The Scathing Atheist - 333: Half the Devil Edition

Episode Date: July 4, 2019

In this week’s episode, America warms to the idea of separate but equal bakeries, a Columbian bishop accidentally invents a helicopter method for producing crack, and the GOP will damn near target Heath by name. --- Come see Noah at the Ark Park protest: https://www.facebook.com/events/2060459984043947/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Survey says people are becoming more accepting of anti-gay Christian business owners: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/26/survey-people-are-becoming-more-accepting-of-anti-gay-christian-business-owners-2/ Christian Hate Group Launches Fundraiser for Anti-Gay Australian Rugby Star https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/25/christian-hate-group-launches-fundraiser-for-anti-gay-australian-rugby-star/ Survey: Younger Americans Are Becoming More “Uncomfortable” Around LGBTQ People: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/26/survey-younger-americans-are-becoming-more-u ncomfortable-around-lgbtq-people/ Mayor Pete is wrong about Jesus: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/27/pete-buttigiegs-memorable-debate-lines-about-religion-still-missed-the-mark/ Anti porn measure in Ohio might as well target Heath directly: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/02/ohio-republicans-anti-porn-resolution-is-irresponsible-and-ignorant/ Christian Bigots Forced a Florida Library to Cancel Its Inclusive “Pride Prom”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/26/christian-bigots-forced-a-florida-library-to-cancel-its-inclusive-pride-prom/ Pat Robertson wants people to protest drag queen story hours by voting out librarians: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/25/pat-robertson-you-must-protest-drag-queen-story-hours-by-voting-out-librarians/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/28/christian-bigot-drag-queen-story-hour-is-the-mental-rape-of-kids/ Catholic Bishop Will Spray Holy Water from Helicopter Over City to Defeat Devil https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/29/catholic-bishop-will-spray-holy-water-from-helicopter-over-city-to-defeat-devil/ --- This Week in Misogyny: GOP anti-abortion policy causes more abortion: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/01/study-gops-anti-abortion-rule-for-foreign-aid-leads-to-higher-abortion-rates/ K-sorbs is in trouble https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/06/24/gods-not-dead-star-kevin-sorbo-accused-of-sexual-harassment-by-actress/

Warning, the following podcast found way more words you can't say on television than George Carlin knew about. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS. And by The Scathing Atheist Story Hour, now available wherever a drag queen is canceled. The Scathing Atheist Story Hour, they'll beg you to bring back the drag queens. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Emily Waters, your friendly neighborhood moderator

extraordinaire. And based on the smell alone at the last AtheistCon I attended, I can assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. it's thursday it's july 4th And we celebrate it by kicking England's ass again. Listen, Mayor, for the save. Alex Morgan for the win. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from McJugger Nuggets, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, America warms to the idea of separate but equal bakeries. A Colombian bishop accidentally invents a helicopter method for producing crack cocaine. And the GOP will damn near target Heath by name. But first, the diatribe. A couple decades back, I had a buddy, we'll call him Lester, and Lester said

he was psychic. Now, at the time, I didn't dismiss that as prima facie bullshit because I actually believed that was a real thing. I actually thought some people had psychic powers. So, hey, why not Lester? He seemed like a pretty smart guy. I was inclined to believe him. But unfortunately, for my potential career in bullshit, I still wanted evidence. See, like many other people who are new to the world of Wu, I was convinced that at some point, if I looked hard enough, I'd find evidence. You know, not proof necessarily, but a single piece of evidence,

at least, that would be easier to explain if Wu was right and science was wrong. And at first, I figured that should be a pretty simple task, but over and over again, every promising lead would turn to dust. So here I was with what appeared to be a genuine psychic after all his girlfriend agreed wholeheartedly with his precognitive proclivity so i put him to the test now at first he was pretty stoked about this i drew up some zener cards you might remember those from the opening of ghostbusters where bill murray's trying to fuck the hairspray hoarder lady so he gets there we run through all 100 of them of course by chance he should be picking something like 20% of them correctly.

I recorded all his answers, I summed it up, and sure enough, no sign of psychic ability. He came in right around, you know, I don't know, 21, 22% or so. So we decided to run him again, and we did, and he did worse, but still right about 20% or so. But I'd be damned if I was going to give up that easy. After all, how often does one get such a ripe opportunity to prove all of human knowledge to be an error? So we adjusted the test. I asked if he could come back a couple days later when I could have a few friends over. Then, instead of me looking at a card and him trying to read my mind,

several people could look at the card and he could try to develop a psychic connection with any of them. Lester thought this was a splendid idea. He also reminded me that his psychic abilities always worked best when he was high, so maybe we should smoke a shitload of weed before we did it again. And I thought that was a splendid idea. He also reminded me that his psychic abilities always work best when he was high, so maybe we should smoke a shitload of weed before we did it again, and I thought that was a splendid idea. So we did. A couple days later, he comes back, we fog out my living room, we try again, twice. 200 guesses, again.

