The Scathing Atheist - 346: Impeach Around Edition

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

In this week’s episode, the nation’s preeminent christians refuse to turn our president into a peach, Lindsay Graham explains that if you hear something, it doesn't count if you say something, and Hillary Morgan Fehrer will try to acronym again. --- See us in New York for Citation Needed live! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-nyc-tickets-67044382553 See Andrew and Thomas in LA for Opening Arguments live! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/opening-arguments-live-in-los-angeles-tickets-71656060205 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Pastor: Nothing angers Christians more than an impeachment inquiry into Trump: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/28/pastor-nothing-angers-christians-more-than-an-impeachment-inquiry-into-trump/ Christian who wanted Obama impeached now says Democrats should "win an election": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/27/christian-who-wanted-obama-impeached-now-says-democrats-should-win-an-election/ Lindsay Graham says hearsay doesn't count, but it clearly does count: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-09-28/lindsey-graham-gets-linda-tripp-trending-while-defending-trump TN County gives tax dollars to bible museum: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/30/tn-county-gives-15000-in-taxpayer-funding-to-bible-museum-despite-warning/ Rice University band trolls anti-gay Christian school with LGBTQ-friendly halftime show: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/25/rice-u-band-trolls-anti-gay-christian-school-with-lgbtq-friendly-halftime-show/ Anti-LGBTQ GOP Congressman Proposes Anti-Abortion Bill to Save Gay Fetuses: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/26/anti-lgbtq-gop-congressman-proposes-anti-abortion-bill-to-save-gay-fetuses/ OK GOP lawmaker trashes any "silly woman" who wants to go topless in public:  https://www.koco.com/article/appeals-court-says-women-can-go-topless-in-public/29254805# https://www.newson6.com/story/41101421/new-law-allows-oklahoma-women-to-be-topless-in-public “Banana Man” Ray Comfort Now Wants to Convince You God Designed Oranges: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/23/banana-man-ray-comfort-now-wants-to-convince-you-god-designed-oranges/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Brother of Qandeel Baloch, “Honor Killing” Victim, Sentenced to Life in Prison: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/27/brother-of-qandeel-baloch-honor-killing-victim-sentenced-to-life-in-prison/ Bishop: Girls Should Skip College So They’re Not Smarter Than Their Husbands https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/28/bishop-girls-should-skip-college-so-theyre-not-smarter-than-their-husbands/

Warning, this podcast contains language that some people may find offensive, and those people can go fuck themselves. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. And by filling the president with peaches? Nancy Donahue says yes. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Andrew Torres, and I have good news, everyone. If you're on the West Coast and you can't make the Citation Needed live show in New York on Saturday, October 12th, we've got an Opening Arguments live show just for you in Los Angeles with a few seats remaining. The link's in the show notes.

And oh yeah, as General Counsel for Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 3rd. And it's National Virus Appreciation Day. What? What? Yep.

Not sure what we're supposed to celebrate, but it is a catchy title. There you go. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Susan Sarandon's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the nation's preeminent Christians refuse to turn our president into a peach. Lindsey Graham explains that if you hear something, it doesn't count if you say something. And Hilary Morgan Ferrer will try to acronym again.

But first, the diatribe. You know, I've got to admit, when I first got into this atheism thing, I thought the intellectual end of it was going to require a lot more effort. I expected at some point that they'd at least give me a challenge see like most americans who weren't raised with a lot of church and i viewed christianity as the benign ignorance that pop culture kind of sells it as right like our culture doesn't have any problem presenting that christian lady as prudish and tyrannical it doesn't have any problem presenting the televangelist as greedy and hypocritical. You actually do get some of the negatives painted into your movies and TV shows and shit like that, but the religion itself is always treated with kid gloves. So if

you're not intimately familiar with it, you come away with what I consider the standard interpretation of Christianity in America. It's a moral system founded by a great moral leader that's all too often misused by greedy or unscrupulous people. But it turns out that if I'd thought Christianity was a potato, I'd have been closer to the truth. Holy fuck, did I have it wrong? I mean, sure, pop culture wasn't afraid to occasionally poke fun at religion, but Jesus was always treated as though he was this great moral teacher. even secular authorities tended to grant him that but when you look at the shit he actually says in his book there's very little of it that one can claim as moral i mean sure he bothers some shit that passes ethical muster now and again but it's certainly not his defining characteristic he

spends most of that time warning about the impending end of the world and convincing people to abandon their families the sermon on the mount is% bullshit about how the world's going to end way before now with the occasional love people tossed in to make it seem a little more poetic. In fact, the only way you can even mistake Jesus for a moral character is by tossing him after 39 books of Old Testament rape apologetics and genocide instructions. But like most people before I read it, i expected the bible to be a book of morality too it seems childishly naive today but i mean think about what the bible is sold to you if you're not plugged into the atheist community even secular authorities will tell you that it's

a good book that it represents great literature that it has important ethical parables in it and then you read the fucking thing and you realize that anyone who ever said that never read it so yeah i got into this thing with all these arguments in my head along the lines of, yes, I get that your religion teaches you a bunch of moral stuff and encourages you to be a good person, but divorcing oneself from reality and encouraging others to do the same isn't worth the ethical gains you might achieve. And I've never needed any of them because all the world's religions are fucking horrible. And strangely enough, this manages to be a bit of a disadvantage to the atheist. I mean, obviously there are plenty of people in denial who just pretend their book doesn't say what their book says.

