The Scathing Atheist - 331: Here Comes the Pride Editon

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

In this week’s episode, God hates Flags, Heath gets defensive enough to screw up the intro cadence, and New York tries to take the ‘ill’ out of Williamsburg. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Divine Disbelief here: http://www.youtube.com/c/DivineDisbelief --- Headlines: Rainbow flags for pride month lead to Christian freakouts: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/california-capitol-pride-flag_n_5d07d133e4b0ea7c4a4d8c6d https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/12/e-w-jackson-the-rainbow-flag-is-no-different-than-the-confederate-flag/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/11/evangelist-franklin-graham-rainbow-flags-are-offensive-to-christians/ Make America Straight Again conference has less attendees than protesters: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/16/protesters-overwhelmed-the-hate-at-the-make-america-straight-again-event/ And the horrible shit they said: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/15/here-are-the-lowlights-from-day-1-of-the-anti-lgbtq-christian-hate-conference/ New york ends religious exemptions for vaccines: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/new-york-set-to-cut-religious-exemption-to-vaccine-mandates/2019/06/13/3abc10f4-8df9-11e9-b6f4-033356502dce_story.html?utm_term=.069e9916be0a Rick Santorum is launching bitcoin for Catholics: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/12/rick-santorum-a-fountain-of-great-ideas-is-launching-bitcoin-for-catholics/ The Chapel Hill guy was 100% mad about parking: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/13/anti-theist-craig-hicks-will-spend-life-in-prison-for-killing-three-muslims/ Impossible burgers steal your soul: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/rick-wiles-plant-based-meat-alternatives-are-a-satanic-plot-to-create-a-race-of-soulless-creatures/

Warning, this podcast contains all the offensive language we could think up on the spot. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS. And by the only caffeine pill for the newly appointed bigot on the go, Tony Perkups. Tony Perkups, just in case Muslim people having rights doesn't keep you awake at night. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Susan, Texas Assistant State Director for American Atheists, treasurer for the Texas Secular Caucus, and co-host of Divine Disbelief on YouTube. We're holding it down here in Texas, and I'm here to tell you that we did, in fact,

evolve from filthy monkey folks, y'all. it's thursday it's june 20. And it's New Identity Day. Heath, you want to give that pseudonym thing a second try? I'm a creator of heathens. You don't get it. You just went over your head. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. Heath Enright.

And from Donald Rumsfeld's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, God hates flags. It's a great pseudonym. It's multiple layers of wordplay. You can acknowledge that. And New York tries to take the ill out of Williamsburg. But first, the diatribe.

Heathenry. over the last few years i've seen myself undergo a curious role reversal but for the first five years or so that we were doing this show my role was cassandra right i was screaming from the rooftops, desperately trying to get people to pay attention to the very real danger posed by the Pat Robertsons, Glenn Becks, Alex Joneses, and Tony Perkins of the world. I'd say, hey, world, you guys do realize these people are actively trying to overthrow the fundamental values of liberal democracy and replace it with a return to a fictional theocratic history right and everybody would look at me with bright eyes and then they'd pat me condescendingly about the head and tell me not to worry my pretty little self about it at all i mean

sure that might be their stated goal but they don't actually have the power to do it right as though that meant they couldn't be dangerous. Right, but then they burst forth onto the national scene with their very own president, and suddenly I felt like an idiot with a rope who'd been trying to balance a felled tree back on its stump. Suddenly all the people who patronized my dire predictions came screaming back to me to warn me that Pat Robertson, Glenn Beck, Alex Jones, and Tony Perkins were going to establish a theocracy, which they're not. They still don't have the power to do that. I feel like the best analogy is to imagine a dude with a hand grenade threatening to go to the stadium and use his hand grenade to blow up the planet. Right. You and me and all the

others in the atheist movement, we're the first to see him. Right. We're the first to come across him. So we call 911. We say, hey, you better get somebody down here. There's a dude with a hand grenade and he's threatening to go to the stadium and blow up the entire earth only to be told by the dispatcher that hand grenades can't blow up planets. He's hell and gone from the stadium. Don't worry about it. the chiefs we talked to the commissioner we talked to the congressmen the senators the governors all of them dismissed our concerns because they'd looked up hand grenades and they were quite certain that the earth would be just fine and then after all our warnings this psycho with the grenade wanders into that stadium on game day and then suddenly all the senators and governors and police commissioners that dismissed us before offer up a collective gasp and say, oh, no, he's going to blow up the earth. No, he's not. It's still the same fucking hand grenade it was before he walked into the stadium. It's dangerous. Don't get me wrong, but only for the people in the stadium with them. So when we

say, hey, let's evacuate the stadium, the powers that be dismiss us again and say, no, no, he's going to blow up the entire earth. We can't evacuate that. Right. And I almost get where they're coming from. For the lucky majority of the world that doesn't spend large portions of their week combing through evangelical newsletters and Christian news aggregators and true news in the blaze and info wars, I can see how this threat looks like it just sprang out of nowhere, fully formed. All these intellectuals that were ignoring this problem didn't see any of the antecedents. And when we were pointing it out, they dismissed it as meaningless. And then out of nowhere, this unperceived threat seizes control of the federal government or at least two thirds of it. Nobody thought they had the power to do that or nobody with a higher social rank than podcaster, apparently.

And so now they err on the side of caution by wildly overestimating their abilities but the grenade never got any more powerful they just made it to the fucking stadium you know meanwhile we're debating how to save earth itself and the people inside that stadium in this particular analogy they represent vulnerable americans like immigrants gays lesbians, people of color, people of minority religions. They're like, hey, I don't care what you do, but fucking do something. But since we're all outside the stadium, we can afford to worry about the bigger picture. We can, in fact, demand solutions that secure the entire world from the threat of this dude and his hand grenade. We can reject any plan that would save those

people in the stadium right now for a better plan that would save all of us eventually. And that's where we are. That's that tree coming back over the stump and falling back on my stupid ass. We're ignoring the very problem we're here to address because we've lost our goddamn minds and started thinking that maybe since we never thought he'd make it to the stadium to begin with, we were also wrong about his ability to blow up the earth maybe that stadium really does represent some crucial fault line in the entire planet's geology and a perfectly placed explosion would just crack the planet in half and sure it probably won't happen but can we afford to ignore that possibility now look this grenade is gonna up. There are people surrounded by it right now, and they won't all die.

It's a big stadium. The blast is going to be relatively small, but some of them are going to be right next to it when it goes off. And we might take some small comfort that our particular loved ones in the stadium might be spared from the blast. Or maybe we take some comfort from the fact that we just really don't know any of those people in that particular stadium. take some comfort from the fact that we just really don't know any of those people in that particular stadium right we might take some comfort in the fact that at the very least people are finally taking that grenade wielding psychopath seriously but we can't afford this kind of an action we can't wait for the perfect solution that'll save the entire planet while we ignore the very real and immediate danger inside the stadium i mean we've been trying to whip people

into action and instead we whipped them into a frenzy, and in a frenzy, they can't fix the problem. But if there's any solace to take, it's this. A bomb stops being scary after it goes off. It's the threat that gives the psychopath his power. Once he uses it, he's weak. He's vulnerable. He's no longer dangerous, and he knows that. So one way or the other, we all know the threat is going to die.

Some paranoid folks are seriously concerned about the world cracking in half, but we know better. We know that one way or the other, the story ends in that stadium. The only question left is how much we're going to let the people inside it suffer before we bring the story to a close. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the location and location to my location, Heath Enright

and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to get down to business? Okay, I know I've gotten a little bit bigger, but location hurtful, Noah. Come on. If you look into a mirror while you listen to this intro, Eli actually appears behind you with a sippy cup of mango nectar. I'm going to say his name three times.

All right. Well, while we all vomit at the thought of a sippy cup of mango nectar, we'll pause for a quick word from our first sponsor this week, us. What happens when Chuck Norris' son Infowars, the Chinese power grid conspiracy theory, and Christian cinema combine? Godawful Movies, live in Virginia beach, July 27th. I'm sorry, Heath.

Do you have to practice your tuba right now? I'm doing a promo for the live show. Yes. See show notes for ticket information. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, it's officially Pride Month, and we're seeing rainbow flags being raised all over the country in solidarity with the LGBT community.

So, good stuff. But those flags have not been approved by the Trump administration for use at government buildings because they're bigots. But he hugged it. You can't take back a hug. Are you kidding me? For 130 grand, you can take back a full on fuck. Apparently.

Tom wishes. But regardless of what Trump says, California does what the fuck it wants. Hell yeah. So we saw the flag raised last week at their Capitol building. I guess it's kind of like a positive version of the warning about cigarettes being unhealthy. You know, it's known to the state of California that it's Pride Month and that LGBT pride is a good thing. So Governor Gavin Newsom had the rainbow flag raised at the state capitol on Monday for the first time in state history.

Really? And bigots can go fuck themselves. Yes. Which we're going to learn later is actually gay. So the bigots are having a really big meltdown. Spoiler. Pride. The month-long reminder that literally every company except Hobby Lobby and MyPillow fucking hate bigots or like money.

It's unclear. They're one of those things. Mostly the last. Yeah, probably the money thing. But it's pretty amazing that it's finally unclear once in a while. Yeah, right. That's right. Yeah.

So California wasn't the only place where people wanted to support Pride Month. Several U.S. embassies around the world made official requests to fly rainbow flags as well but again the trump administration on behalf of downtrodden christian people all over america rejected those requests arguing that all months matter trump and pence don't want other beautiful months like july and august getting persecuted by this also the colors of red white and blue would be marginalized by all those other colors be a whole lot so they said no your memo comes from mike pence also can y'all choose a word that doesn't have ass in it embassy every time i have to write it i feel dirty i have to bring in mrs

pence she has to write the second S for me. Hey, you know who would have let you fly your little rainbow flag? Hillary, the lesser of two evils, Clinton. That's who. Just a quick reminder. Yep. Yep. Yeah.

So as you might have already guessed, seeing a representation of the visible light spectrum was very triggering for Christian people. So often it is. It very often is. That's true. And that means it's time for another Christian freakout. Anna?

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. So our first freakout comes from professional bigot fundraiser and photo composite of every narrator for propaganda films about the threat of the international Jew, Franklin Graham. He looks like he's always got a Muslim bird in his mouth, but he doesn't want you to know. Right. So in response to all the embassies who, like California, decided to fly the rainbow flag against orders, Graham said the following on Facebook. Quote, the gay pride flag is offensive to Christians and millions of people of other faiths, not only in this country, but around the world. End quote.

And yes, it is. That's what we're saying. That's our point. Yes. They're bigots yeah we would just use the word bigotry because it leaves you a lot more twitter characters but call it whatever you want man and hey bonus it's a great test because if the gay pride flag is offensive to you you should be offended until you die you should be mad all the time and never have joy. That's the fun thing about it. I don't even know how to define it.

Well, be a die of offense. Yeah. Yeah. So the Franklin Graham statement was a beautiful example of, did you hear yourself talking just now? Did you hear it? We can play it back if you want so you can hear it again. So that was fun. It's fun when they get confused by themselves.

So that was fun. It's fun when they get confused by themselves. But by far the best freak out came from Christian Wright, radio host and failed U.S. Senate candidate E.W. Jackson. According to E.W. Jackson, the rainbow I'm not even paraphrasing, by the way. Jackson said exact words, quote, the rainbow flag is no different than the Confederate flag. That's right. I said it and I mean it. It's a flag that represents the interests of a special group and their own. Don't say interests. Their own. It's too late. I'm already in their own interests, not the interests. Their own. It's too late. I'm already in their own interests.

Not the interests of our country. A lot of interests. Is that the problem with the Confederate flag? Apparently that's the problem. That's also true of the flags in flag football, those fucking commies. Right. I mean, they're all the same as long as we stop defining at fabric. And just for the record, Jackson also added, quote, we need to burn every rainbow flag in this nation.

That sounds exhausting. Oh, OK. But not we or me personally or we. But the LGBT community needs to burn it and renounce that mess end quote oh okay then yeah workload off himself yeah i'm not gonna they need it's their they need to burn their stuff their own flag listen to me i and then by the way moments later donald trump came out in favor of jail time and possibly loss of citizenship for burning an american flag and then he called dibs for conservatives on using

freedom of speech and states rights in arguments yeah still i mean come on ew jackson he's got a point i mean who can forget that terrible period in history where gay people kept straight people as slaves hey there slave keep up the work on my pinterest board or you'll get the whip again i don't even understand why you're building this you You're not dating anyone right now. Quiet! You never know when I'll meet the man of my dreams. Now, if you need me, I'll be watching Steven Universe.

Okay, I just want to say, I think you're projecting a lot onto that show. Rebecca Sugar has confirmed a lot of the stuff I think in interviews. Okay. And in NASA news tonight. Oh, that's way more awkward coming out of that skit. I would have liked it to be...

I was like, no, it'll be a good outro from that. Not better. They haven't read ahead in the notes. MAGA with an S. Just everybody is with that. That's what he's going for, guys. Don't listen to him. If you're looking for an asshole this past weekend

and there were none to be found, well, there's a reason for that. They were all in Orlando, Florida. I mean, there's always a big chunk of those people in Orlando, Florida. I feel like that's not a special thing for this week. We're talking about a city that's entirely pastel green

lit by orange neon so yeah fair fair sorry top and daniel tosh hanging out it's not the best place yeah yep no these are these are valid valid valid these are people from orlando i should explain this past week orlando was extra assholey because all the worst people in the world congregated together for a Make America Straight Again conference. Oh, Jesus. In Orlando. For fuck's sake.

During Pride on the weekend of the Pulse shooting memorial. Fuck your face. And listeners, don't get your hopes up based on the intro. Hurricane season doesn't really ramp up until next month, so. Yeah. So, among the attendees were show favorite and cooking can be fun quote provider steven anderson who celebrated the pulse shooting because there were quote 50 less pedophiles in the world end quote he also publicly wished for a button that would kill every homosexual in the world

pin in that old statement of his by the way well and and to be fair here though but like i think florida waycross georgia and the republic of south lacedia are the only places steve anderson is allowed to be at this point so i i get this sad empty passport also in attendance were roger jimenez bruce meha patrick boyle and tommy mcmurdy all of whom also publicly advocated for the death of gay people from the pulpit with mcmurdy adding about the conference quote pray that if they do any protests that it gets violent they have stand your ground in florida so we're allowed to fight back jesus christ i say bring it end quote um which is a weird thing for a guy who looks like season five jesse Pinkman to say.

I just want to throw that out there. It's just like in general, a weird thing to yell at hypothetical gay guys when you're in a rally about how straight you are. Bring it, gay people. Seriously. Seriously, I mean it though. Fun fact, if you're having a rally about how straight you are, you're not. Yeah. Fun fact, if you're having a rally about how straight you are, you're not.

Yeah. So unfortunately for them, a legend, a heroic force known only in song and myth and listener to the podcast, Shay Presley did organize a nonviolent counter protest to the event. And according to the friendly atheist, it just happened to be several times the size of bigot con so you know it turned out to be less of a make america straight again conference and more of a mathematically verifiable demonstration about how much people hate us convention but you know they tried yeah no hem it's a math guy also in terms of that title make america straight again yeah um hate to break it to the bigots but america's been having gay sex this whole time just constantly i mean the founding fathers were doing it they were just elbow deep in each other during those constitutional

conventions for sure yeah we lost several original copies of the constitution because of cum stains i'm quite certain well and just look at florida america's penis it's mexico guys not mexico alexander hamilton was doing guys abe lincoln had a boyfriend read a book uh one last moment i want to share from this whole debacle you remember that quote i brought up about steve anderson wanting a button to kill all the gay people? So there's this video from the event when Steve comes out to like counter protest the giant group of gay people who know he's an idiot for a second.

And of course, he immediately gets surrounded by just a tremendous group of people calling him a sack of shit. And Shay, our listener, who you can see in the video, goes right to camera. I bet you wish you had that button now, don't you, Steve? It's miraculous. Shay Press. Well done. Oh, Steve Anderson completely surrounded by gay people.

Jesus, I've dreamed of that almost as much as he has either way uh just a reminder that that convention was put on tax-free by institutions that uh don't pay taxes with people whose income is tax-free and completely opaque to the government so you know maybe make those people pay taxes i guess is the lesson i learned yeah just all the people what about that everyone including religious people and amazon yeah all right okay and in fact destroy the economy with your madness be nice to me pesos i was just making a joke we were just getting around we were just getting around i'm trying to get a one-day delivery maybe we talk about this on the next show just fucking

with you man and in vax fifth avenue news tonight new york finally got its shit together and formally ended their policy of having measles as recently as episode 330 vaccines remained optional for new york school children whose parents had the choice of giving both their children and their children's classmates fully preventable and potentially fatal diseases if they feared the retribution of a deity who's obviously a big fan of diseases and despite people saying I don't want my kids not to have measles really loud for months the state senate decided just to remove the exemption and not to take those people's children away, too. They also ignored my amazing suggestion of locking them all in a biodome and letting the rest of us put on hazmat suits and shoot them with blowgun vaccine syringes. And that'd be an amazing theme park that would raise a bunch of money for the state.

I'm just saying it's the least dangerous game. It'd be delightful. Yeah. Heath's afraid to say it but i will because i'm strong and brave orthodox jews easy to hunt there i said it not what i meant i meant like slow safety it's like a safe game because we would be vaccinating go ahead also based on my prior experience talking to heath he's not afraid to say i'm saying stay away from the fence. All right. So the backdrop of this story is, of course, the worst measles outbreak in the U.S. in decades, largely centered around Orthodox Jewish communities who believe that vaccinating their children is every bit as sacrilegious as like pushing buttons on Saturday or carrying keys outdoors without a magic string encompassing the neighborhood. So this controversy pitted that viewpoint against children dying less and having fewer diseases.

And it was a very narrow victory for living children. Eventually, we weighed those things. Yep. Yeah. We just had to explain that we weren't also going to nuke Israel. So, I mean, I can see why it seemed like those things were connected, but they weren't. So there you go. We're not doing that. Israel has the hydrogen bomb has been standing in the corner of the subway yelling at its reflection since the 40s. I mean, nobody's nuking Israel. Keep trying to tell you guys.

And look, I know that I don't have to convince our audience that vaccines are safer than measles because if anybody is listening to that that doesn't already know this i'm going to train a bear to fuck them in the head but it's important that we also recognize just how fucking dangerous measles can be right like i know the medical facilities in the congo aren't a good one-on-one comparison with the U.S. They're pretty close to universal coverage after all. But the DRC just declared a health emergency after their 1500th measles death this year. You said death, right? Death.

Cool. Like guys are being taken off of the Ebola team to work on measles. And we're getting it on purpose because nobody wants to argue with Orthodox fucking Jews. Except for other Orthodox Jews. That's what we need. We need a ragtag team of Orthodox Jews. Where's Agent Emmis when you need him? We need a room full of people with measles.

Nope. Nope. Sharon, I know you're listening. And next up in headlines christian right talking head former u.s senator and joel osteen's histamine double rick made headlines this week as part of his latest attempt to be known for anything besides his last name becoming synonymous with the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that sometimes gets created by butt sex. But regardless, Santorum was part of the team that just launched something called Cathio.

And it's kind of like the new Catholic Bitcoin and PayPal all together. Because if there's anything cryptocurrency knows, it's child pornography. I might get some just to pay for an abortion with it, you know, just to have that story. Dude, dude, dude, dude, guess what I did with your thing? This is fun. You're going to laugh. So one of the major criticisms of digital cryptocurrency like bitcoin just in general

is that its value has no basis in a tangible thing but when compared to the normal exchange you get for tithing at a church a string of zeros and ones is extremely tangible that's a step up there that's a real thing in reality so this makes perfect sense when the consumer is already on board with you know buying future mystery box that you get after death this is way cooler than that and it's also perfect for the producer as it turns out who owes approximately infinity dollars to rape victims and want something other than direct donation of dollars to work with. So it's no surprise that Rick Santorum and the Catholic Church created a digital version of Nazi gold. So honestly, digital version of Nazi gold is way too honest to pitch for Bitcoin.

All right. So here's the Cathio business plan from Dickie Sands, who's one of their board members. And listen, as he actually ages about 30 years during this one sentence, you'll hear it happen. Quote, millennials don't carry cash. They date on apps and they watch on demand entertainment. They read the Roanoke Review on electrified paper. Draw me a picture of what you think they date on apps means, Rick. Please, pretty please. I will lick anything if you will.

And continuing the quote, we have to provide a universal solution that makes it easy for younger generations to engage with the church, end quote. And considering their history of engaging with younger generations, they could have invented literally anything that doesn't sexually assault you, and that would be a giant improvement. It would be. Actually, they could have invented a sodomy robot for kids, and as long as they didn't also invent a cryptocurrency that helps them hide money from victims. And they made it worse.

They made it worse. Well, great. Now you've spoiled their big reveal at the Catholic Developers Conference later this year. It's going to be a sad, sad day at E3 to 7. And in just an asshole news tonight, if you stretch your mind way, way back to ye old days of 2015, you might remember the name Craig Stephen Hicks,

a worthless piece of shit who murdered three people over a parking space in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. You might also remember this worthless piece of shit also being an atheist. And since the victims were Muslim, every media outlet in the fucking universe assumed it was one of those atheist hate crimes you hear about so often and demanded apologies from everyone who didn't believe in God publicly post haste. Yep. Yeah.

Which is weird because nobody mentioned the obvious solution of arming all Muslim Americans with AR-15s to make sure there's plenty of good guys with guns to deal with all the evil atheists. I don't understand why that didn't happen. Now I should point out that Noah did an awesome diatribe on how fucking stupid this was at the time. So I don't want to get into the arguments. But I wanted to revisit the story because one, this week's Hicks was sentenced to three life sentences and good riddance.

And B, I wanted to cover this because they showed video of the shooting at the trial where he very clearly murdered someone over a parking space. Right. someone over a parking space. Right. Either that or it was one of those brilliant double bluffs where you talk about a parking space right before you murder someone when you don't know you're being recorded to extra plus good hide your Islamophobia. Maybe he was doing that. Yeah. So point being, we have to be able to murder people for bad parking without it turning into an issue about religion. That's not sensible.

Finally, tonight in been a while's news, founder of True News and man whose Wikipedia articles first three adjectives are American, racist and anti-Semitic. Rick Wiles made his way back into the news this week. And you know what? Good for him. Wiles made his way back into the news this week. And you know what? Good for him. A lot of atheist pundits were writing him off with young blood like Matt Powell nipping at his heels and people like Steve Anderson getting kicked out of more countries than Wiles has ever even been to.

But apparently he's staging a little comeback. Cut to a montage of Rick Wiles chasing around a Jewish chicken swearing at us. Now, if you're a longtime listener, you might remember Rick Wiles from episode 78, where we covered his full-throated endorsement of Ebola as long as abortionists and atheists get some too. Or maybe episode 122, where he warned of a Russian invasion that would be triggered by all the gay fucking. Or 157, where he accused Obama of killing Scalia. I mean, that one's at least partially true. We're not talking about that. where he accused Obama of killing Scalia. I mean, that one's at least partially true.

We're not talking about that. Or 221, where he accused a poker-playing computer of being Satan's brain. Or maybe episode 245, where he blamed the Mandalay Bay shooting on gay Nazis and emphasized the gay part. But since then, I got to be honest, we haven't heard much from him. Or at least I should say, we haven't heard as much from him. True news comes to his cabin in the woods. I gave up that life. Rick, we need someone to blame the Jews slash Satan slash homosexuality for something totally normal.

And you're the best goddamn man for the job. All right. So having already warned us about the evils of abortion, atheism, gayness, Russia, Obama, homosexuality, artificial intelligence, intelligence, being gay, having sex with people of the same gender and gay Nazis. What might spur Wiles back into action? Eli's diet. Interesting. Of gayness? No.

What? Yeah, that I would have expected. Janus? No. What? Yeah, that I would have expected. But no, Wiles warned True News viewers last week about the dangers of vegetable-based hamburgers, which threaten the cattle industry, diminish the availability of feedstock, and, of course, steal away the souls of the consumer and trap them in the fiery bonds of hell.

Eating vegetables is cool, but I swear to fucking God, if you form that stuff into a puck shape, I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. That is a weird line in the sand. It is. He didn't ever mention vegetables before, did he? If it is a weird line in the sand, it's one that Noah has screamed at multiple waiters in front of me.

That's all I'm going to say. Okay, I have never screamed at a waiter that eating vegetables is cool. All right, so before you scoff or after or while even, I should explain his reasoning. You know how when you eat dead animals, it reinforces the Christianity in your DNA? The Christianity in your DNA, yep. Yeah, well, therein lies the problem because if you don't eat Jesus-reinforcing animal flesh, your DNA will get too slippery. Slippery, yep.

And Christianity can't stick anymore. It'll slide right off, yeah. Yeah. Wiles explains, quote, They change the DNA of humans so it will be impossible for a human to be born again. They want to create a race of soulless creatures on this planet. End quote.

Just Satan sprinkling a little beet juice into a patty. And now we wait. I didn't even think of the it makes you less Christian angle to try to turn Noah vegan. Maybe that's my shot. That's really on you. Yeah. Now, I want to be super clear here. We're all big fans of meatless meat here on the show.

Eli's a vegan who hasn't known flavor since the last time Heath knew love. Heath is a big fan of anything with edibility. And I'm a big fan of ways to mock God's perfection that give me an excuse to read back over old Rick Wilde stories. So while we revel in the bounties of science, I guess we can close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Vaccine nectar! And when we come back, it'll be time for a good old-fashioned Hea Culpa. Hi, I'm Heath Enright. And I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm a bald guy by choice. And I'm not. My hair is fine.

No, get out of the sketch! No, you're not in the sketch, you have hair. Fine, jeez. Sorry. So, 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. And once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late. So maybe you shave your head and that looks great. That's an option.

Or maybe it doesn't look so great. Like you try it. Heath has it. And then you look real sick when you do it. Everyone says that on Facebook. You do look really sick. real sick when you do it. Everyone says that on Facebook. Look really sick. Yes. When you do that.

Yep. Like super duper sick. So that's why there's four hymns.com a one-stop shop for hair loss, skincare, and sexual wellness for men. Hims provides licensed physicians and prescription solutions backed by science. Just answer a few quick questions, a doctor reviews your case,

and if they determine it's right for you, they can prescribe you medication to treat hair loss that's shipped directly to your door. And if you'd like to get started... No, you're not in this! Get out of here! And if you'd like to order now, our listeners can get the HIMSS Complete Hair Kit for just $5 today. Right now, while supplies last and subject to doctor's approval.

See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy somewhere else. So go to 4himss.com slash scathing. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash scathing. 4himss.com slash scathing. 4hymns.com slash scathing. Because not everyone looks good bald. That's right. I mean, Eli specifically.

He does. I do. Yep. Here on The Scathing Atheist, we pride ourselves on being precise and thorough. Our show comes out at the exact same time on the same day every week. It's always exactly 60 minutes long. And when we do a charity fundraiser where we promise to do on-air insults for everybody who donates, we get to every single one of them.

Except, this part is important, when a member of our crew who will remain nameless not it not it it sets aside nearly a hundred of them in a separate file that he marks nothing but end puts in a random folder and then forgets about it for several months i said sorry i know but it it doesn't count when you say that before you tell me what it is that you did. Why was it end? I don't understand. Because we're going to do them at the end. At the end.

I know. Why wasn't it in the same folder as every other podcast? The same folder would have made it. Wow. Anyway. Just so many things. I was going to organize. Could have been done differently.

With a lot of apologies to those of you who have been patiently waiting for months to hear the insults that you paid for last year. And with promises to insult the shit out of these people, like maybe a little extra. We're pleased to present almost all of the remaining insults. There are actually too many to get in one show. Guys, are you ready? I have a lot of Scaramucci jokes, but I guess I'll just skip those. All right. ready i have a lot of scaramucci jokes but i guess i'll just skip those all right so first up we've got a roast from mark's uncle cameron who enjoys calling obama the most racist person in america and calling other people libtards wow yeah okay uncle cameron looks like he just got done talking

to the manager at a bait and tackle shop after not catching any fish. Like picture a volunteer security guard at a strip mall and he's doing air karate at, you know, the actual security guard. Whose job it is to make him leave the dollar general, but he won't leave the dollar general. Yeah, that's Uncle Cameron. You pictured it correctly. He looks like if trump had cartoon henchmen like seriously he looks exactly like a minion who's orange instead of yellow yeah holy shit does he he's the stand by me finish of the minions

all right so i'll take gerald'sscratching co-worker who sure thinks the whites have it tough in America and who Gerald sent us a picture of no shit scratching his balls. He did. I mean, his hands in his pocket, but clearly he's scratching. Anyway, so first of all, dude, your wardrobe looks like a fundamentalist going undercover as the gays. And secondly, I get it.

Like if I had my hands on your dick as often as you do, I'd wish it was black too, but don't blame the race, right? Blame the fact that even with every possible advantage afforded to you by society, you still can't be better than lukewarm shit. All right. So Eli,

uh, Brian needs a roast for his best friend, John. All right. John is too good looking hear me out he is irritatingly good looking like john john's the kind of guy who takes you shopping because you've outfatted yet another pair of pants and he just keeps trying on and looking amazing and everything while he waits for you plus he's vegan which you feel like you could make fun of but then he just laugh warmly with his eyes and say something about kindness and all of a sudden you feel like a shit goblin with bacon hanging out of your mouth fuck you john

fuck i hope you overdose on the free molly taylor swift offers you if you let her blow you i don't feel like he was extra insulted all right heath i've got one for you maris needs a roast of her ex-husband hank who fancies himself an old-timey hobo poet jesus christ hank is rough okay uh dude hank you look like the spokesmodel for Casper's new line of my friend's couches. Clearly what you've been doing. And I'm not sure how well those poetry readings are going to go, considering the audience is going to hear nothing but loud whistling through the expansive gaps in your tooth. You look like a medieval peasant.

It's insane. It's really weird. And I guess whatever those other things are, I don't know, I wouldn't say teeth. His mouth looks like a blind kid made Stonehenge out of broken Legos. Teeth situation.

Alright, Eli, I got a challenge for you. Jonathan would like a roast of his aunt, but he did not include a picture because she's his mom's identical twin. So do what you will with his message. All right, Jonathan, I got to tell you, it's hard to roast your mom's twin. I mean, look on the bright side. Your mom has had a walking, talking faces of meth advertisement right next to her her whole life.

Whenever mom's been down, she thought, oh oh yeah, I don't smell like cat shit. Whenever she was worried if she'd compromised, she thought to herself, well, at least I don't stand outside of abortion clinics protesting my own rights. So I say, let's not roast her. Let's raise a glass of boxed wine to Jonathan's answer. Not just a shitty human,

but so shitty by comparison that she made another person awesome. Well, there you go. And Noah, Dave needs a roast for his co-worker and his co-worker's wife, James and Cindy. Oh, Dave, you asshole. So, okay, so he sent me a picture and it's their wedding photo. He wanted me to know that this is literally the best either of them is capable of looking. And I know what you want here, Dave.

I know you want me to make jokes about how fat they are. I'm not going to do it. But I am going to make jokes about how little of that blueberry juice Willy Wonka managed to squeeze out of these guys. Because, holy shit, watching these two fuck would be like watching a tall pile of laundry collapse in slow motion. Yeah. I mean, I know they say all brides are beautiful, but I now have photographic proof that at least one bride looks like someone's first try at a Roseanne bar themed cake topper.

All right, fellas, it's time for a challenge. Take your kid gloves off. Honestly, Eli, if you could just take off all the children's clothing you're wearing, that would be great. No. Okay, well, I tried. Heath, I got a special request for you. Four in a row here. Charlie, Ripley, Rosie, and Nellie.

Okay, it's going to be dogs, right? Are they dogs again? Indeed, they are. God damn it no come on okay also by the way there's no reason to point this out but rosie and nelly's owner daniel thinks your name is keith all right here you go can you um i'll do it do it yeah i'm gonna no i'm not doing all i'll do two out of four of the dogs you guys can chip in for a couple no that's fair that's fair okay start us off with christina's, Charlie, who likes to eat yarn and have colorful shits. Christina's boyfriend describes Charlie

as, quote, incredibly incontinent. Eli, did you just eat some yarn? Did you just eat yarn just now? Sorry, I just want to spice it up a little. I'm just saying, incredibly incontinent. It's not usually a contest, i'm just saying it's like

whatever okay so first of all charlie looks like he's rejecting the big toe and small penis that are being offered to him by the person not quite out of the camera frame did you guys see this it's a it's a weird use of mise en scene christina i'm just saying. Maybe Charlie wouldn't shit on the floor so much if he wasn't being sexually confused by all the human toes and penises just strewn about your living space haphazardly. I quit the dog roasting. This is not his fault. Keith, this is

for charity. Come on. Fine. Fine. Alright. So, Charlie has a bow tie and also apparently a stream of uncontrollable shit coming out of him. So, Charlie has a bow tie and also apparently a stream of uncontrollable shit coming out of him. So, he definitely looks like the mascot for Tucker Carlson. Oh, shit. Does this mean I get Ripley?

Like the only one of these dogs that's larger than a nipple and has any redeeming qualities? Fuck. All right. Hey, Ripley, you are not a good boy also i got a tennis ball right now and fuck you if you think you can have it no no i didn't throw it you just think i did bitch okay uh that means i have to do rosie right oh well that's okay so rosie is the only dog i've ever seen with a thousand yard stare right Right. Daniel, or as we call him on the show, Canyol mentioned that she saved the entire family from a fire.

But based on the way her eyes look, I feel like he's leaving out some backdraft-esque consequences that took place along the way. She looks like Daniel comes home some nights and she's just flicking a Zippo in the dark. I guess what I'm saying is that this is her tennis ball. There are many like it, but this one is hers.

All right. So I'm next with the other one of Canyons dogs. All right. But okay, you know what? I'm switching it up. I was actually given the option of sparing Nelly, the other amazing doggo, and roasting Wells Fargo

instead because Wells Fargo locked Canyal's account after he tried to donate to Modest Needs. What? Which is the most American banky thing that's ever happened. And based on past behavior, I'm guessing that Wells Fargo started up their own fundraiser on modest needs at that point and then created a fucking Russian nesting doll of new accounts for Daniel that he didn't want and then invested his money in for profit prisons and then probably charged him account service fees equal to his profit plus a little bit extra. Yeah. And and then they fired all the women in the company both of them yes two ladies looking for work right there all right uh and eli i've got another vegan for you uh but this one is a trump supporter who needs a roasting thanks to erica oh okay so this

is steve um and at the time of this message, Steve ran a bike taxi business out of their house. So he's probably dead now. Nobody but yourself to blame for what's happening now. Hi, Steve. If you're listening from, you know, the unemployment line slash grave. Quick update. Your dog isn't vegan because your dog doesn't have fucking a moral landscape your dog's also a rapist and a murderer steve if you haven't noticed but if he could make moral arguments or understand morality

the first thing he would tell you is hey steve stop trying to sell molly to teenagers you're 40 and give me some fucking meat because that's how my digestive system works you screech mugshot looking motherfucker. Screech stabbed a guy. He did. Probably Steve. That's such a weird story that guy has to tell. Alright, you know Saved by the Bell?

Don't say a happy thing because it's going to get weird. Alright, Noah, I got one with your name on it. Rachel would like a roast for writer, director, actor, caterer, architect, real estate agent, clean energy enthusiast slash Hollywood outsider, Neil Breen. Wow.

Yeah, I wanted to be the first to get to this, but his IMDB profile beat me to the roasting. It basically describes him as the aspiring birdemic guy. That's what he wants. Apparently he writes, directs, finances, and edits, and stars in all of his own movies in which he plays a mullet that hasn't gotten the message

yet. He looks like all the embarrassing yearbook photos were somehow amalgamated into a single image. Alright, gentlemen, with that out of the way it's time for another spightning round and since eli's the reason we're here today i'd like you to roast the following folks by telling us how they're similar to eli dying dying wait wait for the names but i like your attitude okay okay jennifer's in-laws dying okay they're also true uh jennifer's in-laws are like me in that they look like they're always about to take their

tops off and suggest that we make this party a little more fun. All right. How about Genevieve's ex-professor? Wow. He is evil. He looks so evil that he actually, he has to actively block himself from finger steepling he's doing that in the shot using his own hands like like dr strange love trying not to do a sieg heil salute and i'm guessing this isn't the first time he's been called dr strange love considering he wrote a

psychology book called effective techniques for dealing with highly resistant clients. That's a real thing. That's great. Stop resisting. Yeah. All right, Eli, how is Emily's boyfriend, Matthew, like you? Oh, Emily wrote us this super sweet email about what a great guy Matthew is. So it's hard to roast. But let's see.

Both Matthew and myself are hoping Emily doesn't regain her eyesight and realize he looks like Guy Fieri's strict stepdad. All right. And Esteban wanted a roast of himself. All right. Well, Esteban's picture looks like he's clearly listening to Limp Bizkit and doing

like an emphatic series of hand movements to show everyone just how well he knows the incomparable beats and genius lyrics of the warrior poet Fred Durst. I'm quite certain he uses that phrasing sometimes. Nobody knows what it's like. All right. And last but not least, I'll take Heather's dad because I read the assignment. Heather's dad is like Eli because they both forgot about Heather and her needs as a human being. But the difference is that eventually

Eli remembered he had this file when people started writing in about it. He might have you in a file, Heather. See, just put it in the wrong folder. All right, excellent work, gentlemen. Next up, let's get to some roasts with some character. Eli, are a few of your personalities

up for the challenge? Oh, you know you know we are all right how about a roast for tiffany's sister and brother in law okay um hi i'm tony d from tony d's house of soulless meat puppets are you looking for two people whose empty nothingness eyes bore through you with their lack of total imagination and joy even from a computer screen. Well, then come on down to Tiffany's sister and brother-in-law. They've got uninformed homophobia. That's it.

That is what will define them. And they're all existence. Tiffany's sister and brother-in-law. They only care because they're probably a little gay. All right. So Heath, what is Sarah Huckabee Sanders have to say about Tim's classmate? All right, all right. So, you know how I always had trouble dating because my sunny disposition would get clouded by my extremely violent hugging and my constant fixation on the alpha beta power dynamic and also my aggressive unsolicited guitar serenades yeah i didn't have a follow-up

i'm tim's classmate by the way it's me he was i was in his class alpha the fuck out of him and his friends there you go all right twists all right noah uh that leaves listeners wondering what inside out little girl thinks of kyle's old friend tate oh this picture is amazing oh hello there tate my eyes are on the inside of my head so i can't see you but even my internal nostrils can only mask the patchouli smell by so much. Now, from what your friend Kyle tells me, you literally failed as an internet troll. Not sure how much more insult can really exist, but given your proclivity for homeopathic, herbal-infused, holistic, chakric energy-based feel-a-puncture, I would certainly say I wouldn't

want to trade medical situations with you and only have to push my lungs out of the way to pee. Alright, back to you, Heath. I need a roast for Adam's co-worker, a teacher who insists on misgendering his trans students. And I think Alma should do the deed. You're not my real dad.

Go off! Is the sentence that describes you as a human being. You budget Jordan Peterson bridge troll. Spent that entire budget on neckbeard stuff. Gah! Ask me a riddle. Neckbeard. Gah!

Gross. And finally, Eli, and by that I don't mean that this is the last roast, I just mean that this is the first time Eli wrote finally. And finally, Eli, and by that, I don't mean that this is the last roast. I just mean that this is the first time Eli wrote finally. And finally, Eli, how about Melania Trump teach Jared's ex friend Paige a thing or two? Oh, oh, hey, Peg. You look Greg, baby. Well, no, Greg, you look like the beginning of a slash show about child actors who got arrested.

beginning of a slash show about child actors who got arrested. But I like your personality, baby. A bang on a friendship because Jared doesn't believe in gauche or whatever. That's gonna go Greg. Take it from me, babe. Don't let me. We're definitely not gonna die without anybody who

truly cares for you because people can instantly tell that you only value people for the purposes they serve you. it's gonna go great all right fantastic okay we still got plenty of names to get to so we're going to be doing at least one more of these but before we do this last one i want to give a little background on our final roast so julia wrote in to ask for a roast of her friend george and it was a weird email because she clearly didn't want us to hate ge George at the end of it but every story she tells about him makes him sound like a total asshole

and then she'll try to clean it up by making it worse she'll be like well you know he sexually harassed me when we first met but don't worry he also nagged me about the size of my nose right or like he beat the crap out of me once while we were on acid but don't worry he laughed about it later George what the okay so that bizarre he laughed he left you know right we laugh about it now he makes me all right so that bizarre description led some of our cast to believe that juliet might have a bit of a crush on george and wanted to do kind of like an opposite roast which if they were assuming wrong would just negate the whole point of having him roasted and embarrass Juliet without her permission so with that in mind we're going to offer up three

roasts of varying levels of romantic interest and she can tell George later which one of them she meant I'll start okay so imagine a sweatband around a forehead and matching sweatbands around the wrists the dude connecting them that you're picturing is George. Yep. You did it. You did it. Yeah.

He's community theater. The guy right now, I'd make a joke or two about how his hairline is receding fast enough to embarrass the French army. But this is an old roast. So I kind of doubt hair is still an issue for him. Get out of the roast. You're not in the roast. Get out of the roast now.

All right. So I'm doing what? Like a halfway roast? Yeah, halfway between crush and no crush. Hey, George, you look extra medium. You look like Juliet loves spending time with you.

But not lots of time, like a moderate amount of time it's it's probably safe to assume your penis is marginally adequate and sex with you would be amazingly normal just amazingly normal sex a nice 50th percentile you're like that nice fat middle of the bell curve was a person congratulations all right and then uh i get to advocate for romance and love uh hey george uh take it from your literal ghost of christmas future um ask juliet out on a date if she wants you to and isn't dating someone else by now because this is really old so i feel like she probably already and isn't dating someone else by now, because this is really old. So I feel like she probably already is.

Isn't she, George? Someone like really nice and vanilla named Brian or something who's just got just nothing going on. But he jumped on that shit before you, didn't he, George? Because you blew it. So now you got to watch him forget her favorite flower and her birthday and shit from the sidelines. And you, you get to play the creepy uncle forever in the local production of Guys and Dolls and Sweeney Todd.

You look like the character Max Landis warns people about. My advice? I mean, if you have successful friends who will make you a third of your business, jump on that. But really, my advice is don't object at her wedding. That shit is going to be awkward, George. Believe me. Believe me. All right.

So on whatever note Juliet decides that will be, we're going to break from roasting and get back to punching Eli on the leg. But stay tuned for more Vulgarity for Charity. Ow! Wait, wait till the mics are off no ow that wasn't his leg it was it was close to his leg very close before we get accused of loitering in your feed i want to remind our patrons that if you missed our pajama party live stream at the beginning of the month you can still check it out the entire thing is on video and you'll find a link to that video on the patreon feed so if you missed our pajama party live stream at the beginning of the month, you can still check it out. The entire thing is on video and you'll find

a link to that video on the Patreon feed. So if you want to spend five hours hanging out with us, you're very much invited. If you're a patron, everybody else is free to form a line outside. We'll let people in eventually. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptic Ride, debuting

at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our sister show the skeptic ride debuting at 7 a.m eastern time on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i can't cue the music until i thank keith henry for having the confidence it takes to blame you for not getting his name pun i need to thank eli bosnick for playing along when we pretend his name's a pun too i also want to thank the lovely and talented lucinda illusions who was unable to join us today she's busy taking care of her dad down in florida this week but she'll be back next week.

I also want to thank friend of the show, Texan YouTuber, filmmaker, assistant state director, treasurer, and Texan Susan for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you'd like to check out Divine Disbelief, by the way, you will find it linked on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most formidable filthy monkey spawn, Lawrence Reese, Jeremy Carroll, James Mark, Simon, Tyler, Miguel,

Jeff, Brandon, Kyle, Matt, Daniel, Jacob, and Theodore. Lawrence, Reese, Jeremy, Carol, James, and Mark, whose intellects are so vast they've been featured as the Hubble Image of the Week. Simon, Tyler, Miguel, Jeff, and Brandon, who are hot enough to set off the sprinklers. And Kyle, Matt, Daniel, Jacob, and Theodore, whose erections are so legendary that roosters sing about drawing them every morning. Together, these 16 salacious soulless secularists secure the sustainability of our sacrilege this week by giving us money not everybody has the superior qualities it takes to give us money but if you do you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingadeus.com

and if you'd like to help but not in a money-giving kind of way reviews help us a ton right they help us get noticed they help move us up in the rankings they help us find new listeners and when they're done right they stroke the fuck out of our egos so if you want to do that you can do that legal services for this podcast are provided by the law office is a p andrew torres tim robinson handles all social media and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com. All right.

Whenever I liked your shave head. I ejaculate prematurely. I can be in the sketch. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2019, all rights reserved.