The Scathing Atheist - 322: Joey Strikes Back Edition

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

In this week’s episode, everyone hates Ex Benedict, Christian people react to Mayor Pete like a Rubik's Cube made of their deepest fears, and Matt Powell will beg gay people to handcuff him. ---  To get tickets to our live show in Cincinnati, click here: https://www.aacon2019.org/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Guest Links: Check out Oberon and Neptune Beat up the Planet here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVanPBtyOm_p2X5bgIv4Lkw Headlines: Benedict breaks silence to remind everyone it’s the hippies’ fault they raped kids: https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/full-text-of-benedict-xvi-the-church-and-the-scandal-of-sexual-abuse-59639 Missouri passes bill banning anonymity of atheist plaintiffs in church/state separation lawsuits: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/10/missouri-bill-banning-anonymity-of-atheist-plaintiffs-in-lawsuits-passes-house/ Matt Powell is still mentally ill or an evil liar: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/12/angry-young-hate-preacher-shares-bigoted-facts-about-the-lgbt-in-sermon/ Pete Buttigieg is terrifying to Christians like Mike Pence: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/12/pete-buttigieg-mike-pence-uses-christianity-as-justification-to-harm-people/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/10/religious-right-figures-are-already-saying-pete-buttigieg-isnt-really-christian/ This Week in Misogyny: Texas House Debates Bill Giving the Death Penalty to Women Who Have Abortions https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/11/texas-house-debates-bill-giving-the-death-penalty-to-women-who-have-abortions/

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by antibiotics. Antibiotics, because genocide is okay when they weren't your fucking lymph nodes to begin with. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Oberon. And I'm Neptune. And we're from Oberon and Neptune beat up the planet. Uh, hey Oberon, you remember Earth? Yeah.

Wait, isn't that the one full of creatures that did in fact evolve from filthy monkey people? Yeah, that's the one. Yeah! Good thing we beat up that planet. Yeah, you're telling me. It's Thursday. It's April 18th. And if you're not an American atheist with us right now, fuck you. Okay, too strong.

Just dial it back. Sorry. Sorry. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Mike Kaplan's New Jersey. How dare you. Cincinnati Swing State and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's

episode, everyone hates ex-Benedict. Christian people react to Mayor Pete like a Rubik's Cube made of their deepest fears. And Matt Powell will beg gay people to handcuff him. But first, the diatribe. I'll admit, I watched Notre Dame burn with a lot of different eyes. My shoulders were crowded with angels and demons as I tried to decide how I really felt about this. You know, of course, foremost, the angels of history wept. We have precious few examples of well-maintained 12th century architecture left in the world, and losing any of them would be a tragedy, let alone the most universally recognizable one.

And that's to say nothing of the endless list of important historical moments that are captured in the memory of its walls. But given the particular history of this particular building, mourning it didn't seem like enough. I mean, it's technically owned by the French government at this point, I think, but it's still a symbol of authority and reverence to the world's largest and best funded criminal conspiracy. It's chocked full of reminders that the Catholic Church never did have to pay that infinity million dollars in restitution to the kids that they raped and hell they broke ground on that motherfucker with two crusades still to go so it's been there for pretty much all their worst

shit it's a symbol of nearly universal oppression and its gilded halls and sacred status are a reminder of just how slight a reckoning the religion faced for that oppression, even in a state as secular as France. So yeah, there was a devil on the shoulder lapping up every tear. Now, let me be clear here. History is beautiful and important and fragile. And whenever we lose a major piece of it, whether the loss is Christian or Buddhist, and whether the culprit is Islamic zealotry or unfortunate happenstanceance or whatever this turns out to be, it's a catastrophic misfortune.

No part of me was happy to see it burn. And what's more, no angel or demon that was happy to see it burn would have been welcome on my shoulder. That being said, some of the angels were less disturbed than others. disturbed than others. The cynic on my shoulder, for example, couldn't help but reflect on all the human lives lost in warehouse and factory fires around the world this year in the effort to bring us cheaper shoes and how the collective grief at their deaths would be dwarfed by the potential loss of circlets of rushes people have been pretending Jesus wore for nine centuries. Of course, the cynic on my shoulder has a cynic on his shoulder who is quick to point out that we have a lot more humans than 12th century relics and perhaps it's reasonable to weep

more for the latter than the former the fatalist on my shoulder thinks in geological time scales and wasn't particularly impressed everything humans make is destined to burn down or crumble away and this building had a pretty good run the egotistical angel was just muttering something about how he told me we should have gone to par with Eli and Heath last year. But eventually all the angels and demons calmed down and just watched the flames lick that spire. And all you could hear were the muffled sobs of history. But then one last demon spoke up. A vengeful poet of a demon who's basically worn an imprint of his ass cheeks into my flesh at this point and he said sad or no it needed to be this way ideas build towers to

the sky and when those ideas die their towers fall back to the earth the ruins of notre dame are preordained to sit aside the monuments to the forgotten gods of egypt assyria greece and mesoamerica for centuries it stood now as a preserved corpse, pumped full of federally funded formaldehyde, and perhaps it has a few centuries of that macabre fate before it, but its heart is long dead. And what's more, it's better dead. We don't build towers to God anymore.

