The Scathing Atheist - 338: Hard G Edition

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

In this week’s episode, we’ll pull out some long overdue roasts, the kids from Covington Catholic sue the time dimension for defamation, and America will make it through this whole intro without a mass shooting. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Christians say horrible stuff about mass shootings: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/04/oh-lawmaker-blames-dayton-shooting-on-homosexual-marriage-democrats-and-more/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/04/tx-lt-gov-blames-el-paso-shooting-on-not-letting-kids-pray-in-our-schools/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/04/preacher-blames-tx-shooting-on-nation-having-thrown-out-the-ten-commandments/ https://www.cnbc.com/2019/08/05/trump-condemns-racism-bigotry-and-white-supremacy.html An Ancient Cathedral in England Installed a Mini Golf Course To Get New Visitors: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/31/an-ancient-cathedral-in-england-installed-a-mini-golf-course-to-get-new-visitors/ Rick Wiles would like $100 million please: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/02/rick-wiles-i-need-100-million-to-preach-at-viewers-until-jesus-comes-back/ Italian Town Will Issue Hefty Fine to Anyone Who Commits Public Blasphemy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/29/italian-town-will-issue-hefty-fine-to-anyone-who-commits-public-blasphemy/ David Barton Claims Constitution Gives Christians Bonus Rights: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/the-constitution-gives-david-barton-more-protection-than-the-rest-of-you/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Christian mommy blogger: Women are less safe because of feminism: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/05/christian-mom-women-are-more-unsafe-today-because-of-feminism/ India’s Politicians Finally Criminalized “Triple Talaq” Islamic Insta-Divorces: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/07/31/indias-politicians-finally-criminalized-triple-talaq-islamic-insta-divorces/ Saudi women can walk in public without a hall pass now: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/05/saudi-women-can-finally-travel-without-a-man-but-theres-more-work-to-be-done/

Are you ready to shop? Rakuten's Big Give Week is back! It's a festival of savings with up to 15% cash back at your favorite stores. Don't miss headlining stores like Lenovo Canada, Expedia.ca, and Dyson. You'll find out what other shoppers already know. Rakuten is the best way to save. Big Give Week is from May 7th to May 14th. Join today for free and get a $5 bonus. Go to Rakuten.ca or download the Rakuten app today. R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Shoppers get it. Warning, this podcast contains profanity and there's fuck

all the FCC can do about it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey and by the new craft project for The Atheist on the Go. I told you so. Comes in Brett Kavanaugh, Mandatory and God We Trust, and Concentration Camp Patterns. I told you so. Maybe they'll listen if you put it on a pillow. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Liam, and as a software engineer, reading the genetic code is horrifying. It's an absolute mess of global variables, circular dependencies, magic strings,

and loosely coupled monkey-patching spaghetti code, 90% of which has been deprecated and left to bit rot. So either God is an idiot, or he did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's August 8th. And it's Balloons to Heaven Day. And we're the guys to tell you, none of them are making it. Nope, not a one. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Grover, Cleveland, New Jersey, Damright, Cincinnati, Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we pull out some long overdue roasts. The kids from Covington Catholic

sue the time dimension for defamation. And America will make it through this whole intro without a mass shooting, maybe. Checking. Yep. But first, checking the diatribe. okay so before i even get started lest this be taken as a both sides have good arguments type

of diatribe it's pronounced gif god damn. This isn't a regional pronunciation thing. It's not a to-each-their-own thing. There's a right way and a wrong way, and when you say GIF, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm fine with regional variations and even variations within individuals so long as we remain mutually intelligible, but that is not the case here. Now, before I go any further, I want to assure you that this is about religion eventually. But for right now, it's about how it's fucking pronounced gif. And I bring it up because I came across another online debate about it and made the mistake of perusing said debate. And I'm hearing all the same arguments everybody uses when this issue comes up. The guy who invented it pronounces it jif, says one side.

That's a peanut butter, says the other. When G's or C's are followed by an I or E, they're usually pronounced as softif says one side that's a peanut butter says the other when g's or c's are followed by an i or e they're usually pronounced as soft says one side gift gills girl gimmick gigawatt says the other when people say did you get the gift i sent you i hear gift i sent you replies the first when people say i'll send it to you in a jif. I think they'll mean it'll be soon, counters the second, and so on. And then invariably, we come to this argument, right? The G in gif stands for graphic, not traffic. And it seems like a pretty good argument. This is an argument I've used, but this time when I encountered it, I tried to peer at it through the eyes of the GIF crowd, and I realized that it's absolute shit. This argument makes no sense.

This is not a general rule in English, right? That we use the root word sound when we pronounce out acronyms. If somebody was pronouncing scuba as scubba, we wouldn't be swayed by the argument that he's not referring to self-contained underwater breathing apparatus, would we? that he's not referring to self-contained underwater breathing apparatus would we right and i'm not gonna lie that realization kind of fucked me up because until then that had always struck me as sort of the definitive argument or at least you know the best one that the gift side had and when i realized it was a shit argument i didn't change my mind now the reason i didn't change my mind is obvious mostly because i was already already right, so I didn't have to. But more to the point, it's because I didn't choose my pronunciation based on the root word. Right. When I saw GIF written out, I said GIF in my head. When I heard other people talking about it, they invariably said GIF. So the first time I ever encountered a GIF person, it sounded dumb. That's why I'm in the camp I'm in. it's also why you're in the camp you're in or maybe not maybe somebody in the world actually did change their pronunciation along the way and

if it was because they found that graphic argument convincing i feel real bad poking such a big hole in it now but at least the vast majority of us are on one side or the other for no logical reason that's just the side we started on so it's the side we defend and look i i cannot be clear about this enough it's pronounced fucking GIF, right? I am not saying both sides have equal claim to the pronunciation here. The majority of people say GIF, and outside of proper nouns, pronunciation is determined by the majority. It's also better since GIF isn't already a word that means very short period of time or brand of peanut butter. But I am saying that most of us got there arbitrarily.