But there are also more honest people who try to hide religion itself behind the horrors of major religion. I mean, I know that sounds paradoxical, but it works out fine for them. In fact, it makes them seem like the reasonable ones from time to time. The argument goes something like this. They listen to the atheist grievances about Christianity, Islam at all, and they nod along and they agree with you throughout. But rather than landing on the logical conclusion that religion itself is bad, they say that those religions are bad or more likely the modern interpretations of those religions are bad. And when there are such obvious flaws in all the major religions and all the interpretations of them, it's much easier to argue that those flaws are the real problem. They're wrong, but it's an easy thing to argue.

It even like satisfies that modern desire to find a nice middle ground and chastise both sides in the argument. But there's a reason why humanity has never produced a good religion. And it's not that a few bad people keep sneaking in and hamstringing their efforts. Religion, by its very nature, demands a divorce from reality. That's what it is. That's the definition. And it really doesn't matter if you're shortcutting logic to get to a good thing. If I tell my kids the monster under his bed is going to eat him if he doesn't finish his peas,

I haven't done a good thing, If I tell my kids the monster under his bed is going to eat him if he doesn't finish his peas, I haven't done a good thing, regardless of how healthy peas are. In fact, one cannot even theoretically create a good religion, right? Like if you and I were tasked with writing a book that was going to later be convincingly presented to the world as the word of God, there would be no ethical way to fulfill that request.

I mean, sure, we could fill it up with the most benevolent dictates we could think of, but sooner or later, those would either be perverted by less scrupulous adherence to our new faith, or they'd become outdated by new technology or knowledge. You know, all those wacky Sabbath restrictions for Judaism can be traced back to logical and even beneficial roots. Okay, not all of them, but most of them. But the restriction on shellfish kind of falls apart once we learn about allergies and shit. Of course, you of them, but most of them. But the restriction on shellfish kind of falls apart once we learn about allergies and shit. Of course, you can't revise the word of God,

so what might have been crafted with only the best of intentions becomes poisonous simply by attributing it to God. And that shouldn't be a shocker, should it? Pretending that you're speaking for an all-knowing being even when you know you're not, and yet millions upon millions of people have convinced themselves that the real problem is that nobody's lied well enough yet they're talking about you joining me for headlines tonight are the vini and viti to my vici heat then right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to come and or watch one another come? Yes. I came, I saw, I concurred. Oh, there you go. Yes.

You guys are being like super casual about us all just jerking off in front of each other. Can I say that? I don't think it can be done formally. I'm wearing a tuxedo. There you have it. In our lead story tonight the president of the united states is the beginning of that sentence and that means it's time for another christian freak out

that's right a thing is happening to Donald Trump and Christians are freaking out. So in case you missed it, he got elected president with the help of Vladimir Putin in 2016. And now with the 2020 election coming up, Trump had one of his aides call up, quote, that other Russian guy I know. Russian guy I know. That would be Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelensky, our adulterous leader who's been accused several times of sexual assault and admitted to sexual assault out loud into a microphone because he's an idiot and hates refugees like Jesus did not and hates poor people like Jesus did not and thinks he found wisdom in I Corinthians. That guy is possibly getting impeached and Christians are having a meltdown thanks to their amazing source of absolute morality. Yeah, I mean, for fuck's sake, at this point, he's even cheating on Vladimir Putin, Christians. Cheating on Vladimir Putin, Christians.

At long last, it's good to see the people who called for Obama to be impeached for crimes as heinous as wearing a beige suit and as imaginary as taking away their guns. Call for some civility and pause in the impeachment process. Yeah. So first up on the freak out list, we have Texas megachurch pastor and cuckold Muppet Robert Jeffress. He's part of the official White House Evangelical Advisory Board. And he actually gave the sermon that Trump attended on the day he was inaugurated. And during an interview with Lou Dobbs on Fox News last week, Jeffress, he accidentally explained exactly how hypocritical the Christian right is. According to Bobby J., quote,

since Monday night, I've spoken to thousands of Christians. Huh. He said, yeah, he said this on Thursday, by the way, three days later. So at minimum, he had conversations with about 666 Christians a day during that span, plus a couple more at least. Continuing, I've never seen Christians as angry about anything as they are about the attempt to remove this president from office, end quote. I'm telling you lou the

christians have gone full starbucks cup this time we are not to be fucked with i'm telling you okay but to be fair that was just his best interpretation of what they meant after all the meth that he had to use to stay up for those three straight days of two minute and eight second conversations so you pissed off good you pissed off good you pissed off good yeah and uh clearly unaware of the bad guy from the civil war jefferson's not clear on that he also added quote if the democrats are successful it will cause a civil war-like fracture in this nation. End quote. Again, not clear on the good guy and the bad guy.

Oh, no. What would we do without checking my notes here? Alabama. Yeah. So next up, we have Family Research Council President and Assistant Cuckold Muppet, Tony Perkins. Yeah, that fits. That fits, too. And yeah, they're definitely a little team.

And when he's not running a literal hate group, Tony Perkins spends most of his time calling for the impeachment of Barack Obama about once a week for eight years. And more recently, he spends his time explaining how impeachment should really be replaced by elections according to perkins quote in july which is a weird time to point this out in july a survey showed that just 21 of americans supported impeachment since then breitbart points out not much has changed what and i mean but that's actually true breitbart remains really bad at counting numbers that has not changed he continued if you want to remove donald trump from office do it the old-fashioned way win an election i'm sorry quote. Nothing's really changed.

