The Scathing Atheist - 327: You Can't De-Fetus Edition

Episode Date: May 23, 2019

In this week’s episode, The Handmaid's Tale becomes a documentary, Margaret Atwood sues the entire American South for copyright infringement, and Don Ford (Voice of Fantasy and Adventure) will get thanked at the end of the episode. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Classic Rock Album by Album podcast here: http://classicrockalbumbyalbum.libsyn.com/ --- Headlines: Everything you need to know about the abortion ban news: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2019/05/17/havent-been-following-abortion-ban-news-heres-everything-you-need-know/?utm_term=.9b64b90bfd5b All 25 white male GOP senators who voted for the AL abortion ban are Christian: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/16/all-25-white-male-gop-senators-who-voted-for-the-al-abortion-ban-are-christian/ Matt Walsh says AL abortion ban is good since a baby is proof a rape occurred: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/16/matt-walsh-als-abortion-ban-is-good-since-a-baby-is-proof-a-rape-occurred/ Missouri GOP lawmaker cites "consensual rapes" in support of abortion ban: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/18/missouri-gop-lawmaker-cites-consensual-rapes-in-support-of-abortion-ban/ Even Tomi Lahren Gets That the Alabama Abortion Ban Will Ultimately Hurt Women: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/17/even-tomi-lahren-gets-that-the-alabama-abortion-ban-will-ultimately-hurt-women/ And Pat Robertson thinks so too: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/05/16/pat-robertson-says-alabama-abortion-law-has-gone-too-far/3690680002/ Alabama PBS won’t air cartoon with gay wedding: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/21/alabama-pbs-affiliate-refuses-to-show-arthur-episode-featuring-gay-rat-wedding/ Netanyahu wants to put a bible on the moon for some reason: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/17/israels-prime-minister-wants-to-put-a-bible-on-the-moon-for-some-reason/ Walmart just got sued for defrauding customers with homeopathic "medicine": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/20/walmart-just-got-sued-for-defrauding-customers-with-homeopathic-medicine/ Black Pastors and Some Jews Say Fur Ban Proposal is an Attack on Their Faith https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/05/17/black-pastors-and-some-jews-say-fur-ban-proposal-is-an-attack-on-their-faith/

Warning, by the time I finish this sentence, this podcast will already have started using words like fuck. Why, hello, it's me, Ben Carson, Secretary of Interior Design or something. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HEMS, ZipRecruiter, and by The Snack That Bites Back Oreos. Because houses are like chocolate, and white people are inside them, I think. And now, the scathing atheist. Hello everybody, I'm Chris Carson. And I'm Lee Bowie. And we're the hosts of the Classic Rock Album by Album Podcast.

And we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. And sexy, filthy monkey ladies. Yeah. It's Thursday. It's May 23rd. And it's Lucky Penny Day. Well, accounting for inflation, it's Lucky 1.019 pennies day. Well, exactly. So we're going to need some scissors.

I'm Noah Lutions. I'm Eli Bostic. I'm Heath Enright. And from Antonin Scalia's New Jersey, Kelly Kahlberg's Ohio, and Martin Luther King's Georgia. Lipsidonia wildcard. This

is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, The Handmaid's Tale becomes a documentary. Margaret Atwood sues the entire American South for copyright infringement. Right. And Georgia will win at list of states for the first and last time in its history. But first, the diatribe. See, here's the thing.

I'm not pro-choice. See, here's the thing. I'm not pro-choice. If your choice is to not bake a cake for a gay wedding or not teach your kids about evolution, I'm very much anti-choice. Hell, I get pissed when people don't use the Oxford comma. I'm also not super concerned with bodily autonomy. You know, I'm generally a fan, but I don't get outraged about laws limiting the amount of meth you can shove in there. Right. I mean, when it comes to the administration of things like vaccines and antibiotics, I'm actually anti bodily autonomy. Hell, I'm not even a big fan of the right to

privacy that the road decision rests on. In my estimation, the right to privacy is wildly overrated, and it's only really necessary to the extent that the other civil rights are broken. really necessary to the extent that the other civil rights are broken. What I am is pro-abortion, and I'm sick and fucking tired of hiding that fact behind euphemisms. Abortion is fucking awesome. I mean, seriously, name one single problem anywhere in the world where the solution is more humans. Really, in the best possible world, abortion would be the default setting and you'd have to go to some clinic to turn it into a potential baby. And look, I get that there are allies in the fight for abortion rights that aren't pro-abortion. Some people have moral qualms about abortion, but they recognize the need for its availability, so they support the right with a

heavy heart. And I'm happy to march alongside those people and vote alongside those people, but I'm not going to cater to them so much that it validates that they're disquiet. They're just wrong. You know, they managed to vote right despite that, but I'll advocate my pro-abortion stance the same way I'll advocate any other stance. There are religious people who march alongside me for the sake of church-state separation, and I appreciate their help, but it doesn't slow me down when it's time to tell them they're fucking wrong. Now, personally, I get to pro-abortion the same way I get to pro-atheism, through feminism. I cannot imagine a world where women achieve genuine equality in a nation that doesn't allow them to choose when they have children or when they have sex. Right?

