The Scathing Atheist - 335: Pearl Interrupted Edition

Episode Date: July 18, 2019

In this week’s episode, The president gets really confused by the “where” in “where you came from”, a GOP homophobe compares himself to a World War II hero and gay people to...Hitler, we think, and Iran will remind you why they didn’t name their country “I rock.” --- Come see us live in Virginia Beach! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-virginia-beach-tickets-63066905813 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Trump dog whistles and then directly says Ilhan Omar supports Al Qaeda: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/15/us/politics/trump-go-back-tweet-racism.html https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/15/us/politics/trump-fact-check-ilhan-omar.html?module=inline NC Lawmakers Reward Anti-Choice Group That Spent Taxpayer Funds Promoting God: https://rewire.news/article/2019/07/11/an-anti-choice-group-misspent-50000-on-religious-material-north-carolina-wants-to-give-it-400000-more/ Progressives Are Using #ThingsJesusNeverSaid to Point Out Right-Wing Hypocrisies: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/13/progressives-are-using-thingsjesusneversaid-to-point-out-right-wing-hypocrisies/ GOP candidate said undermining LGBT rights was like saving jews in WWII: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/10/gop-candidate-said-undermining-lgbtq-rights-was-like-saving-jews-in-wwii/ Kanye West Cites the Worst Book in the Bible as Inspiration for His Fashion Line: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/11/kanye-west-cites-the-worst-book-in-the-bible-as-inspiration-for-his-fashion-line/ Catholic televangelist inches toward sainthood after Vatican approves "miracle": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/10/catholic-televangelist-inches-toward-sainthood-after-vatican-approves-miracle/ Iranian Sentenced to 12.5 Years and 74 Lashes For Playing Metal Music: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/11/iranian-sentenced-to-12-5-years-and-74-lashes-for-playing-metal-music/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Godly wives must lose weight if their husbands call them fat: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/16/christian-mom-godly-wives-must-lose-weight-if-their-husbands-call-them-fat/ VA legislator: “If you really didn’t wanna get raped, you’d have had a gun” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/11/va-gop-legislator-women-who-get-raped-are-naive-since-theyre-not-carrying-guns/ Iranian government video is sexist because it’s Iranian government video: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/12/in-iranian-video-woman-in-fake-jewelry-store-learns-value-of-full-body-veil/

Warning, the language in this episode is pretty fucked up. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by hymns. And by Godawful Movies live in Virginia Beach on July 27th. If you don't come, we'll have watched Chuck Norris' son act for nothing. And now, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's July 18th. And it's World Listening Day. You are crushing it.

Yeah, right. Good job. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jared Kushner's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the president gets really confused by the where and where you came from. A GOP homophobe compares himself to a World War II hero and gay people to Hitler, I think. Yeah, and Iran will remind you that there's a reason they didn't name their country Iraq.

But first, the diatribe. You know what else works in mysterious ways? Almost all the shit that works. Seriously, if you get any more mechanically complex than like, I don't know, a can opener or so, I'm fucking baffled. Hell, I'm not even 100% sure I've got my head all the way around zippers. And I live in a world where almost everything is significantly more complicated than a zipper. That being said, I can say for absolute certain when a zipper isn't working right i mean i know we don't spend a lot of time on the mysterious ways apologetic on this show because it's basically too dumb to debunk right i mean the counter argument is literally

i'm pretty sure that would actually win you the point in a formal debate against this one so cataloging all the ways it fails to rise to the level of correct would damn near be like redlining the anachronisms in a Flintstones script. And sure, it's probably the most commonly employed apologetic in the Christian world, but it's almost never used as an actual argument, right? Like most of the time it's used as a get out of jail free card by Christians who just accidentally disproved the basic tenets of their faith by observing the known universe. You know, like two Christians would be talking about a friend of theirs that's had it really rough for a really long time,

and then just like another tragedy fell onto their already overburdened shoulders. And one of those people will accidentally point out that they believe a being exists that could not only prevent this, but had to actually intentionally do it for it to happen and then they stare at each other for a second in a cold sweat until somebody remembers to say the lord works in mysterious ways right like like if an atheist even hears it it's usually going to be like either at the end of an argument or the part the religious person who said it was hoping was going to be the end of the argument is the apologetics version of that long first syllable anyway that you use when you don't want to talk to that person on the phone

anymore any mysterious way i mean that's the actual construction of the argument right the argument here to the extent that there really is an argument is well i guess we're all too dumb to understand this which to be fair is usually at least half right, but pointing out how mysterious God is can only really serve to disqualify everyone in the room from the conversation. None of us are smart enough to comment on the nature or intention of God is how I know he's benevolent and loves me and has my best interests in mind and exists. Now, I don't think anybody who ever used this term actually bought it, right? Architects work in mysterious ways, too. But if, you know, if they asked a guy who just built their house why that door doesn't go anywhere, pointing that out probably won't end the conversation.

Generally speaking, there is no relationship between the mysteriousness of one's ways and the need for your actions to make sense. Right. If there's a severed finger in my salad, yes, the chef works in mysterious ways. That much is obvious. It's a prereed finger in my salad, yes, the chef works in mysterious ways. That much is obvious. It's a prerequisite to this thought experiment. But pointing that out isn't going to earn any extra stars on the Travelocity review. And therein lies the problem, right? Because as hard as it is, we can all probably come up with some explanation for why a finger might be in my salad that wouldn't require malice.

