The Scathing Atheist - 323: A Peel's Court Edition

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

In this week’s episode, Richlands, Virginia is besieged by Tarot...ists, our top 10 about the Cincinnati conference has NO MENTION of Skyline's chili toast crunch, and we’ll take the nuanced look at having sex with animals that our audience demanded. ---  To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Headlines: “Nones” Are Statistically Tied for the Largest “Religious” Group in the Country https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/22/nones-are-statistically-tied-for-the-largest-religious-group-in-the-country/ The Largest Christian Charity in America Gives Millions to Anti-LGBT Hate Groups (lead?) https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/20/the-largest-christian-charity-in-america-gives-millions-to-anti-lgbt-hate-groups/ Uri Geller claims he will telepathically stop Brexit by sending energy to Theresa May: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/24/uri-geller-i-will-telepathically-stop-brexit-by-sending-energy-to-theresa-may/ TX AG Opens Investigation into San Antonio’s Rejection of Airport Chick-fil-A: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/29/tx-ag-opens-investigation-into-san-antonios-rejection-of-airport-chick-fil-a/ Hermeticists sue Virginia town citing discrimination against tarot card readers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/05/hermeticists-sue-virginia-town-citing-discrimination-against-tarot-card-readers/ Texas Senate Passes Bill Permitting Faith-Based Bigotry for Licensed Workers https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/04/texas-senate-passes-bill-permitting-faith-based-bigotry-for-licensed-workers/ Clarence Thomas reminds us why we like it better when he shuts up: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/12/clarence-thomas-atheists-cant-be-trusted-since-oaths-mean-nothing-to-them/ The Catholic University of America tries to ban the top 200 porn sites: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/07/the-catholic-university-of-americas-ban-on-the-top-200-porn-sites-wont-work/

Warning, we were going to do a profanity-free episode this week, but then we were like, ah, fuck it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS, WICSS, and by Southwest Airlines, the worst possible thing to happen on an airplane where everyone doesn't die. Southwest Airlines, fuck you. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey, it's Prestston from southern illinois and today when i'm recording this it is april 8th which is just five short years from the time that noah is going

to have to come back to southern illinois to watch the next solar eclipse and to remind himself that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Yeah! It's Thursday. It's April 25th, and it's Poem in Your Pocket Day. Uh, that's your day. Okay, so more like a haiku. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from David Silverman's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Richland's Virginia is besieged by a taroist. Our top ten about the Cincinnati Conference has no mention of Skyline's Chili Toast Crunch. Imagine that. And we'll take the nuanced look at animal fucking that our audience demanded. But first, The Diet Track. look at animal fucking that our audience demanded. But first, the diet track. I know this is going to be hard to believe, but it turns out that Ray Comfort is even more full of shit than we were giving him credit for.

So as we mentioned on episode 321, Ray Comfort is mad at us. Or more accurately, he pretended to be mad at us to serve an ulterior motive on account of all the aforementioned shit that he's full of. But in case you missed that episode or it was drowned out under the 14 scandals in our news cycle that we live in now, here's a quick refresher. In a promotion for our live gamma recorded their convention this year, American A atheists sent out an email to their members that read in part quote god awful movies digs into the truly nefarious messages spread by movies like passion of the christ all the king's horses the accidental activist miracles from heaven and the entire catalog of ray comfort's films sure the movies are poorly made and it would be charitable to describe the cast members as actors but more than, these movies need taking down because of the harmful, even deadly messages they send, end quote. It then goes on to describe a few of those harmful, even deadly

messages, such as, if your husband hits you, pray harder, and if your kid is dying, just pray harder, and if your kid is gay, just pray harder, you get it. Anyway, Ray Comfort gets a hold of this promotion. And if you're inclined to be generous, he misunderstands it. I am not inclined to be generous. So I'll say he intentionally misrepresents it. So he puts up a video using cherry pick quotes to promote a stupid fucking movie. And in the video, he says, quote, if you belong to American atheists, you would have received a newsletter this week from your leaders warning you about our movies. They don't think you're intellectually mature enough to handle seeing any of them.

In fact, they're calling for censorship of the, quote, entire catalog of Ray Comfort's films, end quote. They say, quote, these movies need taking down because of the harmful, even deadly messages they send. And cherry picked ellipsis is in bracket, quote, and actual, I gave you the cherry-picked ellipsisism bracket, quote, end actual, I gave you the full context because I'm not full of shit, quote. Now, he then goes on to invite American Atheists Conference attendees to come see the movie that the atheist leaders don't want you to see,

and he even entices them by promising a free autographed copy of his book and a free banana split to anybody who shows up and presents an AA con badge. Now, there weren't many, but a few of the attendees elected to take Ray up on his offer. I know Mark and Dan from How To Heretic brought a carload or two, and they invited Heath, Eli, and me to come along. In fact, invited is probably understating it a bit. There were threats of physical violence, but ultimately we elected not to go because fuck Ray Comfort up his

banana holster. If Ray Comfort wants me there, I know better than to be there. And sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed when I saw Mark and Dan later that night. And I learned that the invite, the free book, and even the banana split were all a bullshit con job. So let's start with this banana split. OK, picture a banana split in your mind. Are you seeing a banana that has been split? All right, you're already expecting too much. Okay, don't even bother putting scoops of ice cream in an electable assortment of toppings on it. What he actually had were a bunch of solo cups with a sad dollop of store brand ice cream, few banana slices, a half-hearted drizzle of pineapple mucus,

and maybe a single chocolate sprinkle in there somewhere. Right, like if I ordered a banana split at a restaurant, they served me this pathetic parfait. I'd stand atop my table to piss on it. And all the other patrons would react with a slow clap in solidarity. Also, by the way, the banana splits weren't even just for the atheist. They were just given that nine cents worth of confection to everyone who showed up for his dismal little screening. Oh, and the book.

All right. who showed up for his dismal little screening. Oh, and the book? All right, so I read most of it that evening in a bar while conversing with 11 other people in an hour and a half. It was 144 pages long. If you count the bastard cover, the cover page, the dedication, the end notes, and the advertisements for his other books at the end. And to even get there, he needed to arrange the font size,

spacing, and margins like a sophomore that forgot that shit was due this Thursday. It's less of a book than a verbose pamphlet. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if even the autograph on it was scribbled by an unpaid volunteer. But foremost of the bullshit was the invitation itself. In the video, he pretended that the real purpose of inviting the atheist was to extend an olive branch and, you know, reach out to them with a message of friendship to show that he's not the dangerous, even deadly messenger that is intentionally misleading bullshit quote made him out to be. But what he really wanted was a fucking prop. Okay. See the movie he was premiering and the prodigious brochure he was given away along with it is all an effort to

rewrite history in such a way that he's been in on the joke the whole time in fact you know that notorious banana video where he describes the banana using almost exclusively dick words he did that on purpose it was supposed to be a joke and it was all part of his master plan to drive a thin wedge into the atheist movement by being laughably stupid every time he tried to justify the existence of god he was doing all of that on purpose, y'all. And why was this devout evangelical making dick jokes about creationism? Because he knew that would get the atheists of the world to invite him on their podcasts and make fun of him and watch his videos, even if it was just for laughs. Hell, maybe if he was real lucky, one of them would make up a funny Ray Comfort voice and lick him in public. But it was all so that he could trick atheists into listening to the gospel that they'd so studiously avoided their whole lives. Never mind that the average

atheist is way more likely to have read the Bible than the average Christian. Never mind that most of the active atheists used to be at least as devoutly Christian as Ray Comfort. And they used to try to force that very same gospel down the throats and up the asses of every person they met. He's going to tell us his redacted hodgepodge of Jesus myths, and that's going to make the difference. And of course, to sell this message to the assembled audience of elderly bigots and homeless people who are just there for the free pudding cup splits, he needed a group of atheists in the audience at the end of the movie to prove that he was getting through. And sure enough, at the end of the screening, he says something along the lines of, and if you don't really believe my antics can bring in atheists

to hear the gospel, please allow me to introduce this group of atheists from the American Atheist Convention that came down here to be with us today and listen to the gospel. So he misled a bunch of atheists about banana splits, books, and intentions as a step in his effort to mislead a bunch of Christians about a bunch of atheists. At this point, his lies have lies in their lies and somehow buried under this mountain of intentional bullshit upon intentional bullshit upon intentional bullshit. He still tells himself that there's an ultimate truth at the bottom. They're talking about you, Jesus. truth at the bottom. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Iron Man and Thor to my Captain America. That's right, I'm Captain America. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to avenge? And Eli hurt himself trying to swing his mic like a hammer. It's so heavy.

Is it heavy? The mic? No. Alright. Well, that's broken, so now we need a hammer. It's so heavy. Mistake. Is it heavy? The mic? No. All right. Well, that's broken. So now we need a giant dwarf and a neutron star. Damn it. So we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor, Hymns.

Lucinda. Premature ejaculation. It's incredibly funny when it doesn't happen to you. But the fact is, up to 39% of men experience it. Which means that if there are three dudes on a particular podcast, statistically speaking, at least one of them is Heath. That's true. One out of three of us is Heath. But friend and sponsor of the show, 4Hymns, has a science-based prescription solution that can help. Now look, 4HIMS has a science-based prescription solution that can help. Now look, 4HIMS

has written some adorable suggested talking points so that other podcasters don't have to say cetraline has been proven to help erectile dysfunction in some people. But dammit, this is the scathing atheist, and if there's a podcast that can talk about your dick and science,

it's us. So if you're part of the 39%, don't feel down on yourself. Go to 4hims.com and let them connect you to a doctor online who can evaluate you and help identify the right treatment. Plus, our listeners get a special offer. You can get started for just $10. Just go to 4hims.com slash atheist to get started. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash atheist. See website

for full details and safety information. Because erectile dysfunction isn't fun to talk about, 39% of us need to. 39% of this podcast is Heath. He is. Okay. Okay. I see what you're doing.

And we're back for the headlines. Sort of. See, we were all at a con over the weekend so we were kind of working on a short week this week didn't really have time to catch up with the news before we recorded that being said the news cycle moves pretty slow nowadays so we figured a few headlines we stocked up in the weeks before the con would suffice so without further ado we'll join the headlines already in progress and in demographic content warning news tonight, we're technically statistically winning if you define the terms, right? Yeah, that's right. It's time once again for what passes for good news in 2019. And it actually is good news just with a bunch of

caveats. So let me give it to you in the pharmaceutical ad style here. Non-religion, pharmaceutical ad style here. Non-religion. Now the largest religious demographic in America. Non-religion exceeds other major religious demographics by less than the survey's margin of error. Numbers do not hold if mainline and evangelical Protestants are counted as a single demographic.

Christians still outnumber us almost three to one. Prolonged use of non-religion may cause frustration, cynicism, and an unhealthy tendency to cling to slight demographic shifts as though they represent major victories. If you experience scorpion horse locusts, discontinue use of non-religion immediately and consult a priest that never truly believed. You guys can't see it,

but I'm frolicking in a field with my silver-haired husband. Yeah, right. No, of course. Dude, you need to sink this four-foot putt already. It's been forever. We only have the centaur for another ten minutes. The centaur caddy is done in 10 minutes there's nothing we can do what decides what they're gonna film during those that's a weird job so yeah we got some encouraging news from the general social

survey this is a government-funded sociological study that's been run out of the university of chicago since 1972 and it tracks shifts in national attitudes about a variety of topics, and included in these topics, of course, is religion. And upon analyzing the data from 2018, we found that for the first time, the single largest demographic that the survey carves out were nuns, or people answering none on their religious affiliation. And while the absolute difference is so small, it leaves us statistically tied with Catholics. The overall trend is overwhelming. OK, when this survey began in 1972, nuns represented about 5 percent of the population in 2018. That number is 23.1 percent. And not only is it the fastest growing demographic over the last decade, it's the

only growing demographic over the last decade. Wait, only growing demographic over the last decade wait at this rate will our show just be about like brian fisher the guy in 10 years maybe single well it'll be about a sentient pockmark that annihilates human faces like antimatter so yeah yeah yeah it's a different way of saying the same thing now again as good as these numbers are it's worth keeping them in perspective the gss divides people into eight categories and four of them are christian okay so catholic evangelical mainline protestant and black protestant what which is a different religious demographic separate but equal that's good no exactly okay really want to hear the guy justify that he's

like in a meeting and he's like come on guys you know they're all like oh don't don't do the voice frank we said sorry i was caught in the moment we really just moments ago what's what's fucked up is that all of that happened except the guy who said don't do the voice right yep so when you consider all the christian categories together they're at least 69 of the country and i say at least because some of those nuns would be considered christian by any reasonable standard right but the good news is that the trend of decreased religiosity that began in the early 2000s is showing no signs of slowing. Our Patreon should keep growing. And in all churches are bad news tonight. Whenever we report on a story like

the one I'm about to, an atheist very emotionally writes me to tell me, hashtag not all churches. They tell me about their woke Christian friends, about that pastor they know who's just totes magoats cool with gay people. And I always issue the same challenge in response. Let me Google literally any Christian institution or church. And if I can't find direct financial support of evil i will give you 100 spoiler alert i have kept my 100 every single time always and also like this institution that exists to promote demonstrable and harmful lies doesn't directly fund evil shit is such a bad argument you should have to give eli a hundred bucks just

for making it yeah on our patreon scene we're growing it scaling atheists get on it people well uh keeping my hundred dollars just got a whole lot easier this week when thanks to an investigation over at sludge it was revealed that the national christian, the eighth largest charity in America, has donated fifty six point one million dollars over the last two years to over a dozen SPLC listed hate groups. And also worth remembering that the nation's fifth largest charity is the Salvation Army. And they just are a hate group. Right. Not an SPLC one, but they gave a lot of anti-gay money out. Yeah, they cut out the middleman. Exactly.

And while we're on the subject, the biggest Christian charity is a group called Christianity. They cut out the frontman, too, along with the middleman. Yeah, so which hateful bigots has your sweet aunt who loves will and grace been giving her money to well how about frenemies of the show the alliance defending freedom who regular listeners will remember the friend part i don't know yeah we're friendly right like i would go to a brunch with them and other people i'd go to a brunch with anybody for the food, but we're not calling them friends.

That was a bad example. What are we ordering? Where are we going? I'll silently stare at you angrily. That's what I'm saying. Frenemy. Just going to town on eggs every time they start to talk.

Really? Click, click, click. Yeah. Frenemy. Regular listeners will remember the ADF for advocating the sterilization of trans people, trying to make homosexuality

illegal, and calling all gay men pedophiles. Well, those assholes received $49.2 million from the National Christian Foundation from 2015 to 2017 alone. Wow. I mean, at least the KKK has the fiscal responsibility to stick with a few crosses and some gasoline. Like, that's way more efficient.

Yeah, right. How expensive it is to hate people well. Yep. Important ratios. But that's not all. efficient like you're gonna be how expensive it is to hate people well yep important ratios but that's not all the family research council received 5.3 million dollars the david horowitz freedom center got 43 000 americans for truth my personal favorite got a thousand bucks hell they even gave a hundred bucks to American Border Patrol. What? So right, they're getting to the bottom of the barrel

and somebody goes like, y'all, we gotta spend at least some of this hate money on the Mexicans, don't you think? I went to Chick-fil-A instead of Taco Bell today. We're good. Tap it. We did our part. Check. Tippy tap. And you know who's donated

to the National Christian Foundation? Your woke Christian friend. And that pastor who's totes mcgoats is cool with gay people. How much have they given? We don't know. You know why? Because they don't have to tell anybody what they do with their fucking money. Yeah. Because the wokest

sweetest church you've ever met is, at best, a group of helpful people plus lying minus taxes. So again, for the cheap seats, all churches are bad. All of them. All of them. Yep. Yeah. And in Uncle Tom's blabbing news tonight. Supreme Court Justice and plenty of George Bush

seniors friends Clarence Thomas reminded us last week why shutting the fuck up is such a great default setting for him. Can't be burned into the historical record as a native informant if I don't talk. Am I right? Yeah, right. So during a speech to the Pepperdine University School

of Law, Thomas talked about liberal opposition to the potential nomination of Amy Coney Barrett. She was the lady from Handmaid's Tale, the home game, and pretended it was because the liberals don't want any Christians on the Supreme Court, which has to have been why all the Republicans had to carry Sotomayor over the finish line. the Republicans had to carry Sotomayor over the finish line. Anyway, after establishing that the worst thing you could possibly do was imply that a person's ability to be a judge was tied to their religious beliefs, he went on to explain why atheists shouldn't be judges on account of their lack of religious beliefs. Right, right. Yeah, we want to make sure that none of the justices are ever guilty

of sexual harassment and sexual assault, because that would be an embarrassment if the highest court in the land had people like that and christians don't do that stuff so i get where he's coming from yeah boofing all right so let's start with this bullshit democrats persecute christians myth so he's talking about democratic senators questioning bear's writings on how catholic judges should recuse themselves during death penalty cases. And he says, quote, I thought we got away from religious tests, end quote. Not adding, except when we're killing Muslims. He went on to claim, quote, I don't think I know a single judge that allowed religion to interfere with their jobs, end quote.

Not adding, except when we're killing Muslims. But does Clary t really know himself how much time is clarence spent on clarence hmm yeah right yeah no the claim that he doesn't know any judges that let religion interfere with their jurisprudence is pretty hard to square with all the pictures of him with himself also neil gorsuch john roberts sam alito antonin scalia it's led many to suspect that Clarence Thomas is actually the memento guy, but with amnesia. I think he might lack subject permanence. I mean, like, that's actually impressive. Terrifying, but in an impressive way.

Yeah. All right. But at this point, Thomas had only achieved stupidity, and he still had hypocrisy and bigotry to cross off his list. So he then turns his rhetoric on we godless flesh eaters to bolster his point about how religion doesn't affect his judging. He explained how religion affected his judging, namely pointing out that he swore an oath on a Bible not to let his allegiance to the Bible affect the thing he was swearing on the Bible. The Bible wouldn't do there yes he then cast a little shade our way by adding quote I think it's interesting in a profession where we all take an oath that they would look at people who have strong faith as somehow not good people when

if you're an atheist what does that oath mean and I know um it means we're the guys who can do our jobs without a magic spell to stop us from being supremely evil and uh religious people are the other guys yeah no matter how you want to define that yes i'm sorry i just want to say it how seriously can we take someone who doesn't make a promise to a wizard before they become a supreme court judge am i right am i crazy is it just me he looks in the mirror ah holy shit i should be clear he did clarify those remarks later in the speech just in case anybody in the audience was in danger walking away thinking holy shit did clarence thomas just imply that religious people work doubly hard to live up to their oaths?

So he added that when a Christian took an oath, they, quote, work doubly hard to make sure they live up to it, end quote. Not adding, except for marriage vows, am I right, ladies? Who wants to watch a skin flicked? I'm a Supreme Court justice. Oh, Jesus. Who put this pube on my Coke? I'm a Supreme Court justice. Oh, Jesus. Who put this pube on my coke? I'm a Supreme Court justice.

God damn it. And finally tonight, we have a story about the Catholic Church and pornography. And everyone involved appears to be a consenting adult. Oh, good for you.

Congrats, I guess. Right? Congrats, I guess, right? Guys, I mean, you dug a giant hole, you put a bar down there, and then you walked around the side of that hole. Yeah, right, right. And you were fucking kids while you made the hole. It was a weird day. But, you know, this part of the story is good, I guess,

in comparison. So here's what happened. The Catholic University of America, located in Washington, D.C., the story is good i guess in comparison so here's what happened the catholic university of america located in washington dc passed a non-binding resolution in their student body senate this week declaring that the campus internet should ban access to porn sites because porn is quote a grave offense against chastity oh they figured out the only thing worse than teaching your grandma the computer. Teaching your grandma to block your porn on the computer. I mean, not for nothing, but all rules against looking at porn are non-binding eventually, right?

I mean, even scrambling that shit didn't stop us from beating off to it. I've been looking for a scrambled girl for 18 years yeah so this is uh obviously dumb nobody's showing up on campus turning on the internet trying to check out cornhub.com and discovering the existence of porn when they make that typo like not even creepy catholic kids who get sent to their religion's eponymous university would do that. And I know from experience. Yeah, now if anybody knows about jerking off Catholics, wait, I don't get where you're going. No, you play the cookie game differently.

No, no, I do. You play it weird. So here's how I know about this. I grew up in a town full of these kids, these creepy Catholic kids. And I grew up with them back in the age of dial up. And they were fucking ninjas. We all were ninjas. We were like hacking net nanny and setting up satellite links with Pringles cans.

We were putting Audi turbo engines on our modems. with Pringles cans. We were putting Audi turbo engines on our modems. Anything to get those eight pixels of penis and vagina on the screen a little bit faster. Point being, teenagers know about porn, but it gets even dumber. The resolution's plan is to ban the top 200 porn sites end of plan.

No. That's it. That's all they all they're doing university you want kinksters because this is how you get kinksters i mean we want i think we want exactly so yeah now they have a campus full of kids being told don't press the porn button that button right there the porn button don't press it it gives you porn don't press it, it gives you porn, don't press it. But even worse, the kids are allowed to visit the 201st most popular porn site on the internet. And in case you're wondering, porn sites don't get classier as they become less popular. That's not how it works. Now they're just going to have kids trying to watch,

you know, I just want to see Kim Kardashian. Fuck that guy. But now they're going to be like, alright, well, we couldn't find the Kim Kardashian video. Try fuckmyface.com That was number 184. Damn it. Alright. Try

something. We're going to ramp it up. Something a little weirder. pounded in the face by my own butt.com 191 no way fuck all right uh ramp it up one more time try fuck my face way too hard like in a bad way buyahorse.com nice okay all right we got it we got it who brought the cookie who's got it when We got it. Who brought the cookie? Who's got it? When they play, it's a wafer, though. Right. So, okay. So what they're really saying is it's okay to watch internet porn as long as it's not very good.

You lie about it and you get a virus. Okay. I'll give them this. Their policy on sex is at least consistent. Yep. There you go. Yes. This is a very special variation on the streisand effect case anyone's not familiar the streisand effect means an attempt to hide or censor something that ends up having the accidental consequence of publicizing that thing more widely instead and the name comes from the time barbara streisand tried to get pictures of her house off the Internet by yelling about it really loud on the Internet. So this is like the extreme.

This is like Barbara Streisand fucking a horse on camera to distract from the picture of her house on the Internet and then playing that video at the Student Union building. So great work, guys. So, after that visualization, I think we all need a little alone time, probably for different reasons. So, we're going to close off the headlines for the night there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Barbra Streisand, fucking horse on the internet. And when we come back, we'll tell you all about how much better a time we had last weekend than you did. Hey, Tony.

Tony. Hey, Noah Heath. How's business? I'm pretty good. You? Can I have a fruity? Yes, but one. Excellent.

Not so good, Noah. The internet's killing me. Do you want the usual? Yeah, please. Well, why don't you try Wix.com? What flavor should I get? What's Wix.com? It's the easiest and best way to build a website. Alright, let's see. What do we got here?

Oh, two packs of raised juice for you. Awesome. They got the lime back in? I mean, we got the lime back in. You're the best, Tony. Okay, I'm thinking cherry now. That's my first instinct. But how can Wix.com work for Tony D's house of podcast running jokes? Speaking of which, Heath, a six-pack of puns

for you. Alright. Through the Y of the needle. Y of the needle. Classic. Well, see, Wix.com is perfect for any business. They've got hundreds of beautiful templates to build in. Tools for online sales, shipping, emailix.com is perfect for any business. They've got hundreds of beautiful templates to build in.

Tools for online sales, shipping, email addresses for your business, SEO tools, and marketing. Plus, you can design and launch for free. Wow, that does sound good. Oh, does Eli need any more inside jokes? I think he's good. We're trying to actually get him to cut down on those. Are you sure?

I got a sale on references to a car ride you were all on. Ah, you know what? Throw in three. Throw in three. Why sure? I got a sale on references to a car ride you were all on. Ah, you know what? Throw in three. Throw in three. Why not? I thought so. So, how do I build a website with Wix? Well, you can get started now by going to Wix.com that's W-I-X dot com slash podcast to get 10% off. I'm going with Cherry.

I'm doing Cherry. Good choice. Good choice. Thank you. Wix.com slash podcast, eh? Why not? Now, you boys have a good day, okay? Yeah, thanks, Tony. Or, you know, we could just stay. Do what now? Huh?

I mean, I like it here with Tony. It's just us doing a bit. I'm riffing in the background. Eli's doing his character. Maybe we don't have to go back to the news, to the meanness and the cruelty, to losing the fight. Maybe we could just stay here,

where it's nice, where it's funny, you know? Tony, did you sneak some sudden self-awareness and regret into the bag for free, you generous SOB? What can I say? You're my favorite customers. This guy. He's too much. Right?

Right? Right? One of the fun things about going to American Atheists Annual Convention is that it's always held in a hotel that also has other guests just doing other shit. And the look on the faces of that one Christian couple that just got on an elevator with nine people in atheist shirts, one of whom might be R&R, is all by itself worth the price of admission. But it also affords us an opportunity to reach out to people who aren't aware of the atheist movement at all.

Or are in Ra. Yeah, well, that too. So the opening question is pretty much always the same, and it's a question we get from listeners who haven't been to any of the cons as well. They say, what do you do at an atheist convention? And you can tell from the tone that they're usually picturing a bunch of fat, bald guys listing the gods they don't believe in. And that only tells about 90% of the story.

Well, right, right. Yeah. Well, at least 66% of it. So some of the fat guys have hair. Yeah, exactly. So to help answer that ubiquitous question, we'd like to present our top 10 things you didn't know you could do at an atheist convention. And no, none of them are not sit-ups. I mean, it could have been, but it's not on the...

No, you're mean. Whenever I wake up. So number 10, count the veins on Noah's forehead. Okay, so it probably didn't help that I didn't hook up with any weed until Saturday, but holy shit, if you're ever thinking to yourself, I sure could use a shot of rage that'll get me through the next 52 anti-religious

podcast monologues I have to write, may I suggest having lunch at some random restaurant near the convention hotel and then having a woman spot your lanyard and sit down with you and discover after a few minutes of conversation that she's Frady Reese and she's there to give a talk about the widespread practice of forced and child marriages

in the U.s like seriously she runs a whole institution about that she makes her living basically writing about that as a freelance journalist like seriously if you want to be reminded why we do this shit why the atheist movement needs your passion and your dedication why your activism matters nothing could be more effective than spending a couple of minutes in conversation with religion's victims and their most intimate advocates absolutely we got jill stein doing the recount on no any minute it's a lot number nine find atheists near you so i just want to point out. More than a dozen people at the convention told me they had found out about a group they didn't know existed near them. I mean, I think we all agree that

atheism sometimes can feel pretty fucking lonely no matter where you live. And I just got to see a bunch of people realize how not alone they are in their tiny towns all over the U.S. And it felt really good to watch people find a community. Absolutely. All right. At number eight, seeing the youngest generation of atheists being politically active.

That was fun. For real. Yeah. It was great. And when I say youngest, I mean, we got to see entire families

with kids of all ages and these kids were actually participating in the conversation. It was fantastic. Smarter than me. The future of logic might actually be a real thing.

Probably still no, but maybe. So again, when you picture an atheist conference in your head, you're seeing a bunch of overweight, bald, single, 37-year-old white men who are 37, socially awkward, and so socially awkward that it becomes a running bit on a podcast. That's what you're picturing. I get it. But we actually got to see some future overweight, bald, single, socially. It was nice. And also, I mean, seriously, some genuinely amazing kids. I met a mom and her 11-year-old daughter, and this kid had the moxie to create a skepticism club at her middle school in Kentucky. Oh, nice.

So impressive. And they focused on learning the critical thinking that's somehow left out of the public school curriculum. And I'm pretty sure pretty much every private school curriculum, too. And this made me so happy. I actually asked her. I was like, it's an atheism club, right? And she's like, yeah, idiot. But we're not going to call it that.

It's the skepticism club. Stop blowing our cover, 38-year-old. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure this will come crashing down when whatever school shuts down the club and then the club loses a series of court cases decided by judges in stolen bench seats. But I'm happy for now. You know, I was happy until now. It's gone again. It's gone real fast. It's 2019. Yeah, I was happy for a second there. Did you guys hear that right when I was there for a second? Yeah, it was smart

11 but now it's now it's well that was great but now the problem with it was is that that led to a whole lot of yeah that coloring book's probably not for you that coloring book that we have on our no that's a grown-ups coloring coloring book we have all right so we heard about a coloring book they got a coloring book it's good yeah okay Yeah. Okay, good. All right. So number seven, volunteer. One of the most frequent questions in our inboxes is some variation of, okay, what can I do? Well, atheist conventions can really help you with that. Most of them actually have volunteer work during the con itself, right? Like American Atheist devoted a whole afternoon to the con just to packing lunches for homeless people in the area. And most of the other cons have stuff like that going on concurrently with the conference.

But beyond that, they also have a room full of organizations looking for volunteers. Camp Quest, Recovering from Religion, Black Nonbelievers, Planned Parenthood. There was a whole room full of people

who were saying, hey, here's what you can do, right? Some of it was local in-person stuff. A lot of it was groups looking for online volunteers. So there's a lot that you can find right there in one place. Also, Planned Parenthood lady said

we're her favorite convention. So just throwing that out there. Number six, learn something. Now, this isn't for me, but it's for a lot of people. One of the biggest misunderstandings people have about skeptic and atheist conventions

is that they imagine all of the speeches are just like, look how right we are about everything speeches. And if the last three or four years of cons we've attended are evidence, that is literally never the case. Right, yes. Right?

You got people talking about space nerd stuff. You got smart people talking about philosophy nerd stuff, us being funny. But more importantly, I'd argue there is no other place you'd get access to such a wide range of academics and professional thinkers yes yeah unless you make it a habit of going to academic conferences none of which are general and almost all of which are not open to the public this is a great way to meet and learn from smart people you share interests with

unless you're me in which case the buffet is almost always open, and you can get in there, people are listening to Obergefell, so you can just nah, you know? What was a buffet? Breakfast buffet, man, get woke. That's right. Alright. Kind of mad about that. They just throw those pancakes away. Just gonna dwell

on that for a second mentally. Please. That's your number five. At number five, pancakes. Unlimited, they have to give them to you. It's a buffet. All right, fine. I'll do a different number five. At number five, seriously though,

getting some perfect new ideas for God awful movies from a street preacher. This is not who I expected to be helping with that. So whenever atheists assemble together, as many of you know, Christian people all over that area get their little Google alert and, you know, it's probably a fax, but whatever,

and they all panic because they project their crazy onto us and they assume we've got, you know, dead babies stewing around in a giant cauldron somewhere in the back of the hotel which might actually make the magic spells work in their head unlike their christmas yeah uh-huh they think we're basically warlocks just like them but with top shelf ingredients they get their mob together and the guy who can you know read pretty good gets bullhorn and they try to talk us out of the dead baby spells but eventually they're just sitting in

a parked minivan in the rain doing nothing because that's how it goes so one guy decided to wander into our hotel and do some preaching. And he sees me walking by and says, hello, sir. So already I'm thinking, you know, how do I make this guy cry? I need to make this guy cry. But then he hands me a card that has a promo code for six free Christian movie downloads.

And I was like, all right, wow. You just handed me six bullets that only work on dead babies, and you don't even realize. I might as well own a gun that fits this card inside to kill dead babies. Fantastic. And I walked away very, very happy about

that. All right, so number four, this is kind of a weird one, a little idiosyncratic, but at an atheist convention, you can get politely kicked out of a hotel room. So, all right, so I'm at the bar, and I think it was Friday night, maybe it was Saturday night. After the show, a listener comes up, and he's like, hey, I've got all this weed and nowhere to smoke it. So I, ever the altruist, offer up a spot in my very own hotel room where he can partake of that. So we head up with a few other folks.

We're in the room smoking up. We get a little loud. It's one in the morning. So at a certain point, the people in the next room over knock on the wall and they're like, hey, can you keep it down? And we're like, oh shit, our bad. So sorry. We're going to head back down to the bar. And then they yell back. Thank

you. And we yell back. You're welcome. Sorry we woke you. And they yell back. I love atheist conventions. There are zero gods. The only morality is the one we create. I love atheist conventions. There are zero gods. Woo! Woo, yes! Yeah, right.

The only morality is the one we create. I agree with everything you've said through a wall so far. Were you guys fucking? Yeah. You? No. It's atheist convention. No.

I love that I found out. I was telling that story to Anna like the next day. I was telling her about that. And she goes, wait a minute. Are you in room 2716? And I'm like, yeah. She's like, I was on the other side.

The people were knocking were on one side and we were just waiting for them to knock. Me and Eli were playing hacky sack in a hotel room at one in the morning. Full of white hot hatred. We were the ones who lied. Yes, we're fucking.

All right. Number three, see the actual atheist community. Now, I know I'm a bit of a broken record on this, but like it can be sometimes difficult to exist solely on the Internet as an atheist. Right. Because you get lumped in with a bunch of unsavory folks who have absolutely nothing to do with you except for how many gods they believe in. So walking around an 800-person convention

with a trans MC, friend of the show, Callie, right? Jim Obergefell as the speaker, and no shitlords, none, none shitlords can do your body some good, right right and not to belabor the point but if you don't go to conventions because you're afraid of shit lords take it from three people who have absolutely no patience for them they aren't there it's just a bunch of supportive chubby people in atheism t-shirts doing service projects and being a little too nice to the girl at the Planned Parenthood booth and you should experience that because that's the atheist community you deserve and it's already there you just have to show up you just have to come well said sir

absolutely all right number two we got to watch I love that this is your number two yeah right right one of the best parts of the weekend that was pretty much had nothing to do with atheism anyway. Best part, unrelated. This is just a great thing about hanging out with Heath and Andrew. This is so fun. We got to watch the boring

hotel bar jazz band transform into hot sex on a platter just before our eyes. Magically eyes magically so we're having drinks at the hotel bar and there's a four-piece jazz combo it's all old white people they're playing old standard stuff because that's what the hotel managers tell them to play it's basically meant to be live music but our table of idiots is already several rounds in. So we decide music is absolutely unacceptable, especially because the singer is actually very talented.

And you could tell she was just dying inside with every boring bar of those old standards. So we start talking about what songs we'd want to hear her sing if she wasn't stuck with this mundane set list by which heath means they start shouting those songs at well we started shouting you're getting ahead you're getting ahead of the story but yeah no they couldn't even hear what we were shouting because we were like and they were like i can't can can you be a little bit less just no we're gonna we're doing the set list. You're being weird. Whatever. They end up taking a set break.

So I go over, I get them a round of drinks and ask if they'd be willing to take a request. Maybe some Janis Joplin. And most of the band, they were cool about it, but they were like, yeah, you know, we haven't really practiced that stuff. And I totally get that. Like I was soft peddling the idea because, you know, requests can be a pain in the ass. But you could tell the singer was furious. Like, I was soft peddling the idea because, you know, requests can be a pain in the ass. But you could tell the singer was furious with the rest of the band and really wanted to break out some Janice and just yell at the rest of them to keep the fuck up as best you can. I'm doing goddamn Janice. But she doesn't do that. So I go back to the table and explain that it's probably not going to happen. But then the singer walks over and tells us that if we saw her singing with a different band a few years ago, she'd be wailing on Janice. She loves Janice Joplin, as do we. And she explains how the hotel just wants Muzak and how she has a band of cowards backing her up. Her words, not ours.

Her words, not ours. But then she goes back on stage yes locks eyes violently with the rest of her band one by one she turns back to her piano player stares at him to the bass player stares at him to the piano to the drummer stares at him then she turns back to us with a huge smile and goes right into Janis Joplin's Turtle Blues. Yes, she did. And we go nuts. It was the best.

This tiny little, like, 60-year-old white lady was a goddamn rock star that night. I had, oh, hot sex on a platter, just like that. She looked like a French substitute teacher, but she had the voice of an angel. a platter, just like that. She looked like a French substitute teacher, but she had the voice of an angel. Also, in case you're wondering, yes, she was very much trying to sleep with Heath, and he was not picking that up. Not at all. Yeah, it's a bit of a theme

of our conference. I feel like, but she had the voice, and those are both positive. Yeah, right. No, those are both very positive things. But it's a weird choice there. I did not pick up on that. That would have been... You have to... Code. You have to yell out the code. Didn't we come up with the code? The code is this person is trying to have sex

with you. So, yeah. Say that. Still doesn't work. It's just hard to do that when you're sitting next to a person that's trying to have sex with you already. Alright, so finally at number one, find your calling. Okay? I don't mean to overstate this. Okay, no, I can't overstate it.

It is not overstating things in the slightest to say that my first convention experience changed my fucking life okay after a couple of years of listening to the skeptics guide to the universe i decided to check out their annual convention the northeast conference on science and skepticism i would recommend it i spent one day there i didn't even spring for the two-day ticket and after spending like most of a day among my own people, people who absolutely were not going to ask what church I went to or what my sign was, or if I tried extract of mango for that cough, people who respected good arguments more than florid verbiage, people

who peppered conversations about geology with profanity and math jokes. After spending a day with them and feeling more at home in a crowd than i ever had before i decided to dedicate my life to helping build expand and maintain that community and we all bring different shit to the party so the calling i found probably not going to be the calling that you might find but you never know what's calling if you don't answer the fucking phone and also we were there we were there we were funny i dressed yeah you can also lose your voice while you're there too if, if you try super hard. Okay, so if you're thinking to yourself, damn, that sounds like fun. Sure wish I was there.

Then we've done our jobs, and we'll see you in Phoenix in 2020. Yeah. Maybe meeting you will be on the list next year. That's right. Try to fuck Heath. You will fail. We got to get that band. It's time for the part of the show that comes next.

Listener feedback. This is the part of the show that stings like a butterfly and floats like a bee just to be a contrarian. All right. Our first message comes from Smeagol, who says, boy, I sure liked the Eliah tribe more than anything that old curmudgeon Noah ever did. That should probably be how you open all the shows from now on. Also, Eli, have you lost weight?

That's not a real email. It is real. I am really, you don't even have access to the show's email account. I get those. Yeah. And you spelled curmudgeon with a K and a J. Smeagol did is who spelled it wrong.

Smeagol. Yeah. Okay. So just to review, you had to come up with a fake name for your emailer and you went with Smeagol? I panicked. This is scripted.

You wrote this in the script and that. And then you wrote for me, you now what, Eli? You misspelled your own name right there. Eli is right. He's in charge when I'm did. There's supposed to be an A in that word. You did that.

You wrote it. No, I did not. Okay. Okay. Our first real message comes from Drew, who asks, I recognize that in the course of doing your shows, you have to give money to some pretty unsavory characters

Pure Flix, Ray Comfort whatever racist wrote the bible etc and as a patron I worry about that sometimes I guess I was just wondering if there's anything you do to offset the dollars you give to the bad guys it's a great point

I actually got the same question at the convention this week and then went back and tried to find an email related to it for this segment I have to admit after watching unplanned in theaters this has been weighing on my mind a lot lately so you know how you can't confess to

crimes on your recorded podcast everyone but you knows that instinctively so let me just what I will say is that recorded podcast. Everyone but you knows that instinctively. That's super obvious. What I will say is that the amount I have given to bad people is less than $20 in probably the entire course of all of our

shows, and I look amazing in an eye patch. Okay, but seriously, though, like, really, honestly... You gotta stop doing the Nick Fury thing. It's not. Your third of our Pure Flix subscription is 45 bucks a month, right? So like there actually is, it's not a considerable amount, but by the end of the year, it actually adds up. So actually, after considering this question for a while, and we've done some stuff in

the past to offset it, I just want to do it more publicly. So I'd like to institute a new Puzzle in a Thunderstorm policy where we're going to donate $2 for every $1 that we spend on pure flicks, movie tickets, Christian cinema, etc. And we're going to donate that to modest needs. And we're going to put it online and everything so it's very clear to everyone who's a patron to the show that, yes, some of your money goes to David A.R. White. More of it goes to Planned Parenthood and David A.R. White's name, though, right? Right. And we'll let the patrons

vote on where we should spend it and whose name we should put it in. Maybe Mike Pence sometimes. Yeah, exactly. I get it. I should point out, this also drives at a larger question we get, which is the sort of like, aren't you giving these people exposure or views or clicks?

Spoilers for a coming gam uh ray comfort seems to think that we're the reason he's so popular yeah and while that is probably true to like a very small extent i sort of weigh the work that our reviews slash conversation does against the bad ideas and i consider our stuff sort of a vaccination if you will like yes there's no question we have generated ray some clicks but we have also provided several dozen hours of refutation to his bullshit and ultimately i think the latter will be more valuable than the former yeah also i really don't picture too many atheist podcast listeners being like who who's this Ray Comfort guy? Click. Hold on

now. This banana is my nightmare. I can't see that happening. It's a great stand-up bit. You missed it. Great. It's his car. It only works if you have an audience. It's flat otherwise. It's great when there's an audience

of Christians laughing way too much that I pump up the audio on and edit. Yeah. Kirk Cameron. Just Kirk Cameron will do too. Okay. So we also got several responses to a story that we did on episode 320 about Kentucky finally making it illegal to fuck animals for fun and profit. And during that headline, we marveled about how narrowly the state chose to define the ban. The wording outlawed any sexual act that's, quote, committed between a person and an animal for the purposes of sexual arousal, sexual gratification, abuse, or financial gain, end quote.

So, you know, it seemed like it really didn't matter why you were fucking the animal. Yeah. But that being said, I am glad whoever's fucking the animal now has to be flaccid, ungratified, sensual, and pro bono. Yeah, right. No, it's better. Definitely better. So as it turns out, there is a reason it does matter. And several of our listeners wrote in to let us know about it. Not all of them sent video of people jerking off pigs, but not all of them didn't either. But yeah, as it happens, animal breeders and farmers and anybody involved in animal husbandry

has to get involved in the SACS Act here and there, including occasionally jerking off an animal for the purposes of obtaining a semen sample or some semen for semen purposes, whatever. So it does matter why you... Semen, quay, semen. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, sometimes you just need, you know, some protein. But

the point is, it matters why you beat off the pig. And if there's any group of people that don't deserve unwarranted disrespect heaped upon them, it's people who whack off pigs for a living, so apologies. I guarantee there are Christian farmers out there who have a lady jerk off the pigs so it's not gay. That has to exist. It's got to happen. It's out there. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Pushback on the pushback. Aren't the people doing it for financial gain? Like, didn't Kentucky just put horse wankers out of business? Shenanigans. Well, as long as the farmer is flaccid, ungratified, sensual, and gives away that semen for free, they're fine. No, actually, that was embedded in some of the emails that we got. That financial gain clause is already causing a bit of consternation for animal breeders

in Kentucky and will probably end up being struck. Anyway, though, sorry for our error. To be honest, if we'd really thought about this for a little longer, it probably would have been obvious to us. So I guess the real takeaway is shame on us for not lingering on animal fucking thoughts a little bit longer for you. And finally, we got an email from Sean who says, quote, I've recently realized I'm an atheist, but my wife still goes to church, believes in God, etc. How do I tell her? End quote.

Gradually. So we get questions about this pretty regularly. And in my opinion, what you have to understand is that for a lot of religious people, I no longer believe in God doesn't mean I no longer believe in God. It means that I don't believe in love. I don't value the same things as you do. I want different things. I want the world a different way. And some of that might be true now that you don't believe in same things as you do. I want different things. I want the world a different way. And some of that might be true now that you don't believe in God. And some of it might not be true. That's between you and your wife. But the mistake that I personally have seen made too many times is people who just sort

of dump their non-belief on someone they care about without considering how it's going to affect them. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to like play along with religion or, you know, say something that you don't mean, but it does mean taking the time to have some conversations with your spouse about how they will feel about your lost faith and about your doubts. Well, I think that's good advice, but I also want to like kind of point out here that marital advice is kind of like illegal advice in the degree to which one should take it from a podcast. No two marriages are alike.

You know your relationship better than we do. You know all the variables like how religious she is, how important is religion to her, how religious her family is, how comfortable she is with confrontation, how comfortable you are with confrontation. The point is there isn't a one size fits all solution to this. That being said, there are a lot of people on our Facebook page and other less public forms like private Facebook pages, invitation Facebook pages that have been through exactly this situation and could probably help you a ton. And if you want to know Heath's opinion on how to have your marriage work out, end of segment.

That's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we tally up the score tonight, I want to thank everybody that came out to see us in Cincinnati, and I want to welcome all the new listeners who are at American Atheists Convention for totally non-us-related reasons and learned about this show brand new.

You got a lot of catching up to do, but the key to getting the inside jokes is that Eli doesn't actually want to have sex with children. If he did, he'd be a Catholic priest. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister

show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be demoted to sub-host if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for making sure his home city was on its best behavior while the atheists were there. I need to thank eli bosnick for eventually agreeing to just pretend that he had a banana in his ass during the live show i want to thank the lovely

and talented lucinda illusions for putting up with me in airports again also want to apologize on her behalf for the lack of twim this week she's a little bit under the weather she's still catching up from aacon but she will be back next week i also want to thank preston for providing this week's farms with quote slash painful memory. It was a lovely cloud, though, Preston. The cloud was lovely. And if I'd been looking at an eclipse, I never would have seen that lovely cloud. OK, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most ageless atheist. Trenton, David, Dave, other Dave, Nate, Masab, Cock and Balls made from an eight.

Some equal signs in a D. Rain, Oiven, Samantha, Strategic Procrastination, Panspermia owes Earthback support. I've got nothing clever to say. Just take my money. Don Ford, Voice of Fantasy Adventure, Cap, Strategic Procrastination, Panspermia, O's, Earth, Back, Support, I've Got Nothing Clever to Say, Just Take My Money, Don Ford, Voice of Fantasy, Adventure, Cat, But I'm Vegan, Scarlet, Jamie, Trank, M, Dakota, Kid, Danny, Bradley, Michael, Dude, George, Mark, and Zachary. Trenton, David, Dave, Other Dave, and Nate, who have to use vibranium condoms if they want to be sure. Masab, Cock and Balls, Rain, Oiven, Samantha, and Strategic Procrastination, who would have gone for the head. Panspermia, Nothing Clever, Don, Cat, and Vegan, whose IQs have more points than Doctor Strange, has alternative futures. Scarlett, Jamie, Drake, Dakota, Kid, and Danny, who are so sexy they could fuck more people than Thanos' snap.

And Bradley, Michael, Dude, George, Mark, and Zachary, who come with such vigor and duration that Marvel had to get their permission to use the term Infinity Stones. Together, these 26 people, strategies, legal analyses, and samplings of pornographic ASCII art join forces to give us money. If you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com, and if you'd like to help, but, you know, you feel like all these mad podcasting dollars are leaving us a little spoiled, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter, and telling a friend about the show, preferably an atheist friend who listens to podcasts. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres,

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