The Scathing Atheist - 330: Sticks and Stones Edition

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

In this week’s episode, Numbers will earn its namesake in a body count, Donald Trump gets wildly confused by the definite article of "the Moon", and Noah left his heart in San Francisco because the TSA says it’s technically a container of liquid. --- Come see us live in Virginia Beach! You’ll find ticket info here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-virginia-beach-tickets-63066905813 --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Vatican spent over $10 million lobbying against their victims, just in the Northeastern US: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2019/06/report-catholic-church-spent-10-6-million-to-lobby-against-victims-of-child-sex-abuse/ Also: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/11/most-americans-say-the-catholic-churchs-sex-abuse-scandal-is-an-ongoing-problem/ Crazy jet guy is crazy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/07/this-is-a-horrible-way-to-defend-a-wealthy-televangelists-private-jet/ Duterte says he cured himself of being gay: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/01/mass-murdering-philippines-president-says-he-cured-himself-of-being-gay/ Vatican reminds everybody that they’re anti-trans bigots again: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/10/vatican-releases-new-anti-trans-document-trashing-the-concept-of-gender-theory/ Pastor credibly accused of using oral sex to exorcise men's evil spirits: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/07/pastor-credibly-accused-of-using-oral-sex-to-exorcise-mens-evil-spirits/ Quebec puts up “these don’t work signs” near the homeopathy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/03/many-quebec-pharmacies-now-include-a-warning-sign-near-homeopathic-products/ SCOTUS rejects effort to get “In God We Trust” off the damn money already: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/10/supreme-court-rejects-atheists-case-to-remove-in-god-we-trust-from-money/ Donald Trump thinks the Moon is part of Mars: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/07/donald-trump-forget-the-moon-lets-go-to-mars-the-moon-is-a-part-of-mars/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Jill duggar https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/09/jill-duggars-marriage-advice-never-masturbate-and-always-be-available-for-sex/ Uncovered shoulders are slutty: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/04/catholic-priest-women-must-cover-their-shoulders-at-mass-to-protect-male-purity/ LA lawmaker defends child marriage: “Some 16 year olds are very mature” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/04/louisiana-gop-backs-child-marriage-bill-a-lot-of-16-year-olds-are-very-mature/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language. Keep your fading couch handy. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by 89 200 thousandths of what the Catholic Church spent on stopping child protection laws since 2011. The Catholic Church, raping kids is our business. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Nathan. Donald Trump is a filthy monkey man. It's Thursday.

It's June 13th. And we're the reason that other guy has to be friendly. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jeff Bezos' New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, numbers will earn its namesake in a body count. Donald Trump gets wildly confused by the definite article of the moon.

And I left my heart in San Francisco because the TSA said it was technically a container of liquid and they don't fuck around. But first, the diatribe. It probably won't surprise many of you to learn that I'm bitchy guy in the line. And I'm hesitant to admit it because I know from experience that most people just hate bitchy guy in the line. But before you judge me too harshly, let me speak for just a moment in defense of both myself and my kind. So here we are. We're in a line. And for whatever reason, it's not moving or you know it's not operating as lines like this one normally would so i'm there with you know whatever several

dozen people in earshot and we're all stuck in the same unjust position so with only the most benevolent of intentions i take it upon myself to voice the group's collective frustration now in my own head i'm doing all these people a favor i mean they might not realize it but i'm a professional bitcher and i'm doing this shit pro bono and i'm not just griping right i'm not just standing there going man we're just fucking line would move i'm giving them a diatribe i'm giving them a thorough examination of the errors in line construction the incompetence of service or the arrogance of that one customer monopolizing the cashier replete with creatively inserted expletives it's not a sculpture it's not a symphony but damn it it's my art but as is the

case with so many fine artistic achievements it largely goes unappreciated in fact more often than not it's reviled because as i've only slowly come to learn the people who are stuck in the line with me don't want to be reminded how much it sucks they don't want to dwell on the flawed concepts and execution that have led to such a lethargic queue they want to distract themselves with conversations or facebook and take their minds off the fact that this stupid fucking line hasn't moved at all in eight oh i'm sorry now nine minutes but having a person nearby remarking to his wife about the rectal depth this service representative's head must have achieved by now is acting in contradiction to that goal. Now, I guess most people probably realize as children that nobody wants to hear them bitch about stuff. But through the bizarre set of incentives that this job has created, it took me a long time to put all of that stuff together.

Normally, they just kind of ignore me and go about their distractions. And although I took that as a sign of approval for years, it eventually occurred to me that the only real recourse I'd left for him was to stand in a line bitching about a guy standing in a line bitching, right? They couldn't stop me without becoming me. And of course, once in a while, I was rewarded for being bitchy guy in the line. After all, I might personally be like hypersensitive to the proper pacing of a line, but if it's bad enough, at a certain point, everybody kind of catches up with me, right?

At that point, they generally appreciate having somebody else willing to take up the mantle of squeaky wheel on their behalf. So there's some invisible line where bitchy guy in the line goes from being an asshole to an annoyance. And then there's another line where he goes from being an annoyance

to the voice of the people. But more often than not, the line moves way before I cross either of those lines. And I'm just that asshole that you were in line with. So the next time you're in line and you hear one of us in your midst, before you get too annoyed, keep in mind that if they timed it better, you'd be on board. Right. Just a matter of timing. And even if they're being an insufferable asshole, you should at least temper your frustration by remembering that if it weren't for people like that, we wouldn't have a fucking movement. So I know I've tortured the analogy already, but I'm going to go ahead and spell it out. When I was growing up, it was unspeakably rude to criticize religion.

Yes, religion was wrong. Yes, that was provable. Yes, religion was harmful. Yes, we all see that. But nobody wanted to talk about it or even think about it. They just wanted to distract themselves with a book or a conversation about the weather. They wanted to think about other things with the confidence that eventually the line would start moving again. But some of us didn't pick up on that social convention or else we just didn't give a shit about it. And we turned to the people to our left and to our right and we said hey this is wildly unreasonable isn't it but they kept their eyes down and their mouths shut and they thought to themselves sure the line isn't moving but it would be way less insufferable if this jackass didn't keep pointing it out but we didn't realize that we took their acquiescence as a sign of approval so we kept going and sure once in a blue moon somebody in the line would shout us down somebody would say

dude enough we get it you don't like standing in the line now shut the down. Somebody would say, dude, enough. We get it. You don't like standing in the line. Now shut the fuck up. And far more often than not, the crowd would side with that person and join in their condemnation. But somewhere along the line, we passed through this invisible line where the trespasses of religion were too bold to ignore by sticking your face in your phone and where those of us speaking up were once assholes, we were now regarded simply as annoying. Right. I don't know where this line was. Perhaps it was the point where the Vatican crossed over the six digit mark on known child rapes. Who knows? All I know is that at some point the reaction changed.

People didn't approve of my bitching, but they sure as hell stopped siding with the guy who tried to shout me down. And then we crossed another line and that one wasn't invisible. In fact, I can tell you when it happened to the minute it was 9 59 a.m eastern time on september 11th of 2001 right and the things that me and my ilk were standing in line saying hadn't changed we were saying the same shit but i guess when you're listening to our words through the thunderous sound of a collapsing skyscraper maybe they sound different. It's a matter of acoustics. And suddenly we stopped being annoying

and we became the voice of the people. There was nothing new about new atheism except the fact that people started fucking listening. Books about religion being wrong and dangerous had been written before and sent out into the world by major publishers. Hell, they'd been doing that since at least the 18th century. What changed was the other people in the line started buying those books.

The people started to look up from their phones and their books and their polite conversations and realized the bitchy asshole behind him had been right all along. The line was never going to fucking move unless somebody made enough noise to get the attention of the supervisor. So yeah, I'm an asshole. I've admitted as much. I'll always be an asshole, but sometimes the attention of the supervisor. So yeah, I'm an asshole. I've admitted as much. I'll always be an asshole, but sometimes the world needs assholes. So maybe next time you come across the squeaky wheel, before you dismiss them with a nasty look, you start by

thanking them for the abundance of grease. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the reigning champion of the puzzle in a thunderstorm pajama party arm wrestling championship heathen right and honorable mention finisher eli bosnick fellas are you ready to go over the top okay well tim clearly let me win sure i mean i did the hat turn but did you see that? He cancelled my hat turn with a reverse hat turn. That was genius. Totally fucked me up.

Plus, he is clearly physically stronger than me. Also that. That's really the whole thing with my first name, pretty much. So yeah, he definitely threw me a pity win. He almost did that. He played with me for a while, made it seem like I was giving him a challenge.

Yeah. Yeah. More importantly, I'm pretty sure Lucinda stopped trying a third of the way through our wrestling thing to try to throw me a pity win and failed. I may never recover. That is correct. That is what happened. Lucinda is wildly powerful.

It's so shockingly powerful compared to what you think when you get in there. It was insane. She can swing that fucking varmint hammer, man, let me tell you. In our lead story tonight, if you divide $10.6 million by however much it costs to convince a person to spend 40 hours a week lobbying against child sex abuse victims,

the result will be the number of people in the northeastern United States who did that for a living over the last eight years. It's a really sad math problem. Yeah, right. No more word problems from Noah. Yeah, and I'm sure they were getting paid pretty well, but we're talking

several dozen people whose job for at least a year was try to stick it to those greedy, raped children. That's according to a new report that looked into just how much money catholic diocese were pumping into that particular employment sector great another elegant market solution fantastic the invisible hand that fucks little kids that's delightful fun fact the invisible hand that fucks little kids anime was okay but the manga was really good like you gotta

honestly that's probably true okay so this report comes from a law firm in pennsylvania called william cedar that specializes in clergy abuse cases and they don't mince words in the title they went with church influencing state how the catholic church spent millions against survivors of clergy abuse well that is on the nose yeah just like too big to fail at getting away with raping children yeah well but now to be fair the title did pull its punches a bit by not adding in the northeastern u.s alone right because what these guys did they basically just totaled up the publicly available numbers to show that since 2011 the various northeastern diocese have pumped eight digits into opposition

to laws designed to protect and compensate sex abuse victims their sex abuse victims yeah all right dave real quick before i send this um i'm gonna call it pro-rape influence money. Are we the worst? Are we the baddies? Yeah, exactly. And on the one hand, it's easy to say, yeah, you know, but you got to expect any entity to look after its own interests and write this off as akin to a tobacco company lobbying against legislation that allows cancerous customers to get compensation. Well, yeah, yeah. It's just like that. If every 10th pack also sodomized your child. Well, yeah, exactly.

The key difference here is that nobody at R.J. Reynolds is pretending that they never realized they were selling tobacco to people. They're super sorry about the tobacco selling, and they promise to do whatever it takes to make sure they never sell tobacco again. It's easy to look at the Catholic Church and think of child rape as like their primary function but at least according to what it is but according to them they're doing some jesus related stuff or something right so fighting against laws that would punish those of them that did the thing that they meant not to do is in direct contradiction to their public stance now, which would have you believe that they're trying to stop with all the kid raping.

Hey, can we like step down the kid fucking, you know, like a multi-step nicotine patch? No, no. What the fuck is happening? What? The patch for kid fucking is just a Dora the Explorer sticker. Jesus Christ.

Someone deleted my scratch and sniff joke. I don't know who in our company did that. That was all of us. We deleted it several times. Yes, exactly. Rewrite it, deleted. So if there is a silver lining to this story, other than the $10 million the Catholics can't spend on toddler lube,

it's that despite the high price tag, it doesn't seem to be fucking working. So among the highest ticket items uh the reports catalog was the 2.9 million dollars they spent in new york lobbying against the child victims act which cuomo signed into law on my anniversary this year no correct me if i'm wrong your anniversary is valentine right? Yep. That's a weird way to celebrate Valentine's Day. It really was a weird, weird timing. If I was Cuomo, I'd be like, hey, maybe we do this tomorrow.

Yeah, exactly. All right, so as for the lobbying they've done towards public opinion, good news, a survey from the Pew Research Center that came out this week finds that 79% of Americans still consider the Catholic child rape thing to be a current issue. And in case you're curious, by the way, the percent of Americans who are Catholic is greater than 21%. So despite a pope, the press can't stop sucking off in an eight-figure decadal budget for just eight states.

They've managed to convince fewer people they stopped raping children than believe Trump has never committed a crime. So if this is the strategy, you might have to start draining those cemetery maintenance funds, guys. It's not going great. listeners to the show will remember televangelist and dark universe larry hagman kenneth copeland who justified the purchase of a 54 million dollar private jet because commercial airlines are real quote long tubes filled with demons yeah huh well you can get that same thing at adamandeve.com for way less than 54 million. That's like irresponsible. You're looking for a long tube filled with demons. I don't get that. I burn one armrest

hogged ass with a scalding hatred of my glare in the name of Satan and it gives the whole industry a bad reputation? Plus, that guy took his shoes off. There's a lot to that story. I agree. As happens occasionally on our show, when the moon turns blue and the fae folk dance or the

wicker willow the mainstream media got their hands on how fucking crazy the world of religion is and it led to the greatest interview inside edition has ever done well there's a there's a high bar clear was it in focus is that what got it to that bar uh so yeah if you haven't seen the clip yet you should watch it uh sorry you shouldn't watch it you should print out every frame of it and you should cover the walls of your home with it and then you should spin in circles forever that's how beautiful it was uh but for those of you didn't see it in the interview an extremely coked up kenneth copeland is asked by a reporter why he has multiple private jets to which he responds uh almost exact quote here i can't tell you enough how much i love cocaine I'm a huge fan of cocaine. That said, I found your question upsetting,

so I may need to eat the skin off your face. And so, so close to a real quote. Yeah. Well, I'll eat the skin off your face just as soon as I finish eating all the skin off the inside of my raw, hemorrhaging cheeks. We're not done yet. Look how wide my eyes are, end quote.

Either way, you need to watch this interview and you need to share it with literally everyone who tells you about charity christians do with their tax-free money just forever when they say that you send them this video and you just wait and in killer in manila news president of the Philippines, mass murderer, and every guy yelling at a live chicken in the back of a New York City bodega right now, Rodrigo Duterte announced last week that he finally found the cure to being gay. He does look like that. He does look like he's yelling at a live chicken. That's what he's always doing. Absolutely.

He's right now, guaranteed. Guaranteed. So he found the cure to being gay, and apparently it works just like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy. You just proclaim it. Yep. According to Rowdy Doody, he spent many years having sex with men as an undeclared heterosexual. years having sex with men as an undeclared heterosexual but then he married his wife elizabeth and he said quote this is it that's the end of the cure that's the oh okay i declare heterosexuality that's it okay i've okay theory i feel like when you've terrorized a nation to

the point that he has like once in a blue you just wander out and you go I'm so heterosexual I fucked men just to see if anybody snickers right and now we know why he wants to fight God so bad right I hear you like to wrestle

touch you with my foreskin so Duterte is currently involved in a rivalry with political opponent antonio trelawnis the fourth and during a recent speech duterte suggested that trelawnis is also gay uh you guys ready for the evidence on that i am yeah here it is duterte claims that Trelawness, quote, moves like a gay person. Whatever the fuck that means. I'll Google it. Duterte spoke with a gay person who is, I guess, an expert on sexuality kinetics.

There is no way the physical motion of Trelawness would allow him to enjoy his penis inside a vagina. That would be impossible based on his motions. Duterte told his audience, quote, you ask any gay person who sees Trelawness move and they'll say he's gay. No wonder. Good thing Trelawness and I are similar, but I cured myself, end quote. And that's when Duterte added the part about being cured via verbal declaration. Okay, all right. Trickier, though. If Trelawney says, this is it, I declare myself heterosexual at his next rally, at least half of Duterte's claims fall apart, right?

Oh, yeah. Look, I think there's only one way to settle this with a good old fashioned not gay off. Don't have sex with a guy starting now. I quit the game. Yeah. It's a tie if you fuck each other. Does it matter who goes? No, never mind.

So Duterte is obviously stupid and evil. Duterte is obviously stupid and evil. But, you know, if we took a few minutes, I'm thinking we could probably think of some other national leaders who fit that description of stupid and evil. And while it's no surprise that calling someone gay in a pejorative sense like that is an effective rhetorical tool in a country with a very large Catholic majority, that also works here in the United States. Yes, it does. And just about everywhere else because the world is full of garbage human beings, thanks mostly to religion. In fact, we learned from this story

that the Philippines has an openly gay president now. Yeah. And our best shot at that here in the US is a tween prodigy who somehow became mayor of like 19 people in nobody fucking cares Indiana. So here's hoping some LGBT members of Congress like Sharice Davids and Katie Hill and Angie Craig start making names for themselves on the national stage here in the States. Like Google them. Talk about them. Amplify their voices fucking d up

or hear me out elect them president of the philippines think about it there you go and in less than meets the eye news tonight phenomenal i'm not done with those fucking catholics yet because according to a new document that they intentionally published, apparently trans people are, just like all those dollars they owe the victims of their ongoing child rape cover-up in Minnesota, despite every appearance to the contrary, they simply don't exist.

Yeah. The Vatican spent time writing an essay about how trans is a Ponzi scheme. It's fucking love. That's what they're spending their time on. I just love that the Catholic Church was like, all right, everybody, enough about us. No.

Oh, okay. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Never mind. All right, so the document in question is a guide for Catholic school teachers entitled Male and Female He Created Them Towards a Path of Dialogue

on the Question of Gender Theory in Education. And the title's kind of a spoiler on where the thing lands. It concludes, quote, Oscillation between male and female becomes, at the end of the day, only a provocative display against so-called traditional frameworks and one which in fact ignores the suffering of those who have to live situations of sexual indeterminacy end quote you hear that trans listeners you're the ones being inconsiderate right like or at least you would be if you actually existed and weren't the byproducts of misguided adolescent rebellion that often happens in your 30s or 40s.

The point is, the Pope is the woke one here. Yeah. Why do they think gender transition is an oscillation? That seemed like a weird word choice. Really? That's the word? Are lots of people just like fucking with the Pope and being like, male, female, no, male, no, female, female, male, male, female, male, female. Just like actually, Pope, do you know how sign curves work?

I'd like my identity to be a sign curve. Can you picture that? And look, even if being trans were just rebellion, it's the most badass rebellion ever. It's like, oh, you got an earring and dyed your hair blonde? My buddy Steve over here cut off his fucking tits. Now, to be fair,

Pope Franadine hasn't signed off on the document. He'll probably try to keep his hands off it if he can, but he has referred to gender theory as wickedness in the past. It's not like there's a remote chance he would denounce the views that the document expresses and for whatever it's worth the

document also calls for dialogue between the church and those who disagree but it calls for dialogue about how trans people don't actually exist so yeah that's that's kind of an anti-defense thing ultimately when you think about it next up in headlines we have a very interesting story about demons and blowjobs out of eli bosnick's new jersey heath i told you that in confidence and according to recent reports reverend william weaver of the linden presbyterian church is a blowjob demon actually yes that's oh wow okay good i got one right awesome reverend william weaver has been credibly accused of tricking parishioners into letting him fillet them in order to exercise their demons what that yep they had come demons oh god according to their reverend yeah and the only way to deal with that is a combination of native american

rituals and sucking their dicks to completion it has to be done by a trained professional with plenty of experience with demons and also creepy blowjobs. Or, in other words, a clergyman. There's just one man. Dude, Willie. Got it. Just suck a dick, man. Right. Grind her.

Do it. Tinder. A shabby enough bus station. You don't need a three-act play. No. You don't. No. No trickery at all. you don't need a three-act play no you don't no no trick real you might as well be trying to

trick heath into drinking scotch or trick eli into slamming his balls into a car door exactly so uh reverend weaver has not been officially accused of any criminal activity apparently it would be difficult to prosecute because consent via lying still counts as consent. It's a revenge of the nerds law. Apparently. Seems weird because,

you know, fraud is a crime. I'm not sure why the rules of consent for a money transaction are more strict than the rules of consent for a sexual act, but strict than the rules of consent for a sexual act but here we are in the darkest timeline so it looks like there won't be a criminal trial at least not right away but don't worry uh you know how churches are amazing at policing themselves yes you know how that's a fact yeah so weaver was scheduled to have an internal church trial, but that's nothing, and you could just be like, pass.

Going to go ahead and not stand trial. So that's what he did. Of course that's what he did. And he went ahead and he retired and moved to a gated community right near Eli and Anna's house. So close to my house. It's very, very close. community right near Eli and Anna's house. So close to my house.

It's very, very close. So, I guess his penalty is being persecuted into paying property taxes like everyone fucking else. Yeah. We didn't get an exact address, though. So, if anyone has it, I have this demon.

You see? It's pretty bad. But see, I'll tell you what, though. I can forgive Weaver for skipping this. Internal trials are what started this problem to begin with. I can see why he'd be a little standoffish. So here's the demon removal blowjob pitch that Weaver was using, if anyone's curious. He'd spend a few weeks doing nonsense and grunting exorcism really loud, but somehow to no avail. That didn't do anything.

And then he'd say, I think this is one of the higher level cum demons. The really tough ones, they go right for the semen and really just stop shop right in the cum. We're going to need to go upstairs to your bedroom and take your dick out. And it worked. It worked multiple times with multiple victims. Alternate hypothesis, this dude was sucking someone's dick and got caught and was like, no, I was sucking out the demons. Yeah.

Well, regardless, like, okay, look, I'm not super gullible when it comes to exorcism, but this would probably work on me too, right? I'm not trying to... Better safe than sorry, Reverend, am I right? Exactly. And before we wrap up

the story, there's one last detail about this that I found extra insane, and that's a high bar right story so apparently the internal church trial involved charges of like i said fraudulent blowjobs but also idolatry some high-ranking minister in the presbyterian church was like okay so yes this guy was tricking people into letting him you know blow him but native american rituals really i want to focus on the idolatry part of this because that is important i thought they were making graven images of his penis or something

oh okay but more importantly that guy he was insistent. That part made it into the news. So that means they had to talk to, he was like, you're going to include the Native Americans part, right? I don't want us to just skate, a lot of churches skate over problems and I don't want to be one of them. So bottom line, if there's any doubt about the harm of believing in things that are false, maybe we add sexual predator tricks you into oral sex to that list. Also, maybe you become a sexual predator who tricks people into oral sex. That's another good one for the list. Yeah.

Yeah. Regardless of what we're going to do, I believe Eli needs a minute to figure out what the opposite of Megan's law is. So we're going to pause long enough to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. It's Mississippi. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Mississauga. Okay. So you know how sometimes you'll think of a good joke and it's just not the right time to say it? So then you have to hold it in until you're in a more appropriate place and it just feels like it's weighing you down the whole time?

Okay, so that's bad. But even worse is when you come up with a joke where there would never be a right time to say it because that just has to weigh you down forever. Let me give you an example. I'm going through my inbox and astute listener Coria sent me a story about Jill Duggar not masturbating. Seriously, she did a whole interview where she bragged about how she never masturbates and the first thing that occurred to me was, wow, she's way better at keeping her hands off of her vag than her brother is, tee hee, but that's such a horrible joke that I can never ever say it out loud. But yeah, it's all just more of that paradoxical weirdness that Christians wrap sex in.

Take as your example, Father Kevin M. Cusick, a former Navy chaplain who took to Twitter the other day to complain about the brazen display of nude shoulders he witnessed at a recent Catholic mass. His tweet read, quote, ladies, so already we know this is going to be bad, he continues, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at Holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved, end quote. And he's right. If there's one thing I know about women, it's that they generally spend too little time reflecting on how their clothing choices will be interpreted by men. It's a good thing we have Father Mansplain to sort it out for us here.

I'll just take a solace in the fact that the awkward for all involved line was almost certainly a reference to his uncomfortable pew boner. was almost certainly a reference to his uncomfortable pew boner. So on the one hand, we can't expect women to be entrusted with autonomous dominion over their own shoulders. But when men need them to be mature enough to fuck, suddenly the standards shift wildly. So quick quiz for you. What's the minimum age you can get married in Louisiana? If your answer was a number, you're wrong because there isn't one. You can get married to a person of any age. And based on their abortion laws, personhood extends to fetuses too.

So like negative nine months is probably a legitimate option there. Well, State Senator Yvonne Colum set out to change that by introducing SB 172, which would have set the new minimum at 18 years old. And it failed. The law saying you couldn't marry children failed, 22 to 15. And what excuse could one possibly offer up for opposing a bill against marrying 15-year-olds? Well, they're as bad as you think. Stuff like Nancy Landry, who said, quote, a lot of 16-year-olds are very mature, end quote.

Or even worse, the comments of Representative Valerie Hodges, who said, quote, a lot of 16 year olds get pregnant. Do you feel it's better for them to not get married at all and for the child to be born illegitimately? So, yeah, now that Val has exhaustively listed all the legal options for what a pregnant 16 year old in Louisiana can do, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Sucine Pa'un Pill news tonight, homeopathy doesn't work. And next up in headlines. We could, we could.

Just as a reminder. No, but for those unfamiliar with homeopathy, what you do is you take astronomically tiny amounts of stuff. Literally astronomically tiny. Yes. Yes. Correct usage. You put that in water.

Then you put that water into even more water. Then you shake it magically. Yes, that's a real part of it. Not a regular shake. No, it has to be magical shake. Yep. Then the stuff in the water cures the symptoms. The water in the water?

Yep. The memory actually in the water. The memory of that cures the symptoms of the original stuff you put in the first water. But it doesn't. It doesn't do that. No, it doesn't. It doesn't do that. So no because. But now, in Quebec, pharmacies admit that, which is

a start. A slow one. It's a really slow one. They admit it with a tiny little sign that's basically only visible if you unfocus your eyes for a few minutes first. You have to look past it. Yes, in pharmacies all over Quebec in homeopathy sections, Focus your eyes for a few minutes first. You have to look past it. Fucking magic eye.

Yes, in pharmacies all over Quebec, in homeopathy sections, you'll now find a sign that reads in the following French. Ahem. Okay, that was so bad. I think I know less French now. I think I lost the little bit of French I had. It's okay. I'm going to do the culturally sensitive thing and dub in Pepe Le Pew over that. It's fine. They're white.

They're the ones we have left. We can do it. We're fine. We're the ones we have left. We can do it. We're fine. We're totally fine. No emails. I feel like Pepe's mix race. I feel like. We'll get into that. Let's get into it right now.

What race do you think he is? I'm tired of doing this with cartoon characters. It's fine. Later. Every recording. You usually bring it up. Go ahead. For those of you who are fluent in French, like me, by the way, that reads, the effectiveness of homeopathic products is generally not supported by scientific

evidence based on data. That said, they are still selling them, which, I gotta admit, is the most French thing ever. Right? It does not work, but here here you go who's to stop you we're all dust in the wind

cool cool cool cool cool cool so maybe pharmacies have a section that says this is poison in binary code it's a good system great I'm sorry I'm still so stuck on generally.

They're generally not supportive. How did that wind up? Who fought to get that in? And how much does that person cost an hour? Right? Because I have a code names result that I'd like to challenge and I'd like to know. And in mind over motto news tonight, the Supreme Court rejected Michael Newdow's latest effort to get the dry cleaner

to at least admit the tiny shirt was their fault this week when they rejected an appeal from a group of atheists suing to get In God We Trust taken off our money. And while the Supreme Court isn't required to offer up any reasoning for rejecting an appeal brett kavanaugh took the unusual step in this instance of issuing a statement that said quote atheists are going to long for the fucking day when this was the deepest we wedged our jesus into their quivering assholes adding quote yeah you should have voted for hillary clinton yeah

that's that was actually the end of Kavanaugh's quote. Correct. Yeah, but I'm sure once Kavanaugh gets done, you know, destroying secular government and taking away women's rights and maintaining the plutocracy, he'll remember all those Jill Stein votes and he'll be super helpful with environmental stuff. Yeah. Should be great. Fingers crossed. He got the message. He promised that lady from the end. So if you're not familiar with Michael Newdow, he's an aspiring David pecking away at the Goliath of church state violations that first rose

to prominence in atheist circles. Read, I first heard about him when he filed a lawsuit challenging the inclusion of under God in the Pledge of Allegiance and then lost and filed another one. Then lost that one and filed another one. And if I filed another one and lost that one and filed another one and if i'm not mistaken lost that one and filed another one and lost that one anyway he's atheist sisyphus yeah exactly right so this latest suit which nobody ever had any illusions would be successful took the wildly untenable legal position that the addition on our money that says we're all religious isn't fair to non-religious people.

Also, it's fucking weird. I know all of our money is bizarre and just a weird match of white supremacy and Illuminati imagery, but in God we trust is just unsubtle, right? It's the eye of the pyramid, Horus above us, Satan below us. I get it. But in God we trust, it's the eye of the pyramid horus above us satan below us i get it but this is in god we trust it's weird it is weird so in august of 2018 an appeals court ruled unanimously against new down and the dozens of other atheists and atheist groups named in the suit citing the fact that we always did it this way and honestly right like i feel like if i got andrew torres

from opening arguments over here he would agree entirely with my summary. They said it with a bunch of law words, but the entire argument boils down to we always done it this way, along with the bizarre claim that in God we trust is a celebration of religious freedom. Yeah. The official opinion of the Supreme Court of the United States was dibs, dibs, dibs. They called it. Yes. And I know there's a huge contingent within our audience that sees this as the wrong fight. Right. I think Andrew Seidel tackled this one really well when we had him on a few weeks ago. But I also want to submit the argument that if you think that it's probably because you're succumbing to the same flawed logic as the eighth circuit court of appeals if it hadn't always been there right like if it hadn't always been there your whole

fucking life and some religious asshole was on the verge of passing a law that would put in god we trust on our money you'd be fucking livid right like tradition shouldn't diminish that outrage yeah also wrecked wreck the ending of miracle on 34th street and finally tonight the president of the united states tried to send out a tweet about astronomy last week and I'm pretty sure he physically injured himself in the process. And by astronomy, I mean he managed to fit an astronomical amount of scientific ignorance into the tiniest of spaces.

Here's the tweet. Quote, for all the money we're spending, NASA should not be talking about going to the moon. We did that 50 years ago by the way that subtraction problem is literally the intellectual pinnacle of this tweet also just saying we didn't but whatever it's fine going with the tweet we didn't okay continuing they should be focused on the much bigger things we are doing including mars of which the moon is a part defense and science end quote okay he is so sure we're gonna get attacked by aliens

i'm like 45 sure tyler had a bad day and showed him a rubber doll of a gray. And it's just sort of spun out of control. Well, okay. But in his defense, first of all, doing Mars sounds pretty awesome. And Mars is bigger than the moon. So I feel like this is already more fact heavy than his average tweet. True. It's true. Yeah.

So he somehow crammed about a year's worth of failed astronomy exams into a mere 246 characters. Honestly, I'm impressed. Like, I don't think I could have done this on purpose. And he seems to think that NASA should ignore the moon because the really good science is all happening on Mars. the really good science is all happening on Mars. Also, the moon might be part of Mars or it's on the way

to Mars, but he doesn't think we should take any bathroom breaks. You should have gone before you left. So, just to recap, I still have no idea what the fuck the leader of our country was talking about. Each interpretation is crazier

than the next it's impossible to decide which thing to make fun of him for he's so fucking stupid he's actually circled back to accidentally smart he's so fucking stupid he stumbled ass backwards into the magical power of like ridicule paralysis i don't know i'm frozen he's been he's been moving that way for a long fucking time though let's be honest all right so while our audience checks their phones to make sure they're still listening to a show about atheism we're going to close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always and when we come back use the jumanji and when we come back we still won't even have made it through the last book of the fucking Pentateuch. It's like if a hat was wearing a third eye patch.

Nope. Third eye patch. Still not a joke. Damn it. I thought that because it was third. What are you guys doing? hey noah we're just practicing for our live god-awful movies in virginia beach on july 27th he's a little bit nervous cornrows more like nope it's not gonna end well it's not gonna end well wherever you're going you don't think i can i promise finish that

well no fuck okay fine heath, what would you be nervous about? We're going to be breaking down terrible Christian cinema live on stage. There's going to be costumes. There's going to be merch. And of course, listeners can get tickets to platinum or VIP experiences as well. Really? They can? Yeah.

They just have to look in the show notes for information on where to buy tickets. Great. Great. Okay. All right, Eli, what about this? Nrah. Nrah. Nope.

That was, that was nrah, nrah again. Again? Did I do that earlier? You did it again. It was, it was same with the inflection? Same noise. Inflection. Nrah.

Nrah? I did not note inflection this time. I'm going to be honest. Nrah. Not note inflection this time. I'm going to be honest. Rah. As we work our way back through the Bible for this ongoing skit, we're reminded of all the things we hated the most about reading it the first time. The ambiguity, the monotony, the unapologetic bigotry, and perhaps most of all, the Herculean task of coming up with new ways to introduce the same repetitive bullshit every few weeks.

So, without further ado, we're pleased to present another installment of Bible Peace Theater. And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married. Wait, what? I thought he was married to Zipporah or whatever. Well, he is. Like, most people agree that this is another wife. I mean, either that or his brother and sister-in-law just got around to noticing that he'd married her all that time ago.

Yeah, I never really understood why Aaron and his wife got so worked up, though. Yeah. There they are. Hey, guys. Hi. Hey, guys. This is my... No need to introduce her.

This is my new sister, is who this is. You know, that's probably for the best that you interrupted, because she doesn't get a name in this book. Wow., that's probably for the best that you interrupted because he doesn't get a name in this book. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I am so proud of you guys. Proud of us for being married? That's right. For being married. You're so brave. No, just married. That's right. Really?

Just married. I'm going to put that on Facebook. I'm going to put that on Facebook. I'm going to put that on Facebook. Just married. Yes. You're going to post about my marriage on your Facebook? Yes, we are. Yeah, yeah, because we support you.

So brave. So brave. Okay, please stop calling my marriage brave. Wow, they don't even want to be called brave. Cowards. Nope, not that either, really. Yeah, hun, I think that's too far. I don't think they want that.

Sorry, I'm new to this, but I am your ally. We are, we are. You're welcome. Okay, we're gonna go. Oh my god, could you believe her? She was a little much. Oh my god, like, we get it. You're married to her. I don't think they talked about anything else the entire time we were here.

Right? I am so glad you said that, because I was gonna say it, but you said it. Ugh, hope God enjoys that when he goes to talk to Moses. Jesus. Right? I feel like I can do her voice. Oh, totally. I mean, I know she didn't speak, but I feel like I know how she speaks, and I could do an impersonation, right? Yes.

Yes. Okay, everyone. Gather around. Come on. I mean this. Yes, God. Hi, God. What's up?

So, what's this I hear about you guys bad-mouthing Moses' new wife, huh? What? We would never. Oh, my God. Of all the people. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I'm omnipotent. Now, look.

Moses is the meekest guy on Earth. You understand that? On Earth. Didn't he murder a guy? He's literally the prophet king of Israel. Doesn't matter. Does not matter. Meek. So, I think it's only fair, given events, that we give Miriam leprosy. What? Ew.

Oh, come on. Yeah, that seems a little harsh there, God. Fine, fine. She'll only have it for a week. A whole week? I could lose a foot. Still seems like a little harsh there, God. Fine, fine. She'll only have it for a week. A whole week? I could lose a foot. Still seems like a little much. I mean, look, if her father spit in her face, wouldn't she be ashamed for seven days? I'm sorry, is that an expression? Yeah, I feel like if anything, that would be on her dad, right?

Right, he should be ashamed. Alright, you know what? Just leave camp for a week, and when you come back, you'll be better. Okay, miss you already. Miss you, boogie bear. Ugh, you guys are the worst. Dude, we get it. Your wife is black.

Okay, everyone. Excuse me, excuse me. Thanks for coming. So, I. Excuse me. Thanks for coming. So, I spoke to God. He wants 12 spies. God wants 12 pies? No. Spies.

Spies to go to Canaan and kind of see what's up. Still no idea what you're saying. I'm singing. A quick question. Why doesn't God just tell us what's going on in Canaan, you know, with his omniscience? Yes, good question. Thank you.

Yeah, that's a good question. Right. So I thought you all might say that. And I'm just going to be honest God got sucked into Stardew Valley what's what's Stardew Valley

it's this farming video game and he just loves it did you say it's a farming video game because that sounds terrible yeah why would we want to play a game about a farm? That makes no sense. I know, I know, but it's actually really good.

Like, you have animals, and there's these people that you can give presents to. In the video game? Yes, in the video game. Yeah, it doesn't sound all that fun. I know it doesn't sound fun, but it's super fun, and so he just got the Skull Cavern, so he's been mining iridium like crazy. Um, there's a Skull

Cavern? Yeah, you gotta take the bus. What? Take the bus in the game. Yes, in the game! And so each tribe sent a spy, and they saw much, and reported back to Moses. So,

what's in Canaan? Oh, it's pretty great. They've got all this fruit. We found a bunch of grapes that were so big it took two of us to carry them back. Grapes? Yeah, grapes for your pies you said earlier.

I told you. Also, they got these big walled cities like that are guarded by all of these excuse me yes caleb i say we go forth and we take their land no man can stand against us yes yes i agree with caleb yep thank you brother joshua sorry uh sorry i Thank you, Brother Joshua. Sorry, I just wasn't finished on my thing. They've got big walled cities and literal giants. We are literally grasshopper sized in comparison to them. Wait, grasshopper size? Really?

That's drastic difference. That is what it says in the book. It does say that in the book. Oh, never mind then fuck that yeah i also quit the giant fight why would you do this to us we're gonna be eaten by giants stone them kill them whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what is going on, everybody? What's with all the wailing and the murmuring and the gnashing of teeth? Okay, so everyone's pretty upset that you brought the Jews to a land next to their enemies

Where they're sure to be at war constantly Alright, well, I was, you know, hoping they'd get used to it Not the point, look, I've got an idea, Moses. Hear me out. Is it to kill everyone? Yes. Come on, God, we talked about this. But, Moses, we could start over with better Jews.

Ones that don't have, you know, the nose thing. God, I've told you already four times in this book, if you kill all the Jews... The Egyptians will make fun of me. I know, I know. But like, I'm God, you know? I did so much for you guys. I know you did.

Like the thing with the water, that was hard. You parted it, it was. Yeah, and so like anyone who keeps wailing, like I just don't need that negativity in my life, you know? You don't. You super don't. And you don't deserve it either. Okay life, you know? You don't. You super don't. And you don't deserve it either. Okay.

How about this? How about this? Nobody over the age of 20 can come to the promised land. Nobody? Nobody. And this is going to sound weird, except for Caleb and Joshua, those guys from the last scene who wanted to fight the giants. Those guys. and Joshua, those guys from the last scene who wanted to fight the giants, those guys? I'm sorry, and everyone else who marched through the desert and followed me because I promised them paradise?