And again, no sign of psychic ability. We did have one trial that was pretty high compared to what he'd done before, but not enough to crack what we had agreed in advance was the psychic level. So he parted company and I was left poring over a data sheet that very clearly showed random chance in action. But I didn't want it to show that, so I squinted. And when that didn't help, I closed my left eye, I turned the paper 40 degrees to the right, held up my left hand, spread out the fingers. And when I only looked at the data between my middle finger and my ring finger, it turned out Lester was psychic after all. So the next day I come back and I said, hey, bro,

I think I figured out the problem. See, I'm looking over the numbers. I'm noticing that you usually start slow and you close bad, but in the middle there, you tend to do really well. And that all made sense to me in like a motivated reasoning kind of way. After all, you got to warm up those psychic powers, don't you? You can't just come in cold. And then eventually they'll start to wear out. So if I ignore the first 12 trials and assume his psychic ability starts crapping out around trial number 70 or so, I notice he actually does cross over the line. He actually is psychic. So I go back through our extensive data set of four trials and notice that this pattern holds almost all the time actually in one of them he actually did worse

if i did it that way but in the other three he does significantly better and that one outlier shouldn't count after all that was the second trial on the first day he was already worn out when we started so i say hey let's do that experiment one more time, Lester, but we're only going to do 70 trials and we'll throw out the first 15 or so. We'll call that your warm-up period. But suddenly, Lester didn't want to play anymore. See, at this point, I could still contort my reasoning just enough to justify calling him psychic as long as I got to make up the rules as I went along. But Lester seemed to know where this was going. If I ran this test and it failed, I'd probably come up with something else. And that would also fail. And I'd come up with something else which would also fail. And

at a certain point, I'd give up and Lester would have to deal with the fact that he wasn't psychic. And Lester did not want that. See, this is a gauntlet that all woo merchants, religious people and otherwise self-deluded folk have to pass through. There comes a point when you recognize that more knowledge, more information, more data can only serve to hurt you. Now, some of us keep going. We keep hunting for that data until we reluctantly admit that it isn't there to find. There's no such thing as magic. And Lester was just a combination of full of shit and good at guessing but others don't pass through that way they end up staying there finding some side exit or whatever they intentionally stop gathering information or else they vet it more

carefully to make sure their assumptions are never going to get challenged by what they learn they intentionally refuse to learn enough to make themselves wrong. And that's why much of the time it doesn't matter whether they're lying. You know, we spend a lot of time as atheists on this. Like, you know, do these Jesus peddling millionaires actually believe what they're selling? Does that palm reading charlatan know she's a con artist or has she convinced herself she has superpowers? But this is not an either or a question. You can both know and not know you're lying. Because as soon as you actively stop trying to learn, you've admitted to

yourself that your beliefs won't and can't hold up to scrutiny. So every time anybody ever went into a Christian bookstore or logged into a spiritual website or took their kids to a creationist museum, they're already admitting they're lying. They may not have said it out loud, but their actions betray the truth. They know they're lying, whether they know it or not. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the strong sticks to my bricks, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to huff, puff, and or blow? That's actually the house I got from the sorting hat.

I feel you, Heath. You face fuck one magic hat and all of a sudden you're the school weirdo. I get you. Yes. In our lead story tonight, according to a new survey by the Public Religion Research Institute, tonight. According to a new survey by the Public Religion Research Institute, the United States became mathematically more evil over the last five years. Yeah. The major finding was that every single political demographic of Americans became noticeably more in favor of allowing business

owners to discriminate against gay customers and go ahead and run their store like a fucking segregated lunch counter for hetero-only food. It's like we're using an Orwellian fucking checklist. There's a guy in an office, he's like, hey, y'all, is freedom slavery yet? I think, because I'm pretty sure we got the hat trick. Tonight on Sean Hannity, freedom is is slavery despite what dummy aoc says now for my pillow ads in a row language means nothing words are meaningless lovely so uh yeah here's how everybody did on the test the survey so in 2014 we had about four out of five Republicans believing that when a human being wants to purchase an item at a store, they should be allowed to do that.

And they also agreed that chewing Trident after meals was cool, even for gay people. Even if the restaurant and the gum company thought those gay people should be, you know, denied the meal and the gum and instead get murdered with rocks. But over the last five years, the number of Republican bigots more than doubled. believe that having to let a gay person pay you money for a thing is religious persecution 47 almost half the party of lincoln believes that okay but to be fair imagine identifying as a republican in 2019 and not being a bigot right what's in it for that guy how much do you hate texas yeah and i want to be super fucking clear here if we're measuring this stuff by things like you know what words mean this is no different than a study showing that half of republicans now think linoleum is a food there is just a correct fucking answer here and that brings us to the good news uh or translated into 2019 terms i mean horrible

news that's slightly less evil but still super evil uh the survey found that the number of democrats went from 11 up to 18 over the last five years. And for Americans overall, we went from 16% believing in legalized economic segregation up to 30%. So I guess everyone, everyone looked to the person on your left and now look to the person on your right. If one of those people doesn't hate gay people then uh you probably hate gay people statistically okay now you're just reading michael schirmer's tweets heath okay let's be fair and uh one last detail uh the survey found that 24 of americans think it's okay for

a christian person to have a store with a separate entrance for atheists and uh of course that entrance curls back onto the sidewalk yeah and the number is 22 for denying muslims 19 for denying jewish people and 15 for denying black people god damn it i thought we had that one settled we absolutely do not 15 bottom, this is what happens when religion gets legitimized by having major political figures in power. Yes. The Overton window gets pulled so hard on one stupid corner that it looks like a goddamn expressionist painting in a Tim Burton movie. Ridiculous. We live in a Nazi version of a Tim Burton movie movie ridiculous we live in a nazi version of a tim burton

lovely trump 2020 a nazi version of a tim burton movie and in easy scrum easy go news tonight phenomenal it turns out that's excellent thank you it turns out that in australia there's an even more controversial Israel. And this one also hates the gays. So first, with preemptive apologies to the apparently 4% of Australia's overall population that's written to me specifically to ask why the fuck I haven't talked about this story, let me catch everybody up on the tale of Israel Falau. Fuck you. There you go.

Israel, fuck your face. Yeah. He is Australia's homophobe in chief and an occasional rugby player. For the Americans in our audience, rugby is if you combined the running into each other of football and the boring of soccer. The world loves the crap out of it, though. I don't know why. They just love it. Yeah.

And for the rugby players in the audience or, you know, football players, soccer players, anybody who likes any sport. Shakespeare is the page turning of books plus the boring of books. You're not even in the book when you read it. All right. So the story begins when Folau takes it upon himself to opine on the postmortem destination of gay people, namely the burning in hell for all of eternity they have to look forward to. So Rugby Australia terminates his contract for being an asshole and a bigot. And yes, they have a pretty specific no publicly being an asshole bigot clause in the contract that all the rugby players have to sign. But that does not stop Folau from freaking the fuck out and threatening to sue rugby australia over this uh okay so if he wins the lawsuit rugby australia would have to

read his contract out loud to him so he can yeah well if he wins is all a pure hypothetical there's no fucking chance of course that left fallout on a spot because the last contract he signed was only worth about six million bucks over four years. So how could he afford all this bigotry? Well, luckily for him, bigotry is super easy to crowdsource. Australia has universal health care, so their GoFundMe isn't clogged up with old folks hoping to crowdsource their lung transplants. So he sets up a GoFundMe to cover his future legal bills that he intends to incur when he launches this unwinnable suit. Fuck you. Yeah, well, unfortunately for him, GoFundMe also has a policy against using their platform to fund discrimination.

So despite wild success early, they shut him the fuck down and refunded all the money. You know that there's a Christian bigot out there whose credit card has just been a fucking ping pong paddle this year. Right. That's just paddling to Australia. Canoe full of gold bars. I made it. You can buy some

being a bigot. Yeah. Don't get your lawsuit. Here you go. Anyway. Okay. But fear not, though. If there's one thing the Internet can always manage, it's finding a way to fund bigotry enter the australian christian lobby or nabla which is basically like if the alliance defending freedom fucked the american family association then exiled the baby to australia for looking kind of black so they say we'll fund your homophobia dude and they start their own crowdfunding drive for his legal expenses with the goal of raising three million dollars so that he can sue Rugby Australia for, I don't know, but less than

three million dollars. Also, no one did any illegal shit. So he's going to lose regardless of the amount. Right. Bright side, unless i'm mistaken australia has that like pay the other guy's legal fees rule so basically what the christians are crowdfunding is like jeff blackwell's australian counterpart salary yes so give till it hurts i guess let's get crocodile blackwell Blackwell paid. Yeah.

All right. So that's all we've got on this story at the moment. But don't worry. I'm sure we're going to revisit it eventually and far greater tea deal on gam once David A.R. White gets buffed up to his rugby weight. And in kids, these gays news tonight, according to glads,

2019, thank you. Thank you. According to glads, 2019 accelerating acceptance report. according to GLAAD's 2019 thank you according to GLAAD's 2019 accelerating acceptance report this is the second year in a row that LGBTQ acceptance among Americans aged 18 to 34

has dropped damn I told you we never should have let Heath age out of that cohort you don't know I do so in the survey So in the survey, so in the survey, non LGBTQ identifying Americans were asked about whether they would be

comfortable with their family member, having a gay teacher, learning a family member was gay, or even just learning that their doctor was gay. And again, for the second year in a row, more and more young people think that's icky. What the fuck?

Not being bigots was your entire job. That's the whole thing. What would you say you do here, 18 to 34-year-olds? It's not vote, so what would you say you do here? Now, a couple of mitigating factors to point out here. The first is that some have pointed out that since this data is based on people who identify as non-LGBT and more and more young people are identifying as some form of LGBTQ, the study may accidentally be biasing itself towards bigots. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. Right. I mean, but that's absolutely wrong for a couple of reasons. First of all, the numbers don't line up, right? The number dropped by 8% over a year. The rise in LGBT identification is nowhere near 8% in a year. Almost like you could look that up and check. Yes, exactly, exactly, and not throw out that bullshit.

But more importantly, the total number didn't move, just the number in that demographic. So, yes, young people are more bigoted i feel like maybe this ties into the lead story too somehow 16 and 17 year old people two years ago fucking suck apparently yeah apparently yep so that said i'm more inclined that as noah pointed out the ruling political party in the united states making gay americans its main target for ever might be working right like maybe it's possible that everyone left right and center has been targeting and victimizing queer people and it's working because they aren't just on tv and

will and grace anymore yeah but let's be honest if your opinion about gay people was based on will and grace that reboot definitely made you more of a bigot it is terrible love the original jack and grinder don't mix either way this is uh super disappointing but uh you know what joe biden always says hold on to the torch for a little while longer right yep balances out the pitchfork and in porn again news tonight as of today heath has been an ohio resident for if i'm not mistaken pretty much exactly one year well it's not official but yeah close pretty pretty pretty damn close so it should come as no surprise that the state legislators are starting to worry about the dizzying increase in total online porn viewership in the state that has accompanied his arrival.

Specifically, state representative Jenna Powell, who introduced House Resolution 180 this week, labeling pornography, quote, a public health hazard that must be stopped, end quote. Jenna seems fun. end quote jenna seems fun with a capital t and that rhymes with p and that stands for p porn god damn it fucking footloose character all right so within the body of the resolution she enumerates the problems caused or exacerbated by pornography and it reads like Napoleon's indictment of snowball. According to Powell, porn can be blamed directly for videos of Marxist pigs fucking each other. Only the best of it. But yes, no human trafficking,

rape, the Me Too movement. Oh, wait, wait, sorry. So porn is both pro and anti-rape? I guess it gets canceled out somewhere. Yeah. Child sex abuse. Addiction, just in general.

Sure. Physical illness. I mean, pink eye? Dude, wash your hands. What are you talking about? No. She also has a really sticky emotional illness which is not a thing in the world you know she wrote mental illness and someone was like boo nerd and she was like obviously sorry emotional illness

and also i love this one. Negative impact on healthy brain development. Jerking out all them neurons. Yeah. Okay. Well, apparently this resolution is the brainchild of the National Decency Coalition, which supports Donald Trump and is still allowed to have that fucking name. So fuck the English language and whoever's in charge of names. But they probably report that this is the 15th state to introduce such a measure now it's not like a law that does a thing it's just a

non-binding agreement among the state government that porn is evil and of the devil all right all rise here in the house legislature of ohio again it's 2019 jen wants us all to declare that porn causes physical illness for realsies excellent great let's uh hit some hammers not lose our jobs we're all adults we're all adults in a purple state so let's keep trying to parse out the difference between donald trump and liz warren we're really not getting anywhere so far with that. We have no idea how they're different. That goddamn state. Our vote counts like 100 times more than a California person.

Jesus, fuck right now. Oh, God, don't remind me. And while we help Heath pick out a just-in-case backup home, we're going to take a quick break from a word from our first sponsor this week, HIMS. Do you have a problem with premature ejaculation? Don't want to try 4hims.com? Then why not try Heath Enright's early bird excuses?

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See website for full details and safety information. Because nobody is buying this. Oh, that? No, no. I just spilled, uh, I spilled some garlic sauce. Yes, yep, garlic sauce. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was.

If it's a legitimate race. Then it's your fault, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. One of Trump's first acts as president was to stop this program that gave foreign aid to countries, even if they were going to use some of the money for evil abortions. This is a thing Reagan started called the Mexico City Policy, and it's basically a ping pong ball that gets knocked back the other way every time the party in power shifts. So people didn't make a huge deal out of it at the time.

But I think it's worth drilling in on a little because a new study just published in The Lancet has shown pretty damn conclusively that this policy actually leads to more abortions. And it's not hard to figure out how this works. The groups most affected by this are the humanitarian organizations that focus in on lowering birth rates. With those groups starved for funds, access to contraception goes down. Unwanted pregnancies go up. So in the nations most affected by the policy, the abortion rate actually spikes about 40% every time a Republican takes over the executive branch. Now, if the policy was really about opposition to abortion, the obvious conclusion here is that you rescind it. And nobody in the GOP is even suggesting that.

Just something useful to have in your pocket when somebody challenges the assertion that these policies are actually about controlling women. And speaking of controlling women, Kevin Sorbo is back in the news. Or just in the news, I guess. Pretty much any time he's being talked about outside of god-awful movies, it's a pretty substantial spike in Google trends for the guy. Anyway, the other day he took to Twitter to chastise all the feminists that weren't defending Sarah Huckabee Sanders, even though she had a vagina. But in addition to attracting the attention of plenty of people that instructed him on ever more creative ways of fucking himself

he also attracted the attention of one hayley webb his co-star in a 2015 film single in south beach anyway hayley's response read quote i don't think the person who repeatedly tried to pressure his three decades younger co-star into sleeping with him publicly shaming her on the set when she refused and insisting the director add unnecessary sex scenes between us should be flapping his gums about feminism. End quote, apply ointment. And in case you're wondering, yes, Kevin Sorbo is married. And yes, he was married in 2015.

What a delightful way for his wife to find out. Anyway, while we revel in Sorbo's misfortune, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in pride of Frankenstein news tonight. Weird. Ah, prom night. A badly planned school dance

that somehow revolves around the cool kids fucking and the Mormon kids proposing to each other. I remember my prom like it was yesterday in that i i don't remember it at all even a little it's all kind of a blur either way it can be tough but it is tougher if you're queer and even tougher than that if you're queer and christian bigots lose their goddamn minds at the thought of you having a place to dance and that's exactly what happened in jacksonville florida this week when the jacksonville having a place to dance. And that's exactly what happened in Jacksonville, Florida this week when the Jacksonville Public Library

had to cancel its storybook pride prom thanks to Christian assholes. Wow. Okay, so this is obviously not the answer but I bet we could trick them. We could trick the bigots if the event was called an LGBT

shame prom. We could. I feel like that would trick them trick the bigots if the event was called an lgbt shame prom i'd be like the bigots would just be like all right all right they seem contrite i mean i get that i do weepy dancing sometimes like after a banana now this was all organized by one christ asshole in particular, activist mommy Elizabeth Johnson, who regular listeners of the show will remember for burning Teen Vogue when they discussed anal sex. Yeah. And then burning Highlights magazine when it acknowledged that people exist. When she couldn't find the part that was different in the pictures. Let's be honest.

Basically, this woman's entire career is going to the dentist's office, getting offended, and then burning what she read on Facebook. Also, she looks like the test market for Nazi-themed hair dye. She does. Sieg Heil-ites. Yeah, something like that. But yeah, she's rough. Picture somebody yelling at a waiter who didn't bring a straw with the glass of white Zinfandel.

That's her. You picture. You got it. Mean Rachel feeling attacked. Right. So Johnson heard that gay kids would get to go to a dance. And so she rounded up her dozens of million moms to harass the library. We have complaints, promises of counter protests of a child dance.

And of course, death threats. Yep. Death threats. Their argument is gayness hurts our children. And then when that falls apart, they switch to, okay, well, we'll make it then. Fuck is happening. Yep. So thanks for that last one.

In particular, the library canceled the event because of security concerns, leading to some disappointed teens. But kids, gay kids, come on, come on in if you're listening. And I know you are. We're actually super popular with teenagers here on the Skating Atheist. Reschedule. I'm telling you right now, reschedule. 20 years from now, drinks are on me,

Elizabeth Johnson's grave. It's going to be dank. We'll dab. We'll shoot sweet plumes. We'll eat ass. Whatever you kids are into. This is what I'm told.

And in Honey Davin Pat news. RuPaul Deep Cut, folks. RuPaul Deep Cut is here on the skating rink. Honey Davenport, Davin Pat, Robertson. here on the skating. Thank you. Honey Davenport, Pat Robertson. He looks like honey. No idea. Okay, so host of the 700 Club and official spokesman for Face Gravity of America,

Pat Robertson is still technically alive, I think. Boo. Boo. And Patty Meltz had his handlers slowly drizzle him into a zoot suit for another episode last week, during which he proposed a solution to a major problem that's ravaging the nation's library system. And that problem is childhood literacy, which really fucks up Christianity's plan. It does. Kids can read the Bible themselves.

That's no good for the church. If they read other books, that's also bad. But specifically, Robertson wants to put an end to drag queen story hours, where local drag queens read stories to kids. And he told his audience to make that happen by getting all these librarians voted out of office you know during our next cycle of

librarian elections that we have you keep waiting pat i tell you what pat why don't you and yours just hold off voting till the librarian right yeah you can do them all at once if you don't vote in the presidential elections you get extra votes in the librarian ones. I don't know if it's true. Maybe it's because once he voted like in a library, I have. He knows that there's taxes involved. It's a mystery. without some input from christian shrieking head peter la barbara president of the officially designated hate group called americans for truth about homosexuality and according to him quote

this is like mental rape end actual quote what so is it is that what it's like having a job where we listen to peter la barbara i mean it's not great i wouldn't call it well i i feel like like green eggs and ham has a very rapey vibe to it yeah so i guess it depends on the book told you i didn't want the fucking egg yeah so drag is like mental rape uh not his best simile, not his best work, a little tenuous. But just when I was about to dismiss La Barbera entirely, he brought up a really thought-provoking question. He asked, quote, if blackface is wrong, then why is drag okay? Quote. I've been really trying to find a distinction there but i am

those are the same right drag yeah and blackface yeah who can forget the hundreds of years that gay men owned share so so drag queens are obviously terrifying to christian people and let's go ahead and keep that in mind for, you know, tactical purposes. That's great. But I'm not sure I understand why these story hours are so scary. I mean, kids are being read stories by men who are sometimes gay and are often wearing long, flowy, colorful gowns, which sounds a lot like a Catholic mass.

Just, you know, without the centuries-long history of sexual predators it seems like a win-win i don't get it step in the right direction at least and finally tonight in dumb shit that costs money news puerto ventura colombia is a port city known mostly for death apparently the city is plagued by gangs corruption and ceaseless violence but luckily for them they have a hero in the form form of Catholic bishop and man who has two business cards that you have to hold next to each other, Monsignor Ruben Dario Jaramillo, I'm not done yet, Montoya, who plans to fix the city's woes through a combination of magic and gumption. Pretty bad to die. What? Magic and gumption are heathenized inevitable stage

names for our Christian comedy tour. Alright, so the plan, as delineated on a local morning radio show, is to use a navy helicopter to fly all over the city and sprinkle holy water over all the cocaine demons. Pro tip, guys.

Throw some baking soda in there, with the holy water a little more profit interesting is gonna happen check it out all right so according to montoya they'll quote go around the whole of buena ventura from the air and pour holy water on it to see if we exercise all those demons that are destroying our port end quote at first i was like why don't we just burn some money but my friends were like, eh, do we have something a little more theatrical? Now, to be super clear, every indication is that there actually will be a major reduction in violence over the next couple of months, but not because of the aerial sprinkling that Montoya has in the works. It's actually because

a bunch of improvements that came from secular humanitarian groups after Catholic groups had failed the city for decades. So think of this as the Catholic equivalent of like when Eli jumps in on the last three words of a definition and then pretends that he knew what we were talking about. Talking about exactly. All right. Well, on that note, I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Switch the holy water out for pee. That's a great idea. And when we come back, the Bible will be here to still suck. When we first set out to do a book-by-book retelling of the Bible, one of the biggest challenges for me was coming up with new intros every damn time we did it. And when Eli decided we should do the whole thing again, he said, don't worry, I'm sure intros will occur to you as we go. So without further ado, we're pleased to present yet another installment of...

Bible Peace Theater. Last time of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. How come Moses gets to do all the talking to God? Dead. Hey, I have a question about the... Murdered. Hi, I was looking for the... Oh, no, you don't.

I think that last guy was just looking for the bathroom, but... Meh. Rule of threes. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Can I get some quiet, please? Please, thank you. So, I realize that you're not all super happy right now with God.

Yeah, I mean, he killed like 15,000 people this week. Yes, he did. He made the earth swallow up a guy in his family for not going to a magic battle with you. Yes, he did that as well. But I think you guys are all going to be pretty impressed with what he has planned. Now, did everybody bring sticks with their names on them? Yeah.

Okay, well let's just put those all in front of the tabernacle and see what happens. I said we'll see what happens. Well, how about that guys the stick with Aaron's name on it grew flowers flowers yeah that's pretty special huh I mean it's fine

what you guys aren't super impressed by that? No, not really. Kind of no. Wow. Well said. God was pretty sure that was going to put an end to all the murmurings. Not what our murmuring is about. That's not why we were murmuring.

I mean, he could stop murdering us. That would maybe do it. Okay, okay. I see what you guys want. Oh, finally. Oh, do it. Okay, okay. I see what you guys want. Oh, finally. Oh, thank God. Okay. Good. Two flower sticks! Really? Okay. Wait. Let's hear

him out. This guy gets it. I'm telling you, you wipe with your hand. It's the best. Don't you lose sand that way? I mean, if you like it sandy, then yes. I do. I very much.

Hey, everybody. Hey. Oh, God. It's him again. Yep. Hi. So, spoke to God again, and got some news. And he said you get all the best meat and don't have to do any of the other work,

and that anyone who comes near your secret hideout is gonna die yeah you guys are getting good at this yes exactly but uh also uh he's got the word in addition to the meat thing that you just said correctly uh gonna need 10 of everybody's money what what You have got to be kidding me. I know. I know. It sounds a little weird at first, but God said that's how it goes. Okay, I'm sorry, but this is just such an obvious God.

Exactly. God said you, his priests, need 10% of everyone's income. How long do you think you could possibly pull this off? 5,000 years. So you guys taking resumes? No. No, we're not. Darn. Attention, everyone.

Sorry. Quick announcement. The following people are gross. Dead people. Sick people. Poor people. Sick poor people. Dead people. Sick people. Poor people. Sick poor people. Dead people who used to be sick and or poor. So if you touch anyone like that, you know, yuck. Gonna need you to stay away from me for a holiday weekend.

Uh, question. Like an Easter weekend weekend Or like a three day A three day Okay, cool And the people abode in Kadesh And Miriam died there And was buried there Hey, Moses Yes, Aaron

Who the fuck is Miriam? She's our sister Wait, we have a sister? Yes, yes, remember when I was a baby and someone put me in the blanket and sent me down the road? That was her. Oh. How long has she had

a name? Since just now. Oh. Okay. This is a weird book. Um, so wait, am I leaving in this part of the show? I mean, I don't think so, right? Like, I feel like if there's a new press secretary,

we maybe just work that in as like a third character that Don can do or something. Uh, excuse me? Uh, I feel like we've underused Tyler lately. Well, you know, he's been doing Moses, so pretty much all of these are dialogues between the three of us. I'm sorry, excuse me, Mr. God?

Ugh, what now, Moses? Yeah, well, the, um, the Jews are murmuring again, uh, because this time they don't have any water. Oh my god, gee, how often do you people need to drink? Um,

every day. What? Every day. What? That's crazy. How are you pissing away all the water? With our... the pissing parts of our bodies, I guess. Wait, sorry. Do you literally piss away water?

Why would I make you that way? That makes no sense. Why would you piss away... Sir, you remember when you were making them? You said you were pissed off, and Tyler said that doesn't make sense. And so you said, I'll make it make sense. You know, yes, I do. Now that you bring that conversation.

Yep. All right, fine. They can have some water. Go hit a rock. It'll make water. Just any rock? Yeah, any rock. You know, give it a smack. Okay.

So I just... Oh my me go! Sorry, sorry. Juth, Juth, behold, I give you water. I give you water. Finally. Hey, Mr. God,

I just want to come by and thank you for the water that came out of the... What the fuck was that, Moses? What was what? Um, hitting the rock? Yes, I hit the rock, just like you said i i hit the rock just like you said and water came out like you said no no no you hit the rock twice yes i it wasn't coming out i was building a moment i'm sorry you were building building a Now, the water came out on two. You know, the magical number of two.

Moses, you know how everyone counts to two? That old rule of twos? Oh, wow, I'm really sorry. Yeah, you bet you're sorry, because this punishment, you know what? You don't get to see Israel. You or your brother don't get to see Israel. I'm sorry, I want to be clear here. As punishment for double-clicking your magic spell,

you're not going to let me, Moses, leader of the Jews, who brought everyone out of slavery and through the deserts, even see the promised land? Exactly. Oh, but like keep leading everyone there, okay? You're not dead yet. I just need you to get them there. Oh, yeah, no, totally. Things usually work out great

for people who fire me, then ask me to keep working for them. Meta. Hey, Eleazar, Aaron, I'm so glad I caught you guys. Oh, what's up, Moses? Yeah, what's up, Uncle Moses? Okay, so good news, bad news. Um, what's up, Moses? Yeah, what's up, Uncle Moses? Okay, so good news, bad news. Because I hit that rock twice,

Aaron, you're going to have to go up this mountain with me and then give Eleazar all of your clothes and then die. I'm sorry, what? I don't want you to die. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Because you hit a rock twice, I have to go up a mountain, give my son my clothes, and die. Yep. Yep. Sorry, that's entirely my bad.

Yeah. Um, what's the good news? It's a very nice walk. Oh, cool. You hear that? There's a hike. Oh, I hate hiking, too. You do?