But even if you rejected that argument or gender equality as a reasonable goal, there are plenty of conclusive arguments to sway you to the pro-abortion side of the fence. See, anti-abortion people want to keep this argument focused on the whole, like, when does a fetus become a human gambit? Because that's ambiguous and it always fucking will be, right? They're basically using the continuum fallacy to create a perpetual dispute so that the debate won't be focused on things like, is society better off when abortions are safe and readily accessible? Because that's a fight they can't win. Crime statistics, educational attainment, the cost of public assistance, gender equality, personal happiness, all those things are demonstrably improved

in nations and states with better access to safe abortions. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, I can show you a statistic that matters to you that moves in the direction you want it to move when you improve access to abortions. And because we have so much variance in access over time and across states, these numbers are as robust as you could possibly want them to be. Societies with ready access to abortion are just better societies,

regardless of how you measure them, unless, of course, you measure them in hypothetical baby deaths. You know, and from our modern perspective, it's easy to look at this shit and see it as indelibly intertwined with religion. But that's not really the case. Well, it's true that Catholics pretty much always had a burr up their ass about abortion. Catholics don't run this country and they never have. And up until the 80s, Baptists weren't really into this issue. By and large, Baptist churches and organizations either ignored or supported the push towards abortion rights. A poll taken right after Roe versus Wade was decided amongst Texas Baptists found that 90% of respondents thought Texas abortion laws were too restrictive.

Okay, as late as 1979, the Southern Baptist Convention was routinely listed in newspapers under religious denominations that support abortion rights. That's a solid six years after Roe. You know, it's easy to look around the present day and assume that the Republican Party adopted the abortion issue to cater to these religious fundies, but that's not actually the chronology. Abortion was a manufactured wedge issue that started with the political operatives and then trickled down into the religion. It was specifically chosen because it could be cloaked in this perpetual moral ambiguity and fighting for the lives of unborn children has a hell of a ring to it so we have this bullshit wedge issue that

most americans agree on right like like over 70 percent of the country agrees that we should preserve abortion access at least through the first couple trimesters so you know according to math this isn't actually very controversial but they cloak the opposition to it in a label intentionally designed to be as demonizing and misleading as possible. Pro-life. Right. And then they sell their fringe opinion to idiots with terms like killing unborn babies, which sounds downright diabolical. Sure. But it's actually meaningless.

It's fucking oxymoronic. Babies, by definition, are born. Right? Like, if I think about one topic for a diatribe, I ultimately decide on another one. I'm not deleting unwritten words. And meanwhile, this bullshit wedge issue cooked up by an unholy alliance between conservative politicians and Christian fat cats and promoted with ominous jabberwocky has real victims. And I'm not just talking about the women who can't get abortions here. I'm not talking about just the destitute woman in Ohio or the high school sophomore in Georgia

or the 15-year-old rape victim in Alabama. I'm talking about the whole goddamn society. I'm talking about the crime statistics, educational attainment, cost of public assistance, gender equality and personal happiness from before. Of course, there is one institution in this country that has shown us over and over again that they actually benefit from crime, ignorance, frivolous tax policy, misogyny and personal misery. So it's no surprise that they're the ones you'll find steer in this thing and if we want a better society there's no better place to start aborting joining me for headlines tonight are the ursa and non-demised zod heathen right and the eli bosnick fellas are you ready to kick superman's ass i hate superman right like dc deserves for their universe to be fucked like learn to write a comic book character

it's like the wishing for more wishes of superheroes that ruins it he's also kind of the perfect american superhero when you think about it right every alternate universe where he stubs his toe he instantly becomes hitler every time he does i wanted chili bro all right here we go in our lead story tonight uterus havers should get the fuck out of alabama yeah also arkansas georgia kentucky mississippi missouri and utah geith if you're gonna name all of Alabama. Yeah. Also Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, and Utah. Keith, if you're going to name all the states, it's going to be...

And Ohio. And Ohio. Women should leave Ohio. Also Louisiana, since you wrote that. Yeah, Louisiana. Sure. I'd like to go there too. God damn it. Florida. Of course, I'm talking about the latest new wave of regulations to uterus law enacted by a bunch of shitty people aimed at banning an amazing way to prevent shitty people.

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised. And it's all because we need to appease an imaginary genocidal ghost, which is weird, again, because abortions are the best possible type of genocide. That's just an amazing way to do it. Heath proposes weird slogans for Planned Parenthood. I tell him he should stop sending them letters. They're not. They tell him that, too. Yeah, sells itself.

No. Also, as long as we're listing stuff, women should get the fuck out of Florida, Tennessee, Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, the Dakotas, Texas, probably a few others, too. You guys made a good point earlier. Also, non-uterus havers should leave those places. Everyone should probably have left those places already, if we're being honest. But now you should super duper leave. if we're being honest but now you should super duper leave or we could have a federal law that says garbage states can't just remove basic rights from people um maybe a reminder with that that the idea of states rights was used to justify slavery women's rights were not ever used to

justify terrible things sorry no no I was just fucking around. I was just trying to keep it light. Everyone should leave those states as soon as possible, like right now, if you can. Look, I'm just saying, Jersey's open, okay? Everyone around me is selling their houses. You're a quick 45-minute drive from New York. It's a delight. Yeah, so the most recent of these new terrible laws came out of Missouri

and it bans abortion after eight weeks from conception. And states like Ohio and Georgia went even further with so-called heartbeat bills that ban abortions after six weeks or sometimes even five. And as I understand it, plenty of women will not be aware of a pregnancy during the first six weeks sometimes longer so it's effectively a full ban in all those cases and it's terrible that's that's awful it's very very important that breeding in places like missouri is kept to a goddamn yeah i mean if it wasn't for them the world would have been rid of Yakov Smirnov long ago, people. Think about it. Also, it's not a fucking

heartbeat at eight weeks. No. It's a twitching group of cells inside a group of cells the size of a pea. It's electricity with the rhythm of something. Fuck you. Yes. Also, ironically, this electric impulse is only detectable because of newly discovered

ultrasound technology. This is like using the Hubble telescope to call star formations Morse code from Jesus. It's the worst possible outcome. Yeah. So all these new laws are terrible, but the most egregious one was enacted in Alabama. All these new laws are terrible, but the most egregious one was enacted in Alabama. So just for context, in their state Senate, this law got 25 votes out of 35 senators. And every single one of those 25 votes came from a Christian white man.

The law does not really apply to Christian white men, just for the record, if you think about it. And the law is pretty much a complete ban on all abortions, regardless of the timing. They don't even have an exception for rape or incest. Same goes for Missouri, by the way, with not having those exceptions. And on top of that, Alabama doctors could be prosecuted and jailed for up to 99 years for violating the new ban. In response, many have correctly pointed out that this means a doctor who performs an abortion on a rape victim could face more jail time than the rapist. It also means that women could be in the middle of a miscarriage and have medical professionals making them prove that it wasn't related to an abortion attempt during that terrible, horrible, traumatic ordeal.

Right. And not to belabor the point, but best case scenario, it gives us more Alabamians. Thank you. Unwanted Alabamians, which seems repetitive, but you get the point. Right. You do get the point. Yeah. So you know how we get the occasional story with good news

about a logical thing that happened like once in a while no and just really rare but just think back there's a couple i haven't been on the show for that and they're fair fair enough fair enough no i might remember yeah those are usually accompanied by a series of christian freakouts well uh this was the exact opposite of that we got the news of these horrible horrible new laws followed by a series of christian uh super duper happy fist pumps i guess we would call it and two of those in particular need to be mentioned because they're fucking insane all of them are insane but these two are extra extra uh first up we have christian talking head columnist for glenn becks the blaze and guy who looks like every professor who got fired for quote undisclosed reasons matt walsh he looks like he's gonna give the school assembly that nobody but him needs about fucking your garbage disposal right and now i know that rubber thing looks pretty tempting but follow me yeah so he's pretty sure

that critics of the new alabama law have not considered the upshot for the 12 year old incest rape victim seriously that's the point he's about to make here. Ready? According to Walsh, quote, if a 12-year-old is raped by her father and the father takes her to get an abortion, the evidence of the crime will be destroyed

and he will go on molesting his victim for years. If, however, the child is born, his crime will be discovered and she will be discovered and she will be rescued from the abuse end quote so uh yeah i'll be honest i had not considered that good point from matt walsh that was new to me uh do you guys see any flaws in the logic though from walsh does he have that right okay so matt i see where you're fucking this up your wife always gets the kids dna tested out of the hope it wasn't your sock spackle that made it through

but that's just a personal choice that's not something we routinely do for all the babies also abortions have dna you're the one saying they're humans man i shouldn't have to tell you this you know i had wondered why it was standard procedure when you go to an OBGYN for the doctor to ask if you're your wife's father. But now, now I get it. This is good. He's putting pieces together for me. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So the other bizarro Christian freak out fist pumpy thing was actually even worse, believe it or not. It was worse than what I just described from Matt Walsh with the incest 12 year old victim. It came from Missouri GOP state representative Barry Hovis, who defended the new requirement to birth the child of your rapist by pointing out that most rapists are not random strangers, if that's what you were worried about. They're the good type of, you know, predictable rapists who you already know. So, feel better. He seems to think it's important to get your rapist through a referral? I'm unclear.

Something like that. He argued that the vast majority of sexual assaults are not gentlemen jumping out of the bushes. He actually used the word gentleman there. He said that the vast majority of sexual assaults are not gentlemen jumping out of the bushes. He actually used the word gentleman there. He said that. I, this is baffling. Yeah. And then he said the following, I swear to God, exact words.

Quote, most of them were date rapes or consensual rapes. End quote. Consensual rapes or consensual rapes, end quote. Consensual rapes. And then he noticed that several women were about to stab him in the eye. And he added, which were all terrible, which were all of those were terrible. Even those consensual rapes were terrible. I see that now. I feel like I said something weird. To which sadly he didn he didn't add, Oh, God, you stabbed me in the eye. I understand a tiny percentage of what it's like to have your bodily autonomy violated by someone you know now, which, if you think about it, is kind of ironic.

Ow. Ow, my eye. And in bizarro world news tonight, these abortion bans are so bad that even some of the theocratic assholes we cover know it, which feels weird. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. Feels like if at the end of Endgame, the Avengers had to team up with Hydra. So if you're looking for the through line through Eli's analogies, by the way, it's men in skin tight onesies.

Yeah. Yeah. And about half are Nazis. Generally. Yeah. Yeah. And about half are Nazis. Generally, yeah. Yeah. All right. So first to break ranks this week

is pundit and pick-me-Barbie Tommy Lahren, who got herself in trouble for the second time in her career this week when she accidentally let it slip that she thinks women are humans and therefore deserving

of bodily autonomy. What? Well, which is unexpected to say the least. I mean, up until now, her whole marketing strategy seemed to be be careful about letting women do what they want. One of them could wind up Tommy Loren. Yeah, and that works. So on May 16th, she tweeted, quote,

I will be attacked by fellow conservatives for saying this. I mean, she's a woman who's talking, so pretty strong odds. But so be it. This Alabama abortion ban is too restrictive. It doesn't save life. It simply forces women into more dangerous methods. Other states or countries, end quote. Which is true.

I mean, good for you tommy however she can't tweet without being at least a little wrong or that witch's curse comes true and she'll go back into the fuck doll she was created from so she added quote you don't encourage life via blanket government mandate end quote don't you though isn't there a law against murder i feel like there's a law against murder but really it's about the pursuit of happiness for the unborn it's a good thing we wrote that down that's that's that part now for those unfamiliar larren actually lost her job at glenn beck's the blaze in 2017 when she made a similar faux pas but abortion seems to be her hard line in the sand which again is confusing i mean this is a woman who supported brett kavanaugh spent months shitting

on me too it's it's like if game of thrones it's like the ending of game of thrones yeah right what i'm saying is someone should stab Tommy Lahren in the heart. I'm joking. I'm joking. Yeah, see, I was worried you were going to advocate something violent

like throwing a milkshake at her. Yeah, and have her exit the American Union. But Tommy wasn't the only SJW to enter the fray this week. Bleeding heart liberal and bleeding face christian pat fucking robertson stepped forward to oppose the draconian alabama abortion bill and when you're

going too far for pat the gays have aids rings robertson you done fucked up yeah yeah like important reminder pat robertson didn't get more progressive like right that's not how we got there society moved beyond pat goddamn robertson it did it did now for clarity robertson is not as as we all imagine wearing a pussy hat that's his face um he's actually strongly against roe versus wade he just knows that this law is miraculously stupid and won't even stand in like the stolen ghoul haven that has become our supreme court so right yeah no he was careful not to condemn forced birthing for rape victims per se of course not so yeah politicians of georgia and alabama Alabama, when Pat Robertson and Tommy Lahren think you're too far to the right, where the fuck are you?

And in rat fuck news tonight, given the diatribe in the opening of the headlines this week, it'd be easy for people to think of Alabama as just some sexist shithole. But perpetuating that myth would be a disservice to the diversity of Alabama's shitholery. They hate everybody, right? I mean, they're the default bad guys in civil rights movies. They passed an anti-sharia law bill despite having a Muslim population of Khalil and his wife. And, of course, their local PBS affiliate has flat out refused to air an episode of Arthur because it has gay rats in it. Hey, honestly, more than anything else you just said, I'm surprised that Alabama is allowing its populace to be, you know, detained by public broadcast. That's communist, y'all.

I done saw that commercial where the girl throws the hammer at the TV. Public broadcasting is how that shit starts. That's right. Just in case any conversation in America was in danger of including a sentence that started with, at least we're not an ending with a state other than Alabama, Alabama Public Television released a statement that read in part, quote, although we strongly encourage parents to watch television with their children and talk about what they've learned afterwards,

parents trust that their children can watch APT without their supervision, end quote. I'm not leaving out of there for, by the way. That was the end of that thought. You're done. Just some program director terrified that children are going to walk away with a wildly inaccurate view

of the nature of rodent matrimony, I guess. Okay. But, I mean, in fairness, I think we've all had that moment as a kid when you're watching gay rodent cartoons and your mom walks right in without knocking and you got to whip it in really fast. You got to hurt yourself. I think that's fair. Whipping it in, the Heath Enright story. Yeah, I've never heard it said that way so yeah the state that's pretty confident a 13 year old rape victim

can handle the travails of motherhood boxed at the idea that children could handle watching two male cartoon characters without somebody there to share in the trauma with them i think it was probably best summed up by misty soda a, a substitute teacher quoted in AL.com, complaining about the decision. She told the paper, quote, I never thought I'd be going to battle for a gay rat wedding, but here we are, end quote.

And I wholeheartedly agree, Misty. Here we fucking are. If Joe Biden wins the primary, that should be his slogan. Joe Biden, here we fucking are if joe biden wins the primary that should be his slogan joe biden here we fucking are and in stay away from the firmament news israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu took a break from being evil last week so he could focus on being stupid instead and uh i guess that's a good thing it's 2019 take what we can get so yeah bb nets figured everything was going great in israel doing fantastic no problems there and he decided to focus his time on sending a physical paper copy of the Bible to the moon. Jesus Christ.

Mom, religion's using the transmission electron microscope to see how many angels would fit on that pin after all again. And just for the record, this moon Bible idea is not a new one. Israel apparently tried this with a spacecraft last month, but it crashed into the moon's surface, destroying the digital copy that was being carried inside. Sorry, boss, it's

all the missile practice. We don't usually have to land them, you see. Well, regardless, Netanyahu isn't happy with the Kindle version idea because, you know, that would be a silly thing to bring to the moon. During a speech at their annual international Bible quiz for youth tournament, he announced that their next rocket would carry a much more sensible printed copy of the Bible to bring to the moon on a rocket.

They should have to do this using only technology developed by people dumb enough to think it's a good idea oh absolutely all right guys we got chariots of iron and a really big ramp let's fucking do this and uh here's my favorite part during his speech netany Netanyahu actually quoted Psalms 8-4. He said, quote, I want the Bible to land on the moon because it is written, when I behold your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have established. And apparently that's the end of the thought.

Oh, you're done. That's the end of it thought. Oh, you're done. That's the end of it. No follow-up. Just a sentence fragment about taking a Bible on a science rocket into outer space in direct contradiction of what it says in that book about how the firmament works and how the moon, which is one of those dimmer stars, according to the book we're talking about uh the moon is embedded in a giant dome that separates the water from the water also in that

book yeah and eventually it will fall on us well unfortunately atheists need help rolling over in their graves so we're going to go visit some dead rocket scientists and while we do that we'll pause for a word from our first sponsor this week hymns are you a balding guy statistically yes you are but even if you're not a balding guy you definitely know a balding guy don't you that's right 66 of men start to lose their hair by age 35 and once you've noticed thinning hair it can be too late but we've been to atheist conventions so that number that's it's like super low super duper low all the way low yeah which is why you need to check out forhims.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skin care sexual wellness for men are you skeptical because most of the hair loss prevention space is filled with nonsense garbage that doesn't work or even harms you? Statistically, yes, you are skeptical.

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Big red circle. And in dilutions of grandeur news, Walmart just got sued for homeopathy. And I'm very much delighted to hear this. I'll explain, but let's just take a second and acknowledge that we're probably happy with just about anything that fills in the blank there.

Walmart got sued for blank. Just plenty of good answers. And thanks to Nicholas Little, the legal director at the Center for Inquiry, one of those answers led to a lawsuit this week. And it's for fraud. one of those answers led to a lawsuit this week and it's for fraud walmart got sued for fraud because you know it's fraudulent to sell tiny little balls of water as medicine um also larger size balls of water as medicine yeah right don't any size but just to be thorough on the substitution thing by the way though uh blank got sued for homeopathy also works. And also, way more often than not,

so does Walmart got blanked for homeopathy. Blank got blanked for homeopathy, probably a good thing. Walmart blank sued for homo blank. That's interesting. I'm not immediately close to it, right? And if this all sounds familiar, that's because Mr. Little actually filed a similar suit last year against CVS Pharmacy.

And it looks like that might have had some positive results. CVS hasn't taken water pills off their shelves, but they have met with CFI attorneys to discuss being at least slightly less stupid. And last week they announced that they're going to be having all their vitamins and supplements go through third-party testing. The test is going to verify that the listed ingredients are accurate, and that's it. That's the end of the test. They will not be testing if those ingredients do one single useful medicinal thing but at least they won't accidentally sell nothingness with poison inside which right has definitely happened in the past

so baby steps i guess we did something yeah right yes come to cvs where at least you'll get the bullshit you ordered right we should also point out that that like third-party testing thing is a huge deal like every vitamin and supplement company responded to that announcement by going that's fucking impossible yes the thing we say is in the

bottle in the bottle are you fucking kidding me oh fuck you Dave I hope there's vitamin C in there fuck you what am I gonna do with all this sawdust and uh getting back to the walmart lawsuit it's worth noting that the nation's largest retailer isn't just selling homeopathic products they're also manufacturing that stuff in-house. So they're fully aware that like 99.9 almost bar percent of what they put inside is water. That being said, I'm almost willing to let this whole thing go

just because it's hilarious to me that people are looking at the brand name water pills and then seeing the Walmart generic water pills and saying to themselves, look at these suckers who pay for top shelf water pills to save stuff. Idiots. Save my money. Alright, I have a Bob Bob Brinkman riddle for you. Here we go.

If you steal homeopathic stuff, are you? Huh? empathic stuff are you so huh i think about it don't even nope no so i guess we'll see what happens with this um hopefully we'll at least get some baby steps in the right direction like we did with cvs hopefully walmart might do something, one little good thing too. But knowing Walmart, they'll send in like 6.02 times 10 to the 23rd lawyers and see if that dissolves the case against them.

And knowing the American legal system, that will work. So, great. Anyway. You made it depressing at the end, damn it. I did. I did. And finally tonight in fur sure news tonight, the New York City Council is expected to pass a ban on the sale of fur clothing this week.

There it is. There you go. Genius. Apathy. Renaissance. Do another one. apathy renaissance and it's made on it's made unlikely allies of two groups both of whom are furious about the new rule i miss heath i'm i'm here i mean when eli's talking that's fair sure that's fair so the bill would ban the sale of fur accessories and garments, but would allow for the sale of used fur.

And of course, in no way, shape or form bans anyone from wearing fur. However, that didn't stop Orthodox rabbis and black ministers from decrying the bill because, hear me out, they wear fur. Not for religious reasons. They just do. And so, the bill is anti-Semitic and racist. I'm not sure what they're going for.

Well, no, I think I get it. We can't have Orthodox rabbis looking like Abe Lincoln got attacked by a used sentient hedgehog layer cake. That would be silly. If it was used, it would be a silly image.

Come on, guys. The most anti-Semitic thing we could do is keep letting you wear those hats. Come on. I will, a little side note for the listeners here. The hardest I have ever made Thomas Smith laugh is when we saw one of the guys in the fur hats when he was visiting New York.

And he was like, oh, what's that? And I said, that's our king. It's the hardest I've ever made in life. In case you're wondering. So first up was Councilman Chaim Deutch, who regular listeners will remember for his breaking all the laws and doing his absolute best to turn parts of the city into a theocratic embezzling organization. But this is what he had to say about the fur ban. Quote, if we ban fur and then you have people that are still out there wearing it,

considering the fact that hate crime in New York City is on the rise, people will be targeted on the streets with protesters saying why are you wearing this if there's a fur ban and quote but right now we're taking those people seriously really to which you'll reply i'm a fourth century nozzle like their fatalistic fake oppression scenario is someone might ask me why i have a rescue dog wrapped around my head look look i think cruelty to animals very seriously the guilt i feel over this fur the first thing i transfer into my sin chicken before i twirl it to death. Okay? The very first. Google cap her up.

Now, on the other hand, Harlem pastor, the Reverend Johnny Green Jr. said, quote, in our culture, notice I'm not doing a voice, fur is a sign of status, achievement, that we've made it against all odds. Show up to any black church on

a Sunday in the winter and you will see a heap of mink coats. So fucking what? To ban the sale of fur in New York City but allowed it to be sold in Westchester is culturally insensitive. What? I'm more concerned about saving black lives

when the activists are more concerned about saving black lives than black minks let me know oh and quote fuck's sake um all right well first of all i'm pretty sure black people are allowed in westchester i don't know to be fair i'm not 100 on that but i think so yeah i don't know but i mean like I'm more concerned about black lives than stopping black market passports, too. I feel like both can matter. You can't just put the same word in front of stuff and become profound. You put black in front of the other thing.

I get it. But like, that's nothing. Also, all minks matter. Okay. Yeah. Also, good news for Johnny. Actually, just this year, Reverend, it was announced you are allowed to start caring about two things at once this year. I spoke to all the other PETA people and we're just going to add that second one about black lives.

Once we get this mink thing cleared up, then we'll have an extra space. So, however, there's a problem with that, obviously, which is that as an atheist, mocking animal abuse advocates is a sign of status and achievement. If you come to an atheist convention, it's just a pile of mocking animal abuse advocates. So you have to continue making these arguments, what I'm saying, or you're anti-atheist, Reverend. Racist. atheist reverend racist all right so while we add the right to accessorize freely to the ever expanding litany of religious freedoms we're going to close the headlines for the night he feel i thanks as always milkshake a nazi that one i can get behind and when we come back the bible will be here to make our brains feel even number. Why, hello.

It's me, Ben Carson, Secretary of Blimp Terror. Mr. Carson, you're the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That's what I said. Anyway, it can be hard to find qualified candidates because not all jobs can just deport people you beat in a presidential race. Am I right?

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And right now, listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C- Don't help me, A- T-H-I-N-G. Scarthing. That's right. Scarthing. That's, yes. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing.

ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. Now I'm off to make some housing fudge cookies. Subsidies. Oh. Well, hello. It's me, Melnambia Trump. And me, Sarah Huckabee Sanders Stars of the new hit podcast, Sarah and Melovia's Happy Funtime Podcast As you know, our Patreon has just reached $4

That was me, I put that money in Cool, gotta spend money to spend money, am I right? Good work I don't think that's a saying, Sarah Cool. Gotta spend money to spend money. Am I right? Good work? I don't think that's a saying, sir. It is now. But did you know the Saving Atheists Matrion Drive is only $187 away from Eli being dungeon master for a D&D campaign with Heath, Noah, and Andrew? Did you know that Drew has just hit the goal for ringtones for $2 patrons? That's right. So for an extra buck,

you could get a ringtone of me being like, answer your phone. Answer it, motherfucker. Answer it. Answer. Or me being like, cring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Your phone is ringing. Hoppy's not in New York, D.A. Cr-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling, your phone is ringing, hope it's not the New York D.A., gring-a-ling.

And there's still plenty more goals and rewards to go. So head on over to patreon.com slash scathingatheist and give what you can. Because like they say in my village, when the skin turns gray, you must go away. Um, I don't think that's the saying. Oh, it's a saying. Even people who don't think the Bible is the inerrant word of God are usually way off base as to what's actually in there. See, most people seem to think the Bible is just a bunch of mildly rapey fairy tales

with the occasional nugget of moral direction until Jesus shows up. What it actually is, is an insanely boring genealogy with rape sprinkled in to wake you back up. And in our continuing effort to prove that to you without you having to actually read the fucking thing, we're pleased to present another installment of bible peace theater finally finally what numbers right what oh i gotta admit towards the end of leviticus i was just thinking to myself oh boy you know is this the whole book but we we made it out of levit, so it's time for some Bible stories. Am I right? Eli, this is Numbers.

We're on the book of Numbers now. Yeah. You want to tell me it's just an entire book of the Bible dedicated to Numbers? I mean, kind of, large parts of it. But there are stories in it too, right? Kinda. I mean, but not as many stories as there are you know

numbers. God damn it! I mean, you know, you could read ahead. Read ahead, exactly, yeah. No. Okay. And the Lord spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai in the tabernacle of the congregation on the first day of the second month in the second year

after they came out of the land of Egypt, saying, Take ye the sum of all the congregations of the children of Israel. Okay, tribe of Reuben? Here. Eliseth, the son of Israel. October standing by. So, John's okay with doing this? Oh, yeah. I told him he could do different voices, so he is super duper happy. You know you were joking on the AMA, but I looked it up. Those smart car things get amazing

gas mileage. They're getting like... Let me guess. Let me guess. It's not a game. I'm just in conversation because we're doing the foreground. 12. 12.

The number 12. Is that a guess? Do you know how cars work? Hotter or colder? Then what? Cold? I guess. Very cold.

