The Scathing Atheist - 316: On Vacation Edition

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

In this week’s episode, we’ll play a bunch of out of date headlines we recorded before we left for Denver, Eli and Heath will take advantage of Noah not being around to greenlight the final edit, and Tom and Cecil show up to help us prove that if you can’t say something nice about somebody it should act as no impediment to talking about them. Last chance to see us in Denver! Get tickets here: https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver Come see us at the American Atheist convention in Cincinnati: https://www.aacon2019.org/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: http://dissonancepod.com/ Hear more from Andrew here: https://openargs.com/

Êtes-vous prêt à magasiner? La Semaine des super-remises de Rakuten est de retour. C'est un festival d'économie avec jusqu'à 15 % de remise en argent dans vos magasins préférés. Profitez de remise en argent dans les magasins comme Le Nouveau, Expedia.ca et Dyson. Vous découvrirez ce que les autres acheteurs savent déjà. Rakuten est le meilleur moyen d'économiser. La Semaine des super-remises se déroule du 7 au 14 mai. Inscrivez-vous aujourd'hui gratuitement et obtenez un bonus de 5 $.

Visitez Rakuten.ca ou téléchargez l'application Rakuten dès aujourd'hui. R-A-K-U-T-E-N Warning, the following podcast was recorded early, so some of the profanity may be out of date. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Robin Hood.

And by how high we are right now. Are you guys mad at me? Guys, I'm not mad at you. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey guys, it's me, the devil. I just wanted to say keep up the great work. And we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Keep killing it. It's Thursday?

It's March 7th. And we're in Denver, baby. I'm pretty sure I have no illusions. I'm fairly certain I'm Eli Bosnick. Uh, Heath Enright. And from Jason Voorhees' New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, you ever think about the fact that your teeth are bones? Am I holding my arms in a weird position? Where do my arms go? Tomo Cecil will be here too. Oh, first the diatribe. Right. I got a blistering critique from a Christian listener

who we'll call Mark because that's his name and fuck this asshole. So Mark claims to have listened to every episode in our archive, two paragraphs before asking if I've ever even read the Bible. But verifiably dishonest premise aside, the gist of his argument was accurate. The conclusions he drew from it were bullshit, but the premise was valid. So let me present the version of the argument first that he used. So I am sad and lost. And no matter how much gay porn I try to shove into the God-shaped hole in my heart, I just can't find happiness. So I lash out at God, perhaps for not creating more gay porn, and rail against him every week on my podcast show. But I'm also afraid because deep down, I know God could kick my ass in a fair fight, which is why in 300 episodes and counting,

I've never had the guts to bring a dissenting voice onto the show. Fearful that my facade of confidence would crack in the light of their brilliant defenses of faith in Christ the Savior, I cower in the dank prison of sin and masturbation that I've crafted for myself because I secretly know that the merest photon of holy light would clear away the sacrilegious mildew that has tainted my brain. And no, that's not an exact quote, but given the pomposity of his email, I'm pretty sure it would have been if only Mark could word as good as I can word. And while I'd quibble with the assessment of my motivations there, I'll certainly cop to the premise.

316 episodes without a dissenting voice and, spoiler alert, all the future ones too, because a dissenting voice and matters that are close to serious intellectual scrutiny are just incorrect people. And I'm not saying I've never had an incorrect person on the show. Hell, I've been an incorrect person on the show. Hell, I've been an incorrect person on this show, but I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to have one here. So, yeah, guilty as charged. If I was doing a show about medicine, I wouldn't

invite homeopaths on to debate the germ theory of disease. If I was doing a show on astronomy, I wouldn't have flat earthers on to expound on the Frisbee hypothesis. If I was doing a show on wabbit season, I wouldn't have anybody on to talk about duck season because it was fucking wabbit season, regardless of what Elmer Fudd believed by the time he got home. When one side is right, the other side is in a dissenting voice. It's fucking wrong.

And if you want somewhere to spout wrong, might I recommend any number of radio stations, television stations, podcasts, YouTube channels, newspapers, or magazines dedicated to wrongness in this particular field of thought. Or perhaps if none of those are to your liking, you could find an open mic night in one of

the third of a million churches in America alone. But that's clearly not enough for this asshole who finds the one fucking corner of the universe that doesn't give time to his demonstrably incorrect bullshit and has the audacity to complain about its exclusion. But this is a closed fucking discussion and to seriously entertain the arguments in favor of it is by definition intellectually dishonest. And as much as the apologists love to struggle against it, it is no exaggeration to say that religious assertions are close to serious intellectual inquiry. say that religious assertions are close to serious intellectual inquiry. I mean, if you want to be crazy generous, maybe the existence of God exists on the outside fringes of legitimate philosophical debate. And that's philosophical debate. You know, that's that's where the simulation hypothesis and

can I prove my hand exists live? And does God exist just barely makes that cut. But when you add any single claim on top of God's existence, i.e. when you enter into the bare minimum requirements to be considered a religion by any definition, you've crossed into a place where even the philosophers have to give up on you. And believe me, they don't give up on anything easily. And even knowing all that, we still discuss your fucking arguments. Right. Kalam is pretty much the best arguments you guys have in so much as somebody can assign a most aesthetically pleasing turd award. And we've covered that extensively on the show. We just got done reading the best-selling apologetics book in the history of the language.

