The Scathing Atheist - 342: The "Where's My Fiddle?" Edition

Episode Date: September 5, 2019

In this week’s episode, a Tennessee principle will injure himself running at the wall between platforms 9 and 10, god traps the Pope inside an elevator for 25 minutes so he can think about what he did, and Don Ford will be here to voice more fantasy than adventure. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist See Heath at the Kentucky Freethought Convention: https://www.kyfreethoughtconvention.org/ To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Brisbane Skeptics here: http://www.brisbaneskeptics.org/ Find the Left at the Valley podcast here: https://www.leftatthevalley.com/ Headlines: Idiots in Georgia hold vigil for cashier told not to pray with customers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/30/vigil-held-for-christian-supermarket-cashier-told-to-stop-praying-with-customers/ Harry Potter Books Banned from Catholic School Since They Have “Actual Curses”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/02/harry-potter-books-banned-from-catholic-school-since-they-have-actual-curses/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Bangladeshi Women No Longer Have to Declare Virginity Status on Marriage Forms: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/29/bangladeshi-women-no-longer-have-to-declare-virginity-status-on-marriage-forms/ Iranian woman sentenced to 24 years behind bars for removing hijab: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/08/31/iranian-woman-sentenced-to-24-years-behind-bars-for-removing-compulsory-hijab/ Pastor: Abortion gives demons ‘blood right’ to school shootings: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/03/christian-pastor-abortion-gives-demons-a-blood-right-to-school-shootings/

Warning, the language in this podcast is so filthy, your headphones probably have a little dust cloud around them like pig pen. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by honey and by Eli's House of Hurricane Nukes. Just shoot me an email, Mr. President, and I'll quote you a price. Eli's House of Hurricane Nukes, because if the terrorists in Back to the Future could be fooled by pinball machine parts, I can probably do this with marbles and packing peanuts.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi there, Phil here from Brisbane Skeptics in Australia, and I'm here to tell you we did in fact evolve from filthy, muddy fish. Yes, Tiktaalik is my favourite fossil. Neil Shubin, I know you're listening. I'd love to buy you a beer at Brisbane Skeptics in the pub. Check out brisbenskeptics.org. a beer at Brisbane Skeptics in the pub. Check out brisbane skeptics dot org. Brisbane skeptics

dot o-r-g. Ah! It's Thursday. It's September 5th. And it's National Be Late for Something Day. I'm no illusions. More like, damn it! Okay, you just jumped. I'm Eli Bosnick. Fine.

I'm Heath Enright. And from William Carlos Williams, New Jersey, Cincinnati swing state, and good husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, a Tennessee principal will injure himself running at the wall between platforms 9 and 10. God traps the Pope inside an elevator for 25 minutes so he can think about what he did. And Don Ford will be here to voice more fantasy than adventure. But first, the diatribe. Damn it.

I've heard all kinds of words associated with Jair Bolsonaro over the last couple of weeks. Authoritarian, autocratic, right-wing, populist, nationalist, even fascist. But I'm not hearing the word Christian very much. Funny that. Now, I want to be super clear. The dude's religion isn't always important. But when the person we're talking about is using Christianity as both his sword and his shield, it's all but impossible to understand the story without lingering on that Christianity issue for at least a few sentences. So just in case you're even less familiar with Brazilian politics than I am, let me sketch you a brief picture. During his quarter century plus in Brazilian Congress, Bolsonaro earned a reputation for being a racist, a misogynist and a homophobe,

and it was a well-earned reputation. He implied that women who got raped deserved it. He said he'd be incapable of loving a gay son. He once said, quote, If I see two men kissing each other on the street, I'll beat them up, end quote. And then on the issue of indigenous Brazilians, he once said, quote, It's a shame the Brazilian cavalry was not as efficient as the American who exterminated the Indians, end quote. He ran on the guns and God ticket and won by demonizing the indigenous people and blaming them for Brazil's stagnant economy. Weird how immigrants and the exact opposite of immigrants can serve the exact same political function when you're that full of shit. And of course, one of the easiest ways to demonize said indigenous people is through religion. They're not Christian, so they're not

good. Right. And he doesn't just imply this or anything. Here's an actual quote from one of his campaign speeches, quote, God above everything. There is no such thing as this secular state. The state is Christian and the minority will have to change if they can. The minorities will have to adapt to the position of the majority, end quote. And now he's using exactly that as the excuse, if not the reason, to burn down the Amazon. Now, I'm not naive enough to ignore the economic motives here. Yes, they want to clear more land and raise more cattle. Yes, they want to build dams and roads and protected areas.

Yes, Bolsonaro himself is lining his pockets with bribes and shit from companies desperate to exploit the Amazon's natural resources. But the story he's selling the people is that this is all OK, because the only people being harmed by it are those filthy little pagans. And curiously, this aspect hasn't earned a hell of a lot of attention from the American media. Sure, they've pointed out the danger these indigenous people are in, and they've even flirted with calling it by the deserved title of genocide. But nobody seems interested in pointing to the religious justification for it. I mean, to be fair, as soon as there was a big storm for Jim Cantore to stand near,

they stopped talking about this environmental apocalypse altogether. But even leading up to that, Jesus's name wasn't coming up. Of course, the media is ready with their excuse that the real problem isn't the Christianity. It's the fact that he's so beholden to business. After all, there are Christian leaders all over the world, and most of them are burning down rainforests to run out the indigenous people. But pro-business doesn't explain why he spent so much of his political capital trying to erase the legal existence of the LGBT community.

This is a guy who's like on his first day in office, he removed LGBT concerns from the remit of the country's human rights ministry. He removed LGBT concerns from the remit of the country's human rights ministry. And rolling back the rights of LGBT people is a damn near universal goal of Christian leadership. And that's the truth nobody wants to call out, right? What is Christianity but what Christianity does? Christians in Brazil have no issues whatsoever supporting a guy who openly endorses the torture and murder of his political opponents. So anything related to morality is out the fucking window so what is it doing well as i've said before the only thing religion is now is a place to hide your bigotry it's a convenient us when you have an

inconvenient them it's a means of subverting morality rather than instilling it it's a tool that's been honed for millennia to remove the humanity of the people that stand in your way and wiping the slate clean of moral obligations to them. And even if you're inclined to argue that there's some other form of Christianity, some better form that exists elsewhere in the world or elsewhere in history or elsewhere in some platonic ideal, you have to admit that we're not seeing that form of it in Brazil. Yes, there are religious groups opposing Bolsonaro, but they are eclipsed by the ones supporting him.

His base is a Christian base. He speaks their language. He promises to govern according to the Bible. He's the expression of the majority of Brazilian Christians by definition, and he's unabashedly evil. And that's what we're up against, even with the forces that are trying to reshape our government into a theocracy. The media is reluctant to use that word because they don't want to piss off their Christian

customers. But in so doing, they're robbing those customers from an opportunity to see what the end result of the thing that they're fighting for looks like. The theocrats in waiting in our own country don't want you to know what a Christian nation really looks like, The theocrats in waiting in our own country don't want you to know what a Christian nation really looks like. And the media are complicit in their deception. But here's what we should be learning from Brazil. We're up against a group of people that want the whole fucking world and in their eagerness to take it, they're willing to burn it to ash. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special

news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are they get ready and get set to my go heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to explode from the starting block whoa noah too soon um no i maybe it's a song or something they made a song about the challenger in our lead story tonight i have some really good stupid right like so normally we try to put something particularly pertinent in this lead story position but sometimes they just come across a really good stupid and i want to talk about it real bad so this story comes to us from the nation's leading manufacturer of stupid georgia and it's about a cashier being told by her boss to stop praying with her customers on company time

and the goddamn vigil that Christians held outside the store after her prayers died, I guess. The arms of an angel's playing out there. For just the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can have a cup of coffee and a prayer with this Georgian woman covered in flies. Well, coffee sold separately. Yeah, right. The flies were already there.

Yeah. Actually, they're love bugs this time of year. So that's just for our georgia listeners okay so so this comes to us from ingalls grocery store in cartersville georgia where a cashier named miss barbara was in the habit of offering up a magic spell along with your receipt and this is not super uncommon in georgia like it doesn't happen constantly but it fucking happens you go to the store with all the flies too yeah yeah right but so you go to the store you take your car battery your wires and your zip tie to the counter you You give them money. They give you a receipt, and they say, may I pray for you?

And in this instance, that's fine because you already have a car battery, wires, and zip ties. But if you were just getting milk, now you have to make a whole second trip through the store. Sure, yeah. And what's worse, if you offer to jerk off while they do, they call the cops, which is so weird. You know what, though? I found that they're going to call the cops no matter what I say, so I might as well say that. Anyway, so apparently Miss Barbara was in the habit of doing this shit a lot. So much so that at a certain point, her supervisor had to tell her to stop it.

And I literally could not be more sympathetic to that person because I had to tell somebody almost the same damn thing when I managed to Papa John's down here. Seriously? Yeah, one of my cashiers kept writing, Jesus loves you on all the pizza boxes before they went out. somebody almost the same damn thing when I managed to Papa John's down here. Seriously? Yeah. One of my cashiers kept writing, Jesus loves you on all the pizza boxes before they went out. And I had to tell her to cut it the fuck out. And I had to do it in. I know I'm in Georgia speak just like Miss Barbara's supervisor had to.

So I feel your pain, dude. You got to trick them at that point. Just like, all right, Skeeter, just think about it for a second. No. What if a Muslim guy is buying the pizza? Jesus doesn't love him, does he? At that point. Skeeter's like, trick question.

I would never serve a Muslim. One second. I got to go get 800 people to come bother us at work. Yeah, exactly. All right. So apparently, yeah, this story gets around their tiny little Georgia town. So somebody decides to hold a goddamn vigil like they'd killed her for it or maybe they re-crucified the lord i guess anyway i don't know apparently some four dozen people managed to show up to support not

doing your job while you're getting paid and i'd love to think that some of them did it while they were on the clock, out of solidarity. Oh, oh, guys, you know what this means? Absolutely not. Counter vigil. Yep. No. Called it.

No. Never let me do anything. All right. Next up in headlines, a Catholic school in Tennessee was dealing with way too much witchcraft. So they decided to ban all the Harry Potter books from their library last week. I love this story. This is amazing.

So it looks like they finally read those books and they took personal offense at the stolen plot about a kid with a forehead smudge, a professor who chained himself to his bed during the full moon, and a secretly gay headmaster. They felt like that was all stealing. Yeah, not to mention they completely ripped off the race war the Christians are planning. So that's kind of weird. I'm sorry, wait, is this whole story premised on Christians reading books? Because I'm skeptical. They're shortish. So apparently there were a variety of suspicious activities happening at this school. Teachers were having chalk inexplicably removed from their hands. There was invisibility stuff, human beings that could fly.

So Reverend Dan Rehill did some research and realized these were all examples of witchcraft that were straight from Harry Potter. So he emailed the following explanation to the parents. This is real. Quote, these books present magic as both good and evil, which is not true, but in fact, a clever deception. Which is not true. But in fact, a clever deception. And by the way, he's talking about the good evil alignment of the spells.

That's the deception he's talking about. Exactly. That's the trick. Continuing. The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells. What? Which, when read by a human being, risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the text do they now end quote i guess also anyone there next to them because it would be in their presence too and and then under that it said something like reverend dan rehill

professional educator who you pay with real money to educate your goddamn children. P.S. I'm allowed to drive a car. What the fuck are we doing? By the way, that's the real reason we had to say no to your countervigil, Eli. We're going to be too busy chanting pseudo-Latin outside of this guy's office. Oh, we could point wands at him and he would be scared. I mean, yeah. Eli, you could levitate a penny or something. Scare the shit out of you

ah there you go yeah good work reverend dan you really nipped that one in the bud 22 years after jk ratling first tricked you guys at saint edwards of nashville into putting very real books of evil sorcery into your library also Also good, good and evil spells, both. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm sad to hear about book banning, but I got to admit, it was a pretty good run.

You know what? I mean, like, mission accomplished, J.K. Rowling. Those kids are evil wizards forever. Or good ones, one way or the other, you nailed it. This is one of them stories

where I want it to be true for so many different reasons, right? And next up in headlines, we have a bunch of old news because there was like a non-zero chance that I was going to be getting walloped by a hurricane on our normal record day. So just to make sure that we had a show for you this week, we had to cash in on some stories that we've been saving up. So without further ado, us from the past. And in not so appealing now, is it news tonight? The Sixth Court of Appeals

ruled this week that the state of Kentucky is responsible for paying nearly $225,000 in court costs and attorney's fees after losing the extended legal battle

on behalf of unprofessional bigot and dire troll, Kim Davis, who many of you will know for refusing to give out marriage licenses to gay couples okay i know kentucky's gonna ignore my advice here again but she has enough back fat for you to make this back and people bacon right just on this cast i would pay so much for that people bacon. I would pay for that people bacon. Yeah, I'd get some. Put up a Kickstarter. I'd break my streak.

So for those of you who have lived in the sweet, sweet, blissful ignorance of this case, Kim Davis is a Joe Dirt impersonator who turned to court clerking, kind of, and then famously refused to do her job when it came to handing pieces of paper to people with the same sets of genitals. Yep. And Kentucky could have saved itself 225 grand so many different ways. So many. Just, okay, top of my head, they could have fired Kim Davis from her job.

Yes. For not doing her job, which is the reason to fire someone from their job. Or the guy from Office space could take the piece of paper from kim davis and walk it down the hall and hand it to the same-sex couple there you go um or they could have deconstructed kim davis piece by piece and then put her back together with different pieces like the ship of theseus so many solutions we're answer providers here now this happened relatively quickly after the Supreme Court determined that gay people were people. So it got a lot of media attention. Davis went on the

news where people pointed out to her that she'd been divorced a bunch of times and then she attempted to eat her own face in response. Just attempted. Are we really just going to go with attempted? There's a lot there. In a way, Davis was sort of a temporary hero for your shitty uncle. But just like your shitty uncle, the last few years have not been kind to Davis. She lost her court case, determining her right to undermine the Supreme Court. Surprise, surprise. She lost her bid for re-election.

And when it became obvious that someone was actually going to be on the hook for the quarter of a million dollars, her allies abandoned her like rats abandoning a sinking ship. Yeah, she's outside holding a will refuse to work for food sign. There's gay couples walking up to her here. Have a few dollars. Oh, you know what? Actually, I can't hand you these pieces of paper got a whole thing so it's unclear who is actually going to end up

uh purple diabetes footing the bill on this but the answer is probably the kentucky taxpayer oh they're flush yeah yeah absolutely cannot fucking afford to. And hey, that's the nice thing about Christians. They make sure the meek inherit everything. And speaking of Kentucky getting fucked out of money, and also rats, and also ships, the Grant County Board of Education filed a lawsuit against ken putting the ark back

in pockmark's ham over the hocus pocus bullshit math they're trying to use to wriggle their way out of paying taxes and keep in mind this is a business that once tried to sell itself to itself to avoid all taxes altogether so it's not like you have any trouble proving intent yeah and according to their own math the park wouldn't be able to afford to buy itself from itself using itself as collateral literally proof of the tax evasion yeah that's what that is that's how you would demonstrate that uh and and by the way they got into town in the first place by promising to make the area money. So like monorail guy from the Simpsons is like, man, those fuckers are evil. I don't know what to say.

Yes. Right. Okay. So the crux of the lawsuit is that the local property valuation administration assessed the park's value at about $46 million back in 2017, meaning they owed about $275,000 in property taxes. back in 2017, meaning they owed about $275,000 in property taxes. But the Grant County Board of Education points out that if you base the valuation on, say, the value of the park and the land it sits on, they should owe damn near three times that much. They believe the property should have been assessed at $130 million or at the very least

the $90 million the park itself claims itself is worth when they're trying to get loans and shit. Now, don't get me wrong. I agree with the general principle that the Ark Park is worthless. But this is one of those rare instances where I'm granting it value. Give a preacher a tax form and he'll tell you what he's worth. All right. We're holding on to that bumper sticker.

Don't you guys make that bumper sticker? You buy it from us. we're holding on to that bumper sticker. Don't you guys make that bumper sticker? You buy it from us. Now, apparently, the Kentucky Claims Commission, which was tasked with evaluating this challenge, dismissed the suit, saying the school district isn't a taxpayer and therefore has no standing to sue,

which is fucking weird because if you steal money from Dave, it's usually Dave that would file the complaint. Seems like it would be Dave, right? Yeah, not the guy who signed Dave's last paycheck. So the school board is appealing the decision and still seeking the difference. Seems like it would be Dave, right? Yeah, not the guy who signed Dave's last paycheck. So the school board is appealing the decision and still seeking the difference. And they're being way nicer than they have to be, by the way. They're just suing for the property taxes the arc park didn't pay. And they're not even mentioning how much more expensive their very existence makes it to educate kids in the first fucking place.

Yeah, in other states, too. Just all over. Kind of an anti-educational school board. God. All right, next up in headlines. We have some bigotry news out of the deep south in Michigan.

Okay. Are we Canadian already, guys? I want to be Canadian now. You got to go far to get out of that deep south now yeah and it looks like their voting laws in michigan continue to be technically a hate crime as long as white christian people don't get officially disenfranchised by a new amendment and that's especially true in the city of marysville, where a candidate for city council, running on the basket of deplorables ticket,

unabashedly announced that she wants to keep Marysville separate but better by keeping the community as white as possible. Yep. Well, they can't have all the white kids catching lead poisoning, Ken. I mean, that's just a safety issue. Okay, new theory. In November of 2016, wizards poured hundreds of thousands of gallons of Veritas serum into our water supply, and this is what happened. This is where we are now.

My new theory. I didn't read that book. So the candidate in question is Jean Kramer or possibly Judge Judy on acid. It's really not. It's really not. She is very confused. It's like she just got done trying to use an expired coupon at a slave auction is what it looks like. And then she got kicked out of a Wendy's because there wasn't a slave auction there that she was demanding was in fact happening there.

But it wasn't. She just doesn't understand what happened at all. And no idea where she got that coupon, by the way. It's a weird thing to have. Have you known her grandson made it for her for Mother's Day? Oh, that tracks. Because she asked for it.

And he made it expired. Yeah. That was her request. Well, it's been years. It's been years. He gave it to her a while ago. She likes the challenge. I want to fight over it. She wants to earn it. So, Kramer is one of five people running for three open seats on the city council of Marysville, Michigan.

Or, yeah, was at the time of this writing anyway. Right. And during their meeting last week she was asked do you believe the diversity of our community needs to be looked at and if so should we be more aggressive in attracting people from other countries and yes kramer does believe the diversity should be looked at exact quote keep marysville a white community as much as possible. Oh my, does she not know about the inside voice? Or is it saying even worse shit?

Ooh, let's cut to the inside of Gene Kramer's skull to find out, Rick. Yep, ancient Enochian chance, Phil. I saw the lake-sized eyes of the forgotten one. Back to you with the weather. So that all really happened. And then a few days later, a reporter went to Kramer's house and asked her to clarify the remarks. And in fairness, Kramer did make herself very clear.

She clarified. She said, quote, a husband and wife need to be the same race. Same thing with kids, which is a weird addition. That's how it's been from the beginning of, how can I say, when God created the heaven and the earth. He created Adam and Eve at the same time. Nope. No, he didn't. But as far as me being against blacks no i'm not okay how does she think

those last two sentences connect like just temporarily that's it it's true although i don't think she was on a linear time dimension at any point during any of the logarithmic something interesting no question yeah so this might all sound pretty racist but at any point during any of this. She's in a logarithmic scale for time. Something interesting. No question. Yeah. So this might all sound pretty racist, but during the interview at her house, Ms. Kramer does explain that if a black couple moved in next door,

she'd be willing to speak with them. Oh, well, there you go. There's that. Well, assuming they kept up the house and the property whitely while they were there. And as long as they kept all their blood and semen in their lane. But assuming all that, she would talk to them. And that's when the reporter became mentally paralyzed and just stood there in silence for a minute. So eventually, Kramer just picked up the car door she carries around just to roll up the window when a black person passes her on the sidewalk.

And she walked away. She did. She did. She just backs gently away. Found some more acid somewhere, I'm guessing. Pretty great. And on whatever note that wound up being, we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. We were so young.

A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. We were so young. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which if it's a legitimate race, cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in misogyny. It's time for another international tour of misogyny, and we'll get the good, the bad, and the ugly along the way. First up, the good. And if I wanted you to guess which country this story is coming from, I probably have to give you 195 guesses because that's how many countries there are. But believe it or not, I've got good news out of Bangladesh. But of course, as with all the good news we do on this segment, it really is a case of learning

another thing I should have been pissed off about last week that I don't really have to be pissed about anymore. So as of this week, apparently, Bangladesh women will no longer have to declare whether or not they're virgins on their marriage documents. That's right. Up until basically now, that was the fucking law. And like most of the progress for women, and that comes from that part of the world, it came from the courts. Last Sunday, a court ruled that women were unduly humiliated by having to publicly declare that kind of information. And as fucked up as it is that women were unduly humiliated by having to publicly declare that kind of information. And as fucked up as it is that women have to be humiliated for not being virgins, I'll still call this one progress.

And our next story is about progress, too, although it doesn't look like it from the headlines. Afshari was recently sentenced to 24 years in prison for, quote, spreading corruption and prostitution by taking off her job and walking around without a veil, end quote. They also got her on spreading propaganda against the state and assembly and collusion. But all three of those are pretty evil laws to even have. So it's not like that exonerates the Iranian government or anything. Now, like I said, this might not sound like a story about progress, and I very clearly put it in the bad section of my trio here, but Afshari was arrested for participating in a demonstration against the regime's oppressive sexism, and I'm seeing more and more stories like this every week. I'm sure it's cold comfort if you're facing two

dozen years in an Iranian prison, but the fact that they're being forced to those measures to tamp down on the protest is a pretty good sign that they're working. And finally, let me turn to the ugly. And I know I've already talked about virginity declarations on government documents and scores of years in prison for vulgar display of forehead. So I guess any of these stories would have fit here, but the one I have kind of excels at fitting here. And for this one, our tour comes all the hell way back to the U.S. of A. So Hank Kuhnman is a Nebraska pastor who once appeared on Jim Baker and spoke only in tongues while his wife translated in English, which is amazing and makes my skin crawl. Anyway, he decided to offer up his opinion on why America has such a problem with school shootings, and it turns out it's the demons, but not just any demons. It's the abortion demons. Because according to Kuhnman,

legal abortion gives demons a blood right to bring violence into public schools. Because if you think about it, abortion is just like tiny little human sacrifices, you see? All right. Well, I've asked you to think about something Hankank kuhnman said so i can't exactly ask you for anything else this week so on that note i'll go ahead and hand things back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in terrific news tonight you know there's a lot of talk this week about donald trump's trade with China, how it's going to destroy the economy, how nobody will ever be able to retire again, or how my house is now worth $14. Well, okay. Stuff like that. But we here at The Scathing Atheist got some comfort and reassurance this week that Donald

Trump's proposed $300 million of tariffs will not affect the price of Bibles. Oh, good. Thank God. Maybe we'll be able to use them as currency to barter food. Well, I mean, as long as they stay cheaper than Charmin Ultra, this does not affect my consumer. That's fair. That is fair.

So that's fair that is fair so that's right this week the office of the u.s trade representative published two lists of goods that will be affected by tariffs and bibles and religious literature a ton of which are printed in china will not be affected and and interestingly enough by the way at the same time they lifted the tariffs on bibles they also lifted tariffs on radioactive elements and there wasn't an eg between that and the bibles or anything but there could have been they lifted the tariffs on Bibles, they also lifted tariffs on radioactive elements. And there wasn't an EG between that and the Bibles or anything, but there could have been. I'm just saying there could have been. Yeah, I'd

hate to see a hiccup in our supply of ersatz literature printed on lead-based ink. That would be sad. That would suck. Yeah, so this comes to us from Christianity Today, and I gotta tell you, just a little flavor, you should read this article because it is amazing how fast these fuckers learn Econ 101 when their book is on the line instead of stuff like food and medical equipment. They're like, all right, look, here's the fucking bubble right here.

You took the trade war and pulling out brisettes. Pulling out brisettes. Either way, it is good to know, as Ethan Noah pointed out, that we'll have something we want to burn in our giant fiery barrels. We'll all be standing around in 2021. And in there, putting lattes in the lattes news tonight. The Mormons want to make it super clear they're still not having fun they basically just walked into the middle of american culture banged on a glass until everyone had to stop talking and said we're still boring this is so sad or at least that's the way i take their recent declaration

that coffee is still forbidden even if it's milkshake flavored cigarettes are still forbidden even if they have cool little lights on them and weed is still forbidden unless it was prescribed by a their word here competent doctor um hello everyone can i please have your attention i'm mormonism um watch me give myself a wedgie that is all i'm a nerd boomy you guys are ruining the sleepover by behaving irresponsibly, said Mormonism The religion, yeah exactly Alright, so this came in the form of new guidance in the August issue of a church youth magazine

and comes amidst growing concern that newfangled inventions like vapor and whipped foam might entice young Mormons or even confuse them as to what personal preferences on hot beverages the creator of the universe is annoyed by. So they issued a thing that reads in part, quote, the word coffee isn't always in the

name of coffee drinks. Drinks. This is so good. This is so good. Drinks with names that include cafe or cafe with two f's mocha latte espresso or anything ending in chino usually have coffee in them and are against the words of wisdom and right let's not get it twisted the issue here was that mormons were being tricked by the word latte. Plausible deniability, bro.

Plausible deniability. They had to put out a nationwide bulletin for their multi-billion dollar church and it's living prophet of God that Frappuccinos have caffeine in them. Yep. Cool. You get one of those suits from Indochino, you gotta get the V-Cast. Just to be sure.

Or put it on near blurry glass. I don't know. And in all things hateful news tonight, Tennessee man Jesse Goodman will probably lose his dad this week.

He has to plan a funeral, invite friends and family, and of course, mourn his own loss. And all of that got a tremendous amount harder this week when the pastor at the church his father requested his funeral to be in refused to host the service because Jesse is gay. Motherfuckers. All right. We've been over this, pastor. You know how it works. Now you got to eat the whole bag of dicks. Motherfuckers. All right. We've been over this, Pastor. You know how it works. Now you got to eat the whole bag of dicks.

That's the rule. You got to do it. So to be clear, Jesse's dad, the guy who's dying, isn't gay. Jesse is gay. Right. And the fact that Jesse would attend and be a part of the funeral was enough for Pastor, not making this up, Jay scruggs to refuse him service wow jay scruggs that's fantastic he preemptively p-robes himself yeah

like normally we'd be talking about like jason scruggle horn and call him jay scruggs that's impressive he's a step ahead i like that and i just remember boys and call him J. Scruggs. That's impressive. He's a step ahead. I like that. And I just remember boys and girls, this is entirely incompatible with the love the sinner, hate the sin bullshit that they sell you when you force them to stare into the face of their own bigotry, right? Either that or Jesse was going to

blow a dude during the service. One of those two things is true. Yep. So the church has refused to comment on the incident because they're cowards who won't face any real consequences for their actions and it appears that jesse has found a church with a human being as its pastor who will hold the service but we don't like to dwell on the negative here at the scathing atheist which means it's time for a lesson that we all think Jay Scruggs could use. Hello, I'm Chet Chetley.

Welcome back to America's favorite game show, Make It Black! My guest today is Pastor Jay Scruggs because we literally couldn't make up a more ridiculous name. Jay is a professional liar who enjoys eating his own cum. Isn't that right? That's right, Chet. I sure do love enjoys eating his own cum. Isn't that right? That's right, Chet. I sure do love to eat my own cum. I, J Scruggs, pastor at Lee's Chapel Baptist Church in Sweetwater, Tennessee, do love indeed to eat my own cum.

I'm like the cookie monster, but for my own personal cum, to be very clear, I enjoy my cum. That's great. Now it's's time the cumming monster so i got it the ookie cookie monster that's better okay now you recently refused service to a dying man because his gay son would be part of the funeral are you ready to make it get black sure am chet let's do it all right go right ahead okay okay um dear mr goodwin i'm afraid we cannot host your father's funeral because you are black and would be part of the service oh oh i get it i'm a piece of shit. It made, it's, yep. That's correct. I heard it. I finally heard it. So what do I win? A bunch of your own come to eat. Yeah, that's my favorite

prize. I'm Jay Scruggs once again. Jay Scruggs. That you are. Well, that's all the time we got today, but we'll be back next time on Make It Black! And now that we're caught up with all the headlines past and present, I guess we can close the segment for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

I'm a time traveler. And when we come back, the Pentateuch still won't have shut the fuck up. Hi, welcome to Typical Retail Experience. I'm nine. Wow, yeah. You really do look nine.

Yeah, that's how they can afford to pay me this much. What do you want? Oh, okay. I was hoping to get a... Yeah, it's an aisle four. You want to go to aisle four? Oh, okay. I was hoping to get a... Yeah, it's in aisle four. You want to go to aisle four? Get a screwdriver. You didn't wait for me to say what I wanted. Yeah, that's because I was lying so that you would go away.

Great. I just feel like there's got to be a better way to do this. I mean, there is. You can shop online with Honey. With what? Darling? Nope. Nope. Honey is a browser extension that saves you money everywhere you shop

online. Honey finds coupon codes and other discounts across the web and applies them automatically. Right, but that's not cheaper than here, is it? It's significantly cheaper than here. Plus, you get to stay home. Okay, well, I do like staying home.

So, how much does this honey thing cost? It's free. Wait, like, free-free, or like, free? No, it's like, free. Like, this week, I brought a bread knife and a new pill case, and they saved me like $11. I just clicked

the little thing. Did you say a bread knife and a new pill case and they saved me like $11. I just clicked the little thing. Did you say a bread knife and a pill case? Mm-hmm. Yeah, those are weird items that you bought. I'm a dancer. What? Listen, there's really no reason not to use Honey. It's free to use,

installs on your computer in just two clicks, and it'll save you money so you can treat yourself to something nice, like, I don't know, a shirt from this decade. Oh, okay. I like this shirt. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing.

That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Okay, well, you know what? I'm going to give it a try. Anyway, thanks for the... Oh my God, you scared me. What? I've been here the whole time. Oh, like the ghost in La Girona.

Nope. Like just a guy in your store. I don't get it. Okay. Every couple weeks, I'm tasked with coming up with a new way to introduce our ongoing biblical skit segment. And that gets harder as we enter into the part of the Bible that just tells you what the previous parts of the Bible said. Of course, I could just recycle old intros, but then I'd be putting as little effort into this as the people who wrote the fucking Bible. And yeah, we have higher standards than that here on...

Bible Peace God. And yeah, we have higher standards than that here on Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. You guys remember all the rules that we did in the first part of the book? Yeah, so do we ever. Remember the rules. Well, okay, I'm gonna say them all again, except

this time some of them will be different. Well, okay. I'm going to say them all again, except this time some of them will be different. Oh, no. Well, we are just so happy you could make it to Thanksgiving this year. Mm-hmm. Right. So you're still doing the radio thing? Yep. Yep.

Still doing the podcast. Cool. So let me ask you a question. David Leroy. What? Yep. Yep. Still doing the podcast. Cool. So let me ask you a question. David Leroy? What? Okay. I'm just asking a question. So it'll be fun.

So how come when you're doing... You killed him. I mean, Deuteronomy says to kill people who ask you to worship their gods. Okay. That's fair. These potatoes are great, by the way. Oh, thank you. The Bible. Sometimes it's right.

Okay, let's see. Did I say kill everyone and their cows if they don't worship our God? Yes, you said that one already. Yeah, multiple times. Okay. Oh, here's a new one. Don't commemorate the dead with baldness. What's it called between your eyebrows?

It's on the tip of my tongue. Have a unibrow? No, like the Egyptians do. You mean don't shave here? Yes, that thing. This is going to just drive me crazy. Uh, forehead? Forehead.

Yes, forehead. That's it. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, that sucks. Um, hey, Moses, did you forget the word forehead and put don't shave in between your eyes in our holy book? No. Okay. Excuse me, sir.

Can you spare any food? Can I? Follow me. He sent my daughter in there. Oh, God. What happened? No idea. Came out this morning and my cow was dead.

God says I can't eat it, but... You go in there. Wait, your God says when people come to you begging for food, you should give them animals that drop dead on your property? Yes, dig in. I think I'm good. Also, is that Sean Penn? It's supposed to be flies. It's a whole thing.

Holy Levite mortgage and loans, how may I help you? Hi, yeah, um, I had a question about my payment. Sure, just one moment while I look up your account. Oh, I see you've been a member with us for just over seven years, is that correct? Uh, yeah, I guess so. Well, then you're in luck. Here at Levite Mortgage and Loans, we release all debts every seven years, just like it says in Deuteronomy. Wow. Wait, really?

Oh, yes, sir. That's what it says in the Bible. Oh, man, this is incredible. I can go back to Jordan and visit my family. Did you just say that your family is from Jordan? Yeah, I mean, my grandparents are from Jordan. Actually, it's funny, I was... I am so sorry. The seven-year sabbatical does not apply to foreigners, only Israelites. Oh, I mean, what do you mean?

I am as Israeli as they come. Look how bushy I am. Have you met my super hot but also really intimidating and aggressive daughter? Nice try, sir. Damn it. For the poor shall never cease out of the land. Therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy in thy land.

Sorry, just a quick question. Oh, come on. I was doing really good stuff there. Yeah, no. Yeah, it was nice. It was a nice break from the slavery instruction. But did you say there will always be poor people? Yes.

Why? Did you say there will always be poor people? Yes. Uh, why? I mean, you know, some people are just going to be poor. No, sorry, we got it. Just like, can't God make everyone not poor? Yeah, like he said. I mean, yes, I guess. But he chooses not to. Yes. To the extent that he actually enshrined it in his holy book.

Yes, exactly. Cool, cool. Just checking in. That's great. All right, yeah. Good, okay. I got more slavery stuff. Cool.

More? Great. Well, Moishe, the day has finally come. Yep. You have been my slave for six years. Yep, for six years, yes, I have. So, you know, I've got some sheep and some wine all set up for you. Yeah, that's what it says in the books.

Thank you for those. You are going to do great. You're going to do great things. for you. Yeah, that's what it says in the books. Thank you for those. You are gonna do great. You're gonna do great things. Thank you. Thank you. Are you sure I can't convince you to stay? All I've gotta do is nail your ear to the door

and you can stay if you want to. No, you've made that super clear and I really appreciate it, but I just want to try the not slave thing for a while. It's really not about this work environment. All right, all right, all right. That sounds fine. That sounds good.

Good. Okay, I'm going to go now, if that's all right. And, hey, if you ever go on Glassdoor, right? Yeah, don't mention the time with the goat. Yeah, that would be great. You got it. It was just the one time. Was it?

No. Then shall thou bring forth that man or that woman which hath worshipped other unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shall stone them with stones till they die. So, like, what's Horus like? Oh, he's pretty cool. But, I mean, he's like a bird. So, yeah. Not a lot going on. Moo, moo, moo?

Oh, sorry about that, man. No offense. No offense. I think you should leave, dude. Moo, moo. All rise for the Honorable Judge Dewey. All right, everybody. Don't pull my leg and call me Sally.

What's the story, Wishbone? Your Honor, I saw my neighbor worshiping other gods. I wasn't. I was not doing that. I was just picking something up that happened to be near the statue of the other god. Hey, hey, hey. Don't sing me a song and Raisin Bran my cold cuts.

Do you have any other witnesses? What? Because this book says you need two or three witnesses to stone him. Yeah, no, my buddy Steve and Alan both saw. Guilty! All right, you know the rules. You gotta throw the first rock. I missed.

You did. So, like, do I do it again? Or is this like a first pitch situation and it doesn't... I don't know. Let me try. I forgot we're all Jews, aren't we? Yeah, this is going to take forever. Move him closer.

You want me to do it? Also, make sure your king doesn't have too many wives or too much money. Hey, um, um, hi everyone. It's me, God. Uh, for now. For now, is that right? Yes, for now. A couple thousand years and we're going to take a real hard right on that rule.

Yeah, two right turns if you know what I mean. Exactly. Okay, also God will send a prophet. Don't listen to a fake prophet, only real ones. Wait a second. Hold on. Sorry. Seriously, we're never going to get through this. Well, how are we supposed to know that he's a real prophet? Well, if he's a real prophet, the stuff he says will come true.

Okay, so if I'm like, I'm going to drop this rock, right? Oh, yeah. And then I do. Oh. Am I a prophet now? Yeah. Is it a qualification thing or is it on a per prophecy basis? I don't know. Just figure something out.

Oh, I have an idea. Good evening, everyone. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and welcome to American Prophet. This year, thousands of wannabe prophets from across the nation applied to see if they can replace Moses. But only one can be your American Prophet. Hi, my name is Herbie Sharkhammer. Excellent, Herbie. What is your prophecy? Okay, all right, here I go. I've been practicing this one.

Water is going to be wet. Oh, that is terrible. That is just terrible. Yeah, it's a no for me, dog, too. Please, Jennifer Lopez? I'm sorry, Herbie. Ooh, tough luck. So, Herbie, what's next for you?

I just want to say that I'm still going to keep, you know, prophesying. And, you know, I'm really grateful for the opportunity. Just, you know, just keep pursuing my dreams. And you guys haven't seen the last of me. I promise you that. You have not seen the last. So that's a prophecy right there that you haven't seen the last of me. That's a prophecy right there that you haven't seen the last of me. Yep, we have. Anyway, I'm Ryan Seacrest and I was credibly accused of sexual harassment by

my personal assistant. Like that? Who's Ryan Seacrest? Come on, he's on the New Year's Eve thing. No, that's Dick Clark. Did someone say my name? I am 50 years old right now, and you're listening to Arabian Bandstand. You are, though. That's true. He's 50 now. Okay, everybody, a couple of war rules. Super important.

Before you go to war, you gotta declare dibs. I'm sorry. Did you say dibs. I'm sorry, did you say dibs? I did, yes. Like, if you haven't fucked your wife, or eaten your grapes, or named your house, you gotta do that, because you could die. And then some guy's just gonna come be like,

I've got dibs, so, you know, get on that shit. Right, dibs, got it, okay. Also, when you come to a city, you got to give peace a chance. Oh. Well, that's surprisingly refreshing. Yeah. So if they agree to you just making them your slaves, super peaceful.

Okay. So if they're jerks and they don't want to be your slaves, then you can kill all the men and keep the women and children as slaves. Women and children as slaves. This is getting worse, yeah. That is, unless God says you can have the city, then kill literally everyone but the trees. Everyone but the trees, got it.

That's new. Okay, but what about smaller plants? Oh, that's a good question. All like a fern. This is all but the trees. Got it. That's new. Okay, but what about smaller plants? Oh, that's a good question. All like a fern. This is all in the book. It is. Really is. Hey, neighbor.

God damn it. Oh, what happened to him? Yeah, I don't know. I just, like, found this dead guy near my house this morning. I don't know what to do now. Oh guy near my house this morning. I don't know what to do now. Oh, that's rough. Yeah. Yikes.

So what are you going to do? I don't know. Do I call the Bible police? Do we have police here? No, we don't. Also, I hate to be that guy. Do you? But you do need to find a calf that has never done any work,

cut its head off, and wash your hands over its body. Wash my hands with, like, with its blood? No, no, just in the general area. Weird. And just also, it's just so much work you're describing. I know, yeah. It sucks. I'm sorry. Well, okay, is there any chance that like...

God will kill you and your children. Yep, kill me and my children. Yep, I thought so. Hey! Oh, hello there. Hey, yeah, um, can't help but notice I'm pillaging your city. Mm-hmm, it appears you are. Right.

How would you feel about coming back to my place and shaving your head and cutting your nails? Ooh, I'm into it. Guys, what the fuck are you doing? What? It's in the book. This is in the book. That's true. It is in the book.

I'm just saying it's weird. Yeah, but it is in the Bible. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So do I get my money back? I said you'll get your $50 later. Hi.

Welcome to Slave, Slave, Slaves. Oh, it's you again. Yeah, yeah, it's me. Hi. So I've got two wives. Hi. I can see that. Yeah, well, I hate this one.

Aw. But, yep, well, yep. You know I did. But she gave me a son first. Can I like a little swapsies with the inheritance? You're such a jerk. See, this is what I'm talking about. Oh, oh, no, I'm afraid not. In fact, you have to give your firstborn son double.

What? Are you serious? Double? Yes. I asked him what he wanted to be the other day, and he said, Fortnite streamer. He's really good. No, he's not.

No, he's not. No, he's not. Well, I'm sorry, but rules are rules. I hate this place. You guys are the worst. Oh. Don't talk to your father like that whatever

Claire what seems to be the situation here see now I would have gone with problem rather than situation what? what? our son is disobedient it's so terrible

whatever that's pretty bad. Yeah, just what does God think we should do about our disobedient son? God says all the elders of the town must stone him. I mean, if we must. So, like, what's really going on, man man what's with all the rebellion honestly oh i just i just feel like as i grow up i'm becoming a person that my parents didn't expect like like i i think they were hoping my values and personality would be a sort of combination of them but honestly i'm my own person and

that's been making it really hard to connect that's what i'm saying eli's putting youngian masks into the show i am not they are not eli what did we say young's oversimplification of the parental mask is inherently reductive. And? Don't reinforce it on the show. Exactly. You guys are weird. You don't even go here! Alright, and then it's like the stuff about not wearing mixed fibers

and then building a wall on your roof so someone doesn't fall off. We could do the neighbor thing. No, we already did that for this section. Oh, right, with the dead thing. Right, yeah. Okay, what about this? Hi, I'm Randy.

And I'm Andy. And we're the Consistent Christians. Is that a lady wearing pants? Stoner to death. Did you just take all the eggs out of that nest? That's a stoner. Is that jacket made of mixed fibers? Stone to death.

Stone, stone, stone. Because we're consistent Christians. Christian. You're going slow. This week on Consistent Christians. You're charged with multiple premeditated murders. How do you plead, applesauce? We were doing God's work.

I know, Andy, but defending ourselves would be defying a judge, and that's a one-way ticket to the Stone Zone. That's right, Randy. So, uh, Your Honor, we plead guilty. Great, I sentence you to death. Hooray! Great. I sentence you to death. Hooray! All right. Well, with Don and Heath's friendship once again thwarted by mortality, we're going to take a break, but we'll be back in a month for more Bible Peace Theater. Before we click publish tonight, I want to remind you that Heath will be given a talk at the Kentucky Free Thought Convention in Lexington on September 21st.

Friends of the show, Tracy Harris, Hemant Mehta, and Andrew Seidel will be there, plus a lot more. You'll find links to more info on the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citationated, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, it would trigger a lifelong cycle of shame if I neglected to thank the inimitable Heath Enright, the indomitable Lucinda Lusions, and the incorrigible Eli Bosnick. I need to thank Phil from the Brisbane Skeptics for writing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you're in the Brisbane area, you need more skepticism,

check for a link to their site in the show notes as well. Also want to thank Cameron for letting his dad come out to play. Also neglected to thank Kevin, Nancy, Christina and Kristen from Left at the Valley podcast for last week's Farnsworth quote. But I did link them in the show notes. Didn't forget that. So thanks, guys and gals. And I'll toss you an additional link this week, too. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people.

Scoop, Bucky, Aldred, BCP, Doc, Jacob, Michael, Henry, the Heretical Popes, all of them apparently, and Alethea485. Scoop, Eldred, and BCP, whose IQs are so high they have to put flashing lights on them to warn airplanes. Jacob, Michael, and Henry, whose erections bump into those lights. And the Heretical Popes and Alethea485, who are so cool they piss ice, but so hot they melt it back into piss before it comes out. piss ice, but so hot they melt it back into piss before it comes out. Together, these eight brilliant beauties bestowed benevolent benefits bound to boost our bulletins brand this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the various with-alls it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help but you swore never to donate to a podcast until you've avenged the death of your teacher,

you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, find all the contact info on the contact page at scalyalias.com. And then, Morgan, I want the, like, American Idol music. But we can't use the

American Idol music, so just some kind of game-showy music will have to do. But like American Idol music but we can't use the American Idol music so just some kind of game showy music we'll have to do but like American Idol Google like American Idol music thank you the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved