The Scathing Atheist - 344: Fish Taco Edition

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

In this week’s episode, Chicago worshipers will Shale Mary, we'll talk about the classic riddle of the Christian, the chainsaw, and the penis crossing the river, and we’ll encourage kids to have sex with vegetables the right way. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist Come see us in New York City on October 12th: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-nyc-tickets-67044382553 To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Missouri’s Attorney General Refers 12 Predator Priests for Prosecution https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/14/missouris-attorney-general-refers-12-predator-priests-for-prosecution/ Worshipers in Chicago Think This Virgin Mary Painting is “Weeping” Healing Oils: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/11/worshipers-in-chicago-think-this-virgin-mary-painting-is-weeping-healing-oils/ Trump's faith adviser blessed the White House with "the superior blood of Jesus": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/11/trumps-faith-adviser-blessed-the-white-house-with-the-superior-blood-of-jesus/ Church tricked homeless people into slavery: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/11/12-church-leaders-accused-of-forcing-homeless-people-into-slavery-for-money/ Anti-Abortion Group Sells “1972” Necklaces to Combat Pro-Choice “1973” Jewelry: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/12/anti-abortion-group-sells-1972-necklaces-to-combat-pro-choice-1973-jewelry/ Man uses chainsaw to cut phallus off Māori carving in order to please God: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/13/man-uses-chainsaw-to-cut-phallus-off-maori-carving-in-order-to-please-god/ --- This Week in Misogyny: P-Robes warns god will punish us for abortion with leprosy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/09/pat-robertson-because-of-legal-abortion-god-will-punish-us-with-leprosy/

Warning, before the sentence is even over, I'll have said fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by Stamps.biz, the shell company I started to initiate a bidding war with Stamps.com for scathing atheist sponsorship. Stamps.biz, your move, fuckers. And now, the scathing atheist Dad, I'm worried that I'm not fitting in at your company Worldwide pun Come here and look at this photo See that guy at the old company Halloween party?

The one in the monkey suit? Yeah, that's Phil, a co-founder He was a top-down kind of guy But he left the company because we wanted to be employee-focused There's no I in team, Wes. You get what I'm saying? No. We did, in fact, evolve. From Phil the Monkey Man? You know,

no one likes puns, Dad. It's Thursday. It's September 19th. And it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Boy, this immense poverty in my home country of Senegal sure has forced me into murder and theft a lot. Yep, nailed it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright, and from Stedman, Oprah's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Chicago worshipers will shale Mary. We'll talk about the classic riddle

of the Christian, the chainsaw, and the penis crossing the river. And we'll encourage kids to fuck vegetables the right way. But first, the diatribe. This Saturday afternoon, I'm going to be attending the Kentucky Free Thought Convention in Lexington, Kentucky, and I'll be watching Heath give a talk about how to win Thanksgiving against your racist uncle. That should be fun. But unfortunately, it means I'm going to have to miss the roving band of prayer warriors

that are slated to lurk the streets of my hometown that day so yeah that's a real thing welcome to fucking georgia my wife comes across this the other day on a neighborhood facebook page and it starts with this lady going like hey if you see big groups of people out in front of your house uttering magic spells to an invisible wizard don't call the cops on us and then she follows it up with an excerpt from her church bulletin that reads in part, quote, At 10 a.m., we are asking that you meet us right here at such and such a church where we will break out into groups and go throughout the city of Waycross to pray. We know prayer is powerful, and we are expecting God to do some incredible and amazing things over the next six months as we pray over our city.

So, you know, I got all these incredible and amazing things to look forward to when I get home, and that's nice. I mean, can you even imagine a more worthless use of volunteer labor? I want you guys to go out and feed the hungry or find people working outside, offer them a Gatorade or pick up some garbage or hell, lay down some garbage, right? At least then there'd be a sign you were there. You'd be justifying some municipal employee's job maybe. But no, you guys are going to get together, walk around and arrogantly wish. And you're not even going to wish for good shit, right? Just vaguely good stuff.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I've lived in this town on and off since I was a kid and expecting good things to happen here over any time span isn't exactly playing the odds but you'd still think they could manage a goal a tad less ambiguous right i mean maybe pray for more jobs lower rates of cancer deaths a single fucking day with a high temperature doesn't crack 90 but no they're going with amazing things so that six months from now when no appreciable difference has been made by their efforts, somebody can point to a rainbow and say, look, y'all, God heard us. I mean, they're all but admitting they don't believe in this shit right there in the church bullet. And aren't they?

Here's the sentence, right? They go, we know prayer is powerful and we are expecting God to do some incredible and amazing things. But but if you knew that prayer was powerful, you wouldn't say that, right? When somebody says, I believe what I'm telling you right now, you can go ahead and assume they don't. Nobody's ever said, yeah, I can give you a ride. We all know that internal combustion engines are based on sound physics, so I'll be there in 15 minutes, right? Because when you know things are true, they're just baked right into the language but not so with religion damn it and of course this is hardly unique to christians i noticed

this same bullshit back when i was in all the neo-pagan stuff too once in a while i get invited to these big congregations at communes where like several covens would be coming together to do a big spell and the goal of these spells were always every bit as vague and banal as the goals of waycross's prayer warriors they'd be doing a spell to push the world closer to peace or to see deeply into our inner selves or whatever never to make this die roll a 633 percent of the time mind you of course when you claim to have magic powers or a bat phone to somebody who does once in a while you're going to be called upon to actually use your magic powers to do a specific and quantifiable thing. Like at some point, one of the numbnuts who signed up to be a wandering prayer warrior this weekend is going to have a medical problem or their spouse will or their kid will.