Well, if you think about it, it's even less illegal now than in July because now Ukraine has the money. They have it now. All right. And last but not least on the freak out list, we have GOP Senator and Baptist piglet, Lindsey Graham. Fabulous. fabulous metaphor. You might remember him from that time. His entire face turned from its normal piglet fuchsia all the way to safety cone orange while he squealed at Democrats for asking about Brett Kavanaugh's not raping calendar

that he has. Or maybe you remember Lindsey Graham as the model for Edvard Munch's The Scream. Well, that's the guy. According to Graham, this whole Ukraine thing shouldn't count because it's hearsay. Fucking idiot. He tweeted, in America, you can't even get a parking ticket based on hearsay testimony but you can impeach a president um yes to both yeah yeah first of all they don't give parking tickets for spoken words they're uh mostly given for parking right yeah no but um more importantly hearsay testimony is pretty

much the entire nature of whistleblowing in speaking based crimes like for example bribing foreign leaders to meddle in u.s elections because because you heard him say it yeah it's just you see you hear a saying just remember when l when Lindsey Graham had a soul? nope fair criticism but like what did he possibly receive in return for this for three years in

it's over he looks like someone tried to make a jack-o-lantern out of an old peach whatever deal he took it wasn't worth it no it was not worth it no yeah you don't have a soul for being pro ted cruz for a little while right right nope sorry i forgot that was the high point of his world yeah that was his moral high ground ted cruz nope and in church state supplication news taxpayers in the memphis suburb of collierville tennessee go dragons yep there you go learn this week that their tax money will be used to support

a bible museum with a mission statement that reads in part quote our convictions regarding the authenticity of the scripture and our zeal for its message to all the world compel us to seek to engage the entire community with the historical and cultural background of the Bible, the living word of God, end quote. Yeah, we should clarify that by Go Dragons, Heath meant we hope the city gets eaten by dragons. Right. No, not the high school mascot or anything. Yeah.

But don't worry, though. City Commissioner Reginald Milton assures us that they're talking about a secular zeal for the authenticity of Christian scripture here. So it's OK. It's fine. Yeah. This is how American Christians pass the lemon test now by cheating off the Buddhist. Right.

Yeah. Seems like that shouldn't count. I don't know. I'll ask a lawyer. So, yeah, apparently the city commission voted to approve a payment of fifteen thousand dollars to the museum, even after the Freedom from Religion Foundation stepped in to remind them that that shit ain't legal. The museum director had asked for $25,000 to help cover operating expenses and explained that they have a new attraction coming this year that's going to represent 10% of the museum's annual budget. So they really need that help. Now, the reports don't specify what the annual budget is, but if it's pegged to their actual revenue, that means that that exhibit will be worth negative $5,000 based on their 2018 filings. All right.

Next up in headlines. We actually have some good news. Out of Texas. The hell you say. Out of Texas. Out of Texas. The hell you say. Out of Texas.

During the halftime show at the football game last week between Rice University and Baylor, the Rice marching band dedicated their entire performance to mocking the opposing school for being run by horrible homophobic bigots. I love this so much. It's the best. This is fantastic. So instead of their normal Star Wars show the band adapted their routine to include a rendition of YMCA and it was accompanied by rainbow flags and it ended with the whole ensemble spelling out pride across the center of the field

and apparently the rice band leaders held a dedicated meeting to spite the bigots they had a spite of bigots meeting and i think that's fantastic and it totally worked that type of meeting should be happening constantly all over the place for football games anything you can come up with well right and and i i get this was great and all i don't mean to to knock them for their efforts but you're overthinking this two dudes fucking would have been more fun to watch, more to the point, both figuratively and otherwise. Next time, just have two dudes fuck. That's fair.

Also, the video, the tiny clip of it is fucking amazing. You have never seen a more pro-gay sports crowd since Derek Jeter was on the Yankees. It is incredible. What? Okay. So, I'm just going to push right past that. So, Baylor is a

homosexual. What? Okay. So, Baylor is a Baptist university that's notoriously terrible about LGBT issues. This includes their official statement on human sexuality that says,

sexuality is a gift from God given to one man and one woman. And then they added the words in a marriage so that they could go ahead and condemn unmarried heterosex too, and be woke. I guess the statement also bans every student from being part of any kind of group that acknowledges the existence of non-biblical sex. But worst of all, that's all terrible. No question. But worst of all, Baylor is responsible for educating Jeff Dunham and his shit ventriloquism comedy act.

I want this guy to get murdered with a jalapeno on a stick. I hate him so much okay as someone who absolutely loved jeff dunham as a kid i did too uh he does not hold up no he is the statue of southern generals of comedy yeah so they're terrible and that's why i'm hoping this trend that rice just started gets taken even further. Anytime a bigot school like Baylor tries to play a football game or do anything, just like nothing but marching bands playing spite music for hours, pretending the football team is just about to come out of the locker room. And they never do. They never, ever do.

Just a giant gay musical filibuster. And the bigots don't even know it's a filibuster. And in pro-giving-me-life news tonight, pro-forced-birth-advocate Representative Sean Duffy is retiring this month to spend more time with his ninth goddamn child. Oh, fuck you. But before he goes, he wants to leave behind one more bill to establish his legacy. In spite of voting against gay marriage and federal protections for LGBTQ

workers, there is one part of the gay community he's dedicated to protect. That's right. Gay fetuses. What? Just Sean Duffy with a dildo watching an ultrasound. So I, all right, I put it in there. there goes into the uterus that's how that works and then we see if the baby boy puts its mouth on the rubber dick and then we'll that's the test that is right one of his last acts as a representative

of government for real in a real way as an, is the introduction of a bill that would make it illegal to terminate the pregnancy if a fetus is gay. I will be 0% surprised to learn later that he did this to protect his interest in a conversion therapy clinic. Yeah, so here's how Duffy's, let's call it, thinking goes. As science improves, we'll discover that gene that makes you gay. You know, one that's a light switch without a dimmer, you see.

