The Scathing Atheist - 345: Face Off Edition

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

In this week’s episode, Anna will drop the mic on Deuteronomy, Greta Thunberg comes SO CLOSE to exploding Donald Trump's face with her mind, and Heath gave a hilarious talk in Kentucky and you missed it. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Trump holds UN panel on religious persecution instead of attending climate change panel: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/23/donald-trump-lies-again-about-obliterating-the-johnson-amendment/ Federal Judge Says Christian Hate Group Can Legally Be Called a “Hate Group”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/21/federal-judge-says-christian-hate-group-can-legally-be-called-a-hate-group/ NJ Official Denies Anti-Semitism After Saying Lawyer Tried to “Jew Her Down”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/18/nj-official-denies-anti-semitism-after-saying-lawyer-tried-to-jew-her-down/ Mark Taylor: Concealed Weapons Can Keep the Red Cross from Sacrificing You to Baal: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/18/mark-taylor-concealed-weapons-can-keep-the-red-cross-from-sacrificing-you-to-baal/ Devos threatens to withhold funding from Duke-UNC for not being anti-Muslim enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/21/betsy-devos-to-duke-unc-mideast-program-be-more-pro-christian-or-lose-funding/ Serial Liar Sean Spicer: Keep Me on Dancing With the Stars...For Jesus: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/17/serial-liar-sean-spicer-keep-me-on-dancing-with-the-stars-for-jesus/ Shaman Who Walked 1,700 Miles to Exorcise Vladimir Putin Arrested Upon Arrival: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/20/shaman-who-walked-1700-miles-to-exorcise-vladimir-putin-arrested-upon-arrival/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Study shows Fox news drives abortion debate: https://www.vox.com/2019/9/23/20875531/fox-news-abortion-cnn-msnbc-virginia Kansas City Diocese Wins Case Against Fired Teacher Who Was Single and Pregnant https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/21/kansas-city-diocese-wins-case-against-fired-teacher-who-was-single-and-pregnant/

Warning, following podcast contains language that may offend some listeners, and if not, we'll try harder next week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by it being my birthday. My birthday. It's today. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Adam Riggs from the backwards third world country, continent, and island of Australia. Yesterday, New South Wales decriminalised abortion,

which drags us kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Facts aren't really relevant with our current government when it comes to such things as climate change, gender equality, or indeed the fact that we did evolve from filthy monkey men. it's thursday it's septemberth. And it's my birthday! And apparently you wrote a line for me to say about how young you look. And another one where I agree with you, apparently. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Pothick. I disagree. I'm Ethan Wright.

And from Shane Gillis' New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Anna will drop the mic on Deuteronomy. Hell yeah. Greta Thunberg comes so close to exploding Donald Trump's face with her mind. So close. So close. And Heath gave a fucking hilarious talk in Kentucky and you missed it.

Yeah, you did. But first, the diatribe. Have you ever taken a friend to a thing and then watch him get way too fucking drunk? And then they start doing all this way too drunk shit and you're the one that gets embarrassed even though you're not the one doing the shit and you have no control over it. It's like, you know, you brought them to the thing, or maybe you didn't even bring them. Maybe they just, you know, met you at the thing, but now they're shit-faced and acting like an asshole, and you're the one apologizing even though you're not doing anything wrong. In fact, you're probably the person most actively trying to stop them from doing whatever it is you're apologizing for and still you feel responsible all right so maybe you haven't been through that i have an analogous situation that

might be more familiar to my american listeners you ever have somebody from another country come visit this ridiculous jesusville nation of ours so yeah okay so my buddy andy wilson from the merseyside skeptic i'm sorry the merse Skeptics, was in the States for a couple of weeks, and he just so happened to wind up in Georgia. So I drove up to meet him in Atlanta because the state of Georgia is like a lazy person's apartment where only the front room is clean. So whenever you have company, you just don't let them walk down the hall and see what lies south of Atlanta. But, of course, Atlanta is still Georgia, and Georgia is still America. So as we walked around, I had this constant feeling like my country just got drunk and pissed itself at the wedding.

Now, of course, by the time I met up with Andy, he'd already been in the States for a couple of weeks. So it was way too late for me to distract him from all the crazy shit like, don't look at the money. So naturally, by the time I got there, he'd saved up a lot of questions for me. Some of them were the typical foreigner in America questions like, you know, why do you people need so much cheese? Do you think we'll forget what country we're in if we don't see the flag 11 times per mile? Do you make all those bills the same size to intentionally fuck with

the blind? But Andy's a skeptic and an atheist. So one of his questions hit a little closer to home than the others. See, throughout their drive, they'd been bouncing back and forth between different cities to see different friends and attractions. They'd actually driven through like Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, and both Carolinas. And when you do that, there's a phenomenon that's almost impossible to miss. It's one that you see over and over again. You drive through a destitute town filled with ramshackle homes that should be condemned. You got boarded up storefronts, rusted cars on blocks, littering the front lawns.

And right in the middle of the city, you see this beautiful church that's perfectly maintained and a few blocks down you see another one and then another one and another one and so the obvious question is in a town with no money who's paying for those churches and i guess maybe andy asked that hoping that i was going to explain some top-down structure and baptism that poured money into underperforming churches or at the very least that I was going to explain some top-down structure in baptism that poured money into underperforming churches, or at the very least that there was some blatant violation of church state separation that funneled federal tax dollars into them. But the real answer is, of course, the saddest possible one. The church is being funded by the destitute people that surround it. They're paying for the new stained glass windows in the church, even while their own front window is broken, because Christians in this country still adhere to the medieval concept that the last thing that

should go to shit in your town is the church. They believe that even when their own home is in dire need of repair, it's more important to see that God's house is in tip-top shape. But certainly, Andy argued, they couldn't be tithing enough to maintain those things, could they? And have any money left over to maintain those things, could they? And have any money left over to pay the preacher? But of course, the truth is even worse than that. They don't build the extensions with the tithing money. They steal that money from the dead people.