And then they're going to turn to whoever organized this nonsense and ask them to use that magic for them. organize this nonsense and ask them to use that magic for them. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, all those preambles about how powerful they know prayer is are going to start to just melt away. And in their place, you're going to find warnings about how, well, you know, God does have a plan where you'll hear caveats sneaking into the prayers themselves. They'll start like, Lord, if it is in your will. Right. And of course, invariably, when the goal of the prayer is measurable, the prayer fails. And everybody knows that going in, which is why they don't pray for measurable shit. It's also why nobody's all that shocked when a kid everybody was praying for dies anyway. I mean, sure, there are people who actually think the prayer is going to work, but they're

few and far between. Most people watch it fail over and over again as they pray over their doomed loved ones or their daughter's relationship or their son's job prospects or their own finances. And despite its unblemished track record of failure, they play along when somebody at church suggests they go around and pray for the town every weekend for the next six months. I mean, I get that this is mostly just a social thing, right? It's like board game night, but for people even more boring than me. It's an excuse to get together with your friends from church, get in a healthy walk, maybe grab some lunch. And in that sense, great, have fun, do it. But the critical difference is that when me and my buddies get

together to play board games, we're perfectly aware that we're engaged in an entirely self-indulgent act. And when some good happens in our town five months later, none of us are going to pat each other on the back and then claim credit for it because we kicked so much ass at pandemic in September. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the bebop and rocksteady to Mike Krang, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to reinforce harmful racial stereotypes in a manner so blatant it's hard to believe We didn't notice it at the time Yeah, well, it was confusing

Because they were part of the Klan Oh no, good point, yeah Foot Klan Maybe they were undercover, like reverse Black Klansmen I think it's just that would be regular Black Klansmen Was it, they're trying to be positive?

Bebop's good music, Rocksteady's good Jamaican stylestyle thing. In our lead story tonight, Missouri State Attorney General Eric Schmidt announced on Friday that his office would be referring 12 Catholic priests for prosecution after an extensive investigation of the list of unprosecuted pedophiles the local Catholic diocese had laying around. And while 12 might not seem like many compared to the scope of the problem, and considering that the list had 163 names on it. What? Yeah, it's only the first recommendation to come from the nationwide renewal of these investigations stemming from the explosive Pennsylvania grand jury report. So we can hold out legitimate hope that there's a lot more where this one came from.

Okay. hope that there's a lot more where this one came from okay uh hey new rule if you have something called list of unprosecuted pedophiles catholicism is illegal there you go especially if that list is exactly the same as your staff roster that's what you're doing right they just hands him the yearbook or something wait a minute all right so this all started when the missouri ag called up catholicism and said hey you know uh you know if you have a list of known child rapists you you have to give it to us right to which catholicism said what really no and then they reluctantly handed over the list but in instance, they accidentally left on the name of a few guys who weren't dead and whose crimes hadn't passed the statute of limitations. And that's when Schmidt hit the phone and referred a dozen of these priests for prosecution.

Which means the Catholic Church is paying a PR team that had to pick that number. Yeah. And they explained like, OK, it'll only be 12 guys getting prosecuted out of 163 that is the positive spin angle we came up with who said 20 we need room to negotiate people come on yeah right right yeah just keep in mind that 12 is where they landed yeah i don't think they knew whether that would be a better denominator or numerator even like all right so and look this is an important step but before we heap too much praise on schmidt here i should point out that he's not calling for the prosecution of the church higher-ups that had said list of 163 known sexual

assaulters and had to be asked to turn it over the documents they voluntarily submitted are absolute proof they were aware of the crimes because they submitted them they they they told you about those crimes indirectly after some cajoling right years later and these are people who according to the press conference where schmidt announced these referrals refuse to acknowledge reports of abuse and reassign predator priests without informing law enforcement or parishioners. Hey, okay, one more new rule. If someone hands you a list of unprosecuted pedophiles, you're looking at an unprosecuted pedophile helper or actual pedophile.

That person goes on the list. Yeah, it's just like you bring him in and you're like, cool, and I'm just going to need you to sign here at the bottom right there. Wait, now, hold on. Wouldn't I be adding myself to the list? Yes, that is what that would be doing. Right. Yes.

All right. So for their part, the Missouri Archdiocese was quick to give themselves a big pat on the back for how transparent and cooperative they've been about how opaque and uncooperative they've been. They reminded reporters that they've been fully cooperative in this investigation, a claim that's backed up by the fact that they said so. That's literally it. Right. We know we have all the records because they promised. And what are the odds that they'd be lying about them lying? That would make it circle around to being true again anyway, wouldn't it? Anyway, point is that even without subpoenaing anything or prosecuting all of the felonies they came across, the Catholic AG still had to admit that this dozen kitty fuckers should probably get belatedly punished. And in shale Mary news tonight. Lazy reused thing from the intro. Keith, when you hit gold, you hit gold.

Yeah. What does that mean? But when you wise shale Mary, when you you spend gold you have to go find more open another credit card to pay off that one yeah so it's not often that we get to talk about the wacky fun side of christianity on this show all too often we have to report about the child rape and the nazi gold and the covering up of child rape with nazi gold but once in a while a story comes across our desk that wins our hearts right back to the big old beast on the hill people thinking statues and paintings are magic okay well as a post-modernist i'd say it's all

about the intent of the artist to be magical Keith gets art now now regular listeners to our show will be familiar with stories like the one I'm about to tell you in the past like the time the tears of a statue turned out to be raw sewage or the time bleeding wafers turned out to be rotten well move over poop

and bacteria because Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church has a painting of the Virgin Mary that is crying healing oils. Oh, that's right. What? Shale. According to ABC News, the church faces foreclosure. That's how shale came in?

Yeah, because of oils. Thank you. Oil. Yeah. Anyways, the church faces foreclosure and was due to go into bankruptcy last week. And wouldn't you know it, the caretaker and, you know, guy who would lose his job when the church closed, saw what looked like tears pouring from the Virgin Mary's eyes. Oh, OK.