We could even come up with a way that it actually was to my benefit. A mute, immobile guy realized at the last second that that salad was poison, so he chops off his own finger and drops it in the salad as the waiter passes. A bit of an extreme solution, granted, but now the guy who put the finger in my salad is actually helping me, just like when God gave that lady cancer right after she started to recover from the deaths of her three children in that car accident. We don't know all the circumstances right we can't say for sure that god wasn't saving her from some worst fate except that we can because again the rebuttal here really is nah i mean first of all the nine-fingered salad dude wasn't omnipotent right he was immobile and

mute omnipotent guy can't have a limited range of choices that's because he's omnipotent, right? He was immobile and mute. Omnipotent guy can't have a limited range of choices. That's because he's omnipotent guy, right? But even if he wasn't, the argument would still fail. Even if you put a bunch of restrictions on God, you still have to accept that some situation exists where the best possible option is killing three kids and giving a lady cancer, right? Keeping in mind that this assumes a previous situation where the best possible option was to invent cancer and car accidents. And as impossible as this is to believe, theists seem happy to make themselves believe it anyway.

And that's what makes it worth talking about. See, usually when we do counter-apologetics on this show, it's because some of their arguments can be tricky the first time you hear them, right? They rely on unfounded assumptions about biology, physics, philosophy, whatever. And to really refute them, you need to know whatever obscure section of science they fucked up to get there. So we figure, you know, we'll help you out with that. We can familiarize you with the arguments and the common rebuttals. And so when you encounter them, you'll be prepared.

But seeing as how we've already established that you got the earbuds into the right orifices to get this far, you obviously don't need any help repudiating the desperate wisp of an argument we're talking about here. But it's still worth reminding ourselves what the logical conclusions of it are. To accept that an omnipotent benevolent God is in control of the universe, you have to accept that there's some possible exculpatory datum that could make it okay to invent cancer. And if this was just some weird nuance way down the logic chain of the argument that Christians never really noticed

because they didn't get that far, it probably wouldn't be worth spending an entire diatribe on. But when you see how cancerous they're willing to be to get what they think is right, it's worth reflecting on what that belief does to your psyche. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the pinky and brain to my the Heath Enright and Eli Bostic. Fellas, are you ready to do what we do every night? Try to take over the dollop. Come on, those guys? I'm sorry, did they get mentioned on uprox.com

yes they did damn it way higher than us it wasn't ranked it wasn't numbered but it was clear what they were trying to do I think we all know no one just googled comedy podcast

well I guess we have some battle lines to draw apparently so we're going to pause for a word from our sponsor this week hymns hello welcome to typical hair replacement solution you were never here how can i help you oof yeah i'm not sure about the accent what is eastern european totally valid target for humor is it yeah is Yeah. He's holdover from Cold War. Is it? Yeah. Okay. People are okay. Yeah.

All right. Well, moving on. So I'm here about hair loss. Ah, so you go to 4hims.com. Nope. I came here. But what's 4hims.com? 4hims.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.

And this here is a recently converted Cinnabon. Right, right. But I mean, that stuff online, that's fake, right? Actually, for hims dot com offers prescription solutions backed by science. Just like you, right? Yes. I mean, we are backed by a science. Just like you, right? Yes. I mean, we are backed by a science.

A science? That's a weird qualifier. But legally necessary. Yeah. Right. But at least it's cheaper, though. No, no, no, no. It's much more expensive and I am not doctor. With 4hims, you answer a few quick questions, a doctor will

review, and if they determine it's right for you, they can prescribe you medication to treat hair loss that is shipped directly to your door. Wow. So, I don't have to drive out here and visit you in between a K-Jewelers and a PacSun? No. I could avoid that? You could have avoided that, yeah. And if you wanted to order now, our listeners can get started with the HIMS Complete Hair Kit for just $5 right now while supplies last. And subject to doctor's approval. See website for full details and safety information.

This could cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy somewhere else. Go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash scathing. 4hims.com slash scathing. Forims dot com slash scathing. Okay, that sounds good, but, you know, I'm here now, so let's do your thing, I guess. Good. Before I start, are you allergic to yaks? Um, no. Okay, I really need you to be sure before we do this.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Donald trump sent out a series of tweets last weekend telling a very specific non-specific group of congresswomen that they should go back to their shithole countries and if you read the tweet after clicking on the invisible link to a very high-pitched whistling noise that translates into Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib are terrorists. And probably AOC for having, I don't know, a similar shade of

tan. And you know what? Also Ayanna Pressley, because why the fuck not? Look at that fucking, that's a terrorist name, come on. Okay. Heath, as you know, I recently removed myself from the social internet, so I did not read these tweets. But I just want to say it's working great so far. Is it? Yeah. Okay. It's going really well. All right. So I'm not on Twitter anymore. Here's the relevant parts of the tweets we got from Trump. Quote, so interesting to see,

quote, progressive capitalized Democrat Congresswomen who originally came from countries whose governments are a complete and total catastrophe. Well, but three of them are from here. So correct. He is correct. So now loudly and viciously telling the people of the United States how our government is to be run. Why don't they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came? Then come back and show us how it's done.

End quote. Easy for him to say he can't go back to where he's from because hell isn't real. I just to me like the worst part of this is the stupidity behind that, like the impetus, right? Like, yeah, what gives these bitches the right to represent a district of American voters apportioned by population is determined through a decennial fucking census. Yeah, he doesn't know 90% of those words. So, again, Trump's very clearly directing these comments at Omar, Tlaib, AOC and Presley. And in case it wasn't clear based on them being u.s congress people

they're all american yeah uh-huh that's what their nationality is right now and all of them except omar were born in the u.s she was born in somalia she moved here when she was 10 not yeah right you know exactly so i was waiting to hear a response from from aoc with something like oh okay great thanks donald trump so i went back to new york city where i'm from you too now i get to tell you how to run the country great here's a giant list starting with resign in disgrace right but uh aoc and these other congresswomen are way classier than I am. So they responded with something much more dignified. But it still basically said, go fuck yourself. And also we brought you some white burka fabric back from Somalia just in case you want to make a hoodie or something.

