee Strobel's Case for Christ, the question I was most often asked was, what the hell is the point of all this? Now, granted, the majority of times I got that question, it was from Lucinda, but a few of you reached out to echo her skepticism. I mean, the arguments in Strobel's books are too poorly formed to really refute. He's dumbing down everything to a third grade reading level. And despite his claims, he isn't really writing for a skeptical audience. In a way, using Lee Strobel's book as a bludgeon against Christianity is like debunking the old lady who swallowed the fly as an argument against veganism. Of course, it's pretty easy to defend ourselves against that charge. What with Case for Christ being as near as I can tell the best selling apologetics book in the history of print, unless you count the Bible.

You know, I mean, sure, you can find more sophisticated versions of his arguments and more sophisticated arguments altogether elsewhere, but Strobel's book is a much better representation of what the average atheist is going to counter day to day than one of those more academic theologians would provide. So whether or not it's a good representation of their arguments, breaking it down has value to the listener. And I feel like maybe those answers were so easy that I didn't really wrestle with the question enough. I mean, you know, those are pretty good answers.

But if I'm being perfectly honest, they both failed to answer the what's the point question in full. I mean, sure, the book sold a lot of copies, but we're only a couple alternative timelines away from a world with an atheist case for Christ. Right. I mean, we've all seen some corners of atheism devolve into tripe that we wouldn't want to be associated with. You know, some YouTuber or podcast or blogger that started off making really rational arguments and then devolved into bullshit. And it's not hard to imagine that some atheists like that, you know, someone to whom I'm diametrically opposed on every significant issue except the existence of God, comes out with this terrible book that makes the case for atheism with a bunch of poorly sourced mythicism and a chart of all the ways that Jesus is like Osiris. And in this stupid fucking world, I have no trouble imagining something like that rising to the top of the all time atheist bestseller list. Right. So the fact that it's a bestseller matters, but it's not sufficient. Right. So the fact that it's a bestseller matters, but it's not sufficient.

It matters because a lot of people are walking around armed with these shitty arguments and knowing about them in advance is helpful. But debunking every sentence in the book wouldn't get us any closer to actually disproving the existence of a God or the validity of Christianity, especially when, by my own admission, there are more compelling and convincing apologetic books on the market. there are more compelling and convincing apologetic books on the market i mean if we had to defend the intellectual integrity of things based on what sold the most we'd have a hard time defending writing itself of course to be fair to us our goal on this show has never been to disprove the existence of god or the validity of christianity that's all in the preface right our goal is to entertain people who already did that shit on their own and sure we want to inform you a bit on the way we want to arm you with some good arguments for the apologetics you're going to hear. But our first, second and third goals are all about making you laugh, building community and promoting activism. Nothing about debunking Christianity would even make the top 10 list.

So when I ask what's the point of reading the case for Christ, I'm not asking what the point was in terms of the show. You people like it when we suffer, so we suffer for you. And we get it. You know what? We're lucky. People on the other side demand a motherfucker gets crucified before they've suffered enough for him. Atheists just made us read shitty books. I'm certainly not complaining.

But after spending a year and two months on this banal drivel, I have to find a point, like, for myself. Right? Like, what did I personally get from it? Couldn't we have just listen to crappy christian songs with seth and write up on different kinds of bullshit instead so after we closed the book and burned it and scattered the ashes but not all in the same place in case one of those theoretical evolution tornadoes came through i spent a lot of time desperately searching for an answer to that question desperately seeking some overarching lesson that might like help assuage the knowledge that i don't get bonus years at the end of my life because i spent

time doing that and i finally came up with an answer see lee's arguments are really shitty laughably silly literally like you know we had to dress them up in dick jokes and stuff because they were boring more often than they were laughable but even before before Lucinda Heath and Eli got to work on their notes, I would already laugh aloud when I realized what stupid ass argument he was presenting next. There were dozens of times throughout this whole thing when we decided against using jokes because just presenting the argument verbatim was the funniest way to do it. And yet, despite all that, people bought the shit out of it. They found it convincing.

despite all that people bought the shit out of it they found it convincing you need to devote precisely one brain cell for precisely one plank time to completely destroy any argument he presents in the book you could almost make a fun challenge out of trying to rephrase any of his arguments without making them self-contradictory and that is convincing so convincing that when heath's cousin heard that he was an atheist he non-ironically sent him a copy of The Case for Christ with a letter about how Christian this book would make him, despite the fact that Heath's cousin had read this stupid fucking book. And that's the lesson, right? Most atheists got here by way of reason. We thought our way into this. And along the way, most of us kind of hoped that we'd turn out to be wrong. And along the way, most of us kind of hope that we turn out to be wrong. Very few people dive into the spiritual literature thinking, boy, I sure hope logic forces me to conclude that my life ends in eternal unthinking darkness. And yet we got there anyway because that's where all the facts keep steering us.

But that creates this weird self-selection bias that creeps into atheist thinking as soon as you get a bunch of us together. We're convinced by good arguments. So we have a habit of honing ever better arguments and rebuttals to all the dumb shit that religious people are still trying to sell. And yet our logically sound impeccable arguments get rejected in favor of Lee Strobel's argument from Christians believed in Jesus right away. You know, I'm not saying there's no value in crafting good arguments, of course. After all, if they never worked, none of us would be here. As far as I know, it's still the most effective bait we've come across. They never worked. None of us would be here. As far as I know, it's still the most effective bait we've come across.

