The Scathing Atheist - 324: Levite Club Edition

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

In this week’s episode, we actively want your money, we learn that the sandworms of Arrakis like to both spit AND swallow, and Anna will somehow exceed your expectations. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Guest Links: Check out the Mish Mash podcast here: http://www.mishmashpod.com/ Headlines: HuffPo expose on Pastor Manning is not flattering: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/harlem-atlah-church-james-david-manningn5cba0a9ae4b06605e3ee5cde Kuwaiti woman promotes semen-eating, butt-worm-killing pills to "cure" gayness: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/24/kuwaiti-woman-promotes-semen-eating-butt-worm-killing-pills-to-cure-gayness/ TX AG Opens Investigation into San Antonio’s Rejection of Airport Chick-fil-A: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/03/29/tx-ag-opens-investigation-into-san-antonios-rejection-of-airport-chick-fil-a/ Hermeticists sue Virginia town citing discrimination against tarot card readers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/05/hermeticists-sue-virginia-town-citing-discrimination-against-tarot-card-readers/ This Week in Misogyny: Christian Mom: Wives who don’t wanna fuck shouldn’t worry; it won’t last long: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/30/christian-mom-wives-who-refuse-sex-should-get-over-it-since-it-wont-take-long/ Bishops Are Closing Loopholes That Let Catholic Hospitals Provide Contraception: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/04/25/bishops-are-closing-loopholes-that-let-catholic-hospitals-provide-contraception/ Steve Anderson banned from another country: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/01/christian-hate-preacher-steven-anderson-is-banned-from-entering-the-netherlands/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanities that are really catchy and might make you start singing them to yourself later when you really shouldn't be singing about dick-related stuff. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by our patrons. Why aren't you a patron? Do you hate us? You hate us. And now, The Scathing Atheist. John Benet Ramsey. Nope, wrong show. You know who John Benet Ramsey. Wrong show. You know who's great at acting? Also wrong show.

Diatribe. Yep, that's the one. All right. I'm Jen. And I'm Will, and we host the Mish Mash podcast. And coming from the state that brought you the Westboro Baptist Church. Boo! And helium.

Yay! Yay! We can confirm that we did, in in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And filthy monkey women. Hey, Jen, did I tell you I got to meet them in Denver? I hate you. It's Thursday. It's May 2nd. And it's time for our Matrion fundraiser, baby.

Please give us your money. Give us your money. Yeah, low key, low key, like we Please give us your money. Give us your money. Yeah, low key, low key, like we said. Okay, great. I'm Noah Luzens. I'm Elon Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Stockholm, Sweden, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia,

this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, please give us your money. Okay. We learn that the sandworms of Arrakis like to both spit and swallow. And Anna will somehow exceed your expectations. But first, the diatribe. Heath is stupid good at Smash Brothers.

I mean, to be honest, Heath is stupid good at any competitive thing that he's done more than three times. But even compared to how good Heath is at shit, he's good at Smash Brothers. to how good Heath is at shit, he's good at Smash Bros. So years ago, when Eli was just an acquaintance, he gets in a conversation with Heath and reveals that he, too, is stupid good at Smash Bros. In fact, he confessed that he barely played the game anymore since it had been years since anybody could give him a real challenge. Needless to say, Heath was excited he issued such a challenge, and Eli reluctantly agreed to come out of retirement and teach him a lesson or two.

Now, it's New York City. It takes at least an hour to get from anywhere to anywhere. So it takes a while for him to find a time when he's going to be off of work and Eli's going to be off of work and they can all get together in one place. So for a couple of weeks, the shit talk just keeps escalating. Heath is cautiously optimistic about his chances and Eli is a wall of confidence. optimistic about his chances and Eli is a wall of confidence Eli's friends keep slipping shit into conversation with Heath about how incredible he is at video games especially Smash Brothers they caution him not to get too excited as Eli may very well be the best video game player in the known universe and Smash Brothers may just be his best game but never one to back down from a

challenge Heath presses forward and after a couple of of weeks of WrestleMania levels of vituperation, the day finally arrives. And by now, it's a huge thing, right? Everybody who works in this store is all excited about it. Heath and I lived in a house in Queens with a bunch of roommates. It was kind of a hangout house to begin with, so when the two of them sat down for the match, there's at least a dozen people crowded in to get a glimpse of this long-anticipated brawl. And 18 seconds later, it's over

because Eli wasn't actually good at Smash Bros. or video games in general, really. And it's not like he thought he was good and then Heath taught him otherwise. He'd just been fucking with Heath the whole time. He was cashing in favors with friends to get him to talk up his video game skills. So Heath just beat his ass six matches in a row or something.

And they sat there like Geraldo in Al Capone's vault until Eli broke out laughing and admitted he'd only played the game maybe a half a dozen times before. Heath had been training for this. He'd been playing for hours a night just to make sure his skills were in top form for this bout. He'd damn near written a will, and it was for nothing. He probably could have won if he'd only been allowed to put one hand on the controller. And sure, he bested his opponent, but the look on his face sure wasn't victorious. And as idiosyncratic as that story is, I think it represents a pretty universal emotion shared by any well-read atheist that ever found themselves in any argument in real life with a

theist right you come in there you get your biblical references your epistemological constructs your philosophical argumentation your practice refutations for presuppositionalism the morality arguments appeals to historicity and then they say they believe in god because arcanologist done found noah's ark like like seriously sans the mispronunciation i've actually gotten that argument consider for a second how ridiculously bad that argument is first of all just no right just just not a true statement but even if it was it wouldn't prove god even if it was, it wouldn't prove God's existence. It wouldn't even be evidence for God's existence. Hell, since the Ark story predates the biblical version, it wouldn't even be evidence for Noah's existence. But they saw a headline

