The Scathing Atheist - 334: ScathingAtheist 334: Mama Bear Edition

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

In this week’s episode, America votes meh on religion, the Church of England lowers itself into a vat of molten steel and gives us a thumbs up, and Eli will present a book report that never quite gets to the book. --- Come see us in Virginia Beach on July 27th! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-virginia-beach-tickets-63066905813 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Humans Holler at News podcast here: https://www.spreaker.com/show/man-yells-at-news --- Headlines: Gallup poll shows confidence in organized religion at new low: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/09/gallup-confidence-in-organized-religion-is-at-an-all-time-low-again/ Deluded Writer: Amazon Banned Conversion Therapy Books; Will the Bible Be Next?: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/06/deluded-writer-amazon-banned-conversion-therapy-books-will-the-bible-be-next/ "Professionally incompetent" chiropractor owes $100,000 for anti-vaxxer posts: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/07/professionally-incompetent-chiropractor-owes-100000-for-anti-vaxxer-posts/ CA lawmaker withdraws bill that would require Catholic priests to report child sex abuse: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/09/ca-lawmaker-withdraws-bill-requiring-catholic-priests-to-report-child-sex-abuse/ If these birds don’t get birth control, an Australian church may be destroyed: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/07/if-these-birds-dont-get-birth-control-an-australian-church-may-be-destroyed/ Trump’s “Spiritual Adviser”: Satan Tried to Kill Me With an IV Drip: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/09/trumps-spiritual-adviser-satan-tried-to-kill-me-with-an-iv-drip/ A Woman Wrote “It’s Real,” Referring to Heaven, After “Dying” for 27 Minutes and now her niece got a batshit tattoo of it: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/05/a-woman-wrote-its-real-referring-to-heaven-after-dying-for-27-minutes/ The anti-LGBTQ Church of England accidentally validated certain gay marriages: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/06/the-anti-lgbtq-church-of-england-accidentally-validated-certain-gay-marriages/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, this podcast contains all the offensive language we could think up on the spot. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. And by Random Explosions for the entire fucking week after 4th of July.

Random explosions because nothing says America like surprise mortar fire. And now The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Bethany Turner of the Humans Holler at News podcast. And I'm Larry Yelling Man. And we evolve from Filthy Monkey Man. Yeah. Yeah. It's Thursday.

It's July 11th. And it's International Essential Oils Day. So, congrats to bullshit all over the world. Great job. Sounds like someone needs some lavender. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

I'm from Carly Lloyd's, New Jersey. Hell yeah. Sometimes I do a good one. Cincinnati, Swing State. And good husband, Georgia. This is The Skating Atheist. Oh, this week's episode, America once again votes meh on religion. The Church of England lowers itself into a vat of molten steel and gives us a thumbs up.

And Eli will present a book report that never quite gets to the book. But first, the diatribe. Had a great time over the weekend in Kentucky. Our words that generally don't happen real close together. This past weekend, the Tri-State Freethinkers were doing what I believe was their fourth annual protest of Ken Ham's testament to genocide, incest, and homophobia, the Ark Encounter theme park. And I'm not sure how many people showed up exactly or how it compares to their other protests, I can't say that we looked pretty damn impressive lined up along the sidewalk on the way into the park and kudos to the organizers by the way we walked up there two by two so anyway after the march after the speeches after the food we're all hanging around doing the fun stuff right the part

where we get to meet and hang out with other atheists who care enough about this shit to stand out in the unforgiving sun for hours just because Christians don't have to hire gay people met a bunch of listeners signed a few books juggled for the smattering of kiddos in the audience and at some point during all that time one of the attendees walks up to me he says hey noah there's a christian here that wants to learn more about what we're doing and my first instinct was to just say no there isn't. Because, I mean, that's theoretically possible, I guess, right? Maybe somewhere in the world there's a Christian who is thinking to themselves, I wonder what the atheists think about my religion. Sure, hoping I happen by a protest or something where I get a chance to ask them.

But statistically speaking, all of us are going to be long dead before that ever happens. It's not worth worrying about. Now, this attendee was no more snowed by the evangelical cover story than I was, right? That wasn't what this was about. It was some fan of the show wanting to see me go full diatribe on this motherfucker. Now, that's not a

thing I do, but people invariably seem to think it is something that I'm going to do. But for the record, I didn't get into the atheist movement to hang around religious people, okay? I feel like it's enough that I have to watch their fucking movies. So I hand this guy off to somebody I think will treat him with the patience and respect that his inquiries deserved. And lucky for me, Aaron Rod didn't look busy at the moment. But after a while, I found myself out of people to meet and greet with.

And I thought, every time I go to these things, somebody tries to goad me into an argument with a Christian, and I always refuse. Maybe I should at least give it a try one time just to see what happens. Now, keep in mind, this is probably an hour later or so. And the dude is still there trying his damnedest to win a soul or two for Jesus. He's in the middle of a debate with another attendee because you know how learning about what others are doing includes a rebuttal period. It's like that. And I come up and I'm like, you know, wait in my turn.

