The Scathing Atheist - 336: By the Numbers Edition

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

In this week’s episode, we’ll learn the secret to a successful theocracy, We learn that Judaism hates dogs but loves fences, and Anna Bosnick will be here to sing by the numbers. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Buy Anna’s album here! https://store.cdbaby.com/cd/annabosnick Check out Viced Rhino’s YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/c/vicedrhino --- Headlines: Despite Dwindling Numbers, White Evangelicals Make Up for It in the Voting Booth: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/14/despite-dwindling-numbers-white-evangelicals-make-up-for-it-in-the-voting-booth/ House Chaplain Blames “Spirits of Darkness,” Not Trump, for GOP-Fueled Racism: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/19/house-chaplain-blames-spirits-of-darkness-not-trump-for-gop-fueled-racism/ Despite Trump’s Racist Rally, Some Christians Are Just Upset He Said “Goddamn”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/20/despite-trumps-racist-rally-some-christians-are-just-upset-he-said-goddamn/ Israeli education minister says gay conversion therapy can work: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/15/israeli-education-minister-under-fire-for-saying-gay-conversion-is-possible/ France Will Finally Stop Reimbursing People Who Buy Homeopathic “Medicine”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/11/france-will-finally-stop-reimbursing-people-who-buy-homeopathic-medicine/ All Dogs Are Bad Dogs And Owning Them is a Curse, Israeli City’s Rabbis Say: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/17/all-dogs-are-bad-dogs-and-owning-them-is-a-curse-israeli-citys-rabbis-say/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Congregation upset after popular priest fired for sex shop visit: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/20/congregants-demand-return-of-pastor-allegedly-fired-over-sex-shop-visit/ Australia added to list of countries Steve Anderson can’t go: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/22/christian-hate-preacher-steven-anderson-has-been-banned-from-entering-australia/

Warning, this episode contains profanity, but don't worry, most of the words are conjunctions and shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, ZipRecruiter, and by the new anti-misogyny service that allows men to donate their nipples to women that want to be topless in public, NipRecruiter, because what the hell am I going to do with them? And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Vice Rhino of the vice

rhino youtube channel i'm here to let you know that you definitely evolved from filthy monkey men but i evolved from graceful elasmotherium unicorns It's Thursday. It's July 25th. And it's National Intern Day. Because if you work for free long enough, somebody might pay you? It's bad that we even have a word for that, right? I'm Noah Lusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Antonin Scalia's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll learn the secret to a successful theocracy. We learn that Judaism hates dogs but loves fences.

And Anna Bosnick will be here to sing by the numbers. But first, the diatribe. Okay, so I've got this one religious friend, and that's an exhaustive list. Just the one, really. I mean, that's not actually true. You know, I've got a lot of friends that would tell you they're Christian or, you know, one of my weird-ass friends, something a hippie found in an encyclopedia of mythology when he was coming down from mushrooms like a sot drew. And I definitely have other friends that believe in God. So in that sense, I've got a lot of religious friends. Hell, some of my best friends are religious, but I've got one for whom religion

is important. She's not like a regular churchgoer, but she has been on and off at various times in her life. She's been on a mission trip to South America. She prays. You know, she could wind up a weekly church attendee again at the drop of the hat. What's more, she's average American Christian. So when called upon to justify her belief in God, she reaches not for the Kalam cosmological argument, but rather for a headline she's pretty sure she saw once where they actually found the ruins of the Garden of Eden. And needless to say, she doesn't really understand what it is that I do for a living and not just because she doesn't know what a podcast is. When I say stuff like, yeah, I'm going to be in an atheist protest this weekend. Her mental picture is a bunch of us standing outside a church somewhere harassing people on their way into Sunday services with derogatory slogans and banners, I guess.

And as wrong as it is, I see how she gets there. That is what a Christian would be doing at a Christian protest, I guess. Now, I've tried to explain the atheist position to her, but we never even get close. Right. Not because she doesn't listen or refuses to talk about it or anything like that. She simply doesn't know enough about her faith to understand why it pisses me off. Right. Like when I try to explain an issue I have with religion, I find myself in perpetual reverse, constantly having to backtrack to explain what the hell I'm even talking about. Let me give you a recent example, right?

So we're talking about something or another in the story and Noah's Ark comes up. It's like the other side of an analogy or something, but somehow it turns into the subject of the damn conversation. And my friend explains that she doesn't actually believe the story in the Bible is literally true, which is convenient. Her Bible likes to shift in and out of trueness as it becomes convenient to the point that she's making. But she insists something like that probably happened. Now, I'm dying to dig into this. So I ask her what something like that would be. And she says that she does believe like a big flood really

did happen and somebody escaped from it on a boat and had a bunch of animals on board and sure maybe he didn't know the flood was coming but maybe he suspected it and as unremarkable a story as this has now become it's still probably wrong yeah i mean all she's claiming is that there was a guy on a boat with some chickens and a cow once and then there was a flood which seems pretty likely until you consider the size of boats back then sure like maybe the king of something would be tooling around with cows on his fucking boat but this is a story written around the fifth century bce they didn't exactly have tankers but even if it did happen what she's saying is that the story had a kernel of truth because floods are a real thing and so are boats which as i pointed out at the time only makes it as true as the wizard of oz since tornadoes and houses also exist and then upon realizing how unremarkable she'd made the

story she added that she also thinks it was like a global flood though right maybe not enough to cover the himalayas but high enough that most civilizations got wiped out. Now, I could have turned to archaeology here or history or sociology, but I turned to math. So I whip out my phone. I start calculating how much water it would take to even raise the sea levels by like five feet globally. And then I asked her where all that water went or barring that, where the planetoid that was dipped into the Pacific Ocean went. But of course, by then the biblical story had shifted back into being true. So she told me God can just make and take away as much water as he wants. And yes, this was a frustrating conversation. And yes, I was composing this diatribe as she

was making her convoluted points. But I wanted to share it with you, not just because it was fucking stupid and I wanted to vent, but because it's important to remember that when you argue with christians it's usually this that you're arguing with you know not well thought out arguments but rather desperate intellectual flailings that aren't designed to dissuade the atheist as much as dismiss the atheist hell i had to remind her partway through the argument that Cain and Abel were Adam's sons, not Noah's. Now, that doesn't mean to say we shouldn't arm ourselves against the good arguments. We just shouldn't do so at the expense of the dumb ones. I saw another one of those surveys making its way around social media this week that demonstrates once more how much

more we know about religion than religious people. And once again, religious people are shocked by it. Us, not so much. And sure, part of that's because we've seen the previous 1300 studies that showed those exact same results. But some of it's also because we've argued with fucking Christians before. Right. And we've had to politely explain to them what they believe before we could impolitely explain why it was wrong. You know, our focus as a movement for so long has been to explain atheism. And that makes a lot of sense. Religious people are generally scared of atheism. And before we can start trying to coax them over to our side of the fence, we've got to convince them that fence isn't electrified.

I get that. But some people won't listen to that. Some people shut down as soon as you mention or even imply the A word. And besides, we might not have to explain atheism to tempt Christians over. Sometimes it's enough just to explain christianity joining me for headlines tonight are the uno and dos to my trace heathenwright and eli bosnick fellas am i ready to be the democratic nominee or what i mean are you as afraid of the camera as tim ryan uh trick question nobody's afraid of the camera like Tim Ryan.

Well, okay. Yeah, true. True. In our lead story tonight, I'm going to finally get around to talking about that op-ed in the New York Times from the beginning of the month about how correct Hillary was with her basket of deplorables line. In case they're ready, support for treason, racism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, economic self-sabotage, bullying, idiocy, concentration camps, junior concentration camps, and sexual assault didn't tip you off.

Now, normally three-week-old op-ed confirming Trump supporters are shit humans wouldn't rise to the level of lead story, but in the ensuing weeks, it got sort of a viral second lease on life because of a terrifying graphic included in it. It showed how despite the fact that evangelical Christian share of the population has dropped by more than a third just since Eli's balls dropped, they haven't lost a single percentage point

in terms of their electoral representation. Yeah, we're getting outplayed by idiots who believe in ghosts. Everybody D up. What is happening? Hey, you know who needs self-care? Trump's army of open-mouthed

broodmares that don't believe in medicine. Top it up for a day and pull a lever. All right. Here's how it breaks down. Over the last 15 years, Eli's balls dropped late. The share of the population that identifies as evangelical has plummeted from 23% to 15% with the steepest drop coming over the last couple of years. Probably because of us.

But over that time, their share of the national vote has actually risen from 23% to 26%. What? So despite, yeah, they represent a little over one in seven people, but they take more than one out of every four votes. Okay, and that's because they vote. Yep. Even more than they used to vote they're voting they're

better they vote they vote better they're beating us at this game so they don't vote better they just vote no they just all definitely vote on this one issue yeah so if you're annoyed when we make fun of younger generations for not getting stamps this is a perfect time to angrily traipse up to the post office and harumphily buy a stamp. Great time to do that and register and vote and do it correctly is the important addition to that. And hey, that's the great thing about voting. It is literally the least you can do. Well, no, no.

I've got a lot of folks on Facebook that could show you much less. Right. So if you really want to get your head around how terrifying that number is, I want you to just ponder for a second on the on the peculiar properties of the number 26 in a two party system and recall that they all vote for the same party. Right. right or any advantage whatsoever for the Dems, which is what we actually have. That means that no conservative politician can win nationally without appeasing them, even though they comprise less than a third of the smaller party. And the problem just gets worse when you zoom into the local level, because the only places they're winning state elections or municipal elections are places where the evangelical population is higher than the national average.

Yeah. the evangelical population is higher than the national average yeah and these are places like fucking wyoming that get a single congressperson yeah you deserve more like 0.2 congress people like what's happening why can't we just get a bigger house yeah how hard is this we have buildings that fit more than 435 people at this point get them a goddamn conference i don't know a big field anything but again until that happens vote better or again we can't emphasize this enough at all the key here is the doing of the voting yes is what they do is they do the voting right yeah the takeaway here is one that we've been hammering at since the show started and one that we've really ramped up on since november of 2016 the rise of the nuns doesn't fucking matter if we don't do something with it right whenever people outside our movement find out how many non-religious americans there are

they're shocked by it and sure some of that's because we're not quick enough to own the label but a far bigger part of it is that we haven't bothered to do anything right personally i've left a permanent indentation the shape of my hand in this giant's cheek but apparently it's going to take a lot more than that to wake him the fuck up do it for the sticker maybe i don't know what motivates non-voters but i want to do it for you next up in headlines donald trump took some time away from cheating at golf and lamenting the new regressive left race policy at country clubs so he could spend his entire week crafting racist comments about American women in Congress that he thinks are foreign colored. I don't know.

I mean, that sounds pretty bad, but don't worry. This is exactly why we pay House Chaplain Pat Conroy $175,000 a year. Jesus! The same as new Congress people, pretty much, to perform exorcisms on the demon spirits that cause bigotry. So that's what Conroy did. And it turns out that Trump and his GOP supporters, they're not bigots. It was a demon. And Conroy fixed it. So it's all good.

Gotcha. Well, you look, once the Republicans have taken thoughts off the table, they really just have one arrow left in their quiver. Yeah, I mean, to be fair to Conroy, literally the only way for this dude's job to be anything resembling hard is for his party to obviously be the source of evil where he lives but they are you know I just want to give him

you went into this thinking of man this could not be easy oh wait wait just got to talk about an invisible satyr as long as nobody demonstrates that they're the problem demons so here's the exact words we got from Conroy quote this has been that they're the problem. Demons. So here's the exact words we got from Conroy.

Quote, this has been a difficult and contentious week in which darker spirits seem to have been at play in the people's house. In your most holy name, I now cast out

all spirits of darkness from this chamber. End quote. And that was the extent of his remarks about Ilhan Omar. He also said something about racism being caused by demons, something like that. Because it's definitely not caused by the panicky terror of white people watching Congress get very slightly integrated like those country clubs. So I guess we all agree now i think about it it

was christian god's fault it was definitely actually yeah congress people keep walking up to aoc honey can you freshen up shit sorry you again maybe no no okay no sorry my on me on me yeah pull the car around to the back oh all right so conroy i know that we're Oh, all right. So, Conroy, I know that we're wildly unqualified to give how to advice regarding exorcisms. But, you know, don't bring up the hue of the spirit this time. Right. He doesn't. We don't need to know how dark the spirit was.

That's not even part of your magic spell. I know because those bits are in Latin. No, because those bits are in Latin. So assuming Pat Conroy gives a speech every single day that Congress is in session, he doesn't. But assuming that he does, this latest unit of chaplaining cost the American taxpayer about fifteen hundred dollars. Jesus. Another fifteen hundred for the Senate chaplain, who I'm assuming was like, uh, yep, demon, here's my bill. So far, that three grand we spent got us literally nothing. Literally nothing happens when you do chaplaining. Out of 197 Republicans in the

House, it looks like just about all of them are still possessed by racist demons with mullets. And while that's obviously adorable, that's a beautiful picture in everybody's head now, pretty much all those GOP reps still voted against a non-binding verbal warning to the president that would have just said, you know, please consider being a bit less of a bigot out loud if you get a chance. There's no rush. Sorry to bother you. Just if you could. That would have been too far. We voted that down. Not only would that have been too far, they

gave the good guys a talking to about all the pointing out the racism they were doing. Yes, they did. There's a rule against that. Nancy got a timeout. And in Lorde lord so vain news tonight well it finally happened after a week of news where trump told americans to go back to where they came from trump's christian supporters have finally had enough of him saying the Lord's name in vain during rallies. This would be so stupid.

Okay, but in fairness to Trump, I wouldn't say it's in vain because his approval numbers have gone up since those tweets, very clearly. So these people have had enough, but not, you know, behavior-changing levels have had enough. That is correct. Now, what Christians were mad about this week was not babies in cages or obvious racism or starting a war with Iran.

No. During his speech at a rally this past week, the president said, God damn, not once, but twice. And let me tell you, his supporters are not having it. Yeah. You got to pick your battles, guys. You stick with the wars like uh race wars for example i apparently see what they're saying yeah so he thinks some angry trump's were grab her by the gosh darn pussy please children are listening here yeah so for instance west virginia state senator and self-described conservative Democrat Trump supporter.

Nope. I think he means Republican. He does. He does. Anyways, Paul Hardesty wrote the president a disapproving letter, which includes the following quote. I am, however, appalled by the fact that you choose to use the Lord's name in vain on two separate occasions when you went off the prompter during your speech. There is no place in society, anywhere, any place, at any time where that type of language should be used or handled. Your comments were not presidential. I know in my heart that you are better than that. End quote.

Wow. Like sentences one and four were shit but he nailed two and three though right hey uh Paul Hardesty maybe focus on knowing stuff in your your brain instead of your heart I mean I know in my brain that you're not better than that but still try try oh but it wasn't just giant shrimp trump supporter democrat paul hardesty who was upset no trump supporters took to twitter in the dozens to express their dismay for instance twitter user at rolling stop nine oh she couldn't get that sweet sweet at rolling stop account i guess no no i parked that a long time ago suck it she she said quote mr president please

do not take the lord's name in vain lots of your supporters are unhappy about it uh also sherry severed five again you gotta jump on that sherry severed real estate early yeah tweeted as i love this so much quote i have been a supporter since the 2016 election i voted for you then and i really want to in 2020 but please stop taking the lord's name in vain it is extremely offensive to christians my husband and i had to turn the tv off please stop the final please stop is my favorite part of that my husband hit the power button for all devices, I think. And now we're in a big fight about how to get stuff back on. It's really hard.

There's a lot of buttons. You're destroying a marriage. Is it cable, then the TV? Do you have to do it in an order? It's been days. Yeah, well, apparently the Severed 5 wasn't the only one who had to shoot her TV with a harpoon gun at Sheila Stewart one. Oh, so close.

Yeah. She tweeted. There was a point five and she's like, oh, Sheila Stewart at real Donald Trump. I support and pray for you. But if you want to keep the evangelicals, you need to not say G slash D and take the Lord's name in vain. I had to change channels. Serious times now,

capital, you can't afford to lose any of us. Oh, he is capitalized now, wow. Alright, well, when you miss the point by that much, somebody should probably go see what you hit instead. So while we do that, we're going to pause for a quick word from our first sponsor this week stamps.com okay okay no idea what if we list it on uber eats and then order it to ourselves oh that might work we can do that yeah yeah hey

guys what do you what are you doing oh hey no he Heath and I are trying to figure out how to get this package to our buddy Dave. But the problem is it's here. It's here, right. Hold on. I got it. I got it. I got it. We'll sell it to Amazon and then we buy it for Dave.

Yes! Let's do that. We'll do that. What? Guys, just ship it to him. That sounds pretty irresponsible, Noah. We just put it on a ship and hope it gets through? Is this a gift?

Exactly. Yeah, and Dave lives in Wyoming, Noah, so that's not going to work. They don't have water. No, I mean ship it using the mail. I don't really think gender comes into it. The postal service. So you want to use a band to put a package on a ship? You know what? Have you guys

ever heard of stamps.com? No. What's stamps.com? Well, stamps.com brings all the services of the post office right to your desk. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send, even Wyoming. Once your mail is ready, just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's that simple. Wow, that is convenient. It is. And right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment.

Just have to go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com type in scathing. That's stamps.com. Enter scathing. Now, when you say mailbox, do you mean we like put it? No, no, no. I mean, put it in the box. It's over by the front door. Oh, too late.

A man wrote the Bible? A horse would smug. If it's a legitimate race. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. You know, when I hear a story about a priest getting fired for publicly purchasing dildos,

I'm pretty sure I've got a good story for the week. But I don't usually go in expecting to root for the priest. I mean, don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against dildos, I'm pretty sure I've got a good story for the week. But I don't usually go in expecting to root for the priest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against dildos, unless they're also priest. But it turns out this one was about a female priest, and the dildos aren't the whole story. There's just the tip. So here's the story. Reverend Amy Butler was the senior minister at the Riverside Church of Manhattan, which is one of those churches most Christians fucking hate. It's a famously progressive church, which you already know, even if you've never heard of it because it had a lady priest.

And apparently she was getting all uppity and pissing off the higher ups by demanding unreasonable concessions like equal pay and punishment for sexual misconduct. Well, even in a progressive church, that put her on thin ice. So when headlines started popping up about her being seen exiting a sex shop, her superiors used it as an excuse to get rid of her. She was fired despite that not being immoral, even by the teachings of that fucking church. Now, to be fair to all parties, the church leaders say it's not simply that she went to a sex shop. She also took two church employees with her, and one of them later said that it made them feel uncomfortable. And that is at least plausible.

It was a voluntary trip, but when your boss says, hey, let's go buy some anal beads, there's already an issue whether you say yes or not. But regardless of their true motivation, it seems like the congregation isn't buying the official story. Either that or they don't give a shit. Because according to the Washington Post, they've introduced a petition asking the church to schedule a vote on bringing Butler back. Of course, she's loaded up with a bunch of new dildos and anal beads, so I can see why maybe she'd like them to wait for a week or two. Anyway, that's the only real story I've got for you this week, but I also wanted to update you on one we've been following on TWIM for quite a while. As you may recall, we've covered several stories recently about the rapidly expanding list of countries Stephen, Cooking Can Be Fun, Anderson isn't allowed to visit.

Well, it looks like we have a, and this is a real number, 33rd country to add to that list this week. So Noah, tell him what he's won. Congratulations, Steven Anderson. You won't be going to sunny Australia. You won't be wished away on a seven-day tour of sandy beaches, exotic wildlife, and legal gay marriage, or a five-day tour, or a one-day tour, or a layover. Some of the finest restaurants in Sydney might occur to you while you're eating at the only Taco Bell in Arizona that'll still let you sit inside. And this five-star hotel with its spectacular waterfront views will have an extra room in it because you can't stay there. Back to you, Lucinda.

back to you lucinda well actually back to you and heath and eli thank you lucinda and in enhanced therapy techniques news tonight israel's education minister vouched for the effectiveness of gay conversion therapy last week on television and apparently his justification was otherwise i was just torturing those kids and i'm pretty sure i wouldn't do that now i want to be super clear notice that i didn't say former there i did notice that i was really hoping i had left a blank where i could but i was really hoping i get to add that before we went to record but no current education minister all right uh thinking outside of the box here this palestine strategy is working great we're crushing it there what about a uh gaza strip something like that i was gonna say noah if you're trying to make israel anti-child torture you join the club there's a lot of people

not going well oh god nobody play that last last Heath joke for Benny Nets, okay? So this endorsement of enhanced psychology came during a television interview on Israel's Channel 12. During the interview, he was asked about the viability of gay conversion therapy, and he said he did think it was possible to convert a person's sexual orientation, and then added he had a deep familiarity with the practice but then upon realizing that made it sound like he used to fuck dudes he clarified that he was the torturer in those situations not the gay dudes that would be gross sorry sorry let me clarify i'm a monster not sad a monster yeah right right don't want anyone to get the wrong idea we we still do channels with

numbers now to be super clear again here this dude is not fired that's pretty fucked up but but netanyahu did condemn the remarks and call them unacceptable which would have been classified as the least a nation's leader could do in the pre-trump era but isn't anymore it's also worth noting that earlier in the same week he said that jewish americans who marry non-jews have created quote a second holocaust end quote so what it's yeah it's not like he has a story tradition of saying same shit also eli is uh is hitler right who knew that nazi secret plot was being better at oral sex than us i mean i'm just saying it worked it worked also he just called him a nazi and in h2o news tonight the health minister of france announced this week get it thank you oh it's

just france that's what french people sound like when they laugh. H2O-O-O. O is water in French. Come on, man. Ha-ha. Jesus. Anyways, the health minister of France announced this week that the French government will no longer reimburse you for

not medicine. And damn it, I'm calling it a win. Right? Yeah, a win. kind of like that time voting for for nobody just barely edged out the votes for the daughter of a holocaust yeah running for their modern day nazi party france has weird wins can i say that yeah i feel like they've had a lot of trouble differentiating wins and losses since like may of 1945 and they're like wow this was we won huh that's right winning team doesn't feel we're on the bench still counts yep you get still on the team washington generals of world war ii everybody no they won according to politico in 2020 france will be reducing its reimbursement under their national health care plan from the current 30 percent down to 15 percent for homeopathy and then ending it entirely in 2021.

If only because it means they'll no longer have to say that the country has socialized medicine, etc. Well, yeah. No, you don't want to switch to correct all at once. That would. Yeah. Why would. Yeah. Why would it phase out? There's like, yeah, we we're going to reimburse whatever percentage the active ingredient turns out. We're going to put the dust of a sun team in the tap water.

You guys can all share that. There you go. Well, either way, it's good news. And Eli, correct me if I'm wrong, but you actually managed to score us an interview with the man who made this possible, right? I did. That's true. Wait, really? Yeah.

He's waiting in the green room. You want me to go get him? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Nice. All right. I'll go get him. Got to say, I'm pretty impressed.

Hello, everyone. It's me, Michel Marchal. Okay. one is me, Michelle Marshall. I run the Merci Side Skeptic Society and I stop homeopathy. This is way too deep. Nobody is going to

get this. Anyways, as I was saying, I have done great work in skepticism. In fact, so great. No. Just yesterday, they gave me an award. Yeah, because it's like it's wordplay on our friend Marsh. But you know what that means.

I guess you could say I am now skeptic of a year. What? Year is French for yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. Skeptic. We don't even have a green room I don't understand okay Michelle Marshall thanks for coming go on some wine

and finally tonight Judaism is stupid and evil stay with me that sounded kind of mean as I was saying it. I heard it. Also, everyone who agreed right away needs to calm the fuck down because I didn't

explain why yet. Don't be a bigot. Just give me a minute. I will get there. I will explain. As a person who agreed with you instantly, what if you already knew why? Are you going to tweet about people being too PC? Because I can just kill you. We don't have to go through the whole

spiral. I was castigating both sides of everybody. Just wait until I explain. Find people on both sides. Here's the thing. Not, damn it. Now my words are all twisted and you guys are doing that thing you do. And I end up with this persona that I'm a Nazi

just because I look like one. God damn it. Okay. Moving on. Judaism is a scripted show. Judaism is stupid and evil. It is and I have audio of him saying I'm a Nazi and it wasn't even in the script. I look like one is what I said. I look. I have. It's not. I don't control my appearance.

You guys are bigots. Moving on. Judaism is stupid and evil. I'm not the bigot. Here's how it works though. We've read their main holy book, the Old Testament, and it talks all about, you know, slavery and genocide and killing gay people with rocks, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But their other big rule book is called the Talmud. And apparently the Talmud says that dogs are evil. Yep. Or at least that lots of dogs are evil. Now, just to be clear, Christianity is also stupid and evil.

But if this is what Jesus was talking about when he started the new club, I get it. If he was like, hey, dogs are evil. New club. Totally understand. It's weird. Christianity is the only Abrahamic religion with dogs or or bacon it's like they were targeting heath specifically i'm sorry plus a guy who makes wine he is their target right yeah exactly you guys are doing something way wrong the fact that i'm not christian is insane yeah so again this is no reason to be anti-Semitic, but it almost is, right?

It's not, but almost. It's not. It's not. It's not, is what I'm saying, is final answer. So point being, don't take this out on Jewish people, but the religion needs to fix this immediately. Or dissolve. I might be Muslim for spite right now. Yes, dissolve would be great.

They need to dissolve. I might be Muslim for spite right now. Yes, dissolve would be great. They need to dissolve. Well, they need to at least fix it. And at least until Judaism fixes the part of the Talmud in which a series of rabbis ruled that all dogs are bad dogs and pronounced a curse upon anyone who owns one. I'm going to be Muslim for spite. one, I'm going to be Muslim for spite. And while this isn't recognized in practice by plenty of Jewish people, it's still being enforced right now in 2019 by certain groups, a small amount of them, but certain groups. And that includes the Israeli city of Elad, an Orthodox community where rabbis issued an official edict last week that said dogs are strictly forbidden yeah a listener for clarity there is a story in here he isn't just explaining why it might be okay to hate that's not what i

said not on air at least he's not doing that he's getting to a thing changing my words didn't say that i said stay with him the religion not people. I thought I was very specific. Yeah. So just keep in mind again, one more time, religion and theocracy in general are the problems here. And of course, nobody wants to see a giant pack of homeless, unvaccinated dogs going around Orthodox Jewish communities, spreading preventable diseases to their unvaccinated kids. That would be tragic and not at all amusing to anybody i don't know and it's moving straight through it's definitely another really good argument that every major religion needs to scrap their stupid evil books bottom line say what you will about the tenets of national socialism oh gosh at least they like dogs that was a joke it's a joke these are jokes

satire was it yep jokes yes name three jews who aren't entertainers worn by eli used to be jewish ryan's on of Evil Drafts on Mars is Jewish. Confident that Heath could have named the three Jews on the Supreme Court if he hadn't been playing along with the joke. We're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Sonia Sotomayor. Nope. Close enough.

All right. When we come back, the Bible will finally get to the bloody parts again commissioner gordon oh hey hey batman what's, nothing. Just haven't seen the bat signal in a while. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Yep, yep, no. Doing fine. Yeah, this is awkward. Actually, we replaced you. What? How?

We used a zip recruiter. I see. Zip recruiter. That's like a vigilante that collects criminals using a zip line, right? Nope. Nope. I think I saw him in a... No, that's... Nope. You didn't see any of that. ZipRecruiter is the smarter way to hire. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards.

But they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Wow, Blondage. So, who'd you hire? Yeah, um, it's funny, we actually hired Dave. What's so special about Dave? I mean, not much.

It's just that he's not a billionaire who beats people up for being mentally ill and poor. Turns out that's way better if you don't do that. Oh. Yeah. It is? Yeah. It's just a lot better. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. I mean, did Dave's parents die? Uh, yeah, they did. But he, uh, you know, he mourned and moved on with his life, like you do. Oh. That sounds hard.

Well, maybe. I mean, most people's parents die eventually, so. They do? They do. Yeah. A listener tagged me this week on a Facebook post. Someone had slapped up about how Christian the modern Republican Party isn't. In her post, she regurgitated the familiar lies about the Bible condemning xenophobia and violence and promoting egalitarianism and peace. So, in refutation, we're pleased to present another installment of Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Balam, I gotta tell you, I've now brought you to three sacrifice places and given you a bunch of jewels.

And all you've said is that Israel is strong like a unicorn and that me and my family are gonna die. Well, there is one thing I can tell you that will help. Oh, what's that? Whisper, whisper. Hey, that just might work, actually. That's excellent. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing mosaic stuff. Mosaic stuff is my favorite stuff.

Oh, come on. What are you doing here? Hey, what's up? Blum reminded me that your god gets mad and kills you every time you do anything fun. So I taught everyone fuck stuff. What? God hates fuck stuff the most. Moses.

Dammit. Oof. He sounds mad. He sounds really mad. So, what did he say? He wants me to kill everyone who did fuckstuff and hang their heads facing him. Haha, classic. Got him.

Yeah, you got us. Hi. Hi, everyone. If I could just have your attention for a second. I'm Zimri. I know it's not traditional for the groom to make a speech at his own wedding, but if I may, I just want to thank all of you who came to me

and Cosby's destination wedding. Pretty much all of you had to take very, very expensive and long flights to be here. And it just, it means so much to us, even if we don't make the time to talk to you. Quick housekeeping. As we said on the invitation, Cosby and I did not hire a photographer. As we said on the invitation, Cosby and I did not hire a photographer, so make sure you take lots of pictures and hashtag it ZimbreCosby5ever. Also, please eat, thanks to Cosby's aunt. All the food is vegan and gluten-free due to my sensitivity.

And of course, just remember, no alcohol tonight, not even BYOB, because Cosby's dad is sober. And we just really order. Phineas, you stabbed them both with a spear. Why? Because Midianites and Israelites shouldn't mix. Oh, okay. Okay, that's okay. Thanks, then.

Yes, that explains it. That's a boy. You got it. Yep. So, I just pop it like this? I just pop? You got to lead from the hips. Oh, okay.

Like this? You're tense. You're tense. You got to let it go. I'm relaxed. Sorry. Excuse me, Mr. God. You wanted to see me? Oh, there he is.

Moses. How's it Oh, there he is. Moses. How's it going, buddy? Ah, well, honestly... Great. So here's the thing, pal. I need you to vex the midnights. I'm sorry, you want me to vex them? Yeah, you know, after the whole mcha mcha thing

and then the wedding, I really need to get to vexing you know what i'm saying okay so like unscrew their salt fakers or give them bad directions to places what do you mean by vex them oh you know what that's on me i meant genocide i want you to genocide the midnights oh gotcha but you, vex seemed like a nicer word. Oh, it is a nicer word, yeah. Did you see that, Sarah? Already using my word of the day calendar.

I did, I did. That's great work. You're very natural, too. You just slipped it right in. Thank you. Also, Moses, how's that census going? You mean the one I took earlier in the book? Yeah, that one.

What are the totals on that bad boy? What are those numbers? See, you've killed lots of people since we actually did that. What? No, I haven't. Exaggeration. No. You have, though. Remember the guy from the magic battle? That was like 12 people.

People die all the time. Right, but then those other three plagues. Three little plagues. Some of those people were already dead. Doesn't even count. And then, of course, there's my brother Aaron and me and all the soldiers of Israel. Shouldn't have hit the rock twice.

Rock twice. Exactly. That was you. You did it twice. Right. I guess I get that. But what I'm saying is maybe we should count again. Fine, count again.

Just, you know, don't blame me because your numbers were off. Yeah. Yeah, sorry about that. Look, look. Oh, no. Three plagues. Got him. Right?

He sounds like that. So there were delivered out of the thousands of Israel, a thousand of every tribe, 12,000 armed for war. You know what, Balam? Yes, Balak? I'm gonna be honest,

after that last sacrifice, I was pretty P.O.'d at you. You know what? Aye, that's on me I don't blame you I mean, just It's three prophecies in a row Aye, I know, I know

But, uh, yeah, okay Well, that's That's all behind us now New page New leaf, right? Exactly New leaf Right

But we've got the whole world in front of us. Just think of it. The adventures of King Balak and his fortune-telling friend, Balab. Aye. We'll be like two peas in a... Oh, God, never mind. Here come the Jews to kill us. You don't think I see what you're doing?

I see what you're doing. Guys, come on. You will never keep me and Don Ford apart, Eli Bosnick. Do you hear me? Never! Moses, the battle is won! Hooray! Hurrah!

Um, I'm sorry, who are they? Oh, them? They're the Midianite women and children. Yes, I see that. I guess I'm asking, why are they still alive? Because they're women and children? Guys, do you even know why we're fighting the Midianites? Guys, do you even know why we're fighting the Medeanites? Well, I mean, Bronze Age tribal warfare was pretty... No, no.

It was because of the fuckstuff. Oh, okay. I get it. Right, right. You said that. Fuckstuff. Fuckstuff, yeah. Okay, so you want us to kill the women also to prevent fuck stuff?

Yeah, I mean, well, all the ones we already fucked, obviously. You can keep the rest. Right. Okay, cool. I have questions about keep the rest, but pinning that. The kids, what did you want us to do with the kids? Well, I mean, kill the boys, obviously, because they're just going to grow up to be Medeanites, right?

And the girls, well, I don't think I have to spell this out exactly. Cool, cool, cool. Sorry, I just want to repeat this back to you so you can hear it. Also, you're mad because we left the women and children alive. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Cool.

Okay, good note got it and uh so now you want us to kill all the women we don't take as slaves and also kill all the male children yes this is pretty simple i don't see is it uh and this is just right here in the book. Yeah, right there. It is. I got to tell you, even like the semi-apologetic, the Bible, just book of stories thing really just is not going to hold up if this story is in the book. No, it doesn't. It's just falling right apart. Like, it would be hard to find a less defensible book.

Oh, yeah, for sure. If you literally picked up any random book, you would almost certainly find better moral codes. Guaranteed, yeah. Oh, literally? Yes, literally, yes. Cool. So let's get murdering these kids, huh?

All right. Yeah, we're going to kill the children now. Let's do it. In this book. Totally. I feel like you should tell him. He's going to yell at me. Hey, Gad. Hey, Ruben. What's up, guys? Oh, hey.

Hey, Moses. I like your stick. Is that new? Did you get a new... It does look new. No, that's just the same old stick I've always had. It looks new. You know what it is? You're so good at carrying it, I think, is what made me think. Okay, dude, just go.

Right. Thank you. Thank you. So, you know how Gad and me have, Gad and I, really, now we're going to correct grammar. Yeah, right now. I mean, is there a bad time to speak like an adult? Maybe we all speak like adults all the time. Anyway, Moses uh we have

cattle you know that stupid and it looks totally willing to be wrong on this by the way it just looks like the promised land that we're all super excited about it doesn't seem to have a lot of grass there so gad and i you know we were we just killed all the midnights. So, we were thinking maybe we and our families would stay here. You want to stay here? Yeah, I mean, only if that's okay with you. Obviously. Guys, I got to be honest.

I think God's going to get mad. To you? Why? You see? I mean, why do you think God's going to get mad. To you? Why? You see? I mean, why do you think that? I don't know. Like with the spies and the magic. But he's just really easy to set off, you know?

I hear that. I really hear that. Yeah. And we do not want to make God mad. Exactly. For sure. Cannot stress that enough. That's our whole thing.

Totally don't want to make him mad. And like, we would totally fight with Israel if there was ever like a war or anything. Totes. Yeah, of course. We'd fight. Yep. You would.

Oh, hundo pee. Hundo. Totely, totely, totally, totally. Yes. Okay. On board. Hundo, like you said. Well, then I guess that's that.

Great. Awesome. So glad to hear that. Okay, cool. For now. For now. What? What? Sorry, what's that great awesome so glad to hear that okay cool for now sorry what's that mean for now just no no just that it's fine for now okay

did he say it weird you said that weird Moses buddy and he's gone he's gone I'm sorry Moses was he mad? He's gone. He seemed mad. He definitely seemed mad.

I feel like he's mad. I feel like he's mad too. Okay, everyone, everyone, can I have your attention? So I have some murder rules. First off, when we get to Israel, we're going to set up a few cities that are, for lack of a better word, base. Right? So if you murder somebody and you make it to base, you're safe.

So, yeah. Sorry, a question. I'm not taking any questions. Secondly, if you murder someone with wood, that's murder. If you murder someone with iron, that's murder. If you murder someone with iron, that's murder. This is a big one, guys. If you throw a rock and kill someone,

that is still murder. What else would it be? I still have a question. Third, if you want blood vengeance, you gotta go for it right away. No sitting around waiting for the right time, and no killing someone if they're on base, okay?

Wait, did he say if they're on base, like they're safe from revenge if they're on base? Sorry, is this a timing thing? Finally, finally, finally, people, please, finally, clean up the blood after your murders, okay? We all got to share the same desert. It's a really weird book, man. I know. Really weird.

Yeah, it is. And so I said, I've got a horn for you to blow. You didn't. Oh, I did. Oh, my God, you are so bad. Classic, totally classic. Excuse me, Mr. God, who's this? Oh, hey Moses, this is Joshua.

Joshua, that's right. Moses, real pleasure to meet you, huge fan. He's gonna be your replacement. My replacement? Yeah, I mean, we're almost in Israel, so you know, time for you to head up on the mountain. You know what I mean? Uh, no.

I don't. Oh, sorry. I mean, I literally want you to climb to the top of a mountain, see the land that I promised you for 40 years that you'll never touch, and then die. Oh. I mean, it seems like I could

just die down here without a... Right, and then Joshua is going to replace you. Isn't he great? Joshua, Joshua, Joshua, do some of your karate for him. Sure thing, boss. Ha! That's... That's just great. Right?

Isn't that awesome? Oh, he's got a battle coming up against the Canaanites. So here's what I did. I made him immortal just in case when he fights the Canaanites. Oh, thank you so much for that, God. I really appreciate it. Anything for you, Jay Bear. I call him Jay Bear.

That's like our little thing. Oh, yeah. He has a nickname. That's great. Well, I guess I'll just head up the mountain and die now. Sounds fun. So, what did he say when you said I've got a hornbeam? Sorry, sorry. I'm just pointing out that the Jews don't believe in an afterlife, so,

you know, I'm just going to be gone when I'm dead. Just dead. Yes. Yep. Yep. Got it. life so you know i'm just gonna be gone when i'm dead just just dead yes yep yep got it yep no hard feeling so right moses leader of the jews out of egypt this this is my big exit so if there's anything you guys want to say god you know particularly who I have served since birth, now might be the time. I don't really have anything to be honest. Yeah, see ya. See ya, buddy. Oh. Enjoy the hike.

Okay. Oh, you know what? Moses, Moses, wait. Yes, God? I want you to know I'm still really mad you hit that rock twice with a stick. Got it. I got it.

All right, so, then he says, what do you mean by that? No. What? Here it goes. What's happening next? Uh-huh. Oh.

You want a piece of this, Joshua? Hey. Hey, Moses. Moses. Wait up there. Oh, hey. It's my replacement, Joshua. Hey! Hey, Moses! Moses! Wait up there. Oh, hey, it's my replacement, Joshua. Hey, I'm so sorry. That seemed a little rough back there. Yeah, you know what? I'm kind of used to it now, so...

You know, I understand. It seems like a lot to keep track of. I mean, all gods rules. Nah, it's actually pretty easy. Really? There is. Hit it, Anna. One is the number of gods and he gives two shits about who gets killed and who lives.

Three times Balam and his donkey have spats. Four, God starts talking out a Midianite's ass Five chapters where things get scary for chicks Six stuffs prescribed if they're getting side dick And sevens for resting unless you need stones To break some poor heathen's skull and his bones Eight So much manna don't voice your critiques

God'll plague you and kill you and sangwell for reeks that ass 9 bastard may invoke some damn clause to show what a 10 tenuous promise

the promised land was uh that that doesn't sound easy oh it gets way worse 11 tribes count all their finding age men

the 12 the levi's just carry the 10 20 20 is war age but I'm sure you noticed the tribe that's exempt is the one that has Moses 11. Tribes count all their finding aged men. 12. The Levites just carry the tent. 20. 20 is war age but I'm sure you noticed the tribe that's exempt is the one that has Moses. 30. 30 years mourned over Aaron on high.

40. 40 year wait for all badges to die. 50. 50% of the book we were bored counting Jews and the booty they offered the Lord. A couple of censuses every tribe. All of the offerings in detail described is suggested. The book is obsessed with the mouth but no number gets higher than God's body count. One. Body count.

Two. Body count. Three. God's body count. One, two, three, yeah! The animals killed by the score, each time that church ever opens a door, bull, ram, and donkey, pigeon, and sheep, a pile, a quail, three cupids, the Israelites he kills by the thousand, opens the earth and swallows whole houses,

burns their encampments in serpents and plagues, and what heinous crimes elicit God's rage? One! God's rage? Two! God's rage? Three! What heinous crimes elicit God's rage? One!

Two! Three! Yeah! Hungry and thirsty, doubting Moses clout, going to church once the candles are out, being honest when scouting and gathering sticks, complaining to Moses and acting like dicks, whoring with Moabites, burnin' since wrong, treated like shit and not going along, think man and taste nasty or slow to obey, or living in cities that stand in his way.

One is the number of gods, and he gives two shits about who gets killed and who lives. But it isn't like God is always a villain when he orders the murder of all Midianite children. He says if they are virgins and if they behave, we can spare the young women and keep them as slaves. Got it! I think. I hope so. Alright, and with a

well-earned thanks to Anna, we're going to wrap up for the night and we'll crack open the final book of the Pentateuch when we return for the next Bible Peace Theater. Literally your last chance to get tickets. The show is this Saturday night. Check the show notes for links. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot and friend,

Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. An even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And other podcasts. I mean, there's a lot of stuff to listen to. Obviously, the hosting service would reject this episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright, who lived with me, Eli Bosnick, who laughed with me, and Lucinda Lusions, who loved with me. Sorry, I went into that meaning to make fun of the live, laugh, love thing, but damn it if that didn't just wind up touching. Oops. Also want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for helping out with Bible Piece again this week. Also a huge thanks to Anna for the

amazing song. And remember, if you can't get enough Anna in your life, and who can, she does have an album out. And you can pick it up by following the link on the show notes or just by googling Anna Bosnick music. Or probably just Anna Bosnick. There's probably not a lot of Anna Bosnick. Anyway, I also need to thank Viced Rhino for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to check his channel out, it comes highly recommended and is also linked on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Shane, David, Nathan, Dick Berger, Kristen Taylor, Safety Rabbit, Colin, and Justin. Shane, David, and Nathan, whose ejaculations are so voluminous Marvel had to pay him to use the term Infinity Stones. Dick, Burger, Kristen, and Taylor, who are so sexy the sound of their breathing has to

be beeped out on network television. And Safety Rabbit, Colin, and Justin, who are so bright their IQs are measured in watts, or lumens. Actually, I think that, yeah, I think it would be lumens if it's brightness. Lumens. Together, these nine that, yeah, I think it would be lumens if it's brightness. Lumens. Together, these nine people, penis sandwiches, and danger-avoidant sex toys help to keep us from homelessness this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the kind of unconditional love for humanity it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation

at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but money's too expensive, you can help a ton by giving us a five-star review on iTunes, liking our Facebook page, and following at PIATpod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morton Clark, who also wrote

all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content of all the contact page at skating, 80s.com. I've been looking forward to that moment in the book since we started to advise. I saw that question and I'm like, well, you just can't ask that to a science geek, right? You would have to say or scientists if you ask me that question.

Henry Kissinger. Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Karl Marx, Sigmund Freud. Paul Newman's half Jewish Fritz Haber You keep naming entertainers The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2019 All rights reserved