You know, we build churches, and we even repurpose the occasional defunct NBA stadium. But these buildings are transient by their own admission, even by their own design. Megachurches that can be broken apart, expanded or contracted as our spiritual appetites wax and wane. But there will never be another Notre Dame. We will never devote resources on that scale to a fable again. Not just as a culture culture but as a species the towers that proceed it stand in defiance of the limits god gave his architects and are bound only by the limit science has yet to revoke they scrape the underbelly of the heavens and they

stand beside rockets and one day they'll stand on other worlds and they'll only do that because we let Notre Dame become a festering papery flammable corpse so yeah I weep for the history we lost but I temper those tears with the joy I feel for the future we've gained they're talking about you Jesus joining me for headlines tonight our fellow Pulitzer snubs Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to play the atheist card at this point? Oh, 20 pounds overweight. I don't think that's the atheist card. Well, we are at a con right now and I'm going to agree to disagree.

Okay. Are we going to say 20? We're averaging. In our lead story tonight, feeling that perhaps a successor was erring too far on the side of taking responsibility for the century-long child rape cover-up, former Pope Benedict took time off of his efforts to recover the one ring to pen a letter reminding the world that if there's anybody to blame for all those kids they fucked it was the damn hippies and their damned reefers about time i'm always like why does everyone think francis is the good oh right i forgot about the nazi guy the literal nazi guy right yeah when jose Joseph Goebbels took over Germany in 1945, he was the good Fuhrer, I guess.

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. It's a weird flex, but okay. All right, so in all, his screen was about 6,000 words long. So six diatribes, or 10.6 Eliatribes. And in it, he offered a strong rebuttal.

You did a great job. Canon now. Canon now. No, it's good. I liked the tweets from people who were like, you are not as good at that as Noah. And I was like, I know. Thank you.

Oh, good. Because I like the tweets that were like, I barely even noticed that Noah was missing from his life. All right. So in it, Benedict offers a strong rebuttal to pope francis boomba's contention that the real culprit in the child rape scam are the child rapists and and it wasn't to say no it was the guys who covered it up and kept moving them around because that would have moved them closer to the truth instead he reiterated his off-repeated assertion that the hippies tricked the Catholic priests

into thinking that fucking kids was okay. I heard they cut that part from the electric Kool-Aid acid test. Oh, you bet they did. Merry pranksters. They did all the LSD stuff as a diversion. Mostly, they just went around

tricking priests into fucking kids as a prank. A merry prank. Classic. Yeah. Merry prank. Got him. To be fair, successful prank.

Yes. He's just like, you guys said pre-luck. What do you mean free luck? Oh. There it is. There it is. Your mistake. All right.

So I tried to read this thing I really did I didn't get far we were all two paragraphs into it before he starts making arguments like okay so suddenly it was fine to show kids a penis in sex education textbooks how are we supposed to know that

didn't mean it was fine to show a kid a penis in their mouth almost literally splitting hairs super super close a kid a penis in their mouth. Almost literally. Splitting hairs. Yeah, we are. Super, super close. Splitting some arse cages. He then explains how tits

provoke uncontrollable violent rage. Actual quote from his letter regarding the link between boobs and violence. Quote, this is why sex films were no longer allowed on airplanes because violence would break out among the small community of passengers and as if that wasn't enough to cause uncontrollable child rape cover-up quote

the clothing of that time equally provoked aggression. End real quote. What? A weird conspiracy theory for the guy who talked to God to believe in. Right? Ladies and gentlemen, the movie on this flight will be nine and a half weeks. Murder! Murder you first!

Murder! Staff, prepare for murder. For our younger listeners, everyone on the plane used to have to watch the same movie. It was a real loss for comedians when that stopped. No, it was. It was a thing, though. Of course, if you were wondering when he was going to get around to blaming the gays, don't worry. He gets there.

It's pretty quick. He also blames the relative lack of Catholicism for perverting our ability to recognize absolute moral truths so the reason that the catholic priest raped the kids and lied about it for at least 50 years before the sexual revolution and the 60 or so years since and currently is because hippies were too gay and not catholic enough if i see one more motherfucking breast on this motherfucking plane, I will fuck a child. I will do it. Actually, better yet, I'm going to build a time machine

and start a kid fucking league in the past. That'll show you. Secret cabal. All right, so needless to say, this conflicts slightly with Francis's message on the subject,

which has been, oh, I'm sorry, I was just going to answer that child rape question. I was so busy, though, hugging this deformed guy whilst uttering a mild condemnation of unrestrained capitalism. I like windmills. If one was aware of religion through nothing but a hasty info dump at the beginning of a sci-fi trilogy, they might think

two mutually exclusive views held by infallible people would at least dent the faith of catholics but no that in their building burning down at the beginning of holy week did nothing catholicism is a religion so no yep still good still good and in mob creator news the the Missouri State House just passed a bill that would require the doxing of every single atheist who files a lawsuit about church-state separation. That really, really happened. Oh, hey. Reality. Heath, 2019 didn't come with a lot of silver linings, but one of them is you never have to double up on the reallys in that sentence anymore.

There's no more incredulity when it comes to guess how evil a red state is. That's the one nice thing. It saves us a little time. Plus, a whole new generation is going to get to play guess what used to be a law and X. You can't sit with an ice cream cone. Way more

depressing game when the answer is women's rights though. But yeah, that will happen. For women. Yeah. So that's what they spent their time on last week. Apparently, the state of Missouri is just doing great. Oh, yeah.