But the first sentence out of his mouth is so stupid that I literally cannot hold my tongue. Look, as much as I try to avoid these kind of debates, I've gotten into plenty of them. And I recognize exactly what's happening, even as I walk in with no context. The Christian has just been presented with some argument that is way more convincing than anything he'd prepared himself for. And he's flailing. Right. He's worried. He's about to fail his Lord and Savior. So he's justailing right he's worried he's about to fail his lord and

savior so he's just saying whatever he can to stem the bleeding and here's the actual sentence he's saying when i walk up sans context as it was presented to me he says i was raised to believe that saying that what you know is better than what i know is to put yourself on a pedestal and that was as long as I could remain silent. Now, I don't know. I could have let him finish his sentence. Maybe it was going to end with, which is obviously insane bullshit. And the person who told that to me is now in a home for their own protection after insisting

that their airplane could fly as good as those fancy ones down at the airport. But since there's virtually no other way to finish that sentence without being fucking stupid and says that didn't seem to be where he was going i cut in because i found it hard to believe that he actually thinks he lives in a universe where it is immoral for one person to know something that another person doesn't now i didn't get a chance to say all that i got as far as but because as soon as i got to buddy cut me off he says you have to let me finish and as you might have guessed about me I'm not real good with sentences that start with you

have to so I said no the fuck I don't and I walked away I mean first of all I didn't stop at your protest to find out what you think about things you're a Christian I already know what you think about things it's Jesus right and I also know what you think about things. It's Jesus. Right. And I also know what smarter people than

you tell you you're supposed to think and what they think that it's not much better. I can't stop you from saying more, but I can damn sure stop myself from listening to it. But secondly, and more importantly, if premise A is obvious bullshit, you don't get to move on to premise B. I get to tell you that if premise A was true, you would be as good at telling me my wife's name as I am. And then you got to think of a new premise A. Otherwise, we're done and I fucking win. So yeah, the debate lasted something like 11 and a half seconds. It wasn't the most productive debate in the history of atheist versus Christian interactions. But let's face it, it also wasn't the least productive. I mean, sure, the other speakers and protesters were doing a good thing.

They were trying to educate him. They were listening to his questions. They were patiently explaining their rebuttals. Some of that might sink in. Sometimes it does, no matter how hard they resisted. Otherwise, nobody would be listening to this shit. But, and I hate to keep beating this dead horse, what I did was also a good thing.

Once in a while, Christians should be reminded that we have no obligation to listen to their bullshit if they're not going to play by the rules of logic. Their opinions are as often as not uninformed nonsense that they're making up as they go. And when somebody has the arrogance to think I have a social burden to listen to him just because he showed up at this thing

and started talking, sometimes he needs smacked the fuck back down. Look, part of this is outreach. I get that. So what he's doing isn't exactly the same as like me showing up at his church, asking what they believed and demanding time for my rebuttal.

But it's not entirely different either. And there's value in reminding them of that. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Coke and Pepsi to my R.C., Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas,

are you ready to be measurably better than me in every way? Oh, I like R.C. Fuck you! I hope you fuck you i hope you die i hope you die like rc cola and while we probe heath for whatever deep childhood trauma prompted that response we'll pause for a word from our sponsor this week zip recruiter i want to fire heath good thing we have zipper hello you have one more job connection would you like to confirm no? No, stop, stop, undo, undo. Hey, Heath, who is this?

Oh, hey, Noah, this is jobwebsite.net. You can make $80,000 a year stuffing envelopes. Apply now. No, I can't. No, you can't. Sorry, sorry, just ignore him. I was just trying to hire someone. Well, why don't you just use ZipRecruiter.com?

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Sending Glondage. Well, right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. And I get to try it for free? What's the catch? Um, I mean, you're still going to get this dude's emails.

Congratulations, you own a free hat store. No, I don't. No, you don't. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the guy who writes the headlines at Gallup misspelled, despite all appearances, Americans are getting smarter this week and instead wound up with U.S. confidence in organized religion remains low. when a polling organization goes around the country and asks a bunch of people, hey, how confident are you in the kid-raping, gay-hating, history-revising,

anti-science, tax-exempt misogyny factories, and any non-zero positive number of them says a great deal or quite a lot. But it is good news that fewer people are saying that than have at any other point in my lifetime, at least. X-tree, X-tree. More Germans than ever are saying the Jewish people are meh. That's good. All right, so apparently

this is a question that Gallup started asking in the days of yore that are, to Eli, indistinguishable from the Cretaceous, known to the rest of us as the 70s.

Great. Now I'm picturing a T-Rex doing coke off a brontosaurus's tits. So much did. Aren't you always? I mean, you definitely draw it a lot. I do.

I draw it a lot. All right. So back in 1974, when they started measuring this, the number of folks answering that they had a great deal or quite a lot of confidence in organized religion was a whopping 65%. Not as much as Donald Trump hats would lead you to believe, but still a disturbingly high number. So anyway, in the intervening 45 years or 12 epochs in Eli years, Americans have gotten twice as good at answering this question with 2019's number coming in at a record 36%, down from last year's record of 38%, down from the previous year's record of 41%, down from the previous year's record of 42%.

This goes on. Unfortunately, though, apparently we haven't gotten any better at asking the question, as Gallup still seems to be operating with some sort of sliding scale that uses both a great deal and quite a lot as two different tiers, even though I'm not sure I can intuitively say which of those implies more confidence anyway not the main takeaway by any means but i think it's worth emphasizing that it's literally difficult to ask an intelligent question about christianity and plus bright side at this rate 12 and a half years from now everyone in america will be an atheist no it's not it's not how numbers work. Or is it? No. Okay.

It is okay. And in Publisher's Queering House news tonight, in a positive step towards not funding bigots this week, Amazon officially removed the books of bigot child torturer and father of conversion therapy Joseph Nicolosi.