Just Paul, Lind, or Snooki in your genome, on or off, for the gayness. Okay. Well, I mean, this doesn't interfere with the plan too much. We're killing bisexual fetuses, right? We just keep going. And that's still, that's pretty much all of it still.

Yeah, yeah. Full speed ahead. Think it through, Sean Duffy. Stupid. Stupid plan. You're not going to stop us. Also, Snooki's bisexual. Right.

So when scientists discover that, you know, bright pink gene, bigots like Duffy are going to stop oppressing gay people while they're alive and murder them. I'm confused about what he thinks is going to happen. But apparently Duffy thinks there's a big crossover between the pro-choice anti-gay population and he wants to get ahead of it. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Either way, a lot of people have pointed out a variety of ways that this is stupid indeed they have eli but i think we have a real opportunity here to use pro-force birthers arguments against them so without further ado senator sean duffy welcome to the show oh hey thanks for having me rabbi nope nope um like like a gay thing also no hmm i think you're lying anyway thanks for having me right uh so i invited you on here today to talk about what many would consider some hypocrisy on your part oh no um i don't know any magic you know yep got it but you understand how your pro-life and anti-gay beliefs seem to conflict here, right? I do not. Okay, that's fair.

Let's see if I can approach this from a different angle. Can you tell me the exact second a gay fetus becomes a gay person who you don't want to have rights? Because if you can't... Oh my God, love is love. I totally get it. I figured that was going to work. All right, well, we're going to give Sean a second to catch up here. I love the birdcage.

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of all sizes. Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, update that includes some good news. But don't get excited. It's twim good news. So it's just a barest minimum non-evil thing happening. This story starts about three years ago when 26-year-old Kandil Balak, who had been dubbed Pakistan's Kim Kardashian, was strangled to death in an honor killing. The murderer was her brother, Mohammad Wasim Azim.

The motive was her autonomy. He even admitted as much when he was caught. He said, quote, I am proud of what I did. I drugged her first, then I killed her. She was bringing dishonor to our family, end quote. He further justified his actions by saying, quote, girls are born to stay home and follow traditions. My sister never did that, end quote. Now, with a confession like that, you wouldn't think they'd need a trial, but this is Pakistan, so they did. In fact, at the time he committed this heinous act, it wasn't even particularly illegal. Sure, there was a law in Pakistan against murder, but there was a loophole that would allow the family of the victim to

pardon the killer. Well, in the wake of this particularly public case, the nation's parliament unanimously passed a law rescinding that right. Well, on the wake of this particularly public case, the nation's parliament unanimously passed a law rescinding that right. Well, on Friday, that new and improved law got its first test, and Kandil's killer was sentenced to life in prison. And that's a good thing. It's good that Pakistan has decided at long last

that murdering women is illegal, even if they're uppity. That being said, Mohammed wasn't alone in this. Sure, he's the one that killed her, but several other men assisted in either planning his crime or keeping him in hiding afterwards. And all of them were found not guilty. So yeah, Pakistan is willing to punish the killer, but they don't want to go overboard.

Still, any step in the right direction is worth celebrating, especially in that part of the world. And speaking of crazy parts of the world run by religious zealots our next story comes from brazil you thought i was gonna say america didn't you anyway so there's a billionaire brazilian bishop named adira masito who made his money through being a blatant fucking fraud like even for a bishop his church has been involved in money laundering child sex trafficking and outright theft but apparently that's not enough to dig him out from behind the pulpit. Well, he made news for a different reason this week. During a recent sermon, he reminded the young ladies in his flock not to go to college. After all, if they did that, they'd risk being smarter than their husbands. And then how would they ever find happiness? Other than, you know,

all the ways in which people find happiness. So, newsflash, jackass, women can be smarter than their husbands regardless of their education. In fact, given the standard that you're setting for your gender, they almost can't help it. Anyway, I'm going to go hit myself in the head with something until I'm dumb enough to be happy. Until then, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath,

and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in breast-ke kept secret news, the state of Oklahoma, Anna. What are you guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. Yep. So the state of Oklahoma is freaking out this week

after women got a right in Colorado. Well, yeah. Not in Oklahoma, but also in Oklahomalahoma they're freaking out this is pretty great how it all worked out so thanks to a ruling by the 10th u.s circuit court of appeals a local ordinance in fort collins colorado that banned public female nipples was declared unconstitutional turns out you're not allowed to make lady laws just for ladies. Who'd have thunk? It also turns out that Oklahoma is one of the five states that's covered by the jurisdiction of the 10th Circuit. So now the Oklahomans might have to see a boobie and they

are in full panic mode. And just for the the record another one of those five states is utah so any minute we'll probably oh my god it's a nipple it's a nipple yep there it is there it is right away darn nipples i just i want to point out by the way that i had already planned my trip to tulsa this weekend before this ruling it It has nothing to do with the movies. Allegedly. I wonder why you were following so many Google sites about Supreme Court decisions. I see what's going on now. Circuit courts. Yeah. So this one seems pretty clear. We don't need Chet Chetley and a full game of make it black to figure this one out. You can't make a law about

black nipples only nor about female nipples only nonetheless following this extremely obvious ruling oklahoma city attorney noble mcintyre responded by saying no apparently the state can just arrest women anyway if they feel like it, according to McIntyre. Yeah. He said, quote, it's still against Oklahoma state law. Women who go topless in Oklahoma could still be arrested and would have to argue this ruling as their defense. And at that point, the judge would have the option

of either dismissing the case or saying, no, that ruling only applies to Fort Collins, Colorado. Wait, what? Yeah, you know, you guys can follow the law, higher courts or not. We're really just in this for the robes. So whatever you guys want to do. No, it's like I've always said,

the key to good law is ambiguity. The judge could just decide if it's illegal after you're arrested. It makes perfect fucking sense. Am I in a 13th Amendment mood today? So a 14th. Maybe 15th too. I don't know.

They do a lot of weird shit in Oklahoma. Thank you. Yeah. So here's something else that got mentioned by official people in Oklahoma. A law enforcement official from Tulsa also weighed in on the subject and pointed out that even if the ruling from the federal court does get enforced, women still aren't allowed to present their nipples in a sexual way. What?

They can't touch the nipples or say things that are sexual in reference to the nipples while they bring them out and present them, which is a weird phrasing. I present my nipples unsexually. I don't know what that means. Like, you just have to mumble baseball, baseball, baseball the whole time. I don't understand. And we also got an extremely offensive and unconstitutional response from Oklahoma State Representative Jim Olson. He made a lengthy post on Facebook explaining that Oklahoma couldn't hear you and that he's pretty sure the Bible overrules the federal court system. Also, just no. And he literally used the phrase silly woman two

different times during that post. And of course, this led to a giant series of comments explaining how fucking laws work. And also, this was a fun part of that comment section. It led to a photograph of a very large man displaying his extremely voluptuous breasts at an oklahoma state football game right but was he saying yep i see that picture the question is dwell on this picture for a second in this photo is he saying anything sexual about his nipples yeah well right right yeah he's just saying football, football, football. Yeah. It's fine by me. It's okay. So, yeah, I'm thinking this whole controversy, it's ridiculous, but it does present an interesting opportunity. We're already seeing topless protests all over the state.

And considering all the other bigotry built into their state government, I want to see their fucking heads explode when they try to figure out what happens when a trans woman goes topless and then uses the ladies i don't know what they're gonna do war games war games the only way to win is not to play they're just gonna start spinning around like an evil computer with a glitch yeah with a boner and an erection yes and finally tonight in putting on the hits news tonight, Christian apologist and man who tastes like a wallet that's been crying, Ray Comfort, donned a tinfoil butt plug and did a bunch of cartwheels in an open field this week, hoping that sweet, sweet atheism scorn lightning would strike once again. Okay, but that's absurd.

We've been pushing for rhythmic gymnastics to adopt the butt plug as an apparatus for years. We're not going to get it. Well, yeah, but as I've been saying that whole time, when it comes to butt plugs, it's not about how long you push. It's about how hard. See, full of wisdom here on the Skating Atheist. So here's the story for the two people who haven't heard it. I feel like Ray's floor exercises routine is plenty of stories. Go ahead.

Yeah. Okay. So 500 years ago, Ray Comfort was the host of a Christian VHS delivery TV program called The Way of the Master, co-starring Kirk Cameron's repressed homosexuality. On that show, he featured a segment where he proved that god existed because bananas are easy to eat and then did 22 minutes of blowjob mime without realizing it and kirk cameron spent 22 minutes giggling like an idiot and trying to jump in for his turn with the banana like it was double well luckily for of us, this caught on a little bit

way back in the day and the world was united. In a way, it wouldn't be again until 9-11 and that week Pokemon Go came out. Laughing at Ray Comfort all together

in peace and harmony. However, it's 2019 now and Ray is sure of two things. One, we weren't laughing at him. We were laughing with him and two it's time for a comeback baby oh god i wish he could make a comeback as that would imply some

period of absence that's fair that is fair spin off this banana like fucking frazier it's gonna be great yeah so that attempted comeback took the form of an ad for his newest film, The Fool, this week, which makes similar arguments about an orange. Here's what Ray had to say about citrus on the program in the ad on YouTube for his other YouTube quote. Have you ever thought about the fact that oranges like bananas have been made with a non-slip surface, just the right size and shape, to fit in the human hand? How each one is packaged to take anywhere orange drink filled with natural sugars, vitamins, minerals, and enzymes? Of course you haven't. Not if you're an atheist. You probably don't even know there's a right way to open it, so you can pick up the mouth-sized mouth-shaped pieces all coming to you

courtesy of the maker end quote all right well i cannot wait for season two just ray blowing a watermelon as best he can see perfect size and shape i got it i got this also did he honestly think that a banana literally the cartoon example of something slippery, has a non-slip surface? Yep, yep. Wow. I love that he realized that the phallic shape of the banana was the issue, and his response was, well, luckily there's no easy reference to male genitalia one can derive from me talking about gripping balls. Yeah.

Sadly, aside from us, of course, this one did not catch on in the same way. Probably because he didn't, like, shove an orange up his ass or hold two oranges at chest height and rotate them to demonstrate their size or something. But point is, Ray Comfort, he's playing the hits.

He's going to be at a county fair near us soon. Rocking out. His horned melon is difficult. Dragon fruit, fuck. All right, well, I find it hard to believe that his palpable fear over meeting me in a rap battle and the fact that he's trying to switch up the last minute to the least rimable fruit in the universe are probably related. So on that vindication,

I think we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Flim flam, Jim, less than or equal to. What?

And when we come back, we'll worry about bears in schools. For years on this show, we read holy books and works of apologetics together in an effort to better understand the mind of the Christian. And I guess it was moderately useful, but it pales in comparison to how easy it's been to get into the Christian headspace when I have someone describe a book I've never read with naked bias.

So in that vein, we're going to be returning to mama bear apologetics with another edition of god awful books indeed so as our listeners will crawl last chapter we learned that people who bought this book should buy this book and terrifyingly hillary morgan ferrer who created a website, podcast, Christian training course, and book centered around being a mama bear, is not a mama or a bear. Proving once and for all that Beachbody never should have rejected my workout program. Yeah, I agree. Beachbody was a great idea. Thank you.

That's for the people. It's because of the stupid. Ordinary body people. The legal thing with Autumn Calabrese. I don't want to get into it. a great idea thank you that's for the people it's because of the stupid ordinary yeah there's a body people the thing legal thing with autumn calibrase i don't want to get into it so yeah now it's time for chapter three the discerning mama bear colon the refined art of chew and spit okay please be a sex thing please it's clearly a sex thing no sadly it is not a sex thing but what discernment is a three-syllable word so we're going to spend the first couple paragraphs of this chapter informing the reader that it is not in fact an ice cream flavor

fuck i was chewing and spitting ice cream just like a wine tasting this felt refined and artsy should i not yeah so the point of this section is that discernment is not finding everything you disagree with someone or something about no she doesn't tell it what it is well it isn't that it's just not all disagreement which means either she doesn't know the definition i'm betting on that or she literally couldn't think of anything discernment couldn't be that isn't that so with the definition that muddled it's time for a subsection called the party nobody wants to attend eli for the last time we're not going to celebrate your birthday on ann coulter's grave she's still alive. I mean, we could have.

Not in the show. Nobody heard that. Nobody heard that. Well, we could have. We could have. So this section is about how Christianity can sometimes seem like the party of no. And that's a party no one wants to attend. Quote, if we Christians are constantly focusing on our areas of disagreement then we've basically become the food critics of christianity we sit back create nothing but tear down anyone

else brave enough to try end quote what which is super not what food critics know and my amazing marshmallow squares somehow only took second place last year at the church. Sorry. Sorry. I was talking about the refined art of discernment. I'm sorry, but this statement cannot be correct. If Christians are X, then they will become the Y of Christianity. That cannot, you can't even phrase something like that. Wait a minute.

And also, also, you guys are the anti-drinking, anti-sex, anti-gay, anti-drug, anti-dancing people. And you think that the reason people don't want to go to your parties is because you critique their food what the fuck is wrong with you yeah so that begs the question don't worry we got a segment so how are we defining discernment and according to hmo quote biblical discernment means identifying both the good and the bad. Right. Like, for example, slavery, bad. Slaves recovering days later, good.

It's good that they recover. That's biblical discernment. Yeah. She compares it to a food allergy. So this chapter, just to be clear, if we're following the metaphor, is about teaching your kids which ideas they are allergic to. Yeah, that tracks. Christian kids are very much like a dog trying to eat a thumbtack. Drop it.

Drop it. Yeah. Drop it. Certainly what it seems like. Right. But her point here is that it's all well and good to control the movies, TV and books your kids have access to. But eventually you've got to teach them to properly censor themselves. Or as she puts it, real quote, when it comes to the media, we cannot do this by simply labeling things as safe slash dangerous or Christian slash non-Christian.

End quote. Jesus, is that his the next subheading shackles? I wish. It would be clearer and more honest. Yeah, right. What she has in mind is a section called the chew and spit method of discernment. Actually, don't drop the tack yet. Chew the thumbtack.

Let's see how it goes. Maybe spit it. Maybe swallow it. I don't know. We yet let's see how it goes maybe spin it maybe swallow it i don't know we'll figure it out yeah so here's how she begins that section and again these are real quotes quote i have a shocking little statement for you there are no christians so theologically sound that they are never wrong and there are no atheists so bad that they are never right end quote well that's true no that's true in the way that hillary morgan farrah doesn't always traffic in child pornography is a true statement that we can all agree with totally true she does however walk back that bridge building in a footnote saying, quote, To be fair, I must qualify my statement about there being few things that can be labeled all dangerous, much like the fatty parts that I

caught off my steak. There are certain elements of pop culture that can be tossed out right. Like pornography. We can safely discard pornography without any fear that we were missing out on a nugget of truth. End quote. But mom, I was just chewing on this dick. I was totally about to say that. I was gonna, just give me a minute. I love, does she think we're going to pornography to find the nuggets of truth? Right, and so the example she uses here

is R-rated movies. I mean, sure, most of them are about S-E-X and are straight from the devil, but some of them teach valuable lessons, like her real example that she uses in the chapter, Requiem for a Dream. Oh, really? What? Yep. Wow.

I'm not kidding. Here's the quote. For example, there was one movie produced in the late 1990s that portrayed the journey of a guy and girl descending into the world of drugs. The movie showed the various physical and psychological stages that accompany addiction and the cough lengths people will go to

to get their next fix. And will, real quote, which I am 100% sure is a double-ended dildo joke. I'm pretty sure it is. It literally is. She's just like, all right, spit out the heroin. Spit it out.

This analogy got away from me. I thought we were going to. Give me back my shoulder massages, too. She concludes, quote, what did I do after I finished watching it? I got on my knees. Interesting. She's going to get herself some heroin. Yeah. And I praised God for what he had protected me from oh oh okay this movie reminded me how with a few wrong

decisions i could easily have been one of those teenagers who got caught up with the wrong crowd and descended into drug culture end quote well okay so so she sat there for a long time thinking about taking a two-headed dildo ass to ass with jennifer connelly is what she's admitting in her join the club right but she chewed that yeah but her point is that you don't need to reject everything from the larger world if you already know with 100 certainty what is right and what is wrong and instantly reject any ideas that disagree with your worldview you know chew and spit christianity is chew and swallow yeah she's close yeah just like upside down backwards so now it's time for subsection called the consequences of not teaching our kids to chew and spit throat babies

so again she points out that if you just divide everything into good and bad and christian or not christian then they might miss some bad stuff when christians say it or good stuff when atheists say it or as she puts it quote i've heard f-bombs from a pastor during a sermon. Really? And I was surprised at some of the excellent points Karl Marx made in the Communist Manifesto. Absolutely not. End quote.

I want to know so bad what good points HMO thinks the Communist Manifesto makes. I like the part about table glass of water hitachi there's no way she's read the communist no it's it's 23 pages long and there's no fucking way she's reading yeah yep almost a double dozen no way she also has a moment that is so close to self-realization in this subsection. She's like, oh, yeah. Also, if you tell your kids that, like, Lady Gaga is the devil, and then they listen to some Lady Gaga, they'll realize you're full of shit. But her solution isn't like, hey, so don't be full of shit.

It's like, be super specific with your shit. So, like, Lady Gaga isn't the devil. Gay rights are the devil devil or as we call it having your gay and beating it too well done sir yeah so that means it's time to roar like a mother are you guys ready all right so she buttered us up for the f-bomb and then fails to pull the trigger in this subsection coward coward hillary so this is where HMO is going to introduce us to our handy-dandy acronym for stopping your kids from thinking.

ROAR, which stands for Recognize the Message. That's URTM. URTM. Offer Discernment. Odd. URTMOD. Affirm the Good and reject the bad.

Argue for a healthier approach. Affah. And reinforce through discussion, discipleship, and prayer. She doesn't know what an acronym is. So the whole acronym is Ertumadahafaerdetupu. Okay. I believe it's pronounced brrrr. Yeah, doing the math on that acronym was like 90% of her writing process for this book,

and it came out like that. She's like, okay, I need fucking discipleship to be an R. Wait, can I just road like a mother fuck no that stupid road who would really get into this really i just i love that she recognizes that her her readers are going to need an acronym to remember don't just be a shrieking bigot, right? Or sorry, don't be a one-dimensional, predictable shrieking bigot. Yeah. So this is a multi-step process. Step one, recognize the message. And this is a four-part process, recognizing the message.

Let's call that step zero. Yeah, comprehension. She's broken comprehension into four steps step one understand the words that are coming out of their mouth pretty much have thinking so here's her thought on part one of hearing uh quote identify the messages that are being presented they all have one or more except maybe that song about there being millions of peaches i think those dudes were just high end quote giggle doing the math on those peaches was another nine percent process and like i wonder how many peaches

she thinks there definitely are millions of peaches yeah there clearly are what oh god so part two of that song quote also along with your kids identify which values the creators are elevating here are her examples freedom autonomy sex drugs pride which values are they demeaning? Humility? Responsibility? Traditional gender roles? Oh, God. Now, you see, kids, Superman that hoe does glorify sex, but it reinforces traditional gender roles. That's the takeaway. There's some good and some bad. Spit out the cum to keep the gender role part.

Three, try to piece together the worldview keep the gender role part three try to piece together the world view behind the message what do you think the artist's definition of good and bad is what about mortal and immoral what is a good life the life that reflects success according to their art or writing

is it money lots of romantic relationships freedom from rules uh yes she's describing happiness now spit out the happiness money, lots of romantic relationships, freedom from rules? Uh, yes. She's describing happiness. Now spit out the happiness! Is that the point of that? And then four, part four of one in

the algorithm here. If you're watching a movie, identify which characters and qualities are presented in an attractive way. Pay attention to the traits that are exhibited by the villains. The protagonist and antagonist are often archetypes

or representations of ideas. Pro tip, characters often have traits. Look at that. Like 4B is going to be remember to blink and regulate your body temperature and i just really really want to know if she did this with the bible right oh yeah good question

this morning star guy feels really protagonisty okay that means it's time for step two, offer discernment. Well, hopefully she's had a chance to look up that word since the start of this segment. She has not, but don't worry. Step two is a three-step process. So, getting into subsections here. But the first part. Start with sound waves. Yeah, exactly.

