The Scathing Atheist - 332: Blatant Big Cross Edition

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

In this week’s episode, 70% of people who say they aren’t gay anymore say they aren’t gay anymore, Jerry Falwell Jr. files a copyright claim against The Sound and the Fury: The Soap Opera for stealing his life story, and Joseph Smith will agree with Moses about how great Joseph Smith is. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Andrew here: https://openargs.com/ --- Headlines: Bladensburg Cross decision: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/20/heres-how-atheists-are-reacting-to-the-supreme-courts-bladensburg-cross-ruling/ Science Journal Retracts Paper That Said Gay Conversion Therapy Works: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/22/science-journal-retracts-paper-that-said-gay-conversion-therapy-works/ Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s “Pool Boy” Scandal May Explain His Endorsement of Trump: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/20/jerry-falwell-jr-s-pool-boy-scandal-may-explain-his-endorsement-of-trump/ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/18/us/trump-falwell-endorsement-michael-cohen.html Jim Bakker: If Donald Trump Doesn’t Win in 2020, Christians Will “Suddenly Die”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/22/jim-bakker-if-donald-trump-doesnt-win-in-2020-christians-will-suddenly-die/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Vatican cancels women’s soccer match because of pro choice protest: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/24/vatican-cancels-womens-soccer-game-due-to-opponents-pro-choice-protest/ Christian moms stop Kit Kat from advertising with dicks: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/25/christian-moms-group-takes-credit-for-stopping-kit-kat-male-genitalia-ad/

Warning, the following podcast contains references to the body parts we're supposed to pretend don't exist in polite company. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com. And by Canadian Real Estate. It's cheap, weed's legal, and they don't have Donald Trump. Canadian Real Estate. Because the glaciers are leaving anyway. And now, The Scathing Atheist. leaving anyway. And now, the scathing atheist. Wes, your mother has told me you're not cleaning your room because it interfered with your method of getting good marks in anthropology?

That's right. You see, I'm using method acting to understand the mindset of our ancestors. You mean because we evolved from filthy monkey men, you're not cleaning your room? Exactly. Man, I thought explaining this to you would be much more difficult, like the time I had to explain to you that Tinky Winky was gay. It's Thursday. It's June 27th. And it's decided to be married day. Yep, still married.

Me too. I hate you guys. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jill Biden's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, 70% of people who say they aren't gay anymore say they aren't gay anymore. Jerry Falwell Jr. files a copyright claim against the Sound and the Fury the Soap Opera for stealing his life story. And Joseph Smith will agree with Moses about how great Joseph Smith is. But first, the diatribe. I found myself in the awkward position last weekend of defending the inherent goodness of the human race to a bunch of people bound to prove me wrong with both word and action. It's just the inherent risk you face in that argument, right?

If you start winning an argument about how people are generally good, the person losing to you can always just piss on your leg and gain some ground. So let me back up a little here. I'm not sure the exact number of family get togethers you can beg off of before you become an asshole, but I know that I'm close. Right. So when Lucinda tells me her sister's having a cookout on Sunday afternoon, I say to myself, hey, you know, I don't have any diatribe ideas for this week. This will help. First place I go is to the backyard where my Trump loving brother-in-law is cooking bratwurst. That's promising. It's a solid 2000 degrees out. He's a big fellow. You can imagine how pleasant his aroma is at this moment.

So I light up a smoke. I say, hey, man, how you doing? And he says, and I quote, just frustrated by all these idiots who think this country needs socialism. That is his opening conversational gambit. That's to hear him tell it what he was thinking about as he was prodigiously sweating over those sausages that he was going to try to talk me into eating later, I guess. So, you know, I say, what kind of socialism are we talking about here? We're talking about Leninism, collectivism, anarcho-syndicalism, because that'll make him shut up. And it worked worked so i aggressively finished my cigarette i head back inside where the conversation is no less inane but at least it's happening under

air conditioning right my sister-in-law's very catholic neighbors are there they're lamenting about how awful the world's become and to hear them tell it folks around these days are more likely to rip out your eyes and use them for ball bearings than they are to help you when you stumble and i hear a solid second of this conversation and think to myself, there's a diatribe waiting to happen. So I insert myself into the conversation, jump on my phone, I grab a few quick stats about how much lower the rates of murder, armed robbery, theft, burglary, et cetera, are now than they were in that mythical great again before time that they were pining for and at the end i i cite all these

statistics and i say something conciliatory afterwards about how you know like now i can see why the perception is that these things have gotten a lot worse but as it turns out that turned out to be a wildly insufficient olive branch in this circumstance after all i had just had the temerity to suggest that the world isn't on the verge of wholesale cannibalism. And damn it, if I wouldn't answer for that crime. Now, because I had used statistics from a reputable source that I cited in the moment, my neighbor husband, we'll call him Clyde, figures that he also needs some numbers for his argument. So he informs me that in his experience, which is many decades longer than my own to about 90 percent of people are only worried about how you can benefit them and wouldn't do a damn thing for anybody else. And there are a precious 10 percent who will do good for others with no reward for themselves.

So I pointed out that by his math, something like 13 people at that cookout would cut his heart out for the meat if it was in their interest. But as it turned out, we just happened to be in one of those wild statistical anomalies where all 15 of us were in that 10%. And I guess that's just bound to happen about once in every 100 million trillion times that 15 people get together by his math. But he was insistent on using personal experience. So I offered some of that up in vain as well. I said, look, man, I'm not saying there aren't bad people in the world.