The fact that most of us wound up arbitrarily the fact that most of us wound up in the same place stops it from being arbitrary of course and the need for communication kind of demands that we settle this right either that or the current trends continue for another couple of decades and we saddle our generations with some weird ass word like gif or jif but but i digress because that's not the point the point is the way that arguments work see i i chose the graphic argument not because that's the one that convinced me i don't even know what it stood for when i started pronouncing it gif it's just the best sounding argument that i'd heard on my side so when that argument was dismantled i

didn't feel like i needed a new opinion i just needed a new argument and i'm sure most of you who maybe relied on that same argument feel the same way, right? It's not because you're bad thinkers. It's not because you're obstinate. It's because that's how arguments work. And it behooves us to keep that in mind when we're dismantling religious arguments. See, I told you I'd get there. And I know we already know that, but it's really easy to lose track of that in real time, right? Some religious person gives you their best argument, you rip it to fucking shreds, and then they just give you their next argument or or walk away with their minds unchanged and we grow frustrated because we never get to see the part where they actually start looking for that better argument find it have some other atheist knock that one down to find an even better one have another atheist knock that one down realize they

have no good arguments, and maybe change their mind. I mean, that does happen, right? Like, we've met people to whom that has happened. We just don't get to fucking see it. Now, I want to be clear about the limits of my analogy here. The arguments for God are nowhere near as good as the ones on either side of the gif-jif debate. An argument that jif is a superior pronunciation, as insane and misguided as that might seem, is still way more plausible than the existence of a god. At least there's no way in which the jif pronunciation is self-contradicting. So you are certainly more justified in your frustration with religious debaters

than, for instance, the frustration that people who pronounce it jif feel as they listen to this diatribe. But to expect a radical change of opinion based on knocking down an argument, even their best argument, even their best series of arguments, ignores the purpose that arguments serve. Nobody in any religious debate has ever offered up the thing that

actually convinced them, right? And they might offer up the thing that reaffirmed their conviction after a period of doubt, but nobody has ever said, I'd also like to present how trustworthy my parents seemed when I was six in a formal debate. Right. Nobody ever said in rebuttal, I would like to point out how scary dying is. And that's not because they're dishonest about the roots of their beliefs. I mean, they are dishonest about the roots of their beliefs, but that's not why they don't use them as arguments. They're not even trying to tell

you what convinced them. They're trying to present the argument they think has the highest likelihood of convincing you. And like I said, in real time, that can be frustrating as hell. It feels like you won, but you didn't get the trophy. But one way to dampen that disappointment is to remember what the point of the debate was, not just because it's going to help you to be more patient, but also because it's going to help to remind you just how thoroughly you actually won. You'd already won before you dismantled the argument. You won just by not being convinced by it. Hell, they would never have offered it up to you if they thought it could be dismantled.

So no matter how petulant they seem in the moment, keep in mind that you just beat them 42 to nothing in a game of 21. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the lenses to my frame, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to subtly correct the errant perception of our listeners while I provide a structure that keeps you from meandering out of their field of vision? Two votes. Yes, the eyes have it. Nice, well done.

Like normally, I felt bad about that one because I usually try to give you a better comedy setup, but when a metaphor works that well, I kind of have to run with it. Anyway, we have to take a minute to pay the bills with a word from this week's sponsor, Honey. Hey, Heath, do you know where my... Why is there a tent in your room? have to take a minute to pay the bills with a word from this week's sponsor honey hey heath do you know where my why why is there a tent in your room oh hey eli hey noah i camped out for one of

those cyber sales you know uh gonna get some sweet sweet deals heath from the cyber sale why don't you just use honey oh no i do um i get my hands like covered in it right and then nope what i do is not that not that now my hands are covered and i can very important the honey we are talking about is a free browser add-on that finds you the best deals online wait so is it like its own website that does that honey finds discounts and coupons across 37,000 sites. I actually used Honey to buy a Nintendo Switch for Morgan and save 21 bucks. And because it's a browser add-on, it automatically saves you money. Plus, by downloading it, you'll be supporting cool people who support the show.

I will? That's right. Look, there's really no reason not to use Honey. It's free to use. It's easy to install on your computer with just two clicks so shop with confidence get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing that's joinhoney.com slash scathing oh honey the smart shopping assistant that saves you time and money when you're shopping online so you're saying I don't need to camp by my computer like this? Nope.

I mean, you never did, really. No, actually. Oh. Okay, guys. Can you help unstick me? I'm very, very stuck. From what? Everything. You can see it's just everything. I can see.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, in the wake of two mass shootings within 24 hours last week, Christian leaders are holding a massive online jingly keys orchestra of thoughts and prayers in hopes of drowning out anyone who might use the phrase gun control. Because guns don't kill people. God kills people. But he's got super good reasons and that includes reasons for all 31 people murdered in el paso texas and dayton ohio on saturday and god hasn't confirmed yet but this may also include the victims of the other four mass shootings that happened since then.

Jesus fucking Christ. Two in Chicago, one in New York, and one in Memphis. And also, whatever else might have happened while I was saying that sentence. So, if anyone has type zero thoughts, those are the universal donor type of thoughts. And we're running low. Yeah. America, definitely running low on thoughts yeah and and if you don't believe eli by the way i'll be happy to forward you the first six emails i get because

of this story from people saying i think their mother should have been raped because she had a gun once and heath noted an undeniable fact so yeah sorry about the fact noting so if you're keeping score at home, we've had 248 mass shootings in 2019 here in the U.S. That's 1.14 gun massacres on the average day. If there's one gun massacre today or tomorrow, that would make that a good day. We got lucky that day. It's kind of a weird system that God is running. You'd figure he'd go for a round number right right well i sure hope i get caught in one of those 0.14 shootings they sound

adorable right nerf guns or something and by the way if you have any faith in humanity left to lose you could spend it on facebook watching gun nuts try to talk that year-to-date total down into the low 70s. They shouldn't count if nobody died. Is that a win for you guys? I think so, yeah. Do you feel like you've won now? Great. Okay, well, if you're curious about how this system works that God made, we got plenty of detailed explanations this week. We'll start with failed radio host,

failed chain restaurant owner who went bankrupt, failed radio host again, and now lieutenant governor of Texas, Dan Patrick. You might remember him from last year when he responded to a school shooting, the one in Santa Fe, Texas, by blaming abortion and Nintendo. What? It's actually one of the few times those two things are on the same list. They're not normally. Yeah, it's just Dan Patrick's reasons for mass shootings and things that a Catholic priest does when he takes his niece out for the day. Well, and all the reviews of the virtual boy, if you guys remember that.

And yeah, his solution was not gun control. It was door control. It was control it was door control it was it was door control he thinks buildings with doors are the thing that's enabling lots of the gun violence and this week he added that there isn't enough mandatory school prayer on august 3rd yeah so that's why the white christian terrorist with the anti-hispanic manifesto killed 22 people at a walmart in el paso i mean those doors opened up right for him he didn't even have to do jedi hands i'm the lieutenant governor that's your job now too bigot to fail wow yeah let's see who else did we have ray comfort also weighed in on the issue of Too bigot to fail. Wow.

Yeah. Let's see. Who else did we have? Ray Comfort also weighed in on the issue of how God landed on another gun massacre. Are we going to say ooh-ooh? Yeah, it should be good. Okay. Ray? We'll stick with the ooh-ooh.

Okay. Love Ray. Yeah. Apparently, he had some extra time after putting a $1 bill inside a tract and slipping it into the slot of my car door like seriously that really happened i'm not joking i got a dollar from living waters ministry this week nice in my car okay well at least now you know what you always have to snort coke through right now your coke dollar forever i i just want to i want to add here that if Heath's thing now at live shows is everybody wants to

snort coke with him because of Ray Comfort and Eli's remains That's my new thing, yup. And Eli's remains that everybody wants to lick him because of Ray Comfort like there's no better encapsulation of you guys' relative stations in life. I think that's pretty much perfect.

You know what also happened? Ray Comfort blew me at my car. Tried that one. We did coke. He blew me. Yep. Yeah, so he got done with all that, done with blowing me, done with giving me that dollar. And then he posted a video on Saturday following the El Paso shooting in which he explained,

quote, once again, experts are mystified as to why these mass shootings are happening so often. No. Nope. No, they're not. The answer isn't complicated. Correct. experts are mystified as to why these mass shootings are happening so often no no no they're not the answer isn't complicated correct yep that part is correct continuing one more time as a nation we've thrown out the 10 commandments and that's left a generation without a measuring rod of good and evil end quote and we're back to nope again. Yeah. This neo-Nazi in Texas couldn't find the Ten Commandments anywhere, and that's why he did this, according to Ray Comfort.

Yeah, and because of that, he had no metric to gauge the morality of murdering 22 people. Gotcha. Thanks, Ray. Tricky. Yeah. And just for the record the el paso shooters manifesto

mentioned that his nazi bloodlust quote predates trump which was a weird detail to add there i was hating mexican people before it was cool like i don't understand that's not exactly the complimentary addendum for the president he seems to to think it was. Yeah, right. Like I thought this homicidally racist stuff before the president endorsed it as one of those things you shouldn't even be able to like physically confused with exculpatory. Right. No, I didn't think that was physically possible. No, apparently it was great. So the thing is, we've heard most of these things before. God doesn't like Mortal Kombat. People need a rule that says no murdering to be spelled out for them somewhere.

Doors are basically a giant hole in the wall. Fascinating stuff. But it's old news. We did, however, get some input from Ohio State Representative Candace Keller that covered some new ground. Ooh. Yeah, you might remember Keller from last month when she was investigated for an ethics violation after sponsoring a bill that would directly benefit the crisis pregnancy center that she runs by giving out giant tax credits to anyone who donates to the fake medical center that has nothing to do

with actually helping pregnant women. And according to Candace Keller, mass shootings happen because of the following list which i had to cut down heavily because she literally mentioned everything with a minions meme keller thinks the problem is not guns the problem is you ready for it uh--huh. Trans people. Knew it. Gay marriage. Yeah. So God's cool with single gay people? I don't really understand the distinction there. Also, fans of RuPaul's Drag Race.

Really? Drag queens in general. Also, fatherlessness, which doesn't technically exist in a genetic sense. I feel attacked. Not enough ice concentration camps. That's a problem for her. She's causing mass shootings by white people. Also marijuana.

Of course, Colin Kaepernick. Sure. This one's interesting. Anti-Semitic Democrats. Yep. And of course, course culture just in general damn said the quiet part loud at the end there again didn't you candace i mean but if she's right it's a price worth paying though right so like one way or the other this

works against her yeah and uh last and least we also got a speech from Donald Trump about the mass shootings. And he spent about 10 minutes listing everything he stands for and then describing it all as a mental illness, which would have been shockingly self-aware, except he's aware of nothing. No. And he demonized what mental illness actually means. And he championed the death penalty during that speech also. It's weird how women almost never get that mass shooting mental illness, huh? Right? Maybe it's a special male only shooty brainism. Gets in through the dick.

It's also weird how it's so geographically specific, right? Like, how does the mental illness even know it's in Mexico? Ooh, yeah. Yeah, so bottom line, the God and guns culture here in the U.S. is not going away anytime soon. But there is a silver lining. If, say, I don't know, 30 to 50 feral hogs show up in your backyard where your kids are playing over the course of, let's say, three to five minutes.

That's the time frame. You will continue having easy access to an exploded death machine that can solve the problem for you. The feral hogs problem, the alive kids problem, your small penis, whatever you're dealing dealing with you got a solution there right but to be fair we would need like 10 000 feral hog deaths a year to balance it out but hey don't give up your weird hobby to stop the death of children whatever you do yeah don't by the way i just want to point out eli got that joke so this thing about him being off social media is bullshit

i was guessing what trapped you tricked you yes you are a liar that's a new meme i don't know what it is is there a hog meme i was just laughing at your funny tone of voice i didn't understand the content i am not on social internet anymore and in a holy one news tonight, well, it finally happened. After years of talking out of my ass with this whole all churches are bad business, after uncarefully and uncautiously identifying as a so-called scathing atheist, the church has finally come along to prove me wrong this week because the Rochester Cathedral in England is now a mini golf course.

Wait, sorry. You like mini golf? It's only on indoor courses you see. I love indoor mini courses. Everyone loves mini golf. Who doesn't love mini golf? You can eat while you golf? Oh, you like eating. I do like eating.

Okay. I mean, okay. You can do a lot of things while you like eating. I do like eating. Okay. I mean, okay. You can do a lot of things while you're eating. Thank you. That's right. So in an attempt to bridge the gulf between the church and young Anglicans, the space has replaced its pews with a nine-hole bridge-themed mini golf course, hoping that the family-friendly activity will help parishioners young and old learn what the church is for.

For. Do you think for is something from mini golf? So you clearly threw your putter accidentally and yelled for the last time you played mini golf. I mean, I was instructed to anyways, according to myself by me according to reverend rachel phillips canon for mission and growth at rochester cathedral quote we hope that while playing adventure golf visitors will reflect on the bridges that need to be built in their own lives and in the world today and what a bullshit We need to create links. Links rather than drive wedges. Drive and wedges.

I love how honest they're being here. Like, we recognize that everything about the church other than the architecture is terrible and a worthless fucking thing. And people would have got weird about it if we all just started fucking in here. So we went with putt-putt. What more do you want? Putt-putt is a gateway fucking thing. And people would have got weird about it if we all just started fucking in here. So we went with putt-putt. What more do you want? It's a gateway to fucking. It's a three-piece pun earlier. Oh, we got it.

Now, of course, some church higher-ups are not pleased with the idea. Reverend Dr. Gavin Ashden, Bishop of the Anglican Episcopal Church, said, quote, I'm afraid I think it's a really serious mistake, perhaps born of desperation. You think the idea that people are so trivial that they can be almost tricked into a search for God by entertaining them with a golf course is a serious category error. End quote.

Ladies and gentlemen, the newsboy. Yeah. ladies and gentlemen the news boys yeah then again he might just be bitter because he had something totally different in mind when he heard about kids getting a hole-in-one in church either way i know when i'm beat and we here at the scathing atheist would like to officially announce our retirement just as soon as all the other churches, mosques, temples, and religious institutions also convert to mini golf courses. Yep. We're that close, guys. World tour.

We're doing it. One down. Putt-putt at a time. And in grift of gab news tonight, radio broadcaster Rick Wiles took time off from volunteering his head as the arts and leisure wedge in a really big game of trivial pursuit this week to let people know that the salvation they talked about is going to be a little pricier than they originally estimated. Plus, the air filter kind of needs blown out. So despite repeated assurances that Wiles would be able to minister to the gospel until Christ returned for the low low price of 10 million dollars after all these new estimates looks like it's going to be closer to a hundred million you see yeah guys uh i just found out lots of salvation is made in china we're doing a lot of salvation tariffs they just

devalued that it's really it's rough wait question can we dogs the war this bad boy because i will nothing the nothing for 50 million 50 million all right so here's the quote which would qualify as mugging if he implied that he had had a weapon during it quote i've upped my request i've been praying asking god for 10 million. I'm now, I'm now telling, I need a hundred million dollars. The vision he's put in my heart, I need a hundred million dollars. It's a global vision to build a platform for the body of Christ to get us through to the end when Christ comes back. And then just in case anybody thought that that meant God was going to kick him in nine figures for his troubles, he added, quote, I don't know where it's going to come from.

I don't know who is going to finance it, but I know God has unlimited resources, end quote. And just so they wouldn't have to risk straining an eyelid, winking. The donation information was at the bottom of the screen while he was saying all this shit, you see. Why ask for just a hundred million if God has unlimited yeah right idiot and also i guarantee rick wiles has a church with atms in the lobby oh yeah and some churches have atms right next to the pews i've seen pictures of that so really if you're being mugged by a sermon like that just go ahead and punch in your pin backwards.

And it alerts the police without the mugger knowing. I want to hear about this happening. Or just set your pin to 666. Everyone in the church will lose their minds, run away. Either way, you're safe. There you go. And for the record, if you've been following Rick Wiles as long as I have, you know that the original request to build this global platform was $1 million back in 2009.

Because he's fucking Dr. Evil and he doesn't realize how dumb that was. I think so, yeah. Well, I feel like the inflation rates on television equipment must just be insane or something. Well, I'm pretty sure he's not going to raise that $100 million. He is going to raise

more than zero and all of it will be counted as a charitable donation by dumb people who can't afford it and then be tallied into some fucking data set Christians will clobber us with about how religious people are more charitable than us. Yep. And then more importantly, it will all be motherfucking tax free. Yes, we will. And quick, while we chastise ourselves for lowballing the fuck out of our matrion goals, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucyn.

A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. It's weird, but

the most depressing part of my job are these occasional good news segments that I do. Because once in a while, the stories for the week line up such that I can pair together a couple of positive steps forward in the fight for gender equality. But they only seem that way because I'm looking at them through the jaded lenses of a person who spends every week

combing through stories about misogyny. And as soon as I try to look at them through the eyes of a normal human, I realize that women now allowed to menstruate indoors in such and such a country isn't actually good news. So much is a slight void in the sum total of bad news. But we're going to push forward regardless, and we're going to start in India. We've talked a lot on this segment about triple talaq, which is the magic spell Muslim men can mutter if they want to be divorced but don't want to give their spouses or children any money.

And just in case you're not familiar, I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. You just say talaq, talaq, talaq, and the canyon man appears to give you an instant, no-strings-attached divorce. And while most countries have gotten around to banning the practice, it took India a long fucking time. Now, technically, the practice ended in India a couple of years ago when their Supreme Court declared the practice, it took India a long fucking time. Now, technically, the practice ended in India a couple of years ago when their Supreme Court declared the practice unconstitutional. Turns out the India Supreme Court is super progressive when it comes to the privileges of minority faiths. But just getting a judgment isn't enough, as Susan Collins is learning the hard way. Supreme Court's wax and wane. So to cement this gain, the Muslim women of India needed more.

Well, they got it last week when lawmakers in that country finally got around to passing a law. And it was a good one, as it turns out. Not only does it ban the practice of triple talak, but it actually criminalizes it. So not only does it not count for any legal purposes, but a guy can go to prison for three years just for pretending that it does now. And that's great because my understanding is that prison marriages are much harder to dissolve. That's right, a rape joke. And I'm not sorry. Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but our next good news story comes out of Saudi Arabia,

where it's finally legal for women to stop being in Saudi Arabia. And as basic a right as this is, you can kind of see why the Saudis weren't coming off of it easily. This is another story we've been following for a while. In Saudi Arabia, women can't get passports or travel internationally without a male escort. Well, now they're allowed to do that. They can also, for the first time in the nation's history, register a marriage, divorce, birth of a child, or get access to family documents. And yes, these are baby steps in the grand goal of equality, but at least now they're allowed to take those baby steps without asking a man for a hall pass.

And on that note, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in That's A Yoday news tonight, the Italian city of, that's a more in that's a yore news tonight. The Italian city of, that's a more, that's a yore. I love doing Italian. Yeah. That's yore. Yore? Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, you were saying. Thank you. The Italian city of Saonara passed the law this week that fines blasphemers up to 400 euros in an attempt to stop, quote, uncivilized behavior. Wow. And I'm just going to say it now. I refuse to believe the fact that these cowards waited till I left the country is just a coincidence. OK, patrons, patrons. I've been training them for this my whole fucking life. OK, I am confident I can for this my whole fucking life, okay?

I am confident I can manage a thousand euro blasphemy in Italian, right? Like that is a big fucking challenge, but I think I can do it. You guys just got to get me there and get me the thousand euros. I'm just going to learn fuck your face. That's all I need to know in Italian. Yeah, because I can do the gesture at a Jesus statue super easy if I know the words. And we do not need the patrons. I will pay to see that. That's just for me. It just got funded.

Check the website. So, according to Mayor Walter Stephan... Absolutely not. No, an Italian guy named fucking Walter. Right? Mayor Walt? Fuck you. According to Mayor Walter, quote, Mayor Walt? Fuck you. Colonel Mayor Walter

quote, Blasphemy is offensive. It offends me. With this law, you will not be able to cause offense to any religion. You have to respect the faithful. There may be bigger problems around, but we can't consider civility banal.

If we let this go, young people will become louts. We want to create a courteous community. Yes, create a courteous community and behavior that prevents a conflict. End quote. Yeah, and Italian Christianity, they've been on the right side of history forever. So we're sticking with that. Hey, most of my neighbors have raped a gosh darn lot of kids.

Please. Okay. Respectful. So obviously this is fucking stupid, but I think this story is kind of burying the lead here. Mayor Walt. A city in Italy has a time traveler for a mayor. I'm sorry. Young people will become louts.

He's not even trying to fucking hide it well the game walter yeah he's got a metal cage victorian style in his garage he twists it enough and he goes back to his time we gotta get it and finally tonight in i peg your barton news it turns. It turns out, thank you. It turns out that David Barton is worse at math than he is at history. We learned that this week when he explained constitutional law on evil universe opening arguments, a.k.a. the Wall Builders live radio show. And it turns out that if you're a Christian, according to Barton, you actually have three times as much free speech as non-Christians.

He really said that. Yeah, okay, so here's how it breaks down mathematically. As we all know, free can be expressed numerically. It's a zero. But Christians get to multiply that by three. Okay, because in addition to free speech, they also get free exercise of religion and the right to assembly. Well, in multiplication to free speech yeah exactly

exactly yeah so i i'm not sure if he thinks that means they get to have three times as many opinions or express them three times as often or say them three times as loud but to be honest any of those would perfectly describe the privilege as perceived in the christian community so he might have might have been all of them there that's right you heathens have to like it you have to love it and you have to want some more of it that is in the constitution we got from moses i'm david barton yeah honestly i'm just glad he didn't say they get three times the rights because the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost each count as a religion. It's a trinity. He's adding that in now as we speak.

Okay. How many triangles are in this picture? Oh, it's more than three. I'm done. Shit. Oh, because there's only one boot in the bottom problem. I got it. All right.

That's why it's a genius level Facebook meme. All right. So just a quick refresher. If you're unfamiliar with David Barton, pH don't. The three subheadings in his Wikipedia page, this is true, are accuracy of his work challenged,

unconfirmed quotation, and the Jefferson lies withdrawn from publication. That's amazing. Not the book, just it being withdrawn. Those are literally all of the subheadings in his Wikipedia page. You can check my math on that. Because the only

thing that he ever did in his life was pretend that a degree in Christian education from Oral Roberts University was the same as a PhD in history from a real college long enough to write a book about the intentions of the founding fathers that was less historically accurate than once upon a time in hollywood and only slightly less sexist so you know oh man was that bad and sexist and not accurate i haven't seen it i've got some bad news about this upcoming

quentin tarantino movie it doesn't respect women in the way we'd like to see gross and despite being a confirmed crank barton remains wildly influential in evangelical circles because the club that celebrates ray comfort's membership has to take what it can fucking get yeah so you know how every group of kids had their one like karate guy you know i'm talking about the one guy who did like a jump kick at nothing one time and didn't really hurt himself that bad so he became their expert at karate is the karate guy and then your group eventually they got in a real fight and your karate guy just got punched in the face right away and started yeah

David Barton is the history version of that guy for Christian people instead of the karate guy he's the history guy apropos nothing unrelated karate guy is still awesome though right like you don't we don't need to tell people how karate guy reacted we just all have an awesome that karate guy is still awesome

hypothetically if we had him... Do you have a black belt? I have a second degree black belt. He has a second degree. I do. I didn't realize you had passed that first degree of black belt. That's why I'm constantly challenging people to fights. And

quick, before Eli actually challenges anybody to a fight, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Keith, Eli, thanks as always. Fight me. Do Monty. And when we come back, we'll make fun of people for money. Some more.

Differently than we just did. And then from John's, we'll go to Joe's, you know, just for the cheese difference. Ah, smart. Got it. Got it. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath and I are just getting ready for our live Citation Needed in New York City on October 12th. Oh, it's Pizza Docket. Good idea. Yeah, we're doing two different shows on one night. Plus, we'll be performing the never-to-be-recorded Jean Benet Ramsey episode on Platinum Night.

And, you know, I mean, tickets are limited and definitely going to sell out. So the more prep, the better. Mm-hmm. And then we go to Best Pizza. Ooh, downtown? No, no, no.

In Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Smart. Because the sauce. Guys, guys. We're going to be doing over three straight hours of comedy on October 12th. Have you done anything except pick out pizza places?

I mean, we also bought Metro cards. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's two things. Hear me out. We bring our own chili flakes. Chili flakes. Exactly. Yes. Absolutely. We bring our own chili flakes chili flakes exactly yes absolutely chili flakes yep tickets in the show

back in the days of yore the first land-dwelling creature speckled the ancient shores we said we were pretty close to wrapping up all the vulgarity for cherry roasts that we still had to do. While I would understand if you simply just don't believe me at this point, we are almost done. We're going to get one step closer tonight as we present what I'm

pretty sure is the anti-penultimate edition of last year's vulgarity for charity. Okay. Heath, this first one is for you from michael all right who'd like a roast for his brother-in-law ryan uh who is a trump supporter uh racist who complains about too many asian kids at his daughter's elementary school lovely and okay maybe not worst of all but also bad he's a philadelphia eagles season ticket holder okay for you for you that's worst of all yeah i guess your face also the racist thing about the elementary school

yeah so uh ryan looks like his name is ryan he looks like he knows a bunch of other people named Ryan, and they call themselves Orion Brotherhood, which is not great. And in the picture we got, he's very clearly finishing up a round of golf at a country club with his Afrikaner friends being like, yeah, sorry about the Italian caddy. We don't normally do that. I voted no at the meeting huh so you guys want to see a Kenny Chesney concert and fight some ethnic security guards

that would be fun right end quote you want to lose our job because of a viral video I also lost my job yeah that last part's just for Michael hopefully he got the Eagles right Riley Cooper was an Eagles wide receiver who actually did that at a Kenny Chesney concert.

Dropped the N-word, caught on camera. Fun times. Fuck the Eagles. Don't worry, dude. I'm sure Carson Wentz won't be an overrated, overpriced half-ass this season, though. He'll be much better. And Eli, Nate would like a roast for his roller derby teammate, Twisted Mister. Oh, Twisted Mister.

You look like if the bad guys in Mad Max were searching for carbs instead of gas. Oh, God. You should call yourself the Rocky Road Warrior. Oh, no. All right, Noah, I got one for you. Wendy has a bucket of people who need a roast and a toasting uh but she included pictures of two people from the bucket her brother-in-law and his equally distasteful wife okay which i'm assuming is her sister um i would say her brother-in-law

looked like a sentient bowling ball if he looked sentient and had any color and looked like he had the physical strength required to knock down precariously balanced pins. He does not. No, not at all. And his wife looks like the kind of person that would marry a man who can't quite aspire to sentient bowling ball status. Now, this is absolutely real,

and only you two can see the picture, so you'll have to back me up on this. She looks like if a jazzercise instructor from the 80s grew up inside of a barrel and took its form. Yes. Yes, absolutely. The only way I can describe this picture. She kind of tastes a little bit like bourbon and like oak.

Yeah. All right, Heath, I've got another one for you. Bruce needs a roast for his ex-wife Priscilla who refused to believe he was an atheist and thinks she's a prophet. Wow. Okay, we've got a picture of Priscilla here, too. This is great. Priscilla looks like an old woman's face got Photoshopped onto Carrot Top's middle school yearbook picture.

So, Carrot Top. she looks like Carrot Top. It's crazy. It's like her face somehow got aged by like, I don't know, her face traveled at light speed at some point and came back, but the rest of her body has Benjamin Button disease and

she's not anywhere near the crossover point where that wouldn't look completely insane. She looks like a cabbage patch doll used the old person filter in the face app. Yeah, she looks like raggedy aneurysm. Yes. Okay, her face went at

the slowest speed and her body went light speed. And has Benjamin Button. It's crazy. It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. There's no way to describe how ugly she is with physics, people. That's the new logo for our show. All the golden girls.

They're all melted together. Yeah. A little bit of Dr. Ruth in the face, too. Yeah. A little bit of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Dr. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Yeah. Anyway, Noah, this next one's for you kenneth needs a roast for his friend israel who kenneth describes as a political enigma with

a wide range of insane illogical beliefs that boggle the mind all right i my mind is boggled just from the picture bro um so in this picture that Ken has sent, Israel seems to be dressed as a security guard, which either means he's a security guard or given the hey, lucky lady shit-eating grin he's given to the camera here, it also might mean that he dresses like that because he done seen in the movies how you get blown by a lot of shoplifters in that job.

Like, honestly, this guy would look out of place anywhere, but a police lineup over an unauthorized Muppet fucking, right? That's where he's the usual suspect. All right, honestly, this guy would look out of place anywhere but a police lineup of an unauthorized Muppet fucking. Right. That's where he's the usual suspect. All right. Eli, you have a choice here. Rick would like you to roast either him or me. Choose wisely.

And just want to add that Rick does not edit out your felonies. OK. I mean, you don't edit out all of my felonies. But Rick, it is. Rick, it is. Rick, you look like you've been fired from several mascot jobs for unauthorized crotch alteration.

Also, Rick, you're really the only one who's going to understand this because you can see you and I can see you. You have a man's torso on top of an older lady's legs. And I need you to know that. It's actually really important for me to know that. That you know that now.

He's like male Priscilla. He's got an interesting asymmetry going on from top to bottom. So Noah, I got another one for you. Kaya needs a roast for her dad and brother. Okay. Once again, I gotta work off this picture

what the fuck are they doing so that was my question right because they're both standing in front of a pressure cooker and judging by dad's expression there's a severed head in it and he's not a hundred percent sure that all the hair's tucked in right um but but judging by the brother's expression it contains revenge for all the personal liberties the illuminati done stole right and when taken together they look like a yellow pages ad for a father and son odd job service that ends with a promise not to ask questions also they look like it took them like four d tries to get as close to both crossing their arms as they did they didn't make it by the way the photographer gave up their arms are just close no dad's like okay yeah all

right dad you got your left arm crossed that's close dad's kind of grabbing his boob to hold the pose of arm crossing because he can't with his strength because the arms are a little heavy i guess giving himself the hug kaya won't get it all right so heath matt needs a roast for his former commanding officer who once told a group of new recruits that if they didn't listen to him they'd go to jail and get raped by black dudes what the fuck who are these people? Jesus. All right. Yeah. So Matt's CEO looks like he always just ate a handful of loose turkey and a pint of milk just now. And now he's trying to do simple math in his head about fucking grams of protein, but it's not working out very well. So if you ever see him and you start naming random numbers out loud, he'll lose track of his protein count and get really mad. That is always happening in his life.

Also, the picture Matt sent us is 100% him taking a picture of a dead body he found. I have never been more sure of anything than he is. From the dead body's perspective. He is Snapchatting a dead body. And he's talking to it. He's like, hey, huh? Huh? Now give me dead. All right. And he's talking to it. He's like, hey, huh? Huh? Now give me dead. All right.

Well, looky heger. All right. Eli, I've got, based on the picture, the easiest one ever for you. Shane needs a roast for his buddy Danoff. Oh, Danoff. Danoff, you look like you quit your job as a gondolier to make craft beer. If the word actually was a person, it would be Danoff. There you go.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what. We've got more names remaining than we have time remaining. So it's time for another Spikening Round. All right. The theme of this Spikening Round is time, more specifically, lateness. So for the following roast, you're going to tell your victims why their roast was late. All right.

Do you guys have your hand on your buzzers? I do. Yes. Yeah, pretty much always. But stop. We're on the air. First up, Elizabeth wants a roast of Jim Jordan. Okay.

Jim Jordan, you this is the Ohio congressman, right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay, Jim Jordan, you look like you were conceived when a square fucked a trapezoid. Your entire form is guaranteed at max eight bits of information. That's the total. And our roast of you was late because I was waiting for the full resolution on your picture

to finally download and fix itself, but it stayed like that forever, so here we are. Also, you're the Joe Paterno of Ohio State Wrestling. You can Google that. It's pretty close to what I just said, except you won't just die like Joe Pa had the decency to do right after that broke, and now you're a seven term U.S. congressman from Ohio, a state that was conceived when Pennsylvania fucked Indiana. Very similar form. Probably with a reach around from Michigan at some point in there. Shaped like a mitten. I like your reach around with a mitten.

All right. Is Eli still in this frightening round? Vince McMahon is your target. All right, Vince, I'm sorry your roast was late. I have a terrible injury from working for you and no legal recourse or health insurance.

Oh, there you go. Also, I went to high school, so I had no way to find you. All right, and I'll take David's friend, Owen. Owen, you look like you're still pining for your high school glory days of debate club second alternate. And your roast was late because I assumed your picture was something that for him sent us to views on social media. If any of our listeners were still on the fence about hair loss prevention treatment.

You can see the hairline wandering in the still photo. Yeah, you can. it's blurry because it's receding so fast okay so for these next few i want to hear why the person themselves were late uh so heath jane wants to know why her ex-friend david was late for his roast and just for some context david broke off the friendship when j came out as trans. Gross. Okay. David, how you doing? Sorry we're roasting you so late.

In fairness, you were getting blocked by a group of kids from Covington Catholic for a while. That's why you're late. And you look like a Twilight werewolf who only uses your morphing power to be a dungeon master after Friday Night Magic at the local comic book store. All right. So, Eli, you wrote in one that we've already done, and you seem really insistent that you get to do this anyway. Yes, we did this one. And I think I recognized a few others. We might have doubled up on a few now.

Eli, are you confident in the list we're working from? I am 3% confident. I deleted all the ones I put in last time, but I have no way of checking. I included the Google Doc. You could also look at the script. I checked. Yeah, he did.

All right, so regardless of... Just to reiterate, we definitely already did this one. I looked it up in our old script. We did that. Eva gets two. Okay. Anyways. So Eva or... Yeah, yeah, Eva, I think, would like to know why her soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law

was late. Yeah. And she was late because she was strangled to death by Princess Leia. This lady has to wear an orange vest around archaeologists that says, do not sample for sediments. Okay. around archaeologists that says do not sample for sediment okay so last but not least in the spikening round uh justin's co-worker keith was clearly late because heads don't just whittle themselves the fuck you look like a pencil all right we've now got a couple of special requests heath this one is for you oh great is it a dog no uh it's okay a baby it's uh mb's baby to be exact uh but thanks to

eli uh the kid can probably drive by now we're a little great okay uh mb congrats on the baby um she looks like she's really hoping she got a better d20 roll on dna than her weird sticky brother she's clearly trying to like swim through the air away from in this picture if she had a smoke bomb when you took this picture the baby would be throwing it and ducking below the camera frame and escaping somehow okay i can't i can't do this they both look adorable yeah look at that smile on his little face it's a beautiful pair of children honestly all right pivoting i gotta do a rose fine um so all right your newborn daughter looks like a human who just recently crossed the arbitrary line a few months ago that would have allowed you to fix this problem and have way more money and time and happiness. Did I make it better? Nope.

You did not. I don't like this game. No more babies and dogs. God damn it. Congrats on your new baby. Okay, well, so I'll tell you what. Since we have our first patron-sponsored D&D session right around the corner, it seems only right that Eli roasts

Selena's DM. Alright. Selena's DM. Making the best of rolling that critical miss on charisma. Looking like a tiefling decided to multi-class as a

Faces of Meth poster. Also, Selena sent some of the pictures of you in drag, and I have not been served this little fish since I finished a Ghosts of Saltmarsh campaign. Okay. Not sure who that one was for, but not us. Let me tell you, Selena is like,

what? Loving it. Let me tell you. All right, Noah. No fish drag is perfectly valid. Whatever. Go ahead. All right, Noah.

I got a twofer for you. Anonymous would like a roast of pastor dave and don would like a roast of pastor joe okay so these two both look like they're destined to be described by their neighbors as seeming normal right like pastor dave's picture looks like a political ad in a world where we elect the bad guy on forensic files and pastor joe he's so evil right right like jesus fucking christ how many bodies is this guy buried and pastor joe wears the permanent expression of a man trying to come up with a plausible reason why that would have been in his basement if he wasn't guilty he really does this is your basement what oh noah you got a little carried away there i was worried you were going to be he really does this is your basement what? oh Noah

you got a little carried away there I was worried you were gonna be too past too furious what? too pastor pastors I see

too past and our final batch tonight we want to finish up with a few X-rated roasts you guys ready? roast her quivering bosom no I just meant that these are all somebody's X something X-rated roasts. You guys ready? Roast. Her quivering bosom.

No, no. I just meant that these are all somebody's X something. Oh, so you're saying I got my feather quill out for nothing? Not what I was saying at all. Okay. I need a roast for Cameron's friend, George. Oh, right. You look like you've been angrily refusing to get rid of your mullet since 1987. Just screaming about it.

No, every time somebody like so you've just been slowly cutting it all a little bit closer every time somebody gives you a hard time and if you extrapolate based on the recent picture we got that mullet must have been aggressive because even with a bunch it must have been've been huge. And like, he looks like he was MacGyver's histamine double at some point. And now he's just like a sad middle-aged lost boy. And it's bumming me out. He's like, he's like assistant to the regional lost boy with just this like mundane job.

Weird mullet. Yeah. If stitch fix and having a way too young girlfriend ever to decide to combine spokesman, George is their first fucking phone call i can't tell you he's omega dog the bounty hunter all right um ryan needs a roast of his ex-girlfriend and he sent us a picture of her wax sculpture apparently right come on ryan very funny i don't know how you got ted cruz to put on drag for your roast photo we almost got us well done but just in case

she is real Ryan's ex looks like the costume for the first kabuki performance of Mean Girls alright and I'm going to finish it off with a roast for Casey's ex roommate Matt who looks like if Roman Polanski developed some kind of de-aging serum so he

could go back and statutorily rape himself. But it all went horribly wrong. Right. This guy looks like Frodo was returning Sauron's cock ring. You know, like as soon as I saw this picture, I thought it was from a really depressing where are they now about the lead puppet from Dark Crystal? Oh, yeah. He looks like the photographer caught him exactly halfway turning into a mean World War II cartoon of a Jew.

And on that note, we're going to close the saloon doors for a moment, but we'll be back soon with even more Vulgarity for Charity. Before we wrap up the sandwich and ring the bell tonight, I want to remind you that you can come see us record a live episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, in New York on October 12th. I also want to remind you that you can see us live in New York on October 12th for a Citation Needed record again because the advertising guys say you have to hear it three times before it sinks in, and we already mentioned it in the little skit. Links to buy tickets are on the show notes.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would be designated incomplete by the board if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for letting people think I'm the smart one, Eli for letting people think I'm the weird one, and Luc Heath Enright for letting people think I'm the smart one. Eli for letting people think I'm the weird one. And Lucinda Lusions for letting me think I'm worth her time. I also want to thank Liam for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

And for reminding religious people that when we say their God doesn't exist, we're doing him a favor. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. But I actually have no idea who they are because I was having no end of trouble with patron system this week. But I promise I will thank the ever-loving shit out of you next week by name. But regardless, together this anonymous group of indeterminate size did some alliterative shit or another that amounts to giving us money. If you too would like to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but money doesn't go as far these days and you're really far away, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. All legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark.

We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingidius.com. Kumite. Kumite. Kumite kumite me and David Barton in a kumite there's no amount of money

our audience wouldn't pay alright patrons as soon as I get back from Italy kumite kumite we all watched

David Barton beat the shit out of Eli yeah I'll take one for the team I'm not unrealistic I'm a skeptic. I mean, at the end, you'll just be like laying there with your ass in the air going, okay, mount me.

You won. Mount me, David. Thomas Jefferson, come on. You know what he always said. Stop backing up at me aggressively. Stop that. It's a secret.