in the National Enquirer while they were checking out at the Walmart claiming that somebody found Noah's Ark, and they just filed that away in their mind as proof that the Bible is true and God loves them. Right. That's a constant problem for us. I mean, if you're one of those people that thinks about shit logically and requires a coherent worldview to get through the day, you're probably going to shuck off religion on your own if it was ever there to begin with. Virtually every atheist I've ever met that started off religious eventually abandoned their faith because they realized it didn't actually make sense, right? They tried their damnedest to pound the round peg of genocide into the square hole of a loving, omnipotent being, but ultimately they had to admit that there was no way to balance the equation

without erasing God. And so with good personal evidence of its effectiveness, they set out to persuade other believers using those same logical arguments to convince them only to find that they've got such a head start in the race that the other guy can't even hear him from where he is unless they shout. Right. You go out there ready to beat back the first mover argument and they give you the tides going in and out. Now, I'm not saying there are no well-informed Christians out there. I'm just saying those aren't the ones most of us find ourselves challenged by. Right? Because of my public position, I get plenty of well-informed emailers that are copying and pasting the very best apologetics their religion has to offer.

But when a person I actually run into finds out I'm an atheist, I get National Enquirer headlines. Of course, if I was just saying this to belittle the intelligence of christians it wouldn't really be worth doing a diatribe about i mean i guess if i was doing that and it afforded me the chance to share that smash brothers story about eli maybe it would be but but the point is that there's a point to all this so i get feedback sometimes from people who take us to task for dealing with the very worst in christian argumentation you know come on ray comfort isn't what people really believe. They'll say stuff along the lines of, look, if you really want to convince people, tackle

the best arguments they have to offer. Don't strawman with dumbass arguments from Ray Comfort and National Enquirer headlines. And that would be fair, except that we're not trying to convince anybody. If I wanted a Christian to listen to this show, I'd say fuck less. And I'd say fuck Jesus way less. What we're trying to do when we talk about apologetics here is arm our audience with the kind of rebuttals they might need in a real world conflict. The right analogies and shit to start off on the right foot. And in the real world, you're not being asked to justify your atheism to William Lane Craig.

You're being asked by that lady in the break room that has to be periodically reminded not to use the N word. I'd venture to say that every time I've actually lost an argument about religion with a religious person, it's because I've overestimated them. You know, they tossed out something so absurdly stupid that I just laughed at it. And after that, it didn't really matter how good my rebuttal was. I just laughed at them. So, sure, arm yourself matter how good my rebuttal was i just laughed at him so sure arm yourself against the best they have to offer someday it might come in handy but never underestimate the stupidity of religion they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight as a man who wasn't deemed good enough to go with Eli and Anna on their romantic European getaway, Heath Enright.

Rude. Rude. Eli is going to rejoin us later for the parts of the show that we recorded before he left. But for now, you're going to have to be the one that wants to dig up Phyllis Schlafly and Desecrator Corpse. You up to the challenge? Okay. Here's the thing. To get into that crypt, I'll have to get past Kellyanne Conway and the Hamburglar. But I'll do my best. I'll see what i can do all right well while heath takes three for the team

this week's sponsor us last year we broke our record and smashed our expectations when we did our annual vulgarity for charity fundraiser And the whole time we were watching those donations for the needy roll in, we kept thinking to ourselves, man, how awesome would it be if we could just keep all that shit? So this month, we're pleased to announce a whole new fundraiser for just us. Through the month of May, we're revamping our Patreon page, adding a bunch of new cool shit, guilting people who haven't donated into donating, and guilting people who have donated into donating more. Because, damn it, money is awesome. And as a special bonus, if we can raise our Patreon goal by $250 this month, we're going to invite all our patrons to the first ever

Puzzle in a Thunderstorm Pajama Party livestream. We're going to bring the whole team together for a livestream in our jammies. If you want in, all you got to do is become a patron before the month is over or already have been a patron before the month started. So if you want bonus episodes, AMAs, extended regular episodes, early access,

swag, and Eli to fuck your dad, head over to patreon.com slash scathing atheist. Check out the all new perks and give us your money. But not like not in an I'm mugging you way. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Pastor James David Manning came roaring back into the news cycle this week. When an expose of the Huffington Post revealed that he's so much goddamn worse than we were giving him credit for.

He really is. Yeah. Fucking Robert Mueller had to write a letter to HuffPost saying they were way too nice about it in the expose. Yeah. He's a monster. Fucking monster. Okay, so it's been a while since Manning's earned mention on the show. So let me give a quick refresher here.

He's the asshole homophobe in Harlem that really made a name for himself when he suggested that Starbucks was spiking their lattes with semen like in an effort to gay up their customers literally though not exactly that's literally no that's literally what he was no and then a fucking friend of the show adam reeks made a video with a fake interview with him where he was talking about how gay he was and he's so fucking stupid that he sent it out to his listeners yeah that's the guy. Also earns an honorable mention on the show by like warning that gay people were going to ride around Harlem

on flaming chariots at one point. Yep. Asking God to give gay rights activists syphilis and HIV. I feel like the syphilis is really superfluous at that point. Jesus. But also also earn mention on the show for racking up a seven-figure

unpaid utility bill that nearly cost him his church. Okay. How the fuck do you run up a seven-figure utility bill? Right? That carried, like, I feel like that's on the power company

at this point. At some point, they were like, okay, this guy owes us 900 grand for plutonium that he's been running the faucets. These plutonium space heaters. Should we shut him off? He's good for it. He doesn't pay taxes, right?