So the oils, they heal your balance sheet. Yes. She's crying death healing oil money. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Yes. She's crying death healing oil. Money. She's weeping money. Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Wait. Is this the mystery of how oil is coming from this oil painting?

Yep. Yes, it is. Oh, God. So, according to Father Nick. This is way better than aphid shit. Yeah. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. Yeah.

So, according to Father Nick Jonas, who is just so inconveniently named, quote, there's something she's trying to tell us. So we're just going to seal our lips and listen to what she has to say. I can't explain why she is tearing, but I do know as human beings, we are usually crying for two reasons either joy or sorrow i love that he's at least leaving open the possibility that this painting is really fired up to get out of that shithole church it could be could be she's happy we're closing down all the kid rape and shit did you guys hear the lead story so where the story is convincing is that you know what it's time for little old ladies hit it morgan when you church a mosque a synagogue and you're feeling strapped for cash

just pretend some stuff is magic and you'll be swamped in little old lady ass. The generations and sometimes culture denied them an education. So tell them something's a miracle and there'll be a financial probation. Little old ladies, little old ladies, little old ladies. Morgan, I'll give you a dollar if you don't put any music at all behind that. I'm sorry, Eli. What does... Just do the my daughter's in there thing. What does the word probation mean to you, Eli?

Yeah, what the fuck is that? Don't get me wrong. I get that there are only 113 common three-syllable English words that rhyme with education. So you're working from a little bit of a limited set, but still. Salvation, maybe? Your financial... Salvation, maybe? Your financial salvation? Well, if you want me to stop improvising songs in the middle of our show, no. Anyways, little old ladies.

But you wrote that. Yeah, I did. I'm pulling two days. Anyways, little old ladies from around the nation have flocked to church to benefit from what they hope are the healing powers of the oily smudges on the paintings. They don't have to put a strain on their already overtaxed bodies in desperate hope of healing themselves or their loved ones. So just normal church, but like a little further away but with oil with oil yeah all right next up in headlines we have a story about donald trump and the magical powers of aryan blood so many of you might be wondering, and rightfully so, whether the president of the United States has been performing Christian eugenics themed blood rights at the White House in order to protect the executive branch against the evil spirits of miscegenated America.

Sadly, I have not been wondering that. Well, OK, you should have been. And the answer is, yes, he has. It was a pretty safe assumption but now we can all be sure yeah well that's the thing is it didn't really rise to the level of wondering assuming it was the right right term yeah confirmation of your very valid assumption yeah donald trump in point of fact has a christian eugenics themed blood spell guy, or it's a gal in this case. And she recently consecrated the White House with some white powers. And we should point out, it's not even like top 50 weirdest things that have happened

in his presidency, right? Like, say what you will about Trump, but the dude is, he's like 33 books worth of presidents and that's just so far yeah according to trump's official faith advisor and official botox barbie action figure paula white according to paula white she went to the white house she got an official security clearance from the real secret service because this is serious and then she cast some magic spells and i really wasn't exaggerating about the eugenics part during a recent sermon she told the audience about her white house visit and she said quote

you better believe i walked around those parameters. What? Sick. I think she was going for perimeters, but it's still a weird way to say that. Maybe she meant probation. Okay. That's closer. I was walking around those parameters saying, I lift this up and I dedicate every ounce of this place as holy ground. I lift this up and I dedicate every ounce of this place as holy ground. And I dedicate it by the superior blood of Jesus Christ. Really?

End quote. Superior. I mean, just want to say, I know a guy who can arrange a taste test. If she wants to put this down, her thing. And during that same sermon, Paula White said a couple other things that were even dumber, actually, against all odds. First of all, she claimed that universal health care and public education would, quote, destroy the black community. And it's weird that she's worried about that. Just moments before this, she explained how she canceled all the powers of the black community with the pure white blood

of Jesus Christ. So that's a weird comment. Well, I'm also curious how she transitioned between those two topics, right? It feels like it wouldn't be super smooth, that transition. New sentence now.

Yeah. Health care for some and several kids left behind. That's your rally in Cry Christianity. That's what you sound like. Only with LGBT slurs in there. With slurs.

Yeah. Slurs. And here's my favorite part. And I must admit, Paula White, she knows how to build a story. She started with Nazi Jesus blood and managed to ramp it up from there. with Nazi Jesus blood and managed to ramp it up from there. After that, followed by the destruction

of the black community via schools and medicine, she made the natural segue into California public schools teaching eight-year-olds how to safely fuck a vegetable. I love this. At least that's what she thinks is happening.

Yes, she does. She thinks that's what's happening when kids are taught about condoms. Starting in third grade is also apparently what she thinks. According to Paula White, quote, right now, we're fighting in California. In third grade, in fifth grade, they put certain things on certain vegetables. She's talking about condoms. they put certain things on certain vegetables she's talking about condoms they put certain things on certain vegetables and teach them how to insert those things into certain parts of the anatomy okay yeah that's amazing that's amazing for so many reasons just one of which is that

paula white thinks that things people put condoms on are what they put inside their body yeah right just walk there are those kids being taught to perform oral sex on bananas that's that's the cafeteria mrs white mrs white calm down come on look at that little one on the end jesus yeah she that's what she's well yeah she's gonna she's gonna blow that banana yeah so again just to be perfectly clear this is an advisor to the president of the United States. She's allowed in the White House. We know that. And this is how she thinks the sex ed curriculum works in public schools.