Just a wonderful place to live. You know, blue lives matter. White lives matter. End of list. Pretty much all the lives matter over there lives and of course you got the beautiful ozark wine country you got anheuser-busch making some of the best barley flavored sparkling water in the world pretty much no problems in Missouri, except for the one they were having lots of trouble with their anti-atheist lynch mob batting average. So the well-rested legislature sprung into action with HB 728, and it would force any plaintiff in a lawsuit about violation of the Establishment Clause to use their full real name in all court proceedings and documents

okay keith i mean there's obviously non-mob related reasons for this law it saves on name tags for one as many name tags that you have to give out true yeah and uh just for the record this is unlike the law in just about every other state where at-risk plaintiffs can use initials or John Doe type names. It's also unlike the law in every other law. The new bill would only apply to lawsuits about the separation of church and state. That's it. This is the no baggy clothing and no team hats rule at the Irish bar except for targeting atheists instead of black people. The law might as well apply to anyone who believes in 0.9 or less gods, whoever that might be.

Well, and also worth kind of underlying, this bill serves no function but intimidation. Right? Like there wasn't even an argument on the other side the actual justification was if they've got a problem with god fuck them right and it was introduced by a congressman whose campaign slogan was about two words away from if they've got a problem with god fuck them too yeah but when you show up to his office covered in rose petals he's all that's not what i meant help police it's bullshit i just want to throw him can't trust politicians yeah so this is a fun new precedent looking forward to their next bill making atheists go door to door like megan's

law telling everyone what address should be the location the next vigilante riffra mob attack yeah well he Heath jests. I live in Georgia, so I'm going to take a break to speak with the neighbors, and we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Alright, anyone who believes in an even number of gods. The first one.

Hindus are like, yes! A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. Cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage so when kevin all made it through the confirmation process despite all the attempted rape and whatnot a lot of women feared that ignoring such credible accusations of sexual assault in a supreme court justice would have a chilling effect on women inspired to assert their rights. And I'm not saying that

the affair was unjustified, but if you thought women were still going to have rights post Kavanaugh, you underestimated the reasons not to confirm him. Now look, I get it. Maybe you don't think Kavanaugh is a legitimate threat to women's reproductive rights. Maybe you're just saying that in hopes you can hold on to your Senate seat in Maine. But regardless of what he might have implied in a closed door meeting, it's super fucking clear that his supporters sure as hell think he's a legitimate threat to them. In fact, they're kind of counting on it. Either that or they're passing all these blatantly and obviously illegal on their face abortion laws all over the country for the fun of it. And obviously you've heard about a few of these laws already. Hell, I've fumed about them on this segment. My own home state of Georgia seems

to be locked right now in on the contest to see which geographical location can lose the most millennial business by the end of the year with the heartbeat bill that our self-selected governor Brian Kemp is expected to sign next month. But perhaps fearing that all the sweet, sweet Pure Flix audience migration would shift too far east, Texas made a bid to remain America's worst state last week by introducing House Bill 896, which would classify abortion as a type of homicide. And if you're thinking to yourself, holy shit, that's Texas. Don't they kill people for killing people in Texas? Yes. Yes, they do. So they're legitimately debating whether or not it's appropriate to murder women for having abortions. And I mean, they might land on the right answer eventually, but too late here is measured in picoseconds.

This is the brainchild of child brain state representative Tony Tenderholt, by the way, who looks like a dildo that's perpetually embarrassed that you just called it using a dude's ass. And apparently this is his first effort to loosen up Texas's strict lady killing regulations. to loosen up Texas's strict lady-killing regulations. He introduced a similar bill in 2017, but when that one didn't go anywhere, he compromised by adding an exception for rape victims. Yes, the 2017 version didn't have that. Now, his justification for this is that he's not singling out women.

He's just making the law fair. Quote, If a drunk driver kills pregnant women, they get charged twice. If you murder a pregnant woman, you get charged twice. So I'm not specifically criminalizing women. What I'm doing is equalizing the law, end quote. So glad to know that criminalizing women is only incidental to his goals and all, but I'm at least a little bit disturbed to know that summarizing womanhood as a crime on par with murder and vehicular homicide came so naturally to him. He didn't even feel the need to stop mid-sentence and set himself on fire, and that's sad.

And quick before I accidentally mention one of those solutions to Tony Tennerbolt not being on fire that Andrew warned me about, I'll hand things back over to Noah Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Maddie P on Wolverine's Feet news tonight. If you didn't get that joke, you don't listen to all the shows. That's on you.

I added them and I don't get that joke. Well, wasn't that like Eli's dad was proud of him because he peed on Wolverine's feet? How did it go? Go to this story. It's a live show thing. Anyways,

good news. After a much appreciated break, Matt Powell burst back across our desk this week to be a homophobic lying piece of shit. That a clean enough cut for you, Maddie? You want to, you want to violate our copyright again? I will sell the house you lose to me to a black gay woman, Matt.

I swear to your non-existent God, I will. We actually had a team meeting about that. We did. We learned that Matt Powell legally owes us at least a six-figure sum

according to the law. And then we realized his life's work is going to be like a three figure sum. It was the saddest thing. He's like nine years old. The rest of his life's work, it's like three figures max.

And for the record, I feel like my position of so was dismissed way too quickly. Two literal votes that actually happened. Anyway, here's the latest from the intellect devourer where Matt's brain used to be. You playing Waterdeep right now? Maybe. Cool. Keeping it broad.

Nice. Here's the quote. You know what? I didn't even know this about the LGBT until this morning, but them trying to push their propaganda and push their laws and say, well, you know, we should just be able to, you know, make it illegal to speak against homosexuality. Well, you know what? Come and throw me in jail then. Yeah. Yeah. There was a lot of that. Come and get me, gays, with all your pushing that you do.

Come throw me in a prison and lock me up and teach me what a bad boy. You know what? I'm going to start over. He continues. You got to picture this, but I do recommend the video. Where's the camera? Sorry, I'm going to stop you right there. It's the thing opposite the frame.

No, sorry. You have no idea what that means. It's a little much. Completely foreign to you. It's the black thing that you nailed into the floor that doesn't point at where you're standing. That's the camera. Okay, okay. Here I go.

You know what? Continuing actual quote. No, just go ahead. Go ahead. You know what? LGBT. You know, if you guys are going to legalize all this, and I never do this, but you know what?

I never preach to the camera, but I think it's appropriate this time. And you know what? If you guys ever want to, you know, take and throw me in jail, you can go ahead and do that. Our movement will just get that much bigger, and everybody's going to hear the gospel.

It would be a new story like that. End quote. Are you scream crying freedom now? Don't reenact Braveheart. You're the executioner too. You're doing all the parts. Wow. Keep going.

This is great. Please keep going. Also, first of all, Matt matt you are only preaching to the camera we've seen your videos but most importantly we are a magician a juggler and a man doomed to loneliness forever by his inability to love we know what an empty room sounds like matt i can juggle also well i can be crushed by despair too, Heath, but one of us is a professional. Right.

So Matt continues. I'm a professional at being crushed by despair. Thank you. He continues, quote, you know, I don't want my kids to grow up in a country where homosexuals are going all over the place and pushing their propaganda and constantly pushing taking and

kissing um taking you know i i don't want my boys to have to see the two sodomites kissing each other you know what i think it should be illegal it's offensive it's disgusting end quote okay i'd really like for him to finish his thought about whatever it is that gay people are constantly taking. Was it shits? I feel like he was about to say shits. It was dumb enough that Matt Powell didn't want to finish his thought and cut himself off. That says a lot. Fascinated by that part.

Also, Matt, other bad news. Your boys are going to see dudes kiss. That's not propaganda. That's just two entirely separate humans from you living their lives. The fact that you think it's propaganda is terrifying, Matt Powell. It's terrifying. Okay, all right. This used to be a joke we did, but I'm about 90% certain that he was sad we hadn't talked about him for a while.

Yeah, it's a possibility. He concludes by declaring Harry Hay the founder of gayness and falling for yet another fake photo because there is nothing so unrealistic and obviously manufactured that Matt Powell won't fall for it. So this week, he's left us no choice. Morgan, hit it. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick.

And I'm Heath Enright. Here with some very, very sad news. As many of you know, frenemy of the show Matthew Powell was the source of quite a bit of ribbing here at The Scathing Atheist. Which is why it breaks our hearts to report this. It recently came to our attention that Matthew Powell was killed when the Titanic sank.

I know, I know. We are also shocked, having seen videos, photos, and heard audio of Matt after the year 1912. And yet, it's true. But more importantly, Matt, if you're listening, you're a ghost, and it's time for you to rest. I know, I know, Matt. I'm a boy, you say. I'm a living, breathing boy. But Matt, if that were true, how come nobody ever comes to your weird, empty church to hear you preach? Maybe it's because you're an unrepentant bigot? But come on.

You know it's because you're a ghost. So, listener, whatever you do, please do not Photoshop Matt Powell onto the deck of the Titanic. And Matt's ghost, again, if you're listening, go ahead and go into the light.

Go into the light, buddy. It's right there. It's beautiful. Yep. There's a pterodactyl. And finally tonight, the American religious right may have finally found their ideal politician. Uh-oh. Yeah.

He's a white male. He's a military veteran veteran he has hardly any political experience but in his brief time as a government leader he's been a driving force behind economic growth um he's also from a stupid flyover state that nobody cares about on top of all that he's a christian oh yeah of course i'm talking about Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend, Indiana. It's like he was created in a lab to be the next conservative superstar. Well, sort of. And honestly, if we put some ads out that just say that, I think we could trick 40% of the country.

Let's fucking go for it. Why not? Well, I have shits and Matt Powell's already convinced that's right yeah but despite all those amazing conservative credentials it turns out the people at the laboratory where mayor pete was spawned from a lock of athena's hair and a piece of zeus's penis um they also threw the inconceivable guy's penis into the Petri dish. And as the religious right is well aware, if your spawning dish has two penises,

you become gay. Okay, Heath, you've been watching too much Good Eats. I'm going to tell you that right now. Okay, clearly I have not been watching enough. And on top of that, you often become not a bigot. You become gay because of the two penises. You often become not a bigot. You become gay because of the two penises.

You also become not a bigot. So that was a deal breaker. But if it weren't for the not bigot thing and the enjoyment of a good penis, Mayor Pete was on his way to the top of the GOP. So instead, he decided to become a Democrat, basically the exact opposite of Donald Trump's political journey. And now he is terrifying religious leaders with this very confusing set of attributes that he has. Loves Jesus, but Jesus hates love, but love Jesus. Oh, you're spinning around. It happens.

Freedom. While you're spinning around. It happens. Freedom! Shut up. So, if you Google Pete Buttigieg, Christian people, you get a giant list of headlines that say something like, Christian leader hears about gay Christian candidate and says, ah! Or like, Buttigieg was calling from inside the house of worship it's a lot of scary stuff like that and that means it's time for another christian freak out anna what are the guys

talking about it's the newest the greatest christian freak out so uh here's a few highlights from the wildly confused christian leaders this week starting with vice president mike pence the wildly confused christian in chief yeah they're in a little feud right now so during some recent public appearances mayor pete called out the vp and former governor of indiana where Mayor Pete is from, for being a giant bigot. This includes an interview with Ellen DeGeneres last week. Also gay coincidence.

Oops. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Coincidence. During which Buttigieg said the following about Pence, quote, I'm not critical of his faith. I'm critical of bad policies policies i don't have a problem with religion yeah you do you do though don't be a liar yeah you do stop stop lying i read your book

continues he continues i'm religious too uh asterisk i have a problem with religion being used as a justification to harm people and especially in the LGBTQ community. But if Mr. Pence wanted to clear this up, he could come out today and say he's changed his mind and that it should not be legal to discriminate against anybody in this country for who they are, end quote. To which Pence responded, not that. He didn't do any of those things. which Pence responded, not that. He didn't do any of those things. He said, quote, I don't believe in discrimination against anybody.

Asterisk again, except for the entire LGBTQ community of Indiana, where I made it legal to refuse them service like a goddamn segregated lunch counter. End quote. And not like that was an isolated event or anything. That's just the most egregious example yeah mike pence's actual thought process in this rebuttal includes an unstated i just don't think you're a human yep that's his and it's like it's so innate in his thinking that he doesn't even realize he shouldn't say it looks like it's time for a good old-fashioned religious lie off the book says this so yeah well the book also says this i'm pretending harder than you are yeah so mayor pete apparently also triggered conservative snowflake and second lady, Karen Pence,

who teaches at a Christian school in Virginia that refuses to hire gay people. You might remember that story. Uh, she teaches heterosexual art there during her appearance on Fox radios, the Brian Kilmeade show, Mrs. Pence addressed the comments from mayor Pete.

And she basically said, we're not bigots. It's a common mistake. We're Christians. Does that make sense? And yes, it does. That does make sense. Not the way you thought it did. I bet Mike Pence made Brian Kilmeade bring his mom that day.

And one more quick freak out that's worth mentioning came from religious right talking head eric erickson and it went along with a whole series of similar reactions that took the basic form of mayor pete is episcopalian that doesn't count yeah that's like christianity with uh fucking gutter guards doesn't count and these people seem unaware that their religion has two giant gutters full of hate crimes along their path to salvation. Or at least they're unaware of how that's a bad thing. You are right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Here's what we got from Eric Erickson. W.E. heard about Mayor Pete and his very much Jesus-like message and realized how stupid that makes conservative christians look so erickson sent a tweet to all the at episcopalians telling them to become real christians like anglicans for example that was his example is it like jesus though because i haven't heard either of these politicians Scream at an olive tree Not once He did it in Norwegian So you couldn't tell

But that is what he was saying Mjönden Schmert There it is So Erickson also wrote a series of Buttigieg takedown pieces, including one that was entitled, Mayor Pete apparently thinks Jesus would be okay with bestiality.

Sick. And I say sick because he spelled that B-E-A-S-T, as in having sex with princes of darkness. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I think Mayor Pete is correct on that. Jesus would fuck the shit out of Satan. He'd like,

that would be great. He'd get that sword mouth involved. It'd be beautiful. Oh, hell yeah. That's how we imagined it in the porn that we're working on anyway. Yeah. Speaking of which,

I still have a lot of people to Photoshop Eric Erickson's head on too. So we'll close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, this music bed will fade back out. Hey there. Are you lonely?

What am I wearing? Oh, just pants that don't constrict my tummy too much. Are you within driving distance of Cincinnati, Ohio? Well, then why not come down to the American Atheist Convention, where hot podcasters are waiting to talk to you now. Another God I don't believe in. Thor? Does that count? T tickets are still available to the whole conference or just god-awful movies live but act now because podcasters like callie wright the how-to heretic

opening argument and more won't be there for long and then the hycosamine is for like stomach aches. And I just take that as needed. American Atheist Conference in Cincinnati, Ohio. They're waiting. I also don't like that book. Or that one. Get out of here. Yeah. Me neither.

My stomach works great. Well, now it doesn't make any sense the two hardest reactions to imagine a person having after making it all the way through the book of mormon are i'm a mormon now and more please but because some idiot said the former we had to say the latter so as of today we embark on yet another holy book adventure with a lesser known follow-up to the book of mormon the pearl of great price and joining us once again in this collection of evidence for the divorce court is my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Lucinda, welcome back. I was on track to get through the rest of my life without it coming to pass again, Noah. I had it all mapped out and everything. I was going to say the same here. Yeah, sorry. I forgot. You were the one that didn't enjoy reading holy books. So, yeah, okay.

Pearl of Great Price. If you want to know more about its origins that's your fault for missing the interview that i did with price a couple weeks ago and with the blame duly shifted i guess we can get started with the introduction all right well the first sentence is the pearl of great price is a selection of choice materials choice y'all yeah none of this gristle and bullshit choice selections only which the more we read of this, the more ironic that introduction is going to seem. Just FYI. I want to read the Pearl of Bargain Price now.

We are slashing prices on these pearls. We're doing it. All right. So then we dive into the Book of Moses, which is basically just an excerpt from Joseph Smith's Old Testament fanfic. So God's like, hey Moses, let me show you some of the coolest shit I made, but I can't show you all of it because you know, it's infinite.

And then God says, infinite, just like my words, they never cease. No, sorry, I'm done for now now you can jump in between my infinity verses well 42 chapter but i could keep going if i wanted to yeah no but before he gets to the show and tell god gives moses a heads up about jesus which is an odd thing for moses to have then forgotten to mention in the Pentateuch. Yeah.

And he approaches this with, you know, you look a lot like my son, who is me and the Savior and a ghost. It's a whole thing. Anyway, mountains. Am I right? Bumper waves of green. Yeah, but before God can show him any of the really good shit satan shows up to tempt him and moses is like dude ah i'm having a day god was just here a second ago and now satan come on hey how come you guys are never in the same room together

right okay but but he bests satan by going bitch, I can look at you without even having to glow or anything. Why would I worship you? That's literally how Moses beats Satan. Right, so Satan tries the argument from, oh, come on. He does. But that doesn't work either. Right, and it seems like Satan thinks he's Jesus at first because of how much they look alike. Like Satan looked up and he was like, fuck, fuck, he's in the garden already.

Shit, shit, shit. Where's my pitchfork? Karen, hon, my pitchfork? Alexa, Alexa, what the fuck? Pitchfork? Where's the alert also? Alexa? God damn it.

You're the worst. I'm going to banish you to the software company of my demon. That's what's happening. All right. So with Satan's ass kicked, the holy ghost picks up the divine tour once more and apparently this is where god reveals to moses that he actually has an infinite collection of spare earths okay all right that wasn't i wasn't the only one that noticed this bit okay yeah moses was like hey man what's up with with all these spare earths you got laying around?

God's like, never mind why I have spare earths. I have reasons. Moving on. It is not because I'm waiting until they each have a Jesus on them so I can have a giant crucifixion hole orgy with myself. In case that's what you were wondering, it's not that. And then God gets really defensive about his ability to count right he's like there are many earths like a ton but i i know the number by the way you do you know the number yes so what's what's the number we're not i don't we're not playing this game i don't want to okay i'm just gonna name some numbers and you stop me whenever so just stop do that stop it 10 stop stop it so so less than 10 i know that's not what i'm i didn't say that that you did say so less than 10

no it's fine all right so god also points out to moses that someday there will be some moses-like guy from palmyra new york that really gets this shit. When he shows up, the ladies better look out. 41 lines till Joseph Smith name-dropped himself. Pay up, Heath. Pay up. Damn it. Unbelievable. First chapter. Well, this chapter ends

with instructions to never show these words to people that don't already believe them. Which seems, you know, logistically tricky to me. I would think. It's like he knew we were coming. And there's even a little like vestigial argument between Joe and his scribe here.

Yes. God says, don't show these words to anyone unless they already believe. Even so, amen. So the scribe was clearly like dude you're stupid how can you believe words without seeing them first even so even so amen i'm just trying to have even so amen yeah all right so before we get to the substance of chapter two i want to point out that on the lds.org thing that i was reading this off of it has these listed as having been translated between

June and October of 1830. Okay, that's the downtime between hardcore history episodes. This chapter is 1,045 words long. Okay, even if we assume he started late in June and ended early in October, that's about a dozen words a day. So, yeah, apparently that first chapter was a prequel because now God tells Moses Genesis chapter one. Again, this took five months. Little thing I love as well.

He's doing Genesis from the first person. And when you do it from the first person, God seeing how good his creations are is all the more arrogant. And then I, God saw that I was pretty good at this. I'm technically a Trinity and also I'm everything. So, uh, I,

you, he, God is going to talk like this. Did I mention I'm also infinite? So yeah, get used to the, you, he, God is going to talk like this. Get used to it. Did I mention I'm also infinite? So yeah, get used to the nth person. I'll use whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, so clearly Joey forgot his homework was due until October.

Then he copied his answers off of the Jewish kid. Quite literally, yeah. And then Joey plagiarizes the Adam and Eve story. Yep. And like a plagiarizes the Adam and Eve story. Yep. Yeah, yeah. And like a lot of fan fiction, Joey dives in to spackle over some inconsistencies in the original story.

Lucinda gets it. Yeah, yeah. He makes it clear that when God was talking about creating all those herbs and animals and other humans, he means he created them spiritually. Not like, you know, physically where they actually existed. And that way it'll make sense when God creates a bunch of the same shit for the first time in this chapter. Yeah, exactly.

And okay, so here's how that works in terms of words, by the way. Chapter three, verse seven, quote, and man became a living soul, the first flesh upon the earth, the first man. the first flesh upon the earth the first man also nevertheless all things were before created but spiritually were they created and made according to my word

end quote the pearl of great price the holy book equivalent of a fremen on the land about to get his butthole taste by David Caruso and then the fremen on the land starts reciting a speech by michelle obama and pretending well yeah that too but yeah with those few notable exceptions it's literally just genesis chapter

one with the i comma added before every mention of god and then we get chapter four which is the same thing but with genesis chapter 3 right but to be clear he does take out the who the fuck is the serpent ambiguity and makes it clear this time that it's Satan oh very good so consider your bible fixed Christians yeah well no

to be clear the serpent wasn't Satan it was just on Satan's side it was a satanic snake everyone's freaking out. The snake gets to do an invocation in upstate New York. I get it. A milk snake walks up to the podium. Hello, people of Palmyra.

Pour some milk! No, it's not. It's just the name of my type of snake. You guys are assholes. This is serious. And by the way, lady, you're gonna be used to justify centuries of misogyny maybe pay attention well and to be clear not that there was any reason to suspect otherwise but when joey set out to fix the adam and eve story he didn't

tamp down on any of the sexism no all there no joey also adds a bit where right after god's epic freak out about the fruit he turns to to Jesus and he's all like, eh, sure is a shame about that rule that says once I condemn people, I can't forgive them without sacrificing my only begotten. You know what? Never mind. I'm going to tell you later about that. I mean, us. I'll tell us.

Two thirds of us will be told by another. Never mind. Never mind. Okay. Shout out the first three words you think of right now. Ready? Go. All lives matter.

What? What? Crazy. This guy. We are two thirds of a pea in a pod. Yeah, but again, those are literally the only parts that aren't just copied directly from the King James. And it doesn't get much better in chapter

five where he gives us the story of Cain and Abel eventually and to Joey's credit right away he's like and Adam and Eve had lots of kids who paired up and ran off to start fucking like rabbits so that it'll make sense later when Cain gets married to his

sister okay I said more sense, not like great sense, but Adam and Eve had 18 kids and counting. Oh yeah. There's also this great bit where Eve's like, uh, ha well without transgressing against God,

I guess we never would have known how awesome it felt for him to not be madness anymore. I guess it all makes sense that an omnipotent God would sabotage his own creation. Now she turns Adam sabotage his own creation now. Which turns Adam's hitting his own balls with a hammer. If you never hit your balls with a hammer, you never know what it's like not to be

doing this. Yeah, right. Exactly. And then we're 16 chapters in, pretty much all new material. Joey's exhausted. So now we start copying off Moses' work again with the Cain and Abel story. Yeah, worth noting in Joey's version, by the way,

Cain's out of the womb all in nine seconds before he's like, who the fuck is this God and why should I give him sheep? What? Noah, I know you were just a kid when the Pearl of Great Price was written, but I think you should sue. It's obvious they are basing it. Cain pops out of the womb like a tiny little Hitchens.

He's smoking a cigarette. Go fuck yourself. Strikes the match on the vaginal wall on his way out. Your face. They do their little sacrifice. Kane gets all pouty. God gives him that snooty if you didn't act like a bitch, I wouldn't treat you like a bitch speech, and then Kane brains his brother out of

spite. Yeah, pretty much verbatim Bible at this point, except that Joey keeps adding. And also Satan was all up in Cain's shit. He was in the story, despite what some Bibles might tell you. Yeah, which means Joseph Smith looked at the Bible and thought,

OK, but what's my motivation? You know, and the scribe was like anti-Semitism, sir. Got it. Smith looked at the Bible and thought, okay, but what's my motivation? You know? And the scribe was like, anti-Semitism, sir. You wrote that on your hand. Tattooed. Tattooed it. Oh, tattooed.

Of course, you know Joey can't wander too far off the beaten path without coming up with some silly bullshit names. So there's a point where Cain identifies himself as Mayhem, the Master of Secrets. I swear I know three magicians who have

this name. And the lack of self-awareness here is breathtaking. Cain says, this secret is amazing. You can murder for gain. Religious people will never learn about this.

It's my secret only. Alright, so Joey also fleshes out the weird Lamech thing. So in the Bible, Lamech, which is Kane's great-great-great-great-great-grandson or whatever, he just shows up at the end of the chapter and he's like, I killed dude too. It's gonna be even worse for me. And then the chapter ends.

Okay, but why? Well, don't you worry, in Joey's version there's a reason. And it's the Master Mahon thing, which is apparently a multi-generational super-villain persona of some sort,

like Joey's angling for a spin-off here. Yeah, credit where credit is due. This shit is awesome. It's like Shazam for immortal Jew wizards. Yeah. Pretty much the only good thing in the BC universe. Guys, if this chapter ended with Lamech's

son saying Hail Hydra, I would have been fucking Mormon on the spot. On the fucking spot alright so you know how in the Bible you go straight from Cain and Abel to a genealogy then bam like you're up to Noah and you know how it's just like Seth and Enos and Enos

and then you're like well who is this Enos guy as a person don't worry Joey fixed that too so now we get a whole little story of enos getting the god treatment he's he's that extra doing mime stuff in the background for no reason so dude just you just fuck your sister that's it man okay what if i do a voice come on nope give you a name in the credits if you stop. Please stop.

But eventually, he does fall into the genealogy, just interspersed with occasional bouts of also Satan was still roaming around, showing his ass. Okay, you know how the most famous person guest starring on an SVU episode always did it? That's Satan in the Pearl of Great Price. Just Satan unloading crates by a dock.

I don't know no Enoch. I don't know. You think Mariska wants to hang out after the shoots? She does not. Is she cool? No. Okay. Tell that me. I'm going to ask her anyway. Also, God makes Enoch wash his eyes out with clay.

I can't just pass over that without comment. I'm sorry. Clay. You feel like this is making the problem worse? Rub harder, damn it. Rub some dirt in it. Just Patrick Swayze smashing clay into Demi Moore's eyes. And since Joey's improvising, a proper noun was bound

to pop up eventually. This is where we meet Mahija. Mahija? Mahija? Who shows up to question Enoch. Well, he also gets in an argument with himself about whether

original sin makes sense. I'm pretty sure he loses. I think so. I mean, it's four pages of gibberish, so we all lose. We all lose. I know I did. It's amazing how close God gets to realizing he's evil here, but still does not.

He says, it's wrong to punish kids for the errors of their parents. That's why I had my son tortured to death. Wait. Yeah, but wait is because he was checking a message, though, in this instance. Yeah. Okay, and if you thought we were done with

Enoch just because he rambled for 40 verses in that last chapter, be prepared for disappointment as we enter chapter 7. Yeah, and in case picking up the next chapter mid-speech from the last chapter wasn't enough to clue you in to the fact that we were going full Joseph Smith,

the opening five words of this chapter are and it came to pass. Fuck. And it came to pass. Oh, Jews. Sir, you're doing the Quran. You're plagiarizing the Quran now. Plagiarizing the wrong

book. The fuck out. Oh, and if that wasn't enough to tell you, it's Joseph Smith. We follow the dude named Mahijah with a place named Mahujah. Mahujah. Able was I ere Mahijah saw. Don't say Mahujah. Don't say Mahujah. Idris Elba.