Yeah, man. We're Jews. Yeah, you gotta get really wet. Really? Because, honestly, I feel like I'm a slip and slide, as it is. Well, I'm just saying, if you want it to fit, then you'll need... I'm sorry, Mr. God? Oh, look, Sarah, if it isn't two

knocks Moses, what is it this time? Uh, well, the Jews were wondering, uh, if maybe you... Oh, what? They want more bread, they want more water, more please don't murder me. I've just had it up to here with you people. No, it's nothing like that. They were just wondering if maybe you could kill all

the Canaanites? Oh. I mean, Moses, yeah, I would love to kill the Canaanites for you guys. Okay, cool. They promise to burn down all the cities if you do. Dude, you had me at please kill. Seriously, this is my pleasure. I'm happy to kill the Canaanites.

Wow, really? Would you mind doing exactly the same thing in Sheehan to the Amorites? And really this incredibly long list of other places too? As long as you make sure you repeat it in the book over and over again, I'm in. Great, thanks. Still going to die outside of Israel. Yes, I remember. Because of the two knots.

No, I got it. Yes. Thank you. Hi! Welcome to Balaam's Reader of Fortunes and Palms. How can I help you? Yeah, Balak sent me, a king of Moab. Oh, nice! How is Balak? Not great, actually.

See, there's this tribe out of Egypt, and they've just been out there, like, fucking up everybody's shit. We could really use some kind of a curse. Oh, happy to do it. Let me just have a quick dream chat with God and I'll get back to you in the morning. Cool. Um, so do I like

do I wait here or are you going to text me later? Oh, I'd prefer if you wait here but just outside. Cool. Cool. Cool. Excuse me. God?

God? Blah. What's going on, dude? Ah, not much. Got a request for a curse from a Balak king of Moab. Apparently these new folks, the Jews, giving him a heck of a time. Ooh, no can do, Broski. I got, I got this whole chosen people thing going on with them. So, um, I'm afraid I got to throw out the big N-O on the curse for that one. Oh, alright. I'll tell them.

It's weird that you have access to me like this. Oh, aye. It is, yes. In the book. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing Moab stuff. Moab stuff is my favorite stuff. Uh, your highness? Yes. Hi. I'm Dave.

I'm the messenger that you sent to Balam. Oh, weird. I thought you'd sound much different. Right, right. I was going to do it. Eli said his performance as Kyle was, quote, too moving to be topped. Was it, though? I don't.

Really? I mean, he started crying when we talked about it so i didn't follow rough oh okay um what's up yeah right so i spoke to blame uh who spoke to god i guess he's pretty firmly on the jews side here so no no curse did did you offer him gold and jewels? No. What? Why not? Why wouldn't you do that?

Can I just randomly offer people gold and jewels on your behalf? You can when I ask you to go get a curse guy. Okay. But how was I supposed to know that uh whatever it's fine it's fine just go offer him gold and jewels now right i mean i just got back yes right now yes absolutely right now i'm serious all right fine fine yeah oh uh last thing sorry come back come back come back yes yeah um can you get ice cream when you're out okay uh what kind of ice cream would you like um uh chocolatey okay so

some chocolate ice cream no no no no Listen with your ears. Chocolatey. Oh, right. Okay, gotcha. Chocolatey ice cream. Can I pay for that in golden jewels? Yes, gold. What would you say? Yes, golden jewels.

Gotcha. Hi, welcome to Bellarm's Reader of Fortunes and Palms. How can I help you? Hi, yeah, I was just here last week about the curse for the Jews. Oh, that's wonderful. How did that work out for you? What? No, you couldn't give me one,

remember? Oh, no, I don't remember. I'm terribly sorry. I get a lot of foot traffic. Okay, well, yeah, I mean, I spoke to King Balak, and he says that you can have a bunch of golden jewels if you'll curse the Jews. yeah, I mean, I spoke to King Balak, and he says that you can have a bunch of golden jewels if you'll curse the Jews. Well, I mean, I can ask, but... I can ask God, but this is over my head.

Okay, yeah, please do that. Okay, see you tomorrow, right outside there. Wait, again? Fine, fine. I'll see you tomorrow. My main man, Balam. What's up, buddy? Seen a ton of you this week. Aye, well, it's Balak again. He said I can have a bunch of jewels this time.

So I was wondering if maybe I could change your mind on the whole curse the Jews issue. I'm sorry. I hate to be this guy, but I really cannot budge on this one. Oh, well, that's too bad. But I'll tell you what. Why don't you go with the guy, right? Go with him.

But you just say the stuff I tell you to, okay? Say what you tell me to. Yeah, it'll be fun. I'll like give you little messages. Okay, this is a, this is quite the weird plan. Right? Oh, of course, I get the mule with the crying baby right behind me. How you doing back there, Balam? Uh, I, um, terribly sorry. My mule doesn't want to seem to move. Well, come on, come on! Hey, now, there's no need to strike me. Wait, wait a darn minute.

My mule can talk. I can. Sorry, are we, are we really going with ben carson for the donkey voice yes come on it's perfect i don't know it feels uh racist what how how is that i don't know just you know mule african-american guy there's. That's not a thing. It's at least kind of a thing. It's kind of a thing. He has one line. We're not going to. Come on.

It's not really about the number. I'm going to go ahead and veto Ben Carson voice as the donkey. Yeah, double veto. I knew I should have made Moses' new wife Ben Carson. I am not having that fight with you again. As I was seeing, you again. As I was seeing. You can talk. I sure can.