They're learning not just like how to put condoms on in third grade. They're learning how to insert. condoms on in third grade. They're learning how to insert vegetables. She thinks eight-year-olds are being like, alright, so I got the condom on, Mrs. D. So, how do you get the parsnip

in there? And then the teachers are like, oh, you shove it, little Billy. You shove it right in there. The verb is shove. Cram it. Alright, well, since our sponsors never thought to ask not to be introduced with a You shove it right in there. The verb is shove. Cram it. All right. Well, since our sponsors never thought to ask not to be introduced with a vegetable fucking joke, we're going to pause and shove in a word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Just make your policy clear.

Thank you. And we'll follow it. Exactly. Okay. Like 14 degrees to the north. Okay. Do you mean up? What?

No. No. I mean north. Okay, do you mean up? What? No. No. I mean north. Hey guys, why is there a cannon sticking out of Eli's window again? We talked about this. Mr. McPherson signed the truce and everything. No, no, this is different. Keith and I are sending our stuff

to the post office. Alright, I'm going to regret asking this, but why don't you just take it there see i told you he was gonna say that well sure but we it's a huge hassle i mean come on you gotta park you gotta wait in line who has the time so instead you purchased and installed a second cannon no this is the same cannon yeah see it, it still has the swan blood on it. Same. That's that's true.

OK, but if you want to skip the hassle of the post office, why don't you just try stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. post office right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Wait, like from home? From home, from your desk, wherever you need the post office. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail's ready, just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's that simple.

Yeah, I guess. Plus, you don't have to buy gunpowder. Yeah, right. No, you don't have to buy gunpowder. Right now, in fact, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitments. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. Stamps.com, less gunfire, more shipping.

Yeah, I think you're going to pass on that tagline. Well, they shouldn't. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's your slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This week in Misogyny. One of the annoying facts that frustrate the hell out of abortion opponents is how much safer abortion is than the alternative. I mean, abortions are safe compared to just general medical procedure, but they're an order of magnitude safer than pregnancy. And that fucks up a bunch of the arguments they'd like to make. Of course, one increasingly popular tactic to deal with this inconvenient truth is to make abortion less safe. All these bullshit waiting periods and expanded standards for abortion providers tackle the problem from that direction. But a far more expedient method is just lying. And we see this a ton. People constantly say that abortion causes depression. They say it's dangerous.

They say it increases the risk you won't be able to have children in the future. None of that is true, of course. But interestingly enough, it is all true about pregnancy. But apparently their old scare tactics just weren't doing the trick. So our old friend P-Robes decided to try out a new one last week. See, the problems with the old lies were that A, they weren't extreme enough, and B, they only affected the woman getting the abortion. Well, he killed both of those birds with a single stone when he claimed that abortion caused outbreaks of leprosy. The quote is amazing. He says, quote,

we have launched a program of destroying the lives of young children. You know, during abortion, even after abortion, they would be killed. I guess sometimes abortion doctors murder the ones that got away for spite. Continuing, and I wonder if holy God is going to do something. And one way he does it is through plague. We have learned that something is happening in Los Angeles, an emergence of leprosy. Leprosy, ladies and gentlemen, in the United States of America, end quote.

So there you have it, folks. After nearly 50 years of legal abortion, God is finally getting off of his ass and doing something about it. He's gonna smite random poor people in LA with an entirely treatable disease that hasn't been a serious concern since the 1940s. That'll show us.

Anyway, hate to stick you with just the one story after being off last week, but I spent most of the week laughing at the thought of Pat Robertson looking for leper colonies on Google Maps. So that's the only one I had time for. I'll have more next week, but until then, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in vagabondage news tonight, we have the most fucked up story we have covered on this show since last week

when the vice principal guy demanded that a trans boy show him a penis or get the fuck out of the bathroom. But given our line of work, though, that's still pretty competitive, even if it's only a seven-day period, which I think is evidenced

by the fact that we've done 344 of these in a row every week without a headline segment where we said, nope, they were on their best behavior this week. They nailed it, guys. We got nothing. Yeah. Not yet and not anytime soon. sentences forced them to labor on behalf of the church for no pay robbed them of their freedom of thought held them captive with threats and exploited them mercilessly for the financial gain of the church leaders because this time apparently they did all of that in an illegal way

oh okay i was gonna say no way you're going broad are there mormon scientologists now did they like team up that's how the story plays, yeah. Oh no, their new book is just the words, you are not holding a book over and over again. Seems like it. So, the story comes from a recently unsealed indictment against 12 leaders of the Imperial Valley

Ministries in El Centro, California and apparently their M.O. was to invite homeless people in with the promise of a warm bed and a hot meal just so long as they signed a contract agreeing to abide by certain church rules. You know, sensible rules like never reading anything but the Bible, surrendering your ID and all your money, never leaving the church without a chaperone, giving the church your SNAP benefits so they can sell them to other people,

panhandling for nine hours a day, six days a week, then turning all the money over to the church, that kind of thing. Made them into podcasters. Yeah, right. It's a matter of scale, right? This becomes illegal somewhere between 10% and 100. I don't. And somewhere between the 12th Amendment and the 14th. Well, yeah, right.

That one too. Pre-refra. To be fair, though, they did get to meet Alec Baldwin when he came in to give that speech about coffee being for closers so that was cool that was a fun day all right so i know that my whole shtick here relies on the idea that this is just normal church stuff cranked up to 11 but let me be clear that i'm not trying to diminish at all how fucked up this was right many of the alleged victims said that they were held against their will at treatment homes whether or not they were addicted to anything, and that church leaders threatened to take their children away if they didn't cooperate. But when the U.S. attorney has

quotes like, the indictment alleges an appalling abuse of power by church officials who preyed on vulnerable homeless people with promises of a warm bed and meals, followed immediately by quotes like, these victims were held captive, stripped of their humble financial means their identification their freedom and their dignity it's hard not to frame this as just a matter of degree in it though and in make america before again news tonight many of you may be aware that selena gomez received quite a bit of press last month for wearing a necklace on a television appearance that says 1973 to celebrate the year Roe vs. Wade was passed.

Well, it turns out that those necklaces are actually all of the proceeds from their sale goes to abortion providers, which is pretty cool. But you know what that means it's time for... What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out that's

right christians lost their goddamn minds and now have a necklace of their very own that i could not make this up says 1972 alabama 2019 yeah because you know it was before Roe versus Wade in 1972. It says so much about these people. They've been losing for so long that they long for the halcyon days of just being on the cusp of losing, right? Yeah. So a couple of fun things about this story. First up, the company that makes the necklace is called COL 1972, which stands for Culture of Life 1972. But the necklaces themselves are manufactured by a company called Christian Bling, which I am not making this up, is a pyramid scheme.

Sorry, multi-level marketing opportunity based around Christian themed jewelry. Wow. Christian multi-level marketing, a pyramid scheme based on a pyramid scheme. That's jewelry. Wow. Christian multi-level marketing. A pyramid scheme based on a pyramid scheme. That's awesome. Okay. And here's the piece de resistance, if you will. No.

COL 1972 has got themselves a brand ambassador. Liar who lies and basis for the movie Unplanned, Abby Johnson. Oh, so the fucking MyPillow guy probably does have one. That's right. It's 2019. Donald Trump is president. We have babies in cages.

And Abby Johnson is the spokesman for an anti-choice pyramid scheme around Christian jewelry. Seriously, all we need is mandatory zip lining and we'll have all the proof we need that this world is actually a computer simulation based on evil things mad lib. Why do you dislike zip lining? I will never speak about it on air. You know what happened. It's evil.

I don't want to talk about it. Evil? I mean, you've been banned from so many different facilities that aren't zip lining related. I don't see how that's... I will never speak of it on air. Okay. And finally tonight,

we have a story about a Christian man chopping off a penis with a chainsaw, just like God intended. And I feel like that can be the beginning and the end of the story. Like, regardless of context, Christianity shouldn't be allowed anymore, right anymore right like can we call it a day i mean that does it for me you guys want to get tacos i'll tell you my story like don't encourage

him or distract him with the promise of tacos you know he wants fucking tacos he doesn't want tacos okay so not what kind of taco we're fish tacos okay i had i hadn. I had one of those yesterday. Okay. So not that it matters, but here's the specific details of how a guy chopped off a penis with the chainsaw to appease the God of the Bible. Again, I feel like it shouldn't matter, but here's the details. So Milton Wainwright, a New Zealand man who has completely taken over for the Florida man from now on. That's his meme now. He noticed a wooden Maori sculpture on the walking path at the Manawatu Gorge Reserve. And the sculpture depicted a member of the indigenous Maori tribe, including a visible penis, as is tradition.

And apparently he watched a bunch of kids touching the penis so already you're the bad guy like what what the fuck is happening in your life that you're observing a large flow of children playing with a Maori penis this is a new problem you're gonna make it a somebody else problem all right we have more kids and then I go get my chainsaw. Yeah. They're thinking like, man, well, I've been seeing this statue's penis long enough to work myself into a leather facey and rage. Several children have touched it. That's an unhealthy level of obsession by those kids.

So, yeah, Mr. Wainwright freaks out about this and he lodges a formal complaint with the people in charge of the reserve and they tell him, you're stupid. We're only responding because it's become very clear to us that your plan to chop off the penis with the chainsaw. Do not do that. Also, stop lurking on our walking path and watching kids touch the penis that's weird so wainwright responds by having florida man hold his beer and he proceeds to chop off the sculpture's penis with a chainsaw just finishes there nice calm response to the human body i taught these kids a valuable lesson today that is what he said in his stupid face what he had to carry the chainsaw all the way which means

by the way side note as this diesel powered circumcision began one or several people very likely thought to themselves oh good he's just going after the statue's dick. Yeah. So, Wainwright got convicted of vandalism, so that's good. He got ordered to pay a fine. Hopefully, the fine was large enough to pay for the sculptor to create a new piece. And hopefully, the new piece has a much bigger

penis for spite. Look, if they agree to let me run the GoFundMe, we can inverse this shit. We'll get a 50-foot veiny dick with a teeny tiny Maori hanging off of it. All right. Well, quick before Eli commits company funds to commissioning that,

we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Put your dick in a fish. No, no, no. We're not going to do that one. And when we come back, well, all you did say was put your dick in a fish. Like, it's going to be worse if you add taco.

Taco? Nope, it's too late now. You said put your dick in a fish. You get to sue Heath if you do that and it hurts you. Put your dick in the president's filet of fish. There you go. And when we come back, Heath will take his dick out of that fish. Taco. taco now i'm telling you man you gotta come over i got got a huge surround sound setup

you have not experienced fast and the furious until you've watched it in 4k what's your wednesday like what are you doing on wednesday oh it's your wednesday uh wednesday i i have on wednesday a has this ever happened to you wait who are you who just started struggling to find an excuse in the moment okay whatever um i am so that's relevant well then, then why not try Excuse Me? What's Excuse Me? It's a free app that uses your pre-recorded voice to give you the excuse you need when you need it. Let's try that again. Seriously, dude, what's your Wednesday like? Ooh, I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Sorry.

Whoa, how'd you say that without your lips moving? Oh, yeah. Well, that's what I'm hoping the doctor is going to be able to tell me. With Excuse Me, you can get out of everything from bridal showers to jury duty. Mr. Enright, why do you need to be excused? Oh, because I'm a pedophile. Dismissed. Wait, what?

Excuse me. You make the mistake. We'll make the excuses. I'm not a pedophile. Sure. For years, we've made a regular habit of highlighting some of the worst efforts at filmmaking in the history of celluloid. And yet somehow we've never tapped into the treasure trove that is Sid Davis Productions. So for those of you who aren't familiar, Sid Davis was the jack chick of over-the-top scare films for kids. You want a movie where the violations of a relatively minor social taboo lead to a child

falling off a cliff? You want Sid Davis. You want a dangers of scrapbooking movie that literally includes a girl impaling herself in the face because she ran with scissors? Sid Davis is your guy. Yes. No, yes, really. And today he'll be making his long overdue debut on God Awful Minis.

How did we not do the scissor stab in the face one? It's coming. It's coming, man. It's not Chris. You find a connection. Just dub over it. Jesus. Great.

It's on the game episode. All right. So tell us, Heath. We didn't do the scissor one we actually did even better though like uh what will we be breaking down today better sure we'll say better um we watched boys beware what's it the story of heath tell us what it's the story it's the story of. It's the story of, it's a cautionary tale, actually, about the responsible way for young boys to hitchhike with sexual predators. Sorry, sorry, with homosexuals. I said sexual predators.

I meant with homosexuals. Right, those are going to be synonyms for the purpose of this movie. They will make those literally synonyms. It's terrifying. And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you love the movies they showed you in Driver's Ed, but you wish they'd been about your teacher's deepest inside thoughts, you will love this movie.

And by the way, Sid Davis also made those movies you saw in Driver's Ed. He also made Blood on the Rain. It's just a bad sign. If you're in an analogy with Jack Chick, if you're like the Jack Chick of anything, there's nothing good there. Alright, so the movie starts out and I gotta say okay, the guy holding the camera during

this produced in cooperation with the Englewood Police Department thing, that guy was getting blown at the time, right? Something like that. I said, tells you a lot about the audience based on how long they leave the titles on these bad boys. They were not expecting fast readers. I can tell you that, right?

No. And that tripod was definitely nervous about something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, it was getting blown and I was afraid it was going to get caught. Yeah. All right. So we open in a police department

where a guy's going to walk to his car for a good 30% of this movie. Yeah. We get like a 15-minute establishing shot to show us this guy walking to his car. Like people were freaking out. How'd this guy ever get from the building to the car? Oh, walking.

Okay, got it. Right, right. Got it. He's there. Yeah. So this is Lieutenant Williams. He's on the way to a high school to give a lecture so this video which was primarily played during lectures at high school

is about a guy who's on his way to give a lecture at a fucking high school oh and i i was so hoping i would google this and find out that it always ended with that guy walking through the door and being like, oh, hello, kids. How'd you enjoy the movie? Yeah, right. Homos. Yeah, right, right. So the narrator goes, he drives by a group of hitchhiking kids. Like a row of 35 kids doing normal hitchhiking.

Yeah, right, right. No, they're each taking turns. Yeah. And the narrator goes like, ah, hitchhiking yeah right right no they're each taking turns yeah and the narrator goes like ah hitchhiking it seems fun until you get raped in the ass by a gay well and again he's not like hitchhiking's a bad idea he's like hitchhiking's a bad idea should you run into the wild homosexual yeah yeah yeah so okay so we're going to introduce our first case study, Jimmy Barnes, the naive hitchhiking boy. Yeah. He was just having a normal afternoon of getting into a

fast moving metal cage with a stranger, but normal kind, normal kind. It was fine at first. And this stranger seemed real friendly. Asked Jimmy if he could fit his mouth around a Coke can, asked him how his school was. It was great. Asked Jimmy if he could fit his mouth around a Coke can. Asked him how his school was. It was great. Normal conversation with a heavy breathing man with aviator sunglasses and a Hitler mustache. Holy shit, this guy.

They might as well put a hair on his palms and dressed him in nothing but a trench coat. He is terrifying. It's like Jeffrey Daher in a groucho marx mustache yeah right yeah exactly it'll be fine also is it just me or did we get a bizarre amount of detail about their baseball schedule during from the narrator he's the kids just like yeah we play every week against our rival gang of scalawags the south side ethnic slurs yeah have a freshers gross and then the narrator they they pull up to the kid's house and the narrator's like and then you know the driver made the normal amount of physical contact for no reason as jimmy left and it was no problem at all he says he gave him a friendly pat you know those totally normal friendly pets you give strange

children yeah yeah exactly but nothing happened that day he says he just told jimmy well that was fun and everything and i drive this way often maybe i can ride you against i give you a ride again sometime this this is a molesting long con yeah exactly exactly he likes to romance him a little so the next day jimmy's walking home to the omnipresent soundtrack of cialis commercial that follows him around and the pedophile is there waiting for him in the passenger seat for some reason. Yeah. If the guy's waiting in the passenger seat of his own car just to get a closer look at the park that he's next to just staring at kids, maybe don't get in the car. Yeah, that would help. Or regardless of where he's sitting. Let me be more clear.

Don't get in the car. Yeah. of where he's sitting let me be more clear don't get in the car yeah well as we learned from this film the problem was that in 1961 children were cartoon mice and pedophiles were just like big pies they just wafted through the air yeah exactly yeah and the way they're describing it in 1961 apparently every town has a few of these guys and they're just like ah you scamp and like parents don't really care they're just like come on you didn't get in a car with Ralph the pedophile did you

that's Boo Radley and Dolphus Raymond they turn out to be good guys alright so Jimmy gets another ride with Ralph the homosexual but this time Ralph buys him a coke and tells him some bawdy jokes. And then they have a little falling in love montage, right?

Where they go fishing and they have a picnic and they look at pornographic pictures together. Okay, this is just dating. I'm assuming this child is a minor, so no. But it's absolutely just dating so far. Yep. And okay, here's an actual quote from this is where we get the turn, right? The narrator says, what Jimmy didn't know is that Ralph was sick, a sickness that was not visible like smallpox. Now, I'm not going to completely overlook the tsunami of bigotry in that,

but I just, hey, Annie Vaxxer, 60 years ago, that was the go-to example of visible sickness. Just want to throw that out there, worth noting. But yeah, then he goes on to say, you see, Ralph was a homosexual. Yeah, being gay is like invisible smallpox is what this movie is saying. Yep. Yeah, that's what they're saying. He even says that it's contagious.