Yeah, fuck them, except for Caleb and Joshua. This is in the book. Right? How do people not know this? Hey, Caleb. Hey, Joshua. Why the long faces? Oh, well, you know, God killed the other scouts with plague, Caleb. Hey, Joshua. Why the long faces? Oh, well, you know,

God killed the other scouts with plague, so... Yeah, it was crazy. Like, all of them. Just dead bodies everywhere. All of them except us. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, he does that.

Right, and then when everyone complained, you sent them into a huge battle, and they all died. Yes. Yes, I did. But I just spoke to God, and he was... Let me guess. There's super specific sacrifice instructions for like a variety of sins.

Yes. Okay. Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble. Rabble, rabble, rabble. Jews, Jews, why do you rabble so? We found this guy picking up sticks on the Sabbath. What? I had to get sticks.

I didn't realize it was such a big deal. Look, look, mistakes happen. Don't worry about it. Wow. Really? Okay. No, I'm kidding. We're going to stone you to death.

Oh. Well, that seems harsh. Moses. Moses. Yes, God? I have something very important to tell you. Is it about the guy I just murdered who wasn't hurting anybody and was just trying to live in peace? No, no, that's

actually totally fine. I want you to wear like frilly underwear. Got it. Okay. And, and the murderers? Oh no, that was great. Keep it up. Fuck that guy and his sticks, right? Cool. Okay. Everybody's sorry about that. Anyway, on to new business. Yes. Cora. that anyway on to new business yes Cora hi yeah good question so you're the guy who's always talking to God and every time you talk to him he he you know he kills all of us or some of us or a random amount of us and and you know some of us were just thinking maybe maybe you're doing a bad job what what how am i doing a bad job i'm not the one okay okay well since you asked um well let's see for number one you're crazy uh uh number two uh your barbaric god keeps wanting to murder us all uh number three, you keep compromising on the murders. Number four,

some of us, you know, I'm just thinking maybe someone could get him down to just killing I want to say like none of us. None, right. I'm sorry. Are you challenging

me to a magic off? Nope. No. No. Hi. Sorry. Abiram here. Just to be clear. Are you challenging me to a magic off? Nope, no, no Uh, hi, sorry, uh, Abiram here Just to be clear Nobody is challenging you to a magic off And if you do hold a magic off Which, honestly, it really looks like you're gonna do now We are not coming to that magic off

Every time someone comes to a place where you challenge them God kills them, God kills them. Every time. All right. If you insist, a magic off it is. I'll do it. No, no, no, don't do it. Because if you do, I just explained he's going to kill you. No, no. What he's saying is he'll kill me if we don't show up. No, no, it doesn't matter. Everyone Moses gets mad at dies. We're all going to die. Just don't bother. I'll see you tomorrow at seven.

Oh, we'll be there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Really? Just moments ago. Explain this. And so Moses spoke to the Lord again and convinced him not to kill everyone again. And then the earth swallowed up Korah. Ah, goddammit.

And those other guys who didn't want to go to the magic off. See? I told you. And then some other guys who did show up got burned to death. Okay, he did tell us, though. Okay, busy week, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson here. Yeah, that your god is extremely evil. And that no matter what we do, your god is going to go crazy and try to kill us. Mm-hmm. evil. And that no matter what we do, your God is going to go crazy and try to kill us? Well, no. The lesson

was that only Aaron's sons get to sacrifice incense. There's like a million better ways to teach that lesson. So many ways. So many. Is there, then? God's going to kill me, isn't he? Yes. This is the worst fucking book he does that a lot

and we've got in another killing spree for the third time in a single segment we'll break there to let it work it out but we'll be back soon with more bible peace theater before we drop the curtain tonight i want to let everybody know that we've got a live recording of Godawful Movies coming up on the 27th of July in Virginia Beach. We've been planning this one for a while, but we wanted to wait until after the pajama party to make the announcement. So if you're going to be anywhere near Virginia Beach on the weekend of July 27th, check the show notes for a link to get your tickets. And if you want to come to Platinum Night, get your tickets quick. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern

Time on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't reasonably expect you to consider this the outro if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the moon to my tide. I need to thank Eli Bostic for being the sun to my moon. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being the stars to my sun. And I need to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for being the fault in my stars. I also want to thank Nathan for providing this week's adorably spot-on Farnsworth quote, or paraphrase or whatever. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's bevy of besties, Tim, Sarah, Zach, Nash, Ken, Janet, Harlan, Amanda, John, Etheridge, of course, I want to thank this week's bevy of besties. Tristan, Catherine, Garrett, Andy, Kay, Kit, Elizabeth, Jonathan, Travis, again, Kelly, Matthew, Hebe, Jebus, Wolf, Undead, Paige, Appa, Hoyo, and Bowie, Grang, Weep, NeNe,

Bong, whose very names are so sexy they came in my mouth. Together, these 57 people, dietary suggestions, and I'm thinking early internet onomatopoeia, united to keep the RSS feed a-chugging. If you'd like to join their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not if it costs money, you can also help us a little bit less by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, following us at PIAtPot on Twitter, and kidnapping your neighbor's pets.

That last one is kind of a long game thing, though, so try the other two first. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robinson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. Noah gave me the reduced one, and I was like, no.

noah gave me the reduced one and i was like no i want you to lie away a lie awake at night and be like why wouldn't he even see if those words those numbers were subtractable by other numbers i rounded it up to 90 man is what i did and then it's just one 2250th or so no No. There you go. That's a nice expression. 89's a prime number, so it's not. No, it is. You would have had to add a 90, but I don't think

we have to be because it's... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2019,

all rights reserved.