The Scathing Atheist - 343: The Harder They Falwell Edition

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

In this week’s episode, we’ll finish Vulgarity for Charity just in time for Vulgarity for Charity, Kevin Sorbo forces the Academy to add an award for greatest motion picture of all time, and we learn that not everything that’s Falwell ends well. --- Get tickets to see us live in NYC on October 12th: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-nyc-tickets-67044382553 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s Corruption at Liberty U. is Even More Worse Than We Knew: https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2019/09/09/jerry-falwell-liberty-university-loans-227914 Drew Brees expresses support for Christian bigotry: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/08/focus-on-the-family-defends-drew-brees-by-pretending-theyre-not-a-hate-group/ Idaho Man to SCOTUS: Using My Social Security Number Violates My Christian Faith: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/01/idaho-man-to-scotus-using-my-social-security-number-violates-my-christian-faith/ Trans student sues WV school after assistant principal demands "proof" of gender: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/07/trans-student-sues-wv-school-after-asst-principal-demands-proof-of-his-gender/ Marianne Williamson Condemns “Secularized Left” for Trashing Her Hurricane Tweet: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/04/marianne-williamson-condemns-secularized-left-for-trashing-her-hurricane-tweet/ Pastor Rick Joyner says Christians must create militias for the impending civil war: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/07/pastor-rick-joyner-christians-must-create-militias-for-the-impending-civil-war/

Warning, this week's episode contains fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Hymns, and by the makeup brand for the cowardly football bigot, On The Go. Easy Drew Breesy cover story. Maybe it's a hate group, maybe it's make-believe. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Alexander Thomas from Perth, Western Australia. Today, my partner and

I welcomed our first child, our little endless form most beautiful into the world. And we're looking forward to sharing all the amazing wonders with them, including that they did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's September 12th. And it's the International Day for South-South Cooperation. Because the first time they teamed up, it went so well. It did. It did. I have no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Joe Rogan's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll finish Vulgarity for Charity just in time for Vulgarity for Charity. Kevin Sorbo forces the Academy to add an award for greatest goddamn motion picture of all time. And we learn that not everything that's Falwell ends well. But first, the diatribe.

A buddy of mine told me the story once of Jesus finding his bong. He grew up in a strictly religious home, a Jehovah's Witness home no less, but somehow managed to be a pothead despite all that. So one day he comes home from school to find his dad sitting on his bed next to a bong and a tray with a couple buds on it. So his dad gives him the whole devil's weed talk or whatever, takes the bong and the weed, announces how long he's grounded. And then before he leaves, he has to tell my friend what a narc Jesus is, apparently. He says to him, he's like, in case you're wondering how how i knew the holy spirit told me to look in the top of your closet of course this leaves my buddy wondering why the holy spirit didn't mention

anything about the ounce of weed under his bed but he didn't ask about it now of course what actually happened is dad got suspicious over some little thing that he barely remembered right he he comes in on my buddy closing his closet awfully fast he hears something suspicious followed by the closet opening something like that. Then he thinks to himself, hey, I should check my son's closet and see if he's got drugs in there. And when he finds the drugs he'd suspected he might find, he retrofits that into a message from the Holy Spirit. The rest of us call this process thinking. But for Christians, it's called receiving a message from the Holy Spirit.

And as dumb as this is, Christians try to use it to prove their God to me all the fucking time. They'll say something like, you know, that little voice in the back of your head that tells you, you shouldn't be doing this. And then they act like they've just identified a God right there in my brain that I can interact with. Now, first of all, the voices in my head aren't places, right? There's no back of my consciousness. The voice that says you shouldn't be doing this. It's in the exact same location as the voice that says, but it'd be an awful waste of lube if you stop now.

And I'm sure the Christians wouldn't be as quick to claim that latter thoughts divine authorship. But secondly, and more importantly, that little voice, that's me. Secondly, and more importantly, that little voice, that's me. I'm the culmination of all those voices, plus the bones and muscles and organs and shit that towed them around. The voice in the lower left corner of my brain or wherever that tells me I probably shouldn't do this is an amalgamation of all the moral teachings that I've internalized, my personal experience, and the back of the envelope calculation I did on how likely I was to get caught. It's not a thing in need of explanation any more than the voice in my head that says, should I pick up mustard or do we already have plenty?

Of course, Christians can't admit that or they'd be unable to maintain the stiflingly low self-image their religion requires of them. I mean, as soon as you start attributing all the good thoughts you have to God, it's pretty easy to convince yourself that you're a piece of shit, right? As my friend's anecdote reminds us, this mythical description isn't limited to just the moral imperatives. Even a hunch that turns out to be correct gets rolled into the Holy Spirit. So what's left? Just immoral temptations, unfounded suspicions, incorrect answers, and bad ideas. No wonder they're so convinced they deserve to burn in hell. And no wonder they assume that we're a convenient alibi away from murder rape all the time either, right?

I mean, as low as their opinion is of themselves, their opinion of us manages to be still lower. But if you think the only way you know stealing shit is wrong is because a ghost is whispering it to you, it's got to be hard to trust the people who aren't listening to the whispery ghost. But I'd argue that the worst consequence of this isn't even the bigotry. Imagine how terrifying it must be to not even have your own head to yourself. I guess, honestly, a lot of you don't even have to imagine it because you were religious. You can just remember what that was like. I vaguely remember it too, right? I shocked off religion pretty early in life, but I still remember having it too, right? I shut off religion pretty early

in life, but I still remember having thoughts like, but what if God doesn't exist? And then trying to chase him away in case God heard me doubting him. That has to be the worst consequence, right? The voluntary surrender of lines of inquiry. You know, God doesn't just get pissed when you conclude that he doesn't exist. He gets pissed if you even doubt it and he can hear your thoughts. So you better not even think about your religion being wrong. I mean, when you look at the rebuttals offered up by Christian apologists, it's easy to conclude that they're incapable of thinking. But if you look at their doctrines, it all makes sense. It's not that they're unable to think about this stuff logically.

It's that they're not allowed to think about this stuff logically or otherwise. And, you know, obviously this isn't a happy fucking accident. Think about how much Christian leaders love to highlight the thought crime parts of the Bible. They're constantly reminding prospective marks that even lusting after somebody counts like committing adultery does. Even hating somebody is the same as murdering them to Jesus. Thinking about something is just like doing it. So even thinking, but what if God doesn't exist is the same as murdering them to Jesus. Thinking about something is just like doing it. So even thinking, but what if God doesn't exist, is the same as hammering Jesus back up on that cross all over again. But there's only one reason to dissuade someone from thinking, and that's because you're lying

to them and not even well, right? Not even lying to them good enough that you're confident about it. And hey, Christians, that voice that you hear in the northwest quadrant of your head or whatever that tells you exactly this all the time, that's not the Holy Spirit. It's you. And this is one of those rare instances when you're right. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the rumbling and bumbling to my stumbling Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to be able to not be able to get in touch with me on Sundays for a few months? Great. Now between you and Heath, I can fuck myself eight days a week. Yeah. Okay. Well, just maybe don't text. What you thinking quite so much? No. All right. All right. Well well i think i need to remind these guys what dr gloucester said about effective communication so we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week zip recruiter hiring can be a slow process cafe altura's coo

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The smartest way to hire. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, from the fall well and fall hard file breaking news this week jerry falwell jr is exactly who we thought he was yep i don't even mean if like you've been listening to the show for a while i mean if you have no idea who jerry falwell jr is you can google a picture of him right now and you will be 100 percent correct about what we learned about him this week. Namely, that he is a liar, a thief, big old thief, and he won't stop talking about fucking his wife to strangers. Right.

But in fairness, Eli does that last thing a lot. Yeah. I will take you out of my school. What made this story so amazing to me is that every third revelation was something that is, A, not immoral, and B, pissing off the Christians way more than all the possibly criminal shit in the other two thirds of the revelations. Very much. Yeah. So for those unfamiliar with Jerry Falwell Jr., he's a somehow magically worse version of Jerry Falwell and the president of Liberty University. No relation to either of those words. He made national headlines in 2016 for his outspoken support of Trump and then for his allegedly covering up fucking a pool boy with

his wife, bragging about having a gun on stage during a speech and blaming whether on gay people the list is long and he looks like john lithgow lost a neckbeard bet yeah yep and he runs a university that has less academic clout than devry but because they say jesus three times over the cornerstone we're not allowed to treat them like the video game design institute llc that they really are hey do not talk about vgd like i'm a phoenician i forgot that you were an alum so yeah so the list really went on this week thanks to an expose over at politico more than a dozen aides coworkers, board members and former students came forward to dish the dirt on J-Files now among the myriad of bad behaviors

outlined in the article, Falwell reportedly granted ludicrous real estate deals and loans to his family sent his son to accompany Michael Cohen on bribes for Donald Trump and as I teased at the beginning of the story won't stop talking about fucking his wife to strangers.

Here's the quote. Quote, longtime Liberty officials close to Falwell told me the university president has shown or texted his male confidants, including at least one employee who worked for him at Liberty, photos of his wife in provocative and sexual poses. him at liberty photos of his wife in provocative and sexual poses i'm guessing most of those photos are just his wife and the pool boy with falwell very clearly photo bombing his own selfie and they don't want him there he's the unwanted ivanka of his own pictures i guarantee you and again yeah that's awkward and fucked up especially if this is how his wife's finding out about it. But this story is filled with quotes like this one from an anonymous source described as a senior university official with inside knowledge of Liberty's finances. Quote, we're not a school.

We're a real estate hedge fund. We're not educating. We're buying real estate every year and taking students money to do it. End quote. And then right after that, they'll say they'll say like plus he's doing weird stuff with his dick yeah i'm not even with like just like slightly off yeah normal stuff with his dick just telling the wrong person speaking of which continuing the quote at liberty falwell is very very vocal about his sex life in the words of one liberty official a characterization multiple

current and former university officials and employees interviewed for this story's support in a car ride about a decade ago with a senior university official who has since left liberty quote all he wanted to talk about was how he would nail his wife how she couldn't handle his penis size and stuff of that sort end quote speaking of which i fucked my wife um nobody talked yet speaking of which hi i'm steve jerry jerry so either way if you've got the time you must read this politico piece it contains surprises, but good goddamn is it satisfying. Yeah, right. And it's not just fuck stuff.

I mean, embezzlement type shit in there, too. There's something for everybody. Yeah. Something for everything. Depends on what your focus is. And in Breeze Nuts news tonight, the NFL season started last week, marking the transition where all my nerdy friends stopped posting heartfelt pleas about how we should just allow everyone to enjoy

their favorite cartoon, RPG, sci-fi franchise, or YA book series without judgment, and replace those with posts about how stupid sports ball is. Hey guys, you notice I don't jump on your Harry Potter post to proudly exclaim that I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about? Ever notice that?

Anyway. That I'm good at. It's also the time of year when people who are elevated to national fame for a combination of ball manipulation skills and willingness to get hit

by guys on steroids for a living take advantage of that fact to tell us dumb Jesus shit. I throw a leather egg as my job and I'm here to tell you about advanced epistemology because I'm an expert on that as my job. Yeah, no, thank you for that. Hey, do you ever catch the leather egg at your job?

Not usually, no. Do you count a shot? We have a different department for that. I get small tosses with the shot. No, I get it. You were saying about what is and isn't true in the universe gone epistemology all right so saints quarterback and future first ballot hall of famer drew breeze reminded us that football intelligence and intelligence are two different things when he teamed up with anti-lgbt hate group focus on the family to encourage

children around the nation to bully the hindu during National Bring Your Bible to School Day. Point of order, a strong counter to National Bring Your Bible to School Day is read other people's kids Bible to them at school day. Yeah, really, really puts a stop to that. So this is, of course, a group that supports gay conversion therapy, misrepresents data to undermine the case for LGBT adoption, says trans people are mentally ill and routinely condemns anti-bullying campaigns because they won't let Christians tell gay kids they're going to hell. And they sponsor an event meant to remind Jewish, Muslim and atheist kids that Jesus still runs America. And all Drew Brees did was give them a full throated endorsement. Now, for some damn reason, everybody's all pissed off at him.

Well, about half of everybody. The half that does not like hate groups, I guess. They're pissed. And Falcon fans. I mean, they already were, but yeah. Subset of the group. So Brees expressed bafflement at this reaction and issued a lengthy statement where

he said he didn't do the thing that he did and then admitted that he did the thing that he did and acted like he was talking about different stuff both times. It was like a puzzle where every third sentence was a true one or something. Yeah, well, 33 percent. That gets you a degree at Purdue University if you're a stockholder. I guess so, yeah. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, one of me is lying and one of me tells the truth. gets you a degree at Purdue University if you're a star quarterback. I guess so, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, one of me is lying and one of me tells the truth. What would second guy say about you being a liar? Now, to be clear, Breeze is playing the victim here. He endorsed a hate group and then

when people said, hey man, you just endorsed a hate group that literally promotes torturing children for being gay. He cried Christian persecution and then ran screaming to the open arms of Fox News. He's made no apology. He's offered no condemnation of Focus on the Family or any of the heinous shit they support. He's made no change. And that thing on the side of his face is fucking weird. And I can't look at anything else when he's talking.

It's insane. What is it? And Mahomes is so much better than him. He's not even a great fantasy quarterback anymore. There's no redeeming qualities. Couple more completions and fine. You can be a bigot, but not with this past couple of seasons. You gotta be an elite, elite fantasy

quarterback. You gotta be at the level of Colin Kaepernick before you can have political opinions. And in blunder of the beast news tonight, you know, for atheist reporters like ourselves, the Federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act is kind of like that terrible couple, you know. I mean, sure, they're terrible for everyone involved and especially themselves. But it's also kind of fascinating to watch like a slow motion car crash. If the driver was making hard eye contact with you, the entire crash demanding you let them crash their car loudly.

So one such crash test dummy may be taking his case all the way up to the Supreme Court this week over the right to not hand over his Social Security number to the government which has his social security but to be fair from a legalist perspective here he's anti-social insecure and has no numeric value so if we're ever going to make an exception on this rule i feel like this is the guy that's fair that's fair so here's the story george rick is a construction worker and a medically ignorant human who interprets revelations to mean don't do anything with the government and numbers or numbers right and therefore he shuns his social security number as the mark of the beast the problem is that in order to be a licensed contractor in rick's state of idaho you have to provide certain mandatory proofs of identity including your social security number and so now i really can't emphasize this enough just a tremendous amount of money and time is going to be dedicated to figure out whether or

not it's legal for george rick to keep his social security number secret or ignore whatever he's there's just going to be so much wasted time and money this is breathtakingly stupid because the government already fucking has it they invented the system they created the number does he think like repeating

it back to them is a magical spell or something like he's Mr. Mix mix you spit lick like what the fuck's happening we should point out also like rick's interpretation of revelations is fucking moronic but so is the legal precedent in this case i mean legal precedent right now in 2019 holds that corporations are people who can not believe in birth control but giving water to asylum seekers dying in the desert isn't a protected act so who knows fuck it yeah right no look i was already pissed off

about corporate personhood even before they made a zero-sum game of it right and as regular listeners will know all of this idiocy is because of rifRA. I mean, look, there are better people than I who have done a better job of opening these arguments. But a fundamental part of RFRA is determining whose religious beliefs are sincere. And spoiler alert, George Rick is white. So I'm going to take a guess that when the court reviews this in October, they're going to decide he super duper means it for realsies. Yep. Yeah. Also, by the way, I think this is going to get worse because as I understand it, we just started using the 600 prefix for social security numbers.

Oh, no. So we're going to start getting 666s possibly. People are going to freak the fuck out. Amazing. That'll be fun. All right. Possibly we're going to freak the fuck out. Amazing.

That'll be fun. All right. Well, while we outline the holy book for our new George, Rick should fuck himself with a gourd religion. We're going to take a quick break for our word from our second sponsor this week. Hems. Some problems don't have easy solutions. Let me ask you something. When you wash a towel, does the towel get wet or does the washing machine get dry? I think it's the first one.

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slash scathing can i like buff it out myself i don't know can you no no i cannot well then no and we're back next up in headlines we have uh sadly one of the more disgusting stories we've ever heard out of west virginia and that is a competitive category oh yes which includes one of the most vile school administrators ever yep the assistant principal of a west virginia public high school is now involved in a legal battle after literally stalking a trans boy into the bathroom and insisting the kid quote prove his gender by i'm assuming taking his dick out and peeing wow fucking well like going into this story i just said there isn't really a scale of evil when it comes to demanding to see a child's genitals but it turns out there is he found an evil way for that like there's an evil end of that

scale apparently and he thinks he's the good guy yeah right like the catholic priests aren't high-fiving each other and okay well maybe they're but they say they are right right exactly when we when we can hear them oh yeah so the assistant principal in question is lee livingood and much like his name suggests he looks like the brand mascot for a beer that comes with a chewing tobacco spittoon built into the side of the can. He's like a fucking Pabst Blue Ribbon came to life. And not in the ironic hipster way like Brooklyn people are enjoying PBRs. Now, I mean, like right now, Lee Livingood is explaining to somebody like, OK, here's my system. If you divide my monthly salary by 30, that means every afternoon I get 24 PBRs and a handful of loose candy corn. And if you drop some, you still get those.

They have to let you keep those. It's a rule. You get all the ones dropped, too. Rule. You get all the ones dropped, too. And last November, he followed a trans student into the boys room, started harassing the kid mid shit, was waiting for him just outside the stall door like a crazy person, and then detained him in the bathroom for the next four minutes while yelling transphobic slurs until another adult finally showed up and sort of defused the situation. Oh, sake. Two minutes in, this dude's realizing that flushing was a form of unilateral disarmament. Yeah, but here's the craziest part

of the story. This gentleman is still alive. Right? This kid's parents live in West-by-two-hams-get-one- gun-free Virginia, and this guy can still breathe out of his own mouth and nose that's amazing that's what i don't get yeah and uh here's the response we got from the school district following this hate crime mr living good was suspended with pay for four days

and then eventually fired that way that's sorry i'm sure it's suspended with pay for four days and then eventually fired that way that's sorry i'm sure it's suspended with pay for four that's a vacation though yep right that is that's what we call that normally other words for vacation paid vacation um yeah but that didn't sit well with the superintendent and a couple weeks later living good got rehired what i meant was it didn't sit well he thought that was bad that they fired him. Now he's rehired. So now the ACLU is suing living good for false imprisonment, obviously, also sexual harassment and emotional distress and also suing the district for negligent rehiring of a bigot sex criminal in case that wasn't clear. Yeah, that's a problem because it definitely wasn't clear. Apparently that wasn't clear yeah that's a problem because it definitely

wasn't clear apparently that wasn't clear so there's a lawsuit and in response living good issued the following uh we'll say apology attempted apology i don't know quote i'm sorry for raising my voice while in the bathroom that's the end of the quote. Murder. So don't worry. He's gonna whisper hateful slurs to trans kids while they're shitting through the bathroom stall door from now on. It was his tone. Really. The tone was the issue. This guy is a philosophical enigma.

We're not. Look, there's nothing you can do or say to this person that isn't a moral rightness. We could feed him to the utilitarian happiness monster. This has changed the game. And in when he closes a window, he opens a door he un-news

tonight. Spiritualist figure and primary debate comic relief Marianne Williamson remind us that batshit craziness can comfortably live alongside the seven smart things she's ever said when she issued a call on Twitter asking all patriotic Americans to use their mind powers to force push away a hurricane. national resource she deleted the tweet and replaced it with one that chastised the quote overly secularized left end quote for pointing out that she was cat cur with a sensible hairdo okay let's be clear one of the top 20 candidates to be the democratic nominee for president of the

goddamn united states is an auric sorceress named Marianne Williamson. Yes! We are wildly under-secularized. Thank you! On the left even. Thank you! Okay. Plus side, bright side to this story, I got to leave this story for no fucking illusions. Like, Heath got Dreadlock's preacher

two weeks ago, Noah gets Marianne Williamson's overly secularized left story this week. Next week for me, Tim Ryan's going to fall into a vat of vegan jello and need someone to eat him free while he cries

and says no one's coming to save us. Okay. Why is a preacher with dreadlocks my thing? You loved him. You loved him so much. I did love him.

He brought you so much joy. I've never seen you as happy as you were when you were showing us that picture. I'm smiling a lot right now, to be honest. Okay, I get it. I get it. He does have a framed picture of him next to his desk at this point. I already had that. Yes, I'm looking at it.

So obviously this came in the run-up to Hurricane Dorian's landfall and started with a tweet that read in part, quote, millions of us seeing Dorian turn away from land is not a wacky idea. It is a creative use of the power of mind, end quote. But it is a wacky idea, regardless of how much the lady doth protest. So people pointed that out. And then she responds with this amazing tweet, quote, I was born and raised in Texas, so I've seen it.

I was born and raised in Texas, so I've seen it. It being presumably magically altering the course of tropical storms by wishing, which was also presumably particularly visible in Texas during the 50s. I don't know. She continued. Yeah, nothing ever hits Texas. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. Quote, millions of people today are praying that Dorian turns away from land and treating those people with mockery or condescension because they believe it could help is part of how the overly secularized left has lost lots of voters and tweet.

who's like, yeah, I don't like tax breaks for rich people and I don't like concentration camps, obviously, but I'm going to be mocked for my hurricane magic? That is a goddamn deal breaker. Who are these people? I wish I didn't talk to hundreds of these people over the last month.

Are you serious? You know who thinks my brain is magic? Jill Stein and that's why she's my candidate. God damn it, that's real. Look, so yeah, no, I'll admit, I agree with her on that last part. Failing to pretend that you can cash in a favor with Jesus to change the weather

probably does cost the left some votes. Hey, you know what? So does promoting LGBT equality, and as it happens, they're the same fucking votes. Yes, we already lost those. Yeah, even if we play along when they say they can drive hurricanes with their brains, they're still

not going to vote for us, so let's just admit they can't drive fucking hurricanes with their brains. They were never on your side. They were just pretending so you'd be nice to them. And finally tonight, it looks like the Christians finally got tipped off about the impending civil war that we've been working on.

Damn it. Yeah. Damn it. And they know we're batting a thousand on those civil wars up here in the Union. So they're in a well-justified panic, especially after hearing from Pastor Rick Joyner about how we're going to be taking away the only things they love as much as the ideals of the confederacy god and guns so that's why people like joiner and alex jones and kevin sorbo a huge pin in that kevin sorbo that's why those guys are telling christian america that they better form some militias because without organized tactical resistance from your five overweight friends at the walmart

gun section without that the u.s military which is full of pretty much entirely atheist warriors of course yeah they're gonna take over america again still more it's not gonna happen double america america extra yeah look when the army comes for your god him not existing is finally gonna work in your favor for a change just let it happen guys see i was just picturing christ Christians everywhere opening up their empty God safes as Danny Ocean drives off into the sunset. Ocean's 12. Nice. So Pastor Rick Joyner, who you might remember from being Santa's pedophile uncle, he went on the Jim Baker show last week and said the following, quote, we were meant to have militias throughout the country to defend our communities. If Christians don't get involved in things like that, the wrong people will get in. Christians need to get in to set the course.

We're not just going to attack other races. Cool. Other stuff too. They're going to do other stuff besides just attacking other races. Is that what militias are for? Apparently, yes. Continuing the quote, Jesus himself said, there's a time to sell your coat and buy a sword. It was actually cloak. That's fine. Yeah. That was the weapon of their day.

The sword he wanted to clarify. End quote. Yeah. I, for one, I'm kind of proud of the person that finally convinced Rick Joyner that when he says the things he thinks out loud, he should just periodically remind people that he's not calling for a race war. Right? Like, that was a big job and an important job, and I'm glad somebody finally did it. Just every fourth sentence with him is, I'm not just going to attack other races.

Now, that's good. Tall Tyler in the private sector. Right. But he does kind of give away the game, right, when he's like, the army of whites will not just kill other races. Wait for it. There will also be intramural sports, I assume.

Intramural sports! I love that. I would love to get a color guard started. Yearbook. So, that was a nice clarification at the end again about the swords when he said sell your coat and buy a sword like i was expecting you know buy a giant gun so i got confused but sword is just an old-timey word for ar-15 plus 200 buckets of dried potatoes from jim baker yep and um speaking of preppers with guns i believe we had a huge pin from before oh the sweetest of pins this is the best pin

that pin was all about the greatest piece of news uh we've ever gotten that we get to cover on the show anyway. Straight up ever. According to approximately 8,000 messages we got last week. Thank each and every one of you. That's all I can say. Lovely. I knew already. It's a Google alert, but still. So according to those messages and my Google alert, Kevin Sorbo is starring in a new movie.

Yes. And it's all about the plucky militia of several people in rural Ohio who are going to save the country from a violent leftist takeover by the Marxist b gangs yep that are going to take us over and yes those gangs will be led by nfl star come any job that pays money now brian the boz bosworth indeed and also starring eric roberts because they wanted me to have multiple orgasms and i did wow well you know what the fact that this makes me happy makes me sad what happened is kevin sorbo watched america get in and was like okay well someone's got to be honest about who's coming for our kids and it's antifa and don't forget to buy your tickets right the fuck away oh right now it's called yeah it's called the reliant and it's going to be releasing wide like i'm talking the width of Ohio plus a few other select locations on October 24th.

Movie magic time. Yeah, and it's already been pulled from theaters starting on October 25th. Again, get your tickets now. And despite being obviously amazing, we will be shoehorning The Reliant into an episode of Godawful Movies. Get excited. Get fucking excited.awful Movies. Get excited. Get fucking excited. I am so excited. Hell yeah.

All right. Well, now that everybody in the audience is hard or wet or some combination of the two, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Telekinesis Jenga. And when we come back, we won't have anything nice to say. We'll see you next time. damn long to get through all of those insults but really sorry about that no as of tonight assuming eli's phenomenal organizational skills didn't allow anybody to slip through the cracks i can stop answering the polite emails that say hey you still haven't finished all your vulgarity for charity roasts with well you haven't finished them either and start answering with the fuck we

haven't because tonight maybe we're happy to probably finally present at long last the final installment of last year's vulgarity for charity. We're like FIFA titles, but in reverse. Yeah, exactly. 2018. First up, Kimberly needs a roast of Ralph, the Trump and InfoWars loving maniac. Wow. Great. Okay.

Ralph looks like the Kennedy who just won won't die like we've been trying to kill a bunch of them he he keeps getting missed i'm pretty sure he was conceived on the night of the chappaquiddick incident and the cia was just like okay cool that was a that was a freebie great but then he fucking lived and now he's not even a liberal so he's not getting hunted just living in the world and buying gold socks and being himself and excited about his stupid fucking gold socks and like working it into conversations all right so next up jacob needs a roast of his friend antonio who eli handed his id to at the Seattle live show, thinking it was a bouncer, possibly because of the color of his

skin. Antonio, I have apologized, but you jumped out at me neither here nor there, in my defense. Maybe throw in like three more apologies right here. I feel solid in my place in the world, but mostly, mostly I'm roasting, thank you.

Mostly, I'm sorry, because you. Mostly, I'm sorry. Because you look way more like a guy who would make a fake ID than check for them. And that's my bad. You look like you sold me so much goddamn oregano in high school, I'm legally an Italian restaurant, Antonio. Okay. Antonio

doesn't look like me. That's confusing. Okay. Noah, this next one's for you. Following that last subject. Tony needs a roast for his friend, Connor. Okay. Well, this is going to be tough because I don't know what Connor looks like. He sent me this picture, but he's doing that.

Look, I'm disguising how ugly I am in this picture by pretending I'm doing it on purpose thing with his face. As though we're going to say, gee, if he didn't make them silly faces and all those photos, he probably wouldn't look like a walrus that lives in his mom's basement and posts a list of rules on his door. But he does. We know. I feel attacked by that last roast. I just want to throw that out there. Some of those rules are illegal. Anyway, Eli, you're up next.

Rui would like a roast for their friend shane oh cool thanks rui a roast for your super cool friend who despite their health problems opened up their home to you in your hour of need sure thing can i do gandhi instead because that guy fucked kids i've got an in on gandhi eli eli all right i get to do the gandhi roasts fine did gandhi do that no yeah get a google shane looks like the result of the first ever half a face transplant. You look like you're doing disability aware mannequin to cosplay. All right, Noah, I got one for you. Leone would like a roast for the head of Atheist Ireland.

All right. This guy cheats at golf. Right. Just look at him. And he cheats dumbly. Right. Like he's doing the, oh guy cheats at golf. Just look at him. He cheats dumbly. He's doing the, oh, here it is thing, but before he drops the ball out of his pocket and when everyone's looking at the ball that he just hit in the bushes

Here it is in my pocket. Ah, I can't do it. And in this picture that we were sent, he's wearing the smile of a substitute teacher that hasn't quite figured out that the whole class is just fucking with him yet, but he's starting to put it together. Y'all are dropping your pencils. All right. Okay.

And Heath, Sarah needs a rose for her husband's graduate student advisor in physics. Wow. This guy, he sucks. I can just tell he looks like he spends most of his life trying to work his job into a sentence to seem extra smart just like he's like rolling a giant pane of glass on wheels through the supermarket with his shopping list on it and equations just to inspire a conversation mostly in the produce aisle probably just constantly asking people if they like apples

so we can quote from goodwill hunting and segue into being good at math fuck you all right and eli we've got a request for you to roast derrick's ex-friend kevin oh man kevin what can you say about kevin that the paper won't eventually say after his mass shooting kevin looks like a paper cut feels and kevin if you hear this, and I really hope you don't because if you do, you'll probably shoot up the staples copy and print you work at. It's not that women don't want

to fuck you because of feminine. They don't want to fuck you because they can see you, Kevin. And you look like Archie joined Turning Points USA. That's why. And speaking of friends, Noah, why don't you roast Dennis's current friend, Max? Ah, well, current as of this recording anyway.

Hey, Max, just shave your fucking head, man. I mean, not many people that I can take under my arm and point over to Eli and say, you need to take your appearance as seriously as that guy does. But you're one of those people. You just got a little stranded continents of hair going on. Just shave your head or join one of the hat religions or just do something, man. For him, just send him back a letter that was like, nope, nope, can't do it. We apologize.

Try ZipRecruiter. All right, fellas. Now that we're good and limber, it's time for another Spikening Round. Now, all of these folks, of course, will be among the final roasties of Vulgarity for Charity. And for this Spikening Round, I'd like you to tell me what else they'd be picked last for. First up, for Heath, we have Catherine's Grandpa. What else they'd be picked last for? First up, for Heath, we have Catherine's grandpa.

Okay, so definitely picked last for smiling without giving away that you have a gun hidden in the toilet tank in the back of the restaurant. Sure. This guy is 100% about to kill a rival mobster who is taking the picture. Pretty much at all times, yeah. All right, and for Eli, Andrew Klavan. Oh, my goodness. I mean, Andrew Klavan was literally picked last for jeans. He's so recessive.

When I tried to paste his picture into our notes, Clippy popped up and asked me if I was writing a letter of resignation for fucking a scrunchie during office hours. So, you know. 23andMe sent him back a letter that was like, nope. Nope. Try four heads. You've actually died.

All right. And Stacey winner rose for her home state of North Carolina, which was picked last for a global apocalypse. Look out towers, because how the fuck would you know? But it did finish third

in the competition for state with a silhouette that most resembles Donald Trump's hair right behind Washington state and and upside down new york wow it does really close good for you good for you all right heath back to you what was suzanne's aunt sandra picked last for okay well she definitely got picked last for a sport called don't look exactly like a dusty eggplant ball. Oh. All right, Eli, what about Aaron's brother? Oh, what was Aaron's brother picked last?

Well, according to the picture, fucking shirts, dude. He looks like he comes from an alternate timeline where the hijab is enforced on moobs. Right. I've never. All right. And last but certainly least, the band Stormlight was picked last for the internet. Like, seriously, you can only find them if you make your way all the way through the cat pictures, all the way through all the porn.

And then they're there. Like, I literally couldn't find their music on their facebook page it's like they know all right well that's the bell well done points all around wait wait were we being graded the whole time yep sure we're let's jump back in eli damn it glenda would like a roast for her brother for missing our live show in chicago ah okay well you know what gl's brother, it's probably for the best you missed our live show. Heath is kind of relying on the handsome bald guy thing

and if an actual one showed up, it would kind of kill his game. This is a roast. A roast for Glenda's brother. Sorry. You look like Mr. Clean's pornographic counterpart, Mr. Dirty.

Mr. Very, very dirty. I feel like that was directed at both of us, mostly me. All right, so Heath, Carrie would like a roast for all the lawyers in her office. Oh, my God. Look at this guy. There's no fucking way all these people passed the goddamn bar exam. He's really great. Shot.

Because you're drawn. Maybe the lady in the middle. That's the only person who could possibly have passed the test. Yeah, they get you because you're drawn to fat guy in the corner

and you're like, he's the craziest looking one. But then you look at each of them and they get crazier looking. Yep. They look like a subway poster for like Boston Market Legal.

But like, but redneckier. They look like the plaintiff's table at a lawsuit against Old Country Buffet for not putting a reasonable cap on all you can eat and just making everybody look like this against their will. But they're still all clearly going to that buffet after this hearing right away. Those plaintiffs and their real estate agent. Right. For some reason, it's just like four crazy people and CJ Craig from the West Wing in the middle.

All right. Noah, Brian would like a roast for his friend, Chris. All right. This motherfucker is a conspicuous scar away from bond villain status right but like not not like a good villain like maybe the main villain but he's the one that hires the cool villain and then gives him too much shit in act three so the cool villain kills him and ascends to main villain instead jesus christ chris you're so boring you aren't even the star of your own insult all right he, another one for you.

Nate would like a roast of his friend Nick's fiancée, Jackie, though I'm guessing by now she's his wife or maybe his ex-wife. It's been a while since they sent these in is what I'm saying. All right. Wow, yeah. Jackie looks like Nick found her on Twitter by swiping her picture both left and right at the same time you know what happens to pictures when you do that get a photo up

yeah and her profile just said better oblate than never i guess in fairness mine says that too like she stole that from me because that's a really clever line for oblate people yeah so. So, all right. Eli. Bryce. Oh, goody. Yes. Yay. Not that Bryce.

Damn. Bryce would like you to roast him. Okay. Actually, you know what? Now that I look at the picture, it's going to sound like I'm just saying this, but Bryce also looks like he smells like soup. It's just like, you know. He does.

He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does.

He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. Like the soup he makes of his victim's feet how'd you manage to look shy in a picture buddy you look like you look like alan tudyk's alien

resurrection clone but instead of killing you with a flamethrower he just sent you to graduate school all right uh noah joe would like a roast of his old cult leader yeah i looked this motherfucker up uh this is a guy who kidnapped his own mom and brother for knowing about all the money he's embezzling how the fuck am i like what am i gonna do hey your mouth is so wide it looks like it's signaling the weakness in a boss fight seems a little tame for this motherfucker hey bro you're evil by the standards of the goddamn philippines yeah that's he looks like he lost an election to darte for not looking good enough all right heath i got another one for you venture would like you to roast him

okay um venture is an interesting name he doesn't look like he's ventured very far. He should probably take off those sunglasses too because they are about to get fully absorbed by his rapidly expanding amoeba face any second. And you got to be careful. I've lost several necklaces with that same problem. You got to be vigilant. There's a puka shell in there somewhere. All right.

So Eli, Eric would like a roast for himself oh eric you look like peewee herman is trying to sneak into atheism disguised as a child predator you look like your goatee is glitching out in a bad bethesda game all right noah this next one's for you mark would like you to roast columnist John Waters Alright, well first of all, thanks Mark for making me learn who this asshole is For fuck's sake, like my job doesn't make me familiar with enough assholes You gotta start shipping them in from Ireland So yeah, apparently every time somebody says something shitty about this guy in Ireland

He sues him? So on behalf of Ireland, hey John Waters You're a self-important, homophobic, theocratic, lying, cheating, thin-skinned bully whose facial hair looks like a hula skirt with dry rot and toilets are embarrassed to share a name with you. Ooh. He does. He really does. Not just the facial hair, but his whole head region. Yeah.

All right. So, Eli, how about a roast for Andy's deadbeat dad? Oh, Andy's dad. Andy's dad looks like he's trying to get Ty Cobb's signature at a KKK rally. Which is very easy to do. Yeah, it looks like he blames farts on someone else inside an empty elevator. Just out loud to himself. All right.

We've got a special request here from Jake for Heath to roast his two-year-old son, Toby. Oversized head. Oversized head. That's crazy, big head. What the fuck happened? How did you birth that? Wow. That is insane.

Come on, look at his head. It's the whole frame of the picture. Yeah. It's nuts. It's like a perspective puzzle. If this kid is playing outside on a sunny day, you got to look at him through pinholes in a shoebox. That is terrifying.

A shoebox, or as Toby calls it, a hat. All right, so we're in the homestretch here. Let's bring out some of our favorite characters. Heath, tell us, what does Sarah Huckabee Sanders think of Jessica'sica's brother ryan oversized teeth oversized teeth oh my god i just want to wind him up and watch him chatter around on my desk in fairness that's my normal courting ritual so might sound like a compliment but it's not you're very very unattractive i sarah huckabee sanders find you unattractive and eli thanks to bailey what does carl the pug a pegacorn think of casey's mom

oh hey casey's mom so your uh your profile picture says vegan for the animals and on behalf of the animals no thanks. We're gonna pass because you look like Slender Man's new girlfriend. You look like Moby on a hunger strike until people take his drag seriously. So Jim Rash.

Yeah. Alright, so Eli, related follow-up what does tony d think of seth and spencer's friend sebastian oh all right and hi i'm tony d come on down to tony d's house of sebastian we got lightsabers we got swords we bought way too late at night but most of all we've got hank Green if you forgot to feed or love him. So come on down to Tony D's house in Sebastian. In the words of his very close friends, he's a great guy, I promise.

It's really funny. And Noah, tell us what Inside Out Little Girl thinks of Nathan's cousin Brent. What the fuck? Okay's cousin, Brent. Okay. Oh, Brent,

if only your head could be inside out too, huh? Then you'd have an excuse for it to be shaped like that, but it's okay. If anyone can sympathize with having eyes that aren't in the part of the head, that's normally reserved for eyes, it would be me. All right,

Eli, I think Andrew's ex-friend Dan needs a roast from Melania Trump. Oh, all right. Well, hello, Dan. You look amazing, baby. I love how your chin is so long it goes all the way down

to your belly button. It's very attractive. You look like if a cliff bar was a guy. And let me tell you, I love it. I love it. You look great. All right, Heath a guy. And let me tell you, I love it. I love it. You look great. All right, Heath, I got another one for you.

Wayne would like a roast for himself, and we'd love to hear it as Alma from the Book of Mormon. God, you look stupid. Do you go to the barber and ask for the alcoholic stepdad goatee? You look like an idiot. You look like you're about to beat up a stepson for being too slow with the tape measures which actually is a good lesson but that's not the point and important okay uh noah you're up again there is a scandalous rumor that you only do two voices but proved itself to be a vicious lie this week on gam when you delivered a flawless ronald reagan so why don't you bring ronnie out to roast john's father-in when you delivered a flawless Ronald Reagan, so why don't you bring Ronnie out to roast

John's father-in-law? Flawless is not the word. I believe flawful. Flawful is the word you were looking for. Which makes it a perfect Reagan. Yeah, okay. So, no, Reagan is the right time frame for this one since this motherfucker sent us a picture of an out-of-focus

grainy Polaroid that was taken in low light to begin with. So I'll do what I can with it. Scanned with a Game Boy and then a picture was taken of that. Yeah, exactly. Someone texted this to my Walkman. All right, here we go.

Well, I suppose you look like my base is too easy and I stopped being a rare of my surroundings by 1986. So I can't reference anything more recent than that. So you look like Casper Weinberger. Fuck the gelfling. I'm always here for a Dark Crystal reference. All right. Heath.

Kate's co-worker Kay keeps insisting to her even today that he needs to vote his conscience because quote now more than ever there is no difference between democrats and republicans fuck face fuck you and real quote so i can't think of a better person to roast him than barack obama all right yeah no that's that's a good good idea all right uh hello okay uh i'm barack obama and you're an idiot you're an idiot you're an idiot uh i want you to take a look at a picture of me. Great. And now a picture of Donald Trump. Were you able to parse out any differences? No?

Nothing at all? You're an idiot. You're an idiot? You're an idiot. All right, and last but certainly not least, Eli. We've done two presidents in a row. So why not bring it home with a roast of Tyler's parents from President Donald Trump? Okay, here we go.

Wow, Tyler's parents, you look fantastic. I mean, look at you guys. I've been staring at this picture for 40, 45 minutes with a sharpie in hand. Even I can't do anything for you. Seriously, you look like, you know where you two lovebirds would fit in? The omelette station at Mar-a-Lago. Right behind me.

Hoping there's more ketchup when I'm done. Alright. Well, that's going to do it for this segment of Vulgarity for Charity and we think the whole shebang. If you donated and you didn't hear your insult here or over a cognitive dissonance, let us know. But fingers crossed and we think the whole shebang. If you donated and you didn't hear your insult here or over a cognitive dissonance,

let us know. But fingers crossed, we think we're actually done now. A solid seven weeks or so before the next one starts. Thanks for the donations everybody. Seriously, go faster next time. We're doing them in chronological order, so donate early. You motherfuckers.

Before we reach for the Kleenex tonight, I want to apologize to anybody who waited this long to pick up their Platinum Night tickets for the Citation Needed live show October 12th because those are sold out. You can't have them anymore. But there are still some general admission tickets, which you'll find linked in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the Blast movie we've got for you tonight,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting on 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Moves, debuting on 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday,

and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Day, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't call myself a podcaster if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for breaking it down, Lucinda Lusions for putting it back together, and Eli for dropping it before the glue was dry. debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't call myself a podcaster if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for breaking it down, Lucinda Lusions for putting it back together, and Eli for dropping it before the glue was dry. I also need to thank Alexander for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and I probably

owe him a congratulations, too, even though he probably let somebody else do all the hard parts. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Mark, Jason, Noah, Thomas, Robert, Bran, Zach, other Noah, and Shane. Mark, Jason, and Noah, whose wit is so sharp Uma Thurman cuts baseballs with it. Thomas, Robert, and Bran, whose ninjitsu is so fast their fists give quantum entanglement simultaneity envy. And Zach, other Noah, and Shane, who are so sexy even baked goods hope they'll deflower them. Together, these nine clever cats came together to cooperate in our continuous conniptions against the calumny of Christian canon this week by contributing cash.

Not everybody has the stash it takes to give us cash, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but money's too expensive to give away, you can also help a ton by leaving us a

five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-N on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

I've edited minutes of audio. I'm ready. Great. You got it down now. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.