But sometimes it can be super fucking frustrating when we see how flimsy the arguments on the other side are. We can question the point of it all when we see our carefully crafted symphony getting trounced in the public forum by a hastily written advertising jingle. Because in our minds, this is a battle of ideas. But in the minds of so many others, it's a battle of feelings. And God feels better than not god and sure knowing this doesn't cause us to change our tactics at all and it doesn't make it any less frustrating we're still in a national debate where we're three percent of the population but we've got to do 70 of the thinking but frustrating or no the alternative is that most of the thinking just never gets done.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the stars of Two Guys, One Beanbag Chair, Heath Enright and Eli Posnick. Fellas, got a vulgarity charity to open up with. Sawyer would like himself and his wife roasted, but he'd like Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Melania Trump to do the honors. Oh, okay, okay. You look like the people I hunt for roughage

outside of vegan restaurants when I'm irregular. Oh my God, baby, you look great. Well, not great. You look like the tourist my village sacrifices to Baba Yaga. But like you put up a real fight, you know? A real fight. You're almost mighty. In our lead story tonight,

gays, lesbians, trans people, bisexuals, Muslims, Hispanics, immigrants, and people whiter than Heath remain second-class citizens in the U.S. That's something to remind yourself of every day between now and your preferred Democratic candidate losing the primary. And as if to provide an object lesson this week, an accountant in Indiana just refused to file the taxes of a newly married couple based explicitly and solely on the fact that they were lesbians. And she did it legally.

I know, right? At least the people in the 50s got to do the Charleston. It's like a home. Yeah, this is a slippery slope. Pretty soon those swastika cake Nazis are going to make Jewish CPAs take their money. Take their fucking money. Yeah. So Nancy Fivecoat is a bigot that bigots out of Rushaville, Indiana, where she works for

a homophobic accounting service called Carter Tax Service that is desperately deleting its online presence so that the customers don't find out what a bigot she is. And for years, she prepared the tax returns for one Bailey Brazel. But when Bailey came in this year with a change in marital status, Five Goat turned down her business based on her marriage's lack of an appropriate number of penises. She justified her actions by explaining that she was Christian, so her bigotry doesn't count. It doesn't count, right. Yeah, lady, if you have to disconnect your phone

because so many people call to tell you what a piece of shit you are, you know your bigotry counts. You know. Well, not in a court of law, but yeah. In a real testament to the extent to which Christians don't fucking get it, all of her defenses to the local paper

in the wake of this story were about how politely she refused them service. Good, good. Yeah. As though fucking Rosa Parks' issue was with the dude's tone. I said N-word please. I said please. That's a magic word.

N-word please. What's this lady's problem? Yeah. Come on. She explained that she was very respectful when she told them to go get their filthy lesbian taxes filed somewhere else and she even managed to throw shade with her excuse when she said quote the lgbt want respect for their beliefs which i give them okay yeah they do want that also they want their fucking taxes filed in this

particular instance kind of more of the point here. But anyway, continuing, quote, I did not say anything about their lifestyle. That's their choice. It's not my choice. Where is their respect for my beliefs? End quote. Lean in close. I'll show you where the respect is.

So, yeah, as you take that in, keep in mind that the thing that Bailey and Samantha Brazel were doing that was disrespectful to Five Coats Beliefs was existing. Yeah. I mean, if one needs evidence of lesbians, my search history would blow Lee Strobel's mind. I'm just saying, we're comparing beliefs here. Actually, Brazel's is a great site. Of course. Make some money on that. Because there is no federal law protecting members of the LGBT community from discrimination,

and because the vast majority of the U.S. offers up no state or municipal protections to correct that, the Brazzles have no legal recourse. Well, I mean, they could stop fucking for a fiscal year. I mean, plenty of us are responsible. We take it seriously. It's taxes. You got to do it. That's why.

That's the reason. I'm serious about my taxes. I'm an American. I'm a good citizen. Economic conservative. Thank you. So their only real hope, beyond the hope that we have a ton of listeners in Russia-ville

looking for an accountant and crossing this bitch's name off the list, is that we can all find it in our hearts to support the Democratic nominee, whoever that may be, even if she did shop at a corporate-owned store once. Or is Hitler. Right, yes.

Don't care. Pull the lever on the left. please with sugar on top if you are ignorant enough to think withholding your vote matters literally i'm asking you to pretend the democratic candidate believes what you want them to i'll call your house i'll do an impersonation of the candidate and promise you a hojo i will send you stamps democracy is a terrible system we need a benevolent king it's obvious but until we get one i will do whatever i can to net us a positive result you just say the word i'm hey it's me bernie sanders boy do i want you to vote for camilla whatever you need me to do just give me a phone number tweet it at me yeah but withholding your vote does matter just to be clear oh yeah no it does it matters just in the other way it gets it's me

elizabeth warren i want you to vote for bernie see i'll do them all i got them all set anyone you want and in clickbait news tonight ex-mormons added a new tool to their arsenal recently, which, you know, seems unnecessary because their current arsenal contains you can jerk off and be gay. But that new tool is targeted Facebook advertisement. Yeah. To be clear, you can jerk anybody off, right? I mean, you need their permission.

It's not like a baptism, baptism but still why swath of people who always say yes to that one yeah pretty great so in november of 2017 3 000 mormons saw an ad that appeared to be from the mormon church itself however the title was a little bit different than what they were used to the post titled quote why did jose Joseph marry a 14-year-old girl? End quote. Led 1,000 practicing Mormons to click to a page deep, deep within the Mormon church's real website, which explained the revelation on plural marriage. Now, for those unfamiliar, the Revy on the plural match, as it's known in Mormon circles, is the time God told Joseph Smith he knew he didn't want to because he loved being monogamous so much.

Look how wide my eyes are. But he had to start a harem of 14 year old girls. So so he did. And so did a bunch of other Mormons until the church leaders banned polygamy, air quotes included, in 1904. Yes. Yeah. But only after it became clear that the Mexicans weren't whitening up according to schedule yeah you gotta love when prima nocta

backfires because your stupid fucking tribe is impossibly recessive all right new plan you fuck the bride but then it's not work you gotta fuck the daughter at like 12 years after that then You fuck the bride, but then it's not working. You got to fuck the daughter like 12 years after that. Then you fuck the granddaughter after that. Because of the Revy on the match we just talked about. This is God's plan. I'm not making this up. So the project, which is called Mormon Ads, claimed to have reached more than 5,000 practicing Mormons and has been controversial in the ex-Mormon community. Many have called it harassment and deceptive, and its anonymous founder was banned

from the ex-Mormon Reddit. However, one can't help but wonder in today's era of fake news and the Russians hacking your Aunt Kathy if the time hasn't come for us to hack right back. Either way, we won't be outdone, so we turned to some of our favorite creative outlets to see if we couldn't get in the game. Morgan, hit it. Hey guys, welcome back to T.O. Kyler 451 Plays Fortnite, with tonight's hottest tips and tricks. If you remember last episode, we went with the bounce, an essential piece of strategy, both in open territory and after you get your builds up, my dudes. But today, we're going to be talking about Mormons not letting black people into the church until 1978. Now, if you're finding junk like these vests or these low-impact shotguns,

you need to throw them away, much like the church did with records of black members long after 1978 to keep their churches segregated. You will not believe what Kanye West has to say about Justin Bieber this week. Kanye, Kanye, what do you think about Justin Bieber? Well, there's just a ton of historical acronyms in the Book of Mormon. What's that? And archaeologists never confirmed any of the claims made in it. I have a mental illness.

Yep. Hey, guys. Welcome to Kelsey Does Makeup. Today, we'll be putting on a foundational blush I got from Sephora. Much like female missionaries were allowed to put on pants for the first time this year. And while I breathe a sigh of relief that that skit was not about us surreptitiously jerking off mormons we'll take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor zip recruiter censored lulu lulu doing robot stuff robot stuff is my favorite stuff. Peace! You're back! What's that? Oh, this?

He is the Helper 5000. Say hi, Helper. Greetings are meaningless. Hmm. Okay. Doesn't seem to be that much help, I think you may be. Yeah, no, I know. But what am I going to do about

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ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing, huh? That's right. Just go to the website. I want to feel. Okay, let's go throw some water on the robot. Yeah, we're going to throw water. Why do people like the Kardashians? We don't know either, buddy. We don't know either. No idea.

We'll be back in a second. I'm going to f*** you now. No idea. We'll be back in a second. I'm going to f*** you now. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. You know, it's way too easy for me to get focused in on the bad stuff here. Like, it would be really easy for me to spend this entire segment, or even this entire episode, complaining about the way that reproductive rights are being chipped away through both the actions and inactions of the Supreme Court. I could talk about their recent decision not to hear a case out of Texas

where the lower court's ruling clearly violated Supreme Court precedent to side with the Christian zealots and point to the rank hypocrisy of Susan Collins. Kavanaugh seemed super sincere and didn't try to rape me for the entire meeting bullshit, but that would just depress you and me both. So I went out of my way to distract from the bad with a couple of good news stories. I was hoping to give you three, but despite my desperate foraging, this is still Earth. So good news story number one comes to us out of Norway. Because like I said, I had to look really fucking hard. But the Church of Norway, the evangelical Lutheran church that earns thinnest kid at fat camp honors by being the biggest denomination in one of the world's least religious countries, actually took time out this week to apologize for the damage that their anti-abortion

stance has caused. Now, I should point out that as progressive as Norway is in terms of religion, they still have abortion laws that American Republicans would drool over. Abortions are only allowed in the first 12 weeks, and a panel of doctors has to approve it. There was even some noise last year about making the procedure even more restrictive, but that was met with fierce opposition and eventually slinked away in disgrace. But now the Church of Norway is chiming in with an effort to improve the situation. In reaction to moves by the government they deem a threat to women's rights, the church released a statement admitting that their rhetoric and even their opinions aren't helping.