Well, why weren't you moving? Because there was an angel in my way. See? Hey. Hey. Oli. Fuck. Where did you come from?

The worst state that isn't Mississippi. No, no. I meant where. How did you come from? Uh, the worst state that isn't Mississippi. No, no, I meant, where, how did you get here? Oh, oh, oh, no, I was here the whole time. Wow. Well, Donkey, I was wrong to be mad at you. Does God not want me to go to Bellock? No, no, you're still good. Just, um, just wanted to say hey.

So, hey. Oh, hey. Well, Donkey, I owe you an apology. I'll forgive you for some garlic bread. What? What? That's my, my, garlic bread's my thing. I'm the, the Pug of Peckincorn voice.

Classic. She gets it. Pug of Peckincorn voice. Classic Pug of Peckincorn. See? New York. Blum, thanks for coming. How was the trip? Absolutely bonkers. An angel stopped my donkey, and then it started talking, and then... Great, great.

So, um, about the curse on the Jews. Really? No follow-up questions? None at all? Fine. Fine. Let's go sacrifice some shit and see what God has to say. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Wait, so your

donkey talked? No, no, no, it's fine. Moment's passed. No, let's talk about it. No, no, it's alright. I wanna know. I really wanna know. No, let's talk about it. No, it's alright. I really want to know. I'm not just patronizing you. And Balam went with Balak and they came upon Kirjath

Kirjath who's uh they came upon a place to sacrifice some things. Alright. Got all the pyres going. You ready? came upon a place to sacrifice some things. All right. Got all the pyres going. You ready? Why, I'm ready.

Okay, do your thing. Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. Boy, the Jews are so great. Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. I could never curse anyone that God loved so much. Go, Jews! Um, um, what the fuck was that? That was, uh, my prophecy.

What? You were supposed to curse the Jews, not bless the Jews. Okay, hold on a second. Okay, okay, okay. Let's try a different place, I guess. Oh, sure. Great. Zophim and Pisgah.

Here we go. Ready? Aye. Okay, and curse away. Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. Okay, I meant what I said. Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. God likes the Jews.

Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. They are as strong as a unicorn. Are you fucking serious right now? What did we just say? They are as strong as a unicorn. No, no, no, no. no i heard you i heard you that was just the prophecy from before but now with a made-up creature well how is that better unicorns are real all right now third time's the charm eh is it i okay i'm gonna murder you Okay Last altar

Pure Here we go Whisper whisper whisper whisper God is the best He's really really great And so are the Jews Not as great Whisper whisper whisper whisper

And God is strong as a unicorn. Oh, my God, a unicorn? Really? I did warn you. No, no. Okay, you did. You did. I blame myself for choosing you, honestly.

That's valid. Well, hey, now, no hard feelings. Do you want me to tell you your fortune? It's free. Um, I guess. Fine. Yeah. What's my fortune? Okay, you and your kids and your whole kingdom and a bunch of other kingdoms are all gonna die. Great. Awesome. So glad I brought you out here. Well, there is one more thing.

Okay, what's that here whisper whisper whisper hey that actually might help all right well see you around yep yeah thanks blom see ya no problem you're still gonna die yep Yup, got it. Thank you. Alam, thank you. And on that mysterious foreshadow, we'll take a break, but we'll be back in a month for more... Bible Peace Theater. Before we burn down to a nub tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you're going to be anywhere within driving distance of Williamstown, Kentucky this weekend, you're cordially invited to protest Ken Ham's genocide and incest park with me on Saturday, July 6th. The Tri-State Freethinkers are putting a whole thing together.

I think this is their fourth annual protest. I'm going to be speaking there along with a bunch of other people. Whole thing starts at 10 a.m. You can find a link with more info on the show notes, or if you follow our Twitter or you like us on Facebook or whatever, we'll put a bunch of information there, too. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Moose, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode wouldn't even make it out of its chrysalis if I neglected to thank Heath Enright, voice

of sanity and prevention. I need to thank Eli Bosnick, voice of Hannity and conjecture. I need to thank Lucinda Lusion's voice of amnesty and indenture. I also want to thank... Shit, I know there's another slip in my mind, but it's going to be somebody voices something in something, probably. I also want to thank Emily for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. By the way, in case you were wondering what the smell she was talking about was,

the sound file was just labeled poop. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most spectacular specimens. Another Andrew, not a lawyer, Mike, Chance, Pedro, Clarissa, Jim, other Jim, Becky, Shannon, Lauren, and optimistically, Andrew's optimism is too optimistic. Another Andrew, Mike, Chance, and Pedro, whose dicks are so suckable they have to carry around a nutritionist fact sheet for their spunk. Clarissa, Jim, other Jim, and Becky, whose mighty fists make the LHC kind of redundant. And Shannon, Lauren, and Andrew's optimism, who are so badass they're allowed to fill in bubbles with a number three pencil. Together, these 11 elated elites elected elevate our elegies by giving us money.

Not everybody has the heartfelt generosity it takes to give us money, but if you care about us enough, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media,

and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. I'm not out of breath yet. You're the one that's out of breath. I can still keep talking.

I might not be able to actually formulate sentences, but I can still keep talking because I still have breath to do it. You ever talk into a stranger and you bring up something like that that we know and they're like, what? And then you've got to be like, oh, no. No, yeah, the poop in the holy water. Really, actually, all of the holy water, if you go to that baptismal font, it's like four parts shit, two parts water. Shit. You got to read articles about what shit is in a lot.

Anyways, I won't be the godfather. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.