Okay. Okay. 200,000. Somehow exponentially colder. I don't think this game is meant for your level of... Gad? Gad! Even colder.

The mother is disturbing. Eliaseth, the son of Duel. I'm here. Naphtali? Son of Queen. Ahira, the son of Inan. Oh, Ahira. Get it?

Ahira? Never mind. Okay, so just over 600,000 able-bodied men, so at least a couple million people in like, jeez, 400 years. Wow, that's just a tremendous amount of fucking guys. Good for you. Nine kids a person minimum really just a tremendous amount of fucking good for you guys now let's all go to a toy store and tell our kids it's a museum hooray uh excuse me yes levites uh how come nobody counted us Well, that's because you guys have a super important job. We do? You sure do.

You are going to watch the tabernacle. And it's zestless. It's what? It's zestless. I'm still not getting it. Just watch the stinking tabernacle. Okay, so it's time to figure out where everyone camps. Oh, I can help with this.

Oh, why is that? Oh, I recently planned a wedding. I got this. Oh, yeah, go ahead. And then we put the Levites next to the sons of Reuben. I'm thinking that'll work right there. And near the door? I feel like that's mean. I mean, there is a table near the door. Is there someone you'd rather put there? Somebody has to go there. Well, what about your friends, the Kohains? Oh, so it's fine to put my friends by the door.

That's what you're saying. Oh, so you admit putting people by the door is mean. So, how'd it go? Great. Went great, okay? It went great. It doesn't sound great. It was great. There's a table there. People of Israel, hear me! What is it, Aaron?

of Israel. Hear me. What is it, Aaron? Uh, so, you guys remember how God made me and my sons keeper of the tabernacle, right? Well, I mean, the ones he didn't burn. Those sons. The ones he didn't burn. Thank you for that correction. Yep.

So, yep. Okay. Turns out, I talked to God just now. Uh, you guys all had too many kids. We had too many kids? Mm-hmm, yeah. 273 too many. But, talked to God for you, and he said you can keep them for like 1,365 shekels.

That's like five shekels a kid. So, it's honestly nothing, really. That seems like an oddly specific number. Yeah, I agree with absolutely. But, you know, that's what God said. So, you know, gotta... And this has nothing to do with the money that you had on Dominic Brazil. What?

Who is that? No. No. No. No, this is God. Because the Who is that? No. No. No. This is God because the kids, this is God. Right. I'll say so. Yeah. Down in the first fucking round. Jesus. What?

Nothing. Nothing. What did you say? And then it's the dirty water thing. Ooh. What's that? What's the dirty water thing. Ooh, what's that? What's the dirty water thing? Actually, it's not clear. People call it everything from the Bible advocating abortion to like a Bronze Age paternity test.

Paternity test, you say, eh? Eli, no. Welcome back to The Maury Show. When we left, Shmooly had a stunning accusation to make. Every time I come home, Seidel looks so rushed and hurried. I know she's cheating on me. I am not the father, Maury. Well, she's here now.

Let's see here what Seidel has to say. Shmuley is out of his mind. I have never cheated on him, and I never would. All right, Seidel. You took the test of the dirty water, and your uterus did not swell and fall out of you, which means Shmuley, you are the father. I told you.

I told you, Shmuley. I knew it. I'm sorry. Did you guys just doodly-doo into the Maury show? We did, yes. Did you at least do the voices jewish very much so jewish voices yep yeah i got outvoted all right good you guys know mori povich made one of his producers take picture of her tits yes yeah yeah you told us like six times okay so who wants to be a Nazirite? You! Yeah, absolutely. That's right.

All right, great. Okay, so just a couple of rules. First rule, no drinking. And I quit the whatever this is. Boo. Nope. Oh. Okay.

Second rule, no cutting your hair. I'm out. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I shave it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, shave it. Oh, I thought it was... Me too. Me too. Don, me too. I also shave it.

Don. Guys, I don't... I also shave. I get it. Don. Okay, Don's out. Also, he shall come at no dead body. I'm not sure on the definition, but almost certainly I'm out.

You guys fuck. What number do you use? Next. Hi. Hi, uh, Abram, right? Yep, that's me. So, you're a little older than most folks we get here at the employment agency. Why don't you tell me a little bit about your

work experience? Sure, sure. I was a Levite, so at age 25, I was shaved and sprinkled and, well, you know, you know. And last week was my 50th birthday, so retirement, mandatory, mandatory retirement for Levites. So here I am. All right, then. What did you do as a Levite? I served in the tabernacle. So if you've got any tabernacles that need serving, I'd be able to do that.

I mean, we use Levites for that. Of course you do. Right. Of course you do. Right. Of course you do. Stupid. No, stupid. So what would you suggest that I do? Well, let's see here.

Bold, no marketable skills. Right. Yep. Yep. Well, you could start a podcast. What's a podcast? Well, it's like the radio. Okay, Passover. Everyone excited?

Yeah! I cannot wait to celebrate the freedom of the Jews! Wow, I wonder what solemn and holy ritual we'll use to commemorate this day. And Moses said to Pharaoh, let my people go. Oh, my God. How much of this is left?

Dude, there's still like another hour until we eat the lettuce wraps with apple in them. So you should. Okay. Well, first of all, gross. Second of all, you said we were going to hide stuff for money or something like that? I didn't know my little cousin was coming. So the worst. like that? I didn't know my little cousin was coming, so the worst. And Pharaoh said...

No, he said no. Heath, it's two letters. He was right there. Can I start over? I will stab you in the heart. We're going to eat now. And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the children of Israel journeyed, and in the place where the cloud abode, there the children of Israel pitched their tents. And cloud on the tabernacle. Oh, come on. Here we go.

All unpack. And no cloud on the tabernacle. Oh, come on. Here we go. I'll unpack. And no cloud on the tabernacle. Hurry. I hate this so much. And cloud on the tabernacle again. This is the worst religion. I don't understand. I don't know, Abimash.

What if we've made the wrong choice in crying out to Moses? Alaroc, we're the best of friends. God took us out of Egypt so that we would be happy. We'll tell Moses our troubles and then we'll have more adventures together. Abamash and Alarak, the best of friends. Okay, okay. Uh, excuse me, Moses? Ungrateful. Okay. Uh, excuse me, Moses? Ungrateful. And so I said, I'm not reading that whole thing. It's like a hundred pages long. Totes. Yup. Um, I'm sorry, God?

Uh, never mind. I'm going to talk to you later. Okay. I'm here for you. Just so you know. That means so much to me. Thank you. Can I hug it out? Absolutely, buddy. Get in here. Oh, I needed buddy get in here oh i needed this excuse me oh my me what so um we've been walking around for quite some time now and well and all the people have to eat is mana which is probably bug shit so free bug shit thank you sarah no right no but then when people complained about that you you burned them to death um yeah i did so i was wondering if you could either kill me or give us something else to eat? Oh, you want something else to eat? You'll get something else to eat, Moses.

Oh, thank you, love. You'll eat so much fucking meat, it's going to come out of your literal nose. No, just a little meat for your chosen people. That's all I asked for. Uh-huh, and that's what you're going to get. Oh, okay. Thanks? Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Thanks?

Mm-hmm. You're welcome. You're welcome. And there went forth a wind from the Lord and brought quails from the sea and let them fall by the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the

face of the earth. It's a three foot high-high pile of chicken. Oh, my God, the best. Well, there you go. Moses, are you serious? What, you wanted something else to eat? Get away from me. Yeah, like some veggies,

something that just wasn't bug shit. Not a three foot high pile of quail. Speak for yourself. This is awesome. Well, you should have been more specific. Specific. I just assumed that... Big ups. Ungrateful. Ungrateful.

Did God just kill that guy for complaining about the quail? It appears so, yes Well, more quail for me Excellent This is in the book It is It is, yes And with Heath up to his waist in quail for the third time this month,

we'll get out the extracting tongs, but soon we'll be back with more... Bible Peace Theater. Before we cue the coda tonight, I want to remind you that this is the final week of our Matrion fundraiser. We reached our pajama party goal. So Lucinda, Heath, Eli, Andrew, Tim, and myself, we're all getting together on the second weekend in June for a pajama party live stream for our patrons. But if you want to get the invite, you have to be a patron before May 27th. So you have to sign up before next week's show comes out. And if enough of you do that, Andrew will be playing Twister with us at that pajama party. And the record by the way we invited morgan he just couldn't

make it we didn't leave him out he said it had nothing to do with the potential twister game we don't believe him anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptic crowd debuting at 7 a.m eastern on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd have to wear a silas if I neglected to thank Heath Enright

for talking to Eli and I on the phone so much, despite his predilections. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for not making me bleep out any doxings of Heath this week. I want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions, who apologizes for her absence this week. She has a cold, and she sounds like the madam in a frog brothel, so she asked if we could cover the misogyny for her. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for doing the work of six men, assuming those guys' jobs is to sit around and take turns talking.

I also want to thank Chris and Lee from the Classic Rock Album by Album podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, so if you need a little more classic rock in your life, or preferably a lot more, check the show notes for a link to their podcast. But most all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous matreons. Another big list here. Here we go. Natalie, Madeline, Melissa, Eli's favorite sex friend, Joe, Mr. Asp, David, Patrick, Brent, Pets,

Hayman, Daniel, Julia, Easter Keister, Nicholas, Scott, Gerard, Brett, Veggie, and Commander Shepard, Gerardo, Kalen, Zachary, Shane, Michael, Bryce, Dave, Dorsey, Dylan, Shane, Andrew, Octane, Bl Daniel, Julie, Easter, Keister, Nicholas, Scott, Gerard, Brett, Veggie, and Commander, Shepard, Gerardo, Kalen, Zachary, Shane, Michael, Bryce, Dave, Dorsey, Dylan, Shane, Andrew, Octane, Blank, Mason, Eric, David, Ryan, Brian, Brittany, Brady, John, Kent, Kat, JD, Snarky, Vet, Duncan, Anon, Steven, Lisa, Lee, Colin, Glenn, Sakashida, Spencer, Titanic, Rain, Samuel, Molly, TJ, Kay, Smith, Jennifer, Dylan, Frederick, O'Farmley, Attorney of Law, Carol, Jonathan, Lucas, Jill, Link, Susan, Boomer, Koji, Day, Jay, Alexandria, and Patroness,

Stupid, Long Name, Unpurp purpose, you're welcome, Noah. Who are so hot he drops it like it's them? Together, these 76 people, animal sex friend, bunny asses, inside jokes, and direct challenges to my lung capacity help make Matriona's success this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but the only way to know for sure is to try. So make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. The legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Roberts, and handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com i sat by the door at eli's wedding that's fine you did the preceding

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