Gentlemen, shall we celebrate by reminding everyone what Nicolosi looked like? He's pretty rough. He looked like Ray Comfort's radiation double. He looked to me like he retired to wine country to focus on growing his

neck. He did. He really did. So the book's removal came in response to a Change.org petition that garnered over 80,000 signatures which correctly pointed out that while conversion therapy is terrible at turning kids straight, it's amazing

at turning kids dead. So, you know. I mean, not NRA levels of good at that. Like somewhere between ICE and the NRA levels of good at that. Well, no. Like somewhere between ICE and the NRA. That's how good they are at killing people. It's weird that we have this ranking system. It's a weird chart we have.

It's a weird job. It's what we got to do. But not everyone was happy to see if you give a mouse an ooky-cookie taken off the shelves. Charisma News contributor and widescreen edition of Geraldo rivera dr michael brown took to the only blog on earth read by less people than mine to warn his fellow christians that the bible is coming up next i mean sure fucking hope so yeah pulling down murder books

we should pull down the biggest murder book right yeah i mean that one's way better at making dead kids okay so it's like bible nra ice well between yeah somewhere we got it we'll put it you forgot conversion therapy yeah that's right tim put it on the facebook page we'll get a poll going it'll be fun all evil all right so according to dr brown quote it'll be fun all evil all right so according to dr brown quote why then should amazon ban his books but continue to sell the bible which provides the theological underpinnings for dr nicolosi's scientific work end quote and i mean yes right like the theological underpinnings he's talking about are kill people with rocks but they right they're there well i suppose you could ban the bible if the standard is to not sell any books at all that promote torture or murder or rape or slavery or filicide or genocide you know what i'm sorry i i was going

for a hyperbole um and i missed yep shit hard not to hit hyperbole when you're talking about the bible brown continues quote after all gay critics of the bible refer to these so-called clobber passages referring to verses which have been used to speak against homosexual practice if these were passages yeah those are the ones yeah i've never called them clobber passages i'm gonna clobber you no i'm gonna explain this is evil yep if these verses then have brought such harm to the gay community why shouldn't the book containing these verses be banned end quote i love it when religious people ask rhetorical questions wrong right yes yeah there's a correct answer here yeah feels like you don't want me to answer but i know it i know the answer yeah if you don't want hateful and influential texts on your website the

bible is literally your second best choice for that book yeah yeah and i think we all know what the first choice is the giving tree exactly. Exactly. That's what I meant. That kid was fucking bullshit, tree. Find someone who will love you without destroying you, tree. I'm kidding. It's the Koran. It's the Koran. And in this is spinal crap news.

Brilliant. The Nova Scotia College of Chiropractors was recently made to look stupid by a combination of their exact title and purpose. The anti-vaxxer propaganda that was spread online by one of their members. a former, not a doctor, was ordered to pay a fine of $100,000 by the governing body of a fake science for spreading information

about different fake science. Apparently, you have to stay in your lane of ignorance. Right. Well, yeah, exactly. Can a fake body charge you a fine of $100,000? I don't think so. Can you just go? No.

Yes. We'll get there. You can. Wow. Fucking you make us chiropractors look bad. It's like a steaming pile of shit hinting around that maybe you need more deodorant or something.

So the authorities of Spinal Hogwarts have a policy that says you're not allowed to give out advice on a topic that you're not an expert in. Oh. So when Ms. Churchill said, you know, any single thing about anything related to medicine, she was in violation of that rule. Or non-medicine, really. She talked. And as a result, she had her license taken away. And she had to officially admit that she was, quote, professionally incompetent. Even though that's literally a description of her job.

According to the committee in charge of her hearing, quote, Dr. Sick Churchill's conduct brought the profession of chiropractic into disrepute, Sick, end quote. And, no it didn't. That wasn't her. You cannot blame her for that. No. I'm confused.

What do chiropractors think they can talk about? Right? I want to be in the meeting where they figured that out. think they can talk about right like i i want to be in the meeting where they figured that out oh next stuff no no because we kill people on like a regular basis right with the next thing yeah yeah right yeah ah what no back i want to say the back stuff I mean I get where you're coming from but like we literally pretend that back pain is because people have magic

trapped in their spine we do that's our thing jeez okay I got it I got it people with hear me out more money than sense that's it I got it. I got it. People with, hear me out,

more money than sense. That's it? I'm a doctor of that now. I call that one. Oh, me too. Me too. I want a double doctor. Just me. Just the two of us. You were too slow. I'll charge you $100,000.

Yeah, just like that. Once Churchill was no longer bound by the strict professional ethics of manual spine pushing science sure she decided to go full plague rat and spread even more anti-vaxxer stuff and she backed up her claims by pointing out that Alex Jones is on her side. Oh, that helps. Which I believe is technically biological info warfare. Seems like a fair punishment would be an injection of spinal meningitis treated with a nice maple syrup back massage. I'd be up for that.

Yeah, you know you got a problem when big chiropractic is no longer holding you back. And this is my favorite part. In order to get her license back, Churchill has to provide, quote, a qualified medical opinion that she's competent and fit to practice. But whoever writes her that note would need to get a similar note from someone else. And eventually there'd be no more licensed chiropractors in all of Canada. It's a good system. They have no idea why it's a good system, but it's a good system. And in forgive me, father, I'm going to send news tonight.

A state senator in California recently introduced a measure that would close a loophole that allows known child sex abusers to remain on the loose and unknown to authorities. So, and you can probably finish this sentence along with me at home now. The Catholic Church fought a tooth and nail and cast it as religious persecution. Oh, we all said that's fine. We all had it. I'm exactly right. Yeah, we get him. That's fine.