What the fuck? Yeah. Okay. So, well, that was the last we heard of him. After being a mainstay on the show for years, he sort of just kind of dropped off the map in January of 2016. And my Google alert just got all cobwebby and dusty, lulling me into the assumption that he actually did lose his church. But HuffPo disabused me of that misconception this week with a massive expose, which suggests that accusing Starbucks of whacking off in your coffee might have been the least immoral thing he'd ever done intentionally. off in your coffee might have been the least immoral thing he'd ever done intentionally yeah in fairness most of the things he says don't feel at all intentional well that's true

honestly if you watch him talk he seems like a slow-witted alien speaking phonetically for the first time in english just saying the sounds and who usually seems to be thinking on a 10 minute delay from the words that are coming out also his eyes you can see him trying to like figure through something he said 10 minutes ago like if you commit a verbal hate crime while you're buffering it's the legal ramifications are tricky i would say no that's that is true give him a pass all right so it turns out manning has been able to hold on to his church somehow, despite still owing the city over a million dollars in a water bill. And in addition to the church itself, he also retained control of the attached K through 12 school, which he uses to torture and sexually harass children. Yes.

Pastor Manning is teaching children. People were entrusting their kids to the semen in the lattes guy. That's on them. That's it's on your as well. Yeah, but not on the fucking kids, right? No. And that went about as well as you would expect.

The expose details several chilling accounts of abuse, including one kid that spent three days being kept in a dark rodent filled basement for eight hours a day and a female student who got a surreptitious recording of manning telling her how much he wanted to take off her stockings and blouse and look at her body oh gross okay and all right i i know i'm losing focus on the headline here but using the word blouse in that situation, that should make the crime way worse. That's terrifying.

Who says, just say shirt, you fucking weirdo. Sorry, it's not the point. No, that's not the worst of it. Yeah. We zoom way out on the fractal. Blouse though? God, what? Okay.

So keep in mind, even when they weren't getting physically or sexually abused, his students were still being given a curriculum that told them gay people were demons doomed to hell. Manning's slur-filled homophobic YouTube videos were required viewing in the classrooms. Hell, to get to the school, they had to walk under a marquee that would say something like Jesus with stone homos or Obama is a Muslim or something. Yeah. And a quick side note, you reminded me of my favorite Pastor Manning story. Do you remember when that amazing lesbian woman showed up at the church? Oh, yes. And just like volunteered's like, I'm here for my stoning, please, for my crimes. And Manning was like, stop looking at me.

I can't get it up while you're looking at me. Stoning stones are in the shop this week. My second favorite after him retweeting Adam's video. And look, there's a lot more in this expose than just the fucked up shit he did to his students. It talks about him demanding congregants give him access to their bank accounts, splitting families up, telling his congregants where to work. Basically, all the cult

leader shit shy of the Kool-Aid. There's literally not enough room in this episode for me to hit on all the terrible shit they reveal. But there is room for me to remind you that the expose is linked in the show notes and i recommend you give it a perusing all right next up in headlines we have a fascinating story out of kuwait about this one simple trick to cure your gayness by shoving something up your ass. Oh, okay. For a second, I didn't think I'd like this.

Your curiosity has peaked, I can tell in your voice. Thanks to New Age therapist Dr. Mariam Al-Soel, gay people can finally experience the bliss of being alive and unjailed in Kuwait by not being gay anymore. Okay, so sort of. Yeah, it's a sort of, yeah. And all they need to do is use a very simple suppository that addresses the come eating ass worm that makes people gay. And of course, combine that with a diet that's rich in hetero food. I'm sorry, what? A diet that's rich in hetero food i'm sorry what uh a diet that's rich

in hetero food is what i know uh no not that um yet um the the first thing the oh the the suppository that satiates the come eating ass worm inside your rectum that makes you gay in order to keep itself well fed with plenty of semen and and therefore you become hetero that part i i feel like we've been over this have we have we not i mean i talked about this like i can see what you think like the worms in my ass are a frequent topic but i don't recall this one specifically coming up okay sorry okay so uh here's how it works according to dr al soel in a video from a news show with 1.25 million views when I last checked, quote, I discovered therapeutic suppositories that curb the sexual urges of boys of the third gender, as well as the fourth gender, which is butch lesbians.

Oh. Exact words. They have excessive sexual urges. The sexual urge develops when a person is sexually attacked and afterward it persists because there is an anal worm that feeds on semen and exact quote. What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Like, which is butch lesbians. That's part of the quote, right? Yes, that is. Okay. Just wanted to make sure the quote is. I'm sorry. Like, which is butch lesbians. That's part of the quote, right? Yes, that is. Okay. Just wanted to make sure the quote. Yes.

Jesus. So the third gender is feminine gay boys. And the fourth gender is butch. I, yeah, apparently. Yeah. And so that was the quote we got. And then the panel of other women on this Kuwaiti news program was my favorite part. They're just like, yeah, right.

No, no, no. Come eating ass worm. Totally. That's just that's that's prophetic medicine right there. It's right in the Koran. They said that they said that's prophetic medicine. That's part of their scripture, apparently. So question for you, Noah.

Is that in the Quran? I feel like I would have remembered that. We read that book. Maybe, yeah, maybe the Hadith. Because I remember thinking to myself several times, man, this book could really use a few cum-eating ass worms. I'm sure I would have remembered if he did that instead of telling us about Moses again.

All right. Maybe, guys, rewrite it. I mean, you got something more interesting going here. Reboot. Quran reboot. Patreon goal. So, that's the deal with the ass worm.

