The Scathing Atheist - 318: Exo-Dusted Off Edition

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

In this week’s episode, Amazon stops recommending killing your child, Mike Pompeo refuses to grant a separate but equal press briefing for the secular media, and you won’t believe what Moses’s brother does with a calf. Learn more about International Atheist day here: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/atheist-day Come see Noah in Austin on 3/23. Find info here: https://www.atheistdayaustin.com/ Learn more about American Atheist’s 2019 convention in Cincinnati: https://www.aacon2019.org/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called Guest Links: Check out the Comedy Suplex Podcart here: https://comedysuplex.xyz/home Headlines: Christian reactions to NZ shooting: Fraser Anning: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/15/australian-senator-blames-muslim-immigration-for-white-mans-act-of-terrorism/ Bryan Fischer: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/16/bryan-fischer-the-nz-shooter-had-a-point-since-islam-does-need-to-be-stopped/ A jury will decide if a GA school district banned yoga to appease Christians: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/18/a-jury-will-decide-if-a-ga-school-district-banned-yoga-to-appease-christians/ Amazon Removes Autism “Cure” Books That Promote Kids Drinking Bleach: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/13/amazon-removes-autism-cure-books-that-promote-kids-drinking-bleach/ Humanists are less likely to be divorced: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/11/humanist-weddings-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce/ Pompeo’s “Religious Freedom” press briefing excludes non-religious reporters: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/18/the-state-department-held-a-private-call-only-for-faith-based-media-outlets/ This Week in Misogyny: Trump administration official tracking underage menstruation: https://theslot.jezebel.com/despite-being-unable-to-spell-menstrual-scott-lloyds-o-1833348219

Warning, there are offensive words in this podcast. Also, defensive words. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by God Awful Movies, live at the American Atheist Convention, April 19th through the 21st in Cincinnati. If you don't come, you have to start believing in God. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is the Comedy Suplex Podcart. And you're listening to The Bathing Atheist. No, Scathing Atheist. So, not an insult.

It's Thursday. It's March 21st. And it's National Day of Action on Syringe Exchange. All right, I'll trade you three reds and an HPV for your four milli. No deal. Come on. I'm no illusions. I'm Elon Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Eric Menendez's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode Amazon stops recommending killing your child Mike Pompeo refuses to grant a separate but equal press briefing

for the secular media and you won't believe what Moses' brother does with a calf but first the diatribe I'm away home from Denver last week. I'm standing in the security line at the airport, and I see this girl ahead of me with a purse on which is embroidered

Jesus Family Friends Self, or something like that. It was Jesus family something self. And don't get me wrong. Nothing sells your humility like a public declaration of it in three inch tall letters. But something in that sentiment really stuck in my craw. And you know what? I've got a crowded craw. So I needed to pick it back out.

Now, obviously, this isn't the first time I've encountered this particular presentation. The whole God country family self thing is plastered around me like it was the city's slogan. And it's annoying just in terms of its backward-ass virtue signaling to begin with, but it gets a lot worse when you think about it. Because who is God? Who is Jesus? I mean, the girl at the airport didn't even have a sword. She clearly didn't sell all her belongings because she still had that stupid purse. And if I'm not mistaken, it was a polycotton blend.

So when she says Jesus family friend self, she's not talking about the Jesus of the Bible. She's talking about somebody else's interpretation of Jesus. But who's her preachers, her moms, her dads, her grandmas? I am willing to bet that there are subtle differences and maybe even not so subtle differences between all those various Jesus. So who decides which Jesus is the real Jesus? Who decides which Jesus gets elevated above family, friends, country and self? And herein lies the truly insidious nature of the phrase, right? Because the answer is very clearly the chick with the dumb ass purse on. She's the one deciding what Jesus thinks, and he always seems to agree with her. If she's a liberal, hey, you know, Jesus is kind of a hippie.

If she's a conservative, well, you know, God's kind of an authoritarian. If she likes Robbie, Jesus meant for them to be together. If she starts liking Steve, God is leading her towards him. If she's progressive, Jesus loves everybody. If she's a homophobe, God hates fags. If she's an intellectual, she has a different purse. Sorry, that one didn't work, but you get the point. You know, her preacher can come to her and say, no, no, no. Jesus thinks X on the subject of Y and here's biblical passage Z to prove it. But she doesn't know Jesus through a book or some preacher. She knows him through a personal relationship.

Jesus speaks to her. She can interpret the text for herself. God damn it. And the Holy Ghost is going to help her so people can suggest things for her. Jesus to think. But ultimately, she's going to be the final arbiter. So what the purse really says is self family, friends, self. And that's where it lands in practice, too, right?

If her family wants her to do something that she doesn't want to do, I guarantee her excuse is going to be that Jesus told her not to. You know, God doesn't want her to. There's this biblical quote or vague Christian platitude that justifies my inaction. Now I'm not just choosing me over you. I'm choosing God over you so I can act in pure self-interest, absolve myself of any guilt and still tell myself that I'm morally superior to the person I just refuse to help because God. And I'm not saying that acting in self-interest is necessarily a bad thing. It's kind of the default thing we're all doing. And it's the foundation of humanism, too. But there are some important modifiers that you got to use to get it to moral.

And one of them, maybe even the most important, is recognizing your acting and self-interest. As soon as you break free of that, it becomes a spectacularly dangerous way to live. I mean, if you're reduced to saying something like, I define marriage as between a man and a woman, you can't help but ask the obvious follow-up. Who the fuck am I to define somebody else's marriage? But if you swap God out for the first person, you get to skip right over that question at the very core of the debate. You get to imbue your own interests

with the sovereignty of God Almighty and suddenly you're under no obligations to justify them. Of course, none of this is new to you. You know that when Christians say Jesus, they really mean me, but cracking their stupid little code does offer up a useful substitution game, right? Like anytime a religious person expresses a religious sentiment

about what God thinks or wants, just switch out the reference to God or Jesus or whoever for the appropriate first-person replacement, and you'll learn all you need to know about that person. I mean, you know, Granny posts on Facebook and says, God believes in you. Okay, I believe in you. Pretty good sentiment.

Go, Granny. Aunt Kathy posts, Jesus wants Muslims to switch religions before they move to America, and we know what a heinous bitch aunt kathy is it doesn't work as well when they're talking about shit that god does you know when i close the door i also open a window that'd just be a weird thing for grandma to say but it's still meaningless and incorrect so the gist of the statement remains the same but it's also an interesting one to reflect on if you can get a religious person to play along and they should be willing to right they're not gonna accept the premise that you know what they're really saying is me obviously they wouldn't do that by definition

but the statement should still track as moral when you do substitute in the first person right after all if it didn't how the fuck could they justify worshiping the asshole who said it? Joining me for headlines tonight are the lock and stock to my barrel. Heath Enright, Neal I. Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to pull the trigger? Classic ruse. Always wait till you get home. No, Heath. Bath bathroom at the restaurant get on

my level that's i will go nowhere near your level in our lead story tonight someone should sew brian fisher and frazier anning's asses together and let them fill one another with forced shit swaps until they both explode but and andrew said I had to be super clear about this, I'm not offering to reimburse anybody for the cost incurred in such an undertaking, nor am I offering to harbor them from justice in the wake of said endeavor. Also, I'm not winking.

I, however, am winking, but I didn't say it, so it's fine. Oh, okay. Also, just going to say it, worth getting sued out of business to watch the Nazi lawyer, Frazier Anning, drags up, very seriously,

accused us of encouraging people to sew his client's ass to another man's ass. It would just be worth it. Yeah. That's the real breakfast cup closer. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

So, all right, let me back up a little bit, give this some context. You know, the Christian freak out thing we do a bunch of evangelical nemesis start losing their shit over some change in Target's toy department policy. So we cue that little tune that Anna did. It's a little ditty.

And then we talk about how they all lost their shit. Well, this week we have the exact opposite circumstance, right? Like a truly tragic thing happened in New Zealand and a bunch of Christian leaders took to their microphones and pulpits for some bigoted exoneration that urged everybody not to worry about it so much. So Anna hit it in reverse, I guess. Okay, I very clearly heard that Heath is dead. Did you guys hear that? That was a hoax. So before I get to the assholes,

let's talk about the right way to handle something like this. And for our exemplar, we'll look at New Zealand's prime minister, Jacinda Ardern, whose name I didn't even have to Google. I was so proud of myself. She came out in the wake of this thing and just oozed sympathy and gravitas. She promised the nation would reexamine its gun laws.

She made every effort to reach out to the affected communities she condemned the terrorism in the harshest of terms and while she didn't directly suggest my assholes sewed together solution to the fraser anning thing she kind of implied it at least yeah also she was like uh and we're banning those guns uh the number of strikes was one in case you were wondering yeah one new New Zealand's NRA was like, yeah, so what we need is a room full of Muslims with assault rifles. Nope. Hold on. Yeah, right. Right.

Yeah, exactly. That's where it all breaks down. All right. So for a quick example of how not to handle it, let's familiarize our audience with Australian senator and man who blocks eggs well enough to be named an honorary intrauterine device, Frazier Anning, who followed up the massacre with a tweet reading, quote, Does anyone still dispute the link between Muslim immigration and violence? End quote.

What a monster. And just in case anybody mistook him for not meaning the worst fucking thing he could possibly mean by that, he followed it up with this lengthy statement with lines like, quote, just because the followers of the savage belief were not the killers in this instance does not make them blameless. End quote. But it does. It does. It does. He then went on to get egged in the back of the head by an international hero.

And I'm I'm not saying you should gently crush an egg on the back of literally every by an international hero. And I'm not saying you should gently crush an egg on the back of literally every Republican's head, and that's a great thing, and everyone should do it. But yes, I am. Nope, you're not, though. You're not. I am saying that. Remember, Andrew said you're not saying that. But if you do it... Gentle! No, but not gently, you get the

blast radius, and it's funnier. It's more splashy. He's the one who said not gentle. I said right but don't do any of these things but not to be outdone rogue spokesman for the american family association an amalgamated ghost of all the dead guidance counselors brian fisher also took to the radio to express sympathy with the goals of the terrorist while Fisher admitted that murdering people in mass, quote, is the wrong way to go about this, end quote.

Not a great start. You're trapped, buddy. Yeah, right, right. First stroke painted you into the corner. Yeah. He pointed out that the cold-blooded murder of children was correct in the fact that, quote, Islam is something that needs to be stopped, quote so like he wants

a solution just not a final when he wants to stop short of a final solution he just wants a a solution next up in headlines we have a story about a georgia public school so Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. That's right. A town in Georgia is freaking out after some very serious Christian persecution happened. And that persecution came in the form of students being exposed to stretching, breathing, and sitting quietly. No. And being mindful of their effect on the world around them. Obviously, that was a giant outrage to the Christian community, so they got some pitchforks and tiki torches together. Actually, they probably just took those things out of their trucks

where they always keep them handy. And they made a project out of getting assistant principal Bonnie Cole removed from the school for her role in setting up the heathenous yoga program. What do we want? Not to be here. When do we want it? Anytime but the present. You can't have the kids too bendy, though.

I get it. Catholics have long ago established an important connection between good Christianity and kids and rigidity. So, yeah. Yeah, but there's a little bit of good news here. In response to getting forcibly transferred out of the school, Ms. Cole filed a lawsuit against the Cobb County Board of Education for going along with this angry mob. And a judge ruled last week that the case would, in fact, go to trial rather than being dismissed with a hand wavy Jedi mind trick like Cobb County was requesting. So that's good to hear.

But unfortunately, that trial is going to happen in fucking Georgia. Right. So rather than just pointing out, you know, hey, this is fucking dumb, right? Rather than just pointing out, you know, hey, this is fucking dumb, right? Cole's going to have to prove that this was reverse religious discrimination in which she was punished for holding religious views that she doesn't actually fucking have. Right. Because she's Christian. So they're persecuting a Christian for her Buddhist beliefs in yoga, a Hindi practice. It's a win-win for Kim Davis, is what they're saying. Yeah, so just in case this whole story wasn't absurd enough already,

here's a little background on this yoga program that was allegedly Buddhist propaganda and not Hindu. First of all, it's not. It's not Buddhist propaganda. That's dumb. Also, the yoga program worked. It had positive results. Following the introduction of these basic yoga classes at Bullard Elementary, the school reported a 33% drop in behavior violations by the kids.

And it's also just generally healthy to stretch your muscles. That's good. And the protein filaments of actin and myosin don't really care about the historical origin of stretching. No, they really don't. But, to be fair, I would like to place a large amount of money on

nobody who protested this program being able to do a downward dog. Yeah, that was the real root of it. Quit showing off. Yeah, no, I mean, look, I would be a lot more comfortable if we called this like a stretching and meditation class or something instead of yoga. But I'm certainly not fire people levels of committed to this. Yeah, but my favorite part is the thing that Christian parents especially freaked out about. And that was the use of a children's book called Peaceful Piggy Meditation.

They were mad about the thing I just said, Peaceful Piggy Meditation. They got mad. These parents thought this was Buddhist indoctrination, which is weird because the author of that book is a Judeo-Christian, actually a jewish person which is the part of the term they're not so excited about but more importantly these people even held a prayer rally for jesus to quote rid the school of buddhism peaceful piggy buddhism yep despite that book having again literally zero mention of buddhism or hinduism yeah uh And it only very briefly mentions that kids should terrorize Rohingya Muslims. So it's like it's benign. Mostly, it's just a pig being nice to other pigs, which is apparently anti-Christian somehow.

I mean, Heath, how many demons were in those pigs? We don't know. No, I mean, look, a Jewish author didn't use a pig to represent moral purity. That's all we're saying. Asking the hard questions. Skeptics. And in poxy clean news tonight, after a massive

expose in Wired Magazine last week, Amazon.com, may you've heard of it, has removed harmful... It's not New York. Yeah, it's not New York. you've heard of it has removed harmful it's not new york yeah it's not new york they have removed harmful pseudoscientific books from their website on how to cure autism by among other things feeding your child bleach yeah i mean glad to hear it but it feels like a weird system just maybe from now on they don't sell books about

ass fracking the autism away with bleach until there's an expose that proves that does work yeah that would be the as a little logical order but like of course we do live in a world where at least somebody learned that the chlorine ass fracking doesn't work when they read it in Wired last week. So weird. And even more terrifying, some people read it in Wired last week and still didn't learn it. Yeah. That's a weirder slice. You know what are great?

Gatekeepers. Gatekeepers, everybody. I miss them. Yeah. So in the expose, a search for autism cure on Amazon yielded hundreds of books offering dangerous pseudoscientific cures that recommended, quote, a long list of unproven and dangerous autism cures, including sex, yoga, camel milk, ECT and veganism, end quote. Great. So not only are these books dangerous to people with autism, they're also going to throw shade at a great little afternoon of sex, yoga, camel milk, and electric convulsions. Fuck these people.

I feel like if you're trying to sell sex, you wouldn't have to make up side benefits, would you? You'd think. You would think. However, perhaps most dangerously of all, before the correction, there were dozens of books recommending chlorine dioxide,

otherwise known as the miracle mineral solution, otherwise known as fucking bleach. Yeah, and seriously, I was not exaggerating before about the ass bleach thing. A bunch of parents decided that drinking bleach was a little too half-assed. So they started giving their kids enemas using that miracle mineral solution.

Yeah, they did. Yeah. And it gets worse. It was pointed out in the article that people who purchased or even just searched for autism cures were literally presented with chlorine dioxide water purifier as a recommended item. Jesus Christ. Just one little piece of code. Never also recommend bleach drinking. Just as one line of code right there.

Yeah, like under the customers also bought section, it just says pretty much whatever we told them. I mean, picture of the Brooklyn Bridge. Right, but as we said, these books have been removed, which is a good step, I guess. But if anything, I think this story serves as a pretty

important reminder that literally everything evil and stupid on the internet requires dozens of not evil stupid people to let it happen hey yeah right and quick before anybody realizes that we're also a stupid thing on the internet we're going to turn things over to my lovely wife lucinda a new wired expose shows that podcasts are the best. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what's smart. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny.

So, of course, this news broke the day after last week's episode came out. Because for the sake of my blood pressure, the national news media wanted to make sure I'd have several days to stew over it before I had to come on and talk to you guys. Now, we've talked about Scott Lloyd on this segment before. He's the jackass theocrat that Trump installed as the head of the Office of Refugee Resettlement, despite having an all but aggressive lack of qualifications. What qualifications he did have were things like being a vociferous activist against abortion and contraception and not loving Jesus. And when his name came up last time, it was in conjunction with a young refugee that was pregnant as a result of rape.

She came to the U.S., had the money to get an abortion, had the means to get herself back and forth from the clinic, and jumped through all the ridiculous hoops conservatives have placed between women and their own bodies. But still, the ORR denied her the abortion, even though they had no legal right to do so. Well, the ACLU took care of that one, and a class action suit by 18 other young women showed us that this was a long way from an isolated incident. But the latest chapter of this story broke Friday night on the Rachel Maddow show. See, thanks to a FOIA request by a government watchdog agency, the ORR just had released all the documentations they were keeping on these girls. After all, if you're on a

mission from God to stop girls from getting abortions, you have to know if they're pregnant and stuff, right? So how was the ORR tracking that kind of stuff? Well, it turns out it's through a dystopian spreadsheet so vile, Margaret Atwood asked to be buried alive just so she could roll over in her grave. They released a 28-page document that tracked the menstrual cycles of girls between the ages of 12 and 17. That was somebody's job, or as the spreadsheet indicates, several people's job. The document also contains information like whether they were pregnant, the date of their last menstrual cycle, or as they spell it, menstrual, whether the pregnancy was the result of consensual sex, and whether they'd expressed an interest in getting an abortion. And as disturbing as this information is, it's far

more disturbing when you remind yourself the purpose it was meant to serve. Scott Lloyd wanted to make sure he could delay abortion requests until an abortion would no longer be legal. And that's not just my take on things. That's what the damn judge found after they had heard the case. And as fucked up as this document is to see, in a strange way, it's actually kind of comforting. to see in a strange way. It's actually kind of comforting because I've said for years that all it would take to galvanize the majority of the side of legal abortion would be seeing a world without it. And this is what you fucking get. You get medical decisions for underage girls being made by a group of people who literally can't spell menstrual. And on that hastily applied

silver lining, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And until death do us part news tonight, thanks to a freedom of information request made to the Scottish government, we learned a little something about ourselves this week. Namely,

when atheists get married, we stay married, damn it. You, you sound more disappointed than you want to. Anna did a song on this episode, Eli. She's going to listen to this. I said we are happy.

I'm great. Everything's great. Thank you. That's right. According to BBC 4, humanist marriages are the least likely to end in divorce, and the couples married in them are three times less likely to end in divorce than Roman Catholic marriages in them are three times less likely to end in divorce than roman

catholic marriages more than two times less likely to divorce than the church of scotland marriages and four times less likely to divorce than civil marriages because those aren't real and everyone knows what yeah no i believe my wife and i are three years away from beating all the Pentecostal marriages in our town combined. Nice. Okay, well, I don't really care about this stat. What else do we do better? That's a great question, Heath. Atheists are older, so we are better at being alive.

We are richer. And we're better educated than everyone else. And those are huge factors in divorce. Yeah, right. Okay, so like all the things. We're just better in are huge factors in divorce. Yeah. Okay, so like all the things. We're just better in general as people. Yeah. Yeah, Heath. You, me, and Eli were pretty much

the cream of the crop. Peaks of humanity. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Seeds of the eugenics project right here. Yeah, you can tell we're peaks of humanity by the way Eli spelled peak. I'm changing spelling.

That's how good. He spelled it P-I-Q-U-E. It was weird. Yeah. However, I should point out the Catholic Bishops Conference of Scotland has had some objections

to this study. Even though the study only compared humanist and other religious marriages, according to the representative of the International Child Rape Cabal, quote, the average length of marriages in Scotland is around 30 years. Humanist marriages have been available for around 13 years. It will be at least 17 years before we can determine whether humanist marriages last any longer than religious marriages.

End real quote. That's amazing. I mean, really, technically, we need to wait like 87 more years because 100 is how many percents there are. Yeah, right. 13 years. We need 87 more percents before you have the regular can't be three eights of an inch there ain't even eight eight inches in there right i will be in jail for fucking a kid by then anyway so i'm passing passing the buck or the fuck a child if you

will i'm just saying fractions are a ponzi scheme by safe either way good to know that when one of you lucky ladies does manage to nail down heathen right you're stuck with him yeah well there's that and in fourth estate sale news tonight secretary of state and sapient loaf of zealotry mike pompeo held a conference call for the press this week but i don't love jesus enough to tell you what it was about yes in hopes that by violating two clauses in the first amendment at the same time he might double negative his way back into constitutionality pompeo took a massive shit on both freedom of the press and freedom of religion by holding a press briefing for only faith-based media and unlike virtually every other conference call

with the media ever held by a secretary of state no transcript of this one was released cool cool cool cool a secret press conference that makes sense those words together make sense for theocrats fun normal having a normal one, the United States is. Double secret approbation. Yeah, there you go. I should point out, by the way, that the transcript isn't the only thing we're missing. We also have no public record of who was invited on this call, right? So we can't tell if faith-based just meant Christian in this instance, and we have every reason, of course, to believe that it did. I'm sure that's what it means.

Right, so obviously the FFRF is as pissed about this as you are ffrf staff attorney ryan jane released a statement that reads in part quote holding an informational media call that is open only to members of the media with your preferred religious viewpoint as anathema to the constitutional obligation to treat all americans equally regardless of their affiliation end quote adding quote not only does it trample the core founding value of american democracy that is freedom of the press but it sends the message to the fast-growing number of non-religious americans that they are of secondary concern to their own government end quote and i mean to be fair to pompeo if non-religious americans are

just now getting that message it's not pompeo's fault. I mean. Also, by the way, this briefing will self-destruct in five seconds. Yeah. Pompeo threw a fucking smoke bomb and ducked under the podium. Guarantee that's what happened. Right.

But the audience were Christian, so they were like, he turned into smoke. Gather him. All right. But okay, so here's the most terrifying thing, though. Imagine what was discussed.

Based on what we know of Mike Pompeo. The notion that he was giving religious media like a rapture update based on sensitive U.S. intelligence is at least as likely as anything else. That would be my bet. That's the most likely scenario. Yeah, right. That's where my money would be on that table we're talking about a guy whose brief tenure as head of cia was so theocratic that foreign policy story about it was titled more white more male more jesus this is a guy who says the rapture is a real thing we have to worry about in public constantly this is a guy who railed against the evils of homosexuality and multiculturalism he called on the c CIA to stop diversifying its workforce.

He talks openly about the global war between Christianity and Islam that he thinks is currently happening. Of all the people that could be holding press conferences in secret with Brian Fisher and Pat Robertson, he's probably number two in terms of scariest. Top five, at least. Right. And also, like like taking bets. You guys know he smushed a horse.

And a locust together. And he had it under a curtain. Right. That had to happen. And finally tonight. We have a story out of northern Kentucky. About a highly contagious disease. But sadly. It does not involve. an Ebola outbreak at Covington Catholic.

Yet. Wink. Wink. Instead, it's about a chickenpox outbreak at a Catholic school a few towns over. After discovering 32 cases of a preventable infection that we have a vaccine for, the Assumption Academy, which is a great name for a Catholic school. They decided to prevent anyone without chickenpox immunity from going into places full of chickenpox and helping spread the outbreak. And that sounds pretty reasonable, I think. That sounds pretty reasonable, I think. But that's when Jerome Kunkel, an 18-year-old pro-life anti-vaxxer student, again named Jerome Kunkel, decided to sue the Northern Kentucky Health Department for telling his school to protect him and the rest of their community from a goddamn plague.

Your Honor, my name is Jerome Kunkel. No, case dismissed. You're going to need to change that also. This is what bullshit euphemisms have done to our language, though, right? Like one cannot be a pro-life anti-vaxxer. And yet even the logical people are forced to use those words in that order sometimes. Yeah. So many people know chicken pox as that thing you got when you were

five that made you itchy for a few days. But for me, I was itchy for that entire decade, so I barely noticed it. But chicken pox is capable of literally killing people sometimes, too. But apparently those aren't the people that pro-lifers like Jerome Kunkel are talking about when they say pro-life. They're talking about a five-day-old ball of cum about a tenth of a millimeter in size that sometimes doesn't become a person but contains stem cells that can be used for some amazing life-saving stuff. And that life-saving stuff is a big problem for pro-lifers, which is why Kunle refuses on religious grounds to be vaccinated he's pretty sure that the vaccine for chicken pox contains little pieces of dead baby in it what um it does not to be clear does not contain that that's not how fucking stem cells

work oh jesus christ it's not like the body of baby christ you fucking idiots it's not transfigured into the inject god damn it but regardless his lawsuit is claiming that keeping non-immune kids out of school during an outbreak is a violation of his religious right of ignorant participation in an outbreak i guess right no it's it's great that thinks demonstrably untrue thing is legally protected now that's a great compromise that we made there yeah homophobia immutable characteristics of race sex and what demon you think will burn you forever if you displease it what can we say those are the tenants of freedom yeah and i just want to know what the fuck they think was

happening like like somebody was like in a science lab being like all right we still have not cured the chicken pox let's ramp this up uh think of some weird stuff uh what if we take some chunks of a fetus from inside a pregnant lady and then just shoot that stuff into kids i know i'm just like coming up with crazy stuff and then somebody somebody else was like, yeah, okay, well, that sounds great. But what if we suck out the fetus? I was thinking violently, we suck it out and then we kill it. And then we, you know, like we shave the dead baby over a syringe, you know, like fresh Parmesan, just kind of grate it right over the top. And the rest of the room was like, huzzah, perfect. This is great. Catholics are going to be so mad when they get to hell. High five.

All right. Well, now that Heath got us all hungry, I guess we have to close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Azul. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here to be the voice of fantasy and adventure.

Hi. I'm Carl the Pug-a-Pug-a-Corn. You know, when you're a Pug-a-Pug-a-Corn, it's hard to meet other Pug-a-Pug-a-Corns. I mean, sure, there's the internet, but we never get together in person. Luckily, that's not the case for atheists, which is why you should come see the guys live at the American Atheist Convention in Cincinnati, April 19th through the 21st. There's going to be games, great speakers, great talks, and a chance to meet other people who don't believe in invisible sky stuff. So go to aacon2019.org for more info and get your tickets before they sell out. The American Atheist Convention. I'll be there. Will you?

The first time we read the Bible, I did so under the naive hope that being able to honestly say I've actually read it from cover to cover would serve as some type of advantage when I try to tell Christian people what was in it. But alas, they're still not willing to take my word for it. So, in the perhaps even naiver hope that it'll make a difference if I'm able to say, okay, I've read it cover to cover and acted it out, we present another installment of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater.

And kill people who worship other gods, and people who are mean to their dad, and people who worship other gods, and wishes, and people who worship other gods. Oh, oh, and people who worship other gods. Third thing. And Moses took the book of the covenant and read in the audience of the people. So, what do you think? Uh, there's super specific rape rules. But not a don't rape rule.

Did you guys notice there's not a don't rape? I did notice that, yes. Are you guys in or are you out? I mean, I guess so. Maybe a rule about the rate. Yeah, sure. Then went up Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and

seventy of the elders of Israel, and they did look upon the Lord. It's his feet. Yep, God's feet. Yep. God's feet. Um,

are they standing on like a Sapphire carpet? Sapphire carpet. Pretty amazing, huh? Yeah, it is, uh, neat.

Neat. Exactly. It is neat. What do you mean it's neat? It's just that I I mean they're giant feet. And there's carpet. Yeah and the carpet.

That is also cool. But I don't know. I thought the creator of the universe would be a little bit more er. Oh you're done. I don't know. I just thought the creator of the universe would be a little bit more. Oh, you're done. Yeah. A bit more something though.

Yeah. Yeah. Think it. Okay. Well, I'm going to go up and get some commandments for 40 days and 40 nights. So see ya. Oh,

okay. Uh, so we just defeat. That's all we get to see. Just defeat. Okay. So, just the feet? That's all we get to see, just the feet? Yeah, I guess we head back down and tell people about the feet. I think maybe I saw some shin. Did you? No.

Okay. I wonder what he's going to do up there for 40 days. And I want a blue cloth and a red cloth and myrrh. Wow. Quite a list. Silver and brass. Yeah, it's the whole chapter with bliss. Oh, shit.

And incense. Moses? I also want like a special. Hey, see, usually Eli is in these. But it's just for me. I'm sorry, who? That's cool, though. Super duper. Sorry, no, who? That's cool, though.

Sorry, no, it's like a meta thing. But you are here. You're here, son. I am here. I am Moses, leader of the Jews. Cool. Cool. So.

Just us, then. While God finishes this very long list. With a gold roof. Just us. And a gold crown. You really do go for those S's though. What? Each of those crowns on top. Just nothing.

To have its own little mini golden crown. You know what I've been getting into lately? What's that? Uncross the wolf. Golden ring. Okay. Two on one side, two on the other. Furniture instructions. Furniture instructions.

Furniture instructions. Guys, there's like four chapters of furniture instructions. Yeah, that's the book. Okay, question. Point of order. How do we make that funny? Ooh, ooh, I got it. Hello. Welcome to Cottery Barn. How can I help? Wow. funny. Ooh, ooh, I got it.

Uh-oh. Welcome to Goddery Barn. How can I help? Wow. This place is huge. And yet somehow empty. How do you guys stay in business? Uh-oh. We don't know. Cool. Okay. Well, my wife and I are looking for some

tabernacle stuff. Oh, well, you've come to the right place, sir. Tabernacle stuff is in sections one and three. Here, have a map. This is really your map? Yes. It's literally a maze. Yes. It's literally a maze. Uh, yes. Why don't you just have normal aisles like every other store in the world?

Um, again, uh, we don't know. Okay, okay. So, uh, we were thinking of something in gold, right? You got that? Hmm. Well, you might, you might like the Varnklerten. Uh, it's right here next to the cafeteria. You have a cafeteria in the furniture store?

Oh, yes. Yeah, it serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Okay, just why, though? Seems like an incredibly odd thing to put in the middle of a furniture store. It is. Right? odd thing to put in the middle of a furniture store. It is. Yeah, again, we don't know, but I am really good as a short fry cook. Okay. Well,

we are gonna go have a really loud, screamy fight for no reason. So, thank you. There's a reason. Well, alright. Of course you are. Good day. day yep thank you for your help uh not a problem i don't want pink curtains on the tabernacle okay well i'm gay i'm a gay man that's right i will never find you attractive physically impossible

okay but then after that it's just like another entire chapter about priest clothing oh uh clothing okay what about this this week on project noneway moche this week you are challenged to create holy garments for glory and beauty. Carson, what did you think? Yeah, I've got to say, I think your ephod was an e-dod, and your mitre might have been better. Tim? Yeah, the assignment was to carve 12 names of the son of Israel into the garment, and what I'm seeing here is barely eight.

Oh, thank you, judges. Morty, I'm sorry. You are out. You may leave the runway. Was, uh, was that a television show I was supposed to recognize? Come on! You don't watch Project Runway? Oh, okay, you do watch project

runway uh for purposes of this skit my wife likes that show no because i love that show is what i was you didn't let me finish don don don did you hear me i said i also love that show because you see all right and now there's and then and then there's just animal sacrifice stuff for like you didn't respond another full chapter done oh i got an idea's just animal sacrifice stuff for like another full chapter. Oh, I got an idea for the animal sacrifice stuff. Welcome back to Sacrifice of Spice. Today, we're going to be anointing a priest. So we're going to be sacrificing a bullock.

Now, you want to make sure you get to really get the blood all over the horns of the altar. But don't waste it. Because bam! You're going to pour the rest of it into a golden bowl at the feet of the altar. You ready, bully? Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo Was that the Gattaca quote in Cow? It was, remember? Amazing. From last week, and then Citation Needed.

Right, from those other shows. Yeah. Okay, guys. Next chapter, there's daily sacrifices, the tax thing, a perfume recipe. All right. I have an idea. I'm Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure?

Yes. Don Ford. Voice of Fantasy and Adventure. So, what do you think? It was good. I loved it. I loved it Don Don

Don did you hear me when I said I loved it just now oh oh and it's like really important to me that everyone take off the seventh day for the Sabbath sir thing no no no I mean like if you catch anyone working on a Saturday,

I need you to kill that motherfucker. I'm sorry, kill him? Yep. I'm going to repeat it three fucking times in the book. If anyone works on the Sabbath, kill him. Fucking end his life. You hear me? End it.

I mean, that alone is going to ruin any moral authority this book might have had, isn't it? Saturday, Sunday, executive time, or you fucking die. This is not negotiable. This is in the book. Okay. Okay. All right. That does it. Good. Why don't you take these tablets? I wrote them. I wrote them with my own finger. Okay, but this looks like crayon. My own finger and some crayon. I'm sorry, is this your signature? Yeah, that is my real signature.

Wow. It's crazy. Right? It's like, I feel like we could have convinced most people you were crazy if we just bought a billboard with your signature. I know. It looks like a little kid who doesn't know how to write yet. Imitation of a signature. It does.

Right? Boy, he sure has been up there a long time. Yeah, what's the deal, Aaron? Guys, guys, calm down. Let's not overreact to a little absence, okay? We all just witnessed God use literal magic to part the sea, kill our enemies, and free us from slavery. Let's not lose faith just because Moses has been gone for 14 days, you know?

It's actually 15 days. Oh, well, in that case, you guys want to make a golden cow and worship it? Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Absolutely. I'm partial to my gold. What about silver? No, going with gold. Wasn't looking for feedback.

Bronze? You guys want to do bronze? No, we're not doing notes. Not doing notes. Fine. I'm a normie. Okay, guys, thanks so much for the tablets. I think they're going to be really...

Wait a second. What's up? Those motherfuckers. I just checked, and they made a giant golden cow, and they're worshiping it. I'm going to kill all of them, Moses. I'm going to kill all of them right now. Are you sure you want to do that?

Because, you know, if you do, the lame stream media is just going to say that you only brought them out of Egypt to kill them, which, to be fair, based on your omniscience, is true. Yeah, you know what? You're right. Okay, I'm not going to kill them all. It is weird that there's a part of the book where you talk me out of genocide.

It is weird, yes. Oh, Aaron, you were so right. This is way better without clothes. Right? Look, it's like a helicopter. Uh-oh, he's here. Seriously? Oh, it's like a helicopter. Uh-oh, he's here. Seriously? Oh, shit.

Guys, I was gone for like ten seconds and you all started worshipping a golden cow and dancing naked? Sorry. I am so upset with you. You broke your tablet. It was on purpose. Oh. Okay. Oh, okay. Aaron, what say you? Uh, right.

Well, everyone was getting antsy, so I suggested we melt down our gold and warship it. That's a great answer. Good job. I was on the spot. I was on the spot. Okay, okay. Well, now you're all going to melt this idol down and drink it. Could have said so many other things. What?

Drink it. Oh. And, and God is going to plague you. And if you're really sorry, you will go kill your family and your neighbors. Oh, man. Come on. Really? God. This, man. Come on. Really? This is actually in the book.

It is absolutely in the book. All right. With all that killing out of the way, who's ready for a land of milk and honey? Huh? That sounds awesome. Okay, get out of here, you crazy kids. Just follow my directions.

I'm not going to come with you because you know me. You're going to get all stiff-necked. I'm going to murder you all. Yeah, that's so you. I know, I know, it is. But I mean, but come on, God, you got to come with us. Okay, okay, I'll come. But Moses, you know, don't get mad if I fly into a rage,

very obviously surprised by something that's happened and then kill all of you classic you I wouldn't I know I know you wouldn't you always hey God yes Moses before we go can I see your face

no Moses you'd die but you want to see my back parts? I mean, sir. Hit it, Sarah. Apple-bottom jeans, boots with a fur. Yeah, work it. Fucking work it. What'd that booty do? What'd that booty do?

This book is weird. Right? What'd it do What that booty do This book is weird Right What it do Drop it Okay commandments Take two here are your new tablets Thanks Go forth to Israel yada yada

Don't work on the sabbath or I'll kill you No golden cows Yeah I'm super sorry about that. I bet you're sorry about that. Kill everybody that lives there. Oh, also, kill everybody that lives where you go. And don't worry, no one's ever going to oppose you. Okay, that's going to work out super.

Yeah, trust me, it's going to be great. Oh, and here. My face. It's so shiny. Exactly, shiny face. Now, get out there and tell the Jews. Jews, hear me. I come from the Lord with...

Yes, question. Sorry, there's like a really bad glare coming off your face. It's super distracting. Yep. Oh, sorry. Is this better? Oh, that's much better. Okay, okay.

Jews, hear me when I say I'm... Actually, there's still kind of a little bit on the bottom. Yes, on the bottom, too. Can you cover your whole face, like all of it? Is this better? Well, yes, but now we can't hear you.

Oh, screw it. And then God talks about the stuff he wants some more. Yeah, did it. And then they build him the tabernacle. The one he just described. Yeah, the one he literally just described. You know what that means. Hi, I'm Bezalel.

And I'm Aholiab. Is that how it's pronounced? Sure, why not? And this is Extreme Home Makeover Tabernacle Edition. This week we'll be making a tabernacle for the Hebrew God. So, your interests are getting angry and killing people. That's right, Beach Ball. I do. I am so excited. Okay, well...

Move that bus! Oh, wow. That's right, 20 boards on the south with 40 silver sockets, just like you asked. Oh man, this is... this is so wonderful. This is... Right, but that's not all. wonderful. This is... Right, but that's not all. Oh my me! You made holy garments for my priests. It is... It is just exactly what I have

always wanted. I know. Oh. God. God. What's the matter, buddy? It's just, you know, ever since the first time I killed the world,

I thought to myself, wow, I'm going to have to do this again. But honestly, thanks to you, I might not ever kill the world because of this tabernacle. I mean, I am just going to fill this tabernacle with fire during the day and a cloud at night.

I mean it, every night. Let me tell you. You'll get it, buddy. Well, that's great. I think. I am gay. You are. It's distracting. And that's it. Exodus, everybody. So I was thinking for Leviticus.

Wait, wait, wait. That's it? That's Exodus? I mean, that's all of Exodus, yes. Yeah, we have like four million more chapters. Yeah. What about Moses dying and like the other Bible stuff? That's all in the next book, Eli.

I read ahead. Love you so much, Don. You should really read ahead. Okay, first of all, no. Second, I don't know. It feels kind of anticlimactic, right? To just end with Don? I mean, yeah.

Some kind of summary does feel adroit here. I agree with Don. Even on the use of adroit there? I don't... Well, I guess... You know, something that reflected the rambling desert

journey of the Jews? Something that tells a story? Something like this. The Lord said unto Moses Son of Egyptians, what you pose as? But it's time that I expose us You were really born a Jew To the Lord replied Moses

So what do you suppose is gonna happen When they know this? Just what am I to do? What he did was end up fleeing He wound up in Median And he found a priest agreeing To give up his daughter's hand Crazy shit he started seeing

Left him guaranteeing That his purpose would be freeing All the Hebrews in the land So upon this holy edict They headed back to Egypt And needed Gershon's weedick When Moses wrestled God The Hebrews didn't dare go, so Moses talked to Pharaoh

with his eyes enraged and narrow and both hands on Aaron's rod. He said, let my people go, but Pharaoh shouted no. And in fear it might be so, tossed down the staff that God empowered to be a snake. But those Egyptians, They also had magicians No mistake Their staffs were hissing And they quickly got devoured

Still Pharaoh unimpressed Left this grieving son redressed And as you might have guessed The plagues are here unveiled The bloody waters soon arise Frogs are falling from the sky Sends a bunch of gnats and flies Epidemics boil and hail

The Hebrews were unpardoned When God's locusts ate the garden Since the Pharaoh's heart was hardened Moses needed one last card to play The firstborn's lying dead The Pharaoh finally said Take all your unleavened bread And go the fuck away They rejoiced, it sounds like thunder

When Pharaoh knuckled under They grabbed a bunch of plunder, took the path that God provided. But with doubts about the route, unto Moses the devout would shout, Guess God's no fucking Eagle Scout, just look where we've been guided. Pharaoh sent his men of war, in hopes to set the score. And the Jews were on the shore, trapped and ready for the slaughter. Moses, feeling like a schmuck, says, God, you've got us stuck. Looks like we're completely fucked until God divides the water.

Forty years of eating man later, Moses talks to his creator. Two actors, God's translator, carve commandments into stone. And on the impatient Jew's behalf, Aaron makes a golden calf, which they pray to bringing wrath, for which no mercy would be shown. In Chapter 24 We just discussed decor Despite there being plenty more important things to tackle. All that shit just gets ignored and we spend 16 chapters bored learning exactly how the Lord wants us to build this tabernacle.

Thank you, Anna. You're way too good for this show. Anyway, before we turn the deadbolt tonight, I want to remind you that Saturday is International Atheist Day, so don't forget to not believe in God on Saturday. Also, there's going to be a bunch of events around the world. One might just be one near you. Check the show notes for a link to find out.

Also, if you're going to be anywhere near Austin, Texas on Saturday, the ACA is doing a whole big thing at the Statehouse. I'm going to be there along with Seth Andrews, Tracy Harris, R.N. Ra, a bunch of others. Starts at 11 and runs for like three hours. Check the show notes or our Facebook page for more information about that one. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting on 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show,

Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would be a little short of luster if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for putting the heat in Heath, Lucinda Lusions for putting the sin in Lucinda,

and Eli Bosnick for fucking up the whole thing in a thing scheme I had going with his weird-ass name. I also need to thank Adam Bosnick for lending us her amazing talents once again this week. I also want to thank the Comedy Suplex Podcart for providing this week's Farnsworth quote slash ego boost.

And despite the name, by the way, they're a podcast with wrestling and comedy and probably suplexes. To find out for sure, be sure to check the link on the show notes for this episode. But most all, of course, I need to thank this week's most benevolent bipeds. Dylan, Eli, Jeff, Liber, Chaos, Kathleen, Aiden, Robert, Alicia, Brandon, and Molly. Dylan, Eli, and Jeff, whose dicks are so big they attract really confused pipeline protesters. Liber, Chaos, Kathleen, Aiden, and Robert, whose IQs are longer than a Staples receipt. And Alicia, Brandon, and Molly, who are so badass, Panthers named their Kung Fu styles after them. Together, these nine noble non-believers nudged our net worths northward to negate the nemesis' natural need to nullify knowledge this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, except the Exodus song, which was written and recorded by Anna Bosnick with lyrics by yours truly and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingavs.com. Mrs. Heath Fantasy and Adventure. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.

Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.