And we devoted something like six full hours to the damn thing over the past year. I'm aware of precisely zero apologetics we haven't skewered in this show. And no, we don't pay them in the best possible light. But isn't because we're disingenuous it's because they're fucking nonsense so ultimately if you think about it mark isn't even upset that the other side isn't being presented he's upset that we're not letting someone come on to lie about the lie this is whiny bullshit to the second power and it's also not how arguments work on any other subject, right? Science doesn't advance because one theory bitches until it gets equal time with the other. It's just right, or at least righter. Hell, atheism didn't gain traction by shaming religious shows into letting us have a few minutes. I mean, sure, science has had to lobby for its theories from time to time,

but only when they came in direct conflict with this one particular religion's worldview. And if I had a dissenting voice on right now, they might try to negate my point by emphasizing sometime that science actually did have to fight for equal time, but that's not a valid comparison since it was them we were fighting. If there are a lot of yelly fights at your workplace and you're the only person involved in all of them, they're your goddamn fault.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? Did I just point out the rebuttal to my own argument, even though there was no Christian here to correct me? Yeah, Mark, that's a thing you can afford to do when you're correct. And another thing I can afford to do is ignore assholes like you. Joining me for headlines tonight are you, the listener. It's just us this time because, A, you never get a chance to hop into these conversations, and, B, we're all in Denver and we had to record this episode in advance. But fear not, we stockpiled a few gently used headlines for you, so without further ado, we'll join these slightly out-of-date headlines already in progress.

And, Dan, you can't spell denialism without nihilism news tonight. Just want to take a second to remind everybody that nothing we're doing matters and there is no hope. And in an effort to illustrate that, we move to New South Wales where we meet Serge Ben-Hayan, who Australia News describes as Australia's most powerful cult leader. Last year, Ben-Hayan sued a former for defamation, and that backfired spectacularly when the jury found that the fucking plaintiff was, quote, a charlatan who preys on cancer patients, end quote. The jury also found that he'd ripped his own followers off for millions of dollars and said that he had an indecent interest in girls as young as 10. Oh, fuck. Okay, we got to do this again.

All right. Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Cancer Child Sexual Abuse. Do we have any commissioners left? How many royal commissioners are there? Three more of these and we're going to need royalty or something.

Can we double them up? Despite that finding from a Supreme Court jury, whatever, I don't know what that means, whatever that means, a recent investigation by Channel 7 in Australia revealed that his scam, Ben Hayden's scam, still keeps chugging along and its membership is actually growing.

Noah, look, the second you want to make a hard right turn with this thing into a cult, I am in. Set up some low-grade miracles. Tom can be the muscle. Oh, there you go. We got a whole thing. All right. Cult wild card.

I would like you to mention what I would do. Ha. So. Do cults. I got it. One second. You will. Say a goddamn nice adjective right now. Tall. Tall. God damn it. One second. You will say a goddamn nice adjective right now. Tall.

Tall. Goddamn it. All right. So, okay. A couple of quick details on Ben Hain and his universal medicine cult. And I'm actually just going to read you the opening sentence of the Wikipedia article because it's goddamn perfect. Quote, article because it's goddamn perfect.

Quote, Universal Medicine is a socially harmful cult founded by Serge Ben-Hayan, a former bankrupt tennis coach from Maroubra who has no medical qualifications. End quote. Wikipedia goes hard. How do you go bankrupt coaching

tennis? What did you get a giant loan for that you couldn't pay back what was your outlay um and by the way in case you're wondering where he falls on the perv scale some of the signature treatments of the universal medicine cult are esoteric breast massage ovarian readings and esoteric ovarian massage. Esoteric breast readings and

I'm out of combinations. I'm a rapist. Somebody walks into his cult. Hey, do you guys do like, you know, familiar unmysterious ovarian massage? Get the fuck out! Esoteric! Esoteric! Esoteric only, goddammit.

Of course, there's more to the cult than just magical boob rubs and finger banging. Ben-Hayan also has spiritual visions, the first of which occurred to him by his own account mid-shit back in 1999 where he learned that he was A,

destined to start a religion, and B, the reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci. And also, by the way, every news article I can find about this guy gets three paragraphs in at most before you come across a sentence like, quote, Mr. Ben-Han has claimed his religion doesn't keep people in compounds or lock the doors. End quote. 100% if you say that, that is what you do. That is the no one ever yells at us of culting.

All right. Welcome to the cult. We do not hunt homeless people in our wooded area. That area is for all the other activities only not hunting homeless people not taking questions go ahead i just wonder if he said that in response to a question or if he just volunteered it so yeah doesn't matter the extent to which we debunk shit or the extent to which it shouldn't have needed to be debunked in the first place, there is nothing too stupid to make millions of dollars through as long as you call it a religion. Next up in headlines,

we have some good news about a Christian student and some bad news about a Christian school, which actually works out well so we can hate the idea without hating the person. But I'm going to go ahead and hate both because the kid's an asshole and the good news is the kid lost a court case about refusing to learn about the existence of islam in her high school history class the bad news is that a christian school canceled their event for black history month because a bunch of their community

had a meltdown when they heard one of the speakers was going to be a gay person. We'll start with the Christian School, Immaculata Catholic School in Durham, North Carolina. They felt like they were already bending over backwards to be woke when they organized a celebration of hetero Black History Month. So when a group of students and parents found out that city councilwoman vernetta austin a graduate of their school was going to talk about her blackness whilst being gay that was a bridge too far jesus she can't even fuck a dude for the duration of her presentation lesbians are so greedy i'll'll tell you. Right? Unbelievable, yeah. So these people planned a demonstration to protest the event. They didn't want gay stuff ruining the integrity of the black stuff.