They went on to apologize for their historic role in inhibiting the rights of women and committed that, quote, as a church, we must change our way of talking about abortion and how we care for people who are affected. Adding, quote, a society with legal access to abortion is a better society than a society without such access. It prevents illegal abortions and promotes women's health, safety and security. End quote. prevents illegal abortions, and promotes women's health, safety, and security, end quote. So yeah, a lot more praising of a church than I'm used to doing going on here. And ultimately, as unexpected as this admission is, fessing up to the church being a historical bastion of misogyny is just

shy of admitting that some of the stuff OJ said didn't add up. But it's damn welcome. And they couldn't have picked a better time in the modern history of Norwegian politics. And hey, we had to go all the fucking way to Scandinavia to get it, but that's some pretty good news by TWIM standards. But the next one is even better. What could be better than a church actually fessing up to the fact that their anti-abortion rhetoric is dangerous and misinformed? How about a golden vagina? And what could be better than a golden vagina? How about a golden vagina made out of old purity rings? So yeah, in case you're not familiar, a purity ring is a mostly a Protestant tradition where young girls are given rings to represent their chastity. Usually while being told that a used vagina is like used bubble gum. It's this disgusting repressive tradition that teaches little girls to fear their sexuality even before they know what it is.

Which is why I'm thrilled to learn that 170 of them were melted down to make a sculpture of a giant silver vulva rising from a golden throne of flames. And it doesn't even matter to me that it's exactly as fuck ugly a statue as i just made it sound it's still a better life than the rings had before and on that note i'll make a hard ride out of good news and tell you that now i'm handing things back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in this ain't it isis news tonight. Ah, teenagers. Do you guys remember how you rebelled when you were 15? Classic shenanigans. Much like Shamima Begum, who at the age of 15 ran away to join ISIS.

Oh, okay. That would be the third dumbest thing I did as a 15-year-old at best. And we didn't even have the internet back then. Yes, Begum, who claims not to come from a particularly devout background along with her school friend flew to turkey where she then crossed into syria requesting to marry a quote english-speaking fight isis fighter between 20 and 25 years old and quote a weird side note she was eventually married to a 27 year old dutch man who had converted to islam and joined isis all white people sound the same to them i get it that's a tough one just like oh hello dutch man uh no no thank you no No, I'm going to wait for an Arab guy. Like, like we're at a barbershop

and you're the one barber with flipper hands. No, no, thank you. I see your chair is open. Nope, don't point at it. I don't see. I don't see. Anyway, the ISIS life seems not to have been all it's cracked up to be.

And Begum currently resides in a refugee camp in Northern Syria, but is hoping to come home. Well, did she get out of the marital escape room the Dutch guy locked her in? There are rules about these things, dammit. It's in the book. She must have. And look, this is the first interesting immigration question we've gotten in like four years, right?

Usually it's just like lying monsters pretending babies might be secret islamists but this girl literally ran away to join isis but she wants to come back to england it's like it's like those riddles they asked us in australia about whether or not deaf people should be allowed to have kids right but not not riddles uh also that wasn't even close to the question that you think is a riddle i wasn't paying a lot of attention gotta be honest and look i should point out that there are some assholes who hate brown people that have like made this story the center of the world because this 19 year old girl is brown and scary but so far the british government's take seems to be i mean look if you got a passport you can come back but your mother and i are not going to come pick you up so i don't know your sister's willing to walk the terrorist and feed the terrorist and pick up its shit every

day i guess that's fine but when we see shit on the floor we're putting her down now that said i do think this policy of expelling terrorists is a good one, especially if we started doing it here in the United States. And I have to wonder what that would be like. Would be like. Name? Richard Spencer. No one punched me good. Okay. Sorry, Mr.encer i just uh found out your passport has been declined actually declined what this is outrageous whatever could be the problem yeah it's part of the new u.s policy about repatriating terrorists you're gonna have to move to like uh france or something. You can't come here. What? I'd like to speak to your manager. Okay. Hey,

Rick. Rick. White terrorist guy wants to talk to you. Another one. Damn it. Alright. Hello, sir. How can I help you? Yes, there seems to be some mistake. You see, I am Richard Spencer. Hey, hey, hey, hey. No one punched. No one punched. I'm a United Richard Spencer. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why are you? No one punched.

No one punched. I'm a United States citizen. Well, yes, sir, you were. But due to the fact that all the extremist killing we have here in the U.S. generally links to right-wing extremism and the kind of racism that you promote, we've enacted this safety measure, you know, just until we figure this thing out. What? You can't do that. Yeah, we thought so too, but, you know, it turns out Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will just rubber stamp

anything evil that you put in front of them. Maybe try France. They love Nazis there, I guess. You can't do this to me. I'm white. This was never supposed to happen to white people. We know, sir. We know. Sorry, just real quick. That thing you do with W words is the fucking worst.

Sorry, the worst. I'm going to punch you in the face now. And finally tonight, the state of Wyoming is going to continue murdering people because of Christianity. Sorry, let me start over. Okay, but if we were like running short on time or something, that would have summed up this story, just to be clear.

Yeah. We run long this week. That's all they're going to hear. Here we go no i i got this starting over and finally tonight wyoming is a state let them be a state they get two goddamn senators not only do we let these people make their own laws for their stupid middle area we also let them send people who choose to live in wyoming to u.s congress and have input on national policy and they couldn't even manage to repeal a law in their

state that says we're allowed to kill people if we feel like it they're gonna stick with the killing yep uh fun fact the capital of Wyoming is Cheyenne. Um, nope. Also, why are you saying that right now? I didn't have a joke, but I felt like I should talk. I mean, maybe other people have jokes. Who are these people? Are you replacing me with Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure?

Oh, is that my cue? Ot nay, et yay, on day. So here's what happened in Wyoming last week. Despite the pro-life GOP majority in the state house in Wyoming, they passed a bill that would repeal the death penalty. And the Senate Judiciary Committee gave the bill unanimous approval. Probably because the death penalty is impossible to justify yeah and actually costs more money than giving all those people life in prison instead um also it's government murdering there's also that yeah but the state senate decided to ignore all that and the bill

got voted down 18 to 12 and here's the reasoning we got from GOP state senator Lynn Hutchings. Get ready to be pissed. Quote, the greatest man who ever lived died via the death penalty for you and me. I'm grateful to him for our future hope because of this. If it wasn't for Jesus dying via the death penalty,

we'd all have no hope end quote oh man there's a lot to unpack here okay does she think the reason we execute people is in case they're jesus that's what she has to mean also following on that does she think there's a legitimate danger of accidentally letting the next savior live? Because he's already dead, though. We could have stopped it right in one. Jesus gets acquitted. He's just like, come on.

No. All right. I stabbed you in the eye. Come on. I stabbed Pontius in the eye. Come on. Give it to me. Something.

Post-retirement Jesus hitting on chicks at the bar. You might not remember me. I was the savior for a little while. Cool. Did you get resurrected after being crucified? I think, you know, the things that you don't know is that life doesn't always work out the way you think. I got a podcast now, though. Sorry, is that John Dildo?

Go forward. So sad. You got to listen to him in the right order. That joke's going to kill it in like two weeks, guys. Tell me. Tell me when that happens for you. Okay. I'm going to save you a puck of corn.

Yeah. Okay. Savior Pugacore. Yeah. Okay. So back to this ridiculous justification for keeping the death penalty in Jesus's name. Let's think about it for a second. Jesus was not guilty of the crime he got executed for. Yes. According to the Bible.

Yes. According to the Bible. So if you're a Christian, the crucifixion is literally the greatest example from all of history about why we should not have the death penalty. But more importantly, why isn't Lynn Hutchings, who happens to be an African-American woman, why isn't she sponsoring a bill to legalize slavery? You know, just in case the next King Solomon needs to build a temple in jerusalem yeah gonna need the labor of some canaanites like lynn hutchings well why isn't she behind that bill why isn't she trying to legalize rape just in case god wants to impregnate another virgin while she's sleeping i'm just like be consistent so we can yell at you more okay and now that he's well on his way to never again assuming people in Wyoming will know you're being facetious, we'll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Jumanji. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here to make fun of your mom. You know the vulgarity for charity fundraiser went well when you start having trouble coming up with roasts. But you know it went phenomenally well when you start having trouble coming up with introductions for the roast segment. But that's where we are now. We radically underestimated your generosity back in November. And we're going to be digging our way out for a while yet. But to help speed this process along, we're joined once more by our partners in crime from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast.

Tom Cecil, welcome back, guys. Well, you know what they say. If you want something done fast, I'm your guy. That is not what they say. We move into the fourth month of vulgarity. Absolutely. All right. So we're going to get fourth month of vulgarity. Absolutely. All right. So we're going to get started with a threefer. Alex is a doctor and tabletop miniature enthusiast who donated 150 bucks to get a roast for himself and two of his coworkers.

So Heath, Cecil, Tom, you're up. All right. I'm going to go with Alex himself, who looks like he gets picked last for Warhammer. It's like a recessive gene came to life and stole a lab coat from somewhere, and now he's a doctor. If a person with brown hair sneezed on Alex, he would disappear.

Rachel, nice multicolored tutu there. There's definitely a pot above that rainbow I mean looking at this I wasn't entirely convinced that I wasn't looking at Saturn and it's rings and Jeremy actually wanted Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse roasted and so I went to his website and he's sponsoring and I'm not even kidding here guys the born alive abortion survivor oh go fuck yourself you fucking for real for real and i was as surprised as anyone

on how those words could even interact accidentally on the same page until i read a little further about senator ben sasse and realized that it's as much like his gene sequence and that it is both random and tragic. All right, and Eli, you and I can take Daniel's roast. He'd like a roast of his husband, Dan, and his bird, Pancake. Ugh, Pancake and Dan are the worst. They look like, you know, Pancake brings Dan everywhere, and then the second he gets in your house,

Dan just starts screaming and shitting on the wall telling you it's fine stop making sudden movements what an ugly fucking bird pancake looks like the mascot for the milk leftover when you're done with fruit loops right he's the kind of fucking lazy fuck of a bird that would tell you later that he totally meant to mention the bird box monster was there, but forgot. All right. So we're all warmed up, which means we can move on to a segment called With Friends Like These. Cecil, Paul would like a roast of his friend, Chris. Hey, Chris.

I see you're climbing an antenna of some sort, letting everyone know you're controlling transmission of all those STDs you have. Who am I kidding? You've never had sex. Come on. Nice haircut though. You look like Grandpa Munster after you got a hair transplant from Cousin It's Ball. Alright, Heath. Nathaniel donated a hundred bucks and would like his friend Tim roasted.

Alright. Tim looks like if Nick Frost fucked a disembodied set of bad teeth like worse than Nick Frost's teeth. Somehow he has too many and too few teeth at the same time. It's impressive actually. It's like an after picture

for a reverse orthodontist. It's like if Taffy was a person. Nathaniel really made it easy on you, didn he all right tom given our relationship i wouldn't feel right asking you to roast somebody's friend but mitch would like a roast of his frenemy now he didn't give us a name but he did send along a picture all right uh this is good if frenemies are interesting because uh what they really are are people that you don't really respect but you got kind of forced into congeniality with usually due to circumstances beyond your control so while i should be roasting mitch's fat-headed no-named frenemy i instead want

to offer these words of consolation to mitch you're not mitch just as your unnamed frenemy is here anonymous so too will he be forgotten. And not just by you once the kindness of circumstance separates you, but also by the world at large. You see, men like Fathead don't make a difference. They don't inspire anyone. They aren't the kind of people poetically recalled by throngs of mourners at their funerals. Instead, they are the ones that are buried without a headstone not because of poverty or spite but because their irrelevance to the world is so

perfect that upon their passing the very idea of memorializing them will seem silly and absurd and pointless and when he's gone your life everyone else's, will be neither richer nor poorer for having known old fathead. And you will have lost not a friend and not an enemy, but truly and magically nothing at all. If anyone ever wants to know what depression's like, it's I've got a Tom roast going on all the time. You want to know what it's like to be me? Just imagine a constant Tom roast. It would be so fun.

Eli takes pills to just block Tom from being in it. Just a big pillow standing in front. I can hear him, but he's just like in the back. I don't focus on him. If you just let him... So I should stop calling. No.

All right. Eli, if anybody can ruin a friendship, it's you, bro. And Marcus would like you to lay into his friend, Tyler. Yeah. So according to Marcus, his friend Tyler is super, super vegan, which is apparent because he can't even bring himself to cut his beard. Looks like he's going to sell you raw pot brownies without the pot in them. No, I got one for you.

Elias would like their friend Skip roasted. Yeah. No, showed me a picture. Apparently, Skip moved to South Korea where there was a higher chance that the locals would just assume white people were supposed to look like that. He was like a ginger heroin addict trying to put the opie back in opium crisis. All right. So on that note, it's time for a quick spikening round.

So we're going to roll through these ones quick. A bunch of self-immolation here from donors who wanted themselves roasted. And I'd like you to do the roast in the form of explaining why you turned down their friend request. Starting with Heath. First up, Julia, who owns a complete set of Ravenclaw robes. And her Facebook page lists her as in a relationship with Green Bean Casserole. Okay, Julia. Sorry I had to turn down your request um i don't like labels and a facebook friend feels like way too much of a commitment with you

maybe if a russian pharmacy bot says something offensive, you'll get closer to the waiting list. I don't know. On your profile page, it said, in my free time, I wear hoodies. So, yeah, that. In my free time, I'm not friends with you. Also, please date me. And bring Cass around. All right.

How about Robin? All right. At first, I thought I turned down like three friend requests from Robin, but I found out Facebook has a weight limit on these. So they had to split it up into three packets. The only way you could tweet your weight out is through scientific notation. package. The only way you could tweet your weight out is through scientific notation.

We should point out, by the way, that Robin asked us. She's lost a lot of weight and asked us specifically to make weight jokes. It's impressive. She lost like $125,000. It was great. The after picture is amazing. She lost like a whole social media worth of weight.

Exactly. And okay, how about Donald? Alright, Donald didn't give us a picture, but instead sent us links to his various social media for it worth the wait. Exactly. How about Donald? Donald didn't give us a picture, but instead sent us links to his various social media pages. Donald. For real? The idea that I would spend even one second of my time, and to be very clear, I'm not talking about time I value.

I'm talking about time spent bathing in the scent of my own feces as I explosively eliminate Taco Bell in a bus station bathroom. Even that time would be better spent grading and naming the cramps in my own bowels rather than zip over to your fucking Facebook page. And friending you? not even in the most dystopian nightmarish bizarro hellscape apocalypse universe would i use the word friend as an adjective for donald if i were starving and desperate alone in all of the world and the only human connection i could make were with donald i would sooner name the gnawing hunger that kills me and cuddle my own despair than to accept donald into even so meaningless a thing as my online acquaintance

no no all right and eli tell us why did you turn down marcus uh because he looks like he keeps bugging his doctor about his prosthetic arm not doing the hitler salute as vigorously seriously dude is one pair of leather pants away from being a hellboy villain request deleted marcus request deleted all right i've got lost thad who said he regularly gets mistaken for Hellboy villain. Request deleted, Marcus. Request deleted. All right, I've got Lost Thad, who said he regularly gets mistaken for a retired lumberjack. I find that unlikely,

as nothing about his image says once gainfully employed. But yeah. Sorry I had to turn you down there, Thad, but I usually view my feed from my phone, and I don't want to have to turn it sideways every time a picture of your fat head comes across. You know, it comes across you know i'm sure you get that a lot all right i got a couple of special requests heath rosie would like you to roast her beautiful marriage uh yeah okay so first of all this is rosie who paid the bill at our vip night in lond London after Eli skipped out on the check with the company card

and just fucked it up. I forgot. Pretty sure we paid the money back despite way too much generous protesting from Rosie. Anyway, so Rosie and Aaron's so-called beautiful marriage,

which is apparently defined by matching outfits, according to the pictures we got. They look like a sexually aggressive magician team at a swingers party. It's like they started a cult of two people. It's staying that way.

Alright, so I'm not sure if Tom slash Eli meant or or and, but you know what? For a hundred bucks, Tiffany gets both of you guys and she would like a roast of her 2 be ex-brother-in-law yeah so according to tiffany her soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law is a giant piece of shit but surprisingly he's apparently a bully and i saw his picture and that amazes me like i, I was expecting to hear his kids bully to him, not the other way around. Also, he claims to be poly when he cheated on his soon-to-be former spouse.

And I mean, sure, dude, you can be poly or solely attracted to moonbeams as well while we're fantasizing because I promise nobody on earth wants to fuck this guy. You're whatever you want to be, dude. Pick a label. This guy is actually everyone's soon to be x because guys like these leave pain and heartache in their wake there's no denying

that denying that but there's a bright side too because guys like this are temporary everywhere they are always an x they are always something everyone they have ever met eventually throws away because nobody will keep them. They won't keep them in their lives or in their hearts or in their thoughts because people like this are a discard. They are a cast off. People like this only cause pain because they think somewhere in their tiny walnut brain that by causing pain, they will be remembered, but they won't.

tiny walnut brain that by causing pain they will be remembered but they won't they will only be excised like the poisonous social tumors they are from the lives of those they come into contact with until they finish out their days the highlight of their week a soft wet bloody shit splashing the last of their life force into the filthy bowl of yet another transient hotel. If you distilled Tom's roast into like one word or one, I feel like you'd just like slice his head off while he's staring at you. It's weird when I play samples of this for people and Tom's roast come up because they're always like,

so what's that other guy's thing? Okay. Is he on a show? All right. So nobody special requested me. So I'm going to pretend Troy wanted me specifically to roast his wife

Mel and to help us along. He sent us a picture of her where she's barely discernible between their kids. So, yeah, man, your wife looks like a pile of blankets with kids sitting on it. He also says she's a part-time stylist, which I feel like that's his polite way of saying she gets most of the way ready most mornings. But he also says she's religious, but she's starting to question it. And I'll tell you what, after squeezing out those two needy looking bastards, I can see why she's given up on the idea of a loving God.

Oh, all right. So now it's time for a quick segment called At Least You Tried. Cecil, Casey gave us 100 bucks to roast Nicole and her art. This lady is actually pretty good. She's drawn the toothy vagina. And that's like the final class for art instruction school She seems like exactly The kind of person you would find a tattoo

Of Indiana on their body It's probably a tramp stamp too She had to get an owl to go over Her tattoo of the god damn State of Indiana This is a person who drew the goddamn turtle on the matchbook and said, yes,

this is a career. She's not pretty good. She's just super hot, so nobody's going like, man, this is pencil shitting, really. But Nicole, it's pencil shitting. They just don't love you for your mind. Wait, she got an owl to cover up the Hoosier state?

Yes. Hoos. Hoos. All right, Eli. Dee would like a roast of her brother Mike for, quote, his horribly stupid Photoshop project that he does. My buddy. Your stuff looks like what they find on the

computer of a mass shooter. Are you trying to corner the market on freshman dorm posters or were you hoping to make images so stupid and banal that you'll be the only person in history to have stock photos rejected from

Wikimedia? What's the goal, buddy? Alright, Dee also, by the way, she also mentioned that she threw in an extra $25 and wanted a roast from Heath of her dog Nico, a lab husky.

No. No. No. How does it feel to want? Bullshit. Tried to sneak in a bonus roast by claiming some of your donation was extra. Tried to throw your dog under the bus this part. Fuck you. Absolutely not.

And you didn't send a picture of Niku anyway. But I did find a picture of Dee and her husband, as we're all friends on Facebook. And I do have about 10 minutes of material, but I'm not even going to give it to you. Not going to do it. But you know what I'd say. Pretty sure you know. You know. Think about it.

Yeah. Taste the wanted. Taste it. Keith, I've seen D and Kevin. There's no way in hell you only have 10 minutes of material. Oh, shit. I love you, D and Kevin. They're my favorites, actually.

They're awesome. Yeah. All right. And Tom. I like April. Jamie also donated with the hopes that we could roast his band, Swamp Born Assassins. That's the band. I couldn't even listen i tried i did by the time you got to got a one a two i just i fucking i already rammed a dozen dull pencils against my

eardrums and then i ripped the cochlear implants from a baby in a mercy death i am not saying that you should be ashamed but you should consider pawning your fucking instruments then burning down the pawn shop and then salting the fucking earth where it stood all right ed heath this one's for you charlotte would like a roast of the entire UK Parliament. Amazing. Okay. UK Parliament. You guys look like a bunch of kids went to watch a hockey game but there was no rink in the middle and y'all just stayed there forever in the arena

staring at each other from really close and becoming dry. It's the driest room of people ever assembled. It's insane. Like the Thames River is already starting to curve toward the building. All right. Now I've saved the worst for last year. We're going to close off with one each, a roast of somebody who really, really deserves it. And I'm going to start things off with Andrew's roast. He wanted us to go after

Bill Donahue. Bill Donahue looks like he's still holding a grudge about the incompetence of all the king's horses and all the king's men. And the fact that he was literally created as a result of a contest to see who could make the most homophobic mashed potatoes is the least offensive thing about the guy. He is a professional rape apologist who regularly makes himself look worse than the rapists he's defending. And the only time I'd be happy to see the Catholic League is when there's 19,999 other leagues on top of it. All right, Eli.

leagues on top of it all right eli brad with like a roast of conservative bloviators steve deese oh thank you brad steve deese uh steve deese looks like ben shapiro's mom made him let his little brother play he looks like if the big boy lost the plate and just stuck to the Nazi salute out of awkwardness. But don't worry. If you ever get bummed about the swanky job at Blaze TV, Steve Dees says, I have it on good authority. Any minute, a plumber is going to jump on his head. All right, Cecil. Michelle donated $100 for us to roast the GOP.