I'm sure there are. I'm saying I'm 42 years old. I've lived all over this country and I've still never met one. Now, strictly speaking, that isn't exactly true because I did a charity gig in Manhattan once where I met Donald Trump, but I don't think noting that exception would have gone over well in that crowd, so I left it out. Now, as is always the case in conversations like this in large groups,

as soon as the guy with the most popular opinion is both frustrated and losing, the food is suddenly so close to ready that it requires that person's help. So before Clyde could go all yelly, he was summoned outside to help with the communist sausages. losing the food is suddenly so close to ready that it requires that person's help right so before Clyde could go all yelly he was summoned outside to help with the communist sausages my brother-in-law was burning but I want to be clear he was on his way to yelly we were probably less than a minute away from him yelling at me for suggesting that humans generally speaking don't want to rape and murder one another. Now, it seems like a weird thing to get pissed about unless, of course, you consider the extent to which Clyde is religious, right? If being generally moral is the default setting on humanity, his religion serves no purpose.

I mean, he's a Catholic, so kid rape, but no ethical purpose. Hell, Americans are less religious than they were when he was a young buck. So how the hell could we be more moral? It doesn't matter what statistics I can bring to bear. Doesn't matter how definitive my arguments are. Humans have to be sinful. They have to be fallen. And not just because it gives God an excuse to exist. He also has a full on tortured dimension. And if people are by and large good, he's got no good reason to burn him in hell for eternity i mean not that there's a level of bad they could reach where he would have such a reason but even the thin veil of motivated rationality they've thrown over hell dissolves

when we accept the obvious truth that most people hell almost all people would sacrifice in a heartbeat for a person they've never met i guess that's just another one of the great perks of atheism, right? We're allowed to see the good in everyone. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the vest and jacket to my pants, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to suit up?

It's not called a gimp onesie, Noah. Way ahead of you. Okay, that's not a onesie. You're just a naked guy in a very small vest. Thank you. That's what that is. And you got that apple stuck in your mouth trying to eat it. That's unrelated.

It just felt like together. It sort of came together. In our lead story tonight, the U.Ss judicial system was tasked with deciding whether a 40-foot latin cross made out of stone was a christian symbol so of course it got kicked all the way up to the supreme court because you know that's a tough one and they ultimately ruled as near as i can tell that they're not super sure so wow yeah no that's honestly as close as i can come to

summarizing us so joining us to talk more about this story is the host of the opening arguments podcast friend of the show and still our favorite atheist lawyer named andrew andrew torres andrew thanks for stopping by man well noah a thanks for having me and b B, I will tell Andrew Seidel that shots have been fired. But I'm glad that I'm still on top. All right. So normally I have you on because I feel obviously, you know, you're a lawyer. You have a lot of credentials here. You have a lot of knowledge that you bring to the table.

And you're really good at explaining it to the audience. So even if I kind of feel like I've got my head around a decision, I'd still I still like to have you on to fill in some of the blanks for us. But in this instance, I really kind of don't know what the hell just happened, but I'm scared anyway. Well, A, I think fear is an entirely appropriate response. And B, the fact that you don't know what the Supreme Court decided is, I think, entirely understandable because I think the Supreme Court doesn't know exactly what it decided. So, you know, you're at least in, I would say you're in good company, but you're in, you know, two ninths of good company. Right, right. At least I got to the right answer. Yeah, exactly. All right. So least I got to the right answer. Yeah, exactly.

All right. So can you give us the setup here? What exactly was being adjudicated in this case? Yeah, this is an incredibly simple, straightforward case that at no point in our nation's history should have come before the United States Supreme Court. Here's what we have. have come before the United States Supreme Court. Here's what we have. We have a gargantuan cement 32-foot Latin cross on public land in Bladensburg, Maryland, which incidentally is not too far from me. I've actually driven past this monstrosity. I've seen this thing. It is in a major intersection

in Prince George's County. It is maintained by the public and it is a symbol of the Christian religion. And this isn't the case that the Supreme Court said the giant Latin cross is not a Christian symbol. What they said was the giant Christian, the giant Christian Latin cross is a symbol of Christianity, but it's also a symbol of other things, so it's okay. Yeah, okay. So, now, I feel like you've already answered my first question, which is, how should this have been decided, given existing precedent, etc.? Yeah.

Which is no cross, right? Which, of course, it's no cross. So, look, here's, you and I have talked about this a lot. You've talked about this a lot unscathing without me. The prevailing test up until this decision for establishment clause jurisprudence. Right. That is the section of the First Amendment that says Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion is a three part test called the Lemon test. Right. And it's after Lemon versus Kurtzman case, Supreme Court case, that's almost 50 years old, right? And what the Lemon Test does is it has three separate prongs that a court uses to adjudicate whether a law passes the Establishment Clause, right? And so the first prong is it must have a secular purpose, right? The second is the primary effect of the law must be to neither advance nor inhibit religion, right?

That is, it must be neutral. And then the third, and look, this is where the Lemon Test has come under scrutiny left and right over the years. I want to defend it a little bit here although you know it's kind of like giving a eulogy um the the third prong is the excessive entanglement prong right and it says government must not become excessively entangled with religion and you you might say and lots of commentators have said, what the hell does that mean? Right. And yeah, and they've got a point.

Right. Like, you know, it's tough to know exactly what excessive entanglement means. Was it was it well worded? No. Is it subject to some legitimate jurisprudential criticism? Yes. But by and large, like that lemon test has served us really, really well over the last nearly 50 years. Well, but in this case, we're 0 for 3 on the lemon test on this one, though, right? So who cares if you can strike that out and we'd still be landing on the this cross shouldn't fucking be here side.

You'd think. But the game plan, and I have to say, very successful game plan. It's a game plan that was crafted at the Federalist Society. If you listened to my debate with Justin Walker, right, he trotted this out in our debate in Louisville when I was defending the lemon test. And he was like, look, you know, even liberal scholars think the lemon test has problems. And so the argument that is being made is a two-step one, right? It was, hey, the lemon test has problems. Therefore, we should get rid of the lemon test.

And then the question is, what do we replace it with? And the answer is something that you and i talked about a year ago and i i said i i predicted we were going to have exactly this kind of problem right which is the crazy new rule that justice kennedy as a lovely parting gift before making way for Brett Kavanaugh decided to bequeath to us, which was his 5-4 ruling in Masterpiece Cake Shop, right? Masterpiece Cake Shop says that the plaintiff in that case was, quote, entitled to the neutral and respectful consideration of his claims in all the circumstances of the case. The neutral and respectful consideration to which he was entitled was compromised here

in the cake shop because, you know, apparently the Colorado Civil Rights Commission said, you know, mean things that were taken out of context. Yeah, right, this is dumb. Right. But as I pointed out on the show, on your show, when Masterpiece came out, no one knows what the hell that means, right? Well, yeah, that's not better than excessive entanglement by any measure. Yeah.

It's way worse because one of the things that judges do in opinions, right, after you say something like, plaintiff was entitled to the neutral and respectful consideration of the claims and all the circumstances of the case, you'll have a little italicized name of the case that you're drawing that proposition from, right? You'll have a little italicized name of the case that you're drawing that proposition from, right? You'll have a citation. The entire section in Masterpiece Cake Shop,

and I guess this is one of the perks of being on the Supreme Court that I'll never know, it's like three pages and there aren't any citations. It's just made up out of whole cloth. And this is another one of those uh when you know you hear those on the right talking about uh you know conservative jurisprudence and originalism and just calling balls and strikes and avoiding judicial activism you don't get more active than three pages of i kind of think the law should be this citation needed um okay so there we go so let me ask you if,

if Neil Gorsuch, as he said, and I, cause I don't even know if there is a majority, at least there's like a plurality opinion in this thing, but maybe, but, but Gorsuch said in his,

that the lemon test was shelved. So is that what we're replacing the lemon test with that, that, that nonsense from Kennedy. So here's what the opinion actually says, right? And, and it's confusing, right?

Gorsuch has written a concurrence. Thomas wrote a concurrence that was terrifying. The opinion says that with respect to the Lemon Test, that the Lemon Test is not appropriate in cases involving longstanding historical monuments. Okay. Now, if it's not, and I'll read the language specifically. This is from the majority opinion. This is on page 15. It says, for at least four reasons, the Lemon Test presents particularly daunting problems in cases, including the one now before us, that involve the use for ceremonial, celebratory, or commemorative purposes of words or symbols with religious associations.

And then, you know, goes through all of those arguments. So the holding of the Supreme Court is not that the Lemon Test is necessarily dead, but that it is hanging on by a thread and it's not appropriate in cases that I just described. I have to tell you, it is impossible for me. I'm going to have Monica Miller back on my show, you know, who argued this case before the Supreme Court. And I'm going to ask her, what possible Establishment establishment clause cases are there that don't involve the use of words or symbols with religious associations. Right.

I mean, you know, I guess telepathy is still governed. But like, in my view, it's effectively dead. And Gorsuch wrote that concurrence to say, yeah, look like this opinion gets rid of the lemon test. And as I said on opening arguments, I think the next establishment clause case that comes to the Supreme Court will contain the sentence. We effectively overruled the lemon test in American Legion versus American Humanist Association. But look, you're right that the question of what fills that vacuum is, we don't know, right? It is completely open and up for grabs. This is the only silver lining that I can come up with.

And again, it's a plus for Monica and for the American Humanist Association in terms of how they argued this case. The standard that the American Legion argued for before the Supreme Court, like with a straight face, was a coercion standard, right? a straight face was a coercion standard right so in other words they came to the supreme court they said get rid of lemon versus kurtzman okay uh explicitly overrule lemon versus kurtzman and the court should clarify now i'm quoting from their brief that coercion not endorsement is the proper standard for establishment clause claims. Wow. That's exactly right. So the argument was, we can do anything we want so long as we're not forcing you to pray. And how that would manifest itself, right?

Like, are tax subsidies not, you know, if we offered a tax break, if you, you know, submit your, you know, tithing slip in connection with your tax return. Well, I mean, you know, that's just a benefit if you do. We're not coercing you to do it. I mean, it's a truly horrifying test. And, you know, and again, give credit to the good guys lawyers here that at least the Supreme Court didn't endorse that. They endorsed nothing. Yeah. But nothing is better than we can do anything we want so long as we're not, you know, Estes Perkle gunpoint to the back of the head, forcing you to kneel and recite prayers.

All right. So I feel like we've established a scale here. So on one side, we have this cross shouldn't be on public property maintained with public dollars. And then on the other side, we have this coercion test bullshit, which obviously we had Andrew Seidel on the other day. He was talking about this case before it was decided and was terrified about the possibility that they might actually land somewhere there um so where does

the actual decision fall on that scale of like correct to terrifying so it's still really really terrifying okay and and and again the the reason that it is is because it tears up a half of a century of jurisprudence, right? And think about this from Andrew Seidel's perspective, for example, right? Like, look, we all know that the Supreme Court has five howler monkeys on it and, you know, and we're going to get lots and lots of bad rulings. But one of the nice things about precedent is that if you're a district court judge, right, if you are a federal trial court, you are bound by precedent. You can't say, right, well, I don't like Roe v. Wade, so I'm going to, right? Like, you've got to apply the law first of the circuit in which, you know, over which sits over your district. And every federal court has to apply the precedent at the Supreme Court, right? So even in hidebound, deep red areas with very, very conservative, you know, pro-Christian dominionist judges,

they would look at it and be like, all right, like you want to, you know, put a giant cross in front of a public school. We know you can't do that, right? Like, and I'm sorry, I'd love to help you out here, but there's a real simple, you know, lemon test that says no. Well, you've now replaced that with question mark right right like the underpants gnomes from south park right like and and so every district court is now kind of free uh you know particularly in these in these deep red areas uh to take ordinary establishment clause cases and go,

well, you know what? Like the test announced by the Supreme Court is neutral and respectful consideration of all religious beliefs. And we think sticking a giant cross in front of a public school displays that kind of neutral and respectful consideration of every you don't have to right and and there's nothing to stop them right and well especially since the neutral and respectful consideration comes from respect for their bigotry right so like the worst manifestation of religion is the one that they were talking about when they set that as the standard yep that is exactly right

all right well i'm depressed as hell, but it looks like Eli's almost bitten through the duct tape. Probably best we let you go before he can say illegal stuff. But thanks again for helping us clear this up. Well, I'm glad to be here.

Wish it was under better circumstances. Soon, maybe. Hopefully. That'd be great. I prefer Seidel. I'm a Jackson guy myself. myself anyway and in facts don't care about your gay feelings news tonight do you have a christian asshole in your life eli i swear if you're selling your kirk cameron flashlight on air again after we had this whole meeting about it

no no it's about something else it's about something else i don't believe you neither do i i just want to say i won that bid i could have done both and it's only going to be one now so just saying anyway if you have a christian asshole in your life they probably shared a recent press release from liberty council this week touting a new scientific study in a prestigious medical journal no that proves once and for all gay conversion therapy works no suck it literally millions of people who directly prove otherwise wait yeah like oh i'm sorry liberatory council are we abiding by the findings of studies now because i'm good with that if you are if you want to make that fucking commitment i'll make it with you right now. Oh, we're playing with data? We're playing with data. That's a rule.

Fine. No, great. I wanted to play with data. So let's start with conversion therapy for those unfamiliar. No. Nope. No. Torturing children until they pretend to be straight doesn't work. Actually, it doesn't even help them pretend for

very long. I mean, Rachel Dolezal did some white conversion therapy. That is awesome. I read some Mormon. Right. But conversion therapy aside, let's talk about this so-called study. First, as Hemant Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist pointed out, of the three researchers on the study, one was a retired earth science teacher. One was a seminary professor.

And one was a therapist earth science teacher one was a seminary professor and one was a therapist kind of see the one actual you know therapist that was part of the study works at the saint thomas clinic in california which was founded by the guy who is literally known as the father of conversion therapy which is kind of like if the only doctor in a study on the effects of hamburgers on your health was Ronald McDonald Jr. Yeah, right. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, exactly right. The fact that Anna doesn't have Lyme disease isn't proof of anything. Glad to see you coming around, Eli. I didn't say that. I would pin, pin in that. Secondly, the so-called study consisted of calling people who had already un-gayed themselves and asking them if they were un-gayed.

It wasn't a control or a random sampling. They basically just called people who claimed to be ex-gay and asked them if they were gay. And even under those conditions, only 70% still did. Jesus Christ. While claiming that. So they just called over and were like, how about a dick? No? Okay. Alright. Check. Mark.

Right. But, like, toss that coin. One time, the guy was like, Ooh, dick sounds delicious. Yeah. Alan, I'm going to call you back. I'm going to call you back. I'm going to call you back. What are you supposed to say? No.

And of course, finally, let's talk about this prestigious medical journal that published the study, the Linnikre Korteli, I believe it's pronounced, which Liberty Council forgot to mention is the official journal of the Catholic Medical Association. Oh, Jesus Christ. With the whopping impact score of.12. Ha! On a scale of 100, by the way.

Yes. That is.12 from 0 to 100. That score, by the way, puts them in the top 100% of all journals. Just barely. They are beating no journals. They're in the 1th percentile.

Yes. The 0th percentile. So, yeah, in conclusion, the corrected headline for Liberty Council reads, guys, you can use this for free, Christian hate group press release. Fake medical journal that nobody reads or cites does fake research with

a science teacher nothing teacher and gay conversion therapy mascot to prove that 70 of people who say they're not gay anymore will say that again yes or a variation where you just say and 30 of people who say they're not gay anymore are gay. So while we write a few new press releases, I guess we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Eli, what are you doing? I know, I know. How am I possibly

relaxing in a time like this? We have 36 new patrons who were owed signed copies of Diatribes Volume 2 this month. Four words, Noah. Stamps.com. That's not four words, but what I was talking about is the way that you're like... Stamps.com. Well, it brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer.

Simply use it to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail is ready, you just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It is that simple. No, Eli, I get that. I'm asking. You think it's expensive. No, it's not. In fact, right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com.

Enter scathing. Eli, I know that stamps.com is amazing. I want to know why you're in a bathtub filled with blood. Oh. No? want to know why you're in a bathtub filled with blood oh no okay i'm calling andrew don't don't man a man wrote the bible of course what's wrong if it's a legitimate rate cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. You could make a legitimate argument that they're the single best team in the history of team sports. And yet a lot of American sports fans don't even know who I'm talking about.

So look, I get that soccer isn't everybody's sport. And I get that women's soccer isn't even every soccer fan's sport. But holy shit, we're talking about a team that literally has never been ranked lower than second in the world. So, you know, never been a better time to give it a try. And speaking of women in soccer, let's talk misogyny. And if there's one institution we can count on to consistently bridge the gap between any subject and hating women, it's going to be the Vatican. So let me say first that I was as surprised as anyone that Vatican City has a women's soccer team. And they even almost played a real international game last weekend.

But it didn't quite happen because, as it turns out, female athletes tend to be really big into female rights. So before the game, three of the opposing players lifted their shirts to reveal pro-choice messages written on their backs and stomachs. You know, stuff like, my body, my rules. And expressions of female autonomy are the slippery slope that started all the baby murdering to begin with. So the Vatican put a quick stop to it by canceling the goddamn game. But that's kind of a depressing story. So I brought along another one with dicks in it and Kit Kat bars and evangelical Christian mothers freaking the fuck out about the subliminal dicks and Kit Kat advertisements. So apparently this kerfuffle began when Kit Kat started running an

ad with the song Work It by Missy Elliott. But the 3,000 member Christian group One Million Moms knew better. They happen to know that the it that Missy is working is a penis. And that's an inappropriate way to work a Kit Kat bar, which is fair. You can't break a piece off and wrap it in tinfoil for later. That's very frowned upon it working behavior. Anyway, they took to Twitter to make a difference. And apparently, one of them later saw a different Kit Kat ad and decided that they'd slayed the dragon after all. To be clear, Kit Kat is still running the Missy Elliott ad. It's just not the one that this idiot saw next, so they're taking a victory lap. And while I drop a few

banana peels on the track, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines, Christian right activist and Liberty University administrator Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife, Becky, were fucking a pool boy from Miami Beach together. Yeah, yeah, probably. It's either that or several different people are lying. several different people are lying. Nobody's behavior makes any sense. And the Falwells actually think Donald Trump is a virtuous Christ-like person who deserves to be supported by the evangelical community even right now. It's one of those two options. And that second one is obviously absurd. So yeah, there's some pretty good evidence that the Falwells were just going to town on this pool boy and there might be photos out there to prove it yeah pretty excited you'd think at some point the

Falwell family would get a normal one right right just a guy who's like Jesus said I'm bread and not fuck a pool boy or fight civil rights or yell at people who died or talk about people going just like a normal Jesus guy all right I have none of that I am dying to hear this story because I cannot imagine how this is more embarrassing for Falwell than the pool boy so please yeah so just in case anyone hasn't been following this, here's the backstory. In early 2016, with primary season heating up, it looked like Ted Cruz was the clear pick for Christian right voters. And with the help of his evangelical pastor father, Cruz had already made a connection with Falwell and Liberty University to help solidify that base. But then out of nowhere, Falwell ended up endorsing Donald Trump instead.

And the reason for that might just involve a gay pool boy at a fancy hotel in Miami, photos of special moments in that relationship, an investment by the Falwells in a gay friendly youth hostel blackmail deals arranged by Michael Cohen the jailed lawyer and also get ready this is the best part the keen detection skills of the uh world-renowned actor activist genius of course I'm talking about Tom Arnold. What? All those things are involved. You know that last season of Lost when the show had just like clearly gotten away from the writers

and they kind of just fucked with us for like a couple of episodes. That's our reality. That's how our reality is written. But with Tom Arnold in it, right? So like even worse. Yeah. So according to a series of news stories over the past year,

we've learned that in 2012, the Falwells became friends with this pool boy named Giancarlo Granda. I already want to fuck him. Granda? Oh, yeah, I get it. He's a beautiful person. And Granda was studying finance at the time and wanted to get into real estate.

And at some point, the Falwells flew him up to Virginia, I think in a private jet. That's what this picture I saw seems to be indicating. They flew him up there in a private jet to hang out and do water sports together. They also did stuff like water skiing together. um they also did stuff like water skiing together and after a whole bunch more fucking and maybe peeing the Falwells agreed to help Granda uh buy a gay friendly youth hostel in South Beach Miami either that or the Falwells just loaned this kid approximately 1.8 million dollars for fun without any fucking just right to be nice seeing as the chances of the Falwells loaning

someone they aren't fucking 1.8 dollars is zero they were fucking the shit out of that poor boy I mean the odds that they loan 1.8 million to somebody that they were fucking seems vanishingly small so there were also pictures right the pictures

the key there pictures are key what you doing with your phone don't worry about it it's words with friends okay so eventually this business relationship over the youth hostel it went sour and according to several people involved in the case a number of compromising photos were being used as leverage against the Falwells during that legal dispute. So that's when Michael Cohen stepped in to help out the Falwells. Turns out Michael Cohen is an expert in the sexual blackmail sector of the legal profession.

Not such an expert that he lives at his house right now instead of jail at the time cohen was considered one of the best and he was friends with the falwells after spending time courting them for an endorsement during trump's pre-campaign phase yeah we already know right like i mean even if everything else in the story is a lie or is misconstrued or something we know for a fucking fact that jerry falwell jr had a go-to gay sexual black male picture guy on his rolodex right yeah there we go you got a guy for that yeah so based on falwell's continued unflinching support of Donald Trump, regardless of, well, pure evil at this point, it looks like Cohen might have arranged to bury the compromising photos while at the same time winning a giant favor from the Falwells to keep in his pocket. But that's just speculation. However, what's not speculation is the secret audio recording made by Tom Arnold of his conversation with Michael Cohen that confirms pretty much exactly what I just said.

This all happened after Tom Arnold read about that legal dispute between Gronda and the Falwells earlier this year. And Arnold started tweeting about how they're all clearly fucking yeah and that's when arnold got a panicky phone call from michael cohen denying that rumor and also you know completely unrelated asking for a non-hidden recorder. And yeah, Cohen just completely explained that he helped the Falwells by paying off someone with compromising photos. Again, it's on tape. To Tom Arnold. Next up. You got tricked by tom arnold

big bird exposed the child sex ring run by mother teresa yes so moral of the story a blackmailed presidential endorsement that's a huge deal yeah but it's ridiculous for a bunch of this other stuff to matter at all like if society wasn't terrified about anything that expresses healthy sex positive behavior and you know if the Falwells weren't part of a crazy cult called Christianity that's the major driving force behind that societal problem I'm talking about. If none of that was the case, Jerry and Becky could just be happy and proud about fucking a beautiful Latino man. Yeah, that's great. I can do that.

That's fantastic. I can do that right now. I could be like, hey, everybody, look at me and my wife. Fuck this Latino man. You guys be like, go back to the jokes. But I'm allowed to. No, you're allowed to. That's great.

That's great. But Jerry and Becky can't. Then I can allowed to. No, you're allowed to. That's great. That's great. But Jerry and Becky can't. Then I can kill him. So instead, it looks like they got held hostage by the Trump campaign. And now Jerry's stuck trying to explain how, you know, technically, if you think about it, Jesus Christ was all about the mysterious ways of sexual assault and concentration camps. Really think hard. I tried and didn't. You guys think hard.

Yeah. And worst of all, Jerry can't just fuck Latino men without interference by someone named Becky with an eye. Like he obviously wants to. Fuck you, Becky with an eye. You're just in the way. Like you just confusing. They just want to be together. Just let that's right be together nobody's sexuality is a devil's threesome you can't lie nope it's got to be some i don't know but not in this case i feel like this is just

about this is about john carlo and jerry just let them have a whatever right come on and finally tonight listeners got another great reason to vote for whoever isn't donald trump this week um is it extreme guilt because they didn't vote correctly last time and now they've broken down i'm pretty sure it's child concentration camps no gentlemen to go into yeah better according to bucket salesman and convicted felon Jim Becker, if Trump doesn't win in 2020, conservative Christians will all get murdered. Don't tease me.

Seriously. Right? Here's the quote. Quote. I'm going to say something I probably shouldn't say. One of the few things I'm going to believe out of Jim Baker's mouth. Yep, you are. You are.

Proceed, Governor. Thank you. What's coming next? If we keep losing, you're going to see the leaders of the church and the leaders of the gospel and the political conservative leaders that are powerful. You're going to see them suddenly die. Suddenly killed. Suddenly, as they were driving. Suddenly, as they were driving. Suddenly, as they were in a boat.

What? What is my favorite? Why in a boat? Suddenly. Suddenly. They were in a boat. Suddenly, in an airplane, you're going to see it one after the other.

You better not blink, because it's going to be damn sun. Bunch of Dr. Seuss situations. You're all going to die. You'll be in a box with a fox. More importantly, nobody likes to get raptured without a good supply of sawdust

hot pockets. Call now to get your buckets. uh reason 542 679 to vote against trump this week uh in 2020 jim backer will spend four years just randomly ducking for no reason he'll be terrified to get on a boat yeah all right so on that rare 2019 headline high note, we're going to close for the night. Eli Heath, thanks as always. Eli's autocorrect makes Jim Baker sentences. And when we come back, Joseph Smith will opine on his favorite topic, Joseph Smith. Boy, do I enjoy holy books.

Isn't something people say. In fact, Grammar Check underlined it. When I right-click on it, it says, I mean, technically the words are in the right order, but that is not what you meant, dude. But maybe that's because not enough holy books take the time to really develop their characters. Or at least, that seems to be the thinking behind the fifth book of The Pearl of Great Price, which is called Joseph Smith History, but should more aptly wear the title, All the Stuff You've Heard About Me is Bullshit.

And of course, joining us for this penultimate installment of The Pearl of Great Price is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. You know, I don't really care how many candles you light in here. This is not romantic, and it's hot as fuck. Those are here to mask the smell. Let's get to Lucinda, welcome back. You know, I don't really care how many candles you light in here. This is not romantic and it's hot as fuck. Those are here to mask the smell. Let's get to the book, damn it. Okay, so you know how a lot of perfectly ethical people

often have to start autobiographical works by going pretty much all the stuff you've heard about me is a goddamn lie? Well, this is one of those. Yeah. Kevin Sorbo's Twitter protests less than the opening sentence of this section of this holy book. You might have heard that we keep murdering people, but I'm here to tell you about an angel. Don't answer yet. Quack, quack, quack.

Yeah. So we start in 1805 with Joey Smith being born. Shortly after his birth, his dad left Vermont. Fled would not be the correct word. No. Left would. Yeah. And he headed to Palmyra, New York.

All right. So then he describes the desperate effort to pull new converts into your religion like it was like some clergy on clergy kumite or something. And we get a little piece of Joe joe smith's cult leader origin story here he marvels at how all these ministers were using a combination of reason and sophistry he's like you can mix them get the fuck out of here yeah but then he read james 1 5 and he's all like right the bible makes perfect sense obviously I can just ask my head which religion is right and my god brain will verify it with an unverifiable warmth in my gut or something yep right and spoiler alert the answer his head god brain gut came up with was

you are god yeah okay so at the age of 15 he escapes to the woods to do some serious praying so you know like if a 15 year old boy ever needs to be far away from when anyone can see or hear them it's probably because they're praying a lot really loud you'll pray on the toilet nice so he goes out to the woods to pray to god to tell him which church is real but uh wouldn't you know it satan shows up and seizes his tongue so he can't pray right yeah so joey rassles satan for a bit he does natural yeah but then of course he's losing so he tags in a pillar of light and satan runs off like the bitch that he is. All snap.

Well, wouldn't you know it? Inside the pillar of light was God and Jesus. Yes. And I love God in this because he basically acts like, you know, like Jesus is a three year old that he has to coax into thanking Joey for the candy or something. He's like, this is my son, Jesus. Jesus, what do you say to the nice man? Yeah. God is somewhere between Jesus' opening act and his hype man.

Yeah. I think of it as like the putting the dog on the phone of religions, right? It's like, hi, Scruffy. Can you put grandma back on so I can figure out her will? It's about this. Well, then a few days later, he was chatting with some Methodists, and he casually mentioned that God and Jesus had appeared

before him in the woods, and they told him Methodism was a blasphemy that offended him. And out of the blue, the Methodists started acting like a bunch of assholes and persecuting him. Yeah, what? Out of nowhere. Jebediah, I know I owe you money. Hey, that reminds me.

You know who I was talking to the other day? Jesus. Yeah. You guys want to hear what Jesus told me about the young boys in your congregation? No. We're on the subject of that? Well, and then he uses how pissed off they were as proof that he must be on to something, right? He's like, wait, I'm just some 15-year-old kid of no consequences,

so why would such learned men freak out just because I, a veritable no one, took a steaming shit on their pulpit in the middle of the service? That's how I knew the devil was behind their faith. Yeah, really hoping the Mormon church keeps that in mind when I literally do that at

Heath and I's planned Mormon testimony. Infinite dueling pianos testimony! Yes! And then, when you think about it, that makes Joey pretty much exactly like the Apostle Paul, right? And he wrote that even before he died in jail. Yeah, no, it gets better and better. Yeah, okay. So we rejoin joey years later he's 18 everybody in the entire world hates him because he has visions okay so then joey admits

that he hasn't always been a saint really yeah yeah he confesses to certain sins and here's according to joey the worst shit he did when he fell into the foolish errors of youth. He was guilty of levity. Oh, well, that looks pretty bad. Also, he associated with jovial people, God forbid. Feels like an ethnic slur in there. Yeah. That is a full and complete catalog of his youthful indiscretions. Well, he didn't even inhale the jovial people, though. You know, jovial people, like from New York.

It sounds like Trump opening a speech below the Mason Dixon line in this section, just saying, I haven't always been perfect. I'm a rapist. Let me finish. Uh-oh, you guys are letting me finish. I didn't

have a follow-up. Hillary's a woman. We voted for you. Babies in cages. Open's a woman. Lock her up. We bought it for you. Babies in cages. Open your Bibles to I.I. Corinthians. All right, so then Maroney shows up in his bedroom, which is the only reason Mom heard weird noises coming from his bedroom. Nothing sinful.

It was angels and visions and God and shit. Mm-hmm. I'd love to hear Joey even try to describe Moroni in a non-homoerotic way. Never happen. I'd love to hear his attempt at it, though. But instead, we hear all about how Moroni's robe was quite revealing and he didn't

have anything on underneath it. Also, he was crazy hot. Beautiful was the adjective he used over and over. He was yummy. Pounded in the butt by the ghost of an ancient white Native American Jew. And seriously, we're not exaggerating.

Exact words. I could discover that he had no other clothing on but this robe as it was open so that I could see into his bosom. That's the exact quote. And that's the end of an entire paragraph before that about how the angel is the pinnacle of whiteness and brilliance. So you're looking for a white power, gay, erotic novel.

Well, there's a bunch of way better examples, but like check out the Mormon Holy Book. And we tried to make you throw out your collection. Oh, no. All right. So Moroni identifies himself and tells him about the magic book buried at the magic hill that he can read with the magic glasses and the magic rock. Right, right. But, and this is important, Moroni tells him that he's not allowed to let anybody verify that any of this stuff exists right if he tries to show any of it to anybody or even let him feel his way god will murder him so asking for proof is saying you want him to die if you think about it really

yeah mormonism is the nigerian prince with a locked bank account it really is but eventually moroni leaves for the last time that night joey's got to get up and go to work because the fucking angel bothered him all damn night he hadn't got any sleep so he's super tired uh and he can't work very well so he gets sent home yep very first consequence of joey's divine vision he gets to duck out of work early yep lucky guy or in other words he's a liar if you really believe that an angel just made you a prophet of god that evening you don't wake up and go to work at tgi fridays the next day try to get somebody to pick up your dinner shift like no you're not you're a prophet now all right so he goes to the magic hill that Moroni had told him about because, you know, he's awake enough to do that.

He's just not awake enough to do manual labor. Oh, Joe, if you're too sick for school today, I guess we can't go to the zoo. I'm fine. I can go to the zoo. No, no, no. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Jumping jacks. I'm running. Zoo. He treks up the hill, opens the box, sees the gold plates and all the other various quest items. But Moroni won't let him take any of them. He's just allowed to look at them.

Right. Yeah. I'm just saying if Moroni puts Joseph's dick in a cage, I've read this book. And I've been on this D&D campaign also that Eli created. Eventually, you guys, eventually, Joey got a good job looking for a mythical silver mine in New York State. Pretty sure the nearest significant silver deposit would be in Nevada. But that's when he became a money digger yeah he became a money digger and i want to be super clear on this there is not a non-con artist version of that job right

he's a professional snipe hunter yeah certainly not when joey was doing it there but not even when honest well there weren't no yeah right right it was like i was an honest tarot carver no you weren't and he wasn't even good at that scam he like tried to start a pyramid scheme but got confused by how the geometry on that and if all five of you just signs up half a person fuck so now if i dig up more nothing fuck hold on it's not it just me. So also at this point he meets Emma Hale and marries her. Now that would be foreshadowing if this book was honest, but it's not. So it isn't. It's just the only marriage we're going to talk about. But to be clear, Emma's

dad did not approve of the union. And it wasn't because he was a professional con artist either with no prospects. It was because those visions that people persecuted him over. Yeah. Mr. Hale, can I have your daughter's hand in marriage? prospects. It was because those visions that people persecuted him over. Mr. Hale, can I have your daughter's hand in marriage?

Are you the Messiah? Too slow. That needs to be right away, no. Finally, on verse 59 of 75, he gets the goddamn plates already. I was hoping for way more

why my father-in-law really doesn't like me stuff. Right? Alright. But Barona's like, look man, the second you take those plates, invisible monsters are going to start trying to grab them from you.

He does. Okay? So do not give those plates to the invisible monsters. He totally does. Alright. So it's at this point in the history that Joey realizes his story needs a

little bit of academic cred. And he can't send the plates off to be checked of course on account of the angel being too shy and whatnot, but he can copy the characters that were on the plates onto a piece of paper and then send that paper to real academics. So he did that. Yeah, this

is where we meet Professor Charlesles anthon uh who took one look at joey's glyphs and his translation and immediately declared it quote correct more so than any he had before seen translated from the egyptian end quote it's the most correct translation professor anthon would later go on to write Trump's doctor note As you can see my Egyptian translation is perfect It says I am you are he is we are you all are they are

I am a lovely bunch of coconuts I am a prophet of God I know you guys sound like you're doubting him so look the professor gave joey a certificate of authenticity proving that these were real characters from real golden plates that were the truest thing ever written but just as he was about to leave he let it slip that he learned about this through vision so the professor took back the certificate and tore it up

and there's no evidence anywhere of it i love that even in his own book the academic is like uh this is a total bullshit yeah i'm sorry did you say through visions okay now this story about red people turning white after they meet jesus written on plates i'm not allowed to see is starting to sound ridiculous. Alright, speaking of ridiculous, this is also where we meet Oliver Cowdery, who I've always considered kind of the hodor of early Mormon history. Anyway, he heard

about these golden plates. He wanted to know more about Joey being the chosen representative of God, so he sought him out. And lo, the prophet did spy many spots on my shirt, but when I looked, they were always miraculously gone. So Joey and Ali get to work on plate translating, but one day they take a break for some totally heterosexual wood spraying. Uh-huh.

When John the Baptist came along and leveled them up to super priest. just came along and leveled them up to super priest. Or, in reality, Joe made Oliver close his eyes and they had a splash fight and Joe was like, you guys are waterbenders. What? Did you hear what that angel said?

We're waterbenders. Alright, so then they baptized each other. So if you heard they were naked in the pond laying hands upon each other, it was for a totally different reason. It was a scurrilous rumor they were baptizing each other because god had told them to baptize each other all right oh i also love this bit at the end it says a lot about the perfect word of god here joey's like and once we'd received this magical blessing in the woods suddenly we would read the bible and we're like oh right i get what they're going for here. Right? Like that's how they knew they'd leveled up because the perfect book started making some kind of sense.

Okay. And then the book wraps up, but they tack on eight more long paragraphs of Oliver Cowdery thinly veiling how much he wants to fuck Joseph Smith. That was so awkward to read that last part of like, oh, Joey's got such a nice butt. I mean, like you could still squeeze it and it would resist a bit.

Like Heath's Twitter mentions the holy book. All right. Well, that's going to do it for the penultimate chapter of the third best book ever published, according to the Mormons. So this last chapter must be fucking amazing. Or Mormons are full of shit. Find out which it is next month when we crack open the Pearl of Great Price for the last fucking time. Thank fucking hell. Where are our submarines?

Before we tie a bow on this episode, I want to apologize for all these upbeat diatribes I've been doing of late. I was accused of being optimistic with last week's diatribe, and then I followed up by talking about how good people tend to be. Sorry about that. I will get back to bitching about shit soon. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our Half-Sister Show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't exactly call this an episode if I neglected to thank

Keith Enright for always being awake when we start recording. I want to thank Eli for occasionally being dressed when we start recording. And I want to thank Lucinda for the opposite. It's really fucking hot in this studio. I also want to thank our Farnsworth quote providers this week for what might be our first ever Farnsworth quote sequel. And that's cool. Dude, I get it. It's a rite of passages. All of us had to sit down with our dads at some point and have the tinky winky talk.

It can be tough. It stays with you for a long time, but it gets better every day. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most fuckable filthy monkey descendants, Matthew, Tim, Jared, Shay, Shannon, Squirrely Wrath. Matthew, Tim, and Jared, whose dicks are so long they need a rearview mirror and a spotter to pull out. And Shay, Shannon, Squirrely Wrath, whose IQs have more digits than their hands. Together, these six sexy secularists secured our sacrilege this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, Handel, Social Media, and our audio engineer, Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. But then he's all like, I'm not going to drink your pee. Stop mailing it to me.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.