He uses the word contagious. Yeah. You know what? Being Christian is like audible smallpox. If you talk. Fuck. Fun fact about if, if you catch gayness,

you were. Yep. That's a fun fact. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Really quick. Can we circle back to the

baseball cards of porn that were presented sure to this child was that a thing oh yeah no like the stats were awesome on those that stats on the back yeah yeah no you had to collect them all yeah the bazooka joe bubblegum cartoons, though, very upsetting. Let me tell you. Led the league in gay fucking in 1958. Look at that. All right. And then, oh, by the way, we get our definition of a homosexual at this point, too. Here it is.

Noun. A person who demands an intimate relationship with members of their own sex. What did we say? Demands. Demands seems like a strong term. That. What did we say? Demands. Demands seems like a strong term. That's the word they used. Demands. Demands to fuck every person that they get near of their gender. It's like being a heterosexual man in 1961,

except with other dudes. Yes. Well, exactly. Right. Downright immoral. Yeah. Yeah. No, my original joke was, you know,

like heterosexual people demand to have intimate relationships. And then I'm like, right. No, 1961. Downright immoral. Yeah, no, my original joke was, you know, like heterosexual people demand to have intimate relationships, and then I'm like, right, no, 1961, right. That probably is the word. But yeah, but Ralph and Jimmy sure did have a lot of fun together, playing mini golf, getting presents, checking into seedy motels, apparently. That's fine. And this is where the narrator lets us know that, like, Jimmy should have told his parents

when they went mini-golfing on their third date, and I was like, oh, is that right? No, I was thinking the first time he put you into his car as a stranger. Maybe. Yeah, that could have done it. Maybe after the friendly pat. No, he's cool. He was showing me

the gay porn on the baseball cards but also mini golf a few times coke some nice fishing a soda pop picturing him sitting in like a 1961 living room yeah yeah he showed you cards and what else son well we went mini golfing son of a bitch get away from my boy well but luckily for us that's how it worked out jimmy told his parents before it was too late and jimmy had caught the gay and then it says ralph was arrested and released on probation now don't get me wrong i know he showed him like pictures of boobs or something that's probably not legal and i'm i'm glad ralph was was dissuaded from but what was he arrested for well they said they said jimmy was released on i was

gonna say that yeah the kid was released yeah yeah really ralph so ralph got prosecuted and jimmy was released on probation for you know from the he was wearing those very provocative low-top sneakers so probation for him wait so wait da cut him a deal for narking on the the other perp are we supposed to think though then that they had gay sex and the kid was arrested for gay sex that's what i assumed from oh my fucking jesus this is worse than i thought how is this worse than i thought sid feels worse than you thought. Sid Davis, please. Sid Davis. Sid feels too. But the narrator warns us, though, that not all homosexuals are passive. Some of them don't even buy you a Coke.

Okay. The term is bottom. Sid Davis. The term is bottom. All right. So now we meet our second case study, Mike Merrick. And word of warning, his homosexual is

violent. Yes. However, his homosexual is also dressed in a tuxedo. Yeah! With a bow tie. Bow tie, playing basketball with the kids. Alright, so we watch these, we watch a bunch of kids play basketball

in the sense that there are a bunch of kids in a basketball anyway. They're all standing directly under the hoop, shooting like upwards through the hoop itself. And missing. And missing. Okay, were they even

playing the competitive game of basketball though? No! Okay, so in 1961 was there competitive game of basketball, though? Okay, so in 1961, was there a game called cooperative basketball? Because that's what they're clearly playing. If you told me that from like 1955 until 1972, white people thought basketball was like trying to get it stuck in the hoop so it stayed there, this scene would make sense. We're going to need all 10 of us to all try the same thing to make this happen every once in a while. I swear, this movie may have set

the record for the most missed basketball shots in two minutes on film or otherwise, right? Because his friends leave and Mike sticks around and then the pedophile comes to play basketball with him. And we watch these two guys just miss shot after shot after shot.

Not even hard ones, right? Yeah. And it's such a long take because of it. Because it's obvious they were like, all right, let's see you make a few. But remember, you're playing a homosexual. So they miss 22 shots in a row. And then it just sort of fades out like, well, ran out of film and national budget. They actually had to transition from trying to

shoot they were like all right well this is going really badly you want to practice some crisp two hand chest passing right yeah just passing the ball from two feet away from each other for a little bit i'm surprised they didn't miss that yeah so then they they wander off mike is going to catch a ride home with the pedophile and then the narrator says this is the actual line the narrator says mike probably never realized until too late that he was riding in the shadow of death he says it like he's trying to sneak it in on you the narrator's like turns out he was riding in the shadow of death the car was was very nice. It was a very nice

car that they got into. Skipping right over. And the kid's just like, loo, loo, loo, riding in the shadow of death stuff. Yeah. I just love that the narrator said the kid probably didn't realize this until it was too late. He's holding out the possibility that the kid was into it, right?

Kid gets in the car, God, I hope this kills me. Yeah, right yeah right 1961 it's gonna fucking suck all right so now we move on to yet another uh test subject i thought we were in for a double gaying but we're not so we meet denny and jerry who are just innocently prepping their paper route and apparently their pedophile has a whole con going, right? Like, cause he has a whole thing where he pulls up and he's like, did you see those two boys on those bicycles? Those bicycles are stolen.