I don't know. And in response, the school decided to go with the most Christian thing they could think of when faced with a bigotry conflict. And that would be to cancel the entire day of learning. Yeah, right. And then turn over here and go like, I hope you're happy, the gays. Now no one can go. I love it. Someone came into that guy's office and was like, sir, a bunch of us are going to demonstrate

how we are in the middle of us pretending how we're not. Shut it down down shut it all down yep so that was fun uh well that brings us to the good news about the asshole kid who lost her court case it all started when her history class had a lesson about islam and she decided to protest the assault on her bigotry by refusing to learn any facts about the things she hates. I'm not saying she wouldn't still hate Islam after learning more. In fact, I'm saying the opposite from experience. Can confirm.

But that's good. We want kids learning why religions are terrible based on facts. But she's still an awful human being. religions are terrible based on facts but she's still an awful human being and same goes for her parents who created this terrible person and backed her up on her choice to sue the school for uh i guess negligent fact presentation uh sure is that against the law i feel like i i need to talk to andrew about suing my entire inbox dear noah and not google here's what a word doesn't mean yeah well despite the school being nice enough and spineless enough to let this have no effect on this girl's grade the case made it to a federal court where a sane person finally

told this girl and her family to go fuck themselves using fancy court language. So the court finds a sexual Congress with the defendant should be overseen by the raising party post haste. Eli's heard that in court a lot. He knew that just kind of off the top of his head. You can't sue someone to make them fuck you. Learn from my mistakes, everybody. Learn from my mistakes, everybody. Well, so here's the thing. It's 2019. Let's not forget that good news in 2019 usually just means the bad news isn't quite here yet. And that pattern continues with this story, very possibly.

It looks like the kid and her family are planning to appeal the decision and waste more taxpayer dollars on having intelligent people explain to them why facts don't count as Christian persecution. You're an idiot. Or they'll win the appeal. So that's the other side of that. So the giant waste of taxpayer money is best case scenario ending with a good. But we're not sure it could go either way. Yeah. And in big gut fish news tonight.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Thank you. Walk us through that one. Walk us through that one. It was so long. I was so... It's like a big fish. I do this thing where I write all the related words.

Oh, because big fish is a phrase that people say. The movie. And this is a bigot. Bigot story. I don't see how the story is about a big fish. No, because they teach him to fish. Yeah, I get it. Water.

I see how you got it there. No, all right. That is crushing it. Yep. I am the gammon of this podcast. In that tonight, if you tuned into last week's show, you're familiar with West Virginia legislator, pastor, and monster from the

TV show Legion, Eric Porterfield, who caught a little bit of flack last week for using a gay slur during governmental proceedings and then responded by calling the LGBTQ community the modern KKK. All while looking like Grimace with albinism. Right? It's like a cartoon pimple went into politics. Yeah. Eric Porterfield definitely loved Chunk. That's a fact. We love Chunk.

We know that for sure. He could not look more like Sloth. He looked exactly like goddamn Sloth. He could trim down a little and look like sloth. Yeah. I love that there's been people who've been like, there's got to be ways to push back on his ignorance without pointing his physical. What are you? This is our gift. Yeah.

Physical parent. Don't put it on a tee like that, man. Let's not talk about his size. I'm going to talk about Eric Porterfield's size. If that puts me on the wrong side of history, I will wear the armband. No. He could cure cancer. We're still talking about his physical appearance at the press conference.

Like, what? Absolutely not. Let's keep it to his ideas. No, you keep it to his ideas. This year on Vulgarity for Charity, we're just going to be talking about ideas. Boo! $3 raised.

It's a roast. Anyway, it's 2019, and Porterfield is an asshole, so someone pointed a camera at him, and surprise, surprise, he had more terrible shit to say. So when asked in an interview on WVVA News this week what he would do if his son or daughter told him they were gay, he responded while wearing a Make America Great Again hat,

quote, well, I would dress my daughter first as I would take her for a pedicure. I'd take her to get her nails done and see if she could swim. What? If it was my son, I would probably take him hunting. I would take him fishing. Then I'd see if he could swim. What? If it was my son, I would probably take him hunting. I would take him fishing. Then I'd see if he could swim. What's happening? Yeah, no, it's a clever little West Virginia reference to killing your children. And look, I'm

not usually a big fan of infanticide, but if we're ever going to make a genetic exception, solid point. Well, I am usually a fan of that. This is still at the top of the list. And to be clear, it's a competitive list.

Right. No, it was easy to get on my list. There was nobody waiting. I got to laminate a new thing now. It's got to take down a website. It's the whole thing. Right. And so you said that.

You had to take down that website anyway so so you said that down that website anyway so you said that and then this is super important nobody punched eric porterfield right in the fat fucking face and i mean really hard you know one of those really really hard punches where someone immediately does that like fake whisper like call 9-1-1 call 9-1- 911 thing right afterwards nobody did that after he said he would drown his gay kids yeah yeah and and if they have this story would have been about the heroic efforts of the people that later extracted that person's fist from the sentient rolls of blubber that congealed into eric porterfield in the first place it's amazing it's like sloth got inflated and then melted and then inflated and then melted. Yup.

Like glass blowing, but like jowl fat. Jowl fat being glass blown is how he was created. Yeah, I feel like we're not at the end point of the melted inflated thing either, right? Like it's still happening as we watch him. Yeah, it's like someone's still trying to save the sculpture exactly um so yeah as i said the punching thing paint a glass in a medieval church exactly yeah uh as i said that didn't happen uh but don't worry there has been some severe finger wagging in his direction i mean fingers were just flying from the republican

party all over the map they were just well they were and then people got distracted because trump tweeted that saturday night live was the enemy of the people so porterfield's back leading the government of his state again that's great which is his job i think he meant the savings and loan crisis is the enemy of the people It's easy to confuse that. And in sunk cost news tonight, as the news cycle has descended into ever more malignant, rejected house of cards plots, there's still one place I've been able to go to find a slice of joy. One subject in the news cycle that's remained a pork belly of light in these dark times and provided me with a much needed regiment of schadenfreude. And that subject has been the abject financial embarrassment of Ken Ham's giant stupidity themed

arc park. For years now I've just watched the already anemic attendance numbers dwindle ever closer to single digits. And I'm bashed in the increasingly desperate intellectual flailing Zomish Wolverine is employed to avoid admitting

that his boat sank without ever touching the sea. It's true. The Ark Park is the ex-girlfriend who got super duper fat of fighting Theocracy. Always there. She's just falling down. You wake up every morning

somehow. She's outside your window. It's a buttered floor. She's falling on her face. It's just falling down. You wake up every morning, somehow she's outside your window, it's a buttered floor, she's falling on her face. It's the best. Knocks the wind out of her, makes that weird noise. You stopping grapes? On a buttered floor? Yes. Alright, but Ham's

apparently working a new tactic to try to drum up business at the ark park see in addition to being a spectacularly boring ride list park built out of gopher wood and poor reading comprehension the park also has to overcome the fact that they're not allowed into the lucrative field trip market which sustains most boring attractions in the off season because his park is religious themed it would be a first amendment violation for a public school to organize such a trip. A fact that American atheists and the Freedom from Religion Foundation have made abundantly clear in letters to every school within 500 miles of this place.

But now him's pushing back against the Constitution by declaring opposite day and arguing that if you think about it, it's really a First Amendment violation to not bus public school kids to his park. And I'll be damned if Trinity Lutheran doesn't back him the fuck up on that. No, the parking lot is secular so they can take him there. I can't wait to hear the OA on that one.

Andrew breaking pencils. Alright, welcome to Holocaust denial land. Teach the controversy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, this cerebral contortion comes to us via wall builders.

The presciently named bigotry themed revisionist history program hosted by famous historian David Barton. interview on Barton's radio show, Hamm argued that busing children to his theme parks wouldn't violate the establishment clause unless the teachers told them they had to believe the stuff they were being told. He argued, quote, provided they don't promote it and say, you have to believe this

if they say to them, you're going on a field trip and it's an educational field trip to get a different perspective and to see what they believe. End quote. Because the quote just rants on like that forever. And there's never like a concluding clause. But you get the idea. You see where he's going.

It's like how David Barton and Ken Ham would have no issue whatsoever with local schools touring our studios and watching me record a diatribe as long as they were told they didn't have to believe it. I'm ready for it. And if they come to us us that doesn't violate my probation they were very clear i called yes it does yes it actually does yeah absolutely oh it does it's worse in fact yeah but yeah because of the halloween thing yeah right but it turns out that he had yet another assonantity gear to shift to somehow so he then argued that quote in fact to not do that

that being bus public schools to his park and fork taxpayer dollars over to his bottom line is actually against the constitutional rights of the students themselves depriving them of the opportunity to experience or engage and challenge with other perspectives. And sick. Because seriously, where the hell else are children in rural Kentucky going to hear about Jesus? Come on. From Heath. I'll do it. And in Kingdom Come news, we have a brand new sex scandal involving the Catholic Church,

and I'm pretty sure they're actually excited about it because it's mostly adults and it's mostly consensual in this story, which is a big win for them at this point. Actually, mostly is probably the wrong word, but it's still a big win compared to their normal pars for, you know, grownups and consent. Yeah, right. They literally get graded on a rape curve at this point. Church bell curve.

Child rape curve. Yeah. So thanks to some investigation by an Irish guy named Vince Doyle, and thanks to an archbishop who doesn't really get what's happening at any given moment around him in physical reality, get what's happening at any given moment around him in physical reality we learned that the vatican has an official document that spells out a set of guidelines for dealing with clergy who father a child but we can't see the document because it's a secret so we have to get item one don't fuck your baby okay maybe fuck your baby yeah yeah i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say don't fucking baby never appear together on a catholic code of conduct even if you count

synonyms yeah so this all started when vince doyle learned from his mom that the roman catholic priest he knew as godfather as a child was also his uh biological cum father in real life the cum father by the way very different movie uh don't make the mistake the term horse's head is still integral to the story but yeah it's a different context it follows the plot well all right well um it actually all started in 1139 back when all the best decisions were made, of course. 1139, that's when the Vatican made the vow of celibacy their official stance at the Second Lateran Council. It was official across all their churches. When Vinnie Doyle found out the priest with a secret entrance to his mom's bedroom wasn't just doing covert special ops priest magic that whole time. He was also fucking his mom.

Well, now I'm only going to call sex covert special ops priest magic. Well, there you go. And I'm only going to call my covert special ops priest magic sex from now on. I bet you confuse people more often but i confuse them more overall your daughter's possessed huh i know what she needs if you guys are both there it just anyway so um doyle decided to start a support group for children of priests and as part of the project he tried to get a bunch of bishops to acknowledge all these kids. In response, the bishops usually told him this was a super rare thing. But then he finally found a very confused archbishop who showed him the internal company policy for handling this apparently extremely common thing in which a lifelong ban on sex doesn't usually pan out.

Weird. However, when Doyle asked for a copy, the Archbishop was like, no, oh shit, no, it's a secret. Please don't tell the New York Times. And then Doyle told the New York Times. What? I'm reading what I'm telling you on the New York Times website right now. Stop it. Stop typing. Banana bread. Damn it. It's right there.

So the Times started investigating and eventually got a Vatican spokesman to admit that the guidelines do in fact exist. But they're still insisting the document is classified and they wouldn't release any estimates about the exact size of the problem but we have some idea at least we have some idea the very low end of the number considering doyle's group has about 50 000 people we did learn that the general idea of the vatican policy is to politely ask the priest to get a real job and support his child. But they're not going to be dicks about it. They're not going to like it. But either way, what the fuck skill does a priest have to get a real job? Yeah, right. None.

Exactly. So even if the Vatican forced these people out, they'd just be unemployed dads at that point with a resume that says, God's stuff, don't fuck women damn it i fucked a woman and resume so baptists they can be baptists or politicians politicians yeah so maybe there's a couple options but point being this whole thing is obviously another terrible job by the vatican of handling their creepy management team. But there is a bigger headline here.

Here's the bigger headline. The Catholic Church is having a giant worldwide meeting of high-ranking bishops this week to talk about exactly how much Nazi gold they're going to need to launder to pay off all the newly revealed kids they raped. Yep. So that's happening. They have to have a meeting the newly revealed kids they raped. Yeah. So that's that's happening. They have to have a meeting for that with their entire staff. So keeping that in mind, it feels like they're wagging the dog with this. And just to be clear, their diversion thing can be anything less evil than child rape. Yeah.

So anything. Right. This week, it's a story about how some of their best sex is consensual it's not a great that's their diversion yes that's that's the thing they want us to know right right they want us looking there oh well still though it would be funny if you kicked all those deadbeat dads out at once they could start their own church oh i wonder what that would be like would be like uh good evening everyone welcome to our father full of regrets and the church of the deadbeat dad a reminder uh services this evening will run until 10 minutes before the super important thing our kid is doing is is over uh today's communion will be easy mac uh it's not quite cooked all the way

but i don't think you can put it back in and we'll be consuming it in silence with our new girlfriend cheryl who's like way, way too young. Judgy. And all fucked up. And if you'll turn now in your hymnal to page one, we'll be drunkenly singing Cats in the Cradle while crying. And the cats in the cradle are still for swoon. A little boy and a man on the moon. Oh, it's harder. I was doing the Cat Stevens one, not the Ugly Kid Joe one. That one's harder.

And on that note, Noah left for vacation and asked us to do the headlines outro. I'm in charge because Noah's dead. Okay. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here to put the burn back in burn again. What? Roast. They're born again. Born again.

No, no, I got it. But you see, this is why you're not in charge, though, right? But I am, though. Are you? Yes, you are. Yes. You are. You know, here at The Scathing Atheist, we like to keep things fun and fresh by presenting our ads as skits or humorous dialogues. But it turns out not every podcast can do that without it

being terrible. So when our advertiser, Robinhood, sent out a podcast-wide advisory for everyone to please just read the freaking copy verbatim, we understood. Somebody else screwed it up for everybody. So with that in mind... Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission-free. While other brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade,

Robinhood doesn't charge any commission fees. So you can trade stocks and keep all your profits. Plus, there is no account minimum deposit needed to get started, so you can start investing at any level. The simple, intuitive design of Robinhood makes investing easy for newcomers and experts alike. View easy to understand charts and market data and place a trade in just four taps on your smartphone. You can also view collections such as 100 Most Popular. With Robinhood, you can learn how to invest in the market as you build your portfolio, discover new stocks, track your favorite companies, and get custom notifications for price movements so you never miss the right moment to invest. Robinhood is giving listeners

of The Scathing Atheist a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help you build your portfolio. Sign up at scathing.robinhood.com. Robinhood. It's a bird for your phone. Nope. Still not. Eli, Heath, what brings you to my office today? Buck tour!

Yep, yep. Buck tour. Come on in. Where's Noah? Yes, funny story. So, you know that thing when you're putting a seatbelt on and it kind of locks up and then it won't go all the way forward and you can't click it. Oh yeah. Oh God. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. So does Noah. He's, he's in the parking lot yelling at his car. Yeah. We've been here for like 20 minutes. Yeah. He's still out there. If you look out the window, you can see him can see him oh my god yeah he is really going to town isn't he yeah yeah i got cold so

about the fuck tour how many fucks until connie's are a business expense that's a pretty important also are dildos like an osha thing now like what is there like safety stuff on that Is there like safety stuff on that? Gentlemen, we do not need to send Heath on any kind of tour if listeners want to see you. Look, there's still tickets left to see a live God awful movies in Denver on March 9th. And they can even see you at the American Atheist Convention for just 25 bucks in Cincinnati. Nobody needs to go on a fuck tour. Okay?

Fine. Fine. Fine. Wow, Noah is still yelling at his car. Wow. You get him, buddy. You tell him. You tell him. Stupid seatbelt.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Bella. It's your day. All right, Heath. Noah went on vacation and left us one task to provide material are you ready to finally let it out you know I am let's do this

the segment we've been trying to release for years the hard hidden content that Noah did not want you to see Sarah and Melania curtaining at Ikea. Um, what about these?

What you doing? I like the ones I got. I didn't say that. I said let's pick a few options before we get to furniture in case those don't match. They're going to match. Fine, so we're going into bedroom with no backups. We don't match. They're going to match. They're going to match. Fine, fine. So we're going into bedroom with no backups. That's what you're saying.

We don't need backups. These are going to be perfect. Okay. Okay. Oh, Sarah. Look, look, look, look, look, look at this page. It's so beautiful, baby. Yeah.

No, that is beautiful. All right. Let me give it a test real quick. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. That's that is beautiful. All right. Let me give it a test real quick. That's right. Me. I'm the prize winner. I am. I win the prize.

Yeah, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. You're the prize winner? I am the prize winner. It's a whole thing. Sounds like it. You'll see. The dictionary defines roast as to cook by prolonged exposure

to heat in an oven over a fire. So, if you think about it, no matter how bad what we say in this segment is, it's still better than it could have been. Because yes, it's time once again for a bit of vulgarity for charity and join us once more our partners in crime tom and season from the cognitive dissonance podcast guys welcome back thanks for having us we already promised we'd do it i mean hey all right for that one tom you can go first maxwell demonic donated 100 bucks to get a pair of his friends roasted.

Tom, you get Cassidy. And Eli, by special request, you get Bob, who, by the way, is fatter than the picture would suggest, Maxwell assures us. All right, Cassidy. Cassidy is like if beige went on vacation. Cassidy is so un-extraordinary. It's like water somehow got watered down.

It's like toast smeared only with its own crumbs, like other toast and milk. Like Cassidy, you're like the Nebraska of people. Nobody cares. All right. Now I've got Bob. And I did a Facebook search.

And yeah, it does appear that Bob ate the rest of his motorcycle. Looks like he's part of the Hell's Angel food chain. All right, Cecil, you're up. Mayumi would like a roast of their co-worker, Neil. Neil looks like he's wearing a converted picnic blanket as a coat and all the ants are meeting on his upper lip. Like seriously, dude, the light is coming in just right to catch your tiny translucent mustache.

You look like you gave up on acting because you were always cast as the rapist even if the play didn't have one. This is a weird production of Oklahoma. All right, Heath. Winning the award for the tiniest picture to ever build a roast from is Frank, who would like a roast of his super Christian and hooray supporting production manager, whose name he did not share with us. Not helpful with the picture.

I can't even see. It's one pixel. I can't see it. It's one pixel. I can't see it. That's fine. I figured it out. Yeah, we got this tiny little picture and it has a circle frame for some reason. It's like he's in a yearbook of

aggressive Little League dads. And he was voted most likely to stand his ground against an umpire. When this guy's office door is closed at work, he is 100% masturbating to the Trayvon Martin video. That is definitely what's happening with your production manager. All right, well, now I want in on the action,

and Zach needed a roast of his cousin's husband, Chris. And, oh, my God, Chris, you look like melatonin has a spokesperson. Chris and oh my god Chris you look like melatonin has a spokesperson you're like the avatar that they start you off with before you add features to it and Zach says you're anti-vax and you're

an Alex Jones fan but despite all that good material I'm too bored by looking at your picture to bother to incorporate it into your insult the default me he calls me all right time to get political we got a bunch of politicians to roast and eli can start us off eli malcolm

wants ken buck roasted oh uh ken buck looks like someone built an optical illusion of a face into a ball sack all right ce, Cecil, Brady would like you to roast Senator Josh Hawley. He looks like Nicolas Cage, but only if you took a picture of him after someone smeared baby food on your lens. Feels like the kind of guy that sends something back during every

restaurant visit. He doesn't care if people die from pre-existing conditions, and I'm on the fence which one is worse on me it's the restaurant thing it's the first one fuck you send it god damn it alright well speaking of the second

part I get Dean Heller on behalf of Andy with an I hey Dean scoping out a good spot on the unemployment line there man do you have your tent set up yet maybe hard to get tickets I mean maybe the unemployment line there man do you have your tent set up yet might be hard to get tickets i mean you know maybe the voters in nevada will forgive you on the count of that time you almost had a spine once but hey that could only help you if your votes on health

care don't kill them before election day one way or the other though i bet you're regretting those votes against raising the minimum wage now huh but what But what do I know? Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe the NRA will need a portable vagina and favor someone for the position who already knows his way around their pockets. All right, so Heath, Callie points out that Matt Bevin currently only has one asshole. Feel like we could do something about that.

Oh, no, that's true. One asshole, which is unfortunate for him because he'll need at least five if he's going to fit his chin somewhere during a full flight. That's going to be tricky. It's not going in the overhead. He looks like Jay Leno got liposuction and then injected all of that fat and bone into his chin. All right, Tom, kind of an obscure one for you. Philip would like you to roast mike delph all

right no problem but uh mike i had to google you because it turns out you're a republican from indiana which means that you're just another two-bit know nothing conserva hack hucking scare tactics to idiots for another shot at the most mediocre power position in all of history senator in indiana i mean remember mike no matter how much you think you matter you matter in indiana which is the same thing as not mattering at all all right eli we've come back around to you how about you give theresa may some anti-love oh theresa the avatar and representative for every woman who swore she was going to get out back around to you. How about you give Theresa May some anti-love? Oh, Theresa. The avatar and representative

for every woman who swore she was going to get out of an abusive relationship. Seriously, how terrible at your job do you have to be to technically win at everything and still have everyone hate you

and your decision? She is the New England Patriots of politicians. It's like she ran unopposed and still lost. But don't worry, Team Izzle. Pretty sure you're going to be remembered just like Brexit. That is not. Not.

All right, Cecil, how about you help Matt out with a roast of former Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Scott Wagner? Oh, man. The picture in this guy. He looks like he really has to squint up his face in order to engage his thinking bits. He crunches up his giant fat face for every single decision no matter how mundane. This guy will fold his own face in half

picking out a dressing for his salad. And he always goes with ranch. Sometimes you don't know. It's always ranch in the end. Blue cheese. No, balsamic. Balsamic. Balsamic.

All right, so I'll take Peter's request for a roast of, I don't know, this is Finnish, Jussi Halaaho. Halaaho? I don't know. Jussi Smollett? Boo nerd. Get a person name. Yeah, right.

He's a Finnish politician that occurs about 70% of the way through morphing Pinky into the brain. Right? He's a convicted bigot who manages to exemplify everything wrong with white supremacy, both in his actions and his genetics, right? He's like picture of Dorian gray except for like for why all the other finnish people are attractive all right heath caitlin would like a roast of ohio's gop senator rob portman all right his office is actually like right down the street from me so rob portman is uh swing state the person.

He looks like he just quit a segregated country club and then called his one black friend to brag about it. You people are welcome. All right. So, Tom, I saved you a good one. Olivia would like you to roast Mike Pence. All right. Mike Pence. All right. Mike Pence, buddy. There is a reason that you are second fiddle to the world's most boring egomaniac.

You won't eat alone with women and you call your wife mother. It's because you are the world's first professional cuck in all of the world there has never been a toady a lick spittle a professional salad tosser so bland and pointless and harmless as you you're not even nothing you're second place nothing you didn't win mike you didn't even have the temerity to lose. My God, you're too fucking afraid to be your own coward. You're a proxy coward. You're craven for hire, Mike. And when history records your name, it will be with

a sigh. Take that, fucker. Salad tosser in a bad way is what... Try and get applause again go on Mike that was the best oh god wasn't it

the president did you guys hear me did I lose you all of Poland shut their lights off get some water here I'll deliver that line again alright moving on from politics for a moment, it's time for a segment I call Brotherly Love. Got a few folks here who wanted their brothers roasted,

and I'd like for you guys to do these ones as explanations of why they're not invited to this year's family reunion. Starting with Andy's brother, Adam. Oh, Adam? Yeah, he can't make it. He's cruising for chicks at the teen choice awards all right how about uh andreas's brother steven steven is somehow short for like estrogen or

something how does that work estrogen you look exactly like a person who would be racially profiled even if you had a badge and a gun. If you keep downgrading your life, becoming a security guard instead of a cop, moving to New Jersey from New York, you can eventually look forward to fucking up my order at Applebee's. You're not invited to the family reunion because you're working at Applebee's right now.

Let me get a spin dip though. Alright, and Steve's little brother, Mike, who is the epitome of a lax bro. Oh, sorry, Mike. Yeah. Mom and dad don't want you coming to the reunion. Mostly because you look like the obnoxious angel on Bam Margera's shoulder. But also because you have a Jewish girlfriend.

That's gross. Mom and dad are bigots, and they wanted to be super clear on that last thing. They said you should try your Patronus, though, which is Richard Spencer in lacrosse gear. That might scare her away. All right, and how about Scott's brother, also named Steve? All right, hey, Steve, you are not invited to the reunion uh because none of us can afford to have that wall removed and rent that crane to lift you no actually steve that's not true we can totally afford it we just rather scrape the voluminous goo of your decomposed and neglected remains into a trash can, then see your stupid fucking face.

Jesus Christ. Alright, and finally, I'll take Maggie's brother, Benjamin, who is a racist, homophobic gun nut, or as we say here in the States, a Trump supporter. American. Yeah. And he looks as though someone drew eyebrows on one of Rick Moranis' turds.

So yeah, Benjamin, good luck getting into the reunion this year. Word of warning, we took your advice and built a wall to keep out the undesirables. All right, moving on from Brothers for a moment. Heath, I've got a fun one for you. Matthew would like you to roast Christian God.

Christian God, okay. Hey, you paying attention over there? Christian God, I want you to stop me from roasting you. Go ahead. Just say anything. You got this? Interrupt at any moment, and I will not call you nothing? A Nazi rapist.

Nope. Anything? Okay, say nothing, and I'll do an atheist podcast for the last six years making money on that it's my entire job got it okay and in case it's not clear sculptures of confederate generals are being handled the same way as sculptures of your son you're a nazi rapist all right so couldn't stop me. Cecil, I'm going to get historical on you. Jeff would like a roast of Martin Luther.

Martin Luther, the patron saint of passive-aggressive post-it notes. You're the dick that thought it was faith, not deeds, that would lead believers to salvation? So you essentially greenlit countless deathbed confessions of total fucking assholes, giving them a few last minutes of smugness instead of dying with shame that they deserved. Fuck you, you floppy hatted John Lithgow looking

motherfucker. Fuck you. Floppy hatted John. He has a sloppy hat. That's the best part. it is a great floppy hat alright and Tom Patrick would like a roast of the Southbridge Massachusetts public school system

oh fuck them sorry before Tom goes fuck them I hate that school system gosh alright well that's a good one because rarely is the question asked is our children learning no All right. Well, that's a good one because rarely is the question asked, is our children learning? No, they're not. Not at Southbridge.

And that's not even inaccurate because I just looked at their test scores online, a privilege that I guess I enjoy, unlike 69% of their students who lack basic fucking reading comprehension, which means they won't even grow to know that they don't know what they don't know so southbridge massachusetts public schools where ignorance is mandatory all right and eli brian would like a few not so kind words for his co-host aaron oh i'm happy to because a Aaron is a theology major and the youth director at his local church. Aaron, buddy, come on, put down the Cimmerillion for a second and

lean in. Come here. Come here. You got to stop, okay? I know it's not real. You know it's not real. You know I know it's not real just just put the book down and follow your true calling as a model for stock photos about anxiety follow your dreams aaron you can do it all right so i always like to close off on some folks that really have it coming so i've got one for each of you starting with heath. Heath, Alex would like you to roast his wife's ex-best friend, Vanessa. And here's a picture of Vanessa holding a praying mantis.

Oh, yeah. Pretty sure that's actually a picture of a giantess holding a dragon. Vanessa looks like a slow motion catcher's mitt. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that doesn't really make sense, but it does. It does if you see the picture. Her magical origin story.

Yeah. All right, Eli, you get Stuart's father-in-law, Graham, who is a church leader, thinks golf is more important than his daughter, and, quote, thinks the word Negro is somehow even remotely appropriate, despite the fact that he lives in Australia today, not the deep South in 1860. Oh, all right, Graham, let me put this in a way you'll understand. Oi, you can't be going about saying things like that when you're so similar to a bollocks that your milliner asks you to turn your head and cough.

I know you like golf, so let me make this simple. If you don't cut it out, everyone's going to remember you as an a-hole in one. Alright, we've reached Eli's limit. My milliner joke didn't get the laugh I wanted. Paralyzed

with sadness. Genius. Googled it. So I'm going to take Steve's request for a roast of GOP operative Ron. And as if this guy's face doesn't make him hateable enough, Steve sent us a picture of him next to Chris Christie. And, by the way, the guy has the exact same size, physique, and visage as that little kawakian monkey lizard that giggled next to java so it's impossible not to worry for leia's safety when you see this pic

so ron you're a fucking twerp okay there are more grandiose insults i could offer a person of your general shittiness but you don't rise to the level of big insults. You're a tiny mind and a tiny man waving a tiny dick at a tiny audience and the closest you ever came to big was expressing your tiny little thoughts in all caps. Thank you.

All right, so Cecil. Tom and Duck. I love it. Thank you. As it goes on, we all get there. We are getting meaner, I've noticed. All right.

So, Cecil, nobody and nothing has ever asked for it. Well, yeah, we're just getting sick of doing this shit at this point. Are we fucking done? Fuck this guy, too. Okay. Ugly person. Next. All right, Cecil.

Nobody and nothing has ever asked for it more. Joseph would like you to roast the state of Minnesota. Okay, Minnesota, Minnesota, two words, Minnesota. Michelle Bachman, you elected her four fucking times to the House. You elected a more religious Sarah Palin to the House. You think about that. And what is it with the two coldest states electing folksy ditzes to office?

Aren't these the two same states that are the top Pornhub searches for giantess porn? I feel like I want to roll up a newspaper and just swat all of Minnesota in the nose. No. Stop know. No. Stop it.

Bad. Stop it. And you're shitting. All right, finally, Tom, this one's for you. I'd like to close things off tonight with a roast for Citizen Gold for all the non-patrons out there. Oh, God, non-patrons. All right, no problem. As I see it, there are just two types of non-patrons, Noah.

There are those out there who can donate and don't, and then there are those who can't donate because they're too lazy to take second or third jobs to make it possible for them to fucking donate. All right? Either way, think of this, guys, as one of those, like, penny things at the gas station. Like, if you have a penny, leave a penny,

and if you have a dollar, we should donate that to us through fucking Patreon. What do you think? I want your fucking spare change? I want your fucking pennies? This show isn't going to complain about how hard it is to make itself. I may as well give you some money so you can listen to us complain about it before your friends

do. Also, if you don't donate money to the show, it's because you're bad in bed. That's true. That's true. Alright, well, while you guys all think on that, I remind you that we love all of our listeners. We just love the patrons more. We'll close it off for the night.

If you guys want to hear more from Tom and Cecil, check out the show notes for a link to Cognitive Dissonance. You should definitely listen to it if you're not already doing that. Guys, thanks again for hanging out. It was a blast as always. Thanks for having us. Before we make like a tree and fall in the woods and nobody's around to hear us, I want to remind you that you can come see us in Cincinnati on Easter weekend

at the American Atheist Annual Convention. If you only make one con this year, that's the one to attend. And ticket information is in a link in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I'd be a ridiculous asshole if I neglected to thank Heath Enright and Eli Bostick for all the work they did on the show and for hooking me up with a week off in Denver for my birthday. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions who promises to be back with Twim next week.

I also want to thank the devil himself for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you want to check out more of his work, you know, just keep doing what you're doing,

I guess. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people whose names I don't know yet because I had to record this in advance before I took the trip. I promise I'll thank you by name next week.

And if you'd like to hear your name right alongside theirs and maybe hook a podcaster up for his birthday, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingadius.com. And if you'd like to help but all your money is tied up in your new money-not-startup, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and liking our Facebook page. Also, follow at PIATpod on Twitter for all the latest from Puzzle and a Thunderstorm's crew. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres.

Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAIDS.com. Also, wait, wait, wait. Also, thanks Tom and Cecil. Thanks guys. If you want to check out more of them, they're on the show notes too. Sorry, I didn't forget about you. I almost did, but I did. Whatever you want.

You want to go to exit 94? B? Yell an exit sign? That remains the best moment on any trip in my entire life. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved. Changing a light bulb should be simple.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Uh-oh. That's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified.