The Scathing Atheist - 337: Oy Canada Edition

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

In this week’s episode, Canada will oppress its dozens of Jews by holding its election on a day that ends in Y, a bishop teaches us to create a gay fetus with this one simple trick, and America will be less stupid than ever, which is still really stupid. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Find out more about the “One More Round” podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/one-more-round/id1446775328?mt=2 --- Headlines: The Catholic AG is bringing back the death penalty; that hypocrisy is irrelevant: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/26/the-catholic-ag-is-bringing-back-the-death-penalty-that-hypocrisy-is-irrelevant/ Canada’s Elections Conflict with a Jewish Holiday and Demand Someone Cares: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/26/canadas-elections-conflict-with-a-jewish-holiday-should-voting-day-be-moved/ Gallup poll shows 40% of Americans are creationists, but a record-high 22% accept reality: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/26/gallup-40-of-americans-are-creationists-but-a-record-high-22-accept-reality/ Christian Ministry Posts Video Trashing Preachers Who Promote Social Justice: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/24/christian-ministry-posts-video-trashing-preachers-who-promote-social-justice/ Greek Orthodox priest says gay people are caused by pregnant women having anal sex: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/27/greek-orthodox-priest-gay-people-are-caused-by-pregnant-women-having-anal-sex/ NE Woman Demands Spiderman Sculpture Come Down Because She Thinks It’s the Devil https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/18/ne-woman-demands-spiderman-sculpture-come-down-because-she-thinks-its-the-devil/ --- This Week in Misogyny: WIllow Creek church still lying: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/25/after-pastors-sex-scandal-willow-creeks-leaders-are-running-from-the-facts/ Woman sues megachurch for mishandling sex abuse allegations: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/27/woman-sues-megachurch-for-1-million-for-mishandling-her-sex-abuse-case/ Focus on the Family book blames wives for cheating husbands: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/30/a-new-book-from-focus-on-the-family-blames-women-when-their-husbands-cheat/

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into believing the next debate takes place on the astral plane committee because honestly the fact that i just said it might have done the trick and now the scathing atheist hey i'm joshua i'm david and we're the hosts of the podcast one more round where we probe everything from politics to pop culture and during our probing we actually discovered that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Well, they were just probing each other all the time back then, weren't they? Monkey men and monkey women, they were probing. And that's how we evolved.

I believe it. It's science. It's just basic science. Hashtag science rules. It's Thursday. It's August 1st. And we're not mad at God. We're disappointed. I'm a little pissed.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bos're disappointed. I'm a little pissed. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from John Travolta's New Jersey. Damn right. Cincinnati Swing State. And good husband Georgia.

This is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Canada will oppress its dozens of Jews by holding its election on a day that ends in Y. A bishop teaches us to create a gay fetus with this one simple trick. And America will be less stupid than ever, which is still really stupid. But first, the diatribe. Okay, word of warning.

I might get a little mushy on the diatribe this week because over the weekend, I finally got a chance to meet my favorite listener, and I can't imagine anybody has ever been as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. So a little bit of background. We here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm Entertainment love all our listeners equally, except April. She's our favorite. Everybody else is tied for second,

but she's one of the few listeners that's been with us since the very beginning. I'm pretty sure she started listening on episode two. And when we first added a donation button to our website, she was among the first five or six people to kick us a few bucks for our efforts. So that already puts her in rarefied company. She was also one of the first listeners to write in to take issue with something we said. And though I'd forgotten this until she reminded me this weekend, the very first thing I ever addressed to her specifically was an email that started with, normally I just tell people to fuck off in situations like this, but,

and that's how all the best friendships start. Now, since then, I've talked with her online so much that I count her among my closest friends. We just hadn't gotten to that part where we actually physically meet yet. Now, I should point out that for the first year or so that we were doing the show, it didn't even rise to the level of part-time job, right? I mean, we were putting part-time job amounts of work into it, but the money coming back wouldn't have gotten us up to minimum wage in Somalia for the hours invested. But a few listeners like April just kept sending a few bucks a month, month after month, never a huge amount, just what they could spare. And because of them, we were able to upgrade our audio equipment, start doing the show weekly, and even eventually expand it to an hour. Then, about a year after the show started, I lost my job.

And it was a job I expected to retire from. You know, it wasn't the kind of job one would even think one could lose, but I did. And after to get dedicating more than a decade of my life to building this business, I had to check out with no backup plan. What's more, at the time, I lived in a company house and drove a company car. So when they kicked me to the curb, they left me with nothing. I had to borrow money from one of my coworkers just to drive my wife and my cats to a town cheap enough for me to rent an apartment in. This was probably the lowest point in my life. And I honestly don't know how I made it through without you, without our listeners, without April at all. Even setting aside the fact that you guys are the ones that eventually hired me when I was unemployed and

allowed me to do something for a living that I love so much I was already doing it for free. Even if I'd had to go to work at some shit job that I hated after that, the words of encouragement and the ready offers of help were enough to keep me out of the darkest places my mind wanted to go. I was the first and greatest beneficiary of the community that this show created. And that's why it struck me as so odd this weekend when I met April and she thanked us for creating this community. We didn't do that. She did. Communities, by definition, almost create themselves.

Sure, we might have offered up a focal point, but that would have been nothing if the Aprils of the world didn't fill it with their wit and their heart and their humor. And whatever we can offer back to the community will always pale in comparison with what it's given to us. See, when we do live shows, it's actually a series of events over two days. The main thing is the live show, of course, that's usually on a Saturday night. But the Friday before that, we do a platinum night. It's like an intimate affair, maybe a dozen and a half attendees or so all watching the movie together, doing contests, playing games. Then before the main show, we do a VIP get together with a slightly larger crowd where we meet at a bar, have a few drinks, meet and mingle, shake hands, take selfies, et cetera. And then

after the show, we usually go to yet another bar and hang out with all the people who couldn't afford the VIP tickets or hadn't already gotten enough of us. And I'm sure it comes as no surprise to anybody that events with Heath are generally bracketed by visits to bars on either side. But I bring this up because for an introvert like myself, that's the hardest part of the job. I mean, you guys are really nice. I really like you, but I'm terrified of you because you're people, you know, especially your people who have expectations of me beyond not pissing myself at the first sign of human interactions. I'm significantly more comfortable in front of a crowd than in one, right? I sit around the VIP meetups looking forward to getting on stage where I can finally shed those gastric butterflies now he's gregarious and eli's better at faking it than i am so they keep it from

being overly awkward but even if they were as clammy as i was it wouldn't matter invariably when i hover from group to group at these things i'm hovering into interesting conversations between our listeners i'm hovering into circles of new friendships. I see, you know, random attendees exchanging phone numbers and making plans to ride to the next big convention together. I see community in action, and I take comfort in the fact that I may not be socializing as much as I should, but I'm also like the least interesting person in the room, right? I can't help but think about that in relation to the Sunday assembly movement. For those unfamiliar, it's like a godless church service, a bunch of atheists getting together on a Sunday morning to sing secular songs and talk about secular morality. And I've never actually been to one of those things, but I like them in principle.

It's like methadone for religion. But the recent statistics show that they're not doing very well in terms of attendance. And I don't think it's because they're a bad idea. I think it's because they're a bad idea i think it's because they're a transitory one see getting together on a sunday and dressing up and being sociable is a terrible fucking idea getting together and dressing up and being sociable is fine but sunday fucking morning right i guess if you get forced into that long enough it seems natural but it's literally the worst possible time to call upon people to be sociable. Atheist church doesn't have to be a church service with all the religious stuff covered over with masking tape. It can just

be a bunch of people making fun of an Alex Jones movie with an open bar. It can be a convention. It can be an after party. It can be a birthday party. It could be the whole goddamn world if we ever reach the point where none of us have to be scared to wear the godless label. Anyway, maybe that's aspirational. The point of the diatribe isn't to nail that down or even to narrow it down. The point is that April thanked me for creating this community, and I wanted to pass her thanks down to the people who actually did all the work. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Malleus and Incas to my stapes, Heath Enright and Eli Bostic. Fellas, are you ready to ear our grievances? I never say no to oral. Oral. Oral. Hope it's not too corny. Oh, because ear because ear of porn.

That's actually really good. Thank you. That was nice of you to laugh like that. Thank you. That's my job. There is one in our lead story tonight. Oh, there you. Okay.

All right. The rules have changed, everybody. No, they? Okay. Alright. Alright. The rules have changed everybody. No, they've been the same. We're just admitting them now. Getting real honest here on the Scammy Ape. How about that lead story? Lead story, guys. Ready? Ready? Right? First story of the day.

Here it is. His name is... In our lead... Nope. In our lead story tonight. The United States of America is going to start murdering human beings again as soon as possible. Sorry, Heath, again? Like we stopped? We sort of stopped. We didn't full stop, but we sort of recently didn't actually do it. I'll explain. So apparently we've got a guy in charge of tracking the important economic indicators like, you know, GDP, unemployment, killing people. And he noticed we were lagging on that last one.

So that's what we're going to be doing. last one so that's what we're going to be doing instead of putting people in jail forever which costs way less money and is also you know not murder there's that we're dropping our unofficial policy of not actually executing those people and firing up the very official program of killing a hostage every five minutes until people stop doing crime. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we're doing. Our new murder policy basically has a watch tap at the end.

And look, normally I'm not a rah-rah patriot, obviously, but our numbers on the killing people thing are only low because they're not counting Yemenis. And that's not fucking fair. Okay. I'm sorry.

It's the one thing we're better at than women's soccer. I get a little upset. Yeah. So in response to the new policy, Catholic groups are going crazy about this big violation of their religious doctrine. Weird. Apparently, this is the only move by the Trump administration

that goes against the Catholic understanding of the Bible. Can't think of anything else, just this one. And these groups all made big official statements about how they're unconditionally pro-life across the board. Are you? Well, I guess the board doesn't include

refugees or people without health insurance or victims of their rapey cabal. no um you know or people who might be affected by a nuclear holocaust that's not part of the board flammable people right yeah yeah flammable human beings it's a weirdly small board that they're anti-death across right it's just a weird thing to use also like i i know this is america so we're used to it but i want to emphasize anyway the fact that they're like the most viable strategy that occurred to them was, hey, the lives of these fully grown humans are every bit as important as this clump of cells the length of 16 grains of salt.

Come on, guys. Yeah, murdering people is bad for so many reasons. And it's weird to rank them i get that but that being said it's extra disappointing to see this new policy from the justice department considering attorney general william bar is catholic like this could be that one time their stupid fucking belief system could broken clock itself into a good policy yeah right before he was about to not murder people for the dumbest reason bar just you know shook his watch and he was like hold on um not so sure the 82 year old man who dresses up like little white riding hood every day is correct about literally everything

uh go ahead and poison that guy while i figure this out. We'll get this. And by then, it was any other time, and he went back to being Catholic, so it didn't even help. Hey, say what you want about Bill Barr, but he went all in on the evil, right? Come on, we didn't see that. He just said he went back to being Catholic.

Phrase it however you want, I guess. Tomato to murder. Yeah, so um bottom line our policy of sort of not murdering people was a little too humane for this administration uh that being said now that sarah huckabee sanders is gone we're at least a little bit less likely to go with her idea of club hunting death row inmates inside an electrified forest but it also hasn't been ruled out i didn't see anything about that not being the plan either way the companies that make deadly poison as their job decided to distance themselves from the u.s

government that's what happened that's not a great sign but don don't worry, we'll work around that and kill some people soon. We scheduled like five new executions recently. And if history teaches us anything, that workaround, more often than not, will literally be untested chemicals

gathered up by fellow inmates. Jesus. At least District 1 got to dress funny. That's right. Wigs, hats, and shit. And in I'm gonna get you, sucka, news tonight,

a group of Orthodox... Thank you. Thank you. A group of Orthodox Jewish Canadians has asked Canada to reschedule its entire motherfucking election this year because voting day falls on the 231st most important Jewish holiday

and fuck them. Yes. That's like the middle of the range, by the way, in terms of importance. There's a lot. So the holiday in question is Shemeni Atzeret, this eighth day of Sukkot, is a holiday where jews build a straw hut in their driveway and like eat dinner there for a week because modern judaism is a 400 person telephone game of religions it's fucking nonsense okay so first of all sukkot is supposed to be

seven days right yes but they also gave a name to the eighth day so some of all, Sukkot is supposed to be seven days. Right, yes. But they also gave a name to the eighth day, so some of them say it's an eight-day holiday. Whatever, apparently that's a holiday too, the eighth day counts because it has a name. But even if Canada bumps the election one more day, Judaism also named the ninth day of their seven-day holiday. There's a name for that too. Of their seven-day holiday. There's a name for that, too. Also, it's hard to take you seriously when the origin is the mobile tabernacle for the Ark of the Covenant used by Moses in the desert.

And now we're supposed to move elections for, like, day eight of mall kiosk week. Yeah. Come on. Right. You remember when you were a kid, you tried to convince your parents that December 23rd must be Christmas, Adam. So you should get to open a present then, too. It's like that, but with national fucking elections. Yep.

Yeah. Because apparently some Jews just can't make the time in their busy schedule of sitting in a straw hut that day to vote or, or to vote early because there are Jewish holidays on three of the four early voting days that are scheduled this year or, or to vote by mail because then they'd have to buy stamps. That's not even a holiday thing. They just don't want to do that. So can you not write stuff on paper on those holidays? None, none have writing paper days.

So instead both of Canada'ss would like to upend the voting process for an entire country in one of the most important elections of the last 50 fucking years and it's literally a festival of booths. Right. There's voting booths. Just sprinkle some straw on the voting booths. What are you doing? This fits right in. Yeah. So, no official decision

has been made yet and it actually looks like those two Canadian Jews might have to vote by mail or show up the day even they fucking admit it isn't a holiday. But,

I swear to sweet baby Jesus himself, if these whiny, feckless cunts do get the election moved, I will go to their Jew houses on election day and walk them to the voting booth at Machete Point. Again, it will not take long. There are five Jews in all of Canada. I'm talking about an afternoon trip.

Canada. Supposed to say out the whole word. Fellas, this is why you have Quebec. Okay? I know your instinct is to apologize to the Jews and do what they ask, but in this instance, just let Quebec handle it, okay? Basically, anytime it's a matter of religions with hats, give it to Quebec. They'll figure it out just right and mean about it.

They're fun. They're fun little mean people there. Anyway, next up in headlines we have some good news and some bad news uh the good news the percentage of americans who think fossils are a ponzi scheme is just about at its lowest point of all time the bad news this was a record that we were capable of breaking. Yeah. Because we started at not zero for that number. According to a new Gallup poll, 40% of American adults are young earth creationists who believe that God created human beings in our exact current form approximately 6,000 years ago, maybe 10,000. And these people are allowed to drive cars on our roads next to us and breed. They're allowed to breed. They're allowed to

vote in our elections. Yeah. I mean, those last two are the ones that really bother me. But if we can just cut out number two, the problem does solve itself. I'm just saying. We're just self outdoubt and payroll. I want to applaud Eli for coming around to the forced sterilization of my enemy's idea. Better late than never. Also, I want to point out that that's a good 10% above the number of people with college degrees in this country. Just in case anybody's thinking about making that more affordable. It's more expensive than the forced sterilization thing, but it's also a viable way to tackle this problem.

Let's go with mine first. Well, it depends on how you sterilize them, I guess. You have that machete after all. It won't take four years. Lots of ideas. We're going to figure it out. So here's the full picture we got from this latest poll. Again, 40% american grown-ups believe

in young earth creationism 40 also believe that the media is a bigger threat than white supremacists jesus that's another real stat about 40 of american adults i'm guessing those two numbers were one of the like hands-up situations and then it was like okay uh leave them up for uh articles are hard and nazis are adorable in spite of themselves uh great same exact people okay that makes it easy we can just we'll just write times two on that 40 percent number anyway uh we also learned that 33 percent of americans believe that evolution might be somewhat real, but also believe that God was helping, like walking behind evolution and fixing it like a kid learning to ride a bike.

And 22% believe in real reality, which is an all-time high. That 22% number is a record. I'm going to repeat that last one 22 percent believing in reality is an all-time high record yes and and let's be clear here that's the percentage that agree on this one real thing right like if you want reality across the board you're way down in the single digits yeah and if you want proof that democracy is a mistake, keep in mind that right now, if we voted, reality would lose in a fucking landslide, right?

We'd all just be kicking our feet in the dirt going, I really wanted reality to win. Reality didn't inspire me enough. Fuck you. And one other detail I noticed noticed those percentages i gave you uh i'm guessing some of you already recognize this they add up to 95 which means five percent of american adults believe in something besides evolution or not evolution not sure what that would look like.

They think like an infinite improbability drive just poofed us all into existence as fully formed humans, but it's like a secular improbability drive. I don't know. Or maybe God created a different number of total percentages than we think. No idea. Mysterious ways.

But I really want to meet these people that are in that 5% and then leave pretty soon after that. But I want to meet him for a second. Okay. Well, apparently he forgot he has a standing invitation and a free place to stay in South Georgia where any number of people would be happy to explain how and why the aliens did it. So while I remind him of that, we're going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. did it. So while I remind him of that, we're going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage.

For my money, the main thing religion offers its adherents is an inconvenient means of blame shifting. Fuck up and get fired from your job? God must be testing you. Do something morally reprehensible? Devil must have tempted you. Take advantage of an unfair system that favors people of your color, gender, or sexual orientation? Jesus must have been looking out for you. So it should come as no surprise that an institution founded on blaming the wrong thing has a little trouble figuring out where to pin the culpability when they fuck up.

Take for your first example the Willow Creek Church in Chicago. In March of last year, stories started rolling in about the church's founder, Bill Hybels, harassing several women, including an assistant that he sexually harassed for years. And the church responded exactly how we'd expect a church to respond. They rallied around their pastor, called his accusers liars, accused them of colluding to take him down, They rallied around their pastor, called his accusers liars, accused them of colluding to take him down, fired the church leader sympathetic with them, and then gave the accused pastor a standing ovation when he denied the charges publicly. And as much as they were hoping that that was the end of it, it wasn't. The church continued to be plagued by these allegations, and that led to a long string of church leaders quitting in protest. So last Tuesday, they held a meeting without the accused harasser and tried to put the whole thing to rest once and for all, except they still never admitted

that they did anything wrong, never mentioned Bill Hybels, and never apologized for publicly labeling his victims as liars. Needless to say, the bulge under the rug will not go unnoticed. Of course, this is far from an isolated incident. We got word this week about a victim of child sex abuse suing the Village Church in Texas for a million bucks over their gross mishandling of her sexual assault claim. The unnamed plaintiff claims that she was molested by a church employee during a church-sponsored camping trip at the age of 11. In response, they fired the molester, but not before giving him a severance package and telling the congregation it was because of his alcohol problem. As for the victim, well, they paid for eight of her counseling sessions and gave her a thousand dollar gift for Christmas one year, as a thanks apparently for her

complicity in covering up her own molestation. Seems like they came in about, oh, three zeros short though. And while we're on the subject of misplaced blame, I can't help but add on this story I saw on The Friendly Atheist this week. It turns out that our old friends that focus on the family have a new book out called How God Used the Other Woman, Saving Your Marriage After Infidelity. And yes, it's about exactly what the title just said. How it's the wife's fault her husband cheated on her, her job to fix it, and God endorsed the whole plan. Just tossing it out there because I know mama bear apologetics can't last forever. And on that note, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in god-awful movies news tonight, a new documentary is in the works by Founders Ministry this week about the dangers of women and black people talking. Talking together or each group talking in general? I could see them making a Christian movie about both of them. It's not clear. It is not. Yeah, so billed with the working title of By What what standard the documentary takes on the problem of southern baptists being too progressive just let me repeat that again yep the documentary is about how the southern baptists are too progressive We use uranium on our burning crosses like God intended. None of this milk toast gasoline like Southern Baptist pussies. No, I can actually back this up, though.

I've been back down south for about a year, and every single church sign I've seen condemning gay people to hell has not used a slur in describing them. So they're right. Yeah, it's getting it's getting better so if you're wondering what it is that worries the makers of the film again i i wasn't kidding at the beginning their problems are literally that the southern baptist convention let a lady talk and that someone at that same convention said that maybe white people should listen to black people which they demonstrate in their little trailer by having people say that stuff over spooky horror music. Yeah.

All right. Well, these cucks didn't even address miscegenated co-ed conversation like Heath was talking about. We need to make a movie about this. We could definitely get a Kickstarter going. Okay, so listeners, you owe it to yourself and to future generations to watch this fucking video. This trailer is three minutes long and it has it all. There's a haunted house sound effect accompanying a white man with the audacity to suggest he might be able to learn from black people. One of the creepy bad guy clips is seriously, it's somebody saying that churches should seek outside help when they have problems with sex abuse and in case i haven't

already sold it to you check out this actual unadulterated fucking clip and then we talk ourselves into outsmarting the bible and uh it's almost like yeah let's try a little bit well no that wouldn't matter either and then you wake up one day and like you're egalitarian egalitarian I did not add any of those sound effects that was theirs a hundred percent un-fucking lampoonable

do not think that word means but you think it means equalness either way cannot wait to get our hands on this one over at Godawful Movies because, hey, say what you want about the Southern Baptists. They make

for some awesome job security on our part. Am I right? And next up in headlines, we may have finally discovered the scientific basis for how gay people are created. Oh, yeah.

Lots of people are saying like, you know, sperm and egg stuff. But turns out it's a bit more complicated. And that's why we have experts. So according to Greek Orthodox Bishop Neophytos Masouras, who splits his time between Greek Orthodox bishoping and also Greek Orthodox sexuality science, apparently. According to him, if you want to make a gay child, you got to make sure you have anal sex while you're pregnant. Because gay equals butt sex. Well, right. Yeah, exactly.

There you go. Should we tell him about gay women? We shouldn't tell him anything. Only if you get to do it and I get to film the look on his face, Eli. So, yeah, you probably have a few questions. Eli already had one. But just hold off until you hear the explanation. He'll probably address your issue.

So, here's how it works. According to the biologist named neophytos who looks like a zz top lawn gnome and should be taken very very seriously he explained that being gay is an anally transmitted fetal condition in which the enjoyable sensations of butt sex that he heard about from a greek friend are noticed by the fetus via the anal pleasure nerve placenta located in your colon yep exact words quote a desire is created which is then transmitted to the unborn child. End real quote. So, um, any questions? No, I feel like he covered everything. Checks out.

And in fact, if you overstimulate the anal sexia majoria in the fetus, I hear it gives you a sibilant S right away. That's where that comes from. I love that the heart of this message, regardless of its accuracy or inaccuracy, is that anal sex is so good even your fetus comes. Right? Like I feel like his mistress was in the corner of the room while he was explaining this or something. Yeah. So this new discovery actually dovetails kind of nicely with our previous understanding of how this all works. As many listeners may remember,

we learned from Kuwaiti New Age therapist, doctor in quotes, Mariam Al-Soel, that the cure for being gay is related to the cum-eating ass worm inside your rectum that makes you want to have butt sex so that you get plenty of semen in there for the worm to eat. Yep, actual thing that was said by a human. Fairly memorable discovery in science. So to cure the gayness, you just put a suppository up there that satiates the worm.

And now we know that the worm shows up in the fetus in the first place because of all the come-eating worm DNA that's involved in butt sex during pregnancy. I think it all makes sense. Wait, wait, don't tell me. So then we swallow a frog to catch the fly. Well, not swallow, not swallow, but you're on the right track. This also, by the way, explains the latte data from Dr. Manning.

Ooh. But if you swallow the frog to catch the fly, then you get a gay frog who loves sucking dicks. It's a whole Alex Jones's panty. Anyway, new Patreon goal. We need this assworm lady and this pregnant butt sex guy to start working together as soon as fucking possible. That is a Nobel Prize waiting to happen. Yep.

I've been saying for years that pregnant pegging is the way to create a lesbian who doesn't want a lesbian on purpose that would be great if you could do that but nobody wants to do any science nobody ever wants to do any science so these two might finally make it happen let's hit that goal patreon.com slash it's been deleted. And finally tonight in Nebraska stupid question news. A Nebraska woman was stupid in a far more embarrassing way than some person born after 1995 wondering what a dark room is last week. When she called upon her city council to remove a satanic statue of red hands making devil horns that had been placed near a city park. This is the best. Which would be at least nominally stupid,

even if the statue hadn't been of Spider-Man. Spider-Man? No, all I want to see is this lady walking through the UT Austin campus just screaming in terror. They seem to be doing a thing with the cow. Is that it's a long horn. I can't tell which is which. It's a golden calf of some sort.

That's right. Say no to shirt. No, it was just the cow. It was the long horn again. Say no. I should leave the campus. Yes, that's right. How did I get on a college campus?

What am I doing here? Yes, that's right. The Lincoln, Nebraska resident identified in news reports as Norma Osborne saw a statue of Spidey's hand and web slinger configuration and just assumed that the liberal elitists running Lincolnbraska had opted to honor the horned one with a public works project so she sent an email in which she dubbed the statute demonic anti-christian and quote a hate crime against the church and quote crime yep cool i and Herci Ali and Spider-Man on the same list. Which means, by the way, that the city's ombudsman inherited the Herculean task of writing a reply that said, know that Spider-Man without using the phrase, you fucking idiot. No chance he made it.

They had to hold him down. He had to voice dictate it on his 38th draft. They're just tackling him. Redacted portions of his email. That's got to be a lot of this guy's job, though. Probably a lot. I want to see him at his first ombudsman conference.

Just going around the room. He's like, Hey, everyone. I'm Dave from Nebraska. So, Spider-Man isn't Satan, am I right right right oh i got one of those about that yeah the south dakota guys we got his hand raised um and and look if this was just a story about a stupid person mistaking spider-man for the prince of darkness i would i would still talk about it because stupidness is funny especially when spider-man's involved but it's also worth emphasizing that this fetish for finding Christian persecution through reactionary ignorance is actually the goal. Right. And like, even if she did know this was Spider-Man, the very fact that it could be construed as idolatry makes her significantly more correct than when people level similar charges against red coffee cups birth control

mandates or laws that require businesses to serve lgbt customers and she called it a hate crime think about how little you have to know about history and right fucking now to call a statue of an invisible goat demon a fucking hate crime it was a statue of spider-man's hands though to be clear it wasn't even that but that would be insane too yeah all right well per andrew anytime eli seems this excited about demonstrating what an anti-christian hate crime would actually look like we have to close the headlines and sedate him. So, Heath, Eli, thanks as always. My laughter is real. Eli's exactly as funny as you think. And when we come back, we'll poke the bear.

According to New York University, the 30th ranked college in the nation, Eli Bosnick is an expert in English. Don't hold them to that. The language, not the spin on the billiard ball. The language. And while stating that publicly no doubt changes the numbers at least a little, it's a pretty good answer to the inevitable question of why is Eli the one reading the book

that's bound to accompany this week's installment of God Awful Books. So, Eli, we've all made a pretty good effort to purge what we learned last time around can you can you give us a quick refresher on mama bear apologetics indeed i can or not it doesn't matter so uh hillary morgan farer is a looney tune whose recommended source page includes an sblc listed hate group and a lady who will come to your school and warn you about the dangers of Satan worship in Hollywood. She'll also come to your local Wendy's. Getting her to leave is a bitch, but yeah. Local subway platform, whatever. Yeah.

So in the introduction, we learned that one time her friend's kid got turned atheist because his boss at Sears told him God was dead. And damn it, if that didn't mean it was time for her to make some money on America's second largest natural resource, Christian fear. Yeah. Number one is gumption. I guess gumption. Bootstraps. Thank you. Bootstraps and gumption.

Tied. Exactly. Because every American has both. So that brings us to chapter one, Calling All Mama Bears. My kid has a Cheerio shoved up his nose. Why am I reading this book? Chapter one.

What? Why? It's a good sign when you feel like the first question you have to answer is, why the fuck did I buy this? Chapter two, hear me out. Let me finish. Right. And I got to point this out because no one's going to read this but me, hopefully.

This book is written like Hilldog scribbled it on her way into class. Right. The very first sentence of this chapter is, quote, I rather enjoy the phone conversations I have with my mom friends. End quote. The Oxford English Dictionary defines phone conversations. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So Hillary opens with a lot of being a mom is great. Being a mom is hard, but she's an idiot,

so we get quotes like this one. Quote, moms are like managers, except they don't just manage people, they create them. What? So you know how everyone's been inside their manager's vagina at some point?

I'm nailing this analogy. Forgive me for wanting to move up the corporate ladder, Heath. Anyway, Eli, go on. Right. Now it's time for the section titled, Why Do We Care About Apologetics? In which Hillary explains that while a lot of people came to apologetics late in life, when they started to realize the Bible is bullshit,

Julie never realized the bible was bullshit real quote real quote during my growing up years um childhood yep yep my timey up early time time not of death and not of also fuckable. Pre-fuckable post-baby. If mom and dad said it, I believed it. They said Christianity was true, so I didn't question it. End quote. And again, in the book, this is a good example to her. This is like a good thing.

Wow. Right, yeah. Who's more qualified to answer the question than the person too stupid to have bothered to ask it? Yeah. She also has this weird moment of insight that I just want to point out. So, quote, I've had plenty of opportunities to be angry at God, my mom's cancer, my cancer, my sister's terminal cancer and recent death, my depression, childlessness, you name it.

But Hilldog says, quote, to reject the existence of God would be the most irrational conclusion I could come to, and I refuse to be irrational. End quote. So instead, she was like, all right, rational conclusion. God hates me. Skeptic.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a sadistic ghost to appease. Yep. So her point here is that sometimes she doesn't feel like God is real, but she always knows that God is real. And the metaphor she uses for that is that it's like a house

where the foundation is knowing she's right and never questioning it yeah and the windows are feeling she's right and never questioning it yeah so my epistemology got condemned by the zoning board but yeah still feeling good about it yeah and apparently she just turned her editor's notes into section headings because now it's time for a section called how to get people excited about apologetics fellas are you fucking psyched i will remove one article of clothing for every god you can prove exists yes all right there we go so the reason most people get excited about apologetics yeah is um when literally anyone says anything they disagree with that's uh that's where apologetics come from when they have a bad

experience uh when they meet someone of a different religion or quote one of the more mobilizing experiences is when a person witnesses firsthand the spiritual slaughter that is taking place on college and university campuses and quote knowledge all right it is time to de-platform all these professors who get fucking speaking gigs at universities yep now it's time for her to get a little bit serious with us guys you guys ready really because apologetics isn't just for fun. Young people are leaving the church in droves because of the youth exodus. Oh, I thought you were going to say rape. Nope.

Or us being wrong and also rape. Nope. That was wrong. No, so, no. No. So we switch narrators to Julie, like actively. It says Julie here, which is both clumsy and unnecessary in this book because all she does is tell us what the youth exodus means. But yeah, so youth exodus means people going to college and leaving the church in case you're wondering cool so that is what youth and exodus mean as words um back to you hillary and julie

english dictionary goodbye julie So in the section titled, Come on, how big is the problem really? The sub-fucking headings are art doing with her. I love this so much. Boo. This is when Julie ducked behind the writing desk because she's out? Yeah.

She says, Most studies indicate between 45% and 48% of youth leave the church after their freshman year in college and never return. End quote. I wish. All right, everybody look to your left. Now look to your right. One of those people is a bigot who we're going to fix. Yeah. So this study that she's quoting, by the way is uh done by lifeway research and defines church dropouts as people who attended twice a month or more for the last year in high school who stopped attending church regularly for at least a year between the ages of 18 and 22

huh what yeah so so when their parents stopped making them do it they stop doing it must be satan hiding in the hacky sack circles or something i can see why she's concerned so now it's time for a section that's so goddamn close to self-aware i was worried we were gonna have to like cancel the segment which is what exactly have they left section five what would you say we do here i don't know so helldog's answer is a lot of shit and again she's actually kind of self-aware she's like well you know some people leave because church is bullshit or because their priests fuck them because they don't believe anymore or maybe they were just switching over to wooey you know the usual but either way that's all bad she wants us to know that's all bad yeah look we get it we raped you now get over it yeah

that's a late it gets its own chapter now i do love her definition of wooey christianity here i might pick it up and start using it quote they have redefined him to be somewhat like a big genie in the sky who wants them to be nice to others will help them when they are in trouble and wants them to be happy this is called therapeutic moralistic deism end quote right but what happened to all those clobber passages where we literally clobber gay people? I like that. I like the clobbering. I love that the very first thing she wants to push back against is that this notion that like Jesus wants them to do good stuff.

Right. If there's only one fucking thing you take away from this. No, God hates you. Right. fucking thing you take away from this no god hates you all right and just in case you weren't already shaking for our youth in your ugg boots she's got some more poorly sourced stats to hit us with all of which are scary for the wrong fucking reason because tom brady's a spokesman for ugg boots yeah i'm guessing so side note all of these numbers are from the Jesus Survey, which, like all great scholarship, is only available on Amazon.

Yeah, that tracks because if Amerageddon was a self-help apologetics book, it's this. Or a survey, yeah. Yeah. So, here are the numbers. Among self-proclaimed

Christian teens, scare quotes hers, 41% were uncertain whether Jesus was physically resurrected. Oh, hold on. So they're on the fence about a guy getting crucified and rising from the dead. That's the craziest fence in existence. Really? Well, I love it. Like lack of certainty is the first problem she has with dealing with unverifiable claims, right? Yeah, the word uncertain was the scary part there. 63% didn't believe Jesus was the son of the one true God. Okay, so 63% of Christians are not Christian?

Good stat. okay so 63 percent of christians are not christian that's yeah yeah no we just keep reapplying that we get rid of all of them yeah yeah 44 percent believed the bible to be just one of many authoritative voices about jesus yeah i'm guessing they're not talking about dostoevsky that is pretty much all lee strobel fans yeah that's that i don't know if i'm buying this nearly half of christians are aware of multiple books premise but you know okay 60 are uncertain unsettled or confused about whether the bible can be trusted. Right. But with the Electoral College, we're still trusted. Well, yeah. Chapter 11, how not to count the legs on grasshoppers. It's coming. It is coming.

Spoiler alert. 70% express persistent, measurable doubts that what the Bible says about Jesus is true. Measurable doubts? What's a unit of doubt in her head? What doubt units are being used? I think a qualm. Like one qualm.

That sounds like a unit. Like a quantum unit of doubt. So the next section is an increasingly hostile world. And this is Julie again. Hi Julie. Very important. We switch narrators constantly next section is an increasingly hostile world and this is julie again hi julie important we switch hello narrators constantly by name yep hello julie again she wants us to know how serious this is because quote we are also now seeing gulp the first generation of these religious exiles

parenting their own brood wait sorry that was her gulp yeah her gulp was in the jesus the gulp and that was julie gulping julie gulping or hillary gulping nope julie gulped and julie also refers to non-religious exiles as broods i'm on location with a brood here we go yeah so now it's time for some myths about the child exodus. And if I may, I'd like to read the entire opening sentence here. You know how you have to fight to get that precious time alone in the bathroom? I see that chocolate bar tucked away in your book. What?

High five. Unrelated. But your children just will not leave you alone. In a similar way, Satan will work through peer pressure and cultural chaos to pressure your kids and won't leave them alone. End quote. Okay, so just to review. Hilary Ferrer is constantly trying to eat a Snickers and take a shit at the same time. Yep. But her kids use peer pressure and also cultural chaos to ruin her eat shits

and people are reading this lady's book for advice that's where we are i just want to give us some context yeah well to be super clear also satan won't let the kids eat their shit snickers in peace either. That's also it. God, I really want to watch that and I was just like, oh, finally some peace. Mom, that we cannot withstand the hammer. God damn it. Kids, don't. Hard

nihilism doesn't shake out in any real way. He says it in the book. Oh, they're gone. No, but there's cultural chaos, Mom. Alright, so myth one mom so mom okay so myth one they all walk away but then come back and her response to this myth is no no they don't which is which is true but but she also takes this opportunity to point out that maybe you're a bad mom because your kids walk away at all here's her quote i didn't walk away my kids haven't i know many others who haven't end quote so yeah fucker i love her first solution in this book is just never have this problem in the first place

you lazy asshole yeah uh myth two my kids go to awana youth group christian school slash homeschool they'll be okay i can definitely confirm that is not true right me. Me and Hilldog arm in arm on this one. Agree. Yeah. So she wants to be clear that like all that cult shit is great. It's awesome. Please do not stop the cult shit. But your kid might end up believing true things anyway. And she quotes Ken Ham's study that says that kids who grew up in Sunday school environments were more likely to have a secular worldview than those who didn't. So what we've learned is that kids reject all information.

So you got to raise them. Atheist. I got. Stop reading my book. What's a truly quick. She kind of answers it herself right her actual example she uses that you can't just like color in pictures of the ark you gotta convince your kid that god really did kill everyone on earth with a giant flood that's how you get them and then she takes a moment to just shit on youth groups for being too fun.

She quotes Frank Turek. Oh, wow. And Ken Ham in the same book. This is a good sign. Yeah. And here's his quote. Quote, what we win them with, we win them too. End quote.

Which is actually totally correct. Is actually a meaningless string of words? No, no. Because like youth group is fun, but you know what's more fun? Everything youth group has plus fucking and drugs. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Letting them even know fun exists

is probably working against the but come to church anyway message. And that's what she's saying. Yeah. That brings us to myth number three. They won't need apologetics training until college and can we just take a moment to acknowledge that this book is like look i know you think you can keep your kid from learning stuff until college but that's not true those little fuckers are

sneaky here's a literal quote from that section The culture itself has become just as corrosive as college. She's yeah, pretty much anywhere. There's a Finch beak. You're in danger. So yeah, just to be clear, this book in no uncertain terms says you have to wash your kid's brain early and often so they'll be ready to not learn when they leave the house. and often so they'll be ready to not learn when they leave the house.

She's just waiting on the couch in the dark when her kids come home late. Hey, come here. Is that fucking data on your brain? Just a light bulb hanging over her head. Which brings us at last to the final section of this chapter.

Okay, okay, I get it. But what can I do? These subtitles just get madder and madder at her as it goes. Fuck you. This is Julie. Now it's Hillary again. Section eight. This book I'm writing is amazing, right?

Right? I'm going to keep writing it now. Book, continue now. More book. Julie, get out of the way. Right. And her answer to what you can do is buy this book. Right?

Literally, she's just like, this book will help. Also, side note, she has a little shout out to friends of our show here. Quote, atheists now have their own alternative summer camp options like camp quest and the lgbt advocates are introducing propaganda in public school as early as kindergarten end quote which she immediately follows by recommending a series of apologetics picture books her friend wrote for five to ten year olds that's terrifying because these people clearly think, you know, Heather has two mommies is a book about lesbians fucking in front of their little kids. So I'm assuming this friend made hetero picture books for kids to counter that.

It's on the wish list. Right. So she concludes with this quote, by the time you're done with this book, we pray that you are hungry for apologetics and equipped to teach your cubs how to swallow the sweet honey of God's truth. Phrasing. Phrasing. Lady, hoping kids would swallow is what's been driving that exodus, just so you know.

All right. Now, good news. I know you guys miss Lee Strobel. There are discussion questions. Oh, God. You guys ready? Nope. Here we go.

Pass. Question one. This is the icebreaker. She says that because it literally is titled icebreaker. What have you said to your kids that you thought you would never say? Any elephant booty liquor parents in the room?

I never thought I would say here's a picture book about penis vagina sex. Or hetero elephant rimming. What the fuck was that last part of the question? Did you say elephant booty liquor parents? Yep. What? Hey, man, I didn't write the fucking book. Do you have any idea what that means?

No, none. Okay. I tried to Google it and I got some fun stuff, but I don't think I got the answer. Yeah. For my answer, I just had, can I please eat this shit Snickers in peace? Two, main theme, youth exodus. Do you know another parent who has experienced their child walking away from the faith?

Which statistic shocked you the most? The ratio of five star to one star reviews of this book. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant overall in life. Never mind. Oh, yeah, sure. A three self-evaluation. Have you ever found yourself saying or thinking any

of the myths about the youth exodus? How has your perspective changed? Did any of the myths hit close to home? Did any of the myths happen to you in real life? Stop reading my book. For brainstorm, what are some tough questions you've heard your child ask about faith that you could start researching for example why are you still donating to my rapist she'll get to it she will get to it and number five releasing the bear what check out the resources on the mama bear apologetics website What is one resource that you can start implementing into your weekly routine after reading Mama Bear Apologetics, empowering your kids to challenge cultural lies?

Look, there's some other good shit on the internet, but let's not lose track of where we are right now. Don't put the book down. It's me, Julie. They're all reading about elephant booty licker parents. Shouldn't have said that. Alright, well it probably wouldn't be correct to suggest that Hillary has more to say

but she certainly has more words. So we're going to close it there for tonight and pick the story up next time on God Awful Books. Before we take this episode of The Side of the Road tonight God awful books. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday.

And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be in dereliction of duty if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the brains of the operation. Lucinda Lusions for being the heart. And Eli Bosning for being the gallbladder, which is also very important. I also want to thank Joshua and David from the One More Round podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. So if you're feeling about 11 rounds in and you're wondering how it ends, you'll find their show linked in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most vivacious vertebrates,

Christopher, Michael, Matthew, Aaron, some random Stephen, Mox, and Samantha, Sonia, New, Joey, and Dave. Christopher, Michael, Matthew, and Aaron, whose sexual vitality legally requires South Carolina University to switch the mascot to the variably Gamecocks. Some random Steven, Moxon, and Samantha, who are so mellifluous acoustic tiles feel guilty about dampening their voices. And Sonia, New, Joey, and David, whose IQs are so high that even fully complimenting them would run this show over time. Together, these 12 transcendently talented troopers for truth tethered a token of tender

for tawdry tete-a-tese with Tabernacle's Tomfoolery this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at SkatingAdias.com. Checking. One second. I'm going to sneeze. What? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.