Jump in the car and ride with me so that we can have a high speed chase or whatever. I need a boy for this arrest. Do you think the kids were in on it that were riding the bikes ahead? Are they part of the scam? Or does he just find two bikes and follow them? Yeah, I feel like because otherwise he already had two kids, right? So why would he use two kids to get one?

If you're using fish to bait fish, you can just eat fish. Maybe they were his kids. Okay. All right. Yeah. Like it's the hills have eyes type situation. Yeah. Okay.

Sure. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So this scam makes no fucking sense. But the kid gets in the hills have eyes type. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So this scam makes no fucking sense, but the kid gets in the car with him. So apparently it works. But his friend is a little too savvy for that. He's just savvy enough to write down the license plate number of the car, but not savvy enough

to say, hey, Denny, don't get in that fucking car. You're going to get raped to death. That's the advice he got from his parents. You hear him in his head. He's like, my parents told me for friends getting in a car with a random dude, always write down the license plate. Don't stop your friend. No, it'll be a cock block. Make sure we catch the murderer later with that license.

Yeah. Yeah. And by the way way after this all happens jerry just goes on his fucking paper route he's like well if he gets murdered right that's the long damn job's a job i gotta earn that nickel exactly i'd probably tell mrs henderson but she's like she's like 12th on the route yeah i'll get her i'll get her when i come around yeah which is exactly what he does he eventually delivers the paper to Denny's mom, and he's like, hey, did Denny ever show up with that pedophile

and the stolen bike? And the mom's like, no, maybe we should... And by the way, even mom is like weirdly fucking calm about this. Right? Oh, no, not another pedophile. Just the other day, Jimmy followed a trail of pennies into the men's room. I know

what to do. I've got the police on speed dial. Yes, officer. It's me. Yes, Denny again. I know. I know. What can I say? Will you check for a soda, though?

I could use a soda. Oh, yeah. But moral of the story, you only let random strangers take your friend if they have a license plate. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now that you're terrified of the gays, you're probably wondering where they like to lurk.

Well, luckily, this next scene has you covered. It's public restrooms. You see, that's where you'll find the gays. They just love the toilets. What can I say? Yes. Yeah. They're just hanging out on park benches all day they got to

shit at the public restroom it's just part of the system yeah boy i sure hope this doesn't pop up 60 years later as the impetus for the rampant bigotry from my mom's generation in the form of trans bathroom bills yeah that's what i was gonna point out is like what they've done is they've translate like it's illegal to be gay and also social death so people had to like hook up in bathrooms into oh yeah my buddy frank he keeps getting attacked in that same bathroom yeah exactly yeah right right i tell him not to jog there when you gotta shit you gotta shit so all right so yeah but one of the kids we cut to these kids leaving a bathroom where apparently one of the gays was there watching them.

So one kid decides that he's going to take a shortcut while his friends go the safe way. And wouldn't you know it, he's followed by the gay. Hey, fellas, I'm going to wrap myself in blankets and cinder blocks and go under the pier, OK? Yeah. I'll see you at the gas and sip. and go under the pier, okay? I'll see you at the gas and sip. I love how the approach of the gay guy is scored by like this increasingly frantic

taiko drum and shit. He might as well have a fin. Yeah. I'm not sure that they didn't know that gay people had or had not a dorsal fin. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, right, right. All right. So,

and then, yeah, but luckily for us, Bobby saw the stranger following him through the shortcut and, you know, thought better of it just before he was about to get murder raped. And then there's this odd fucking moment where we cut back to the narrator who's still,

by the way, driving out to give this seminar, thinking about how hitchhiking often leads to being gay raped to death but then the narrator basically this is almost a direct quote basically says the decision to not get murder raped is always yours yes just to be clear my conclusion is if you get raped it's your fault 1961 yep you fucked up you didn't see that fin come on yeah exactly exactly he says and at the end he's just like just always be suspicious of everyone especially if they're friendly i'm like boy does that sum up the boomers

right it fucking does also my favorite quote from this section one never knows when the homosexual is about and i just wrote in my notes i mean not in my experience gay guy just steps out of a tree he's like completely the color of bark jesus fucking christ so yeah yeah this is um this is This is where John McCain's generation comes from, guys. That's what I'm like. I'm not trying to say this is an excuse or anything. This is what Uncle Joe watched in high school gym class. Leave him alone.

Well, don't leave him alone. I mean, I've got no excuses or anything. Just so that you know. All right. Well, something tells me we haven't heard the last from Sid Davis. I feel like scissors are a religious implement. So with the promise of more where that came from, we're going to wrap the mini episodes of citation needed over two shows

on saturday october 12th platinum packages are sold out and vip might be sold out by the time this goes live too but there are still general admission tickets available for both shows and you'll find a link to those on the show notes anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot god awful movies Debuting at 7 a.m Eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday Obviously this episode would be unable to assume its ultimate form if I neglected to thank keith and right professional sayer of words Eli bosnick who's just as likely to get paid to not say something and lucinda illusions who missed you last week, too

Also want to thank the father and son team from toronto for providing this's Farnsworth quote. And dude, listen to your dad. People fucking love puns. They just don't like bad ones. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Bob, Aiden, Tyler, Imposing Beam, Hillary, and Shannon. Bob, Aiden, and Tyler, whose dicks are so big they tuck them into both pant legs,

and Imposing Beam, Hillary, and Shannon, whose IQs are so high, Al Gore needs a cherry picker just to point at them. Together, these six delightful disbelievers deign to designate a dollop of dough to the deep-seated disdain we dole out daily for the delegates of dishonest doctrine and dangerous dictums this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAdeus.com. And if you'd like to help but not bad enough to actually do so, we appreciate the thought.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, Halesville Social Media, and our audio engineer, Russ Morgan-Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdeus.com. Just, I actually had to sneeze. It's unrelated.

Freudian sneeze. Freudian sneeze. It happens sometimes. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.