We all had it. That's exactly right. Yeah, we get it. So state Senator Jerry Hill introduced SB 360 to remove clergy from the list of people exempt from reporting cases of child sex abuse. And that made sense because they're the profession at the end of any sentence that might start with rapes children like he was a. Sorry, the list of what? I must have misheard you. The list of. Yeah, right.

Okay, so to be exempt from reporting child sex okay yeah that's what you said yep so right now if priest al walks into a confessional and tells priest bob man you are not gonna believe how many kids i raped this week priest bob is under no legal obligation to report that crime what what's more he wouldn't not only does he not have to but he just wouldn't what's more he'd pat himself on the fucking back for the priestly restraint that it took to do something so noble as protect the secrets of a child sex predator and what's even more is that he would lobby the state fucking legislature to ensure that he could keep doing nothing about it right and then he'd get back to writing his book about how atheists don't have moral compasses there you go and and look

that's a weird power to give anyone you know it's like hard to imagine a government just suddenly going look you all have to report every violent crime you know about except plumbers but for some reason priests are on that fucking list. And despite passing through the Senate Appropriations Committee 4-2, this bill couldn't garner enough support in the legislature, so Hill pulled it this week because the international child rape cabal that promises to rape fewer kids next time threw every fucking thing they could at this

to make sure they could still rape kids and get away with it. Okay, now it feels like state senator needs to be on that list right state senator on that list who made the list what the fuck is happening yeah who decided there'd be a list yeah would there be a list of this so here's this bullshit hold my breath until i turn blue ass way that the catholics defeated this bunch of catholic higher ups sent out these outraged letters about how this would violate the sanctity of the confessional, and they vowed that they would rot in prison before they obeyed such an unjust law.

Which, yeah, I don't know, maybe that sounds noble if you promise not to think about it, but if you do think about it, you realize that they're a little miscast as Mandela here. There's literally no way to enforce this law if the priest won't do it, so they can't rot in fucking prison for violating it. They could just not protect children from sex abuse through inaction which is even

easier than they usually have it and even if you disregard all of that if they did go to prison for their civil disobedience it would be in protection of child rapists yeah thoreau is happy there's no afterlife right now. Right, but like, even if you could go to jail for protecting child rapists, you should, right? Like, if you want to protect child rapists, jail seems like a fantastic place for you to be. But yeah, I guess that was the clincher. So maybe we can make a rule that it's not illegal for them to tell the lamp next to the cops about their rapist colleagues. Or we'll give them a cootie shot if they do. I don't know how their system works. No one does.

I want to hack it. And in cockatoo illusions news tonight, we here at the Scathing Atheist are proud to announce we have finally, officially decided on our show's favorite bird. I want to give a... This is under protest. Big, big shout out

to all the contenders. The cockatrice was well represented early because of its name, obviously. Heath, you ran a valiant campaign for chicken. Yes, I did. Because in Heath's word,

he likes chicken. You guys, Noah and Because in Heath's word, he likes chicken. You guys, Noah and Eli, are stupid. Chickens are so good. I don't understand how people don't... This is fucking Sharknado all over again. The chickens aren't self-aware. Fuck you. We need to move forward.

We need to move forward as a cast. But as I said, a winner has been decided on, and it is the Australian corella for its shiny white plumage its expressive and soulful eyes its beautiful song and because it's destroying the fuck out of some catholic churches it's like if atheism was a bird that is correct apparently the saint francis cathedral in geraldton has been wrangling with these little buggers for the past few years. According to news outlets, the birds have destroyed roofs, chewed through electrical wiring,

and even managed to remove anti-bird spike strips meant to keep them off the property. Get this shit out of here. This is the best. This is such good work by Lucinda. When we visited Australiaia lucinda actually taught him to use giant slingshots to fire themselves into the side of the church also in an ironic twist uh it looks like the solution the catholic church has come up with is birth control oh nice yep the product known as Ova Control, which is used internationally to control pigeon populations,

would reduce the population down to manageable sizes and avoid them having to poison or otherwise hurt the birds. And when the Catholic Church was asked if they'd consider this in the light of their other policies on birth control, the church replied, oh. Right. Oh, God, we just officially admitted that we ranked the australian corella above african people didn't we yep shit we sure did shit yeah the hypocrisy and irony here are pretty obvious that said there is no word yet on how the birds are reacting to pope francis's recommendation of the rhythm method so keep an eye out on that as we follow up with future news. Next up in headlines, we have a story about Donald Trump's spiritual advisor, her foot

surgery, a magical soothsayer from Ghana, and an IV drip that was being possessed by Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Again. So, yep, again. And one last thing for context, Donald Trump is President of the United States, just to be clear. And he's taking advice from Paula White,

who recently claimed that Satan tried to kill her intravenously. Yeah. Also, we're pretty sure that she is just Donald in a wig, but go on. Go on. I know it's not relevant. I've suspected that for years, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

So just in case anyone's not familiar, Trump's spiritual advisor is Paula White, and she's a non-denominational preacher of the Christian prosperity gospel. And that means nobody likes her except apparently Donald Trump. Evangelical Christians call her a heretic for being too untraditional. And everyone else calls her a thief for being a thief. Yeah, right. Also, the evangelicals hate her for being a better thief than they are because prosperity gospel is basically just Christian tithing plus the Amway scheme, but without any stuff. Yeah, you don't even get any bleach or anything.

Right. Well, they have to call it prosperity gospel because any more specific description would be legally defined as mugging. So. So, honestly, if republicans want to convince me to hate poor people and they do forget the like racist myths about welfare queens just give me the stats on how many people's grandmas are sending creflo dollar a check right i will go full right hand right now yeah if mail fraud and mugging were possible to combine, they've combined. So here's the story we got from Paula White during a recent sermon.

Apparently, she was about to get foot surgery, but then she got tipped off by God at the last minute that Satan was going to kill her using the IV bag. What? Plus, God had already visited her in dreams three times to warn her about this, but she ignored that and went in for the surgery. But right before she's about to get the anesthesia, she's like, wait, hold on. This must have been what God was talking about in those dreams when he said that Satan was going to kill me using the IV drip

during my foot surgery. Here I am at this foot surgery. So she yelled to her husband to grab her phone. And right then, right when he grabbed the phone, a magical prophet called from Ghana and said, quote, Mom, you're on a table right now. Get the IV out of your arm. There's a demonic timeline trying to take your life. Timeline?

I can't imagine that's the word he thought he was using. He said demonic timeline. So now that she confirmed the dream message from God by checking with a clairvoyant from Ghana, that was all the data she needed. Yeah, she... She jumped off the surgery table, told the doctor to take out the IV, or she's going to rip it out herself, and then she ran away.

Fortunately, surgeons don't have important stuff going on in their lives, so there were no consequences to this. It was totally fine. Also, her foot hurts, but... I want to hear this exact same story but from the surgeon's perspective oh god yeah or the perspective of you know somebody who needed medical care yeah right damn it right we don't have an appointment for three weeks i mean unless some lady just goes crazy calls africa and runs by actually you know what put me on know what? Put me on that wait list. Put me on that wait list.

That's gonna happen. I was listening to a podcast. Yeah. So again, Donald Trump lets this person go to the White House and say words out loud that he listens to. And she thinks that a magical demon of supreme

evil was trying to kill her using goddamn plot from murder she wrote the fuck is happening and in tattoo soon news tonight tattoos they can be a beautiful artistic means of self-expression touching memorials of the people we love who are no longer with us or in mike tyson's case just a fantastic way to let people know you're crazy uh it would be great if that was how mike tyson let us know right yeah no just tattoos yeah you got that tattoo a full seven years after he bit off part of a man's head on pay-per-view i don't know who is still waiting for confirmation at that point that's not even what I was talking about. It's fair. Well, Christian influencer and Instagram star Maddie Johnson tripled down hard on that third one this week when she got her aunt's literal, barely conscious scribblings about heaven tattooed on her wrist forever.

See, I have no tattoos, and this is the reason. There has been no point in my life where I don't think that the five years ago me was a fucking idiot. We're all an idiot five years ago. We're all like last week and all times. So for those listeners who are unfamiliar, Maddie's aunt Tina Hines was the winner of 2018 Christian who had a a medical thing happen and now they'd like to sell a book award. She had a heart attack while she was preparing for a hike with her husband last year and luckily, medical

personnel were able to reach her. And a couple hours and a bunch of medicine that is real later, Tina survived. However, surviving a medical procedure is not how you make money in the United States. Actually, the opposite.

So she came to and then she scribbled, it's real on a piece of paper and then pointed at heaven. And now Maddie is tattooed at the fucking light bulb. What? She's tattooed that barely conscious scribble on her body forever. Okay. Well, I hate to be rooting for Aunt Tina to have more near-death experiences, but I am. I am. Because a tattoo that looks like it got redlined by a pedantic professor would make me very happy.

Just keep scratching them out. New one, new one. That would be fantastic. And look, some of our listeners are probably thinking, come on, Eli. There have to be dumber tattoos than this. And those listeners, you need to click the link in the show notes and look at this thing. It looks like a margin note

from the seven notebooks or something. It is awesome. It looks like a drunk chicken doing the electric slide at his nephew's bar mitzvah. And now, again, just to be clear, she has it on her wrist forever. Lovely.

And finally tonight, in Euroboros news, thanks to its own bigotry, the Church of England is currently running around in a circle with its tail in its mouth like a slow-witted nazi snake this week after realizing they accidentally tricked themselves into accepting gay marriage and trans people actually they did much like just about every other church they were already acting like a slow-witted Nazi snake. But this time, it's especially fun to watch because the reason for their latest spinny meltdown is their own list of stuff they hate conflicting with itself.

This story is delightful. And we've already had a story about sex-crazed pigeons on a path of destruction. Just to give you an idea of the scale we're starting at here. So, here's how the Church of England got there. First, they spent the last five centuries

listing stuff they hate and building bridges out of women to see if they know math. And they've been pretty much entirely focused on the list of hating ever since. Yeah. And it finally got too long and two of their items contradicted. They officially hate gay people and they officially don't even recognize the existence of trans people.

How does that, do you hear a voice? I don't hear anybody. I don't. Ridiculous. So when they marry a man and a woman and then one of those people realizes they're trans that means the church is stuck with either a condoning a same-sex marriage that they created and pretending trans people don't exist or b admitting that trans people exist and condemning sex damage. Oh, no. This is the best. All right.

Dave, Tiffany, new rule. We need you to pretend that she is dead. She's dead. Oh, my God. This is like the ending of war games if the bad guy was bigotry instead of a computer. Amazing. Yeah, just don't play Church of England

is the only solution. Right. So the church had two choices and as you might have guessed they went with option c evil robot malfunction so we got to watch him spin around just yelling must hate gay trans gay, and my face exploded. I tried to hate both. And then after the explosion, they went back and harumphily chose A. Their official policy is that same-sex marriages that include a trans person are cool, la, la, la, can't hear you, shut up. Because any other stance is impossible to explain in words because their giant list of bigotry made their hatred literally unthinkable not like the normal adjective unthinkable as in terrible it is but that's not what i mean like you can't physically think right yes and what's amazing is that they accidentally now have the

wokest position taken by a major church body yes in the uk we gotta do this with other stuff right we just call them up hey guys we just found out god is trans no no he isn't real church of not england all right well now that the church of england is sufficiently fleshed out its totem pole of bigotry. I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Foot surgery assassin. And when we come back, Eli will use that literary degree from NYU in a way that Albert Gallatin could never have seen coming.

Podcasts. Gallatin's a guy. As we approach the end of The Pearl of Great Price, which is just another way of saying as we start reading that short-ass excuse for a book, it occurs to us that in the modern day, most Christians don't actually get their theology from their holy books. Those have too many words in them. Instead, they get their religion from chicken soup for the soul style books with Jesus on the cover.

Of course, gluttons for punishment that we are we figured we should probably tackle a few of those as well so today we're going to break down one of the top apologetic authors in the world despite being really bad at making words happen so tell us eli who is hillary morgan farrow well according to her amazon bio hillary morgan farrow is the founder and mama bear in chief. Oh, there you go. I'm done. Of mama bear apologetics.

All right. I was already done, but I'm done again now. Swipe left. She feels a burden for providing accessible apologetics resources for busy moms. Hilary is the co-author

and general editor for the upcoming book Mama Bear Apologetics, empowering your kids to challenge cultural lies. Jews. Sorry, I said Jews. Available for pre-order

at Amazon, Target, and Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble's still a thing? I should note that the reason we chose this book was because at the time of searching, it was number one in the apologetics category on Amazon. Yeah.

She continues, quote, Hillary has her master's degree in biology from Clemson University. Her specialties are in scientific apologetics. Not a thing. Critiques of the Darwinian mechanism. Which is like saying you're an expert in gravity not working yep yep dealing with doubt okay that one i believe i believe that one sure yep and identifying causes and solutions for youth leaving the church i stop raping them she does not get into it there it is so let's get around to that one. Are we done? So I checked this out.

She actually does have her master's from Clemson, but I'm guessing her specialties come from her master's of science and religion from Biola University. Oh, yeah. Great school. University with a graduation rate and an acceptance rate that are both in the 60s. Oh, wow. God, that's even easier to get into than wharton back when trump went there seriously um masters of science and religion yeah she got it she bundled that's a degree yeah you gotta it's a twofer they had a a bogo going uh she concludes her bio she and her husband have been married for 12 years and minister

together as an apologetics team in the local church so you know what that means don't you uh their dinner parties are technically kidnapping they haven't fucked in at least eight years yes and yes but it also means it's time to play. Follow the money. It's time to play. Follow the money. It's my favorite game. Everyone in church is backed up by white supremacists and large charities. All right.

So on Hillary's Facebook page, she let us know that she worked for two 501c3exempt charities. The first one is the Women in Apologetics charity, which according to the charity lookup website I employed, sadly made no money this year. Yeah. Despite holding several events and speaking arrangements, etc., they just didn't make any money. I get it. Sometimes you make zero dollars on your giant church funded apologetics charity yeah no it happens yeah women in apologetics uh at least it's good to see women finally breaking that glass ceiling in the lying section but don't worry i know you're worried about her. If you go to her website and want to support Mama Bear Apologetics, you'll find that they actually operate under the umbrella charity of Faith and Learning International, whose income in 2017 was just over $3 million. Oh, wow. sending missions to Africa and Central America. Because nothing says mama bear like spending $3 million a year

changing other people's kids' religion. Am I right? Yeah. I love how much they spend sending missionaries to places that are already all Christian, right? Like Central America, really? You can make some Christians while you're there. Good.

But Eli, you say, is she a bigot? I mean, I would have put the words in a slightly different order. And not a question. There you go. Period at the end. Yeah, me too. I also wouldn't have put a period between you say and is she, but maybe that's just me. Yeah, sure.

Spoiler alert for the book. Yes. yeah sure uh spoiler alert for the book yes but literally the first thing that greets you on her website upon navigating to mama bear apologetics.com you are greeted by her latest podcast episode yes she's a fellow podcaster how to talk about pride month with your kids which really i listened to and is amazing. Okay. At the risk of turning this segment into God awful podcast, here is her own summary of the episode on the page for the episode. This is her God awful show notes.

Yeah, this is God awful show notes. Practical tips for addressing gay pride month with your kids. One, find out what they already know ask about the rainbow what is it what does it mean and what does culture juice say it means sorry juice i got a thing ask your kid if their teachers are still pretending indigo and violet are two different colors that's two educate about what the movement is why june is gay pride month some of the history and

frustrations that led to it coming about yes please tell your christian kids about the anti-gay gestapo tactics at the stonewall yes do that yeah no i i love the thought of some parent taking this one way too seriously they bust bust out a little chart with all the different positions two men can manage. A little pointer. Three, raising your kids in a countercultural world. We need to be living as if we are in Babylon. What? Drink plenty of liquids.

Make America Mesopotamia. There you go. Learn what culture was teaching them, but do not compromise your faith. E.g. Daniel, Shardach, Meshach, and Abdenego. Yeah. No, it's important your children learn about burning to

death for their religion. It's a weird first example. Thank you. Thank you for calling that up. You don't have to give up everything, but expect to be different. And then this is my favorite part of this. Oh, this is amazing. Yes. Exposure to germs helps the immune system attack foreign invaders. It is the same with faith. If we keep our kids away from any spiritual bacteria, then they won't be prepared for the onslaught of attacks in middle school high school and college i just you know sprinkle a little bit jewish hair in his food every morning inoculated she continues attacks are going to be attractive and convincing

we get it hillary you're gay. Train them early. Buy the mama bear book to help you. Yeah, right. No, nothing will help more than giving her money. Exactly. Also, final show note, dealing with people versus how we deal with biblical commands. Sometimes we can be unyielding with people and overly gracious to the point of compromise with Scripture.

In reality, we need to take hold of what is true, Scripture, but extend the graciousness of Christ as we witness to those who are not believers or are weaker slash newer believers. Yeah, translation, homophobic slurs should have a nice pleasant tone yes right right that's what we call the moral high ground all right so we're four pages into the book report i guess we should mention the book so this week we test eli with reading mama bear apologetics that's ferris flagship work so what were your first impressions eli jews um we literally are on the title page zero pages into this book before she lets us know she's used six different bibles for this book you know because of how inherent the word of god is because of the inerrancy. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Then in the acknowledgements, it says. This is the best. Right. If you're looking to read this book, you're probably thinking, wait a second. A lady reading and writing? What are their husbands thinking this? Yes. Don't worry.

She's got you covered. She says, quote, to start out with, we all want to thank our amazing husbands. Ready for white names? John, Todd, Howard, Bill, Lee, Kyle, and Mike. They really got a Kyle? Yep. That's a real list of names. I was waiting for a Jeeves in there. For the way they supported us during this project.

You put up with our late night Skype calls, our endless text chains, and the hours of writing and rewriting. We are honored to be called your beloveds. Each individually, not collectively. This isn't a cult. What? Wait, what? Yeah, you know who says this isn't a cult? A cult.

That's what cults say. And they're all clearly fucking. like, just be proud of it. Be a fucking sex cult. That's great. Fuck whoever you want. Own it. And of course, she wraps up the acknowledgments by thanking our Lord Jesus, without whom we would have nothing of substance to say.

I love it when Christians are accidentally correct, right no yeah there is no jesus and you have nothing of substance to say well done yeah so now it's time for the forward okay uh yeah this is the section that comes before the backward yeah according to the way in this case it is yeah it's by uh nancy piercey author of Love Thy Body. In case you don't know about Nancy Piercy, here's the blurb for Love Thy Body. In Love Thy Body, best-selling author

Nancy Piercy goes beyond politically correct talking points. Reed uses the n-word. To offer a riveting expose of the dehumanizing secularist ethos. Read Black Little Mermaid. That shapes the critical, moral, and sociopolitical issues of our day.

Formerly an agnostic, Piercy has been hailed in The Economist as America's preeminent evangelical Protestant female intellectual. What? Wait, wait. They have female, intellectual. What? Wait, wait. They have female rankings separate for that? Yeah, for intellectuals. She intellectualizes from the ladies' tees, really?

Yep. Fuck you. Yep. According to The Economist, she does. Fearlessly and with compassion, she makes the case that secularism denigrates the body and destroys the basis for human rights. Wait, fearless? Now I want to hear the lady that makes that case fearfully, though.

What? Throughout, Piercy sets forth a holistic and humane alternative available to all. One that offers authentic, reality-oriented solutions. The solutions are reality-adjacent. Yeah, they're oriented towards that.

Reality-like, if you will. These solutions embrace the dignity of the human body and provide a sustainable basis for unalienable human rights. Now, more than ever, we need to learn to love thy body. And yes, you bet your ass i added her book to the list of future bullshit we're gonna do right so she's doing the forward for the book and uh we start off with nancy letting us know that she abandoned her christian upbringing midway through high school because of the pressures of secular culture damn it

she got a little too adjacent with reality. It's a gateway drug. Here's the quote. At the public high school I attended, the teachers were secular. The textbooks were secular. And my friends were mostly

secular or Jewish. I did know a few Christians, but they were theologically liberal. When I visited their church, they stood in a circle, held hands hands and sang the civil rights anthem we shall overcome i was not impressed to end real quote i wanted real christianity none of that mlk weak sauce he's not a real christian that's a fucking gospel song but okay yeah right i know i can see why you

were offended by living in peace and not being afraid those are the only goddamn lyrics yeah if that was a real that's a real gospel song yes it's actually yeah that's what i mean she was specifically responding to mlk that was what yes Absolutely. And the blacks ruined that one for everybody. There's no other way to do that. They steal music from the white people sometimes, too. Yeah. That says she does want us to know that she had a daily Christian radio program called Breakpoint in the 90s. And the times they got the most audience interaction was when they talked about kids,

which she is super sure is a good thing. But Nancy knows what you're thinking. Sure. Apologetics is great. Who doesn't love it? But doesn't that require a penis? A penis? Nope.

That's what she knew you were going there. But no, quote, mothers are especially well equipped for this task. Why? Because effective apologetics requires empathy. You have to be willing to listen to the other side intently enough to understand where the questions are coming from. End quote. You know, just not intently enough that you can actually answer the questions. But you got to know. Exactly. Exactly. All right.

So now that we're five and a half pages into your book report, maybe we should talk about the stuff that comes after the table of contents. So how does she start off this one? Protecting your kids? The mama bear way. Oh, Jesus. Or as a real book would call it, introduction. The five word. Yeah.

So Hilly Morks opens up by telling us the very true and not at all made up story of Jodi. You guys ready for this story? Oh, yeah. Here we go. Quote. After her son got his first. I'm so sorry. This story is so funny.

This is a lie also. It's absolutely a lie. After her son got his first job post-college her world was turned upside down on a weekend visit he declared that he no longer believed in god he was following in the footsteps of his atheist boss who had convinced him that jesus was just like santa claus and the tooth fairy. You know, the gateway to atheism is your manager at Quiznos. Yeah, so mom, I'll tell you a story about this week at work. I was talking about the Kalam cosmological argument while I was marrying the Ketchups. But then Steve, the zucchini chopper, he really hammered home the idea that, you know, infinite

regress is a problem for both sides. And now I fuck you so uh jody does what all supportive christian mothers would do she freaks the fuck out quote jody a fitness instructor a little note for me there will never be a reason she gives us this information yeah i want you to picture jody hot though jody's jody who's had sex with a man, and literally had sex. So tight. Jody has had. Jody dove into the unfamiliar world of academia and Christian scholarship. Yeah, I don't even know if those worlds are familiar with each other or something.

Frantically searching for evidences that would refute her son's objections. Why was she frantic? Just calm down. Just relax. Just take it easy. You're flipping might. You can't even find him now. I threw up on another copy of Case for Christ.

Put your arms up over your head. There you go. Grow up one more time. I see you want to do it. Quote continues, She didn't ask for this task. She up one more time. I see you want to do it. Quote continues, she didn't ask for this task. She didn't want it, but her baby's eternal destiny

was in the balance. Exclamation mark. Balance. What else could a mama bear do? She saw the philosophical, this is so good. She saw the philosophical bulldozer crushing her son.

What? She jumped in with both hands as all mama bears do wanting to lift it off him so you know normal response to your kid losing religion you're acting like they're being um crushed by a a bulldozer? Yeah. Sorry. That's not how that works. A bulldozer would just like push her son along philosophically in the scoopy part. The philosophical scoopy blade thing. She's thinking of maybe a philosophical steamroller. Yeah, I think that's what she was going for. Which is also a stupid metaphor, just to be clear.

All right. And speaking of being clear, here's what we just learned. Jodi had never read anything about anything. Ever. She didn't know anything about anything. When her son started learning stuff, he realized that she had been wrong about the everything that she told him since she didn't ever read or know anything. So then, for the first time, she reluctantly learned stuff in a desperate effort to prove him wrong. So we're starting

where all great philosophical journeys begin, with the conclusion. Yes. Diving in with both hands like a mama bear. The old expression. Fighting a bulldozer. The both ends mama bear.

Anyway. But diving in like ass first with both feet not really and hurting yourself yeah exactly anyway hillary hears this story and she thinks shit i can make some fucking money off that uh which brings her to her bizarro worldview that if you teach them to look at everything from a biblical worldview they'll never see anything that disagrees with the bible here's the terrifying quote from that section quote culture's lies are like weeds that want to take over the garden of our children's minds the lies need to be stopped and they stop with you mama bear end quote wow End quote. Wow. The problem is how our brains are able to absorb information.

Right. Yes. Design was too intelligent. Too smart. Too smart. Another great quote here. And again, these are all real quotes. Quote, with enough practice, our children won't even have to think about the way they receive or reject various ideas or views espoused in our world.

Our goal is to keep our children from thinking we're the good guys. Yeah. Hey, welcome to the intro of this book. I'll teach you to make your kid not think. And then she ends on telling us to get ready to learn about culture's lies and hashtag roar like a mother. And look, I'm not saying if you're listening to this, you should tag a bunch of MILF porn on Twitter with that hashtag. But you should 100% do that.

Yeah, no, we're all, we are. And I already started. Definitely not just MILF porn. Also. All right. Well, it looks like we finally made it to chapter one, which means we're out of time for this week. So we'll have to leave it there. Where the problem it to chapter one, which means we're out of time for this week.

So we'll have to leave it there with a promise to pick up that thread soon on another installment of God Awful Book Reports. Before we double tap tonight, I want to remind you that there's still time to see us live in Virginia Beach at the end of this month. We're going to be recording a live episode of Godawful Movies, and there's still a few platinum night tickets left. So you can pre-screen the movie with us, eat a fancy dinner. You'll find links on the show notes for the whole thing. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies,

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously this would be a poor excuse for an episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for never backing down in the face of danger, I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for never shying away from a fight, and I need to thank the lovely in his own way Eli Posty for always providing ample moral support from a safe distance. Also, gotta thank Bethany and Larry

from the Humans Holler at News podcast for providing this week's ferns with quote. Incidentally, if you've been yelling at the news and you want some company, you'll find their show linked in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Christopher Todd, Pished Boy, and Luke, who are so skilled, Battletoads lie about having beaten them. Together, these four forthright fornicators

forewent formidable foreboding to fortify our fortunes this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage

at scathingadius.com. And if you'd like to help, but you can't do the money part, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and liking our Facebook page. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com.

It was my shoe on the chair making a farty sound. Morgan, I don't fart. I don't know what other people do, but I don't fart. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.