First part of steps two is seeing things accurately photons she even mentions not setting up straw men and to accurately represent what your opponents believe uh but don't worry in case you were wondering that hmo was coming to any conversation with honesty this is how she talks about finding the good in people really quote we are not dealing with enemies we are dealing with captives end quote listen i know that guy plato chained us in this cave obviously but i could swear that was the shadow of an atheist slave walking past that was clearly what happened there all right idiot so now we're dealing with that hippie what if other people aren't evil bullshit it's time to point out the evil here's her quote on that a friend of mine

used to tell his kids what you tolerate today you accept tomorrow what you accept today you embrace tomorrow i would add a third statement to that. What you embrace today, you promote tomorrow. We have seen this progression within the realm of sexual ethics, have we not? And what you promote today, you have gay sex tomorrow, George. Okay, that's equal parts insane, stupid, and terrifying, right? Because it's completely wrong. Remember, kids, if we let the Jews have have their religion today we're all gonna be jews by wednesday what the fuck are you talking about i think a lot of her readers would agree with that

okay so now it's time for step three argue for a healthier approach and she begins this by giving the definition of arguing which is just super bummer but that's understandable because her advice in step three is have evidence to support your case which is great except she gives literally no examples well and when your argument is if you tolerate gays you'll end up having to gay fuck eventually you can't have examples so much much so that I'd normally endorse this. I feel like it's bad advice for her listeners, right? Yeah, exactly. So literally, she says that many modern scientists

didn't recognize the true things in the Bible until they discovered them. So, you know. That's how the time dimension works. It's not true, but that's how they would discover things. Yeah, make sure you whip out the scientific truths in the Bible, everybody. Yeah, you can break out of jail with a very small pickaxe inside the Bible.

Rock hammer, yeah. Salvation with you. Exactly. So with that out of the way, it's time for step four in ROAR. Reinforce through discussion, discipleship, and prayer. And this part is, you can't just talk christian you gotta be christian or as hmo puts it quote we can talk all day long but the real battle takes place on our knees end quote i just want to play the national anthem when they're on their knees like that

what do we do which is is it? Blue Lives Matter. And by the way, Atheist, this is why we're destined to prevail. Her chapter literally ends with a call to inaction. All right. Now. It does. Gentlemen, it is time for some discussion questions. Are you ready?

Sure, why not? One, icebreaker. What is the grossest thing you've ever actually eaten? What? And I love this icebreaker because it means hundreds, if not thousands, of Christian moms all over our fine nation read this question and then, as a group, had to pretend the answer wasn't cum. Also dads, I'm sure. Dozens, let's be honest dozens and by the way that's it lucinda is absolutely going undercover at hill dogs book club yep just to ruin her meeting has two votes uh number two main theme discernment means both affirming the good

and rejecting the bad what are some examples of things in pop culture that polarize people uh the overwhelming consensus of scientific experts yes apparently yeah have you ever completely disagreed with someone about something you thought was bad y'all ever do that thing in the morning where you're sleeping but then you ain't sleeping anymore all of a sudden what the fuck are you talking about if Have you ever disagreed with someone? What? Pick something to discuss, such as a TV show, movie, book, political view, or a way of thinking, and talk about the good and the bad.

What good can be swallowed? What needs to be spit out? Okay, I will say a good one to spit out. The idea in this book of in-mouth testing stuff never a great idea ever three self-evaluation do you have a tendency to label things as either safe or dangerous for your children what ages and personality types do you think this method is appropriate for what ages or personality types might this method be inappropriate for why okay this is so fucking amazing right because christians are so used to labeling benign shit like tv shows and music as dangerous that she's discussing this

without it ever occurring to her that there are actual real dangerous things right no like i i mean i look at this question i say what's the right age to let your kids drink bleach and get into mommy's pills because i used the word dangerous to mean able or likely to cause harm like the dictionary does there's your problem all right you guys ready for a brainstorm it's time for a brainstorm what are some ways that you can take your children's media or interests and teach them to chew and spit okay we've been talking about stepmom porn this whole time for the whole we have we have yeah for sure and then five it's the end of the chapter so it's time to release the bear pick one song or movie that your child likes and listen to it or watch it together.

Identify the good aspects that align with God's truth. Identify the aspects that don't. Remind your children how important it is that they practice this kind of discernment with all books, movies, music, and ideas. All right. Well, after investing an entire chapter on, turns out some rap music isn't evil, I can only imagine what banality awaits us in the next installment of God Awful Books. Before we're overtaken by the theme song tonight, I want to remind you that you still have time to get tickets to see us live in New York on October 12th for a double-doubleheader, a citation needed. And if you're going to be on the wrong coast for that, but you still want to get your live podcast fix in, our friends Andrew Torres and Thomas Smith are doing a live record of the opening arguments podcast live in L.A. on the same night.

We'll have links to get tickets to both in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for being the wind beneath my wings, Eli Bostick for being the wind over my wings, which, if you know anything at all about aerodynamics, is every bit as important,

and the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being my wings. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's and last week's best people. Kaylee Luke, Mikael, Robert, Dabo, David in Kentucky, Nash, Quasi Alamodo, Scott, Robert, John, Dennis, Garrett, Stephen, Brian, Ryan, The Specter, Democratic Socialism, The Medium, Atheist, Crafty, Removing My Name, Christian, James, Lexi, Ashley, Lauren, Dave, Darren, Mark, Charlie, Jonathan, Maurice, Burzmali, Hebrew, Hooligan, Literal, E-Profile, Asha, Dana, Jacob, Sage, Mitchell, JesusAid, AllMyFerrets, and SpagooderIntruder, whose IQs are so long they end in to be continued. Together, these 50 fine folks furnish financial furtherance of our fuck-filled fulminations against the forces of faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the keen reflexes it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended app-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeist.com. And if you'd like to

help, but you can't do the money thing, you'd also be helping us a ton if you leave a five-star review wherever they'll let you do that, and you can follow us on Twitter at P-I-A-T-P-O-T. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with the permission. If you have questions, comments, or threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdias.com.

You know, Eli, I'm going to get you a fucking Dvorak keyboard because it won't make any difference. Not for me. Nope. We can just get him a red button. I'll hit it. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.