The Scathing Atheist - 321: Ray Comfort Food Edition

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

On this week’s episode: Noah’s too sick to stop a LOT of things from happening that shouldn’t ... We learn that Ray Comfort REALLY wants to get licked again ... And we pay lip service to Leviticus. For more info about American Atheists’ Annual convention, click here: https://www.aacon2019.org/  To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist  To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1  To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat  To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies  To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/  To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://audioboom.com/posts/7143587-gam178-science-falsely-so-called  Headlines:  Ray Comfort is mad at us: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/05/atheists-made-a-joke-about-ray-comforts-movies-he-says-its-censorship/  Texas will now ban all chaplains from execution chamber to avoid legal problems: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/03/texas-will-now-ban-all-chaplains-from-execution-chamber-to-avoid-legal-problems/  Christian Conspiracy Website WorldNetDaily is on the Verge of Financial Collapse: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/03/christian-conspiracy-website-worldnetdaily-is-on-the-verge-of-financial-collapse/  Liberal Orthodox Yeshiva Won’t Ordain Gay Student Who’s Months from Graduating: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/05/liberal-orthodox-yeshiva-wont-ordain-gay-student-whos-months-from-graduating/  KY man sues hotel boss after she tried exorcising his divorce demons: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/09/ky-man-sues-hotel-boss-after-she-tried-exorcising-his-divorce-demons/

Warning, this week's profanity contains a podcast. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, ZipRecruiter, Wix.com, and by Shoes for Jesus, the pay less lifeway replacement we've all been waiting for. Shoes for Jesus. When there was one pair of footprints, the arch support was fantastic. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey Scathing Crew, this is Glenn from the I'm a bit sick and my voice is fucked podcast.

I am calling you from South Africa, where I'm in the cradle of mankind, the visitor center at Marupeng, seeing some of the fossils and crazy shit here, and I can indeed confirm, we did evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday? It's April 11th. And it's National Cheese Fondue Day. For when melting fat directly into your mouth is just a step too far. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Joe Rogan's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Noah's too sick to stop a lot of things from happening that shouldn't. We learn that Ray Comfort really wants to get licked again. And we pay lip service to Leviticus. But first, the diatribe. Eliatribe. Not calling it that.

Nope. So stop me if you heard this one. Why do you care so much about what other people believe? My answer, I don't. There is nothing more boring to me than the biblically illiterate conglomeration of enlightenment ideas and misquoted Jesus that makes up most Christians' philosophy. Nothing less interesting in what picture fills people's minds while they pray instead of doing something. Nothing so meaningless as the unscientific, uncurious suppositions of what happens when we die. What I do care about are the consequences of those beliefs. See, the reason religious people ask us that question is because when they picture religion, they think of little old ladies and soup kitchens.

And when we picture religion, we picture actual religion. You know, you and I, we know that the second that little old lady walks in the door, there's some asshole waving a collection plate under her nose. We know that the sermon she's going to listen to might just convince her that the loving thing to do is disown her gay grandchild. And we know for sure that no matter what sect in what part of the country she is in, she will be hearing her sermon in a tax rebuilding dedicated to not truth. So you and me, we've read the news stories about the soup kitchens the Christians are so fond of. We've read the news stories about the four-year-olds being refused food if they don't sit still and be quiet during a 30-minute mandatory prayer. We know those soup kitchens spitefully closed down if local laws forced them to feed hungry people, even if they're gay. hungry people, even if they're gay. And we know that if soup kitchening gets boring, these facilities happily turn almost overnight into so-called child welfare centers who give children separated from

their parents at the border to exclusively straight Christian parents for the low, low price of 10,000 bucks a pop. When we think of religion, we don't think about the malformed watches you jerk off version of Santa that some asshole has in his head. We think of the untraceable, untaxed money behind every law ever passed against gay marriage in this country, behind every heartbeat anti-abortion bill, behind every trans bathroom ban, behind the buses that drove the literal Nazis to fucking Charlottesville. There's not an empowered act of evil you can name in this country that hasn't been directly and openly supported by religion. And that's just today, right? Non-existent, God forbid, you and I look back into history.

Whatever you do, don't think about the women who burned at the stake for being witches, for the civilizations destroyed for believing the wrong beliefs in the eyes of believers, for the slaves who were stolen from their home and worked to death because someone believed it was God's command, complete with biblical citations. So next time you're at a dinner party and dare to commit the oh-so-foe-est of pause and mention that no, Virginia, there isn't a Santa Claus, and someone asks you why you care so much what other people believe, you have my permission to ask them something back. Full of the knowledge of the mountains of bodies that religion sits upon,

in the name of every dead gay or trans kid forced to suicide, of every woman lost in her 13th forced childbirth, for every sodomite, blasphemer, apostate, or otherwise other that religion cast aside because it could? You ask them. The question isn't why I care about what others believe. The question is why you don't. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the sweet-to-my-potato Heath Enright. Are you ready to have some pun? Yeah, I'm right, I am. All right, before we get into the headlines, we'll pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Heath, did you pack your... Hey, buddy.

What's up? Just relaxing. I can see that. You got your beach chair and your coconut. This is quite a little spread you got. Well, thanks to how easy stamps.com has made it to get ready

for the American atheists on April 19th. I'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Pete, I know. Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Postal Service

right to your computer. But I don't think that that means you can use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail's ready, just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it off in a mailbox. It's that simple. OK, yeah, I mean, we use it for all our right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and digital scale without any long-term commitment just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in scathing that's

stamps.com enter scathing how did you fill the living room with sand? I guess is my question. A bucket. Like a lot of buckets though, right? Yes. Many buckets. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight,

Ray Comfort is mad at us and we could not be happier. This is my favorite. Big day. So apparently Ray Comfort is mad at us and we could not be happier. This is my favorite. Big day. So apparently Ray Comfort heard about the God awful movie show that we're doing at the American Atheists Convention here in beautiful Cincinnati swing state on April 19th. And he heard that we featured several of his terrible poisonous movies on our show. We have. several of his terrible poisonous movies on our show.

We have. So he stopped whatever he was doing, which almost certainly involved harassing a random teenager on the street while the kid was just trying to come down from a really long acid trip. That's apparently what he's always doing. And then Ray Comfort stepped away from that activity and spent time and energy putting together a video response to us that includes a revenge plot. And yes, it's a revenge plot that involves ice cream. It's an adorable revenge plot.

Okay. And to be fair to Ray, we've done four atheism conventions on three continents. His marketing isn't wrong. You know what I'm saying? Excellent point. It's not not the way to reach us. Correct. So here's the backstory.

The convention sent out a promotional email last week that mentioned our show. And apparently Ray Comfort has a team of spies that sign up for emails like that and report back to him. They had meetings to set that up. He was like, get the emails. I need spies on this. He did that. So he saw a description of god-awful movies that mentioned

how we've reviewed his catalog of quote, films. The email also said, these movies need taking down because of the harmful, even deadly messages they send, which is accurate. And thanks to Ray Comfort being, well, mostly illiterate, I guess his immediate response was to start mumbling to himself about

censorship and Christian persecution while he angrily wrote up a script for his big video response. Yeah. With this literal reaction, I got to be honest. I feel bad about all the times we've said, fuck Ray Comfort. Ray, it's a turn of speech, buddy. It's okay. He is not coming for your fluids. He is not familiar with the turn of speech called turn of speech. So he has no idea what he's saying right now. Are you going to tan in a circle? Here is the dancing back that we got from ray comfort he announced the following to the audience of atheists that he seems to think he has okay actually uh eli you got this you got a ray comfort i've got it i'm ready okay you want to warm up your ray comfort for a second thank you all right excellent here we go. Here it is.

Okay. If you belong to American Atheists, you received a newsletter this week from your leaders warning you about our movies. They don't think you're intellectually mature enough to handle seeing any of them. And begin fake context here. In fact, they're calling for a censorship. I'm going to stop you right there. Nope. And begin out of context, quote, here of the email. They're calling for a censorship of,

quote, the entire catalog of Ray Kampen's films. End quote. They said these movies need to, quote, taking down because of the harmful, even deadly messages they send? That's where he closes out his ransom note patchwork of partial quotes that he slapped together. And apparently he thinks the phrase taking down means we're planning to pull his movies down from the physical existing large rack of every movie ever.

That's a real physical thing at world movie headquarters. And then we're going to burn them like Fahrenheit 451. I don't know. He cannot read. That is the plan. Ray, buddy, I don't know how to break it to you, but I've seen our download numbers and I've seen your YouTube numbers.

We make up a significant part of your viewer base. A thank you, maybe a thank you Sunday is what I'm saying. Huge for him. Yeah. Yeah. He could love you. He could write off stuff that he gives us. And we've spent so much more time with you than anyone else.

Yep. much more time with you than anyone else yep and uh by the way once he finished editing some persecution into existence like that he made the following big offer he's screening his new movie that same weekend at ken ham's arc encounter theme park in nearby williamstown kentucky it's actually pretty close to cincinn. And anyone from the convention who brings their badge down to the Arc Park and says out loud that they're an atheist, he'll give them a free signed book and a free banana split.

And he's in. I am. You want us? I am in. I want vegan ice cream, Ray. Yeah. I'm going to make a scene. A scene. He's giving out I am. You want us? I am in. I want vegan ice cream, Ray. Yeah. I'm going to make a scene. A scene.

He's given out free banana splits because, you know, bananas prove the earth was created by a racist wizard 6,000 years ago. And they also prove that Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort really need a penis inside of them, like more than anyone's ever needed a penis inside of them before. And by the way, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you really need to Google Ray Comfort banana or something like that and watch that video called Banana, the Atheist's Nightmare. It's priceless. It's pretty good. He made a movie about how you're laughing at him. And in life after death row news,

thanks to a Supreme Court ruling last week, the state of Texas was forced to delay the execution of a Buddhist man after prison officials refused to allow the inmate to have a Buddhist clergyman inside the execution chamber. And this little holdup really killed the mood for texas so they took immediate action to make their murdering policy more scotus friendly i guess they're like all right uh no wrong answers how do we fix this um i'm thinking just off the top of my head, we could stop executing human beings. Sorry.

Sorry. No, just fucking around. Just fucking around. Keeping it light. Keeping it light. Having fun. Okay. We could let everyone have the same rights.

Yeah. No, sorry. Sorry. I was on a roll. I was on a roll. Or, and this is what we're doing. I'm the only one in this meeting. We could ban everyone from having a chaplain in the room when they get murdered by the state with the poison that we own

in our state for murdering people. So that's the new rule. Yep. Fine. Nobody gets a murder, buddy, was the actual decision a state made. Yep, that happened. And just for the record, this exact same situation came before the Supreme Court earlier this year, and they made the exact opposite ruling. Back in February, a Muslim inmate in Alabama was denied the presence of an imam at his execution. And the Supreme Court said Alabama law says only state employees in the execution room. And pretty sure we don't need to check. We all know Alabama didn't hire any Muslims to be a job. Should have got your people hired. Execute green light. So that's what they did. And I'm pretty sure a concurring opinion also added. What? I can't hear you.

Couldn't hear what you're saying. Sure. I hope he doesn't get executed while we're trying to fix this audio problem. And he's dead. He died. Yeah. So that guy got executed. That's what happened.

And look, as atheists, it can be hard to sympathize with which walkie talkie to God people want in the room as we murder them. Yeah. It seems like a lot else is wrong with that situation. But as Noah pointed out in his diatribe at the time, the reason this decision got made is because fuck not Christians. And that matters.

There's no other reasoning you could possibly have for this. Yep. Yep. So the ruling about Alabama, here's the problem with this. That basically gave Texas the answer key on how to make our nation's top legal scholars happy about killing people with poison. Except Texas, they took that answer key and they went one step further. And they just said, like you said before, no death buddies at all. They'll allow a chaplain

in the viewing room, but not in the chamber itself, which actually works out great because I am my own personal clergyman. So Texas can't murder me. That's perfect. They'll be like,

Keith, get back in the room. No, no, I'm my clergy. Damn it. Yep. Got us there. I do. Can't state murder him. Nothing you can do until you change your rule and make tomorrow my execution day.

Yeah. That's basically what they're doing. Yeah. So Texas went with the, I'm going to call it crazy alcoholic dad thing. And now nobody gets any ice cream assholes just staring at his kids while he shits into a thing of briars and locks eyes with them. Alright, happy?

Nobody gets it now. Great. Now it's time to murder you. I'm pro-life. That's what they say. Yep. Alright, well on that note, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, ZipRecruiter. Hey, Eli, what you doing there?

Oh, I was trying to replace Noah. What with him lazily taking a day off once every seven years. I just think we need someone with a bit more work ethic. Yeah, totally agree. So, why don't we use ZipRecruiter? Oh, yeah. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards. But they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. That's right. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web

address. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. All right, let's give it a try. All right, here we go. slash scathing. All right, let's give it a try. All right, here we go. It's David Silverman. Oh, yeah, I guess he would be free. ZipRecruiter, the smarter way to hire. Do we? No, no. No, we do not. Okay. Would have liked you to know that right away. And we're back. And in good riddance news tonight, Christian Conspiracy website and source of some of our show's favorite

crazy, worldnetdaily.com is on the verge of financial collapse, according to an article published in the Washington Post earlier this week, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer group of folks. Yeah, easily one of the nicer hate groups out there. So, yeah. Yeah.

Weird flex, but okay. Okay. I'm glad they're failing. So for those of you who don't know about Christian hate groups until you retweet them, here's the scoop on World Net Daily. They were founded by Joseph Farah as a spinoff of the Western Journalism Center, a literal dark money white supremacist organization. They were founded in 1997, and the WND has published everything from anti-gay conspiracy theories

to Vince Foster trutherism, and of course, most famously, birtherism. Yep. That's right., birtherism. Yep. That's right. Obama birtherism. Farrah, the founder of the company, offered a $15,000 donation to the hospital listed on Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate, but then when he produced it, he called back cease. That all happened.

Yeah. he called backseats that all happened yeah but just think about how far the overton window had to move toward nazi in this country for these guys to be no longer profitable like they grew out of a dark money white supremacist group and now the modern day alt-right is like boo regressive centrists i'll get the real news at Breitbart. Boo. Liberals. Wow. Yeah.

Well, it turns out that despite the stellar journalism record and being listed on the website of the SPLC, the WMD isn't exactly raking in the dough. In fact, it seems for the last few years, their business model has been, how do I put this, conning and not paying crazy people who think they're going to get a book published. Yeah, kind of like Twitter, right? Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. From Republican Senator Tom Coburn to evil bitch lady who tried to sell a book about her fake cancer cure. It seems WND collected almost $10,000 a person on the promise of publication and then never delivered. And on top of that, they have fired massive amounts of their staff.

But here's my favorite part. When the Washington Post reached out to Farrah's wife and co-founder of WND, she was like, it's no big deal. They're just whiners. And then literally hours later, they announced that Joseph Farah had had a stroke and was stepping back from the company, which is always a good sign.

And by stepping away from the company, you mean literally fleeing the scene of a crime. Yeah, I do. Either way, World Net Daily, on your way out, those beautiful golden doors, we will miss you.

We will. In the arms of the house Are you doing a montage right now? What's happening? Yeah, the headlines are passing in front. Great. Now, audio medium is perfect.

Sorry. Sorry. You can finish the audio medium is perfect. Sorry. Sorry. You can finish the song if you want, though. Legally, I don't think I can. All right. Legally, moving on. And we'll take a break for a word from our sponsor, Wix.com. Hello?

Hi. Is Mr. Enright there? Okay. I mean, Sketch already doesn't make sense because I answered the phone. Okay, can you just go with it though? Okay, sorry. Speaking. Hi, I'm calling from Big Scam SEO Company.

I wanted to talk to you about getting latercheese.com on the front page of Google. Oh, no thanks. I use wix.com actually. What's wix.com? It's the best and easiest way to build a website. Oh, one of those expensive website builder sites, huh? Not actually. You can start and publish your Wix website for free.

Wait, for free? But what about SEO? Well, all Wix.com sites include built-in SEO tools. And when you're ready to pay, you can use their SEO whiz for a personalized plan. So wait, no landing pages? No white-on-white text in the margins? Nope. Just beautiful websites that are easy to build to get your idea launched.

Get started now by going to Wix.com. That's W-I-X dot com slash podcast to get 10% off. Wix dot com slash podcast, huh? Wait a second. Latercheese.com. Isn't that just cheese? This conversation is over. Isn't that just cheese?

Unbelievable. And we're back. And in we just figured out Jews news tonight, 27-year-old Daniel Atwood was excited to be ordained as Yeshivet Havrechei Torah's first gay rabbi this year, having

spent four years as their first openly gay student. However, to the surprise of absolutely fucking nobody familiar with that school or religion. He was informed last week that he wouldn't be allowed to graduate without any explanation. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Just you're still missing a P.E. credit. We realized in penis vagina ball. This is a new requirement. You got to get that P.E. credit. Crazy. It's at the bottom. You got to read.

Now, the president of the school claims that atwood sexuality is not the problem saying quote we accept all students regardless of sexual orientation provided they are fully committed to orthodox halakhic observance end quote um which you know being a gay engaged man cohabitating with his partner definitely violates. So like it would. To be fair, though, they did accept him. They just won't graduate him. They didn't lie.

That was the exact wording on their policy. Come to the school. As long as we will take his money. And look, I am sympathetic to Daniel. I really am. He's 27. He spent four years studying nothing. And now he can't even get his degree in nothing. No piece of paper, right?

That said, perhaps if Daniel was looking for a job in a sector that was accepting of his lifestyle, he might have chosen, you know, literally any job but religion. lifestyle, he might have chosen, you know, literally any job but religion. And before we feel too bad for Daniel, just a reminder, he is getting his ordination. He's just not getting it at that school. And, you know, he's going to spend the rest of his life lying to people about what a book says while not paying taxes. What I'm saying is temper your sympathy. Temper your sympathy. Done. It was tempered. There we go. We found it. And finally tonight, the state of Kentucky is not doing great with their local news recently. Nope. Also not recently. They're not doing well with local news in the history of the state of Kentucky. But just focusing on 2019,

they sent a high school chapter of the Future Nazis of America Club to Washington, D.C. to harass women and taunt Native Americans. They passed a bill to make it illegal to fuck an animal, but with a bunch of exceptions. By the way, still a few more weeks to legally fuck some animals in Kentucky, if you're interested. Grace period. There's still that grace period. Just so everybody knows, do it. And then they made headlines again this week when a hotel employee had to file a lawsuit against his boss for trying to force him into getting a goddamn exorcism. That happened. We like to do things here as a compliment sandwich, Jeff. You show up to work on time. You're filled with demons. You keep a clean station. And that's important to us.

Yeah. So Jason Fields of Hazard, Kentucky, was working the front desk at a Hampton Inn, and he mentioned to his boss, Sharon Linden, that he was getting a divorce, to which she responded, demons, and then proceeded to insist that he get cleansed of the demons if he wanted to keep working there. In addition to setting up an exorcism for him, she also brought members of her local church to show up at the hotel and pray for him during his shifts in front of hotel guests. And of course, she gave him a pre-exorcism questionnaire to fill out. Sure. Yeah, naturally. And when he refused, she started moving his schedule around and giving him all the bad shifts until he had to quit. Okay, I don't want to blame the victim here, but there is no way Jason's boss didn't show warning signs of being cuckoo for coconuts before he was like, this is the person I want to talk to about my divorce. Probably should have seen something coming.

I don't think that was a surprise. But not quite the question. Like this is, this is out of the ordinary, even for a crazy person in Kentucky. So here's some highlights from the questionnaire. I'm going to leave out a few of the boring questions from the beginning because the list is pretty long, but these are the exact words from the questions that I'm going to read. I'm not even slightly exaggerating. And Eli, just shout them out if you know the answers to any of these. Oh, okay. This is like that deposition we did with Andrew. This is fun. It's not like that, but just, yeah, shout them out. So question one, what is your church background? Straightforward. My computer background is Sadvin Diesel holding a sledgehammer from the last Fast and the Furious movie. Is it really? Yes.

I love that part. Okay. Moving ahead to question four. In one word, who is Jesus Christ to you? Krenicham. I panicked. That was hard to do.

Was that a word? Did you just make up a noise? I made a noise. I thought it might come out. Cren-jam hats. Okay. Question 10. We're going to move ahead a little bit. Have you personally ever had psychiatric counseling?

Have I ever not? That's a better way to phrase that. Eleven. Have you, your parents, or your grandparents been part of any cults? Does religion count? It does. Okay. So, yes.

12. Have you ever made a pact with the devil? I do have Verizon Fios. Yes. Yes, I do. Question 14. Have you ever visited heathen temples? Well, you had that headache headache you said you were stressed just i don't want to just say jewish just ask if he's jewish we know just say it question 15 this might be my favorite one ever this might be my favorite question of all the interrogative statements i've ever seen written in the world. Question 15 on this questionnaire. Do you have any witches, such as good luck kitchen witches,

in your home? I went down a Google rabbit hole because of this question. So deep and so fucking scary. Let me just tell you where this rabbit hole ended. I would love to hear this. This rabbit hole ended at the

pushback against the pushback against people who have good look kitchen witches but aren't witches. That's when I was like, okay, no more internet. It was the people who were mad at the witches who were mad at the people who have witches but

aren't witches. I lost track of the words entirely. I have no idea what you're talking about. It's a puzzle within a maze. What the fuck is a good luck kitchen witch? Did you get to that? I do not want to get into it so far. There are some things that are

not right. I'm going to be covered in cum later in this episode, but I have some things that are not proper. Alright, moving on question 16 do you have lustful thoughts no interesting interesting 17 to your knowledge was there evidence of lust in your family line ever historically i mean i. I exist, so yes, I assume. Good point. I guess, I mean, there can be entirely lustless conception.

Sure. In Kentucky, absolutely. You can fuck an animal and do it. Yeah. Well, it might be lusty, it might not. Anyway, 18. Do you frequently masturbate? A bit. I wonder what they think frequently masturbate? A bit.

I wonder what they think frequently means when they ask that. All right. Anyway, 19. Have you ever been a victim of incest by a family member? I guess. Yeah. While we're on this list of questions to determine if you're the devil, are you the victim of sexual assault? These are in the same category to us. Yup, they are. Also, they seem to think you could be a victim of incest by not a family member. I'm not sure how that question was phrased.

20, have you ever committed incest, rape, or molested anyone? Honestly, I feel like this is a question we need at all jobs. I'm just saying. Maybe. Throw it in. Maybe have that not on the demon questionnaire, on the regular one. Just generally.

Yeah, just first question at the interview. Know what they say, one finger pointing forward, three fingers pointing back, and your thumb pointing off to the side. How many windows in New York City also have you ever sexually assaulted a person or animal? Great. Okay.

Question 22. Have you ever sexually fantasized about an animal? Yes, I have seen Zootopia. Thank you. Next question. They're aware of the current laws in Kentucky. Question 23. Have you been involved in oral or anal sex?

Involved is the word there that makes it feel like a hobby, right? I dabble, you know. Weird. You an oral sex guy? I'm kind of new to it. I don't know. You got to come out to the lake

after oral sex. It's beautiful out there this time of year you guys end up spending a lot on like like extra stuff like accessories i don't know let me tell you i don't know i gotta stop playing hearthstone if i'm gonna get into a new thing i gotta tell you i bought way too much oral sex stuff my wife says oh if she knew the amount of oral sex i bought we're gonna move and then we're going to have to pack it. And then, I don't know. It's a lot.

And question 24. Have you ever fathered a child that has been aborted? No, because of all the oral sex stuff I'm into. I'm really committed. Yeah. And question 25. Has pornography ever attracted you? Again, I don't think they know what pornography does.

These questions. Pornography is magnets. It attracted me. I don't understand. My hands just stuck to the screen when Anna comes home. What were you watching? Nothing. I'm leaning on this screen.

Just checking. To the other room. You leave now. Bring the tinfoil. And finally, question 26. I'm not making this up. I swear to God,

I'm not making this up. This is the last question in the questionnaire. Question 26. Do you have desires of having sex with a child? And that's a weird hotel add-on. I'm going to say it now and I'm going to stand by it.

Yes. So we are obviously sending Eli to Hazard, Kentucky to get a job at this goddamn hotel. 100%. He can deal with this questionnaire. And obviously you're going to say yes to the exorcism. You're going to attend it. It's going to be delightful.

I can't wait. So we are all on board for this. We do not need a Patreon goal. Obviously, you're going to say yes to the exorcism. You're going to attend it. It's going to be delightful. I can't wait. So we are all on board for this. We do not need a Patreon goal. We've already booked stuff. We're set. Yep. So here's the thing about this story.

One other thought I had. I'm honestly not sure which is the craziest part. The divorce demon questionnaire or the fact that Haz kentucky has enough casual visitors from out of town to justify an entire chain hotel there like just just people living there at all like permanently that's crazy enough but to travel there on purpose like to journey to journey there you packed a bag you made road trip sandwiches. You peed in a Gatorade bottle. Also, you could visit Hazard goddamn Kentucky. But you wanted to experience that town in style. So you stay at a Hampton Inn.

Like, what the fuck is happening in your life? I don't understand how this exists. By the way, if you've ever stayed at the Hampton Inn of Hazard, Kentucky, I have a questionnaire for you that I'd like you to fill out. And while I explain that peeing in a Gatorade bottle is not a normal part of travel for most people, Heath, thanks as always. It's not?

Nope. Gatorade bottle peeing, yes it is. And when we come back, Leviticus will kill a fuck ton of animals, y'all. Leviticus. The book of the Bible you're familiar with because it hates gay people, but it's actually a cookbook from hell that gives Hostel a run for its money. Either way, if podcasts had splash zones, you'd be in it.

So put on your ponchos for another round of Bible Peace Theater. Okay, everyone, listen up. You sound different today. No, no, I don't. Yeah, yeah, you do. Yeah, he does. You do sound different. Yeah, like more, I want to say, authentic. That's a good word, yeah.

Anti-Semitic, right there. That's a good word, yeah. Antisemitic, right there. So, when sacrificing a bullock or a sheep or a goat, make sure it's a... Unblemished male. Yeah, got it. Now, you want to slit its throat in front of God. That's super important.

Oh, come on. And then you sprinkle the blood around the altar. Then put the head and the fat on the altar to burn. Dude, seriously gross. You want to remove the organs. Come on. Seriously. Then wash the organs and burn those too.

I'm going to throw up. This is awful. Now, birds, you want wanna twist off their heads first. How is this a religion? This is like the whole book, guys. Get on board. Hey, guys. Uh, who are you? I'm Heath.

Well, we were supposed to meet Moses today to learn about meat offerings. Right, right, right. Yeah, funny thing. He actually sent me to tell you guys about the meat offerings. Okay, what are they? Right, so don't just bring meat. God doesn't want just meat. Also, some flour and some oil.

Honestly, if you could make it all a pot pie, that'd be great. God, yeah, God's super into pot pie. God is super into pot pie. God is super into pot pie. Yes, uh, wasn't finished. Um, wasn't quite finished yet. And also, uh, wafers and stuff. Also, with the oil. Um, God's into all that.

You mean french fries? Uh, okay. Crazy talking guy over here. Yeah. So you're just going to leave it with the priest, all that stuff I was talking about. And who is the priest? Well, today it's me.

And you're going to bring pot pies and French fries to God. To God. Exactly. Yes. I will bring the pot pie and French fries to the God of the universe. Well, okay. Thanks, I guess. Yeah, no problem.

Oh, and no more Brussels sprout sacrifices. God does not like those. Unless you also sacrifice cheese sauce, then it would be cool. Well, that's what God said. This is the last thing. Okay. Hi, I'm Heath Enright. As many of you know, we here at Puzzle in a Thunderstorm recently reviewed the movie Unplanned,

the not-even-a-little-bit-true story of former Planned Parenthood worker Abby Johnson. And here at The Scathing Atheist, we have everything but respect for people's religious beliefs. Don, I think that it's actually nothing but respect. I know what I said. Which is why when we came across Leviticus 3.16 this week, we wanted to, no, take that back, we needed to speak out to warn Christians like Abby Johnson.

Leviticus 3.16, all the fat is the Lord's. You hear that, Abby? All the fat, all of it. Now, sure, many people will call us hateful for speaking out. But we don't hate the sinner. We hate the sin. So yes, we have several bills in state legislatures to ban her from all-you-can-eat buffets and consign her to curves for women. But we do it out of love. Because all the fat is the Lord's, Abby. All of it.

Is the Lord's Abbey. All of it. That too. Right there. That you're picking up. Don't. Don't do it, Abbey. You look like a chipmunk.

Stop it. You're very fat. Sacrifice rules. Sacrifice rules. There's really not a lot in this book other than that. Well, I mean, there's a lot of rules. Yeah. Oh, that mean, there's a lot of rules. Ooh, ooh, that gives me an idea. From the makers of Mousetrap and Sorry comes Leviticus the Board Game.

Oof. Sin of ignorance. Damn it. Okay. Really? Okay, is that just him or the congregation, though? Okay, rules say just him. Okay, do you have an unblemished bullock? Are those the little wooden ones, the bullocks?

Yeah, those are the bullocks. Okay, you can trade that in for atonement, but you have to roll at least seven sprinkles of blood. No, he's got uncleanness, remember? Because he touched that corpse. Damn it, yes. Okay, that's right, you do. Okay, so I roll for doves

now? Yeah, you roll for doves. Leviticus the board game. Still less complicated than Root. I can't wait to be anointed as a priest. Me neither. Hi, everyone.

Oh, damn it. It's him again. Cool. Yeah, so the procedure for anointing priests. Let me guess. It's giving you food which you in turn will bring to God in a place we can't. Okay, you guys want to be priests or not?

Yeah, I want to be priests. Yeah, I want to be priests. Yeah, you want to be priests. Exactly. Okay. So, two words. Mashed. Potatoes. Okay, Aaron and his sons.

Are you guys ready to become priests? So ready. Yeah. Wow, Heath, Don, this is the anointing of Aaron and his sons. Are you guys ready to become priests? So ready. Yeah. Wow. Heath, Don, this is the anointing of Aaron and his sons in the Bible. I know this isn't like a big famous portion or anything, but this was actually my Torah reading for my bar mitzvah. Yeah, yours and like a million other people's.

I know, but I just, I remember what like a big deal this was when I was a kid. And now here it is, you know, but I remember what a big deal this was when I was a kid, and now here it is. I'm about to read these words again for the first time as an adult. It's a very moving experience. Congrats. Okay, so first things first, let's kill this ram. Now let's throw these on the fire. All right, we'll just put a little bit of blood on the altar.

That's for the sacrifice. And of course, I have to dab it on your earlobes, your noses, and your big toes. Give me your big toes. There we go. Now this is good. Now let's boil the flesh and eat it, huh? Oh, I grew up in a crazy blood cult. Yeah, buddy. You did. You really, really did.

Yeah, you'd know that already if you bothered to read ahead. Okay, not now, Don. Don't you talk to Don that way. You read ahead. And the glory of the Lord appeared unto all the people. Well, what do you guys think? Uh, honestly, the week of animal sacrifice, it's a little off-putting, if I'm being honest. Yeah.

Oh, come on, look it, it's me, God, I just appeared Yeah, you're God It's just, well You were kinda heralded by Barbaric blood sacrifice What? Barbaric? Come on, you guys are being Alright, let me put it this way If this was a movie, this would be way too much Yeah The producers at Temple of Doom

Would tell you to tone it down You guys are negative Nancys. Boy, a beehoo. Just think of it. Us and our dad, Aaron. The first ever anointed priests. Oh, we are going to have so many adventures, Nadab. Nadab and a beehoo.

Oh, yeah. Two characters everyone will remember as long as they tell stories. Our adventures, our friendship, told forever. I can't wait. I'm so excited. Oh, me either. Oh, this is going to be so awesome. Yeah. Now let's light this incense. Wrong.

Ah! Uh, Moses, did God just burn my sons to death? Yes. Uh, Mithael God just burn my sons to death? Yes. Uh, Missale and Elphapan, you guys want to clean this up? Thanks. Uh, yeah, Moses, quick question. Why did God just burn my sons?

Not Thor. Uh, not Thor. I guess he did not like how they lit the fires or something. But, uh, don't freak out about it. It's just going to make him mad. So let's just chill here in the tabernacle or God will kill us. This is in the book.

It is in the book. It is. Okay. Aaron's other sons. Take two. Some ground rules, obviously. No strange fire. Okay, sorry. This seems super important.

What is strange fire? I do not know. I do not know. Also, next rule, don't show up drunk. Okay, I'm out. Also, everyone enjoy the sacrifice meat. It's yours. You deserve it.

Totally cool. Have some sacrifice meat just whenever. You know, just sacrifice meat it up. Okay. Okay. Are you back in? Now, where's the sacrifice meat? We ate it.

Like you just said we could. Just a moment ago. What? You idiots! You were supposed to eat the sacrifice meat in the holy places! I told you to eat the sacrifice meat! Okay, just relax. What does that even mean? Yeah, why are you so angry? Uh, Moses?

Sorry, Aaron, again, your brother. I could have eaten the meat here in the not-holy place, right? Oh. Okay. No problem, then. What just happened? How is this a religion? Okay, boys.

Gather round. It's time to clear up what you can and you can't eat. Wait. You made animals we can't eat? Oh yeah, bunches of them. But don't worry, rules are pretty simple, super easy to follow along. So for instance, no rabbits or comies, because they chew their cud. Nope, no they don't.

So, already. Oh, I got a list of fowl that I don't want you to eat. Ends in bat, surprise. But bats aren't birds. Great point. Well, technically that's translated from a Hebrew word that meant things that fly. Yeah, right. But that's not wrong.

We're reading it in English and the English word is fowl. We have a word. So why not? Yeah. So why not just use the right word for it? It's probably fine. Hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, hep. No four-legged insects.

Okay, don't exist. What? Nothing that flies that walks on all fours. Not a thing. Unless it has legs above its feet, in which case it's fine. As opposed to... I don't know, faces above its feet? That would be creepy, right?

Okay, noted. Got it. You guys writing this down in our holy book? Nope, I'll remember. No four-legged insects with faces above their feet. I got that locked in. Good, good. Ooh, ooh, and I got a thing about ladies.

This week on Bible Hospital. Doctor, this woman just gave birth to a baby girl. Damn it, nurse. This woman is impure. Get me a lamb. Stat. We don't have one. Just a young pigeon and a dove. Damn it. That's not good enough. So far, this book is like a PETA scare tape. Right? It's fucking bananas.

All right, I got some more medical stuff. You guys had questions about leprosy? For me, God? Yeah, it's a huge problem right now. If you could help, it would be super. Do not worry about it. Look, here's a series of simple instructions on how to formulate antibiotics and vaccinations using Bronze Age tools. Whole thing will be eradicated in a year. Oh my gosh, really? No. I'm going to tell you who to put in the timeout hut.

Are those instructions at least medically accurate? They are not. Oh. Then the priest shall look, and behold, if the bright spots in the skin of their flesh be darkish white, it is a freckled spot that groweth in the skin. He is clean. Uh, sorry, real quick. Do you mean that freckles exist? Uh, yeah, smart guy. Who is this?

I'm sorry, I'm doing a Bible thing. No, I'm one of Aaron's sons that you didn't burn to death. I'm one of the living ones. Okay, great, cool. Uh, anyway, unrelated. The man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald, yet he is clean. Okay. And he that hath hair that fallen from part of his head, you is bald, yet he is clean. Okay.

And he that hath hair that fallen from part of his head, you know, towards his face, he is forehead bald, yet he is clean. Okay, I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. And he that is bald, I'm not finished, I am God, he's that bald and lives alone for five years must get on OkCupid

and settle down already because you're bumming everyone out and you're going to get found by your landlord. Okay. Um, Mr. Shechem? Hey, Doc. All right, yeah, how can I help you today? Well, um, I'm feeling a little leprous. Oof.

Yeah, so, do you know anyone with leprosy? leprous oof yeah so you know anyone with leprosy yeah so my sister's kid has it and they were just over visiting oh yeah that that's the worst yeah right don't come over when you have when when you have leprosy exactly rude yeah uh anyway did you shave all your hair and stay in a hut for seven days? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. And did you bring the two birds? Yes. Here you go. Okay, so... All right, and then we dip this one in the blood and sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle.

Fuck. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. You okay? Yeah. You just got it right in my eye. Yeah. Really, really sorry about that.

Okay. You good? You good to go? Yeah. I'm fine now. Yeah. Great. This is in the book.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Okay. Okay. Mr. Kremsach. Oh, hey, Doc. the book yeah yeah it is um okay mr chem sachs oh hey doc oh man that is a running issue of the flesh right there that is is it damn i wasn't sure yeah all right we're just gonna wash and throw it out uh well you know everything you touched, actually, is getting thrown out. Did you spit on anyone, by the way? I don't see how that's relevant.

Well, we got to wash them, too. Oh. So, yes. Okay, so my cart was clearly holding my place in line. So, yes. You're saying yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You spat on someone. Finally. All right. Last patient of the day. Hey, Mr. Bosnick. Yeah. How's it going? Wow.

Okay. You are just covered in cum. Yep. Whoopsie. Okay. Whoopsie. I mean, you you're gonna wash that off or oh wash it off yeah i yeah i can do that you got it yeah well i just i feel like that's obvious to to definitely do that like maybe before you came is that not obvious am i crazy i mean'm going to be honest. It's obvious to me now. Okay.

Also, the woman you were with will need to wash off as well. Yeah, that's not an issue. Don't. Yeah, didn't think so. Eli, I don't think that part of the Bible means people who are covered in cum. I mean, these genetics came from somewhere, Don. Okay, fair. Fair.

And while I give Eli a stern talking to about ending yet another sketch with himself covered in cum, we'll take a break and be back in a month for more Bible Peace Theater. 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies,

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even new, new, new year-est episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon

Eastern on Wednesday. I want to thank Heath Enright for never flinching when there's a skit in our folder labeled... I want to thank Streptococcus for giving Noah

the first show off in seven years. I want to thank Lucinda Lusions for taking care of Noah this week, which is like trying to give a cat a pill if the cat could tell you to fuck yourself. And of course, I want to thank Noah

for staying down after that third tranquilizer dart. But most of all, we need to thank this week's peerless new patrons, Patrick, Jason, and John, whose penises are so big they've been accused of being sarcastic. Aaron, Nate, and J. Teal, whose genitals in general achieve the rank of general. And Jolene, the pan-succubus who empties mankind one polycule at a time.

Together, these fearless financial fulsomes had the brains and the guts to give us money. If you'd like to join their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com Thank you. Warlock Cursed Your Bones, you can tell your friends about the show or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, and you know he regrets it. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode,

which was used with his permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathing atheist.com that's a game that's a game. That's a game. Kill animals? Pee in a Gatorade bottle?

Is that a game? I've been, okay, full disclosure, I've been in at least one limo ride with a bunch of friends going to a birthday thing in the city. And we were all coming out from the suburbs and we were all drinking the whole way. And we definitely, as a game, had to all share a very large Gatorade bottle

to pee into throughout that trip. How large? Like a gallon? Like a 64 ounce, if I remember correctly. Like one of the really big ones. Okay. With like a little bit of, like the mouth is a little wide. So you can, you can aim it in there if you're good. Question.

I've never done this. Do you put your dick in the mouth or do you aim? Here's the thing about it. It's a great question. Thank you. You end up having to not, the ideal strategy that I found out is that you don't want to go all the way, put your dick into it, because that actually ends up building up. If you make a seal, then there's like air pressure coming out of the bottle and you get little.

All right. Little sprays. You get little blowback sprays like a surf mist type of situation. Obviously. Great metaphor. Yeah. Just like that. But urine.

So what you do is back it up a little. And, you know, you don't want to aim from like a distance at that point. So you want to be like right up near it, but with plenty, like with plenty of air space, you know, not a full seal. Can I, can I be radically vulnerable right now? Please.

I have never got my dick out in a buddy group of dudes and been like, this didn't just ruin all the fun. Okay. Interesting. We've had different experiences with this. We also play the cookie game differently.

I will tell you this limo also had a bunch of lady people in there too who were wildly impressive with their ability to pull this off. They did it? Oh, yeah. At least three of them did it and there was not

a giant puddle anywhere. Like, it was done successfully by at least three ladies on top of a handful of guys. Yeah. I'm just impressed. I am nothing but impressed. I'll tell you that right now.

I was turned on by this, to be honest. It's a weird thing, but yeah, very impressive from like, you know, like as a sports thing,

I was impressed at like the sport of it, but also, you know, like, you know, like as a sports thing, I was impressed at like the sport of it, but also, you know, just, I'm weird. Absolutely. Man. We are agreed on some P-Stuff games that we just clearly agreed to.

If you'd like to support our P-Stuff games, head on over to our new Patreon. One guy, but he's like a $45 patron. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.