Right. They convince their aging and sometimes senile congregants to maybe grease those heaven wheels a bit by leaving a sizable portion of their estate to the church. Now, you know, these estates might not be much. They're poor people, but, you know, maybe they've got a large plot of land in a town that nobody's buying land in. Don't worry, the municipal governments in this part of the country are always happy to take land off the hands of the churches at a better than fair price. So the end result, of course, is that more and more of the money winds up getting funneled into the least useful building in town, a building with a value that actually becomes more negative the more money you invest in it. And because those very same buildings starve the local government of land taxes and they get all those sweetheart deals, whether they're buying or selling land, they hamstring any more useful

building that might take their place. But that's not the only way they're funded, of course. Many of them run businesses of various sorts, say a daycare right there in the church. Now, there may be other businesses in town offering daycare services, but those suckers are going to have to be certified and spend a bunch of money making sure there are no open cartons of lies sitting around. So they're never going to be able to compete with a church. Plus, the church is going to charge money for their service, but mostly rely on volunteer labor to do the job.

So they've got a much wider profit margin. And speaking of volunteer labor, who do you think mows that big ass lawn of theirs? You think they're paying somebody to do that? Hell, much of the actual maintenance and construction was done by volunteer labor. So even without all that funding, they'd clean up pretty enough to make Andy wonder how the hell it was possible. In other words, as much as I hated to admit it, demanding 10% of the income of destitute people on fixed incomes is the least heinous way they fund themselves. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the yabba and dabba to my do Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas.

Are you ready to have a gay old time? I am only 32. I'm having a gay young time. Thank you very much. Are you? Yeah. You should remind your homeless Santa beard. You should remind your 40 year old balls.

That's 38. And you're 34. And you're 34. In our lead story tonight, world leaders gathered this week for the 74th session of the United Nations General Assembly to discuss the most pressing problems threatening global stability. Climate change, increased economic tensions between the U.S. and China, the growing threat of nuclear conflict in the Middle East, the lack of economic investment in developing nations, and Starbucks' stubborn refusal to Jesus up their cups in December. Because while the rest of the world leaders were gathering for a summit on climate change, Schmuckle Orange decided to have what The Guardian described as a summit of one. Or what the Heathelton would describe as diplomat-ation there you go phenomenal yes and of course this summit was to discuss the worldwide threat of religious persecution with

himself it's my party and i'll die if i want to die if i wish he wanted to so yeah trump wanted to be clear that a he doesn't give a fuck about petty shit like earth and b he doesn't give a fuck because jesus so instead of participating in the global conversation about the most pressing threat to the continued viability of human civilization the u.s president was focused on something that falls about midway between volcanoes and undercooked chicken in terms of annual deaths. That's right. Volcanic chicken. And don't forget, the volcanic chicken safety hotline is not 785-273-0325.

That is the Westboro Baptist Church. And they hate it when people mix those up. Not 785-273. Don't call 325. Oh, 325. Gotcha, gotcha. Okay. And look.

Volcanic chicken's a fun game, though. It is. No, look. I got to admit here, look. You know, religious persecution is something worth taking seriously and talking about at the UNGA. On a global scale, it really is a problem, especially if you're not a Christian. But ever since the American right has redefined religious persecution to include stuff like gay people having cakes and trans men pissing, it's hard to believe they're getting worked up

over the plight of the Rohingya or the Uyghurs. It's hard to believe that they know who either of those people are. Or even pronounce it when they see it written down me neither really anyway even if they were though the middle of the climate change summit would be a pretty shitty time to do it so clearly this is a disingenuous effort to excite jackass christian nationalists who love the idea of sterilizing the earth if it pisses off the libtards now apparently he had second like whatever he has in place of thoughts about this, because Trump did make a surprise appearance at the climate change summit. And he even adopted the posture of a person listening intently. However, his efforts in appearing attentive were somewhat undercut by the fact that the guy with was talking was speaking Hindi and Trump wasn't

wearing the translation headphone. Oh, the video is incredible. Because you can see him thinking the words listening, thinking, thinking, listening. He's almost mouthing that, yes. Just like everybody

in the audience of a jazz band who's not a musician saying shit. You guys trying to fuck that jazz musician listen to their poetry yeah you are okay now i should also point out that he did leave before greta thurnberg's speech in what we can only assume we're hopes that he still had time to catch her in the dressing room oh he does that to teenage girls teenagers and in shmate group news tonight, a district court in Alabama has tossed out a lawsuit from the D. James Kennedy Ministries against the Southern Poverty Law Center for labeling it a hate group. Right. Yeah. Based on the long established legal principle of hate speech backseat, or whatever the Latin is for that. You know, we get freedom of hate speech, but there's no freedom of speech about freedom of hate speech. It's good cuts. It was no backseats. We called it.

Yeah. So in the lawsuit, the plaintiff claims that the designation as a hate group cost them donations since being a hate group made them ineligible for Amazon Smiles charity program, which they also named in the lawsuit. And they were labeled as such on the charity website GuideStar. Okay. Yeah. Amazon's not a government entity. No.

They don't even pay taxes. Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure they're technically a religion now, assuming that Jeff assuming that jeff bezos rapes kids i feel like that's a safe assumption though right yeah if you found that out you wouldn't be like what yeah right right exactly satire anyways but as the judge and you know people with eyes and ears pointed out calling someone a hate group is protected by the First Amendment. And also, unrelated, they're a hate group.

I feel like it's related. It is related. I feel like it's related. They recommended the works of a preacher who called for the death of gay people essential and published an ad in their newsletter that said, quote, sex with children, homosexuals say yes. Jesus Christ. Okay. So just to be clear, they were asking around if it's cool to have sex with children. You know, look, I'm not saying it's not anus. It just seems like a bit of an own goal when Christians bring up pedophilia, doesn't it? Right. Right. So in addition to their lawsuit and this is perhaps the best part d james kennedy ministries also released a 28 minute documentary slash fundraiser called profit

dollar sign of hate the southern poverty law center which i have watched and you better believe is going to be a god awful movie as soon as humanly possible spoiler alert if you think about it gay people are the real bigots yeah no I mean they didn't even want cakes until they saw that the Christians had them that's true that's just a fact I love that

they had to add a dollar sign even though profit and profit are spelled differently because they're idiots no no no the other one all right next up in headlines we have a story about possibly the most new jersey thing that's ever happened in politics yeah during a meeting of the mostly democrat Trenton City Council, the group's president, Kathy McBride, was talking about a local resident who is seeking damages for an injury that happened on badly maintained city property, which is definitely a problem in Trenton, the capital of New Jersey. And McBride, the president of the council, mentioned that she was angry about how a city attorney negotiated the settlement down to a smaller payout for the injured person. And these were the exact words from McBride, a New Jersey Democrat, to be clear, just like Eli, actually.

Also a black woman like Eli. Okay. So McBride said, quote quote i'm sad for the injured victim that the city attorney was able to wait her out and jew her down for 22 000 and literal quote that i'm uncomfortable saying out loud myself and yes just to be clear it doesn't really matter but it does it's offensive either way the lawyer is a jewish person that was being referenced there when considering injustice it's important we don't let the how should i say hymie's in the kikes fuck this up for everybody yeah right like okay you know your comments are bad when all the analogy statements i could compare it to i ultimately threw out for being too offensive for this podcast. This podcast.

You're in the public eye, lady. It means cheap. Get off me. Now, you might be thinking, OK, that's pretty bad, but it's just the one person who's talking like she's at a segregated country club. Well, stop thinking that. Yep. Several of McBride's colleagues on the city council immediately came to her defense.

That included Councilwoman Robin Vaughn, who said, quote, we really need to get a more acute meaning and understanding of anti-Semitic. You do. I believe. She does. That's true. You really do. You said we in the royal. You do.

Yes. She continued. I believe Jew down was more in reference to negotiating, not I hate Jews. Oh, we got it. Other quote that I'm uncomfortable saying out loud, but I had to to explain this. So, Eli, you want to help out Robin Vaughn with a more acute understanding of this extremely complicated concept of anti-Semitic? Yeah, no problem. Miss Vaughn, you know world war ii propaganda you know things you

shouldn't say out loud in your official capacity as a government official she does not that venn diagram two circles you want two circles in that bad boy he means two circles that don't touch i do yeah that's what i mean yep always circles i i'm pretty sure she literally just invoked the but i'm saying you're good at negotiating that's a compliment defense right fucking wow that's that's what happened yes a democrat wow and uh we also got a literal defense of this phrase from councilman george muskal who i'm quite certain is eli's literal neighbor and also possibly carl the pug a peg it's a strong possibility it's very possible muskal gave the most new jersey response i can think of which it actually repeated the slur in the apology he said actually eli you got you want to do Carl here for this?

I think that's appropriate. He said, quote, it's like a car dealer. You want $5,000? You Jew them down to $4,000. It's nothing vicious. The expression's been said millions of times. Don't say millions. Nothing maliciously done.

It was about money. That's why they said Jew them down. he repeated it there it is oh i just i love that he's like no no no you misunderstand anti-semitism is so widespread and accepted that it's fine how can it be bad if everybody does it yeah right right it just suggested that some slurs get grandfathered in. He did. That's insane. This is New Jersey. Wow.

Yeah. And just for the record, we got some apologies from these idiots a few days later because they got forced into apologizing. Sort of. Yes. Well is correct. Well is correct. The apology, the quote apology from george mescal definitely should not count as an apology much like the slur phrase he was defending he doesn't really get what that word

apology means he said quote i spoke with the city attorney peter cohen on monday and personally apologized however already a problem don't say however in your apologies don't do that no he continued however mr cohen said he uses the phrase all the time and was not offended and and and then he uses the but they say it in their rap songs all the time this fucking guy the fuck is happening and, after what I'm sure was a loud, harumphy exhale, he added, okay, but if I offended the Jewish community, I'm fucking sorry or whatever. You guys really jewed this apology out of me. Oh, I did it again. I got started the cycle all over again.

What the fuck? Okay, so we got a new rule to announce. I was quite certain this was already a rule, but here it is. No using Jewish as a verb. There you go. Just no ethnicities as verbs. That's the rule. And specifically for Jewish, if you're not jewish maybe think about not using the word

jew at all not as a noun either think about just saying it all the way out jewish person it's pretty easy just say it all the way yeah fucks up the puns though yeah you can strunk and white that shit though it's pretty easy and in balling out news tonight. Former firefighter, current prophet, and super-de-duper mentally ill person. Ah, redundant. Yep. Mark Taylor took to the internet again this week to advise his followers to get a concealed carry permit to prevent

the Red Cross from sacrificing them to ball. Yeah. Now, okay, so, but very important here, you have to be careful not to use a consecrated concealed weapon or you just end up doing their work for them really obviously yeah um so let me explain through you guys know the the demon ball uh and you know the red cross the charity yep yes so apparently they are in according to Mark Taylor, cahoots.

And the Red Cross has actually been doing all those blood drives that you hear about to satiate Ball's love for hemoglobin. However, yeah, it takes a... Specifically the hemoglobin. Yep, that's what he loves. Apparently, bad news, they're running low on blood. So now they've turned to kidnapping and murdering people to keep their place of high power at the red cross and the solution is for people who believe

that what i just said is real to have hidden weapons in public in public no less to walk around with them yes hidden weapons yeah feels like the unconcealed ar-15 slung over your shoulder in a lot of states that's legal feels like that's going to be enough to keep the red cross people from performing blood rights yeah i feel like you want the open carry in this situation actually Yeah. So this embodied red flag was waved on a show called Upfront in the Prophetic this week. And here's the exact quote.

What the Lord has been showing me is that their food source is drying up and they are literally grabbing people in broad daylight. Why? Because their food source

is drying up. End quote. You tell them what you're going to teach them. You teach them and then you tell them what you taught them. I get it in their defense, though. You have to do this kind of shit in broad daylight. Otherwise, the vampires get all the credit. Yes.

Mark Taylor just so very clearly had a nightmare in which he woke up in a tub full of ice and Clara Barton was holding his liver and laughing at him right there. I am looking forward to that movie, though. He concludes, quote, I tell people I don't care if you're Christian or not. If you don't have a concealed weapons permit, you need to get one. You need to learn how to use a weapon and you need to get one you need to learn how to use a weapon and you need to be carrying it right now because this is a very dangerous time that we're entering into end quote and look i know it's not anywhere close to the point but does mark taylor think he has non-christians putting down my god is not great oh let's see what mark taylor has to say about what Ball's been up to lately. All right. Austin Hammett.

Yeah, right. Well, we remind Eli that that joke relies on his own non-existence. We're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Okay, so at first I was going to open this week by apologizing for spending so much time on this segment talking about abortion. But then it occurred to me that I've done that several times before. So I considered opening up by apologizing for apologizing for talking about abortion too much, too much. But then I realized that I'm not sorry and it would all be disingenuous bullshit anyway so I settled on this opening and here's why I'm not sorry according to a recent study from media matters for America if you hear about abortion on network news there's about a 94 chance you're

hearing something that originated with Fox News. Not only does Fox spend more time talking about abortion than the other major networks combined, but it also defines what those other networks are covering. So either they're debunking those claims or far too often they're not debunking those claims, but trying to pretend like they're bipartisan enough to cover the abortion issues too. Which means that essentially Fox News is setting the agenda for CNN and MSNBC. Of course, we all know that Fox News viewers are basically a lost cause, but the really terrifying thing in the study was about how bad the other networks were too. Because Fox is kind of leading the parade, they often get called up repeating the same

bullshit talking points that Fox is disseminating. For example, they found that when Fox News made a statement about abortion, there was an 85% chance it would be inaccurate. No real shocker there. But for CNN, that number was 67%. And even the left-leaning MSNBC only manages to not be wrong on the subject 40% of the time. They're just barely right more often than they're wrong. And in case anybody from CNN or MSNBC is listening,

I want to be super clear that we're not shooting for 50-50 here. That is not balance. The number of wrong statements you want is zero. Anyway, just in case you aren't pissed off and or depressed enough yet, I also wanted to share one more quick story with you. This is the story of Michelle Bolin, a woman who was fired from a position as an elementary school teacher from a Catholic school because she was pregnant and unmarried. And apparently the fact that their religion is based on that is no excuse. So she sues, but not for pregnancy discrimination. I mean, that is illegal for non-religious people, but Missouri state law specifically exempts employees of religious employers. So her lawyers did manage to scrounge

up some other illegal aspects of what they did but ultimately it wasn't enough to win her case and this week she was officially told to go fuck herself as long as her present employer is okay with her exhibiting that kind of bodily autonomy of course and with my fuck joke quota fulfilled for the week i'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Ministry of Truth news tonight, fearing a summit on religious persecution might want for recent examples, the Trump administration religiously persecuted Duke University by threatening to withhold federal funding for their Middle East studies program over its refusal to sufficiently focus on how awesome jesus is in fact the dumbest thing while the curriculum spends considerable time talking about how islam has influenced the

middle eastern culture it spends almost no time talking about how jesus christ is the only path to true salvation apparently what do you mean it's not the center of the world i don't understand what do you mean that's the point why are you hitting yourself seriously i'm not doing that thing you're actually hitting yourself yeah so they're literally complaining that the only religion represented in the middle east studies program is the one that 94.5% of the people in the Middle East adhere to. So apparently Betsy DeVos retasks some of her homicidal bear deterrent specialists to study this problem after a North Carolina congressman sent her a letter alleging that the program had a, quote, radical anti-Israeli bias. Because of the history teaching. Yeah,

exactly. And upon investigating investigating they determined that the program had quote a considerable emphasis placed on understanding the positive aspects of islam while there is an absolute absence of any similar focus on the positive aspects of christianity judaism or any other religion or belief system in the Middle East, end quote. Or fences. Nothing about fences being posthumous. If we have said it once, we've said it a thousand times. There's not enough people talking about the upsides of Christianity. That's exactly it, though.

Yeah, wait until Betsy DeVos hears about the physics department at Duke University. Nothing about the Bible. It's just fucking Euclid this euclid that it's anti-semitic geometry is what it is so okay so just to be clear the side that complains loudest about academic freedom being under threat by political correctness is now using federal funding to tell academics what they are and aren't allowed to teach in colleges because of political correctness and it's worth noting that while the premise of this investigation was a search for anti-semitism they weren't even able to pretend they'd found any they're just like hey can we get that lady from new jersey to audit for a day yeah right yeah but instead

they settled on arguing that saying positive things about Islam is Christian persecution. Right, because the only remaining qualification for Christian persecution in the minds of the Betsy DeVos's of the world is that it is a thing that can be described using words. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. And in Sin and Spice Makes everything nice news tonight In October of 2015 A young archaeologist Discovered the statue of a chaos demon

And dropped it, releasing its spirit And dooming our world to a thousand years Of darkness Or at least that's what I assume Because of the story I'm about to tell you Also all the stories we already told you And the ones that we have Yet to tell you also all the stories we already told you and the ones that we have yet to tell you yeah okay so so knuckle in here here we go you remember sean spicer

the press secretary the one who lied and tried to implement the muslim ban and ate a bunch of gum like a fucking demon wearing a person suit. Orbit cinnamon gum, 35 pieces a day. I just want to dwell on that for a second. It wasn't even Big Red. He's a fucking weirdo. And I didn't even remember it until I reread this, and it would be like the most important thing ever with any other president. Yeah, right.

Anyways, that gum-eating demon is now on the reality show Dancing with the Stars. And last week was his first appearance. And it went, you know, just about as well as all his other performances in public. Well, the one's not conveniently located near man-high bushes anyway. I had forgotten about that, too. I forgot about that until just now. If his dance partner just, like, danced him into a giant hedge maze and then ran away. We got to watch Spicer trapped in there.

That would have turned into the greatest television show in history. Oh yeah. That would have been so fun. Right. So John Spicer and his dance partner were the second lowest rated duo on last week's episode of Dancing with the Stars. So Spicer put out a call to his fellow Christians with the help of Governor Mike Huckabee to keep him on the show for Jesus. Persecution. Here's the tweet.

Quote, thank you at Gov mike huckabee clearly the judges aren't gonna be with me let's send a message to hashtag hollywood that those of us who stand for hashtag christ won't be discounted may god bless you end real quotes gotcha what does he think the hashtag does there right right? Like Hollywood's checking their fucking mentions or something? Just checking around for tweet stuff about Hollywood. Hold on. Wait a minute.

Do you have to... I've never watched this show. Do you have to get the most votes or do you just have to say that you got the most votes later? The votes are based on alternative facts oh well good yeah yeah and then he just sent out another tweet like all right well if you want to stand for christ either way just send out a tweet with the hashtag password one two three four no wait sorry follow-up tweet hashtag new password one two three four fuck what am I doing

how does that keep happening so yeah there you have it folks it's 2019 GoBulls is calling on the followers of Christ to keep him on a reality television show and we reached peak insanity I have seen vanilla sky we have to wake up

soon right I just keep pinching myself and we just keep not waking up yeah they owe us and finally tonight we have a story about a russian shaman who walked 1700 miles from his remote village in siberia all the way to to Moscow, pulling a rickshaw full of supplies behind him in order to exorcise the demons inside Vladimir Putin and overthrow the government of Russia and make Russia great again. But turns out it didn't work out very well. Actually, let me try that headline one more time. Wandering Siberian shaman arrested by nightclub bouncers with black helicopters. Possibly dead from polonium that he accidentally drank during the trip before they even found him.

What are you talking about? Yeah. I mean, look, you want to feel bad for this guy, right? Reject the premise. But it's like if Harry Potter had gone to fight Voldemort, but he only thought he knew magic. Yeah, right. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh, I'm going to kill the fuck out of you.

So the shaman in question is Alexander Gabyshev. And he told reporters, he got a big following of reporters at one point. He told them, quote, God has told me to do this. Nature has told me to do this. I like that he got a second opinion. That's very thorough. Yeah, cover it on all bases. I guess God and nature, they didn't see it coming that the Russian government would arrest a political dissident.

Regardless, his exorcist pilgrimage attracted a bunch of followers besides just the reporters. Following the recent elections that many suspect might have been somewhat fraudulent there in Russia, a large series of protests broke out across Moscow. Yeah, apparently the Russian people, they'd become accustomed to very much above board elections full of integrity like all the fair ones that putin won and with all this controversy swirling around people heard about a magical earthbender who could cure their president of being satan the prince of darkness and this story went viral sure so mr gabyshev ended up having a very large caravan of imbeciles following him 1700 miles by the end of it. Yeah, but at least their caravans of imbeciles showed up to oppose their evil ruler.

Right. Yeah. All right. Let's see. Democracy doesn't exist. He murders the press. He publicly kidnapped his political opponent. Sure, man. Let's try some magic why not yeah get some magic going here's my favorite part of the story apparently gabyshev ended up being violently opposed by a big faction as well but not because earthbending isn't real. The opposition was a bunch of other earthbending shamans who were convinced that he was going to do the spells wrong. Or maybe they felt like things were great for Siberian wizards under Putin's rule, who's playing coal miners in West Virginia. So two giant groups of idiots walked through Siberia for for 1700 miles arguing about the nuance of earthbending and

demon out of an ex-kgb spy turned bond villain president and they're all dead they're all dead now okay but the best part was that at one point the cops had to step in and stop their literal magic battle yeah they were standing in a public road, pew-pewing at each other, and a cop's job that day was to be like, okay, guys, you can't magic battle in the street. Come on, sidewalks.

Sidewalks. All right, so my favorite part of the story is that when the Russian director of Amnesty International called for this guy's release, he couldn't help but throw some shade on how stupid all of it was. He taunted the Russian government by asking, quote, are they truly afraid of his magical powers? End quote. To which this dude and his supporters probably said, I mean, thanks, I guess.

Come on, don't kill that asshole. Really? And one last detail here it looks like mr gabyshev was embezzling donation money along the way of course he was of course he was yeah according to a former supporter a chunk of the money that was supposed to pay for you know wagon wheels and bullets for buffalo hunting, ended up going to Gabyshev's family and also, quote, pornographic games. Well, yeah, I mean. To play while walking 1,700 miles through Siberia. Yeah, like Tauntaun Twister, I guess, something like that.

And that means, just really quick here, we're going to go ahead and put 10 seconds on the clock before we wrap it up. Russian party game porn, go. Don't you wake daddy. Tug of war and peace of ass. It's all in there. It's all in there. Yep.

Bullwinkle and Rocky IV. One moose, two squirrels, one flip cup. All right. And now that we have several games to keep us busy, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. My balls are youthful and glowing. And when we come back, I'll have mysteriously vanished.

Got a rosy glow. Okay, I cast Fireball. Dude, you don't have Fireball. You don't have that spell. Okay, I cast Have a Spell Spell for Fireball. Not a spell. It doesn't exist. I cast then...

I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you right now. Okay, what? Have a Have a Spell Spell is not a spell. Damn it. Okay. Hey, guys. Well, you didn't say that until just now.

Eli, what are you guys doing? Oh, hey, no. Heath and I were just practicing some of the finer points of Dungeons and Dragons for our next patron-only session. Eli's cheating. You mean the one that we already released part one of for the patrons and that listeners can hear for pledging as little as a dollar over on patreon.com slash scathing

atheist? That is the one we set up quite the story if i may say so myself and i want to make sure our next episode is just as good as the first one look eli so far people love the game and and we're going to release another episode of patrons in october i think you're worrying too much yeah maybe uh i turn into a machine gun and shoot all the bad guys. You know what? Never mind. Good luck with practice. Yeah, thanks.

Oh, plus I have infinity times infinity bullets also. No, you don't. I do, though. Infinity bullets. Ah, the Bible. As we wend our way through the end of Deuteronomy, we're reminded not only of why we hate this book, but just how much there is to hate. That said, if anything lends itself to sketches and songs,

it's bad ideas. So we're pleased to present another round of... Bible Peace Theater. Wait, so why are we doing this again? Noah's nose fell off. No, no, his nose didn't fall off. And you guys are covering for him.

I was just told that there would be cookies. There will be, Tom. There will be. Anyway, thank you for helping out. Yeah, sure. You want me to edit it? Maybe fucking blow you? I don't know. What? Nothing. I said I'm happy to be here. Thanks, Eli, for helping out. Yeah, sure. You want me to edit it? Maybe fucking blow you? I don't know. What? Nothing.

I said I'm happy to be here. Thanks, Eli, for inviting us. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Okay, everyone. Last big speech by me, Moses, leader of the Jews. You guys, you guys ready for the good stuff? Yeah, sure, I guess. Okay, so here's the thing about tabernacles.

God damn it. Come on. Excuse me. Excuse me, Moses? Yes, yes. Yeah, so this is my new bride. Hi. Hi. Yeah, and last night, I went into her.

You know what I mean? I went in. Yeah, no, I got it. Graphic. Yeah, well, she's not a virgin. I am, too. You are not. You big floozy.

You're cool. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Both of you, we have ways of telling these things. Now, myth. Do you have the tokens of your virginity? Wait, the what now? What do I need? It means bloody blankets.

What? Sorry, are you telling me that in the Bible, the most popular book of all time, it suggested that the way to tell if someone is a virgin is whether or not they have a bloody blanket? Yes, there is. Jesus, no, I don't have a bloody blanket. Huh, see, I told you.

I told you you had to have a bloody blanket. Yeah, sorry. That's tough, but I'm afraid we're going to have to stone you. Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. What, like three inches? Moo, moo. You're supposed to measure from the taint. That's a rule.

And then, well, then it's all the rape stuff. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, thanks for inviting us, guys. This has been fun. Okay, okay. I admit this doesn't feel super ripe for sketch comedy, this section. Yeah, that's because it is not at all. No, no, no, it's not because it is not at all yeah no nope no it's not it's

not but but the bible has some like really horrible policies on rape and i feel like you know the whole part of our bible peace theater thing is to highlight those bad ideas yeah i mean that's true but like i don't know's going to be like five solid minutes of extremely upsetting rape jokes. Yeah, more than five, probably. Yeah, and we also got to act it out. Yeah. That doesn't sound funny, particularly. No.

No. Do you guys want to ask the boss? Yes. I very much want to ask the boss. Yeah, let's definitely ask the boss. Lucinda, Eli wants to write a bunch of rape sketches. I do not want to write a bunch of. And Eli said that there would be cookies and there are no cookies anywhere.

Oh, y'all shut up. Look, nobody, including Eli, wants to do five minutes of rape based sketches. But at the same time, we set out to act out the Bible. And this section is one of the most poisonous parts of the book. So what we're going to do is find and replace. Find and replace? Yep. Instead of rape or raping, we're going to say steal chocolate cake. You get me? That way, everyone at home can hear the horrible shit the Bible says about rape, but they don't have to hear about rape for five straight minutes. Capisce? Okay.

Sounds good to me. Yeah, no, that works. Are you even Italian? All right, thanks, Lucinda. Bye. Bye, Lucinda. Okay, bye, Lucinda. All right.

Yeah, yeah. Ooh, she's going to kill him. Uh, excuse me, Moses? Yes. So this young man, he stole my daughter's chocolate cake, and now her husband doesn't want her anymore. Ooh, I see. And does she live in the city or the country? Well, they live right here in town. Why? Ooh, so looks like we're gonna need to stone them both to death.

What? He stole her chocolate cake? Yes, yes, he did. But she lives in the city and obviously didn't yell loud enough about her cake being stolen. So, you know, they both got to get stoned. Super glad we're using that cake metaphor right now. Me too. Me too. I'm telling you, you're making a big deal out of this. I want my money. Fellas, fellas, what's the problem?

This man stole my daughter's chocolate cake. Oh, that's not good. Was she engaged to be married? Um, no. Okay, well, that's a little better. You, the guy who stole the chocolate cake, you have to give him 50 shekels. What?

Wait, what? That's like $120,000 in today's money. What are you talking about? Yeah, well, you sort of thought of that before stealing his daughter's chocolate cake. Again, really appreciating the metaphor here, right? Yeah, it's a good choice. It's a great metaphor. The Bible. We have a price for rape.

A man shall not take his father's wife nor discover his father's skirt. Hey, Dad, I found this. You put that back right now. Put it back. Okay. Sorry. And so I said to him, look, the book says no drinking blood mixed or unmixed. And he says, then why is it called a bloody mary ridiculous oh hey neighbor

hey hey guys how's it going pretty good good good to see a jew church yeah um i mean it's called temple sure sure whatever you hadn't inside yep hadn't been yeah oh really because i heard uh you had a little accident you know what neighbor i heard that too yeah yeah i did i did uh i had a little accident i heard so i heard i heard a goat bit off your penis quiet okay so yes a goat did bite off my penis are you happy are you guys happy just quiet quiet down Not really, no But sadly, you know the rules The rules are

Yeah, yeah No going to temple if you're missing balls or penis Right That's right Sorry, it's the rule I'm having the worst week That dude 100% tried to get a blowjob from a goat I did not

Totally did Totally did Oh, Liz Warren tried to get a blowjob from a goat. I did not! Totally did. Totally did. Oh, Liz Warren. I would like to walk Bailey with you so very... Hey, neighbor! How you doing? You awake? I am now.

Jesus, what are you guys doing in my house? I just wanted to come by. Quick reminder. You're supposed to wash yourself with water if you have a wet dream. It's like right there. Yep, yep. Thank you.

Don't forget about it. I will not forget. Thank you. Also, were you dreaming about Elizabeth Warren and her dog? No. Totally was. Totally was. Yeah, I was. Me too. Lou Lou Lou doing

Moses stuff. Moses stuff is my favorite stuff. Oh, come on, people. I dedicated a whole section of this to burying your fits. God walked through here, okay, Eli? Eli, I know this was yours. Nuh-uh. Oh, it was too.

Look at all this blood in here. That could have been someone else. No, no, I'm sorry. Is Dracula here? No, this is yours. This is yours. Okay, that was me. All right. Go to a doctor. No. All right, thanks for coming, everybody.

Thanks for coming. Thank you. Hi, neighbor. How you doing? Come on, you doing? Come on. You? Really? Seriously? Look, look. I just wanted to say how sorry we are you lost your brother. That's all. Oh. Oh, okay. Well, thank you. Thank you. That actually

it's... So you ain't no gonna... You gonna fuck his wife, eh? Come on. Seriously? Rules are rules. Hey, look. Those are the rules. There's no way that's a rule that can't oh it's a rule it's a rule hey esther yeah oh hi esther hey we're doing this thing or what come on really hey hey i don't want to either but rules are rules that's what i said yeah you heard her okay no no i'm not gonna go into my brother's wife just because he died.

I'm not doing that. All right, well, you know what to do. Yeah, I know what the book says. Give me your shoe. What? My what? Your shoe, Gibby. Come here.

Now hold him down. Get off me. Stop it. There we go. There we go. I got his shoe. Come here. Come here.

Come on. Gross. Oh, good one. That's green. I got a shoe. Come here. Come here. Come on. Gross. Oh, good one. That's green. I got to do the thing. Hear me, elders of the city. This guy's a guy without a shoe. Guy without a shoe.

Guy without a shoe. This religion is insane. Whatever you say, guy without a shoe. Yeah, guy without a shoe. A lot of thought for a guy without a shoe. I have one a shoe. Yeah, guy without a shoe. A lot of thought for a guy without a shoe. I have one other shoe. Hey, Tom. Hey, yeah.

Eli, what's up, man? Real quick, I was just thinking, we're friends, right? Yeah, Eli, we're friends. I would think that we're almost like brothers in a way when you think about it. We'll kill you with my bare hands. Yeah, we'll talk later. You watch it, bro. You watch it, bro.

You watch it. Oh my God, babe. He's fucking totally not fucking worth it. Leave him go. Just let him go. What'd you just say to me, bitch? Yo, you did not call my girl a bitch, bro. What are you to do about it, bro?

Oh, you're a fucking asshole. That's what you are. Bro, your girl just bitch, bro. What are you going to do about it, bro? Oh, you're a fucking asshole. That's what you are. Bro, your girl just grabbed my balls. What the fuck? Yeah, because you're a fucking asshole. That's why. Oh, babe, you know you can't do that kind of stuff. Oh, whatever, whatever.

Whatever, nothing. Now we got to cut off her hand, bro. Yeah, baby, that's true. What? I just got a fucking manicure. Rules are rules, babe. Okay, everyone, everyone, everyone, time for some

curses. Y'all ready for curses? Yeah. That's fine. Alright, uh, cursed is he that makes a graven image. Cursed is he that setteth a life by his father and mother. Um, sorry, like,

cause it's dark? Oh, you mean, you mean while they're fucking'm sorry. Like, because it's dark? Oh, you mean while they're fucking? No. Oh, fucking? No. Is that what you meant? It seems like that, but it's actually like dishonor them

is what it means. Do you just want to say that instead, maybe? Yeah. It seems like that would be a more clear... Just say what you want. No edits. No edits. No retakes.

Cursed is he that removeth his neighbor's landmark, even if it's that stupid thing with the lady bending over in the front yard. But it's so tasteless. Why do people even do that? It's so weird. Exactly. Moving forward. Cursed, cursed is he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way.

Okay, but what if it's funny when you do it? Because that's... Right. Fair point. Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, his sister, or his mother-in-law. Okay, quick question, point of clarification. What about, like, videos where they're just, like,

playing pretend? Play pretend, yes. I had the same question. What are you, Ted Cruz? Okay, moving on. Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. Hey, looking at you, neighbor. I wasn't.

Totally was. He totally was. Ow! Who threw something at me? Hey, hey, and cursed be he that smiteth his neighbor secretly. Seriously? Damn it. That was just relevant right away.

Cursed. Cursed be he that taketh reward to slay an innocent person. Looking at you, James Bond. Oh, no. And the people say amen. Amen. Okay. Everybody, well, that's about it.

So, real quick, kind of an extra thing that we don't even really need to make a big deal about at all. This is Joshua. Hi. Yes. Joshua. I love Joshua. Yes. Yes.

What? That is Joshua. Joshua. That is the best. Yes. J Money. Love that dude yes I have a thing so Joshua be strong and stuff you know

there's lots of trials ahead thank you Moses I'm Joshua what's up Joshua so much so cool okay alright so What's up, Joshua? So much. So cool. Okay.

Okay. All right. So I'd like to now sing you all a song God taught me about how he's going to be mad at all of you. Wait, really? Yeah. Moses spends the last three chapters of Deuteronomy building up this song like it's his title track on a disc album. Yeah. It's serious.

It's like about how mad God is? Yeah, pretty much the whole song. What? Exactly. The whole song. I mean, we might as well give it a try, right? You heard him. Hit it, Anna! It's long and it's dull and it's so full of bull that the stress of the process is hurting my skull. I'm plodding through, I'm nodding cause I'm human, I got shit to do.

Man, I can't study every verse like a Hasidic Jew can. So I skim and I skip, I flip through and scan. Glance at the footnotes here and there and I can't. But I'll admit I hate bits, I don't get them split. Should I study it further on or give a shit? After all, we're not scholars. I got no white collar. I'd trade biblical knowledge for Liberian dollars. Besides, most verses are worthless, like the begats and the curses.

God intersperses with no discernible purpose. What's worse is the verses they don't read in the churches. Not sure why they skip them. They'll be a hell of a service. But I digress, and I guess what I mean to express is that no one who reads this thing knows what it says. How could you? Why would you? It'd do you no good. You'd be memorizing words that no one understood. Gotta worship him right though.

Fuck him up if they're pagan or they're psycho. Or make him your side hoe. Like a book of receipts Deuteronomy's a summary That repeats, repeats, repeats That the Lord is wonderful And he loves you very much Sure, I guess there's a few

Who have nothing to do That obsess over passages And pretend they're true But what about the incredulous Rest of us who stop listening At Exodus? We're bored and it's nebulous And among the effects of this

are low comprehension even lower retention so in hopes of prevention and to hold your attention moses proposes verbose as he knows as he rightly supposes we're losing our focus so deuteronomy is a colloquy that repeats all the policies that god laid down earlier about sex and idolatry an honest anthology it restates the chronology, explaining the pathology of Jewish theology. So the gist, if you missed it, is that when God gets pissed, it'll likely consist

of him swinging his fist. He insists he exists, and if his laws are dismissed, he'll be reaping his vengeance, and he likes his ass kissed. Gotta worship him right, though. Fuck him up if they're pagan or they're psycho.

Make him your side hoe. He'll be reaping his vengeance and he offers up a list. Like a book of receipts. Deuteronomy's a summary that repeats, repeats, repeats. That the Lord is wonderful. And it goes like this. He'll curse your city, your country, your basket and your bowl. Curse your children and your vineyard and your cattle and your soul. Cause your enemies to rise before your sword and bloody hand. He's like this. Turn the ground below to iron so no vegetables can sprout. Your corpse will be a meal for every creature on the earth.

And your wife will eat your children and their bloody afterbirth. The Lord will give you ulcers, spoils, scurvy, and the itch. You'll be abused and robbed and helpless. And your home will be a ditch. Begrudging food to your own brother and the wife that you embrace. A pariah to your people, he'll remove you from his grace. You'll starve and want for water. Screw up everything you touch.

Because the Lord is wonderful and he loves you very much. He's gonna fuck you up right though, even if you're not a pagan or a psycho. Because the Lord is wonderful and he loves you very much. And on that literal note, we'll take a month. Thanks to Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast for stepping in because Noah's nose fell off. So we'll take a month to get over how awesome my wife is, but we'll be back in a month with even more. Bible Peace Theater. Before we unload the cargo tonight, I want to thank Tom and Cecil and explain that my nose is very much still in place. I had a bit of oral surgery this week, so Tom and Cecil were kind

enough to step in on my behalf for that segment. And if you're thinking to yourself, hey man, you don't sound like you had oral surgery, that's because I'm recording this stuff in advance this week. So rest assured, I probably sound funny by now, by the time you're hearing this. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I need to thank Heath for generally offering to donate teeth if I needed any of them. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for actually having all the teeth that Heath was offering to donate. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for agreeing to pretend I broke my tooth in a fight with ninjas. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, whose names I'll tell you next week when I'm able to record on a normal schedule again. Sorry for the wait. Of course, you too can join them by making a per-episode donation

at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a way that decreases how much money you have, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, and following at PIAtPod on Twitter.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingideas.com. Did he do Boomy voice for me? I hope he didn't. No.

He's clearly not going to do Boomy. No. He's going to make it higher voice i hope beep the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2019 all rights reserved