Pretty much everybody already knew about that. That was prophetic medicine. Just read a book. I feel like we're burying the lead here. The diet is the important part. Dr. Al Soel explained that, quote, we start the patient on a balanced diet when the treatment begins. It's a balanced diet of bitter, sour, salty, and sweet foods

in order to cleanse the body of poisons. Those are all the foods. And it gets better. The diet for the third gender the male ones consists of foods that increase their masculinity and build muscle and food that is buried underground provides men with stability strengthens their muscles and increases increases their masculinity. Bitter foods increase masculinity. Wait, because they have to dig it up first? Yes.

They bury their lunchbox? There's a peanut butter sandwich, but it's four feet down. What? All right, so I got to admit, this is kind of sexist of me. I can think of a ton of heterosexual foods for women, but the only ones I can think of for men are corn on the cob and Oreo cookies. And I thought about this for a while. You know, like tacos, you go from the side,

so that doesn't count. Yeah. And by the way, if you're thinking there might be something to be ashamed of while discussing the rectal sandworms of Arrakis that send gay sexual urges to the brain in order to guarantee plenty of delectable and nutritious semen for themselves.

If that has you feeling uncomfortable, don't worry. There's no reason for that. We've been assured. According to the doctor, this is all science. And she said that phrase about 18 times in two minutes. So it's actually extra science. 18 times in 2 minutes so it's actually extra science and as we all know

from science, butch lesbians have lots of penis based butt sex that produces semen so that's why the suppository works for any gay person and I'm assuming Kuwait won't have any more gay people within a few months and we'd probably get it all cured

here in the US too if it wasn't for the damn fda and all that red tapeworm they have so what are you gonna do all right well now that angelo has a brand new scathing atheist mascot to work on angelo i guess we can pause for a quick break when we come back eli will be here with a few headlines that didn't quite fit into last week's show uh including one that we teased in the intro and then didn't do. So sorry if you were left confused. Go back and listen to that intro again.

It crushes it now. Yeah, it'll make sense then. But first, we'll have things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. You know you're living the good life when you think to yourself, you know what would make a good analogy for my sex life? Cleaning a toilet. And that's the position Christian mommy blogger Lori Alexander found herself in. In what seemed like a desperate plea for somebody to just pound her like a fucking pothole, she took to the YouTubes to deny the existence of marital rape and inadvertently open a horrifying window into the banality of her

love life. I mean, in addition to the horrifying window you just naturally have to open to say, it's not even theoretically possible for my husband to rape me. So in a recent blog post, she reminded her readers that women have to have sex with their husbands even when they don't want to, because God says so. According to sexually frustrated husbands, anyway. And needless to say, the internet pushed back against that a bit. So she made a follow-up video where she explains that sex is just like any other chore, like cleaning a toilet. It doesn't matter if you want to do it, it just needs to get done. And as if you weren't already feeling sorry enough for her vagina, she adds a quick bit at the end where she says, and I quote, we, that's crazy people, I think, live our lives by doing what's right, by obeying God, even when we don't feel

like it. Yes, and that even includes sex. You know, how long does it really take? End quote. even includes sex. You know, how long does it really take? End quote. And look, I'm not usually a fan of this bitch just needs a good deep dickin' argument, but I'm inclined to make an exception in Lori's case. Unless you think to yourself, Lucinda, Lori Alexander is just some crazy extremist on the internet with no real power. Our second story will remind you that crazy extremists still make the rules. We've talked a lot on this show about the Catholic Church efforts to subvert reproductive rights by buying up all the hospitals and taking contraceptive care off the menu. Well, a recent investigative report from Rewire.News

offered up a pretty jaw-dropping view in how far they're willing to go to enforce that. So the story highlights a hospital in Waterloo, Iowa, that had what they called the Sin Room, which was basically a few office buildings next to the hospital or adjacent to it where doctors rented space that wasn't entirely controlled by the hospital itself. Then they take patients into these facilities if they say, I don't know, needed an IUD or a prescription for contraception. So they basically carved out a fucking door behind a bookcase where they could be for real doctors. Well, unfortunately, the Catholics found out about it. And now they're hard at work closing the loopholes that allow this team of concerned doctors to ignore their dogmatic bullshit. But lest I leave you depressed here, let me close on a quick nugget

of good news. Professional misogynist Steve Cooking Can Be Fun Anderson put up a YouTube video the day before yesterday bragging about how much fun he was going to have on his upcoming trip to the Netherlands. And then the Netherlands told him to go fuck himself and barred him from entering the country, citing his open celebration of the Pulse nightclub massacre. So if you got a pen and map at home for the nations where Steve Anderson isn't allowed, you can now add the Netherlands to the pens you have for South Africa, the UK, Jamaica, and Botswana. And not to get too far ahead of myself here, but he's scheduled to be in Sweden and Ireland on the same trip. So you might want to have a couple pens ready for those ones too.

And on that note, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in suck my deck news, tarot card reader Mark Mullins filed a lawsuit against the town of Richlands, Virginia last week after the local government refused to let him open a location for his business. unfortunately the reason for refusing the business license was not based on the idea that charging people money to predict the future with cardboard is stupid and fraudulent right instead it's because of the negative externalities of having a tarot store namely demons jesus this is a stupid battle they might as well have stood out front and had a magic duel. Yeah, right. And this literally comes about because some preacher goes into the city council and says,

you've got to make it illegal to lie to people about their spirit and predict the future without any hope of accuracy. So the council shrugs. They open the trap door. He falls into the fucking rancor pit and he screams back up. I mean, when they don't love jesus damn it yeah so mark mullins and his husband are followers of hermeticism which is a religion that's based on nonsense like tarot cards they even claim that tarot cards are their bible uh in fairness unless those cards can spell out murder all the gay people, it's objectively better than Christianity. That's true.

And I'm assuming this gay couple would have noticed that if the cards could do that. Regardless, the lawsuit claims that town officials refuse to allow the new business because it conflicts with their Christian terror. This theocratic government of Christian libertarians who don't understand any of those words I just said, they have to explain why they hate freedom now. So they're very confused. Cut to a theocratic Christian libertarian listening at home going, I do know of. This show's bullshit. I knew of. Okay, so we want nonsense, but no nonsense that counters the nonsense that... Stop being gay!

Get out of my town, you gay person! So, the conflict started in 2017 when Mullins applied for the business license, but got denied because of a zoning ordinance. but got denied because of a zoning ordinance. Okay. Which means they had zoning rules about magic in their grown-up laws. So Mullins requested a zoning amendment, and the town held a public hearing, also known as a pitchforks and torches party.

And at the hearing, church leaders and the Christian mob showed up and quoted the Bible and also argued that tarot is quote evil witchcraft that would open things up in this area to the demonic realm. Jesus. And the exact quote, please tell me they asked what things i just want an adult to say what things would be open to the demons now well wouldn't fuck you stop being gay

so the result of the pitchfork party was mullins getting denied the license and the town told him that he should go ahead and pick one of the 19 options for a local business that they have. There are exactly 19 types of businesses, according to Richland's Virginia. Okay. And somehow, one of those options is actually fortune teller slash palmist. I guess they meant Christian time dimension manipulator. Ah, right. The town told him to go with bookstore instead, but he wasn't allowed to sell tarot card readings and he couldn't put those

words anywhere on his storefront. So Mullins opened a bookstore and started giving the readings for free. And that's when the chief of police showed up to conduct a tarot sting jesus during which he told mullins that even free tarot readings were illegal and would have to be conducted on the sidewalk instead of inside the building again because of the zoning laws apparently you can't open a demon realm unless you're inside the building like the the portal blows away in the wind, but it stays open if you're indoors. So it's not dangerous sidewalk. Oh, sorry to do this to you.

It's a hellfire code kind of thing. I just I want to go to Richland's Virginia dress all goth and stare at people just for 24 straight hours on the same street corner. So, yeah, that's where we actually landed. The town is still refusing to allow a challenge to the Christian monopoly on magic, and they're getting sued for violating

the First Amendment. And, by the way, if there's anyone near Richland's, Virginia, who owns a Doctor Strange costume and a sling ring, we'd love for you to show up at their next town meeting and scare the fuck out of everyone. Oh, yes. Spinning them around,

making little orange circles in the air if you can. Just doing the gesticulations would be enough. And if I had to guess, probably 15% or so of our audience has a Doctor Strange costume and a sling ring. So we're really just asking how close you are to Richlands i have two so stop by through cincinnati you can borrow you borrow heath's older one you got a new one it's nicer

it is nicer and in law and order special bigots unit news tonight. Last week, as we were preparing headlines for our show, we noticed that the San Antonio City Council recently voted to approve a bunch of new restaurants in their Texas airport, but only after a Chick-fil-A was removed from the list of options. And, as a result, Christians were losing their fucking minds. However, we can't just report every time a Christian loses their mind. Our show would make hardcore history

look downright pithy if we did that. We couldn't even cover every time a Christian lost their fucking mind in the San Antonio airport. We could not. Don't have the time. And another one. Just now. But just because we realized that airport doesn't want chicken bigots

isn't headline worthy, doesn't mean that the attorney general of Texas realizes that. Jesus Christ. That is right. Permanent Novocaine lip Ken Paxton got on Twitter like all great civil servants. Yeah, no, that's where they go. Yeah, and sent the city a threatening tweet letter basically saying, I'm 100% sure this isn't against the law, but maybe if I pretend hard enough, you will too?

Yeah, and by the way, I just Googled Ken Paxton, and that Novocaine lip does not go away at one single moment in his entire life. It's never gone. He looks like a baby who's always shitting right now and really happy about it and like proud of it. And he's smiling like an idiot and having a happy little baby stroke. Happy baby stroke is the perfect way to describe his visage. Yeah.

And the name of me and Heath's band. So, you know, come check us out, guys. We are on SoundCloud Platinum exclusively. So here's the real quote from his letter. Quote, The Constitution's protection of religious liberty is somehow even better than Chick-fil-A's chicken. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It would have to be, to be fair. How dare you? It's bad. It's bad. It's delicious. I don't like them. It would have to be, to be fair. How dare you? It's bad. It's delicious. I don't like them. It's delicious. Just be honest. It's bad.

It is bad. It's bad chicken. Unfortunately, he continues, I don't eat any more. I ate all the chicken once. He continues. I ate some chicken in Canada. You don't know it. I ate chicken.

You don't know. I didn't like it. He continues. Unfortunately, I have serious concerns that both are under assault at the San Antonio airport. Please see the enclosed letter from my office to the Secretary of Transportation, Elaine Chao, highlighting my concerns that the city's recent action to remove Chick-fil-A from the city's new airport concessionaire contract may violate federal law and applicable federal regulations. You should also note that I have directed my office to open an investigation

into whether the city's action violates state law, and it's done done i trust the city will fully cooperate with my investigation into this matter and will abide by relevant federal and state laws in the future i opened a google window cool uh get william barr to summarize that investigation just like chicken done okay yeah and apparently he thinks he's pretty sure that cities aren't allowed to hate a hate group because that would make them a hate hold on yeah right and this is a pure flicks movie now right right like two years from now we're going to the theaters to watch Unsanitized or something, whatever. The chickening. So, yeah, the attorney general of Texas isn't sure whether vicious bigot is a protected class of person business.

However, at least he and I agree on one thing, and that is that the best possible use of his power should be spent making sure nobody discriminates against chicken restaurants. And that he should do literally nothing else. That we agree on. That is the only legal problem in Texas. They're doing great. Keep a stiff upper lip, Ken. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Oh, sorry. And while we carve out a special exception to the don't take legal advice from a podcast rule for Ken Paxton, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, will bleep for you at a moment's notice. Ah, beating our patron. It's the best.

And if you need more reason to donate than just how satisfied I sounded when I said ah just now, take a listen at what you're missing. I'm really getting to the swing of things. Let this be my... In a fight against injustice, there's a man who fights for truth He's got one goal and he's got one cause And that's cooking noodles and soup He doesn't miss that you call him God He keeps the soil in his teeth He's just here to help you make noodles and soup

It's cooking ramen, cooking ramen Hey everybody, welcome to episode 237 of Cooking Ramen with Heath. Today we'll be making chicken flavor again. Making chicken flavor again. Gotta admit, when I started the show, I was pretty sure there were a few more than four or five flavors. Oh, well, here we go. Let's boil the water and we'll go ahead and read some super chats. Boiling the water. Okay, so quick reminder, I will not be reading the super chats that tell me to kill myself after last week's incident so with that in mind here we go you've got mail okay like i said

not gonna read those you've got mail okay next up uh ramen guy 1983 asks why don't you try one of the many hundreds of flavors of Japanese ramen? Okay. Okay. Ramen Guy 1983. Stupid random numbers. Dumb. So as I said on episode five of Cooking Ramen with Heath, those foreign flavors are gross. Boo.

Gross. All right. So let's bring up our first guest for the evening no illusions no welcome to cooking ramen with heath oh you're doing a i i just i kind of needed to get into the kitchen so tell us no illusions what is your ramen what's your ramen i I, I, uh, beef? Get the fuck off my show. I mean, I just... I said get the fuck off my show.

I'm going. I'm going. Beef. Fuck you. All right. Our ramen is ready. So that's it for this week. Tune in next week with special guest,

nobody. We'll be packing the show with ever more bonus content throughout the month. So head over to patrion.com slash scathing atheist and get in on the fun because without money, we're just three guys with a weird fucking hobby. One of the most egregious misconceptions among people who haven't read the Bible is their perception of the God character. To them, biblical God is somewhere between Santa and Dumbledore

until he sacrifices his son. But the truth is a lot more reminiscent of the deadliest game of red light, green light you've ever heard of and if anybody's going to give you the play-by-play for some reason it's going to be us apparently so we're pleased to present another bible peace theater last time on bible peace theater now let's light this incense. Wrong! Ah!

Hey, Moses, you wanted to see me? Oh, hey, Aaron. Do you remember how God killed your sons? Uh, that has not slipped my mind, no. Because of the strange fires and everything? Yes. Nope, I remember. Well, so now

God doesn't want you to sew up at the tabernacle anymore. Oh, God is mad at me for him killing my sons. He's a little pissed, yeah. But if you dress a little fancier, take a bath, you can still come by sometimes. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Also, there's this cool new sacrifice rule. you know, take a bath, you can still come by sometimes. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, I can still... Sometimes.

Also, there's this cool new sacrifice rule. Hello and welcome to America's favorite game show, Scapegoat! Our first contestant is a boar goat from the hills of Nehemiah, Cresha. Cresha, tell us a little bit about yourself. And how do you get into that? Okay, well, here's hoping we see you in the Olympics someday. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Our next contestant is Silky. She's a pygmy goat from the mountainous regions of Carthos. Silky, that's quite an outfit. What do you got going on there? Maybe. Maybe. And is she here with us today?

Maybe. Well, I'm sure she's cheering you on from home. Alright, are you ready to draw lots? Meh, meh. Here you go. That's correct. Your lot does not have the Lord's name on it, so you'll be roaming free in the wilderness

with all the sins of the people upon you while Cresha here is burned as a sin offering. Meh, meh. You sure are. And thank you for watching at home. We'll see you next time on Scapegoat. Cool.

That's, that's fun. Yeah, it makes the blood sacrifice a little more effective. Sure. Kinda. Ooh, ooh, and another thing, once a year

everyone needs to atone. For... For your sins. Can't I just like atone for my sins as I do them? More than once a year? Also, we don't believe in hell, so I don't really know what happens if you don't

atone for your... Okay, look. All I know is your mom's going to make you fast and she's going to drag you to the temple all day once a year, and you've got to be ready for that. Okay, that sounds like an awesome way to make someone an atheist. It is. All day. No food. I mean,

you have reformed friends who break the fast at three, so... Oh, okay. Three. Okay. Super important you have reformed friends who break the fast at three so oh okay three okay super important nobody drink any blood i know what you're gonna say oh i want to drink blood but don't do it it will not give you superpowers and god will be super super mad if you drink blood i 100 think blood gives you superpowers now. Yeah, why would you say that if it didn't? No reason whatsoever.

Just don't drink it. I'm totally going to drink some blood. Me too. All right, sex rules. You guys ready? Finally. All right, here we go. Now, these are super clear and not at all creepy,

so just relax, okay? It's a weird start. Great. Okay. Don't have sex with your sister. Really? Or your sister's daughter. Not going to be an issue.

Okay, well, don't have sex with your aunt or your grandma. Were those different for you? No, no granddaughter. Totally fine. These are simple rules. Brother's wife.

That feels more like social taboo, but okay. Don't have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. That's a no-no. Dude, you watch weird porn. Or her and her granddaughter at the same time. Okay, that one

I will borrow. Don't have sex with your neighbor's wife. Okay, that's a weird order. Don't have sex with a menstruating woman. Way ahead of you, Moses. Meh, I don't know. Gross.

He's gross. Don't sacrifice your children to Moloch. That's awfully specific. Don't have sex with animals. Moo, moo. Moo, moo. Moo, moo, moo, moo. Okay.

And of course, thou shalt not lie with man as with woman. It is an abomination. Uh, you mean for like, for right now, right? Like, like, right. I'm sorry. What do you mean for right now? Like, these are the rules for us right now, but in the future it's going to be totally fine to be gay, right?

I like that. No, what about what I said indicates that? It's just, you know, seems like this is going to be a hard sell in a couple thousand years, so I think we're all just trying to get ahead of the softening

of the language. You can't soften the language. If people want to be gay, they have to admit that this book unequivocally forbids it. I mean, maybe maybe what?

I'm just saying, don't tell people what to believe. I'm Moses. That's my whole thing. I'm saying what God said on that mountain. Okay, okay. That's my whole thing. I'm saying what God said on that mountain. Okay, okay. That is your interpretation of what God said. Exactly. Yeah. Maybe his secular values

take over. He won't mean that anymore. Maybe the Hebrew word for abomination is wrong. My grandma's pastor wears a t-shirt that says Black Lives Matter. All of you just shut up. This book is bad.

It says bad things. This is one of those things. And it will stay that way for the next thousand years. It's not misunderstood. It's not open to discussion. It's just evil. Clearly and plainly evil. Yeah, well, you're mean.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, big meanie. Super meanie. Never mind. Boo. 1-877-GRAPES-FOR-KIDS Donate your grapes today. Hi, I'm Heath Enright.

You know, some people say the Bible is an evil book filled with evil words. But today, I'm here to talk to you about Leviticus 19.10. Don't pick all your grapes so that poor people can have some. That's right, grapes for poor people. Do you have anything besides grapes? Go fuck yourself, poor scum. Gross. Oh. 1-877-GRAPES-FOR-KIDS. The grape thing makes God okay.

Hey, neighbor. God damn it. What is it now? Okay, okay. First of all, death penalty, name in vain. Secondly, it's about your fruit. Okay. What about my fruit? And someone had all my cows executed, by the way. Well, you know, it's just, it's what God says, okay?

All fruit from trees under three years old is uncircumcised. So the wife and I. What? The wife and I would appreciate it if you'd put some tiny pants on the fruit. Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not what it meant to say in the book. Book says uncircumcised, my friend. Sorry. God damn it.

This is ridiculous. Where am I going to get fruit pants at this hour? No idea. Book says also not to observe time, so, yeah. Okay. Okay. What's all this stuff about

Malach? Yeah, he's this Canaanite cow god. Yeah. People used to make a big cowbell- shaped oven and like put their kids inside for good luck wow is that true yeah I mean probably and this is over now

right people don't do that anymore yes people people don't do that anymore cool I knew that I wonder what it would be like if those guys were still around still around tom i'm here on the courthouse steps with several anti-flaxer parents moonstar heartshine you plan on sacrificing your son to moloch today is that correct

yes thank you dan for for too long this government has ignored the risks associated with not throwing your kids in a giant cow-shaped oven. And I'm just through with it. I'm sick of it. And what do you say to critics who say that Dr. Bakefield falsified his famous cow ovens keep your kid from going blind study? Well, I would have an overly emotional reaction, Dan, is what I'd do. Of course. You're a parent. I am. It was an anti-vaxxer joke.

Yeah, I got it, Eli. Thank you, Don. I got it too, Don. I also got it. Anti-flaxer. Don. Let's see. Kill gay people. You covered that. Done. Let's see. Kill gay people.

You covered that. Don't fuck your sister. That is in this book so many times. I mean, have you heard the story of Abraham? Oh, well, I mean, yeah, that's fair. Let's see. Cut people who have period sex out of society altogether. Okay, two votes, but you covered it just for the record. Oh, oh, oh, and God loves everyone.

Yeah, really feeling it. Great stuff. Come in. Oh, hey, Mrs. Genderson. Ah, Billy, come on in. Excited for the results of your aptitude test? Guess so. So, before we get to this, where are you hoping to be when you grow up? I don't know. I was thinking, like, maybe a priest at God's altar, something like that.

Oh, that is a wonderful idea. Now, let's see. Are you blind? No. Do you have any blemishes? Like, any at all? Yes, any at all. Um, no. Good answer.

Do you have anything superfluous? I don't even know what that means. Oh, let's see. No flat nose, not too short, not a dwarf. Not cool. Right? They're like little demons. No, I meant, what? No, I meant the rule. No scurvy, no scabs, no crooked back or broken hands or feet. As long as you don't have damaged testicles, you can be a prophet of God at the tabernacle.

I was also thinking something with sheep, maybe? Oh, this... Sheep related? This is definitely in the book. Yeah, it is. Yep. And then, on the fourth day of the seventh month, I want two monkeys tied together with gold string, but like bondage ties, you know, don't like, don't just wrap them around.

Mr. God, I'm sorry to interrupt. Yeah, Moses. Well, you've been, you've been talking for four chapters about, you know, different sacrifices and holidays dedicated to you and that same weird specific rule about hookers and wizards. Do you have any, like, I don't know, maybe some

wisdom for us? And on the 27th day of the 8th month, I want two birds and a literal pony. Now, those aren't bred yet, so you're going to have to work hard. Three, two,

one, Happy Jubilee Year! Hey guys, uh, what's up? What's Jubilee Year? Have you chatted? Silly Heath! Haven't you read the Bible? Every 50th year is Jubilee year? Silly Heath. Haven't you read the Bible? Every 50th year is Jubilee year. It's a time for celebration.

A time not to grow or plant anything. Wait, what? But most of all, it's a time to free your brother from slavery. Yep. Free your what now? Your brother from slavery. slavery. Yep. Free your what now? Your brother from slavery. If you bought him

on Jubilee year, it just seems like super duper specific, that one thing. I, um, it has booze. Jubilee year! Right? Right?

Who's in? And finally For the final part of Leviticus If you fuck up Any of these rules I cannot be clear enough about this I will hate you forever I'll kill your family

I'll let your enemies eat your children Jesus God I mean there are so many rules And they're so hardcore There are a lot of rules And now that I say it out loud, I think they are pretty hardcore. I mean, if only there were some way that one could remember them. Yeah, but it would have to be equally hardcore. Yeah, sir.

Hit it, Hannah! Let me tell you how to sacrifice a goat Bitch cut its little throat Which seems a little mean And maybe more than a little gross It's nothing when compared to What the Levites bear Through details of the entrance Should be plenty enough to scare you

Sackles on the pyre Set that shit on fire Smells what it is Hell, but it's the odor God desires. How to kill a bird now, case you hadn't heard now. Twist its little head until it's hidden when it's burned. Bow! This is for atonement, offer no postponement.

Duffel jugs of blood is a critical component. Never proclamation regarding ordination. Light the candles right and let's do risk assassination from the Lord. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not lie Thou shalt not do it, guy on guy The son to Moses spoke the Lord Let me tell you how to eat, bitch Tell you who to sleep with

Tell you how to burn the hair it takes about that bee witch Tell you about your penis and all its uncleanness For I got all known, I'm not much of a hygienist Oh, and if it pleases, put me on diseases Sacrifice a turtle dove if anybody sneezes Menstrual blood and semen need a lot of cleaning Guess I'll never catch a horn with those goat demons Tell you how to shave men, who you can enslave men

Tell you how to stone the motherfuckers who misbehave And if you disobey me, I will not just slay thee Many generations I'll be all up in your game, see I'm the lord Thou shalt be pure, thou shalt be true, thou shalt not get that damn tattoo The sun to Moses spoke the Lord Thou shalt speak up, thou shalt not cheat, thou shalt not dine on rancid meat Or stick your dick in things that bleed, thou shalt not make sky-ryan wheat Thou shalt be tough, thou shalt be kind, thou shalt not make thy rye and Weep thou shalt be just thou shalt be kind Thou shalt not sip the death or blind

Or touch the davers left behind Or let two fabrics be clung Thou shalt fear God Thou shalt be straight Thou shalt not look to king when paid Thou shalt not ever mask or faint Don't you put weasel on your plate Thou shalt not rob

Thou shalt be bold Thou shalt rise up before the old Don't get your daughter's pussy sold Thou shalt get all but recycled Thou shalt be easily controlled. The son to Moses spoke the Lord. Want to remind you, this is a weekly fucking podcast. Oh, I'm sorry, Dan Carlin.

Five months, couldn't have one single original music number about the rape of Nanking. Whatever. Served, bitch. And with our audience thoroughly rocked to the core, we're going to close the blood-soaked book of Leviticus, but the book doesn't get any better, so we'll be back in a month with more

Bible Peace Theater. pledges. That's charged pledges by June 1st and our last charged episode will come out on the 29th of May, which means that if you want in, you gotta get in quick. Or any time in the next 27 days, actually. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend

Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't fit if I didn't thank Heath Enright for doing way more work than Eli did this week. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for doing way more work than most on-vacation people do. I need to thank the lovely and talented

Lucinda Lusions for making her triumphant return this week. I want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure for his spot-on goat voice. I need to thank Anna Bosnick for kicking yet more ass this time around. Incidentally, the Leviticus song will be available on YouTube if you'd like to share it with anybody who tells you what a good book the Bible is. Also need to thank Jen and Will from the Mish Mash podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Pretty sure helium comes from the sun.

That's why they call it helium. But I could be wrong. If you want to find out, you can check out their show with a handy dandy link on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds. Simon Quasi Alamodo, Ricardo, Miguel, Adam, Nicholas,rian medicare for all meat hooks for mcconnell lucky big chancy satir love morgan lisa fuck you man commissar dixon joshua bring back the shark icons fuck the texas seven sakira and nathan simon quasi ricardo miguel adam and nicholas whose doctors gave him special permission not to call until that fifth hour. Brian, Medicare, Lucky, Zatil, Lisa, and that unpronounceable volcano who are so fit they changed the name of that gym to Planet Themness.

And Commissar Dixon, Joshua, Shark Icons, Fuck the Texas 7, Sekira, and Nathan, who are hot enough to melt heat. Together, these 18 people, political platforms, curses, Icelandic volcanoes, and intergalactic emperors, I guess, got a head start on Matreon this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the spectacular genitals and abiding virtue it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended every version of every episode, or you can make a one-time

donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but not with your money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, liking our Facebook page, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our

social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission, except for that song that Anna wrote, which was, like, written by Anna, with lyrics by me. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skathegaytheist.com. Where will I get fruit pants at this hour? Sorry.

That's going to be the number one summer jam this year. Yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.