Or, you know, put it on your kid. Watch him get shot by a cop. Maybe then you'll get it. I don't know, Donald. We'll try new things. kid watch him get shot by a cop maybe then you'll get it i don't know donald we'll try new things so just in case anyone wanted to accuse me of assuming the president was being a bigot here he clarified a couple days later yeah i was definitely being a bigot as a follow-up to this whole thing he decided to mention ilan omar by name and claim she loves Al Qaeda.

I put the actual quote in here, but Trump said it out loud this time instead of tweeting. And he's not really familiar with the subject predicate model of communication. So it's just a series of sentence fragments being interrupted by another unrelated sentence fragment. That's how he talks. But the basic idea was i've never met elon omar he said that but i have lots of white christian friends who troll her and they told me she said i love al qaeda during an interview she did not that is the opposite of what she said about al qaeda actually but she did use the words al and qaeda so i can

understand their confusion i guess here's a little pro tip for you guys you got to check that predicate it's it's pretty important it's usually the verby part right after the subject not always but that's just you know good rule of thumb see See, here's the problem, though, Heath. You can't use sentences to teach them how to sentence. Toll Tyler has a really fucking hard job, I'm just saying. Predicate. Give that poor guy a cheese plate. So, bottom line, I'd love for the Trump family to go back to Germany, where they came from. Maybe they would get the hint of their own message here.

But the scary part is they might want to do it depending on which part of German history we're talking about. So. And in oversight overlook, what's the difference news tonight? Republican legislators in North Carolina learned recently that a state funded organization had misappropriated some fifty thousand dollars of taxpayer money, earmarked to reduce maternal and infant mortality, to buy blatantly religious propaganda meant to discourage women from getting abortions. And also just some regular Christian propaganda. And upon hearing that, they said, well, hell, that's not enough. So in their most recent budget, the state GOP voted to give the same group four hundred thousand dollars to misappropriate next time all right that's it now you guys have to spend the whole bag of money right yes wait they would do it right not a lot of times you

can say to yourself gee i wish they'd just stolen this money intended for mothers and their children yeah right right exactly all right so obviously there's a lot of shit to digest in this story gee, I wish they'd just stolen this money intended for mothers and their children. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. All right. So obviously there's a lot of shit to digest in this story, but here's the main takeaway. If you need a couple hundred grand, move to North Carolina, put up a website about Jesus hate and abortion and apply for a government grant. Trust me, this is the blackmailing Jeffrey Epstein of 2020, folks, because according to a recent expose on Rewire, the anti-abortion churches basically had a running contest over who could more blatantly violate federal law in their state funded expenditures.

And they all won. They did. They did. And that contest actually started in 1776. Well, it did. Yeah. And again, this was government money intended to go to like diapers and formula to women who can't afford like the irony is so thick republicans don't

think you should legally be allowed to abort it that's not not very thick actually all right so one more amazing example comes out of asphal where some bullshit crisis pregnancy center called mountain area pregnancy services or maps whose website talks about the infallibility of the Bible on the homepage. And and, by the way, requires volunteers to make a profession of faith in Jesus Christ was given a quarter million dollar grant. wildly unprepared for that that they could ultimately only take about 46 grand because they couldn't even like think of shit they could pretend they were going to do with the other 200 000 we we do have one more line on the budget and then there's a line item right here it just says thoughts though yeah right are thoughts expensive what's how much is a thought it seems like they are and again just a reminder for those who don't know,

Crisis Pregnancy Center's entire purpose is to trick women into not having abortions by pretending to provide abortions. Yep, exactly, exactly. Which is illegal all by itself if you do it in any other industry. Yep, and initation need to do tonight progressive christians stuck to twitter this week with good intentions and a hashtag full of lies

leaving it to grumpy old atheists like us to once again make ourselves the villain by pointing out what jesus would do yeah uh yeah and the answer is this right now he'd do 2019 right now he's doing this if you think jesus is god by definition so to their credit the hashtag things jesus never said did have some funny responses including uh before i heal you i'm gonna need proof of private insurance love thy neighbor by putting them in cages and my favorite hashtag anything nice about mike pence let's get jeffrey epstein into nyu so he can become wealthy and successful yeah that's that's a real thing that that's where he went but i want to be super clear here like jesus was worse on all of those things right like jesus turned that canaanite mother down three times that bitch had insurance, right?

It was her kid. He expressly endorsed the book that said, you know, smash the kids' heads into rocks because it frees up cage space. Right? He endorsed that to the jot and tittle. And all the worst shit about Mike Pence is directly from the goddamn Jesus book. That's just Christ-like stuff. Right. And look, I know that's just Christ like stuff. Right. And look, I know that's not the point of the hashtag.

The point of the hashtag is to point out the hypocritical nature of pretending that Christianity means being kind and loving to everybody all while doing bad things in the name of Christianity. Except that's not how Christianity works. of Christianity, except that's not how Christianity works. Like, in fact, one might venture that the defining characteristic of most Americans' Christianity is a focus on not having to do nice things to get to heaven. Yeah, right, right, right. And when you say most, it's like the other ones, their main focus is hating gay people and shit. Right, like, look, the fact that your top three good hashtags were all so fucking wrong

they accidentally gave biblical justification to the worst shit about evangelicals is a pretty good demonstration of this fact. Right. But that said,

we don't want to offer problems and not solutions, so we here at The Scathing Atheist are pleased to present a brand new segment. What Would Jesus Do? the scathing atheists are pleased to present a brand new segment what would jesus do uh give me one second i want to grab a fig from this tree oh sure yeah god seriously

nothing fuck you tree may you never ever grow fruit again. Ever. Fuck you. Okay. What would Jesus do? Y'all ready for dinner? Yeah, let's eat. Okay. You gonna wash your hands? Hey, fuck you. Did you kill your kids with a mouth off?

Do you know? Then suck my dick. Fuck you. What would Jesus do? mouthed off do you know then suck my dick fuck you what would jesus do and the best thing about him is he's so humble wow really look i am the son of god if you don't believe in me you'll never go to heaven how the hell or who the hell are you to tell me this coupon is expired there he is isn't he great no someone let me wash their feet next up in headlines so um you guys remember when the republican party blatantly cheated the democratic process yep um. Sorry, no,

vague, obviously. It happened within the last year, the one I'm talking about. Yep. Sorry, yep, still vague. In North Carolina. Wow, okay, yep, still not being clear. This is tricky. The thing when they disenfranchised

a whole bunch of black people? Nope, still not there. Wow. Not the gerrymandering thing. We've talked about that. That's not what I mean this time. I'm talking about when GOP candidate Mark Harris hired a political operative named L. McRae Dowless Jr. to do anything that ever gets done by somebody named L.ccray thank you thank you yes few people have ever been excluded from the medical profession earlier in life yeah right well in this case

talking about a giant campaign of stealing absentee ballots from democrats in the ninth district and then tearing them up and mixing them with peanut butter to feed Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Well, Harris decided he couldn't run again because of his health. Yeah, right. No, exactly. He was not feeling very healthy. There he is. You getting better? You feeling all right? No? All right. Well, you're not running again. So now we're getting a special election in September between Democrat Dan McCready and new Republican candidate Dan Bishop. And Dan Bishop thinks he's a hero for helping the Christian right dehumanize the LGBT community. You know, just like Oscar Schindler.

He's that kind of hero. And I'm not, Bishop really said that. Yep, he did. Also, he looks like if Better Call Saul was based on a real guy. Honestly, he does. He looks like he should be named L. McRae Dallas Jr.

That's accurate. Yeah, so I'm really not exaggerating about this Holocaust hero comparison in a series of emails that were recently uncovered by a public records request. Bishop bragged about helping enforce anti-trans bathroom bills. And he also proposed a conscience clause to be included in state law that would help guarantee Christian business owners the right to have hetero-only retail stores. And then on that email chain, a Christian lawyer asked about which businesses in particular would be allowed to violate basic human rights like that. Would it just be bakeries or how would it go? And Bishop responded,

Would it just be bakeries or how would it go? And Bishop responded, quote, real, real quote. As Oscar Schindler said, as many as we can, end quote. To which the lawyer replied, hey, Dan, whatever you do, never forward this or reply all these emails to anybody. OK, yeah, yeah. Click. So quick, quick note here man that's also what the opposite of oscar schindler was saying at the time right like shouldn't have to explain this but we don't revere him simply based on his commitment to quantity in general that's the big numbers guy right oscar schindler

a lot he said a lot i'm saying a lot same Yeah. So it wasn't already clear that Dan McCready, the Democrat who didn't cheat, should should win the election because he won the election. Right. This information about his new opponent should really be the clincher, but not in North Carolina. No. Apparently, Dan Bishop is still slightly ahead in the polls. He's still somehow in the lead, despite claiming he's the Oscar goddamn Schindler of the anti-Christian Holocaust that we have in America. And despite thinking email is made of like physical objects. So when he printed up all those emails and tore them up and mixed them with peanut butter to feed Sarah Huckabee Sanders, turns out they still existed in real life in the Internet thingy. That being said, the Supreme Court just ruled that democracy is Nazi Thunderdome. Yes, right. Hey, Keith, be fair.

Nazi Thunderdome is way, way more democratic than the current supreme court and will be for like 40 years you mean that's the thing is you you're technically right you know say what you will about thunderdome but at least in there a gay person has a shot right theoretically yeah well thanks to all that thanks supreme court regardless of the result in north carolina nine the state's black community is going to get less than three-fifths of their fair voting powers my guess also just to reiterate in bishop's analogy he's oscar schindler and gay people are hitler yes running for u.s congress this is a person running for u.. Congress and in the lead in the polls.

And on that disturbing note, which I can really use as a throw from any of our stories, we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage.

Sorry I missed you guys last week. A bunch of women want a thing, so I had to spend the week hearing about how unimpressive they are compared to men. But I'm back. A few interesting stories have stacked up in my inbox while I was gone, so we'll start with a recent one. while I was gone, so we'll start with a recent one. Astute listener Dana pointed me to a friendly atheist article about a new video that was recently endorsed by the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps. In the video, a cartoon Iranian lady is shopping in a jewelry store

dressed like a slut, by which I mean wearing only a long-sleeved shirt with a neckline to the chin, an ankle-length skirt, and an additional cloth covering all the non-face parts of her head. Her eyes, nose, hands, and wrist are naked. Anyway, she looks at a necklace and asks the shopkeeper if the jewels in it are real. He gives her a knowing mansplaining smile and admits that it's fake. If it had actual value, it would be hard to access, like her vagina. Get it? No, seriously,

that's the message. After that, we see her wearing a full it? No, seriously, that's the message. After that, we see her wearing a full body covering and she says, I realized I had to make a change. Because if she didn't cover her upper lip, she was basically just asking rapists to defile her. Which is not just a fucked up message to send, but it's also a fucked up message to take away from this video.

Boobs under a burka aren't any harder to steal than ones under a shirt. If you took the video to heart, the logical conclusion would be to walk around in an electrified shark cage. Doesn't matter what you're wearing under that. Anyway, I also had a bunch of people share stories with me about my arch nemesis, Lori Alexander, writing on a blog post about how godly women have to lose weight if their husbands call them fat. Because apparently she realized there was a type of psychological and sexual abuse she hadn't expressly endorsed yet. But to be fair, I'm pretty sure this is as close as I've ever been to agreeing with her. If Noah called me fat, I'd lose about, oh, 160 pounds to husband, and I wouldn't even need protein shakes for it.

But enough about her, there's another bitch I want to rip a new vag into tonight. And that would be Virginia State Senator Amanda Chase, who took to the interwebs to explain rape prevention so poorly that Iranian cartoon got embarrassed. Because according to Chase, the reason women get raped is because they aren't carrying guns. That's right. In the post, she said that women got raped because they were, quote, naive and unprepared, end quote. Then assured people that she was packing heat and therefore unrapable. Now, don't get me wrong. I can't imagine any way that adding a gun to the situation could make a rape worse. But she's completely ignoring that most rapists are men the victim knows and trusts.

So unless she's suggesting women should fire warning shots at all the guys that they don't want to fuck at this time, she's entirely uninformed on how preventing crime works, which is doubly scary since basically her entire job is to not be that. And now that you've been reminded why I need a week off from talking about this shit now and again, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in wearing your Kanye best news tonight, millionaire philanthropist and lawyer Kim Kardashian's husband, Kanye West, made headlines this week when he said

in an interview that his new fashion line is inspired, at least in part, by the book of Leviticus. What? The new anti-gay pogrom tracksuit all frills one substance yeah no i could see that i was thinking of a jacket that doubles as a noose for when he realizes he has tattoos yeah maybe so close in an interview with forbes

slavery's a choice this is what uh yeezy had to say about his biblical inspirations. Quote, should I do a voice? I don't want to do that. Do not do a voice. Why do you even ask? All right, fine, fine. Won't do a voice. I'll be working on home designs and looking at references from 3000 years ago and reading

the Old Testament at the same time. So it's like a soundtrack to the visuals, and the shapes, and the ideas, and the ideals of what we're creating. A lot of my creative friends, I tell them, like... Ideas and ideals, he just like, he was like, oh, those are similar, I'm going to throw both in.

This is same-ish word. We're creating ideals. A lot of my creative friends, I tell them, like, the Bible is better than Pinterest. You can bring something into space and time we exist in while reflecting thousands of years of truth. End quote. Trying to get these Pinterest ideas into the dimensions of space time and don't fucking fit.

Hand me that Bible. What's going on here? He's so unfamiliar with the concept of reading that he thinks you can do it in the background like a soundtrack. But, you know, look, most of us don't need a place to go or a process to think of shapes, Kanye, you know, on account of them being like top three most common examples of a priori knowledge. But whatever it takes for you man you do you also i checked pinterest and pinterest hardly ever condones slavery so i'm gonna have to disagree with this wrong all the way across the board yeah uh he continues quote i remember sending a manager i

used to work with a really rude email about how every time he wore this wool jacket with leather sleeves he set culture back by 10 years. Okay, yeah. So now I can send him the verse from the Bible that says, you should not wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of materials. Does he think leather is cloth, first of all? But regardless, yeah, grown adults should definitely stop wearing their varsity jackets from when their lives peaked in high school. But Leviticus isn't the reason for that, idiots.

Yeah. Heath, look, the Bible is right, damn it. If you insist on it being right on purpose, we're going to be here all fucking day. All right. Next up in headlines. All right. Next up in headlines. According to Pope Francis, we have a new candidate who's up for beatification, which is a major step in getting official sainthood. Get the fuck excited.

New candidate. You know I am. My fantasy sainthood league has been, shall we say, stagnant, to say the least. I've been killing it. Stagnant, to say the least. I've been killing it. And the latest nomination for the weird Hall of Fame that they have is Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. Fulton Sheens!

Fulton Sheens, indeed. He is a longtime televangelist who helped save the life of a stillborn child back in 2011. Itty. We'll get there. No, but we will get there. So this all happened 32 years after Fulton J. Sheen died in 1979. Oh, okay, so I asked too quickly. Yeah, we got there. But by the way, that's actually a plus, the thing where he died way before this. To become a full saint, you have to perform two verified miracles.

And they don't count if you're alive when you do the miracle. Seriously, that's the rule. Well, one of them. Fun fact, because of this rule, the craziest and most half-assed miracles are enshrined in Catholic doctrine. They are amazing. Right, yeah, when they definitely want somebody to be a saint, you end up with shit like that time that Aquinas wanted some fish then bought some. Had fish.

No, he didn't even have them. He changed his fucking mind. That's fine. I could have had fish, miracle. Pepsi was okay. Thomas Aquinas is insane. Yeah. Okay.

So here's the story of the first miracle that they're looking at for Fulton Sheen. So there's a lady from Illinois named Bonnie Engstrom, and her son James was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Apparently, he wasn't breathing and had no pulse for 61 minutes, but right before the doctors declared him dead, his heart started up again. And according to the account from Mrs. Engstrom, it was all thanks to a dead archbishop. She actually wrote an article about this for catholic.org. And the story is basically like, yeah, so I'm in the middle of watching a bears game my stupid water breaks so i gotta go to the hospital i shoot out the kid i'm hoping to get back for the fourth quarter you know it was a close game but he chokes himself like an idiot

because it was too fast for him i don't know he wasn't paying attention to the bears game thing that's important so anyway the doctors do this extremely advanced intensive care thing blah blah blah i said the name fulton sheen out loud three times and he made my baby start breathing again am i done now i gotta go die from one of those lady heart attacks and uh one other detail on bonnie angstrom according to that article she wrote she has another kid who did die she she has a dead child on top of this so fulton sheen just didn't like that one i guess yeah the sainthood candidate has the same rules for dying kids as spider-man has for web saves apparently everybody gets one that's it well also this just occurred to me if we accept that the

vatican is buying what the vatican is selling they could double the number of miraculously saved babies by upping the minimum quota on sainthood and they don't and uh just the context in addition to the verified miracles the official policy for catholic sainthood says that a saint is anyone in heaven whether recognized on earth or not no idea what the fuck that means who forms quote the great cloud of witnesses. Again, no idea. But that's the rule from Hebrews 12.1. So apparently the Vatican has a dedicated team in charge of deciding whether or not a person meets all the criteria. So they pick a person, in this case Fulton Sheen.

They all go around the table being like yeah this guy definitely feels witnessy and cloudy i don't know but now that it's 2019 and we have like detailed records of stuff they have to just make shit up extra extra hard to find saints so they're like yep a mom who recently had lidocaine and fentanyl injected directly into her spinal cord said a dude's name three times yeah correctly recounted her story that's an obvious candy man situation he's a saint that's official i'm just saying we didn't even get the call for devil's advocate on this one i feel no i feel like that chick's second kid has it covered so yeah we'll be fine and finally tonight in haramstein news our one iranian listener yeah i couldn't use that one for later you'll see why uh who constantly writes me to tell me how i've got his country all wrong and

they're actually way more progressive than women aren't allowed to watch soccer in public would suggest just watch this boulder roll back to the bottom of the fucking hill this week after the iranian government sentenced a dude to 12 and a half years in prison and 74 lashes for anything right like i'm gonna tell you what the dumb fucking thing was but let's's be clear up front. I'm going to hit you 74 times with a stick is a barbaric fucking punishment, regardless of the crime, right? What if the crime was hitting someone 73 times with a stick? That's a good one.

He's got you there. Nope. Still just barbaric. Anyway, it was for playing heavy metal music. And the Iran nuclear deal got scrapped. So it's not clear if that means enriched uranium music it would make the punishment a little less barbaric i guess okay so iran publishes somebody horrendously for non-crime isn't exactly a news item or anything

but given the current state of geopolitics vis-a-vis iran and the u.s and given the administration's incompetence i fear it falls to the nation's podcasters to bring our international relationships back for the break. So in an effort to keep the peace between American music and Iranian religious authorities, we are pleased to present a long awaited and much anticipated return of 30 seconds on the clock. Halal metal bands. Go.

Slipknot showing your face. That's really good. Mecca death. Halalus in chains. There we go. Halalus Cooper. Awesome. Mortar head.

Black Juma is too much of a deep cut i feel like okay um i.e.d.o oh all right um judas imam nice uh coranthrex all right at the risk of taking each other's answers pissing off andrew i'm gonna go off genre hadith cab for cutie how are there no fucking well-known heavy metal bands that start with death god damn it all right well i got one more um benghazi osborne all right well eli and i are once more defeated by heath's legendary pun fu i guess we can close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always and when we come back we'll see if we can't still get store credit for this overpriced pearl so what did you say i said look if you're

gonna arrest me you might as well let me finish? Because you're arresting me for the crime, right? And did she? No! What? Right? Wow. Guys, what are you doing? We've got to get in the car for the Virginia Beach show. Eh. Yeah, we're not sure we want to go. What? We're the show. You have

to go. Eh. What's the movie about? Oh, dude, it's amazing. China knocks america's power grid and takes over and then starts hunting down all the christian people okay okay but who made it literally info wars and chuck norris's son oh the forbidden norris well i mean it sounds pretty good it sounds pretty good uh what's it called? Amerageddon. Oh, do they get close to spelling that word right? No, not even a little. All right. We are in. I'm also in. I'm in. Yes. All right. And get in the car. Yeah. Shame everybody can't

come, though. Oh, they can. There are still tickets available through the link on the show notes. So what about the manager of the chucky cheese well they're the ones who called the cops no i'm telling you yeah it's the worst memorial day well the time has finally come to polish off the pearl of great price and i gotta be honest i haven't been looking forward to this moment. It's not that I've enjoyed the book or anything. It's just that there's no longer any way to disguise from you how little holy book we were willing to commit to this time around. So, yeah, it's five books, you know, all of them short by minor profit standards.

Right. Yeah, exactly. The last one is an overlong paragraph, and that's what we're going to be talking about tonight. I'm just saying, guys, we can all start reading Mama Bear Apologetics. We can all join in now. Here is a great... Nope. Love the word can.

You are correct. I am busy with Atlas Shrugged. Of course. Lucinda wouldn't even be on this segment if we weren't also joined by my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Don't worry, Noah. I'm melanin at this point, too.

Yeah, right. It's the last one. I only had to come up with six. So, all right. Basically, what we're getting here this time is Joey getting jealous of the Catholics for having that really cool, we believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth thing. So he decided he wanted one of his own but it's joseph smith so of course it's unoriginal verbose repetitive

and stupid i i'm surprised it didn't close with and it came to pass that ancient american jews had solar panels just so he could get all his best shit into the encore final article of faith if you'll all reach under your chair. You get a blowjob robot. Right, and for this segment to fill any showtime at all, we basically have to read

the 13 articles of faith. Verbatim. Yeah, that's right. 13, damn it. 8.5% more articles than those cheap-ass Catholics. Yes. I love this, if only for the bitchy one-upsmanship. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly.