Oh, yeah. The United Cucks of America. These guys have been watching for the last few years to push each other out of the way to slurp up whatever Trump's left in the American people. You know, I don't know what these guys were thinking. I mean, isn't it the Cucks dream to clean up after the black guy? The old white guy. All right, Heath. dream to clean up after the black guy the white guy all right heath michael would like a roast of gop senator tom tillis of north carolina fantastic uh yeah tom tillis looks like

rick flair forgot to become a professional wrestler so instead he became a racist. Also, his mouth doesn't fit. It just doesn't fit. It looks like he took mouth only steroids. Like he does mouth kegels. Right. No, he like misunderstood oral steroid. Yeah. All right.

And finally, Tom, we had a special request for you. Alex would like you to roast his ex-fiance and he was super clear that he kind of wants you to make this one hurt yeah I'll give that a whirl uh no problem Alex let me tell you something bud dodged a bullet with Becca uh by the way b-e-k-a-h Becca oh I already hate her yeah all right I read your email bud looked at uh the picture you sent and I want to help. I do. So let me start by saying that just because your ex-fiance got pity fucked a couple of times shouldn't reflect on you.

Becca is a piece of shit. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at her, man. I mean, it's still cheating if she got paid in meth, but I mean, just by a technicality. This is a woman so fucking hideous she couldn't offer sexual favors so much as sexual apologies. Good God almighty, Alex. Can you imagine what a woman like that will look like when you roll over in a few years?

And that awful fucking thing is staring her hideous bug eyes back at you? This is a woman who appears to be missing her precious. She looks like a jilted corpse bride was she raised by the bottom 10 of the caretaking class at a romanian orphanage what the fuck alex look everyone is gonna hit you with that age-old canard that you could do better and seriously i don't even know you at all but literally anyone could do better than becca and if it's any consolation everyone will because a woman like becca is only trading on the barest fact that she's pink inside and when the only thing you have to offer is that

someone will eventually get drunk enough to drop a load in you before avoiding eye contact and leaving with the taste of their shame bile burning the back of their throat, things for her do not work out happily ever after. Yeah, wow. Pretty sure Becca is a listener.

Jesus Christ. Was a listener. Was a listener. Hey Becca, join us. Or was a listener. We're using half tense. Hey, Becca, join us over on Cognitive Dissonance. That was.

Well, we will be making fun of Alex. Yeah. Okay. All right. Get him back. Becca, get him back.

It was for charity, Becca. All right. Well, it's always best to leave you with your ears still stinging, so we're going to wrap it there. If you want to hear more roasts, be sure to stay tuned to Scathing Atheist and Cognitive Distance

over the coming weeks. Until then, Tom, Cecil, thanks for helping out, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. Before we let the dogs back in tonight, I want to remind you that time's running out for you to get your tickets to see us live in Denver. We're going to be breaking down the notorious reefer madness for Godawful Movies, and we'd love to see you there. We're so excited about the prospect that we even included a link to get your ticket in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously the outro music would quit in protest if i neglected to thank heath enright for his readiness to substitute for any card in the deck at a moment's notice i need to thank the lovely and talented lucinda illusions for not being a wild card but being wild and a card not at the same time so much i also want to thank eli bosnick who's really more of a nine of clubs than a wild card, so he doesn't fit into the

theme of this thing. Still want to thank him anyway. Also want to thank Davey for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. He said he didn't have anything to plug, so I'm going to reclaim his time and remind you, Denver, March 9th, God awful movies, live, show notes, link, tickets. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals, Alan

Lauren, God Punisher, Javier, Jerry, and Tony. Alan Lauren and God Punisher, whose ninjitsu is so ferocious, Super Saiyan goesunjer, Javier, Jerry, and Tony. Alan, Lauren, and Godpunjer, whose ninjitsu is so ferocious, Super Saiyan goes them, and Javier, Jerry, and Tony, whose intellects are so vast their memories come in IMAX format. Also, apologies to Amelia, whose name I pronounced as Emily last week because it's spelled weird, or actually because English is spelled weird and her name is spelled exactly how Amelia should be spelled, but English apparently can't get off unless I fuck up the names of our patrons, so sorry about that. Together, this half-dozen denizens of dissatisfaction with the disingenuous

delusions developed to denigrate the discretion of the defenseless dupes by dubious divinity dealers delivered a ding to the devotional dipshits this week by donating dollars. If you think you've got the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, you too can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not if it's going to cost you money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes or by following at P-I-A-T pod on Twitter, the new one-stop shop for all things Puzzle in a Thunderstorm. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used

in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdias.com. No. Oh, dude. So I'm sorry. Sorry, Morgan. I know you're editing this shit, but my wife opens up this fucking sales flyer from some furniture store that we bought our kitchen set from.

And it says 50% off Paula Deen collection. I'm like, shouldn't that be 40% off? And nobody was there who could get it. Oh. I was so disappointed. I was like, where's Heath when I need him? God damn it. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019.

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