Well, and here's the trifecta. This is also where God turns all the evil people black. Yep. Thank you, Lucinda. You hear that, ex-Mormons, who wrote us to tell us we were wrong, quoting the wrong racism. We were ahead of our time. Ahead of our time. Dude, you guys emancipated black people 115 years after the United States.

Are you serious? Well, technically, no. No, not technically. Stop me right there. No. And then in verse 13, Enoch uses his superpowers, which are extensive, by the way. He moves mountains. He diverts rivers.

Summons lions. Weird he gets such a passing mention in the jewish version i would right they were just sitting around hey dave are we talking about the lion guy enoch or whatever nah nah cut it uh we got a bunch of begats to get through and uh they're all mimes who do voices the worst and the way, quick reminder how far Christian mythology puts a person from genuine morality. To put a positive spin on the flood story, Joey has God say, but don't worry, a couple thousand years from now, I'm going to hammer my kid to a plus sign. It'll be fine. Yep.

And then Enoch is like, okay, but that's great. Just to be super clear, Jesus is going to save us, the Jewish people and guys like Mormons. Bye. And for a window into Joey's unique arrogance, he doubles down on the good news by saying, and not only will I send Jesus, but you guys still have Joseph Smith to look forward to after that. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, he is really going to give it to your daughter. So, you know, cheer up. And your daughter.

So there's also a part where he lifts the city into heaven, Sokovia style. I am so on board with Marvel Universe being a Mormonism callback. So then we get back to the genealogy and we fast forward to Noah real quick. Yeah, so Noah's all righteous but then one day God shows up and says, hey man, your granddaughters

are a bunch of whores. Do something about that. Yeah, pretty sure that was a dig for someone in the room by Joey there. Yeah, right. And the Lord saith unto noah tell your granddaughter stop fucking guys named hyrum if they're planning to fuck hyrum's brother later that day it's gross write that down scribe oh oh i have to point this out again moving points for joey in this version noah dukes it out with the Giants.

Okay, that is way better than Moses or Aronofsky. It's true. Valid. So Noah goes out and preaches the word of Jesus Christ, but nobody will listen to him because they're too busy fucking his granddaughters for money, apparently. Look, if you guys will just wait around a couple thousand years, he's going to be great, I swear.

And then God's like, fuck it, I'm killing all of them. And that's where this book ends. Yep. I know this is just an excerpt and it goes on to be the rest of the Bible, but I just love the idea that somebody could read this and not know there was more to this story.

It doesn't really play then. God's like, fuck it with the human things, and then he closed the chapter on that experiment and played Smash Brothers happily ever after. The Bible could have just been eight chapters long, guys. That would have been nice. All right, so, better or worse

than the first eight chapters of Genesis? Genesis kept going, so better by default, I guess. Okay, fair. Okay. I'm not going to use words like better and worse. I'm willing to say or. I'll go with or.

Okay, all right. Fair enough. There is a word. I'm going with better. Come on. I can't wait for Samson to turn out to be the Hulk. It's going to be the best. All right.

Well, the silliness doesn't stop here. It just shifts gears. So we'll close this piece of shit for now. But we'll be back in three weeks with even more Pearl of Great Price. Whoopie. before we toss our liquids and dignity on the way into airport security i want to remind you one last time that we're heading to cincinnati for american atheist annual convention this week except heath because he's already there and i'm going through airport security and then a flight for this and then a layover in another flight i mean come on come on. If I can do that, you can do that.

And also, if you can't afford a ticket to the whole thing, you can also get tickets for just our live show on Friday night. If you can't afford that, borrow some money from Mitt Romney's dad. I hear he's good for it. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies,

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't have that new episode smell if I neglected to thank Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick for taking a ton of work off my plate last week so I could recover from my stupid little kid disease strep throat.

What, I'm going to call in sick for colic next? Anyway, I also need to thank Lucinda Lusions for taking such good care of me until she also got it. I also want to thank all the listeners who sent well wishes. I want to thank Don, voice of fantasy and adventure. No reason really. He's fragile and he's thanked a lot. I also want to thank Oprah and Neptune for providing this week's Farmsworth quote. Incidentally, if you've got a planet that needs a lesson taught to it, check the show notes for a link to their YouTube channel as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people

whose names I don't know yet because I had to record the outro way in advance this week. It's AACon's fault. But hey, if you're a new patron and you're going to be at AACon, feel free to stop by the table. I'll compliment your genitals in person. Anyway, together, this undetermined number of people made things like us eating that much easier this week by giving us money. If you, too, would like us to eat,

you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but you know Eli's not going to eat real food anyway, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, subscribing to our YouTube channel, liking our Facebook page, and following at PIATpod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robinson handles our social media and our audio engineers and Morgan Clark,

who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats to find all the contact info on the contact page, it's getting a ds.com. Fluffy? Fluffy? He's a confederate pterodactyl. It's a pterodactyl just as racist as you are, Matt. He thinks there's a confederate pterodactyl. It's a pterodactyl just as racist as you are, Matt.

He thinks there's a Confederate pterodactyl. His world includes a Confederate pterodactyl. That's what he says to us.