Right? Oh, I'm sorry. How many articles of faith? Oh, yeah. No, that's great. That's good for you. Super good. Yep.

Article 13. Catholicism is the JV cult. That's good. So. Article 13, Catholicism is the JV cult. So article one, we believe in God, the eternal father and in his son, Jesus Christ and in the Holy ghost. Yeah. And honestly, at this point, I got hopeful because, but for some biographical stuff about Jesus, he basically just knocked out Catholic articles one through eight, right? Yeah. He was in a hurry. Yeah. Article one, infinity times infinity. All right. First things first. We also believe that one equals three,

which also equals pi. Fuck. Ah, no follow up questions about math. I have follow up questions about math. You have. Seriously. Okay.

Well, what's your ethnicity there's not quite an article for that one i guess it's kelly ann conway literally did that yesterday all right so then there's article two we believe that men will be punished for their own sins not for adam's transgressions uh i love that jo Joey gets two sentences in before his articles basically say, we believe that Baptists are fucking this all up. Yep. Hey, Protestants, bring it in. Bring it in.

Quick little tip. If Mormons and Catholics have the moral high ground. All right. Then we get article three. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind can be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. So Nephi is in hell? Also, could somebody please tell Joey you can't have conditional clauses

on both sides of your conclusion? You almost have the picture of Mble in that last part about obedience. Once all the people start nodding. Goodness and kindness to all men. And I get to fuck your daughter. Wait, what? I said goodness and kindness to all men. You got to listen.

What's your ethnicity? All right. So then we get article four. Get ready for the wishing for more wishes of 13 bullet point lists we believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are first faith in the lord jesus christ second repentance third baptism by immersion for the remissions of sin fourth laying on hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. Okay, well, at the very least, that's four articles. Right, yes, exactly.

Mormons are so fucking bureaucratic, their articles of faith have a subsection 4C. Okay, but question about this. What if you get baptized, but I repented and also had an elder fondle me with the laying of hands? Who's a better Mormon at that point? That's interesting. They need a weighing system. I repented and also had an elder fondle me with the laying of hands. Who's a better Mormon at that point? That's interesting. They need a weighing system. You would think that the book would cover that.

Yeah, okay. So then there's Article 5. We believe that a man must be called of God by prophecy and by laying on of hands by those who are in authority to preach the gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. So Mormons are like vampires? Yes, only, yeah, exactly. That was my takeaway. Okay, yep. Yeah, that's valid. I mean, you definitely don't invite them inside the house.

Right. Keep them on that front porch. They'll be there forever. I love how blatant this is. We believe that the only person who can really say what's what is the guy writing this sentence right now. Yep, the only person who can really say what's what is the guy writing this sentence. Yeah. And the guys he says can say what's what.

Yeah. I wanted one guy to just be like, oh, so as long as I write something down that I and and laying of hands also hitherto for known as dibs. I'm actually shocked that dibs doesn't make it under their list okay by article six joey's getting bored he goes we believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church namely apostles prophets pastors teachers evangelists and so forth so forth so yep really gonna leave a dangling et cetera in the summary of your holy beliefs? Yes, he will.

That et cetera turns out to be super important. Right, but who would that be? What's the so forth? Pastors, teachers, evangelists, white people in groups, white guy by himself. Like the primitive church. Fucking Steve, the ethnic looking white guy.

What? Like what? So just in case this wasn't insane enough for you, we also get Article 7. say it enough for you we also get article 7 we believe in the gifts of tongues prophecy revelation visions healing interpretation of tongues and so forth how the fuck is there so forth what other items might logically be added to that list yes right visions healing speaking speaking in tongues really good guessing good taste in flatware one potato two potato I don't know

yeah the most curious part of the sentence is the way that it implies that there is an overriding category at the end it was like a reveal it's like Joe was learning a card trick but he didn't have it down yet so he didn't want to include it and anything else that might come up does it look like one card but they believe in

more crazy things by 6 a.m than most people do all day very important yeah right no it's good that they include that all right now we're over halfway guys uh here's article eight we believe the bible to be the word of god as far as it's translated correctly we also believe the book of mormon to be the word of god note that there are no translation caveats on that last one nope it's perfect regardless of the language yeah exactly unconditionally on that one. Article 8, the perfect book says the maybe perfect book got translated good, or pretty good, or meh,

and so forth. Well, again, so many of these work better if you imagine mumbling through certain clauses like, we believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it's translated clinically. Also, the Book of Mormon, obviously, has the word of God, as far as it's translated clinically. Also, the Book of Mormon, obviously, that's the word of God, too. What?

Did you say fatal events? All right. So then there's Article 9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal, and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God. All right. So we believe all the lies I have told, all the lies I'm now telling,

and whatever bullshit I come up with later. Exactly. So forth. Yeah, right. This is fucking amazing. They literally have a blank space in their articles of belief where they can write in more shit later. This is the Amway contract of Holy Scripture, guys.

Look, if we've learned anything from this book and Mormonism, it's that other religions are too damn specific. Am I right? Yeah, we're also pretty sure God is going to be cool with AR-15 at least for the white people in Utah. It's a living document. Alright, double digits, y'all.

You can just smell the validation from here. Article 10. Get ready for another big dose of crazy. We believe in the literal gathering. Nope. Nope. Already know. Yes.

Whatever's next is insane. Guaranteed. Correct. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the ten tribes that Zion, the new Jerusalem, will be built upon the American continent, that Christ will reign personally upon the earth, and that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Yep, there it is. I just, I love that somebody maybe wandered into the church early on before anybody knew what Mormonism was. They're like, hey, a Christian church. They start going through these articles of belief or whatever. He's nodding along.

Okay, yeah, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, pretty standard. Got to punishment pretty quick. Okay, but sure, right? I'm sorry. Where the fuck am I? Did you say the American continent? The Mormons are all just like, come on, you made it this far. Yeah, right. Wait till we get to black people. We'll get you back on board.

You will see a cow? Of a cotton house. What? All right. Then we get Article 11, which is way bitchier than the other ones. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of the we believe intro, the other ones have. This Yeah. And instead of the, we believe intro,

the other ones have, this one starts with, and fuck if you think we aren't gonna. Yeah. Yes. So here it is. Instead of we believe it's like, we claim the privilege of worshiping almighty God,

according to the dictates of our own conscience and allow all men the same privilege. Let them worship how, where, or what they may. Uh-huh. Just not in Nauvoo, Illinois. Right, yeah, exactly.

Or if they're black or brown or tan past November. In that case, just use our God. Wow. Article 11. Am I being detained? I'm not being detained. Basically, we all have the right to our opinion Article 11. Am I being detained? I'm not being detained. Get off me.

Basically, we all have the right to our opinion as an article and behavior. Our opinion and behavior. That's the article. Also, no using our words against us. That's mean. But isn't that just a classic things all the religions out of power say and then never live up to, right? You don't need to gain power over

anything more impressive than a non-potable lake in the desert before all of a sudden you're like, oh, your worship of God includes being allowed to see caffeinated beverages get prepared? Not in our town, motherfucker! Alright, homestretch, article 12. Where the Catholics have the good sense to

stop fucking talking. But here's the penultimate belief of the Mormons. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers rulers and magistrates in obeying honoring and sustaining the law for now well no actually eventually yeah keep in mind that the guy who wrote that would go on to be shot to death while trying to escape from prison yes so you know grain of salt also you know not the kind of thing most people have to say right we believe in not committing crime right guys like it has the same ring as that rehearsed sounding speech about how racist you aren't right yeah uh noah's comment actually just got ruled out of order by the House Parliamentary. All right.

So final one. So, you know, this is going to be long and rambling as fuck. We get Article 13. We believe in being honest, true. Which is apparently different than being honest. Clearly. Chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men do we though no indeed we may say that we follow the admonition of paul god she's this is his article of faith and he's like in other words

jim fuck you um you may say that we follow the admonition of paul we believe all things i don't believe him i don't think that's possible. We hope all things. We have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. Oh. Cool. Cool. Article 13 is the stage patter right before a bye bye birdie

we love you I'm sorry did he just use 65 words to say we're not a bunch of assholes and we like cool stuff yes he did okay my guess is that originally he was going to do 12 like the Catholics

and when it looked like he was packing up his magic rock, the scribes like, Oh, is that, is that it? Are you, are you done? Nothing,

nothing about honesty or virtue or benevolence or liking cool stuff. I don't know, man. And Joe Smith had to be like, let me finish. You didn't let me finish article 13, which we also have right. This take the pen back out.

All the shit you just said. Oh, that's tough. But yeah, they're into lovely stuff. That's how their statements of belief, this chapter and this book end. Yeah. I really hope you weren't holding out for, you know, something profound or...

Okay, well, at least we got the answer to whether or not mormons are pro or against waterfalls once and for all yeah right that's what we were holding out for apparently all right good to know i guess well knowing as i do some of the truly crazy shit mormons believe i got to admit this was disappointing it could have been a lot better but i'm going to temper that with the fact that we're done with this dumbass book and i'm pretty sure I've already forgotten reading it. But don't worry. There will always be more holy books, so our suffering's never really at an end.

Motherfucker. How many religions are there? So many. How many? God, do they all have books? You just have to lie. Yeah. Most of them have books.

Can we do a non-book religion? We just... Before we drop this episode into the recycling bin, I want to remind you one last time that you can still get tickets to the Godawful Movie Show in Virginia Beach. We're super excited about this one. This is a movie we've been looking forward to doing for a while,

and if you don't show up, that's going to ruin the whole fucking party. Okay? Anyway, that's all the blasph movie we've been looking forward to doing for a while, and if you don't show up, that's gonna ruin the whole fucking party. Okay? Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies,

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't have been able to fertilize the RSS feed if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for the snap of his wit, Lucinda Lusions for the crackle of her laugh, and Eli for the pop culture references

that he insists some of you get. I also need to thank Backmasking for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and by all means, keep sending those in, check the website, learn how, and if you sent me one that I didn't use, feel free to resend it. I probably just lost it somewhere. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammalia, Tessa Regina Fishhooks

Dan, Ron, Vicar, and Nim. Tessa Regina and Fishhooks, whose IQs could be expressed in three numerals, but only if you used Roman ones, Ron and Dan, whose ejaculations sometimes show up on weather maps, and Vicar and Nim, who are so hot and so cool that even putting them in the same sentence probably created a tornado watch.

Together, these seven sagacious saints of secularism sacrifice significant savings to supply succor to sacrilege this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a giving-us-m version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not in a giving us money kind of way, you can also help a ton by following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter, leaving a five-star review on iTunes, or giving us somebody else's money. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingideas.com.

I love listening to Eli regret giving the guy an accent about halfway through this paragraph right here. The big copy, yeah. Yeah, right. He's like, you know, he could have just been from Jersey. He could have been from anywhere. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC.

Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.